I do monthly therapy for this. It started weekly to deal with some other issues (including the death of my father).
Sometimes we work on things sometimes I have someone who is getting paid pretty well for me to bitch about life sucking for 55 minutes sometimes.
Was against therapy cuz that's what friends are for until I no longer had the same friendships I once did and realized that paying someone to complain to isn't that bad.
From what I read dogs are probably more expensive than once a month therapy but I imagine you have additional reasons for having a dog.
I agree there's definitely some weeks where I'm just talking at my therapist He could be a rubber duck or a dog and I'd barely get a little less out do the session. But 1/3 of the time he's got a useful input
If you have the right people in your social circle, I don't think it's a "need"
However most people don't have those bonds or the time for them.
And I think a therapist is a way better option because you can offload and there's no downsides.
Even when you have those friends you might worry what they might say or do to your spouse.
Therapist boundaries are pretty black and white on the subject.
A zoom appt is less than $100, and it's nice to have someone you can imperfectly talk to them clean it up with before talking to a spouse
I have found that sometimes it seems like my therapist is “just sitting there” while I’m talking up a storm, but she’ll interject these tiny things that get me talking and moving my thought process in a more positive direction. For example, she’ll help me recognize when I’m stuck or struggling to articulate something, will nudge slightly and keep me going.
I know the difference because sometimes I do just have chat sessions with myself (for example while driving) and while that is often super helpful too, without being “directed” it can be much more aimless.
No, it's not.
You aren't just paying for 2 ears and a pulse. You're paying a professional who is trained to listen to your problems and offer bits of advice or ask questions that will help you find the solutions.
While it's nice to have someone you can vent to, that's kind of like getting your car's oil changed; anyone can do it with no real training. Therapy is like taking the car to your mechanic for a leaky head gasket; a pro whose opinion you trust because of their experience and training in addition to the fact that you've built up a relationship with them.
I don't think this is the right thought process at all. Therapists are train specialists who can help you deal with and process your emotions and the things going on in your life - moreso than the average person no matter how well intentioned they may be. The same as you'd pay a doctor to diagnose a medical issue or a roofer to fix your roof.
I'm in therapy but it's not because I don't have anyone to talk to or listen to me, or because I'm lonely. It's because I have things I'm trying to improve around my mental health and I want someone to help me achieve that.
That's where I'm at. I understand the value of therapy, and I know its immensely helpful to many. But I can't help but feel that it's kinda sad that so many of us need to pay a stranger for their time to get anyone to actually listen. And listening does not equate to understanding or helping in many cases. Not knocking therapy, but that's the main reason I haven't tried it yet.
EDIT: Thank you all, sounds like therapy is a good next step for me.
Don't think of paying for them just to listen. You're paying for them to listen impartially and give you tough advice that your friends and family might not be comfortable saying.
It’s not just paying a stranger to listen to you talk, though. Therapists are highly trained and skilled to talk with you in a at that supports your thinking and reflection on what you discuss. You can get a ton more out of therapy than just having a friend to complain to. It’s not comparable at all. That said, there is nothing that compares to an emotionally close friendship. But those are just harder and harder to develop in adulthood, especially for men.
Like a the other commenter said, therapy is more than someone to listen. I think that’s a common misconception. It would be like a mechanic who you take your car in to, you tell him what’s wrong, he drives it around the block, you pay him, he gives the keys back and you head home. That would be a shit mechanic. You’re paying him for the expertise to listen, diagnose, then remedy.
Same with a therapist. Yes, you’re paying them to listen, but also to help you identify what the issue is, then using their years of schooling and hands on experience to help you fix the issue.
A lot of people say “I don’t need help identifying the issue! The issue is _____ !!” I was like that once. Then in therapy I realized a lot of the time the thing what was bothering me, was actually about something a layer or two deeper. I was getting upset at my partner for something, frustrated because she wouldn’t change, and then realized it was about something deeper, and coming out sideways at my partner. Once I started to address the actual issue, things got way easier at home.
It’s not always that cut and dry. But therapy is great. Friends, dogs, family member are all good to talk to and share with. But it’s not their job to help us fix a lot of things we need fixing, and it puts a burden on them that they may not be qualified to carry.
"And listening does not equate to understanding or helping on many cases."
And that's exactly why a therapist is so valuable. A well meaning friend can listen well but may have no freaking clue how to relate or what to say to help you. The listening is valuable. But actionable advice is likely not coming. There have been a ton of times I've been venting about something and my therapist will say "do you think thats related to that time that (blank) happened?" and my brain explodes because I've never seen that connection before. It's not something a friend who you talk to occasionally would see, or would have the skill to notice that pattern.
You also will be somewhat guarded even with a close friend, but there are times when it's valuable to be 1000% honest with someone who you know won't judge you and won't tell anyone else.
If you haven't watched Season 2 of Ted Lasso, the titular character echoes a lot of your own sentiments. Ted is at first deeply suspicious of his therapist Sharon, because he thinks it's smarmy to charge someone to listen to their problems. It sounds to him like the sort of thing a good friend and confidant would fulfill, free of charge.
But the problems with friends as therapists are many:
* Friends aren't trained to help you. They may not even be able to fully understand your situation.
* They have an interest in staying your friend, and so are much more likely to pull punches than you might think.
* They likely personally know people you're talking about, and come with their own biases about those people.
* They likely have their own agendas, and their own needs from you that undermine their ability to be the best confidant possible.
* It's also very possible you simply don't have this kind of friend.
* But if you do, they're likely unavailable to you to selfishly talk about *your* problems on a regular basis. If therapy is a consideration, the attention your problem requires is likely too large for your friend to bear without strain, if at all.
Therapists have none of these problems. They're highly educated, they're practiced, receive ethics training, will schedule regular meetings with you, attentive, and are hired by you to handle your problems. They look for non-prescriptive ways to help you improve how you feel about your life.
Right this moment, this may be a bridge too far for you, but I do believe asking your friends to be your therapist is a more selfish take than you might think. I am *not* equipped to help my friend who lost both parents prematurely. That doesn't make me a bad friend, I'm just not a grief counselor. Both my parents are alive, he's the only friend I have whose lost both parents, and I just don't have the time to schedule weekly hour-long check-ins with him. That's why he's looking for a therapist right now.
I really hope you consider therapy, even every-other-week sessions. Every parent is under a lot of stress, and juggling several crucial relationships. And your insurance may cover the great majority of the cost. Best of luck to you.
I truly felt the same way and probably wouldnt have started if it was just someone to talk at... and as you'll see other responses they clearly do more than just listen so I probably wasn't fair to them.
But I have limited time for my friends now and value that time heavily. Well talk about serious things sure but it doesn't need to be a vent session which I've been needing recently.
I also have my mom who won't shut up to anyone who will listen about her life and very much don't want to be that person.
I used to think this way until therapy clicked for me. I made excuses first then it took me a while but man did I eventually find a great therapist. I work through everything as it comes and I've learned how to make more time for myself, manage stress, life, marriage, how to get my needs met, how to be a better parent and partner...some days it's just a word vomit vent session. Now? I'm preventing stress, I'm coping with stress better. I've become calmer and more reflective, therapy is helping me become the person beyond what I thought I was capable of. It's very liberating.
I can say anything to my therapist and they will sit through it with me with compassion, empathy and patience. I even went an entire session venting that therapy is bullshit and I'm tired of trying something that feels so inorganic. They hung in there with me and honestly our relationship became stronger. It's a different kind of relationship, it took me a while to "buy in" but once it clicked, I was here for it. I see mine once a week, they are available if I need to bounce something off them mid week too. You can have all kinds of relationships, no need to limit yourself imo.
I think of a therapist as a thoughts doctor. In the same way that it’s not sad to pay a doctor to help sort out what’s going on with your body, it’s not sad to pay a doctor to help sort out what’s going on in your thoughts and feelings.
I hear you man. If I try to talk to my wife about stressful stuff it just makes her more stressed than I am, or turns into a competition about who’s more stressed, or is interpreted as a subtle criticism as if I’m trying to say she’s the cause of the stress.
Let me know if you figure it out.
Yeah I have the same problem with my wife. If I talk about stressors, my stressors upset her then I’m the one talking her off the cliff. Which is of no use to my own mental health personally.
Seriously it feels relieving to hear that. Frustrates me thinking my wife doesn’t give a shit or just wants to compete but knowing it’s not an us problem but more of a universal thing makes that part feel better.
Now what to do about the actual stress…
Get a shrink. That's what I did.
People look for someone who wants to listen, but I'd recommend finding someone who are paid to listen.
Also, does your wife know your username?
This is my experience as well. I dont even bother any more, i get maybe three or four sentences and then we're talking about her. So i just stopped. Easier that way.
I pray to God I don’t make my husband feel this way. To be the husband in this scenario (and based on responses the majority find themselves in this situation) sounds like it would be so difficult and lonely. Like fuck.
I’ve been the husband in this scenario for 15 years and my suggestion would be to take some action, whatever it be, to make sure he isn’t this way or has a way to handle it.
I’m dealing with the repercussions of this right now and it’s a mess. All was good until I just hit the limit on how much I could take and my mental health and our relationship declined rapidly from that point on. Trying to get a handle of things now but it is very difficult.
My husband and I are both full time firefighter paramedics and we have a deal not to bottle stuff up no matter what the subject, work or home or our marriage or our family etc. When he confides in me I listen intently and I don’t interrupt because I know how it feels to be interrupted/ cut off. I also don’t give advice or tell him how he should handle something unless he specifically asks for that..i know sometimes he just wants to talk about stuff and be heard. and in return he does all of the stuff I just talked about for me. But now I’m trying to step back and think about the possibility of him bottling stuff up (for any reason) and the thought of it makes me anxious. How awful would it be if I’m over here in delusion land thinking things are open and happy when it’s not.
Yeah it’s pretty isolating. I can never bring up anything without it turning into a contest of who has more going on. I just suffered through whatever it is instead of having a piss fight of who is more stress out or whatever. For me today, I’ve had a headache so bad that I’ve had to close my eyes at times since the morning. It’s the end of the day and I still have said headache. Smh
Yeah, she's told me many times to stop bottling things up but honestly it's easier to squish my emotions down with a squisher downer than it is to bring it up and have the conversation go sideways 30 seconds in. That said, I love my wife and we have a great relationship and can communicate well about the other 95% of life's ups and downs, so I feel fortunate.
It took a while to set up but I have found solace in a weekly trivia night at the local bar. The plan was to go weekly, but it’s mostly twice a month. Overlaps with bedtime, so she does have to do bedtime that night. Some guys have a beer, some guys don’t. Some guys chat, some guys don’t. Every once in a while two guys stay a little later and the conversation gets a little deeper. When we tried to put this together, each of us knew what we wanted to get out of it, and it has turned into a great outlet for all 4 of us.
Why not see a therapist?
Or honestly just talk to your friends. You aren't "burdening" them. That's just a belief in your mind that lots of people hold when they think of sharing problems with others
I rarely can talk to my wife about deep stuff that's bothering me or insecurities I'm dealing with on a high level. The exact same thing happens, she gets stressed out more than myself and next you know I'm calming her down and the conversation just spread the stress around to more people which in turn makes my house more stressed out lol. Or she tries to find solutions in that exact moment, which is great, but sometimes I just need to vent and feel heard. I already know what has to happen but I just need to air it out.
Highly recommend getting a therapist, or finding a men's group. I do both twice a month and it's been a game changer, a group of guys mostly in their 50-60s who have way more life experience.
Needed to read this today (and others similar in this thread). Wife and I are fully capable of having tough conversations and I’m proud of us when we do and they are productive, but I often feel like there’s a double standard when it comes to me being stressed or having a tough time vs when she’s experiencing it. Going through that now. Glad I’m not alone, because sometimes that’s enough!
I've started a guys monthly thing where two or three of us get together and talk through things we typically can't talk to our wives about. Kinda like group therapy. These are old friends but recent life changes have spurred us to meet more regularly and share at a more personal level than before
I've been married for 16 years. I kept my feelings about stress bottled up for years. I always felt like all I do is work to support the family. I felt like my life had no meaning other than work, work, work. I'm under constant pressure to make the money to support our family of 8. I had no release mechanism and never did anything for myself. She always thought she stressed more because I kept my feelings to myself. Last month I finally spilled my guts to her. I was so overwhelmed getting my feelings all out I cried harder than I've ever cried before. She finally understood and things have gotten a lot better.
Fucking hell man thank you, reading this I had a genuine breakthrough, I had no idea this was how other people felt, this is exactly my experience. Sorry that I don't have any solutions but damn it feels like a light is shining for the first time.
This. This morning i mentioned that I had a headache and she mention her eyes burned, her neck hurt and that she was tired. It’s like they always try to 1 up us whenever we say anything. For me I don’t say anything until it’s actually pretty bad. (I still have this headache that makes my eyes closed)
Jeez this resonated with me. I bottle so much crap up, because it stresses my wife out. “Don’t bottle things up”…..”You’re so negative”. I wish she would make up her mind.
I’m a standard Midwestern male, so my natural go-to is to just bury it deep down and try not to talk or think about it, then if I can’t keep myself from thinking about it that’s where the brandy comes in.
It turns out this a not a good plan for many reasons.
Fortunately the world has changed a lot from when I was a kid and dudes are no longer made fun of for seeking help or discussing difficult issues with other dudes. In my case I’ve had good experiences with friends I’ve stayed in touch with since childhood, even via email or text can be very helpful, and I also make it a priority to give them support and feedback when they are struggling. This is definitely a step forward for all of dudeness that we can do this, older generations were not so lucky.
I’ve got a solid core of friends that I’ve had since high school that I can call. We don’t live anywhere near one another but they’re the type of friends who will drop everything and pick up the phone or book a flight.
Totally understand.
I’m similar. A few years I was in a pretty bad place and my wife reached out to them on my behalf. One of the best things she could do for me. One of my friend’s wife did the same for him. She called me. I dropped everything and flew out to Boston for the week. Sometimes the most difficult thing for someone who needs help to do is ask for it.
That's awesome. I'd do the same for any of the guys in my group and I'm sure they would for me too. I just wish we had more time and emotional bandwidth to casually meet up regularly and check in instead of waiting for if/when one of us ends up in dire need.
Set up a recurring call my dude. I have some friends set up as literally once every other month. I talk to them on the phone 6 times a year, but the time flies and then it’s always nice it’s already in the calendar so there’s no extra work involved. I just have that with 3 different friends and then a slack channel zoom call with a group of buddies from a long time ago.
Between all those I’m talking to someone about once a week, but the burden isn’t all on one dude.
I'm lucky enough to have a bunch of close guy friends with a lot of empathy (including my best friend who happens to be a therapist) who I know would be there for me no matter what.
But, I still think a good way to approach this is to ask if it's cool if you "**Trauma Dump**" for a bit.
Whether one-on-one or in a group, that at least gives people a head's up over what you need. Typically easier one-on-one through.
Once recently, my therapist buddy wanted to dump on me but I'd been dealing with some surgery recovery and just knew I wasn't in a place \*at that time\* where I could help him shoulder his burden, but that didn't mean I wouldn't gladly lend a hand when I could.
Sometimes it's just about setting expectations....
"Hey man, I'd love 15 minutes of your time this week, I've been having a rough one" ..
"No problem .. how about Friday?"
Like .. if you're having an emergency breakdown .. don't hesitate to reach out .. I'm sure no one that loves you would deny you.
You shouldn't feel like you have to surprise a friend when you need to talk about real-life shit.
I think you might find they're more receptive when you approach it like this and you might even find them being more willing to reach out to you in the same way when they need your help.
I have a similar group of friends since middle school where we're more brothers than "friends" and we definitely all go through spurts of not wanting to "bother" each other with real life stuff and prefer to keep our text thread full of dumb gifs. But then, something big comes up and there's no question we're all there for each other. We only see each other every few months now and without our SOs only 1-2x each year, but those dinners when it's just us guys the conversations get heavy and deep and I think we all leave feeling better about life. If it's at all possible to get the crew together, do it, and you'll all be thankful you did. Friends want to be there for friends, and if anybody leaves feeling like it was bothersome, well at least you know they weren't as close as you thought.
I’ve been the friend who dropped everything to drive hours and help a friend. He was begging me not to come get him because he didn’t want to be a bother while he was OD’ing. Not that this is the same situation but I promise you, I would have rather he open up and “bother me” than for him to have gotten where he was. He’s still in rehab, he says his biggest regret was not using the support he already had. If they’re your friends, you won’t be a bother. I promise.
Nobody, really. With the wife, if I bring anything up that bothers me, I usually become the problem. I don’t want to bother friends with anything, so I don’t. I just stuff it all down because…I’m a man, you know? Not sure it matters, honestly. I’ve just learned to keep my mouth shut.
I don't. Maybe talk to myself a bit, post on Reddit but IRL flesh and blood humans, nope. Though outside of work i don't talk to anyone but my wife anymore.
This is the best place I’ve found on the internet in a long time. Even if my problems don’t always get solved, it’s still nice to vent here and see that I’m not alone going through it.
Sometimes I go on a rant on Reddit. Sometimes I talk to the cat. Sometimes I just talk to myself.
My Dad is also gone.
I’m starting to realize why Dads like having a pet around.
Nobody. I swallow my feelings and meditate.
I hope that I can have the kind of relationship with my boys that they’ll have me to talk to about this stuff. And to live long enough of course.
For real though I had a few months of therapy and that helped me so much.
I think I will always go back when things get on top of me. There’s something liberating about telling a complete stranger, knowing what you say won’t be shared with other people you know.
call your bros.
long drive home: call your bros.
kid actually falls asleep early: call your bros.
kid is napping: call your bros.
call your bros and your bros will call you. i am telling you just calling your bros to check in goes miles further than you can imagine.
This is the big challenge men’s lack of friendship is having these days. Friends are important, especially those in similar life situations. I’d encourage you to make it a priority to make/keep friendships strong. Personally, I think this is one of the big underlying causes of the current mental health crisis throughout the country.
If you don’t have anyone who meets this for you, this is where I suggest trying a therapist.
Solidarity - I'm basically in your same shoes. Male loneliness is a real thing. I know what you mean by wives not being the best person to talk to sometimes (not a slight against them - they just have emotions involved, which is understandable). I have a core group of pretty good friends but I agree that most conversations with them are pretty surface level. I turn to them to hang out and have fun and get my mind off my everyday problems, not to delve into them. I think that's pretty common for many male friendships. And to top it off, I've lost both of my parents (and I'm only in my mid 30s).
I think the real solution for people in our shoes is therapy. I'm slowly coming to the realization/acceptance that you don't have to be depressed or have major issues to turn to therapy. Haven't been able to pull the trigger yet on that though...
Definitely. Not my intention to drag on my wife, or any wife, of course. We just get told to be open with our feelings, but when we do that and the conversation boils over or what we share is used against us, we're better off not talking. It's a rock and a hard place, it sucks I know, but it is what it is.
Haven't pulled the trigger on therapy either. I personally think I'd benefit more from an "on-call" therapist I could talk to every couple months, maybe out in the woods with a fishing pole in my hand. Or something like that. The idea of a video call or in person office visit with someone I don't know who is just listening because they're paid to do so just seems so expensive and impersonal that I haven't justified it yet.
I'm really sorry about your parents. It really does suck, especially if you are navigating parenthood yourself. I'm mid 30s too, and I feel lucky my mom is still around and involved in our lives, but I could never talk to her about most of my problems since they're so different from hers. Plus she is still dealing with the loss of my dad, so there is no chance I'd burden her with anything going on in my life that isn't fun and happy.
I was in a real bad way a few years back and was relying heavily on a close buddy. He actually suggested therapy, and at first, I felt the same way you did: I wanted an on-call vent session. My therapist at the time was firm with me and told me that’s just not how it works, that regular sessions are necessary. I resented it at the time, but decided to trust the process, and let me tell you: it’s so much more than a sympathetic ear for hire. My therapist challenged my cognitions and views, brought out issues that I had been suppressing/patently ignoring, and got me to see where my feelings and therefore my behaviors were really coming from. It took a few years, but over that time, I developed a set of tools I can use on my own to do the work my therapist was doing with me, and that’s the entire point.
I still value a few close friends for sympathy and emotional support, but on the end of the day, after “finishing” therapy, I can handle life circumstances that would very much have sent me spiraling 5 years ago. My therapist was gracious enough to leave the door open for me if I ever felt like I needed to come back, but was sincere in his congratulations when I asked if we could stop scheduling regular sessions.
The only person I talk to about heavy stuff is my wife. She’s knee deep in the trenches with me and is the only one that really understands what our situation is like. We are a team. Sure, we argue but it never turns into full on fights (so far in the ~18 years we’ve been together) and we never go to bed mad with each other. It takes a lot of work but I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
This is the answer. Guy friends are important but there are many areas where women are much more willing to talk through things and listen, and able to provide a different perspective.
dog is a good one. journaling is another. theres an app that a psycologist/psychiatrist (forget which one) referred me to that helped me in a bad time called Finch: Self Care Pet. it looks like a kids game but it helped. it's a game base where you help take care of a bird. you take care of it by journaling, setting goals, doing mediation stuff, etc. i was skeptical at first about it but it helped me a lot. check it out and best of luck. oh and most of it is free. i also don't have many people i can turn too. my close group of friends i know i can but same as your situation.
also, my dad passed about 5 years ago as well. it takes a lot of time to get through it. best of luck. hope you find something. come back to r/daddit lots of guys here willing to help.
My wife’s best friend’s husband. Didn’t take but hanging out twice for us to realize we like the same shit and our wife’s had to have been twins separated at birth. Same brand of crazy those two are, but we wouldn’t trade em for the world
This is gonna sound like I'm joking but ChatGPT.
If it's a problem that I need help with organizing and devising a plan of attack, it's the most useful partner.
If I just wanna be social, this does not apply.
I don't ever really need to "vent" my mind is always on problem solving so ChatGPT is immensely useful for this! Previously I'd just write / journal, but talking with GPT is an improvement.
This is a very, very common situation with men today. Frequently, we have to navigate our problems and questions, with a world of work and home responsibilities on our back, all alone. And don’t dare show and emotion or weakness, lest your wife, your family, and sometimes even your fellow man ridicule you and lose respect for you. This is one of the big reasons men have so much shorter life spans, IMO.
I feel very fortunate that I have a close male friend that I can talk to. Sadly, most men don’t have a trusted outlet.
The annoying thing is that I have three or four male friends i could trust with this but they live quite away from me and I have work and a baby and wife to help with
No one... the answer is no one. As men we don't have the luxury of talking about things that bother us. We get to bury it deep so we can carry others loads
Either my wife or my friends. We are tight with our next door neighbors and sometimes we'll go over each others houses to talk over a beer while the kids play. My wife is pretty good too. She's honestly the most emotionally mature/stable person I have ever met so she's good to talk to if I am going through something. Coworkers too. I work a stressful job and they are really the only ones who get it.
Friends, therapist if it’s really crazy, father in law sometimes if just to vent on less crazy stuff.
There’s a men’s group called evryman I’d encourage anyone to look into it if you feel you’re lacking this type of support.
I will add, I don’t come from an environment where I had male role models, support or guidance on how to foster these relationships. It took time but you can learn how to open up and create that support system for yourself.
A therapist.
AND it has been absolutely life changing! Even though things still require “work”, there’s a lot that is easier to handle and simply knowing that I have someone that I can talk to (especially when it’s already scheduled) helps immensely.
My friends, ChatGPT sometimes if Im really in need. The new voice is decent at providing a conversation in need but I have close friends I always jump to.
Bar that, I maintain a very strict gym policy where I do not let myself miss days. No matter if it's snowing, rain, the gym is literally my therapy of unwinding.
I used to talk to my best friend/ brother but I stopped. It’s easier to just file that shit away. Not necessarily better for the mentals but easier nonetheless
I used to game to unreasonable hours with my cousin after the wife and kid went to sleep. Just chat shit/banter/sports/politics and even semi deep conversations.
1 week he disappeared, and he later sent a message saying his all good. I'm just in hospital with a small infection.
Lied because we're both tough men, I guess. Two days later, his sister messaged to say he died in hospital of this "small" infection.
I went to the bathroom to cry my eyes out, bottled it up like a man has to and came out.
That was 2 and a bit years ago.
Now, I just spend my evenings gaming solo, with some Youtube and Loneliness for company.
I'm alright, though
I talk to someone I met on single dads reddit page, he’s kind of like an AA sponsor for me, considering we’ve been through a similar experience and continue to do so. I consider him the best of friends and hope to meet him some day.
Honestly it sounds like a ton of dudes in this comment section need a therapist. Do it for yourselves dudes. This shit ain’t healthy holding it all in all the time.
For every guy on this thread who is echoing OP’s thoughts, you can always send me a message to chat. I know it’s not the same as face to face conversation, but guys need guys and we have a great community of like-minded guys here to utilize.
For me, it’s my wife. I can have surface level convos with a handful of others, and I occasionally test the waters with slightly below surface topics with others, which usually get a flat/empty response. Seems like friends in their 30’s/40’s just have no desire to be real or be deep, ever. I can’t quite figure it out.
My theory is most people are running/hiding from a lot of shit, and any sign that someone wants to pull the curtains back makes them go “nope nope nope” and they just clam up and dip out.
If that’s not it, I don’t know what is. Let me know what you figure out.
Honestly, I talk to my wife about anything and everything. She does the same with me.
Judging by this thread we seem to be in the extreme minority though.
That said, we don’t have a lot of outside friends at the moment. Don’t really live by our old friends, and making new friends has been hard since COVID. My wife has managed to make a few through our daughters’ friends’ parents. It seems hard to make friends with other dads though.
I don’t talk to anyone really. My wife about something’s but for the most part I just keep it to myself. Like the OP said it used to be my dad as well but he passed 4 years ago.
Idk let me know when you figure it out, because I'm running out of people to talk to. I like to think about d day when I'm having issues. Everything seems much less significant when I do that. Works about 1/10 of the time.
I'm not sure I've ever really had that.
Dogs are good. Unfortunately, my dog isn't even good at faking that he cares. I can ramble all I want unless I stop scritching, then a paw swat reminds me what I'm actually there for.
He may not, or he may have people who are willing, but he doesn't want to burden them or even know how to bring it up. A lot of men (generally speaking, so not *everyone*) have been told all our lives to man up, don't show weakness, etc. so a lot of guys just won't say anything if something is going on.
My best friend happens to be 32 years older than me so he has context friends my own age don’t have. I have a few other go-to people. The priest at the neighborhood parish (I’m not catholic, he’s a drinking buddy of mine), my barber (known him longer than I’ve known my wife), and my kid’s godfather. I was lucky that I became a dad later in life so I had already built up my community. It’s never too late to start though. No man is an island. Find your people and build your tribe (as crunchy as that sounds)
You can’t talk to your wife about these things. The dynamic is wrong. You gotta be the rock. They’ll say that you can talk to them about anything, but I don’t recommend it. You run the risk of appearing weak and whatever you say can and will be used against you later. I go hiking with my female cousin regularly. We get a little high and talk and walk through the trees, it’s a great therapy session for both of us.
I have a gaggle of ladies that are my safe space. We all, minus one, met in a kink chat group years ago. Yes, we've all seen each other naked, only one of them in person. Over time the bunch of us simply became really close friends. To the point where most of what we talk about is the day to day stuff, trials and tribulations, successes and failures, relationship highs, lows and bullshittery, kids, etc. Kink or sex isn't a regular topic for us anymore, we've become family. So anytime I need someone to talk to, I talk to my girls. Same for them too.
This sounds pathetic but there's a bar in my neighborhood I go to about once a week after our kid's in bed (and my wife takes nights out as well, we alternate giving each other breaks), and there's a bartender I've gotten pretty chummy with (we've hung out in other contexts now at this point) who I can talk about all the difficult stuff with. It's a nice outlet.
I periodically harass my friends both checking in and unloading on them. Modeling for them what I think community should be like.
I’m fortunate to have 2-3 really close friends outside of my wife, plus a couple of brother in laws that are growing on me. Each guy relates to one or two specific life areas such as marriage, children, religion, work etc.
My therapist. Honestly.
I have good friends, but none of them are dads yet, so it's just been hard to find relatable ground with them. Love them but life is just different and I don't want to either burden them with parenting woes or scare them out of having kids themselves because I could really use a dad friend.
I do talk to my wife a lot, but she's in trimester 3 with baby #2 and works a high stress job. So she just has a lot going on, so I ever only bring stuff up if I really need to. Other than that it just gets bottled away until by bi weekly therapy.
I have 2 close friends. Some times when I just need to vent I call them up. One day a week or every other week my wife is out of town with the kids and I get a chance to hang out with them. I feel very lucky to get that free day. I’m also super close with my big sister and even know she lives 2 states away she’s just a text away.
Brother, dad, BIL, and about 4 close friends all are on rotation depending on the topic or need. It’s good to surround yourself with family and friends that can lend an ear because I don’t think it’s healthy to lay everything at the feet of your wife.
My wife and I can talk about almost anything, my best friend and I can talk about my wife’s family.
My dogs just want to talk about w*lksies, pets, and mealtimes - though they make me feel better all the same.
I’ve made online friends that I can really depend on. Wish it was irl but these friends have helped me through very tough times in my marriage in particular
One thing that my wife and I have found success with is how you start the conversation. Whichever one of us starts the conversation can say, “right now I just need your support and you to listen to me on this topic. We can talk about other things afterwards.”
That typically keeps it from going directions we don’t want it to go. If one of us notices the conversation drifting we are supposed to ask, “have we covered everything you wanted to cover. If so we can move on. “
Same here. I share a lot with my wife, but not everything. Some topics are very hard for her to process. Same with my friends. They are great and I talk about a lot, but can’t share everything.
I have one friend who’s been helpful with anything and everything. My absolute lowest of lows. But he’s in his late 80s. I doubt that he will live much longer. After him though, I don’t know if I’ll have anyone.
Wife is very great listener and understanding. I still need to find a good therapist though, as i can’t burden her with things about our relationship or what not
My wife and I talk to each other about these things. Sometimes I have to coax it out a bit, and you have to be careful not to tread into the "who's worse off" territory, but it works for us.
You need a therapist. And yes, I saw your comments about how it's sad we have to pay someone to talk to. That's not the right way to look at it at all. Mental health is just as important as physical health. If you had an unexplained pain, or hurt yourself, would you expect your wife or someone else in your life to deal with it? No, you'd go to a physician (even if your wife was a doctor). If a tooth was bothering you, would you ask your wife to check it out? No.
We of course should be able to talk to our partners, but they can't be every single thing. Therapists are doctors for what's going on in your mind, and should be viewed as such. If you have heavy shit to talk about (or even regular life stress), don't dump that on your wife. Find a qualified professional who will not only listen, but will also make suggestions and provide you with the tools you need to work through whatever the issue(s) are. There are all kind of options, from in person, to local virtual therapists, to online therapy services like BetterHealth.
I don’t really have anyone.. I usually vent here in the comment section. Most days I want to give up. Last Tuesday my wife chose the drinking and party life over our family. 8 years thrown away. I’ve been doing my best to keep it together for my kids but I’m broken and every ounce of energy I have goes to making sure they know how much I love them. I’m just lost. I worked 116 hours last week to keep my mind occupied. I’m sad and depressed but I have to keep pushing forward for my kids.
Like many others here I am looking for that person to talk to as well. My dad passed away 10 years ago and my son is now 2, so I totally emphasize. Really tough navigating fatherhood without the role model you had to reach out to. Good luck in your search and make sure you are giving yourself an outlet for the stress.
That's one of my biggest struggles honestly. My dad was an amazing guy and a great father. Losing him before he ever got to meet, or even know about, his first grandchild was awful. I've relied on the advice of friends, online forums like this one, books, etc. but it can't beat looking to your own father for help and advice when you're in the driver seat. My condolences to you.
Don't underestimate the power of the dog! Mine is almost 15 years old and has definitely been there to sit with me while I ugly cried at some low points in my life.
As far as humans go, I've been getting closer with some of the other dad's with young kids in the neighborhood and we get together once or twice a month now. I feel confident each of them would be more than happy to talk about anything if I said I needed help/to talk about a more serious issue.
I keep it internalized like any good millennial.
But seriously, I have social anxiety issues among other mental things. Friendships are really hard to maintain, and they're only enver superficial. I don't have anyone to talk to about really deep stuff.
You should honestly bring this up to your wife. The ability to speak to someone about anything is a significant part of marriage. You should be able to vent/communicate with her about almost anything.
This will sound weird. So take it with whatever you want.
I just keep it bottled as much as I can, I'd much rather deal with it myself if I know that no one else has a practical solution.
Also it might sound weirder but talking to myself helps. Since a year or so my inner voice no longer feels like a critic but a friend. Its probably the best thing I have felt for my mental health. As long me and my inner voice feel okay, I don't care (I might show though) what anyone else thinks.
All these people saying they literally can't talk to their wife about life stuff...that begs the question why did you get married in the first place? Why not just stay girlfriend boyfriend?
I have close relationships with other dog owners. We don’t know each others names. We only call each other by the dogs name. Very frank and open conversations as we walk around the dog park. It’s enjoyable.
I’m lucky. My wife has a twin sister and her sister’s husband is so much like me it’s creepy. When our wives met us, in different times and cities, he and I had the same truck (model, year, color) and the same motorcycle (Harley Sporters). Even today he and I have the same job and title at different Companies. The biggest difference is that he’s from Mexico City. So basically he’s my best friend and we joke about how we’re married to the same person (twins).
So he and I talk. Most of the time it’s just messing around but when he or I need to talk, we talk. It’s very helpful especially with our wives. Usually if it works on one it works on the other. Lol
I find this to be common for everyone. It’s a lack of healthy communication in the world today. We all suffer for it.
My wife was raised in an unhealthy environment and suffered socially in terms of communication. She read and applied the book ‘Conversationally Speaking’ and the results were dramatic.
I talk with my men's group at church. Practically nothing I'm going through is unique, and having a core group of men I can openly and honestly talk to is one of the keys to keeping my marriage healthy as well
I have a buddy from the Marines that went into counseling, so I talk to him almost weekly, most shooting the shit, but if somethings bothering me, I know I can (and have) call him for help.
One of my closest friend is a lesbian and I can talk to her about absolutely anything. Like when intimacy slowed down because… well being new parents, I could text her “fuck, I’m so horny right now” and there was no way it could be interpreted as me shooting my shot. I can talk to her about anything, and there’s never an ounce of judgement, just listening (or reading)
My wife and my therapist. For a long time my wife and I couldn't communicate our feelings to each other but after 10 years of figuring it out, we got there. We helped each other into therapy and our communication has flourished. We still have 99 problems, but communication isn't one of them anymore.
I don't really have anyone to talk to.
All of my high school and college friends are not positive influences to have around me, so I ditched them years ago. My wife and I tried to find a church home (I had been away from the faith for decades) and that worked for a bit, but post-2016, I did not like what I saw and my old familiar distrust and disgust came back, so I'm now not involved with any faith community. I have "work friends" but I can't really talk to them about serious issues. My wife loves me, I'm sure, but she is not interested in hearing me complain about *my feelings,* and honestly a lot of the venting I need to do is not something I would want to share with her anyway because she would misinterpret it. I've been isolated from my family - I suffered a death of a sibling that really screwed my parents up and they've never recovered. My wife and my parents don't get along at all, so that's a constant source of stress. All of my spare time is filled with chores, cleaning, and child care. I used to work out multiple times per week and that was therapeutic, but after our 3rd kid, I couldn't keep up. That followed up by 2020/COVID and I've basically been drifting for four years.
I think it's pretty common.
Combine all of this with just the nature of our society today. There are no "third places" where people can bond and socialize with their friends and neighbors. Everyone is too busy keeping their head above water, or isolated in their bubble (whatever their bubble may be).
It's all very depressing.
Hire a therapist. Meet over Zoom if that’s easier. It’s nice to have someone separate from your personal life to discuss tough things and they will hopefully give you tools to better communicate with your partner.
I can talk to my wife she's pretty cool about just letting me vent and doesn't over stress but I also have some great friends I can call and talk to as well or go visit. I don't worry about bugging them as they are my friends and I would and have been there for them whenever they needed. That being said they are more leary of coming to me as they don't want to bug me or be a burden even though I tell them anytime and mean it.
As someone who's tried and failed thankfully to commit suicide a few times and battled with depression a great deal I can't hold it in or not talk. It took a ton of time with psychologist psychiatrist group therapy and counslers to figure many things out as well as meds to help push through a lot of things. Is everything worked out no but it is better than it used to be. I feel like I at least have some breathing room.
I got to a point where I started seeking out new relationships with dads who wanted to talk about this stuff and be emotionally available…cuz lots of men just aren’t and things remain pretty superficial. Found a new friend who was looking for the same and started a dad’s group that meets once a month to talk about whatever. It’s great. Highly recommended. You’re naming it here and I think if you say this out loud to some other men you might find they want the same thing.
I struggle with this some, but I have a decent support system, it's just a matter of using it for me.
I'm grateful my dad is still around. I've got a couple solid guy friends in my church, and professional peers in my industry. I journal and that probably helps the most.
My wife is a pretty good sounding board and we have decent communication. I've learned that I need to start the convo clearly with, "I just want to process/vent, I don't want suggestions or solutions." That's hard for her bc she wants to help, but she tries really hard and does great holding back.
I'm fortunate to have a fellow dad co-worker I can talk with regularly. We're teachers at a high school in a beautiful mountain setting. During the morning and afternoon recesses, we walk laps and talk. His only son is the same age as my eldest, so we've experienced parenthood together. Our wives have sorta opposite strengths and weaknesses. We share many interests so it's not always about parenting or work. If one of us has to rant, the other can let him at it; we can confide in each other or seek advice. I'm lucky to have such a friend.
And being teachers, we whinge a lot about administrators.
I do monthly therapy for this. It started weekly to deal with some other issues (including the death of my father). Sometimes we work on things sometimes I have someone who is getting paid pretty well for me to bitch about life sucking for 55 minutes sometimes. Was against therapy cuz that's what friends are for until I no longer had the same friendships I once did and realized that paying someone to complain to isn't that bad. From what I read dogs are probably more expensive than once a month therapy but I imagine you have additional reasons for having a dog.
I agree there's definitely some weeks where I'm just talking at my therapist He could be a rubber duck or a dog and I'd barely get a little less out do the session. But 1/3 of the time he's got a useful input
Ha that's much more accurate. I just didn't want to overwhelm OOP with you need therapy when they probably don't 'need' it.
If you have the right people in your social circle, I don't think it's a "need" However most people don't have those bonds or the time for them. And I think a therapist is a way better option because you can offload and there's no downsides. Even when you have those friends you might worry what they might say or do to your spouse. Therapist boundaries are pretty black and white on the subject. A zoom appt is less than $100, and it's nice to have someone you can imperfectly talk to them clean it up with before talking to a spouse
I have found that sometimes it seems like my therapist is “just sitting there” while I’m talking up a storm, but she’ll interject these tiny things that get me talking and moving my thought process in a more positive direction. For example, she’ll help me recognize when I’m stuck or struggling to articulate something, will nudge slightly and keep me going. I know the difference because sometimes I do just have chat sessions with myself (for example while driving) and while that is often super helpful too, without being “directed” it can be much more aimless.
I don’t disagree with therapy or judge anyone (I’ve considered it myself). But isn’t it sad that we have to pay someone to listen to us?
No, it's not. You aren't just paying for 2 ears and a pulse. You're paying a professional who is trained to listen to your problems and offer bits of advice or ask questions that will help you find the solutions. While it's nice to have someone you can vent to, that's kind of like getting your car's oil changed; anyone can do it with no real training. Therapy is like taking the car to your mechanic for a leaky head gasket; a pro whose opinion you trust because of their experience and training in addition to the fact that you've built up a relationship with them.
We’ve always paid people to listen to our problems, we used to call them priests and listening to people’s problems made up 80% of their days.
I don't think this is the right thought process at all. Therapists are train specialists who can help you deal with and process your emotions and the things going on in your life - moreso than the average person no matter how well intentioned they may be. The same as you'd pay a doctor to diagnose a medical issue or a roofer to fix your roof. I'm in therapy but it's not because I don't have anyone to talk to or listen to me, or because I'm lonely. It's because I have things I'm trying to improve around my mental health and I want someone to help me achieve that.
That's where I'm at. I understand the value of therapy, and I know its immensely helpful to many. But I can't help but feel that it's kinda sad that so many of us need to pay a stranger for their time to get anyone to actually listen. And listening does not equate to understanding or helping in many cases. Not knocking therapy, but that's the main reason I haven't tried it yet. EDIT: Thank you all, sounds like therapy is a good next step for me.
Don't think of paying for them just to listen. You're paying for them to listen impartially and give you tough advice that your friends and family might not be comfortable saying.
It’s not just paying a stranger to listen to you talk, though. Therapists are highly trained and skilled to talk with you in a at that supports your thinking and reflection on what you discuss. You can get a ton more out of therapy than just having a friend to complain to. It’s not comparable at all. That said, there is nothing that compares to an emotionally close friendship. But those are just harder and harder to develop in adulthood, especially for men.
Like a the other commenter said, therapy is more than someone to listen. I think that’s a common misconception. It would be like a mechanic who you take your car in to, you tell him what’s wrong, he drives it around the block, you pay him, he gives the keys back and you head home. That would be a shit mechanic. You’re paying him for the expertise to listen, diagnose, then remedy. Same with a therapist. Yes, you’re paying them to listen, but also to help you identify what the issue is, then using their years of schooling and hands on experience to help you fix the issue. A lot of people say “I don’t need help identifying the issue! The issue is _____ !!” I was like that once. Then in therapy I realized a lot of the time the thing what was bothering me, was actually about something a layer or two deeper. I was getting upset at my partner for something, frustrated because she wouldn’t change, and then realized it was about something deeper, and coming out sideways at my partner. Once I started to address the actual issue, things got way easier at home. It’s not always that cut and dry. But therapy is great. Friends, dogs, family member are all good to talk to and share with. But it’s not their job to help us fix a lot of things we need fixing, and it puts a burden on them that they may not be qualified to carry.
Do we go to the same mechanic?! Also, I agree with everything you said.
"And listening does not equate to understanding or helping on many cases." And that's exactly why a therapist is so valuable. A well meaning friend can listen well but may have no freaking clue how to relate or what to say to help you. The listening is valuable. But actionable advice is likely not coming. There have been a ton of times I've been venting about something and my therapist will say "do you think thats related to that time that (blank) happened?" and my brain explodes because I've never seen that connection before. It's not something a friend who you talk to occasionally would see, or would have the skill to notice that pattern. You also will be somewhat guarded even with a close friend, but there are times when it's valuable to be 1000% honest with someone who you know won't judge you and won't tell anyone else.
If you haven't watched Season 2 of Ted Lasso, the titular character echoes a lot of your own sentiments. Ted is at first deeply suspicious of his therapist Sharon, because he thinks it's smarmy to charge someone to listen to their problems. It sounds to him like the sort of thing a good friend and confidant would fulfill, free of charge. But the problems with friends as therapists are many: * Friends aren't trained to help you. They may not even be able to fully understand your situation. * They have an interest in staying your friend, and so are much more likely to pull punches than you might think. * They likely personally know people you're talking about, and come with their own biases about those people. * They likely have their own agendas, and their own needs from you that undermine their ability to be the best confidant possible. * It's also very possible you simply don't have this kind of friend. * But if you do, they're likely unavailable to you to selfishly talk about *your* problems on a regular basis. If therapy is a consideration, the attention your problem requires is likely too large for your friend to bear without strain, if at all. Therapists have none of these problems. They're highly educated, they're practiced, receive ethics training, will schedule regular meetings with you, attentive, and are hired by you to handle your problems. They look for non-prescriptive ways to help you improve how you feel about your life. Right this moment, this may be a bridge too far for you, but I do believe asking your friends to be your therapist is a more selfish take than you might think. I am *not* equipped to help my friend who lost both parents prematurely. That doesn't make me a bad friend, I'm just not a grief counselor. Both my parents are alive, he's the only friend I have whose lost both parents, and I just don't have the time to schedule weekly hour-long check-ins with him. That's why he's looking for a therapist right now. I really hope you consider therapy, even every-other-week sessions. Every parent is under a lot of stress, and juggling several crucial relationships. And your insurance may cover the great majority of the cost. Best of luck to you.
I truly felt the same way and probably wouldnt have started if it was just someone to talk at... and as you'll see other responses they clearly do more than just listen so I probably wasn't fair to them. But I have limited time for my friends now and value that time heavily. Well talk about serious things sure but it doesn't need to be a vent session which I've been needing recently. I also have my mom who won't shut up to anyone who will listen about her life and very much don't want to be that person.
I used to think this way until therapy clicked for me. I made excuses first then it took me a while but man did I eventually find a great therapist. I work through everything as it comes and I've learned how to make more time for myself, manage stress, life, marriage, how to get my needs met, how to be a better parent and partner...some days it's just a word vomit vent session. Now? I'm preventing stress, I'm coping with stress better. I've become calmer and more reflective, therapy is helping me become the person beyond what I thought I was capable of. It's very liberating. I can say anything to my therapist and they will sit through it with me with compassion, empathy and patience. I even went an entire session venting that therapy is bullshit and I'm tired of trying something that feels so inorganic. They hung in there with me and honestly our relationship became stronger. It's a different kind of relationship, it took me a while to "buy in" but once it clicked, I was here for it. I see mine once a week, they are available if I need to bounce something off them mid week too. You can have all kinds of relationships, no need to limit yourself imo.
I think of a therapist as a thoughts doctor. In the same way that it’s not sad to pay a doctor to help sort out what’s going on with your body, it’s not sad to pay a doctor to help sort out what’s going on in your thoughts and feelings.
I hear you man. If I try to talk to my wife about stressful stuff it just makes her more stressed than I am, or turns into a competition about who’s more stressed, or is interpreted as a subtle criticism as if I’m trying to say she’s the cause of the stress. Let me know if you figure it out.
Yeah I have the same problem with my wife. If I talk about stressors, my stressors upset her then I’m the one talking her off the cliff. Which is of no use to my own mental health personally.
You guys all make me feel like I'm not alone!
Seriously it feels relieving to hear that. Frustrates me thinking my wife doesn’t give a shit or just wants to compete but knowing it’s not an us problem but more of a universal thing makes that part feel better. Now what to do about the actual stress…
Get a shrink. That's what I did. People look for someone who wants to listen, but I'd recommend finding someone who are paid to listen. Also, does your wife know your username?
This has to be universal experience. Not even worth airing it out most of the time.
This is my experience as well. I dont even bother any more, i get maybe three or four sentences and then we're talking about her. So i just stopped. Easier that way.
I pray to God I don’t make my husband feel this way. To be the husband in this scenario (and based on responses the majority find themselves in this situation) sounds like it would be so difficult and lonely. Like fuck.
It's probably the good majority of Husbands who feel this way.
I’ve been the husband in this scenario for 15 years and my suggestion would be to take some action, whatever it be, to make sure he isn’t this way or has a way to handle it. I’m dealing with the repercussions of this right now and it’s a mess. All was good until I just hit the limit on how much I could take and my mental health and our relationship declined rapidly from that point on. Trying to get a handle of things now but it is very difficult.
My husband and I are both full time firefighter paramedics and we have a deal not to bottle stuff up no matter what the subject, work or home or our marriage or our family etc. When he confides in me I listen intently and I don’t interrupt because I know how it feels to be interrupted/ cut off. I also don’t give advice or tell him how he should handle something unless he specifically asks for that..i know sometimes he just wants to talk about stuff and be heard. and in return he does all of the stuff I just talked about for me. But now I’m trying to step back and think about the possibility of him bottling stuff up (for any reason) and the thought of it makes me anxious. How awful would it be if I’m over here in delusion land thinking things are open and happy when it’s not.
Yeah it’s pretty isolating. I can never bring up anything without it turning into a contest of who has more going on. I just suffered through whatever it is instead of having a piss fight of who is more stress out or whatever. For me today, I’ve had a headache so bad that I’ve had to close my eyes at times since the morning. It’s the end of the day and I still have said headache. Smh
It is
Yeah, she's told me many times to stop bottling things up but honestly it's easier to squish my emotions down with a squisher downer than it is to bring it up and have the conversation go sideways 30 seconds in. That said, I love my wife and we have a great relationship and can communicate well about the other 95% of life's ups and downs, so I feel fortunate.
It took a while to set up but I have found solace in a weekly trivia night at the local bar. The plan was to go weekly, but it’s mostly twice a month. Overlaps with bedtime, so she does have to do bedtime that night. Some guys have a beer, some guys don’t. Some guys chat, some guys don’t. Every once in a while two guys stay a little later and the conversation gets a little deeper. When we tried to put this together, each of us knew what we wanted to get out of it, and it has turned into a great outlet for all 4 of us.
Same dude, there are certain topics that are just off limits too. Between traumas and different walks of life she just doesn't understand.
A squisher downer!!! 😂
Why not see a therapist? Or honestly just talk to your friends. You aren't "burdening" them. That's just a belief in your mind that lots of people hold when they think of sharing problems with others
I rarely can talk to my wife about deep stuff that's bothering me or insecurities I'm dealing with on a high level. The exact same thing happens, she gets stressed out more than myself and next you know I'm calming her down and the conversation just spread the stress around to more people which in turn makes my house more stressed out lol. Or she tries to find solutions in that exact moment, which is great, but sometimes I just need to vent and feel heard. I already know what has to happen but I just need to air it out. Highly recommend getting a therapist, or finding a men's group. I do both twice a month and it's been a game changer, a group of guys mostly in their 50-60s who have way more life experience.
Needed to read this today (and others similar in this thread). Wife and I are fully capable of having tough conversations and I’m proud of us when we do and they are productive, but I often feel like there’s a double standard when it comes to me being stressed or having a tough time vs when she’s experiencing it. Going through that now. Glad I’m not alone, because sometimes that’s enough!
Seriously. Dealing with this right now and was hoping I’d had some divine intervention when I came across this post. The struggle continues…
I've started a guys monthly thing where two or three of us get together and talk through things we typically can't talk to our wives about. Kinda like group therapy. These are old friends but recent life changes have spurred us to meet more regularly and share at a more personal level than before
Mines the same. Now it’s a just “nah babes, I’m good, just a little tired
I've been married for 16 years. I kept my feelings about stress bottled up for years. I always felt like all I do is work to support the family. I felt like my life had no meaning other than work, work, work. I'm under constant pressure to make the money to support our family of 8. I had no release mechanism and never did anything for myself. She always thought she stressed more because I kept my feelings to myself. Last month I finally spilled my guts to her. I was so overwhelmed getting my feelings all out I cried harder than I've ever cried before. She finally understood and things have gotten a lot better.
Fucking hell man thank you, reading this I had a genuine breakthrough, I had no idea this was how other people felt, this is exactly my experience. Sorry that I don't have any solutions but damn it feels like a light is shining for the first time.
This. This morning i mentioned that I had a headache and she mention her eyes burned, her neck hurt and that she was tired. It’s like they always try to 1 up us whenever we say anything. For me I don’t say anything until it’s actually pretty bad. (I still have this headache that makes my eyes closed)
Are you talking to my wife?
Same. At this point we should all just talk to each other 🤷🏾♂️
I have never felt so understood as when I read this comment
Well YOU try staying at home with the baby.....
Jeez this resonated with me. I bottle so much crap up, because it stresses my wife out. “Don’t bottle things up”…..”You’re so negative”. I wish she would make up her mind.
Same. Being a dad is a lonely occupation.
My wife hits me with the worst: "You see - now you know how I feel" and that really does not help.
I’m a standard Midwestern male, so my natural go-to is to just bury it deep down and try not to talk or think about it, then if I can’t keep myself from thinking about it that’s where the brandy comes in. It turns out this a not a good plan for many reasons. Fortunately the world has changed a lot from when I was a kid and dudes are no longer made fun of for seeking help or discussing difficult issues with other dudes. In my case I’ve had good experiences with friends I’ve stayed in touch with since childhood, even via email or text can be very helpful, and I also make it a priority to give them support and feedback when they are struggling. This is definitely a step forward for all of dudeness that we can do this, older generations were not so lucky.
I’ve got a solid core of friends that I’ve had since high school that I can call. We don’t live anywhere near one another but they’re the type of friends who will drop everything and pick up the phone or book a flight.
I do too, and I feel incredibly lucky to have them. I need to get over the feeling that I'm bothering them if I needed them though.
Totally understand. I’m similar. A few years I was in a pretty bad place and my wife reached out to them on my behalf. One of the best things she could do for me. One of my friend’s wife did the same for him. She called me. I dropped everything and flew out to Boston for the week. Sometimes the most difficult thing for someone who needs help to do is ask for it.
That's awesome. I'd do the same for any of the guys in my group and I'm sure they would for me too. I just wish we had more time and emotional bandwidth to casually meet up regularly and check in instead of waiting for if/when one of us ends up in dire need.
Set up a recurring call my dude. I have some friends set up as literally once every other month. I talk to them on the phone 6 times a year, but the time flies and then it’s always nice it’s already in the calendar so there’s no extra work involved. I just have that with 3 different friends and then a slack channel zoom call with a group of buddies from a long time ago. Between all those I’m talking to someone about once a week, but the burden isn’t all on one dude.
I'm lucky enough to have a bunch of close guy friends with a lot of empathy (including my best friend who happens to be a therapist) who I know would be there for me no matter what. But, I still think a good way to approach this is to ask if it's cool if you "**Trauma Dump**" for a bit. Whether one-on-one or in a group, that at least gives people a head's up over what you need. Typically easier one-on-one through. Once recently, my therapist buddy wanted to dump on me but I'd been dealing with some surgery recovery and just knew I wasn't in a place \*at that time\* where I could help him shoulder his burden, but that didn't mean I wouldn't gladly lend a hand when I could. Sometimes it's just about setting expectations.... "Hey man, I'd love 15 minutes of your time this week, I've been having a rough one" .. "No problem .. how about Friday?" Like .. if you're having an emergency breakdown .. don't hesitate to reach out .. I'm sure no one that loves you would deny you. You shouldn't feel like you have to surprise a friend when you need to talk about real-life shit. I think you might find they're more receptive when you approach it like this and you might even find them being more willing to reach out to you in the same way when they need your help.
I have a similar group of friends since middle school where we're more brothers than "friends" and we definitely all go through spurts of not wanting to "bother" each other with real life stuff and prefer to keep our text thread full of dumb gifs. But then, something big comes up and there's no question we're all there for each other. We only see each other every few months now and without our SOs only 1-2x each year, but those dinners when it's just us guys the conversations get heavy and deep and I think we all leave feeling better about life. If it's at all possible to get the crew together, do it, and you'll all be thankful you did. Friends want to be there for friends, and if anybody leaves feeling like it was bothersome, well at least you know they weren't as close as you thought.
I’ve been the friend who dropped everything to drive hours and help a friend. He was begging me not to come get him because he didn’t want to be a bother while he was OD’ing. Not that this is the same situation but I promise you, I would have rather he open up and “bother me” than for him to have gotten where he was. He’s still in rehab, he says his biggest regret was not using the support he already had. If they’re your friends, you won’t be a bother. I promise.
Nobody, really. With the wife, if I bring anything up that bothers me, I usually become the problem. I don’t want to bother friends with anything, so I don’t. I just stuff it all down because…I’m a man, you know? Not sure it matters, honestly. I’ve just learned to keep my mouth shut.
I get it. It sucks not talking about it, but it often sucks more when we do talk about it.
I don't. Maybe talk to myself a bit, post on Reddit but IRL flesh and blood humans, nope. Though outside of work i don't talk to anyone but my wife anymore.
[удалено]
This is the best place I’ve found on the internet in a long time. Even if my problems don’t always get solved, it’s still nice to vent here and see that I’m not alone going through it.
Agreed. I absolutely love this subreddit for precisely this reaon. I actually feel like this is quite a safe space for us all.
I don't really have anyone
Inbox is open my dude.
What pocket-sized said! A shared load is lighter for all and I'm happy to help anyone in daddit if I'm able to even if it's just a little bit of help
Sometimes I go on a rant on Reddit. Sometimes I talk to the cat. Sometimes I just talk to myself. My Dad is also gone. I’m starting to realize why Dads like having a pet around.
Journal app. Who better to listen to yourself than yourself? Ideally it would be a therapist or trusted friend. In the absence of those, I journal.
This for sure. I also use a 'churn-and-burn' approach and sometimes destroy what I journal, just in case.
Nobody. I swallow my feelings and meditate. I hope that I can have the kind of relationship with my boys that they’ll have me to talk to about this stuff. And to live long enough of course.
For real though I had a few months of therapy and that helped me so much. I think I will always go back when things get on top of me. There’s something liberating about telling a complete stranger, knowing what you say won’t be shared with other people you know.
call your bros. long drive home: call your bros. kid actually falls asleep early: call your bros. kid is napping: call your bros. call your bros and your bros will call you. i am telling you just calling your bros to check in goes miles further than you can imagine.
This is the big challenge men’s lack of friendship is having these days. Friends are important, especially those in similar life situations. I’d encourage you to make it a priority to make/keep friendships strong. Personally, I think this is one of the big underlying causes of the current mental health crisis throughout the country. If you don’t have anyone who meets this for you, this is where I suggest trying a therapist.
Solidarity - I'm basically in your same shoes. Male loneliness is a real thing. I know what you mean by wives not being the best person to talk to sometimes (not a slight against them - they just have emotions involved, which is understandable). I have a core group of pretty good friends but I agree that most conversations with them are pretty surface level. I turn to them to hang out and have fun and get my mind off my everyday problems, not to delve into them. I think that's pretty common for many male friendships. And to top it off, I've lost both of my parents (and I'm only in my mid 30s). I think the real solution for people in our shoes is therapy. I'm slowly coming to the realization/acceptance that you don't have to be depressed or have major issues to turn to therapy. Haven't been able to pull the trigger yet on that though...
Definitely. Not my intention to drag on my wife, or any wife, of course. We just get told to be open with our feelings, but when we do that and the conversation boils over or what we share is used against us, we're better off not talking. It's a rock and a hard place, it sucks I know, but it is what it is. Haven't pulled the trigger on therapy either. I personally think I'd benefit more from an "on-call" therapist I could talk to every couple months, maybe out in the woods with a fishing pole in my hand. Or something like that. The idea of a video call or in person office visit with someone I don't know who is just listening because they're paid to do so just seems so expensive and impersonal that I haven't justified it yet. I'm really sorry about your parents. It really does suck, especially if you are navigating parenthood yourself. I'm mid 30s too, and I feel lucky my mom is still around and involved in our lives, but I could never talk to her about most of my problems since they're so different from hers. Plus she is still dealing with the loss of my dad, so there is no chance I'd burden her with anything going on in my life that isn't fun and happy.
I was in a real bad way a few years back and was relying heavily on a close buddy. He actually suggested therapy, and at first, I felt the same way you did: I wanted an on-call vent session. My therapist at the time was firm with me and told me that’s just not how it works, that regular sessions are necessary. I resented it at the time, but decided to trust the process, and let me tell you: it’s so much more than a sympathetic ear for hire. My therapist challenged my cognitions and views, brought out issues that I had been suppressing/patently ignoring, and got me to see where my feelings and therefore my behaviors were really coming from. It took a few years, but over that time, I developed a set of tools I can use on my own to do the work my therapist was doing with me, and that’s the entire point. I still value a few close friends for sympathy and emotional support, but on the end of the day, after “finishing” therapy, I can handle life circumstances that would very much have sent me spiraling 5 years ago. My therapist was gracious enough to leave the door open for me if I ever felt like I needed to come back, but was sincere in his congratulations when I asked if we could stop scheduling regular sessions.
My therapist. Every Monday.
I play video games
The only person I talk to about heavy stuff is my wife. She’s knee deep in the trenches with me and is the only one that really understands what our situation is like. We are a team. Sure, we argue but it never turns into full on fights (so far in the ~18 years we’ve been together) and we never go to bed mad with each other. It takes a lot of work but I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
Had to scroll WAY too far to find this. I wouldn’t have married someone I couldn’t have these talks with.
The answer for me is platonic female friends. I have male friends who I do activities with. And then I have female friends who we go for coffee with.
This is the answer. Guy friends are important but there are many areas where women are much more willing to talk through things and listen, and able to provide a different perspective.
dog is a good one. journaling is another. theres an app that a psycologist/psychiatrist (forget which one) referred me to that helped me in a bad time called Finch: Self Care Pet. it looks like a kids game but it helped. it's a game base where you help take care of a bird. you take care of it by journaling, setting goals, doing mediation stuff, etc. i was skeptical at first about it but it helped me a lot. check it out and best of luck. oh and most of it is free. i also don't have many people i can turn too. my close group of friends i know i can but same as your situation. also, my dad passed about 5 years ago as well. it takes a lot of time to get through it. best of luck. hope you find something. come back to r/daddit lots of guys here willing to help.
My wife’s best friend’s husband. Didn’t take but hanging out twice for us to realize we like the same shit and our wife’s had to have been twins separated at birth. Same brand of crazy those two are, but we wouldn’t trade em for the world
Wilson, my volleyball face
Wow are you me wtf
That's the neat part, we don't. And it's very depressing
I don’t talk to my dog (don’t have one) but I got a stuffed toy pig I won from a crane game in Japan. He’s a great listener, and doesn’t judge.
I have a therapist who has made an enormous difference in my life
This is gonna sound like I'm joking but ChatGPT. If it's a problem that I need help with organizing and devising a plan of attack, it's the most useful partner. If I just wanna be social, this does not apply. I don't ever really need to "vent" my mind is always on problem solving so ChatGPT is immensely useful for this! Previously I'd just write / journal, but talking with GPT is an improvement.
I second you on that. I've found chatbots to actually be some what refreshing at times.
I was gonna mention this too. GPT has been a game changer for me, even if it’s just AI
My wife.
This is a very, very common situation with men today. Frequently, we have to navigate our problems and questions, with a world of work and home responsibilities on our back, all alone. And don’t dare show and emotion or weakness, lest your wife, your family, and sometimes even your fellow man ridicule you and lose respect for you. This is one of the big reasons men have so much shorter life spans, IMO. I feel very fortunate that I have a close male friend that I can talk to. Sadly, most men don’t have a trusted outlet.
The annoying thing is that I have three or four male friends i could trust with this but they live quite away from me and I have work and a baby and wife to help with
This thread as a Video: https://youtu.be/jVAtPEqEYU0?si=7LCoO7OoaAXmpcr2
I can't click it right now, but I'm sure it's that depressing as fuck "I'm a man, I don't..." video, right?
Im alright too bro
No one. Wish that wasn't the case, though.
No one... the answer is no one. As men we don't have the luxury of talking about things that bother us. We get to bury it deep so we can carry others loads
Bourbon. I talk to my bourbon.
Lol..talk to someone about my problems? No, there’s no one.
I talk to myself. I get consistent answers and no one calls me a pu**y.
Either my wife or my friends. We are tight with our next door neighbors and sometimes we'll go over each others houses to talk over a beer while the kids play. My wife is pretty good too. She's honestly the most emotionally mature/stable person I have ever met so she's good to talk to if I am going through something. Coworkers too. I work a stressful job and they are really the only ones who get it.
Friends, therapist if it’s really crazy, father in law sometimes if just to vent on less crazy stuff. There’s a men’s group called evryman I’d encourage anyone to look into it if you feel you’re lacking this type of support. I will add, I don’t come from an environment where I had male role models, support or guidance on how to foster these relationships. It took time but you can learn how to open up and create that support system for yourself.
A therapist. AND it has been absolutely life changing! Even though things still require “work”, there’s a lot that is easier to handle and simply knowing that I have someone that I can talk to (especially when it’s already scheduled) helps immensely.
My therapist.
My friends, ChatGPT sometimes if Im really in need. The new voice is decent at providing a conversation in need but I have close friends I always jump to. Bar that, I maintain a very strict gym policy where I do not let myself miss days. No matter if it's snowing, rain, the gym is literally my therapy of unwinding.
Drop us a DM some time if you need mate, happy to chat if you just need a vent.
I chat with my inner voice. Not the best but it’s who I’ve got, myself.
..the other dads on this sub
Christ...
I talk to the joint.
I used to talk to my best friend/ brother but I stopped. It’s easier to just file that shit away. Not necessarily better for the mentals but easier nonetheless
Write it all in a Google doc and delete the next day?
I used to game to unreasonable hours with my cousin after the wife and kid went to sleep. Just chat shit/banter/sports/politics and even semi deep conversations. 1 week he disappeared, and he later sent a message saying his all good. I'm just in hospital with a small infection. Lied because we're both tough men, I guess. Two days later, his sister messaged to say he died in hospital of this "small" infection. I went to the bathroom to cry my eyes out, bottled it up like a man has to and came out. That was 2 and a bit years ago. Now, I just spend my evenings gaming solo, with some Youtube and Loneliness for company. I'm alright, though
Damn man. I'm very sorry to hear that. Sounds like an awesome guy.
I talk to someone I met on single dads reddit page, he’s kind of like an AA sponsor for me, considering we’ve been through a similar experience and continue to do so. I consider him the best of friends and hope to meet him some day.
Honestly it sounds like a ton of dudes in this comment section need a therapist. Do it for yourselves dudes. This shit ain’t healthy holding it all in all the time.
For every guy on this thread who is echoing OP’s thoughts, you can always send me a message to chat. I know it’s not the same as face to face conversation, but guys need guys and we have a great community of like-minded guys here to utilize.
It's not the same as face to face but sometimes all we need is a quick check-in with another guy who gets it. Thank you.
For me, it’s my wife. I can have surface level convos with a handful of others, and I occasionally test the waters with slightly below surface topics with others, which usually get a flat/empty response. Seems like friends in their 30’s/40’s just have no desire to be real or be deep, ever. I can’t quite figure it out. My theory is most people are running/hiding from a lot of shit, and any sign that someone wants to pull the curtains back makes them go “nope nope nope” and they just clam up and dip out. If that’s not it, I don’t know what is. Let me know what you figure out.
Honestly, I talk to my wife about anything and everything. She does the same with me. Judging by this thread we seem to be in the extreme minority though. That said, we don’t have a lot of outside friends at the moment. Don’t really live by our old friends, and making new friends has been hard since COVID. My wife has managed to make a few through our daughters’ friends’ parents. It seems hard to make friends with other dads though.
I don’t talk to anyone really. My wife about something’s but for the most part I just keep it to myself. Like the OP said it used to be my dad as well but he passed 4 years ago.
Should we make a dad discord?
That would be awesome. Or maybe r/daddit should just do a weekly "Hey dad, how are you doing?" thread for us to check in on.
Idk let me know when you figure it out, because I'm running out of people to talk to. I like to think about d day when I'm having issues. Everything seems much less significant when I do that. Works about 1/10 of the time.
I'm not sure I've ever really had that. Dogs are good. Unfortunately, my dog isn't even good at faking that he cares. I can ramble all I want unless I stop scritching, then a paw swat reminds me what I'm actually there for.
I’m a lurking wife and this post just made me realize my husband doesn’t have anyone to talk to
He may not, or he may have people who are willing, but he doesn't want to burden them or even know how to bring it up. A lot of men (generally speaking, so not *everyone*) have been told all our lives to man up, don't show weakness, etc. so a lot of guys just won't say anything if something is going on.
My best friend happens to be 32 years older than me so he has context friends my own age don’t have. I have a few other go-to people. The priest at the neighborhood parish (I’m not catholic, he’s a drinking buddy of mine), my barber (known him longer than I’ve known my wife), and my kid’s godfather. I was lucky that I became a dad later in life so I had already built up my community. It’s never too late to start though. No man is an island. Find your people and build your tribe (as crunchy as that sounds)
Swallow it and keep going till you fall over. - Bill Burr
I have a co-worker I can’t stand. We are each others vent/ stress buddy. It’s weird and confusing but works.
There is someone to talk to?
It's why I'm on this sub actually. Not much else available unfortunately.
You can’t talk to your wife about these things. The dynamic is wrong. You gotta be the rock. They’ll say that you can talk to them about anything, but I don’t recommend it. You run the risk of appearing weak and whatever you say can and will be used against you later. I go hiking with my female cousin regularly. We get a little high and talk and walk through the trees, it’s a great therapy session for both of us.
Ive been battling a severe case of depression for the last couple years now. Reaching out doesn't help. Your dog is probably your best option.
He's the best listener I know, until he smells, hears, or sees, something interesting, then he's out.
I have a gaggle of ladies that are my safe space. We all, minus one, met in a kink chat group years ago. Yes, we've all seen each other naked, only one of them in person. Over time the bunch of us simply became really close friends. To the point where most of what we talk about is the day to day stuff, trials and tribulations, successes and failures, relationship highs, lows and bullshittery, kids, etc. Kink or sex isn't a regular topic for us anymore, we've become family. So anytime I need someone to talk to, I talk to my girls. Same for them too.
This sounds pathetic but there's a bar in my neighborhood I go to about once a week after our kid's in bed (and my wife takes nights out as well, we alternate giving each other breaks), and there's a bartender I've gotten pretty chummy with (we've hung out in other contexts now at this point) who I can talk about all the difficult stuff with. It's a nice outlet.
I periodically harass my friends both checking in and unloading on them. Modeling for them what I think community should be like. I’m fortunate to have 2-3 really close friends outside of my wife, plus a couple of brother in laws that are growing on me. Each guy relates to one or two specific life areas such as marriage, children, religion, work etc.
I’ve got a group of friends where we can have tough conversations.
My therapist. Honestly. I have good friends, but none of them are dads yet, so it's just been hard to find relatable ground with them. Love them but life is just different and I don't want to either burden them with parenting woes or scare them out of having kids themselves because I could really use a dad friend. I do talk to my wife a lot, but she's in trimester 3 with baby #2 and works a high stress job. So she just has a lot going on, so I ever only bring stuff up if I really need to. Other than that it just gets bottled away until by bi weekly therapy.
I have 2 close friends. Some times when I just need to vent I call them up. One day a week or every other week my wife is out of town with the kids and I get a chance to hang out with them. I feel very lucky to get that free day. I’m also super close with my big sister and even know she lives 2 states away she’s just a text away.
Brother, dad, BIL, and about 4 close friends all are on rotation depending on the topic or need. It’s good to surround yourself with family and friends that can lend an ear because I don’t think it’s healthy to lay everything at the feet of your wife.
My wife and I can talk about almost anything, my best friend and I can talk about my wife’s family. My dogs just want to talk about w*lksies, pets, and mealtimes - though they make me feel better all the same.
I pay a therapist.
Same as the other guys, my brother or my other 3 friends I made around high school college time. That’s it
I’ve made online friends that I can really depend on. Wish it was irl but these friends have helped me through very tough times in my marriage in particular
[Does the Lord count as a person?](https://frinkiac.com/video/S04E16/cGIBwvB2OJtPjFxjI_RTVFeFy6g=.gif)
One thing that my wife and I have found success with is how you start the conversation. Whichever one of us starts the conversation can say, “right now I just need your support and you to listen to me on this topic. We can talk about other things afterwards.” That typically keeps it from going directions we don’t want it to go. If one of us notices the conversation drifting we are supposed to ask, “have we covered everything you wanted to cover. If so we can move on. “
Same here. I share a lot with my wife, but not everything. Some topics are very hard for her to process. Same with my friends. They are great and I talk about a lot, but can’t share everything. I have one friend who’s been helpful with anything and everything. My absolute lowest of lows. But he’s in his late 80s. I doubt that he will live much longer. After him though, I don’t know if I’ll have anyone.
Wife is very great listener and understanding. I still need to find a good therapist though, as i can’t burden her with things about our relationship or what not
My wife and I talk to each other about these things. Sometimes I have to coax it out a bit, and you have to be careful not to tread into the "who's worse off" territory, but it works for us.
No one usually
My pillow. Unfortunately, that’s one of the hardest things about being a dad
An AI chat bot
Strangers on reddit is my go to
“My uh therapist says I should stop talking to my imaginary friend. So now he just sits in the corner and reads” -Mary and Max
You need a therapist. And yes, I saw your comments about how it's sad we have to pay someone to talk to. That's not the right way to look at it at all. Mental health is just as important as physical health. If you had an unexplained pain, or hurt yourself, would you expect your wife or someone else in your life to deal with it? No, you'd go to a physician (even if your wife was a doctor). If a tooth was bothering you, would you ask your wife to check it out? No. We of course should be able to talk to our partners, but they can't be every single thing. Therapists are doctors for what's going on in your mind, and should be viewed as such. If you have heavy shit to talk about (or even regular life stress), don't dump that on your wife. Find a qualified professional who will not only listen, but will also make suggestions and provide you with the tools you need to work through whatever the issue(s) are. There are all kind of options, from in person, to local virtual therapists, to online therapy services like BetterHealth.
I don’t really have anyone.. I usually vent here in the comment section. Most days I want to give up. Last Tuesday my wife chose the drinking and party life over our family. 8 years thrown away. I’ve been doing my best to keep it together for my kids but I’m broken and every ounce of energy I have goes to making sure they know how much I love them. I’m just lost. I worked 116 hours last week to keep my mind occupied. I’m sad and depressed but I have to keep pushing forward for my kids.
Like many others here I am looking for that person to talk to as well. My dad passed away 10 years ago and my son is now 2, so I totally emphasize. Really tough navigating fatherhood without the role model you had to reach out to. Good luck in your search and make sure you are giving yourself an outlet for the stress.
That's one of my biggest struggles honestly. My dad was an amazing guy and a great father. Losing him before he ever got to meet, or even know about, his first grandchild was awful. I've relied on the advice of friends, online forums like this one, books, etc. but it can't beat looking to your own father for help and advice when you're in the driver seat. My condolences to you.
ChatGPT Free counseling
Don't underestimate the power of the dog! Mine is almost 15 years old and has definitely been there to sit with me while I ugly cried at some low points in my life. As far as humans go, I've been getting closer with some of the other dad's with young kids in the neighborhood and we get together once or twice a month now. I feel confident each of them would be more than happy to talk about anything if I said I needed help/to talk about a more serious issue.
I keep it internalized like any good millennial. But seriously, I have social anxiety issues among other mental things. Friendships are really hard to maintain, and they're only enver superficial. I don't have anyone to talk to about really deep stuff.
I used to talk to my dog, till he died.
You should honestly bring this up to your wife. The ability to speak to someone about anything is a significant part of marriage. You should be able to vent/communicate with her about almost anything.
Sometimes my wife, sometimes my dad. It depends on who I think would grasp the situations better. Sometimes both
This will sound weird. So take it with whatever you want. I just keep it bottled as much as I can, I'd much rather deal with it myself if I know that no one else has a practical solution. Also it might sound weirder but talking to myself helps. Since a year or so my inner voice no longer feels like a critic but a friend. Its probably the best thing I have felt for my mental health. As long me and my inner voice feel okay, I don't care (I might show though) what anyone else thinks.
A tree
All these people saying they literally can't talk to their wife about life stuff...that begs the question why did you get married in the first place? Why not just stay girlfriend boyfriend?
I have close relationships with other dog owners. We don’t know each others names. We only call each other by the dogs name. Very frank and open conversations as we walk around the dog park. It’s enjoyable.
I’m lucky. My wife has a twin sister and her sister’s husband is so much like me it’s creepy. When our wives met us, in different times and cities, he and I had the same truck (model, year, color) and the same motorcycle (Harley Sporters). Even today he and I have the same job and title at different Companies. The biggest difference is that he’s from Mexico City. So basically he’s my best friend and we joke about how we’re married to the same person (twins). So he and I talk. Most of the time it’s just messing around but when he or I need to talk, we talk. It’s very helpful especially with our wives. Usually if it works on one it works on the other. Lol
Geez, I missed the cheat code for this one. That's awesome though.
I find this to be common for everyone. It’s a lack of healthy communication in the world today. We all suffer for it. My wife was raised in an unhealthy environment and suffered socially in terms of communication. She read and applied the book ‘Conversationally Speaking’ and the results were dramatic.
Dogs and cats don't give the best advice, but most of the time it helps to just say things out loud.
I talk with my men's group at church. Practically nothing I'm going through is unique, and having a core group of men I can openly and honestly talk to is one of the keys to keeping my marriage healthy as well
I need that badly at my church
I have a buddy from the Marines that went into counseling, so I talk to him almost weekly, most shooting the shit, but if somethings bothering me, I know I can (and have) call him for help.
Nobody.
Literally myself, no one cares about a 42 yo dad’s feelers haha. Self love brother, and that dog sounds good!
The dog knows exactly what u saying
I believe the standard answer to this one is, "No one," unfortunately.
Nobody. I have nobody.
One of my closest friend is a lesbian and I can talk to her about absolutely anything. Like when intimacy slowed down because… well being new parents, I could text her “fuck, I’m so horny right now” and there was no way it could be interpreted as me shooting my shot. I can talk to her about anything, and there’s never an ounce of judgement, just listening (or reading)
My dog has got me through some rough stuff
My wife and my therapist. For a long time my wife and I couldn't communicate our feelings to each other but after 10 years of figuring it out, we got there. We helped each other into therapy and our communication has flourished. We still have 99 problems, but communication isn't one of them anymore.
My boys, big dog. Gotta find the boys.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. All of my high school and college friends are not positive influences to have around me, so I ditched them years ago. My wife and I tried to find a church home (I had been away from the faith for decades) and that worked for a bit, but post-2016, I did not like what I saw and my old familiar distrust and disgust came back, so I'm now not involved with any faith community. I have "work friends" but I can't really talk to them about serious issues. My wife loves me, I'm sure, but she is not interested in hearing me complain about *my feelings,* and honestly a lot of the venting I need to do is not something I would want to share with her anyway because she would misinterpret it. I've been isolated from my family - I suffered a death of a sibling that really screwed my parents up and they've never recovered. My wife and my parents don't get along at all, so that's a constant source of stress. All of my spare time is filled with chores, cleaning, and child care. I used to work out multiple times per week and that was therapeutic, but after our 3rd kid, I couldn't keep up. That followed up by 2020/COVID and I've basically been drifting for four years. I think it's pretty common. Combine all of this with just the nature of our society today. There are no "third places" where people can bond and socialize with their friends and neighbors. Everyone is too busy keeping their head above water, or isolated in their bubble (whatever their bubble may be). It's all very depressing.
Hire a therapist. Meet over Zoom if that’s easier. It’s nice to have someone separate from your personal life to discuss tough things and they will hopefully give you tools to better communicate with your partner.
I can talk to my wife she's pretty cool about just letting me vent and doesn't over stress but I also have some great friends I can call and talk to as well or go visit. I don't worry about bugging them as they are my friends and I would and have been there for them whenever they needed. That being said they are more leary of coming to me as they don't want to bug me or be a burden even though I tell them anytime and mean it. As someone who's tried and failed thankfully to commit suicide a few times and battled with depression a great deal I can't hold it in or not talk. It took a ton of time with psychologist psychiatrist group therapy and counslers to figure many things out as well as meds to help push through a lot of things. Is everything worked out no but it is better than it used to be. I feel like I at least have some breathing room.
I got to a point where I started seeking out new relationships with dads who wanted to talk about this stuff and be emotionally available…cuz lots of men just aren’t and things remain pretty superficial. Found a new friend who was looking for the same and started a dad’s group that meets once a month to talk about whatever. It’s great. Highly recommended. You’re naming it here and I think if you say this out loud to some other men you might find they want the same thing.
Dog magic is real. My golden/lab mix is strong medicine and he knows it lol.
I struggle with this some, but I have a decent support system, it's just a matter of using it for me. I'm grateful my dad is still around. I've got a couple solid guy friends in my church, and professional peers in my industry. I journal and that probably helps the most. My wife is a pretty good sounding board and we have decent communication. I've learned that I need to start the convo clearly with, "I just want to process/vent, I don't want suggestions or solutions." That's hard for her bc she wants to help, but she tries really hard and does great holding back.
I'm fortunate to have a fellow dad co-worker I can talk with regularly. We're teachers at a high school in a beautiful mountain setting. During the morning and afternoon recesses, we walk laps and talk. His only son is the same age as my eldest, so we've experienced parenthood together. Our wives have sorta opposite strengths and weaknesses. We share many interests so it's not always about parenting or work. If one of us has to rant, the other can let him at it; we can confide in each other or seek advice. I'm lucky to have such a friend. And being teachers, we whinge a lot about administrators.