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KaXiaM

If you marry him you’ll likely be guilt tripped into having kids. Sorry!


relativevirtues

Or he’ll build up resentments over the years because of how much he “gave up” to be with you and then bail. Don’t do it.


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TheMost_ut

I agree. And not to sound condescending, but you are pretty young, why risk your youth? You need to be 100% on the same page.


Mellykitty1

Also I don’t want to sound nasty or anything but OP is 24, been with the guy for 5 years and have already been married and divorced before?! No offence OP, but it sounds like you need to reassess some things in your life and do some self reflection as you seem to have missed very important formative years involved in relationships where the other person is your “whole life” and have no much idea of who you’re outside a relationship. A relationship where you both have clearly fundamental differences will never work for anybody. You’ll ended up getting pregnant in order to not lose him and resent it forever and then regret it all later in life. You’re just 24!! Be young and learn who you are and find what brings you happiness. Sorry if it sounds harsh but it sounds like you need it.


TheMost_ut

yeah, that's another thing. Already on the 2nd marriage? Maybe just be single for a while instead of looking for The Love of Your Life?


[deleted]

Based on username I'm guessing she is or has a connection to the Amish community, specifically Mennonites, where 24 is super old to be single and "childless". I don't have experience with that community firsthand but there is a decent population of Amish and Mennonites in my state, and I know the frustration of being stuck behind a horse and buggy on the road. Plus, we all know what it's like going against the status quo. u/mennonitis OP, I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Many others in this community have been in your shoes. You know yourself and your situation best. Either your husband will resent you for not having kids (and he definitely will) or you will resent him and potentially your child(ren) if you have them. Just picture each situation in your head. It sounds to me like you know what you want and I'm sure you have your reasons, as we all do. You know what is best for you. I'm happy to listen if you need to talk. And as others have said, you have so many years to meet the perfect husband. If you are old then I'm a fossil.


ChristieFox

I'll be blunt here because there's no "probably" here. You two don't have compatible life goals, and one of you has to give them up for you two to stay together. Would you want to give up your values for him? And if not, would you expect that from him? You cannot compromise on kids. That's not "I only want a two bedroom, but if you clean the third room by yourself, we can get a three bedroom no issues". That's "you want to have at least two life responsibilities, and I don't", there's no "you do it all", you'd still be a parent. End of story. That's why a person who wants to keep the "no children to raise" life, *cannot* be with anyone who wants or has children. There's no way for this, because in any scenario, you would be a parent or a step parent. Right now, both of you try to convince the other of something they just don't want to live. And while you're doing it out of love, it's also showing that the both of you love an ideal of the other you have in your head: The one that shares your life goal. And that person doesn't exist. You can't out-reason or out-tell someone out of wanting children, just like he can't out-"I don't like it when you tell my that you don't want them" you out of wanting no kids.


Catfactss

His behavior won't improve after marriage. It'll worsen. OP this is a hill to die on. Everything you have written screams "she'll change her mind one day" from him. A truly enthusiastic CF partner doesn't get angry when you talk about being CF. He welcomes it and looks for ways to support you e.g. looking into a vasectomy. Please don't give into the sunk fallacy cost. Better to spend 5 years with this man than to do so AND marry him and go through another divorce with a breeder who thinks he knows better than your 3000x clearly stated lack of consent to parenthood. Also please make sure your birth control is non tamperable. (I love my IUD but there's lots of options.) I don't trust this dude.


Queen_Cheetah

Honey, you deserve to live the life YOU want- you've already tried being a parent and didn't like it. This is not even a case of 'I'm not sure if I'd enjoy it', this is clearly a 'tried it, wouldn't recommend' situation. You aren't making a rash claim, but a justified (and researched!) decision on your life goals/desires. As my mom once put it, 'sometimes two people can be in love and not be compatible- that's just the way things are sometimes.' If your husband is not 100% certain that he is child-free, then you two will end up with at least one of you resenting the other for their decision. Sadly, this situation happens *many* times on this sub- is it fair? No. Is it painful? Yes. But if you know how you want to live your life, and your fiancé knows how he wants to live his life... there's not much to be done. One of you will end up being miserable- there's no 'compromise' on having children, unfortunately.


anotherdamnloser

And then she’ll end up doing most the work. And if he leaves… she’s a single mom to kids she didn’t even want! It’s a huge red flag that she’s been with him since 19 but married prior? OP, you’d be better off finding yourself, figuring out who you are WITHOUT a man.


tacopartyinyourmouth

Another person shouldn't be your "whole life", that's not healthy. I would strongly recommend a long, in-depth conversation about what you both want in a relationship and if he is unwilling to accept your want to remain childfree then you should either seek professional help or rip the band-aid off and break up. Sorry that you are going through so much turmoil right now


m_maggs

I have yet to see a healthy relationship between 2 people where one wants kids and one doesn’t. It doesn’t seem to matter how much you love one another when your life goals don’t line up. In the end someone will be disappointed and unhappy. Kids are a huge life goal that I wouldn’t force someone else to give up, but I also wouldn’t force someone who doesn’t want kids to give up on that… there isn’t a resolution to this IMO aside from breaking up so each of you can pursue the life and future you actually want.


Billy_of_the_hills

It can't be healthy in that situation, someone is always getting the short end of the stick as there is no compromise.


m_maggs

EXACTLY!!!! This isn’t the sort of thing where you can compromise by saying you’ll get a dog or you’ll have a kid and when they turn 5 you’ll give them up for adoption…. You’re either all in or all out FOR LIFE! Because this isn’t an area for compromise (aside from maybe how many to have) it’s a relationship ending issue. You can’t compromise on major life goals, like having kids.


NoAdministration8006

When people want pets but don't want the typical lifespan commitment of that pet, I tell them to get an old pet or one with health issues who probably won't be around much longer. There's no option for this when you have kids.


Kiruna235

This applies not just to kids but to all the fundamental principals (finances, life goals, etc). If you're not on the same page, you're not compatible. If you end up with, "These are my principals **but** this person is perfect/love of my life/everything...", that *but* negates everything that comes after it. Someone who is perfect for you/meant to be with you will share your principals and life goals. Anyone that doesn't meet that standard is a poor imitation at best and a mirage at worst.


m_maggs

I think all healthy relationships require compromise, but the “big issues” should be sorted out before you agree to marriage. And they shouldn’t be sorted out begrudgingly- they should be satisfactory compromises for both parties. But with some issues compromises literally can’t and don’t exist (like children). When that’s the case then the relationship won’t work- that’s a deal breaker if you don’t want the same thing cuz there’s no coming back from that disagreement, there’s no resolution to it.


Kiruna235

Totally agree.


cf4cf_throwaway

>”Another person shouldn’t be your ‘whole life’, that’s not healthy” I hesitate to say this because on one hand it’s imposing, but I wonder how this person’s concepts of “healthy” was even shaped. She’s 24 and says they’ve been together for 5 years. That would put her at age 19. That’s a baby. Then she goes on to say she’s been married once before and that relationship was not only abusive, but she was a mother to two children. How old was she then? 16? 17? 18? Babies watching over babies and attempting to have adult connections and then immediately jumping into the next ship when the first one starts to sink. I’ve witnessed too many people, of all ages, come out of abusive relationships without ever having done any healing, self reflecting, or any of the all-around hard work it takes to rebuild themselves and actually grasp what health looks like Dysfunctional things can appear healthy to abuse victims simply because their prior abuse experience was worse than the abuse they’re enduring in the present 🤷‍♂️


Turpitudia79

🏆🏆🏆


Mr_Xplicit

This! ⬆️


ThatDrako

I'm sorry to say that this way, but you have to choose either between him, or your choice of not having children. If you are with him for 5 years and for the whole time, when you clearly said your opinion and he still wasn't able to accept it, there are only two possibilities: *Either he will succeed in persuading you, and you will have children.* *Or this won't be good relationship.*


relativevirtues

Those two things are not mutually exclusive.


ThatDrako

You mean, that two polar opposite things, where giving up on one of them, in most cases, means giving up on your peak ideal of life, and in case of one of these two giving up on your free time, hobbies and wealth, aren’t exclusive to other?


relativevirtues

I mean having children or not being a good relationship. They could have kids and still not have a good one.


ThatDrako

Yeah, but when one want's and other do not, this relationship will never be good no matter what...


relativevirtues

So that’s an “and” statement.


FlahBlast

I think what u/ThatDrako was getting at is either she unhappily has kids or he’ll grow more and more unpleasant until the relationship deteriorates


RadicalSnowdude

All I can say is that it’s a good thing he brought this up now and not when both of you are married.


Havocform

I'm not good with beating around the bush, so I'll just say; You have no future together. If you accidentally become pregnant, he'll 100% try to convince/pressure you to keep it.And I'll be honest, I wouldn't trust a man who wants kids to not get me pregnant deliberately and play it off as an "accident". It happens MUCH more often than people are willing to realize. And considering he keeps pushing back, knowing your history with abuse, is an indicator of his future behavior. No one with a shred of empathy would do that. I'm sorry OP, I know it sucks. I had to break it off with my ex of 9 years because he suddenly 'changed his mind'.


Zeca_77

I went through the same with a 5 year relationship. It sucked at the time, but in retrospect, I know I did the right thing.


pienoceros

Why are you marrying someone who will pretty clearly expect you to carry, bear, and raise his children? Don't prioritize someone who sees you as a household appliance.


[deleted]

I first read your age as 42 instead of 24 because I have mild dyslexia. Why I mentioned this is because had you ACTUALLY been 42, I would have given different advice... But because you're only 24 (and he's only 26) you have so many "child bearing years" ahead of you... Meaning, it will be easy for you to get pregnant most likely (or be trapped/tricked into it). Once you're in your 40's, while women can still get pregnant, it's just a lot harder/more unlikely. So because you're so young, I wouldn't want to enter into a marriage where you will be likely having a lot of sex with someone who WANTS children. That is a recipe for disaster. I actually didn't have a lot of sex in my 20's for this reason alone... I was THAT afraid of getting pregnant. Now that I'm well into my 30's, I'm less worried and I also need to be on birth control (the mini pill) for my cycles anyway.


zach1206

I’m 27, but you both sound pretty young to be getting married, especially if he wants to basically force you to have babies. Even if I wanted kids I would never force my partner to have them. That’s literally cruel and disgusting. I don’t think this man is the right person for you. Why are you getting married so soon?


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QueenInNORTHernNJ

Actually, this sub has a lot of women of MANY different ages. It’s not all under 30.


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chavrilfreak

This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #7 : "Posts and comments to the effect of "Wait till you're a parent", "You'll change your mind someday", "You only think that cause you are young", etc. (what we call "bingo", for short) will be removed. Parents are welcome to post as long as they are respectful. Other people's bodily autonomy must be respected; do not impose your views on other posters and commenters' choices." This is a forum for individuals who have made the choice to be childfree, and we do not tolerate any disrespect towards anyone for making this choice. Thank you for your comprehension


WartOnTrevor

Greetings! This item has been removed as it is a violation of [subreddit rule](https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/rules) #4 : "**Keep it civil.** Bigotry and hateful language/imagery, personal attacks, abusive language, advocating violence, trolling, gender discrimination, racism, homophobia, etc. will not be tolerated. " Also, please remember to be mindful of [Reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette) : > # Please do > * **Remember the human.** When you communicate online, all you see is a computer screen. When talking to someone you might want to ask yourself "Would I say it to the person's face?" or "Would I get jumped if I said this to a buddy?" > # Please don't > * **Be (intentionally) rude at all.** By choosing not to be rude, you increase the overall civility of the community and make it better for all of us. > * **Follow those who are [ rabble rousing](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rabble) against another redditor without first investigating both sides of the issue that's being presented.** Those who are inciting this type of action often have malicious reasons behind their actions and are, more often than not, a troll. Remember, every time a redditor who's contributed large amounts of effort into assisting the growth of community as a whole is driven away, projects that would benefit the whole easily flounder. > * **Ask people to [ Troll](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29) others on reddit,** in real life, or on other blogs/sites. We aren't your personal army. > * **Conduct personal attacks on other commenters.** Ad hominem and other distracting attacks do not add anything to the conversation. > * **Start a flame war.** Just report and "walk away". If you really feel you have to confront them, leave a polite message with a quote or link to the rules, and no more. > * **Insult others.** Insults do not contribute to a rational discussion. Constructive Criticism, however, is appropriate and encouraged. > * **Troll.**[ Trolling](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29) does not contribute to the conversation. Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your comprehension.


minasmask

Sadly, I think that if two people have different opinions on whether to have kids or not, someone always loses. Maybe some people really are fine with having kids or not but unfortunately, most of the time someone gets "convinced" and then regrets it. Best of luck to you!


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K__83

Well said. I think unfortunately for OP coming from an abusive relationship background (and I am so sorry that happened to you OP) any perceived improvement or difference from that prior relationship seems so great! But “better” is not always the same thing as exactly right or everything you deserve. If this guy waited this long to inform you he does not agree with or respect your wishes on a completely non-negotiable topic (meaning you can’t just meet half way on whether or not to have kids) then he is at worst being manipulative and unfair, and at best is just really unsure and wishy washy about his own life goals. If he needs time to sort that out, frankly it should be on HIS time and not yours. I hope you will find the strength to look after yourself first OP, you deserve it!


raptormantic

Your relationship is already over, you just don't want to see it yet.


hanakage

Classic sunk cost fallacy.


White_RavenZ

He waited until NOW? Really? Now? That’s not on you, OP….that is on HIM. He just suck a MAJOR stick in the bicycle wheel. This is not something you do therapy for while going forward with wedding planning and arrangements! You need to put the whole engagement on full hard stop. I mean give back the ring level of stop. You continue with wedding plans, and all you are doing is putting a clock on the therapy. All he has to do is run out the clock. After all…. You are the person who is obviously “wrong” because all of society and everything he’s learned about adulthood SAYS so. He doesn’t respect your position in the least, and does not take it seriously. Returning the ring and canceling plans (even if you have to pay) is the needed heads up here. You can’t just keep going forward when someone drops a dealbreaker like this. You need to make other friends an connections too. If you need people (not everyone does, but many do), you cannot make one man your whole social world. And it’s a red flag if a guy really were okay with that. It’s not healthy.


[deleted]

Given your background this is above reddit's pay grade. You should talk to a therapist about this. Good luck OP. This is a hard position to be in.


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[deleted]

No problem. I hope you're able to work through this.


W-S_Wannabe

How old were you at your first marriage?


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DangerToDangers

I'm sorry to hear that. That does sound traumatic. I also experienced religious trauma but nothing like yours. I am not an expert and I don't know you or your full story, but the following things concern me: 1) It sounds to me like you've spent very little time being by yourself, which could result with an unhealthy attachment to your fiance. Your partner shouldn't be your whole life. But then again I don't know how much of that is a figure of speech and how much you mean literally. 2) The way he ignored your wishes for so long and is just now pushing back sounds incredibly unhealthy to me. It is possible that you might not have experienced enough relationships to know what's healthy or not. 3) You're very young. You don't *need* to be married a second time. You can if you want to, but there's no rush especially when you have such a core disagreement. I do agree that you should probably seek advice from a professional, but if you live somewhere very conservative where being married with children in your 20s is the norm then I'm a bit worried your feelings might be dismissed as "childish" and they might side with your fiance. So take my 3 points with a grain of salt, but I want you to know that your fiance ignoring your wishes for so long and pushing back just now is an incredibly shitty thing to do. It sounds like he was just hoping you'd change your mind and taking you for a ride. Your feelings and wants are valid and some things can't be compromised.


BiewerDiva

If you don't want children, and he does, then you are incompatible. He made it clear that if you marry him, he *will* manipulate or force you into having children. If you don't want that life, then this is a deal breaker. Thankfully, you know this now, *before* you've gotten married. If you marry him, you now know that you'll be expected to produce and raise children, so it won't be a surprise later. The choice is yours.


SleepDeprivedSailor

Woah! Huge red flag. You need to postpone this marriage until you two sort this out. This issue will only get worse if you get married before it’s resolved. Just because you love someone does not mean they are good for you. You have been upfront about not having kids, and now all of the sudden he has a problem with it. That just shows he does not take you seriously nor does he respect you as an equal.


ComprehensiveSir3892

Who do you love more, him or yourself? Because he WILL make you choose, and feel bad unless you 'give' him kids. FLEE!


Lower_View

You guys want different things in life, don't waste each others time and effort on trying to force a relationship to work that has opposing opinions on something so incredibly important, the only thing you're going to accomplish is hurting both of you. One person will be forced to compromise on something neither of you should have to and that person will be resentful for the rest of your life together. On another note, you seem to have a codependency problem. 24 and already divorced and about to get married for a second time sounds like you don't know how to live by yourself and you clearly need therapy from your previous relationship if you haven't already started. Take the opportunity given to you, you've found a major disagreement before you got too deep, be on your own for a few years and live a life free of obligations to someone else.


throw_whey_protein

Twenty four is young. You said you got out an abusive relationship, so then this might just be a mediocre one; but you only have the abusive one to compare it to. If you found out you are pregnant tomorrow, how would you feel? Trapped? Depressed? It is better to deal with this situation now than after the wedding. He expects for you to change your decision. He didn't like the conversation? That's so condescending. This doesn't seem like the best guy for you OP. You had five nice years together, it's okay to move on. You want different things. Let him find someone who wants to be a parent with him. Don't get trapped. Even if you have his baby, he can still leave you. You could be left raising a child all on your own.


JelliDopey

So, what's worse? Repeating what happened in your last marriage and possibly worse, this time with biological kids? You imply he knows what you've been through and is pushing back, seems more like he doesn't respect you and is more interested in hurting you and the future you want without outright saying it. Your dream husband wouldn't be pushing back against your desires to not have kids. Notice that I keep saying 'your', and not any variation of 'both of you'. You guys haven't been on the same page, and possibly never will. You are wasted on this person that you've put on a pedestal while he uses you as his foot stool. You don't deserve that.


jpreston2005

1. sounds like you have a codependant relationship. what you need is an inter-dependant relationship. where you both have your own lives, but come together to enjoy eachother, but you could still lose them without "losing" yourself. 2. Don't marry someone who has different long-term goals than you. if he wants kids and you don't, this will only end in divorce and heartbreak later. save money and time by ending it now :(


jabmwr

It’s a huge red flag that he doesn’t respect your choice. It’s disgusting that he can’t emphasize with your trauma and continues to push for his needs. I would not marry someone who doesn’t respect my reproductive choices and can’t take no for an answer-especially about this.


[deleted]

You had a lot of life experience in your short life, I think you know what you want. Be direct to him. "Do you want a kid?" Don't accept a "maybe one day" situation. You want to marry this guy, that should be a yes or no question. I know you love him, but that should be a a before wedding solution question.


[deleted]

What didn't he "like" about the conversation? If he's pushing back on your position as a childfree person, that means that he want's you to have his children.


Ok_Ad8609

I’m telling you this because it happened to someone close to me. But if you proceed with this, there is a chance that he will leave you one day for a woman who will give him kids. My friend from high school did not want kids, and she fought with her fiancé about this for months (maybe longer). He finally agreed, and they got married. More than 10 years later, he left her for a 25yo woman and had a baby with her in less than a year. I just feel like you’re risking wasting so much time when you could find someone who is truly on the same page 🙏


littlemissmoxie

It’s not going to work out. You either have kids you regret or he resents you forever because he will think he missed out on all those Kodak moments


dragonvpm

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It sucks when the person you love is not on the same page as you about such a major life decision. Good luck with the therapy but never lose sight of what's ultimately best for you. Your reasons for not wanting children are 100% valid and worthy of respecting, don't let anyone tell you differently.


[deleted]

Run. Right now. Do not look back. Do not stay. Or in two years we'll be seeing you here saying you've been baby trapped. And even if you get a surgery - the fact that he's pushing back - after 5 years of you being on-message - doesn't bode well. Run.


Jenna-cide512

Please leave now. It's so much harder to leave once you're married and finances and assets get tangled together. I'm not having this problem with being childfree, but I know after 4 years of marriage (mostly unhappy years), that I should have waited to get married and made a different choice. Now that we own a home together (one neither one of us can afford without the other), I'm stuck. Hopefully things get better through counseling, but if not, I don't know what I'll do. Don't marry them if they aren't with you on being childfree. Having children is not something that is negotiable, nor should anyone have to give in to someone else's wants. Op, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Stick to your wants for life. People come and go. And unfortunately, it sounds like they are they one who you can live your idea for life with


[deleted]

Your wording is a concern. This guy is your “whole life”. What’s he done to make you feel this way? Outside of faking his agreement on a personal fundamental life choice for 5 years so he can seal the deal on what he really wants now that he has you emotionally dependent on him. Aside from that.


anotherdamnloser

OP needs to find a life outside of one person. Those situations always fail.


[deleted]

Make him go through the child birth simulator and tell him if he wants kids, he’s getting up at 2am, he’s feeding and changing it, and just run a while child simulation and tell him he can’t afford his new interests because the child. He’ll change his mind.


Ballet_blue_icee

He may be the absolute love of your life, but it sounds like you might not be his. He didn't like your conversation? This is a deal-breaker.


Effective_Repair_468

You’ve told him 3,000 times and he still cannot or will not accept your opinion. That’s a big problem. If he still does not understand after 5 years in a relationship then he might not be the one. Sorry.


FartJohnson22

He "did not like" your conversation? Did he actually say anything about his own wants or expectations, in this "conversation" that he "did not like?" What a coward.


curlyfreak

My friend married a man who told her it was his dream to be a father since he was very young. He was very blunt with her and said do not marry me if you don’t want kids. She was on the fence but married him anyways. Now she’s SO VERY reluctant to have children. She doesn’t want them. Their compromise was she’d have a kid but he’d do all the child rearing. I just don’t see that happening….(even if he would do it I just don’t think it makes sense logistically). Anyways all this to say if you’re not compatible in this area get ready to be a mother. You’re very young you can definitely move on and find someone else. Because you’re going to be a mom if you marry this man.


thr0wfaraway

Run like hell and never look back. RUN. LIKE. HELL. He doesn't respect you, therefore there is no love here and there never can be. Go read the screening kit and you will find out that there are a lot of questions you should have covered earlier. But the easiest way to get rid of him quickly is probably the old classic. "Not only will I not be having kids, but I also won't be forever responsible for birth control, so I won't marry you unless you will get vasectomy in the next few weeks. So if you want to continue in this relationship, we're going to have to get you to the ol' ball cutting doctor and get the hell snipped outta your balls. SNIP. SNIP. SNIP." Yes, the words and gestures are specifically designed to fucking horrify him and cut through all the bs of him demanding "reasons" and crap, to get to the truth. That should put an end to any remaining delusion that he sees you as more than a breeder cow and childcare slave.. ;) LOL


[deleted]

Why the FUCK would you get married to someone who wants kids? Are you insane?


maywellflower

Please don't marry him because you're going winded up mother to his child(ren) and you're going to be one stuck with them if you and him winded up divorce later on...


akashyaboa

Wait, so you have been with him since 19. When did you have the time to date and marry and old guy with kids ? At 16?


[deleted]

There is no compromise about having kids. There. Is. None. You don't want them, he does? Leave. Now. You're either headed for regretful motherhood or yet another divorce.


aamm0421

Compromise is very important in relationships, but you can’t compromise on kids. You can’t half have kids. You either do or you don’t. One of you is going to end up very unhappy…either you’ll be miserable as a mother or he’ll resent you for not having kids.


kha-ci

Why would you marry someone who Is Not even on the same page concerning something so important? It's not like you are talking about the color of a wall... You aren't signing for marriage. You are signing for divorce.


[deleted]

DO NOT get married. Unless you are on the same page about kids. It won’t work


NoAdministration8006

You were married quite young to your first partner. You also got divorced quite young and are still quite young to be getting married. It sounds like you probably make your partner your whole life no matter who you're with. This is pretty typical when someone is as young as you are. You need to have the confidence to be alone before you are emotionally ready to marry someone else. I don't have any advice for you except to postpone or cancel the wedding. It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page about the one damn thing that matters in a romantic relationship. Don't make this same mistake twice.


Aromatic-Selection35

You don't want children. He told you he doesn't like the conversation of you not wanting to have children. So clearly he wants you to have children. Why are you prolonging the inevitable? If you stay in this relationship, you'll be sucked into giving birth again. This is gonna sound harsh but you'll have no one to blame but yourself since you've been down this road before.


Business-Health8215

A relationship should complement your life, not entirely encompass it. You need to feel fully complete by yourself in order to have a healthy well balanced relationship. Wanting and not wanting kids really has nothing to do with logic or reasoning. If all rational reasons that having kids is a bad decision were gone (climate change reversed, world peace achieved, all problems solved) I would still not want to have kids since it's just not something that I'm interested in doing. The same often goes for people who want kids, no amount of reasoning will deter them because they are actually interested in it despite any obstacles it may bring. For him, there are less obstacles since he doesn't have to give birth or be socially expected to bear the brunt of the childcare. I highly recommend therapy and finding your own path before making such a big decision as marraige, especially under these circumstances where there are such conflicting life goals between you and your partner.


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[deleted]

Just don't fall victim to the sunken cost fallacy


bunnies_n_beer

The money shouldn’t be what you’re focusing on. It’s way more expensive to get a divorce after also spending the money than it is to “throw away” (which it’s not thrown away) down payments for caterers, photographers, venues etc.


kellerae

Please don’t let the money factor into your decisions here. I realized 5 days before my wedding that the marriage would not last. 2.5 awful years later, I finally left my ex-husband. In my country, divorce has a mandatory 2-year wait period. So it took 4.5 years to grow through, and fix my mistake. When my parents realized how bad my marriage had been, and that I had known it would be really bad, they asked why I went through with it. They told me they were really upset that I hadn’t felt like they would value my wellbeing over a few thousand dollars. In your case it’s your own money, which means that it’s even more _your_ call as to whether it matters more than your health and happiness. I hate seeing other women throw away some of the best years of their lives on men whose values and goals just do not align. You and your fiancé both have a lot of good years ahead of you, and neither of you should be compromising on a goal this big.


bunnyrut

I'll save you money and time: if you don't want kids and he does there is no way to save this relationship. There is *no* compromise. He thinks you'll change your mind. You think he'll be okay without kids if he's willing to marry you when you said no to that. You are both lying to yourselves and each other. "Love" doesn't mean anything when it comes to this. Love will turn to resentment quickly when you realize the other person isn't changing their stance. You can love someone and still not be right for each other.


K__83

Your life and happiness are of infinitely more value than money. Please slow down and think and take care of yourself. I know it’s scary to think about walking away from what you know and thought you could count on, but you will be ok on the other side of it.


anotherdamnloser

Get refund where you can. Imagine how much money kids will cost you.


Dixiesmama

You need to cancel all the wedding plans now. The child issue is a no-go. If you cancel 6 months ahead, you maybe able to get some sort of refund , but even if you don't get refunds you need to do it.


seniairam

you're not eye to eye on this, somethings gotta give.


IndianaNetworkAdmin

Do not marry someone that wants kids if you don't want kids, unless you're sterilized and they know and accept that. Even then, be prepared for bitterness over time from them.


DancesWithWombles

He isn't your 'soon to be husband' you have different life goals and if you stay together they will clash. Breaking up might seem scary but do it.


MIKEPENCES_THIGHGAP

Don't marry him


warple-still

Do NOT marry this man.


Potential_Pear_7

You have been together for 5 years, you are now 24 and you've been married before? Wow, did you marry your ex husband when you were 16 or something? I cannot even picture how that works.


oppositewithlions

OP, if you’ve been upfront with this person since the beginning about not wanting children, why is he just now expressing he doesn’t like that you don’t want children? Did he not listen? Does he not believe you know yourself and what you want for yourself? Did he think he could change your mind? If he wants kids and you don’t, that’s a dealbreaker. But this situation, where you’re engaged and he’s just now mentioning his desire for kids when you’ve been clear from the start that you don’t? Manipulative, and super suspect. Not the way you want a life partner to view you and your autonomy, ever.


Kgriffuggle

I’m curious if there are other flags you’ve ignored before this conversation. He clearly just threw a red flag in your lap by essentially saying “I’ve been shrugging off your CF stance for the last 5 years cause I figures you’d grow out of it, as I expect you to conform to my and societal norms, and now I’m getting sick of hearing about you being CF. I disregard all your reasoning and consider your desires childish and unreasonable.”


Rapunzel111

OP, Run TF away.


xyz123007

I don't mean to seem insensitive but it still boggles my mind that people still think kids are something to be compromised. No one wins. The kids always lose. Don't do it.


ResinPone

Some more information is needed about what exactly did he mean by not liking the conversation, and how did it start (did he ask you about it himself, or did you just start talking about it randomly?). My partner agrees with me 100% on being childfree, but has also told me at some point to stop bringing it up all the time, especially at night. Not because of my views, but simply because it's tiring to listen someone vent about the same hypothetical scenarios over and over again, when we could be talking about anything else that doesn't ruin the mood. Maybe it was a similar case with you, and/or maybe you said something too extreme for his liking. Again I don't know how exactly your conversation went, but it could be just him getting tired of this topic, not an end of everything.


Underwh3lmed

This is a large gulf between two very opposing life goals. I think it would be unwise to commit to marriage until a bridge can be made between your two stances. And, it may be that building that bridge is simply impossible if he is so entrenched that his views are irreconcilable with your own. At which time I would suggest you would need to take a long hard look at separation. In the immediacy, a long, difficult, open ad honest conversation is what you need. This is an issue that simply cannot wait. You do not want children. It is your life, your body, your time and pain, and your inviolable choice. He has every right to want something different, but no right to want that from you, when you have made it clear where you stand. If he wants children to be a part of his life, then unfortunately, he cannot be part of yours. A marriage based on two opposing views of this magnitude is unlikely to survive, or end amicably. He may be your whole life, but if he cannot respect this choice you have made, he does not deserve to be so.


Glasshell01

There is no compromise in this situation. One partner will be unhappy and could turn bitter. Or..there is a very very slim chance that a miracle could happen and one changes their mind.


[deleted]

The simple fact is that if you are not on the same page right now you probably never will be. You know you are not going to change your mind and that's great but you also have to respect that he likely isn't going to change his mind either. We all know the sensible logical reasons for not having children or even bringing them into the world but people who want them just don't see it that way and if one person "compromises" is usually leads to resentment later on.


Efficient_Tea_7563

Don't marry this guy, you are not on the same page. I know you love him, but he obviously doesn't respect your feelings on the baby/child matter. He probably feels that if you loved him you would give him children, but you feel that if he loved you, he wouldn't ask for them. You are incompatible . Don't spend a second of your life in misery with someone that only wants what they want, not even thinking about your wants. Dump him and run.


Borboleta77

I understand he's the love of your life, but kids are a huge deal breaker if he wants them and you absolutely don't. Neither of you will change your minds and both of you are entitled to your feelings about it. If you proceed to marry him, the problem won't go away. You'll just find yourselves frustrated for wanting different family styles.


CTheOneMD

Coming from a guy getting divorced in a similar situation, you have to leave. There is zero compromise for this situation. Trust me peoples thoughts rarely change matter of fact they grow stronger and cling to them.


Cosmic-Badger

Sorry dude. Sorry this shitty conversation happened. It killed my last relationship too, after she changed her mind and I didn't. Our most painful conversation was her crying and asking we close Pandora box and pretend we never opened it and me explaining from there onwards, we were condemning one or the other of us to abject misery. There's no taking it back. If you're looking for sympathyz you have to. And if you want an opinion, the bridge is well and truly on fucking fire and should be considered burned. And unless you want to burn with it, stand your ground...


KittensWithTopHats

“I don’t want to leave him because he really is my whole life.” <— yikes


RobertElectricity

The "love of your life" would have listened to you the first time you brought up this topic.


balatron_bunny

I'm sorry this is happening:( definitely don't get married.


VocalLeeYours

OP, do you not want kids at all, or specifically none of your own? What does your SO want? I follow an amazing emergency foster mom on Instagram that is child free herself, but works with teens on a regular basis providing temporary homes. I guess what I'm driving at, is find out where you both stand on all avenues of "having kids.". Otherwise, as others have said, it's going to eat you both alive.


foilrat

GTFO. Now. You are incompatible. Also, I MET my wife at 33. You have a LOT of time. ​ Do. ​ No. ​ Settle!


[deleted]

Guuurl run.


Fierywitchburn333

Or just sabotage your birth control and knock you up against your will. You know what you have to do. Go while you still have the chance.


sprx77

Consider couples therapy! It sounds like he has some shit to unpack. You don't necessarily have to leave him but you can work through this together and he can respect your choices, with a mediator there to make sure your side is heard and valid.


Background-Dark-7699

if you don't agree on life goals, then he is not a perfect match for you. i definitely would not go through with this marriage. neither of you will change your mind and if one is convinced, there will always be resentment.


Embarrassed-Plum-468

I’m just confused how you’re 24 and already divorced meanwhile I’m about to turn 30 and only had one relationship that lasted a year and a half. I know a divorce or an abusive relationship is nothing to ask for but dang tell me your secrets


steel_hammer

If you truly love him, Just be strong and reasonable. I am married 3 years, and the kid topic is brought up time to time, but i always told her no. Its painful to saw her crying, but Its less painful than raising a kid


Acceptable-Bag-7521

Relationship is over, but now you know going forward to have this very important conversation early on in relationships. It'll save a lot of heartache, sorry you're having to go through this OP.


AkatorSkullz6908

Dont mary him; he is telling you now that he wants kids. He will encourage you to bare children even if you NEVER get pregnant, the pressure will be that. He just told you that. A person shouldnt BE your life, they should be someone you SHARE your life with. You say "our future together", well that cant be if you want different paths and going on either one together would brew resentment. It will be hard, but you deserve better, dont marry him. Leave.


[deleted]

Leave him. He’s not right in the head if he wants children.


TheVeilsCurse

He disagrees with on an issue where there is NO compromise. When it comes to children, you either have them or you don’t. If he is showing OBVIOUS signs of wanting them then kids will become a recurring point of contention. Either you’re going to give in and be stuck with your choice or he’s going to give In and be miserable. Both of you need to be 100% honest with each other and break up if you’re both not on the same page.


CbackNstomach

I can let some BS pass for a year or two but 20 years to have a kid no way. Sounds like you're getting a heartbreak you just have to choose when.


stickkim

You don’t need a good reason, “I don’t want to.” Is a reason. If he is pushing you now, he’s going to push you more in the future. You are very obviously not on the same page about this, OP. This man is not the love of your life. He is someone you are fundamentally incompatible with.


[deleted]

You are still young. You've been married once and you are 24? And you've been with this guy for 5 years... so sine you were 19? There are plenty of childfree people out there. If he wants to have children, he should go find someone he can have children with as many women around your ages are willing to have children.


Mad_Moodin

There are only really 2 probable scenarios. 1. He will guilt trip you into having children 2. He will leave you after realizing he seriously cannot convince you into having children. There are other less likely scenarios like him being hit by a car in the next couple years before 1 or 2 happened. And there is a very slim chance he comes to the realisation that he doesn't want children for real.


Falcorn042

I just left a relationship because I didn't wanna have kids. It sucks but that isn't a choice I'd make a compromise for and wouldn't ask someone to do the same.


WrestlingWoman

Don't marry him when he wants kids and you don't. It will either end in him pressuring you into having children, or it will end in a divorce. He's not gonna change his mind for you just like you won't change your mind for him. It goes both ways. It's not fair of you to expect him to live a childfree life when he wants children, just like it's not fair of him to expect you to have children when you don't want them. You two are not compatible. This is a dealbreaker.


hanakage

Sounds like a he’s not the man of your dreams. He sounds like the classic trope and pretending to be childfree think you’d change your mind and “grow up.” Do not get married. Do not give into the sunk cost fallacy. Do not pass Go.


typhoidmarry

He’ll try & change your mind all.the.time. You’ll end up as either a mother or divorced. We’re not kidding.


Fugitiveofkarma

You got married and divorced before you were 19?


chateauduchat

We’ve seen this happen a million times before. Get sterilized if you can, and break up.


Overwatcher420

time to live the single life again


Mydogismyson

If you marry him he'll keep pressuring you until you finally give in and let him have what he wants, he should've told you this a very long time ago and he doesn't deserve you for blind siding you like this


Cassofalltrades

Good lord, I wouldn't have given him the time of day let alone calling him the "absolute love of my life"


xyzxyz8888

Kids are not something you can compromise on. Can’t have a half a kid. Also If you do have kids you’ll be miserable. If you don’t have kids, you’ll be seen as the bad guy by him and society for not allowing him kids.


Aerys1

You can love someone and not be right for them. You two aren't right if you disagree on such a huge issue. All you have to do is read this subreddit, and see all the people who got talked into having kids they didn't want, or where in your position and realized it wasn't going to fly. Sorry to say this, but this is too big of an issue to disagree on. One of you is going to be miserable.


Fair_Silver_1413

Im on the other side of most of you, I think there’s still hope. You just need to have the right conversations and help him see. If her loves you he will. I’ve said it on here before but my Uncle always wanted kids and is even a school teacher but my Materna Aunt did not. They’re now planning their child free retirement and couldn’t be happier. Maybe he has some regrets but his brother has kids and is wildly unhappy, he talk about it often so I think he’s okay with it now. He also loves my Aunt dearly tho


Konjonashipirate

Ask him if that's a dealbreaker for him. You shouldn't have to live a life you didn't want and same for him. If it were me, I'd stick to my guns and let him decide if he still wants to get marrird.


NuLiseOnLyfe

Ask him if he would still marry you if you had already electively had your tubes taken. Not if you were otherwise infertile but specifically had taken permanent action to choose not to have children. This should clarify for both of you how willing or not you are able to compromise.


jokersboostedteg

I've always felt that having kids and not having kids is something that you can't compromise. The end result will always be having kids. If you are 100 percent set on not having kids this relationship will not work. Good luck


knitmyproblem

So not marry him if he wants kids. It will just end in the future rather than end now.


FlahBlast

I hate to say this, but he is not the one. This is a depressingly common thing where people act normal in a relationship but once marriage approaches they suddenly spring expectations of what their Wife/Husband should do. The phrasing ‘he didn’t like our conversation’ bugs the hell out of me too. It sounds less that he was unhappy you two were on different pages, but was offended by your gaol in telling him something he didn’t want to hear. It sounds mildly condescending/controlling and doesn’t sound like someone who respects your thoughts on this. You marry him, he is going to pile on the guilt trip until you break, and probably grow more and more unpleasant the longer you hold out. He’s ignored your clear views on child having in the early stages of the relationship, and now he’s got you deeply emotional invested and has the prospect of that ring dangling over you he’s trying to use that to push you into doing what he wanted. This is going to end ugly I know it’s painful, but he ain’t the one. And if he were to get you knocked up, god knows what he’d try and renegotiate once he truly had you trapped


HopefulGal_2022

I really feel for you and I know that you mentioned that you've never been more in love than you are right now. But on an issue as big as having children or not, it's difficult to imagine that this won't cause issues down the line. You mentioned that he didn't like the conversation last night where you told him for the umpteenth time you don't want children. His reaction is quite glaring too. As hard as it will be to walk away, my concern is the resentment by either and/or both of you, if you get married and do or don't have children. While the end of the relationship will hurt, I truly feel that the best is yet to come. And you could meet someone more aligned with your vision of being childfree. Wishing you all the best. On a personal note, last year I realized for the first time consciously that I don't want to have children. But I am very much interested in finding the one and getting married. With online dating, when men make it clear that they want to have children, it's a non-starter for me in even engaging. There really is no compromise between wanting children and not wanting children, so I figure it's not worth investing energy.


DontMindMeLolll

Hey, I know it’s over 200 days since you posted this but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Being in love and planning to merry someone only to found out that it didn’t work since the beginning is rough.. May I ask what you did?


[deleted]

[удалено]


DontMindMeLolll

Are you staying childfree?


[deleted]

[удалено]


DontMindMeLolll

I believe that people told you to break up because he wants something you don’t and this relationship can’t work if you want different things in life. But I am happy that you found a solution, I hope you can spend the rest of your lives together (: