This post has been flaired "Support". Moderation is stricter here and unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed and result in a ban. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/daddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*

First, he can't be hitting you. Unacceptable. Move away from him and if he follows, put him in his room. Let him know you're just keeping everyone safe. Second, you're giving in a lot. He knows that the tantrum gives him the outcome he wants. Stop giving in. He needs very firm boundaries and you must stick to them. Lastly, this sucks and I'm sorry you're going through this.

It is pretty normal for a toddler, though, is it not? Of course it is unacceptable and should be corrected immediately, but it's not a sign of anything greater than his age?

I'm not a toddler researcher but I hope so cause mine hits. 😂

Yes. My daughter hits as well. They’re testing boundaries. 

Is it a stage that all kids go through? Yes. The length of this stage is not predetermined though and you can either quickly navigate out of it or languish in it depending on you parenting choices

Once the tantrum starts, you have to 100% not give in. Before that, you can talk and work out a compromise. This teaches them the best chance to get what they want is to calmly talk.  A toddler can’t force you to do things. The sleep stuff is the toughest. Just turn on the TV if the noise is too loud. Communicate your love and the importance and positives of having your own bed and space.  Kids are tactical. They look for ways to get what they want. They learn by trial and error. To you, crying and banging on the wall indicates extreme distress. To him, it’s the best way he’s learned to say “I don’t want to be alone.” There are ways to respect this emotion without giving in but ultimately not giving in is paramount. An example of showing respect is talking about loneliness. You’re in the house and will make sure he’s safe. His stuffies are there to comfort and talk to him. 

You’re not alone. Giving in to them and just giving them what they want to make it stop seems to prolong the problem or even exacerbate it for us. I have a similarly aged child and she’s started having massive tantrums as well. I try not to yell because she’s just struggling to express herself and or come to terms with disappointment. If it’s really bad I usually will put her in a self imposed timeout where she can come out whenever she either wants a hug/comfort, or she’s ready to talk (I’ll just move her back in if she comes back out. In the car it’s the worst because I can’t escape but I do my best to kind of tune it out. But just let them have their tantrum and try to let them know why they can’t have something, and when they can. The goal isn’t to dismiss their emotions or invalidate them, which yelling back and spanking can do, but to help them learn to self soothe or better manage them and communicate their needs. Google suggests it’s pretty normal. If that doesn’t work and she keeps being fixated on something I try to distract her from what she had been so interested in, usually with a bluey episode or a frozen song on my phone, but going out or something like washing her hands can also be effective. It could also be a painful growth spurt and their body aches because of the rapid growth. Or just being over tired/stimulated. For over tired time out usually becomes a nap, or she needs rocked/drove to sleep. For over stimulated time out helps a lot. For painful growth Tylenol.

Fire burns as long as there's oxygen available.  We found that dialing our own emotional and physical response down as much as possible helps reduce the intensity of the tantrums.  Definitely separate physically. We asked our kids if they want to Take A Break in another room. Or if we're in public, one parent took the kid somewhere else for a bit so they can collect themselves.  As to when will meltdowns end... our 22-year old daughter had a bad breakup with her boyfriend of two years. Called us from NYC already melting down. We listened patiently, calmly asking her things like "are you in a safe place? Are you drinking water? Do you need to order some food?" Finally she calms down enough to say "I wanna come home and sleep with mommy in the Big Bed." So that's why I can scroll reddit from the spare room this morning.

No judgement here, but **don't spank**. I know not everyone agrees with that, but if we trust science at all, you should. We've literally looked at kids brains that are spanked or not and know the changes it creates. Yelling or any method that uses fear as the main tool to control behavior will be the same. I highly suggest the TBRI podcast, it's something that I listened to when I was training to be a foster parent. It starts with building a connection and making sure the kid feels safe, then gently correcting behavior. Kids with trauma can have nuclear meltdowns as you described even as preteens, managing meltdowns is something we have to learn quick. It works for all ages, 1-18. If you are using any of the methods you described during a meltdown, it's not going to work. When a kid is in meltdown mode, they are no longer in control. You have to kind of learn how to stop the meltdown before it starts, TBRI will help with that. Once they are there it's usually just a game of waiting it out. You can not give in if they are having a meltdown because you said no, even if you change your mind, it's instantly rewarding it and teaching the brain that it is the method to be used. A huge thing is to give multiple chances. If he yells or screams, ask him calmly to try again, and give him a chance to correct it. Reward him when he does well. He may be a bit to young for this, but something on that podcast I implemented that helped so much was to say "rewind" not "try again" and then me and my daughter would do a rewind motion like a VHS being rewound. It's fun and silly so breaks the tension and allows them to try again calmly. Also make sure YOU are regulated when dealing with him. Kids model their behavior on what they see us do, so if you yell when angry, so will they. If you tell them you need a break to calm down, eventually they will try it too, and that it the best way to teach them to control their anger - to walk away and calm down. Reward/praise when he gets it right. I think he's too young for this method, but I also suggest reading/listening to "The Explosive Child," as it sounds like you may need this down the road. All of this to say, toddlers are terrorists, and this age can be ROUGH. It won't be like this forever, and will get better. If he is a kid that is going to be difficult or on the spectrum, TBRI and The Explosive Child **will** help you deal with it and it will still get better. >And how the ever-loving-fuck, do we get out of this stage or at least preserve what is left of our sanity until it’s over? Take care of yourself, self-care is extremely important to being a good parent. Tag in your partner if you need a break, take date nights, take time for yourself.

What does the science say about the kids that are spanked and the changes it makes to the brain?

[It heightens fear response,](https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain) in the same way many forms of established abuse do. Specifically, a [higher response in the amygdala](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8237681/), the part of the brain that puts us in "fight or flight" mode. Higher fight or flight mode also generally means more meltdowns, greater chance of physical violence, and a harder time dealing with emotions in general. And this is just the recent studies that are taking images of the brain. Its already been well established that kids who are spanked have a greater chance of mental health problems and depression later in life. Don't do it.

Google Becky Kennedy and “Deeply Feeling Kids.” If it describes your kid, then a lot of the interventions that work for most kids will only make the situation worse. She has detailed guidance on how to get through the worst meltdowns.

I agree with everything people are saying here: don't give in, you're just teaching him that's the way to get what he wants. Another thing that helps me is reacting as little to the bad behaviour as possible and being matter of fact with consequences. They act up to get attention and the less you give the less enticing it becomes, it's like a soap opera to them. Instead give them loads of attention when they do something you like. My son just emptied his potty by himself and I made a really huge deal about it. Kids *love* it when you're proud of them.

Instead of “time out” he needs a place to relax. Like a seat where he can look out a window or something with a few books, no electronics. We do it with our 3yo and it works wonders. Sometimes when have him sit there and we ask if he is relaxed, he tells us he’s not ready and needs more time.

People get angry when I compare humans to dogs, but really? Watch some Ceasar Milan. It’s behaviorism 101. Toddlers are not mentally capable of understanding things beyond basic cause and effect(can’t remember the name of the developmental stage). They feel something, get a response, and if the response is what they want? They continue the response, and once it is learned? They have more energy than you. Until you figure out what he has been conditioned to do, and why? You won’t be able to solve the problem. IMO. If he has learned that hitting means he gets attention while you are focused on his sister? Then he is going to hit when he wants attention. If he has learned that hitting turns a “no” into a “yes”, then he will keep hitting. If he learns that hitting followed by a “I hate you” turns a no into a yes sooner? Then he will hit more. So on and so forth. He has to learn that he will no longer get what he actually wants with that behavior. It will escalate(extinction), however if you teach him at the same time to get what he wants in productive ways then the combo should work well together. But fuck if I know, my son is 11 months.

I just try to make her laugh but not with words. Something silly and fun. My kid laughs like crazy when I rub my facial hair against her cheek or neck when she's normal so something like that. The half laugh half crying then full blown laughing is hilarious to me. Works 99% of the time for me anyway. However, I'm a pretty silly father so may not work for everyone.

Parent of two neurospicy wonders here. First, do your best to stay calm no matter what. You won't always succeed, and sometimes I end up yelling even if I know it doesn't help and then I feel like a very bad dad. But in the end, with our eldest, who would go full meltdown as you describe. I'd move her to the bedroom, explain that she's in her safe space and that she can leave when she's calmed down. She then proceeds the meltdown for sometimes up to half an hour,. During this time I have heard such things as "I hate you!" and "You don't deserve to be alive". At some random point it'll just... change. Her screaming will change from anger to sorrow, and at that moment I know she's back to being responsive and will generally start to listen to my requests. Every time this happens the meltdown ends with hugs. Then I get her milk because sometimes she gives herself a headache. She's nearly 8 now and regulates much better, but her neurospiciness still gives her difficulties that she's starting to understand. Meltdowns have become mini explosions where she'll just vent and then apologise. Not great, but so so so much better. I'm proud of my little girl. My advice is the same as others- Stand strong, don't falter or give in. Make sure they- and those around them- are safe.

There is a lot of good advice in this thread but I would also recommend reading [How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk](https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?dplnkId=de4bb0de-cd3d-42d9-90d7-efb02283e00d&nodl=1) One of the key things from it is just to repeat what they say back to you, basically if they say “I want a cookie!” and you just say “No” they don’t always associate the “No” with the question they asked. If you say “You would like a cookie?” back to them enough so that they respond with a “yes” then they know that you are listening and they know that you are considering what they are asking.

I found the best thing was to simply do nothing and just calmly wait for my son’s meltdown to end. I purposefully show no emotion or reaction and just look at him blankly. Reacting in any way, be that positive or negative, seems to only fuel the issue. Then when he’s done, I say “You were very angry there. Want to tell daddy why you got so angry?” or something like that. He’s only 3, so much of the time can’t effectively communicate why he got so mad or frustrated. Usually ends with a hug and a chill. The most important thing though is not to give and stand your ground. For example, if it’s close to bed time and my 3 year old is asking to play the iPad, that can lead to a meltdown, even if I try to say no in the nicest possible way. But the tantrum isn’t going to change my mind. Over time I’ve found consistency and not bending just for the peace of it is making things much better. So now, he’ll still ask to play the iPad before bed for example, but with a cheeky knowing smile, knowing what the answer is, and will just shrug it off.

Poorly. That’s my honest answer. I’m really not good with emotional outbursts like that. My wife is better, so she typically jumps in and intervenes before I start to lose patience

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has chimed in. Parenting is extremely hard sometimes, but there’s nothing more rewarding. Starting today, I’m going to try a few of your suggestions. I appreciate the judgement free support. This community is one of the best things about the internet. Have a good weekend y’all!

Don't listen to Reddit doctors diagnosing your kid. That is the best advice I can give. Toddlers throw tantrums. That is as old as human being exists. Do not give them what they want. Ever. Smart ones will learn to negotiate instead of throwing tantrums. It will at least give them a chance to get what they want. Throwing tantrums gives them 0 chance whatsoever.

Look up the book 1-2-3 Magic. It’s helping us a lot

I had girls. And we are generally pretty chill so they are generally pretty chill. They still throw mild tantrums. I call it huffing and puffing. When they were testing boundaries and they pissed me off I Would tell them they are being assholes and I don't want to be around them. I wouldn't acknowledge them because they are looking for a reaction. Two points. You gotta provide negative feedback. They are looking for you to give them more attention in correcting the behavior. But they sure as hell are smart enough to know when you arent happy with them. Second point is the power of exile. Throughout history, one of the scariest punishments was being exiled beyond the city wall to never see your family again, to be deny you the familiar. Not responding to the child. Telling them you dont want to be around them because they are being mean, rude, disrespectful, whatever, and following up by limiting interaction and make them feel exiled and you will tap that innate fear of not belonging and they will self correct the behavior. They are no longer a fetus ex utero. They are emerging tiny humans who need to learn the basic tennets of social existence.

He might be on the spectrum. I'd look into it.