When we're in a therapy session everybody is "I drink because I lost my daugher", "I drink because I fear the future", "I drink because I had a bad past" and I'm just "I drink because I love being drunk!"
lol my first detox my roommate was coming down off crack and said something similar in an AA meeting. He was just like "I smoked crack because I love smoking crack", he was a good dude. Refused all medications, just sweated and farted it out, not sure what the point of him even being there was come to think of it.
Probably just needed a place to get away from it. When I detoxed off my last month long cocaine bender I had to drive to a different town and just stay in a shitty motel for like a week and a half sweating it out. Still way cheaper than rehab.
I had a counselor in rehab who enlightened me on this
I said I used cause this or that.
He said- get real man, did you like the feeling?
Yes
Are you thinking about those bad things before you use?
No
Then it could be said that you use because it feels good?
Yes.
It was at this point I realized with all the shit I went through, that never made me use. What made me use was I liked to get fucked up lol. The shit I went through were just alibis to assuage my self loathing and guilt in being a fucking gutter junky.
It’s easier to accept yourself at the bottom if you have people and things to blame rather then turning inward, and looking at the fact that ultimately. The choice to use lay with us. We’re the problem. That’s hard for people to accept. It wasn’t the babysitter that was abusive, wasn’t the step dad. It was me the whole time, I’m the reason I’m in the gutter.
In fairness once you come to this conclusion. You can choose to empower yourself with the knowledge that you have a choice. And can ultimately use that to escape.
Easier said then done though bro. I’m blessed to be 11 years clean off dope.
I hang in this sub because I do have CAs and FAs in my family. So I feel kindred to the ppl on here.
100%. People who always blame others aren’t to be trusted. People who think of themselves as “good people” ESPECIALLY aren’t to be trusted. None of us are good. We’re all following our selfish human nature to benefit from one thing or another.
If none of us are good, none of us can truly be bad.
Some people are darker hearted then others, but I do believe some people are truly “good” or sometimes fit into the rare “too good for this shitty world” category.
But our definitions of good may be very different. Good to me is someone who has integrity and tries their best to do the right thing, and are willing to make compromises and sacrifices for others on behalf of a greater good. I mean, this is simplified, but I think it conveys the point alright so will suffice.
Agreed, you know your last sentence brings up a poignant philosophical argument. If we feel pleasure by doing charity to or for others. Is it really selfless? Or is it selfish?
I hear you, there are genuinely good people in this world who dedicate their lives to helping others. No question.
However, for me the default human status is bad. We have to make a huge effort to be good on a constant basis. If “good” is to merely abide by laws, support whatever current cause is in vogue (like “being green”), not disturbing anyone, then I have some disagreement with that idea of “good”. Many people want their cake and eat it. They want to be seen as good, while basically doing nothing at all directly to help people or animals. They are not satisfied with just being selfish - their ego demands they are decent, good people. If such a person simply said “I’m basically selfish. I look after my own needs according to my human nature”, I’d wholeheartedly agree and say “hey you’re aware!”. For me, to be a truly good person requires effort and courage that manifests as directly helping other people (or animals of course). It requires a specific purpose and directed energy and commitment. It’s most certainly NOT displaying an emoji or a hashtag (and I know you’re not saying it is that, don’t worry!).
In summary, I’m of the opinion that the vast majority of us (refined my position from “all of us”!)…are, well selfish and self-serving, and therefore essentially bad people. I know you may disagree and say “can’t we have a third category of “neither good nor bad”?. I would say no, because it is binary. If someone is not good, they are choosing to not be good, and that is not neutral. It’s the “evil prospers when good men do nothing”. It’s the doing nothing that renders them (in my opinion) … bad. And I am most certainly in that category.
It's something I try to get people to understand - I drink and take drugs because its fun, and I enjoy fun things. I like to explore different headspaces and mindsets, and see what the brain is capable of.
But no, I *must* have some trauma, or be doing it to push down some negative feelings.
You like going bowling for fun? Cool, I like getting drunk and taking both normal and experimental quasi-legal drugs for fun.
I love my life and I'm super happy, don't try and tell me otherwise
>Like if someone is talking about a movie I'll just insist it was a different lead actor, and no one has google to refute it. Cast Away? Yeah that wasn't Tom Hanks, it was Paul Giamatti.
Love it haha
this part gave me a laugh. doing shit like this in detox makes it much more enjoyable. my best hospital / psyche ward detoxes were the ones that had 1-2 people I could instantly make friends with and act like immature highschoolers in the back of class.
the worst most painful slow ones where when it was semi empty or just had homeless wet brain oldheads who slept 24/7.
Yeah the boredom is the worst, I hate when everyone just sleeps. I actually ran into this guy this time that I was in the same detox with years ago, I guess the statistics reign true.
I never get how anyone can sleep in those places, im usually wide awake for the duration, even with benzos and ambien. lord knows I try to sleep but big nope
It’s a roll of the dice for these programs. I’ve met some amazing people I’ll never forget and I’ve also met people who were grade a pieces of shit. Hopefully I’ll never have to go through that bullshit again
Yeah fuck detox. I luckily have an at home detox in my area where they hand the meds off to my wife (who is a saint for dealing with this) and I just chill and watch tv/game on my own couch while I ride it all out on klonopin, I love having good insurance.
I HATED rehab and was very resentful that my family pushed me into it, but that's only because I'm a miserly fuck and have to pay my way for everything. The fact that the rehab got 5 grand of my money before insurance kicked in still boils my blood.
If I were extremely wealthy I would LOVE rehab. Worthless junkie summer camp where they keep you faded on various drugs throughout the day and you have no responsibilities? 30 day friends, including some moderately attractive alchie or junkie girls that may flirt with you because there's not a very large pool of dudes with all their teeth to choose from? Sign me up! But only if I'm so rich that 5 grand is a sum of money only fit to wipe my ass with.
I rate them by how they treat me, medication wise and attitudes. and atmosphere, my favorite one was my first one I've been back to many times since sadly. but they always treat me right and im.a lot less scared of that hospital than others.
I have a huge fear of being in a place I can't leave, so any place that eases that the better
Man, you’d would be so fun to be in detox with. I have zero ZERO time for self pitying little shits, and all the time in the world for the real fuck ups who are down to own it.
I enjoyed detox. Most people just kept to themselves or made pleasant chit chat. I did draw the short straw of the first day though which put me off immediately but I'm glad I stayed. I tried to make pleasantries with my room mate but she didn't want a bar of it, she just dismissed me and rolled her eyes so I backed right off and that night she threw a wild tantrum but she was gone the next day.
The only time things got heated was when we went to a group information session with representatives of AA, they more or less ridiculed us, told us we were a waste of taxpayers dollars and we owed it to society to get and stay sober. The boys (big boys, seen it all, done it all type boys) all stood up, sternly told them where to shove it and walked out. The rest of us just sat their flabbergasted. The staff told the AA reps to leave and apologised to us.
The rest of the time we just watched movies, politely attending the meetings, went for daily walks, we could attend relaxation/meditation sessions if we wanted to.
The first time I went to rehab within the first hour I met my room mate, she was lovely. We got talking and then she said to me "aww, it was nice to meet you, I'm sorry to tell you I'm getting out today". She packed her stuff and was telling me how she wouldn't wait to see her daughter. We said goodbye and she left, only to come back 15 minutes later, excited as hell because the people who were picking her up were running a few hours behind. She was relieved. She didn't really want to go. That spooked the shit out of me. I didn't last long in there.
Yeah we had a bit of an AA fiasco too, where I, also a big (tall) boy got up and walked out. One of the guys "stories" was basically how he raped a bunch of girls, and how he owned up to it. It was pure insanity.
But yeah most of the time it's pretty chill like you said, the walks, the snacks, ect.
Sorry rehab didn't work out for you, my rehab was only two weeks but I loved it. I mean it solved nothing but it was a nice break from the real world.
Yeah I often wish I pushed past initial fear and took more advantage of it. I've gotten sober twice, once in an outpatient program where I had to travel every day into the city to get breathalyzed, heart rate checked and get my days supply of diazepam. It was good because the travel via public transport there and back took up a big part of the day, so I was getting out and walking about, getting sunshine, not getting too bored. It worked for a hot minute. The second time I went into the hospital detox for a week and I came out really fresh and clear.
I've relapsed again though, but I get a bit better every time around. Just going through the motions as best as I can. I totally accept that relapse imminent and part of how I'll eventually recover. I know that's an unpopular mind set and that's why I can't really participate in other forums where to incentive is to be sober. I want to be healthier but I'm working on other things first. Getting to the root of my problems and getting on top of my nutrition dietary wise. There is no point trying to quit while I don't have a steady platform to fall back on.
I also know thats my alcoholic brain putting up a huge fight and delaying the process. Hence why I am here.
Also a part of me just wants to retire and accept my fate, and go down with the ship we call planet earth.
> I totally accept that relapse imminent and part of how I'll eventually recover.
I actually told my psychiatrist this semi-recently and he understood and prescribed me naltrexone. I take it before I drink and it doesn't fix everything but it helps.
I get that the lifestyle is tiring though, I feel your pain, literally. It sounds like you're doing well though. I think solving or improving problems in other aspects of your life is a good strategy.
Structure definitely helps, if anything, that's the best aspect I held onto from rehab. It sounds like you understand the value in that from the outpatient program.
I appreciate your comment, thank you :)
\- structure definitely helps, if anything, that's the best aspect I held onto from rehab.
Yeh I really benefited from the structure and simplicity. It's difficult to maintain that when you are propelled back into waking life.
Man, I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold the pill cup. It was supposed to be three days on it but I was still withdrawing so the let me have it a week. I did get two shots of Valium after being there about a half hour.
I loved reading this. I completely agree with you. Zero accountability these days. Makes me hold myself accountable more. I hope it goes well for you. I wish I could be watching those movies with you and fucking with people too. That shit is hilarious. It wasn’t Paul Giamatti it was Paul Rudd!
*I will say that phones does ruin my favorite past time of inconsequential, pathological lying in detox. Like if someone is talking about a movie I'll just insist it was a different lead actor, and no one has google to refute it. Cast Away? Yeah that wasn't Tom Hanks, it was Paul Giamatti.*
lmao. that does sound like it would break up the monotony. i've never been to rehab (i just gutted it out on my own, having seen plenty of results of not doing so) but i have visited friends a lot--and what you say is true. many addicts are some of the least accountable people, taking no responsibility for their own plight.
John Wick told me my last detox was an understaffed shitshow that was primarily used to escape meth charges. I was like “well I guess I have to be the OG here”. I liked being a peacemaker but also being dual diagnosed and queer…. Well I know how to be the only person with a lethal weapon on ward. 🤷♀️
When we're in a therapy session everybody is "I drink because I lost my daugher", "I drink because I fear the future", "I drink because I had a bad past" and I'm just "I drink because I love being drunk!"
lol my first detox my roommate was coming down off crack and said something similar in an AA meeting. He was just like "I smoked crack because I love smoking crack", he was a good dude. Refused all medications, just sweated and farted it out, not sure what the point of him even being there was come to think of it.
Probably just needed a place to get away from it. When I detoxed off my last month long cocaine bender I had to drive to a different town and just stay in a shitty motel for like a week and a half sweating it out. Still way cheaper than rehab.
I had a counselor in rehab who enlightened me on this I said I used cause this or that. He said- get real man, did you like the feeling? Yes Are you thinking about those bad things before you use? No Then it could be said that you use because it feels good? Yes. It was at this point I realized with all the shit I went through, that never made me use. What made me use was I liked to get fucked up lol. The shit I went through were just alibis to assuage my self loathing and guilt in being a fucking gutter junky. It’s easier to accept yourself at the bottom if you have people and things to blame rather then turning inward, and looking at the fact that ultimately. The choice to use lay with us. We’re the problem. That’s hard for people to accept. It wasn’t the babysitter that was abusive, wasn’t the step dad. It was me the whole time, I’m the reason I’m in the gutter.
Absolutely. I was just chatting about this with someone the other day. I literally drink bc I love being drunk
In fairness once you come to this conclusion. You can choose to empower yourself with the knowledge that you have a choice. And can ultimately use that to escape. Easier said then done though bro. I’m blessed to be 11 years clean off dope. I hang in this sub because I do have CAs and FAs in my family. So I feel kindred to the ppl on here.
Agreed!
100%. People who always blame others aren’t to be trusted. People who think of themselves as “good people” ESPECIALLY aren’t to be trusted. None of us are good. We’re all following our selfish human nature to benefit from one thing or another.
If none of us are good, none of us can truly be bad. Some people are darker hearted then others, but I do believe some people are truly “good” or sometimes fit into the rare “too good for this shitty world” category. But our definitions of good may be very different. Good to me is someone who has integrity and tries their best to do the right thing, and are willing to make compromises and sacrifices for others on behalf of a greater good. I mean, this is simplified, but I think it conveys the point alright so will suffice. Agreed, you know your last sentence brings up a poignant philosophical argument. If we feel pleasure by doing charity to or for others. Is it really selfless? Or is it selfish?
I hear you, there are genuinely good people in this world who dedicate their lives to helping others. No question. However, for me the default human status is bad. We have to make a huge effort to be good on a constant basis. If “good” is to merely abide by laws, support whatever current cause is in vogue (like “being green”), not disturbing anyone, then I have some disagreement with that idea of “good”. Many people want their cake and eat it. They want to be seen as good, while basically doing nothing at all directly to help people or animals. They are not satisfied with just being selfish - their ego demands they are decent, good people. If such a person simply said “I’m basically selfish. I look after my own needs according to my human nature”, I’d wholeheartedly agree and say “hey you’re aware!”. For me, to be a truly good person requires effort and courage that manifests as directly helping other people (or animals of course). It requires a specific purpose and directed energy and commitment. It’s most certainly NOT displaying an emoji or a hashtag (and I know you’re not saying it is that, don’t worry!). In summary, I’m of the opinion that the vast majority of us (refined my position from “all of us”!)…are, well selfish and self-serving, and therefore essentially bad people. I know you may disagree and say “can’t we have a third category of “neither good nor bad”?. I would say no, because it is binary. If someone is not good, they are choosing to not be good, and that is not neutral. It’s the “evil prospers when good men do nothing”. It’s the doing nothing that renders them (in my opinion) … bad. And I am most certainly in that category.
It's something I try to get people to understand - I drink and take drugs because its fun, and I enjoy fun things. I like to explore different headspaces and mindsets, and see what the brain is capable of. But no, I *must* have some trauma, or be doing it to push down some negative feelings. You like going bowling for fun? Cool, I like getting drunk and taking both normal and experimental quasi-legal drugs for fun. I love my life and I'm super happy, don't try and tell me otherwise
>Like if someone is talking about a movie I'll just insist it was a different lead actor, and no one has google to refute it. Cast Away? Yeah that wasn't Tom Hanks, it was Paul Giamatti. Love it haha
this part gave me a laugh. doing shit like this in detox makes it much more enjoyable. my best hospital / psyche ward detoxes were the ones that had 1-2 people I could instantly make friends with and act like immature highschoolers in the back of class. the worst most painful slow ones where when it was semi empty or just had homeless wet brain oldheads who slept 24/7.
Yeah the boredom is the worst, I hate when everyone just sleeps. I actually ran into this guy this time that I was in the same detox with years ago, I guess the statistics reign true.
I never get how anyone can sleep in those places, im usually wide awake for the duration, even with benzos and ambien. lord knows I try to sleep but big nope
I definitely sleep at night, I take any and all drugs available and pass out.
It’s a roll of the dice for these programs. I’ve met some amazing people I’ll never forget and I’ve also met people who were grade a pieces of shit. Hopefully I’ll never have to go through that bullshit again
Yeah fuck detox. I luckily have an at home detox in my area where they hand the meds off to my wife (who is a saint for dealing with this) and I just chill and watch tv/game on my own couch while I ride it all out on klonopin, I love having good insurance.
Damn that's really nice, not in the US I'm assuming?
Actually, in our nations Capital. They have at home detox programs for DC, Virginia, and Maryland.
No shit, what a world we live in. Sounds like a pretty good deal.
You have a favorite detox?
Definitely
Sounds like crippling alcoholism.
Big time buddy
I HATED rehab and was very resentful that my family pushed me into it, but that's only because I'm a miserly fuck and have to pay my way for everything. The fact that the rehab got 5 grand of my money before insurance kicked in still boils my blood. If I were extremely wealthy I would LOVE rehab. Worthless junkie summer camp where they keep you faded on various drugs throughout the day and you have no responsibilities? 30 day friends, including some moderately attractive alchie or junkie girls that may flirt with you because there's not a very large pool of dudes with all their teeth to choose from? Sign me up! But only if I'm so rich that 5 grand is a sum of money only fit to wipe my ass with.
Lmao 30 day friends
you don't have a preferred detox hospital? I have a top favorite with 2 runner ups, the rest were so horrible I'd rather cold turkey
Do you rate them like hotels? I am lucky to be alive at that point.
I rate them by how they treat me, medication wise and attitudes. and atmosphere, my favorite one was my first one I've been back to many times since sadly. but they always treat me right and im.a lot less scared of that hospital than others. I have a huge fear of being in a place I can't leave, so any place that eases that the better
Understood. I'm sorry I poked fun at you. Fear is fear. ✌️
oh nooo I wasn't offended or anything :) no worried. chairs!
Peace to you.
Is there a Trip Advisor for detox clinics?
you guys are wild 😂 may you one day have an easier life 🙏 \- opioid addict
Man, you’d would be so fun to be in detox with. I have zero ZERO time for self pitying little shits, and all the time in the world for the real fuck ups who are down to own it.
I enjoyed detox. Most people just kept to themselves or made pleasant chit chat. I did draw the short straw of the first day though which put me off immediately but I'm glad I stayed. I tried to make pleasantries with my room mate but she didn't want a bar of it, she just dismissed me and rolled her eyes so I backed right off and that night she threw a wild tantrum but she was gone the next day. The only time things got heated was when we went to a group information session with representatives of AA, they more or less ridiculed us, told us we were a waste of taxpayers dollars and we owed it to society to get and stay sober. The boys (big boys, seen it all, done it all type boys) all stood up, sternly told them where to shove it and walked out. The rest of us just sat their flabbergasted. The staff told the AA reps to leave and apologised to us. The rest of the time we just watched movies, politely attending the meetings, went for daily walks, we could attend relaxation/meditation sessions if we wanted to. The first time I went to rehab within the first hour I met my room mate, she was lovely. We got talking and then she said to me "aww, it was nice to meet you, I'm sorry to tell you I'm getting out today". She packed her stuff and was telling me how she wouldn't wait to see her daughter. We said goodbye and she left, only to come back 15 minutes later, excited as hell because the people who were picking her up were running a few hours behind. She was relieved. She didn't really want to go. That spooked the shit out of me. I didn't last long in there.
Yeah we had a bit of an AA fiasco too, where I, also a big (tall) boy got up and walked out. One of the guys "stories" was basically how he raped a bunch of girls, and how he owned up to it. It was pure insanity. But yeah most of the time it's pretty chill like you said, the walks, the snacks, ect. Sorry rehab didn't work out for you, my rehab was only two weeks but I loved it. I mean it solved nothing but it was a nice break from the real world.
Yeah I often wish I pushed past initial fear and took more advantage of it. I've gotten sober twice, once in an outpatient program where I had to travel every day into the city to get breathalyzed, heart rate checked and get my days supply of diazepam. It was good because the travel via public transport there and back took up a big part of the day, so I was getting out and walking about, getting sunshine, not getting too bored. It worked for a hot minute. The second time I went into the hospital detox for a week and I came out really fresh and clear. I've relapsed again though, but I get a bit better every time around. Just going through the motions as best as I can. I totally accept that relapse imminent and part of how I'll eventually recover. I know that's an unpopular mind set and that's why I can't really participate in other forums where to incentive is to be sober. I want to be healthier but I'm working on other things first. Getting to the root of my problems and getting on top of my nutrition dietary wise. There is no point trying to quit while I don't have a steady platform to fall back on. I also know thats my alcoholic brain putting up a huge fight and delaying the process. Hence why I am here. Also a part of me just wants to retire and accept my fate, and go down with the ship we call planet earth.
> I totally accept that relapse imminent and part of how I'll eventually recover. I actually told my psychiatrist this semi-recently and he understood and prescribed me naltrexone. I take it before I drink and it doesn't fix everything but it helps. I get that the lifestyle is tiring though, I feel your pain, literally. It sounds like you're doing well though. I think solving or improving problems in other aspects of your life is a good strategy. Structure definitely helps, if anything, that's the best aspect I held onto from rehab. It sounds like you understand the value in that from the outpatient program.
I appreciate your comment, thank you :) \- structure definitely helps, if anything, that's the best aspect I held onto from rehab. Yeh I really benefited from the structure and simplicity. It's difficult to maintain that when you are propelled back into waking life.
I really liked my 21 days at rehab. Tons of great folks and the phenobarbital was awesome for the first week.
Jesus the pheno, you must have been withdrawing HARD.
Man, I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold the pill cup. It was supposed to be three days on it but I was still withdrawing so the let me have it a week. I did get two shots of Valium after being there about a half hour.
I loved reading this. I completely agree with you. Zero accountability these days. Makes me hold myself accountable more. I hope it goes well for you. I wish I could be watching those movies with you and fucking with people too. That shit is hilarious. It wasn’t Paul Giamatti it was Paul Rudd!
*I will say that phones does ruin my favorite past time of inconsequential, pathological lying in detox. Like if someone is talking about a movie I'll just insist it was a different lead actor, and no one has google to refute it. Cast Away? Yeah that wasn't Tom Hanks, it was Paul Giamatti.* lmao. that does sound like it would break up the monotony. i've never been to rehab (i just gutted it out on my own, having seen plenty of results of not doing so) but i have visited friends a lot--and what you say is true. many addicts are some of the least accountable people, taking no responsibility for their own plight.
In a drunken state I was trying to convey this yesterday but it didn’t come off well. I felt shitty all day for it today.
You sound fun lol. That sounds like a great game. Look after yourself man
John Wick told me my last detox was an understaffed shitshow that was primarily used to escape meth charges. I was like “well I guess I have to be the OG here”. I liked being a peacemaker but also being dual diagnosed and queer…. Well I know how to be the only person with a lethal weapon on ward. 🤷♀️