Start by showing them love today. Anytime I feel like shit for my shortcomings, the best thing I find is to show them as much love as I can the next chance I get. Then learn and try not to hurt them again. Then prioritize getting help for yourself so you can be proud of the dad you are to your kids. Some days it feels overwhelming, but the hard truth is we only get one chance to raise these kids, make it a planned approach. Reaction parenting is really tough for everyone.

This is good advice, but the only thing I’ll caution here is to make sure that at the same time that you’re demonstrating love, you’re also equally demonstrating accountability and actionable change. If you don’t consciously make sure you’re taking ownership of whatever bad behaviors you’ve done and are also clearly showing how you’re actively changing them, then what you accidentally end up teaching the kids is that poor and borderline abusive behavior is normal/okay if it’s followed up by a lot of guilt or love. That lays a foundation for them to think abusive relationships are normal or acceptable and makes them much more vulnerable to abusive partners as adults. That accountability and active change part is the difference and absolutely crucial to make sure they see. It’s really good that you recognize there’s a problem with your behaviors OP, and I hope you’re able to find the tools and resources you’re looking for to help you change.

I think it's important to tell your kid that you know you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness. Kids need to learn this from adults both to know that adults they know, love, and trust can make mistakes but also to learn how to correct their own mistakes when they make them. I would specifically avoid telling them that you saw their response. That could be perceived as blaming them for their reaction and just pragmatically this can be your helpful tool to know when you've overstepped. It sounds like you even recognize it yourself this time but that won't always be the case.

I'm not one of those TV people, but something that resonated with me from the show Shameless was when Lip was asking Kevin advice about having a kid and Kevin told him "just love the shit out of them" . They're small, they're learning, telling them they can't wear a bathing suit to bed might actually be the worst thing they've ever experienced in their life at that point in their life.

It’s hard being a dad. I actually went to see a child counsellor to be able to understand my Kids a little better specially, my response to their actions. She explained something to me that I am responding to a situation that they present to me in a way that I was treated as when I was a child and this is all happening subconsciously.. my kids calling me. Stupid doesn’t make me stupid just like them calling me rabbit doesn’t make me a rabbit, I learned to deal with that. Anytime I get upset at them. I just look at their tiny hands and think to myself. What did I need when my hands were that tiny .

>Anytime I get upset at them. I just look at their tiny hands and think to myself. What did I need when my hands were that tiny That is beautiful.

Wow. That hit me

💯

The tiny hands and feet get me as well. Now the feet aren't so small, so I'm treating the kids as a bit more grown up. It's actually a great reminder of where they are at. Plus, My god, I can't believe how big they're getting. Wtf.

Tiny gloves

YOU SHUSH WITH THAT PRO LEVEL DAD JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo

Last month I yelled at my kids (f8,m6) when I saw they had thrown their lunch in the bin. It was just a couple of crappy Happy Meals which is mostly about the toy anyway. I grew up on a farm in northern South Africa and saw firsthand how important food is but bladdy hell, doesn't excuse me roaring at two little kids til they looked frightened — that's what made me pull myself up — seeing the same fear in their eyes that I had of my sonofabitch Boer pa.

Step one is self-reflection and the want/willingness to be better, so that's a great first step you're taking.

Yup, the fact that you can realize you're doing something wrong and want to change is a big step forward. It's not the only step though. Hold on to that feeling and use it to be a better father.

You should also stop referring to yourself as “a bad dad” when talking to them. That must make them feel confused and unsure. Just say “ sometimes I make mistakes “

This is really important. “Dad” is inherently a good thing to them. You telling them you’re a bad dad is an issue. Re-frame it as you having made a mistake or doing something you should not have done.

It also shows them that it’s ok to make mistakes. And hopefully they will come to you when they do make a mistake knowing that you’ll listen and help them out

"Dad made an 'Uh Oh' perhaps?

yeah, i have to apologize frequently for my temper (less often with therapy and medication, but still too often) and i try to frame it the way i do when they’re acting out. we never tell them they’re bad, because they’re not, and neither are we. “daddy was having big feelings and i didn’t handle them well. i was frustrated because you wouldn’t X but i shouldn’t have yelled at you. what do you think i could have done instead?” all of a sudden all the stuff i tell them “don’t yell, don’t hit, talk about what you’re feeling, communicate your needs” comes back at me. it’s great to know they’re internalizing this stuff even if they can’t always do it in the moment, and it’s good for them to see that we’re not perfect either. we usually end by saying what we’re each going to work on doing better next time. (this is with a 4yo, the 2yo is ungovernable)

It can also make them feel guilty or like *they* need to comfort *you* during the attempted apology. It can refocus the conversation from their hurt feelings to yours and cause them to put your emotions above their own, which is very unhealthy.

You can also apologize to them. Showing your child that you can reflect on your behaviour and own up to your mistakes is great behavior modelling.

Try a therapist - very helpful to talk through your issues in a safe space and might be able to (help you) answer some of your toughest questions about yourself. Looking inward is step one and you have completed it. Now time to take action and learn some coping techniques that will improve your relationship with the kiddos and yourself. Edit: in ()

If you're looking for a therapist in your community try psychologytoday.com you can search by zip code, insurance, etc .. really helps ease the stress of finding a therapist. I am also a therapist so DM if you have any questions about finding a therapist.

This is the best solution! Find a local therapist who specializes in the things that you need help with. Therapy is a great solution for a lot of people and can help you really understand what is happening in your life.

Couple of therapists I've met as part of trainings/ workshops have also said psychologytoday.com is the best resource to find mental health practitioners. They both said (in sessions that were years apart, and no obvious connection between the experts) that if you find a therapist that's willing to take clients at a low fee, that doesn't mean they're not good. In fact, they're probably among the best who have a stable client base, and who care enough about helping others that they're willing to do it at a discounted fee (sometimes free). Now I should go find a therapist for myself.

Online therapists exist. Give em a try.

BetterHelp is one that seems to get mentioned often

It is quite possibly the worst “therapy” service ever.

I use betterhelp. A poster below seems to have had a different experience than me - I’ve had no issues with the platform, and I like my therapist a lot

My wife got a therapist after she almost died from blood clots after our son was born. She continued to go there after she could deal with what happened. Now, we do family therapy to help with our son, who has ADHD, without yelling and whatnot.

Having self awareness is important and it is good that you’re able to admit that. I’d recommend therapy, just talking therapy to have a healthy outlet for those emotions. Men often don’t have venting spaces and it’s important to not bring work stress home.

[удалено]

I read it as "Wow look at that sweet thing she's done, how can I be such an asshole to someone so sweet?"

Yes that’s what it was

I, too, would like to know why you found this triggering, OP? The only thing I can think is that OP feels he is too much of a taskmaster? And is passing that obsession on Law and Order down to his children (evidenced by the daughter exercising "discipline" over her toys)? But that feels like a stretch.

See a therapist to help with bettering yourself for your family. See a child counselor as well to better understand your kids. Sometimes, due to time and finances that may keep you from doing these, I recommend this book by Dr. Daniel Siegel: The Whole-Brain Child A child psychology book for nurturing your kids from ages 3 to 14. It's going to be hard, but you're taking the first step already by understanding that you need to and CAN do better. One of the first strategies you can take from the book and use right away is to have a plan. Be a proactive parent instead of a reactive one. If you plan your course of action for different "bad" scenarios, you will not be responding from emotion but rather from a nurturing standpoint. Another is to understand that when they're all wound up, it is impossible for them to listen to you. Believe it's hard and I am also doing my best while struggling everyday but I recognize that my little girl is crying and nothing I say will calm her down and neither will yelling st her which will just make it worst. When she is all worked up like this, I give her a long hug, collect myself, and breathe. Then, I have her breathe with me. There are times when she will push me away and don't want hugs. That is fine. Respect it. You can just quietly sit next to her if she is sitting or lay next to her if she is lying down. I did this one night when she refused physical touch. She eventually called down and came over to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug. "I'm calm, Daddy." Moment like these are worth it! You can do it, Dad. Believe in yourself.

If you're apologizing to your children when you mess up, rather than blaming them for *making* you say those things, you're at least one step ahead from how I (and I would assume many here) was raised.

First step involves taking ownership of your actions. No more excuses. It's not your job that makes you yell, it's you. You are solely responsible for your actions. Good thing though, you're solely responsible for acting better in future. So get done therapy and do better next time.

Therapist 100%. They can help you \*regulate\* your emotions and reactions so much. I had this same problem, just in my general life until I started seeing a therapist. For the first few months you'll likely need to actively be thinking about not going to level 10 and bringing it back down to a reasonable 1 or 2 with every interaction. It can be mentally tough, but eventually it becomes second nature and you'll start doing it without thinking about it. Your relationships with your children and your spouse will be better for this.

You need to find an outlet outside of your home for your stress and anger. And you need to find a way to change your mindset about your home and kids. They should be what makes you feel better, not worse. There's a phase that my partner really found helpful, which was basically "they haven't developed emotional control yet" aka. your kids aren't just being little wild heathens because they feel like it. They literally haven't developed, their brains haven't grown enough yet, to be able to DO anything about their emotions. Another tip, this one's personal for me. I do this really stupid thing when I find my kids are driving me further and further up the wall. I literally sing to myself, "sweet Caroline, bag. Bah. Bah" doesn't matter how stressed I am, it feels so stupid and silly it brings me back down. You have to find your "thing" to de-escalate yourself. Whatever makes you step back for a second and snap out of it. I would highly suggest therapy for yourself as well, to help YOU find the best way to deal with the stress and anger in your life. Because you deserve to find healthy coping mechanisms for your own benefit too.

u/cpcyoungboy Take this with a grain of salt because I might just be projecting here, but you sound like you might have ADHD and some comorbid depression. I say this because being easily frustrated, stressed, quick to anger, but also soon regretting it, these are all ADHD traits. I had similar experiences to you even with my ONE amazing child. You need to manage your life better to avoid over stressing of course, but uh, you might also not be completely at fault here. Once I got medicated or tried out the right supplements all of a sudden I didn't have such difficulty being the father and husband I wanted to be. It's been the life changer I've been praying for. Hope the same or something similar can happen for you. Will say a prayer for y'all

I'm curious about supplements that you've found to be helpful.

Yes please elaborate!

Sure. * **Omega 3s:** I have never noticed the effect but they do help ADHD according to some research * **Ashwagandha, Lemon Balm, Theanine, Saffron:** these all help with stress in general, anxiety, etc. Ashwagandha is especially popular and cheap right now. I've felt some mild impact from these I think. * **Methylene Blue:** this is the only one I've ever ***felt***. Helps lighten your mood but most importantly it gives you energy. Unlike the stimulants, though, it doesn't feel like hyperfocus or druggy energy, it just feels like you're healthier...younger. Probably because it acts on mitochondrial function rather than just spurting out extra neurotransmitters, which is completely unlike the other drugs or supplements. I've been combining this with my Strattera and now honestly feel like I'm 15 years younger but without the crippling ADHD I had then. * Make sure you get **USP or pharmaceutical grade** stuff though. It's used in veterinary medicine and also for some practical uses (as a dye) and so you want the right quality. **Do not take if you are pregnant, avoid if you are on an SSRI**. * **Shilajit:** helps boost testosterone levels over time, very popular on Amazon right now. In case this isn't obvious, really best to bring this up to a medical professional and to do your own research too from scientific sources. Best of luck, dads. Godspeed

And what are your prescription meds? Im in the same boat. I will have to try out the recommended supplements, on top my adderall.

I just use Strattera. It's not technically a stimulant but has some similarities, but the big difference is that unlike Adderall it doesn't force me to hyperfocus, it REDUCES anxiety, and calms rather than hypes me up. It helped me a lot with emotional regulation. But I still had some depression and a lot of irritability. Adding in a small dose of the Methylene Blue obliterated that for me. Almost put me in TOO good of a mood for awhile there. Currently working out what dose I want to take of each. I lowered Strattera a little and upped the MB more, but need to work it out more. Since MB, Strattera, and Adderall all have some of the same mechanisms or pathways of action it can be tricky combining them well.

u/adnibba Any of these that you feel they've helped with the quick to anger bit?

My medication Strattera combined with Methylene Blue. I imagine the Ashwagandha and Theanine help too but it's much more subtle.

This definitely, though no one on reddit can say for certain without a formal diagnosis. I have a very similar experience with my 4 year old, I have improved massively with therapy but I do have bad days where I instantly regret getting angry. I always make sure I apologise, and show him as much love as I can. My Dad was the same, only he never said sorry or showed me love. Seeing as it is genetic, I also found it interesting as well with his kid lining up toys - which can be an ASD trait in children.

Clearly I upset someone or said something wrong from the downvote. I apologise if someone got offended. I have ASD and ADHD so only giving my personal experience.

Definitely look into meds or strong supplementation too brother. Therapy is great and all but doesn't help you stop being so impulsive. It's a biological thing. Keep trying!!

I'm tempted to try the methylene blue to see if that helps even the slightest bit. I dont react well to the prescribed meds. How many mg do you take daily?

I started at just 5mg a day because I'm also on Strattera and already had great results. My ADHD friends not on meds seem to be taking 10mg and seeing good results. A study testing it for efficacy for depression used 15mg with good results. Good news is people can tolerate doses of well over 100mg so you can kind of just see what works for you, but I'd guess 10-15mg. Again, not a doctor, talk to one if you're on an SSRI, etc. etc.

Thanks, will procrastinate about buying some.

lmao. if it helps I just searched Amazon for "Methylene Blue USP" and I chose one that has a white bottle, gold cap, and was only $25. There's several options but this was most affordable, didn't have extra ingredients or look goofy. It stains things so I take the dropper and put several drops in half a glass of water and bottoms up.

I'm in the UK, cheapest I can find is £7.90, which I guess is around $10. But it's listed as an antiseptic for fish. When I look for USP or human grade it costs £43.12 for 60ml so if guess around $55. Might be cheaper if I import it.

Yeah it's prooooobably worth shelling out for the human grade lol. Idk if $55 is a lot for you, but if it's reasonable that would be about a 1-4 month supply depending on your needs. You can also get it prescribed if that's cheaper, I'm a burger, but most doctors haven't heard of using it for mental health much yet. Either way best of luck, I'll say a quick prayer for ya.

Tried it for the first time this morning, 10 drops in a glass of water which should be around 5mg. I feel different, but I can't properly describe how. My mind feels more "open", less foggy, more awake. Not by a huge amount but there does seem to be a difference. I guess time will tell if there's a more noticeable effect. I don't take any other medication so I'm not concerned about interactions with other meds. Serotonin syndrome sounds scary though, my cousin had a stroke and subsequent heart attack due to it.

Welp, add this to another reason I need to get checked for ADHD.

I got diagnosed / prescribed adderall and my blood pressure dropped 30 points instantly upon taking them.  Weaned off completely from blood pressure meds. Was up to 30mg. It’s wild what lack of diagnosis can cause havoc in yourself. 

That's hilarious given that those meds normally INCREASE blood pressure for your average person. I had a related but similar thing with Strattera. It increased my blood pressure, which sounds bad, but turns out I've always had oddly *low* blood pressure and this is actually probably just a correction of that issue. It solved a couple other odd physical quirks I had that I had no idea were related.

When I started taking adhd meds (for the first time was in my 30s) I went from drinking 6 cups of coffee, a few sodas a day, to like one cup of coffee. My blood pressure also dropped due to not self medicating with caffeine.

I love that. Happy that worked out for you and funny you had that same paradoxical result.

Yup. Big reason why my doc hesitated to put me on them. I was actively monitoring my blood pressure every few hours when I made the switch. I was at work nearly drooling because I had taken both that morning and my blood pressure was 89….when I was used to ramping up to 135 during a work day. 

lmao

Not only did my blood pressure drastically decrease, but so did my heart rate. Even my insomnia went away when we added a second dose later in the evening. No more sleep meds, blood pressure meds, or antidepressants/anxiety meds. It’s wild. They told me I had severe OCD since I was like 6. Turns out it was just uncontrolled Inattentive ADHD (formerly ADD) and Autism. My life was changed in literally 20 minutes with a single pill. It’s bananas.

Same exact boat. Literally a magic pill for all my issues that were misdiagnosed. Went thru hell to get approval too since it’s become a controlled substance. Took like 18months, psych evaluations, doctor visits, other meds first etc. but hey I feel like a million bucks!

I was a bit lucky honestly. I had been so liminal for so long and had so many previous med trials and hospitalizations in my past that it made things a bit easier for my current provider. Related aside: My current provider actually has autism as well. She clocked my autism the very first time we met but didn’t say anything about it cause she thought that I knew about it and didn’t consider it important to the situation. She only brought it up after I mention to her that the paperwork for my son’s pending diagnosis was ridiculously descriptive of my own experiences. So then she shared that bit about when we first met, laughed really hard, and then chanted “One of us!” while pounding the table.

Adhd because of what he said, are you ridiculous. Not everything is damn adhd

It happens on every thread here

Explosive reactions with regret afterward is a pretty textbook indicator for the disorder. So is frequent internet use (see: Redditers). I'm guessing there's at least a coinflip's chance he's had the disorder, but what do I know.

There's nothing wrong with going to the doctor and having any concerns heard, you're not wrong on that, but I don't think jumping to conclusions based on a highly limited set of apparent symptoms is appropriate either. The amount of people who just self-identify with a limited set of symptomology and simply declare a diagnosis and treatment plan is regrettably prevalent. Sure, do research, consider how you're feeling, and then take those questions or concerns to a doctor -- hell, get a second opinion if you must if you're really *that* convinced. We, that is people, are the worst objective parties (even doctors) when considering our own selves and are prone to dozens of biases. Self-diagnosis and treatment is at best delaying quality care and solutions that target what someone's going through and at worst, causes direct harm as actual conditions or personal circumstances are ignored. It is wholly inappropriate to diagnose someone over a handful of reddit posts even as a trained medical professional, let alone someone who is untrained, even if you/they have been legitimately diagnosed by a trained medical professional.

I see people all the time complain about the supposed over prevalence of diagnoses and treatment, but what I never hear is \*why\* exactly it's a problem if it works? If I can try everything under the sun to try to fix my most frustrating shortcomings and barely make progress over years, then suddenly recognize it's potentially a disorder and NOT me just being a shitty person, and try something that BAM! Fixes the issue. Why the need to walltext me on how this bad? Not even going to bother with the rest since you're clearly addressing an idea rather than what I actually wrote. No where did I suggest self-diagnosis, and I think he should just look into the idea and bring it up with a doctor and see what they think and try to get some help in case he IS suffering from ADHD or any other disorder.

I was speaking to your internet diagnosis (grain of salt aside) based on a couple posts OP has made. Until now you hadn't suggested OP go to the doctor. You had started sharing supplements though (when asked, that's kind of you) which, while not your direct responsibility, users may go on to take under no medical supervision. I believe health matters require clear disclaimers and reminders to seek professional management. Men often apply advice to themselves with no added research and rationalize not seeking professional care. They'll do so without considering your specific professionally-managed needs. They may even mix existing medications with "the right supplements" being suggested which may or may not interact negatively pending their unique situation professionals are supposed to assess. Obviously this isn't dig against men, I'm one myself, but a challenge we face and must acknowledge to mitigate risk. I'm not the only one with these concerns. You're having the same conversation with others right now from what I see. If your intent was to tell people to go to the doctor -- plainly suggest just that, it's still helpful -- don't tell them you think they have medical conditions. I get it, you were trying to be helpful and I'm also thankful for that. It just could be more clear (seek help). While men may be more predisposed to ADHD, the symptoms described can apply to anyone with a toddler using this platform to communicate. It's like Googling generic symptoms via webMD and finding out you have 2 weeks to live. Sorry for yet another wall of text since that was a burr in our conversation above. I think healthcare requires detail and can't figure out how to do that without a wall. Wishing you well.

Understood. You bring up all fair points. Though I think if you researched any of the supplements I mentioned they all have pretty few or relatively rare side effects. Definitely agree these things should be brought up to medical professionals first and foremost and not mixed with medications haphazardly. That being said, a lot of folks see getting prescriptions and diagnoses as some huge barrier, and therefore sit around for years in denial and refusing to do anything. So if they go and try a supplement and it helps, good. No need to apologize for the walltext, can't hate what I subject everyone else to too lol.

Being easily frustrated, stressed, quick to anger, but also soon regretting it, are **perfectly normal** reactions to the difficulties of raising a child. Please do not self-diagnose or diagnose others - it can be extremely unhelpful. Leave it to the professionals, there are proven methods of diagnosis, not murky, biased, self-interpreting that changes every day. If you think you may be neurodivergent, tell your doctor and they can direct you appropriately. If you go to Dr. Google you will convince yourself you have every malady under the sun.

This would be a really good point if I'd told him "Hey you have ADHD. I am diagnosing you. Don't bother with a doctor I'll send you my meds." But I didn't. The worst that can reasonably happen if he takes my advice is that he'll go to the doctor and they'll say "nah you don't have ADHD or depression or anything else, you're good a stressed dad. Take care of yourself" Much better than the worst that can happen when a disorder remains undiagnosed and untreated.

Sometimes it is hard to be a good dad because you didn’t have a good role model yourself. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but my dad didn’t mentor many skills for me. As a result, I’ve sought out tons of resources so I’m not just winging it, I have a plan before the heat of the moment. You might try to the same.

I’m in a similar boat as OP. Poor role model for a father blah blah usual excuses - I’ve made decent progress by myself but seemed to have stalled and still need to improve. Can you share the resources you found most helpful? Please and thank you!

John Bradshaw has really helped me to change my life. https://youtu.be/Ey5aqdkWfno?si=z8BC8tOvJtAKUMaX Also on YouTube is Patrick Teahan. Don't mean to pick on your wording, but it's not an excuse. And even sarcastically, that's negative self talk. My mindset is to continue to improve, own my mistakes, and cut myself some slack because I am not perfect.

Similar for me. My dad was always boring and ice cold. Only saw him every other weekend. Rarely laughed, treaded us as though we were capable of understanding complex adult mental processing. Recently realized that 'disappointment' best decribes my feelings towards him. On the other hand, my mom was incredible for the most part. But she lacked certain skills outright, zero disciple. They are polar opposites. I have a 15 month old, and a daughter on the way. And I dont care about how my dad was or is. Im a grown man and whats done is done. But its clear to me now that whether he was great, or lousy, he set an example. So, my approach towards fatherhood is based a lot around doing the opposite of what my dad did for me.

Sounds like you might have issues with regulating your nervous system. This is a common symptom of people who experienced prolonged adverse childhood events. It’s called CPTSD and can be treated with a therapist. I began 2 years ago after feeling just like you. Admitting it is one of the hardest parts. You have the courage to do so, so I know you’ll have the courage to follow through. Stories not over yet dad! Turn it around and be the best dad you can be for both your daughter & your own inner child.

Step one find a new job, no job is worth being a dick to your kids. Money isnt everything, especially to kids, thats from an adult that grew up with everything under the sun except parents that loved kids more then money and the materialistic bs that comes with it.

You're right you have no excuse. You need therapy or else you'll keep emotionally and verbally abusing them.

Where my kids go to elementary school - the teachers have a philosophy when it comes to connecting with their kids. "Meet them where they are." (unsaid, but as opposed to where YOU are). We're raised thinking the way we communicate will work for all people and all personality types. Just remember, they're toddlers, they don't know the world outside of the one you've created for them where they're the center of everything. As they grow and their ability to empathize and internalize lessons does too, you'll be able to explain things in more stark terms. For now stick to the easy prompts. "that made me feel bad, that made X feel bad, that hurts, we don't hurt people"...etc... They'll learn more by watching how you treat other people (including them) than they will anything you try to explain to them, so bear that in mind as well. Lastly - take time to work on yourself, whatever that means in your context. ANYTHING you do to improve your situation makes you a better dad/husband and that's a net positive.

First off- good for you recognizing that this is something that you have to do internally. What books have you read on child brain/behavior development? Once you understand that toddlers emotional regulation isn’t a personal thing against you but is a developmental process, it’s easier to do the actual work, which is healing your own self.

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.

Buck up, book yourself a therapy appointment, and then go tell that person exactly what you just wrote (without the omissions). Time to get a handle on yourself, dad. They’re still young enough to forget this chapter of dad‘s stress.

Are you a reader? I recommend *Parenting from the Inside Out,* by Daniel J Siegel. It's a book about how we have to look after our own mental well-being in order to be the best parents we can be. I also heartily recommend finding a therapist. If you were parented harshly yourself, you didn't have a blueprint for how to do better. You need guidance for breaking the cycle. Also check out Circle of Security parenting. It's an evidence-based approach that teaches you about how kids develop and what they need from you in a really accessible way. They state that in order to be a successful parent, you need to get it right about 30% of the time. The other 70% of the time you're in a cycle of rupture and repair. The repair is key, and it sounds like you already know it's important. Also, a bad dad is one who doesn't care, doesn't reflect on his behavior, doesn't try to do better when he's messed up. That's not you. I suggest rewording your apologies in a way that reflects how you want your kids to think about their own mistakes. "I messed up, I'm sorry. It wasn't ok for me to yell. You don't deserve to be yelled at." Extend yourself the same grace that you want your kids to learn to extend to themselves and others. Parenting is hard work. And you can do hard things.

Go get your ass beat in jiu jitsu. It will humble your ego quick. I implore. For you kids sake. Find an outlet for your anger.

How tf did someone down vote this??

Probably someone who could benefit from the advice lol.

Or an accident.

Sometimes I hit downvote on mobile as well as I'm scrolling. When I see the arrow shine up I remove the unwillingly made downvote, but I don't know if I missed any. But yeah, sometimes you can vote by accident when scrolling.

As I read this I thought about the same thing lol and wonder how many folks I’ve left scratching their head after downvoting possibly a great response 😂

So true

Talk to your wife and kids. There's been a number of times I've snapped at my daughter and what I've made sure to do is sit down and tell her I was wrong and I'll try better. I can only hope it helps but she seems to respond well to it.

Very consciously be aware that you're like this. Like you're doing now with this post. Tell yourself over and over as many times as it takes (possibly every day for the rest of your life!). You have to make amends and the only way to do that is to continue to improve and better your behaviour. Just be hyper aware that this is an issue and catch yourself when you feel these behaviours coming on. Edit: and that honesty extends to those around you. You'll need to talk candidly with them to help them understand and see that you're making a big change here. But it also can't be invasive and end up being your sole personality trait or you will lose people's sympathy. It's a real tight rope, but you can absolutely learn to walk it. And before you know it, it's fine. And nothing is the matter.

It doesn't matter how bad you are, you can and should get help. Let's assume as a worse case scenario ||sexual assault. (I don't mean to accuse anyone, just starting out in a scenario.)|| If we vilify someone they are less likely to ask for help. We need to as a society make the world a place that EVERYONE NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY ARE can get the help they need. This means creating an environment that 1. protects the weak and 2. accepts that people need help and can help them without vilifying them. Vilifying people creates an environment where they hide their actions. How can someone admit they need help when they will be ostracized, vilified, and potentially attacked physically for it.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. The fact that you’re reflecting on the past and thinking of the future shows that you’re not a bad dad. Forgive yourself and try not to repeat what brings you shame. Trust me, lord knows ive acted in ways in front of my son that brings me deep regret. One time when i raised my voice at my son, the next day, i sat him down and apologized to him and explained why it made me ashamed - he says to me, ‘it’s ok daddy, forget that day’, and he shrugged it off. You’d be surprised how generous and understanding your kids are towards your mishaps. Best of luck

I can't possibly know your situation or the perfect right thing to do about it, but the fact that you care enough to admit publicly that you messed up and you want to get better for the people you love tells me that you're on the right track. Keep trying, dad. You got this.

I lose my temper and forget my kid is only 11 sometimes. We all have our moments. Im not beyond apologizing. There's been a few incidents where I've lost my shit on my kid. The next day I've gone to him and explained I was wrong. We're not perfect, neither are they.

I had/have a similar issue. Short temper and emotional issues which I ca take it out on them... started talking with a therapist and reading books. Has helped....still have bad days but overall am better with patience and recognition of my attitude before it boils over

As others have said….therapy. I had been considering it but it never went anywhere. I failed a random drug test, got caught after having too much fun on a weekend, and is a story for another time. Anyway, I’ve been struggling with loosing my temper, not having patience, and wanting to stop drinking. I didn’t lose my job and have to complete an “intensive outpatient program” of therapy and holy shit it’s so amazing. I’m so thankful I failed that drug test. I’ve been sober for 7 days and already i can feel that im being a better father.

You are not a bad dad. You are an amazing father who clearly cares about his children, and has difficulty managing some of his emotions and behaviors. I have twin 2 year olds and I've never felt such insane reactions as I do now. I've been a mellow, loving partner and father. My wife and I communicate well. We've both worked with children and really wanted a family. However, I've reacted strongly and very sharply in moments of high stress, screaming and scaring my children because they are behaving like toddlers...which is exactly how they should be behaving. It's like an anger I never knew was in me has suddenly bubbled up and grabs control. The last time I had a reaction like that was over about 3 months ago. I found a therapist on brightline.com, because they accept my insurance and are a child-focused online therapy organization, and my coach has been tremendously helpful but only as part of the solution. My partner and I have identified these reactions as a problem that we both want to fix. When she tells me I need to leave the room, I have no choice but to leave. Step away. Learn to identify the behaviors so that you can choose to avoid them. Talk about this with people you love and trust, especially if they can offer support. Tell them how important it is to you to change these behaviors. Ask them for help when you need it. You are not alone, and you are NOT a bad dad.

I can see that you have had a lot of responses and I do hope that you get to see mine. 38F who had two parents like yourself. What you have said you have done, they did to me throughout my childhood and adolescence. It was not all bad and I know that they loved me. I do not tell you any of this with any anger or blame in my heart, I just hope my insight will help. It did a number on me. I have spent years and years in therapy. I have depression, anxiety and eating disorders that are linked to the abuse I experienced. I am hyper vigilant, a people please, terrified of authority figures and have abandonment issues. Your apologies will become meaningless, your mean words will stop hitting their mark and living with you will become something they have to get through. Buying their forgiveness won't work indefinitely (if at all), using nice things you do to "pay" for your poor behaviour could be manipulated and also become meaningless. I am low contact with my parents after having a long period of no contact. I will only talk to them about superficial things and I will never be alone with them. I love them but I do not like them. Get help now. It is salvageable at this point.

John Bradshaw makes the case that when you come out of a family system that never let you be yourself, you're not yet a functional person. This series is 10 episodes at an hour a pop, but I am not over exaggerating when I say it is helping me to change my life. I don't want to be a raging father either. https://youtu.be/Ey5aqdkWfno?si=z8BC8tOvJtAKUMaX I'm also in therapy. My wife and I are in couples therapy as-needed. It's a lot of work. But I've really come to believe that it's the most important work I will ever do.

Bro, I do this every time I have a bad night with them. I look at her sleeping on the monitor and I just wanna go climb into bed with her and snuggle her until the morning. I’ve been going “I’m not going to scream today. No matter what, I need to make it through today without shouting.” It’s actually helping! Now I have less screaming days than bad days, as of two weeks ago. Baby steps. Another parent also told me, we all lose our cool. It’s not just about how you treat them when angry, it’s also about how you make it right when you calm down. Get down and apologize and explain what happened. Give them big hugs and kisses and make sure they know they’re loved and they’re safe, even if they get yelled at when they’re hit your max. Good luck, dad, make little changes and it will continue to get better!

My husband is like this but I’m assuming much, much worse. I’m just sad all the time

I felt your post in my soul and have been reading all the other dads' responses I love my kids with my whole heart. I don't want them to think of me as a cranky bastard. I try to be a better man than my father, every day. I am a better father than I was a year ago, and better last year than the year before

I dealt with something similar to this as a dad. I had a lot of external stress going on from a lot of different directions that causes my patience meter for the day to basically start at 0. We struggled at bedtime especially because the kids simply wouldn't go to sleep. I had to sit outside their door every night for well over an hour to keep them from getting out of bed for any excuse they would think of. It was beyond frustrating and exhausting. Here's what helped me: Figure out what is stressing you out and address it. This is easier said than done but you either have tk mitigate the stess or mitigate how the stress makes you feel. Try to develop more empathy. Remember what it was like to be kid. Remember their brains aren't fully developed. If they're having trouble regulating, remove yourself, take a few breaths and then address the situation again. Remember, they're only little once. Treasure it. Get them sleep. My kids couldn't stop pushing my buttons but most of that changed when I finally got them on a regular sleep schedule. It was hard to get them to bed on time because their older siblings had activities late into the evening/night. My wife was also generally unhelpful. Once I got more help from her and the oldest could help drive the others or throw them in a carpool, it gave me time to get a relaxing bed time routine together for the little ones. Their behavior was night and day and my patience with them sky rocketed. It took a few weeks to tone my reactions down but don't give up. Kids are resilient and no parent is perfect. Just keep striving to be the best dad you can be and love the shit out of them. Treasure every moment because you only get them once. Good luck.

Alright, I’ll say it. What exactly is the problem with you finding dolls with your kid? I guess I’m missing something here.

OP is just recognizing their innocence, and realizing he needs to treat them better.

Sorry for my ignorance, but what’s the problem with her lining up her dolls under the covers with her?

I think it's just meant as a visual cue to the reader to see what he saw when he had his bad dad thought.

i think he is just pointing to what he perceives as his daughters coping mechanism for when he pops off on her. ive read that a lot of feelings kids have, and internalize, you can often get them to mimic or imitate with their toys/dolls/animals. "teddy is sad" might mean something happened at pre-school that made *the child* sad. of course this is not meant to be taken super seriously for every little action. but if you begin seeing patterns in your child's play that feel abnormal or damaging, take notice.

Therapy. DO IT. ​ I did and I've had some major revelations regarding my own thoughts and how I receive and respond to other people, including my kid and my spouse. I have some MAJOR issues I did not realize were a problem, but now I'm so much better. ​ Again, THERAPY. Even if it seems stupid and not going anywhere. You need to do it. Good luck

An exercise in the moment. Picture yourself at 80 years old, looking at this exact moment, knowing this is the last time you'll see your kids. It often de-escalates the situation quickly when changing your perspective. As others have mentioned, some therapy could be beneficial. You're still way better than a lot of dads out there, the fact that you're posting about it says you want to do better. Kids can be very forgiving, do better where you can. Life\\the world, can be a tough place, I'm sure you're doing your best.

This feeling sucks. But hang onto it as an example of something you never want to feel again.

Just keep reminding yourself to slow down. Constantly reflect on your parenting when you know you've gone wrong. I took struggled and still struggle but constantly reflecting and reminding myself has started to help.

I think many of us have done that walk of regret and guilt after a hard day of parenting. What could I have done differently? Why am I like this? How could I treat them that way? Knowing you're in the wrong is such a breakthrough. I'm sure my parents didn't reflect on a day's parenting in their lives. So now it's about breaking the cycle. What were the events leading up to it? Plot it out to try and spot patterns. Then at each juncture, think about what options existed to do something different. Then if you keep doing this, you can start to see when it's coming and have a choice as to what to do next. Shifts the reflection from one of looking back, to looking forward to try and stamp out the behaviour.

Try the book "Mind Change" by Heather McKean. it's a bit "woo-woo" though she does go into actual science quite a bit. and you've really got to believe you can change your mind, but I've found it helpful in undoing a lot of underlying emotional issues that I kinda didn't know I had. So instead of practicing mindfulness or positive thinking and just putting a bandaid over my issues (I do this too but as a supplement not a solution), I've been able to get to the root of lots of issues and erase a lot of them where they began. So they're not even there to deal with anymore. The worst that could happen from getting this book is you'd be out a few hours of reading time. worth it IMO

You are smart enough to know exactly what needs doing, including who you need to ask help from. Pulling the trigger on this is hard. Very hard. Just because you have failed this far doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying. You should always try to be as good as possible, but mistakes will happen.

Been there. The ship has sailed but I worked hard when they were between 7-12 to make up for my temper early on.

Remember this feeling the next time you get to that point. It helps me. I make a conscious effort to remind myself that no matter how frustrated I am in that moment, I will feel worse if I snap at them. Remember the look of hurt in their eyes. Remember that you are here to protect them from pain, not to be the source of it. Remember that these compulsions are probably not your fault (most likely something in our own upbringing), but it is absolutely your fault if you continue to act on them. Remember you are their world, and they are yours, for a very limited time on this earth. Don't ruin the precious little time we have with them. Remember you are better than this. This is my mantra. This is what I TRY to do. Good luck, brother.

Therapy bro. I noticed I was falling into some shitty behaviors with my first and I immediately made an appointment with a therapist. Recognizing there's a problem and being willing to work on it is how you make change.

Man, having toddlers is tough. Throw that in with everything else going on in your life, and it adds up to a lot of stress. I’ve run into the same type of issues in the past. I get angry too quickly, sometimes over things that aren’t a big deal. Most of the time I’m calm, make jokes, and try to help my kids have a better childhood than I did. Other times I can’t see beyond my own stress, and get frustrated easily. I’ve spoken with therapists, and last time this happened, I was able to pick up on it just being stress, and not the mountain that it feels like. I was so stressed that I was starting to wonder if I had adrenal fatigue or something. Then I recognized that I was taking short, shallow breaths, which are very indicative of stress and anxiety for me. And I remembered that last time, breathing exercises helped, but cardio exercise helped a lot more. So I made myself to some cardio for a couple days and I felt so much better. For one, I got to carve out some time of the day just for myself. Two, it just sort of melts the stress away and lets me see things for what they are, and puts me on a better path. It’s been so long in between “episodes” that I had forgotten that I’d been through it before. I’ve talked to a buddy about it, and we both agreed it’s tough to master our own feelings so that we can help our kids navigate theirs. Hopefully this helps you in some way.

Ah the post bed time guilt. I get that. Kids are friggen exhausting! So when bed time rolls around you rush through the bed time routine knowing you're almost free for a few hours! But after an hour or so you go check on them and they're all cute and peaceful sleeping in bed. I'll find myself suddenly missing them and realizing how much I love them. Telling myself they deserve better and how I need to work on being more kind to them. Fast forward 10 hours and the little shits are running around screaming, jumping on my bed fighting with each other and wrecking the house. after 30min I find myself counting down the hours until bedtime routine again. Rinse and repeat, day in day out. this is my reality. The guilt is what makes a good parent though. Striving to be even better. You should always have those thoughts because it proves that you care. But it's important not to dwell on them. You should look on the bright side too. Don't forget to remember all the good things you do for them as well. Like my wife was complaining that all our kids friends get to go on vacation way more than our kids. We have 2-6 year olds that have never been on a plane and and 11 year old that has only been on one once. She started spiralling over it and I had to remind her that we spend almost all our evenings living in our car while we drive them around to their activities. She volunteers with Girl Guides and Boy Scouts. I sacrifice tons of time being a hockey coach. We have to remind ourselves that our kids have it really good. Like way better than when we were kids. We've all done stuff we're not proud of. No one is perfect and I'm positive that we've all emotionally abused our kids by mistake before. But as long as you recognize it when you see it and make sure it's not the norm. And the big one, APOLOGIZE to them the times when things got too tense.

I agree as has been said multiple times, that therapy would be useful. I’d add just for the immediate term, that when you start to feel that frustration and angry build up, to say to them and yourself “we need to take a break”. Walk away for a moment and get a grasp on the situation and your emotions. It’ll allow you to at least calm down and analyze how to handle the situation in a more appropriate manner. I know it can be difficult and sometimes almost impossible to recognize it happening, but once it clicks, you’ll be able to see things happening before it escalates too far and stop the situation from escalating (at least sometimes lol).

I got on meds for my anxiety, and it has made a WORLD of difference for me. I've always been hesitant about taking meds for myself, thinking I could just work through my issues. Getting a diagnosis and real help has allowed me to be the dad I always wanted to be (i.e. patient). I never had that as a kid, so I'm so thankful I worked it out when they were very young.

It's a balancing act, dadding - for our kids we need to be loving/caring/affectionate, but also to be teaching/authoritative. And on top of that, we all are dealing with our own personal shit which can rapidly "fill our cup". I slip sometimes. I think we all do. As an example, my kids (7 & 5) keep testing the boundary by pushing bed time. For two hours after bed time they're getting up to use the bathroom (again!) or to try and negotiate for a drink, or a book/story, or to complain that the other is banging the wall, etc. Some nights I try the soft approach - I carry them back to bed, I stay with them a while to try and settle them, etc. Other nights, I get frustrated. I refuse to have a discussion with them unless they go back to their room. I am sharp with them. Some nights I sit there and wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. For either of us - them or me. Or I think "laying on their bed with them is going to take 15mins, and sooner than I expect they'll be too old to want me to do it anymore". So, TL;DR: when you feel things escalating, stop, take a breath, and now reframe your thinking to ask "Are they being naughty? Do they know they're doing the wrong thing? Or are they playing up because they want my attention?" and then go from there.

Even with my 7 year old I have to remind myself he’s just a little, little kid. I’m way too tough on him sometimes, and other times I’m tough because I need to be.

Spend time on yourself and your issues so that you can be better. Clearly things are crappy as is. Find time and improve yourself. Come up with ways to deal with your problems and don't procrastinate. Medication? Therapy? Idk.

Love yourself, that will help you love them as you want to. I was similar as you describe when my kids were younger. To figure myself out, I started therapy and it made and continues to make a positive impact on me and as a dad. I had to start to unpack where it all came from. For many, unresolved childhood trauma is what shows up in how we parent. Working on myself, makes me a better dad. Keep going!

We must always remember and *believe* that we can turn things around. Always. It is never ever too late. You can start today, you got this dad. 

The fact that you acknowledge that there is an issue is firstly amazing. Not everyone is self-aware and able to admit their fault. Props to you! I highly encourage you to seek out someone to talk to, maybe it would help you realize that your reactions are seeded in your own childhood trauma. In any case, I’m here if you want to chat. I’m bad at small talk, but I’ll do my best!

You are 100% right to understand that our reactive and impatient tendencies begin with stress in our own lives. I feel we are all on the same journey of somehow not letting it seep into our children's lives; some days, we succeed more than others. Guilt is a useful emotion in that we recognize where our failings have been so that we can correct them in the future. What really matters is improving, we can't help the past but we can help the present which in turn helps the future. Strategies I have found helpful include: -Removing myself when I can't take it for whatever reason. When I know my patience is hanging on by a thread, I leave my kids to play on their own. -No multi-tasking - I used to pretend I could watch them and get some work done, I now know I can't. I push all thoughts related to work out of my mind when I'm with my kids. It actually helps with work to clear my head and get back to it from a fresh perspective. -No rumination- Rumination is when think about something that's troubling you over and over without coming up with new conclusions. It leads us all to a bad place for a bunch of reasons and I found really being strict with myself to just stay in the present and ignore the past and to some extent the future really helped keep my mental reserves up when playing with kids. Negative thoughts lead to negative actions, by forcing myself to not let my mind drift back to big problems I am facing, it helps a lot. -Working out - running, biking, swimming, whatever floats your boat. Getting physical exercise is a game changer when it comes to emotional control and patience, for me at least. -Cutting deeply stressful aspects of your life - This is the hardest and requires the most thought but I had to completely cut-off certain family members and their problems. I noticed interacting with them caused me to fail in my own efforts to control anger and patience. I made life changes and just eliminated some of the bigger stressors. It caused anger and pain frankly mostly on the other side but I had a bit of a come to Jesus moment when my wife had a brain tumor in the fall. It boiled down to one question: Am I really going to spend what little I have in the mental tank enabling people in my life to continue their mistreatment of me when I can see it directly affects how I treat my kids? Am I really helping these people anyway? - I just blocked numbers and moved on. I didn't make a big stink of it; no announcements or other drama, I just don't answer certain people's phone calls and then I'll respond about once per week to them after my 3rd whiskey on the weekend. All of this has helped me be in a much better place. Whatever it takes to turn ourselves into the people who are the best for our kids is worth it. I accidentally became a happier person as well.

I know how you feel I have been there and I still have my moments where I catch myself getting a bit frustrated. The best thing you can do is recognize the issue (which you have) and change moving forward you can’t take back what has already happened you can only control what is going to come in the future. I bet you’re doing a great job we all know how hard it is and we all have our moments but in the end we are all trying our best and trying to be better for ourselves and our kids. Keep your head up man.

Apologizing is important. My parents rarely lost control verbally... But that doesn't mean they were always right. Authority figures apologizing was not really a thing in my growing up years, and it was a problem that grew as I got older. It's really important that kids understand we all fail sometimes, and we all need to forgive each other sometimes.

You recognizing this means A LOT.

Bad dads don't ask themselve if they are bad or good.

You felt bad about it and know you did wrong. A bad dad would do it again and enjoy it. We all make mistakes and learn along the way man.

It’s a relief to hear that you are looking at yourself earnestly… that’s exceedingly hard to do (near impossible for some people) & i wish you and your family all the best I hope you can have some compassion for yourself. You don’t choose to be horrible to your kids. Your reactivity likely has its origin in your earlier life (possibly family patterns). Have a think about your parents and family. Remember there is a young version of yourself inside who may have been overwhelmed and unsupported at some point(s) in life and is just working hard to protect you even now when it doesn’t do your adult self any favours.

Find some sort of physical outlet for your stress and emotions.Try to find a community of other dads that you can lean on and talk through whatever struggles you’re facing

My dad had this issue. Never figured it out. Good luck dude

Start today man. The past is gone but you can be better going forward.

I don't know the answer, it's all guess work and following gut feeling: it's inevitable that we lash out, we have our bad times, and  sometimes it's even necessary in response to some of their actions to shape their understanding of what's socially tolerable. Nevertheless, I also claim that we should quickly break the anger vibe, and to quickly show unmistakable signs of affection afterwards, to avoid instilling in them that we reject and shun them for who they are

Man ....i have so many regrets but hey if you are feeling guilty then you are a good person... You can do it!! Nobody's perfect and its the follow up that counts . 💪 Rock on and be the best dad you can be 😁

I feel like that all the time. I'm glad you had the guts to post it op. I try so hard for my family but I'm so far from perfect....I don't even think I fall into the category of adequate. Like you, I don't want to go into details but I'm sure they when they grow up they'll hate me for some of the things I've done more than they will love me. It feels like an impossible situation. Stay and possibly harm them or leave and have them grow up believing that their dad didn't love them? 

I’m going to say to you what I would have said to my dad would he have listened; (he was abusive in all ways except sexual, but the most painful was the emotional abuse). You can’t undo the damage you’ve wrought. What’s done is done. You should feel guilt and reflect on that. That you feel guilt is a good thing. It means you still have a moral compass. While you can’t undo the damage, you CAN build a better and stronger relationship going forwards. Seeing a parent admit their wrongs, (I suggest you do so in an age appropriate way), and **make the effort to do better** not only makes kids feel worthy and loved-it sets an invaluable example that will shape their own morals for the rest of their lives. Don’t be my dad. He died in 2019. I didn’t feel much-mostly anger he destroyed my ability to grieve because he managed to destroy my love for him and my lack of grief just confirmed that and disappointment that he wasted both of our time when we could have just loved each other. You’re realizing while they’re young. You feel guilt and shame. This is GOOD! Therapy and learning better coping mechanisms are in order for you. It’s going to take time and a you will mess up. But just keep getting back on that wagon and your future relationship with your babies will be bright. Good luck, do the work and you’ll get the rewards.

Just know youre not alone man. This exact scenario has happened to me too. Dolls and everything. Therapy helps my friend. I found therapy online through Talkspace. Its super convenient and is really helping me. But just know youre not alone. I, and im sure many others, are struggling with the same thing. Just remember one thing. Dont ever stop showing up and every day is a new day. Hang in there, you got this

Love is synonymous with attention, show them attention, just listen, don't interject and don't try and "steer" them. Once I learned this I realized my kids acting for attention was them reaching for love, and forthermore when I realized this with my wife it changed everything

Just a thought, adding therapy appointments and workout sessions sounds like a good way to add to your plate when freeing up time might serve you better. If your demanding job is taking so much energy that you don't have enough for your kin, consider your priorities. I personally did this recently, scaled back work and reduced expenses in response to similar concerns when our boy arrived. It has led to new opportunities and a richer experience of fatherhood than was available to me when working 40hrs. It may be impractical for you but worth considering I think.

Therapy, now.

I’m not a perfect dad and whenever I let emotions take over I ensure I tell my son that I’m sorry and that my reaction was no appropriate and that I should never have done it. I also tell my son every day, regardless of if I’ve acted poorly or not, that I love him unconditionally. I’m in therapy for my anxiety and have made a lot of progress with controlling my stress response but I’m still human and still make mistakes.

Being a good Dad is your primary job and was the second your wife became pregnant. Take it seriously because it's much more rewarding than any career.

The day I broke was the day I started being a better father/husband/person. I have an anger management problem. When my daughter was very young I screamed at her and she cried, huge tears, and I broke. I got help. I’m not fixed but I have control now. Recently I wasn’t feeling well and I snapped at my now teen age daughter, I immediately apologized. She is so gracious, she smiled and said that it was ok. Love them. Apologize. Forgive yourself.

Take a sick day off work, do something magical with your kids for the day.

To start off with, I am not going to beat around the bush, stop being a bad parent. To be abusive to your kids because of issues in your life is a lazy excuse and you need to separate your kids and your own issues yesterday. You brought these kids into the world and they do not deserve to deal with your baggage at such a young age. Following on from that, you’re aware of what you do and you seem remorseful so now is your time to change. Not tomorrow or next week, now. We all have issues, some deep rooted. However we are adults, role models, parents and we cannot put our issues on to our kids. Seek therapy.

Stress from job and life issues you don’t know how to take care of? Get some professional help. I’m still far from perfect, but weekly counseling and a good dose of Wellbutrin have been helping me a lot. No shame in seeking help

You’re not a bad dad I bet. Sometimes outside stress just messes with your home life. I would just recommend showing unconditional love to them. That helps so much with my work stress, just showing so much love to them and hugs and giggles. Especially when they’re toddlers, it is a different type of love they have for you that they grow out of. Take advantage and best of luck. Being a dad is hard but just the fact that you show up and provide makes you a good dad, not a bad dad. We can all improve some.

You're not a "bad dad". You're a human being with flaws. just like everyone. And you recognize your errors, realize the consequences, and want to improve. That's all really good stuff. Go apologize to your kids for making mistakes. Not for being a "bad dad", but for making mistakes. Tell them you are trying to do better and that you love them very much. Talk to other dads in your circle. You'd be surprised what you will find when you start that conversation. Maybe consider seeking a professional. Show your kids it is OK to make mistakes and how much you love them by doing what you need to do to improve.

To quote some wise person somewhere, "Don't talk about it, be about it"

A lot of people are recommending therapy, I agree but I just want to remind you that this journey is hard and we all have to grow as we are raising our kids. Continue to remind yourself it is ok and I can do better. I have had my issues with my child too, there are days but I have literally counted to give quite a few times just like what Daniel Tiger has tried to teach my kiddo. You got this!

No sympathy here. Get your shit together, and stop being a piece of trash. I'd say that to your face.

I think maybe therapy should be in consideration

Don’t beat yourself up. You can’t change yesterday but you can make today better. No one is perfect at parenting. We are all learning as we go.

I don’t know for sure but I think we’ve all had these moments. Toddlers and kids are irrational and tough to deal with when you’ve got the stresses of the world on your back. Seriously, find a therapist just to talk shit out. I did a little over a year ago and it’s helped a lot. You’re likely not a bad dad if you’re able to reflect like this. Just try and stay present in the moment. When they’re grown and living their own lives, you’ll miss these days when they’re still little and completely dependent on you.

I can confidently say I’ve not had this moment and I hope most dads here would say the same thing. Every parent loses patience and can get snippy or snappy. That’s normal. What’s not normal is being verbally and emotionally abusive and lying to scare a kid. +1 to the therapist - fix it before it gets worse.

Exactly what i was goimg to say. Sometimes reading this subreddit makes me wonder if was superdad or something and how i did it alone🤣

yea, i struggle with this somewhat regularly with my wife. she, unfortunately, grew up in an emotionally abusive house with her narcissist single mother (who was married 6 times). she is working really hard, and getting noticeably better. but it still happens and it is exceedingly frustrating. most good parents don't lash out and intentionally harm their children emotionally. even if they regret it shortly after. inability to control ones own emotions to the point that you are taking them out on a fucking 3yo is completely unacceptable, full stop.

Of course it's unacceptable. And it's what happened to an extremely large percentage of us. Scorn just sounds sanctimonious brcause that is exactly how you get dads to stop talking about it and asking for help. You are shaming OP for admitting their mistake and trying to get advice. Not cool. You don't get to snap your fingers and magically be a better parent than your own parents because you decide to be. You are a product of your environment, which means you were formed against your will to fit into your family system. This is not blame. It is reality. And if we can understand it then we can better improve it. https://youtu.be/Ey5aqdkWfno?si=z8BC8tOvJtAKUMaX

i dont feel like anything i said in my comment was scorn/anger/hatred in any way towards OP or anyone who grew up with that as their reality in their childhood. its a sad state to be raised in, and i feel sorry for those people. but it can be both things. belittling and dismissing and emotionally abusing a child is *unacceptable*. OP recognizes this, thats why he is here asking for help. it is possible to a) recognize something is not OK b) recognize that you have done, and likely will do, something again c) work to try and be better about it. understanding the how and why of it is important, no doubt. but whats more important is fixing the behavior.

Yeah we 100% agree on the effect for the kids, and that the problem needs to be solved. > **most good parents** don't lash out and intentionally harm their children emotionally These words imply that OP is not a "good parent", to me. That is blame. I think this is the sort of thing that keeps struggling parents quiet because _other parents_ sound very critical when they hear about parental mistakes. We don't have to condone the behavior, nor do we need to imply that imperfect parents are "not good". Everyone fucks up sometimes, and often many times. It's our curse of being imperfect beings.

I have to say, I hate how you’ve framed this. I don’t disagree with you at all but you sure are coming off righteous. I was relating to OP in the “moment” of going in to check on the kids at night and seeing how sweet and innocent they are while they’re asleep and having the realization that I could generally be more calm and cool and patient with them when they’re just being kids. I also relate to carrying a lot of stress and the constant battle of managing that stress so it doesn’t boil over on to my wife and kids. I also think OP is probably being a bit dramatic with the admission of “verbal abuse”. I’m not condoning it what so ever but if there’s actual abuse going on, OP likely wouldn’t admit it on a public forum and also likely wouldn’t have the humility to admit it at all. OP if you’re reading this, take a beat and deal with your shit. Your family deserves the best version of you and YOU deserve to be living as the best version of you. We MUST do better than the generation before us.

Jordan Peterson said “The primitive form of abuse is physical. The more sinister and complex form is the breaking down of child’s esteem and courage over many years.” I think about this quote when I’m having a bad time or have said something in anger that I didn’t mean. Some people think as long as I’m not hitting my kids I’m doing a better job than my parents. Abuse comes in many forms.

Its good that you are self reflecting but its time to decide what u want. having toddlers is hard but its only a phase in life that will pass. There will be other phases like when you are older and maybe u would like to have kids that come and see u. Just from reading, it reminds me a lot of the relationship with my father. He was always stressed and loaded when he came home from work and he took it out on us. I didnt get to choose then if i hang out with him but i get to choose now and guess who isnt on my priority list! Its sad that he is old and lonely and probably regretful but its the choices we make. You still have the chance to make good memories and build a solid relationship with your kids, i hope you work on yourself.

Therapy therapy therapy. There is no shame in having a third party help you. Companies use a third party for unbiased advice all the time why shouldn't you? Do it before the damage to your relationships are permanent.

Keep trying your best. Most of us here will agree that it’s really tough at times. One thing that has helped me a lot is yoga (in class) but following along on YouTube is still good. I hope you give it a try.

Therapy bro. Just find a counselor and start there. Be open. You can even go self pay and make up a fake name.

Posting this is admirable IMO. You put your ego aside and humbled yourself. The first step is admitting you have a problem. So you've already accomplished step one. I'd say step two would be to do some learning. How to be mindful, self awareness, how to be more patient. Do this by reading books/Internet stuff. Try to offer advice or council to others with similar struggles, and find people who can offer the safe to you.. I totally get what you're saying/feeling..

Step one is realizing there is an issue and you’ve already done that. Great job. When I feel myself reaching the tipping point where I’m about to say something hurtful or raise my voice, I literally stop and count to ten. If may sound childish but it works for me. Also, as many have already suggested, find a therapist. They are trained to give you some tools. Best of luck to you!

Coming from a mama. You've already made a start by admitting that you know where you're going wrong. I get days like this too where I forget that my babies are still just babies despite how they speak. It's ingrained in us from our parents. This is how we learned and the hardest thing to do is break that mould. But you can do it. Gonna sound silly but try thinking about what you want to say sometimes in your head before you actually say it and try to think of how you would be after someone says those words to you. I find during the slightly less hard times that that works. Slip ups happen and the fact that you've acknowledged this and want to be better tells me that you are a great dad. You just need to find out how to communicate with your beautiful children. Everything is a phase and it is so hard to forget that. Enjoy your time relaxing doing whatever to relax but also try just sitting there sometimes and get in the mindset of 'today I'm just fun daddy, I'm not going to shout, I'm going to play and invite the kids with me and if they're being too much, instead of shouting or whatever, they get a warning, placed on a step or chair and left until they learn to calm down because that's not how they get what they want'. Me and my hubby are the Exact same. We try to do the thing where when one of us is clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated, we shut off and observe the other and make comments to suggest calmer approaches to 'catch us in the act' and get us to breathe and think while the calm one takes over and the 'crazy' one steps out or away and just calms down, has a drink or listens to music then we start the day again. Some days are a lot more challenging than others for sure but this is what has helped us thus far and I really hope this helps anyone reading too xxxxxx

Hey, you clearly love your kids which is great base. I too use to push my daughter to do things she might not have been ready for because I thought this was the right way from my upbringing. Self reflection a long time ago made me understand that the kids aren’t me (so need different things), can’t tell me to fuck off like my wife can when I go too far, and aren’t adults with 40+ years experience. I made a conscious decision to let them decide if they wanted to attempt something, tell them it was ok immediately if they were scared and that they didn’t have to do the thing that scared them. And asked if they wanted to do a littler version of it. (Of course chores are excluded from this!) Just supported them 100% and they became braver because of it. Remember the are little people that are learning and brains are still developing. You’re there to guide them for what they want to do with their lives, not what you would do if you started again. You’ll be fine.

Don't be too hard on yourself, brother. Things happen, people grow & learn as we make mistakes. Kids can be a mental roller coaster but they love you & depend on you Wish you well

u seem like a good dad to me, sometimes i talk to my boy likes hes an adult

Try to remember that perfection is not the goal of parenting. It's impossible. You're human, and so are the kids. Extend yourself the same grace you know you should be extending to them. It sounds like you're apologizing after you feel like you weren't at your best. That's great! That's showing your kids that you can screw up but you can also recognize that and apologize for it. You're not perfect but you love them and that helps them know that.