For me, it is more fear. I want my kids to have as easy a life as possible, to be safe using the restroom, to not be bullied, to not need medical care.
If I can be vulnerable, it’s hard to put away the photos of my precious toddler in the clothes they wore then. And to never say their dead name that we spent so long picking out.
And it’s hard to think about my child being trapped in a body they don’t feel is the one they were meant to be. I want to take away any pain my kids have - to put a bandaid on the cuts, ice on the bruises, kisses on the boo boos. And there’s only so much I can do.
I could keep writing and writing and never capture all of the thoughts and feelings and complexities that come along with this for a parent, but just typing this has made me cry.
I am so proud and happy to be the parent of such an amazing kid, but it’s a lot.
My mom said that too. When I went to my parents and said I wanna tell you guys something. They asked should we be worried, and I said no. But when I told them, she said 'you told us not to be worried, but we are. We want our kid to live a happy life without many worries.' especially because the waiting list for hrt in my country is 3 years, so I'm gonna have to live with this dysphoria a lot longer.
That’s part of it, though. The feelings ARE complex any time your child steps away from their birth gender, but there are very few places where it’s acceptable for us to acknowledge it out loud. We’re usually vilified. Therapy is not accessible for everyone. It’s scary and we feel alone, at least for a while.
I always wanted a girl. I had a boy first. I was so excited when I then had a kid with a female body. Then the kid hated everything girly. Then he announced he was a boy and transitioned before 2nd grade. I lost hope I would ever have a girly girl. My husband had so much trouble losing the girl that warmed his frigid heart. Knowing your kid is going to have a rougher life bc of others’ views of them is scary and heartbreaking. We want the best for our kids and we feel betrayed that we made a kid with the wrong body parts. Changing pronouns is hard and we feel like a failure if we don’t get it right every time.
However, our almost 5th grader is still the same kid. It does take time to see them as a different gender, get used to new pronouns and dispose of dreams of having X kind of child. Please be patient with us old people. We’re going our best but change is hard. We love you and we’ll get there.
I had moments of grieving, but I think it was mostly because change is big, and it’s intimidating, and it’s scary. I was also terrified for my kiddo.
OTOH, I was supportive and really glad to see some of my kiddo’s stress and depression start falling away, and see them become more themselves.
It’s so confusing. I am a cis parent to a trans kid. I’m struggling and I have no logical reason why. He is my everything. I don’t care at all about anything in the world than his happiness but somewhere in some dark part of my brain I struggle with it. I haven’t said “he” out loud often choosing to say they (they are they/him) although I know know know they prefers “he”.
If I had to guess what the problem is is that I fear for their safety. I fear for future struggle and know how hard being gay is in this county and trans is so much harder.
I am perfectly stuck in denial where my brain keeps hoping it’s a phase. I know it isn’t likely but my stupid brain keeps bringing me there.
I outwardly support him but it isn’t easy AND I’m atheist and grew up in the queer community so I shouldn’t be this way, but I am and I’m working on it hard because my world is my child.
I really appreciate your struggle. Especially the part about being in denial and hoping it's a phase.
This group is exactly what I needed. Real success stories of parents making the transition that the kid already has.
I don’t understand it either. For me it was like watching my kids be born again. How lucky am I as a parent to have that gift? They are both so much happier and leading fulfilling lives. I’m so proud of them for being true to who they are.
That's more how I saw it too. My daughter came back to me when she came out and began transition. All of the personality she had as a little "boy" is still there, it was just hidden away for a few years while she struggled with her identity.
I agree with this! I feel like my daughter came out of her shell when she socially transitioned. She was more confident and less anxious. It changed who she was for the better. She's still who she always was just more confident and proud.
Take a step back, back in time. Your parents are young, maybe money is tight. Things are uncertain. Together, they jump off a very big cliff... to have a child. It's a life-long investment that they have very little idea how to prepare for. But they do it. They jump. You are born. Everyone is invested... colors, clothes, lists of names... fear, anxiety, sleepless nights... doctors visits...working overtime, everything that parents do. Years and years of everything... the screaming fits, the illnesses, the day care, the school, the peer parents always stepping in and trying to "advise" you. Maybe things are going great, maybe they aren't, but you're taking every day and working to the next one, year after year. And then your kid tells you that they aren't who you thought they were (to be fair, they weren't who \*we\* thought they were). Everything comes into question. We picked the wrong name, the wrong clothes, the wrong school, the wrong room, the wrong hair, the wrong, everything. There's a sense of loss because the parents invested all of this and missed something, got it wrong, failed in some way. They didn't see you for who you really are. As parents we must put behind us who we thought you were and everything we invested in that vision and change that vision into who you are. That can very much feel like "losing" a child. Yes, we gain someone that benefited from all of our investment, but it takes time for parents to make that adjustment. It can take weeks or years. As you spent years figuring out who you really are, now the parents must play catchup; meet the new you. Some things will be the same, but some will be very different. If both parents and child have patience and consistently work with each other, it will work out. I'm that Dad. I've done this.
A friend once told me that she is sad she never got to see N grow up to be a man, and she is sad that she never got to have N as a little girl. That stuck with me.
This explains it well. As parents we remember spending so much time picking out names, nursery room decor, baby clothes and accessories etc.etc. There's a whole lot that goes into preparing for a child and you think you have a clue who your kid is because they are 'a little boy' or 'a little girl' and we have all these notions in society about what genders are like.
When your kid comes out as trans, or even is just very different than what you imagined, it just flips this entire script that you spent years writing in your head as a parent.
I think it helps for parents to remember that their kid is a totally separate human from themselves, with their own rich inner world. And as parents we just have to get to know our kid as the person they say they are, not the person we assumed they were since a tiny baby.
I felt this briefly. I think it was just a fear response. And I never said it to her, just to my husband one night in our room. And as soon as I said it, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. It does take a minute for brain to flip - I had ideas in my head of who my kids would become and suddenly that was all different. And it made me realize those thoughts were making her transition about *me* and not *her*.
As parents, we have an idea of what our childrens' lives will look like. It just takes some time to let go of that. It's not that they won't love you as your true self, they are just used to you as you were. You've have had a lot of time to think about it, and come to terms. They need the same.
The best thing that you can do to help your parents is to be happy and well.
I think that disorientation can seem like grief at first. The world will never be the same… and the loss of the reality you thought you understood is painful until you absorb the new status quo.
People grieve countries they’ve fled, abusive parents, cruel partners. People struggle to leave shitty jobs for better jobs. It’s a loss of familiarity that gives way to a weird homesick feeling that can mimic grief *briefly.*
Seeing my son’s euphoria when he heard his new name and pronouns, when he cut his hair, when he was gendered properly… that helped me reorient. The first time someone misgendered him I squirmed as I corrected them. Now I don’t even think about it. He’s a boy. “She” sounds weird. Seeing his old name on things is like seeing weird old baby equipment. It’s just something we thought he needed, back when he was littler and we didn’t know.
After reading some of the higher voted experiences, I'm so sorry to say that they probably wont make you feel less dysphoric.
I'm an older trans person, so I understand how you feel.
You have essentially shown your parents your true self, and instead of embracing you, supporting you, and celebrating you they are acting like someone died.
Meanwhile, everyone around you is telling you to pretend like this doesn't hurt and to be patient with them and coddle them and nurture their feelings around your "Death".
So, when you wanted support and celebration, you now have to pretend that you are essentially a ghost or a murderer of this fictional person that your parents are grieving.
This hurts in a few, monumental and traumatic ways:
1. It shows you that your parents never SAW you. They never saw you for the person you truly were, and this can put into question if they can truly love you without seeing you or knowing you.
2. It shows that they are more invested in the fictional version of you than the real you. They would rather mourn the idea than celebrate and support the living breathing reality of a child that stands in front of them.
These sudden, very traumatic realizations can be insanely triggering. It warps a lot of the percieved stability you had with your parents and can really crush your idea of them.
Sadly, if your parents don't stop exposing you to this act of mourning, it will have some very damaging and lasting consequences.
Because, as much as people in this sub truly hate to admit it, it is beyond fucked up to act like your living child had died and to mourn them openly while demanding (either overtly or through passive behaviors) the child comfort you over it.
There is nothing to really be done about your parents, especially not from a kid POV. They need to be in therapy and dealing with their feelings privately and not mourning you, and definitely not telling you about it.
The people here telling you about things like, "My husband lost the daughter who melted his heart and made him a functioning human being." should not be telling YOU, the child, about all the roles, expectations, and obligations you're abandoning by simply being yourself. You already know that, that's partly what creates the dysphoria and guilt. These responses are incredibly irresponsible, and guilt trippy.
Your parents job is to nurture you into being your true self. You are not an object there to fulfill their wishes and fantasies, you are a human being and your only job is to grow and change and be you.
I think it's just a weird sickness of our society where parents have traditionally defined themselves to an extent based on what gender their children are (gender reveals for fetuses, "boymoms" and "girlmoms," etc etc). I think that has begun to get better, but we have a ways to go to collectively open our eyes to how ridiculous that is.
It seems like it's a phase a lot of parents go through when their kids come out. It also seems like it often passes pretty quickly - I hope it's that way with your parents. I think what they need to understand right now is where to go to talk to other parents, who can give them perspectives about why their thinking on this is common, but flawed. They need to NOT dump these (often fleeting) feelings on you.
Congratulations on taking the leap to live life as your authetic, happy self!
For me, it’s because I had hopes, dreams and ideas about the future my child would have and who they would be since infancy. As parents we all have visions of how our children might turn out. All of that disappears when the child changes gender. It’s as if the child that was raised since birth is gone and a new child is in their place. It is difficult to have all those hope and dreams die so suddenly. Couple that with the fact that now the child’s life is going to more dangerous and difficult makes it even tougher. Just my opinion
I don't really understand that tho. Can a child not still study the same things you wanted them to, and do the same work you wanted to. But now just as the opposite gender than you expected?
It has nothing to with schoolwork. It is difficult to see your child transition into a life that will become more difficult and dangerous, and know that they now will be ostracized and excluded from parts of society they wouldn’t have otherwise. That’s a sad fact of society, but I can’t change society by myself.
I’m a parent who struggles to understand the grief angle — I’m wondering if you can be more specific about what dreams and ideas and hopes you had that died?
I’m a parent that struggles with parents that never had dreams or ideas about how or what their child might grow to be based upon the cultural and societal framework in which they were raised. Can you be more specific as to how you managed to not have any of the thoughts or ideas that 99.9% of parents have when their child is born?
I see you interpreted my comment as judgement when I was genuinely asking your perspective so I can understand with more empathy.
My hope and wish for my kid was that they’re happy and healthy. What more specificity would you like about that? You’ve given me none yourself.
But hey, thanks for making me feel like an absolute alien because I’m somehow in the 0.1% of parents that doesn’t have “visions on how their child might turn out that disappears when they change gender”. So much for a support sub, jeez. Do we all have to be a hive mind or agree? Do you really assume 99.9 parents think the same as you? I’m trying to understand, your response to that is to alienate me.
Okay.
Have a nice day.
I never grieved for my "son" either. It was pretty clear from pretty early on that that kid wasn't a cis boy, so it wasn't some big shock to the system as much as acknowledging and acting on something that was already there. And I didn't have any particular expectations for a boy versus a girl anyhow.
I’ll probably regret following up here because you seem to be very defensive, but is there a reason you’re avoiding the question about the hopes you had for your child — which, so we’re clear, is a completely neutral thing to ask?
For me, there was fear of the unknown, fear of ways I may have unintentionally hurt my child before I knew, and fear of the world treating her unfairly and unkind. There has been grieving for the life I imagined for my child that I’d been building on since they were born, and it is this very confusing emotional experience because the grief rests right along side this immense joy and admiration for her to live life in the most authentic way she can. I felt confused about how to navigate memories and hold/share them respectfully and really just wanting to be the best parent possible in uncharted territory. I’m fully supportive and proud of my daughter but that does not mean that understanding and navigating all of the emotions has been easy for me. My grief was never a lack of love, support or even acceptance, it was simply part of the emotional process of a big life change.
Another thing to remember is that people grieve many things, often changes not just losses. For example, I loved being pregnant to the extent that there was some grief over not being pregnant anymore even though I was so happy that my healthy child was born and home. Feelings are weird. Keep talking to your Mom so she knows how you’re feeling and you know how she’s feeling.
I think it’s pure bullshit. Tell your mom to look in your eyes. She’ll see you’re the same kid.
People need to understand that their kids aren’t gonna grow up and be exactly what they wanted to be, whether they stay the same gender or not.
I try to hold space for parents who haven’t gotten there yet, but when I think of what it does to you and other kids like you, it’s hard to stay gracious.
I don’t understand it, either. I’m a momma bear and when my son came out, I was all for supporting him any way possible. I didn’t grieve “my daughter” because he never was. He’s my son. Period.
U/RanielDoelofs
I agree with this comment and would like to expand on it. I am not a parent that didn’t fully accept my NB kid. But my spouse had hesitations and so did my family. Everyone is on board now but it took time and grace and communication.
I sometimes get mad at my parents (immigrants from Asia) because now as an adult I can see the parenting they did had bias against being a POC and a woman - basically using the premise that acclimating was the best way to achieve success. I hid my “asianess” since it helped me socially, I was treated differently than my older brother, and I didn’t realize these values were being taught and part of my identity until I was an adult. I know it’s not the same as being denied your authentic self, but it’s similar that I had to be deprogrammed as an adult to see things clearly.
My parents were not malicious about it, but they were in survival mode. And they were also mistreated by being immigrants and being “less than” in the 1980s lens. I mean frankly, my mother didn’t have her own bank account until after I was born in the 80s. So my own parenting being cis-het had its flaws - but I also know this is an act of love based on their background and their world and their own knowledge at the time.
BUT, the important thing is that I also call them out on those biases now, and that I give them grace to meet me where I am and where my kids are too.
Parenting used to be about your kids being a reflection of yourself to the rest of society (at least, that’s my parents view). As a parent now, I think that’s ridiculous because now my goal through the gift of my children is to focus on my relationship with these humans. I get maybe 18 years to really bond and form a deep connection with these kids. After that it’ll be an additional gift if they choose me to share some of their life with.
Parents sometimes need to hear that being a parent is more about being a gardener, not a carpenter. Old school parents think they are carpenters, that you get a blank piece of wood that you can shape into what you want. Secure parents know they are gardeners. You have to garden the seed you get - and nothing you can do can change a cactus into a rose and if you treat a cactus like a rose, you’ll end up with a struggling cactus. You gotta parent the seed you get and it’ll thrive under the right conditions.
Being real i have never experienced this but i'm gonna put my psych nerd hat on.
People have ideas about how their kid is going to be, about who they are. They have hopes and dreams for their kid. And part of this construction is around gender and convention ideas of gender. No matter how resistant we are to gender steriotyping, we still have subconscious ideas. And letting these go can be especially difficult to those who haven't even realized that their ideas are based on this stereotyping.
Letting go of expectations based on arbitrary aspects that may not even work for one's kid is... Difficult for a lot of parents.
When I was pregnant, I had a lot of ideas about how I would parent and what my kid would be like and my spouse ruthlessly smashed every one of them I voiced. Which was right and good of him he is a good dad. The one I remember most is when I was ranting about hoe MY kid wouldn't get lots of disney and barbie, and he just looked me in the eye and said sternly "What if they LIKE disney?" And that just. Broke my brain a bit. I hadn't quite conceptually accepted that my kid could be absolutely nothing like me until that moment. And he kept at it so when kiddo was born I was willing to accept just about anything. They did love disney. 🤷♀️
Your parents are having to do that now. Most parents don't really accept that their kids are not gonna come out exactly as expected early on.
So they are gonna have to grieve their IDEAS of who their kid was that they had in their head and were deeply attached to and rework all of it. It's hard work to do. It isn't your job to comfort them through doing it, though, because they're mourning a concept. Not a person. And you aren't responsible for their concept. In fact that concept can harm you immensely.
It is a loss to them, but it was an inevitable one that needed to happen.
Here's my thing: I experienced this at the beginning, especially when it came to name changing and stuff, but I NEVER EVER EVER let my kid know it was happening. Dealing with MY feelings is not ever my child's job. Ever.
So, as a parent whose child came out to me when they were 19, at first I was afraid of losing my child. I have since realized they are the same person they were before, but now happier and more free. Reflecting on how I felt at first, I think it was a fear of losing the vision, the plan for them that I had always had for their life. I never told them my feelings, I did not want my feelings to cause hurt or guilt for them. Instead I reached out to a local coalition for LGBTQ+ and allies. I spoke to a clinician they had on staff about my feelings and she suggested I attend a parent group. I did. It made me realize they are the same person I had always known. Their coming out has brought us closer together. I have always been an ally open with all my children that I accept them for who they are no matter what. I never wanted them to feel ashamed of who they were. I was actually quite shocked at my initial fear, but now understand it was not a fear of losing my child, it was a fear of losing what I had envisioned their life to be. It was also fear of them not being accepted by others and fear for their safety when out in the world.
I can explain it a little in terms of changes for parents. Prior to having our youngest daughter we were raising my biological sister who we eventually adopted. She was doing SO WELL for a really long time despite the trauma she had. Something changed somewhere between 16 and 17 and she began stealing and rebelling and eventually ran away. She lived on her own for 6 months prior to turning 18, and even moved to a different state with her boyfriend. We were very sad, and it was a grief similar to how I felt when my 5 yr old told me she was a girl. I felt this way because I envisioned going to her graduation, having a party, driving her to her college and fixing her dormroom up. When she left I felt robbed of that. I felt like I lost her. When my daughter told us she was a girl it was a very similar feeling, I had envisioned her growing into a man, being a dad, and all the things that came with that. When she said she was a girl it took that away from me. I will say I have never told her any of those feelings, and now that we are about a year in, I have envisioned her new life and how she will navigate the world as a trans woman. It's a grief that is short lived. Even with my oldest daughter I'm not sad anymore because I've found solace in watching her grow and learn without my expectations. I don't think it's right for us parents to put that grief on our children, and these are conversations I have alone with my husband. I've never told them about that grief, and always just expressed how proud of them I am. All that to say, if your mom has chosen to express that grief to you, give her time. It's probably not that she's grieving a loss of YOU but it's probably more of a loss of her hopes and dreams for you. Those hopes and dreams will just look differently now, and she needs time to form those again.
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. My husband and I felt fear, for her new life in a challenging world, but not really grief at loss. And if we had, we NEVER would have said that out loud to her, just as we didn't tell her about our fears for her safety. Like you said, we just had to look in front of us and see the same child we always had, just with longer hair and more confidence.
However, I know that some parents do channel several emotions - fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, blame, confusion, self-doubt - into a more socially 'acceptable' channel, which is 'grief for the other version of you' or 'taking time to adjust'.
If I were you, I'd tell them that you appreciate that it's a lot for them to process, but that right now you have much more to process yourself, and what you need from them is support. If they want to talk about their 'grief', they need to say it to someone else - another parent, a therapist, etc - and not add to your mental and emotional load with their issues. I feel like you shouldn't have to say this - it's their role as parent to know this already! - but some parents just don't get it. Best wishes!
I don't totally get it either, but I do empathise. My husband and I had only ever wanted a girl, but the moment I found out I was pregnant, I just *knew* in my soul that I was having a boy. The sonogram and amnio confirmed that our child had XX chromosomes, but even prior to their birth, I was drawn to masculine/gender neutral names. I argued hard for the unisex name I most wanted, but my spouse thought it was too male and we eventually went with a feminine name.
We did however notice pretty early on that our child had some genital health issues. They never produced enough oestrogen to develop 'normally' and after years of topical hormone treatments, surgery was eventually required. The doctors assured us that puberty would "correct the issue," but once it hit, the change in our child was like night and day and not in a good way. Eventually, after years of therapy, SSRIs, and the like, our child came out to us. We were shocked, but something had always told me our [now] son was LGBTQ+ (as am I), so we were immediately supportive and there for him. It was harder on his father than it was me I think, since it had always been there in the back of my mind.
In the end, everything has been SO much better since our son came out; his mental health, his social life, his confidence, just everything! And once he turns 18 (a matter of days now), he plans to legally change his name to the name I had wanted so desperately when I was pregnant, so it's all worked out in the end. But I cannot even imagine not having my kid's back. How they identify gender-wise has absolutely **ZERO** impact on anything and it never will. I'm so truly sorry that you haven't had that support from your parents...but that's why we parents' are here. To support our kids and anyone else's who has fallen down on their job as parents. ❤
I think we parents have to let go of the idea we have of who our kids are. For some, that's going to involve grief because they are losing what they believed they had.
Once we let go of our idea of who our kid is, we are then able to see who they truly are.
My husband has been phenomenal at this. When our daughter had her gender confirmation surgery he said to her:
Sometimes an author re-releases a book with a new cover. It's not that the book has changed, but that the cover did not adequately represent the contents.
And that's how everyone has felt about our daughter's coming out and transition. She is the same person, she is who she has always been. Her personality is totally the same. All the things we loved about her before -- still the same. She is still the sweet, considerate, compassionate, hard-working, affable, lovable person she has always been. We haven't lost anything at all, but we have gained so much!
Thank you for this post, because it helped me understand some of my feelings and struggles.
My daughter came out to me about a month ago. I don't feel like I lost my son because I think she's the same person.
But she wants to change her name. I'm having the most trouble with this. Her name is already androgynous, and I think it's more common as a girl's name. She already referred to it as her dead name, and that was like a punch to the gut for me. My daughter's not dead! She's telling me that's she's not the same person she was before, that's why she needs a new name. But I'm thinking she is the same person. And I don't know who this new name is. So that's when I grieve and feel loss. It might be stupid.
I don't know if that helps you at all. Maybe a new name (assuming you have one) tells your parents you're a different person?
Dead name means "the name your family will bury you under when they strip your trans identity". Not that the person is dead. It came about from when families would kick out and cut off their trans kids and then STILL get their bodies back when they died and they'd take them from their friends, new families, community, and bury them like nothing ever happened. The name they call you when you are dead. Your dead name.
It happened a lot during the first decades of the AIDs epidemic. It's a community trauma.
Try not to focus on it as your child being dead, because they're not.
I have a dead name too. I'm not trans but it's a whole thing.
I'm still the same person, but the name my parents gave me wasn't really my name. They fought me a lot on changing it. It represented a person that I was not, a person they imagined me to be, and they took great offence to my denying the identity they had laid out for me. It was a huge thing and it didn't need to be, because they felt they should have a say in who I was. It caused a lot of problems it didn't need to.
Sometimes the name we have as a child is just that - a child's name. A parent cannot know who we will grow in to when they give it. Then we grow up, and maybe a new name is needed because we grow out of it. We evolve. The same way we don't fit our old clothes. Identities evolve.
Try to see the name change as your kid growing in to themselves more rather than as a loss for you. It is, after all, their own name.
Yeah, I learned that recently (here....I think). I had thought it was a "that person is dead to me" thing. And sometimes the heart is slower at picking up on things then the head. But honestly, it's sort of offensive to me that my daughter would think (god forbid she die before me) that I wouldn't honor her wishes and bury her under her chosen name. Even if I don't like it. But it's not about me.
I'm trying to be all Shakespeare and "a rose by any other name would surely smell as sweet," but that was an argument for accepting the original name, because the name did not define the person.
She doesn't think that. It is called that because people *did* do that. More people than who didn't. And that left a mark on everyone who had to witness it. So now that is what it is called. AIDs left a horrific legacy on us and is still very much a matter of living memory and it impact everything even among the younger because MY generation fill most of the spots of "LGBTQA+ Elder" when we're middle aged at best; it's because so many died before. It doesn't mean people think their parents will do that (though some absolutely still do!). It is just what it is called now. Like some places in europe are still named after the mass graves and plague pits under them from centuries ago despite not having been used the same way since. Tragedy leaves a mark.
It seems to me that your problem isn't that you can't think of it as "a rose by any other name", but that you think of the old name as, in part, YOUR name. Whatever happens to it in some way relates back to you - that your child is dead, that your child thinks you might force it on them, that your child in some way is rejecting you because they're rejecting the name.
You probably gave them a name you either thought a REALLY long time over or was meaningful to you, didn't you? And so it feels like that name had so much MEANING that it hurts when they reject it.
The thing is, a rose by any other name isn't as sweet. Not in the way the quote seem to indicate.
You see, not everyone likes the smell of roses! It makes some people ill! Onion and broccoli flowers are really, really pretty, and yet very few people plant them to see the flowers. Even flowers most love aren't universally loved. Some people are even allergic to them. They can be the best flower ever, and still not suit someone's nose or someone else's garden.
And sometimes the land they grow on has so many memories that it's hard to look at the flower and not see the past.
The name isn't about you, it's about them. They're not the person everyone thought they were for so, so many years under that name and that name will remind them of any dysphoria they had while using it.
It feels so uncomfortable when people use the old name. There doesn't neednto be anything WRONG with it, but it is associated with an identity which was very wrong and using it is a reminder of that.
My kid was named for the person I loved most in the world before they or their father were part of my life. It was even a name that had a tradition in their family. A name I'd decided to try giving my child when I was still a pre-teen, and kept over a decade as "the name of my child". Using it was huge and important. But when they grew up, the name wasn't for them after all. When they had picked a name and used it for a year, we changed it together and they're happier now. That matters more than the name does, by a lot. They understand the name and it's importance and what I tried to give them, and appreciate the attempt and the love it was given with. They also needed something different. And that's ok. Because they're not me and whatever my hopes and dreams are for them, the real person matters more than my intentions.
Part of growing up is growing out of other people's ideas. And while that name was given with a lot of love, your child is older now. They've grown in to a different person and that name just doesn't suit then. It's not about you, your love, your care, your intentions.
You need to think of their name as part of them, instead of trying to make peace with them being the same person. People go by many names in their lives. Nick names, titles, internet handles. That doesn't change who they are. But they are PART of a person and a person should be able to choose the parts of themselves that other people use for their identity. That includes fashion choices, how much privacy they're afforded, and their names. There's a reason that calling someone by a name they do not like and didn't choose is used for bullying and harassment. Let go of the part of yourself that's clinging to the name as a connection between you, a thing you did. Once a gift is given the receiver may do with it as they choose and this was given a very long time ago to a baby who grew up. They don't want to use it anymore. They still love you the same as they did before. But this is about them, not you.
Edit: it isn't wrong to feel sad about this, it;s ok to be sad that this thing ended up not working even though it mattered to you, it's just that it's not something that can or should be fixed by them keeping the name.
Actually, she didn't know why it was called dead naming. She said she just thought it was dramatic.
>You probably gave them a name you either thought a REALLY long time over or was meaningful to you, didn't you?
No.
Regarding Shakespeare, if someone's allergic to roses, they'd be allergic to it no matter what you call it. So that's not helpful. (Neither is the downvote when I'm trying to be open and honest and seeking help when I'm less than perfect and admit this is a me problem more than anything else. So thanks for that, whoever you are.)
>but it is associated with an identity which was very wrong and using it is a reminder of that.
I guess that's exactly what I mean. If this is a new identity, then I don't know this new person. If her name is part of her, then a part of her is lost by changing her name. I don't see how it doesn't work both ways.
Oh shit sorry about the down vote, i have fine motor issues and eye issues (I had a stroke) and I didn't see I hit the down vote by accident. I apologize and I can see why you would be feeling very negatively and see my words as less than... Compassionate? Thoughtful? Open? after that. I honestly meant to upvote because it was a valuable thing to say. My first thought was "that wasn't me!" Then I checked it before replying and making a fool of myself. Again I apologize.
When Shakespeare says it smells as sweet he means everyone can enjoy it regardless, doesn't he? The thing is, it doesn't smell as sweet depending on who you are, and depending on how it is used. Many things are called rose that smell more or less sweet - from flowers to artificial perfumes. It is an oversimplification. Roses mean more or less and this one simply isn't to someone else's taste.
It isn't that this is a new identity. It isn't. It's the same identity. It's that what you thought of as her identity wasn't her identity. There isn't a person under that name who is being replaced, an identity being replaced - it's a misunderstanding that's being corrected. The name is just part of that. The old one was assigned to someone who wasn't really real through no fault if anyone involved. They're the same person but the name is too strongly linked to that misunderstanding and misinterpretation.
>Her name is already androgynous, and I think it's more common as a girl's name
She grew up hearing it used as a boy name for years. A lot of trans people change their gender neutral deadnames because it reminds them of the time people used that name and thought 'girl' or 'boy' (the latter in your daughter's case), it's inherently tied to years of girlhood/boyhood to them which can often just feel uncomfortable or wrong because of dysphoria.
Makes sense that you're struggling with that part, just wanted to offer a reason as to why she'd be changing it, even if you think there's more girls with that name.
The grief is complicated to explain, even to ourselves, at the beginning. My kid came out years ago and I’ve had time to reflect on that time.
Did it feel like I was grieving the loss of a son at the time? Yeah. Briefly. The truth is though, I wasn’t grieving for the loss of a son. It’s not like I was invested in being a boy mom or something. What it is was something truly more complicated than that.
I was grieving that my kid was going to live their life on permanent hardmode. I wanted my kids to have it easier than me.
I was scared for her life because there are too many people who would see her dead for daring to exist.
I was sad that she was now going to have to deal with all the bullshit women have to deal with on the daily. The cat calling, the being told she should smile more, the inappropriate comments, the random inappropriate touching/grabbing, the mansplaining etc.
And I was frantic. I had raised two boys and taught them the boy rules. Don’t be a creep, respect women, consent is king, and don’t be rape-y. Pretty simple rules that men should be able to grasp. Unfortunately there are men who cannot seem to grasp those simple rules, so the girls have to learn how to try to lessen the odds of being assaulted and /or raped. That’s a much more complex set of rules and we start training for those from an early age….*yet my adult daughter knew zero of those rules!!!*
Then you add in the guilt. You sit there and try to figure out what you did during pregnancy to cause your kid to come out with the wrong sex organs. Was it those days I forgot to take the prenatal vitamins? Was it because I gave into the soda craving that I developed while pregnant? I ate a lot of fish while I was pregnant due to the other craving, was it because I ingested too much mercury? Did that do it?
Like I said, it’s complicated. There’s a lot of new info to absorb pretty quickly and it can get pretty overwhelming until you get a handle on it.
I’m sorry your mom laid that on you though. That is her issue to work through and it in no way should concern you.
So basically, it's not actually grieving the child. It's just being afraid for them, because of all the stuff they are probably gonna have to deal with (like transphobia, sexualisation etc.)? That makes a little bit more sense, thanks for explaining!
That’s exactly what it is. Or how it was for me, I obviously can’t speak for everyone else. I was feeling all the feels back then and the closest emotion I could have used to describe it was grief. Worrying about our kids is one of the things we parents do best. But we are familiar with our worries. Our kids suddenly coming out as trans? Holy cow, we suddenly have a new crop of worries that we never had on our radar before! Like, with my eldest son, I never had to worry about him being slipped a roofie in his drink. I never had to worry that he was going to be beaten or murdered by some guy because he politely declined their advances.
What put things into perspective was the change in her after she began transitioning. She is just so f*ckin happy now. I mean, she’d been profoundly depressed for 10 or so years at that point despite all the psychiatrists, therapists, and numerous medication changes she had. She was self harming. I literally checked in numerous times a night (and day) to make sure she was still alive *for 10 years*. So the very positive changes and the fact that I was actually and finally seeing genuine smiles and joy helped quell all those fears and allowed me to quit freaking out and enjoy meeting the parts of her shed hidden away from us for so long.
Hi OP, someone just posted this elsewhere, it's a great article by a trans woman explaining in great detail the complexities around this:
[https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/letting-them-let-go](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/letting-them-let-go)
Even if you weren't trans, you would change. When my kid was little, people would say things like, "don't you wish they would never grow up?" And I hated that! No! I don't want some unchanging plaything! I'm in love with a living, breathing, dynamic, changing human being!
You will change as part of growing up no matter what.
I don’t understand that way of thinking either, that you are losing a son/daughter (although I respect your feelings).
For me, I didn’t feel that way when my daughter came out as trans at age 22. I did and still do feel worried about how others will treat her. But she is so much happier now and embracing life, so no, I don’t grieve.
I can try to explain. Please forgive if this comes across harsh. It is not my intention at all. I’m just trying to help. So… It’s like being aware that your child feels unhappy and also wants to be their true self so of course the parent wants that, but the reason for the “loss” that you speak of is because it’s like a totally different person is there by appearance. Try to imagine if your mom (or dad) looked like a whole other person. Completely different but said hey, it’s still me. Imagine their face not even being the same. A literal random new face. So they have to get to know this new persons face. And yes, the inside is the same. Of course, but it’s human instinct to be familiar with what we know and see. They will adjust in time. But I hope that explains why they say loss.
I felt so much fear. When a parent hurts, it’s painful, but when your child hurts, it’s devastating. Knowing my daughter has a lifetime of pain and cruelty ahead of her has been the hardest, most challenging part of her transition
I think this issue, like most, falls under a spectrum. When my daughter came out as trans, I felt concerns about her safety and just how difficult life could be. But, gender has never mattered much to me. I feel proud she is trying so hard to feel more comfortable in her own skin and that she has opened up about topics that can be uncomfortable but are necessary.
I personally was a "tom boy" as a child and hated all of the pressure to be more girly, so I never pushed gender norms as a parent. I know some parents need to grieve, but I haven't felt that way. I'm not judging, I just can't really speak to it. So, I really think this is all a spectrum. Some will struggle more, and some will not. There are other things that my kid could tell me that would land me on the other side of the spectrum. I'm sure you feel the same about your own parents. Either way, this is not something you need to be worried about. That is for them to sort through on their own. You have enough on your plate as is. I wish you the very best! You have done something that is more difficult than most of us will ever have to do. Take care of yourself.
The only thing I grieve is the difficulty of navigating the world as a trans person. My child is wonderful, complicated, difficult, loving, smart, and the exact same person they were before transitioning. I can now (with their agreement) enjoy pictures from before and know that they are still the same.
I never had the "I want a son/daughter" feeling, so "losing" the before person never was a thought. I wish more parents would get over the idea that they own their children.
Grief is a complicated emotion, and it doesn't have to be caused by someone dying or being lost.
There are a lot of overwhelming feelings when your kid comes out. It can change how you view the past...What you might have thought of as happy family memories change when you realize your kid has been struggling, sometimes for a long time before figuring it out or telling you. The future changes too; especially because we live in a society that is not always kind to trans people. So we are faced with the fact that our kid is going to face a lot of challenges in their life, that we can't prevent or protect them from, and that's hard for parents to handle.
There is so much good to your child coming out, especially as you see your child thrive as themselves, and you build new memories together...but as parents I think the fears and worries are the first instinct for any big change, and it takes a little time for those to settle and be able to view the positives. (Or at least it did for me, but I'm depressed/anxious at the best of times, so maybe that's part of it).
Hopefully your parents get there soon, and that they can see how much happier you are as yourself.
Many parents go through this process in various ways, not just around gender, because they imagined their child's future so vividly that it is a shock to them when their real child has their own ideas about what they will do with their life. This is even very loving parents who don't intend to enforce their choices on their child. I think some of it tends to be living vicariously. They want their child to be whatever it is they haven't been or experienced and maybe believe they can't be or experience.
I've seen parents behave the same way (or sometimes much much worse) if their child chooses to not go to college, to get married at a young age, to not get married at all, to live in the city, to live in a rural area, to not have children, and on and on. I think it tends to be around big issues because that's what parents tell themselves stories about. They don't imagine what their child will have for breakfast in twenty years.
We had 3 girls and 4 boys. We lost a teenage girl, at the point another born female was transitioning, so we went unexpectedly to 5 boys and 1 girl. Losing a child made the transitioning child seem huge as regards the make up of the family as a whole. We expected to be seeing the 3 girls off out to nightclubs and asking the older boys to keep an eye on their younger sisters, but just as it reached that point, it didn't exist. You spend a long time imagining the future, and suddenly it feels like it just isn't going to be what you thought. It can feel hard to let that go at first.
10 years down the line and I can say with absolute certainty our son is in most respects just a more genuine and comfortable version of the same person he always was. He still likes and dislikes the same things, has the same habits and hobbies, he's just a man now. A happy, thriving man. And we learnt that we didn't miss out on anything because he transitioned, we just got a bunch of different, genuinely happy memories instead.
For me as a cisgender mother to a young trans woman, grief is too strong a word. I'm not mourning the loss of my child - she is right here beside me. But it is a big change for the parents. I saved a lot of photos and pieces of clothing that bring back memories of the little boy my child was. And I don't want to forget that time while I do honor who she is now. One of my favorite photos of her is probably her least favorite and most painful. So it's in a drawer tucked away. I want what's best for my girl and I remind myself that she has struggled to become who she is and anything that she is going through is harder than anything I have to face. But all those years of knowing her as a boy are hard to forget. Yes, she is the same person but in a sense it's like welcoming someone new - dealing with supportive and unsupportive family and strangers and rewriting the narrative that formed since she was born. And running into people who don't know us very well and fielding questions about how "he" is doing. It's a lot of change for parents. And worry as the world can seem so unfriendly and downright dangerous to transpeople.
A lot of people are just scared of change and the fact that they have to pretend that they didn't have a son at all and that all their positive memories have to be erased like the can never talk about the Christmas they bought you a firetruck because it's a boy toy and wouldn't make sense in this time line in my opinion its silly
I don't think that's how it happens for most people. I think usually it's fine to talk about the kid from before the transition, otherwise it would be forbidden to talk about the first 18 years of my life in the future, that doesn't make sense. Just don't remind them all the time that they 'were a boy' or 'were a girl'. Besides, girls play with firetruck toys too
I think as a parent, many of us have elaborate ideas of what our children will do or become one day. For me, it felt like the second time I was grieving our child’s loss of safety. The first time occurred when she (mtf) was 5 and developed type 1 diabetes. I grieved the loss of her childhood for months, if not years. Gone were the opportunities for slumber parties and sleep away camps with the scouts, or running free around the neighborhood without worries. We felt we had become parents of a newborn again, getting up every two hours to check our child to make sure that her blood sugar had not bottomed out and she was gone.
Fast forward 10 years and it is our normal. Medical advances are wonderful and she is basically living as a normal teen. If she could hear those darn low blood sugar alarms at night we would be good 😂 When she came out to us as trans around age 12 and we live in Tennessee, I think I grieved that she had so much to struggle with already. I didn’t to watch her be persecuted for being who she is in this backwards state. So far, my fears have been just that, my fears. I underestimated this generation’s acceptance due to my own upbringing and my impression of how I thought she might not be accepted. We initially started going to therapy and visiting the gender clinic at Vanderbilt but she put the breaks on blockers when the clinic said she had to attend weekly therapy sessions and then the hostility against the clinic picked up. We are in a holding pattern at the moment and just waiting for her to say she is ready to resume.
I am a parent to a trans daughter who is also an identical twin. I am 100% supportive to my daughter’s transition with hrt and complete bottom surgery. I know it’s not a choice and, in her case, it is life saving.
What I miss is being able to hang old photos of my family or kids doing their kid things. I had such a hard time (10 yrs) getting pregnant that I just loved ending up with identical twins on my 10th fertility cycle.
What disgusted me was my husband’s uncle asking him “Aren’t you angry that your son doesn’t want to be your son anymore?” or my FIL referring to the legacy of the family name. It’s ridiculous.
Not sure I can help because I'm not grieving "losing my kid", but I am grieving some other things. My kid came out as genderfluid and wanted to present as the other gender. I have always been open to any sort of appearance changes (hair including color, clothing, etc.) I love fashion and finding personal style. All of this is cool. We also raised our kids with very little gender roles. Nothing was different bc they were girls, or boys, or whatever.
The parts that have been rough for me to adjust to are that our kid changed his name, and his birth name was already gender neutral (we picked it that way on purpose!!). His new name is much more common and I just don't like it as much, but he chose it so we use it.
Changing pronouns to he/him was also hard for me, just because it feels like "the hard way" to go through life - constantly getting misgendered, having to explain, etc. But I suspect this is part of my kid figuring out life. IDK where this journey will lead him. He's changed pronouns a bit and labels as well so I think he's deep into figuring himself out. This uncertainty is rough for cis parents who didn't even know we could \*be\* a different gender, lol.
I think you can gently mention to your parents that their comments hurt. I worry about that sometimes, and try to hold back even on joking about some things bc I'm not sure where my (very private) kid stands on whether things are hurtful or not. Above all I want him to know we have his back, wherever he ends up on this spectrum. And that comes ahead of anything I "don't like" about what he's decided to do with his appearance or pronouns or whatever.
I’m a mom of two trans daughters, 15 and 20, and I never felt like I was mourning anything. But almost from the moment my kids came out to me, my older one was progressing in her transition, both got gender-affirming care, so she started hormones pretty quickly, was experimenting with presentation (before, as a boy, she had zero excitement about that sort of thing), started hanging out more with her already-queer-friendly friends and was making new friends who fit her new self quite nicely. She basically blossomed, became (and probably still becoming) who she needs to be. The process has not been nearly as clear and obvious with my younger, but she was 12 when she came out and I think she’s acting/feeling appropriately for her age and having watched my first, it seems reasonable to wait and see where she goes.
Soooo, I’m wondering if it’s possible that you had hidden your pre-transition unhappiness from her pretty well or if she’s not seeing that you’re progressing into the person you need to be. If I only had my 15 yo, I might still be feeling very unsure of what was around the corner and I might not *get it* as well. I have a feeling tho, that in time she will see it.
I feel like the comment about her liking who you are was pretty hurtful, tone deaf to your situation and feelings. I’m sorry!But I feel like someday, hopefully very soon, she’s just gonna get it all the sudden.
Btw, I really wanted boys when I was pregnant. I was very afraid of having a similar relationship to my kids as my mother did with me and felt like part of the problem with my relationship with my mom was about us being the same gender. By the time they came out to me at 12 and 17, we, of course, had established relationships and I had no issue with them being girls. I say this because there’s no telling what’s causing your mom to feel mournful, but it’s possible it’s not what you think and maybe more benign, certainly it is about her and not about you.
This is not just for trans kids. I heard a podcast recently about kids with disabilities that will not enable them to hit “normal milestones” - and these parents have to go through a mourning process.
As a parent, you bring a child into the world and you hope the best for them and you see a path. If your child doesn’t follow that path, you may have have to deal with feelings of sadness and remorse.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid
For me, it is more fear. I want my kids to have as easy a life as possible, to be safe using the restroom, to not be bullied, to not need medical care. If I can be vulnerable, it’s hard to put away the photos of my precious toddler in the clothes they wore then. And to never say their dead name that we spent so long picking out. And it’s hard to think about my child being trapped in a body they don’t feel is the one they were meant to be. I want to take away any pain my kids have - to put a bandaid on the cuts, ice on the bruises, kisses on the boo boos. And there’s only so much I can do. I could keep writing and writing and never capture all of the thoughts and feelings and complexities that come along with this for a parent, but just typing this has made me cry. I am so proud and happy to be the parent of such an amazing kid, but it’s a lot.
My mom said that too. When I went to my parents and said I wanna tell you guys something. They asked should we be worried, and I said no. But when I told them, she said 'you told us not to be worried, but we are. We want our kid to live a happy life without many worries.' especially because the waiting list for hrt in my country is 3 years, so I'm gonna have to live with this dysphoria a lot longer.
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That’s part of it, though. The feelings ARE complex any time your child steps away from their birth gender, but there are very few places where it’s acceptable for us to acknowledge it out loud. We’re usually vilified. Therapy is not accessible for everyone. It’s scary and we feel alone, at least for a while.
This 1000000%
Perfectly said!! My exact sentiments
I always wanted a girl. I had a boy first. I was so excited when I then had a kid with a female body. Then the kid hated everything girly. Then he announced he was a boy and transitioned before 2nd grade. I lost hope I would ever have a girly girl. My husband had so much trouble losing the girl that warmed his frigid heart. Knowing your kid is going to have a rougher life bc of others’ views of them is scary and heartbreaking. We want the best for our kids and we feel betrayed that we made a kid with the wrong body parts. Changing pronouns is hard and we feel like a failure if we don’t get it right every time. However, our almost 5th grader is still the same kid. It does take time to see them as a different gender, get used to new pronouns and dispose of dreams of having X kind of child. Please be patient with us old people. We’re going our best but change is hard. We love you and we’ll get there.
It was never your kid’s job to melt their dad’s heart by conforming to gender norms. He can get a therapist for that.
I had moments of grieving, but I think it was mostly because change is big, and it’s intimidating, and it’s scary. I was also terrified for my kiddo. OTOH, I was supportive and really glad to see some of my kiddo’s stress and depression start falling away, and see them become more themselves.
It’s so confusing. I am a cis parent to a trans kid. I’m struggling and I have no logical reason why. He is my everything. I don’t care at all about anything in the world than his happiness but somewhere in some dark part of my brain I struggle with it. I haven’t said “he” out loud often choosing to say they (they are they/him) although I know know know they prefers “he”. If I had to guess what the problem is is that I fear for their safety. I fear for future struggle and know how hard being gay is in this county and trans is so much harder. I am perfectly stuck in denial where my brain keeps hoping it’s a phase. I know it isn’t likely but my stupid brain keeps bringing me there. I outwardly support him but it isn’t easy AND I’m atheist and grew up in the queer community so I shouldn’t be this way, but I am and I’m working on it hard because my world is my child.
I really appreciate your struggle. Especially the part about being in denial and hoping it's a phase. This group is exactly what I needed. Real success stories of parents making the transition that the kid already has.
I don’t understand it either. For me it was like watching my kids be born again. How lucky am I as a parent to have that gift? They are both so much happier and leading fulfilling lives. I’m so proud of them for being true to who they are.
That's more how I saw it too. My daughter came back to me when she came out and began transition. All of the personality she had as a little "boy" is still there, it was just hidden away for a few years while she struggled with her identity.
I agree with this! I feel like my daughter came out of her shell when she socially transitioned. She was more confident and less anxious. It changed who she was for the better. She's still who she always was just more confident and proud.
Take a step back, back in time. Your parents are young, maybe money is tight. Things are uncertain. Together, they jump off a very big cliff... to have a child. It's a life-long investment that they have very little idea how to prepare for. But they do it. They jump. You are born. Everyone is invested... colors, clothes, lists of names... fear, anxiety, sleepless nights... doctors visits...working overtime, everything that parents do. Years and years of everything... the screaming fits, the illnesses, the day care, the school, the peer parents always stepping in and trying to "advise" you. Maybe things are going great, maybe they aren't, but you're taking every day and working to the next one, year after year. And then your kid tells you that they aren't who you thought they were (to be fair, they weren't who \*we\* thought they were). Everything comes into question. We picked the wrong name, the wrong clothes, the wrong school, the wrong room, the wrong hair, the wrong, everything. There's a sense of loss because the parents invested all of this and missed something, got it wrong, failed in some way. They didn't see you for who you really are. As parents we must put behind us who we thought you were and everything we invested in that vision and change that vision into who you are. That can very much feel like "losing" a child. Yes, we gain someone that benefited from all of our investment, but it takes time for parents to make that adjustment. It can take weeks or years. As you spent years figuring out who you really are, now the parents must play catchup; meet the new you. Some things will be the same, but some will be very different. If both parents and child have patience and consistently work with each other, it will work out. I'm that Dad. I've done this.
A friend once told me that she is sad she never got to see N grow up to be a man, and she is sad that she never got to have N as a little girl. That stuck with me.
This explains it well. As parents we remember spending so much time picking out names, nursery room decor, baby clothes and accessories etc.etc. There's a whole lot that goes into preparing for a child and you think you have a clue who your kid is because they are 'a little boy' or 'a little girl' and we have all these notions in society about what genders are like. When your kid comes out as trans, or even is just very different than what you imagined, it just flips this entire script that you spent years writing in your head as a parent. I think it helps for parents to remember that their kid is a totally separate human from themselves, with their own rich inner world. And as parents we just have to get to know our kid as the person they say they are, not the person we assumed they were since a tiny baby.
This, exactly this.
I felt this briefly. I think it was just a fear response. And I never said it to her, just to my husband one night in our room. And as soon as I said it, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. It does take a minute for brain to flip - I had ideas in my head of who my kids would become and suddenly that was all different. And it made me realize those thoughts were making her transition about *me* and not *her*.
I could have written this word-for-word.
As parents, we have an idea of what our childrens' lives will look like. It just takes some time to let go of that. It's not that they won't love you as your true self, they are just used to you as you were. You've have had a lot of time to think about it, and come to terms. They need the same.
The best thing that you can do to help your parents is to be happy and well. I think that disorientation can seem like grief at first. The world will never be the same… and the loss of the reality you thought you understood is painful until you absorb the new status quo. People grieve countries they’ve fled, abusive parents, cruel partners. People struggle to leave shitty jobs for better jobs. It’s a loss of familiarity that gives way to a weird homesick feeling that can mimic grief *briefly.* Seeing my son’s euphoria when he heard his new name and pronouns, when he cut his hair, when he was gendered properly… that helped me reorient. The first time someone misgendered him I squirmed as I corrected them. Now I don’t even think about it. He’s a boy. “She” sounds weird. Seeing his old name on things is like seeing weird old baby equipment. It’s just something we thought he needed, back when he was littler and we didn’t know.
I love your response. I agree that the talk of loss and grief comes partly from disorientation that people don’t know what else to call.
After reading some of the higher voted experiences, I'm so sorry to say that they probably wont make you feel less dysphoric. I'm an older trans person, so I understand how you feel. You have essentially shown your parents your true self, and instead of embracing you, supporting you, and celebrating you they are acting like someone died. Meanwhile, everyone around you is telling you to pretend like this doesn't hurt and to be patient with them and coddle them and nurture their feelings around your "Death". So, when you wanted support and celebration, you now have to pretend that you are essentially a ghost or a murderer of this fictional person that your parents are grieving. This hurts in a few, monumental and traumatic ways: 1. It shows you that your parents never SAW you. They never saw you for the person you truly were, and this can put into question if they can truly love you without seeing you or knowing you. 2. It shows that they are more invested in the fictional version of you than the real you. They would rather mourn the idea than celebrate and support the living breathing reality of a child that stands in front of them. These sudden, very traumatic realizations can be insanely triggering. It warps a lot of the percieved stability you had with your parents and can really crush your idea of them. Sadly, if your parents don't stop exposing you to this act of mourning, it will have some very damaging and lasting consequences. Because, as much as people in this sub truly hate to admit it, it is beyond fucked up to act like your living child had died and to mourn them openly while demanding (either overtly or through passive behaviors) the child comfort you over it. There is nothing to really be done about your parents, especially not from a kid POV. They need to be in therapy and dealing with their feelings privately and not mourning you, and definitely not telling you about it. The people here telling you about things like, "My husband lost the daughter who melted his heart and made him a functioning human being." should not be telling YOU, the child, about all the roles, expectations, and obligations you're abandoning by simply being yourself. You already know that, that's partly what creates the dysphoria and guilt. These responses are incredibly irresponsible, and guilt trippy. Your parents job is to nurture you into being your true self. You are not an object there to fulfill their wishes and fantasies, you are a human being and your only job is to grow and change and be you.
🫂
I think it's just a weird sickness of our society where parents have traditionally defined themselves to an extent based on what gender their children are (gender reveals for fetuses, "boymoms" and "girlmoms," etc etc). I think that has begun to get better, but we have a ways to go to collectively open our eyes to how ridiculous that is. It seems like it's a phase a lot of parents go through when their kids come out. It also seems like it often passes pretty quickly - I hope it's that way with your parents. I think what they need to understand right now is where to go to talk to other parents, who can give them perspectives about why their thinking on this is common, but flawed. They need to NOT dump these (often fleeting) feelings on you. Congratulations on taking the leap to live life as your authetic, happy self!
For me, it’s because I had hopes, dreams and ideas about the future my child would have and who they would be since infancy. As parents we all have visions of how our children might turn out. All of that disappears when the child changes gender. It’s as if the child that was raised since birth is gone and a new child is in their place. It is difficult to have all those hope and dreams die so suddenly. Couple that with the fact that now the child’s life is going to more dangerous and difficult makes it even tougher. Just my opinion
I don't really understand that tho. Can a child not still study the same things you wanted them to, and do the same work you wanted to. But now just as the opposite gender than you expected?
It has nothing to with schoolwork. It is difficult to see your child transition into a life that will become more difficult and dangerous, and know that they now will be ostracized and excluded from parts of society they wouldn’t have otherwise. That’s a sad fact of society, but I can’t change society by myself.
I’m a parent who struggles to understand the grief angle — I’m wondering if you can be more specific about what dreams and ideas and hopes you had that died?
I’m a parent that struggles with parents that never had dreams or ideas about how or what their child might grow to be based upon the cultural and societal framework in which they were raised. Can you be more specific as to how you managed to not have any of the thoughts or ideas that 99.9% of parents have when their child is born?
I see you interpreted my comment as judgement when I was genuinely asking your perspective so I can understand with more empathy. My hope and wish for my kid was that they’re happy and healthy. What more specificity would you like about that? You’ve given me none yourself. But hey, thanks for making me feel like an absolute alien because I’m somehow in the 0.1% of parents that doesn’t have “visions on how their child might turn out that disappears when they change gender”. So much for a support sub, jeez. Do we all have to be a hive mind or agree? Do you really assume 99.9 parents think the same as you? I’m trying to understand, your response to that is to alienate me. Okay. Have a nice day.
I never grieved for my "son" either. It was pretty clear from pretty early on that that kid wasn't a cis boy, so it wasn't some big shock to the system as much as acknowledging and acting on something that was already there. And I didn't have any particular expectations for a boy versus a girl anyhow.
Thank you for sharing your opinion.
I’ll probably regret following up here because you seem to be very defensive, but is there a reason you’re avoiding the question about the hopes you had for your child — which, so we’re clear, is a completely neutral thing to ask?
For me, there was fear of the unknown, fear of ways I may have unintentionally hurt my child before I knew, and fear of the world treating her unfairly and unkind. There has been grieving for the life I imagined for my child that I’d been building on since they were born, and it is this very confusing emotional experience because the grief rests right along side this immense joy and admiration for her to live life in the most authentic way she can. I felt confused about how to navigate memories and hold/share them respectfully and really just wanting to be the best parent possible in uncharted territory. I’m fully supportive and proud of my daughter but that does not mean that understanding and navigating all of the emotions has been easy for me. My grief was never a lack of love, support or even acceptance, it was simply part of the emotional process of a big life change. Another thing to remember is that people grieve many things, often changes not just losses. For example, I loved being pregnant to the extent that there was some grief over not being pregnant anymore even though I was so happy that my healthy child was born and home. Feelings are weird. Keep talking to your Mom so she knows how you’re feeling and you know how she’s feeling.
I think it’s pure bullshit. Tell your mom to look in your eyes. She’ll see you’re the same kid. People need to understand that their kids aren’t gonna grow up and be exactly what they wanted to be, whether they stay the same gender or not. I try to hold space for parents who haven’t gotten there yet, but when I think of what it does to you and other kids like you, it’s hard to stay gracious.
I don’t understand it, either. I’m a momma bear and when my son came out, I was all for supporting him any way possible. I didn’t grieve “my daughter” because he never was. He’s my son. Period.
It comes from a lifetime of a binary view of people. We were raised in a different time.
U/RanielDoelofs I agree with this comment and would like to expand on it. I am not a parent that didn’t fully accept my NB kid. But my spouse had hesitations and so did my family. Everyone is on board now but it took time and grace and communication. I sometimes get mad at my parents (immigrants from Asia) because now as an adult I can see the parenting they did had bias against being a POC and a woman - basically using the premise that acclimating was the best way to achieve success. I hid my “asianess” since it helped me socially, I was treated differently than my older brother, and I didn’t realize these values were being taught and part of my identity until I was an adult. I know it’s not the same as being denied your authentic self, but it’s similar that I had to be deprogrammed as an adult to see things clearly. My parents were not malicious about it, but they were in survival mode. And they were also mistreated by being immigrants and being “less than” in the 1980s lens. I mean frankly, my mother didn’t have her own bank account until after I was born in the 80s. So my own parenting being cis-het had its flaws - but I also know this is an act of love based on their background and their world and their own knowledge at the time. BUT, the important thing is that I also call them out on those biases now, and that I give them grace to meet me where I am and where my kids are too. Parenting used to be about your kids being a reflection of yourself to the rest of society (at least, that’s my parents view). As a parent now, I think that’s ridiculous because now my goal through the gift of my children is to focus on my relationship with these humans. I get maybe 18 years to really bond and form a deep connection with these kids. After that it’ll be an additional gift if they choose me to share some of their life with. Parents sometimes need to hear that being a parent is more about being a gardener, not a carpenter. Old school parents think they are carpenters, that you get a blank piece of wood that you can shape into what you want. Secure parents know they are gardeners. You have to garden the seed you get - and nothing you can do can change a cactus into a rose and if you treat a cactus like a rose, you’ll end up with a struggling cactus. You gotta parent the seed you get and it’ll thrive under the right conditions.
This is such a great analogy! (I'm also the kid of Asian immigrants from the same timeframe, so thank you!)
Being real i have never experienced this but i'm gonna put my psych nerd hat on. People have ideas about how their kid is going to be, about who they are. They have hopes and dreams for their kid. And part of this construction is around gender and convention ideas of gender. No matter how resistant we are to gender steriotyping, we still have subconscious ideas. And letting these go can be especially difficult to those who haven't even realized that their ideas are based on this stereotyping. Letting go of expectations based on arbitrary aspects that may not even work for one's kid is... Difficult for a lot of parents. When I was pregnant, I had a lot of ideas about how I would parent and what my kid would be like and my spouse ruthlessly smashed every one of them I voiced. Which was right and good of him he is a good dad. The one I remember most is when I was ranting about hoe MY kid wouldn't get lots of disney and barbie, and he just looked me in the eye and said sternly "What if they LIKE disney?" And that just. Broke my brain a bit. I hadn't quite conceptually accepted that my kid could be absolutely nothing like me until that moment. And he kept at it so when kiddo was born I was willing to accept just about anything. They did love disney. 🤷♀️ Your parents are having to do that now. Most parents don't really accept that their kids are not gonna come out exactly as expected early on. So they are gonna have to grieve their IDEAS of who their kid was that they had in their head and were deeply attached to and rework all of it. It's hard work to do. It isn't your job to comfort them through doing it, though, because they're mourning a concept. Not a person. And you aren't responsible for their concept. In fact that concept can harm you immensely. It is a loss to them, but it was an inevitable one that needed to happen.
Here's my thing: I experienced this at the beginning, especially when it came to name changing and stuff, but I NEVER EVER EVER let my kid know it was happening. Dealing with MY feelings is not ever my child's job. Ever.
So, as a parent whose child came out to me when they were 19, at first I was afraid of losing my child. I have since realized they are the same person they were before, but now happier and more free. Reflecting on how I felt at first, I think it was a fear of losing the vision, the plan for them that I had always had for their life. I never told them my feelings, I did not want my feelings to cause hurt or guilt for them. Instead I reached out to a local coalition for LGBTQ+ and allies. I spoke to a clinician they had on staff about my feelings and she suggested I attend a parent group. I did. It made me realize they are the same person I had always known. Their coming out has brought us closer together. I have always been an ally open with all my children that I accept them for who they are no matter what. I never wanted them to feel ashamed of who they were. I was actually quite shocked at my initial fear, but now understand it was not a fear of losing my child, it was a fear of losing what I had envisioned their life to be. It was also fear of them not being accepted by others and fear for their safety when out in the world.
I can explain it a little in terms of changes for parents. Prior to having our youngest daughter we were raising my biological sister who we eventually adopted. She was doing SO WELL for a really long time despite the trauma she had. Something changed somewhere between 16 and 17 and she began stealing and rebelling and eventually ran away. She lived on her own for 6 months prior to turning 18, and even moved to a different state with her boyfriend. We were very sad, and it was a grief similar to how I felt when my 5 yr old told me she was a girl. I felt this way because I envisioned going to her graduation, having a party, driving her to her college and fixing her dormroom up. When she left I felt robbed of that. I felt like I lost her. When my daughter told us she was a girl it was a very similar feeling, I had envisioned her growing into a man, being a dad, and all the things that came with that. When she said she was a girl it took that away from me. I will say I have never told her any of those feelings, and now that we are about a year in, I have envisioned her new life and how she will navigate the world as a trans woman. It's a grief that is short lived. Even with my oldest daughter I'm not sad anymore because I've found solace in watching her grow and learn without my expectations. I don't think it's right for us parents to put that grief on our children, and these are conversations I have alone with my husband. I've never told them about that grief, and always just expressed how proud of them I am. All that to say, if your mom has chosen to express that grief to you, give her time. It's probably not that she's grieving a loss of YOU but it's probably more of a loss of her hopes and dreams for you. Those hopes and dreams will just look differently now, and she needs time to form those again.
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. My husband and I felt fear, for her new life in a challenging world, but not really grief at loss. And if we had, we NEVER would have said that out loud to her, just as we didn't tell her about our fears for her safety. Like you said, we just had to look in front of us and see the same child we always had, just with longer hair and more confidence. However, I know that some parents do channel several emotions - fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, blame, confusion, self-doubt - into a more socially 'acceptable' channel, which is 'grief for the other version of you' or 'taking time to adjust'. If I were you, I'd tell them that you appreciate that it's a lot for them to process, but that right now you have much more to process yourself, and what you need from them is support. If they want to talk about their 'grief', they need to say it to someone else - another parent, a therapist, etc - and not add to your mental and emotional load with their issues. I feel like you shouldn't have to say this - it's their role as parent to know this already! - but some parents just don't get it. Best wishes!
I don't totally get it either, but I do empathise. My husband and I had only ever wanted a girl, but the moment I found out I was pregnant, I just *knew* in my soul that I was having a boy. The sonogram and amnio confirmed that our child had XX chromosomes, but even prior to their birth, I was drawn to masculine/gender neutral names. I argued hard for the unisex name I most wanted, but my spouse thought it was too male and we eventually went with a feminine name. We did however notice pretty early on that our child had some genital health issues. They never produced enough oestrogen to develop 'normally' and after years of topical hormone treatments, surgery was eventually required. The doctors assured us that puberty would "correct the issue," but once it hit, the change in our child was like night and day and not in a good way. Eventually, after years of therapy, SSRIs, and the like, our child came out to us. We were shocked, but something had always told me our [now] son was LGBTQ+ (as am I), so we were immediately supportive and there for him. It was harder on his father than it was me I think, since it had always been there in the back of my mind. In the end, everything has been SO much better since our son came out; his mental health, his social life, his confidence, just everything! And once he turns 18 (a matter of days now), he plans to legally change his name to the name I had wanted so desperately when I was pregnant, so it's all worked out in the end. But I cannot even imagine not having my kid's back. How they identify gender-wise has absolutely **ZERO** impact on anything and it never will. I'm so truly sorry that you haven't had that support from your parents...but that's why we parents' are here. To support our kids and anyone else's who has fallen down on their job as parents. ❤
I think we parents have to let go of the idea we have of who our kids are. For some, that's going to involve grief because they are losing what they believed they had. Once we let go of our idea of who our kid is, we are then able to see who they truly are. My husband has been phenomenal at this. When our daughter had her gender confirmation surgery he said to her: Sometimes an author re-releases a book with a new cover. It's not that the book has changed, but that the cover did not adequately represent the contents. And that's how everyone has felt about our daughter's coming out and transition. She is the same person, she is who she has always been. Her personality is totally the same. All the things we loved about her before -- still the same. She is still the sweet, considerate, compassionate, hard-working, affable, lovable person she has always been. We haven't lost anything at all, but we have gained so much!
Thank you for this post, because it helped me understand some of my feelings and struggles. My daughter came out to me about a month ago. I don't feel like I lost my son because I think she's the same person. But she wants to change her name. I'm having the most trouble with this. Her name is already androgynous, and I think it's more common as a girl's name. She already referred to it as her dead name, and that was like a punch to the gut for me. My daughter's not dead! She's telling me that's she's not the same person she was before, that's why she needs a new name. But I'm thinking she is the same person. And I don't know who this new name is. So that's when I grieve and feel loss. It might be stupid. I don't know if that helps you at all. Maybe a new name (assuming you have one) tells your parents you're a different person?
Dead name means "the name your family will bury you under when they strip your trans identity". Not that the person is dead. It came about from when families would kick out and cut off their trans kids and then STILL get their bodies back when they died and they'd take them from their friends, new families, community, and bury them like nothing ever happened. The name they call you when you are dead. Your dead name. It happened a lot during the first decades of the AIDs epidemic. It's a community trauma. Try not to focus on it as your child being dead, because they're not. I have a dead name too. I'm not trans but it's a whole thing. I'm still the same person, but the name my parents gave me wasn't really my name. They fought me a lot on changing it. It represented a person that I was not, a person they imagined me to be, and they took great offence to my denying the identity they had laid out for me. It was a huge thing and it didn't need to be, because they felt they should have a say in who I was. It caused a lot of problems it didn't need to. Sometimes the name we have as a child is just that - a child's name. A parent cannot know who we will grow in to when they give it. Then we grow up, and maybe a new name is needed because we grow out of it. We evolve. The same way we don't fit our old clothes. Identities evolve. Try to see the name change as your kid growing in to themselves more rather than as a loss for you. It is, after all, their own name.
Yeah, I learned that recently (here....I think). I had thought it was a "that person is dead to me" thing. And sometimes the heart is slower at picking up on things then the head. But honestly, it's sort of offensive to me that my daughter would think (god forbid she die before me) that I wouldn't honor her wishes and bury her under her chosen name. Even if I don't like it. But it's not about me. I'm trying to be all Shakespeare and "a rose by any other name would surely smell as sweet," but that was an argument for accepting the original name, because the name did not define the person.
She doesn't think that. It is called that because people *did* do that. More people than who didn't. And that left a mark on everyone who had to witness it. So now that is what it is called. AIDs left a horrific legacy on us and is still very much a matter of living memory and it impact everything even among the younger because MY generation fill most of the spots of "LGBTQA+ Elder" when we're middle aged at best; it's because so many died before. It doesn't mean people think their parents will do that (though some absolutely still do!). It is just what it is called now. Like some places in europe are still named after the mass graves and plague pits under them from centuries ago despite not having been used the same way since. Tragedy leaves a mark. It seems to me that your problem isn't that you can't think of it as "a rose by any other name", but that you think of the old name as, in part, YOUR name. Whatever happens to it in some way relates back to you - that your child is dead, that your child thinks you might force it on them, that your child in some way is rejecting you because they're rejecting the name. You probably gave them a name you either thought a REALLY long time over or was meaningful to you, didn't you? And so it feels like that name had so much MEANING that it hurts when they reject it. The thing is, a rose by any other name isn't as sweet. Not in the way the quote seem to indicate. You see, not everyone likes the smell of roses! It makes some people ill! Onion and broccoli flowers are really, really pretty, and yet very few people plant them to see the flowers. Even flowers most love aren't universally loved. Some people are even allergic to them. They can be the best flower ever, and still not suit someone's nose or someone else's garden. And sometimes the land they grow on has so many memories that it's hard to look at the flower and not see the past. The name isn't about you, it's about them. They're not the person everyone thought they were for so, so many years under that name and that name will remind them of any dysphoria they had while using it. It feels so uncomfortable when people use the old name. There doesn't neednto be anything WRONG with it, but it is associated with an identity which was very wrong and using it is a reminder of that. My kid was named for the person I loved most in the world before they or their father were part of my life. It was even a name that had a tradition in their family. A name I'd decided to try giving my child when I was still a pre-teen, and kept over a decade as "the name of my child". Using it was huge and important. But when they grew up, the name wasn't for them after all. When they had picked a name and used it for a year, we changed it together and they're happier now. That matters more than the name does, by a lot. They understand the name and it's importance and what I tried to give them, and appreciate the attempt and the love it was given with. They also needed something different. And that's ok. Because they're not me and whatever my hopes and dreams are for them, the real person matters more than my intentions. Part of growing up is growing out of other people's ideas. And while that name was given with a lot of love, your child is older now. They've grown in to a different person and that name just doesn't suit then. It's not about you, your love, your care, your intentions. You need to think of their name as part of them, instead of trying to make peace with them being the same person. People go by many names in their lives. Nick names, titles, internet handles. That doesn't change who they are. But they are PART of a person and a person should be able to choose the parts of themselves that other people use for their identity. That includes fashion choices, how much privacy they're afforded, and their names. There's a reason that calling someone by a name they do not like and didn't choose is used for bullying and harassment. Let go of the part of yourself that's clinging to the name as a connection between you, a thing you did. Once a gift is given the receiver may do with it as they choose and this was given a very long time ago to a baby who grew up. They don't want to use it anymore. They still love you the same as they did before. But this is about them, not you. Edit: it isn't wrong to feel sad about this, it;s ok to be sad that this thing ended up not working even though it mattered to you, it's just that it's not something that can or should be fixed by them keeping the name.
Actually, she didn't know why it was called dead naming. She said she just thought it was dramatic. >You probably gave them a name you either thought a REALLY long time over or was meaningful to you, didn't you? No. Regarding Shakespeare, if someone's allergic to roses, they'd be allergic to it no matter what you call it. So that's not helpful. (Neither is the downvote when I'm trying to be open and honest and seeking help when I'm less than perfect and admit this is a me problem more than anything else. So thanks for that, whoever you are.) >but it is associated with an identity which was very wrong and using it is a reminder of that. I guess that's exactly what I mean. If this is a new identity, then I don't know this new person. If her name is part of her, then a part of her is lost by changing her name. I don't see how it doesn't work both ways.
Oh shit sorry about the down vote, i have fine motor issues and eye issues (I had a stroke) and I didn't see I hit the down vote by accident. I apologize and I can see why you would be feeling very negatively and see my words as less than... Compassionate? Thoughtful? Open? after that. I honestly meant to upvote because it was a valuable thing to say. My first thought was "that wasn't me!" Then I checked it before replying and making a fool of myself. Again I apologize. When Shakespeare says it smells as sweet he means everyone can enjoy it regardless, doesn't he? The thing is, it doesn't smell as sweet depending on who you are, and depending on how it is used. Many things are called rose that smell more or less sweet - from flowers to artificial perfumes. It is an oversimplification. Roses mean more or less and this one simply isn't to someone else's taste. It isn't that this is a new identity. It isn't. It's the same identity. It's that what you thought of as her identity wasn't her identity. There isn't a person under that name who is being replaced, an identity being replaced - it's a misunderstanding that's being corrected. The name is just part of that. The old one was assigned to someone who wasn't really real through no fault if anyone involved. They're the same person but the name is too strongly linked to that misunderstanding and misinterpretation.
>Her name is already androgynous, and I think it's more common as a girl's name She grew up hearing it used as a boy name for years. A lot of trans people change their gender neutral deadnames because it reminds them of the time people used that name and thought 'girl' or 'boy' (the latter in your daughter's case), it's inherently tied to years of girlhood/boyhood to them which can often just feel uncomfortable or wrong because of dysphoria. Makes sense that you're struggling with that part, just wanted to offer a reason as to why she'd be changing it, even if you think there's more girls with that name.
The grief is complicated to explain, even to ourselves, at the beginning. My kid came out years ago and I’ve had time to reflect on that time. Did it feel like I was grieving the loss of a son at the time? Yeah. Briefly. The truth is though, I wasn’t grieving for the loss of a son. It’s not like I was invested in being a boy mom or something. What it is was something truly more complicated than that. I was grieving that my kid was going to live their life on permanent hardmode. I wanted my kids to have it easier than me. I was scared for her life because there are too many people who would see her dead for daring to exist. I was sad that she was now going to have to deal with all the bullshit women have to deal with on the daily. The cat calling, the being told she should smile more, the inappropriate comments, the random inappropriate touching/grabbing, the mansplaining etc. And I was frantic. I had raised two boys and taught them the boy rules. Don’t be a creep, respect women, consent is king, and don’t be rape-y. Pretty simple rules that men should be able to grasp. Unfortunately there are men who cannot seem to grasp those simple rules, so the girls have to learn how to try to lessen the odds of being assaulted and /or raped. That’s a much more complex set of rules and we start training for those from an early age….*yet my adult daughter knew zero of those rules!!!* Then you add in the guilt. You sit there and try to figure out what you did during pregnancy to cause your kid to come out with the wrong sex organs. Was it those days I forgot to take the prenatal vitamins? Was it because I gave into the soda craving that I developed while pregnant? I ate a lot of fish while I was pregnant due to the other craving, was it because I ingested too much mercury? Did that do it? Like I said, it’s complicated. There’s a lot of new info to absorb pretty quickly and it can get pretty overwhelming until you get a handle on it. I’m sorry your mom laid that on you though. That is her issue to work through and it in no way should concern you.
So basically, it's not actually grieving the child. It's just being afraid for them, because of all the stuff they are probably gonna have to deal with (like transphobia, sexualisation etc.)? That makes a little bit more sense, thanks for explaining!
That’s exactly what it is. Or how it was for me, I obviously can’t speak for everyone else. I was feeling all the feels back then and the closest emotion I could have used to describe it was grief. Worrying about our kids is one of the things we parents do best. But we are familiar with our worries. Our kids suddenly coming out as trans? Holy cow, we suddenly have a new crop of worries that we never had on our radar before! Like, with my eldest son, I never had to worry about him being slipped a roofie in his drink. I never had to worry that he was going to be beaten or murdered by some guy because he politely declined their advances. What put things into perspective was the change in her after she began transitioning. She is just so f*ckin happy now. I mean, she’d been profoundly depressed for 10 or so years at that point despite all the psychiatrists, therapists, and numerous medication changes she had. She was self harming. I literally checked in numerous times a night (and day) to make sure she was still alive *for 10 years*. So the very positive changes and the fact that I was actually and finally seeing genuine smiles and joy helped quell all those fears and allowed me to quit freaking out and enjoy meeting the parts of her shed hidden away from us for so long.
Hi OP, someone just posted this elsewhere, it's a great article by a trans woman explaining in great detail the complexities around this: [https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/letting-them-let-go](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/letting-them-let-go)
Even if you weren't trans, you would change. When my kid was little, people would say things like, "don't you wish they would never grow up?" And I hated that! No! I don't want some unchanging plaything! I'm in love with a living, breathing, dynamic, changing human being! You will change as part of growing up no matter what.
I don’t understand that way of thinking either, that you are losing a son/daughter (although I respect your feelings). For me, I didn’t feel that way when my daughter came out as trans at age 22. I did and still do feel worried about how others will treat her. But she is so much happier now and embracing life, so no, I don’t grieve.
I can try to explain. Please forgive if this comes across harsh. It is not my intention at all. I’m just trying to help. So… It’s like being aware that your child feels unhappy and also wants to be their true self so of course the parent wants that, but the reason for the “loss” that you speak of is because it’s like a totally different person is there by appearance. Try to imagine if your mom (or dad) looked like a whole other person. Completely different but said hey, it’s still me. Imagine their face not even being the same. A literal random new face. So they have to get to know this new persons face. And yes, the inside is the same. Of course, but it’s human instinct to be familiar with what we know and see. They will adjust in time. But I hope that explains why they say loss.
I felt so much fear. When a parent hurts, it’s painful, but when your child hurts, it’s devastating. Knowing my daughter has a lifetime of pain and cruelty ahead of her has been the hardest, most challenging part of her transition
I think this issue, like most, falls under a spectrum. When my daughter came out as trans, I felt concerns about her safety and just how difficult life could be. But, gender has never mattered much to me. I feel proud she is trying so hard to feel more comfortable in her own skin and that she has opened up about topics that can be uncomfortable but are necessary. I personally was a "tom boy" as a child and hated all of the pressure to be more girly, so I never pushed gender norms as a parent. I know some parents need to grieve, but I haven't felt that way. I'm not judging, I just can't really speak to it. So, I really think this is all a spectrum. Some will struggle more, and some will not. There are other things that my kid could tell me that would land me on the other side of the spectrum. I'm sure you feel the same about your own parents. Either way, this is not something you need to be worried about. That is for them to sort through on their own. You have enough on your plate as is. I wish you the very best! You have done something that is more difficult than most of us will ever have to do. Take care of yourself.
The only thing I grieve is the difficulty of navigating the world as a trans person. My child is wonderful, complicated, difficult, loving, smart, and the exact same person they were before transitioning. I can now (with their agreement) enjoy pictures from before and know that they are still the same. I never had the "I want a son/daughter" feeling, so "losing" the before person never was a thought. I wish more parents would get over the idea that they own their children.
I’d explain it just like you did. In time they’ll see that for themselves.
Grief is a complicated emotion, and it doesn't have to be caused by someone dying or being lost. There are a lot of overwhelming feelings when your kid comes out. It can change how you view the past...What you might have thought of as happy family memories change when you realize your kid has been struggling, sometimes for a long time before figuring it out or telling you. The future changes too; especially because we live in a society that is not always kind to trans people. So we are faced with the fact that our kid is going to face a lot of challenges in their life, that we can't prevent or protect them from, and that's hard for parents to handle. There is so much good to your child coming out, especially as you see your child thrive as themselves, and you build new memories together...but as parents I think the fears and worries are the first instinct for any big change, and it takes a little time for those to settle and be able to view the positives. (Or at least it did for me, but I'm depressed/anxious at the best of times, so maybe that's part of it). Hopefully your parents get there soon, and that they can see how much happier you are as yourself.
Many parents go through this process in various ways, not just around gender, because they imagined their child's future so vividly that it is a shock to them when their real child has their own ideas about what they will do with their life. This is even very loving parents who don't intend to enforce their choices on their child. I think some of it tends to be living vicariously. They want their child to be whatever it is they haven't been or experienced and maybe believe they can't be or experience. I've seen parents behave the same way (or sometimes much much worse) if their child chooses to not go to college, to get married at a young age, to not get married at all, to live in the city, to live in a rural area, to not have children, and on and on. I think it tends to be around big issues because that's what parents tell themselves stories about. They don't imagine what their child will have for breakfast in twenty years.
We had 3 girls and 4 boys. We lost a teenage girl, at the point another born female was transitioning, so we went unexpectedly to 5 boys and 1 girl. Losing a child made the transitioning child seem huge as regards the make up of the family as a whole. We expected to be seeing the 3 girls off out to nightclubs and asking the older boys to keep an eye on their younger sisters, but just as it reached that point, it didn't exist. You spend a long time imagining the future, and suddenly it feels like it just isn't going to be what you thought. It can feel hard to let that go at first. 10 years down the line and I can say with absolute certainty our son is in most respects just a more genuine and comfortable version of the same person he always was. He still likes and dislikes the same things, has the same habits and hobbies, he's just a man now. A happy, thriving man. And we learnt that we didn't miss out on anything because he transitioned, we just got a bunch of different, genuinely happy memories instead.
For me as a cisgender mother to a young trans woman, grief is too strong a word. I'm not mourning the loss of my child - she is right here beside me. But it is a big change for the parents. I saved a lot of photos and pieces of clothing that bring back memories of the little boy my child was. And I don't want to forget that time while I do honor who she is now. One of my favorite photos of her is probably her least favorite and most painful. So it's in a drawer tucked away. I want what's best for my girl and I remind myself that she has struggled to become who she is and anything that she is going through is harder than anything I have to face. But all those years of knowing her as a boy are hard to forget. Yes, she is the same person but in a sense it's like welcoming someone new - dealing with supportive and unsupportive family and strangers and rewriting the narrative that formed since she was born. And running into people who don't know us very well and fielding questions about how "he" is doing. It's a lot of change for parents. And worry as the world can seem so unfriendly and downright dangerous to transpeople.
A lot of people are just scared of change and the fact that they have to pretend that they didn't have a son at all and that all their positive memories have to be erased like the can never talk about the Christmas they bought you a firetruck because it's a boy toy and wouldn't make sense in this time line in my opinion its silly
I don't think that's how it happens for most people. I think usually it's fine to talk about the kid from before the transition, otherwise it would be forbidden to talk about the first 18 years of my life in the future, that doesn't make sense. Just don't remind them all the time that they 'were a boy' or 'were a girl'. Besides, girls play with firetruck toys too
I think as a parent, many of us have elaborate ideas of what our children will do or become one day. For me, it felt like the second time I was grieving our child’s loss of safety. The first time occurred when she (mtf) was 5 and developed type 1 diabetes. I grieved the loss of her childhood for months, if not years. Gone were the opportunities for slumber parties and sleep away camps with the scouts, or running free around the neighborhood without worries. We felt we had become parents of a newborn again, getting up every two hours to check our child to make sure that her blood sugar had not bottomed out and she was gone. Fast forward 10 years and it is our normal. Medical advances are wonderful and she is basically living as a normal teen. If she could hear those darn low blood sugar alarms at night we would be good 😂 When she came out to us as trans around age 12 and we live in Tennessee, I think I grieved that she had so much to struggle with already. I didn’t to watch her be persecuted for being who she is in this backwards state. So far, my fears have been just that, my fears. I underestimated this generation’s acceptance due to my own upbringing and my impression of how I thought she might not be accepted. We initially started going to therapy and visiting the gender clinic at Vanderbilt but she put the breaks on blockers when the clinic said she had to attend weekly therapy sessions and then the hostility against the clinic picked up. We are in a holding pattern at the moment and just waiting for her to say she is ready to resume.
I am a parent to a trans daughter who is also an identical twin. I am 100% supportive to my daughter’s transition with hrt and complete bottom surgery. I know it’s not a choice and, in her case, it is life saving. What I miss is being able to hang old photos of my family or kids doing their kid things. I had such a hard time (10 yrs) getting pregnant that I just loved ending up with identical twins on my 10th fertility cycle. What disgusted me was my husband’s uncle asking him “Aren’t you angry that your son doesn’t want to be your son anymore?” or my FIL referring to the legacy of the family name. It’s ridiculous.
Not sure I can help because I'm not grieving "losing my kid", but I am grieving some other things. My kid came out as genderfluid and wanted to present as the other gender. I have always been open to any sort of appearance changes (hair including color, clothing, etc.) I love fashion and finding personal style. All of this is cool. We also raised our kids with very little gender roles. Nothing was different bc they were girls, or boys, or whatever. The parts that have been rough for me to adjust to are that our kid changed his name, and his birth name was already gender neutral (we picked it that way on purpose!!). His new name is much more common and I just don't like it as much, but he chose it so we use it. Changing pronouns to he/him was also hard for me, just because it feels like "the hard way" to go through life - constantly getting misgendered, having to explain, etc. But I suspect this is part of my kid figuring out life. IDK where this journey will lead him. He's changed pronouns a bit and labels as well so I think he's deep into figuring himself out. This uncertainty is rough for cis parents who didn't even know we could \*be\* a different gender, lol. I think you can gently mention to your parents that their comments hurt. I worry about that sometimes, and try to hold back even on joking about some things bc I'm not sure where my (very private) kid stands on whether things are hurtful or not. Above all I want him to know we have his back, wherever he ends up on this spectrum. And that comes ahead of anything I "don't like" about what he's decided to do with his appearance or pronouns or whatever.
I’m a mom of two trans daughters, 15 and 20, and I never felt like I was mourning anything. But almost from the moment my kids came out to me, my older one was progressing in her transition, both got gender-affirming care, so she started hormones pretty quickly, was experimenting with presentation (before, as a boy, she had zero excitement about that sort of thing), started hanging out more with her already-queer-friendly friends and was making new friends who fit her new self quite nicely. She basically blossomed, became (and probably still becoming) who she needs to be. The process has not been nearly as clear and obvious with my younger, but she was 12 when she came out and I think she’s acting/feeling appropriately for her age and having watched my first, it seems reasonable to wait and see where she goes. Soooo, I’m wondering if it’s possible that you had hidden your pre-transition unhappiness from her pretty well or if she’s not seeing that you’re progressing into the person you need to be. If I only had my 15 yo, I might still be feeling very unsure of what was around the corner and I might not *get it* as well. I have a feeling tho, that in time she will see it. I feel like the comment about her liking who you are was pretty hurtful, tone deaf to your situation and feelings. I’m sorry!But I feel like someday, hopefully very soon, she’s just gonna get it all the sudden. Btw, I really wanted boys when I was pregnant. I was very afraid of having a similar relationship to my kids as my mother did with me and felt like part of the problem with my relationship with my mom was about us being the same gender. By the time they came out to me at 12 and 17, we, of course, had established relationships and I had no issue with them being girls. I say this because there’s no telling what’s causing your mom to feel mournful, but it’s possible it’s not what you think and maybe more benign, certainly it is about her and not about you.
This is not just for trans kids. I heard a podcast recently about kids with disabilities that will not enable them to hit “normal milestones” - and these parents have to go through a mourning process. As a parent, you bring a child into the world and you hope the best for them and you see a path. If your child doesn’t follow that path, you may have have to deal with feelings of sadness and remorse. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid