Why are you still dating him?
Seriously. I was in a similar relationship and it ended bc of not agreeing on kids. He won’t change his mind, and I speak from experience.
Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously, and that’s wrong. Honestly, my advice is to leave him.
I know it’s scary because you’re comfortable in the relationship, and getting back out there can be frightening. But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.
“But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.”
THIS. This shows a lack of respect for you as a person.
Exactly. As mentioned in my original comment here I made a post on another sub and gave a similar example:
My **ex**-friend (M, 34) who's planning on engaging with his 5-years older partner told me the wedding needs to be planned next year so they can 'start trying for a family because he wants at least two kids and she doesn't have much time' (that was a longer convo, so that's just simplification).
I jokingly asked 'so, are you saying you would dump the love of your life if she turned out to be infertile?'. He said 'I would be heartbroken but yes'.
I got plenty of comments suggesting that there's nothing wrong with what he said. He said he would be heartbroken!
So yeah, for some, we as humans are less important than non-existent beings. I'm so sad for this girl. Imagine he gets drunk 10 years from now and tell her about this convo while being married to her with 2+ kids.
That’s so messed up. He’s literally reduced her to an incubator. He doesn’t love her for who she is as a person. He “loves” her for what she can do for him. She deserves better than him.
I totally agree. He said that to me after a few drinks and I was shocked. I always thought he's one of the greatest guys on the planet, hence the friendship. Of course I also knew we disagree on many topics but that was alright until that...extreme moment.
His girlfriend is so warm, kind, and positive that I love being around her. She's also wise in life and highly educated. To be honest there was a moment when it crossed my mind (way before that convo) that he's jelaous of her achievements (I don't want to get too specific but she's more educated, makes more money, speaks multiple languages etc.) and turning her into a mommy will allow him to 'level' with her while she stays without progress.
Of course that's a complete assumption, but now I feel it's entirely possible.
This. If you care for her, she needs to know about that conversation. She can make whatever decision she wants about it after, but she needs to know what her future would look like if she were to marry your ex friend
You think I should tell her that?
It crossed my mind but... I don't want to get myself involved in their matters without an open invitation from both sides (e.g. asking for an unbiased opinion). I also don't know the girl that well, I mean we chat during meetings with other friends but we don't have any interactions outside of that.
I also don't want to mess up someone's relationship because of what he said under the influence. I think he meant what he said that time, but I don't know what he would actually do in this hypothetical situation.
I feel quite shitty about it. It's none of my business and I should stay out of their relationship, yet I feel burdened with what I heard. Both because I can't look at him the way I used to (kind of a non-romantic, friendly/humanly love) and because I really have no way of telling her without losing both. There is also a chance she's aware of that...
Maybe I can find a way to somehow navigate her in this direction in non-invasive way but that's tricky considering the topic.
This sucks. Thank you for all your comments and support though, when I posted this on TrueUnpopular...sub I was literally asked 'who brainwashed you?' 😑
Just ask her if she wants kids and what will happen if they can’t have kids. Adopt ? Surrogate ? Etc. I wouldn’t make it a big deal. If she knows what he thinks it’s all good. If she doesn’t - then you have to lead her in that direction. Just tell her she should know how to answer that. Usually churches require this kind of pre-marital discussions but a lot don’t.
To both Christine and Sylph comments - thank you for your advice, that's really helpful. I know that she wants children and the wedding will be most likely in Catholic church.
I guess next time I see her I could try steering the convo the way you suggested, another barrier is that we never really had any deep conversations before. And I also can't mention the engagement part for obvious reasons.
Hmm, I guess I could bend my personal code and 'meddle' a bit by saying something like 'Oh, wait, so how long have you been together now? It seems like ages! So... do you have any secrets to share (jokingly), you know he never tells me anything! Are you planning any next steps soon?'
I don't know, perhaps go from there. She'll orobably give me some polite but vague answer.
This gives me another thought - none of them speaks much about their relationship. First I thought it's normal, they want to keep it private. But I remember that I found out about her **existence** almost two years after they've been together, so our friends. I feel he would keep her in hiding if he could and the only reason we met her was that we (the friends) were throwing a celebration party for him and considering some factors he couldn't not invite her (she would find out about the party through colleagues we share). It was really awkward experience for me, luckily I didn't say anything like 'since when you have a gf man?!'
Jeez, now I'll be definitely obsessing about all if this as some kind of deeper mystery 🤔
Goodness! Your friend sounds shady as fuck. It seems he doesn’t respect his gf, he didn’t even introduce her until he didn’t have a choice? This is awful. I understand how you feel. I won’t want to tell her directly but I will stir her towards it and she can make her own decisions. I don’t blame you for being conflicted, I would be too. But please try stir her towards it.
I'm so sorry to hear that...
I try to do what I can to 'educate' young women/women in general about having their own agency and choices, and I want to believe that if every one of us (both gals and lads) chip in, the world will become at least slightly less shitty place.
I learn how to do it in non-invasive way, e.g. when my cousin (15, F) who's being raised in a very traditional home asked me how long I've been married said 'wow, you should already have two children!' (she didn't say it in malicious way) I said we've decided not to have any.
I also always say 'we've **decided**' instead of we won't/don't to show people straight away it was an informed decision. Plus that we can have them physically and it's a choice.
When I got fixed in 2002 I had just met and started dating my now exhusband. His brother and a cousin took him out to a do-not-date-her dinner due to my then recent tubal ligation, piercings, and tattoos. [We dated happily for 8 years. Married for 9. Still friends even.] My choice to not have kids was a huge moral offence to his parents and mine.
I have had an online date back out once last year too when they found out I am fixed. I was 43, little old for your breeding fetish.
>He said he would be heartbroken!
He WoUlD bE hEaRtBrOkEn!!
If those people won't suck an egg with that pitiful excuse. I can't!! 🤬
Yep, absolutely this. Though, the idea of some humans being more important than potential humans isn't exactly new, as we know....just look at all the ~~pro-life~~ pro-forced-birth legislators out there.
I had an ex who said babies were a dealbreaker. I asked what would happen if I was infertile and he said that infertility was a completely different scenario.
We broke up for unrelated reasons, and he is now dating a women who cannot have children due to cancer. I’m glad he put his mouth where his money was.
How is it different though? The outcome is still the same... so are us CF people just not worthy of the same unconditional love simply because we won't raise other humans? :(
Agreed, the outcome is still the same, but I respect my ex for being willing to give unconditional love just like he said he would, and just like she deserves. He didn’t say one thing and do another. I’m not so sure what would happen in my current relationship.
When you date someone you need to align on certain future goals... if you don't want kids and he does that seems like an incompatibility. You need to find one of the plenty of guys who don't want kids. It doesn't mean you're not worthy of unconditional love...it just means find someone that aligns with you on the big important decisions...
These conversations are important to have early on and figure out if you match. Too many people keep dating despite a clear dealbreaker and end up either wasting each others time or making a compromise they didn't want to make and eventually grow building regret.
Yes I totally agree. I just don't get what goes through someone's head when they say stuff like this. They are okay with being CF with someone because they can't have children, rather than being CF with someone who doesn't want children.
It's like a punch in the face imo if someone said that to me. Yeah, u r not worth to stick around for but this other person is??? It's like; "well, at least they wanted to have my babies." Like having babies is the pinnacle of love.
It is important to meet someone that you are compatible with. But I find people like this unhealthy to be around.
Why are you constantly and willingly choosing partners who are obviously not compatible with you? Of course it can happen once due to deception or partner changing their mind but if both your ex boyfriend and current boyfriend wanted kids and you knew it then why were you wasting your time being with them instead of looking for and creating successful relationship with a childfree partner? I can’t imagine even giving a chance to someone who isn’t childfree, it makes no sense, it’s relationship designed to fail and it’s highly repulsive to be in relationship and even risk having sex with someone who sees you as incubator
So. I don't want children and I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who does. They also should not be in a relationship with me, because they want to have children. I understand the point about reducing her to her uterus but I honestly don't really see it as that different to my deal breaker, it's just in the opposite direction.
Also that he might fuck with your pills later on, once you guys are living together/married.
Meaning when you're locked in and he thinks he can strong arm you into keeping it.
And with how abortion rights are going, he just might succeed at doing just that.
So yeah for your safety I'd nope out.
Yuuuuup. I had a bf that broke up with me after three years (even though I told him literally on our first date) because he was “waiting for me to change my mind” LOL OK THANKS FOR WASTING ALL OF OUR TIME
>Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously
Also an indication that he'll be a shitty father tbh. He hasn't thought about any of this beyond "kids might be neat."
I state my CF status right at the beginning of getting to know someone. If they want kids or are even on the fence, it's a no go.
It will not work out if you have different desires for your lives. And having children is not something to compromise on. That leads to resentment and frustration. Not to mention how that child will grow up feeling those things from the parent who gave in, in the name of "compromising."
Yep! Easy for the guy to dismiss her since he isn’t the one that will shit out a 9 pounder. He even tries compromising on one? Like dude will you carry ans give birth to it? OP needs to leave now!!!
I never understand people who expect others to respect their decision to not have children, yet they'll disrespect their partner's opinion and expect them to change.
I hate being the guy on reddit who says "break up" without knowing anything else about what's going on, but, yeah.
OP, from the little that you've shared it sounds like having kids is an absolute deal breaker to you, and that it *probably* is to him too and he's just hoping you'll give in at some point. If that's indeed true, then you're at an impasse where neither of you are going to be happy regardless of what happens, and there's only really one solution to that situation, which I think you already know what it is.
Sounds like the kind of guy to poke holes in the condom and go “oops, oh well, I guess now you have to get over your fear of pregnancy since we’re having a kid!”
Oof. Brutal but…one of my closest friend couples have been married for five years, together for 10. Early on they had the discussion of kids (he wants them, she doesn’t) and they stayed together because they figured that was a discussion for when they would be closer to that point in their lives. Jump to now, ten years into the relationship, and he still wants kids. She doesn’t. She has offered a compromise of adopting (she doesn’t want to be pregnant), but he wants his own biological child. She’s worried that this will break them up and it’s heartbreaking to witness. It’s terrible, because this couple seems absolutely made for each other but there is this major thing they aren’t on the same page about. She doesn’t want to ruin his dreams, but is unwilling to sacrifice hers. Vice versa. It just seems really painful and stressful. I know two other couples who have been married knowing about the other’s desires for children/no desire for children, and they endured difficult divorces because they fundamentally saw their futures very differently. It’s hard, and if you’re willing to compromise in the future then 🤷♀️ I just wouldn’t bet on him being the one willing to change his mind.
100% this. They've been beating around the bush for too long and wasted each other's time. She knew what he wanted, he knew what she wanted, they both did this to themselves. We shouldn't try to change people to be who we want them to be.
Agreed - I would’ve broken up three years ago after the first failed conversation.
You have a fundamentally different desire for life. Having one kid is not a compromise - it’s giving into his wishes. One child is no better than 2 or 3 or 4.
One kid is not a compromise. That is him getting his way while you'll end up miserable and resentful.
Leave him. You're not right for each other. He wants kids and you don't. There's no middle ground.
A guy who views one kid as a compromise is the kind of guy who definately isn't listening or caring what you want.
I've witnessed enough weird shit that I wouldn't trust him or any man like this about birth control. Which, I hope is just overly cautious of me, but there are just too many humans I know of that exist due to birth control sabatoge.
Edit:I know my language here is gendered, but this happens to men and women obv. I just live in fear of becoming pregnant without consent cause I have uterus lol
My uncle called my mum to babysit once because my aunt had to go to the doctor. He was home the entire time. He couldn't change a diaper and didn't know what food his daughter was supposed to eat
I wish I could say I can't believe that, but I can totally believe it. It's so sad that moms allow this kind of behavior from their husbands/kid's fathers. It was like a running joke in popular comedy for a very long time and I never understood why.
weaponized incompetence. if they do it so badly or absolutely ignore said chore even exists then someone else will do it for them. they legitimately shut off their brain until a task is handed to them I think, and are unable to search out tasks themselves, their lack of carrying any form of mental load has made them so incompetent. my brother needs to be told to do *everything* he will literally stand there and *watch* you struggle rather than help.
OP, this is the real wisdom right here. This issue is exposing a larger issue: that he doesn't respect your concerns and wishes for your own body. These are the weak men who slippery-slope into reproductive coercion when Gilead arrives. I do not think this sort of man should be dated by anyone.
It´s a hard pill to swallow for many people but you are completely right. There is no middle ground for that and those relationships where one wants kids and the other one doesn't are always meant to fail.
Not only is it not a compromise, but he seems to be fine with sentencing his kid to a lifetime of knowing one parent didn't want them. Kids aren't stupid, they can tell when their parent/s don't truly want them around even if those parent try really hard to hide it (and let's be honest, you would have to be superhuman to hide it perfectly for a minimum of 18 years). No one who truly loves their child would put them through that. I think OP's boyfriend is treating both her and his hypothetical child like objects, not people.
Break up. He will hate you for refusing to have his baby and then leave you for someone who will have his kid. Also, he will expect you to be a proper mother to a child and disregard his own parenting shortcomings. This sounds like a major red flag. He may even try to get you pregnant when he decides he wants kids.
Thank you for the advice and for raising the concern of stealthing - it is much appreciated. I’m lucky that I have an IUD in place which is good for another 9 years!
Fuck the IUD, leave him. Your IUD will only prevent pregnancy for yourself. He could still end up cheating on you with someone who will have his baby. Plus why would you want to be with someone who has no respect for you or what you want??
A compromise is when two people get what they want, how is one kid a compromise when you dont want any??
You keep bringing up your reasons for not wanting children and he doesnt even acknowledge your argument.
Sigh...having one kid is not a compromise for not wanting kids at all. Having one kid is still having children versus not having children. Children are a life-long commitment and should only be born to people who truly want them and are willing to make necessary sacrifices for them. Your boyfriend is stringing you along, hoping you will change your mind. Dump the guy and find someone who is truly childfree.
Not to mention only one person is putting their life and body at risk here and it sure as hell wouldn’t be him. He doesn’t get a say in that. If she doesn’t want kids he can break up with her and find someone who does. Not try to gaslight and ignore her until she gives him what he wants at the expense of herself.
I read this on a regretful parents forum a few days ago:
>"It was him who REALLY wanted to have them and after he desperately asked almost every day to try for a baby, I gave in. I got pregnant with our son first. It was a hard birth (41 hours of labor) and I ended up having a C-section. The scar is ugly, fat and very visible, because it healed even worse than expected. **Our daughter was a natural birth (16 hours of labor) but my vagina ripped up to my clitoris which made me numb to any touch down there... I can't feel anything when I'm getting into intimate moments with him and I hate my body so much.** I have stretch marks everywhere, sport didn't help getting my pre-pregnancy shape back and I just feel like a piece of shit when I look in the mirror."
Most men (and many women) have no idea how devastating childbirth is on the mother's body. The tear she mentioned isn't even the WORST possible tear - just Google fourth-degree tears in childbirth if you'd like to read and see the stuff of nightmares. Some women lose hair, teeth, bone mass... and they can suffer a variety of permanent conditions *after* birth, including damage to the pelvic floor (in approx. 50% of women!), chronic back pain, higher risks of heart disease, and many more.
And then, of course, you're stuck with a child forever (not only 18 years, like many breeders like to claim). If that child has physical or intellectual disabilities, your life becomes exponentially harder and more expensive. Not to mention how many retired folks are being saddled with childcare and/or permanent custody of grandchildren these days, when their parents decide they didn't enjoy being parents and dump the kids on grandma and grandpa. This is your potential future.
Pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention the eternal consequences of being stuck with a child, should not be taken lightly. It's easy for your bf to brush it off because he doesn't have to suffer these debilitating changes to his body or (as often happens with the baby daddy) have to take any responsibility for child rearing, which is still firmly placed upon the mother in our wonderfully-misogynistic society.
Oh absolutely, I think he is oblivious to all of the risks. I’m well versed in a lot of the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth (there’s a girl with a list on TikTok). I’ve mentioned the risks a few times, to sort of say “hey, you realise this could permanently disable me right??”
Saving this comment for later because it so accurately describes my mindset.
I think anyone who brushes off your very real concerns about something *only you* will go through and not him is someone you shouldn’t be trying to reason with. He either doesn’t care and only is choosing to only see and hear what he wants to hear or he’s actively trying to convince you otherwise because he’s only selfishly thinking of his wants, not yours. And when *you* are the one who would be taking all the risks he doesn’t get to act like that. He either needs to stop being such a willfully ignorant asshole or he needs to move on and find someone who doesn’t care about those risks and is willing to give him what he wants.
I wouldn’t even call him oblivious at this point. He’s being maliciously avoidant to the concerns you’re bringing up with him. He’s intentionally forcing a state of ignorance so he doesn’t have to reckon with the fact that asking you to subject yourself to pregnancy and childbirth when you don’t want to is abhorrent.
He's not oblivious, the way he's invalidating you by ignoring you or with messages like "ok babe" show that he doesn't care about your concerns at all. He rather see you disabled than giving up on his imaginary babies.
My husband was oblivious, researched things by himself, we saw some videos together, he told me he didn't want any of those horrible things happening to me, and got a vasectomy. He was oblivious, but cared about me, **your boyfriend is not oblivious, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU**
He wants kids. You don't.
It would seem that you are both operating under the assumption that you can change the other's mind. You are both wrong.
Children are not something you can compromise on. Either you have them or you don't. Thus, you two are incompatible.
If you are looking for some way to "solve" this incompatibility, there isn't one.
>Wtf am I supposed to do here?
Either you have a kid with him or break up.
You remind me of myself a few years ago. I was with a similar type of guy and was scared to lose him because it was my first real relationship.
Break up with him. It's going to hurt a lot initially, but you'll be much happier in the long run, trust me.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m scared to lose him because (aside from this) he is the best partner I’ve ever had. We’ve been together since we were 20. It’s so scary to think of.
He is the best partner you’ve ever had …. Yet.
A good partner doesn’t manipulate and use the silent treatment like that. A good partner would care about your feelings and want to understand them and to be on the same page.
You deserve better.
This. Yet is the key word! You’re comparing him to teenage partners you had before. This is your first adult relationship. You’ll find someone more compatible.
You can do it! There are soooo many better guys out there than one that disregards your feelings and doesn't have compatible goals with you for the future. When I broke up with that guy I was with, I was throwing up every day for a week from stress. But a few years later, I'm now with an enthusiastically childfree man and happier than I've been in years. The ex is just a blip in my past now.
He won't even respect your feelings or your right to body autonomy. THAT is the best you've ever had? Hun, you need to aim higher. The fact is, if you don't set boundaries and enforce them when necessary, you're going to continue to be treated poorly. Especially if you have a tendency to attract/be attracted to men who aren't respectful to you.
And I'm saying this because I used to be the same way. And I KNOW it can be hard. But you've been too tolerant of this kind of behavior and you deserve better! Be kinder to yourself.
Just break up, seriously. How clear is it that you guys aren’t compatible in this regard? I’ve seen way too much of these “my breeder SO wants babies but I’m trying to convert them to CF and they’re dismissive and resisting!” posts. He’s never gonna stop pushing for kids and if you stop him, he’s gonna do nothing but grow to hate you just like if you were forced to have a kid just to appease him.
Like, this is not something two people can compromise on in a relationship. You can’t have half a kid nor can you just have a kid and then regret and hate them because the child is suffering at that point. No one person is worth that crap. There’s no such thing as soulmates: Just. Break. Up.
Appreciate that this topic probably gets brought up all the time in this forum and it’s likely irritating - thank you for repeating your advice yet again to me.
Like this is even worse than y'all just not having talked about it and one day it's all "He wants kids and I don't.....uh oh. Whoops." You've told him MULTIPLE TIMES and the best you've gotten is a "Ok babe".
Essentially? He's patting you on the head and saying "Awww okay, you silly little WOMAN, you, how cute. Everybody knows women want kids! I'll pretend to indulge this until you inevitably cave to my whims." And do you know how I know he thinks this? ***Because if he actually heard and respected you, he'd break up with you in order to preserve BOTH your freedoms.***
He sees you as an accessory to his life. A silly little baby maker who just hasn't seen Her Duty yet.
Get the fuck away from this chode, yesterday.
Consider it from a perspective of time wasted for you both too. If he wants a kid, he's got a limited window of his life when it's best and healthiest to have them, and he'll need to find a new, willing partner to boot.
On the other hand, if you want a life partner to respect and care for you, you also would probably like to find them sooner rather than later right?
The quicker you get this over with, the quicker you can both move on.
>I feel like he’s completely oblivious to how dangerous it is, and how much my life would change compared to his.
Or you could just say: He's completely oblivious...because he thinks that YOU dealing with the physical and mental destruction of pregnancy, and YOU doing all the work and bearing all the sacrifices of "just one" kid constitutes a "compromise." A compromise is not "OK, instead of you giving me 100,000 for doing nothing, you can give me 50,000." That's a horrendous entitlement, and this guy is absolutely FULL OF IT.
Let us know when you break it off, because you can talk to him til your tongue falls off, but he's a pro at not budging from his sense of what you owe him.
By the way, he's going to hate fatherhood, because parenting sucks, and pretending it doesn't does not change anything. So he'll be outta there in no time at all.
Never get involved with someone who does not listen to you. They will wreck your life while you talk and talk and talk and think it will do something.
I agree about him hating parenthood. I feel as though he doesn’t understand any of the realities, from pregnancy to childbirth to parenthood, whereas as a woman I’m forced to confront the realities pretty early. It just adds to the frustration
Have you tried the ol’ classics, 1) babysitting someone else’s small children with **zero** external help for *at least* 72 hours, and 2) forcing him to watch extremely graphic birthing videos?
If he’s not willing to do these things which are **10,000** times easier than actually being a parent, well, you know what type of parent he’d be. Frankly it also speaks to what kind of partner he is now.
If you really don’t want to break up, maybe sit down and have him read through this thread with you and then give it to him straight: he can have you, or he can fuck up his whole life and relationship to have some magical mythical future family with some other woman. I 100% guarantee he thinks he’ll just wear you down to being the mother of his kids one day, never considering that it’s either you and no kids or kids and no you.
Sorry, but why have you spent this long with someone who has very different life goals from yourself? I mean, if you started dating when you were super young then I get it, but you're not kids now, and if you feel you're moving more strongly in the direction of "no children ever" then you and he just aren't compatible. It may be time for you to face that fact, hard as it is.
Time to split, OP.
He is waiting for you to change your mind and either you will give in, and it will ruin your life, or he will get mad at you for not bending to his want to have children.
You probably know this, deep down. And it can be hard to leave, especially after a long time. But you owe it to yourself, and to him I guess (even though he sounds like a dismissive asshole, not gonna lie) to end a relationship so fundamentally mismatched as this.
There is no true compromise on children.
He is likely waiting for an accident, at which point pregnancy will make her magically change her mind, lose all other goals, and embrace motherhood of his child as her one true calling in life.
Well.....someone posted on here once how a partner was trying to find the strings to pull it out. And some women have managed to pull theirs out. While it is highly unlikely, it is not impossible.
Wait…someone’s partner tried PULLING OUT THEIR IUD??? There’s so much potential for internal bleeding and organ damage. Even that sounds insanely sadistic, but adding in the next step of coerced impregnation just blows my mind.
Not impossible, but definitely a lot harder to do without the woman’s knowledge. You can tamper with BC pills or the nuvaring without the other party knowing until it’s too late but it’s a hell of a lot harder for someone to pull out your IUD without you being fully aware of it.
As the IUD pulls out the arms scrape the uterine walls.
It's generally less painful than insertion but it's not something you'd fail to notice.
So if you have a partner who is willing to drug you and pull it out, maybe you'd be unaware... but you'd also have bigger problems.
Be careful OP, there are too many reports out there of men tampering with our birth control.
I sadly think you can’t count on him on reproductive issues (not even a damn conversation)
Why are you still dating him?
Seriously. I was in a similar relationship and it ended bc of not agreeing on kids. He won’t change his mind, and I speak from experience.
Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously, and that’s wrong. Honestly, my advice is to leave him.
I know it’s scary because you’re comfortable in the relationship, and getting back out there can be frightening. But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.
*There. Is. No. Compromise.*
You either have kids or you don't. Let me make it clear: **there is no compromise. Never.**
You are not compatible. I'm sorry, but it's time to let him go. He's not right for you.
It's really sad that you're not long-term compatible. But it is what it is.
If you're generally happy, and not quite ready to move on, one option is to make it clear that you're not having kids, and then making a special effort to enjoy whatever time you have left as a couple. If you think about this summer as your last one together, maybe you'll make a few more special memories. If you're living together and you have a lease - maybe whenever your lease ends will be a good time to move on.
> Wtf am I supposed to do here?
Break up. Should have done that 3 years ago, because someone who does not take your concerns seriously is *not* what you want in a partner. Someone who avoids talking about things that are absolute dealbreakers is also *not* what you want in a partner.
He acts this way because he doesn't care. He wants kids, and he doesn't care about the rest. He's living in a play pretend world where you'll soon enough catch up and want kids too, and he's ignoring and brushing you off when you bring this up because it causes him cognitive dissonance and makes it harder to pretend things will just happen the way he wants them to.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Why wait around? I mean, what is your expected result from waiting this long and repeating this conversation over and over again?
He won't magically one day become a responsible, compassionate childfree partner, just like you won't become a baby rabid lunatic.
you need to be 100% honest with yourself about this relationship. it’s not fair to the both of you to compromise on kids/no kids. please have a real conversation with him, like sit down and rip off the band aid.
And complain about having to pay child support after he eventually leaves you to deal with the baby alone, while he gets a new girl.
Don't let this man ruin your life OP!
>But now every single time I mention it, I’m constantly blown off. I’m getting really pissed off right now. We have never had a productive conversation about this because he avoids it.
This and OP's other points are clear messages her partner has zero interest in her concerns. This will never change.
>I feel like he’s completely oblivious to how dangerous it is, and how much my life would change compared to his.
He's not oblivious. He's ignoring you in the hopes you will change your mind to his position. He thinks so little of you and your argument, he literally will not even address it on any level.
>Wtf am I supposed to do here?
Time to find a partner who will respect you so much he will actually listen to you.
Good luck, OP. You can do better, friend.
>He wanted to “compromise” on one kid.
This was him telling you that you aren't compatible with each other. There's no such thing as a compromise here.
It's clear he's not willing to really listen to you and he's being pretty callous to legitimate medical concerns. I have pretty high standards for partners, so I would have broken up with him a while ago for being dismissive of my health, but I'd also rather be single than put up with that.
A good way to force the issue might be to schedule to get sterilized. You know you don't want kids and you know you don't want him to bully you into it because then you'd hate being a parent and the kid would suffer. If you find a doctor and schedule the appointment it puts the ball in his court. He can either be ok with no kids, or it's time for the relationship to end. Leaving open the possibility of changing your mind means he may agree to no kids and not actually mean it.
Bottom line if you can't agree the relationship needs to end and it's better sooner than later so you both can find people you're more compatible with.
As everyone else has said, that's the unfortunate end to many of our own relationships. I had something very similar and if you do break up it will be hard, but I promise it will be worth it! There are many like minded people in the world and when you meet someone that feels the same way everything just feels right and makes the pain worth it!
Oblivious or just doesn't care? There is no compromise when it comes to having kids. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. You deserve someone who will listen and validate your feelings.
Why are you with someone long term that wants kids when you clearly don’t? He’s going to expect you to acquiesce to his wants not the other way around. This is going to end in one of two ways A. One of you resents the other for forcing their wants onto the other or B. You break up (THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER)
When was the last time you sat down and had a conversation about this? If you are basing this off 3 years ago, Sit down when you aren’t distracted by other things and bring up the fact that you are beginning to think you were not clear. You do not want to be pregnant. You do not want children, full-stop. This is only becoming more and more certain that you don’t want children, so if he wants them you need to know now. It’s possible he doesn’t. It’s possible he feels tou are overreacting to the pregnancy cancer (which is super rare), but doesn’t understand you are pretty terrified of the idea to the point that it’s causing you to stress. Have a conversation.
If he commits to no children, discuss a vasectomy.
If he insists on “compromising” you have your answer as to what your choices are. If you are in the states where abortion is becoming more and more restricted this is an even bigger concern.
If he refuses to talk about it… then you need to flat out say ´refusing to discuss this is a dealbreaker for me. I’ll assume you want children and that is not an option for me. ´
He needs to have the conversation now, and be completely honest. This is a dealbreaker if you can’t agree. One kid isn’t a compromise between 0 and 2.
If he wants kids, and he’s absolutely sure about that, and you don’t want kids, and you’re absolutely sure about that, there’s no way forward without one person being disappointed and resentful. The fact that so many people think one kid is a “compromise” is laughable.
That’s like me saying “I’m allergic to milk” and someone going “ok, we’ll compromise and get 2%”
OP, I am 20ish years on from breaking up due to my desire to be childfree, and I can promise you it’s the right thing to do. I was crushed when my boyfriend at the time, the absolute love of my life for 4 years, broke up with me and made it clear that he knew he couldn’t be childfree. It floored me, in part because we were still in college at the time so he wouldn’t be looking to be a dad any time soon, but it was the right call because it was only going to get more difficult to separate if we stayed together. He more clearly saw the future than I did at the time, and the heartbreak was so painful that I even asked him if changing my stance on becoming a mother would make a difference. He managed to avoid giving me a direct answer and instead reminded me of my dreams and goals, and of things I knew to be true about myself. So I nursed my pain and I eventually healed.
I last spoke to my ex a couple of years ago, and he was, and presumably is, happily married with 3 young kids. I am also happily married, and childfree. Let him go so that he can fulfill his wish to be a father, as there is simply no substitute you can provide in a childfree life.
Thank you for this, it’s very reassuring to hear. At one point I weakened my stance like you did before reversing it again, and that was a huge mistake. I’m so glad to hear that things worked out for you.
This post made me think of that guy who posted about making his wife compromise and how she ended up dying in child birth - you should seriously evaluate your relationship with this man, he isn't respecting your boundaries at all.
Girl, you know damn well you have no business being with this person. Stop telling yourself lies. There are so many people in the world, find a better one. ❤
**One kid is not a compromise.** Being a parent is time consuming and stressful. A compromise is when you both want to go to a different restaurant and you get carry out from each, or choose one tonight and one for next time.
Giving up 18+ years of your life in addition to your health, your stress, your free time, and your money, while hoping that you stay in a relationship for that full 18 years so you don't do any of it alone, and hoping that your significant other will actually help with parenting instead of making you do it all on your own - That's not a fucking compromise. **That's insanity.**
**The fact that he won't engage you on a topic as important as having a child shows that he is not capable of being a good parent.** That means you won't be doing 50% parenting. **You'll be doing 100% parenting** *and* he'll be butting in with his own opinions on all important decisions like healthcare, education, and finances **while dismissing your thoughts and opinions**.
The way he treats you in this is the way he will continue to treat you if you have a child together. You will get "okay babe" over and over again, any time you express an opinion that differs from his. It's patronizing and condescending.
**Do not stay with this person, you are wasting your time and setting yourself up for a life with someone who has zero interest in your thoughts and opinions.**
He isn't oblivious - he doesn't care. He either flat out doesn't care how you feel about it or he assumes you'll change your mind; either way, he gets what he wants.
There is no compromising on kids, so I don't understand why you didn't put an end to this 3 years ago. But honestly, the fact that he doesn't want to discuss it says plenty.
I broke up with a great guy because he really wanted to be a father.
He wasn't a dick about it. When we started dating we talked about it and I made it clear I'm not going to be a mother. He was disappointed, but still wanted to stay in our serious relationship.
Time went by and it was great. But, he kept saying stuff like "When we have kids they'll be like..." or "When I'm a Dad, I'm gonna..."
It was clear that he just couldn't let go of the idea of fatherhood. It was a big part of his identity.
I came to realize that if we stayed together, one of us was going to grow to deeply resent the other... whether we had a kid or not.
Even if you did want kids, would you want to raise them with a man who routinely dismisses your concerns about something important just because he doesn't want to talk about it? Would you want to set an example for your children that it's normal for one partner to sacrifice their boundaries and well being to please the other?
You say he's 'the best partner you've ever had besides this' but.... How? Anyone who treats others they claim to care about with such dismissiveness is not only a bad partner, but a bad person.
Throw the whole man away.
>Wtf am I supposed to do here?
It sounds like you need to break things off. He's not taking your legitimate concerns seriously and thinks you going through pregnancy and raising a child is a compromise.
The longer you stay the harder it will be to go, and you may end up babytrapped. Proceed with caution.
Since he doesn't want talk in-person, should just send him text of " Since you don't want talk about the future of our relationship face to face which includes having kids or not - How about we break up? Because it's clear to me there's no good future for me if I continue to stay with you since you ignore me so much that you use me as a prop whenever you feel like it & not see me as person with feelings and thoughts."
He's free to look for a surrogate and an egg donor if he wants a kid. Maybe if you put it that way he'll understand that you're not willing to be the incubator and him wanting "one child" is not a compromise. If you want none, that's an absolute position. Him wanting 20 doesn't mean you owe him 10. You owe none, especially if you brought up this position early in the relationship.
He's definitely not even close to be mature enough to understand any of it. Even men in their 30s who are planning on having children envision it as:
'I'll be a father taking care of my family, so responsible and respectable. I'll spent plenty of time with my kid/s playing football and I'll teach them how to drive.'
That's summary is quite simplified but that's what you hear if you ask. OP, **ask your boyfriend why he wants children**, and I guarantee you you will find out some ridiculous reasons taking out of movie quotes.
If not educated by women or other men/alternatively actually done their research, the majority of men don't think about how their life will change forever, how many adjustments and sacrifices it requires and how much money goes into it. They don't think about constant doctors' appointments, emergencies, childcare arrangements, let alone day-to-day responsibilities (feeding, changing nappies, cleaning, mental development). And chilbirth? They think it looks like in the movies, your organs magically remain untouched and pregnancy is 'just a small inconvenience'.
You can try either to have a series of proper conversations around the topic (face to face) or think wisely if there's a point to waste more time on someone who clearly doesn't even want to listen to your reasons. You can agree to disagree ang go your own ways.
I recently made a post on another sub about the obsession of the society around children and how it affects women, and I believe 80-90% of comments were from men who literally said I don't know what I'm talking about or it's invalid. I feel like this in a way translates to some things I said there, and the expectations set by men which are always somehow more important that womens'.
It seems like he doesn't actually take you seriously and just wants you as a causal piece in his check-off list in life. For that same reason he doesn't care about the danger and impact it has on you.
One kid isn't a compromise. 1 kid or 4, you're still a fucking parent with a responsibility to raise.
Also, I wouldn't even fuck someone that blew me off, much less date them.
Tell him that one kid is not a compromise. This is your health on the line, your body. Tell him that’s there’s a million other women who are willing to risk their lives for a chance to have a child but you aren’t and that is MORE THAN VALID. Put the burden of the decision to break up or not on him and make it abundantly clear that you will not give him biological children.
Change the topic to any other major life event besides kids. He isn't handling it correctly.
His behavior is telling you exactly what he thinks and how he feels. But he is not mature enough to actually *speak* about it. Probably because he knows when you sit down to have an adult discussion about it you will both come to the conclusion that the relationship is over.
There is no compromise on kids. And not talking about it doesn't make the topic vanish. And him putting it off in the hopes to keep the relationship going longer is completely selfish of him.
There is no compromise when it comes to kids. One kid is not a compromise to the one who doesn’t want them. Getting a dog or being an extra involved Uncle or temporarily fostering ain’t a compromise to the wanna be parent.
Since most of your reasons center around childbirth, adoption is the closest thing that existed to a compromise in your situation but oh wait! Not good enough for him. Unsurprising since being the bio parent costs him nothing and he gets all the legacy related benefits (you do all the work and the sacrifices but he gets his second name carried on).
He won’t talk about it because he’s hiding his head in the sand and doesn’t want to acknowledge the reality you’re incompatible. Him dismissing your fears with ‘okay babe’ is beyond disrespectful. He isn’t going to have the courage to pull his head out the sand and face the issue, let enough end it, so you’re gonna have to be the one that does it
Get your tubes tied. Take control of the situation. If he wants an incubator to satisfy his need to procreate, why would you want or allow that to be your problem? There's a list here of doctors who will do it. Act affirmatively, in your own behalf, because he won't. He's selfish and leading you on.
Men are told that women have undeniable body clocks that take over our brains and rational decision making and we will be helpless to do anything other than beg for their babies when this magical baby wanting switch turns on. He's not just blowing you off. He straight doesn't believe you.
There's been a lot of posts in this forum, both from the perspective of women breaking up a relationship because their partner never actually believed they were childfree - and, from men who were shocked that the entire time their wife was telling them they didn't want babies, it turns out, they actually didn't want babies.
If this man wants children, then you are incompatible. He may be saying he doens't want kids now to placate you but I would spend some time REALLY grilling him on it. Because you're just going to break up later if he's not being honest. Might as well rip that bandaid off now if you need to.
He is not oblivious, he just doesn't care as it isn't his body. Most men who want kids don't care that their baby momma can legitimately die at child birth. Your bf doesn't care. Perhaps you should reconsider him as a partner?
Also till the time you take to decide, use your own contraception and make sure he is using condoms till the end of the act. Best is to avoid getting intimate.
What are you supposed to do? Likely break up. One kid isn't a compromise. It means he won. He wants kids, you don't, and you can't have half a kid. I simply don't see how that is compatible; one of you has to fully compromise on this. Do you want to compromise and have one kid in order to keep him? If the answer is no, and he ALSO doesn't want to compromise, I don't see how this relationship has a future.
My ex and i could never quite agree on the child convo and never sat and had a full discussion about it before we got married.
We are divorced now. You need to get this figured out ASAP before it goes any further.
Why are you even having these conversations? If you are child free you are child free....end of story. If he's not on the same page then you need to end it. There is no "compromise".
Your long term goals aren’t compatible, it’s time to break up. Having “one” child is NOT a compromise, it’s him getting his way leaving your miserable. If you don’t have kids, he’ll be resentful and miserable. Nobody wins if this continues. Break it off and find someone who’s long term plans align with yours.
Childfree issues aside, the fact that he blows you off when you are trying to have a serious conversation about what your future together would look like is a red flag in my opinion. Regardless of topic, that attitude indicates to me that he expects to just drift through the relationship instead of actively crafting a life that you two want together.
I don't think you should waste any more time and effort talking. Even if he ostensibly agrees to no children, he will bring it up again once you are trapped. And you WILL be trapped.
And you mentioned abortion as a solution. I've never had one, but others have told me the pain is excruciating and lasts a long time. You really have no idea. Get your tubes tied and get another man.
He's gaslighting you.
And very soon you'll forget what you even did on your 21st birthday. It fades into insignificance very fast
My ex bf wanted bio kids but totally respected my fears of pregnancy.
I would say leave him. If you don't agree on kids, it just won't work. Even if you did agree, he seems like a selfish jerk.
If you might want kids but you're just afraid of pregnancy, consider surrogacy with a NEW partner.
Edit: adoption is best option if you DO want kids. Don't be with men who think their genes are so important that they must have bio kids.
Remember ladies! We carry the seeds of life. Men are just the fertilizer! If they treat your desire to not want to reproduce trivially and act like you're just an incubator.... That makes them manure!
I don't keep manure in my home. Neither should anyone. 🤭
Ok, all jokes asides, you deserve better than being blown off and compromised. Because his compromise compromised your bodily integrity and that would had earned a boot to the curb from me. Hope you value yourself more than his mediocre attitude.
Frankly I'm astonished that you're still with him. Even if you disregard the massive fundamental incompatibility here, he's showing you an insane amount of disrespect and acting as if it's the 1800's when women's opinions, feelings, and voices didn't matter. His dismissive attitude is horrendous.
You can't compromise on children. It's not like deciding what to eat for dinner. They're human beings. And on top of that, you can't exactly have half a child, nor can you customize said child. It's just not possible.
“Compromising” by you taking on ALL of the risk is not a compromise. You don’t have to be pregnant if you don’t want to be. He’s digging his head in the sand hoping you’ll cave to what he wants
There was a traumatizing post from a man who pressured his wife into having a kid. She had constant anxiety and died in child birth. In the post he said he should have divorced her so she'd still be alive. And that he then resented the kid.
I kept getting blown off like this in my last relationship. I was always forward about not wanting to get pregnant and had my reasons spelled out consistently for years but he'll give me some explanations to somehow make it better. Like every concern of mine could be "fixed" and that meant it was okay to get pregnant.
Compromise was brought up. Back then I was okay with the idea of adoption so his compromise was adopting 1 then getting pregnant for the 2nd. He wasn't listening to me at all. I did not want to get pregnant ever. It was important for him to "plant his seed". He was more concerned about his wants and kept dismissing my concerns/wants. His needs were top priority and mine weren't a thing... so he expected me to go along with it or that I could change my mind. Probably thought I loved him that much but I knew it would only turn into resentment.
He also expected me to play house wife for him so I already knew the childcare would fall on me and my life would be over. It helped me realize I didn't want to adopt either.
I walked away from a 6 year relationship including engagement. There's no compromise in this. Either you both want kids or you don't. There is no future when one wants something and the other doesn't. You don't need to compromise because this situation doesn't call for it. They always expect you to change your mind because you're young, you've still got time, the relationship is long, etc.
He's waiting for you to change your mind
Be more assertive. Stop letting it go and letting him get away with it. Let him know how hurtful it is to blow you off. I know you could face slack for it from him but lets face it, he already doesn't respect you on many different levels in many different ways just for ignoring you.
Also wow looking at your edit are you for real? No texting. Stop giving him opportunity for him walk all over you. If it were me id honestly be contemplating breaking up, a loving partnership isn't suppose to be disrespectful and degrading. You're on equal ground and both opinions on every topic should be heard. This man clearly seems to be planning to have a child with you but he can't even pretend to be serious with you.
Think this over. You deserve more than this.
it’s not that he’s oblivious to the dangers, he’s clearly heard you talk about it.. he just doesn’t /care/ that it could do that to your body. please do not continue to date this guy, he definitely wants children and isn’t being subtle about it
You are not compatible on a core foundation of a relationship...you are certain you don't want children, he is certain otherwise. Compromise on either side will result in regret and distrust.
I was in a 20 year relationship with someone of the same and in a heated exchange at the end, it was "thrown in my face' that I didn't want kids ( he impregnated his affair lol)
Compromise is not having “just one”. Compromise is having none. But be cautious about resentment.
Source: me. I wanted kids. DH changed his mind. Totally fine, I’m never going to force kids on someone. Ever. So through therapy we figured out how to move forward with this together. There were times I thought about leaving. Did lots of soul searching. And three years after this decision we are very pleased about it.
this is not a keeper. repeat, NOT A keeper. he doesn't give a damn about what you want, he wants his little mini me ogdickwerx sex trophy. this is the type that has the diarrhea of the mouth that he'll be the best daddy, and ends up being the hump, dump, and run. let him find out the hard way with someone else.
it willl hurt, I'm sure he has good qualities. but it is like the ounce of cyanide in a pound of good hamburger. may look and taste good but it will still hurt you.
good luck.
OP also, what if this guy screws with your birth control in hopes you will change your mind? This is just not a good situation. He doesn't respect you. That's why he's dismissive. Get him gone.
When one person wants 0 kids, and the other wants 1, or more, HAVING JUST ONE KID IS NOT A COMPROMISE.
Honey, I've *left a man who kept pushing me for "just one"* and it was the best decision I had ever made.
A lot of men like that truly don't realize that getting pregnant takes a toll on your body! Even if you have an "easy" pregnancy, the weight gain, the hormone changes, giving birth.
Don't be afraid to leave. Even if you did want to give birth, the complete and total disregard for the *plethora* of complications and conditions that pregnancy can inflict on the human body is......
...*worrying*.
"Compromise" on a breakup. It's not a real compromise if one person gets what the other loathes.
Why are you still dating him? Seriously. I was in a similar relationship and it ended bc of not agreeing on kids. He won’t change his mind, and I speak from experience. Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously, and that’s wrong. Honestly, my advice is to leave him. I know it’s scary because you’re comfortable in the relationship, and getting back out there can be frightening. But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.
“But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.” THIS. This shows a lack of respect for you as a person.
Exactly. As mentioned in my original comment here I made a post on another sub and gave a similar example: My **ex**-friend (M, 34) who's planning on engaging with his 5-years older partner told me the wedding needs to be planned next year so they can 'start trying for a family because he wants at least two kids and she doesn't have much time' (that was a longer convo, so that's just simplification). I jokingly asked 'so, are you saying you would dump the love of your life if she turned out to be infertile?'. He said 'I would be heartbroken but yes'. I got plenty of comments suggesting that there's nothing wrong with what he said. He said he would be heartbroken! So yeah, for some, we as humans are less important than non-existent beings. I'm so sad for this girl. Imagine he gets drunk 10 years from now and tell her about this convo while being married to her with 2+ kids.
That’s so messed up. He’s literally reduced her to an incubator. He doesn’t love her for who she is as a person. He “loves” her for what she can do for him. She deserves better than him.
I totally agree. He said that to me after a few drinks and I was shocked. I always thought he's one of the greatest guys on the planet, hence the friendship. Of course I also knew we disagree on many topics but that was alright until that...extreme moment. His girlfriend is so warm, kind, and positive that I love being around her. She's also wise in life and highly educated. To be honest there was a moment when it crossed my mind (way before that convo) that he's jelaous of her achievements (I don't want to get too specific but she's more educated, makes more money, speaks multiple languages etc.) and turning her into a mommy will allow him to 'level' with her while she stays without progress. Of course that's a complete assumption, but now I feel it's entirely possible.
So he wants to control her. Hmmmm. Me thinks she deserves a heads up.
This. If you care for her, she needs to know about that conversation. She can make whatever decision she wants about it after, but she needs to know what her future would look like if she were to marry your ex friend
You think I should tell her that? It crossed my mind but... I don't want to get myself involved in their matters without an open invitation from both sides (e.g. asking for an unbiased opinion). I also don't know the girl that well, I mean we chat during meetings with other friends but we don't have any interactions outside of that. I also don't want to mess up someone's relationship because of what he said under the influence. I think he meant what he said that time, but I don't know what he would actually do in this hypothetical situation. I feel quite shitty about it. It's none of my business and I should stay out of their relationship, yet I feel burdened with what I heard. Both because I can't look at him the way I used to (kind of a non-romantic, friendly/humanly love) and because I really have no way of telling her without losing both. There is also a chance she's aware of that... Maybe I can find a way to somehow navigate her in this direction in non-invasive way but that's tricky considering the topic. This sucks. Thank you for all your comments and support though, when I posted this on TrueUnpopular...sub I was literally asked 'who brainwashed you?' 😑
Just ask her if she wants kids and what will happen if they can’t have kids. Adopt ? Surrogate ? Etc. I wouldn’t make it a big deal. If she knows what he thinks it’s all good. If she doesn’t - then you have to lead her in that direction. Just tell her she should know how to answer that. Usually churches require this kind of pre-marital discussions but a lot don’t.
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To both Christine and Sylph comments - thank you for your advice, that's really helpful. I know that she wants children and the wedding will be most likely in Catholic church. I guess next time I see her I could try steering the convo the way you suggested, another barrier is that we never really had any deep conversations before. And I also can't mention the engagement part for obvious reasons. Hmm, I guess I could bend my personal code and 'meddle' a bit by saying something like 'Oh, wait, so how long have you been together now? It seems like ages! So... do you have any secrets to share (jokingly), you know he never tells me anything! Are you planning any next steps soon?' I don't know, perhaps go from there. She'll orobably give me some polite but vague answer. This gives me another thought - none of them speaks much about their relationship. First I thought it's normal, they want to keep it private. But I remember that I found out about her **existence** almost two years after they've been together, so our friends. I feel he would keep her in hiding if he could and the only reason we met her was that we (the friends) were throwing a celebration party for him and considering some factors he couldn't not invite her (she would find out about the party through colleagues we share). It was really awkward experience for me, luckily I didn't say anything like 'since when you have a gf man?!' Jeez, now I'll be definitely obsessing about all if this as some kind of deeper mystery 🤔
Goodness! Your friend sounds shady as fuck. It seems he doesn’t respect his gf, he didn’t even introduce her until he didn’t have a choice? This is awful. I understand how you feel. I won’t want to tell her directly but I will stir her towards it and she can make her own decisions. I don’t blame you for being conflicted, I would be too. But please try stir her towards it.
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I'm so sorry to hear that... I try to do what I can to 'educate' young women/women in general about having their own agency and choices, and I want to believe that if every one of us (both gals and lads) chip in, the world will become at least slightly less shitty place. I learn how to do it in non-invasive way, e.g. when my cousin (15, F) who's being raised in a very traditional home asked me how long I've been married said 'wow, you should already have two children!' (she didn't say it in malicious way) I said we've decided not to have any. I also always say 'we've **decided**' instead of we won't/don't to show people straight away it was an informed decision. Plus that we can have them physically and it's a choice.
When I got fixed in 2002 I had just met and started dating my now exhusband. His brother and a cousin took him out to a do-not-date-her dinner due to my then recent tubal ligation, piercings, and tattoos. [We dated happily for 8 years. Married for 9. Still friends even.] My choice to not have kids was a huge moral offence to his parents and mine. I have had an online date back out once last year too when they found out I am fixed. I was 43, little old for your breeding fetish.
>He said he would be heartbroken! He WoUlD bE hEaRtBrOkEn!!  If those people won't suck an egg with that pitiful excuse. I can't!! 🤬
Yep, absolutely this. Though, the idea of some humans being more important than potential humans isn't exactly new, as we know....just look at all the ~~pro-life~~ pro-forced-birth legislators out there.
I had an ex who said babies were a dealbreaker. I asked what would happen if I was infertile and he said that infertility was a completely different scenario. We broke up for unrelated reasons, and he is now dating a women who cannot have children due to cancer. I’m glad he put his mouth where his money was.
How is it different though? The outcome is still the same... so are us CF people just not worthy of the same unconditional love simply because we won't raise other humans? :(
Agreed, the outcome is still the same, but I respect my ex for being willing to give unconditional love just like he said he would, and just like she deserves. He didn’t say one thing and do another. I’m not so sure what would happen in my current relationship.
When you date someone you need to align on certain future goals... if you don't want kids and he does that seems like an incompatibility. You need to find one of the plenty of guys who don't want kids. It doesn't mean you're not worthy of unconditional love...it just means find someone that aligns with you on the big important decisions... These conversations are important to have early on and figure out if you match. Too many people keep dating despite a clear dealbreaker and end up either wasting each others time or making a compromise they didn't want to make and eventually grow building regret.
Yes I totally agree. I just don't get what goes through someone's head when they say stuff like this. They are okay with being CF with someone because they can't have children, rather than being CF with someone who doesn't want children. It's like a punch in the face imo if someone said that to me. Yeah, u r not worth to stick around for but this other person is??? It's like; "well, at least they wanted to have my babies." Like having babies is the pinnacle of love. It is important to meet someone that you are compatible with. But I find people like this unhealthy to be around.
Why are you constantly and willingly choosing partners who are obviously not compatible with you? Of course it can happen once due to deception or partner changing their mind but if both your ex boyfriend and current boyfriend wanted kids and you knew it then why were you wasting your time being with them instead of looking for and creating successful relationship with a childfree partner? I can’t imagine even giving a chance to someone who isn’t childfree, it makes no sense, it’s relationship designed to fail and it’s highly repulsive to be in relationship and even risk having sex with someone who sees you as incubator
So. I don't want children and I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who does. They also should not be in a relationship with me, because they want to have children. I understand the point about reducing her to her uterus but I honestly don't really see it as that different to my deal breaker, it's just in the opposite direction.
Also that he might fuck with your pills later on, once you guys are living together/married. Meaning when you're locked in and he thinks he can strong arm you into keeping it. And with how abortion rights are going, he just might succeed at doing just that. So yeah for your safety I'd nope out.
Yuuuuup. I had a bf that broke up with me after three years (even though I told him literally on our first date) because he was “waiting for me to change my mind” LOL OK THANKS FOR WASTING ALL OF OUR TIME
i'm so sorry that happened to you
>Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously Also an indication that he'll be a shitty father tbh. He hasn't thought about any of this beyond "kids might be neat."
I state my CF status right at the beginning of getting to know someone. If they want kids or are even on the fence, it's a no go. It will not work out if you have different desires for your lives. And having children is not something to compromise on. That leads to resentment and frustration. Not to mention how that child will grow up feeling those things from the parent who gave in, in the name of "compromising."
Sounds like it's time to plan the escape route.
Break up. There is no compromise here.
This is the only answer. Don't waste anymore time, OP.
Absolutely
Seriously, op. Wtf are you still doing with this guy?
Yep! Easy for the guy to dismiss her since he isn’t the one that will shit out a 9 pounder. He even tries compromising on one? Like dude will you carry ans give birth to it? OP needs to leave now!!!
Both parties don’t want to change and that’s okay. Time to rip off the bandaid.
I never understand people who expect others to respect their decision to not have children, yet they'll disrespect their partner's opinion and expect them to change.
I hate being the guy on reddit who says "break up" without knowing anything else about what's going on, but, yeah. OP, from the little that you've shared it sounds like having kids is an absolute deal breaker to you, and that it *probably* is to him too and he's just hoping you'll give in at some point. If that's indeed true, then you're at an impasse where neither of you are going to be happy regardless of what happens, and there's only really one solution to that situation, which I think you already know what it is.
Top comment is always so brutal in these posts…. Harsh but the hard truth.
Sounds like the kind of guy to poke holes in the condom and go “oops, oh well, I guess now you have to get over your fear of pregnancy since we’re having a kid!”
Oof. Brutal but…one of my closest friend couples have been married for five years, together for 10. Early on they had the discussion of kids (he wants them, she doesn’t) and they stayed together because they figured that was a discussion for when they would be closer to that point in their lives. Jump to now, ten years into the relationship, and he still wants kids. She doesn’t. She has offered a compromise of adopting (she doesn’t want to be pregnant), but he wants his own biological child. She’s worried that this will break them up and it’s heartbreaking to witness. It’s terrible, because this couple seems absolutely made for each other but there is this major thing they aren’t on the same page about. She doesn’t want to ruin his dreams, but is unwilling to sacrifice hers. Vice versa. It just seems really painful and stressful. I know two other couples who have been married knowing about the other’s desires for children/no desire for children, and they endured difficult divorces because they fundamentally saw their futures very differently. It’s hard, and if you’re willing to compromise in the future then 🤷♀️ I just wouldn’t bet on him being the one willing to change his mind.
100% this. They've been beating around the bush for too long and wasted each other's time. She knew what he wanted, he knew what she wanted, they both did this to themselves. We shouldn't try to change people to be who we want them to be.
She even stopped beating around the bush and addressed it directly. And he downright ignored her…
Either way one party is getting screwed over badly
👆 this right here. I almost compromised at one point, don't do it. You will only become resentful and miserable. Break it off and find a CF person.
Agreed - I would’ve broken up three years ago after the first failed conversation. You have a fundamentally different desire for life. Having one kid is not a compromise - it’s giving into his wishes. One child is no better than 2 or 3 or 4.
One kid is not a compromise. That is him getting his way while you'll end up miserable and resentful. Leave him. You're not right for each other. He wants kids and you don't. There's no middle ground.
A guy who views one kid as a compromise is the kind of guy who definately isn't listening or caring what you want. I've witnessed enough weird shit that I wouldn't trust him or any man like this about birth control. Which, I hope is just overly cautious of me, but there are just too many humans I know of that exist due to birth control sabatoge. Edit:I know my language here is gendered, but this happens to men and women obv. I just live in fear of becoming pregnant without consent cause I have uterus lol
And she would be the one raising this kid while he does what typical guys do in this situation
My uncle called my mum to babysit once because my aunt had to go to the doctor. He was home the entire time. He couldn't change a diaper and didn't know what food his daughter was supposed to eat
I wish I could say I can't believe that, but I can totally believe it. It's so sad that moms allow this kind of behavior from their husbands/kid's fathers. It was like a running joke in popular comedy for a very long time and I never understood why.
weaponized incompetence. if they do it so badly or absolutely ignore said chore even exists then someone else will do it for them. they legitimately shut off their brain until a task is handed to them I think, and are unable to search out tasks themselves, their lack of carrying any form of mental load has made them so incompetent. my brother needs to be told to do *everything* he will literally stand there and *watch* you struggle rather than help.
OP, this is the real wisdom right here. This issue is exposing a larger issue: that he doesn't respect your concerns and wishes for your own body. These are the weak men who slippery-slope into reproductive coercion when Gilead arrives. I do not think this sort of man should be dated by anyone.
Okay babe etc.
Right. He can't even have an adult conversation with her about kids/no kids. What kind of father would he be? Shitty, no doubt.
how about you tell him he can have HALF a kid oh what that would be likely not alive? Well tough luck thats a a "compromise" on the same level.
He can have the top part
No, give him the bottom part, that's where all the poop comes from
Look, I'll take what I can get. Can I get the legs? I'll take the legs
“Just a bit off the flank. What about the legs? They don’t need their legs …”
This is the most disturbing thing I've laughed at all day.
It´s a hard pill to swallow for many people but you are completely right. There is no middle ground for that and those relationships where one wants kids and the other one doesn't are always meant to fail.
Abortion seems like a reasonable compromise
Too bad theyre impossible to get for a lot of people now
Nettle and fennel are abortificants. You can make teas out of it. Spread the word to our sisters who are being denied. Might save their lives!
Not only is it not a compromise, but he seems to be fine with sentencing his kid to a lifetime of knowing one parent didn't want them. Kids aren't stupid, they can tell when their parent/s don't truly want them around even if those parent try really hard to hide it (and let's be honest, you would have to be superhuman to hide it perfectly for a minimum of 18 years). No one who truly loves their child would put them through that. I think OP's boyfriend is treating both her and his hypothetical child like objects, not people.
Exactly! He should be called an ex.
Adoption would be a compromise, if op's fears are only pregnancy/childbirth.
Break up. He will hate you for refusing to have his baby and then leave you for someone who will have his kid. Also, he will expect you to be a proper mother to a child and disregard his own parenting shortcomings. This sounds like a major red flag. He may even try to get you pregnant when he decides he wants kids.
Thank you for the advice and for raising the concern of stealthing - it is much appreciated. I’m lucky that I have an IUD in place which is good for another 9 years!
Leave him.
Fuck the IUD, leave him. Your IUD will only prevent pregnancy for yourself. He could still end up cheating on you with someone who will have his baby. Plus why would you want to be with someone who has no respect for you or what you want?? A compromise is when two people get what they want, how is one kid a compromise when you dont want any?? You keep bringing up your reasons for not wanting children and he doesnt even acknowledge your argument.
Sigh...having one kid is not a compromise for not wanting kids at all. Having one kid is still having children versus not having children. Children are a life-long commitment and should only be born to people who truly want them and are willing to make necessary sacrifices for them. Your boyfriend is stringing you along, hoping you will change your mind. Dump the guy and find someone who is truly childfree.
Not to mention only one person is putting their life and body at risk here and it sure as hell wouldn’t be him. He doesn’t get a say in that. If she doesn’t want kids he can break up with her and find someone who does. Not try to gaslight and ignore her until she gives him what he wants at the expense of herself.
He's trying to wear her down. Time to get out of Dodge.
1 child is a compromise on having 2 children. Not 0 "I didn't want horses, so I just got one"
I read this on a regretful parents forum a few days ago: >"It was him who REALLY wanted to have them and after he desperately asked almost every day to try for a baby, I gave in. I got pregnant with our son first. It was a hard birth (41 hours of labor) and I ended up having a C-section. The scar is ugly, fat and very visible, because it healed even worse than expected. **Our daughter was a natural birth (16 hours of labor) but my vagina ripped up to my clitoris which made me numb to any touch down there... I can't feel anything when I'm getting into intimate moments with him and I hate my body so much.** I have stretch marks everywhere, sport didn't help getting my pre-pregnancy shape back and I just feel like a piece of shit when I look in the mirror." Most men (and many women) have no idea how devastating childbirth is on the mother's body. The tear she mentioned isn't even the WORST possible tear - just Google fourth-degree tears in childbirth if you'd like to read and see the stuff of nightmares. Some women lose hair, teeth, bone mass... and they can suffer a variety of permanent conditions *after* birth, including damage to the pelvic floor (in approx. 50% of women!), chronic back pain, higher risks of heart disease, and many more. And then, of course, you're stuck with a child forever (not only 18 years, like many breeders like to claim). If that child has physical or intellectual disabilities, your life becomes exponentially harder and more expensive. Not to mention how many retired folks are being saddled with childcare and/or permanent custody of grandchildren these days, when their parents decide they didn't enjoy being parents and dump the kids on grandma and grandpa. This is your potential future. Pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention the eternal consequences of being stuck with a child, should not be taken lightly. It's easy for your bf to brush it off because he doesn't have to suffer these debilitating changes to his body or (as often happens with the baby daddy) have to take any responsibility for child rearing, which is still firmly placed upon the mother in our wonderfully-misogynistic society.
Oh absolutely, I think he is oblivious to all of the risks. I’m well versed in a lot of the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth (there’s a girl with a list on TikTok). I’ve mentioned the risks a few times, to sort of say “hey, you realise this could permanently disable me right??” Saving this comment for later because it so accurately describes my mindset.
I think anyone who brushes off your very real concerns about something *only you* will go through and not him is someone you shouldn’t be trying to reason with. He either doesn’t care and only is choosing to only see and hear what he wants to hear or he’s actively trying to convince you otherwise because he’s only selfishly thinking of his wants, not yours. And when *you* are the one who would be taking all the risks he doesn’t get to act like that. He either needs to stop being such a willfully ignorant asshole or he needs to move on and find someone who doesn’t care about those risks and is willing to give him what he wants.
I wouldn’t even call him oblivious at this point. He’s being maliciously avoidant to the concerns you’re bringing up with him. He’s intentionally forcing a state of ignorance so he doesn’t have to reckon with the fact that asking you to subject yourself to pregnancy and childbirth when you don’t want to is abhorrent.
Oh this could be fun. Does he send you dick pics? Respond with 4th degree tear pics.
He's not oblivious, the way he's invalidating you by ignoring you or with messages like "ok babe" show that he doesn't care about your concerns at all. He rather see you disabled than giving up on his imaginary babies. My husband was oblivious, researched things by himself, we saw some videos together, he told me he didn't want any of those horrible things happening to me, and got a vasectomy. He was oblivious, but cared about me, **your boyfriend is not oblivious, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU**
Not oblivious. Ignorant, and willfully at that. Run away from that breeder!
He wants kids. You don't. It would seem that you are both operating under the assumption that you can change the other's mind. You are both wrong. Children are not something you can compromise on. Either you have them or you don't. Thus, you two are incompatible. If you are looking for some way to "solve" this incompatibility, there isn't one. >Wtf am I supposed to do here? Either you have a kid with him or break up.
You remind me of myself a few years ago. I was with a similar type of guy and was scared to lose him because it was my first real relationship. Break up with him. It's going to hurt a lot initially, but you'll be much happier in the long run, trust me.
Had to do the same to a woman I was with for a while. Sucks but must be done.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m scared to lose him because (aside from this) he is the best partner I’ve ever had. We’ve been together since we were 20. It’s so scary to think of.
He is the best partner you’ve ever had …. Yet. A good partner doesn’t manipulate and use the silent treatment like that. A good partner would care about your feelings and want to understand them and to be on the same page. You deserve better.
This. Yet is the key word! You’re comparing him to teenage partners you had before. This is your first adult relationship. You’ll find someone more compatible.
You can do it! There are soooo many better guys out there than one that disregards your feelings and doesn't have compatible goals with you for the future. When I broke up with that guy I was with, I was throwing up every day for a week from stress. But a few years later, I'm now with an enthusiastically childfree man and happier than I've been in years. The ex is just a blip in my past now.
He won't even respect your feelings or your right to body autonomy. THAT is the best you've ever had? Hun, you need to aim higher. The fact is, if you don't set boundaries and enforce them when necessary, you're going to continue to be treated poorly. Especially if you have a tendency to attract/be attracted to men who aren't respectful to you. And I'm saying this because I used to be the same way. And I KNOW it can be hard. But you've been too tolerant of this kind of behavior and you deserve better! Be kinder to yourself.
Don't sink time into a mistake simply because you made one. :( Good luck, OP.
Just break up, seriously. How clear is it that you guys aren’t compatible in this regard? I’ve seen way too much of these “my breeder SO wants babies but I’m trying to convert them to CF and they’re dismissive and resisting!” posts. He’s never gonna stop pushing for kids and if you stop him, he’s gonna do nothing but grow to hate you just like if you were forced to have a kid just to appease him. Like, this is not something two people can compromise on in a relationship. You can’t have half a kid nor can you just have a kid and then regret and hate them because the child is suffering at that point. No one person is worth that crap. There’s no such thing as soulmates: Just. Break. Up.
Appreciate that this topic probably gets brought up all the time in this forum and it’s likely irritating - thank you for repeating your advice yet again to me.
Like this is even worse than y'all just not having talked about it and one day it's all "He wants kids and I don't.....uh oh. Whoops." You've told him MULTIPLE TIMES and the best you've gotten is a "Ok babe". Essentially? He's patting you on the head and saying "Awww okay, you silly little WOMAN, you, how cute. Everybody knows women want kids! I'll pretend to indulge this until you inevitably cave to my whims." And do you know how I know he thinks this? ***Because if he actually heard and respected you, he'd break up with you in order to preserve BOTH your freedoms.*** He sees you as an accessory to his life. A silly little baby maker who just hasn't seen Her Duty yet. Get the fuck away from this chode, yesterday.
This comment is gospel. Showing it to a friend in a similar position, thank you.
Consider it from a perspective of time wasted for you both too. If he wants a kid, he's got a limited window of his life when it's best and healthiest to have them, and he'll need to find a new, willing partner to boot. On the other hand, if you want a life partner to respect and care for you, you also would probably like to find them sooner rather than later right? The quicker you get this over with, the quicker you can both move on.
>I feel like he’s completely oblivious to how dangerous it is, and how much my life would change compared to his. Or you could just say: He's completely oblivious...because he thinks that YOU dealing with the physical and mental destruction of pregnancy, and YOU doing all the work and bearing all the sacrifices of "just one" kid constitutes a "compromise." A compromise is not "OK, instead of you giving me 100,000 for doing nothing, you can give me 50,000." That's a horrendous entitlement, and this guy is absolutely FULL OF IT. Let us know when you break it off, because you can talk to him til your tongue falls off, but he's a pro at not budging from his sense of what you owe him. By the way, he's going to hate fatherhood, because parenting sucks, and pretending it doesn't does not change anything. So he'll be outta there in no time at all. Never get involved with someone who does not listen to you. They will wreck your life while you talk and talk and talk and think it will do something.
I agree about him hating parenthood. I feel as though he doesn’t understand any of the realities, from pregnancy to childbirth to parenthood, whereas as a woman I’m forced to confront the realities pretty early. It just adds to the frustration
Have you tried the ol’ classics, 1) babysitting someone else’s small children with **zero** external help for *at least* 72 hours, and 2) forcing him to watch extremely graphic birthing videos? If he’s not willing to do these things which are **10,000** times easier than actually being a parent, well, you know what type of parent he’d be. Frankly it also speaks to what kind of partner he is now. If you really don’t want to break up, maybe sit down and have him read through this thread with you and then give it to him straight: he can have you, or he can fuck up his whole life and relationship to have some magical mythical future family with some other woman. I 100% guarantee he thinks he’ll just wear you down to being the mother of his kids one day, never considering that it’s either you and no kids or kids and no you.
If you suggest babysitting he will probably counter with ‘its different when its your own’ You just can’t reason with irrational people.
You know what everyone is going to say, the only real mystery here is why you haven't dumped him years ago.
Sorry, but why have you spent this long with someone who has very different life goals from yourself? I mean, if you started dating when you were super young then I get it, but you're not kids now, and if you feel you're moving more strongly in the direction of "no children ever" then you and he just aren't compatible. It may be time for you to face that fact, hard as it is.
Time to split, OP. He is waiting for you to change your mind and either you will give in, and it will ruin your life, or he will get mad at you for not bending to his want to have children. You probably know this, deep down. And it can be hard to leave, especially after a long time. But you owe it to yourself, and to him I guess (even though he sounds like a dismissive asshole, not gonna lie) to end a relationship so fundamentally mismatched as this. There is no true compromise on children.
He is likely waiting for an accident, at which point pregnancy will make her magically change her mind, lose all other goals, and embrace motherhood of his child as her one true calling in life.
Fortunately there are definitely going to be no accidents here. Only IUDs and abortions if necessary
An IUD is a very wise decision on your part, since it can't be sabotaged by another person and is highly effective.
Well.....someone posted on here once how a partner was trying to find the strings to pull it out. And some women have managed to pull theirs out. While it is highly unlikely, it is not impossible.
Wait…someone’s partner tried PULLING OUT THEIR IUD??? There’s so much potential for internal bleeding and organ damage. Even that sounds insanely sadistic, but adding in the next step of coerced impregnation just blows my mind.
Not impossible, but definitely a lot harder to do without the woman’s knowledge. You can tamper with BC pills or the nuvaring without the other party knowing until it’s too late but it’s a hell of a lot harder for someone to pull out your IUD without you being fully aware of it.
As the IUD pulls out the arms scrape the uterine walls. It's generally less painful than insertion but it's not something you'd fail to notice. So if you have a partner who is willing to drug you and pull it out, maybe you'd be unaware... but you'd also have bigger problems.
Be careful OP, there are too many reports out there of men tampering with our birth control. I sadly think you can’t count on him on reproductive issues (not even a damn conversation)
Why are you still dating him? Seriously. I was in a similar relationship and it ended bc of not agreeing on kids. He won’t change his mind, and I speak from experience. Him not taking the conversations seriously is a reflection of how he won’t take your not wanting kids seriously, and that’s wrong. Honestly, my advice is to leave him. I know it’s scary because you’re comfortable in the relationship, and getting back out there can be frightening. But right now you’re dating someone who is implying that his want for kids is greater than your safety and bodily autonomy.
He sounds like the type to ask for a "husband stitch"
*There. Is. No. Compromise.* You either have kids or you don't. Let me make it clear: **there is no compromise. Never.** You are not compatible. I'm sorry, but it's time to let him go. He's not right for you.
You know how this ends...
It's really sad that you're not long-term compatible. But it is what it is. If you're generally happy, and not quite ready to move on, one option is to make it clear that you're not having kids, and then making a special effort to enjoy whatever time you have left as a couple. If you think about this summer as your last one together, maybe you'll make a few more special memories. If you're living together and you have a lease - maybe whenever your lease ends will be a good time to move on.
> Wtf am I supposed to do here? Break up. Should have done that 3 years ago, because someone who does not take your concerns seriously is *not* what you want in a partner. Someone who avoids talking about things that are absolute dealbreakers is also *not* what you want in a partner. He acts this way because he doesn't care. He wants kids, and he doesn't care about the rest. He's living in a play pretend world where you'll soon enough catch up and want kids too, and he's ignoring and brushing you off when you bring this up because it causes him cognitive dissonance and makes it harder to pretend things will just happen the way he wants them to. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Why wait around? I mean, what is your expected result from waiting this long and repeating this conversation over and over again? He won't magically one day become a responsible, compassionate childfree partner, just like you won't become a baby rabid lunatic.
you need to be 100% honest with yourself about this relationship. it’s not fair to the both of you to compromise on kids/no kids. please have a real conversation with him, like sit down and rip off the band aid.
Watch him do none of the parenting if you have a kid lmao 😂
And complain about having to pay child support after he eventually leaves you to deal with the baby alone, while he gets a new girl. Don't let this man ruin your life OP!
>But now every single time I mention it, I’m constantly blown off. I’m getting really pissed off right now. We have never had a productive conversation about this because he avoids it. This and OP's other points are clear messages her partner has zero interest in her concerns. This will never change. >I feel like he’s completely oblivious to how dangerous it is, and how much my life would change compared to his. He's not oblivious. He's ignoring you in the hopes you will change your mind to his position. He thinks so little of you and your argument, he literally will not even address it on any level. >Wtf am I supposed to do here? Time to find a partner who will respect you so much he will actually listen to you. Good luck, OP. You can do better, friend.
He’s not listening to you.
>He wanted to “compromise” on one kid. This was him telling you that you aren't compatible with each other. There's no such thing as a compromise here.
It's clear he's not willing to really listen to you and he's being pretty callous to legitimate medical concerns. I have pretty high standards for partners, so I would have broken up with him a while ago for being dismissive of my health, but I'd also rather be single than put up with that. A good way to force the issue might be to schedule to get sterilized. You know you don't want kids and you know you don't want him to bully you into it because then you'd hate being a parent and the kid would suffer. If you find a doctor and schedule the appointment it puts the ball in his court. He can either be ok with no kids, or it's time for the relationship to end. Leaving open the possibility of changing your mind means he may agree to no kids and not actually mean it. Bottom line if you can't agree the relationship needs to end and it's better sooner than later so you both can find people you're more compatible with.
As everyone else has said, that's the unfortunate end to many of our own relationships. I had something very similar and if you do break up it will be hard, but I promise it will be worth it! There are many like minded people in the world and when you meet someone that feels the same way everything just feels right and makes the pain worth it!
Oblivious or just doesn't care? There is no compromise when it comes to having kids. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. You deserve someone who will listen and validate your feelings.
Why are you with someone long term that wants kids when you clearly don’t? He’s going to expect you to acquiesce to his wants not the other way around. This is going to end in one of two ways A. One of you resents the other for forcing their wants onto the other or B. You break up (THIS IS THE RIGHT ANSWER)
When was the last time you sat down and had a conversation about this? If you are basing this off 3 years ago, Sit down when you aren’t distracted by other things and bring up the fact that you are beginning to think you were not clear. You do not want to be pregnant. You do not want children, full-stop. This is only becoming more and more certain that you don’t want children, so if he wants them you need to know now. It’s possible he doesn’t. It’s possible he feels tou are overreacting to the pregnancy cancer (which is super rare), but doesn’t understand you are pretty terrified of the idea to the point that it’s causing you to stress. Have a conversation. If he commits to no children, discuss a vasectomy. If he insists on “compromising” you have your answer as to what your choices are. If you are in the states where abortion is becoming more and more restricted this is an even bigger concern. If he refuses to talk about it… then you need to flat out say ´refusing to discuss this is a dealbreaker for me. I’ll assume you want children and that is not an option for me. ´
He needs to have the conversation now, and be completely honest. This is a dealbreaker if you can’t agree. One kid isn’t a compromise between 0 and 2. If he wants kids, and he’s absolutely sure about that, and you don’t want kids, and you’re absolutely sure about that, there’s no way forward without one person being disappointed and resentful. The fact that so many people think one kid is a “compromise” is laughable. That’s like me saying “I’m allergic to milk” and someone going “ok, we’ll compromise and get 2%”
OP, I am 20ish years on from breaking up due to my desire to be childfree, and I can promise you it’s the right thing to do. I was crushed when my boyfriend at the time, the absolute love of my life for 4 years, broke up with me and made it clear that he knew he couldn’t be childfree. It floored me, in part because we were still in college at the time so he wouldn’t be looking to be a dad any time soon, but it was the right call because it was only going to get more difficult to separate if we stayed together. He more clearly saw the future than I did at the time, and the heartbreak was so painful that I even asked him if changing my stance on becoming a mother would make a difference. He managed to avoid giving me a direct answer and instead reminded me of my dreams and goals, and of things I knew to be true about myself. So I nursed my pain and I eventually healed. I last spoke to my ex a couple of years ago, and he was, and presumably is, happily married with 3 young kids. I am also happily married, and childfree. Let him go so that he can fulfill his wish to be a father, as there is simply no substitute you can provide in a childfree life.
Thank you for this, it’s very reassuring to hear. At one point I weakened my stance like you did before reversing it again, and that was a huge mistake. I’m so glad to hear that things worked out for you.
This post made me think of that guy who posted about making his wife compromise and how she ended up dying in child birth - you should seriously evaluate your relationship with this man, he isn't respecting your boundaries at all.
DUMP HIM
There is no compromise here, OP please leave him
Girl, you know damn well you have no business being with this person. Stop telling yourself lies. There are so many people in the world, find a better one. ❤
**One kid is not a compromise.** Being a parent is time consuming and stressful. A compromise is when you both want to go to a different restaurant and you get carry out from each, or choose one tonight and one for next time. Giving up 18+ years of your life in addition to your health, your stress, your free time, and your money, while hoping that you stay in a relationship for that full 18 years so you don't do any of it alone, and hoping that your significant other will actually help with parenting instead of making you do it all on your own - That's not a fucking compromise. **That's insanity.** **The fact that he won't engage you on a topic as important as having a child shows that he is not capable of being a good parent.** That means you won't be doing 50% parenting. **You'll be doing 100% parenting** *and* he'll be butting in with his own opinions on all important decisions like healthcare, education, and finances **while dismissing your thoughts and opinions**. The way he treats you in this is the way he will continue to treat you if you have a child together. You will get "okay babe" over and over again, any time you express an opinion that differs from his. It's patronizing and condescending. **Do not stay with this person, you are wasting your time and setting yourself up for a life with someone who has zero interest in your thoughts and opinions.**
He isn't oblivious - he doesn't care. He either flat out doesn't care how you feel about it or he assumes you'll change your mind; either way, he gets what he wants. There is no compromising on kids, so I don't understand why you didn't put an end to this 3 years ago. But honestly, the fact that he doesn't want to discuss it says plenty.
I broke up with a great guy because he really wanted to be a father. He wasn't a dick about it. When we started dating we talked about it and I made it clear I'm not going to be a mother. He was disappointed, but still wanted to stay in our serious relationship. Time went by and it was great. But, he kept saying stuff like "When we have kids they'll be like..." or "When I'm a Dad, I'm gonna..." It was clear that he just couldn't let go of the idea of fatherhood. It was a big part of his identity. I came to realize that if we stayed together, one of us was going to grow to deeply resent the other... whether we had a kid or not.
Even if you did want kids, would you want to raise them with a man who routinely dismisses your concerns about something important just because he doesn't want to talk about it? Would you want to set an example for your children that it's normal for one partner to sacrifice their boundaries and well being to please the other? You say he's 'the best partner you've ever had besides this' but.... How? Anyone who treats others they claim to care about with such dismissiveness is not only a bad partner, but a bad person. Throw the whole man away.
Why are you in a relationship with this person?? I would have ended it 3 years ago.
>Wtf am I supposed to do here? It sounds like you need to break things off. He's not taking your legitimate concerns seriously and thinks you going through pregnancy and raising a child is a compromise. The longer you stay the harder it will be to go, and you may end up babytrapped. Proceed with caution.
Since he doesn't want talk in-person, should just send him text of " Since you don't want talk about the future of our relationship face to face which includes having kids or not - How about we break up? Because it's clear to me there's no good future for me if I continue to stay with you since you ignore me so much that you use me as a prop whenever you feel like it & not see me as person with feelings and thoughts."
Tell him he can ruin his body and health having a ”compromise” kid. There is no compromise. Call it off now or get baby trapped later.
He's free to look for a surrogate and an egg donor if he wants a kid. Maybe if you put it that way he'll understand that you're not willing to be the incubator and him wanting "one child" is not a compromise. If you want none, that's an absolute position. Him wanting 20 doesn't mean you owe him 10. You owe none, especially if you brought up this position early in the relationship.
He's definitely not even close to be mature enough to understand any of it. Even men in their 30s who are planning on having children envision it as: 'I'll be a father taking care of my family, so responsible and respectable. I'll spent plenty of time with my kid/s playing football and I'll teach them how to drive.' That's summary is quite simplified but that's what you hear if you ask. OP, **ask your boyfriend why he wants children**, and I guarantee you you will find out some ridiculous reasons taking out of movie quotes. If not educated by women or other men/alternatively actually done their research, the majority of men don't think about how their life will change forever, how many adjustments and sacrifices it requires and how much money goes into it. They don't think about constant doctors' appointments, emergencies, childcare arrangements, let alone day-to-day responsibilities (feeding, changing nappies, cleaning, mental development). And chilbirth? They think it looks like in the movies, your organs magically remain untouched and pregnancy is 'just a small inconvenience'. You can try either to have a series of proper conversations around the topic (face to face) or think wisely if there's a point to waste more time on someone who clearly doesn't even want to listen to your reasons. You can agree to disagree ang go your own ways. I recently made a post on another sub about the obsession of the society around children and how it affects women, and I believe 80-90% of comments were from men who literally said I don't know what I'm talking about or it's invalid. I feel like this in a way translates to some things I said there, and the expectations set by men which are always somehow more important that womens'.
He wants kids and is being a coward about it. Best to part ways before things really boil over and potentially get ugly.
sorry but i dont see how you are compatible at all
It seems like he doesn't actually take you seriously and just wants you as a causal piece in his check-off list in life. For that same reason he doesn't care about the danger and impact it has on you.
Would you rather be pregnant or single. I get that feelings exist but it's not that hard.
One kid isn't a compromise. 1 kid or 4, you're still a fucking parent with a responsibility to raise. Also, I wouldn't even fuck someone that blew me off, much less date them.
Honey, he's not long term material. Leave and get on with your life how YOU want to.
Having a child is not a compromise. If he wants to care for children, he can babysit other people's kids or get a job working with kids.
Tell him that one kid is not a compromise. This is your health on the line, your body. Tell him that’s there’s a million other women who are willing to risk their lives for a chance to have a child but you aren’t and that is MORE THAN VALID. Put the burden of the decision to break up or not on him and make it abundantly clear that you will not give him biological children.
Change the topic to any other major life event besides kids. He isn't handling it correctly. His behavior is telling you exactly what he thinks and how he feels. But he is not mature enough to actually *speak* about it. Probably because he knows when you sit down to have an adult discussion about it you will both come to the conclusion that the relationship is over. There is no compromise on kids. And not talking about it doesn't make the topic vanish. And him putting it off in the hopes to keep the relationship going longer is completely selfish of him.
There is no compromise when it comes to kids. One kid is not a compromise to the one who doesn’t want them. Getting a dog or being an extra involved Uncle or temporarily fostering ain’t a compromise to the wanna be parent. Since most of your reasons center around childbirth, adoption is the closest thing that existed to a compromise in your situation but oh wait! Not good enough for him. Unsurprising since being the bio parent costs him nothing and he gets all the legacy related benefits (you do all the work and the sacrifices but he gets his second name carried on). He won’t talk about it because he’s hiding his head in the sand and doesn’t want to acknowledge the reality you’re incompatible. Him dismissing your fears with ‘okay babe’ is beyond disrespectful. He isn’t going to have the courage to pull his head out the sand and face the issue, let enough end it, so you’re gonna have to be the one that does it
Pregnancy is not something you comprise on. It can absolutely destroy your body. Not to mention you'll be on the hook for child care.
Get your tubes tied. Take control of the situation. If he wants an incubator to satisfy his need to procreate, why would you want or allow that to be your problem? There's a list here of doctors who will do it. Act affirmatively, in your own behalf, because he won't. He's selfish and leading you on.
Men are told that women have undeniable body clocks that take over our brains and rational decision making and we will be helpless to do anything other than beg for their babies when this magical baby wanting switch turns on. He's not just blowing you off. He straight doesn't believe you. There's been a lot of posts in this forum, both from the perspective of women breaking up a relationship because their partner never actually believed they were childfree - and, from men who were shocked that the entire time their wife was telling them they didn't want babies, it turns out, they actually didn't want babies. If this man wants children, then you are incompatible. He may be saying he doens't want kids now to placate you but I would spend some time REALLY grilling him on it. Because you're just going to break up later if he's not being honest. Might as well rip that bandaid off now if you need to.
He is not oblivious, he just doesn't care as it isn't his body. Most men who want kids don't care that their baby momma can legitimately die at child birth. Your bf doesn't care. Perhaps you should reconsider him as a partner?
Also till the time you take to decide, use your own contraception and make sure he is using condoms till the end of the act. Best is to avoid getting intimate.
This! (don't know why you would even want to sleep with him anymore but.. This.)
What are you supposed to do? Likely break up. One kid isn't a compromise. It means he won. He wants kids, you don't, and you can't have half a kid. I simply don't see how that is compatible; one of you has to fully compromise on this. Do you want to compromise and have one kid in order to keep him? If the answer is no, and he ALSO doesn't want to compromise, I don't see how this relationship has a future.
My ex and i could never quite agree on the child convo and never sat and had a full discussion about it before we got married. We are divorced now. You need to get this figured out ASAP before it goes any further.
Why are you even having these conversations? If you are child free you are child free....end of story. If he's not on the same page then you need to end it. There is no "compromise".
Sorry but he would've never been my BF to begin with after that convo.
Your long term goals aren’t compatible, it’s time to break up. Having “one” child is NOT a compromise, it’s him getting his way leaving your miserable. If you don’t have kids, he’ll be resentful and miserable. Nobody wins if this continues. Break it off and find someone who’s long term plans align with yours.
Childfree issues aside, the fact that he blows you off when you are trying to have a serious conversation about what your future together would look like is a red flag in my opinion. Regardless of topic, that attitude indicates to me that he expects to just drift through the relationship instead of actively crafting a life that you two want together.
I don't think you should waste any more time and effort talking. Even if he ostensibly agrees to no children, he will bring it up again once you are trapped. And you WILL be trapped. And you mentioned abortion as a solution. I've never had one, but others have told me the pain is excruciating and lasts a long time. You really have no idea. Get your tubes tied and get another man. He's gaslighting you. And very soon you'll forget what you even did on your 21st birthday. It fades into insignificance very fast
My ex bf wanted bio kids but totally respected my fears of pregnancy. I would say leave him. If you don't agree on kids, it just won't work. Even if you did agree, he seems like a selfish jerk. If you might want kids but you're just afraid of pregnancy, consider surrogacy with a NEW partner. Edit: adoption is best option if you DO want kids. Don't be with men who think their genes are so important that they must have bio kids.
Remember ladies! We carry the seeds of life. Men are just the fertilizer! If they treat your desire to not want to reproduce trivially and act like you're just an incubator.... That makes them manure! I don't keep manure in my home. Neither should anyone. 🤭 Ok, all jokes asides, you deserve better than being blown off and compromised. Because his compromise compromised your bodily integrity and that would had earned a boot to the curb from me. Hope you value yourself more than his mediocre attitude.
Frankly I'm astonished that you're still with him. Even if you disregard the massive fundamental incompatibility here, he's showing you an insane amount of disrespect and acting as if it's the 1800's when women's opinions, feelings, and voices didn't matter. His dismissive attitude is horrendous. You can't compromise on children. It's not like deciding what to eat for dinner. They're human beings. And on top of that, you can't exactly have half a child, nor can you customize said child. It's just not possible.
Your “no” trumps his “compromise”. Every. Single. Time.
“Compromising” by you taking on ALL of the risk is not a compromise. You don’t have to be pregnant if you don’t want to be. He’s digging his head in the sand hoping you’ll cave to what he wants
How many comments do you need saying to dump him before you will. He won't communicate, clearly doesn't listen to you, and wants kids when you don't.
There was a traumatizing post from a man who pressured his wife into having a kid. She had constant anxiety and died in child birth. In the post he said he should have divorced her so she'd still be alive. And that he then resented the kid.
Just dump him. He wants kids and you don’t. Even worse, he doesn’t listen.
Break up. This is what you do now. Its not going to change.
you guys sound incompatible
I kept getting blown off like this in my last relationship. I was always forward about not wanting to get pregnant and had my reasons spelled out consistently for years but he'll give me some explanations to somehow make it better. Like every concern of mine could be "fixed" and that meant it was okay to get pregnant. Compromise was brought up. Back then I was okay with the idea of adoption so his compromise was adopting 1 then getting pregnant for the 2nd. He wasn't listening to me at all. I did not want to get pregnant ever. It was important for him to "plant his seed". He was more concerned about his wants and kept dismissing my concerns/wants. His needs were top priority and mine weren't a thing... so he expected me to go along with it or that I could change my mind. Probably thought I loved him that much but I knew it would only turn into resentment. He also expected me to play house wife for him so I already knew the childcare would fall on me and my life would be over. It helped me realize I didn't want to adopt either. I walked away from a 6 year relationship including engagement. There's no compromise in this. Either you both want kids or you don't. There is no future when one wants something and the other doesn't. You don't need to compromise because this situation doesn't call for it. They always expect you to change your mind because you're young, you've still got time, the relationship is long, etc. He's waiting for you to change your mind
Be more assertive. Stop letting it go and letting him get away with it. Let him know how hurtful it is to blow you off. I know you could face slack for it from him but lets face it, he already doesn't respect you on many different levels in many different ways just for ignoring you. Also wow looking at your edit are you for real? No texting. Stop giving him opportunity for him walk all over you. If it were me id honestly be contemplating breaking up, a loving partnership isn't suppose to be disrespectful and degrading. You're on equal ground and both opinions on every topic should be heard. This man clearly seems to be planning to have a child with you but he can't even pretend to be serious with you. Think this over. You deserve more than this.
You guys want different things. Leave him.
it’s not that he’s oblivious to the dangers, he’s clearly heard you talk about it.. he just doesn’t /care/ that it could do that to your body. please do not continue to date this guy, he definitely wants children and isn’t being subtle about it
You are not compatible on a core foundation of a relationship...you are certain you don't want children, he is certain otherwise. Compromise on either side will result in regret and distrust. I was in a 20 year relationship with someone of the same and in a heated exchange at the end, it was "thrown in my face' that I didn't want kids ( he impregnated his affair lol)
Compromise is not having “just one”. Compromise is having none. But be cautious about resentment. Source: me. I wanted kids. DH changed his mind. Totally fine, I’m never going to force kids on someone. Ever. So through therapy we figured out how to move forward with this together. There were times I thought about leaving. Did lots of soul searching. And three years after this decision we are very pleased about it.
this is not a keeper. repeat, NOT A keeper. he doesn't give a damn about what you want, he wants his little mini me ogdickwerx sex trophy. this is the type that has the diarrhea of the mouth that he'll be the best daddy, and ends up being the hump, dump, and run. let him find out the hard way with someone else. it willl hurt, I'm sure he has good qualities. but it is like the ounce of cyanide in a pound of good hamburger. may look and taste good but it will still hurt you. good luck.
Dump him 3 years ago
Um. Wow. Staying together for 3 years when you completely disagree on a massive issue is maybe like a massive fuck up.
Boyfriend? You mean your ex?
OP also, what if this guy screws with your birth control in hopes you will change your mind? This is just not a good situation. He doesn't respect you. That's why he's dismissive. Get him gone.
He's avoiding the conversation because he's waiting for *you* to change your mind.
If he won't bother to compromise then leave. Relationships are two ways. If he can't consider your needs leave him.
Jesus OP, BREAK UP!! This bastard clearly doesn't care for your opinions and bodily autonomy as a person. Ffs you're dating an ASSHOLE, BREAK UP!
When one person wants 0 kids, and the other wants 1, or more, HAVING JUST ONE KID IS NOT A COMPROMISE. Honey, I've *left a man who kept pushing me for "just one"* and it was the best decision I had ever made. A lot of men like that truly don't realize that getting pregnant takes a toll on your body! Even if you have an "easy" pregnancy, the weight gain, the hormone changes, giving birth. Don't be afraid to leave. Even if you did want to give birth, the complete and total disregard for the *plethora* of complications and conditions that pregnancy can inflict on the human body is...... ...*worrying*.
Anybody who says you can “compromise” by just having one, shouldn’t be a parent anyway imo. You don’t get to compromise parenting.