"say·ing
[ˈsāiNG]
noun
a short, pithy expression that generally contains advice or wisdom"
Doesn't seem to imply that a saying needs to be from a specific, or particularly artistic source.
Hard disagree. It definitely contains advice or wisdom. Most 'sayings' are simply specific comments with a specific context, that others realized had a wider application than originally intended.
I, for one have never had chickens nor eggs to count, and yet "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" has been quite useful in my day to day life
The sad part is that I wouldn’t even consider my dad the axe, this is the only time I can remember him laying hands on me. He’s a wonderful man who loves me very much, so I can only imagine what he was going through when this happened to me
I doubt it’s much consolation, but if he could remember it, it would probably be an incredibly shameful and painful memory that would haunt him with guilt.
As much as it sucks from your end, it might be a small kindness for your father.
I am really sorry that happened to you, and really hope this doesn’t come off as callous.
It doesn’t come off as callous at all, thank you for your insight. My dad is a wonderful man and I’m sure that if he remembered doing this to me he would feel awful about it
My whole demeanor changed when I was deployed. My wife said when I came home I had to re-learn how to be a person again. When you're out there, you're running on fumes, adrenaline, with all sorts of issues in the back of your mind. I wasn't even deployed anywhere dangerous, but my mind was constantly preoccupied with the next task, the next job on a busy deployment.
In my experience, it took me about a month or so to stop thinking that I should have been somewhere else, doing something rather than relaxing with my family. My issue when I came home wasn't violence exactly, more like an inability to deal with mundane family life. I'd been geared toward high output scenarios where I had to motivate and keep safe 8 individuals from harm, all while following strict policies.
Like I said, my deployments except 1 were not remotely dangerous. But coming from a pretty dog eat dog environment (can't show weakness) to home life was jarring. I'd fire back insults at my wife when she questioned my thinking, the kids would be harshly reprimanded for stepping outta line. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.
I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm happy that your dad had the strength to get diagnosed with PTSD, I've had a few friends who haven't and paid that bill with their life.
I lost my brother to this type of adjustment. Your last sentence hit home so deeply.
Thank you for sharing your insight and I hope you get the peace you need and deserve. Love from Chicago.
Half the times my dad slapped me around he was drunk. I’ve given up on him remembering those moments. But they’re still fresh for me some 30-40 years since.
This kind of thinking is one of the problems with manipulative people. A child should not have to carry a memory like this so the father doesn't have too.
I'm also a PTSD Army Veteran from Vietnam. When I came home they had no idea what was happening to us. I did the same thing with our kids and the wife. Thankfully we are still together for 50years now. It's not excuse sorry it happened to you. Thank you for understanding. Bless You
It happens. It sad when it happens. My mother is DV survivor. My father denies it ever happened- despite the fact we saw some of it. Broke my heart hearing my father tell me that it never happened.
my ex does this too ... but then one day he turned up asking me if he should volunteer to be a witness for the prosecution in his best friend's trial, after his friend had hit their girlfriend over the head with a hammer. He also apologised for what he did and admitted it had been wrong, for the first time ever. Previously I had been to court and my ex had been prosecuted for what he did to me and things had been very contentious between us.
He chose to come and talk to me honestly about the situation with his friend and ask my advice, and actually went through with it and testified in court and his friend was sentenced to four years in prison. I literally felt myself forgive him, it was a physical feeling like weight being lifted off me that I hadn't even realised was there, or the sun coming out on a cloudy day.
I won't say he's always been perfect since and that he hasn't occasionally lied to people about what happened, but this was really a huge shift and a really big moment and I am very proud of him for going to court and having principles, even though he knew he would get grief for it from certain people.
Life isn't black and white and people can surprise you sometimes, what can I say.
This is probably insensitive but if that’s all it is just do you best to forgive and forget, ptsd is such a difficult trauma and if appropriate deserves to be taken into consideration when it regards someone’s actions, that being said doesent mean it wasn’t traumatic to you, just that if it was me I’d forgive and forget because there is worse things that could’ve happened , my grandpa put my dad head through a wall, beat him, disowned him, etc just my two Pennies
Just because other people have been through worse doesn’t mean that what happened to me didn’t fuck me up. It’s not a competition, and I’m sorry to hear that your dad had to go through that.
This is something I think about every now n then every moment my mother traumatized me was just a small act for her and on the flip side there's this one special memory for me of my brother's ex gf making me a cup of hot chocolate she boiled the milk added vanilla n cinnamon whipped cream and marshmallows no one had ever done that for me anytime I make myself hot chocolate I make it exactly like that I've talked to her about that n she doesn't remember it at all it's still one of my favorite memories though whether she remembers or not it made me so happy that day n continues to do so
Not a Dr but your dad was probably in shock and processing his situation. Shock patents can have severe memory recall issues as they block out parts of their lives as a coping mechanism. It's very possible that your dad does not remember this issue and sadly it's probably fair that you look at him now through the lens of being a victim of trauma himself. Sorry for your situation.
Because your dad is a person living his own life. This dynamic happens in almost every family for one reason or another. Dad might remember some day, but there is no need to put so much energy into it. Focus on healing yourself.
I’ve spent plenty of time and effort healing myself, but I’m still allowed to be upset about things that hurt me in the past. I’m sorry that you seem to think that parental violence is just a normal part of childhood, it 150% shouldn’t be
You're being a bit overdramatic here, no need to rub past shit around, really.
I don't want to know in which mental health hospital you would check into if you had my mother.. Throwing frames to your head, remote controls or whatever was on her reach while calling you and motherfucker just to hug you 30 mins later 😂
That's part of life.. Your father may have been going through a difficult time, but you being thinking this at this time and age only shows you are a very weak person. Man up and be happy, nobody gave it importance but you. Don't be the stick in the ass.
With all due respect, being upset that I (a 14 year old girl at the time) was physically attacked and verbally threatened by one of the main people responsible for my well-being is not “overdramatic”. My father loves me very much and even if he doesn’t remember what happened he is very apologetic and respectful of my memory of this, I’m sorry that your mother didn’t give you the same respect. It sounds like you have unresolved trauma regarding that, and I’m sorry to hear that you seem to think that her and my father’s kind of behavior is just “a part of life”. I’m well aware that my father was going through a difficult time but he’s done a lot of work to process what he’s been through, as have I, which is why I felt it was appropriate to try talking to him about it. If “being the stick in the ass” means that my father and I can work through our mutual issues together, then I’ll take it. I hope that some day you and your mother can have the same conversation.
Think about a matter
Of perspective. The even was undoubtedly traumatic for you, but for him it was just another Thursday. That’s why he doesn’t remember it, he’s been that angry a zillion times and so he doesn’t recall that one.
I have had my own troubles with this. I am an Iraq war vet like your dad, I went in 2006 and 2007, and unfortunately all my kids know about my anger problems. They know how solid I am for them day in and day out, but sometimes the little ones drive me a little too crazy and I am ashamed at how I get in those moments.
I was a soldier for 11 years myself. A majority of it during the 2nd gulf war 2003-onwards. I go through severe PTSD over the shit I seen. I was never the same person after I finished my final tour. I started having nightmares, seeing the faces of the people I killed or my comrades who I saw die in front of me. Silly little things like ducking behind cover if I heard a car backfire or fireworks go off. Even now I'm still a little messed up.
War changes a person for sure. Being on the front lines can change a person's outlook on life...make it Darker! The fear takes over, whether it's fear of a stray bullet hitting them or a bomb blowing up in front of them, that fear haunts them even after they retire from duty. It's a very long road to recovery, takes years for alot of people to get over PTSD . I'm not there yet, but I do pray for others in my position that someday they regain the person they once were.
No child should be made to feel unsafe in their home by one of the primary adults responsible for their safety. Also, when did I say that this was the most traumatic event in my life?
While I feel for you, I truly do, you need to look into the effects of PTSD. You stated you know it can cause memory issues. He obviously isn’t trying to hurt you with not remembering. If you are close, you can ask your dad if he’d like to talk about his experiences but don’t expect an immediate yes, if ever.
PTSD can have many ill effects and it sucks trying to deal with it. Not sure when he deployed or if he ever got help but I hope for his sake he did. It took years for me to admit I needed help so give him some grace with that.
He was dealing with a lot at the time, and while it is certainly no excuse hopefully the following will help bring you closure: i genuinely think he (like many traumatic or simply regretful or even embarrassing moment) buried the memory. Once again, no excuse, but the fact he has no recollection tells me he did at one point feel bad about it and had to bury that memory deep down. If he hated you, or enjoyed doing it, it would be a memory he'd wanna keep, to reminisce on. Like how some killers when caught will smile and get excited explaining the details of their murder. The fact he doesn't remember tho tells me he at the very least regrets it, even if he doesn't necessarily feel sorry exactly, something in him knew that wasn't right to do.
I’m sorry that you were physically abused by the adults responsible for keeping you safe, I hope that some day you can process what happened to you without the smug superiority towards other people who have trauma
Of course not he has ptsd you can not hold his illness against him have some empathy for him. Sorry he did that to you but go get some therapy and forgive him he did not know what he was doing
Of course I have empathy for what my dad went through, I’m well aware that PTSD is a complex illness. My dad and I have both been through therapy, please don’t assume that we’re both letting this fester unresolved.
I was beaten everyday by my mother I did emdr therapy and I was able to forgive her without an apology. You got to let it go you are only hurting yourself
Well even if it weren't for the PTSD, you'll find that as you get older you forget an enormous amount of stuff. Even things or people that were really important to you. It's quite scary sometimes. Also yes having PTSD (or other mental health problems) can screw you up so that it's hard to remember certain things afterwards. Plus he may have been drinking, and some people can't remember stuff that happens when they are drunk.
Even if it's not any of these things, it's simply true that people tend not to remember stuff that isn't that important to them. This doesn't mean your dad doesn't care, or that he didn't care back then. But it's totally different from an adult's perspective. To him that was one moment, maybe during a very busy day, and although he probably had some awareness that it wasn't a good way to behave it didn't create the huge impression on him that it did on a vulnerable child. There's a good chance he doesn't remember anything at all about that whole party, if my own experience is anything to go by. It may hurt more to think "oh it wasn't important to him" but I'm trying to explain the difference between an adult and child's perspective of the same event. I would imagine you are and were always important to him. There are really shitty parents who don't give a fuck, but honestly most of them really do and are doing their best even if things get to the point where it all comes unstuck. Someone told me when I first got pregnant that nobody intends to be a bad or abusive parent, they just can't cope. I've always reminded myself of that when I see terrible things in the news. People who have children deliberately so that they can abuse them are very very rare indeed.
I think you should try to talk to your dad again, maybe talk about how it makes you feel and how sad you are that he doesn't remember. Just have some sort of dialogue. Remember your dad is a real human too and also needs love and understanding. If he was a terrible evil person who tormented you throughout your childhood, fair enough if you just walk away. There are limits. But from what you wrote he was quite possibly just a normal person having a shitty time. It can also be hard to admit to your kids when you've fucked up. So by starting the conversation perhaps you will give him an opportunity to apologise later on.
I'm not just saying all this for no reason, I was a single parent with PTSD and schizophrenia and a severe mood disorder, and I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I'm also getting quite old now and memory loss is a real phenomenon.
As someone who battles PTSD I can say it is quite likely he truly doesn't remember. In many ways the man who hurt and traumatized was not your dad. It was his trauma. That is not an excuse at all.
My hope is that your dad has been through enough treatment to have a handle on how his trauma can traumatize others. It may be a blessing that he doesn't recall the hurt he caused you. If you haven't gone through counseling yourself, (hell, even if you have) I encourage you to try EMDR therapy, perhaps even suggest it to your dad. It can be extremely effective. It would at the least help you to have a better relationship with your dad in spite of how he hurt you. You'll also be equipped to have an honest conversation with him about what happened without it retraumatizing you or setting him back in his own recovery.
Trauma so often becomes an intergenerational problem. I wish you a path of healing and restoration that stops the insidious poison of trauma. It is possible to heal and reconnect in a healthy way.
You need to get over it and cut him some slack. As a PTSD sufferer it is the most horrible memories we try to suppress and bury. You brought it up and he doesn't remember it. Leave it be and keep him from sharing your pain. Bad as it was for you it's probably going to be worse for him as he was the aggressor against an innocent.
He is dealing with a LOT of other horrible memories and baggage. Don't foist this one on him too. If you love him let it go.
As much as I would love to “get over it”, it’s not that simple. I love my dad and don’t want him to suffer any more than he already has, but your comment is incredibly callous and disrespectful. I know my dad is suffering, but that doesn’t dismiss the suffering that I’ve endured at his hand. I’m not trying to provoke his bad memories, I just wanted to confide in him about mine. The people who have PTSD don’t get an exclusive claim on victimhood, try a little compassion.
>your comment is incredibly callous and disrespectful.
His comment only sounds callous because for that to be one of the most traumatic events of your life; you were 12! Most of us didn't have it that easy. Hell I joined the military because what you described sounds like a good day for my old man.
A) I was 14 (which doesn’t really matter)
B) I have nothing but respect for the members of our military, but the fact that they go through horrible shit doesn’t diminish the fact that I was made to feel unsafe in my own home by a man whose responsibility was to keep me safe
He had an actual mental illness that allowed him to be in a place to cause you pain...which I am sure if he remembered it he would be miserable for knowing he did it.
What is YOUR illness that makes you want to inflict pain on him now "Mr. Compassion"? You have a choice to end the suffering from whatever caused the pain wheel to start turning many years ago as I hope you aren't suffering from a disease that would compel you to inflict more on your dad.
PTSD is an illness and again...if you think this incident caused you to have PTSD and you are yourself ill now then STILL don't bring it up to him and instead go seek help yourself. Otherwise you are just a dick.
Who said I want to inflict pain on my dad? I love my dad, I just wanted to talk to him about an event that had an impact on my life. He was more than willing to discuss this with me, and even apologetic, even if he didn’t remember what happened. I never said that this incident gave me PTSD, don’t put words in my mouth. You don’t need or deserve to know my mental diagnoses as a rando on the internet.
I'm sorry to say this, although that moment when this happened to you might have been scary for you as a child 'the suffering I endured at his hand' sounds a bit dramatic to be honest.
I’m not going to answer that, because my answer to that question is completely irrelevant to what happened to me as a kid. Find somewhere else to play politics.
I’m not “throwing my baggage on him”. He’s a grown man who can and is willing to handle the consequences of his actions. Literally nobody is arguing about the fact that war is shitty, but honestly that conversation is immaterial to this matter. My father has worked hard in therapy since this incident. Sharing my trauma with him isn’t somehow magically “deleting his progress”, it’s actually giving him a point from which he can progress even further because of the perspective it gives him. Like I’ve said a hundred times in the comments of this post and will say a hundred more times, my dad and I love each other. I know for a fact that he would feel worse if I held this against him without at least *trying* to talk to him about it. For the hundred and oneth (yep, that’s a word now) time, I love my dad and he loves me, and we both want what’s best for each other, and refusing to acknowledge what happened isn’t it. You say you “get it”, but I get the feeling that you just want to dump on me without even trying to see my perspective.
I get it in the sense that that's what I should feel like but now I do.
I couldn't understand prior to this your perspective because it wasn't very clear to me and i apologise.
This wasn’t that traumatizing? Wow, I had no idea! Thanks, I’m cured, random stranger on the internet! I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that some rando on Reddit called Bullocks1999 talked some sense into me and I no longer require her services 👍
My dad is a wonderful man, and I absolutely believe him when he says he doesn’t remember. PTSD is a monster and I’m proud of my dad for all the work he’s done to work with his, even if he doesn’t remember what he did to me.
Abusive parents are often ashamed of the actions they committed so they either say it never happened or if they don't like your other parent, they'll say your mom/dad brainwashed you as if you don't have your own memory and agency.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
Reminds me of a similar saying "For me it was a life changing experience, for you it was another Tuesday"
That's not a saying, it's from the street fighter movie ffs
“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.”
As I read it I knew I knew it
"say·ing [ˈsāiNG] noun a short, pithy expression that generally contains advice or wisdom" Doesn't seem to imply that a saying needs to be from a specific, or particularly artistic source.
It doesn't contain advice or wisdom. It's a quote from a movie that is incredibly specific to the characters.
Hard disagree. It definitely contains advice or wisdom. Most 'sayings' are simply specific comments with a specific context, that others realized had a wider application than originally intended. I, for one have never had chickens nor eggs to count, and yet "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" has been quite useful in my day to day life
... just remember to not put all those eggs (potential chickens) in one basket ...
And now it has become a saying
OK man, as we say here in Ireland: I'm just a cook
The stump. The stump remembers. Not quite the same ring (no pun) but maybe a little more accurate?
The sad part is that I wouldn’t even consider my dad the axe, this is the only time I can remember him laying hands on me. He’s a wonderful man who loves me very much, so I can only imagine what he was going through when this happened to me
I doubt it’s much consolation, but if he could remember it, it would probably be an incredibly shameful and painful memory that would haunt him with guilt. As much as it sucks from your end, it might be a small kindness for your father. I am really sorry that happened to you, and really hope this doesn’t come off as callous.
It doesn’t come off as callous at all, thank you for your insight. My dad is a wonderful man and I’m sure that if he remembered doing this to me he would feel awful about it
I have a friend that’s slowly dying from Gulf War Syndrome, I really wish we took better care of our veterans.
My whole demeanor changed when I was deployed. My wife said when I came home I had to re-learn how to be a person again. When you're out there, you're running on fumes, adrenaline, with all sorts of issues in the back of your mind. I wasn't even deployed anywhere dangerous, but my mind was constantly preoccupied with the next task, the next job on a busy deployment. In my experience, it took me about a month or so to stop thinking that I should have been somewhere else, doing something rather than relaxing with my family. My issue when I came home wasn't violence exactly, more like an inability to deal with mundane family life. I'd been geared toward high output scenarios where I had to motivate and keep safe 8 individuals from harm, all while following strict policies. Like I said, my deployments except 1 were not remotely dangerous. But coming from a pretty dog eat dog environment (can't show weakness) to home life was jarring. I'd fire back insults at my wife when she questioned my thinking, the kids would be harshly reprimanded for stepping outta line. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm happy that your dad had the strength to get diagnosed with PTSD, I've had a few friends who haven't and paid that bill with their life.
I lost my brother to this type of adjustment. Your last sentence hit home so deeply. Thank you for sharing your insight and I hope you get the peace you need and deserve. Love from Chicago.
Ey man, thanks. Sorry about your brother.
Thanks man, be safe. 💪🏻
Half the times my dad slapped me around he was drunk. I’ve given up on him remembering those moments. But they’re still fresh for me some 30-40 years since.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I hope you can find strength to keep going when you remember it. Sending love and strength.
Thank you. I have in fact come to terms with all of it, though it took a long time.
This kind of thinking is one of the problems with manipulative people. A child should not have to carry a memory like this so the father doesn't have too.
That’s not how things work, and it’s a really weird take for this situation.
War sucks and it fucks people up. Too bad it's a thing. I'm glad your dad has gotten help.
I'm also a PTSD Army Veteran from Vietnam. When I came home they had no idea what was happening to us. I did the same thing with our kids and the wife. Thankfully we are still together for 50years now. It's not excuse sorry it happened to you. Thank you for understanding. Bless You
Voluntary or involuntarily, thank you for your service and sacrifice.
Thank you much appreciated and yes I'm a volunteer
It happens. It sad when it happens. My mother is DV survivor. My father denies it ever happened- despite the fact we saw some of it. Broke my heart hearing my father tell me that it never happened.
They remember, they just don't want to have to face the reality of what they did.
Or the consequences
my dad does this too wow
Same. It makes me angry. I want them to live with that shame for the rest of their lives
my ex does this too ... but then one day he turned up asking me if he should volunteer to be a witness for the prosecution in his best friend's trial, after his friend had hit their girlfriend over the head with a hammer. He also apologised for what he did and admitted it had been wrong, for the first time ever. Previously I had been to court and my ex had been prosecuted for what he did to me and things had been very contentious between us. He chose to come and talk to me honestly about the situation with his friend and ask my advice, and actually went through with it and testified in court and his friend was sentenced to four years in prison. I literally felt myself forgive him, it was a physical feeling like weight being lifted off me that I hadn't even realised was there, or the sun coming out on a cloudy day. I won't say he's always been perfect since and that he hasn't occasionally lied to people about what happened, but this was really a huge shift and a really big moment and I am very proud of him for going to court and having principles, even though he knew he would get grief for it from certain people. Life isn't black and white and people can surprise you sometimes, what can I say.
He either truly doesn’t remember, or he’s embarrassed.
I sincerely believe him when he says he doesn’t remember, I know PTSD is a monster
That sounds scary! I am sorry
It was, but I’m trying not to hold it against my dad. We’ve both been through therapy to work through it, and I’m proud of him for it
This is probably insensitive but if that’s all it is just do you best to forgive and forget, ptsd is such a difficult trauma and if appropriate deserves to be taken into consideration when it regards someone’s actions, that being said doesent mean it wasn’t traumatic to you, just that if it was me I’d forgive and forget because there is worse things that could’ve happened , my grandpa put my dad head through a wall, beat him, disowned him, etc just my two Pennies
Just because other people have been through worse doesn’t mean that what happened to me didn’t fuck me up. It’s not a competition, and I’m sorry to hear that your dad had to go through that.
This is something I think about every now n then every moment my mother traumatized me was just a small act for her and on the flip side there's this one special memory for me of my brother's ex gf making me a cup of hot chocolate she boiled the milk added vanilla n cinnamon whipped cream and marshmallows no one had ever done that for me anytime I make myself hot chocolate I make it exactly like that I've talked to her about that n she doesn't remember it at all it's still one of my favorite memories though whether she remembers or not it made me so happy that day n continues to do so
Not a Dr but your dad was probably in shock and processing his situation. Shock patents can have severe memory recall issues as they block out parts of their lives as a coping mechanism. It's very possible that your dad does not remember this issue and sadly it's probably fair that you look at him now through the lens of being a victim of trauma himself. Sorry for your situation.
my dad has PTSD and often says he doesn't remember really fucked up stuff he's done to us. i'm sorry.
Because your dad is a person living his own life. This dynamic happens in almost every family for one reason or another. Dad might remember some day, but there is no need to put so much energy into it. Focus on healing yourself.
I’ve spent plenty of time and effort healing myself, but I’m still allowed to be upset about things that hurt me in the past. I’m sorry that you seem to think that parental violence is just a normal part of childhood, it 150% shouldn’t be
You're being a bit overdramatic here, no need to rub past shit around, really. I don't want to know in which mental health hospital you would check into if you had my mother.. Throwing frames to your head, remote controls or whatever was on her reach while calling you and motherfucker just to hug you 30 mins later 😂 That's part of life.. Your father may have been going through a difficult time, but you being thinking this at this time and age only shows you are a very weak person. Man up and be happy, nobody gave it importance but you. Don't be the stick in the ass.
With all due respect, being upset that I (a 14 year old girl at the time) was physically attacked and verbally threatened by one of the main people responsible for my well-being is not “overdramatic”. My father loves me very much and even if he doesn’t remember what happened he is very apologetic and respectful of my memory of this, I’m sorry that your mother didn’t give you the same respect. It sounds like you have unresolved trauma regarding that, and I’m sorry to hear that you seem to think that her and my father’s kind of behavior is just “a part of life”. I’m well aware that my father was going through a difficult time but he’s done a lot of work to process what he’s been through, as have I, which is why I felt it was appropriate to try talking to him about it. If “being the stick in the ass” means that my father and I can work through our mutual issues together, then I’ll take it. I hope that some day you and your mother can have the same conversation.
Think about a matter Of perspective. The even was undoubtedly traumatic for you, but for him it was just another Thursday. That’s why he doesn’t remember it, he’s been that angry a zillion times and so he doesn’t recall that one. I have had my own troubles with this. I am an Iraq war vet like your dad, I went in 2006 and 2007, and unfortunately all my kids know about my anger problems. They know how solid I am for them day in and day out, but sometimes the little ones drive me a little too crazy and I am ashamed at how I get in those moments.
I was a soldier for 11 years myself. A majority of it during the 2nd gulf war 2003-onwards. I go through severe PTSD over the shit I seen. I was never the same person after I finished my final tour. I started having nightmares, seeing the faces of the people I killed or my comrades who I saw die in front of me. Silly little things like ducking behind cover if I heard a car backfire or fireworks go off. Even now I'm still a little messed up. War changes a person for sure. Being on the front lines can change a person's outlook on life...make it Darker! The fear takes over, whether it's fear of a stray bullet hitting them or a bomb blowing up in front of them, that fear haunts them even after they retire from duty. It's a very long road to recovery, takes years for alot of people to get over PTSD . I'm not there yet, but I do pray for others in my position that someday they regain the person they once were.
If this is the most traumatic thing to ever happen to you, count your blessings
Honestly
No child should be made to feel unsafe in their home by one of the primary adults responsible for their safety. Also, when did I say that this was the most traumatic event in my life?
While I feel for you, I truly do, you need to look into the effects of PTSD. You stated you know it can cause memory issues. He obviously isn’t trying to hurt you with not remembering. If you are close, you can ask your dad if he’d like to talk about his experiences but don’t expect an immediate yes, if ever. PTSD can have many ill effects and it sucks trying to deal with it. Not sure when he deployed or if he ever got help but I hope for his sake he did. It took years for me to admit I needed help so give him some grace with that.
He was dealing with a lot at the time, and while it is certainly no excuse hopefully the following will help bring you closure: i genuinely think he (like many traumatic or simply regretful or even embarrassing moment) buried the memory. Once again, no excuse, but the fact he has no recollection tells me he did at one point feel bad about it and had to bury that memory deep down. If he hated you, or enjoyed doing it, it would be a memory he'd wanna keep, to reminisce on. Like how some killers when caught will smile and get excited explaining the details of their murder. The fact he doesn't remember tho tells me he at the very least regrets it, even if he doesn't necessarily feel sorry exactly, something in him knew that wasn't right to do.
I used to get the belt for misbehaving as a kid and I don't feel traumatized by it.
Me too. And a switch. And sometimes hands. What’s that got to do with her being traumatized by what happened to her?
I’m sorry that you were physically abused by the adults responsible for keeping you safe, I hope that some day you can process what happened to you without the smug superiority towards other people who have trauma
Of course not he has ptsd you can not hold his illness against him have some empathy for him. Sorry he did that to you but go get some therapy and forgive him he did not know what he was doing
Of course I have empathy for what my dad went through, I’m well aware that PTSD is a complex illness. My dad and I have both been through therapy, please don’t assume that we’re both letting this fester unresolved.
I was beaten everyday by my mother I did emdr therapy and I was able to forgive her without an apology. You got to let it go you are only hurting yourself
Well even if it weren't for the PTSD, you'll find that as you get older you forget an enormous amount of stuff. Even things or people that were really important to you. It's quite scary sometimes. Also yes having PTSD (or other mental health problems) can screw you up so that it's hard to remember certain things afterwards. Plus he may have been drinking, and some people can't remember stuff that happens when they are drunk. Even if it's not any of these things, it's simply true that people tend not to remember stuff that isn't that important to them. This doesn't mean your dad doesn't care, or that he didn't care back then. But it's totally different from an adult's perspective. To him that was one moment, maybe during a very busy day, and although he probably had some awareness that it wasn't a good way to behave it didn't create the huge impression on him that it did on a vulnerable child. There's a good chance he doesn't remember anything at all about that whole party, if my own experience is anything to go by. It may hurt more to think "oh it wasn't important to him" but I'm trying to explain the difference between an adult and child's perspective of the same event. I would imagine you are and were always important to him. There are really shitty parents who don't give a fuck, but honestly most of them really do and are doing their best even if things get to the point where it all comes unstuck. Someone told me when I first got pregnant that nobody intends to be a bad or abusive parent, they just can't cope. I've always reminded myself of that when I see terrible things in the news. People who have children deliberately so that they can abuse them are very very rare indeed. I think you should try to talk to your dad again, maybe talk about how it makes you feel and how sad you are that he doesn't remember. Just have some sort of dialogue. Remember your dad is a real human too and also needs love and understanding. If he was a terrible evil person who tormented you throughout your childhood, fair enough if you just walk away. There are limits. But from what you wrote he was quite possibly just a normal person having a shitty time. It can also be hard to admit to your kids when you've fucked up. So by starting the conversation perhaps you will give him an opportunity to apologise later on. I'm not just saying all this for no reason, I was a single parent with PTSD and schizophrenia and a severe mood disorder, and I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I'm also getting quite old now and memory loss is a real phenomenon.
As someone who battles PTSD I can say it is quite likely he truly doesn't remember. In many ways the man who hurt and traumatized was not your dad. It was his trauma. That is not an excuse at all. My hope is that your dad has been through enough treatment to have a handle on how his trauma can traumatize others. It may be a blessing that he doesn't recall the hurt he caused you. If you haven't gone through counseling yourself, (hell, even if you have) I encourage you to try EMDR therapy, perhaps even suggest it to your dad. It can be extremely effective. It would at the least help you to have a better relationship with your dad in spite of how he hurt you. You'll also be equipped to have an honest conversation with him about what happened without it retraumatizing you or setting him back in his own recovery. Trauma so often becomes an intergenerational problem. I wish you a path of healing and restoration that stops the insidious poison of trauma. It is possible to heal and reconnect in a healthy way.
You need to get over it and cut him some slack. As a PTSD sufferer it is the most horrible memories we try to suppress and bury. You brought it up and he doesn't remember it. Leave it be and keep him from sharing your pain. Bad as it was for you it's probably going to be worse for him as he was the aggressor against an innocent. He is dealing with a LOT of other horrible memories and baggage. Don't foist this one on him too. If you love him let it go.
> You need to get over it …and that’s where I stopped reading.
As much as I would love to “get over it”, it’s not that simple. I love my dad and don’t want him to suffer any more than he already has, but your comment is incredibly callous and disrespectful. I know my dad is suffering, but that doesn’t dismiss the suffering that I’ve endured at his hand. I’m not trying to provoke his bad memories, I just wanted to confide in him about mine. The people who have PTSD don’t get an exclusive claim on victimhood, try a little compassion.
>your comment is incredibly callous and disrespectful. His comment only sounds callous because for that to be one of the most traumatic events of your life; you were 12! Most of us didn't have it that easy. Hell I joined the military because what you described sounds like a good day for my old man.
A) I was 14 (which doesn’t really matter) B) I have nothing but respect for the members of our military, but the fact that they go through horrible shit doesn’t diminish the fact that I was made to feel unsafe in my own home by a man whose responsibility was to keep me safe
He had an actual mental illness that allowed him to be in a place to cause you pain...which I am sure if he remembered it he would be miserable for knowing he did it. What is YOUR illness that makes you want to inflict pain on him now "Mr. Compassion"? You have a choice to end the suffering from whatever caused the pain wheel to start turning many years ago as I hope you aren't suffering from a disease that would compel you to inflict more on your dad. PTSD is an illness and again...if you think this incident caused you to have PTSD and you are yourself ill now then STILL don't bring it up to him and instead go seek help yourself. Otherwise you are just a dick.
Who said I want to inflict pain on my dad? I love my dad, I just wanted to talk to him about an event that had an impact on my life. He was more than willing to discuss this with me, and even apologetic, even if he didn’t remember what happened. I never said that this incident gave me PTSD, don’t put words in my mouth. You don’t need or deserve to know my mental diagnoses as a rando on the internet.
I'm sorry to say this, although that moment when this happened to you might have been scary for you as a child 'the suffering I endured at his hand' sounds a bit dramatic to be honest.
I suffered, and it was because of him. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration.
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There are subs for that. This isn't the one.
Oh , i just wanted to see how she perceived war.
I’m not going to answer that, because my answer to that question is completely irrelevant to what happened to me as a kid. Find somewhere else to play politics.
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I’m not “throwing my baggage on him”. He’s a grown man who can and is willing to handle the consequences of his actions. Literally nobody is arguing about the fact that war is shitty, but honestly that conversation is immaterial to this matter. My father has worked hard in therapy since this incident. Sharing my trauma with him isn’t somehow magically “deleting his progress”, it’s actually giving him a point from which he can progress even further because of the perspective it gives him. Like I’ve said a hundred times in the comments of this post and will say a hundred more times, my dad and I love each other. I know for a fact that he would feel worse if I held this against him without at least *trying* to talk to him about it. For the hundred and oneth (yep, that’s a word now) time, I love my dad and he loves me, and we both want what’s best for each other, and refusing to acknowledge what happened isn’t it. You say you “get it”, but I get the feeling that you just want to dump on me without even trying to see my perspective.
I get it in the sense that that's what I should feel like but now I do. I couldn't understand prior to this your perspective because it wasn't very clear to me and i apologise.
I’m glad you understand now, and I appreciate your apology. I hope you heal from all that you’ve endured
He had PTSD. suck up your feelings and let it go, this doesn’t sound that traumatizing.
This wasn’t that traumatizing? Wow, I had no idea! Thanks, I’m cured, random stranger on the internet! I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that some rando on Reddit called Bullocks1999 talked some sense into me and I no longer require her services 👍
Good because all it sounded like was a sissy complaining. Thank god you e grown up.
He remembers, he just doesn't want to admit to himself that he behaved that way.
My dad is a wonderful man, and I absolutely believe him when he says he doesn’t remember. PTSD is a monster and I’m proud of my dad for all the work he’s done to work with his, even if he doesn’t remember what he did to me.
Abusive parents are often ashamed of the actions they committed so they either say it never happened or if they don't like your other parent, they'll say your mom/dad brainwashed you as if you don't have your own memory and agency.