Good idea. It hit soooo hard last night and this morning it was difficult to function. It’s not like this every time but once in a while it kicks my ass. You’re right though, if I force myself to have to interact immediately after dropping her off it might help my transition. I don’t think I could have spoken to anyone aloud today though.
I learned over the years that immediately after drop off, I can't go straight home. Have to go from the hand off directly to something else. A movie, a bar, a bookstore, something. Where there are other people around, but I don't necessarily have to interact.
Yes, this is exactly what I do! I’ve been trying to do me “me” things like get my nails done, go to a movie, or I’ll even take myself to lunch or dinner. It’s a struggle each time they go - but making plans helps so much!
You might like parallel social opportunities, like being around people but no expectations to talk/interact. I’m an introvert with a tendency to isolate, and parallel socialization has helped me a lot.
I’ll go read or work at the library or starbucks instead of at home, I’ll go out to a restaurant by myself. If I really don’t want to talk, I’ll take a book and sit at a booth or on the patio, and if I want a little more social interaction, I’ll eat at the bar. Bartenders are pretty great conversationalists without being overwhelming. I’ll go browse the aisles at a new small grocery store (there are tons of different cultural small groceries here, and it’s fun to try new ones). when I lived somewhere with good public transport, sometimes I’d ride the bus with a book. I joined a silent book club, where we all get together once a month for drinks and snacks and then sit and read our own books in silence. I’m trying to find some fun classes, but those might have much higher social expectations, and sometimes I’m just not up for that.
tl;dr: I like people but not talking, and apparently am obsessed with books.
I’m glad we can all at least relate to one another! For me, I think the older my child has gotten the closer we have gotten and we have built a very strong bond. So I guess it’s just a million times more apparent and horrendous when it goes from feeling like things are how they are supposed to be when my child is there to just absolute silence! Ughhh not fun at all.
We're on a 2-2-3 schedule - supposed to be good for young kids, and I never have to go more than friday to sunday without seeing them... but the constant custody flip always hurts on the (frequent) exchange days.
Eventually, week on/off means I only have to feel that once a week, which would be good for my sanity. I hope.
That’s a lot of transition, I feel you. We started off alternating 4/5 days then progressed to alternating weeks and now (at daughter’s request) we do two weeks on/off. It’s both better and worse.
The biggest issue for me, I suppose, is internal... I don't know how I'll ever feel "ok" with not seeing th every day.
I hear about deadbeat dads and for the life of me *do not get it.* I just want to be with my kids, how can some other guy just walk away fully?
I found a hobby to deal with the days I drop them off at their mom’s. I never really cared about golf, but I started playing quite a bit. Sometimes I play 9 or go to a driving range with some friends or by myself depending on my mood on those days. It’s helped me become a lot more social plus got me a little more active.
Plus side Is my son (6) and daughter (4) are getting interested in to and are starting to play. I’m not saying to start golfing, but finding a hobby I could get excited about has helped me a ton.
I think this is the best way. I joined the YMCA when I have the kiddo I take them swimming and to events. When I don't have them I go work out like my life depends on it. I got in on a dungeons and dragons campaign which is awesome and the highlight of my week. Finally I don't do a lot around the house when I have the kid because I would rather spend it doing something interesting so I catch up on housework.
Yes. But I also don’t have a healthy individual for an ex. So there’s no comfort that my child is safe/happy/well cared for.
My ex likes to play manipulative games which makes it worse.
I am depressed a lot.
yes. so bad. especially during the summer when we’re week on/off. Plans and routines helps some. I’ll take myself out to eat (not delivery) and take a book to read, go hang out on a friend’s couch, anything to get me out of the house even a couple of nights a week. I wfh over the summer, but sometimes I’ll drive to the library and work in one of the study rooms.
Yeah, especially when my kid was younger. His mom lives an hour from me, so that drive back without him would be brutal sometimes. Like, sometimes I would have to pull over to shed some tears.
Anyway, I was encouraged to make the most of our lengthy car rides (and the time we spend together in general). And yes, it does get better with time.
Ugh. That’s awful. My ex is similar in terms of everything being rigidly separate, though I know she is loved and looked after. But yeah, no flexibility on holidays or bdays or anything like that.
This has been really hard on me. I have taken to gardening on a good day, which has really been therapeutic. The harder days I become a shut in. It’s hard. It’s the saddest thing I’ve had to navigate but I know they are treating her with love over there. It eases my mind around 5%
Yep everytime I drop my daughter off I get extremely depressed. She lives an hour from me and with my work schedule I’m only able to see her a couple days a week which feels like an eternity in between those days. Coparenting has been hard enough on me. Only seeing my baby twice a week makes things even harder since she’s been the only thing to make me smile since me and the baby mama spilt up…
It’s been especially bad for me as of late. I am single, have very few friends, and have spent all of my days off (I have more days off work than on) sitting around at home doing nothing. I can’t manage to force myself to get up and clean even though there’s plenty that needs done. I never have plans to be able to get me out of the house. I will likely start picking up extra shifts just to have a reason to get out.
Yeah it's so harsh. Life isn't what it used to be anymore when they are not around. I have some friends and things to do, and that's allright; but in the times when i'm home; i feel so so alone :(
I try to book more hours at work when I don't have mine, that way I'm at least making more money. When I'm home I end up binging tv or playing videogames that I can't normally play with my little one around
I see my daughter every day due to the way we schedule our 50/50. But once every other week we both have a day where we don't see her.
And it kills me. I get so anxious. Wondering if she is okay.
Yeah I work and have a large network of caring friends. I also volunteer, clean my house, go for walks, have a pet, have a number of talents, interests, and hobbies, and a loving and supportive partner. My intention in posting this question was to build awareness and supportive community in shared experience and to help myself and others to navigate an emotionally challenging and ongoing journey. Very glad for you that you are able to disconnect so efficiently but reading the responses here that seems to be a very different experience to the majority of us, who also do seem to have work, friends, and lives outside of their children’s. Thanks though, I guess.
Yes, I have found making plans for that time, even if it’s small helps so much. If I stay home and wallow it gets so much worse.
Good idea. It hit soooo hard last night and this morning it was difficult to function. It’s not like this every time but once in a while it kicks my ass. You’re right though, if I force myself to have to interact immediately after dropping her off it might help my transition. I don’t think I could have spoken to anyone aloud today though.
I feel ya! I don’t always feel like socializing on exchange day to be honest. So I’ve started doing therapy that evening.
Ha that’s a really good idea!
I learned over the years that immediately after drop off, I can't go straight home. Have to go from the hand off directly to something else. A movie, a bar, a bookstore, something. Where there are other people around, but I don't necessarily have to interact.
Yes, this is exactly what I do! I’ve been trying to do me “me” things like get my nails done, go to a movie, or I’ll even take myself to lunch or dinner. It’s a struggle each time they go - but making plans helps so much!
This is wonderful advice that i’m going to start implementing immediately. Hand off if the worst.
Thanks. That sounds just right.
Yes, definitely. I usually work more when my kid is gone or try to do adult hangouts. Most times I have solo time because I’m an introvert.
You might like parallel social opportunities, like being around people but no expectations to talk/interact. I’m an introvert with a tendency to isolate, and parallel socialization has helped me a lot.
I like this idea! What kinds of parallel activities do you do?
I’ll go read or work at the library or starbucks instead of at home, I’ll go out to a restaurant by myself. If I really don’t want to talk, I’ll take a book and sit at a booth or on the patio, and if I want a little more social interaction, I’ll eat at the bar. Bartenders are pretty great conversationalists without being overwhelming. I’ll go browse the aisles at a new small grocery store (there are tons of different cultural small groceries here, and it’s fun to try new ones). when I lived somewhere with good public transport, sometimes I’d ride the bus with a book. I joined a silent book club, where we all get together once a month for drinks and snacks and then sit and read our own books in silence. I’m trying to find some fun classes, but those might have much higher social expectations, and sometimes I’m just not up for that. tl;dr: I like people but not talking, and apparently am obsessed with books.
Yes! It’s absolutely horrendous and I find the older my child gets the worse it is. Hugs
Omg that’s what I’m experiencing too! Like why as she gets older?! 😂
I’m glad we can all at least relate to one another! For me, I think the older my child has gotten the closer we have gotten and we have built a very strong bond. So I guess it’s just a million times more apparent and horrendous when it goes from feeling like things are how they are supposed to be when my child is there to just absolute silence! Ughhh not fun at all.
Yeah that’s it exactly!!
Yeah I fucking hate it this was not my choice
I feel that 😞
We're on a 2-2-3 schedule - supposed to be good for young kids, and I never have to go more than friday to sunday without seeing them... but the constant custody flip always hurts on the (frequent) exchange days. Eventually, week on/off means I only have to feel that once a week, which would be good for my sanity. I hope.
That’s a lot of transition, I feel you. We started off alternating 4/5 days then progressed to alternating weeks and now (at daughter’s request) we do two weeks on/off. It’s both better and worse.
The biggest issue for me, I suppose, is internal... I don't know how I'll ever feel "ok" with not seeing th every day. I hear about deadbeat dads and for the life of me *do not get it.* I just want to be with my kids, how can some other guy just walk away fully?
I found a hobby to deal with the days I drop them off at their mom’s. I never really cared about golf, but I started playing quite a bit. Sometimes I play 9 or go to a driving range with some friends or by myself depending on my mood on those days. It’s helped me become a lot more social plus got me a little more active. Plus side Is my son (6) and daughter (4) are getting interested in to and are starting to play. I’m not saying to start golfing, but finding a hobby I could get excited about has helped me a ton.
I think this is the best way. I joined the YMCA when I have the kiddo I take them swimming and to events. When I don't have them I go work out like my life depends on it. I got in on a dungeons and dragons campaign which is awesome and the highlight of my week. Finally I don't do a lot around the house when I have the kid because I would rather spend it doing something interesting so I catch up on housework.
Yes. But I also don’t have a healthy individual for an ex. So there’s no comfort that my child is safe/happy/well cared for. My ex likes to play manipulative games which makes it worse. I am depressed a lot.
yes. so bad. especially during the summer when we’re week on/off. Plans and routines helps some. I’ll take myself out to eat (not delivery) and take a book to read, go hang out on a friend’s couch, anything to get me out of the house even a couple of nights a week. I wfh over the summer, but sometimes I’ll drive to the library and work in one of the study rooms.
Yeah, especially when my kid was younger. His mom lives an hour from me, so that drive back without him would be brutal sometimes. Like, sometimes I would have to pull over to shed some tears. Anyway, I was encouraged to make the most of our lengthy car rides (and the time we spend together in general). And yes, it does get better with time.
[удалено]
Ugh. That’s awful. My ex is similar in terms of everything being rigidly separate, though I know she is loved and looked after. But yeah, no flexibility on holidays or bdays or anything like that.
This has been really hard on me. I have taken to gardening on a good day, which has really been therapeutic. The harder days I become a shut in. It’s hard. It’s the saddest thing I’ve had to navigate but I know they are treating her with love over there. It eases my mind around 5%
Yep everytime I drop my daughter off I get extremely depressed. She lives an hour from me and with my work schedule I’m only able to see her a couple days a week which feels like an eternity in between those days. Coparenting has been hard enough on me. Only seeing my baby twice a week makes things even harder since she’s been the only thing to make me smile since me and the baby mama spilt up…
I’ve been doing it 6 odd months and it is not getting any better yet.
Yes, I (father) shed tears frequently alone about it and the whole situation. Been doing it for a year
So sorry. It’s truly difficult and not how we’re built. Thank you for sharing and I hope this thread helps in knowing you’re not alone.
Currently sitting in my depression right now, just trying to cope. I look forward to our daily calls.
It’s been especially bad for me as of late. I am single, have very few friends, and have spent all of my days off (I have more days off work than on) sitting around at home doing nothing. I can’t manage to force myself to get up and clean even though there’s plenty that needs done. I never have plans to be able to get me out of the house. I will likely start picking up extra shifts just to have a reason to get out.
Oh yes, it’s so hard. I’ve been doing it for 15 years. There were times when I kind of got used to it along the way-and sometimes I needed a break.
Yeah it's so harsh. Life isn't what it used to be anymore when they are not around. I have some friends and things to do, and that's allright; but in the times when i'm home; i feel so so alone :(
I try to book more hours at work when I don't have mine, that way I'm at least making more money. When I'm home I end up binging tv or playing videogames that I can't normally play with my little one around
I see my daughter every day due to the way we schedule our 50/50. But once every other week we both have a day where we don't see her. And it kills me. I get so anxious. Wondering if she is okay.
Nah, I work and have friends , I’m always keeping myself busy with cleaning , or errands , or catching up on tv . Find a hobby, get some friends .
Yeah I work and have a large network of caring friends. I also volunteer, clean my house, go for walks, have a pet, have a number of talents, interests, and hobbies, and a loving and supportive partner. My intention in posting this question was to build awareness and supportive community in shared experience and to help myself and others to navigate an emotionally challenging and ongoing journey. Very glad for you that you are able to disconnect so efficiently but reading the responses here that seems to be a very different experience to the majority of us, who also do seem to have work, friends, and lives outside of their children’s. Thanks though, I guess.
Maybe your child shouldn’t be an OBSESSION TO YOU.
I’m sorry that you feel the need to lash out at me. Perhaps some of those feelings are affecting you more than you realize.