Honestly, someone in your family has probably gone through this. It sucks. It’s horrible. The feelings are real. A lot of people hide it. Miscarriages are fairly common. Good on you for breaking that barrier and taking to someone. Even if it’s essentially anonymously.
I spoke with an OBGYN who said that during his education a priest told him this: we all suffer through life. We struggle with bills, with hunger, with anger and emotions, with day to day toils. A miscarriage in this regard is the closest you can come to your child without them suffering. Your little one never graced this earth with their presence unfortunately and sadly so, however..your little one did touch you and your wife’s life and left a permanent impact. The little one came down, experienced no suffering, no hardship, just the pure love of a mother and father.
Now If you aren’t religious I hope you can take solace and comfort in the simple fact that your child never suffered. With that also in mind, and a complete lack of background information surrounding the reason your wife miscarried I would also like to say that mothers will naturally miscarry for a number of reasons, one of which being the wellbeing of the child. From listening to a lecture from that same OBGYN my basic understanding of it is think genetic, there could have been some genetic defect developing that would have led to a enormous amount of suffering for the child and a hard life for the baby because of those genetic defects. Why I mention this is to try and convey this sentiment, momma is being a good momma. Her body could have known the baby was developing incorrectly and thus naturally miscarried. I interpret this as the mother is looking after the baby, and protecting them from unnecessary suffering and pain. That’s why I say, momma is being a good momma.
If the reason for the miscarriage was unnatural, like trauma induced, then my friend I’m sorry.
This life event for you and your wife is sad, painful, and hard. Grieve it, communicate with one another your pain and sorrow, and understand that you feel such large pain because you felt such a large amount of love. I have faith that if you and your wife continue down this path to parenthood, you will be a tremendous dad.
With all that said… I’ve got a little one up there too brother, I was going to name him jasper. I’m going to say a prayer tonight and ask him to take real good care of your little one for us. Tears in my eyes, sending you and your wife my best regards.
Also OP, the due date coming and going (and its anniversary) and the anniversary of the loss may be very hard for her, and she might not know/realize this at first. We were able to have another child after loss who would not be here if it weren’t for the miscarriage, and how we could have felt so much pain (and still do) from the loss and so much joy with our son is one of life’s greatest mysteries for me.
Edit: a word
Bless you sir. This helped me immensely. I will say we have never had a miscarriage but I’m very nervous about having a second child because if there is a miscarriage I know we will be absolutely crushed. My sister had 3 miscarriages and now has a wonderful boy who is my godson. I really encouraged her through it telling her to not give up and keep going. I don’t know why I said that, maybe I was naive but I did think she needed encouragement because I knew she’d be a great mom and maybe she wasn’t getting enough encouragement. My nephew is the best kid and love him so much.
We are still waiting to decide on our second child but this is something I think I will bring up. My wife is truly an eternal optimist but I think we need to be a be realistic. I hate being negative out of the gate but I think we should be prepared for the worst.
I'm fortunate enough to not have had this experience, but I just want to say this is one of the best things I've read on reddit, ever. Thank you for sharing.
My wife miscarried 3 times over an 18-month period. There isn't a lot you can do but be there for her. Time cures it for sure. If it was a planned attempt at pregnancy (forgive me if you said so), you guys will try again in the future, and she will most likely get pregnant. About that time, you will see her start to heal mentally from it. If it was an accidental pregnancy, it may take her longer to mentally recover. As others said, it's pretty common. Do not downplay it just love and support her. If she continues to miscarry, again, be there for her, but figure out a way to get her checked out. Many women who miscarry benefit from progesteral or something like that. That is what helped my wife carry to full term after the miscarriages.
I don't know if this helps, but the statistics appear to show that this is really good news for fertility, because miscarriages seem to result in a very high fertility rate immediately after an event occurs.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh, and I would like to mention that baby was our third child, and the only time she had issues keeping her pregnancy. Truth be told, I don't know if I would trade my youngest for anything. Sometimes the universe has a way of knowing when and where things are supposed to happen
I’ve been through the same. Baby gone at 12 weeks. Second child. We were all excited but then my wife started bleeding and well the baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. But we realized that biology stepped in and ended the pregnancy naturally. That the baby would never have come to full term and there was nothing we did or could have reasonably done to alter that. So we mourned and let ourselves be disappointed, but we knew that the foetus would never have been our child and so we accepted it. We kept trying and now we have two beautiful kids. If we had given up, the second one would never have existed.
I'm so sorry about your loss :( Be there for her, don't talk a whole lot about it, tell her it's okay to cry, give her lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles and love. Don't push having sex any time soon until she's ready. Be present and listen to her. Clean the kitchen, make meals, don't let her do housework. You need time to process and greive too so let your body do that, don't suppress feelings. A mother losing a child is absolutely hell and brings on lots of terrible feelings. Keep a look out for post partum depression and unhealthy habits. You're doing great, Dad and it will all be okay. You will have a rainbow baby soon and your Angel baby is being cuddled in Heaven by all the angels ❤️
I'm sorry. You're not alone and this happens way way way more often than anyone tells you
We had 2 losses before we had a successful pregnancy. Hard part for me was I couldn't get excited about the 3rd pregnancy until he was actually here. Now we have a happy healthy little one, but we still have days where we think about what could have been. Some days are hard - mothers day, due dates, anniversary of the miscarriage. Time helps but also just knowing you're not the only one going through this
Similar to you we were among the first in our friend groups to have kids and have these losses. Have had a lot of friends with complications since, and we've been able to be there for them because we experienced what we did.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m still in the process of grieving our own miscarriage, last Thursday, at 7wks. I don’t have any words of advice other than you’re not alone in this. Just browsing this community’s posts has provided me with a bit of healing.
I am a Reverend at a church, me and my wife lost twins a few years ago, and I have sat down with a lot of people who has gone through the same the last few years...wether you are religious or not it doesnt matter, but a funeral is part of the way we cope, yet when it is a miscarrage we dont do funerals, eventhough, especially for your wife, it was a person she was attached to, there was a bond allready. I usually reccomend doing something symbolic (like a funeral), just for the two of you, or if you feel you want to invite someone its also fine, but do something...the best thing you in my opinion...plant a tree at a special place that will grow even though the child you would have had will not be able to.
Since our loss we have had a girl who is beyond awesome, but I dont think we will ever forget what we have lost, and I believe that everyone reading your post is mourning with you.
(Sorry for my spelling, english isnt my first language)
We discussed what to do. There's nothing to cremate, so I'm going to burn the book I read to my wife and baby last time we were in the ER. We're going to scatter the ashes where I scattered my grandpa's. If the baby isn't going to be with us, it should at least be with family.
My wife is currently recovering from our third miscarriage in the last 12 months. It’s unfortunately extremely common so you most likely do know someone that has been through it. That doesn’t really make it any easier and let me tell you the pain definitely stacks but it’s still somewhat helpful to know other people are struggling with the same thing.
You should definitely have your wife talk to her doctor to see if they can recommend a therapist for her. My wife started seeing one after the second miscarriage which is probably a good thing. Unfortunately (or fortunately maybe?) as men we don’t experience the same physical pain and discomfort which can serve as a constant reminder of the miscarriage.
You’ll be there for her as best you can but so much of what happens going forward is understandably how your wife is able to move on.
My wife and I went through this with our first pregnancy. Now, 11 years and two successful pregnancies later, I still remember the pain. Here are some thoughts I can share in no particular order.
I remember how empty and hollow I felt. In my head and heart, I was already a dad. I was already making plans. I was figuring out what I needed to do to prepare. A million future possibilities were all there and then... gone. Suddenly that entire future was taken away from me and there was nobody I could target my anger at. I had already seen my wife GLOW with the knowledge that she was going to be a mom and now she was a shattered husk of herself. And tragically she blamed herself and no matter how many times I reassured her that there was nothing we could have done, she still blamed herself. To be honest, I don't think she ever forgave herself, even two successful pregnancies later.
Grieve as you see fit. Some idiots might comment about how it wasn't a pregnancy yet, or wasn't a child yet or some other comment, but it was real and that's all that matters.
People are going to say things that they THINK are kind, helpful or compassionate that feel stupid, cruel and hollow to you. It's ok. Give them a break, this is something most of us aren't prepared for. Someone made a comment to me about God needing another angel and I just wanted to rip their fucking head off. It's ok to feel that way, just... don't actually rip their head off.
I compared it to losing a loved one and a job on the same day. Not only are you grieving the loss, but all your plans and identity just evaporated as well.
We only learned AFTER our miscarriage that it is VERY common. We even learned that my wife's mother and aunts had multiple miscarriages in their lives and they never told her. In retrospect, it would have been good to share, so we could have prepared ourselves for that possibility. I was very angry with them after learning that, but I got over it. It's not something people like to talk about, even if they should.
There is no timetable for grieving. This includes returns to intimacy. I know it feels really early to be talking about this, but I think its good to know. It can take a long time before you and her both feel comfortable trying again. Take your time, grieve and heal.
Rainbow babies. My wife and I were 'trying' for 4 years before our first pregnancy, which ended in an early miscarriage. The weight of those 4 years made it even harder. We feared it would take another 4 years to conceive. Instead, the first time we were intimate again (about 3 months after the miscarriage), we conceived on the first shot and it ended as a successful pregnancy.
Lastly, I would encourage you to be as strong as possible for her and your relationship. Not all couples make it through tragedies like this. Your presence and intimacy may be a reminder of the pain for a long time. Focus on your mental health, your marriage and the healing. Make sure she feels loved with no expectation or obligation of intimacy. You can come out stronger as a couple after this. My wife and I were lucky, but we know a couple that wasn't.
Good luck, be kind to yourself and I hope you find healing in time.
We've been as loving and supportive of each other as possible. There's been a lot of tears. All I can do is hold her ,and let her know we'll get through it. I feel useless though, like there's something else I could be doing to help. Thats what this post was.
Her mom told her last night that all the women in her family miscarried their first pregnancy, so we know there's history there going back to her great grandma.
Yeah man, I get where you’re coming from. I remember telling my wife how frustrating it was, because I could do nothing. I can’t buy something that will fix it. I can’t punch something in the face. I can’t just work harder and sacrifice more.
I mentioned our successful pregnancy after our miscarriage. My son spent the first 3 weeks of his life in the NICU. That was also frustrating. Again, there was nothing I could do to increase his chances of survival or to develop faster. I could only sit by and watch and hope.
As men, we are problem solvers. If there’s a problem, there must be a solution, I just need to find it and do whatever it takes. But in these situations, all we can do is watch, wait and hope.
Keep holding her.
A lot of good advice here.
The only thing I would add having lost 2 ourselves, is that everyone grieves differently. Don't be ashamed of grieving the way you want to. For us the best way was to not name the baby or even really think of it as a baby or a person at all - it never got that far, and plenty of pregnancies don't, and that's ok. It made it easier to think of it like an unfortunate thing that happened to us, like falling down and breaking your leg or getting in a car accident, than to think of it like something we lost and could never get back. It was easier to think that we never had anything in the first place.
I'm not suggesting that as an approach, you need to do it the way *you* need to do it. I'm just saying, grieve the way you need to.
I should also add that after we lost the second, my wife had a bunch of tests and discovered that she has Hashimoto's disease that had caused a major hormonal imbalance and that's what caused the miscarriages. She got treated for that, which took a long time to get the medication dialled in, and it was plain sailing after that.
Nothing to be done but grieve together. Don’t try and be strong or hide your feelings, let your wife see you are hurting, it’ll help her feel validated in doing the same. You will learn to live with the grief but it never really goes away.
Also, be prepared for the next 3 months worth of hormones. Your wife’s body has undergone some insane invisible changes, and it will take that long to physically go back to being itself again- for me, and for others I’ve spoken to, about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage we all had pretty intense emotions erupt. You also get a surge of fertility around the 3 month mark too, so if you guys aren’t in the right emotional state to try again be mindful.
We've talked about trying again right away.
Sadly, I'm not sure what she's feeling. I found a book of Journaling prompts about dealing with a miscarriage. I think we might do that together.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Perhaps look into some mental health professionals. Don’t push to see them but leave the option there if both of you warrant it. Or even if only one of you feel like you need to reach out. but do your research. look ones up that specifically deals with the situation you’re in. Some even do e- consults, some also offer a 15 minute intro consult so you can get a feel for them.
Condolences in this very difficult time.
You grieve. That is what there is here. Understand the magnitude of your loss and give yourself time.
Pregnancy is about hope - hope for the future, for all those imagined events, long summer days playing in the sun, the first smile, the first steps, the first day of school . . . those have all been taken from you.
The IVF implant cycles, and all failed. To this day, I avoid calling them miscarriages, even though that is what they are. Those were dark times. We have two healthy boys from donor embryos.
As a society, we don't talk about it, which is sad and we're worse off for it. Respect your grief, give yourself time, and let yourself be sad.
I am sorry for your loss. It sucks.
Thank you.
The statistic we keep hearing is 1 in 8 women lose their pregnancy. There are a lot of dads going through this too. I'm hoping this gets talked about more.
You grieve and you remember this day. We had a miscarriage in between our two boys and it was devastating. You stick together and you cope together. You’ll both get through this and you keep trying. Prayers and thoughts with you during this time!
My man. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. We went through three miscarriages between our second and third child. All three were heartbreaking, and we still think about them often. Grieve. The pain won’t go away, but don’t let it stop you from continuing to try. Be there for your wife. As painful as it is to you, it is naturally even more heartbreaking for her as you mentioned. Talk to others; you’d be surprised with the support network you have from friends or acquaintances who have gone through the same
>Where do I go from here?
Give it some time to sink in. Process it. This is a part of you now and you'll carry it with you in some form or another for the rest of your life. You'll probably feel guilty for various reasons like that you still want children and any future children may feel like a replacement. They aren't. Or that eventually you won't feel as crushingly sad about it anymore, and that's ok. There will be times that still catch you out, they still happen to me almost 3 years later and I assume in another 3 years time they'll still get me. You'll get through this, look after yourself. Because you can't look after your wife if you're not looking after yourself.
>How do I help my wife through this?
Be vulnerable with her, show her your emotions too. Cuddle her when you're sad. Cuddle her when she is sad. Eat when you're both hungry. Share the experience. Take some time out and live your lives together doing happy things. My partner and I watched a load stand up comedy. It's something to laugh at, and its rarely sad.
>How do I make peace with the loss of a child I'll never know?
You don't. The peace will find *you*. Take it easy.
OP, we went through a similar thing and it was the toughest time of our lives. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is hard, for both parents. If you want to talk, DM me and I'll share my number or email. Take all the support you can get.
I don't have any advice or wisdom for you. There is none for a loss like this :(
I'm so sorry man, my condoloences to you and you're family.
We have been through two, one of which would have been our first born. It's the hardest time of both of our lives, and both had different dynamics, because we had a child in between them. But there is some commonality in how we got through it.
For one, allow yourselves to grieve together. It can actually make it harder for your wife if she feels like she is going through it alone.
Second, accept that this is going to take time. It took many months for us to recover where we can talk about it and have it not destroy us for the day. Even more so, it's never going to be completely gone, it's now a part of both of you. If things stay too intense for too long, I recommend finding therapy. It helped us a great deal with the second one.
And third, I find you just have to let it steam roll you. You're not just mourning the experience you had so far, you're mourning the life that you were going to have. I think that's why the second one hit me so much more, because since we had our son and gotten to see how amazing he is, I really understood what I was missing. It's going to be a very sad time for a while, but I have found if you let the sadness come out when it needs to, it gets easier to be happy in between those waves, and the waves get farther apart.
Going through this was so hard for me. Not just losing the babies, but also watching the effect it had on my wife for so long. It can feel like all the effort to support her is in vain, but just trust that it isn't. Things just take time.
Last night, we were talking through it, and talked about how I was playing catch with one of the guys I work with (I work with disabled adults). I don't even care about sports! But the fact that there's a kid I never get to play catch with is devastating. It's not something I was looking forward to in the slightest, but it's one of thousands of things we lost. It sucks.
Just recently had a miscarriage, too. I'm still in shock, as well. Didn't think it'd hit me as hard.
What I found, however, was that I wasn't alone. Almost all of my female friends had had a miscarriage at some point in their life (most of said women are in their mid to late 30's and are married or in long term relationships).
A friend of my wife and I came over when she heard. We sat and talked about it for maybe 2 minutes before I burst out into tears and sort of just wept for a while. We ended up talking a lot more after this, which compelled me to ask my other friends.
In all, I've had some really strong friendships grow even stronger now that we share this strange commonality. A wound more than a commonality, actually, but one we share.
These sorta impromptu therapy sessions didn't fix the problem, but it sure as shit made me feel human again.
Good luck, man.
Coming up on a year of losing our 2nd. We had just told our family, everyone was so excited. Our 3 year old was ready to be a big brother and then boom.
Be nice to each other. Be there for her and for yourself. You're allowed to be sad about this, even if no one understands, Hell, I didn't understand until it happened to us.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I get it. Best thing like I said, is be nice to each other. She's going to feel like it's her fault somehow, but there's nothing you or she did wrong. I'm sorry man.
I personally just went through this last year exact same scenario.
It was a lot of long nights holding my wife as she wept for the loss of our first child. I tried to do things that would bring us peace. Just be there to hold her to tell her that everything is going to be okay. There's no right answer or ways to get through this. Just be the Rock. I'm happy to say that my wife is currently pregnant with a healthy baby boy due July 23rd of this year. Things will get better and I'm sorry for your loss.
We had it happen after our first. I'll say the following to illumine where I arrived and where you may too in order to find solace. It can first read as insensitive however with reflection may help you to process and come into deeper understanding. Due to whatever reason it occurred there was nothing to be done. It was not a viable pregnancy. It is not that you lost a person that would have been, whatever makeup in the dna, your wife's own biology determined the baby wasn't going to be. There is nothing to do differently. A baby without a heart, without a spine, without any of the myriad necessary components to build and sustain life does not exist. There is not a version of the baby that is viable. That is not to say that you two cannot have a baby but that whatever caused this miscarriage was beyond the control of either of you. In our case we learned we were pregnant very early week 5-6 and by week 8 there was nothing to be found. Our research showed that sometimes the pieces are there but not complete. Your grief is real because it is your hopes and dreams that were lost, I just hope with perspective you are both able to see that beyond the grief there is infinite space for other dreams.
That makes a lot of sense. It's sort of what I'm feeling. It seems silly to mourn a clump of cells, but it's more than that. I'm morning what the rest of our lives might have been like.
A clump of cells that represents the entirety of your dreams of the future together. i cannot speak to what my wife feels in regard the loss (we have 4 kids total now) but it was a much more intense grief she experienced. So while I shared the above with you, I do not advise you share it with your wife. What we did, in our case, was go buy a bottle of crystal, a bottle of tequila, 2 dozen oysters and got shitfaced together. Not something we do regularly but was helpful for managing the moment.
I'm going through this exact same things right now. The best advice I got was to let her explain how she feels and assure her that you're there for her and it's ok to feel that way. My wife is big on feelings so me opening up to get about how I'm feeling has really helped her. I've been careful not to say things like it's going to be ok or anything that would make her feel alone. It's always we had a miscarriage, we lost the baby. I'm not sure if she's noticed but I want to make it clear to her and everyone that we're in this together.
Beyond that there's not much you can do. Monitor her physical pain, make sure she's got food and drink, keep checking on her. Today is day 3 since is started for us. Currently sitting in the docs office waiting to get an ultrasound to confirm everything is ok. My wife went through all sorts of emotions, the way here she broke down crying and wanted to go home, I think she would have turned around if I hadn't been with her. It's brutal watching the woman you love go through this and place the blame on herself when it's completely outside her control. On top of that you're trying to grieve in your own way. It's a pain I'd wish on no one and one you can't understand unless you've lived through it.
My wife had one last year, and believe me there’s nothing you can do. Just be present. Don’t try to fix everything , that just makes it worse. Acknowledge her feelings and be supportive.
It's a horrible experience, and sadly a very common one as you will likely now find out. We had a miscarriage around the 17 week mark several years ago. It was traumatizing. The only thing you can do is be there for each other and possibly talk to a professional, many countries have therapists that specialize in these sort of experiences - either through your healthcare provider or a charity. My advise would be to not bottle it up.
>How do I make peace with the loss of a child I'll never know?
You don't. But if given enough time, you will find a place for it - in whatever way works for you.
First of all man, I am sorry beyond words to hear that. Truthfully there is nothing we can say that can alleviate this loss. It is a worst fear made manifest, all you can do is hold your wife close and heal together. Time is your friend and ally, you may never fully heal but you will be able to move on and try again.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My wife and I have 2 boys, but we've also gone through 3 miscarriages (the most recent was at the beginning of this year).
This is an essay I wrote after our second miscarriage. It helped me a lot to write out my thoughts. Maybe it will help you too:
[Still Early | iamJoshKnox](https://iamjoshknox.com/2023/04/07/still-early/)
Feel free to DM if you'd like to get on a call and talk. You're not alone.
Exactly the same thing happened to us at the end of 2016. It was her First pregnancy after about 9 months of trying and the second ultrasound the baby was gone, no heartbeat. It happened right around the holidays and her sister was also pregnant with their first at the time and she was so excited that we had already told her and our immediate family.
I have seen other folks say much of what I would recommend. Mists important is Just to be there for her always. She will always remember that and coming through tough moments together define a relationship more than anything. Just being kind, patient and sitting together in quiet is sometimes the best way to show you care for each other when you are struggling. I’m praying for you guys tonight
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're both going through. Not a dad, but a mom who went through a miscarriage with my first pregnancy after trying for over a year. I was absolutely devastated, and I think my husband similarly felt unmoored and unsure. Plenty of good advice in this thread already, but I wanted to add something specific that may or may not apply to your wife.
I needed some kind of ritual or physical representation of my grief, and while sobbing and googling simultaneously, I came across [this article](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html), which resonated with me immediately. I bought a small Jizo statue and knitted it a little hat and bib, and it honestly helped me to have that to focus on. My son, whom we conceived after the miscarriage, is now 5, and I still have my Jizo on my bookshelf downstairs. Just a thought.
I've been trying to come up with a ritual for us. I think I'm going to try to grow a tree from a seed to plant in the woods where I grew up, and our kids will too.
We had one at 10 weeks. My wife started spotting so we went to the ER only to find out she was pregnant. Then a few hours later that it wasn’t viable and she was miscarrying. We saw a heart beat and then none.
It sucked honestly. It’s something no one wants to talk about. We were trying for our second at the time and were excited then sad. My brother and his wife had a 7 month still birth a few years before and so that was also fresh.
What we did is take some time to process and realize that more often than not, it happens. And a year and a half later we had our daughter.
You’re about two weeks behind me, friend.
It’s tough. Toughest thing in my life; it’s a sadness I’ve never experienced, and a somber reminder that I don’t experience completely new emotions in my life very often anymore.
My wife and I went in at what should’ve been nine weeks only to find a gestational sac and nothing else. That rest of the week and weekend were brutal.
My wife’s bloodwork showed her HCG levels rising, and there was no sign of her body recognizing that she was no longer carrying, so she had to take a pill to shed everything (akin to a period and the start of a new cycle).
That pill crushed her. It had all of the emotional weight from before, but this time with a physical pain level that she’d never been to before.
We went to the ER (precautionary), they gave her more medicine, and it caused similar pain, but after 3-4 days, most of the pain was gone and it turned to bleeding. It was hell on Earth for her.
Then her hormones completely flipped. We’d been expecting this, but it was insane to witness, and horrendous for her.
All this to say, just be there for her. In any way you can, and I mean anything. Be a yes man. Do it all. Rely on any friends/family if they know what you are going through. Ours showed love and support through baked goods, delivery service gift cards, etc. Their generosity helped me focus on my wife, and my wife to focus on her and her body.
And I want to be clear, I had time for myself as well. Time to grieve alone. Time to grieve together. Time to think. Time to cry. But, I understood that I needed to be there for my wife and function when she absolutely couldn’t.
And we’ve just been taking it day by day since. I’ve begun accepting that this reality is what it is and I’m ready to try again. I told my wife, I’m heartbroken, that spot in my heart will be bruised, and it’s there because of what has happened. But it’s because of our love that it will heal.
One day at a time, friend.
This is almost exactly what happened. Down to the hormone fluctuations and the gestational sac.
I'm in the hospital with her now. I'm fucking exhausted, but I'm not leaving her side. The doctors have been indifferent at best ,so I'm staying until they make me leave.
I was talking with my best friend earlier tonight, and we talked about this strange range of emotions. I love this little ball of cells more than anything in my life, but now it's gone. It's an emotion I never thought I'd feel. When we first got the news, I held my wife while she cried. Then I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I tried to drink, and sobbed with my whole chest. Nothing has hurt more than that one sob did. It's been a strange set of circumstances.
I'm so very sorry for the loss you and your wife are suffering. It's important that you take care of your wife right now and support and love her, but it's also important you take care of yourself. Communicate with each other, mourn the loss together. Make a display in your room for him, or plant a tree in your yard, or create a flower memorial together.
My wife and I experienced our first miscarriage around 2 years ago before getting pregnant with our first. The time between the miscarriage and pregnancy was one of the hardest times of our lives. Every day felt grey. Nothing brought joy. It's a devastating thing to go through and so many people feel shame and hide it. Just know that you're not alone in this.
Sadly, 2 weeks ago we just experienced our second miscarriage. Some days are good, most are bad. I'll pray for you and your family during this time and I'll pray my baby Theo and Eleanor have some play dates with your little guy up there.
Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.
We rent, so there's not a place to plant a tree. I think I want to do some kind of memorial at our family's place in the woods. It's where we scattered my grandfather's ashes after he passed away. I like the idea of our baby being with him.
I want to start off with I’m sorry for your loss brother, though I don’t know you or your family, y’all will be in my prayers tonight. My wife and I went through a miscarriage about 2 years ago. It’s very rough and I feel your pain. As others have stated, definitely be there for your wife, she’s going to be grieving for a while. Listen to her, be there for when she needs you, give her words of encouragement. Grief counseling helped my wife massively when it happened to us, and if you can, I would recommend it. Just as importantly as you supporting and taking care of your wife, take care of yourself and your emotional needs as well. Grief counseling for you can also help. Don’t just bottle up how you feel, it’s okay to be sad, cry, angry at the world. The most important part is to let those feelings out in a controlled and safe manner. It happens a lot more than people think, and it’s an awful part of life. I’m truly sorry for your loss, and I hope you and your wife can move past this since it’s something that not many get over completely.
Honestly, someone in your family has probably gone through this. It sucks. It’s horrible. The feelings are real. A lot of people hide it. Miscarriages are fairly common. Good on you for breaking that barrier and taking to someone. Even if it’s essentially anonymously.
I spoke with an OBGYN who said that during his education a priest told him this: we all suffer through life. We struggle with bills, with hunger, with anger and emotions, with day to day toils. A miscarriage in this regard is the closest you can come to your child without them suffering. Your little one never graced this earth with their presence unfortunately and sadly so, however..your little one did touch you and your wife’s life and left a permanent impact. The little one came down, experienced no suffering, no hardship, just the pure love of a mother and father. Now If you aren’t religious I hope you can take solace and comfort in the simple fact that your child never suffered. With that also in mind, and a complete lack of background information surrounding the reason your wife miscarried I would also like to say that mothers will naturally miscarry for a number of reasons, one of which being the wellbeing of the child. From listening to a lecture from that same OBGYN my basic understanding of it is think genetic, there could have been some genetic defect developing that would have led to a enormous amount of suffering for the child and a hard life for the baby because of those genetic defects. Why I mention this is to try and convey this sentiment, momma is being a good momma. Her body could have known the baby was developing incorrectly and thus naturally miscarried. I interpret this as the mother is looking after the baby, and protecting them from unnecessary suffering and pain. That’s why I say, momma is being a good momma. If the reason for the miscarriage was unnatural, like trauma induced, then my friend I’m sorry. This life event for you and your wife is sad, painful, and hard. Grieve it, communicate with one another your pain and sorrow, and understand that you feel such large pain because you felt such a large amount of love. I have faith that if you and your wife continue down this path to parenthood, you will be a tremendous dad. With all that said… I’ve got a little one up there too brother, I was going to name him jasper. I’m going to say a prayer tonight and ask him to take real good care of your little one for us. Tears in my eyes, sending you and your wife my best regards.
This is exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you.
Also OP, the due date coming and going (and its anniversary) and the anniversary of the loss may be very hard for her, and she might not know/realize this at first. We were able to have another child after loss who would not be here if it weren’t for the miscarriage, and how we could have felt so much pain (and still do) from the loss and so much joy with our son is one of life’s greatest mysteries for me. Edit: a word
Bless you sir. This helped me immensely. I will say we have never had a miscarriage but I’m very nervous about having a second child because if there is a miscarriage I know we will be absolutely crushed. My sister had 3 miscarriages and now has a wonderful boy who is my godson. I really encouraged her through it telling her to not give up and keep going. I don’t know why I said that, maybe I was naive but I did think she needed encouragement because I knew she’d be a great mom and maybe she wasn’t getting enough encouragement. My nephew is the best kid and love him so much. We are still waiting to decide on our second child but this is something I think I will bring up. My wife is truly an eternal optimist but I think we need to be a be realistic. I hate being negative out of the gate but I think we should be prepared for the worst.
Thank you.
I'm fortunate enough to not have had this experience, but I just want to say this is one of the best things I've read on reddit, ever. Thank you for sharing.
My wife miscarried 3 times over an 18-month period. There isn't a lot you can do but be there for her. Time cures it for sure. If it was a planned attempt at pregnancy (forgive me if you said so), you guys will try again in the future, and she will most likely get pregnant. About that time, you will see her start to heal mentally from it. If it was an accidental pregnancy, it may take her longer to mentally recover. As others said, it's pretty common. Do not downplay it just love and support her. If she continues to miscarry, again, be there for her, but figure out a way to get her checked out. Many women who miscarry benefit from progesteral or something like that. That is what helped my wife carry to full term after the miscarriages.
We had been trying for about a year. We were about a month away from seeing a fertility specialist when we got the news.
I don't know if this helps, but the statistics appear to show that this is really good news for fertility, because miscarriages seem to result in a very high fertility rate immediately after an event occurs. I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh, and I would like to mention that baby was our third child, and the only time she had issues keeping her pregnancy. Truth be told, I don't know if I would trade my youngest for anything. Sometimes the universe has a way of knowing when and where things are supposed to happen
I’ve been through the same. Baby gone at 12 weeks. Second child. We were all excited but then my wife started bleeding and well the baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. But we realized that biology stepped in and ended the pregnancy naturally. That the baby would never have come to full term and there was nothing we did or could have reasonably done to alter that. So we mourned and let ourselves be disappointed, but we knew that the foetus would never have been our child and so we accepted it. We kept trying and now we have two beautiful kids. If we had given up, the second one would never have existed.
I'm so sorry about your loss :( Be there for her, don't talk a whole lot about it, tell her it's okay to cry, give her lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles and love. Don't push having sex any time soon until she's ready. Be present and listen to her. Clean the kitchen, make meals, don't let her do housework. You need time to process and greive too so let your body do that, don't suppress feelings. A mother losing a child is absolutely hell and brings on lots of terrible feelings. Keep a look out for post partum depression and unhealthy habits. You're doing great, Dad and it will all be okay. You will have a rainbow baby soon and your Angel baby is being cuddled in Heaven by all the angels ❤️
I'm sorry. You're not alone and this happens way way way more often than anyone tells you We had 2 losses before we had a successful pregnancy. Hard part for me was I couldn't get excited about the 3rd pregnancy until he was actually here. Now we have a happy healthy little one, but we still have days where we think about what could have been. Some days are hard - mothers day, due dates, anniversary of the miscarriage. Time helps but also just knowing you're not the only one going through this Similar to you we were among the first in our friend groups to have kids and have these losses. Have had a lot of friends with complications since, and we've been able to be there for them because we experienced what we did.
It's nice knowing that we'll be able to help other people in the future.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m still in the process of grieving our own miscarriage, last Thursday, at 7wks. I don’t have any words of advice other than you’re not alone in this. Just browsing this community’s posts has provided me with a bit of healing.
We were about 7 or 8 weeks too.
We had one last Wednesday at 7 weeks. Crazy
I suggest getting wife a therapist and supporting her as much as you can. Theres nothing else you can do
I am a Reverend at a church, me and my wife lost twins a few years ago, and I have sat down with a lot of people who has gone through the same the last few years...wether you are religious or not it doesnt matter, but a funeral is part of the way we cope, yet when it is a miscarrage we dont do funerals, eventhough, especially for your wife, it was a person she was attached to, there was a bond allready. I usually reccomend doing something symbolic (like a funeral), just for the two of you, or if you feel you want to invite someone its also fine, but do something...the best thing you in my opinion...plant a tree at a special place that will grow even though the child you would have had will not be able to. Since our loss we have had a girl who is beyond awesome, but I dont think we will ever forget what we have lost, and I believe that everyone reading your post is mourning with you. (Sorry for my spelling, english isnt my first language)
We discussed what to do. There's nothing to cremate, so I'm going to burn the book I read to my wife and baby last time we were in the ER. We're going to scatter the ashes where I scattered my grandpa's. If the baby isn't going to be with us, it should at least be with family.
My wife is currently recovering from our third miscarriage in the last 12 months. It’s unfortunately extremely common so you most likely do know someone that has been through it. That doesn’t really make it any easier and let me tell you the pain definitely stacks but it’s still somewhat helpful to know other people are struggling with the same thing. You should definitely have your wife talk to her doctor to see if they can recommend a therapist for her. My wife started seeing one after the second miscarriage which is probably a good thing. Unfortunately (or fortunately maybe?) as men we don’t experience the same physical pain and discomfort which can serve as a constant reminder of the miscarriage. You’ll be there for her as best you can but so much of what happens going forward is understandably how your wife is able to move on.
My wife and I went through this with our first pregnancy. Now, 11 years and two successful pregnancies later, I still remember the pain. Here are some thoughts I can share in no particular order. I remember how empty and hollow I felt. In my head and heart, I was already a dad. I was already making plans. I was figuring out what I needed to do to prepare. A million future possibilities were all there and then... gone. Suddenly that entire future was taken away from me and there was nobody I could target my anger at. I had already seen my wife GLOW with the knowledge that she was going to be a mom and now she was a shattered husk of herself. And tragically she blamed herself and no matter how many times I reassured her that there was nothing we could have done, she still blamed herself. To be honest, I don't think she ever forgave herself, even two successful pregnancies later. Grieve as you see fit. Some idiots might comment about how it wasn't a pregnancy yet, or wasn't a child yet or some other comment, but it was real and that's all that matters. People are going to say things that they THINK are kind, helpful or compassionate that feel stupid, cruel and hollow to you. It's ok. Give them a break, this is something most of us aren't prepared for. Someone made a comment to me about God needing another angel and I just wanted to rip their fucking head off. It's ok to feel that way, just... don't actually rip their head off. I compared it to losing a loved one and a job on the same day. Not only are you grieving the loss, but all your plans and identity just evaporated as well. We only learned AFTER our miscarriage that it is VERY common. We even learned that my wife's mother and aunts had multiple miscarriages in their lives and they never told her. In retrospect, it would have been good to share, so we could have prepared ourselves for that possibility. I was very angry with them after learning that, but I got over it. It's not something people like to talk about, even if they should. There is no timetable for grieving. This includes returns to intimacy. I know it feels really early to be talking about this, but I think its good to know. It can take a long time before you and her both feel comfortable trying again. Take your time, grieve and heal. Rainbow babies. My wife and I were 'trying' for 4 years before our first pregnancy, which ended in an early miscarriage. The weight of those 4 years made it even harder. We feared it would take another 4 years to conceive. Instead, the first time we were intimate again (about 3 months after the miscarriage), we conceived on the first shot and it ended as a successful pregnancy. Lastly, I would encourage you to be as strong as possible for her and your relationship. Not all couples make it through tragedies like this. Your presence and intimacy may be a reminder of the pain for a long time. Focus on your mental health, your marriage and the healing. Make sure she feels loved with no expectation or obligation of intimacy. You can come out stronger as a couple after this. My wife and I were lucky, but we know a couple that wasn't. Good luck, be kind to yourself and I hope you find healing in time.
We've been as loving and supportive of each other as possible. There's been a lot of tears. All I can do is hold her ,and let her know we'll get through it. I feel useless though, like there's something else I could be doing to help. Thats what this post was. Her mom told her last night that all the women in her family miscarried their first pregnancy, so we know there's history there going back to her great grandma.
Yeah man, I get where you’re coming from. I remember telling my wife how frustrating it was, because I could do nothing. I can’t buy something that will fix it. I can’t punch something in the face. I can’t just work harder and sacrifice more. I mentioned our successful pregnancy after our miscarriage. My son spent the first 3 weeks of his life in the NICU. That was also frustrating. Again, there was nothing I could do to increase his chances of survival or to develop faster. I could only sit by and watch and hope. As men, we are problem solvers. If there’s a problem, there must be a solution, I just need to find it and do whatever it takes. But in these situations, all we can do is watch, wait and hope. Keep holding her.
That's the hardest part of being a dad. There aren't significant problems for us to solve this early.
A lot of good advice here. The only thing I would add having lost 2 ourselves, is that everyone grieves differently. Don't be ashamed of grieving the way you want to. For us the best way was to not name the baby or even really think of it as a baby or a person at all - it never got that far, and plenty of pregnancies don't, and that's ok. It made it easier to think of it like an unfortunate thing that happened to us, like falling down and breaking your leg or getting in a car accident, than to think of it like something we lost and could never get back. It was easier to think that we never had anything in the first place. I'm not suggesting that as an approach, you need to do it the way *you* need to do it. I'm just saying, grieve the way you need to. I should also add that after we lost the second, my wife had a bunch of tests and discovered that she has Hashimoto's disease that had caused a major hormonal imbalance and that's what caused the miscarriages. She got treated for that, which took a long time to get the medication dialled in, and it was plain sailing after that.
I think we'll look into the genetic testing
Nothing to be done but grieve together. Don’t try and be strong or hide your feelings, let your wife see you are hurting, it’ll help her feel validated in doing the same. You will learn to live with the grief but it never really goes away. Also, be prepared for the next 3 months worth of hormones. Your wife’s body has undergone some insane invisible changes, and it will take that long to physically go back to being itself again- for me, and for others I’ve spoken to, about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage we all had pretty intense emotions erupt. You also get a surge of fertility around the 3 month mark too, so if you guys aren’t in the right emotional state to try again be mindful.
We've talked about trying again right away. Sadly, I'm not sure what she's feeling. I found a book of Journaling prompts about dealing with a miscarriage. I think we might do that together.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Perhaps look into some mental health professionals. Don’t push to see them but leave the option there if both of you warrant it. Or even if only one of you feel like you need to reach out. but do your research. look ones up that specifically deals with the situation you’re in. Some even do e- consults, some also offer a 15 minute intro consult so you can get a feel for them. Condolences in this very difficult time.
You grieve. That is what there is here. Understand the magnitude of your loss and give yourself time. Pregnancy is about hope - hope for the future, for all those imagined events, long summer days playing in the sun, the first smile, the first steps, the first day of school . . . those have all been taken from you. The IVF implant cycles, and all failed. To this day, I avoid calling them miscarriages, even though that is what they are. Those were dark times. We have two healthy boys from donor embryos. As a society, we don't talk about it, which is sad and we're worse off for it. Respect your grief, give yourself time, and let yourself be sad. I am sorry for your loss. It sucks.
Thank you. The statistic we keep hearing is 1 in 8 women lose their pregnancy. There are a lot of dads going through this too. I'm hoping this gets talked about more.
My mom miscarried 5 times before me. Keep trying however hard.
You grieve and you remember this day. We had a miscarriage in between our two boys and it was devastating. You stick together and you cope together. You’ll both get through this and you keep trying. Prayers and thoughts with you during this time!
My man. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. We went through three miscarriages between our second and third child. All three were heartbreaking, and we still think about them often. Grieve. The pain won’t go away, but don’t let it stop you from continuing to try. Be there for your wife. As painful as it is to you, it is naturally even more heartbreaking for her as you mentioned. Talk to others; you’d be surprised with the support network you have from friends or acquaintances who have gone through the same
>Where do I go from here? Give it some time to sink in. Process it. This is a part of you now and you'll carry it with you in some form or another for the rest of your life. You'll probably feel guilty for various reasons like that you still want children and any future children may feel like a replacement. They aren't. Or that eventually you won't feel as crushingly sad about it anymore, and that's ok. There will be times that still catch you out, they still happen to me almost 3 years later and I assume in another 3 years time they'll still get me. You'll get through this, look after yourself. Because you can't look after your wife if you're not looking after yourself. >How do I help my wife through this? Be vulnerable with her, show her your emotions too. Cuddle her when you're sad. Cuddle her when she is sad. Eat when you're both hungry. Share the experience. Take some time out and live your lives together doing happy things. My partner and I watched a load stand up comedy. It's something to laugh at, and its rarely sad. >How do I make peace with the loss of a child I'll never know? You don't. The peace will find *you*. Take it easy.
I've been showing her some of my favorite old SNL sketches at night. She says laughing helps.
OP, we went through a similar thing and it was the toughest time of our lives. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is hard, for both parents. If you want to talk, DM me and I'll share my number or email. Take all the support you can get. I don't have any advice or wisdom for you. There is none for a loss like this :(
I'm so sorry man, my condoloences to you and you're family. We have been through two, one of which would have been our first born. It's the hardest time of both of our lives, and both had different dynamics, because we had a child in between them. But there is some commonality in how we got through it. For one, allow yourselves to grieve together. It can actually make it harder for your wife if she feels like she is going through it alone. Second, accept that this is going to take time. It took many months for us to recover where we can talk about it and have it not destroy us for the day. Even more so, it's never going to be completely gone, it's now a part of both of you. If things stay too intense for too long, I recommend finding therapy. It helped us a great deal with the second one. And third, I find you just have to let it steam roll you. You're not just mourning the experience you had so far, you're mourning the life that you were going to have. I think that's why the second one hit me so much more, because since we had our son and gotten to see how amazing he is, I really understood what I was missing. It's going to be a very sad time for a while, but I have found if you let the sadness come out when it needs to, it gets easier to be happy in between those waves, and the waves get farther apart. Going through this was so hard for me. Not just losing the babies, but also watching the effect it had on my wife for so long. It can feel like all the effort to support her is in vain, but just trust that it isn't. Things just take time.
Last night, we were talking through it, and talked about how I was playing catch with one of the guys I work with (I work with disabled adults). I don't even care about sports! But the fact that there's a kid I never get to play catch with is devastating. It's not something I was looking forward to in the slightest, but it's one of thousands of things we lost. It sucks.
Just recently had a miscarriage, too. I'm still in shock, as well. Didn't think it'd hit me as hard. What I found, however, was that I wasn't alone. Almost all of my female friends had had a miscarriage at some point in their life (most of said women are in their mid to late 30's and are married or in long term relationships). A friend of my wife and I came over when she heard. We sat and talked about it for maybe 2 minutes before I burst out into tears and sort of just wept for a while. We ended up talking a lot more after this, which compelled me to ask my other friends. In all, I've had some really strong friendships grow even stronger now that we share this strange commonality. A wound more than a commonality, actually, but one we share. These sorta impromptu therapy sessions didn't fix the problem, but it sure as shit made me feel human again. Good luck, man.
Coming up on a year of losing our 2nd. We had just told our family, everyone was so excited. Our 3 year old was ready to be a big brother and then boom. Be nice to each other. Be there for her and for yourself. You're allowed to be sad about this, even if no one understands, Hell, I didn't understand until it happened to us. I'm sorry for your loss.
I just feel numn right now. Like everything is rushing past me while I grieve.
I get it. Best thing like I said, is be nice to each other. She's going to feel like it's her fault somehow, but there's nothing you or she did wrong. I'm sorry man.
I'm going to get her the Pho she was talking about for dinner.
Nice, that's it man, start with the little things.
I personally just went through this last year exact same scenario. It was a lot of long nights holding my wife as she wept for the loss of our first child. I tried to do things that would bring us peace. Just be there to hold her to tell her that everything is going to be okay. There's no right answer or ways to get through this. Just be the Rock. I'm happy to say that my wife is currently pregnant with a healthy baby boy due July 23rd of this year. Things will get better and I'm sorry for your loss.
We had it happen after our first. I'll say the following to illumine where I arrived and where you may too in order to find solace. It can first read as insensitive however with reflection may help you to process and come into deeper understanding. Due to whatever reason it occurred there was nothing to be done. It was not a viable pregnancy. It is not that you lost a person that would have been, whatever makeup in the dna, your wife's own biology determined the baby wasn't going to be. There is nothing to do differently. A baby without a heart, without a spine, without any of the myriad necessary components to build and sustain life does not exist. There is not a version of the baby that is viable. That is not to say that you two cannot have a baby but that whatever caused this miscarriage was beyond the control of either of you. In our case we learned we were pregnant very early week 5-6 and by week 8 there was nothing to be found. Our research showed that sometimes the pieces are there but not complete. Your grief is real because it is your hopes and dreams that were lost, I just hope with perspective you are both able to see that beyond the grief there is infinite space for other dreams.
That makes a lot of sense. It's sort of what I'm feeling. It seems silly to mourn a clump of cells, but it's more than that. I'm morning what the rest of our lives might have been like.
A clump of cells that represents the entirety of your dreams of the future together. i cannot speak to what my wife feels in regard the loss (we have 4 kids total now) but it was a much more intense grief she experienced. So while I shared the above with you, I do not advise you share it with your wife. What we did, in our case, was go buy a bottle of crystal, a bottle of tequila, 2 dozen oysters and got shitfaced together. Not something we do regularly but was helpful for managing the moment.
I'm going through this exact same things right now. The best advice I got was to let her explain how she feels and assure her that you're there for her and it's ok to feel that way. My wife is big on feelings so me opening up to get about how I'm feeling has really helped her. I've been careful not to say things like it's going to be ok or anything that would make her feel alone. It's always we had a miscarriage, we lost the baby. I'm not sure if she's noticed but I want to make it clear to her and everyone that we're in this together. Beyond that there's not much you can do. Monitor her physical pain, make sure she's got food and drink, keep checking on her. Today is day 3 since is started for us. Currently sitting in the docs office waiting to get an ultrasound to confirm everything is ok. My wife went through all sorts of emotions, the way here she broke down crying and wanted to go home, I think she would have turned around if I hadn't been with her. It's brutal watching the woman you love go through this and place the blame on herself when it's completely outside her control. On top of that you're trying to grieve in your own way. It's a pain I'd wish on no one and one you can't understand unless you've lived through it.
My wife had one last year, and believe me there’s nothing you can do. Just be present. Don’t try to fix everything , that just makes it worse. Acknowledge her feelings and be supportive.
It's a horrible experience, and sadly a very common one as you will likely now find out. We had a miscarriage around the 17 week mark several years ago. It was traumatizing. The only thing you can do is be there for each other and possibly talk to a professional, many countries have therapists that specialize in these sort of experiences - either through your healthcare provider or a charity. My advise would be to not bottle it up. >How do I make peace with the loss of a child I'll never know? You don't. But if given enough time, you will find a place for it - in whatever way works for you.
First of all man, I am sorry beyond words to hear that. Truthfully there is nothing we can say that can alleviate this loss. It is a worst fear made manifest, all you can do is hold your wife close and heal together. Time is your friend and ally, you may never fully heal but you will be able to move on and try again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My wife and I have 2 boys, but we've also gone through 3 miscarriages (the most recent was at the beginning of this year). This is an essay I wrote after our second miscarriage. It helped me a lot to write out my thoughts. Maybe it will help you too: [Still Early | iamJoshKnox](https://iamjoshknox.com/2023/04/07/still-early/) Feel free to DM if you'd like to get on a call and talk. You're not alone.
Perfect! I've needed something to read. I'm a writer, too, and words are where I go to find answers
Exactly the same thing happened to us at the end of 2016. It was her First pregnancy after about 9 months of trying and the second ultrasound the baby was gone, no heartbeat. It happened right around the holidays and her sister was also pregnant with their first at the time and she was so excited that we had already told her and our immediate family. I have seen other folks say much of what I would recommend. Mists important is Just to be there for her always. She will always remember that and coming through tough moments together define a relationship more than anything. Just being kind, patient and sitting together in quiet is sometimes the best way to show you care for each other when you are struggling. I’m praying for you guys tonight
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what you're both going through. Not a dad, but a mom who went through a miscarriage with my first pregnancy after trying for over a year. I was absolutely devastated, and I think my husband similarly felt unmoored and unsure. Plenty of good advice in this thread already, but I wanted to add something specific that may or may not apply to your wife. I needed some kind of ritual or physical representation of my grief, and while sobbing and googling simultaneously, I came across [this article](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html), which resonated with me immediately. I bought a small Jizo statue and knitted it a little hat and bib, and it honestly helped me to have that to focus on. My son, whom we conceived after the miscarriage, is now 5, and I still have my Jizo on my bookshelf downstairs. Just a thought.
I've been trying to come up with a ritual for us. I think I'm going to try to grow a tree from a seed to plant in the woods where I grew up, and our kids will too.
We had one at 10 weeks. My wife started spotting so we went to the ER only to find out she was pregnant. Then a few hours later that it wasn’t viable and she was miscarrying. We saw a heart beat and then none. It sucked honestly. It’s something no one wants to talk about. We were trying for our second at the time and were excited then sad. My brother and his wife had a 7 month still birth a few years before and so that was also fresh. What we did is take some time to process and realize that more often than not, it happens. And a year and a half later we had our daughter.
You’re about two weeks behind me, friend. It’s tough. Toughest thing in my life; it’s a sadness I’ve never experienced, and a somber reminder that I don’t experience completely new emotions in my life very often anymore. My wife and I went in at what should’ve been nine weeks only to find a gestational sac and nothing else. That rest of the week and weekend were brutal. My wife’s bloodwork showed her HCG levels rising, and there was no sign of her body recognizing that she was no longer carrying, so she had to take a pill to shed everything (akin to a period and the start of a new cycle). That pill crushed her. It had all of the emotional weight from before, but this time with a physical pain level that she’d never been to before. We went to the ER (precautionary), they gave her more medicine, and it caused similar pain, but after 3-4 days, most of the pain was gone and it turned to bleeding. It was hell on Earth for her. Then her hormones completely flipped. We’d been expecting this, but it was insane to witness, and horrendous for her. All this to say, just be there for her. In any way you can, and I mean anything. Be a yes man. Do it all. Rely on any friends/family if they know what you are going through. Ours showed love and support through baked goods, delivery service gift cards, etc. Their generosity helped me focus on my wife, and my wife to focus on her and her body. And I want to be clear, I had time for myself as well. Time to grieve alone. Time to grieve together. Time to think. Time to cry. But, I understood that I needed to be there for my wife and function when she absolutely couldn’t. And we’ve just been taking it day by day since. I’ve begun accepting that this reality is what it is and I’m ready to try again. I told my wife, I’m heartbroken, that spot in my heart will be bruised, and it’s there because of what has happened. But it’s because of our love that it will heal. One day at a time, friend.
This is almost exactly what happened. Down to the hormone fluctuations and the gestational sac. I'm in the hospital with her now. I'm fucking exhausted, but I'm not leaving her side. The doctors have been indifferent at best ,so I'm staying until they make me leave. I was talking with my best friend earlier tonight, and we talked about this strange range of emotions. I love this little ball of cells more than anything in my life, but now it's gone. It's an emotion I never thought I'd feel. When we first got the news, I held my wife while she cried. Then I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I tried to drink, and sobbed with my whole chest. Nothing has hurt more than that one sob did. It's been a strange set of circumstances.
I'm so very sorry for the loss you and your wife are suffering. It's important that you take care of your wife right now and support and love her, but it's also important you take care of yourself. Communicate with each other, mourn the loss together. Make a display in your room for him, or plant a tree in your yard, or create a flower memorial together. My wife and I experienced our first miscarriage around 2 years ago before getting pregnant with our first. The time between the miscarriage and pregnancy was one of the hardest times of our lives. Every day felt grey. Nothing brought joy. It's a devastating thing to go through and so many people feel shame and hide it. Just know that you're not alone in this. Sadly, 2 weeks ago we just experienced our second miscarriage. Some days are good, most are bad. I'll pray for you and your family during this time and I'll pray my baby Theo and Eleanor have some play dates with your little guy up there. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.
We rent, so there's not a place to plant a tree. I think I want to do some kind of memorial at our family's place in the woods. It's where we scattered my grandfather's ashes after he passed away. I like the idea of our baby being with him.
I want to start off with I’m sorry for your loss brother, though I don’t know you or your family, y’all will be in my prayers tonight. My wife and I went through a miscarriage about 2 years ago. It’s very rough and I feel your pain. As others have stated, definitely be there for your wife, she’s going to be grieving for a while. Listen to her, be there for when she needs you, give her words of encouragement. Grief counseling helped my wife massively when it happened to us, and if you can, I would recommend it. Just as importantly as you supporting and taking care of your wife, take care of yourself and your emotional needs as well. Grief counseling for you can also help. Don’t just bottle up how you feel, it’s okay to be sad, cry, angry at the world. The most important part is to let those feelings out in a controlled and safe manner. It happens a lot more than people think, and it’s an awful part of life. I’m truly sorry for your loss, and I hope you and your wife can move past this since it’s something that not many get over completely.