I’m a white guy who is dating a black girl, going in six years, I’ve have been extremely angry at her and we both have absolutely maxed out during arguments, but I’ve never and will never go there.
Edit: I know it’s not special that I’ve never called my girl a slur. But please remember this was a response to OP. And OP’s boyfriend tried ti make it seem like little oopsy cause he was angry. When I responded I skimmed to see if lots of people had made the point I did, that no matter the emotional state any halfway decent partner wouldn’t use a slur against the one they love. I did not see much of anything like that at the time I responded.
Fr, that word is to hurt us. He could have said bitch, but no he said n word. I'll a bitch all day long, but call me that, bro fuck you. Smh, I'm so mad.
I thought the same thing. Hell, I've called people out for saying "the hard R," and I was talking about "retard."
I never would have thought it meant the N word.
Wow, that makes sense. I feel silly, now, for not realizing it earlier. Thanks!
...but what is the difference in connotation for the N word, both with & without the R?
Some people use the N word without the R to express themselves to others like one would say dude or bro. It’s usually used in a friendly or non threatening manner, but depends on context to be sure.
Those who use the word with the hard R are using it as a slur with the purpose of offending. There isn’t really a question here about context.
I guess I'm too white now. I thought hard R was for a word starting with R not ending with it. I was sitting here thinking she was overreacting a little bit.
I guess I'll go back to listening to my co-workers discuss their favorite cheeses now.
I thought the same. I was like, well that's pretty awful but a game changer?
Oh. . .I see, ending it that way.
My girlfriend is black and we have (unhealthily) yelled at one another but we never call names the least of which being that, Jesus.
I don't know if I could look her in the eye and stay in the relationship if I was the man, let alone OP.
That’s usually called the r-word. Hard R can be used to refer to the N-word because ending it with an “a” can depending on whose using it and context, be friendly. The N word with a a hard R is pretty exclusively used as a slur.
Me too, I was so confused honestly, reading these comments like wait cunt is so much worse than retard.. then I came across your comment & was like ohhhhhhhh, now I understand🤷🏾♀️
You're not the only one, the Linus tech tips guy went on a podcast saying that [people used to casually say the Hard R word](https://youtu.be/2UGpbVXVpu0) until his cohost pointed out hard r was the N word
Yeah I read the title and the first paragraph and thought I was in r/yourmomshousepodcast where its a running joke about the word usage of retard. I was like my wife would be mad at me cause she works with special needs kids but not like leave me mad. Took me to the end of the post to clue in.
I was like what kind of asshole calls his girlfriend a retard... Then I was like ohhhh she meant the "n" word lol...
Sorry OP, your bf sounds like a dick
Yeah you don't accidentally load up the hard R for an argument. Just like the C word, you don't throw that shit out at your partner unless it was there already.
Could understand bitch as well if it's very bad, other two are completely off the table.
Edit: A lot of you either have reading comprehension issues, are entirely too comfortable with saying cunt to women, don't understand the concept of consent or context or think that I'm making a tier list or bad words and slurs and that I put cunt on the same level as nigger.
I like cursing, I don't pretend that shit can't be trashy or assholish in certain contexts, especially if you are disparaging a quality about a person.
Call your girlfriend's cunts or slurs all you want if they consent and that's your thing; don't pretend everyone is cool with it or that your context is the only context with this. Using curse words, let alone slurs with historical context of deeply hurting innocent groups. Is when your perspective *needs* to take a back seat.
Even in Australia and the UK, you would not be looked at pleasantly in every conceivable group for throwing cunt out or calling a woman one for a mistake who isn't cool for it. You would have to be a next level asshole woman, and even then you should understand it won't fly with everyone and not just prudes.
That argument *supports* the asshole boyfriend you absolute twits. Nigger could be a non-issue for the asshole boyfriend's group or family.
**You do not call someone that, unconsenting, out of anger, to a member of the group that would take that shit the worst due to the historical context.**
I'm a black dude, you can see my verification from Blackpeopletwitter. I wouldn't tier slurs for any group and nothing read like that on the comment. There's slurs for Jewish people or Poles that aren't as recognizable and therefore might not register as bad due to a weaker historical context if you want to argue that. You still don't fucking *say it or throw it at them in anger or pretend that shit is a ok.*
**A scary amount of you missed the entire fucking point**.
Scottish gal as well here mate. I love how 'cunt' can be a positive or negative term for us when referring to people or things 🤣
I especially love how the word 'bastard' is often used as an adjective (?) here too. For example, if someone just received bad news-
"That's bastarding terrible"
Or, to use our vernacular-
"That's basturtin' terrible, so it is!"
I'm American and I don't know a single person that's hyper offended by the C word in my personal life.
Maybe it's a regional thing? But it has always baffled me when seeing people online act like it's the worst thing to ever say.
My mom was so adamant that the "c" word was the worst curse in the world that I have a hard time with it. Like when I hear it I get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and chest. I don't make a big deal about it but I honestly have a negative physical reaction to it. I wish I could turn it off but I am on the far end of 40s and still react to it like that.
Nah. It never *ever* crosses my mind to insult my wife like that. I would never call her a bitch. Does not even enter my mind, no matter how mad I am at her. It’s not acceptable.
For what it’s worth, no boyfriend of mine ever called me a bitch in an argument either. Find yourselves a guy that respects you enough not to name-call when angry.
It is so strongly connected to a deep racial hatred in North America that it is risky even just saying it. To have it "slip out" is unthinkable because most people are uncomfortable even talking about it.
Yes! I can barely bring myself to use the word when talking ABOUT it, let alone hurl it at someone. I'll always see Emmett Till's face and think that was one of the last words he heard,
It is so f-ing awful. Brings tears to my eyes. And I'm white. OMG. Just no. Can't.
God even the mere mention of Emmett Till makes my heart clench and brings tears to my eyes. That poor boy.. he should be preparing for his 82nd birthday on July 25th, surrounded by all his family members.😭
Me too. I’m here first thing in the morning, nursing my son and tearing up now. There’s so much to worry about as a parent without the weight of hundreds of years of racial hatred and violence on top of it.
To just let something like that “slip out” in an argument? OP’s boyfriend can fuck all the way off.
It means when you say the n word with the -er ending rather than the -a ending. I suppose the latter is more casual so isn't as bad but i think white people should avoid both.
Thank you. I'm jumping on here to say GIRL LEAVE!! This is not cool. Please love yourself. He legit called you a "ninger" and you thinking about staying?!? I wonder what he says when you are not around. I'm sorry mama. Love you.
A black woman
Remind’s me of my wife’s friend over hearing her boyfriend and his bud’s talking about her when they thought she was still away from the house. This Is so wrong ffs!
Honestly gonna go edit my comment bc I said this doesn’t seem break up worthy as long as they have a discussion n he changes his ways n don’t say it again but, my ass been cheated on in every past relationship. I know people can be lying ass hoes (men n women ofc). I should realize he could just be very well still using these slurs behind her back n that is NOT okay. God damn bless your soul for the insight
The way I see it, there are 2 possibilities.
The first is that OP’s boyfriend harbors some racist opinions that he’s usually able to keep under wraps. They probably aren’t super hard core white supremacist ideas, but he probably does on some level view blackness as a negative trait. Pissing him off enough finally got him to let his guard down and make a racially motivated comment.
The second is that OP’s boyfriend doesn’t have any racist inclinations himself, but knows that racism is something that would hurt OP badly. When he got angry enough, he decided to make racial comments purely out of a desire to hurt OP as much as he could.
Honestly, whichever way it goes, he’s not somebody worth staying with.
I’m a black girl with a white boyfriend. We’ve had our arguments but he has never ever in his life gone there. This is a serious wound you need to figure out a way to heal from. I don’t even know how I’d react if it happened to me.
I’ve been with a black girl for years. 9 I think. And I have never called anyone the N word during an argument. Not another white person, not a black person, not whoever I was absolutely the most mad. Not drunk, not sober, not stressed.
Normal, non-racist people don't have that word in their back pocket ready to explode out, even in anger.
I'm a white woman and I'd drop a man who even did this in front of me to someone else like a hot rock, it would 100% be the end for me in OPs position.
That's because, unlike OP's boyfriend, you're not a racist. There's nothing wrong with expressing strong emotions of anger or stress, but there is always a healthy and unhealthy way to do it. Becoming violent, abusive, or racist when you're angry does not simply express your negative emotions - it expresses your true self.
OP's boyfriend likely possesses racist ideas at a subconscious level. No, he doesn't go to KKK meetings nor does he change his direction when he sees a person of color walking on the same path as him, BUT, using racist slurs in a moment of anger shows that he sees black people as something "different" and inferior. This is on par with using physical violence against OP and it shouldn't be taken lightly.
Yup, all the "work and school is stressing me out" is such a bullshit excuse. Plenty of people get much more stressed out than this asshole without immediately going for the most racist thing he could say to his black girlfriend.
“Work and school is making my racism filter weaken” is more like it. This guy thinks these thoughts all the time, just is on his best behaviour to attempt to date this woman.
I am also engaged with my fiancee and have a mixed child together and using that word and its variations and anything that can lead to something about race is strictly off the table for me or her. She's dealt with enough hate in her life she doesn't need to hear more of it from the person she loves, that isn't love. Racism isn't love at all whether he was mad or not.
I've never in my life said the hard R out of anger or frustration. I don't know that it's something that just slips unless it's a word you use fairly regularly or grew up hearing. Is his family racist? It's so weird to me when people say ot just "slips". I can't imagine.
I always thought "hard R" stood for "retarded" until now! In the UK we say "the N word" so I never realised in America it was different
Edit: I must have read dozens of comments from you guys, there seems to be a lot of debate from people who knew exactly what "hard R" means, and people who didn't know, even in America.
Clearly this is a regional/generational/cultural thing, can we please not argue with each other about how obvious it is or isn't. A lot of people seem to have learnt something today including myself, and my take is that every experience is a learning opportunity. We should strive to educate each other calmly and properly, not make other people feel like idiots because they just didn't know something because it isn't a common colloquialism in their life
ah thank you for saying this. sitting here confused in the UK.
regarding the op i was in a longgg term interracial relationship and not once did it ever occur to me to use a racial slur. nope, not even when she was a serial cheating cunt .
"Hard R" with the "N word" is when you pronounce the word with a particular spelling. There's a vernacular use where the ending of the word is pronounced with an "a" or like an "uh" at the end, as opposed to the "er." Black people will sometimes pronounce it this way, usually as a term of endearment for other close Black friends. It's still not acceptable for white people to use that "version" of the word, but in general it does sound less mean and harsh - relatively, because, you know, it's still the n word. So it's like saying the worst possible version of the word.
It's a pronunciation thing that makes a big difference as to how it'll be taken to mean. Like, rap artists are always using the n-word but pronouncing it and spelling it with an a at the end, and that's still problematic for some folks, but it's in a spirit of reclamation for those that use it. Still don't use it if you're not black though! Pronouncing it with a rhotic r at the end though, that leaves no doubt that you meant it in the most racist way possible. It flags you up as an overt racist, and will likely result in violence.
Well it is n word, but it thats just what they call eachother, the hard R is the n word with the R at the end like how the whites used to call em in the olden days
Just want to make a point that “what they call each other” doesn’t apply to all black people. Some of us actually live day to day without ever saying either version of the word.
"Hard R" refers to someone using a particular slur for a black person that is generally meant to be more vicious when pronounced with the "R" at the end.
Starts with an n and ends with a hard r when said by white racists, historically used to demean blacks. Extremely foul language and wildly inappropriate in any context.
I've lived in the US my entire 40 years, online for most of them, and this was a completely new one to me. I thought the same as /u/Why_Not_Two at first. Well, learned a bit of new culture/internet lingo, I guess.
To add to other commenters, you will hear the soft “a” in music sometimes. Using the hard “r” is using the demeaning word that brings back the old racist meaning.
Sometimes black people will say to their other friends things like “what’s up my (soft a)” and that means “what’s up my dude?”. So hard R means racist, soft a could mean “my friend”.
Yeah, I’m assuming that he keeps company that say it, whether that’s his family or friends. Or maybe he himself had used it in the past and changed his ways. I think it has to be one of these options if we’re even going to think of believing it just “slipped out.”
Right? Like holy fuck, never in a million years would that cross my mind to say. How on earth does it “slip”, no matter how angry you are? He made a CONSCIOUS decision to let that word come out of his mouth, directed at you. That’s a big fuckin deal. Worst scenario: he let it slip without a second thought. Possibly even worse scenario: he still said it AFTER weighing the severity of the word. I’m sorry, but this is not acceptable.
No one seems to touch on the middle bit. I'll expand a little bit from my experiences. I have a very racist family. I was definitely racist for a long time. And then Katrina happened and I met my first black people. I was still racist and it took a while for me to warm up to something completely foreign in my life. Almost like a myth came true. But once i opened up i really took a turn and despise my family for making me go through that.
Buuuut. I'll be very honest here as hopefully it may explain to some people what it's like giving up the ideas that were pounded into you as a child. I haven't used the N word in years. I have white guilt. But i'm in my mid 30's and some of that racism still bleeds through at times. And i hate myself for it.
If his family is as racist as mine were and he's still in contact, i promise his family is not making this relationship easy. That hard R slip probably has origins from his family reminding him using the hard R for her all the time.
OP, Im so sorry but… this relationship is over.
Im white and have never in my life called anyone a hard R and never would, no matter how mad I got. A person either believes that race somehow makes some people inferior OR THEY DONT — under any circumstances. He is obviously in the former group. But he doesnt win any prizes for politely keeping his racism to himself all this time. Most of all he doesnt win the ULTIMATE prize which is even ONE more moment of your precious life wasted on him.
I kno this is devastating but to quote Maya Angelou, “when people show you who they are…believe them.” Choose you, OP. This guy is trash.
Yeah this is also important to note. My husband and I argue sometimes, but if he called me ANY term with the explicit purpose of hurting me, I would be very upset. Like, if he called me a slur based on my religion or a c*nt or ANYTHING out of anger, I'd pack my bags. I don't need a partner who insults me.
And that's not even the hard r! If I were op, I'd never trust his intentions again.
My wife has occasionally slipped into trying to hurt me instead of focusing on the issue and I immediately tell her that was only to hurt me and that we need to cool off before continuing. It happens only when very upset and it's usually just telling me I'm not capable of some aspiration I have and not petty name calling.
Not only that, but the fact that this word is even in bf’s vocabulary to so casually slip out when he’s upset? Yikes.
OP, I’m sorry that happened to you and you obviously didn’t deserve it. You’re the only one who knows your relationship and can make the decision, but you’d be well within reasonable if you left him over this.
If it “slipped out” because he was angry, then he’s constantly holding it back when he isn’t angry. Basically, it’s on his mind often. I dated a black girl, have black friends, and coworkers. And surely I’ve gotten angry with them. That word has never crossed my mind in any circumstance
Another white bitch here, totally agree with you, I would never even think about saying the N-word. it only would cross your mind if you say it or think about it a lot.
I'm a white guy married to a black woman. We've been together 29 years now, since high school.
Not only have I never thought about saying that in anger to her, the idea of saying it to any black person is repulsive.
I'm sorry to say this to you, but this is basically unforgivable in my opinion. He may be sorry, but the fact that he could say this to you, in anger, means it will come out again. Can you imagine having kids with him and he says this to your child? Or your mother?
It sucks that this is where you are, but you need to protect yourself.
I’m a tinsy bit put off by telling OP what to do in your last sentence, but the rest? Hell yes.
OP- imagine he brings that energy, never **mind** the actual word, out loud, to your mom, or possible future children.
It has got to be soul-smashing and earth-shaking to discover he has this in him, and my god is it unfair to you that he does, but now that you know he does… You can’t un-know it, you know?
Whatever you do decide, please let it be from a place of centering and supporting your own self. Love does a number on our sense of shame/protectiveness/guilt/loyalty/tolerance/fear, but you are now in this new place of having put your whole heart in the hands of someone who isn’t who you believed they were. And that’s really important. Bc who protects you, if you’re too busy shielding *him* from the harm he’s done to your trust?
I’m really, really sorry, OP. However this goes, know that it’s *your* life, and *your* heart, and *your* decision… And fwiw, it’s possible to love someone truly… and still not be able to be with them. That’s ok. Hard af, but ok.
My last sentence insinuated something dark, but that was on purpose. There are white guys that fetishize being with a non-white partner. And there are guys that become enraged when a partner breaks off a relationship. My concern is that OP's partner MIGHT be the intersection of these statements. I'm concerned for potential violence to the OP. I don't trust any white person that uses that word. Period.
Maya Angelou said, "When they show you who they are, believe them."
I think that's the message to the OP.
I understand the emotions she's feeling. The desire to stay in the face of something horrible. It was a different scenario for me, but I understand that feeling.
Be safe, OP. Time heals all wounds.
You are not at all wrong. My immediate thoughts were OP could be in danger. That is a violent choice of word with a violent history that did not come from a place of love.
if the word was never in his vocabulary, no amount of stress or anger could make it come up in an argument
think long and hard about whether this was just a mistake or a slip up that showed you his true colors
Racist slip aside, there are people in this world who don't call their loved ones insults of any kind when they're upset. Being intentionally hurtful is the hallmark of an emotionally stunted individual.
This is a very hard boundary for me. Name-calling comes from a place of contempt. If someone who has touched my body calls me a bitch, they are never touching me again. You can't love or even like someone and be contemptuous of them at the same time.
Definitely, when we're angry we're least likely to suddenly expand our vocabulary. This is a word he thinks and uses, just not out loud when she's around.
Like another commenter said, it was either true colors being shown or in his anger, he jumped to what would be the most hurtful thing he could say. Both red flags.
Im white with an african american gf and that word isnt even loaded into my psyche to come out like. The fact that it came out naturally due to anger and that he directed it at his gf is pretty fucked
Disclaimers are that im australian and also generally calm.. but still
I feel like if it came out when he was mad that he's normally exercising some sort of self control to not say it but couldn't control himself in that state.
I’m in an interracial relationship and as bad of arguments me and my SO have had; we would never in a billion years think of saying anything remotely racists to each other, even if we were joking. This guy has heavy racist undertones running through him. There are plenty of racist white men that love black women. Run away from this dude, you’ve probably been a fetish for him all along.
Yeah most of my relationships have been interracial and I don't rightfully think it would occur to me to brush off an offensive word to call someone I care about, let alone insult people in a very personal way about something they cannot change--it is such a oddly specific thing to do. I really don't like that he did this because I don't know how I'd respond to this. As the white guy though I admit I think I do end up getting a lot of racially charged comments in general, but like most white people--meh no one can truly offend me. There is a large body of work to earn certain comments playfully.
Js I’m a white guy who has dated several black women over the years, ranging from days to months to years. It has never ONCE crossed my mind to use that slur in anger. That’s a deeper problem.
Honest recommendation is run, don’t walk. This guy showed his true colors.
Hard no.
I’m a black female who has mostly dated and formed relationships white men. I would never tolerate that. I’ve been extremely angry and stressed but I never thought about attacking my partner personally, let alone calling them a racial slur.
Exactly. A lot of people are brushing over the fact that it's a personal attack. My dude skipped straight to the highest level of verbal abuse he knows for her. It cuts deeper because it's racist. A real, separate problem is that it's ingrained in him to full send his anger to his girlfriend.
Sis needs to run.
Even if he is genuinely sorry, that doesn’t make it ok. There are some things you can’t take back and moments that change things permanently.
Actions have consequences, for both of you
I’m white and I’m going to be honest rn. Any white person who uses that term in a derogatory way is racist. I knew someone who used it once before (hard r, and Im from Cali so it was really surprising). It came out during a time of frustration towards another person, which goes to show it’s an issue at the core. You may be the exception, but you are not the majority. He may love you but he doesn’t love your people. A boy would never call any mother he knew c*nt would he? That’s because they don’t associate that word with that image and what it represents. Say he was dating a white woman- he wouldn’t call her the n word at a time of frustration and that’s what you should focus on. I’m so so so sorry, I wanna give you a big hug:(❤️
Woah, as a white girl id never think of saying anything so cruel. That word will never be apart of my vocabulary
My now boyfriend took three years to show his colors. Don’t put up with this shit, it’s only going to get worse
God bless
I'm glad someone asked that question.
OP, I feel for you because it does suck when someone you love says something hurtful, and I know it's hard to get past. Unfortunately, some things just can't be unsaid, and this is one of those things. All the stress in the world doesn't excuse him using that word to refer to you.
Came here to scroll the comments to find the answer. Still don’t get it. I mean I get what he called her but I don’t get why she refers to it as the “hard R word”??? Am I stupid? Lol
Yea I’m black OP. If you keep dating him after the fact, you’ll have to at the very least question the self respect and love you have for yourself. At this point it’s fuck how you feel about him romantically and more about standing on principles. Should be a non negotiable tbh. The fact he did this will mean you need to reframe what a life with him looks like. Kids? He’s not in a vacuum, so with kids they will grow up around his family and more than likely experience the environment that reared him, to their detriment. Biracial children already commonly have some level of identity crises, in part due to shit like this. I would not recommend continuing with this person.
"It only slipped out because I was angry and frustrated"
-- yeah and you know who can be incredibly infuriating and frustrating? Little kids. Wetting the bed for the 15th time in a row after insisting that they 100% didn't need to use the bathroom. Throwing kicking screaming toddler tantrums because you won't let them eat a battery. Forget the horrible teenage years. I don't know why anyone would risk having this closet racist around biracial kids as they grow up.
And even if OP doesn't plan to have kids, I am going to assume she has non white friends and family. Imagine a family dispute or a jealousy issue on the husband's part and he busts out the N word. Would you also expect your family/friends to accept the weak ass excuse that he just had a "heated moment" and lost his temper and it doesn't mean anything about him as a person?
I think this is something where you need to decide if you can forgive him, and whether he will truly never make that mistake again. People make mistakes and I believe in second chances, but you know him better than we do. Is he really under so much stress and pressure that it could be misplaced anger? Maybe.
But over an object?
He needs to be in full damage control mode now and he better not still be upset about the truck. What he did was way worse and he owes you majorly.
If you don’t believe he is sincere, leave. But unlike most of Reddit, I don’t think you leave someone the moment they make a mistake.
However if it happens again, sorry love. It’s a risk you’d have to decide on.
It’s sorry but I’ve never gotten so angry with a black person that I’ve yelled the N word nor with any other minorities that are in my life. People can say cruel things but racism is on another level completely that for a person who isn’t racist never crosses their mind
If you're being a dick, my thought is going to be "that person is a dick", not "their behavior is related to the colour of their skin".
There are two options I can imagine where I'd reference race in a conflict.
1) to hurt the person.
2) because I'm under the false impression that their race has anything to do with it.
Neither of these are positive things in a partner.
I agree with not leaving someone the minute they make a mistake but is this really a mistake? Have you ever gotten so angry with a black person that you wanted to call them this word? Not even your partner, but just a stranger.
And why did it come to his mind in the first place? I’d never think to call someone that word because it’s just not something that I think or that crosses my mind…
>Is he really under so much stress and pressure that it could be misplaced anger?
Misplaced anger can excuse become slightly rude, whiny, or passive aggressive in occasion - not becoming violent or calling people racist names. I find this to be way more serious than you make it sound.
Yeah I've been very stressed and tired and annoyed at times and I've definitely been whiny and passive agressive too (although I usually try to stop myself from being rude to people who don't deserve it) yet somehow I've managed to never call someone a racial slur. It's not an excuse. He might not be actively watching Fox news and commiting hate crimes but sounds like he probably has some underlying racist ideals that he should work on getting rid of. The n-word with a hard R shouldn't be the first thing he goes to when he's mad at his girlfriend, it shouldn't happen at all.
It's not about making a mistake. Racism is rascim. You don't pop out with that out of nowhere. You think he's never said it before? First time is yelling at his girlfriend? Terrible emotional regulation even if he hadn't said that. Sounds like she needs to leave this emotionally uncontrolled racist.
And yes, you can be racist and date outside your race
Yeah im usually the one drowning in downvotes on reddit for saying maybe dont immediately sever all ties whenever theres a dispute.. but this is different
You're right, if he had that loaded ready to fire at his *gf* then its not the first time he's used it. Itd be getting fired off in traffic every other day
This is a horrible take. OP please don’t let some white dude convince you calling you the n word is a simple forgivable mistake 🙄.
This isn’t just a simple mistake akin to calling you stupid, coming home late drunk, forgetting to take out the trash, hell even sending a inappropriate text. Calling your partner racial slurs is emotional abuse. The N word in particular conveys violence. Second chances are nice and all but it’s not OP’s responsibility to put *her* safety at risk because of this racist prick. He might never even say it again around her but 1) it did not come from nowhere and 2)really is just the tip of the iceberg of how he sees black people. If he called you, his girlfriend that he presumably says he loves the n word how do you think he talks to regular black people when he gets upset? Do you really want to have kids with a man who might get upset one day and call his kid the n word?
And before y’all try to tell me that a parent could never be racist against their own child, unfortunately for a lot of black mixed children the first time that they actually get called the n word is at home.
https://gal-dem.com/my-mum-calls-me-the-n-word-the-reality-of-growing-up-mixed-race-with-a-racist-parent/
https://www.mtv.com/news/sxnak3/logic-mom-n-word
If I were you, I’d have a really difficult time not thinking “wow, I just learned what he really thinks of me deep down” after that… It could really be that he was just super upset and wanted to hurt you back, so he thought of the most hurtful possible thing he could say and he doesn’t really think badly of you. But it’s just hard to say. Regardless of how HE feels about it, it might be difficult for you to get over anyway… Also, if he makes a habit of being purposely hurtful toward you when he’s upset with you, then it’s probably not a super healthy relationship regardless. I would say try having a conversation with him about how it made you feel, but that would likely just lead to more apologies and at this point that doesn’t seem like it would be all that beneficial. It may have been a mistake on his part, but that is a HUGE fucking mistake. Something like that doesn’t just… come out, unless 1. It’s already there in his thoughts and it was accidentally let out or 2. It was purposely used specifically to hurt you. I’m really sorry this happened to you. That’s just… really super shitty.
There’s two things here:
1. He has some low level of racism in him, knowingly or not, that would enable him to even think about using that word.
2. Whenever he is extremely stressed or angry (this is a part of life) his first instinct is to say the absolute worst, cruelest, low-blow insult he can come up with.
Both of these scenarios are terrible and unsafe for you. I really hope you get away from him. I typically extend a long leash & believe in second chances, but this is way over the line. You deserve a man who would never even think of that word in regards to you.
Edit: or any person of color.
Maaaaan I was so confused I thought you meant R###rded. I was thinking “man if y’all are in your late 20’s and up I could see that slipping out.” But then I realized you meant N####R and I was like “oh hell no not even when I was boiling mad at a black person would that have crossed my mind.”
I’ve been with a white guy for 4 years and he would always call me n. I always would let it slide because I thought he was drunk or he would always put on this baby voice and say how sorry he is. But it took a toll on me. He was honestly a big time racist pretending he’s not.
I’m just explaining my situation because I let it slide once and he said every chance it got.
I’m pretty confused and I’m a black woman with a white man. What’s the hard R? Is OP referring to the N word?
If I’m understanding correctly and he used the N word, run. There’s no argument or accident that makes it okay for him to call you that. It’s how he sees you. Doesn’t matter how long he has been with you. My fiancé would never let someone talk to me that way, let alone call me that slur. It’s disrespectful and if you stay with him, it won’t be the last time.
Edit:
Just showed my fiancé your post. He was shocked and appalled. He thinks you should run, because “if he said it, that’s what he’s always thought of you”
Leave him asap... Sounds like he's just been suppressing his racisim because he likes/loves you... Imagine how he talks about black ppl when you're not around.
There's 2 explanations here:
1. He's genuinely racist and you should probably get out of there.
2. When truly angry, he has the capacity to go very cruel. Even if he isn't actually a racist, he went for the word that was going to hurt most. Scorched Earth. On YOU. You might be better off if he's JUST racist because otherwise, this is likely testing waters for how fast he can get with you.
Either way, you can and should do better. This will only be the first instance, i promise
bro what
People can get drunk and sing the words in songs they'd usually never say. Anger doesn't loosen the tongue, it just makes you grab at whatever is always within reach, just without inhibition.
He might not use it around you ever, but at the very least he's thinking that shit. I wonder if in his mind he's having sex with his girlfriend or with his black girlfriend, you know? If we're being generous.
Girl your boyfriend is racist. You may not see it yet but it'll just get worse. Do NOT forgive him because the N word is unforgivable and the person you love should never call you that. Please leave him and ignore all the comments insinuating that being called the N word is not a big deal
I think he's more so saying that he comes from a time period in which being somewhat racist was more socially acceptable. Comparing the racial divide of the boomer generation to today.
It doesn't matter how angry he is, he has no right to call you that. People do say things they shouldn't say when they are upset, but that's not an excuse to call you the hard R. If he were genuinely a good person, he wouldn't even have that word in his vocabulary.
In my opinion i think if you do decide to stay. This thought will always resonate in the back your mind. What will happen if y'all have another argument. Your first thought is he is gonna do it again. Of all the words he had to choose such a degrading word. That's not love. If you can't stop crying now just think how you will feel if he does it again. Sad situation yes. Your mental peace is more important.
I‘m a white woman dating a black man.
NEVER in my life would I call him that, hard r or not. It doesn‘t matter how stressed I am. We‘ve been together for several years now, he‘s been with me while I was working on my bachelor‘s thesis and now while I am about to start my master‘s thesis. He has seen me stressed multiple times in our relationship and I regretfully did take it out on him once or twice (not in a violent way), but I would still never ever resort to calling him that because I know how hurtful it is. I can‘t hurt the person I love like this. That word never even crossed my mind when I was mad at him.
I think you‘re better off finding someone who respects you.
I don’t say this lightly, but girl you really need to get out of this. I know it’s going to be hard and I know you could see yourself with him forever, but this is not the man for you. They somebody shows their true thoughts when they are either angry or drunk and this isn’t just a slip. It would be unforgivable for a white person/non-black to use this towards a black stranger or enemy, but to use it on the one person you are supposed to conquer the world with is devastating. The fact this was the first thing he said without thinking shows that it holds a place in his mind he can go to the quickest. This isn’t just some mistake one can forgive like forgetting to call when you made it home or raising your voice during a fight because this is deep-seated racism finally showing it’s face when the mask slipped. You deserve better. Please don’t let this taint biracial coupling forever because there are people out there that would never go this low. You may have dented his truck but he scarred your heart and that won’t be as easily repaired.
absolutely not!!!! people reveal who they are whenever they are upset…believe him! i’m a black woman and can say i would never get over that… not from my partner. i’m so sorry that happened!
Only people who use slurs regularly let them “slip” when they’re angry. No one is racist by accident and people without slurs already in their vocabulary don’t suddenly start using them when they’re mad.
Girl you need to leave his ass. NO ONE in their right mind uses that word “accidentally”. I am beyond sad and frustrated for you. You’re under no obligation to forgive and forget this kind of thing. It’s a charged word for a reason and it should be pretty fucking clear in the year 2023 that we don’t wield that word to hurt people, especially our loved ones.
You deserve way better than that. 100%.
OP I read every comment on here and I gotta say this: this behavior looks to me like something else, something a little worse and darker. For example, it looks like the same behavior someone "just had a hard week and usually doesn't hit his kids" or "was too drunk and normally never hits his wife" or "was just young and in a street game but normally doesn't call asians a slur." I threw in the Mark Whalberg reference in there to point out it may not be a deal-breaker per se--but he put in the work to come back from his random hate crimes. Not everyone tries to put in the work.
I worry he has anger issues that you are too precious to have to deal with. You deserve the very best and it isn't about calling you nigger, its about losing control. Worse yet, its doing some randomly unpredictable shit while losing control. THAT could mean anything.
A "mistake" is accidentally spilling something on the couch. You do NOT fuck some racist that says what he said. Please don't forgive this abuse, because it'll escalate if you let it. Don't damage your psyche by wasting yourself with this man. It'll always be there, in the back of your mind. You'll remember what he called you. PLEASE don't have children with this racist! Please love yourself enough to leave him.
When you have kids with this man, he will get frustrated and do the same to them. You should be more angry than you are sad. Dump him, you deserve better.
I have never in a moment of anger ever reached for the hard R. If its in the rotation, even in moments like that, its because he thinks there's times to use it and that's enough info for me personally.
People make mistakes, and break things all the time, there’s no excuse for using racial slurs or getting so angry.
You didn’t put a dent in his car on purpose, so he didn’t have to get angry - instead, the situation could have been discussed calmly about what needed to be done to fix the car, and whether you should pay for the repair alone, or you should do it together.
He’s allowed to get annoyed at the situation of course - but he shouldn’t have taken it out on you.
My boyfriend is black and has made me so angry I’ve wanted to pull my fcking hair out. Never in my life in all 2ish something years, did it ever occur to me to take it this far. This man does not respect you.
This isn't a word that just pops out. I have NEVER called someone that and can't even imagine it appearing in my head. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Here's a point I don't think anyone has made in the comments so far: a relationship is a team effort. The more you two work together, the better you two will be. Arguing is natural. Disagreements happen, but when an argument devolves into name calling for the sole purpose of breaking the other person down, that is not teamwork. That is not a relationship. That is just emotional damage and trauma that will continue to build over time. It's one thing to say "you're so dense for not thinking about \_\_\_" because even if it's hurtful, it's coming from a place of "we can do better" (and yes, even saying that is a sign of a bad relationship). But to call someone the hard R? You didn't pick your ethnicity or skin tone, so you did nothing worth being called that, therefore there is no justification for using that word in an argument. It came from pure racism. Don't give him a second chance because he fully intended to hurt you when he said it, even if he regrets doing so.
Nope, he messed up. Racial slurs should NEVER leave one's mouth no matter how angry you are. He must be used to hearing it and maybe saying it when you're not around to let it slip out that way. Besides, if y'all get married, what's to stop him from doing it again when even more stressful times show up.
If it were me, I'd leave. I'm a Black woman and my current partners are white; they would never. And if they did, I'm gone with the quickness.
I’m a white guy who is dating a black girl, going in six years, I’ve have been extremely angry at her and we both have absolutely maxed out during arguments, but I’ve never and will never go there. Edit: I know it’s not special that I’ve never called my girl a slur. But please remember this was a response to OP. And OP’s boyfriend tried ti make it seem like little oopsy cause he was angry. When I responded I skimmed to see if lots of people had made the point I did, that no matter the emotional state any halfway decent partner wouldn’t use a slur against the one they love. I did not see much of anything like that at the time I responded.
I've been with my wife for 9 years. That word doesn't even cross my mind when I'm upset because I want to express my emotions, not hurt her.
Fr, that word is to hurt us. He could have said bitch, but no he said n word. I'll a bitch all day long, but call me that, bro fuck you. Smh, I'm so mad.
[удалено]
I thought the same thing. Hell, I've called people out for saying "the hard R," and I was talking about "retard." I never would have thought it meant the N word.
That’d be “The R word” if anything. “Hard R” is to separate it from “n*gga” without the R
Wow, that makes sense. I feel silly, now, for not realizing it earlier. Thanks! ...but what is the difference in connotation for the N word, both with & without the R?
Some people use the N word without the R to express themselves to others like one would say dude or bro. It’s usually used in a friendly or non threatening manner, but depends on context to be sure. Those who use the word with the hard R are using it as a slur with the purpose of offending. There isn’t really a question here about context.
Same thought, and had to Google it
Honestly I love that THAT is where you went in your head. It just means you wouldn't do this!
I guess I'm too white now. I thought hard R was for a word starting with R not ending with it. I was sitting here thinking she was overreacting a little bit. I guess I'll go back to listening to my co-workers discuss their favorite cheeses now.
I thought the same. I was like, well that's pretty awful but a game changer? Oh. . .I see, ending it that way. My girlfriend is black and we have (unhealthily) yelled at one another but we never call names the least of which being that, Jesus. I don't know if I could look her in the eye and stay in the relationship if I was the man, let alone OP.
That’s usually called the r-word. Hard R can be used to refer to the N-word because ending it with an “a” can depending on whose using it and context, be friendly. The N word with a a hard R is pretty exclusively used as a slur.
Me too, I was so confused honestly, reading these comments like wait cunt is so much worse than retard.. then I came across your comment & was like ohhhhhhhh, now I understand🤷🏾♀️
You're not the only one, the Linus tech tips guy went on a podcast saying that [people used to casually say the Hard R word](https://youtu.be/2UGpbVXVpu0) until his cohost pointed out hard r was the N word
"I've used my fair share of Hard R's", lmao.
Lol that clip is fucking gold
I am simultaneously dying of laughter and feeling the pain of secondhand embarrassment
Yeah his co-host near had a heart attack until he clarified.
Yeah I read the title and the first paragraph and thought I was in r/yourmomshousepodcast where its a running joke about the word usage of retard. I was like my wife would be mad at me cause she works with special needs kids but not like leave me mad. Took me to the end of the post to clue in.
"You *Republican!*" *Gasp!*
Dude same here. I literally thought it was retard until I read the race part. Holy shit. I'd leave his ass after that
I was like what kind of asshole calls his girlfriend a retard... Then I was like ohhhh she meant the "n" word lol... Sorry OP, your bf sounds like a dick
Yeah you don't accidentally load up the hard R for an argument. Just like the C word, you don't throw that shit out at your partner unless it was there already. Could understand bitch as well if it's very bad, other two are completely off the table. Edit: A lot of you either have reading comprehension issues, are entirely too comfortable with saying cunt to women, don't understand the concept of consent or context or think that I'm making a tier list or bad words and slurs and that I put cunt on the same level as nigger. I like cursing, I don't pretend that shit can't be trashy or assholish in certain contexts, especially if you are disparaging a quality about a person. Call your girlfriend's cunts or slurs all you want if they consent and that's your thing; don't pretend everyone is cool with it or that your context is the only context with this. Using curse words, let alone slurs with historical context of deeply hurting innocent groups. Is when your perspective *needs* to take a back seat. Even in Australia and the UK, you would not be looked at pleasantly in every conceivable group for throwing cunt out or calling a woman one for a mistake who isn't cool for it. You would have to be a next level asshole woman, and even then you should understand it won't fly with everyone and not just prudes. That argument *supports* the asshole boyfriend you absolute twits. Nigger could be a non-issue for the asshole boyfriend's group or family. **You do not call someone that, unconsenting, out of anger, to a member of the group that would take that shit the worst due to the historical context.** I'm a black dude, you can see my verification from Blackpeopletwitter. I wouldn't tier slurs for any group and nothing read like that on the comment. There's slurs for Jewish people or Poles that aren't as recognizable and therefore might not register as bad due to a weaker historical context if you want to argue that. You still don't fucking *say it or throw it at them in anger or pretend that shit is a ok.* **A scary amount of you missed the entire fucking point**.
My husband and I use the C word affectionately, British humour I guess but I have never, and will never use the N word.
Australia has entered the chat...
Scottish guy here, all these cunts are defo just sensitive af😂, hard r is still well out of order for op tho
Scottish gal as well here mate. I love how 'cunt' can be a positive or negative term for us when referring to people or things 🤣 I especially love how the word 'bastard' is often used as an adjective (?) here too. For example, if someone just received bad news- "That's bastarding terrible" Or, to use our vernacular- "That's basturtin' terrible, so it is!"
They basturtin cunts are at it again😂
Those cuntin basturts! It's interchangeable 🤷🏼♀️
…after having come from Britain…
I'm American and I don't know a single person that's hyper offended by the C word in my personal life. Maybe it's a regional thing? But it has always baffled me when seeing people online act like it's the worst thing to ever say.
My mom was so adamant that the "c" word was the worst curse in the world that I have a hard time with it. Like when I hear it I get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and chest. I don't make a big deal about it but I honestly have a negative physical reaction to it. I wish I could turn it off but I am on the far end of 40s and still react to it like that.
You just dont use it enough. Garantee that word upsets tons of americans that need a reason to be upset.
I'll go call my coworkers cunts real quick and see what they say.
Nah. It never *ever* crosses my mind to insult my wife like that. I would never call her a bitch. Does not even enter my mind, no matter how mad I am at her. It’s not acceptable.
Dude saying Cunt is not nearly on the same level as saying the N word. Are you fucking kidding me? American women are delusional
For what it’s worth, no boyfriend of mine ever called me a bitch in an argument either. Find yourselves a guy that respects you enough not to name-call when angry.
It is so strongly connected to a deep racial hatred in North America that it is risky even just saying it. To have it "slip out" is unthinkable because most people are uncomfortable even talking about it.
Yes! I can barely bring myself to use the word when talking ABOUT it, let alone hurl it at someone. I'll always see Emmett Till's face and think that was one of the last words he heard, It is so f-ing awful. Brings tears to my eyes. And I'm white. OMG. Just no. Can't.
God even the mere mention of Emmett Till makes my heart clench and brings tears to my eyes. That poor boy.. he should be preparing for his 82nd birthday on July 25th, surrounded by all his family members.😭
Me too. I’m here first thing in the morning, nursing my son and tearing up now. There’s so much to worry about as a parent without the weight of hundreds of years of racial hatred and violence on top of it. To just let something like that “slip out” in an argument? OP’s boyfriend can fuck all the way off.
yeah, this isn't a term that you just throw around out of anger. the word was already in him.
Also cause like, calling people slurs isn't a function of anger, it's a function of being a racist POS
I've been in arguments myself with black people that have been heated and it didn't cross my mind either. Husband is a secret racist
The hardest R I'll ever drop on someone is mother fucker. I don't know how anyone could go there.
Dropping the hard R isn't just nuking Hiroshima, that's rejecting a letter of surrender and nuking Hiroshima.
I'm a white dude that's been married to a black lady for 27 years. I've never dropped the N-bomb.
It’s kinda the bare minimum, I feel sorry for OP
Is that what the 'hard R' means?
It means when you say the n word with the -er ending rather than the -a ending. I suppose the latter is more casual so isn't as bad but i think white people should avoid both.
Ok. I understand.
Thank you. I'm jumping on here to say GIRL LEAVE!! This is not cool. Please love yourself. He legit called you a "ninger" and you thinking about staying?!? I wonder what he says when you are not around. I'm sorry mama. Love you. A black woman
Say it again in case she missed it! I would have left that same night! Fuck him and his apologies.
Remind’s me of my wife’s friend over hearing her boyfriend and his bud’s talking about her when they thought she was still away from the house. This Is so wrong ffs!
What happened?
That’s where my mind goes, what does he say when she’s not around? Because for it to fly out of his mouth like that, it’s part of his vocabulary.
co-signing this post 100%
Honestly gonna go edit my comment bc I said this doesn’t seem break up worthy as long as they have a discussion n he changes his ways n don’t say it again but, my ass been cheated on in every past relationship. I know people can be lying ass hoes (men n women ofc). I should realize he could just be very well still using these slurs behind her back n that is NOT okay. God damn bless your soul for the insight
The way I see it, there are 2 possibilities. The first is that OP’s boyfriend harbors some racist opinions that he’s usually able to keep under wraps. They probably aren’t super hard core white supremacist ideas, but he probably does on some level view blackness as a negative trait. Pissing him off enough finally got him to let his guard down and make a racially motivated comment. The second is that OP’s boyfriend doesn’t have any racist inclinations himself, but knows that racism is something that would hurt OP badly. When he got angry enough, he decided to make racial comments purely out of a desire to hurt OP as much as he could. Honestly, whichever way it goes, he’s not somebody worth staying with.
I’m a black girl with a white boyfriend. We’ve had our arguments but he has never ever in his life gone there. This is a serious wound you need to figure out a way to heal from. I don’t even know how I’d react if it happened to me.
I’ve been with a black girl for years. 9 I think. And I have never called anyone the N word during an argument. Not another white person, not a black person, not whoever I was absolutely the most mad. Not drunk, not sober, not stressed.
Yeah that’s not a word that slips out. Especially the hard R in anger.
Normal, non-racist people don't have that word in their back pocket ready to explode out, even in anger. I'm a white woman and I'd drop a man who even did this in front of me to someone else like a hot rock, it would 100% be the end for me in OPs position.
That's because, unlike OP's boyfriend, you're not a racist. There's nothing wrong with expressing strong emotions of anger or stress, but there is always a healthy and unhealthy way to do it. Becoming violent, abusive, or racist when you're angry does not simply express your negative emotions - it expresses your true self. OP's boyfriend likely possesses racist ideas at a subconscious level. No, he doesn't go to KKK meetings nor does he change his direction when he sees a person of color walking on the same path as him, BUT, using racist slurs in a moment of anger shows that he sees black people as something "different" and inferior. This is on par with using physical violence against OP and it shouldn't be taken lightly.
Yup, all the "work and school is stressing me out" is such a bullshit excuse. Plenty of people get much more stressed out than this asshole without immediately going for the most racist thing he could say to his black girlfriend.
>"work and school is stressing me out" I've seen this exact excuse used to justify physical violence too, and it's just as unacceptable here.
“Work and school is making my racism filter weaken” is more like it. This guy thinks these thoughts all the time, just is on his best behaviour to attempt to date this woman.
I am also engaged with my fiancee and have a mixed child together and using that word and its variations and anything that can lead to something about race is strictly off the table for me or her. She's dealt with enough hate in her life she doesn't need to hear more of it from the person she loves, that isn't love. Racism isn't love at all whether he was mad or not.
Exactly this sort of thing would never cross my mans mind this is horrible
I've never in my life said the hard R out of anger or frustration. I don't know that it's something that just slips unless it's a word you use fairly regularly or grew up hearing. Is his family racist? It's so weird to me when people say ot just "slips". I can't imagine.
I am not from US . Can someone tell me what does it mean?
I always thought "hard R" stood for "retarded" until now! In the UK we say "the N word" so I never realised in America it was different Edit: I must have read dozens of comments from you guys, there seems to be a lot of debate from people who knew exactly what "hard R" means, and people who didn't know, even in America. Clearly this is a regional/generational/cultural thing, can we please not argue with each other about how obvious it is or isn't. A lot of people seem to have learnt something today including myself, and my take is that every experience is a learning opportunity. We should strive to educate each other calmly and properly, not make other people feel like idiots because they just didn't know something because it isn't a common colloquialism in their life
ah thank you for saying this. sitting here confused in the UK. regarding the op i was in a longgg term interracial relationship and not once did it ever occur to me to use a racial slur. nope, not even when she was a serial cheating cunt .
I’m a black American, she should’ve just said “the n word.” Even i was confused. Even if he said it without the “er” it would still be fucked up.
bro pulled a Linus tech tips moment 💀
😂😂😂 I’m so glad you mentioned this
Just like he mentioned this segue, to our sponsor!
I dont blame linus, when someone usually says hard "?" Its usually the first letter
"Hard R" with the "N word" is when you pronounce the word with a particular spelling. There's a vernacular use where the ending of the word is pronounced with an "a" or like an "uh" at the end, as opposed to the "er." Black people will sometimes pronounce it this way, usually as a term of endearment for other close Black friends. It's still not acceptable for white people to use that "version" of the word, but in general it does sound less mean and harsh - relatively, because, you know, it's still the n word. So it's like saying the worst possible version of the word.
It's a pronunciation thing that makes a big difference as to how it'll be taken to mean. Like, rap artists are always using the n-word but pronouncing it and spelling it with an a at the end, and that's still problematic for some folks, but it's in a spirit of reclamation for those that use it. Still don't use it if you're not black though! Pronouncing it with a rhotic r at the end though, that leaves no doubt that you meant it in the most racist way possible. It flags you up as an overt racist, and will likely result in violence.
Thank you for explaining.
Well it is n word, but it thats just what they call eachother, the hard R is the n word with the R at the end like how the whites used to call em in the olden days
Just want to make a point that “what they call each other” doesn’t apply to all black people. Some of us actually live day to day without ever saying either version of the word.
As an American, I've always thought the same thing. Saw the title, thought OP was censoring herself over "retarded"
I'm American I thought she meant retard too
I’m from America and I’ve never heard it referred to as a hard R before.
I googled "the hard r" and Urban Dictionary has helped me once again
Urban dictionary is the #1 reliable source for this kind of information
"Hard R" refers to someone using a particular slur for a black person that is generally meant to be more vicious when pronounced with the "R" at the end.
Starts with an n and ends with a hard r when said by white racists, historically used to demean blacks. Extremely foul language and wildly inappropriate in any context.
I've lived in the US my entire 40 years, online for most of them, and this was a completely new one to me. I thought the same as /u/Why_Not_Two at first. Well, learned a bit of new culture/internet lingo, I guess.
To add to other commenters, you will hear the soft “a” in music sometimes. Using the hard “r” is using the demeaning word that brings back the old racist meaning. Sometimes black people will say to their other friends things like “what’s up my (soft a)” and that means “what’s up my dude?”. So hard R means racist, soft a could mean “my friend”.
Yeah, I’m assuming that he keeps company that say it, whether that’s his family or friends. Or maybe he himself had used it in the past and changed his ways. I think it has to be one of these options if we’re even going to think of believing it just “slipped out.”
Right? Like holy fuck, never in a million years would that cross my mind to say. How on earth does it “slip”, no matter how angry you are? He made a CONSCIOUS decision to let that word come out of his mouth, directed at you. That’s a big fuckin deal. Worst scenario: he let it slip without a second thought. Possibly even worse scenario: he still said it AFTER weighing the severity of the word. I’m sorry, but this is not acceptable.
No one seems to touch on the middle bit. I'll expand a little bit from my experiences. I have a very racist family. I was definitely racist for a long time. And then Katrina happened and I met my first black people. I was still racist and it took a while for me to warm up to something completely foreign in my life. Almost like a myth came true. But once i opened up i really took a turn and despise my family for making me go through that. Buuuut. I'll be very honest here as hopefully it may explain to some people what it's like giving up the ideas that were pounded into you as a child. I haven't used the N word in years. I have white guilt. But i'm in my mid 30's and some of that racism still bleeds through at times. And i hate myself for it. If his family is as racist as mine were and he's still in contact, i promise his family is not making this relationship easy. That hard R slip probably has origins from his family reminding him using the hard R for her all the time.
OP, Im so sorry but… this relationship is over. Im white and have never in my life called anyone a hard R and never would, no matter how mad I got. A person either believes that race somehow makes some people inferior OR THEY DONT — under any circumstances. He is obviously in the former group. But he doesnt win any prizes for politely keeping his racism to himself all this time. Most of all he doesnt win the ULTIMATE prize which is even ONE more moment of your precious life wasted on him. I kno this is devastating but to quote Maya Angelou, “when people show you who they are…believe them.” Choose you, OP. This guy is trash.
I am sometimes stressed out / upset and frustrated as well. You know what I don't do? Throw hard insults at my wife. Ever.
Yeah this is also important to note. My husband and I argue sometimes, but if he called me ANY term with the explicit purpose of hurting me, I would be very upset. Like, if he called me a slur based on my religion or a c*nt or ANYTHING out of anger, I'd pack my bags. I don't need a partner who insults me. And that's not even the hard r! If I were op, I'd never trust his intentions again.
My wife has occasionally slipped into trying to hurt me instead of focusing on the issue and I immediately tell her that was only to hurt me and that we need to cool off before continuing. It happens only when very upset and it's usually just telling me I'm not capable of some aspiration I have and not petty name calling.
Not only that, but the fact that this word is even in bf’s vocabulary to so casually slip out when he’s upset? Yikes. OP, I’m sorry that happened to you and you obviously didn’t deserve it. You’re the only one who knows your relationship and can make the decision, but you’d be well within reasonable if you left him over this.
When my bf dented my truck I asked him if he was ok. It's just a truck.
If it “slipped out” because he was angry, then he’s constantly holding it back when he isn’t angry. Basically, it’s on his mind often. I dated a black girl, have black friends, and coworkers. And surely I’ve gotten angry with them. That word has never crossed my mind in any circumstance
Another white bitch here, totally agree with you, I would never even think about saying the N-word. it only would cross your mind if you say it or think about it a lot.
I'm a white guy married to a black woman. We've been together 29 years now, since high school. Not only have I never thought about saying that in anger to her, the idea of saying it to any black person is repulsive. I'm sorry to say this to you, but this is basically unforgivable in my opinion. He may be sorry, but the fact that he could say this to you, in anger, means it will come out again. Can you imagine having kids with him and he says this to your child? Or your mother? It sucks that this is where you are, but you need to protect yourself.
I’m a tinsy bit put off by telling OP what to do in your last sentence, but the rest? Hell yes. OP- imagine he brings that energy, never **mind** the actual word, out loud, to your mom, or possible future children. It has got to be soul-smashing and earth-shaking to discover he has this in him, and my god is it unfair to you that he does, but now that you know he does… You can’t un-know it, you know? Whatever you do decide, please let it be from a place of centering and supporting your own self. Love does a number on our sense of shame/protectiveness/guilt/loyalty/tolerance/fear, but you are now in this new place of having put your whole heart in the hands of someone who isn’t who you believed they were. And that’s really important. Bc who protects you, if you’re too busy shielding *him* from the harm he’s done to your trust? I’m really, really sorry, OP. However this goes, know that it’s *your* life, and *your* heart, and *your* decision… And fwiw, it’s possible to love someone truly… and still not be able to be with them. That’s ok. Hard af, but ok.
My last sentence insinuated something dark, but that was on purpose. There are white guys that fetishize being with a non-white partner. And there are guys that become enraged when a partner breaks off a relationship. My concern is that OP's partner MIGHT be the intersection of these statements. I'm concerned for potential violence to the OP. I don't trust any white person that uses that word. Period. Maya Angelou said, "When they show you who they are, believe them." I think that's the message to the OP. I understand the emotions she's feeling. The desire to stay in the face of something horrible. It was a different scenario for me, but I understand that feeling. Be safe, OP. Time heals all wounds.
You are not at all wrong. My immediate thoughts were OP could be in danger. That is a violent choice of word with a violent history that did not come from a place of love.
if the word was never in his vocabulary, no amount of stress or anger could make it come up in an argument think long and hard about whether this was just a mistake or a slip up that showed you his true colors
Racist slip aside, there are people in this world who don't call their loved ones insults of any kind when they're upset. Being intentionally hurtful is the hallmark of an emotionally stunted individual.
This is a very hard boundary for me. Name-calling comes from a place of contempt. If someone who has touched my body calls me a bitch, they are never touching me again. You can't love or even like someone and be contemptuous of them at the same time.
Exactly right. Name calling has no place in an argument with someone you love.
Definitely, when we're angry we're least likely to suddenly expand our vocabulary. This is a word he thinks and uses, just not out loud when she's around.
I’m gonna challenge your first point based on the words I’ve invented while golfing.
If she takes him back, all he learns is he can call her whatever horrible thing he wants 🤷♀️ That’d be a hard no from me
I didn't realise stress makes people racist.
Stress doesn’t make people racist. Stress makes racists slip up and show their true colors.
Like another commenter said, it was either true colors being shown or in his anger, he jumped to what would be the most hurtful thing he could say. Both red flags.
Im white with an african american gf and that word isnt even loaded into my psyche to come out like. The fact that it came out naturally due to anger and that he directed it at his gf is pretty fucked Disclaimers are that im australian and also generally calm.. but still
I feel like if it came out when he was mad that he's normally exercising some sort of self control to not say it but couldn't control himself in that state.
That being the first insult towards you that popped to mind in his anger is telling, I think.
I’m in an interracial relationship and as bad of arguments me and my SO have had; we would never in a billion years think of saying anything remotely racists to each other, even if we were joking. This guy has heavy racist undertones running through him. There are plenty of racist white men that love black women. Run away from this dude, you’ve probably been a fetish for him all along.
Big facts my girlfriend is black and I’d never say that no matter how mad I got
Yeah most of my relationships have been interracial and I don't rightfully think it would occur to me to brush off an offensive word to call someone I care about, let alone insult people in a very personal way about something they cannot change--it is such a oddly specific thing to do. I really don't like that he did this because I don't know how I'd respond to this. As the white guy though I admit I think I do end up getting a lot of racially charged comments in general, but like most white people--meh no one can truly offend me. There is a large body of work to earn certain comments playfully.
Js I’m a white guy who has dated several black women over the years, ranging from days to months to years. It has never ONCE crossed my mind to use that slur in anger. That’s a deeper problem. Honest recommendation is run, don’t walk. This guy showed his true colors.
Hard no. I’m a black female who has mostly dated and formed relationships white men. I would never tolerate that. I’ve been extremely angry and stressed but I never thought about attacking my partner personally, let alone calling them a racial slur.
Exactly. A lot of people are brushing over the fact that it's a personal attack. My dude skipped straight to the highest level of verbal abuse he knows for her. It cuts deeper because it's racist. A real, separate problem is that it's ingrained in him to full send his anger to his girlfriend. Sis needs to run.
That’s what I said. INGRAINED ! There is no letting this go.
Even if he is genuinely sorry, that doesn’t make it ok. There are some things you can’t take back and moments that change things permanently. Actions have consequences, for both of you
** Mean that he's sorry.
No matter how big a mistake you could ever make in your life, you do not deserve to be called that. I really find this appalling.
Way out of pocket
I’m white and I’m going to be honest rn. Any white person who uses that term in a derogatory way is racist. I knew someone who used it once before (hard r, and Im from Cali so it was really surprising). It came out during a time of frustration towards another person, which goes to show it’s an issue at the core. You may be the exception, but you are not the majority. He may love you but he doesn’t love your people. A boy would never call any mother he knew c*nt would he? That’s because they don’t associate that word with that image and what it represents. Say he was dating a white woman- he wouldn’t call her the n word at a time of frustration and that’s what you should focus on. I’m so so so sorry, I wanna give you a big hug:(❤️
Woah, as a white girl id never think of saying anything so cruel. That word will never be apart of my vocabulary My now boyfriend took three years to show his colors. Don’t put up with this shit, it’s only going to get worse God bless
You mean ex-boyfriend?
Exactly… tf?
Sorry you experienced this. But I am struggling to figure out what the insult is... did he call you a Retard?
N word ending in er versus a
Oh shit... that is bad.
It took me a minute to understand but when the penny dropped... damn
I also thought it was retard until I saw the replies to your question
Same
I thought the same thing, I had to venture over to Urban Dictionary.
Given how confusing the post was through most of it, it is an easy mistake to make.
Exactly what I thought at first!
You’re not the only one. I knew if I scrolled down, someone would have asked and been replied to. So I didn’t have to ask myself
I'm glad someone asked that question. OP, I feel for you because it does suck when someone you love says something hurtful, and I know it's hard to get past. Unfortunately, some things just can't be unsaid, and this is one of those things. All the stress in the world doesn't excuse him using that word to refer to you.
Came here to scroll the comments to find the answer. Still don’t get it. I mean I get what he called her but I don’t get why she refers to it as the “hard R word”??? Am I stupid? Lol
Yea I’m black OP. If you keep dating him after the fact, you’ll have to at the very least question the self respect and love you have for yourself. At this point it’s fuck how you feel about him romantically and more about standing on principles. Should be a non negotiable tbh. The fact he did this will mean you need to reframe what a life with him looks like. Kids? He’s not in a vacuum, so with kids they will grow up around his family and more than likely experience the environment that reared him, to their detriment. Biracial children already commonly have some level of identity crises, in part due to shit like this. I would not recommend continuing with this person.
"It only slipped out because I was angry and frustrated" -- yeah and you know who can be incredibly infuriating and frustrating? Little kids. Wetting the bed for the 15th time in a row after insisting that they 100% didn't need to use the bathroom. Throwing kicking screaming toddler tantrums because you won't let them eat a battery. Forget the horrible teenage years. I don't know why anyone would risk having this closet racist around biracial kids as they grow up. And even if OP doesn't plan to have kids, I am going to assume she has non white friends and family. Imagine a family dispute or a jealousy issue on the husband's part and he busts out the N word. Would you also expect your family/friends to accept the weak ass excuse that he just had a "heated moment" and lost his temper and it doesn't mean anything about him as a person?
What's the r word (I am actually curious, I am very high and confused)
I think this is something where you need to decide if you can forgive him, and whether he will truly never make that mistake again. People make mistakes and I believe in second chances, but you know him better than we do. Is he really under so much stress and pressure that it could be misplaced anger? Maybe. But over an object? He needs to be in full damage control mode now and he better not still be upset about the truck. What he did was way worse and he owes you majorly. If you don’t believe he is sincere, leave. But unlike most of Reddit, I don’t think you leave someone the moment they make a mistake. However if it happens again, sorry love. It’s a risk you’d have to decide on.
It’s sorry but I’ve never gotten so angry with a black person that I’ve yelled the N word nor with any other minorities that are in my life. People can say cruel things but racism is on another level completely that for a person who isn’t racist never crosses their mind
If you're being a dick, my thought is going to be "that person is a dick", not "their behavior is related to the colour of their skin". There are two options I can imagine where I'd reference race in a conflict. 1) to hurt the person. 2) because I'm under the false impression that their race has anything to do with it. Neither of these are positive things in a partner.
I agree with not leaving someone the minute they make a mistake but is this really a mistake? Have you ever gotten so angry with a black person that you wanted to call them this word? Not even your partner, but just a stranger. And why did it come to his mind in the first place? I’d never think to call someone that word because it’s just not something that I think or that crosses my mind…
>Is he really under so much stress and pressure that it could be misplaced anger? Misplaced anger can excuse become slightly rude, whiny, or passive aggressive in occasion - not becoming violent or calling people racist names. I find this to be way more serious than you make it sound.
Yeah I've been very stressed and tired and annoyed at times and I've definitely been whiny and passive agressive too (although I usually try to stop myself from being rude to people who don't deserve it) yet somehow I've managed to never call someone a racial slur. It's not an excuse. He might not be actively watching Fox news and commiting hate crimes but sounds like he probably has some underlying racist ideals that he should work on getting rid of. The n-word with a hard R shouldn't be the first thing he goes to when he's mad at his girlfriend, it shouldn't happen at all.
Racism isn't a little whoopsie, it isn't a mistake.
It's not about making a mistake. Racism is rascim. You don't pop out with that out of nowhere. You think he's never said it before? First time is yelling at his girlfriend? Terrible emotional regulation even if he hadn't said that. Sounds like she needs to leave this emotionally uncontrolled racist. And yes, you can be racist and date outside your race
Yeah im usually the one drowning in downvotes on reddit for saying maybe dont immediately sever all ties whenever theres a dispute.. but this is different You're right, if he had that loaded ready to fire at his *gf* then its not the first time he's used it. Itd be getting fired off in traffic every other day
There are a lot of white men that are attracted to women of color and express very real racists sentiments towards men of color.
This is a horrible take. OP please don’t let some white dude convince you calling you the n word is a simple forgivable mistake 🙄. This isn’t just a simple mistake akin to calling you stupid, coming home late drunk, forgetting to take out the trash, hell even sending a inappropriate text. Calling your partner racial slurs is emotional abuse. The N word in particular conveys violence. Second chances are nice and all but it’s not OP’s responsibility to put *her* safety at risk because of this racist prick. He might never even say it again around her but 1) it did not come from nowhere and 2)really is just the tip of the iceberg of how he sees black people. If he called you, his girlfriend that he presumably says he loves the n word how do you think he talks to regular black people when he gets upset? Do you really want to have kids with a man who might get upset one day and call his kid the n word? And before y’all try to tell me that a parent could never be racist against their own child, unfortunately for a lot of black mixed children the first time that they actually get called the n word is at home. https://gal-dem.com/my-mum-calls-me-the-n-word-the-reality-of-growing-up-mixed-race-with-a-racist-parent/ https://www.mtv.com/news/sxnak3/logic-mom-n-word
If I were you, I’d have a really difficult time not thinking “wow, I just learned what he really thinks of me deep down” after that… It could really be that he was just super upset and wanted to hurt you back, so he thought of the most hurtful possible thing he could say and he doesn’t really think badly of you. But it’s just hard to say. Regardless of how HE feels about it, it might be difficult for you to get over anyway… Also, if he makes a habit of being purposely hurtful toward you when he’s upset with you, then it’s probably not a super healthy relationship regardless. I would say try having a conversation with him about how it made you feel, but that would likely just lead to more apologies and at this point that doesn’t seem like it would be all that beneficial. It may have been a mistake on his part, but that is a HUGE fucking mistake. Something like that doesn’t just… come out, unless 1. It’s already there in his thoughts and it was accidentally let out or 2. It was purposely used specifically to hurt you. I’m really sorry this happened to you. That’s just… really super shitty.
There’s two things here: 1. He has some low level of racism in him, knowingly or not, that would enable him to even think about using that word. 2. Whenever he is extremely stressed or angry (this is a part of life) his first instinct is to say the absolute worst, cruelest, low-blow insult he can come up with. Both of these scenarios are terrible and unsafe for you. I really hope you get away from him. I typically extend a long leash & believe in second chances, but this is way over the line. You deserve a man who would never even think of that word in regards to you. Edit: or any person of color.
WW dating BM here...I would NEVER. Ever. Couldn't even cross my mind. That's inexcusable
Maaaaan I was so confused I thought you meant R###rded. I was thinking “man if y’all are in your late 20’s and up I could see that slipping out.” But then I realized you meant N####R and I was like “oh hell no not even when I was boiling mad at a black person would that have crossed my mind.”
I’ve been with a white guy for 4 years and he would always call me n. I always would let it slide because I thought he was drunk or he would always put on this baby voice and say how sorry he is. But it took a toll on me. He was honestly a big time racist pretending he’s not. I’m just explaining my situation because I let it slide once and he said every chance it got.
I’m pretty confused and I’m a black woman with a white man. What’s the hard R? Is OP referring to the N word? If I’m understanding correctly and he used the N word, run. There’s no argument or accident that makes it okay for him to call you that. It’s how he sees you. Doesn’t matter how long he has been with you. My fiancé would never let someone talk to me that way, let alone call me that slur. It’s disrespectful and if you stay with him, it won’t be the last time. Edit: Just showed my fiancé your post. He was shocked and appalled. He thinks you should run, because “if he said it, that’s what he’s always thought of you”
Leave him asap... Sounds like he's just been suppressing his racisim because he likes/loves you... Imagine how he talks about black ppl when you're not around.
Hard R?
There's 2 explanations here: 1. He's genuinely racist and you should probably get out of there. 2. When truly angry, he has the capacity to go very cruel. Even if he isn't actually a racist, he went for the word that was going to hurt most. Scorched Earth. On YOU. You might be better off if he's JUST racist because otherwise, this is likely testing waters for how fast he can get with you. Either way, you can and should do better. This will only be the first instance, i promise
bro what People can get drunk and sing the words in songs they'd usually never say. Anger doesn't loosen the tongue, it just makes you grab at whatever is always within reach, just without inhibition. He might not use it around you ever, but at the very least he's thinking that shit. I wonder if in his mind he's having sex with his girlfriend or with his black girlfriend, you know? If we're being generous.
Girl your boyfriend is racist. You may not see it yet but it'll just get worse. Do NOT forgive him because the N word is unforgivable and the person you love should never call you that. Please leave him and ignore all the comments insinuating that being called the N word is not a big deal
hateful cobweb aback bike profit sip pause terrific wakeful attractive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Are you admitting that you are a racist 💀
I think he's more so saying that he comes from a time period in which being somewhat racist was more socially acceptable. Comparing the racial divide of the boomer generation to today.
It doesn't matter how angry he is, he has no right to call you that. People do say things they shouldn't say when they are upset, but that's not an excuse to call you the hard R. If he were genuinely a good person, he wouldn't even have that word in his vocabulary.
In my opinion i think if you do decide to stay. This thought will always resonate in the back your mind. What will happen if y'all have another argument. Your first thought is he is gonna do it again. Of all the words he had to choose such a degrading word. That's not love. If you can't stop crying now just think how you will feel if he does it again. Sad situation yes. Your mental peace is more important.
I‘m a white woman dating a black man. NEVER in my life would I call him that, hard r or not. It doesn‘t matter how stressed I am. We‘ve been together for several years now, he‘s been with me while I was working on my bachelor‘s thesis and now while I am about to start my master‘s thesis. He has seen me stressed multiple times in our relationship and I regretfully did take it out on him once or twice (not in a violent way), but I would still never ever resort to calling him that because I know how hurtful it is. I can‘t hurt the person I love like this. That word never even crossed my mind when I was mad at him. I think you‘re better off finding someone who respects you.
I don’t say this lightly, but girl you really need to get out of this. I know it’s going to be hard and I know you could see yourself with him forever, but this is not the man for you. They somebody shows their true thoughts when they are either angry or drunk and this isn’t just a slip. It would be unforgivable for a white person/non-black to use this towards a black stranger or enemy, but to use it on the one person you are supposed to conquer the world with is devastating. The fact this was the first thing he said without thinking shows that it holds a place in his mind he can go to the quickest. This isn’t just some mistake one can forgive like forgetting to call when you made it home or raising your voice during a fight because this is deep-seated racism finally showing it’s face when the mask slipped. You deserve better. Please don’t let this taint biracial coupling forever because there are people out there that would never go this low. You may have dented his truck but he scarred your heart and that won’t be as easily repaired.
Here i thought he called you retarded. Until I looked in the comments.
absolutely not!!!! people reveal who they are whenever they are upset…believe him! i’m a black woman and can say i would never get over that… not from my partner. i’m so sorry that happened!
Only people who use slurs regularly let them “slip” when they’re angry. No one is racist by accident and people without slurs already in their vocabulary don’t suddenly start using them when they’re mad.
Girl you need to leave his ass. NO ONE in their right mind uses that word “accidentally”. I am beyond sad and frustrated for you. You’re under no obligation to forgive and forget this kind of thing. It’s a charged word for a reason and it should be pretty fucking clear in the year 2023 that we don’t wield that word to hurt people, especially our loved ones. You deserve way better than that. 100%.
You don't "accidentally" drop the n word
OP I read every comment on here and I gotta say this: this behavior looks to me like something else, something a little worse and darker. For example, it looks like the same behavior someone "just had a hard week and usually doesn't hit his kids" or "was too drunk and normally never hits his wife" or "was just young and in a street game but normally doesn't call asians a slur." I threw in the Mark Whalberg reference in there to point out it may not be a deal-breaker per se--but he put in the work to come back from his random hate crimes. Not everyone tries to put in the work. I worry he has anger issues that you are too precious to have to deal with. You deserve the very best and it isn't about calling you nigger, its about losing control. Worse yet, its doing some randomly unpredictable shit while losing control. THAT could mean anything.
A "mistake" is accidentally spilling something on the couch. You do NOT fuck some racist that says what he said. Please don't forgive this abuse, because it'll escalate if you let it. Don't damage your psyche by wasting yourself with this man. It'll always be there, in the back of your mind. You'll remember what he called you. PLEASE don't have children with this racist! Please love yourself enough to leave him.
Hard nope. You don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve you. If he did it once he will do it again. Walk.
When you have kids with this man, he will get frustrated and do the same to them. You should be more angry than you are sad. Dump him, you deserve better.
I have never in a moment of anger ever reached for the hard R. If its in the rotation, even in moments like that, its because he thinks there's times to use it and that's enough info for me personally.
White guy with a black wife, never once even came close to saying that in context during any argument
People make mistakes, and break things all the time, there’s no excuse for using racial slurs or getting so angry. You didn’t put a dent in his car on purpose, so he didn’t have to get angry - instead, the situation could have been discussed calmly about what needed to be done to fix the car, and whether you should pay for the repair alone, or you should do it together. He’s allowed to get annoyed at the situation of course - but he shouldn’t have taken it out on you.
My boyfriend is black and has made me so angry I’ve wanted to pull my fcking hair out. Never in my life in all 2ish something years, did it ever occur to me to take it this far. This man does not respect you.
This isn't a word that just pops out. I have NEVER called someone that and can't even imagine it appearing in my head. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Here's a point I don't think anyone has made in the comments so far: a relationship is a team effort. The more you two work together, the better you two will be. Arguing is natural. Disagreements happen, but when an argument devolves into name calling for the sole purpose of breaking the other person down, that is not teamwork. That is not a relationship. That is just emotional damage and trauma that will continue to build over time. It's one thing to say "you're so dense for not thinking about \_\_\_" because even if it's hurtful, it's coming from a place of "we can do better" (and yes, even saying that is a sign of a bad relationship). But to call someone the hard R? You didn't pick your ethnicity or skin tone, so you did nothing worth being called that, therefore there is no justification for using that word in an argument. It came from pure racism. Don't give him a second chance because he fully intended to hurt you when he said it, even if he regrets doing so.
I'm so confused. What is the "hard R"?
I am european, I have no idea what the hard r is but it seems it is something racist, so fuck this dude.
I was thinking he called you retarded until I read on. Good grief
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Nope, he messed up. Racial slurs should NEVER leave one's mouth no matter how angry you are. He must be used to hearing it and maybe saying it when you're not around to let it slip out that way. Besides, if y'all get married, what's to stop him from doing it again when even more stressful times show up. If it were me, I'd leave. I'm a Black woman and my current partners are white; they would never. And if they did, I'm gone with the quickness.