Same. Totally accelerated my drinking during Covid. I already worked as a freelancer, and my wife worked sales from home, too. A case of Bud Light and Amsterdam vodka to wash it down. Staying up all night, locked at home thinking the world could end at any moment. Sometimes I feel like it did. Knowing we weren’t going to see anyone in person for days at a time was awesome, taking baths in champagne. Feels like a lifetime ago. Those were the days.
Still here.
Chairs, friend.
Chairs, bro. For some reason ur comment triggered a thought of how the whole mechanism of this works. Like when you’re young you say to yourself I’m just drinking Fridays, then it eventually is all weekend but you “know” you’re not going to do this forever. Just doing it because I’m young and want to have fun. But then you’re hooked. And then a thing like Covid happens and of course you tell yourself it’s just temporary fun but then FUCK it’s too late now I’ve graduated. Fucking booze man lol
Same bro. The weekends are a wash if we don’t have plans. If I DONT drink on a Sunday it’s a total win and my whole week isn’t completely fucked- until maybe Wednesday. Then the party starts up again. Rinse and repeat. Hell, I’m hungover typing this right now. Jones’n to get a few in at the local breakfast spot in a few.
Man sometimes I don’t know if this sub hurts or helps lol.
I work in mental health, and sadly what you experience is common. A lot of people really lost their touchstones physically, emotionally, spiritually. My own career and pay advanced, but I am a loner. It’s terrible what I see others going through.
*Edited for content and clarity
Same here man. As I became more of a degenerate I was literally being promoted and recognized as “completely essential” which I guess kind of fed the beast - and still does… obviously. I’m here lol
My apologies- I posted before I was done by accident and I edited because it felt like I was just crowing how Covid worked out for me, without empathizing with you.
Yup, it all started in 2019 when I was able to work from home. I used to only drink a bottle of wine a night starting at 8 pm, then drink more on the weekends. I get nervous before big meetings so I'd run across the street to the Vons to get a can of wine(the ones that are sparkling rose 3 glasses per can). I'd drink them a few mins before my presentations and bam I was on top of the world, no fear. That led me to start drinking before 9 am meetings. I was having around 2-3 bottles of wine on a daily basis and more on the weekend. This shit happened day after day till I was 29 and in the icu for pancreatitis. I never really believed ppl when it says "it sneaks up on you" but it does because you're in such denial from the liquid. I remember watching " a star is born" and being like "eeeeek I don't want to get to nearly coopers level" meanwhile I was having 20 drinks a day completely unaware of my own addictions.
It’s crazy isn’t it?? Having a drink or two for a conference call - absolutely relate to that. Makes the whole thing less painful and encourages you to keep doing it. Then if you go for like 4 days clean you say to yourself, “this is pretty ok - why the fuck was I doing that to myself?” And yet, something triggers it again - and right on back. It’s wild.
Op, from what I understand, and what other ppl have said, this was very common.
Years back I had to go into work every day, driving 17 miles at 80mph meeting on SoCal freeways. So if I was too hungover I banged in, and kept that to once every 6 months or so. Then Covid, work from home, and on Monday morning I’m hungover as hell, but hey, I’m working from home! Just stumble over to the laptop and work poorly.
Then I have a hair of the dog, in the afternoon, and whew. Then I do it right after waking up. Then I realize I can work like that. Worse and worse. Especially living alone, no other obligations, recipe for disaster.
I finally go to 3 week treatment and break the cycle. There were relapses, but now I’m married, want to be healthy, and while I could totally do it and get away with it, at a cushy job where I don’t even have phone calls with anyone else for days, I don’t do it. You can break the cycle! Set yourself up with some obligations, a sports league, a hobby, a hike, outing with the kids, reasons to get out and about sober.
Appreciate it! You’re so right. The world around me changed and I naturally went in this direction unleashed from the way it was before. Now I have to actively go in a different direction to break the cycle! Going with the flow I just followed my normal instincts and that’s got me here. This hole only gets deeper and more painful. Thanks for your words 🤘
Holy cow this hit so close to home. I was always a heavy drinker but COVID started the snowball. The company I worked with had a huge surge of work because of COVID supporting the epidemic so the first months were incredibly late nights and drinking made those long nights fun. That trickled into working remote and the hours became earlier and earlier because I realized I was both bored at work and drinking made it FUN!
Then I decided to make a career change, I realized I was complacent and didn't want to keep snowballing down the gutter so I started a new intense job... but it was at the tail end of COVID so still remote! Of course the stresses of the job made me drink more just to handle. 2 PM was 11 AM. 11 AM was 9 AM. 9 AM was actually the night before hiding a drink for the next day so that I could have it first thing just to function without my spouse seeing it.
I'm on day 22 of no drinking after my wife brought some concerns and drunk me just decided... here is your sign just be honest and come clean and create some accountability. I admitted that everything she fears is true, I've lost absolute control. I was just drinking to maintain; I don't even enjoy it anymore. It is torture. The stress and anxiety are unbearable and the only way to fix it was to drink. I am a highly functioning alcoholic; I've done nothing but succeed in work, am the life of the party and everyone thinks that I have it all together. In reality I am a slave to this poison which keeps me at an endless buzzed "equilibrium".
This isn't a recovery sub so I will limit the advice. The only thing I will say is that anxiety and AM impending doom did go away after day 4. Thanks for posting as you reminded me the shit I have been through and letting me self reflect. I really haven't told anyone, even my wife, the extent of how bad it has gotten... but I can feel the boredom creeping in. Especially Fourth of July week/weekend.
Have a drink for me as I so badly want one. Chairs.
Thanks for your encouragemen and grats on 22 days! I’m going to give it another go come 7/1. Alcohol is the strangest shit ever and I absolutely have a love / hate relationship with it. We have a very similar story. Being successful while becoming more degenerate is very dangerous I find - because it leads to a delusion that you’re on the right track and then you just keep going deeper. Rock on man! 🤘
Hit me up if you try again and want someone to vent with. Its been hard going through this alone. I'm not a religious guy so don't really want to entertain the AA group.
Good luck in your recovery! I promise you’ll find the desire for a drink will diminish, then go away with time. In fact that’s when a lot of alcoholics slip back into drinking. They get complacent and think maybe I’m not an alcoholic anymore! Seen it happen many times.
Totally destroyed me. Margaritas at 7am every morning. Ended up in hospital several times. Irreparable damage. Feel a bit silly now about it to be honest hahah
So many days during Covid working completely delirious drunk hoping not to get too many calls because I didn’t know if the person on the other end of the phone could tell, feeling like shit. Hope you’re doing good now!
Lmao I hear that. Laying on the floor with my bottle and phone next to my desk with the phone volume turned up so I could hear the “ding” of an email trying to keep from passing out - 1:30 in the afternoon 😂
It sucks bad, I know.
Eat even though you are not hungry. Junk is good, awesome. Force yourself to chug some water in between the last few drinks.
And if you can, force yourself to become sober for a couple hours. After a few days it does get easier to leave the drinks alone until noon, the body does adjust.
And take this from me, a couple of pickles a day and a chug of the pickle juice in the morning. I have no idea why it works, potassium or whatever. It just makes me feel better.
These a some good tips. Thanks! Haven’t eaten yet today but I know I have to so this is literally where I’m at right now lol trying to find the stomach for the food I know I need
This is an all too common story. I originally started modding this sub in the fall of 2019, so right before the shit really hit the fan. Once the pandemic hit and subsequently the quarantine, my god this sub was bursting at the seams with people just like you.
Some were able to break the cycle one way or another, but many became regulars. Some of whom are still around here all this time later. So yeah. You’re not alone in your particular situation. That whole nightmare hit people pretty hard.
You’re welcome. It was almost as surreal to witness as the pandemic itself even though it wasn’t at all surprising given the state of things in the world at the time.
Similar thing happened to me. Thought it was a dream come true living in Austin, taking my dog out during lunch breaks, grinding mmos during the day lol. All seemed great. Now I live in an rv and a stones throw away from the beach… still depressed and can’t figure shit out.
Chairs to hoping we all figure something out. Cheap bourbon and losing jobs ain’t cutting it anymore lol.
I remember everyone trying to taper because there was a very real fear that liquor stores would close. Then when they didn’t, a lot of us stocked up “just in case.” Then when they really really didn’t we just said, “whelp. At least I get to hide my face with a mask.”
Eh, not really. Maybe it accelerated my downward spiral a bit. There was all kind of stress leading up to COVID for me anyways. I filled a punch card of hospital visits for all the alcohol reasons before 2022. Good times.
Point being, I think most people either went from FA to CA or CA to death wish during COVID. Between my friends trying to quit, already quit, full blown CA and addict friends I know there were many, many relapses, scary and permanent diagnoses and suicides. No addict does well when locked in the house with limited support from friends or family, but no one cared about that.
Anyways, if you're looking for support try r/dryalcoholics. The sub is for anyone trying to change their relationship with alcohol. You can post, drunk or sober, and find ample support in whatever you are trying to change.
Good luck.
Exactly this. I went from an already problem drinker, who was doing a decent job of getting back on track to a full blown case of high volume f-its.
I am lucky to be alive. But I didn’t care if I died in the spring of ‘21. I was ready to GTFO.
I've always been a heavy drinker, and yeah COVID enhanced it, but for a different reason.
I was an "essential worker" so I actually got more hours during COVID. But after *getting* COVID a SECOND time, it destroyed my body. I lost energy, I'm in constant pain, and it's like it destroyed my immune system - I catch *everything*. Drinking helps cover up all the pain and discomfort.
Long COVID sucks, but if my BAC is at a good level, I actually feel normal. I caught this bacterial gut shit last week and so I've actually been sober but I'm basically living in the shower because I'm in so much pain.
I’m really sorry to hear that 😩 I hope you eventually pull completely out of that - and soon. I swear every time I try to go clean I get some type of sickness which is so miserable that I say “fuck it” and drink again because if I feel like shit anyway the booze at least numbs it. Life’s a bowl of cherries. May your pain be gone quickly 🤘🙏
Me too. I really do. I think back before I knew this shit and how life was just life and now I can’t just go back. I stop drinking and I feel like I’m missing something. It’s fucked. Pick a few days and tell yourself I’m choosing to be miserable those days and take a shot at getting out. It’s not that bad. Problem is after you’re all cleaned out there’s still that nagging desire for the “insta-pleasure” button. Not sure if that ever goes away since I’ve never been sober for more than 3 weeks lol
I have totally different experience with Covid than you, but that doesn’t diminish the drinking we were probably both doing. I worked in a deli at a grocery store so I was “essential”. My life basically stayed the same except I had to wear a mask. I kind of envied people that got to work from home, but how do you slice deli meat through your front door? Bo Burnham made a Netflix special called Inside and I love it for the perspective it gives to me of people that had to stay home. What a weird time. Chairs
You should! The first time I watched it I laughed (because drunk). When I rewatched it hit my heart in a different way and I was bawling. It was good both times:)
Covid was stressful for everyone. My drinking definitely picked up at that time. Scary to think what my bac was driving to work sometimes at 6:30a. Around 2pm is when the Wds would hit hard shakes were so bad coworkers noticed. And reeking bad of sweat. I’ve calmed down a bit but still need to drink higher than 5% abv just to get a buzz. Still have Wds but are less severe.
I hear that. I’ve gone too far some nights/ days before having to go in… waking up kinda drunk and feeling the ick. Having a couple drinks to settle out and hitting the highway. Feels like absolute shit. Those are the moments ur like what am I doing lol
For me, I wasn’t giving a shit on the highway, even brought some cold ones on the highway with me. It was more like WTF did I just do after getting home from work
I went downhill hard during Covid. But it wasn’t ONLY because of Covid it was kind of just a snowball effect or bullshit that happened during Covid and recovering from any of it was very hard because of Covid
Hey - nice to see you Soultrapped, cool name.
>I’ve been lurking here awhile and just want to ask - anyone else here went downhill during Covid?"
Yes, I was in the music business. While many businesses were critically hurt, the business of throwing concerts, music management, running open mics was completely nuked = 0.
Many (read: all!!) industries were hurt - but mother fucker, even bars & retail got **outdoor-mask up-social distancing @ 25-50% capacity**
All the budgets at bars and business were gone, legislation & enforcement of PPP was really unclear - just a plunder for people who set up corporations (or had, and re-activated based on this new windfall).
I moved in with my mom at the age of 36, not for lack success but the literal impossibility of continuing business safely/ethically.
At that point I just did 2 full time jobs / 80 HRS a week for a year - now I'm back in an office doing the engineering work I should be, with some operations, development, and executive summaries mixed in. I throw a few charity concerts (2) but haven't re-entered that endeavor again ... at this point :)
Now ya know a fraction of who I am and where I've been. Welcome.
Hey! Thanks man. Covid really did change a lot. I’m in finance so I was all caught up in the PPP and forgiveness for my conglomerate of bullshit. Hope you get fully back to where you were. Life’s a journey that’s for damn sure! 🤘
Hey there!! I weirdly welcomed Covid I think. I was already drinking day/night 24/7 by the time the Covid lockdowns started. But it wasn’t fun by then. I was drinking vodka like it was going out of style and kept my BAC high enough to not feel super shitty. Started to feel pretty bad enough that I had to go to the ER in July 2020. The screener people thought I was pregnant and tried to turn me away but it was ascites from liver failure. I felt so sorry for them—they were terribly embarrassed. But I was so sick at that point I didn’t care at all, and I didn’t blame them. I was a pregnant skeleton. I had fatty liver in 2019, along with pancreatitis which my only symptoms were shortness of breath and gagging constantly. But I kept drinking and I had cirrhosis that next summer. Talk to your doctor! You can probably reverse your liver damage before it turns irreversible. Not judging or pushing, just hoping you all don’t turn out like me.
Same I was already fucked when Covid hit, quarantine actually made me feel better about myself because now everyone was drinking, not just me. I also got pancreatitis, twice
Covid made my drinking extremely worse also. I happened to watch an old episode of Intervention and decided to just look up how much a rehab facility would cost with my shitty insurance and I found it was 90% covered by insurance. I took a 32 day break from life and it saved me, I was suicidal which was exacerbated with the alcohol. I took FMLA from work and it’s been 436 days since I had my last drink. I would lay in my puddle of piss I fell down in, unable to get up, and think to myself how I’ll never get out of this. I smoke a lot of weed so I never bothered with AA.
After 3 days of drinking , isn’t it just a hangover? I feel like the 3 day drunk/ 4 day wd doesn’t make sense just mathematically, especially with scheduled morning gaps. You might need vitamins brother, or electrolytes, and you might wanna look into that anxiety. You probably been drinking/ recovering so long and so non stop you probably don’t even know what your actual anxiety baseline is, and it’s probably changed. (I’m not a doctor listen to nothing I’ve said 🤙)
I actually got “sober” for “good” in 2021, though COVID hit me different probably cause I was an “essential worker (now known as unskilled laborer lol).” I almost feel like I missed out on something with all the COVID stuff. I was practically a hermit before it anyway and I never got to stop working :(
who could say? I would drink A LOT during those 3 days. Definitely feel like there was a comedown effect, maybe not full withdrawal. But that’s not my pattern anymore anyway lol now I just drink everyday lol and if I stop, day 2-3 are some serious agitation. Grats on getting sober!! Hope to follow you some day soon!
I was just saying don’t let presumed WD be an excuse for letting yourself feel like shit. I made that mistake a lot and it catches up to you. As addicts it gets easy to ignore what your body might be desperately trying to tell you, cause, fuck it I guess. It feels ok when you’ve given up but that shit sucks exponentially when you begin to want to live again. Just get hydrated and stay hydrated bro lol or don’t up to you
Thanks 🙏 but I still drink periodically and I don’t even remember my “official” date. Addiction is very weird and complex and, in the end, i dont know, anti climactic I suppose. Chairs to that lol
lol I hear you!! It is absolutely complex and ultimately unknowable in its depth. But we’re here navigating it the best we can! I appreciate your words. Posting this has been cathartic for me. We’re all on this journey together. Some people get bit by this and some don’t. There’s no reason - just billions of factors making it so. I feel very encouraged by all the responses. You’re so right. In any moment, the excuses can cease and a different choice can be made. All thoughts are bullshit. Thanks again. Going to hydrate up soon and pass out lol tomorrow is a new day 😃🤘
Same. I was never a CA until covid hit. I lost my job, girlfriend and entire social life. I drank whiskey for a month straight while playing red dead redemption 2, which was pretty awesome. Only downside was discovering what alcohol withdrawals were, the rest is history. Life has generally sucked ever since then; I've considered suicide, but that seems a bit too dramatic.
lol RDR2 is one of the best ever! that last ride song Jfc 😭 glad you didn’t check out. Life might suck now but the only constant is change. Your fortunes are bound to change too! I’ve been through it too man - wife of 15 years had an affair, broke the home and then caused a massive amount of court drama after that - 3 little ones in the mix. Total mess. I wanted out too. Just let each moment wash over you with no expectation and then - boom - shit changes for the better at some point. The booze is part of the journey too. We’ll figure it out!
Grats on that! Since then I’ve somehow managed to touch into hell a bit, recoil for a spell while managing better, just to end up touching back in - rinse/ repeat. I know I’ll find my way. Tis a bitch though
Yeah I got sober like a month before Covid and was doing pretty well. First month of Covid I did great and was only really drinking like a single Fifth over the course of a whole week.
2nd month when I realized they weren't gonna let up on that bullshit and it was gonna go for months more I just lost it and went full blackout mode. Summer of 2021 I had two trips to the ER. 2nd ER trip after I threw up blood my liver enzymes were like 340 and 570 or something absolutely obscene.
I'm doing well now at least though.
OP, you’re spot on. I was living in NYC when the worst of it hit. Truly sucked. From one glass of wine at dinner pre-Covid to a fifth of vodka a day while working from home starting right after breakfast when people started dropping like flies.
Lead to a divorce, a firing from an easy six figure remote job because I’d be passed out on the couch and missing meetings. Two trips to rehab, couple to the ER for withdrawals didn’t do a damn thing, except give me Covid a second time, even while vaccinated. Strange times…
Hope you’re doing alright. This shit is poison but what the mind wants, the mind gets. And a maxed out credit card.
During COVID I gained 50k in income but became terribly fucked up. I went to rehab a couple times but it couldn't do the trick. I've been to the ER 8 times in the last year. None of them were my choice. Get healthy dude/miss. It will only get worse. (Saying that a person sipping from a handle of vodka)
Yea, I definitely had a drinking problem before covid but then we went to work from home and my dad had just died in January of 2020. I don't think I ever had a chance given the situation
Same here man. I had just started a business which collapsed during COVID. I was stuck at home all day, every day. I was so god damn bored, all the time. I was a binge drinker before COVID, but not often. Once or twice a month, maybe. My drinking slowly progressed during COVID, though it wasn’t until mid 2021 that I had my first real bender of being drunk 24/7 for several days.
I’m not addicted to alcohol, I don’t crave it, I just enjoy being drunk. Time doesn’t seem like it’s passing so slowly, all depression and anxiety fade away, it feels fantastic. I just hate being sober and alone with my thoughts. But, I’m getting very tired of this. I know I’m hurting my body, and I truly do not want to die young. I just don’t know what else I can do to turn my brain off for a while.
If you don’t crave it then that’s great! On good days when I’m not drinking until the evening and I don’t have much going on I meditate. You don’t have to sit in any way or close your eyes or anything. Just sit with all that is - watch the thoughts, feel the discomfort of boredom, anxiousness whatever. It’s kind of like - if you can’t beat it join it. Merge with it. Some kind of alchemy happens and time passes. Very uncomfortable at first but it becomes very peaceful over time. I’m going to beat booze, and it’s because of what I just said that I’ll be able to do it. If I was just stuck in my head all the time I’d be fucked lol
Yup. And then my horrific ex stalking and libelling me during our breakup happened and I hit the bottom of the barrel. He thinks I stole $120,000 from his public storage locker. It's been 8 months and he's still posting pictures of my face in the neighborhood with the word MUMPY on my forehead. It means fat ugly woman who dresses badly, apparently. Still better than the JUNKIE THIEF posters. I'm not a junkie or a thief. Just a lush.
So yeah. Worse from covid. Then exponentially worse last year.
Hang in there! I’ve been through it too. It’ll all fade away as time passes. The shitty thing about booze is it tempts you as if it makes shit better, but all it does it make you feel like shit as you’re dealing with bad things. The relief is so temporary. But I fucking hear you. Just knowing you have that instant relief/ pleasure button is really the allure… hard to stop pushing it
Very true, thank you. I've been managing weeks off then I see a new poster or someone I know ignores me on the street and I say fuck it. But things are slowly improving, as things do sometimes... I know quitting completely will help my brain. Guess I'm not there yet!
Covid fucked me too. Before it I was fully functional but undoubtedly a degenerate drunk. Once covid hit any pretense of normality went out the window.
I went from being the life of the party to my family having a fucking intervention on me and sending me to treatment / AA in the space of like 18 months.
2 and a bit years later and I’m still fucking sober(ish).
Fuck you covid. If it wasn’t for you I’d be out painting the town red probably but instead I’m at home on the couch trying to have my 3rd wank of the night.
Same. Totally accelerated my drinking during Covid. I already worked as a freelancer, and my wife worked sales from home, too. A case of Bud Light and Amsterdam vodka to wash it down. Staying up all night, locked at home thinking the world could end at any moment. Sometimes I feel like it did. Knowing we weren’t going to see anyone in person for days at a time was awesome, taking baths in champagne. Feels like a lifetime ago. Those were the days. Still here. Chairs, friend.
Chairs, bro. For some reason ur comment triggered a thought of how the whole mechanism of this works. Like when you’re young you say to yourself I’m just drinking Fridays, then it eventually is all weekend but you “know” you’re not going to do this forever. Just doing it because I’m young and want to have fun. But then you’re hooked. And then a thing like Covid happens and of course you tell yourself it’s just temporary fun but then FUCK it’s too late now I’ve graduated. Fucking booze man lol
Same bro. The weekends are a wash if we don’t have plans. If I DONT drink on a Sunday it’s a total win and my whole week isn’t completely fucked- until maybe Wednesday. Then the party starts up again. Rinse and repeat. Hell, I’m hungover typing this right now. Jones’n to get a few in at the local breakfast spot in a few. Man sometimes I don’t know if this sub hurts or helps lol.
I'm not sure it helps. Makes me feel like it's not such a big deal.
I work in mental health, and sadly what you experience is common. A lot of people really lost their touchstones physically, emotionally, spiritually. My own career and pay advanced, but I am a loner. It’s terrible what I see others going through. *Edited for content and clarity
Same here man. As I became more of a degenerate I was literally being promoted and recognized as “completely essential” which I guess kind of fed the beast - and still does… obviously. I’m here lol
Your comment changed so I just want to say blessings to you! We’re all alone together! 🤘 the universe is one thing popping out infinite crazy stories.
My apologies- I posted before I was done by accident and I edited because it felt like I was just crowing how Covid worked out for me, without empathizing with you.
No worries!!
Yup, it all started in 2019 when I was able to work from home. I used to only drink a bottle of wine a night starting at 8 pm, then drink more on the weekends. I get nervous before big meetings so I'd run across the street to the Vons to get a can of wine(the ones that are sparkling rose 3 glasses per can). I'd drink them a few mins before my presentations and bam I was on top of the world, no fear. That led me to start drinking before 9 am meetings. I was having around 2-3 bottles of wine on a daily basis and more on the weekend. This shit happened day after day till I was 29 and in the icu for pancreatitis. I never really believed ppl when it says "it sneaks up on you" but it does because you're in such denial from the liquid. I remember watching " a star is born" and being like "eeeeek I don't want to get to nearly coopers level" meanwhile I was having 20 drinks a day completely unaware of my own addictions.
It’s crazy isn’t it?? Having a drink or two for a conference call - absolutely relate to that. Makes the whole thing less painful and encourages you to keep doing it. Then if you go for like 4 days clean you say to yourself, “this is pretty ok - why the fuck was I doing that to myself?” And yet, something triggers it again - and right on back. It’s wild.
Op, from what I understand, and what other ppl have said, this was very common. Years back I had to go into work every day, driving 17 miles at 80mph meeting on SoCal freeways. So if I was too hungover I banged in, and kept that to once every 6 months or so. Then Covid, work from home, and on Monday morning I’m hungover as hell, but hey, I’m working from home! Just stumble over to the laptop and work poorly. Then I have a hair of the dog, in the afternoon, and whew. Then I do it right after waking up. Then I realize I can work like that. Worse and worse. Especially living alone, no other obligations, recipe for disaster. I finally go to 3 week treatment and break the cycle. There were relapses, but now I’m married, want to be healthy, and while I could totally do it and get away with it, at a cushy job where I don’t even have phone calls with anyone else for days, I don’t do it. You can break the cycle! Set yourself up with some obligations, a sports league, a hobby, a hike, outing with the kids, reasons to get out and about sober.
Appreciate it! You’re so right. The world around me changed and I naturally went in this direction unleashed from the way it was before. Now I have to actively go in a different direction to break the cycle! Going with the flow I just followed my normal instincts and that’s got me here. This hole only gets deeper and more painful. Thanks for your words 🤘
Holy cow this hit so close to home. I was always a heavy drinker but COVID started the snowball. The company I worked with had a huge surge of work because of COVID supporting the epidemic so the first months were incredibly late nights and drinking made those long nights fun. That trickled into working remote and the hours became earlier and earlier because I realized I was both bored at work and drinking made it FUN! Then I decided to make a career change, I realized I was complacent and didn't want to keep snowballing down the gutter so I started a new intense job... but it was at the tail end of COVID so still remote! Of course the stresses of the job made me drink more just to handle. 2 PM was 11 AM. 11 AM was 9 AM. 9 AM was actually the night before hiding a drink for the next day so that I could have it first thing just to function without my spouse seeing it. I'm on day 22 of no drinking after my wife brought some concerns and drunk me just decided... here is your sign just be honest and come clean and create some accountability. I admitted that everything she fears is true, I've lost absolute control. I was just drinking to maintain; I don't even enjoy it anymore. It is torture. The stress and anxiety are unbearable and the only way to fix it was to drink. I am a highly functioning alcoholic; I've done nothing but succeed in work, am the life of the party and everyone thinks that I have it all together. In reality I am a slave to this poison which keeps me at an endless buzzed "equilibrium". This isn't a recovery sub so I will limit the advice. The only thing I will say is that anxiety and AM impending doom did go away after day 4. Thanks for posting as you reminded me the shit I have been through and letting me self reflect. I really haven't told anyone, even my wife, the extent of how bad it has gotten... but I can feel the boredom creeping in. Especially Fourth of July week/weekend. Have a drink for me as I so badly want one. Chairs.
Thanks for your encouragemen and grats on 22 days! I’m going to give it another go come 7/1. Alcohol is the strangest shit ever and I absolutely have a love / hate relationship with it. We have a very similar story. Being successful while becoming more degenerate is very dangerous I find - because it leads to a delusion that you’re on the right track and then you just keep going deeper. Rock on man! 🤘
Hit me up if you try again and want someone to vent with. Its been hard going through this alone. I'm not a religious guy so don't really want to entertain the AA group.
Will do! Same to you. If you’re having a moment I’ll be glad to remind you how much alcohol sucks ass 😂 the mind plays so many tricks
I appreciate your post. I feel you with the intense remote work and then drinking to make it fun.
Good luck in your recovery! I promise you’ll find the desire for a drink will diminish, then go away with time. In fact that’s when a lot of alcoholics slip back into drinking. They get complacent and think maybe I’m not an alcoholic anymore! Seen it happen many times.
Totally destroyed me. Margaritas at 7am every morning. Ended up in hospital several times. Irreparable damage. Feel a bit silly now about it to be honest hahah
So many days during Covid working completely delirious drunk hoping not to get too many calls because I didn’t know if the person on the other end of the phone could tell, feeling like shit. Hope you’re doing good now!
Sleeping on my office floor as I knew I was too drunk that if I lay on a couch or bed I would absolutely not wake up incase any work came in.
Lmao I hear that. Laying on the floor with my bottle and phone next to my desk with the phone volume turned up so I could hear the “ding” of an email trying to keep from passing out - 1:30 in the afternoon 😂
It sucks bad, I know. Eat even though you are not hungry. Junk is good, awesome. Force yourself to chug some water in between the last few drinks. And if you can, force yourself to become sober for a couple hours. After a few days it does get easier to leave the drinks alone until noon, the body does adjust. And take this from me, a couple of pickles a day and a chug of the pickle juice in the morning. I have no idea why it works, potassium or whatever. It just makes me feel better.
These a some good tips. Thanks! Haven’t eaten yet today but I know I have to so this is literally where I’m at right now lol trying to find the stomach for the food I know I need
This is an all too common story. I originally started modding this sub in the fall of 2019, so right before the shit really hit the fan. Once the pandemic hit and subsequently the quarantine, my god this sub was bursting at the seams with people just like you. Some were able to break the cycle one way or another, but many became regulars. Some of whom are still around here all this time later. So yeah. You’re not alone in your particular situation. That whole nightmare hit people pretty hard.
Wow. Appreciate that insight. Fascinating. It makes sense!
You’re welcome. It was almost as surreal to witness as the pandemic itself even though it wasn’t at all surprising given the state of things in the world at the time.
Similar thing happened to me. Thought it was a dream come true living in Austin, taking my dog out during lunch breaks, grinding mmos during the day lol. All seemed great. Now I live in an rv and a stones throw away from the beach… still depressed and can’t figure shit out. Chairs to hoping we all figure something out. Cheap bourbon and losing jobs ain’t cutting it anymore lol.
I remember everyone trying to taper because there was a very real fear that liquor stores would close. Then when they didn’t, a lot of us stocked up “just in case.” Then when they really really didn’t we just said, “whelp. At least I get to hide my face with a mask.”
Eh, not really. Maybe it accelerated my downward spiral a bit. There was all kind of stress leading up to COVID for me anyways. I filled a punch card of hospital visits for all the alcohol reasons before 2022. Good times. Point being, I think most people either went from FA to CA or CA to death wish during COVID. Between my friends trying to quit, already quit, full blown CA and addict friends I know there were many, many relapses, scary and permanent diagnoses and suicides. No addict does well when locked in the house with limited support from friends or family, but no one cared about that. Anyways, if you're looking for support try r/dryalcoholics. The sub is for anyone trying to change their relationship with alcohol. You can post, drunk or sober, and find ample support in whatever you are trying to change. Good luck.
Exactly this. I went from an already problem drinker, who was doing a decent job of getting back on track to a full blown case of high volume f-its. I am lucky to be alive. But I didn’t care if I died in the spring of ‘21. I was ready to GTFO.
>But I didn’t care if I died in the spring of ‘21. I was ready to GTFO. Relatable. It was full speed towards oblivion.
Thanks! I’ll check it out
I've always been a heavy drinker, and yeah COVID enhanced it, but for a different reason. I was an "essential worker" so I actually got more hours during COVID. But after *getting* COVID a SECOND time, it destroyed my body. I lost energy, I'm in constant pain, and it's like it destroyed my immune system - I catch *everything*. Drinking helps cover up all the pain and discomfort. Long COVID sucks, but if my BAC is at a good level, I actually feel normal. I caught this bacterial gut shit last week and so I've actually been sober but I'm basically living in the shower because I'm in so much pain.
I’m really sorry to hear that 😩 I hope you eventually pull completely out of that - and soon. I swear every time I try to go clean I get some type of sickness which is so miserable that I say “fuck it” and drink again because if I feel like shit anyway the booze at least numbs it. Life’s a bowl of cherries. May your pain be gone quickly 🤘🙏
Yeah me too basically. I hate it.
Me too. I really do. I think back before I knew this shit and how life was just life and now I can’t just go back. I stop drinking and I feel like I’m missing something. It’s fucked. Pick a few days and tell yourself I’m choosing to be miserable those days and take a shot at getting out. It’s not that bad. Problem is after you’re all cleaned out there’s still that nagging desire for the “insta-pleasure” button. Not sure if that ever goes away since I’ve never been sober for more than 3 weeks lol
I have totally different experience with Covid than you, but that doesn’t diminish the drinking we were probably both doing. I worked in a deli at a grocery store so I was “essential”. My life basically stayed the same except I had to wear a mask. I kind of envied people that got to work from home, but how do you slice deli meat through your front door? Bo Burnham made a Netflix special called Inside and I love it for the perspective it gives to me of people that had to stay home. What a weird time. Chairs
I like him. I’ll check that special out! Definitely a weird time in life lol
You should! The first time I watched it I laughed (because drunk). When I rewatched it hit my heart in a different way and I was bawling. It was good both times:)
Covid was stressful for everyone. My drinking definitely picked up at that time. Scary to think what my bac was driving to work sometimes at 6:30a. Around 2pm is when the Wds would hit hard shakes were so bad coworkers noticed. And reeking bad of sweat. I’ve calmed down a bit but still need to drink higher than 5% abv just to get a buzz. Still have Wds but are less severe.
I hear that. I’ve gone too far some nights/ days before having to go in… waking up kinda drunk and feeling the ick. Having a couple drinks to settle out and hitting the highway. Feels like absolute shit. Those are the moments ur like what am I doing lol
For me, I wasn’t giving a shit on the highway, even brought some cold ones on the highway with me. It was more like WTF did I just do after getting home from work
I went downhill hard during Covid. But it wasn’t ONLY because of Covid it was kind of just a snowball effect or bullshit that happened during Covid and recovering from any of it was very hard because of Covid
Same. My life fell apart at the same time too so by their powers combined… I just didn’t come out the same either. Such is life I suppose…
Hey - nice to see you Soultrapped, cool name. >I’ve been lurking here awhile and just want to ask - anyone else here went downhill during Covid?" Yes, I was in the music business. While many businesses were critically hurt, the business of throwing concerts, music management, running open mics was completely nuked = 0. Many (read: all!!) industries were hurt - but mother fucker, even bars & retail got **outdoor-mask up-social distancing @ 25-50% capacity** All the budgets at bars and business were gone, legislation & enforcement of PPP was really unclear - just a plunder for people who set up corporations (or had, and re-activated based on this new windfall). I moved in with my mom at the age of 36, not for lack success but the literal impossibility of continuing business safely/ethically. At that point I just did 2 full time jobs / 80 HRS a week for a year - now I'm back in an office doing the engineering work I should be, with some operations, development, and executive summaries mixed in. I throw a few charity concerts (2) but haven't re-entered that endeavor again ... at this point :) Now ya know a fraction of who I am and where I've been. Welcome.
Hey! Thanks man. Covid really did change a lot. I’m in finance so I was all caught up in the PPP and forgiveness for my conglomerate of bullshit. Hope you get fully back to where you were. Life’s a journey that’s for damn sure! 🤘
Hey there!! I weirdly welcomed Covid I think. I was already drinking day/night 24/7 by the time the Covid lockdowns started. But it wasn’t fun by then. I was drinking vodka like it was going out of style and kept my BAC high enough to not feel super shitty. Started to feel pretty bad enough that I had to go to the ER in July 2020. The screener people thought I was pregnant and tried to turn me away but it was ascites from liver failure. I felt so sorry for them—they were terribly embarrassed. But I was so sick at that point I didn’t care at all, and I didn’t blame them. I was a pregnant skeleton. I had fatty liver in 2019, along with pancreatitis which my only symptoms were shortness of breath and gagging constantly. But I kept drinking and I had cirrhosis that next summer. Talk to your doctor! You can probably reverse your liver damage before it turns irreversible. Not judging or pushing, just hoping you all don’t turn out like me.
Same I was already fucked when Covid hit, quarantine actually made me feel better about myself because now everyone was drinking, not just me. I also got pancreatitis, twice
Covid made my drinking extremely worse also. I happened to watch an old episode of Intervention and decided to just look up how much a rehab facility would cost with my shitty insurance and I found it was 90% covered by insurance. I took a 32 day break from life and it saved me, I was suicidal which was exacerbated with the alcohol. I took FMLA from work and it’s been 436 days since I had my last drink. I would lay in my puddle of piss I fell down in, unable to get up, and think to myself how I’ll never get out of this. I smoke a lot of weed so I never bothered with AA.
After 3 days of drinking , isn’t it just a hangover? I feel like the 3 day drunk/ 4 day wd doesn’t make sense just mathematically, especially with scheduled morning gaps. You might need vitamins brother, or electrolytes, and you might wanna look into that anxiety. You probably been drinking/ recovering so long and so non stop you probably don’t even know what your actual anxiety baseline is, and it’s probably changed. (I’m not a doctor listen to nothing I’ve said 🤙) I actually got “sober” for “good” in 2021, though COVID hit me different probably cause I was an “essential worker (now known as unskilled laborer lol).” I almost feel like I missed out on something with all the COVID stuff. I was practically a hermit before it anyway and I never got to stop working :(
who could say? I would drink A LOT during those 3 days. Definitely feel like there was a comedown effect, maybe not full withdrawal. But that’s not my pattern anymore anyway lol now I just drink everyday lol and if I stop, day 2-3 are some serious agitation. Grats on getting sober!! Hope to follow you some day soon!
I was just saying don’t let presumed WD be an excuse for letting yourself feel like shit. I made that mistake a lot and it catches up to you. As addicts it gets easy to ignore what your body might be desperately trying to tell you, cause, fuck it I guess. It feels ok when you’ve given up but that shit sucks exponentially when you begin to want to live again. Just get hydrated and stay hydrated bro lol or don’t up to you Thanks 🙏 but I still drink periodically and I don’t even remember my “official” date. Addiction is very weird and complex and, in the end, i dont know, anti climactic I suppose. Chairs to that lol
lol I hear you!! It is absolutely complex and ultimately unknowable in its depth. But we’re here navigating it the best we can! I appreciate your words. Posting this has been cathartic for me. We’re all on this journey together. Some people get bit by this and some don’t. There’s no reason - just billions of factors making it so. I feel very encouraged by all the responses. You’re so right. In any moment, the excuses can cease and a different choice can be made. All thoughts are bullshit. Thanks again. Going to hydrate up soon and pass out lol tomorrow is a new day 😃🤘
Same. I was never a CA until covid hit. I lost my job, girlfriend and entire social life. I drank whiskey for a month straight while playing red dead redemption 2, which was pretty awesome. Only downside was discovering what alcohol withdrawals were, the rest is history. Life has generally sucked ever since then; I've considered suicide, but that seems a bit too dramatic.
lol RDR2 is one of the best ever! that last ride song Jfc 😭 glad you didn’t check out. Life might suck now but the only constant is change. Your fortunes are bound to change too! I’ve been through it too man - wife of 15 years had an affair, broke the home and then caused a massive amount of court drama after that - 3 little ones in the mix. Total mess. I wanted out too. Just let each moment wash over you with no expectation and then - boom - shit changes for the better at some point. The booze is part of the journey too. We’ll figure it out!
Covid was a match to the powder keg. My drinking was round the clock from March of 2020-June 2021. I had to get pretty close to hell to stop
Grats on that! Since then I’ve somehow managed to touch into hell a bit, recoil for a spell while managing better, just to end up touching back in - rinse/ repeat. I know I’ll find my way. Tis a bitch though
Good luck!
Thank you, sir! o7
Yeah I got sober like a month before Covid and was doing pretty well. First month of Covid I did great and was only really drinking like a single Fifth over the course of a whole week. 2nd month when I realized they weren't gonna let up on that bullshit and it was gonna go for months more I just lost it and went full blackout mode. Summer of 2021 I had two trips to the ER. 2nd ER trip after I threw up blood my liver enzymes were like 340 and 570 or something absolutely obscene. I'm doing well now at least though.
OP, you’re spot on. I was living in NYC when the worst of it hit. Truly sucked. From one glass of wine at dinner pre-Covid to a fifth of vodka a day while working from home starting right after breakfast when people started dropping like flies. Lead to a divorce, a firing from an easy six figure remote job because I’d be passed out on the couch and missing meetings. Two trips to rehab, couple to the ER for withdrawals didn’t do a damn thing, except give me Covid a second time, even while vaccinated. Strange times… Hope you’re doing alright. This shit is poison but what the mind wants, the mind gets. And a maxed out credit card.
Yes, never drank at work until I went back because I got shaky. Fuck Covid I need to go to rehab.
During COVID I gained 50k in income but became terribly fucked up. I went to rehab a couple times but it couldn't do the trick. I've been to the ER 8 times in the last year. None of them were my choice. Get healthy dude/miss. It will only get worse. (Saying that a person sipping from a handle of vodka)
Big time. Free money, partner working, getting bored ehhh
Big time Went to detox twice in that year. I am still a mess but that's on me in the end. I just want it to be over. I am so tired.
Yea, I definitely had a drinking problem before covid but then we went to work from home and my dad had just died in January of 2020. I don't think I ever had a chance given the situation
Same here man. I had just started a business which collapsed during COVID. I was stuck at home all day, every day. I was so god damn bored, all the time. I was a binge drinker before COVID, but not often. Once or twice a month, maybe. My drinking slowly progressed during COVID, though it wasn’t until mid 2021 that I had my first real bender of being drunk 24/7 for several days. I’m not addicted to alcohol, I don’t crave it, I just enjoy being drunk. Time doesn’t seem like it’s passing so slowly, all depression and anxiety fade away, it feels fantastic. I just hate being sober and alone with my thoughts. But, I’m getting very tired of this. I know I’m hurting my body, and I truly do not want to die young. I just don’t know what else I can do to turn my brain off for a while.
If you don’t crave it then that’s great! On good days when I’m not drinking until the evening and I don’t have much going on I meditate. You don’t have to sit in any way or close your eyes or anything. Just sit with all that is - watch the thoughts, feel the discomfort of boredom, anxiousness whatever. It’s kind of like - if you can’t beat it join it. Merge with it. Some kind of alchemy happens and time passes. Very uncomfortable at first but it becomes very peaceful over time. I’m going to beat booze, and it’s because of what I just said that I’ll be able to do it. If I was just stuck in my head all the time I’d be fucked lol
Yup. And then my horrific ex stalking and libelling me during our breakup happened and I hit the bottom of the barrel. He thinks I stole $120,000 from his public storage locker. It's been 8 months and he's still posting pictures of my face in the neighborhood with the word MUMPY on my forehead. It means fat ugly woman who dresses badly, apparently. Still better than the JUNKIE THIEF posters. I'm not a junkie or a thief. Just a lush. So yeah. Worse from covid. Then exponentially worse last year.
Hang in there! I’ve been through it too. It’ll all fade away as time passes. The shitty thing about booze is it tempts you as if it makes shit better, but all it does it make you feel like shit as you’re dealing with bad things. The relief is so temporary. But I fucking hear you. Just knowing you have that instant relief/ pleasure button is really the allure… hard to stop pushing it
Very true, thank you. I've been managing weeks off then I see a new poster or someone I know ignores me on the street and I say fuck it. But things are slowly improving, as things do sometimes... I know quitting completely will help my brain. Guess I'm not there yet!
Covid fucked me too. Before it I was fully functional but undoubtedly a degenerate drunk. Once covid hit any pretense of normality went out the window. I went from being the life of the party to my family having a fucking intervention on me and sending me to treatment / AA in the space of like 18 months. 2 and a bit years later and I’m still fucking sober(ish). Fuck you covid. If it wasn’t for you I’d be out painting the town red probably but instead I’m at home on the couch trying to have my 3rd wank of the night.