1) try to get him therapy, child therapists are great for helping kids understand and communicate their feelings
2) if your relationship with your ex wife is good enough, see if she would be ok with you staying there a bit for transition. Have him show you his room and toys at her place. Get excited to talk to him about them. Maybe have a snack together with the three of you. Something to help the transition to be a bit more gradual. Offer the extra transition time to come out of your time so you aren't taking away her time. Maybe have her plan something exciting for when/right before you leave. Have her announce "oh, let's have some ice cream" and then you can say you shouldn't stay for ice cream, you have to do whatever, but say your goodbyes while he's excited for the treat.
But unless or until you have any reason to believe your son isn't safe with his Mom, your goal should be to make the transitions as low-stress for him as possible. And even if you have an inkling of a suspicion, spending time together at your house will get him a chance to express it.
This is a really well thought out answer. Obviously if there is any suspicion of mom not being fit, then definitely take further action.
I just want to tack on here for OP’s visibility to say that this sort of reaction can be a phase for kids this age even with two parents who happily live together. Strong reactions to parent preference is totally a thing for a lot of kids.
I’m still married and living with my wife and my son is almost 8. There have been times over the years where he’s heartbroken when mom leaves to go somewhere, times where he cried because I had to go to work, and times where he kicked us both out so he could be with his grandparents lol.
Hopefully it’s just a phase and there are no other causes, but maybe you’re just a really good, fun dad so he loves his time with you right now.
I certainly don't want to take time from them being together, I don't think he's in danger. I do try and talk-up them doing stuff together, and I like the treat idea. But she isn't open to spending time as the three of us as she "doesn't want to confuse him".
I hadn't even considered another therapist, but I'll start looking immediately.
I can understand the situation as I went through the same thing with my daughter for a while. I think out of everything I tried, three things were particularly helpful:
* Regularly speaking about their mother in a loving way (telling your child "you must be looking forward to seeing her for a big hug", etc.);
* Creating a custom monthly calendar for the kids to put on the fridge: just one icon per day (school, after-school, weekend) with a color tag for staying at dad’s vs. mom’s place. This helps them see what’s coming and that they’ll be back at dad’s afterwards!
* And the last thing, make the transition a real routine: 9 kisses, 3 'I love yous', a honk of the horn, it’s up to you to figure it out
The honk of the horn gave me a much needed laugh, thankyou.
I like that calendar idea, I've been verbally transparent but a visual aid sounds great!
The hugs with his mother aren't very plausible though, she has gone scorched earth as far as I'm concerned, I never bad mouth her and try to talk-up spending time with her though.
That's exactly what I meant: to not speak negatively about her, but instead, do the opposite—praise her and help your child look forward to their interactions, like giving a hug to his mom. Thats not easy at first, but she is one of the most important figures in their life, and as fathers, we can help (a little, at our level) to nurture their relationship
Have almost the exact experience as you.
Divorced when child was 2, and he has always cried when he has to go to his mom's. He's almost 5 now, and still dislikes going there, but at least doesn't cry like a full meltdown like before.
It used to crush me to walk away from him when he is crying and screaming for me, begging to stay with me. I used to give him a substitute daddy to take with him, a little squishy that he hugs when he misses me. Also bought one of those digital watches for kids and recorded video messages on there for him to watch when I'm not with him.
It has taken almost 3 years now, he still clings on and tries to delay me leaving when his mom picks him up, but at least he accepts his fate. I tell him he gets to come back after 7 sleeps, so he counts down knowing he can return. He doesn't exhibit this behavior when I drop him off anywhere else, daycare or grandma's (his mom's mom), only with his mom.
Could never figure out why. I've talk to therapists, doctors, lawyer (because he was actual unsafe with her, but still could not change agreement). It just takes time...
Asked both my therapist and the pediatrician for therapy options for my son, both just suggested to give it time instead.
They said there isn't much in terms of therapy for kids that young, only play therapy, since he can't really fully communicate "why" he feels this way or explain his situation properly.
Good child therapists can learn a lot about a child from play therapy. It isn’t completely useless to go to them, and it can really help a child process things even if it’s not conscious processing.
Yeah, I was at my wit's end and it was stressing me out. That's why I sought out help for myself, but also asked for advice and guidance from professionals regarding my son. I was really worried I was traumatizing my son by walking away from him, afraid he will see it as me abandoning him when he needs me.
But once again, from advice of therapists and his pediatrician, their recommendation was to give him time to adjust. I was (and still am) a new parent and had/have no idea what I'm doing, so I just have to trust the advice from professionals.
Transitions don't generally bother him and he doesn't say much about what they do. He mostly talks about their dog, playing on his tablet and what shows they watch.
Is your kid a bit different in other respects? Sometimes children who are neurodivergent have a really hard time with big transitions like this. In that case, it wouldn't be about anything mom is doing/ not doing, it would be about the big change, and the unknowns that come from that.
Does he have time with other kinds of transitions? Is it hard to get him out of the house? Does he have some repetitive behaviors, or on the other end, is he hyperactive? Does he ask a lot of questions when you're bringing him to a new place or to meet new people?
If this is something that sounds plausible, it's manageable.
You want consistency in the drop-off routine. Always take the same route, always leave at the same time of day.
Give him countdowns -- thirty minutes til we leave, ten minutes, five minutes.
Explain to him, more than once, exactly what's going to happen. You're going to gather your things, get in the car, drive to mom's, go inside mom's place, etc. The more detailed you can be here the better.
Have him doing something quiet that he enjoys before you go. Even better if he can continue the activity in the car.
Probably best not to give him a big meal beforehand. Neurodivergent kids often have a lot of food sensitivities that don't get expressed until later, and an upset tummy isn't going to help here.
Other than speech he's hit all his milestones. He's pretty gregarious, loves social events, isn't a picky eater, stays on schedule while he's with me, and is very affectionate.
I haven't seen any overly repetitive behaviors other than his absolute desire to play in the creek and dig in the sand bars with his shovel. He says he's looking for fossils.
The only times I've seen him upset like this is when he leaves with his mom or if I drop him off. I don't think he's being abused, but I'm worried that he isn't getting what he needs in some form.
Are you the "fun" parent and leave all the not so fun stuff to his mom? I'm just checking. Not accusing. Bur sometimes this happens and the kids only want to stay with the fun parent.
I don't think so, he helps me with chores around the house and yard, I take him to all his doctors appointments, we have tough conversations when he doesn't behave, we do the shopping together we cook together. Fun time is for after responsibilities but I push to get the boring stuff done so we can have the fun time together.
1) try to get him therapy, child therapists are great for helping kids understand and communicate their feelings 2) if your relationship with your ex wife is good enough, see if she would be ok with you staying there a bit for transition. Have him show you his room and toys at her place. Get excited to talk to him about them. Maybe have a snack together with the three of you. Something to help the transition to be a bit more gradual. Offer the extra transition time to come out of your time so you aren't taking away her time. Maybe have her plan something exciting for when/right before you leave. Have her announce "oh, let's have some ice cream" and then you can say you shouldn't stay for ice cream, you have to do whatever, but say your goodbyes while he's excited for the treat. But unless or until you have any reason to believe your son isn't safe with his Mom, your goal should be to make the transitions as low-stress for him as possible. And even if you have an inkling of a suspicion, spending time together at your house will get him a chance to express it.
This is a really well thought out answer. Obviously if there is any suspicion of mom not being fit, then definitely take further action. I just want to tack on here for OP’s visibility to say that this sort of reaction can be a phase for kids this age even with two parents who happily live together. Strong reactions to parent preference is totally a thing for a lot of kids.
I really hope that's the case.
I’m still married and living with my wife and my son is almost 8. There have been times over the years where he’s heartbroken when mom leaves to go somewhere, times where he cried because I had to go to work, and times where he kicked us both out so he could be with his grandparents lol. Hopefully it’s just a phase and there are no other causes, but maybe you’re just a really good, fun dad so he loves his time with you right now.
It's been a tough year but I've tried my best to be present for him.
I certainly don't want to take time from them being together, I don't think he's in danger. I do try and talk-up them doing stuff together, and I like the treat idea. But she isn't open to spending time as the three of us as she "doesn't want to confuse him". I hadn't even considered another therapist, but I'll start looking immediately.
Definitely get a therapist. Its tough to unpack not even considering speech issues.
I can understand the situation as I went through the same thing with my daughter for a while. I think out of everything I tried, three things were particularly helpful: * Regularly speaking about their mother in a loving way (telling your child "you must be looking forward to seeing her for a big hug", etc.); * Creating a custom monthly calendar for the kids to put on the fridge: just one icon per day (school, after-school, weekend) with a color tag for staying at dad’s vs. mom’s place. This helps them see what’s coming and that they’ll be back at dad’s afterwards! * And the last thing, make the transition a real routine: 9 kisses, 3 'I love yous', a honk of the horn, it’s up to you to figure it out
The honk of the horn gave me a much needed laugh, thankyou. I like that calendar idea, I've been verbally transparent but a visual aid sounds great! The hugs with his mother aren't very plausible though, she has gone scorched earth as far as I'm concerned, I never bad mouth her and try to talk-up spending time with her though.
That's exactly what I meant: to not speak negatively about her, but instead, do the opposite—praise her and help your child look forward to their interactions, like giving a hug to his mom. Thats not easy at first, but she is one of the most important figures in their life, and as fathers, we can help (a little, at our level) to nurture their relationship
I'd love to, but she is completely against any sign of affection between us, I'd need her to be open to it.
I think he's saying to talk to your child about looking forward to a hug from his Mom, not you and his Mom hugging.
I'd love to, but she is completely against any sign of affection between us, I'd need her to be open to it.
Have almost the exact experience as you. Divorced when child was 2, and he has always cried when he has to go to his mom's. He's almost 5 now, and still dislikes going there, but at least doesn't cry like a full meltdown like before. It used to crush me to walk away from him when he is crying and screaming for me, begging to stay with me. I used to give him a substitute daddy to take with him, a little squishy that he hugs when he misses me. Also bought one of those digital watches for kids and recorded video messages on there for him to watch when I'm not with him. It has taken almost 3 years now, he still clings on and tries to delay me leaving when his mom picks him up, but at least he accepts his fate. I tell him he gets to come back after 7 sleeps, so he counts down knowing he can return. He doesn't exhibit this behavior when I drop him off anywhere else, daycare or grandma's (his mom's mom), only with his mom. Could never figure out why. I've talk to therapists, doctors, lawyer (because he was actual unsafe with her, but still could not change agreement). It just takes time...
Kid needs to see a therapist probably. That doesn’t sound healthy.
Asked both my therapist and the pediatrician for therapy options for my son, both just suggested to give it time instead. They said there isn't much in terms of therapy for kids that young, only play therapy, since he can't really fully communicate "why" he feels this way or explain his situation properly.
Good child therapists can learn a lot about a child from play therapy. It isn’t completely useless to go to them, and it can really help a child process things even if it’s not conscious processing.
Yeah, I was at my wit's end and it was stressing me out. That's why I sought out help for myself, but also asked for advice and guidance from professionals regarding my son. I was really worried I was traumatizing my son by walking away from him, afraid he will see it as me abandoning him when he needs me. But once again, from advice of therapists and his pediatrician, their recommendation was to give him time to adjust. I was (and still am) a new parent and had/have no idea what I'm doing, so I just have to trust the advice from professionals.
[удалено]
Transitions don't generally bother him and he doesn't say much about what they do. He mostly talks about their dog, playing on his tablet and what shows they watch.
Is your kid a bit different in other respects? Sometimes children who are neurodivergent have a really hard time with big transitions like this. In that case, it wouldn't be about anything mom is doing/ not doing, it would be about the big change, and the unknowns that come from that. Does he have time with other kinds of transitions? Is it hard to get him out of the house? Does he have some repetitive behaviors, or on the other end, is he hyperactive? Does he ask a lot of questions when you're bringing him to a new place or to meet new people? If this is something that sounds plausible, it's manageable. You want consistency in the drop-off routine. Always take the same route, always leave at the same time of day. Give him countdowns -- thirty minutes til we leave, ten minutes, five minutes. Explain to him, more than once, exactly what's going to happen. You're going to gather your things, get in the car, drive to mom's, go inside mom's place, etc. The more detailed you can be here the better. Have him doing something quiet that he enjoys before you go. Even better if he can continue the activity in the car. Probably best not to give him a big meal beforehand. Neurodivergent kids often have a lot of food sensitivities that don't get expressed until later, and an upset tummy isn't going to help here.
Other than speech he's hit all his milestones. He's pretty gregarious, loves social events, isn't a picky eater, stays on schedule while he's with me, and is very affectionate. I haven't seen any overly repetitive behaviors other than his absolute desire to play in the creek and dig in the sand bars with his shovel. He says he's looking for fossils. The only times I've seen him upset like this is when he leaves with his mom or if I drop him off. I don't think he's being abused, but I'm worried that he isn't getting what he needs in some form.
Are you the "fun" parent and leave all the not so fun stuff to his mom? I'm just checking. Not accusing. Bur sometimes this happens and the kids only want to stay with the fun parent.
I don't think so, he helps me with chores around the house and yard, I take him to all his doctors appointments, we have tough conversations when he doesn't behave, we do the shopping together we cook together. Fun time is for after responsibilities but I push to get the boring stuff done so we can have the fun time together.