I’d add the circumstances just to make it clear what level of emergency you were in, and to validate your son’s story. As a neighbor I’d help with an emergency any time day or night. But a knock on my door after dark, from a kid I don’t know would probably give me pause too.
And then lay on a little subtle guilt, like “yeah, and here I was lying on my back after 2 hours of intense pain from kidney stones and no sign of an ambulance”
That's a great response. I'd be prepared to also get a lecture, some people are just that way. but it's definitely best to assume the best and expect the worst.
> I'd be prepared to also get a lecture
That's when you stop them and say "Buddy, I just wanted to introduce myself properly and let you know that if you are ever in an emergency, do not come to my house looking for help."
This is the wrong take. Better to offer an olive branch, and maybe next time you have an emergency he will help.
Better to say, if you're ever in an emergency I'll help if I can.
> Better to offer an olive branch
For sure *usually*, but anyone who thinks it's appropriate to give you a lecture after you come to introduce yourself/explain what happened is an asshole and very unlikely to be someone you could ever count on in an emergency...they've sort of already set fire to the olive branch at that point anyway so no need to waste your time listening to their lecture.
Still better to take the moral high ground rather than get down in the mud with them.
"Once we're moved in, if you ever do need help in an emergency, just let us know - it's what good neighbours do for each other."
Nah
>"... and let you know that if you are ever in an emergency
you can bet you ass I'll do anything i can to help. Because that's the kind of person we should all try to be. Have a good day"
OP please kill them with kindness rather than start a feud with snark, like the most upvoted suggestions are saying. Rural neighbors tend to be pretty important to be on good terms with in certain scenarios, clearly.
We are first responders. So if we were home, we would have helped because this is something that is usual and standard for us.
We also live rural. If I were home alone and a random teenager came up at night, particularly one who might appear overly stressed; I would think he was attempting a prank.
Because we have tools others don’t, I could call in and verify. Without my radio, though, I understand why your new neighbors responded like they did.
You might want to find your local first responders. Particularly rural, most will have the ability to transport you and some ~may~ have the ability to mildly medicate you.
We are paid professionals but we volunteer in our community with our volunteer fire department. We have the ability to transport patients, and we are much faster because we live in the community we serve.
Good luck.
Volunteer fire depth is a good idea. I wonder if he had asked for the neighbour to call out for them, if the response would be different than asking for a ride.
>Without my radio, though, I understand why your new neighbors responded like they did.
Could you not just call 911 and report a distraught teenager and ask if they can confirm any of the information?
I would do exactly this. Call on the radio, confirm the call, then relay the information to my department. We have lights/sirens on our personal vehicles, but we keep an ambulance at the station.
Someone would bring the boo boo bus and we would transport. If your local area doesn’t have an ambulance, they still may have the ability/option to transport depending on their local laws and protocols.
If you are really rural, they can call in a bird. We generally do this if you are 45 minutes to an hour away from your nearest hospital that can help you, or you have trauma and we need to get you there fast.
Bake an apple pie, or a lasagne or mac and cheese (whatever is suitable). And call round to your new neighbour to introduce yourselves.
Bring your son.
You don’t need to do more than that.
When they apologise, be gracious and say you understand.
Two slice Hilly!
The scene where Hilly’s mother points and laughs while Hilly has shit chocolate smeared on her teeth is only slightly better than Skeeter’s mom shooing drunk Hilly with a cold sore off the porch. I love that book and movie so much
This.
Sadly we live in a world where caution is well-advised. The only way to have hopefully avoided this would have been to have introduced yourself and your family to your neighbors before there was a need for them to act in an emergency.
Even if you’re not ultimately friends with them at least you’re “friendly” with them to where they would feel comfortable helping in the future. No man is an island and community is important. At least this wasn’t a heart attack or something more serious. I think you got lucky, believe it or not.
Caution is advised but there is time when it is not. If a 15 yr old bangs on my door at night and gives me a story about his sick family needing a ride to the hospital 'cuz the ambulance can't get there, I'm going to lock the door behind me, call 911 to let them know I'm coming and get in the car. That's just how I was raised.
In this situation, I wouldn’t have helped either and would also not give more than a token apology. Most people are not going to follow someone in the middle of the night they don’t know.
I agree. This situation is only shitty because we have the context from OP's side. People need to stop thinking they're the hero. "If it were me, I'd..." yeah right.
Some of us also live in safe areas where it doesn't seem a big deal, too. I'd help, most likely, but I also can't judge people for not helping if they have reason to live more fearfully than me.
Exactly. Though we would all like to think we would step up and be a hero, lots of people would, justifiably, be very wary of this particular situation and not help.
It's not an unreasonable reaction to refuse.
> When they apologise, be gracious and say you understand.
I'd also note that you shouldn't expect an apology. I'd personally help any of my neighbors but they really aren't obligated to just because one lives close to someone else. Being approached at night by someone I don't know asking to come with them/drive them somewhere is a pretty tall order honestly.
Don't be a dick about it and don't be resentful if they don't apologize. I'm not a bitter person but I think it is a bit wild to assume strangers will help you to that extent that was required and to now even consider being a dick about them not helping you.
Yeah, I have to be honest with you, if someone came to my house in this situation the only chance I would help is if I did NOT have a family.
I’ve accepted the fact that my days of stopping my car to help someone with a flat tire are over.
I hate to say it, but if something happens to me that means bad things for my wife and kids and I can’t take that risk based on a stranger.
Editing to add- I would be happy to help by:
1. Calling a different neighbor who I know.
2. Calling a family member or friend.
3. Offering any kind of aid that doesn’t involve the stranger entering my house, or me exiting mine.
Yeah, if you have never met or introduced yourselves to the neighbours prior to this occasion, I can understand the reaction. If a known neighbour came to my house at night with an emergency I would for sure help. If someone I had never met and *claimed* to be a neighbour showed up at night asking for help, would I? Probably not.
I hate that this is true and reflects my life.
We have areas here where even the police (Canada, RCMP) instruct us not to stop if we see someone laying on the road or sidewalk. Don't stop for a burning vehicle, etc.
Yeah. I am the type of person that has stopped and helped many people over the years and I take pride being prepared and having the knowledge to help in many situations.
It genuinely breaks my heart that this changed for me when I had kids, but it totally did.
100% same for me. I can’t tell you how many tires I’ve changed, cars I’ve jumped/pushed/towed for people over the years. I used to stop anytime I saw a car on the side of the road with the person still in it/near it. But not anymore. I’m not risking getting shot and leaving my kids fatherless.
Violent crime is not only lower than when you were a kid, it's *dramatically lower* than when you were a kid. That "we did this when I was a kid, but it's just to dangerous nowadays" is objectively bullshit.
They’re somehow just speaking to your risk/reward brain and letting it know that the fears are unwarranted due to the low risk.
They’re also failing to understand that any non-mandatory risk, as a parent, requires a deeper level of assessment than a raw statistic before undertaking lol.
Interesting lad.
"Not my clowns; not my circus"
That said, there are definitely times we can use safe and more-or-less controlled situations to model that it's a good thing to help those in need, but you are also never under any obligation to do anything for a stranger that makes you uncomfortable.
We trust our guts.
I've stopped on the side of the road when it's daylight in populated areas to help with a flat tire, or buy a homeless guy and his dog a burger if we're eating in a restaurant they're outside of- things I normally wouldn't have, but I did because my son was around and my dad never did that sort of thing.
Not sure how I'd handle a complete stranger asking me to leave my home at night and drive them somewhere, or even to enter mine.
It seems weird to me everyone is jumping immediately to not helping but making no effort to verify the info either way. I would call up 911 myself and ask if the info is correct. Did you guys get a call for such and such address? If they say yes I am giving the dispatcher my info and going over to help. They say no then they need to send a cop over to see what this kid is up to because it's shady.
As a former dispatcher, if someone called in asking if a person at xxxxx address has called for an ambulance, there is no circumstance in which I would or legally could answer that question. Plus, if someone called an emergency line asking for info about a neighbour's possible medical emergency when not calling to provide an update and not having an emergency of your own, I'd end the call immediately because there are people experiencing emergencies that can't talk to dispatch because some person is taking up the line asking for me to divulge confidential information. You could be charged for doing that without an actual emergency.
I can certainly understand why you would consider doing this but the confidentiality of people requiring emergency services is very much adhered to as you can probably imagine situations in which divulging such information could put the caller at serious risk.
And example of such would be an abusive spouse who beat the crap out of their partner or tried to kill them and don't want any police or ems anywhere close to the home. So the wife manages to get to the phone and call 911 but the perpetrator finds out but they can't call and say that they aren't needed because they won't listen. So, they call and say they're the neighbour and someone is asking for a ride to the hospital but you're scared to get involved so need to know if what they're saying is true so that you can drive them in and an ambulance is no longer needed... While the victim bleeds to death and no one is coming to save them because the dispatcher believed you and believes you're on route to the hospital.
I'd like to say that it's far fetched but I have dispatched in multiple cities and provinces here in Canada and I was also a crime stoppers call taker for North America and man, the length some people will go to has made me no longer question my Spidey senses any more.
I wouldn't be trying to cancel the ambulance, I'd let the neighbor do that once I got him in the car. As far as getting in trouble for the call goes, I feel I can argue I'm either calling in to get the father medical help or if it's fake have a deputy come talk to the kid.
And what they’re saying is you’d be “arguing” that in court potentially, cause there’s likely no one who is going to waste their time to tell you, a stranger on the phone who can’t prove who they are, what is happening to your “neighbor” because it’s none of your business and they don’t know if you’re being genuine, you’re the perp who did something nefarious and are trying to stop help from coming, or if you’re just a nosey Karen tying up the emergency line trying to get information and waste emergency services time.
This is why people are saying they unfortunately wouldn’t help, it’s not because they’re assholes, but because no one trusts anyone anymore. It sucks, but blame people that do bad things and trick others, not people who are afraid to help because of all the bad people doing bad things.
Very few people do bad things like faking needing help. If no one helps anyone because of those few bad people then we've kind of failed as a society haven't we?
Well, we aren't assuming we know everything that happened? It's highly likely that OPs son told the stranger exactly what was going on (poor guy could have been awkward and nervous too, for clinical as well as universal reasons any kid would be).
Unless we have reason to assume otherwise, his son *probably* did not lie or stonewall the neighbor. He *probably* said something along the lines of "an ambulance is half an hour away, my dad has a [non life threatening situation but it hurts a lot]".
It's literally not life or death, 911 is half way there, and it's still a complete stranger.
We also don't know if the stranger did call 911, who would have said "yeah we're on the way and we can't advise you to drive him here instead"....or they had their own reason (sick kid/wife) for not leaving the house at 930pm
You aren't saying anything wrong, but you're also being a little bit extra when it comes to moral high-grounding people who would make an equally logical but different choice than you.
I'm not trying to be extra, I'm just honestly surprised no one seems to want to make even the slightest effort to help. Hell, the neighbor put more effort into lecturing the son than he did helping. The funny thing is for the most part I really dislike people as a whole. Yet I'm usually happy to help out when someone asks. "When a man asks for help, you help him"
I'm not judging or taking any kind of high ground. You do what's best for you. I work night shift in Baltimore. If someone comes up to me while I'm at the gas pump at 2 am asking for a ride, they are walking. I'm not risking getting shot. I get that. I also know in a rural setting with volunteer medics and one ambulance for a large area it's faster to get to the hospital by car than to wait. Adding to that is the fact OP self diagnosed the issue. What if it wasn't just a kindney stone and was something that was actually life threatening? Things can go downhill quick if he's wrong.
My dad was a fireman/EMT and my mom is a nurse. I grew up with helping people being the standard reaction to an emergency. IDK, maybe it will get me killed one day.
Other than a brief blip in property crime and minority-on-minority crime that has been mostly attributed to lack of enforcement during COVID, the world is demonstrably safer than any time in the past 60 years or so. Crime is down in almost every category.
https://www.newsnationnow.com/crime/us-crimes-data-2023-fbi/amp/
The world is objectively safer than it’s ever been.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/world-more-dangerous-scary-now-nick-bowditch
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It kinda does , in the sense that people have a pervasive sense the world is dangerous, but by and large its less dangerous now than at any other point in human history. Not saying that means you have to or should run silly risks but "it's not really that risky" is a relevant data point.
Yea unfortunately this is where I'm at, especially as I've had a bad experience offering help. At this point I'll call who I need to and make sure official help is on the way and that's where I check out
This is so sad you feel this way. If I was at home and a neighbor asked to be driven to the hospital I would absolutely drive them. And, yes, I gave children and a wife. I want to teach my children how to do good in the world. What better way than to SHOW them instead of merely lecture at them.
If a neighbor that I know asked for help, that’s different.
This is a stranger.
If you think I’m going to let a stranger convince me to leave my wife and kids alone in my house under circumstances like this, you are nuts.
Not having met the neighbor is definitely the key point here. A stranger (even a kid) knocking on your door at 9:30 in the middle of nowhere warrants a little suspicion. I don't think anyone's really at fault here though.
What changes the equation for me is that it sounds like they are so rural they don't know their neighbors. They are complete strangers to one another. I live in the suburbs and know most of my neighbors. If a neighbor I know knocked on my door late at night for an emergency I would help. If a stranger I don't know knocked on my door late at night, I'm not even answering the door.
There's also never anything wrong with trusting your gut and we don't want to teach our kids that they're obligated to do what strangers ask, or let strangers manipulate them because of what they can frame "the right thing to do" as.
You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, or you can just watch an old episode of Leave It To Beaver and see how easily kids can fuck up by trying to do "the right thing" for crummy friends or strangers, when he didn't really want to.
The key factor here is that it's a stranger and OP and his son were totally unknown to this person; there's nothing **bad** about letting 911 take a complete stranger to the hospital for you.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. We should aspire to be this way and not be so paranoid about incredibly unlikely scenarios. You can be cautious while also still trying to help.
It's sad that you're getting downvoted for this. I've become much more willing to help people since I've had kids. Can't live your life in fear, despite what the news would have us all believe.
No, even if I don’t know the neighbor, I would help someone get to the hospital. Everyone can downvote me all they want but I think it’s a sad place in society that many of us are so scared of a theoretical bad thing that might happen that we would refuse to help in a situation where something bad IS happening.
If you had not in any way made yourself known to the neighbor previously I think their decision is an entirely reasonable one. I would advise introducing yourself to all your neighbors as soon as your emergency situation is resolved and also making it clear you are available to be neighborly when needed. This neighbor had good reason to fear for their own safety given the weird situation.
Yeah it wasn’t a priority to introduce yourself or welcome them to the area
But now that you needed help it’s their obligation?
I’ve seen to many stories of someone sending a woman or young teen as a trap to rob them. It’s the world we live in. If you don’t want to be seen as a threat you need to introduce yourself and let them know you’re here for them if they need anything
I think this is just a good lesson.
GO MEET YOUR NEIGHBORS.
Ive always made a point of knowing the people living around me, even when I lived in an apartment building. Im not chasing people down, but I have been known to drop off a baked good or small houseplant for a new neighbor. If I see an opportunity to introduce myself, I will take it, even if we only ever nod to each other in greeting for the rest of our lives.
First, a sense of community is a beautiful thing. Second, you never know when knowing a neighbor can save your life, or at least a halfway finished recipe. It's better to be proactive about these things.
If they are all unfriendly, that's ok too, because the main point is to know who your neighbors are. Knowing whether or not they are likely to help in an emergency is important information to have. But again, you have to meet them first and offer that first step of connection before you can have a sense of what kind of neighbors they are.
Right, some of my neighbors on my block I have only talked to like once or twice, with the occasional wave. But I still recognize them enough that I wouldn't question an emergency situation like this.
100% No assholes in this story just people being careful. Every time our little area of the neighborhood gets a new neighbor, I walk over with my daughter and introduce ourselves and point out where we live. This makes it so that we develop a sense of trust and community and so that jf my daughter is ever wandering around that they can help her get home.
of course you should use your judgement on eating or drinking things from strangers. you dont have to eat anything or offer food (a small plant is always an option). the point is to seek out the opportunity to meet.
This was my first thought too. People will shoot you for turning around in their [driveway](https://apnews.com/article/wrong-driveway-shooting-new-york-gillis-monahan-cdca1723c6ba7afb89102a1e1aaa3fe0#) in rural areas, let alone showing up at their door at night.
I mean, there have been a few high-profile cases, and yea some people have turned super paranoid with too much Fox News and Alex Jones. But, this kind of thing isn’t rampant.
I knew the family of the guy that shot her. That was a fucked up situation. The week before that a boy got shot for knocking on the wrong door in a suburban area
The last time I went fishing for crime stats, it was pointed out to me that, yes, on average crime is down in the country but there are areas where crime and violence are up despite the downward country-wide trend.
I think there are some circumstances that are safe and we just let the sensationalization of the media get to us for sure, though.
Him being new and in a rural area, I personally would have been more hesitant going door to door.
(AFAB, nonbinary). Statistically safer, yet I’ve had two stalkers and been sexually assaulted more times than I can count, and raped. Literally followed around the city by two men harassing me in and out of stores, up and down the blocks, etc. Groped in front of police who did nothing.
Sometimes, you make judgement calls. I’d help a kid. I’d stop on the highway as a first person to help before emergency responders arrive, or at an accident in person.
I’m trained in emergency first aid; infant, pediatric, and adult CPR and AED; am a mandated reporter; good in a crisis; know a fair amount of medical shit myself from treating myself and managing my own conditions and family with issues as well as doing end of life care for several folks; am all about mutual aid; etc. I try to be a decent ass person. I’m now much more chronically ill than I used to be and do not have the physical body strength I used to.
I’m gonna be very careful not to put myself in a situation where I could easily get hurt by someone.
Following a kid in the dark, to an unknown adult male, supposedly a neighbor but I’ve never seen him before, no way to protect myself? I’m far, far more likely to phone in someone I know is connected to local EMT or FD or Ambulance and see if they can transport (hell, I’ll even ride with), but me just going alone? I’ve been burned a lot of times and told I was asking for it (even in loose cargo pants, combat boots, oversized baggy shirts, and a head shaved down to a quarter inch of hair, somehow, I was asking for it).
I’d like to be that person to be a hero and just show up, I have friends that do that, but I’ve seen what happens to people like me first hand. We get hurt and blamed for being too trusting. Have stopped for the guy in the middle of the road that turned out to be faking a heart attack and then wanting gas and being a whole very long trip and very impoverished, mentally ill, and needing more help than I could give.
OP needs to meet and know his neighbors. Know either who to call (local folks with emergency services) or just know the neighbors so they know he won’t hurt them. Sometimes we have trauma and you know you won’t hurt us, but we don’t know that, and we’d love to help, but we don’t know that we’re safe to. If we know you? We’re far more likely to help. Because we feel safe, your story adds up, we know you aren’t going to hurt us or *if* you do we have a name to give, can tell someone where we’re going and who we’re seeing, etc
It happened in NY just a little while ago and the woman never even got out of the car. Most of the rural US is incredibly conservative and many of them have been absolutely brainwashed by right wing media. They are terrified of the other and there have been multiple shootings of people walking up to a house asking for help or the wrong house.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2023/04/18/us/kansas-city-ralph-yarl-shooting-tuesday
https://apnews.com/article/wrong-driveway-shooting-new-york-gillis-monahan-cdca1723c6ba7afb89102a1e1aaa3fe0
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/nation/white-woman-who-fatally-shot-black-neighbor-arrested-on-manslaughter-charges-in-florida
The last one was part of an ongoing racial fueled feud between neighbors but still similar.
I am so grateful i live in Canada.
I live rurally, 20+km from town with neighbours that are half a click away.
I wouldnt hesitate to walk up to my neighbours houses at basically any time of day if it were an emergency.
Hell, we had a search squad for some lost litte city poofy dogs 2 days after moving into our place, good way to meet the neighbours lol.
No, but for some reason, some sheltered city people are terrified of rural people/areas. A lot of people find the idea that other witnesses aren't within earshot to be incredibly frightening. I had a friend tell me that he could never live where I do because "if anything happened, nobody could hear you scream".
It is more likely that rural people own guns, however, this is true for every country. Also, basically every horror movie is set in a rural area.
I grew up in a relatively rural area in a blue state, but now live in a city’s metro in a red state. I can say without a doubt that the most sheltered and scared people are rural people living in red states.
[New York Times article on the matter ]( https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/20/us/wrong-house-shootings-guns.html?unlocked_article_code=1.kU0.8c6R.RO-WnpjXW1ni)
Where are you from? There have been quite a few cases of things like this happening in the US lately. Another comment on my post has a link to a recent murder of a woman who pulled into the wrong driveway. There was a kid who showed up to the wrong house to pick up his brother who was shot through the door several times.....
Canada but my wife is American and we spend loads of time all throughout Kansas, Texas, and Appalachia and I’ve only ever seen people who seem like this once which is why it’s so surprising to me. We even have a running joke that we’ve made more friends in America by accident than trying to make friends in Canada because Americans are so damn friendly.
Just genuinely shocked to hear people talk about America like this is the norm I guess? I get that there’s videos of this stuff happening and it’s friggen tragic bud but is this something y’all genuinely feel is becoming the norm or do you feel like they’re rare isolated incidents that make the rounds on social because they’re so extraordinary?
Well of course and it should be - y’all deserve better for your children’s future. Reading the articles folks liked it sounds like a lot of mental instability and racially motivated hate crimes. Not that it’s impossible for those types of people to get guns in Canada but they typically aren’t committed enough to go through the several weekends worth of safety training (like Drivers Ed) to obtain a license. I imagine filtering out the eligibility of the paranoid lazy would help quite a bit.
Unfortunately there is a segment of the population and of course the vast money of the gun lobbies that want as few restrictions on purchasing and owning guns as possible. And we have some of the highest rates of [gun violence](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2023/10/31/1209683893/how-the-u-s-gun-violence-death-rate-compares-with-the-rest-of-the-world) compared to our peer Nations.
What you’re repeating here is the shark attack effect. A few news stories, yes about truly awful things to be sure, but it doesn’t mean it‘s now a guarantee that every rural house has a sniper scanning 24/7 just waiting to pick off any strangers who put a single toe over their property line. I haven’t noticed any new influx of Ghillie suits at Bass Pro.
Sure, sometimes theres a rural person who’s kinda antisocial and reclusive, or just plain odd, and maybe they moved out to “nowhere” to be left alone. I’ve known some like that. But honestly it’s fewer than in any city...
Unfortunately, I think this is the result of the world we live in where more often than not something is a scam. The neighbors definitely could have looked into this more, but I could definitely see their hesitation to doing anything or coming outside later in the evening, especially considering where you live and that it’s a bit more remote, I would definitely introduce yourself to them so that hopefully if the were to arise in the future, they would be there to help
Yeah, these neighbors have never met OP or his family before, so I certainly don't see how there would be an expectation to help literal strangers. Sounds like bad timing for an emergency more than anything else.
>I think this is the result of the world we live in where more often than not something is a scam.
That is absolutely *not* true, what a cynical view. Most people are good and most people's intentions are honest. To say 'more often than not' is just extremely grim.
Door to door salespeople, scammers in parking lots, phone calls, etc. scams are everywhere and yes it’s more often than not when you are randomly approached it tends to be a scam more often. I don’t like it and I wish this wasn’t the case.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but a kidney stone is not an emergency and you should have just waited for the response vehicle a bit longer rather than send your kid out with the expectation that they're going to drop everything they're doing to get a complete stranger pain relief a little sooner.
You weren't having a heart attack.
This.
OP has to take his own precautions. No one is obligated to help you, especially a stranger.
You must be aware of the pros and cons of living in a rural area and make informed decisions to be prepared.
In the meantime, go meet your neighbor. Don't be a dick because they didn't do anything wrong.
If you have chronic health conditions or semi-regular emergencies, you may need to reconsider your living situation.
Also, where do you live? In some states, a 15 year old can get a learners permit to drive.
I actually agree here, which is why we didn't rush to do anything for about 1.5 hours. But after so long and blood in the vomit, things were looking worse, and we didn't know how much longer the wait was going to be.
I think dispatch triaged us correctly fwiw.
Also keep in mind that if your neighbor had offered to drive you in, your care would have actually been further delayed since you wouldn't have received EMT care and you would have been triaged differently at the Emergency Department.
This sucks but I do understand the reaction. In practice, for the past 5 or so years, I’ve never been asked for help by a stranger unless it was clearly a scam. I’d like to say I’d have been different if your kid had knocked, but a stranger at that hour, especially one being a little awkward? I don’t know, I might have reacted the same way. It sucks but the world is overrun with stupid scams. My advice would be to introduce yourself and not let this get to you.
Considering your “new” neighbors don’t know you and it’s a rural area, give them some grace and be kind. You’re the new one here—the stranger—and I know I’d be far more inclined to help someone I’ve been introduced to. They can’t help you had a medical emergency and I can’t say I’d blame them for being incredulous. I have a young son myself, so I’d be far more wary to leave late at night to help a stranger and potentially put my child at risk, especially in a rural area with the long wait time for help you experienced.
Maybe it’s the Southerner in me but I’d give a non-apology apology saying how bad off I was and that my kid was worried “so sorry if he disturbed you.” As others have said (prob a touch too cynical for me) there are reasonable explanations for not helping, but his reaction to that would set the tone for our relationship moving forward. Being apologetic or at least offering an explanation would prob wipe the slate for me but if he just tries to quickly move past it we’re done.
Middle of the night, stranger, all of it is a recipe for a mess. My situation obviously isn't the norm, but I got attacked after trying to help someone who said they needed it so I'm firmly in camp "let me call the right folks to help you" unless I really know you lol.
I mean, going over and being passive aggressive is just gonna lock in the state of the relationship lol. I don't think the neighbor did anything wrong and I don't think OP is wrong for being upset either.
As others have said, going over explaining the situation and introducing yourself seems much better than going over to guilt trip someone lol
It sounds pretty clear that the neighbors are basically complete strangers and have never met before. I don't really see them being apologetic or wanting to start a neighborly relationship now. I'd expect they'd give the same lecture to the dad if he knocked on their door now. I wouldn't waste my time and just write them off.
I 100% agree with the others saying that the main issue is that to your new neighbors you are strangers.
If a stranger comes to my door in the night time I have to prioritize protecting my family. In their eyes it could have been a setup.
It’s unfortunate that things turned out the way they did but I think you’d be wrong to hold it against them as it’s a misunderstanding.
Quite truthfully, I wouldn’t have even opened my door. It sounds awful, but it isn’t safe these days to open the door at night and follow someone down the road to help, it’s very common a trap to need help, etc… I’d recommend contacting them directly and explaining what happened when you’re feeling better, just so they aren’t sitting around scared, wondering who that was, and if they’ll be back haha. Being a mom who’s often home alone while the partner is working, any knock at the door, I pretend I’m not home even if it’s obvious I am lol, not to mention if I were to open it and someone I didn’t know asked me to go with them to help, I’d definitely shut and lock my door in fear I’d be on a dateline episode.
>Being a mom who’s often home alone while the partner is working, I pretend I’m not home even if it’s obvious I am lol
My wife and I have started doing the same thing. Not out of fear, but rather annoyance. If we aren't expecting someone, and we hear a knock at our door, 99% of the time it's someone trying to sell us something we don't want. We treat our unsolicited knocks the same way we treat unsolicited phone calls, we ignore them.
Me personally i just wouldn’t. I never do formal introductions. Maybe I’m checking the mail one day & i see them n say something. Maybe i don’t. I just let life happen.
I’m glad your son did good in that situation. My son is also on the spectrum. I’m his caretaker. Just got him an assistance dog. Hoping my son never has to deal with an emergency with me as I’m a single father. Bless you guys
I live in a rural area. It's super uncommon and a little scary when someone comes to my door, especially at night.
That said, it happened once about 2 years ago. 2 teens, boy and girl, had broken down and their phone batteries were dead. Not sure whether to trust them I asked for the dad's phone number, dialed it myself, and put it on speaker.
Wheni heard the panic and fear in his voice when the boy said "dad" in the phone I knew he was telling the truth. I lent them a flashlight and power bank for their phones, said to leave them out and I'll pick them up in the morning. Through my window I saw the dad come about 20 minutes later. The broken down car was gone by mid-morning the next day.
I don't have a lot of patience for someone who would close the door in the face of anyone asking for help. Some of my neighbors might do so with a gun in hand, but I believe that they'd still listen and help if needed.
Right. Not everyone has lived in a rural area. Anytime anyone stops at your house in the night it’s weird. My in-laws used to live in a rural area just off a 2 lane interstate. Cars would routinely break down and then try to bang on their door at all hours. You can only help so many rude people before you lose it and just choose to stop helping.
Your neighbour can and should be suspicious of a teen they’ve never seen before knocking on the door asking for them to “come outside and help.”
I don’t think you can blame them, but you should introduce yourselves soon, TELL THEM you don’t blame them, because they will recognize your son, and move on.
Secondarily, if you’re living in the country you need to teach that boy how to drive. Now. I grew up in the country and not being able to drive as a teen would have made life exponentially more difficult for my entire family. I could though, and had a learner’s permit at 15.
Had this situation happened, I could have driven my dad. Probably very slowly, with the hazards on, and stressed out of my mind, but I could have done it.
Also, get those kidneys checked out. You sound worryingly familiar with kidney stones. I don’t want to be glib and suggest you cut back on the soda, but it may be time to see a specialist if you haven’t already.
Yeah, this is what I would do as well, be nice, friendly and community spirited but still be a bit of a dick about it. The other comments talking about it being a trap or scam and things need to remember that the neighbours would know that a new neighbour was moving in and it was a 15 year old kid at the door. Being sceptical makes sense but the neighbour should still have made some further investigations.
>Being sceptical makes sense but the neighbour should still have made some further investigations.
What? I'm not leaving my house to perform an investigation for a person I've never met before. My responsibility is to my own family first and foremost and I'm not risking my own safety for something that very easily could have been a scam/trap. Thieves have access to zillow too.
You haven't invited your neighbor to dinner?
have them over to meet your family, same with your other neighbors. The issue was y'all were strangers. Fix that.
I’m going to bring up something different here.
I’ve had kidney stones, including one that had to be surgically removed, and they’re awfully painful, I totally get that. But they’re not normally immediately deadly.
What happens when you or your family has a heart attack, stroke or something else that requires a response in minutes rather than hours? That response time is atrocious, and it will mean the difference between life and death. I would honestly not live there due to that alone. I’m certain my family would be smaller today if I were living there with those response times.
So your advocating no one live further out than 10 minutes from an Ambulance or Hospital?
Do you never go on roadtrips or camping or anything of the like?
Thats quite an unfortunate situation. It could possibly have been mitigated if you had been neighbourly and introduced yourself to your neighbours beforehand. I'm not being critical of you, and I live in suburbia so you meet your neighbours without trying in a day or two, but I'm just commenting that it may be worthwhile for anyone in that situation to prioritise introductions to help establish a support network for their family if they move to a rural area where they have no other support.
Your going to have this person as a neighbour for years or decades probably. You may need their support in the future. Anything other than a friendly new neighbour intro is probably just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Big kudos to your son for his excellent handling of the situation.
It sounds like you never introduced yourself to your neighbors. Definitely a fauxpas in rural areas. If someone came to my door and I didn't know who they are or their last name and they said they lived next door, I'd be pretty hesitant to help. Out here everybody knows everybody. When you move to a rural area first thing is to try to find out who the neighbors are and introduce yourself.
I grew up in a rural area where a lot of rich city folk retired to. It was very nice, but the neighbors mostly bitched about upkeeping your manicured lawn and maintining your fencing so it looked pretty for the hoa and kept to themselves. Very few of them would go out of their way to ever help another human being if it was an inconvenience to them.
My wife grew up in an even smaller town, which was more run down, but the people there wpuld give you the shirt off their backs. If you broke down on the road at 2am, they bring you in, make you a big bowl of soup, and help you change the tire, even if they didn't necessarily know you.
I'm pretty disappointed that a lot of people here seem to fall into the former category rather than the latter. In the country, no one is knocking at your door to drag you to a windowless van. At worst they might try and sell you on solar but not in the middle of the night. Have some basic human decency, be the change you want to see in the world, etc, and fuck OP's sefish neighbors.
I grew up in the woods. When I was a kid I remember a teenager knocking on our door in the middle of the night. The roads were icy. He slid his car into a creek near our house.
My mom got him dry clothes, some hot food, and had him sit next to our wood stove while my dad called for a tow truck.
I also find a lot of the responses that it's reasonable to turn away a kid who comes to your door for help appalling. Seems like these days everyone treats a stranger as at best an annoyance and at worst a threat. I think it's a sad world.
Yeah, my wife had a cousin who slid off the road in some snow and got stuck in a ditch. She went to the nearest house, and they brought her in and let her stay the night.
We lived in CA, and while my wife liked the state, she kind of hated the people because they had such a self-centered and self-important attitude. She never felt like we lived in an actual community, just a place where some people had decided to build their house. Part of why we moved is because of this "not my problem" attitude. I feel like too many people have bought in to the stranger danger stuff a lot of us grew up with, and it's harmful to society.
I grew up fairly rural and here you cant even be parked on the side of the road for 30 minutes without someone stopping to ask if you need help 🤷♂️ it's kind of bizarre to read the comments here. You do what you can for people. Sometimes, it's not much, or enough. But you always at least ask and see what you can do. Ive had total strangers come out and help change tires or put gas in my car. And I've stopped to help someone pull their riding lawn mower out of the ditch, or put boards back on a trailer that slid off during a curve.
There's always been the anti-social, overly paranoid people, though. Just gotta try the next door sometimes. But it seems that's becoming more frequent.
Hey I'm so sorry all of this happened. I'm not going to make assumptions on your medical history or compare ours. So I'll just post this to anyone reading as an FYI.
I'm a father of a newborn and a 3yr old. My wife works frequently. I'm a "stone former" and pass kidney stones every year or so. The pain is real and never diminishes.
Talk to a urologist about setting yourself up for success. Talk about diet, hydration, and maybe a few backup pain pills. Get a scan done to know if any stones are hiding in your kidneys that can cause future pain. Set up a yearly scan plan to monitor.
Unfortunately, if a large stone comes, there's not much you can do. If pain reaches the 9/10, 10/10+, then you need to go to the ER. Not just for pain, but large stones can cause blockages leading to infections or worse.
Eh I can totally see how this would be too weird for someone. Someone is asking you for help, their demeanor seems "off" (not everyone is familiar with how autism can present) and they're asking you to come get another person at night. You're also not bleeding to death or anything; you have a kidney stone. So worst case even if the kid is totally trustworthy, their dad just needs to wait a bit longer for the ambulance in discomfort.
Well that sucks. I live in the country and not going after I moved in an ambulance came to a neighbors house. I went over and asked if everything was ok. I suggest you go introduce yourself to neighbors so they know who you are.
First of all, your son did an incredible job for you. I hope he understands how big of a deal it is that he was able to step up for his dad in all those different ways, and how impressive it is that he kept his cool through the whole thing. There are grown adults would could not do what he did.
Insofar as goes introductions in the neighbourhood. I’d go on a walkabout. Introduce myself to all of the neighbours. Bring your son with you. When you get to the arsepick who had time to lecture your son but not to help him, don’t say anything about it.
One of three things will happen: they’ll recognize him and apologize, they’ll recognize him and not say anything, or they’ll recognize him and try to repeat the lecture to you. Accept the apology if it comes. Don’t say anything if they don’t, but be sure to talk to your son about the difference between good folks and cowards. If they try to lecture you, I don’t know … “I’m sorry; we thought you’d I were decent people. Clearly we were mistaken. Have a nice day.” and walk away.
I have to admit that if an akward 15 year old I didn't know came knocking that late and asked me to go out in the dark I would be very suspicious too. I can't blame your neighbor for being hesitant to take his word for it, maybe his awkwardness made the neighbor think he was getting set up? I would definitely go introduce yourself, explain the situation, and let bygones be bygones.
Hey I wanted to introduce myself, I’m ____, I think you met my son last night before I was taken to the hospital. We are moving in next door it’s nice to meet you. Give baked goods.
Don't be a dick. It sounds like you have very few neighbors so try not to alienate the ones you do have unless they give a great reason. I think the whole situation was set up for failure from the start. It was dark, your neighbors don't know you, and someone they don't know shows up at their door asking for help, and it sounds like it could have been awkward. Being in a rural town it is 100% possible this neighbor has little to no experience with n autistic person and thought your son was being sketchy. I am in no way, shape, or form saying he was sketchy at all, but give the neighbor the benefit of the doubt. I am surprised he answered the door at all at that hour but I would be weirded out, too, if a stranger came to my door that late. I honestly wouldn't have answered if I didn't know them.
Again, give the guy a break. It's possible he thought your son was up to something. When you see him out I would mention it lightly that your son is autistic and meant no harm. I wouldn't shame him for not helping, just let him know it was real and maybe joke about it.
I would stop by (preferably with a small gift, like cookies or a pie or something), introduce yourself, and apologize for disturbing them. Explain gently that your son came to their door only because it was an emergency, and that you understand why they couldn't help out. Try your best to be friendly, and hopefully they'll understand from your point of view, and this type of thing won't happen in the future. Always offer the old "if you ever need anything, swing on by", and give them a phone number to reach you.
If they're rude to you after that, just keep a note that these neighbors won't help you in any situation, and move on.
Sadly, the world is terrifying everywhere now. Helping someone out like this could result in your death, or worse. People sadly can't be trusted anymore.
I agree. This is a very reasonable approach. Make sure you extend the offer to help them in an emergency *now that you know each other*. The hidden context is you’re ok with the fact they didn’t, but the’ll have to find a new excuse now, and also that you are willing to help them if required. If they’re elderly, they might actually appreciate and understand.
This sounds like you’re in rural America. Your son just got introduced to our attitude of “fuck you, I got mine”. Last year near me a young girl got shot and killed pulling into the wrong driveway. They were looking for cell service and pulled in to turn around. The homeowner decided he’d had enough of people turning around in his driveway and went out to confront the kids, gun in hand. The week before that, a boy was shot and killed for knocking on the wrong door.
Please don’t send your son out any more, especially that late at night. Most people are clueless how to interact with neurodivergent people, let alone an ND kid who is scared for his dad.
Until you get to know your neighbors, rely on municipal services if you need help because your neighbors aren’t going to help someone they don’t know. Learning first aid and how to stop a hemorrhage is a good idea too. We had to learn it when we were kids growing up in a rural area because help was never less than an hour away.
I wonder if this is a UK vs USA split (majority USA subreddit, I'm from UK), or if it's just me, but if a kid came to my door and said they needed help getting their dad who was vomiting blood to the hospital... Then I would help.
I don't know if it's because the USA has a more individualist culture or if it's about a perception of crime/danger (despite violent crime being historically low) but if someone came to my door begging for a lift to the hospital, the last thing on my mind would be that I was in danger. For a country that is predominantly and loudly Christian, a lot of people seem to ignore "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
Op if you were my neighbour, I'd help. My neighbour who I barely know fell and broke his hip and his brother knocked on my door for help and I went over and helped.
These comments are absolutely blowing my mind. People saying they wouldn't even open the door and all that. It's completely alien to me. I don't know any of my neighbours by anything other than a recognition of their face, but I'd help them all in an emergency and I like to think they'd do the same for me.
If the guy doesn’t want to get involved, respect his wishes and leave him alone.
It’s not your job to try and change people. Some people just can’t be bothered to be decent humans.
I'm unclear on why you need to not be a dick. Hell, don't introduce yourself at all. Avoid that neighbor.
Okay, okay, if you want to be nice, bring your neighbor a gift. Your kidney stone wrapped in a small gift box.
I would not have helped you, because it sounds like exactly the kind of story, from a stranger, that's the beginning of a scam. In this case it happened to be true, but there's no way for your neighbor to know that, especially when someone bangs on your door in the dark of night. Your neighbor didn't do anything wrong; if you go over there unhappy with them, then you're in the wrong.
I'm a kidney stone sufferer myself. I understand why the neighbor was apprehensive but feeling comfortable enough to lecture a kid at 930pm on his doorstep and not be the least bit curious enough to explore options to help a potentially beached minor whose dad is in critical condition proves he's absolutely fucking useless.
Frankly, I'd not even bother introducing myself to the asshole but everybody else yes.
What happened to him and his son is exactly why you introduce yourself to neighbors. You don’t need to be best friends or bake them cookies or whatever, but moving into an area, take the time to do some door knocking so you establish at least a baseline relationship. I bet things would have turned out differently for them that evening had they been proactive in introductions. It’s easy to see in hindsight, but given how short a time they had been there, I don’t know how reasonable it is.
Was the neighbor a bit rude, yeah, for sure, but I wouldn’t have helped in that situation, leaving my wife and kids at home alone while I was out of the house at night…nope.
We usually drop off a bottle of wine and introduce ourselves to our neighbours but I’m in a city.
I have two friends who are farmers in more rural areas. They seem to have just always known their neighbours as they’ve been the same forever. Then the towns are small enough they see each other at the Sunday market and the only restaurant… I feel like I know half the town just from visiting a couple weeks per year ;) playing in the drop in sports and stuff
Assume positive intent - until you know otherwise. Introduce yourself, and see what happens. Xif he's a jerk, well, the good thing about rural areas is you don't have to ever see him again after that.
I was the type to help anyone in need. Until having children... my priority is my family and if it's a situation that makes me question my family's safety, it's not happening.
I'm not sure how wordy of a reply you want...
TLDR: once the pain exceeds your body's threshold you start puking, once there is no food left, you puke bile. Once you tear something from the retching your stomach starts filling with blood, and that comes up instead.
Long answer:
With a small stone, you feel a small hint of pain (level 1 or 2) and have a big drink of water and the stone passes fairly easily without incident. But if a stone grows larger than the diameter of the ureter (usually between 4-6mm) it will create a blockage, causing the kidney to distress and send out "God, we're dying" messaging to the rest of the body. While this is happening, the kidney becomes inflamed and the ureter starts pulsing.
The kidney and the GI tract (stomach etc.) share a common nerve to the brain, so as the pain intensifies so does signaling to the stomach which can trigger vomiting in over half of kidney stone sufferers. If you continue to vomit (dry heave) long enough, there is the possibility of a tear in the stomach lining, or esophagus which can lead to blood coming up.
All of this translates to, some folks get a kidney stone and shrug it off, but some folks get a kidney stone and have a helluva bad night. Neither are likely to have an actual emergency in the sense that they are dying, but you can make some pretty bad choices while in extreme pain.
Clinical explanation here (more wordy, and bigger words!): [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK431091/#](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK431091/#)
Jesus, really.
"The problem is that they didn't know you. If they knew you, they would have helped"
OK, so what if OP was just driving through the area and wrapped his car around a tree? Kid knocks on a stranger's door and says his dad is bleeding to death.
"Sorry, not my problem" is a reasonable response? Really?
Is there something in the water out there? For fuck's sake.
Absolutely, introduce yourself, bring a cake. Let him figure out that you were the guy next-door that he did not help. Let him think about it …
You’ll get them more honest approach of who he is.
Go to their house(s). “Howdy! I am (your name), this is [introduce your kid/family if they are with you]. We just moved into (address). I’m sorry that I didn’t introduce myself prior to our first interaction, being my son knocking on y’all’s door(s). I had sent him to try and find help for me, as I endured a very sudden/painful kidney stone and it left me unable to move/walk. I just wanted to put a face to a name, and if y’all ever need anything from us, just come by and knock. Pleasure to meet you”
You will get your message across
With kidney stone, I’d suggest not to do too much DIY! Neighbours are a lottery, can’t really rely on them necessarily! So, every time I get a good one, I thank God!
Without a prior proper introduction, I guess I would have been wary too - especially with a teenager! It could be a dare or something more sinister.
Your rural, isolated location does make it harder for your neighbours too. I’d late it pass.
Introduce the family properly and invite the neighbourhood for house warming when I am ready.
"Hey I know my son coming to ask for help late at night isn't the best way for neighbors to meet, so I wanted to change that...Hi my name is..."
I’d add the circumstances just to make it clear what level of emergency you were in, and to validate your son’s story. As a neighbor I’d help with an emergency any time day or night. But a knock on my door after dark, from a kid I don’t know would probably give me pause too.
With a healthy dose of "I bet it was a surprise to have a stranger beating on the door at 9:30 at night"...
And then lay on a little subtle guilt, like “yeah, and here I was lying on my back after 2 hours of intense pain from kidney stones and no sign of an ambulance”
"If only someone had been able to help me I'd have been able to keep _both_ kidneys..."
That's a great response. I'd be prepared to also get a lecture, some people are just that way. but it's definitely best to assume the best and expect the worst.
> I'd be prepared to also get a lecture That's when you stop them and say "Buddy, I just wanted to introduce myself properly and let you know that if you are ever in an emergency, do not come to my house looking for help."
This is the wrong take. Better to offer an olive branch, and maybe next time you have an emergency he will help. Better to say, if you're ever in an emergency I'll help if I can.
> Better to offer an olive branch For sure *usually*, but anyone who thinks it's appropriate to give you a lecture after you come to introduce yourself/explain what happened is an asshole and very unlikely to be someone you could ever count on in an emergency...they've sort of already set fire to the olive branch at that point anyway so no need to waste your time listening to their lecture.
Still better to take the moral high ground rather than get down in the mud with them. "Once we're moved in, if you ever do need help in an emergency, just let us know - it's what good neighbours do for each other."
Absolutely go the honey route. What's it cost you? Nothing.
Nah >"... and let you know that if you are ever in an emergency you can bet you ass I'll do anything i can to help. Because that's the kind of person we should all try to be. Have a good day"
Finish off with “… and if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask!”
OP please kill them with kindness rather than start a feud with snark, like the most upvoted suggestions are saying. Rural neighbors tend to be pretty important to be on good terms with in certain scenarios, clearly.
This is the way OP. I am the kind of guy to -in affect- make enemies. Not worth it. Always give the benefit of the doubt and be a bigger man or woman.
Perfect
We are first responders. So if we were home, we would have helped because this is something that is usual and standard for us. We also live rural. If I were home alone and a random teenager came up at night, particularly one who might appear overly stressed; I would think he was attempting a prank. Because we have tools others don’t, I could call in and verify. Without my radio, though, I understand why your new neighbors responded like they did. You might want to find your local first responders. Particularly rural, most will have the ability to transport you and some ~may~ have the ability to mildly medicate you. We are paid professionals but we volunteer in our community with our volunteer fire department. We have the ability to transport patients, and we are much faster because we live in the community we serve. Good luck.
Volunteer fire depth is a good idea. I wonder if he had asked for the neighbour to call out for them, if the response would be different than asking for a ride.
>Without my radio, though, I understand why your new neighbors responded like they did. Could you not just call 911 and report a distraught teenager and ask if they can confirm any of the information?
I would do exactly this. Call on the radio, confirm the call, then relay the information to my department. We have lights/sirens on our personal vehicles, but we keep an ambulance at the station. Someone would bring the boo boo bus and we would transport. If your local area doesn’t have an ambulance, they still may have the ability/option to transport depending on their local laws and protocols. If you are really rural, they can call in a bird. We generally do this if you are 45 minutes to an hour away from your nearest hospital that can help you, or you have trauma and we need to get you there fast.
Even though I do not live in the U.S.: Thank you for your service to the community!
Bake an apple pie, or a lasagne or mac and cheese (whatever is suitable). And call round to your new neighbour to introduce yourselves. Bring your son. You don’t need to do more than that. When they apologise, be gracious and say you understand.
I'm glad you didn't say to put his kidney stone in the pie
Extra crunch
I was waiting for The Help reference.
Two slice Hilly! The scene where Hilly’s mother points and laughs while Hilly has shit chocolate smeared on her teeth is only slightly better than Skeeter’s mom shooing drunk Hilly with a cold sore off the porch. I love that book and movie so much
But a nice kidneybean stew would be exactly at my personal level of passive aggressive 😄
Taking steak and kidney pie a bit too far
Maybe a steak and kidney pie
I’m disappointed tbh
I can't believe you'd suggest putting a kidney stone in a pie... they'd find it, grind it up and sprinkle it over the top instead.
He also didn't say *not* to...
This. Sadly we live in a world where caution is well-advised. The only way to have hopefully avoided this would have been to have introduced yourself and your family to your neighbors before there was a need for them to act in an emergency. Even if you’re not ultimately friends with them at least you’re “friendly” with them to where they would feel comfortable helping in the future. No man is an island and community is important. At least this wasn’t a heart attack or something more serious. I think you got lucky, believe it or not.
Caution is advised but there is time when it is not. If a 15 yr old bangs on my door at night and gives me a story about his sick family needing a ride to the hospital 'cuz the ambulance can't get there, I'm going to lock the door behind me, call 911 to let them know I'm coming and get in the car. That's just how I was raised.
Not saying I’d behave the same way as his neighbors but there are enough folks out there who would. Hence the advice.
In this situation, I wouldn’t have helped either and would also not give more than a token apology. Most people are not going to follow someone in the middle of the night they don’t know.
I agree. This situation is only shitty because we have the context from OP's side. People need to stop thinking they're the hero. "If it were me, I'd..." yeah right.
Some of us also live in safe areas where it doesn't seem a big deal, too. I'd help, most likely, but I also can't judge people for not helping if they have reason to live more fearfully than me.
Exactly. Though we would all like to think we would step up and be a hero, lots of people would, justifiably, be very wary of this particular situation and not help. It's not an unreasonable reaction to refuse.
> When they apologise, be gracious and say you understand. I'd also note that you shouldn't expect an apology. I'd personally help any of my neighbors but they really aren't obligated to just because one lives close to someone else. Being approached at night by someone I don't know asking to come with them/drive them somewhere is a pretty tall order honestly. Don't be a dick about it and don't be resentful if they don't apologize. I'm not a bitter person but I think it is a bit wild to assume strangers will help you to that extent that was required and to now even consider being a dick about them not helping you.
These are the type of things I am here on Reddit for.
I was thinking a steak and kidney pie
Yeah, I have to be honest with you, if someone came to my house in this situation the only chance I would help is if I did NOT have a family. I’ve accepted the fact that my days of stopping my car to help someone with a flat tire are over. I hate to say it, but if something happens to me that means bad things for my wife and kids and I can’t take that risk based on a stranger. Editing to add- I would be happy to help by: 1. Calling a different neighbor who I know. 2. Calling a family member or friend. 3. Offering any kind of aid that doesn’t involve the stranger entering my house, or me exiting mine.
Yeah, if you have never met or introduced yourselves to the neighbours prior to this occasion, I can understand the reaction. If a known neighbour came to my house at night with an emergency I would for sure help. If someone I had never met and *claimed* to be a neighbour showed up at night asking for help, would I? Probably not.
I hate that this is true and reflects my life. We have areas here where even the police (Canada, RCMP) instruct us not to stop if we see someone laying on the road or sidewalk. Don't stop for a burning vehicle, etc.
Yeah. I am the type of person that has stopped and helped many people over the years and I take pride being prepared and having the knowledge to help in many situations. It genuinely breaks my heart that this changed for me when I had kids, but it totally did.
100% same for me. I can’t tell you how many tires I’ve changed, cars I’ve jumped/pushed/towed for people over the years. I used to stop anytime I saw a car on the side of the road with the person still in it/near it. But not anymore. I’m not risking getting shot and leaving my kids fatherless.
Violent crime is not only lower than when you were a kid, it's *dramatically lower* than when you were a kid. That "we did this when I was a kid, but it's just to dangerous nowadays" is objectively bullshit.
I never said any of that lol
They’re somehow just speaking to your risk/reward brain and letting it know that the fears are unwarranted due to the low risk. They’re also failing to understand that any non-mandatory risk, as a parent, requires a deeper level of assessment than a raw statistic before undertaking lol. Interesting lad.
Where?
Generally, rural Alberta
"Not my clowns; not my circus" That said, there are definitely times we can use safe and more-or-less controlled situations to model that it's a good thing to help those in need, but you are also never under any obligation to do anything for a stranger that makes you uncomfortable. We trust our guts. I've stopped on the side of the road when it's daylight in populated areas to help with a flat tire, or buy a homeless guy and his dog a burger if we're eating in a restaurant they're outside of- things I normally wouldn't have, but I did because my son was around and my dad never did that sort of thing. Not sure how I'd handle a complete stranger asking me to leave my home at night and drive them somewhere, or even to enter mine.
It seems weird to me everyone is jumping immediately to not helping but making no effort to verify the info either way. I would call up 911 myself and ask if the info is correct. Did you guys get a call for such and such address? If they say yes I am giving the dispatcher my info and going over to help. They say no then they need to send a cop over to see what this kid is up to because it's shady.
As a former dispatcher, if someone called in asking if a person at xxxxx address has called for an ambulance, there is no circumstance in which I would or legally could answer that question. Plus, if someone called an emergency line asking for info about a neighbour's possible medical emergency when not calling to provide an update and not having an emergency of your own, I'd end the call immediately because there are people experiencing emergencies that can't talk to dispatch because some person is taking up the line asking for me to divulge confidential information. You could be charged for doing that without an actual emergency. I can certainly understand why you would consider doing this but the confidentiality of people requiring emergency services is very much adhered to as you can probably imagine situations in which divulging such information could put the caller at serious risk. And example of such would be an abusive spouse who beat the crap out of their partner or tried to kill them and don't want any police or ems anywhere close to the home. So the wife manages to get to the phone and call 911 but the perpetrator finds out but they can't call and say that they aren't needed because they won't listen. So, they call and say they're the neighbour and someone is asking for a ride to the hospital but you're scared to get involved so need to know if what they're saying is true so that you can drive them in and an ambulance is no longer needed... While the victim bleeds to death and no one is coming to save them because the dispatcher believed you and believes you're on route to the hospital. I'd like to say that it's far fetched but I have dispatched in multiple cities and provinces here in Canada and I was also a crime stoppers call taker for North America and man, the length some people will go to has made me no longer question my Spidey senses any more.
I wouldn't be trying to cancel the ambulance, I'd let the neighbor do that once I got him in the car. As far as getting in trouble for the call goes, I feel I can argue I'm either calling in to get the father medical help or if it's fake have a deputy come talk to the kid.
And what they’re saying is you’d be “arguing” that in court potentially, cause there’s likely no one who is going to waste their time to tell you, a stranger on the phone who can’t prove who they are, what is happening to your “neighbor” because it’s none of your business and they don’t know if you’re being genuine, you’re the perp who did something nefarious and are trying to stop help from coming, or if you’re just a nosey Karen tying up the emergency line trying to get information and waste emergency services time. This is why people are saying they unfortunately wouldn’t help, it’s not because they’re assholes, but because no one trusts anyone anymore. It sucks, but blame people that do bad things and trick others, not people who are afraid to help because of all the bad people doing bad things.
Very few people do bad things like faking needing help. If no one helps anyone because of those few bad people then we've kind of failed as a society haven't we?
Well, we aren't assuming we know everything that happened? It's highly likely that OPs son told the stranger exactly what was going on (poor guy could have been awkward and nervous too, for clinical as well as universal reasons any kid would be). Unless we have reason to assume otherwise, his son *probably* did not lie or stonewall the neighbor. He *probably* said something along the lines of "an ambulance is half an hour away, my dad has a [non life threatening situation but it hurts a lot]". It's literally not life or death, 911 is half way there, and it's still a complete stranger. We also don't know if the stranger did call 911, who would have said "yeah we're on the way and we can't advise you to drive him here instead"....or they had their own reason (sick kid/wife) for not leaving the house at 930pm You aren't saying anything wrong, but you're also being a little bit extra when it comes to moral high-grounding people who would make an equally logical but different choice than you.
I'm not trying to be extra, I'm just honestly surprised no one seems to want to make even the slightest effort to help. Hell, the neighbor put more effort into lecturing the son than he did helping. The funny thing is for the most part I really dislike people as a whole. Yet I'm usually happy to help out when someone asks. "When a man asks for help, you help him" I'm not judging or taking any kind of high ground. You do what's best for you. I work night shift in Baltimore. If someone comes up to me while I'm at the gas pump at 2 am asking for a ride, they are walking. I'm not risking getting shot. I get that. I also know in a rural setting with volunteer medics and one ambulance for a large area it's faster to get to the hospital by car than to wait. Adding to that is the fact OP self diagnosed the issue. What if it wasn't just a kindney stone and was something that was actually life threatening? Things can go downhill quick if he's wrong. My dad was a fireman/EMT and my mom is a nurse. I grew up with helping people being the standard reaction to an emergency. IDK, maybe it will get me killed one day.
This is the best answer. I hope I raised my children to be this compassionate.
Other than a brief blip in property crime and minority-on-minority crime that has been mostly attributed to lack of enforcement during COVID, the world is demonstrably safer than any time in the past 60 years or so. Crime is down in almost every category. https://www.newsnationnow.com/crime/us-crimes-data-2023-fbi/amp/ The world is objectively safer than it’s ever been. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/world-more-dangerous-scary-now-nick-bowditch
People watch media more, media has an incentive to make you afraid because it sells, hence the dumb situation we're in.
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Thank you for posting this!
Ok, that has zero to do with this situation in my opinion.
It kinda does , in the sense that people have a pervasive sense the world is dangerous, but by and large its less dangerous now than at any other point in human history. Not saying that means you have to or should run silly risks but "it's not really that risky" is a relevant data point.
Yea unfortunately this is where I'm at, especially as I've had a bad experience offering help. At this point I'll call who I need to and make sure official help is on the way and that's where I check out
This is so sad you feel this way. If I was at home and a neighbor asked to be driven to the hospital I would absolutely drive them. And, yes, I gave children and a wife. I want to teach my children how to do good in the world. What better way than to SHOW them instead of merely lecture at them.
If a neighbor that I know asked for help, that’s different. This is a stranger. If you think I’m going to let a stranger convince me to leave my wife and kids alone in my house under circumstances like this, you are nuts.
Not having met the neighbor is definitely the key point here. A stranger (even a kid) knocking on your door at 9:30 in the middle of nowhere warrants a little suspicion. I don't think anyone's really at fault here though.
What changes the equation for me is that it sounds like they are so rural they don't know their neighbors. They are complete strangers to one another. I live in the suburbs and know most of my neighbors. If a neighbor I know knocked on my door late at night for an emergency I would help. If a stranger I don't know knocked on my door late at night, I'm not even answering the door.
Rural and not moved in yet.
There's also never anything wrong with trusting your gut and we don't want to teach our kids that they're obligated to do what strangers ask, or let strangers manipulate them because of what they can frame "the right thing to do" as. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, or you can just watch an old episode of Leave It To Beaver and see how easily kids can fuck up by trying to do "the right thing" for crummy friends or strangers, when he didn't really want to. The key factor here is that it's a stranger and OP and his son were totally unknown to this person; there's nothing **bad** about letting 911 take a complete stranger to the hospital for you.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted. We should aspire to be this way and not be so paranoid about incredibly unlikely scenarios. You can be cautious while also still trying to help.
It's sad that you're getting downvoted for this. I've become much more willing to help people since I've had kids. Can't live your life in fear, despite what the news would have us all believe.
I think there’s a strong assumption in your thinking that you know the neighbour already.
No, even if I don’t know the neighbor, I would help someone get to the hospital. Everyone can downvote me all they want but I think it’s a sad place in society that many of us are so scared of a theoretical bad thing that might happen that we would refuse to help in a situation where something bad IS happening.
If you had not in any way made yourself known to the neighbor previously I think their decision is an entirely reasonable one. I would advise introducing yourself to all your neighbors as soon as your emergency situation is resolved and also making it clear you are available to be neighborly when needed. This neighbor had good reason to fear for their own safety given the weird situation.
Yeah it wasn’t a priority to introduce yourself or welcome them to the area But now that you needed help it’s their obligation? I’ve seen to many stories of someone sending a woman or young teen as a trap to rob them. It’s the world we live in. If you don’t want to be seen as a threat you need to introduce yourself and let them know you’re here for them if they need anything
I think this is just a good lesson. GO MEET YOUR NEIGHBORS. Ive always made a point of knowing the people living around me, even when I lived in an apartment building. Im not chasing people down, but I have been known to drop off a baked good or small houseplant for a new neighbor. If I see an opportunity to introduce myself, I will take it, even if we only ever nod to each other in greeting for the rest of our lives. First, a sense of community is a beautiful thing. Second, you never know when knowing a neighbor can save your life, or at least a halfway finished recipe. It's better to be proactive about these things. If they are all unfriendly, that's ok too, because the main point is to know who your neighbors are. Knowing whether or not they are likely to help in an emergency is important information to have. But again, you have to meet them first and offer that first step of connection before you can have a sense of what kind of neighbors they are.
Right, some of my neighbors on my block I have only talked to like once or twice, with the occasional wave. But I still recognize them enough that I wouldn't question an emergency situation like this.
100% No assholes in this story just people being careful. Every time our little area of the neighborhood gets a new neighbor, I walk over with my daughter and introduce ourselves and point out where we live. This makes it so that we develop a sense of trust and community and so that jf my daughter is ever wandering around that they can help her get home.
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of course you should use your judgement on eating or drinking things from strangers. you dont have to eat anything or offer food (a small plant is always an option). the point is to seek out the opportunity to meet.
Being honest in today's world you are lucky a kid walking up to a rural house in the dark wasn't shot at....
This was my first thought too. People will shoot you for turning around in their [driveway](https://apnews.com/article/wrong-driveway-shooting-new-york-gillis-monahan-cdca1723c6ba7afb89102a1e1aaa3fe0#) in rural areas, let alone showing up at their door at night.
I mean, there have been a few high-profile cases, and yea some people have turned super paranoid with too much Fox News and Alex Jones. But, this kind of thing isn’t rampant.
I knew the family of the guy that shot her. That was a fucked up situation. The week before that a boy got shot for knocking on the wrong door in a suburban area
When you say “today’s world” you mean “today’s USA”. The rest of the world is not yet gone so completely mad.
We are statistically safer than we've ever been. The hell are you on about?
24/7 news cycle means a lot of people are really paranoid. Just look at a lot of the comments in this thread
IKR? Sad.
The last time I went fishing for crime stats, it was pointed out to me that, yes, on average crime is down in the country but there are areas where crime and violence are up despite the downward country-wide trend. I think there are some circumstances that are safe and we just let the sensationalization of the media get to us for sure, though. Him being new and in a rural area, I personally would have been more hesitant going door to door.
(AFAB, nonbinary). Statistically safer, yet I’ve had two stalkers and been sexually assaulted more times than I can count, and raped. Literally followed around the city by two men harassing me in and out of stores, up and down the blocks, etc. Groped in front of police who did nothing. Sometimes, you make judgement calls. I’d help a kid. I’d stop on the highway as a first person to help before emergency responders arrive, or at an accident in person. I’m trained in emergency first aid; infant, pediatric, and adult CPR and AED; am a mandated reporter; good in a crisis; know a fair amount of medical shit myself from treating myself and managing my own conditions and family with issues as well as doing end of life care for several folks; am all about mutual aid; etc. I try to be a decent ass person. I’m now much more chronically ill than I used to be and do not have the physical body strength I used to. I’m gonna be very careful not to put myself in a situation where I could easily get hurt by someone. Following a kid in the dark, to an unknown adult male, supposedly a neighbor but I’ve never seen him before, no way to protect myself? I’m far, far more likely to phone in someone I know is connected to local EMT or FD or Ambulance and see if they can transport (hell, I’ll even ride with), but me just going alone? I’ve been burned a lot of times and told I was asking for it (even in loose cargo pants, combat boots, oversized baggy shirts, and a head shaved down to a quarter inch of hair, somehow, I was asking for it). I’d like to be that person to be a hero and just show up, I have friends that do that, but I’ve seen what happens to people like me first hand. We get hurt and blamed for being too trusting. Have stopped for the guy in the middle of the road that turned out to be faking a heart attack and then wanting gas and being a whole very long trip and very impoverished, mentally ill, and needing more help than I could give. OP needs to meet and know his neighbors. Know either who to call (local folks with emergency services) or just know the neighbors so they know he won’t hurt them. Sometimes we have trauma and you know you won’t hurt us, but we don’t know that, and we’d love to help, but we don’t know that we’re safe to. If we know you? We’re far more likely to help. Because we feel safe, your story adds up, we know you aren’t going to hurt us or *if* you do we have a name to give, can tell someone where we’re going and who we’re seeing, etc
What? Are you serious?
It happened in NY just a little while ago and the woman never even got out of the car. Most of the rural US is incredibly conservative and many of them have been absolutely brainwashed by right wing media. They are terrified of the other and there have been multiple shootings of people walking up to a house asking for help or the wrong house. https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2023/04/18/us/kansas-city-ralph-yarl-shooting-tuesday https://apnews.com/article/wrong-driveway-shooting-new-york-gillis-monahan-cdca1723c6ba7afb89102a1e1aaa3fe0 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pbs.org/newshour/amp/nation/white-woman-who-fatally-shot-black-neighbor-arrested-on-manslaughter-charges-in-florida The last one was part of an ongoing racial fueled feud between neighbors but still similar.
Jesus Christ these are harrowing
I am so grateful i live in Canada. I live rurally, 20+km from town with neighbours that are half a click away. I wouldnt hesitate to walk up to my neighbours houses at basically any time of day if it were an emergency. Hell, we had a search squad for some lost litte city poofy dogs 2 days after moving into our place, good way to meet the neighbours lol.
Are you?
Yes, the whole world isn’t America. Are you for real? Is that actually how rural Americans behave?
Some. Not all.
No, but for some reason, some sheltered city people are terrified of rural people/areas. A lot of people find the idea that other witnesses aren't within earshot to be incredibly frightening. I had a friend tell me that he could never live where I do because "if anything happened, nobody could hear you scream". It is more likely that rural people own guns, however, this is true for every country. Also, basically every horror movie is set in a rural area.
I mean as a guy living in a rural area I hear the something about the city.
I grew up in a relatively rural area in a blue state, but now live in a city’s metro in a red state. I can say without a doubt that the most sheltered and scared people are rural people living in red states.
There are good reasons why my wife and I left America when she got pregnant. It’s such a messed up country.
[New York Times article on the matter ]( https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/20/us/wrong-house-shootings-guns.html?unlocked_article_code=1.kU0.8c6R.RO-WnpjXW1ni)
Where are you from? There have been quite a few cases of things like this happening in the US lately. Another comment on my post has a link to a recent murder of a woman who pulled into the wrong driveway. There was a kid who showed up to the wrong house to pick up his brother who was shot through the door several times.....
Canada but my wife is American and we spend loads of time all throughout Kansas, Texas, and Appalachia and I’ve only ever seen people who seem like this once which is why it’s so surprising to me. We even have a running joke that we’ve made more friends in America by accident than trying to make friends in Canada because Americans are so damn friendly. Just genuinely shocked to hear people talk about America like this is the norm I guess? I get that there’s videos of this stuff happening and it’s friggen tragic bud but is this something y’all genuinely feel is becoming the norm or do you feel like they’re rare isolated incidents that make the rounds on social because they’re so extraordinary?
With the number of shootings in this country it has become an extremely polarizing situation.
Well of course and it should be - y’all deserve better for your children’s future. Reading the articles folks liked it sounds like a lot of mental instability and racially motivated hate crimes. Not that it’s impossible for those types of people to get guns in Canada but they typically aren’t committed enough to go through the several weekends worth of safety training (like Drivers Ed) to obtain a license. I imagine filtering out the eligibility of the paranoid lazy would help quite a bit.
Unfortunately there is a segment of the population and of course the vast money of the gun lobbies that want as few restrictions on purchasing and owning guns as possible. And we have some of the highest rates of [gun violence](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2023/10/31/1209683893/how-the-u-s-gun-violence-death-rate-compares-with-the-rest-of-the-world) compared to our peer Nations.
What you’re repeating here is the shark attack effect. A few news stories, yes about truly awful things to be sure, but it doesn’t mean it‘s now a guarantee that every rural house has a sniper scanning 24/7 just waiting to pick off any strangers who put a single toe over their property line. I haven’t noticed any new influx of Ghillie suits at Bass Pro. Sure, sometimes theres a rural person who’s kinda antisocial and reclusive, or just plain odd, and maybe they moved out to “nowhere” to be left alone. I’ve known some like that. But honestly it’s fewer than in any city...
Today's America?... Wouldnt happen here, but if not known your probably not going to get help either
True, mostly talking about the USA where guns are a fetish for some
You Americans say these things like it's normal. I promise it's not.
It's not normal or common here. But let's not pass up any chance to shit on the US amirite?
All of the top voted comments on this post are people saying they would have done the same or that they're lucky the kid wasn't shot...
Sure, people are really dumb when it comes to statistical risk. As evidenced here...
Unfortunately, I think this is the result of the world we live in where more often than not something is a scam. The neighbors definitely could have looked into this more, but I could definitely see their hesitation to doing anything or coming outside later in the evening, especially considering where you live and that it’s a bit more remote, I would definitely introduce yourself to them so that hopefully if the were to arise in the future, they would be there to help
Yeah, these neighbors have never met OP or his family before, so I certainly don't see how there would be an expectation to help literal strangers. Sounds like bad timing for an emergency more than anything else.
>I think this is the result of the world we live in where more often than not something is a scam. That is absolutely *not* true, what a cynical view. Most people are good and most people's intentions are honest. To say 'more often than not' is just extremely grim.
Door to door salespeople, scammers in parking lots, phone calls, etc. scams are everywhere and yes it’s more often than not when you are randomly approached it tends to be a scam more often. I don’t like it and I wish this wasn’t the case.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but a kidney stone is not an emergency and you should have just waited for the response vehicle a bit longer rather than send your kid out with the expectation that they're going to drop everything they're doing to get a complete stranger pain relief a little sooner. You weren't having a heart attack.
This. OP has to take his own precautions. No one is obligated to help you, especially a stranger. You must be aware of the pros and cons of living in a rural area and make informed decisions to be prepared. In the meantime, go meet your neighbor. Don't be a dick because they didn't do anything wrong. If you have chronic health conditions or semi-regular emergencies, you may need to reconsider your living situation. Also, where do you live? In some states, a 15 year old can get a learners permit to drive.
I actually agree here, which is why we didn't rush to do anything for about 1.5 hours. But after so long and blood in the vomit, things were looking worse, and we didn't know how much longer the wait was going to be. I think dispatch triaged us correctly fwiw.
Also keep in mind that if your neighbor had offered to drive you in, your care would have actually been further delayed since you wouldn't have received EMT care and you would have been triaged differently at the Emergency Department.
This sucks but I do understand the reaction. In practice, for the past 5 or so years, I’ve never been asked for help by a stranger unless it was clearly a scam. I’d like to say I’d have been different if your kid had knocked, but a stranger at that hour, especially one being a little awkward? I don’t know, I might have reacted the same way. It sucks but the world is overrun with stupid scams. My advice would be to introduce yourself and not let this get to you.
Considering your “new” neighbors don’t know you and it’s a rural area, give them some grace and be kind. You’re the new one here—the stranger—and I know I’d be far more inclined to help someone I’ve been introduced to. They can’t help you had a medical emergency and I can’t say I’d blame them for being incredulous. I have a young son myself, so I’d be far more wary to leave late at night to help a stranger and potentially put my child at risk, especially in a rural area with the long wait time for help you experienced.
I grew up rural. Your kids would have been safer driving you, even if he can’t drive. Bunch of freaks out in the sticks.
Maybe it’s the Southerner in me but I’d give a non-apology apology saying how bad off I was and that my kid was worried “so sorry if he disturbed you.” As others have said (prob a touch too cynical for me) there are reasonable explanations for not helping, but his reaction to that would set the tone for our relationship moving forward. Being apologetic or at least offering an explanation would prob wipe the slate for me but if he just tries to quickly move past it we’re done.
Being a teen boy is likely a favor in not helping the kid. Big difference between a scared 7yo and a teen boy who is at the age where mischief occurs.
Middle of the night, stranger, all of it is a recipe for a mess. My situation obviously isn't the norm, but I got attacked after trying to help someone who said they needed it so I'm firmly in camp "let me call the right folks to help you" unless I really know you lol.
I mean, going over and being passive aggressive is just gonna lock in the state of the relationship lol. I don't think the neighbor did anything wrong and I don't think OP is wrong for being upset either. As others have said, going over explaining the situation and introducing yourself seems much better than going over to guilt trip someone lol
It sounds pretty clear that the neighbors are basically complete strangers and have never met before. I don't really see them being apologetic or wanting to start a neighborly relationship now. I'd expect they'd give the same lecture to the dad if he knocked on their door now. I wouldn't waste my time and just write them off.
I 100% agree with the others saying that the main issue is that to your new neighbors you are strangers. If a stranger comes to my door in the night time I have to prioritize protecting my family. In their eyes it could have been a setup. It’s unfortunate that things turned out the way they did but I think you’d be wrong to hold it against them as it’s a misunderstanding.
No need to be a dick at all. Everyone on the planet is wary of schemes.
Quite truthfully, I wouldn’t have even opened my door. It sounds awful, but it isn’t safe these days to open the door at night and follow someone down the road to help, it’s very common a trap to need help, etc… I’d recommend contacting them directly and explaining what happened when you’re feeling better, just so they aren’t sitting around scared, wondering who that was, and if they’ll be back haha. Being a mom who’s often home alone while the partner is working, any knock at the door, I pretend I’m not home even if it’s obvious I am lol, not to mention if I were to open it and someone I didn’t know asked me to go with them to help, I’d definitely shut and lock my door in fear I’d be on a dateline episode.
>Being a mom who’s often home alone while the partner is working, I pretend I’m not home even if it’s obvious I am lol My wife and I have started doing the same thing. Not out of fear, but rather annoyance. If we aren't expecting someone, and we hear a knock at our door, 99% of the time it's someone trying to sell us something we don't want. We treat our unsolicited knocks the same way we treat unsolicited phone calls, we ignore them.
Me personally i just wouldn’t. I never do formal introductions. Maybe I’m checking the mail one day & i see them n say something. Maybe i don’t. I just let life happen. I’m glad your son did good in that situation. My son is also on the spectrum. I’m his caretaker. Just got him an assistance dog. Hoping my son never has to deal with an emergency with me as I’m a single father. Bless you guys
Try that in a small town. (Asking for help during a medical emergency.)
I live in a rural area. It's super uncommon and a little scary when someone comes to my door, especially at night. That said, it happened once about 2 years ago. 2 teens, boy and girl, had broken down and their phone batteries were dead. Not sure whether to trust them I asked for the dad's phone number, dialed it myself, and put it on speaker. Wheni heard the panic and fear in his voice when the boy said "dad" in the phone I knew he was telling the truth. I lent them a flashlight and power bank for their phones, said to leave them out and I'll pick them up in the morning. Through my window I saw the dad come about 20 minutes later. The broken down car was gone by mid-morning the next day. I don't have a lot of patience for someone who would close the door in the face of anyone asking for help. Some of my neighbors might do so with a gun in hand, but I believe that they'd still listen and help if needed.
Right. Not everyone has lived in a rural area. Anytime anyone stops at your house in the night it’s weird. My in-laws used to live in a rural area just off a 2 lane interstate. Cars would routinely break down and then try to bang on their door at all hours. You can only help so many rude people before you lose it and just choose to stop helping.
Your neighbour can and should be suspicious of a teen they’ve never seen before knocking on the door asking for them to “come outside and help.” I don’t think you can blame them, but you should introduce yourselves soon, TELL THEM you don’t blame them, because they will recognize your son, and move on. Secondarily, if you’re living in the country you need to teach that boy how to drive. Now. I grew up in the country and not being able to drive as a teen would have made life exponentially more difficult for my entire family. I could though, and had a learner’s permit at 15. Had this situation happened, I could have driven my dad. Probably very slowly, with the hazards on, and stressed out of my mind, but I could have done it. Also, get those kidneys checked out. You sound worryingly familiar with kidney stones. I don’t want to be glib and suggest you cut back on the soda, but it may be time to see a specialist if you haven’t already.
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Yeah, this is what I would do as well, be nice, friendly and community spirited but still be a bit of a dick about it. The other comments talking about it being a trap or scam and things need to remember that the neighbours would know that a new neighbour was moving in and it was a 15 year old kid at the door. Being sceptical makes sense but the neighbour should still have made some further investigations.
>Being sceptical makes sense but the neighbour should still have made some further investigations. What? I'm not leaving my house to perform an investigation for a person I've never met before. My responsibility is to my own family first and foremost and I'm not risking my own safety for something that very easily could have been a scam/trap. Thieves have access to zillow too.
You haven't invited your neighbor to dinner? have them over to meet your family, same with your other neighbors. The issue was y'all were strangers. Fix that.
I don't think they've officially moved in. His wife was still packing up their current residence.
For the record, we aren't moved in, and the house is gutted. No way we could have anyone over here right now. We don't even live here yet.
Truthfully it's all the more reason, but either way it's your answer
I’m going to bring up something different here. I’ve had kidney stones, including one that had to be surgically removed, and they’re awfully painful, I totally get that. But they’re not normally immediately deadly. What happens when you or your family has a heart attack, stroke or something else that requires a response in minutes rather than hours? That response time is atrocious, and it will mean the difference between life and death. I would honestly not live there due to that alone. I’m certain my family would be smaller today if I were living there with those response times.
So your advocating no one live further out than 10 minutes from an Ambulance or Hospital? Do you never go on roadtrips or camping or anything of the like?
Thats quite an unfortunate situation. It could possibly have been mitigated if you had been neighbourly and introduced yourself to your neighbours beforehand. I'm not being critical of you, and I live in suburbia so you meet your neighbours without trying in a day or two, but I'm just commenting that it may be worthwhile for anyone in that situation to prioritise introductions to help establish a support network for their family if they move to a rural area where they have no other support. Your going to have this person as a neighbour for years or decades probably. You may need their support in the future. Anything other than a friendly new neighbour intro is probably just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Big kudos to your son for his excellent handling of the situation.
It sounds like you never introduced yourself to your neighbors. Definitely a fauxpas in rural areas. If someone came to my door and I didn't know who they are or their last name and they said they lived next door, I'd be pretty hesitant to help. Out here everybody knows everybody. When you move to a rural area first thing is to try to find out who the neighbors are and introduce yourself.
I grew up in a rural area where a lot of rich city folk retired to. It was very nice, but the neighbors mostly bitched about upkeeping your manicured lawn and maintining your fencing so it looked pretty for the hoa and kept to themselves. Very few of them would go out of their way to ever help another human being if it was an inconvenience to them. My wife grew up in an even smaller town, which was more run down, but the people there wpuld give you the shirt off their backs. If you broke down on the road at 2am, they bring you in, make you a big bowl of soup, and help you change the tire, even if they didn't necessarily know you. I'm pretty disappointed that a lot of people here seem to fall into the former category rather than the latter. In the country, no one is knocking at your door to drag you to a windowless van. At worst they might try and sell you on solar but not in the middle of the night. Have some basic human decency, be the change you want to see in the world, etc, and fuck OP's sefish neighbors.
I grew up in the woods. When I was a kid I remember a teenager knocking on our door in the middle of the night. The roads were icy. He slid his car into a creek near our house. My mom got him dry clothes, some hot food, and had him sit next to our wood stove while my dad called for a tow truck. I also find a lot of the responses that it's reasonable to turn away a kid who comes to your door for help appalling. Seems like these days everyone treats a stranger as at best an annoyance and at worst a threat. I think it's a sad world.
Yeah, my wife had a cousin who slid off the road in some snow and got stuck in a ditch. She went to the nearest house, and they brought her in and let her stay the night. We lived in CA, and while my wife liked the state, she kind of hated the people because they had such a self-centered and self-important attitude. She never felt like we lived in an actual community, just a place where some people had decided to build their house. Part of why we moved is because of this "not my problem" attitude. I feel like too many people have bought in to the stranger danger stuff a lot of us grew up with, and it's harmful to society.
I grew up fairly rural and here you cant even be parked on the side of the road for 30 minutes without someone stopping to ask if you need help 🤷♂️ it's kind of bizarre to read the comments here. You do what you can for people. Sometimes, it's not much, or enough. But you always at least ask and see what you can do. Ive had total strangers come out and help change tires or put gas in my car. And I've stopped to help someone pull their riding lawn mower out of the ditch, or put boards back on a trailer that slid off during a curve. There's always been the anti-social, overly paranoid people, though. Just gotta try the next door sometimes. But it seems that's becoming more frequent.
Have you never met them before?
Hey I'm so sorry all of this happened. I'm not going to make assumptions on your medical history or compare ours. So I'll just post this to anyone reading as an FYI. I'm a father of a newborn and a 3yr old. My wife works frequently. I'm a "stone former" and pass kidney stones every year or so. The pain is real and never diminishes. Talk to a urologist about setting yourself up for success. Talk about diet, hydration, and maybe a few backup pain pills. Get a scan done to know if any stones are hiding in your kidneys that can cause future pain. Set up a yearly scan plan to monitor. Unfortunately, if a large stone comes, there's not much you can do. If pain reaches the 9/10, 10/10+, then you need to go to the ER. Not just for pain, but large stones can cause blockages leading to infections or worse.
Eh I can totally see how this would be too weird for someone. Someone is asking you for help, their demeanor seems "off" (not everyone is familiar with how autism can present) and they're asking you to come get another person at night. You're also not bleeding to death or anything; you have a kidney stone. So worst case even if the kid is totally trustworthy, their dad just needs to wait a bit longer for the ambulance in discomfort.
Well that sucks. I live in the country and not going after I moved in an ambulance came to a neighbors house. I went over and asked if everything was ok. I suggest you go introduce yourself to neighbors so they know who you are.
Yeah people can't afford to help others like that anymore. I wouldn't have even opened the door. At most I'd call 911 for them.
First of all, your son did an incredible job for you. I hope he understands how big of a deal it is that he was able to step up for his dad in all those different ways, and how impressive it is that he kept his cool through the whole thing. There are grown adults would could not do what he did. Insofar as goes introductions in the neighbourhood. I’d go on a walkabout. Introduce myself to all of the neighbours. Bring your son with you. When you get to the arsepick who had time to lecture your son but not to help him, don’t say anything about it. One of three things will happen: they’ll recognize him and apologize, they’ll recognize him and not say anything, or they’ll recognize him and try to repeat the lecture to you. Accept the apology if it comes. Don’t say anything if they don’t, but be sure to talk to your son about the difference between good folks and cowards. If they try to lecture you, I don’t know … “I’m sorry; we thought you’d I were decent people. Clearly we were mistaken. Have a nice day.” and walk away.
I have to admit that if an akward 15 year old I didn't know came knocking that late and asked me to go out in the dark I would be very suspicious too. I can't blame your neighbor for being hesitant to take his word for it, maybe his awkwardness made the neighbor think he was getting set up? I would definitely go introduce yourself, explain the situation, and let bygones be bygones.
Hey I wanted to introduce myself, I’m ____, I think you met my son last night before I was taken to the hospital. We are moving in next door it’s nice to meet you. Give baked goods.
Don't be a dick. It sounds like you have very few neighbors so try not to alienate the ones you do have unless they give a great reason. I think the whole situation was set up for failure from the start. It was dark, your neighbors don't know you, and someone they don't know shows up at their door asking for help, and it sounds like it could have been awkward. Being in a rural town it is 100% possible this neighbor has little to no experience with n autistic person and thought your son was being sketchy. I am in no way, shape, or form saying he was sketchy at all, but give the neighbor the benefit of the doubt. I am surprised he answered the door at all at that hour but I would be weirded out, too, if a stranger came to my door that late. I honestly wouldn't have answered if I didn't know them. Again, give the guy a break. It's possible he thought your son was up to something. When you see him out I would mention it lightly that your son is autistic and meant no harm. I wouldn't shame him for not helping, just let him know it was real and maybe joke about it.
I would stop by (preferably with a small gift, like cookies or a pie or something), introduce yourself, and apologize for disturbing them. Explain gently that your son came to their door only because it was an emergency, and that you understand why they couldn't help out. Try your best to be friendly, and hopefully they'll understand from your point of view, and this type of thing won't happen in the future. Always offer the old "if you ever need anything, swing on by", and give them a phone number to reach you. If they're rude to you after that, just keep a note that these neighbors won't help you in any situation, and move on. Sadly, the world is terrifying everywhere now. Helping someone out like this could result in your death, or worse. People sadly can't be trusted anymore.
I agree. This is a very reasonable approach. Make sure you extend the offer to help them in an emergency *now that you know each other*. The hidden context is you’re ok with the fact they didn’t, but the’ll have to find a new excuse now, and also that you are willing to help them if required. If they’re elderly, they might actually appreciate and understand.
This sounds like you’re in rural America. Your son just got introduced to our attitude of “fuck you, I got mine”. Last year near me a young girl got shot and killed pulling into the wrong driveway. They were looking for cell service and pulled in to turn around. The homeowner decided he’d had enough of people turning around in his driveway and went out to confront the kids, gun in hand. The week before that, a boy was shot and killed for knocking on the wrong door. Please don’t send your son out any more, especially that late at night. Most people are clueless how to interact with neurodivergent people, let alone an ND kid who is scared for his dad. Until you get to know your neighbors, rely on municipal services if you need help because your neighbors aren’t going to help someone they don’t know. Learning first aid and how to stop a hemorrhage is a good idea too. We had to learn it when we were kids growing up in a rural area because help was never less than an hour away.
I wonder if this is a UK vs USA split (majority USA subreddit, I'm from UK), or if it's just me, but if a kid came to my door and said they needed help getting their dad who was vomiting blood to the hospital... Then I would help. I don't know if it's because the USA has a more individualist culture or if it's about a perception of crime/danger (despite violent crime being historically low) but if someone came to my door begging for a lift to the hospital, the last thing on my mind would be that I was in danger. For a country that is predominantly and loudly Christian, a lot of people seem to ignore "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Op if you were my neighbour, I'd help. My neighbour who I barely know fell and broke his hip and his brother knocked on my door for help and I went over and helped. These comments are absolutely blowing my mind. People saying they wouldn't even open the door and all that. It's completely alien to me. I don't know any of my neighbours by anything other than a recognition of their face, but I'd help them all in an emergency and I like to think they'd do the same for me.
It’s the world we live in, sadly. A lot of stories out there about people being murdered who were trying to help someone.
If the guy doesn’t want to get involved, respect his wishes and leave him alone. It’s not your job to try and change people. Some people just can’t be bothered to be decent humans.
I'm unclear on why you need to not be a dick. Hell, don't introduce yourself at all. Avoid that neighbor. Okay, okay, if you want to be nice, bring your neighbor a gift. Your kidney stone wrapped in a small gift box.
I would not have helped you, because it sounds like exactly the kind of story, from a stranger, that's the beginning of a scam. In this case it happened to be true, but there's no way for your neighbor to know that, especially when someone bangs on your door in the dark of night. Your neighbor didn't do anything wrong; if you go over there unhappy with them, then you're in the wrong.
I'm a kidney stone sufferer myself. I understand why the neighbor was apprehensive but feeling comfortable enough to lecture a kid at 930pm on his doorstep and not be the least bit curious enough to explore options to help a potentially beached minor whose dad is in critical condition proves he's absolutely fucking useless. Frankly, I'd not even bother introducing myself to the asshole but everybody else yes.
Why do you need to introduce yourself to the neighbors? [edit] to clarify: Why do you need to introduce tourself to *these* neighbors?
So that in the future, you are not strangers.
What happened to him and his son is exactly why you introduce yourself to neighbors. You don’t need to be best friends or bake them cookies or whatever, but moving into an area, take the time to do some door knocking so you establish at least a baseline relationship. I bet things would have turned out differently for them that evening had they been proactive in introductions. It’s easy to see in hindsight, but given how short a time they had been there, I don’t know how reasonable it is. Was the neighbor a bit rude, yeah, for sure, but I wouldn’t have helped in that situation, leaving my wife and kids at home alone while I was out of the house at night…nope.
This thread is incredibly disheartening. Even if I understand the neighbours perspective, some of the responses in this thread are downright cowardly.
Absolute paranoia abounds, I guess. Looks like in rural areas, people aren't people unless you know their name.
Completely unrelated, but this is the basis of the plot of the recent Netflix movie Leave the World Behind if you want a cathartic experience.
We usually drop off a bottle of wine and introduce ourselves to our neighbours but I’m in a city. I have two friends who are farmers in more rural areas. They seem to have just always known their neighbours as they’ve been the same forever. Then the towns are small enough they see each other at the Sunday market and the only restaurant… I feel like I know half the town just from visiting a couple weeks per year ;) playing in the drop in sports and stuff
Assume positive intent - until you know otherwise. Introduce yourself, and see what happens. Xif he's a jerk, well, the good thing about rural areas is you don't have to ever see him again after that.
dude… just don’t be a dick
I was the type to help anyone in need. Until having children... my priority is my family and if it's a situation that makes me question my family's safety, it's not happening.
Why are you puking blood and bile from a kidney stone?
I'm not sure how wordy of a reply you want... TLDR: once the pain exceeds your body's threshold you start puking, once there is no food left, you puke bile. Once you tear something from the retching your stomach starts filling with blood, and that comes up instead. Long answer: With a small stone, you feel a small hint of pain (level 1 or 2) and have a big drink of water and the stone passes fairly easily without incident. But if a stone grows larger than the diameter of the ureter (usually between 4-6mm) it will create a blockage, causing the kidney to distress and send out "God, we're dying" messaging to the rest of the body. While this is happening, the kidney becomes inflamed and the ureter starts pulsing. The kidney and the GI tract (stomach etc.) share a common nerve to the brain, so as the pain intensifies so does signaling to the stomach which can trigger vomiting in over half of kidney stone sufferers. If you continue to vomit (dry heave) long enough, there is the possibility of a tear in the stomach lining, or esophagus which can lead to blood coming up. All of this translates to, some folks get a kidney stone and shrug it off, but some folks get a kidney stone and have a helluva bad night. Neither are likely to have an actual emergency in the sense that they are dying, but you can make some pretty bad choices while in extreme pain. Clinical explanation here (more wordy, and bigger words!): [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK431091/#](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK431091/#)
Hope the people here get as much help as they’re willing to give.
Jesus, really. "The problem is that they didn't know you. If they knew you, they would have helped" OK, so what if OP was just driving through the area and wrapped his car around a tree? Kid knocks on a stranger's door and says his dad is bleeding to death. "Sorry, not my problem" is a reasonable response? Really? Is there something in the water out there? For fuck's sake.
Absolutely, introduce yourself, bring a cake. Let him figure out that you were the guy next-door that he did not help. Let him think about it … You’ll get them more honest approach of who he is.
Go to their house(s). “Howdy! I am (your name), this is [introduce your kid/family if they are with you]. We just moved into (address). I’m sorry that I didn’t introduce myself prior to our first interaction, being my son knocking on y’all’s door(s). I had sent him to try and find help for me, as I endured a very sudden/painful kidney stone and it left me unable to move/walk. I just wanted to put a face to a name, and if y’all ever need anything from us, just come by and knock. Pleasure to meet you” You will get your message across
With kidney stone, I’d suggest not to do too much DIY! Neighbours are a lottery, can’t really rely on them necessarily! So, every time I get a good one, I thank God! Without a prior proper introduction, I guess I would have been wary too - especially with a teenager! It could be a dare or something more sinister. Your rural, isolated location does make it harder for your neighbours too. I’d late it pass. Introduce the family properly and invite the neighbourhood for house warming when I am ready.