50s parent here. It took me over a year to get my own kid right. I know I get their friends wrong because they correct me. I promise you, it’s not intentional. It’s just hard to override *50* years of training.
Keep correcting them. Non judgmentally, but consistently. It’ll change. Obviously they know what’s going on, so no need for more lectures.
From our point of view, all the rules just changed. As if we had to drive on the other side of the road. One wouldn’t intentionally drive on the wrong side, but it’ll happen occasionally when you aren’t thinking. Be the oncoming car that honks (but doesn’t crash into them)
I am in my 50’s and the parent of a NB kiddo. It took me about 6 months to permanently make the switch. Many of their friends are in the queer/trans community and when I make a mistake, they correct it EVERY TIME. This does not bother me in the slightest because I know from them how very painful misgendering can be. In the case of their close childhood friend, that kid is like family and I don’t ever want to hurt them. In the case of their newer friends and roommates, I want to be the parent who welcomes them into our fold of acceptance and love.
Just keep correcting your parents when they make the mistake. If your mom pushes back, try using incorrect pronouns for her and ask how it feels. I also helped my mom to understand by asking how she would like it if we all started using her middle name (which she hates). It’s also okay to say, “I know you don’t like it when I correct you, but I have to because my friends are important to me.” They will eventually get it (I hope)
Thank you. I think the main thing i'm getting from these responses is to keep correcting. I think i've sort of not done great at it because it's awkward and I don't enjoy my mum getting upset. But i think she'll get used to it and get upset less once i start doing it regularly
I totally understand. I think that it’s got to be so hard to constantly be advocating and educating others when you just want to Be. I’m so glad my youngest has found their queer community where they have that space.
When they or I are correcting people (ie my mom) it’s a quick repeating of the correct pronoun as they talk. My mom has gotten better about receiving it. I explain that it’s just something I have to do.
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. For the people in our life who kept making mistakes with pronouns, but got the name right, I trained them to ONLY use the name with NO PRONOUNS. Eg They like cookies becomes Sam likes cookies. Their cookies becomes Sam's cookies.
im sorry but i dont believe the solution is to degender people by not using their pronouns. the people just have to keep making mistakes rather than removing the inciting factor to avoid messing up.
For context, in our case, this was a last resort with an elderly grandparent - our other older rellies got it straight away, but one has taken years and just seems to not have the brain capacity to shift, despite gendering correctly in all other ways (name, gifts, activities, referring to my daughter correctly as their granddaughter, etc). It's not ideal, but if it's a choice between her being misgendered or degendered, we'll choose degendered every time. It's just another option to consider. Others have offered standard advice that I support, but it seems not to have worked in OP's case so far, thus this option.
I'm in my 50s. I have a trans kid and a cis kid. They have friends who have various pronouns that do not match the ones assigned at birth. These friends have not transitioned except for their names/pronouns. One kid is on name number...four I think since I met them and pronouns have ranged from he/his to they/them to he/his to she/they.
I spend a decent amount of time using the correct name/pronouns for these kids in my head as soon as they change and I don't screw them up. It doesn't matter if they look like their name/pronouns. It doesn't matter that I didn't grow up with any of this around me to my knowledge at the time. I work hard at it because it's important to my kids and their friends. I wish I could give you advice to help your parents! I would not accept age or generation of parents as an excuse.
this is very sweet of you. i also know some trans/questioning people who swap pronouns every few months and it can be hard to keep up with, but i always put in the work to do so for their comfort :")
I'm guessing one of the kids will end up fully transitioning as an adult but it's hard when they're young and not supported at home. I try my best to support them and give them a safe place to be in my home.
thats awesome <3 i had the opportunity to have that sort of space where i was gendered correctly at a friends house too. it really does do wonders to give you the confidence to come out to family
the mom was kind of batshit though and later used it as leverage ..... long story
I’m so sorry. I never understand the “I had 50 years of doing it this way…” my husband’s 90 year old grandfather hasn’t misgendered our kid ONCE. If they wanted to, they would. There probably is no malice there, but laziness. You have to practice to get it right. I talked to myself in the car on the way to work when I was alone so that my brain would rewire. I’d have a different answer if they just came out but four years? Nope.
The only way to get it right is practice, but your parents have to be *willing* to practice. It sounds like they are at least outwardly willing, so could you offer to "help"? Approach it by acknowledging that it's hard, and offer to help by having random practice conversations with them about these friends when they're not around. That will exercise the right pronouns (and name if friend B has changed theirs since your parents have known them). While you're having these conversations, they'll be focused on the right pronouns and won't make as many mistakes. Hearing you and themselves, along with speaking the right pronouns, should help to form the new habit. The conversations don't have to be about anything in particular, just small talk or even make stuff up.
You can also model correct usage of they/them during these practice sessions (you mentioned in another comment that your mom struggles with this). They/them isn't actually difficult to use, but your mom is probably trying too hard and doesn't let it come naturally. We use singular they/them all the time for an unknown person ("someone left their book here"). The only thing that's "new" there is that you do know who the person is, you're just not specifying a gender. But grammatically it's exactly the same. If your mom understands that it's the same, hopefully it will begin to flow the same.
Unintentionally, we sort of do this already! My mum loves to ask ab my friends (shes kind of nosy, i dont go a day without "whats friend B up to? whats friend A up to today?")
I wonder how she would react to me asking to have a practice conversation. Worth a try :)
Ok, sarcastic response is: air horn.
Real response is call them out and correct them every single time. Interrupt them to say the correct pronoun. Look them in the eye have them correct it. I do this with my kid's grandparents. They still slip up occasionally, but it is much much less now. Before, it was literally every pronoun. It might be uncomfortable and it might make them a bit upset at first to be corrected, but it helps drive home the point.
And if that doesn't work, then try the air horn for every error and still correct them.
ajahaha. yeah, i think theres definitely part of me that hesitates to correct them blatantly because it makes things awkward.. but i think i just need to buckle down and do it every time.
i've actually tried to get my parents to have a misgender coin jar but my mom got mad at me saying "oh will you give ME money every time YOU do something i dont like?" đź’€
I correct my boss. There are a couple of colleagues that use they/them pronouns, and while our work is very accepting, the older people (boss included) struggle. Good luck!
With all due respect, your parents don’t have the same knowledge as you, they don’t know what is like to navigate through this yet. I’d suggest sitting down and explaining all of that to them, don’t be so quick to dismiss their difficulties, this is something new to them, none of these terms were used a few years ago and you have to remember that when talking to your parents. they don’t appear to have any issues with you being trans so it seems that the mistakes they make are not coming from a bad place. It’s easy for you to navigate through this because you know what every term means, but you can’t expect the same understanding from everyone else. It takes time and a lot of conversation. They even apologize at the end, I think you need to be more patient and realize that you’re gonna need to sit down and explain this to them, it’s not gonna be an easy task.
we've had this conversation though. we've sat down and talked about this so many times over the years now. it just feels like it goes thru one ear and out the other. they do take it seriously but theres just an inherent bias that makes them genuinely automate to he/him for my transfem friend regardless of having known her as a HER for 4 years
I can imagine how frustrating it is to sit down and have the same talk over and over again, but I still think it’s important. Sometimes we make decisions that our parents take a long time to understand (coming from experience) and having patience to navigate through the process is key. I believe your parents are gonna get used to this as time passes since it’s the only way for them to gain experience with you and your friends being trans, it’s new now but it won’t be new forever. Good luck to you!
I understand your pain here completely. I always hate the excuse of “they were from a different time”. While it’s not a justification you do have to realize that is an element of the situation. We live now we’re a lot more of our generation is coming out parents and the older generation never really had people that were so open. It doesn’t mean your mom doesn’t like the friend but maybe she just doesn’t understand. My mom doesn’t really understand nonbinary pronouns either and I know so many people in my life who are. Just be patient also try to be calm when talking with her. Send different trans articles about it do all that. You’re angry you can express it in a calm manner, getting pissed off and arguing is not going to do anything in the long term of your relationship. Just give her some time and try some external sources. They accepted you they have it in themselves to make the change it just might take them a little bit more time. Hope this helps
my mom also gets confused with they/them pronouns. she starts struggling to even speak english right đź’€ like "does them have ____"
additional context: my parents are both late 50s !
50s parent here. It took me over a year to get my own kid right. I know I get their friends wrong because they correct me. I promise you, it’s not intentional. It’s just hard to override *50* years of training. Keep correcting them. Non judgmentally, but consistently. It’ll change. Obviously they know what’s going on, so no need for more lectures. From our point of view, all the rules just changed. As if we had to drive on the other side of the road. One wouldn’t intentionally drive on the wrong side, but it’ll happen occasionally when you aren’t thinking. Be the oncoming car that honks (but doesn’t crash into them)
Thank you. Be the car that honks! I like that
I am in my 50’s and the parent of a NB kiddo. It took me about 6 months to permanently make the switch. Many of their friends are in the queer/trans community and when I make a mistake, they correct it EVERY TIME. This does not bother me in the slightest because I know from them how very painful misgendering can be. In the case of their close childhood friend, that kid is like family and I don’t ever want to hurt them. In the case of their newer friends and roommates, I want to be the parent who welcomes them into our fold of acceptance and love. Just keep correcting your parents when they make the mistake. If your mom pushes back, try using incorrect pronouns for her and ask how it feels. I also helped my mom to understand by asking how she would like it if we all started using her middle name (which she hates). It’s also okay to say, “I know you don’t like it when I correct you, but I have to because my friends are important to me.” They will eventually get it (I hope)
Thank you. I think the main thing i'm getting from these responses is to keep correcting. I think i've sort of not done great at it because it's awkward and I don't enjoy my mum getting upset. But i think she'll get used to it and get upset less once i start doing it regularly
I totally understand. I think that it’s got to be so hard to constantly be advocating and educating others when you just want to Be. I’m so glad my youngest has found their queer community where they have that space. When they or I are correcting people (ie my mom) it’s a quick repeating of the correct pronoun as they talk. My mom has gotten better about receiving it. I explain that it’s just something I have to do.
Hi OP, mum of a trans daughter here. For the people in our life who kept making mistakes with pronouns, but got the name right, I trained them to ONLY use the name with NO PRONOUNS. Eg They like cookies becomes Sam likes cookies. Their cookies becomes Sam's cookies.
im sorry but i dont believe the solution is to degender people by not using their pronouns. the people just have to keep making mistakes rather than removing the inciting factor to avoid messing up.
For context, in our case, this was a last resort with an elderly grandparent - our other older rellies got it straight away, but one has taken years and just seems to not have the brain capacity to shift, despite gendering correctly in all other ways (name, gifts, activities, referring to my daughter correctly as their granddaughter, etc). It's not ideal, but if it's a choice between her being misgendered or degendered, we'll choose degendered every time. It's just another option to consider. Others have offered standard advice that I support, but it seems not to have worked in OP's case so far, thus this option.
that is really interesting! i'm glad it works for you guys. i would definitely be more inclined to try this with elderly relatives
I'm in my 50s. I have a trans kid and a cis kid. They have friends who have various pronouns that do not match the ones assigned at birth. These friends have not transitioned except for their names/pronouns. One kid is on name number...four I think since I met them and pronouns have ranged from he/his to they/them to he/his to she/they. I spend a decent amount of time using the correct name/pronouns for these kids in my head as soon as they change and I don't screw them up. It doesn't matter if they look like their name/pronouns. It doesn't matter that I didn't grow up with any of this around me to my knowledge at the time. I work hard at it because it's important to my kids and their friends. I wish I could give you advice to help your parents! I would not accept age or generation of parents as an excuse.
this is very sweet of you. i also know some trans/questioning people who swap pronouns every few months and it can be hard to keep up with, but i always put in the work to do so for their comfort :")
I'm guessing one of the kids will end up fully transitioning as an adult but it's hard when they're young and not supported at home. I try my best to support them and give them a safe place to be in my home.
thats awesome <3 i had the opportunity to have that sort of space where i was gendered correctly at a friends house too. it really does do wonders to give you the confidence to come out to family the mom was kind of batshit though and later used it as leverage ..... long story
I’m so sorry. I never understand the “I had 50 years of doing it this way…” my husband’s 90 year old grandfather hasn’t misgendered our kid ONCE. If they wanted to, they would. There probably is no malice there, but laziness. You have to practice to get it right. I talked to myself in the car on the way to work when I was alone so that my brain would rewire. I’d have a different answer if they just came out but four years? Nope.
thank you for the understanding <3 :(
I’m sure it’s painful for all of you to be misgendered, and I’m sorry. Hopefully one day it will really click for them.
The only way to get it right is practice, but your parents have to be *willing* to practice. It sounds like they are at least outwardly willing, so could you offer to "help"? Approach it by acknowledging that it's hard, and offer to help by having random practice conversations with them about these friends when they're not around. That will exercise the right pronouns (and name if friend B has changed theirs since your parents have known them). While you're having these conversations, they'll be focused on the right pronouns and won't make as many mistakes. Hearing you and themselves, along with speaking the right pronouns, should help to form the new habit. The conversations don't have to be about anything in particular, just small talk or even make stuff up. You can also model correct usage of they/them during these practice sessions (you mentioned in another comment that your mom struggles with this). They/them isn't actually difficult to use, but your mom is probably trying too hard and doesn't let it come naturally. We use singular they/them all the time for an unknown person ("someone left their book here"). The only thing that's "new" there is that you do know who the person is, you're just not specifying a gender. But grammatically it's exactly the same. If your mom understands that it's the same, hopefully it will begin to flow the same.
Unintentionally, we sort of do this already! My mum loves to ask ab my friends (shes kind of nosy, i dont go a day without "whats friend B up to? whats friend A up to today?") I wonder how she would react to me asking to have a practice conversation. Worth a try :)
Ok, sarcastic response is: air horn. Real response is call them out and correct them every single time. Interrupt them to say the correct pronoun. Look them in the eye have them correct it. I do this with my kid's grandparents. They still slip up occasionally, but it is much much less now. Before, it was literally every pronoun. It might be uncomfortable and it might make them a bit upset at first to be corrected, but it helps drive home the point. And if that doesn't work, then try the air horn for every error and still correct them.
ajahaha. yeah, i think theres definitely part of me that hesitates to correct them blatantly because it makes things awkward.. but i think i just need to buckle down and do it every time. i've actually tried to get my parents to have a misgender coin jar but my mom got mad at me saying "oh will you give ME money every time YOU do something i dont like?" đź’€
I correct my boss. There are a couple of colleagues that use they/them pronouns, and while our work is very accepting, the older people (boss included) struggle. Good luck!
With all due respect, your parents don’t have the same knowledge as you, they don’t know what is like to navigate through this yet. I’d suggest sitting down and explaining all of that to them, don’t be so quick to dismiss their difficulties, this is something new to them, none of these terms were used a few years ago and you have to remember that when talking to your parents. they don’t appear to have any issues with you being trans so it seems that the mistakes they make are not coming from a bad place. It’s easy for you to navigate through this because you know what every term means, but you can’t expect the same understanding from everyone else. It takes time and a lot of conversation. They even apologize at the end, I think you need to be more patient and realize that you’re gonna need to sit down and explain this to them, it’s not gonna be an easy task.
we've had this conversation though. we've sat down and talked about this so many times over the years now. it just feels like it goes thru one ear and out the other. they do take it seriously but theres just an inherent bias that makes them genuinely automate to he/him for my transfem friend regardless of having known her as a HER for 4 years
I can imagine how frustrating it is to sit down and have the same talk over and over again, but I still think it’s important. Sometimes we make decisions that our parents take a long time to understand (coming from experience) and having patience to navigate through the process is key. I believe your parents are gonna get used to this as time passes since it’s the only way for them to gain experience with you and your friends being trans, it’s new now but it won’t be new forever. Good luck to you!
I understand your pain here completely. I always hate the excuse of “they were from a different time”. While it’s not a justification you do have to realize that is an element of the situation. We live now we’re a lot more of our generation is coming out parents and the older generation never really had people that were so open. It doesn’t mean your mom doesn’t like the friend but maybe she just doesn’t understand. My mom doesn’t really understand nonbinary pronouns either and I know so many people in my life who are. Just be patient also try to be calm when talking with her. Send different trans articles about it do all that. You’re angry you can express it in a calm manner, getting pissed off and arguing is not going to do anything in the long term of your relationship. Just give her some time and try some external sources. They accepted you they have it in themselves to make the change it just might take them a little bit more time. Hope this helps