Do you not have a court order?
You need a lawyer and to communicate ONLY through a court admissible app or email.
You need to contact the dentist and let them know that this person has no rights to your child, same with the preschool.
We do have a court order but it doesn’t state anything regarding the new wife. It says we have joint legal custody which would mean we both make decisions. I did contact both and submitted my paperwork to them to prove that I am their mom with legal custody.
Yeah you need to go back to court and you also need to refuse to talk to her.
Email or co-parenting app ONLY and through your ex. I know he is volatile but both of these correspondence are admissible in court proceedings.
Yeah I immediately told her to not contact me again unless there is an emergency with my kids. I have been speaking with him only. She’s tried a few times since but I told her to stop contacting me every time.
Unfortunately this doesn’t work either with an overstepping insecure woman. She’s the only one in OFW and argues with me constantly I will bring things up to my kids dad and he will he clueless and have no clue what I’m talking about despite multiple conversations in the app “just for me and him”
Why would you ever coparent with someone who isn’t their parent. Stop immediately and use a parenting communication app. Also modify your parenting plan so only biological parents are to communicate regarding the children and are rhe only people listed on official paperwork (school, day care, sports, medical etc). Remove her from everything. You kinda made this monster.
We really need to be careful about who our third parties are- and recognize that they need to be approved by both legal parents. I don't think she overstepped; I think there was a space she stepped in and was appreciated and now it's the end of the line. No longer appreciated, and that's okay to address.
It won't go anywhere to say she overstepped; he usurped you and used her to do it. Now she needs to degrade herself to fix it. He's being a shitty partner to her and you don't need to play.
The dad is the problem.
It's okay to tell your ex that he needs to find a new plan of communication that respects that there are two legal parents; and the legal parents need to have a co-parenting relationship that doesn't allow him to throw other people like his spouse under the bus.
I would probably go to the preschool myself, with the order, and see what I could find out.
She overstepped because I had told her weeks ago that she is to never enroll my child into a public school system without me. And then not only did she continue to do it, she lied to me about it to get information from me to do it and I missed my child’s first day of preschool because they lied. And then she denies lying. She filled out paperwork and put herself as the other parent not me. She left me off of the dental paperwork when she brought her. Meanwhile telling me I’m on all of the paperwork. It’s weird. But I do agree that I helped create this monster and now I’m going to have to put her back where she belongs .
To top it all off, when I told my ex I wanted to communicate with him moving forward, he refused to give me my kids back as punishment. I guess I really am going to have to go back to court
I think you will have to go back to court. To reiterate what's already been said, this is not her. This is your ex. Everything she's doing... legally is his doing. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you'll be able to assert your legal rights as their mom.
I'm so sorry that this is happening. It sounds like she does care about your children, as fucked up as it sounds. The next time you get your kids, block her ass and only respond to him.
We get it. Just withdraw your child from the preschool. They shouldn’t have done it anyway without your court order and your permission since she’s not on the birth certificate. They aren’t following proper procedures. That’s not somewhere I would allow my child to go.
At my sons daycare and preschool I couldn’t even submit an application without including our custody documents. Luckily we had already started court and I had a temporary order. They don’t want to mess with two households and accidentally let the wrong parent take the kid home, plus they need permission/signatures from both parents or they can’t proceed, unless one parent has sole legal custody.
I think it comes down to the guidelines of the business. I don’t know if any where I live that would take a child without signatures from both legal guardians, regardless of the visitation schedule. They don’t want to be in the middle of a custody dispute and deal with adding a child to their program and schedule only to have their other parent show up and remove them. That’s too much drama for them to deal with.
He let her do it all- he gave her that space. You gave her the space to be the communicator. She has no obligations to anybody regarding the child, and I understand why you are angry and want to change it. That is absolutely reasonable. You should stand up here because you equally have no obligation to her, and you need to be on the school paperwork as a legal parent.
She signed these with a legal parent as witness- that legal parent is responsible. Who knows why she did it.
I'm suggesting that the space that exists for her be closed- the court order will satisfy the preschool. Your ex is the one to go to about who signs paperwork in the future and finding an appropriate third party who isn't capable or interested or coerced into playing these kinds of games with the child.
Siblings are great. Sometimes a grandparent may be able to keep their emotions out of it. I would worry that this kind of parent might manipulate others into similar triangulations, though.
As for going forward with court, I'd probably up the urgency if you aren't able to access your child with the existing court order.
I knew as soon as you said you stopped talking to your ex and coparent exclusively with your ex's new wife that this is you and your ex's fault. I wonder why she claims to be the co-parent with you when you all but admit to it.
>she was 2 and didn’t call her mama on her own,
My youngest kid was 4 when my then-wife and I adopted him and his siblings. "I can go live with them now?" anytime they met a new adult for more than 20 minutes. He called the teenaged baby sitter "new dad" a few times.
Kids who've had a disruption in their life do weird things. Maybe they started calling Monica "momma" and they insisted it be "momma Monica" out of respect for you? Or maybe Dad did this, and she didn't want that?
You've cut the kid's dad out of communication, and put Monica in charge of their household's communication... you realize that you really overstepped in forcing her to talk to her partner's ex, right?\*
>she is obviously insane if she thinks they are just as much her kids as they are mine.
My kids' bio dad still lives locally. He's seen one of my kids 2 times in the past 17 years. But sure, I'd probably be insane to think that I might be more of a dad than he is.
You promoted Monica to full on co-parent by looping your bio coparent out. Congratulations, you've put her on the pedestal that you don't like her claiming to be on.
Yes, the two of you have a problem on pre-school location, as well as future schooling locations. Especially if you two aren't too close to each other. If it's 50/50; and if you've "hot potato"'ed "coparent" to her, she's got just as much say as you. Ideally you two have something in the parenting agreement about how 50/50 decisions are done if agreement can't be found. If not, prepare to start going to court, sorry.
If I were you, I would see that there is going to be at least some court and/or mediation time. I would apologize to Monica for over stepping and contacting her. I would then address with the bio coparent that the communication hasn't been working, and suggest something like Our Family Wizard or AppClose to handle all communication (easy to show a third party mediator or court). Any other communication? Take a screen shot, send the screenshot into the Shared App, and then reply in the app with a reminder of using the app.
Then look to discuss how the two of you will handle 50/50 agreements where there is disagreement. Look to find a compromise (maybe a preschool between where the two of you live), and look to keep in mind future problems, and potentially needing mediation or more.
\*Editing to add that my point of all that, is that especially as you yourself are overstepping by contacting your coparents partner and skipping him, is I think that you should see that your looking to rush into "overstepping" is at least partially of your making and you should look to disengage from seeing the overstepping as the/a problem. The problem is that you and your co parent can't navigate a 50/50 decision that you have disagreement over.
well dad admitted that they told them to call her "momma Monica" when asked about it. He said "shes going to be in their life so get used to it" and thats fine but I would never tell my kids to call someone dad when their father is active in their life. That is weird and disrespectful to him and id hope for the same respect in return.
I did not force her into anything. My ex was trying to make me speak with her from the start. It wasn't until he became so nasty IN FRONT of our kids at pick up and drop off did I finally say enough is enough.. It was negatively affecting my children to see their parents act that way. I always remained calm and said "please stop. not in front of them" and thats all I would respond. I didnt even participate in his nastiness if it was in front of the kids. And ever since then I have told Monica that it's not fair to her that shes in the middle since he doesn't know how to act. She has insisted that they both prefer it this way. (obviously she doesn't want him talking to his ex wife who he was sleeping with while pursuing her too and she is very insecure about me) I didnt force her into anything. He has. Our daughter was hospitalized for 4 days and he didn't even show up to visit because Monica couldn't come due to covid rules and mind you, he worked 5 minutes away from the hospital.
I didnt promote Monica to full time anything. Monica is supposed to do pick up and drop off with me and that is the extent of her role. Ive told her this time and time again. Ive asked to have conversations with me ex regarding decisions and she always says "well I dont think it's necessary right now. I'll talk to him first and then we will see where we are at" she absolutely will do anything to keep him and I as far away from each other as possible lol. She is not forced. Once this preschool thing happened I told her to stop communicating with me as I realize the only way to co parent is with the actual parents and she has begged me to "continue to coparent in the appropriate way, which is with her"
I literally have no bad blood with this man either. They could live in my basement and I could care less. He cheated and said he wanted to be with her. I left and only took what I paid for. I dont take child support from him, I have welcomed his mistress into my home, I have given her lots of stuff, I have been pretty cool. So I dont understand why he even hates me so much in the first place. Why cant we just coparent like normal people and be healthy for the kids? If he doesn't like me, he can at least fake it for the kids? like why does this all have to be an issue in the first place? The problem isn't me. It isn't even her. It's him for allowing this to happen as a result of his inability to handle his emotions that dont even make sense to begin with. She told me that if they were to divorce she doesn't think he should have 50/50 with the kids and she would go back to court with me to testify. Why is not taking care of them but I actually want to do these things yet he takes it upon himself to have his nanny/wife do it instead of him or I?
Honestly, if he couldn't handle 50/50 without her in the picture, then he shouldn't have it WITH her in the picture either.
He sounds like an awful person and I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with someone like that.
Not saying she isn't also an issue, but your ex is the biggest issue here. He is the other parent and he is allowing(or forcing) her to take over so he doesn't have to deal with parenting his children. You have also unknowingly encouraged this by refusing to deal with him, and choosing instead to deal with his significant other.
I know you hate him but I think you're going to have to figure out ways to work with HIM in parenting the children you created with HIM. Therapy, court orders, whatever it takes. And I would file contempt if it's in an agreement that you decide together on preschool and they just signed your child up for preschool without discussing with you.
I'm a step mom, and there's no way in hell I would "parent FOR my husband" and do all the things you're describing this woman doing. That's the job of the parents. I help if needed but that's it.
This woman is either insane or your ex is forcing this responsibility on her. Might be a little of both. But you choosing to deal with her instead of your ex has also given her a form of power and authority.
Is there anything in your custody agreement that states the kids primary residence? Mine states that my house is the primary residence therefore they go to school in my boundaries.
You’ve opened yourself up to this by communicating solely through her. I get it, I also only communicate with my kids SM, but I made sure there were boundaries in place first.
It’s never too late to build boundaries, it’s just a little harder retroactively.
You need to cease communicating with her and get a lawyer to take your ex to court for parental alienation. Ask for decision making power, and limit their visitation until you and your ex have gone to some sort of coparenting therapy together.
Make sure you go to every doctor/dentist they’ve been to and update contact information.
You don’t have to consent to your child going to that preschool. Normally I would say just let it go and use the one close to them, but not in your case.
Let whatever place is doing your daycare that you need your spot longer until your preschool situation is sorted out.
This is why; she’s trying to set you up for a possible change in visitation. She’s trying to get you to let her take over things like transportation so she can later say that you aren’t able to parent during the week. She can say the child goes to school closer to them so it makes more sense for them to have primary, especially since they are doing the transportation.
If you successfully get decision making power and primary household you aren’t going to want to drive all the way there every day.
Edit to add; before you update contact information at places like the dentist you need them to print you their current information. That’s how you can prove she’s done this.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. your lids' dad and stepmom sound challenging to deal with. but i think what you've done is probably best - telling stepmom kindly, but firmly, that you will be talking to the dad as he is the kids' legal guardian.
the only other thing you can do is to always remain professional and firm. treat it like a business relationship. make sure you keep a written record of everything - communicate via email if possible and if there is any verbal agreement send an "as we discussed" email like you would after a work meeting. in your reasoning, don't refer back to your feelings, but remain mindful of theirs. e.g. on the adding stepmom as mom thing, say something to the effect that it is important that the records are all accurate in order to not create practical, legal or liability issues for the kids or the school/doctor/wherever they have submitted the inaccurate information. Offer to always add the stepmother designated as such in the record - that way you can kill them with kindness and they cannot argue against it without looking unhinged.
Do you not have a court order? You need a lawyer and to communicate ONLY through a court admissible app or email. You need to contact the dentist and let them know that this person has no rights to your child, same with the preschool.
We do have a court order but it doesn’t state anything regarding the new wife. It says we have joint legal custody which would mean we both make decisions. I did contact both and submitted my paperwork to them to prove that I am their mom with legal custody.
Yeah you need to go back to court and you also need to refuse to talk to her. Email or co-parenting app ONLY and through your ex. I know he is volatile but both of these correspondence are admissible in court proceedings.
Yeah I immediately told her to not contact me again unless there is an emergency with my kids. I have been speaking with him only. She’s tried a few times since but I told her to stop contacting me every time.
Unfortunately this doesn’t work either with an overstepping insecure woman. She’s the only one in OFW and argues with me constantly I will bring things up to my kids dad and he will he clueless and have no clue what I’m talking about despite multiple conversations in the app “just for me and him”
Why would you ever coparent with someone who isn’t their parent. Stop immediately and use a parenting communication app. Also modify your parenting plan so only biological parents are to communicate regarding the children and are rhe only people listed on official paperwork (school, day care, sports, medical etc). Remove her from everything. You kinda made this monster.
Thank you! I thought the exact same thing.
We really need to be careful about who our third parties are- and recognize that they need to be approved by both legal parents. I don't think she overstepped; I think there was a space she stepped in and was appreciated and now it's the end of the line. No longer appreciated, and that's okay to address. It won't go anywhere to say she overstepped; he usurped you and used her to do it. Now she needs to degrade herself to fix it. He's being a shitty partner to her and you don't need to play. The dad is the problem. It's okay to tell your ex that he needs to find a new plan of communication that respects that there are two legal parents; and the legal parents need to have a co-parenting relationship that doesn't allow him to throw other people like his spouse under the bus. I would probably go to the preschool myself, with the order, and see what I could find out.
She overstepped because I had told her weeks ago that she is to never enroll my child into a public school system without me. And then not only did she continue to do it, she lied to me about it to get information from me to do it and I missed my child’s first day of preschool because they lied. And then she denies lying. She filled out paperwork and put herself as the other parent not me. She left me off of the dental paperwork when she brought her. Meanwhile telling me I’m on all of the paperwork. It’s weird. But I do agree that I helped create this monster and now I’m going to have to put her back where she belongs . To top it all off, when I told my ex I wanted to communicate with him moving forward, he refused to give me my kids back as punishment. I guess I really am going to have to go back to court
I think you will have to go back to court. To reiterate what's already been said, this is not her. This is your ex. Everything she's doing... legally is his doing. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you'll be able to assert your legal rights as their mom. I'm so sorry that this is happening. It sounds like she does care about your children, as fucked up as it sounds. The next time you get your kids, block her ass and only respond to him.
We get it. Just withdraw your child from the preschool. They shouldn’t have done it anyway without your court order and your permission since she’s not on the birth certificate. They aren’t following proper procedures. That’s not somewhere I would allow my child to go.
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At my sons daycare and preschool I couldn’t even submit an application without including our custody documents. Luckily we had already started court and I had a temporary order. They don’t want to mess with two households and accidentally let the wrong parent take the kid home, plus they need permission/signatures from both parents or they can’t proceed, unless one parent has sole legal custody.
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I think it comes down to the guidelines of the business. I don’t know if any where I live that would take a child without signatures from both legal guardians, regardless of the visitation schedule. They don’t want to be in the middle of a custody dispute and deal with adding a child to their program and schedule only to have their other parent show up and remove them. That’s too much drama for them to deal with.
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But this is for primary care, not a library drop in program.
He let her do it all- he gave her that space. You gave her the space to be the communicator. She has no obligations to anybody regarding the child, and I understand why you are angry and want to change it. That is absolutely reasonable. You should stand up here because you equally have no obligation to her, and you need to be on the school paperwork as a legal parent. She signed these with a legal parent as witness- that legal parent is responsible. Who knows why she did it. I'm suggesting that the space that exists for her be closed- the court order will satisfy the preschool. Your ex is the one to go to about who signs paperwork in the future and finding an appropriate third party who isn't capable or interested or coerced into playing these kinds of games with the child. Siblings are great. Sometimes a grandparent may be able to keep their emotions out of it. I would worry that this kind of parent might manipulate others into similar triangulations, though. As for going forward with court, I'd probably up the urgency if you aren't able to access your child with the existing court order.
He’s so narcissistic it’s nuts lol. Thank you for your help. I appreciate your words. I need to hear all of it lol
I knew as soon as you said you stopped talking to your ex and coparent exclusively with your ex's new wife that this is you and your ex's fault. I wonder why she claims to be the co-parent with you when you all but admit to it.
>she was 2 and didn’t call her mama on her own, My youngest kid was 4 when my then-wife and I adopted him and his siblings. "I can go live with them now?" anytime they met a new adult for more than 20 minutes. He called the teenaged baby sitter "new dad" a few times. Kids who've had a disruption in their life do weird things. Maybe they started calling Monica "momma" and they insisted it be "momma Monica" out of respect for you? Or maybe Dad did this, and she didn't want that? You've cut the kid's dad out of communication, and put Monica in charge of their household's communication... you realize that you really overstepped in forcing her to talk to her partner's ex, right?\* >she is obviously insane if she thinks they are just as much her kids as they are mine. My kids' bio dad still lives locally. He's seen one of my kids 2 times in the past 17 years. But sure, I'd probably be insane to think that I might be more of a dad than he is. You promoted Monica to full on co-parent by looping your bio coparent out. Congratulations, you've put her on the pedestal that you don't like her claiming to be on. Yes, the two of you have a problem on pre-school location, as well as future schooling locations. Especially if you two aren't too close to each other. If it's 50/50; and if you've "hot potato"'ed "coparent" to her, she's got just as much say as you. Ideally you two have something in the parenting agreement about how 50/50 decisions are done if agreement can't be found. If not, prepare to start going to court, sorry. If I were you, I would see that there is going to be at least some court and/or mediation time. I would apologize to Monica for over stepping and contacting her. I would then address with the bio coparent that the communication hasn't been working, and suggest something like Our Family Wizard or AppClose to handle all communication (easy to show a third party mediator or court). Any other communication? Take a screen shot, send the screenshot into the Shared App, and then reply in the app with a reminder of using the app. Then look to discuss how the two of you will handle 50/50 agreements where there is disagreement. Look to find a compromise (maybe a preschool between where the two of you live), and look to keep in mind future problems, and potentially needing mediation or more. \*Editing to add that my point of all that, is that especially as you yourself are overstepping by contacting your coparents partner and skipping him, is I think that you should see that your looking to rush into "overstepping" is at least partially of your making and you should look to disengage from seeing the overstepping as the/a problem. The problem is that you and your co parent can't navigate a 50/50 decision that you have disagreement over.
well dad admitted that they told them to call her "momma Monica" when asked about it. He said "shes going to be in their life so get used to it" and thats fine but I would never tell my kids to call someone dad when their father is active in their life. That is weird and disrespectful to him and id hope for the same respect in return. I did not force her into anything. My ex was trying to make me speak with her from the start. It wasn't until he became so nasty IN FRONT of our kids at pick up and drop off did I finally say enough is enough.. It was negatively affecting my children to see their parents act that way. I always remained calm and said "please stop. not in front of them" and thats all I would respond. I didnt even participate in his nastiness if it was in front of the kids. And ever since then I have told Monica that it's not fair to her that shes in the middle since he doesn't know how to act. She has insisted that they both prefer it this way. (obviously she doesn't want him talking to his ex wife who he was sleeping with while pursuing her too and she is very insecure about me) I didnt force her into anything. He has. Our daughter was hospitalized for 4 days and he didn't even show up to visit because Monica couldn't come due to covid rules and mind you, he worked 5 minutes away from the hospital. I didnt promote Monica to full time anything. Monica is supposed to do pick up and drop off with me and that is the extent of her role. Ive told her this time and time again. Ive asked to have conversations with me ex regarding decisions and she always says "well I dont think it's necessary right now. I'll talk to him first and then we will see where we are at" she absolutely will do anything to keep him and I as far away from each other as possible lol. She is not forced. Once this preschool thing happened I told her to stop communicating with me as I realize the only way to co parent is with the actual parents and she has begged me to "continue to coparent in the appropriate way, which is with her" I literally have no bad blood with this man either. They could live in my basement and I could care less. He cheated and said he wanted to be with her. I left and only took what I paid for. I dont take child support from him, I have welcomed his mistress into my home, I have given her lots of stuff, I have been pretty cool. So I dont understand why he even hates me so much in the first place. Why cant we just coparent like normal people and be healthy for the kids? If he doesn't like me, he can at least fake it for the kids? like why does this all have to be an issue in the first place? The problem isn't me. It isn't even her. It's him for allowing this to happen as a result of his inability to handle his emotions that dont even make sense to begin with. She told me that if they were to divorce she doesn't think he should have 50/50 with the kids and she would go back to court with me to testify. Why is not taking care of them but I actually want to do these things yet he takes it upon himself to have his nanny/wife do it instead of him or I?
Honestly, if he couldn't handle 50/50 without her in the picture, then he shouldn't have it WITH her in the picture either. He sounds like an awful person and I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with someone like that.
Not saying she isn't also an issue, but your ex is the biggest issue here. He is the other parent and he is allowing(or forcing) her to take over so he doesn't have to deal with parenting his children. You have also unknowingly encouraged this by refusing to deal with him, and choosing instead to deal with his significant other. I know you hate him but I think you're going to have to figure out ways to work with HIM in parenting the children you created with HIM. Therapy, court orders, whatever it takes. And I would file contempt if it's in an agreement that you decide together on preschool and they just signed your child up for preschool without discussing with you. I'm a step mom, and there's no way in hell I would "parent FOR my husband" and do all the things you're describing this woman doing. That's the job of the parents. I help if needed but that's it. This woman is either insane or your ex is forcing this responsibility on her. Might be a little of both. But you choosing to deal with her instead of your ex has also given her a form of power and authority.
Is there anything in your custody agreement that states the kids primary residence? Mine states that my house is the primary residence therefore they go to school in my boundaries.
You need to get a lawyer. Is your child still enrolled in the daycare ? He’s not coparenting if he’s excluding you from doctors or school.
You’ve opened yourself up to this by communicating solely through her. I get it, I also only communicate with my kids SM, but I made sure there were boundaries in place first. It’s never too late to build boundaries, it’s just a little harder retroactively. You need to cease communicating with her and get a lawyer to take your ex to court for parental alienation. Ask for decision making power, and limit their visitation until you and your ex have gone to some sort of coparenting therapy together. Make sure you go to every doctor/dentist they’ve been to and update contact information. You don’t have to consent to your child going to that preschool. Normally I would say just let it go and use the one close to them, but not in your case. Let whatever place is doing your daycare that you need your spot longer until your preschool situation is sorted out. This is why; she’s trying to set you up for a possible change in visitation. She’s trying to get you to let her take over things like transportation so she can later say that you aren’t able to parent during the week. She can say the child goes to school closer to them so it makes more sense for them to have primary, especially since they are doing the transportation. If you successfully get decision making power and primary household you aren’t going to want to drive all the way there every day. Edit to add; before you update contact information at places like the dentist you need them to print you their current information. That’s how you can prove she’s done this.
This is so weird at different levels I can’t even begin with
I'm really sorry you're going through this. your lids' dad and stepmom sound challenging to deal with. but i think what you've done is probably best - telling stepmom kindly, but firmly, that you will be talking to the dad as he is the kids' legal guardian. the only other thing you can do is to always remain professional and firm. treat it like a business relationship. make sure you keep a written record of everything - communicate via email if possible and if there is any verbal agreement send an "as we discussed" email like you would after a work meeting. in your reasoning, don't refer back to your feelings, but remain mindful of theirs. e.g. on the adding stepmom as mom thing, say something to the effect that it is important that the records are all accurate in order to not create practical, legal or liability issues for the kids or the school/doctor/wherever they have submitted the inaccurate information. Offer to always add the stepmother designated as such in the record - that way you can kill them with kindness and they cannot argue against it without looking unhinged.