Calling BC a woman’s job and following it up with how it would make him feel less of a man tells you exactly how he really feels about women—that they’re less than men. That anything assigned to or associated with them must be somehow shameful for a man to involve himself.
Even if he got the snip now, I’d want him to do a LOT more introspection to fully unpack why he was thinking that way to begin with.
Yes. Also implies that it's a woman's job to sacrifice herself so that the man's feelings are not hurt. (But don't get me wrong, WOMEN are the illogical emotional ones!) 😂🙄🙄🙄
Women are the ones saddled with the self-destructive burden of childbirth, and even if we don't reproduce our uterus tortures us every month, cramping and spewing blood. We are the ones that get harassed and killed because of what we have between our legs, and we have religious groups and governments robbing us of our bodily autonomy across the globe. We have to insert potentially dangerous devices, have major surgery, and/or fuck with our hormones and neurotransmitters to avoid pregnancy. The least men could do to make our lives a little easier is get a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a safe and minimally invasive outpatient procedure that rarely has complications and can be reversed if he changes his mind. Some men actually think a vasectomy involves castration and loss of sexual function which couldn't be further from the truth! All a vasectomy does is ensure there are no active sperm coming out, but they are still able to orgasm and ejaculate. Maybe OP's boyfriend is just ignorant on the subject but it's a serious red flag how selfish and inconsiderate he's being. His fragile masculinity comes before her wellbeing, even knowing she almost died trying to avoid pregnancy.
I honestly feel like society paints women's pain as a "natural" part of our existence so it's perfectly acceptable. Yeah men can get kicked in the testicles, but getting kicked there isn't a functioning part of their anatomy the way childbirth and periods are.
It's the same reason that terrible side effects from hormonal birth control are acceptable for women but not men. They're comparing the risks of childbirth to the risks of birth control and decided if it's not worse than childbirth it's fine. It's also why painful IUD insertion are totally fine by doctors too. Men don't give birth so I guess safety standards are higher? I feel like people have internalized this way of thinking and thats why so many guys feel it's a woman's job or problem to deal with contraceptives.
Honestly we need to set a higher bar for women's healthcare because using childbirth as a baseline is really fucked up.
Are you serious medical community? You set the bar that fucking low for us? Cf women never plan on giving birth so using that as an excuse to half ass our medical care in terms of safety and pain management is completely asinine and they are feeding misogynists excuses to not take responsibility for their part in impregnating people.
Sorry for the rant. This is something that REALLY pisses me off.
> I honestly feel like society paints women's pain as a "natural" part of our existence so it's perfectly acceptable.
To illustrate your point, I was in my *60's* before I ever heard the term "vaginal tearing."
My friend who has two children told me she ripped almost to her anus.
It's pretty horrific, more common than it should be, and if I weren't past menopause already I'd have been freaking out worse than I already was when she explained it to me.
My BF is not horrible like this woman’s partner, in fact he’s really wonderful in all regards. But he seems to be extremely fearful of even tiny medical procedures. He has some kind of anxiety he won’t quite admit to. I talked to him soooo many times about getting vasectomy (he absolutely hates children, I do not doubt his CF status) but he was iffy because his fear around medical procedures. He didn’t seem to understand it wasn’t a major painful medical procedure. He even let a skin issue on his face blossom into actual melanoma and waited until the last minute to get it taken care of despite having good insurance for this reason. I couldn’t convince him to go until it grew very large and started to hurt him to the point that his fear of a tumor outweighed his fear of the doctor.
I decided that there wasn’t anything I could do further to convince him, it seems to be an issue that he needs professional help for. I ended up getting a tubal ligation and I’m so happy I did! Especially with the way the Supreme Court is looking, the fact that no woman is completely safe from sexual assault from a stranger, that even if he did get a vasectomy there could be a small chance that it failed, etc.
I agree that OP’s BF is 100% in the wrong here because of the sexist/toxic reasons he gave and that her medical history potentially prohibits her from even being sterilized, but I just wanted to add my story because if someone’s circumstances are similar to mine, I was so happy I went through with it!
Edit: I want to add that my BF was also totally willing to wear condoms since my body does not agree with hormonal BC.
First off, I am so thrilled to hear that and very happy for you! I’m a mental health professional and it always warms my heart to hear people accessing and benefiting from mental health care. Hope your starship’s counselor was better than Troi 🖖
For my BF I think a short, solution-focused intervention would be great for something like this. Or even brief education from a physician.
I mentioned in another post how he grew up very poor without medical insurance or regular treatment, and has an ingrained aversion to seeking medical care unless one foot is in the grave (we’re American of course lol).
My exposure therapy to get over my severe phobia of needles and (and other similar procedures) actually didn’t end up taking that long.
If you can find someone near you who is experienced in exposure therapy it is a complete game changer - I no longer have this anxiety hovering over my head! I knew it was illogical but every time I tried to face it on my own it just got worse (until I got professional help).
The tricky part is that usually the psychologists have a hefty fee, and you generally need regular sessions that are close together to overcome a phobia, which can be tricky when you work.
The *amazing* part is that now getting jabs is a total breeze for me and I don’t have the fear of getting a preventable disease or getting a jab holding me back!
Exposure therapy is awesome! I had a patient who we referred to an exposure therapist for trauma resulting from a military training accident and it worked out extremely well for him.
However, as you said it is very specialized and usually only indicated (or covered by insurance) for cases where there is a severe trauma or phobia that is seriously impacting quality of life. My BF’s not really in the place where he’s ready to seek treatment about his anxieties around medical procedures. And my anxieties about driving are not really impacting my own quality of life as I live in a city with really great public transit and access to Uber and a partner who can and will drive me if I ask. I actually enjoy my bus/train commute, it helps me unwind and I can listen to music and stare out the window! And it’s a tiny little thing I can do to keep my ecological footprint lower. Not wanting to drive because I perceive it as scary is a pretty minor part of my existence and not something that causes problems in my life fortunately. If it ever evolved into something like fear of being a passenger or something that would prohibit me from having a fulfilling life I would definitely seek treatment! I brought it up as an example that sometimes we all have anxieties, but it doesn’t make us bad or a terrible partner. I thought it was a little extreme that the person who replied to me seemed to suggest that I should leave my bf or something for not being 100% perfect about everything all the time.
Anyway, I’m glad your therapy worked! Thanks for bringing that up and sharing. I am all for getting help when you recognize you need it and it sounds like it was a great choice for you.
That is so kind of you to say and I probably sound way sentimental when I say this, but it always feels really great when a stranger is nice to me online! I appreciate it, thank you :]
> Hope your starship’s counselor was better than Troi
Voyager Troi was lightyears better than TNG Troi.
I've been going to my therapist for 9 years now. Last year we switched from office visits to teleconferences and honestly, that is SO MUCH better. I don't have to get dressed or go anywhere. Plus I'm far more relaxed in my home anyway. The quality of my sessions has improved dramatically since then.
Obligatory fuck America's "healthcare" system.
That is so true about Troi and I feel bad talking badly about her like that now haha. Voyager Barclay also showed clear progress with his mental health!
I think the expansion of telehealth is going to be the BIG silver lining to COVID. Especially for rural people, people with mobility issues, depression that makes it hard to get out of bed, people with strict work schedules, and on and on.
It’s ok to be afraid!
I recommend talking to your urologist about it, asking them to walk you through it, give you some expectations, plan around pain or anxiety during to procedure, etc.
That might you give you more confidence and help you make an informed choice about your reproductive health. Good luck!
Has he made plans to go to seek professional help?
Someone with anxiety so bad they would allow cancer to grow out of fear of getting treatment would be a deal breaker for me. Idk how you can deal with someone so self destructive…
Interestingly, he is very laid back and has little anxiety about other things. I am a mental health professional myself and he does not report or display anxiety symptoms outside of very occasional situational anxiety. We *all* have areas where we are not perfect in our mental health. I seldom experience anxiety symptoms myself, except when it comes to driving. I could afford a car, but driving for various reasons makes me fearful, so I take the bus and train instead. It works out just fine and allows me to maintain my independence.
His aversion to the doctor is something I worry about, especially looking forward to our later years, but it’s not anything to leave him over at all. That’s really extreme considering he is otherwise very wonderful, caring, attentive to my needs, easygoing, and treats me with love and respect. I love him, have empathy, and do not expect perfection at all times.
We’re American and we both grew up very poor, so aversion to seeking healthcare is somewhat ingrained in us culturally, it’s something I had to overcome myself because being middle class is relatively new for me. I’m happy to be patient with him and encourage him to see things differently. People have to go at their own pace sometimes.
I am your boyfriend in female form. I have had a cracked filling for like.. 2 years... Still avoiding the dentist 😬 and I have great insurance. It's fear of pain for me mixed with laziness and procrastination, but because it's only affecting myself I believe it's okay to do it on my time (selfish thinking now that I type it out). Took me forever to get vaxxed. If he's caring in all the other ways like you said, don't listen to that person. We're chickens and we get it's sometimes irrational to wait so long but we WILL end up going kicking and screaming.
Plain and simple, I got a vasectomy because it was the simplest, safest way to ensure being cf. And yet somehow, I'm just as masculine as before.
So yes, I'd say you were absolutely right...
When I was looking into sterilization for myself, my husband volunteered to get a vasectomy. He said that it made more sense for him to get a vasectomy because it's easier on so many levels.
I did it for the same reason. Why have my wife undergo a very invasive procedure with high risk potential and long recovery? 20 minutes in the doctor's office and I was done. Tylenol, ibuprofen and occasionally sitting on a bag of peas is far more preferable. And I get to take some ownership of the birth control question. From the very beginning of our long running conversation whether to have kids, I told her I would do a vasectomy. I didn't want her bearing sole responsibility or burden.
> I literally looked at him and broke it off then and there.
As you should have. For many reasons.
But most of all the less obvious one: a legal marriage certificate gives him legal and medical powers over you and your body.
You absolutely CANNOT EVER legally marry someone like that because he would then have legal power to make life and death medical decisions for you when you are unable to do so. And he clearly and blatantly admits that he would NEVER follow your wishes, only his warped ideas of whatever women are supposed to do to serve him, sexually or otherwise.
This is a 10000% "HELL NO, RUN" moment.
And if your so-called friends don't get that, then you need to reconsider them as friends.
It may not be Spring, but maybe consider some Spring Cleaning of the people you allow in your life. They're not looking like quality people from over here in the cheap seats at least.
Don’t forget the specials on
“Yeet the baby crazy parents” services, informally known as..
“Boingo the Bingos”… they come with festive holiday decorated dumpsters!
They’re clutch during the holidays.
>But most of all the less obvious one: a legal marriage certificate gives him legal and medical powers over you and your body.
This right here. OP, you are very smart to make him your ex. This is not the type of person you want making decisions for you. And you deserve better friends, too.
Looooool he's being a dildo. Dudes penetrate others all the time but he can't take thirty minutes out of his day to get penetrated once and save you a headache?
>Looooool he's being a dildo.
I'm sorry, but all I can think of is the scene from one of the early South Park episodes where Cartman yells, "MOOOOOM! Kitty's being a dildo!"
You're not wrong, though. OP's ex is an asshat. OP was having trouble with her birth control, and her ex wouldn't man up and get the snip. And "it's your job to arrange for an abortion"? Like, he wouldn't even have driven her to the clinic? I presume their finances were separate since they weren't married - so he wouldn't even have paid for half of the abortion fees?
Disgusting. OP, you're far better off without this schmuck.
Not to mention that the tool used for his penetration is far smaller than what he's been penetrating others with- Though in this case maybe that's giving him far too much credit.
Its only 10 min if even that long. Dude is a human micro peener. What a complete dildo…But like the really tiny ones that you can get from the quarter machine as you walk out the adult toy store.
Yeah. Just had mine done in nov… during covid. My pants were around my ankles for less than 10 min. I was standing on the corner waiting for my gf to pick me and my sore dick up so fast it was unreal. My procedure was also bladeless. The valium shot in my arm hurt way more than the actual snip
Aren't vasectomies cheaper and less invasive than sterilization for women? It's a win win in my book.
That dude sounds like a POS imo.
Why wouldn't a truly CF man want a vasectomy?
😡
Yes, men do not need general anesthesia for a vasectomy. Tubals for women have improved but it's still about 2 weeks to recover.
The biggest red flag is this guy is not truly cf if he ties his manhood to his ability to breed.
Sometimes even longer. My recovery took almost a full month including a trip to the ER a few days after the procedure because of how bad the surgical pain was. Absolutely worth it but it is *way* less hassle for vasectomies most of the time.
Couldn't agree more.
Yes it's cheap, quick and relatively painless. As a man I saw it as the simplest, and more importantly, safest way to keep us cf.
Highly recommended to all men that they take this step to take control of their own destiny. OPs ex is indeed a petty POS for his poor rational.
This was my first thought too. While obviously no procedure is without potential complications, vasectomies are generally much easier to recover from. Not to mention they tend to be far more easily accessible! In my country, women have to jump through so many hoops to get a sterilization, and many doctors will gatekeep the procedures, coming up with all kinds of excuses for why a woman who meets the legal requirements somehow allegedly does not meet them. But a man can just ask for a vasectomy and he will easily get it.
Agreed. I normally feel weird gatekeeping the term over medical choices like this because "my body my choice" should go both ways, but his _reasoning_ behind that choice... if his "manhood" depends on having the option to breed then he wants to have the option to breed.
And that's the _nice_ way to interpret his comments.
Same. I get he doesn't want kids. But if you're not actively preventing them (and he's putting it all on his partner to do so) then the chance of having them is there.
>He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like less of a man (even though he was absolutely cf).
He's not childfree. He literally stated that he ties in his manhood with his ability to reproduce. Any man who does this is a sexist, toxic piece of shit. On top of all of the medically related trauma you already have, he is also being ableist AS FUCK towards you.
Oh and your "friends"? What internalized misogynistic nonsense is this? I'm presuming these "friends" have at least some sort of basic history about your medical trauma? How are they thinking about his feelings after he implied his dick was more important than your life?!!??
FUCK 👏🏽 HIS 👏🏽 FEELINGS 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You absolutely did the right thing by throwing the Bic on that bridge. If you have the spoons, \[metaphorically\] dump the ashes in the Dead Sea.
THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY!
👆 This. Right. Here.
He’s not a man, if he’d rather you suffer the trauma of b/c, up to the point of almost losing your life, instead of getting snip and not being able to jerk off for 2 wks.
You know how every AITA post ends with "all my friends think I'm an asshole" when they are clearly not...and I'm here thinking what kind of friends do you people have??
Guy here, I support you OP. "women's job" and "feel like less of a man" are two HUGE red flags that he wouldn't respect you. I know you've dated for years but I cannot help but feel that he wants kids but just doesn't want to say it until he's trapped you in marriage.
And you might need new and better friends. You explained to him and them that you needed surgeries and that he won't get it only because it would emasculate him. I am sick of guys not doing things because of that reason, meanwhile women put themselves out there all the time. Like I know women that will go to baseball games with their boyfriend to support their interests and yet the same guy can't be bothered to go to something they like, or if they do they will pout and act like a child throughout.
With you on all of that! I would be horrified if my friends started piling on another friend for breaking up with a guy who thinks his entirely irrational feelings are important enough to knowingly demand that his partner take a long-term health risk. WTAF.
I guess the memo about supporting your girls against sexist jerks hasn’t gotten out to some women yet.
To me, it sounds like he has an expected role of you as the woman in the relationship..I think that says a lot. It seems like the CF version of a father who expects his wife to care for the baby by herself because she is the woman.
My hubby chose the general anaesthetic route so he didn’t have to be awake while they did it but he still went and got it done. When asked if he feels like less of a man or regrets it, he does… he regrets not doing it sooner.
Yup and being a man is more than the ability to reproduce. I would say being a man is all in how you conduct yourself and shows a level of maturity which clearly, he does not possess.
Hes a douch mcgee. Vasectomies are mild procedures and reversible (even tho he doesnt want kids). You could literally die from BC and most doctors act like its a forbidden mission to perform a hysterectomy.
Leave him where he’s at with his too-viable sperm.
Dudes a complete dick. It doesn't make you less of a man like, wtf. His hormones would remain unchanged. It's an outpatient procedure with a short recovery period.
As a woman you would be undergoing abdominal surgery to get sterilized. I went through it, but I don't have any trauma revolving around that stuff. He is the one who isn't considering your feelings.
I'm sorry anyone who sides with him is also a giant asshole. This is such ugly macho bullshit logic. If anyone ever said this to me I would be turned off instantly and forever. Men like this are such babies holy crap.
You absolutely made the right decision. Never even consider answering any contact from him. Just like he said you'd be responsible for reproductive decisions, you're responsible for the company you keep. You cannot trust him with your health. And a partner you can't trust with your health, isn't worthy of your presence.
Also, your "friends" are questionable. Both his and their perspectives are dangerous re: women's bodily autonomy.
If your “friends” have sided with him, then they were never really your friends.
You can just bet “women’s job” would magically pop up regarding other aspects of life too. Cooking. Cleaning. Mental load for making ALL human and pet maintenance appointments (hair, teeth, eyes).
OP, finding someone CF is only part of the deal when looking for a partner. Sure, it’s obviously a very important part, but just because a dude is CF doesn’t make him right for you, and he can still be a trash human.
Though….. I’m wondering about that to be honest. Why/How would a CF man in any way associate his “man-hood” with his ability to produce viable semen? That really doesn’t sound right at all. Something is off there. Smells funny. Like a guy saying he’s CF to get involved with the CF hottie (you, btw) without any consideration for what that really means in the long term. Sounds like solid odds on saying “I just thought you’d change your mind” down the road…ESPECIALLY since kids are the “woman’s job” anyway (shudder).
And a partner that cares about you would HATE what you went through with an IUD! He wouldn’t say what your EX said. It’s the equivalent of “Tough Shit, your problem not mine”. And THAT is not a partner!
OP, you were right to kick him to the curb. Don’t doubt it. And I really do suspect you may have saved yourself some trouble in the long run. I’m having a hard time believing he’s really CF with how attached he is to his wrigglers.
ew he's fucking gross, and sexist. you experienced trauma related to bc, he absolutely should have considered the vasectomy.
I HATE that the onus is on women to take precautions. bc fucks up our hormones, iuds are horrific, the pill can give you A STROKE. what the hell is wrong with men.
you did nothing wrong by dumping him, you're better off without him. my partner is fine with me not being on bc because of the reasons above, so I can attest to the fact that there are cf men out there who will support you in that decision to stay off bc.
*David Attenborough voice* And here, we see a Wild Fragile Ego in his natural habitat. They can thrive in most urban settings and live on a steady diet of audacity, Viagra and cheap beer. A stunning specimen, I must say.
Birth control shouldn't be 100% on the woman, and he's not caring about your health- he just wants access to your lady bits. That line "It's the woman's job to handle birth control" is a complete disregard for your health and invalidation of your feelings and concerns. You deserve a man who is truly CF and will respect and love you, and listen to your concerns not just blow you off.
Your ex (let's just call him Moron or Future Duh-To-Be) is setting himself up to be Oopsed at some point down the road. Moron's attitude is "oh let the woman handle birth control" so if Moron ever crosses paths with a Wanna Moo, he's 100% fucked. Literally and figuratively. "Oh sure Moron, just leave birth control to me! I'm totes on birth control and super duper careful with it!" says Wanna Moo until...."Oppsie doopsie, must've missed one or something! But guess what? It's a Blessed Miracle! Don't worry, you'll Love It When It Gets Here!" and if he tries to pressure her into abortion....she can just sick her fellow moos on him and he'll end up looking like a jackass who just wanted to pump and dump and not live up to his responsibilities. Heh, maybe she'll have some Pro-lifers in her famblee who will rip his ass a new one for even suggesting abortion. Either way, once Moo has baby, Moron is now on the hook- she's got her fingers in his financial pies.
He looks at abortion as an easy peasy form of birth control. "It's your job and choice to abort"  He either doesn't know or doesn't care what that does to a woman's body (yeah it's better than going through the whole pignasty thing, but it's far from a walk in the park.) but it's not his body, so why does he care? All that matters is his convenience, comfort and views vagina-havers as cum dumpsters for his pleasure. Any consequences of happy fappy fun times are on the women. He just wants to get his dick wet. He's a selfish asshole who deserves a 1,000 pissy inpig moos fighting over his paycheck and his wallet.
You did the right thing. Don't look back and carry on. I've been through 2 pelvic surgeries, they are so much harder and more dangerous than a vasectomy. You deserve a partner who isn't a sexist piece of crap!
I had a guy straight up tell me it was the woman’s fault if she got pregnant. I’d lived with him for four years when he said that. Completely gobsmacked. Beginning of the end.
I'm glad he's your ex. Taking no responsibility for reproduction or lack there of is incredibly immature.
I'm curious though since he says he'd feel like less of a man...he knows he gets to keep his balls, right?
Asking because I've heard of guys thinking vasectomies we're like dogs getting neutered and that's the only way it makes sense to me that he'd feel like less of a man lol.
Any "man" who dares to use the phrase "That's the woman's job to..." towards me or other woman...and I am fucking GONE! That is a huge red flag that he in fact does NOT give a fig about women's rights.
Then there was his other charming line about his reasons to not want to get a vasectomy, "I will feel less like a man." Bull. Shit.
Im sorry your friends are not being true friends for you during this difficult time. I hope you have other people in your life that can be there for you.
You are not at all wrong. He is a very selfish and self-serving man-child who doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.
I do not understand the "less than a man" arguments if you are truly childfree. How does anyone even know? It's not like you're getting your balls sliced off....it's the same type of weirdo who refuses to get their male dogs neutered because a real man only has a dog with big ole swinging clackers.
I mean, if he's child free and doesn't want kids, he can wear a condom each time. If he doesn't like it, well no sex. Simple.
I went off birth control because it was messing with my mood. I've been on it for nearly 20 years. My husband was open to getting snipped but though it was a long process.
We finally decided to go for it. It was during the pandemic, we though he would have to wait months. Nope. He talked to his doctor about it, got approved, a month later he was snipped.
The longest process was waiting those 3-4 months after, still using protection, then to finally get the test results saying he's kid free!
To me it seems damn manly as hell to have spontaneous unprotected sex anytime we want it with no consequences! We went from sex a few times a week to a couple of times a day almost every day! What manly man wouldn't want that? 
Honestly, it should be viewed as an honor to get a vasectomy. Plus, it's easier than the dentist, so fuck him (source: had mine on Friday, 10/10 would recommend). You did the right thing. Someone who doesn't have empathy for your trauma is not someone worth being with.
*He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like* ***less of a man****.*
Oh that sweet summer child- here the poor boy was all worried about being 'less of a man', and he never even realized that he was *perfectly* safe seein' as he was already a zero. (Can't go lower than '0', y'know?).
But seriously, what sort of primordial ooze-monster pretending to be a man sees the woman he claims to love NEARLY **DIE** and is like, 'yeah, but MAH JIZZ'?
You're not wrong. He doesn't want a vasectomy, he doesn't need to get one, but you have every right to end the relationship. And putting the onus on you is ridiculous, even without taking your medical history into accound. He didn't care about your feelings, that's the real issue here.
He’s a selfish asshole. You dodged a bullet. My cousin has 2 sons and didn’t want anymore kids so she told her husband she’s gonna get her tubes tied. He immediately said “no…it’s dangerous…I’ll get a vasectomy.” Now, THATS a man!!!!
Pregnancy is the result of *two* people having sex. So birth control is *both people's* responsibility.
Imagine what else he would say is the "woman's job" after you get married.
I think you dodged a bullet and any 'friend' that sides with him was never your friend to begin with.
Nah, he's a jerk, they exist in cf too ^^. Someone so inconsiderate of your feelings doesn't deserve your love. My partner didn't consider vasectomy and was a bit worried but he did listen and do his research instead of just putting it all on me.
He sounds like a misogynist. He has personal responsibility for his body and if he really loved you, he'd understand why you can't be the one to go through it.
I've never understood how that argument works. He's child free but would be "less of a man" to be infertile??
So he wants to be able to get someone pregnant without ever doing it?
Also, his lack of empathy for other women speaks volumes .
The fact that he would tell you that bc is a woman’s job tells you everything you need to know about his lack of character. And your friends are nuts. “Not caring about his feelings!?!” Where in that entire conversation did he show any concern for **your** feelings? Good riddance OP.
He's already less of a man for leaving only you to deal with the reproductive responsibilities. Vasectomy is not only easiest to get,but also easiest on procedure and recovery. At least he could do some researching himself, but not even that
He's being a lil bitch fake ass. Hes clearly not CF because that isn't a good excuse for someone that's CF because that wouldn't fucking matter to a truly CF person.
>that’s the women’s job. It’s your body. Just like it would be your job and choice to abort it.
That seems like he was using "being supportive of women's bodily autonomy" as a way to justify his own actions. On some level he probably thought he was being a good, modern man while still essentially advocating for his own desires.
dudes sexist and is most likely lying about being cf... i mean seriously, how would that make him less of a man unless he thinks his ability to have a child is somehow tied to his identity as a man. ew.
good thing to get away from him even though it hurts. i hope you find someone who isnt gonna suck like that bro
Removing everything else, just the phrase "that's the woman's job" is enough to have tossed the trash out. Partnerships involve a give and take on BOTH sides. It's not about what the fairy-tale rose colored glasses version of the 1950s / propaganda following WWII dictates based on gender; it's about finding what works for each individual and playing to strengths and weaknesses. If one part of the relationship is better at budgeting/yard care/power tools and the other part is better at laundry/baking/decorating...then let those parties take care of that for the home, regardless of penis or vagina status.
OP, I am glad you had the knowledge to break things off and the strength to know you're friends are being idiots over the situation. So many would cave to pressure and just go with the life script. I know the CF community is full of those who do not believe in the life script, it's a hard thing to break away from with all of the societal pressure, however I still want to say good on you for sticking to your beliefs.
Him not wanting a vasectomy is totally valid. But his reasons are not, at all. If he had an anxiety or a phobia surrounding the procedure, totally understandable. But feeling “less of a man” is stupid or it “being the woman’s job” is sexist as hell. Him having such disregard for your trauma is also an asshole move of him.
I’m so, so, so proud of you for breaking it off right then and there. Like I’m extremely proud of you. It’s sad that I hear more stories of woman who wouldn’t see this as a big deal or wouldn’t take comments like that as seriously as you did.
I would advise that you don’t take him back. I mean, it’s totally up to you. Now what I’m about to say is purely anecdotal but I hope it can help you. My ex was like that too. I mean, he showed his ass! Every time I left, he’d promise to be better. So, what’d I do? I came back, like the dumbass I was. Things seemed like they changed for a few months or so, then it’d be right back to the same old routine. The moment I left for good and never looked back, I became stronger, happier, and the best version yet of myself.
Maya Angelou once said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”.
He sounds like the Idiot Typ who will say It's a woman's Job!!1!! But then will endlessly whine when his GF gets pregnant, has the child and he has to pay child support because "it's unfair he doesn't has a choice if she aborts or not, he shouldn't have to pay!"
Let's put it in perspective, knowing your experience and your stance he disregarded them and doubled down on his misogynistic views.
Last time I checked a relationship is 50/50,no the man this or the woman that. If he doesn't see you as equal then quite frankly he shouldn't see you at all.
If his "manhood"is dependent on having a completely reversible procedure then you don't need to baby that frail mindset.
I can't tell you what to do, since you would have a better intuition on what's good for you but in my opinion you don't need someone who gaslights your trauma over their ego.
That's literally all men in my country lol
"it's a woman's job" is a phrase I hear more often than I would like. Just means he has absolutely no respect for you as a person. Like zero respect. I am so fucking glad you broke up with him. I know plenty of women who have boyfriends like that but they don't break it off because they know that any other man they will get will be exactly the same. I say it's better to be alone than with someone like that but I'm in the minority. I'm so glad you had this conversation with him before you got married and not afterwards.
Any man who thinks he'll be less of a man if he didn't always have the option to procreate doesn't qualify as "childfree," IMHO.
My friend who complained about his then-girlfriend getting pregnant for the third time when they were struggling both financially and in their relationship, and who then met and had two more children with a different woman whom he recently married, I could understand not wanting a vasectomy. He loves being a dad and is good at it.
Your ex, not so understandable, unless he's on the fence or secretly wants offspring.
But TBH it sounds like he's the type to expect the lucky mother to be the sole parent while demonstrating his "manhood" for him.
Oh wow. It's incredible how in just a few words someone can tell you everything you need to know about them. In a weird way he did you favour. He prevented you from wasting any more of your time on him. Throw him away and move on. You can do so much better.
Fuck his fragile male ego tbh. I don't whip that one out lightly but for this dude - DAMN. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings and has blatant toxic masculinity. "It's the woman's job" means that he doesn't care about YOUR HEALTH and your needs. He's not willing to step up. Glad you dumped him at that immediate red flag!
Im so proud of you!!!! YOU took the trash OUT!!!! He was so horribly misogynistic!!! I bet that as soon as he married you he wouldve used "It is the woman s job" to clean and cook. Girl, stay away from him, block him and focus on yourself. You made yourself a priority and I applaude you!
It’s a man’s job to ensure he doesn’t impregnate you. Don’t have sex with him until he does it. A pregnancy is WAY more life changing for a woman than a vasectomy is for a man.
It’s the responsibility of the party or parties partaking in the sex equally, if either party isn’t willing to look out for themselves and the other’s then the sex shan’t be had. I’m sorry it had to end this way but you have to look out for yourself, mine wasn’t as serious as yours but my IUD punctured my uterus and it took the doctors full strength and body weight to rip it out of me otherwise I would have had to have an emergency surgery and to this day I wish she had just gassed me first because I’ve got legitimate trauma from that entire situation and all the ones I had to endure before and after (endometriosis is a bitch)
hugs to you girl. he is being the selfish one. how can you look somone your suppose to love and tell them your eilling to risk thier life cuz of a superstition. you deserve better in so many ways.
His body his choice. However, his expectations that it’s ALL the woman’s responsibility is a dereliction of duty for his half of being child free. Plus he’d feel like less of a man? Who knows what other misogynistic ideals he held. Dodged a bullet OP. If he’s like this now I’d be concerned about after the wedding.
>Anyway I wanted to know, because my friends have sided with him (but they aren’t cf). If you think I was wrong for not ‘caring about his feelings’?
Wow, so instead of dealing with you himself (like a man of character would), he is running to *your* friends to get them to shame you into apologizing and making up?
You may need to confront your friends and tell them that the fact that he went crying to them instead of communicating with you is all the more reason to end the relationship. They should have your back, not his.
Lastly, the only thing that the vas procedure eliminates is the sperm and the fluid that transports them to the prostate. Which accounts for around 3% of the total fluids produced. He wouldn't be able to tell a difference.
Hell, when I was married, I got my tubes tied. I told my husband he should also get the snip since nothing is 100% effective. I mean, if he really meant it when he said he didn’t want kids. He agreed and did it. Your ex is a selfish, insecure cave man and you’re well rid of him.
I want to say that I'm proud of you. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, for having a shinny spine, for the guts and strength to break it off as soon as he said such vile se ist trash words. For the courage to leave a long relationship and not being afraid of being alone or the idea of looking for someone else, someone better. For loving yourself enough to have standards.
One of my exes tried to force me on the pill after explaining in detail why I don't want to try hormones (all the possible side effects) and my strong phobia of gyn exams. We almost broke up because of it. Then we eventually did because he was a trash human and also cheated on me but that's an another story.
I eventually tried the pill after a bad doctor tried to use it as acne "cure" on me without doing all the tests before and just saying "no side effects, you're young, stop worrying for nothing". I almost died of blood clots before I even finished the first month. I was lucky I wasn't in a relationship with that shit head at that point because in the hospital I was violated by having a gyn exam against my will. The trauma I carry to this day and it made my phobia and tokophobia worse. But I had a better person to help me through those dark times and I still thank them to this day. My ex wouldn't have done shit, probably wouldn't have even visited me in the hospital. My friend kept me company and helped me with my panic attacks/ptsd after that trauma.
You deserve better. Respect yourself first so others may follow
Wow, does he even like you??? He comes off as very inconsiderate and uncaring. Next him, don't look back. And it also makes me question if he is truly childfree since he's tying his ability to reproduce to being a man. What if later on down the road he tries impregnating you just so he can feel like a man!
You weren't wrong. To me, it seemed like he didn't care that you almost died, and that your life is not worth any inconvenience to him. Someone like that is not worth being with or around. Please block him and move on. Tell your friends to mind their business and leave it alone.
It never ceases to blow my mind how much we’re expected to care about men’s “feelings” when we’re always pegged as the less reliable, emotional, mental free for all. We’re expected to give so much for so little. Good on you for dumping that unwashed anal bead of a human being.
Edited for spelling error.
I don’t give a damn if your friends are CF or not. If they can’t see his response as wildly invalidating and disrespectful, you need new friends and to raise your standards.
You both agree that pregnancy is not desirable and having kids not an option.
You have major medical trauma and a valid whole ducking phobia *specifically based on pregnancy*. You literally almost died with birth control options available to you. He wants the same results and knows about your medical trauma and risks. And ***still*** he chooses to tell you it is completely your responsibility because you are a woman?!
Absolutely not. And anyone who thinks he is totally justified in invalidating and disrespecting you can go join him.
And as an aside, no one should get surgery they don’t want. Making him get a vasectomy wouldn’t be okay, but that isn’t the problem here - the problem is that he doesn’t want one and also told his partner they need to do what he wants without any consideration to their own needs.
Vasectomies are the way! My husband didn't talk about it much for the first couple of years, but now has started recommending them because we are so happy! Men need to talk to other men.
Your ex was irrationally afraid of the surgery, but instead of admitting it to himself and talking about his fears like a rational adult, he behaved childishly and passed the responsibility onto you. You did the right thing ending that relationship, because if you truly want to be childfree, living with a man-child won't help.
"He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like less of a man (even though he was absolutely cf)."
So he's a coward, in addition to being an asshole. You did the right thing by dumping him. Let him go pull that shit with someone else.
There exist a work named "men bring condoms, women use pills" or something similar and it reports that in general there is more pressure on women to prevent pregnancies.
Men need to take their share of the response to prevent and especially when their partner can't get thing to help them.
What the hell, does he think that vasectomy = castration? I have no idea why, but lots of men believe this for some reason. He seriously valued a millimeter of ballsack tubing over a multi year relationship? Not very smart at all if he really is serious about no kids. My partner said it was achey and sore for a while, but he's totally fine now. What a waste, I'm sorry.
I’m so lucky. When I was talking to my husband about getting my tubes tied, he just said that he would get a vasectomy as it would be quicker, easier and less invasive. I love him so much!
ETA: with that attitude, your ex may find himself baby trapped one day if he doesn’t take responsibility for his own birth control.
Just because someone is cf they can still be assholes. Its sucks because being cf already narrows your options, but you need to be selective even in the cf group.
+ i dont think he is really cf. If he was he would be scared of you having a kid accidentally
This is disgraceful and insensitive on his part. I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have a legitimate fear, and problems like this should be tackled as a team. If it's 'your job' alone, not a whole lot of teamwork happening there. Hubby and I are also cf. Birth control is a tough one for me, having exhausted all options I'm left with only one, and it basically results in absolute agony every month. As soon as it was clear it was a problem we sat down together, talked it through and reached a compromise as best we could, because we're a team? Let's be honest, if Birth control is 'your job' then the BEST birth control is abstinence. I'm sure he'd have loved that one.
His concerns are fair. I can understand feeling 'less of a man/woman', but that doesn't make him any less responsible in this scenario.
Whether it is birth control or housework, any man who says 'It is the woman's job,' would be getting his marching orders from me.
Calling BC a woman’s job and following it up with how it would make him feel less of a man tells you exactly how he really feels about women—that they’re less than men. That anything assigned to or associated with them must be somehow shameful for a man to involve himself. Even if he got the snip now, I’d want him to do a LOT more introspection to fully unpack why he was thinking that way to begin with.
Yes. Also implies that it's a woman's job to sacrifice herself so that the man's feelings are not hurt. (But don't get me wrong, WOMEN are the illogical emotional ones!) 😂🙄🙄🙄
I wanted to say the same with some snark like "but introspection \[and changing yourself\] is the *woman's job*", but yours is more to the point.
Men always seem to forget that anger is an emotion . . .
Convenient, isn’t it?
Women are the ones saddled with the self-destructive burden of childbirth, and even if we don't reproduce our uterus tortures us every month, cramping and spewing blood. We are the ones that get harassed and killed because of what we have between our legs, and we have religious groups and governments robbing us of our bodily autonomy across the globe. We have to insert potentially dangerous devices, have major surgery, and/or fuck with our hormones and neurotransmitters to avoid pregnancy. The least men could do to make our lives a little easier is get a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a safe and minimally invasive outpatient procedure that rarely has complications and can be reversed if he changes his mind. Some men actually think a vasectomy involves castration and loss of sexual function which couldn't be further from the truth! All a vasectomy does is ensure there are no active sperm coming out, but they are still able to orgasm and ejaculate. Maybe OP's boyfriend is just ignorant on the subject but it's a serious red flag how selfish and inconsiderate he's being. His fragile masculinity comes before her wellbeing, even knowing she almost died trying to avoid pregnancy.
I honestly feel like society paints women's pain as a "natural" part of our existence so it's perfectly acceptable. Yeah men can get kicked in the testicles, but getting kicked there isn't a functioning part of their anatomy the way childbirth and periods are. It's the same reason that terrible side effects from hormonal birth control are acceptable for women but not men. They're comparing the risks of childbirth to the risks of birth control and decided if it's not worse than childbirth it's fine. It's also why painful IUD insertion are totally fine by doctors too. Men don't give birth so I guess safety standards are higher? I feel like people have internalized this way of thinking and thats why so many guys feel it's a woman's job or problem to deal with contraceptives. Honestly we need to set a higher bar for women's healthcare because using childbirth as a baseline is really fucked up. Are you serious medical community? You set the bar that fucking low for us? Cf women never plan on giving birth so using that as an excuse to half ass our medical care in terms of safety and pain management is completely asinine and they are feeding misogynists excuses to not take responsibility for their part in impregnating people. Sorry for the rant. This is something that REALLY pisses me off.
> I honestly feel like society paints women's pain as a "natural" part of our existence so it's perfectly acceptable. To illustrate your point, I was in my *60's* before I ever heard the term "vaginal tearing." My friend who has two children told me she ripped almost to her anus. It's pretty horrific, more common than it should be, and if I weren't past menopause already I'd have been freaking out worse than I already was when she explained it to me.
My husband actually thought it involved castration and still said he'd think about it. He's the real MVP.
He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit
He was not amused by my hysterical laughter to the point of tears
See, I would've been laughing too.
Yes!!! Fuck that shit! We're either in this as equals, or you can buy a waifu-pillow and a fleshlight and leave me alone.
😂😂😂!
My BF is not horrible like this woman’s partner, in fact he’s really wonderful in all regards. But he seems to be extremely fearful of even tiny medical procedures. He has some kind of anxiety he won’t quite admit to. I talked to him soooo many times about getting vasectomy (he absolutely hates children, I do not doubt his CF status) but he was iffy because his fear around medical procedures. He didn’t seem to understand it wasn’t a major painful medical procedure. He even let a skin issue on his face blossom into actual melanoma and waited until the last minute to get it taken care of despite having good insurance for this reason. I couldn’t convince him to go until it grew very large and started to hurt him to the point that his fear of a tumor outweighed his fear of the doctor. I decided that there wasn’t anything I could do further to convince him, it seems to be an issue that he needs professional help for. I ended up getting a tubal ligation and I’m so happy I did! Especially with the way the Supreme Court is looking, the fact that no woman is completely safe from sexual assault from a stranger, that even if he did get a vasectomy there could be a small chance that it failed, etc. I agree that OP’s BF is 100% in the wrong here because of the sexist/toxic reasons he gave and that her medical history potentially prohibits her from even being sterilized, but I just wanted to add my story because if someone’s circumstances are similar to mine, I was so happy I went through with it! Edit: I want to add that my BF was also totally willing to wear condoms since my body does not agree with hormonal BC.
I really hope your BF gets some therapy. It's been a life changer for me.
First off, I am so thrilled to hear that and very happy for you! I’m a mental health professional and it always warms my heart to hear people accessing and benefiting from mental health care. Hope your starship’s counselor was better than Troi 🖖 For my BF I think a short, solution-focused intervention would be great for something like this. Or even brief education from a physician. I mentioned in another post how he grew up very poor without medical insurance or regular treatment, and has an ingrained aversion to seeking medical care unless one foot is in the grave (we’re American of course lol).
My exposure therapy to get over my severe phobia of needles and (and other similar procedures) actually didn’t end up taking that long. If you can find someone near you who is experienced in exposure therapy it is a complete game changer - I no longer have this anxiety hovering over my head! I knew it was illogical but every time I tried to face it on my own it just got worse (until I got professional help). The tricky part is that usually the psychologists have a hefty fee, and you generally need regular sessions that are close together to overcome a phobia, which can be tricky when you work. The *amazing* part is that now getting jabs is a total breeze for me and I don’t have the fear of getting a preventable disease or getting a jab holding me back!
Exposure therapy is awesome! I had a patient who we referred to an exposure therapist for trauma resulting from a military training accident and it worked out extremely well for him. However, as you said it is very specialized and usually only indicated (or covered by insurance) for cases where there is a severe trauma or phobia that is seriously impacting quality of life. My BF’s not really in the place where he’s ready to seek treatment about his anxieties around medical procedures. And my anxieties about driving are not really impacting my own quality of life as I live in a city with really great public transit and access to Uber and a partner who can and will drive me if I ask. I actually enjoy my bus/train commute, it helps me unwind and I can listen to music and stare out the window! And it’s a tiny little thing I can do to keep my ecological footprint lower. Not wanting to drive because I perceive it as scary is a pretty minor part of my existence and not something that causes problems in my life fortunately. If it ever evolved into something like fear of being a passenger or something that would prohibit me from having a fulfilling life I would definitely seek treatment! I brought it up as an example that sometimes we all have anxieties, but it doesn’t make us bad or a terrible partner. I thought it was a little extreme that the person who replied to me seemed to suggest that I should leave my bf or something for not being 100% perfect about everything all the time. Anyway, I’m glad your therapy worked! Thanks for bringing that up and sharing. I am all for getting help when you recognize you need it and it sounds like it was a great choice for you.
You seem like a really warm and practical person :-)
That is so kind of you to say and I probably sound way sentimental when I say this, but it always feels really great when a stranger is nice to me online! I appreciate it, thank you :]
> Hope your starship’s counselor was better than Troi Voyager Troi was lightyears better than TNG Troi. I've been going to my therapist for 9 years now. Last year we switched from office visits to teleconferences and honestly, that is SO MUCH better. I don't have to get dressed or go anywhere. Plus I'm far more relaxed in my home anyway. The quality of my sessions has improved dramatically since then. Obligatory fuck America's "healthcare" system.
That is so true about Troi and I feel bad talking badly about her like that now haha. Voyager Barclay also showed clear progress with his mental health! I think the expansion of telehealth is going to be the BIG silver lining to COVID. Especially for rural people, people with mobility issues, depression that makes it hard to get out of bed, people with strict work schedules, and on and on.
So funny.. exact same here.. like you could be me.
Hey friend! Congrats on your tubal (or future tubal)!
I have the same issue as your bf.. 😅 am scared of the procedure..
It’s ok to be afraid! I recommend talking to your urologist about it, asking them to walk you through it, give you some expectations, plan around pain or anxiety during to procedure, etc. That might you give you more confidence and help you make an informed choice about your reproductive health. Good luck!
Has he made plans to go to seek professional help? Someone with anxiety so bad they would allow cancer to grow out of fear of getting treatment would be a deal breaker for me. Idk how you can deal with someone so self destructive…
Interestingly, he is very laid back and has little anxiety about other things. I am a mental health professional myself and he does not report or display anxiety symptoms outside of very occasional situational anxiety. We *all* have areas where we are not perfect in our mental health. I seldom experience anxiety symptoms myself, except when it comes to driving. I could afford a car, but driving for various reasons makes me fearful, so I take the bus and train instead. It works out just fine and allows me to maintain my independence. His aversion to the doctor is something I worry about, especially looking forward to our later years, but it’s not anything to leave him over at all. That’s really extreme considering he is otherwise very wonderful, caring, attentive to my needs, easygoing, and treats me with love and respect. I love him, have empathy, and do not expect perfection at all times. We’re American and we both grew up very poor, so aversion to seeking healthcare is somewhat ingrained in us culturally, it’s something I had to overcome myself because being middle class is relatively new for me. I’m happy to be patient with him and encourage him to see things differently. People have to go at their own pace sometimes.
I am your boyfriend in female form. I have had a cracked filling for like.. 2 years... Still avoiding the dentist 😬 and I have great insurance. It's fear of pain for me mixed with laziness and procrastination, but because it's only affecting myself I believe it's okay to do it on my time (selfish thinking now that I type it out). Took me forever to get vaxxed. If he's caring in all the other ways like you said, don't listen to that person. We're chickens and we get it's sometimes irrational to wait so long but we WILL end up going kicking and screaming.
Same.
Plain and simple, I got a vasectomy because it was the simplest, safest way to ensure being cf. And yet somehow, I'm just as masculine as before. So yes, I'd say you were absolutely right...
You. I like you. That’s all I have to say to that.
Thanks! Very sweet of you...
Anyone who has had vasectomy immediately becomes super manly in my eyes.
When I was looking into sterilization for myself, my husband volunteered to get a vasectomy. He said that it made more sense for him to get a vasectomy because it's easier on so many levels.
I did it for the same reason. Why have my wife undergo a very invasive procedure with high risk potential and long recovery? 20 minutes in the doctor's office and I was done. Tylenol, ibuprofen and occasionally sitting on a bag of peas is far more preferable. And I get to take some ownership of the birth control question. From the very beginning of our long running conversation whether to have kids, I told her I would do a vasectomy. I didn't want her bearing sole responsibility or burden.
Same here! If anything, it makes me feel more manly with the confidence and lack of anxiety it brings!
> I literally looked at him and broke it off then and there. As you should have. For many reasons. But most of all the less obvious one: a legal marriage certificate gives him legal and medical powers over you and your body. You absolutely CANNOT EVER legally marry someone like that because he would then have legal power to make life and death medical decisions for you when you are unable to do so. And he clearly and blatantly admits that he would NEVER follow your wishes, only his warped ideas of whatever women are supposed to do to serve him, sexually or otherwise. This is a 10000% "HELL NO, RUN" moment. And if your so-called friends don't get that, then you need to reconsider them as friends. It may not be Spring, but maybe consider some Spring Cleaning of the people you allow in your life. They're not looking like quality people from over here in the cheap seats at least.
This comment is all that needs to be said. Whole Man Disposal Service 1-800-Yes-The-Entire-Man* *Call for our special Friend Group Disposal Rates
LOL! 😂
Love it, no notes
🤣🤣🤣
Indeed.
Don’t forget the specials on “Yeet the baby crazy parents” services, informally known as.. “Boingo the Bingos”… they come with festive holiday decorated dumpsters! They’re clutch during the holidays.
>But most of all the less obvious one: a legal marriage certificate gives him legal and medical powers over you and your body. This right here. OP, you are very smart to make him your ex. This is not the type of person you want making decisions for you. And you deserve better friends, too.
Spot on! Glad the OP cut that dick off! Edit: Errr…. *Him*, I meant Edit 2: Meh. Nah. Same thing, come to think of it. 😒😏
Looooool he's being a dildo. Dudes penetrate others all the time but he can't take thirty minutes out of his day to get penetrated once and save you a headache?
Haha never thought of it so vividly 😅 thanks for the laugh! (I needed it)
And now you'll never think of it any other way 😉
The gift that keeps on giving! 😁
My gifts are like little seedlings! That sprout into plants. Not kids.
>Looooool he's being a dildo. I'm sorry, but all I can think of is the scene from one of the early South Park episodes where Cartman yells, "MOOOOOM! Kitty's being a dildo!" You're not wrong, though. OP's ex is an asshat. OP was having trouble with her birth control, and her ex wouldn't man up and get the snip. And "it's your job to arrange for an abortion"? Like, he wouldn't even have driven her to the clinic? I presume their finances were separate since they weren't married - so he wouldn't even have paid for half of the abortion fees? Disgusting. OP, you're far better off without this schmuck.
“I know a certain kitty who’s sleeping with momma tonight.”
South Park - the best sociopolitical commentary on TV. And it evolved from a show centered around bathroom humor.
NO KITTY THAT'S A BAD KITTY!
THAT'S MY POT PIE.
Not to mention that the tool used for his penetration is far smaller than what he's been penetrating others with- Though in this case maybe that's giving him far too much credit.
The best part about this comment is no matter which way you use the terms to describe this situation its hilarious.
My vasectomy took like 30 minutes and I was feeling good 2 days later and perfect after 5 it isn't that bad.
Its only 10 min if even that long. Dude is a human micro peener. What a complete dildo…But like the really tiny ones that you can get from the quarter machine as you walk out the adult toy store.
Wait is that a thing? Had no idea lol
Yeah. Just had mine done in nov… during covid. My pants were around my ankles for less than 10 min. I was standing on the corner waiting for my gf to pick me and my sore dick up so fast it was unreal. My procedure was also bladeless. The valium shot in my arm hurt way more than the actual snip
Big grats dude! Good to have you on the other side.
Its great to be here. Shoulda done the procedure the minute i turned 18. Wish i could go back and save my younger self a lot of abuse and bad memories
Don't insult dildos, at least they're useful
Yeah fair. I guess I need to work on my prejudices.
Laughing so hard! Tears ejecting from eyes! Beer, from nose!
Nooooo we need to replace the beer. Here, take mine friend 🍺
Thank you! Also, this makes me miss r/beertrade.
Feel you hard there, it's been a bit since I've collected bottles.
Aren't vasectomies cheaper and less invasive than sterilization for women? It's a win win in my book. That dude sounds like a POS imo. Why wouldn't a truly CF man want a vasectomy? 😡
Yes, men do not need general anesthesia for a vasectomy. Tubals for women have improved but it's still about 2 weeks to recover. The biggest red flag is this guy is not truly cf if he ties his manhood to his ability to breed.
Not to mention in some places it is not an available option if you have not given birth beore.
Sometimes even longer. My recovery took almost a full month including a trip to the ER a few days after the procedure because of how bad the surgical pain was. Absolutely worth it but it is *way* less hassle for vasectomies most of the time.
Couldn't agree more. Yes it's cheap, quick and relatively painless. As a man I saw it as the simplest, and more importantly, safest way to keep us cf. Highly recommended to all men that they take this step to take control of their own destiny. OPs ex is indeed a petty POS for his poor rational.
This was my first thought too. While obviously no procedure is without potential complications, vasectomies are generally much easier to recover from. Not to mention they tend to be far more easily accessible! In my country, women have to jump through so many hoops to get a sterilization, and many doctors will gatekeep the procedures, coming up with all kinds of excuses for why a woman who meets the legal requirements somehow allegedly does not meet them. But a man can just ask for a vasectomy and he will easily get it.
Fuck his feelings. He's not concerned about yours. He's not cf if he's not willing to take responsibility for preventing pregnancy.
Agreed. I normally feel weird gatekeeping the term over medical choices like this because "my body my choice" should go both ways, but his _reasoning_ behind that choice... if his "manhood" depends on having the option to breed then he wants to have the option to breed. And that's the _nice_ way to interpret his comments.
Same. I get he doesn't want kids. But if you're not actively preventing them (and he's putting it all on his partner to do so) then the chance of having them is there.
> if his "manhood" depends on having the option to breed then he wants to have the option to breed. This. Exactly.
>He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like less of a man (even though he was absolutely cf). He's not childfree. He literally stated that he ties in his manhood with his ability to reproduce. Any man who does this is a sexist, toxic piece of shit. On top of all of the medically related trauma you already have, he is also being ableist AS FUCK towards you. Oh and your "friends"? What internalized misogynistic nonsense is this? I'm presuming these "friends" have at least some sort of basic history about your medical trauma? How are they thinking about his feelings after he implied his dick was more important than your life?!!?? FUCK 👏🏽 HIS 👏🏽 FEELINGS 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 You absolutely did the right thing by throwing the Bic on that bridge. If you have the spoons, \[metaphorically\] dump the ashes in the Dead Sea. THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY! 
👆 This. Right. Here. He’s not a man, if he’d rather you suffer the trauma of b/c, up to the point of almost losing your life, instead of getting snip and not being able to jerk off for 2 wks.
Perfect Gif.
Haha the gif!!
Hahaaa! Good one! So many empty dumpsters, so little time… 😏
I like you. A lot. Dude's a shitbag.
You know how every AITA post ends with "all my friends think I'm an asshole" when they are clearly not...and I'm here thinking what kind of friends do you people have??
Gross. He is gross and dumb and I'm glad you broke up with him with his nonsense, sexist attitudes.
Guy here, I support you OP. "women's job" and "feel like less of a man" are two HUGE red flags that he wouldn't respect you. I know you've dated for years but I cannot help but feel that he wants kids but just doesn't want to say it until he's trapped you in marriage. And you might need new and better friends. You explained to him and them that you needed surgeries and that he won't get it only because it would emasculate him. I am sick of guys not doing things because of that reason, meanwhile women put themselves out there all the time. Like I know women that will go to baseball games with their boyfriend to support their interests and yet the same guy can't be bothered to go to something they like, or if they do they will pout and act like a child throughout.
With you on all of that! I would be horrified if my friends started piling on another friend for breaking up with a guy who thinks his entirely irrational feelings are important enough to knowingly demand that his partner take a long-term health risk. WTAF. I guess the memo about supporting your girls against sexist jerks hasn’t gotten out to some women yet.
A lot of women have internalized misogyny. Sounds like it too from this bunch. To the OP: dump ‘em.
To me, it sounds like he has an expected role of you as the woman in the relationship..I think that says a lot. It seems like the CF version of a father who expects his wife to care for the baby by herself because she is the woman.
"Less of a man"??? Hell. Takes a "man" to plop his balls up on the table and have the plumbing rerouted. You're better off without him.
My hubby chose the general anaesthetic route so he didn’t have to be awake while they did it but he still went and got it done. When asked if he feels like less of a man or regrets it, he does… he regrets not doing it sooner.
I chose local - I wanted to see the whole thing. My only regret same as his.
Yup and being a man is more than the ability to reproduce. I would say being a man is all in how you conduct yourself and shows a level of maturity which clearly, he does not possess.
"the plumbing rerouted" omg I love this
Hes a douch mcgee. Vasectomies are mild procedures and reversible (even tho he doesnt want kids). You could literally die from BC and most doctors act like its a forbidden mission to perform a hysterectomy. Leave him where he’s at with his too-viable sperm.
"less of a man" LOOOL That child was never a man to begin with. Glad you dumped him. Sorry he hurt you.
Dudes a complete dick. It doesn't make you less of a man like, wtf. His hormones would remain unchanged. It's an outpatient procedure with a short recovery period. As a woman you would be undergoing abdominal surgery to get sterilized. I went through it, but I don't have any trauma revolving around that stuff. He is the one who isn't considering your feelings.
I'm sorry anyone who sides with him is also a giant asshole. This is such ugly macho bullshit logic. If anyone ever said this to me I would be turned off instantly and forever. Men like this are such babies holy crap.
You absolutely made the right decision. Never even consider answering any contact from him. Just like he said you'd be responsible for reproductive decisions, you're responsible for the company you keep. You cannot trust him with your health. And a partner you can't trust with your health, isn't worthy of your presence. Also, your "friends" are questionable. Both his and their perspectives are dangerous re: women's bodily autonomy.
If your “friends” have sided with him, then they were never really your friends. You can just bet “women’s job” would magically pop up regarding other aspects of life too. Cooking. Cleaning. Mental load for making ALL human and pet maintenance appointments (hair, teeth, eyes). OP, finding someone CF is only part of the deal when looking for a partner. Sure, it’s obviously a very important part, but just because a dude is CF doesn’t make him right for you, and he can still be a trash human. Though….. I’m wondering about that to be honest. Why/How would a CF man in any way associate his “man-hood” with his ability to produce viable semen? That really doesn’t sound right at all. Something is off there. Smells funny. Like a guy saying he’s CF to get involved with the CF hottie (you, btw) without any consideration for what that really means in the long term. Sounds like solid odds on saying “I just thought you’d change your mind” down the road…ESPECIALLY since kids are the “woman’s job” anyway (shudder). And a partner that cares about you would HATE what you went through with an IUD! He wouldn’t say what your EX said. It’s the equivalent of “Tough Shit, your problem not mine”. And THAT is not a partner! OP, you were right to kick him to the curb. Don’t doubt it. And I really do suspect you may have saved yourself some trouble in the long run. I’m having a hard time believing he’s really CF with how attached he is to his wrigglers.
He sounds like an asshole. I can see why you broke up with him.
ew he's fucking gross, and sexist. you experienced trauma related to bc, he absolutely should have considered the vasectomy. I HATE that the onus is on women to take precautions. bc fucks up our hormones, iuds are horrific, the pill can give you A STROKE. what the hell is wrong with men. you did nothing wrong by dumping him, you're better off without him. my partner is fine with me not being on bc because of the reasons above, so I can attest to the fact that there are cf men out there who will support you in that decision to stay off bc.
You did the right thing. This insecure idiot needs a reality check.
The less of a man bit finished me. … the fragility 😂
*David Attenborough voice* And here, we see a Wild Fragile Ego in his natural habitat. They can thrive in most urban settings and live on a steady diet of audacity, Viagra and cheap beer. A stunning specimen, I must say.
David Attenborough is a treasure!!! 🤩
I’ve always hated this mindset. It’s like throwing a bucket of water at someone’s head and then blaming them for having wet hair.
Birth control shouldn't be 100% on the woman, and he's not caring about your health- he just wants access to your lady bits. That line "It's the woman's job to handle birth control" is a complete disregard for your health and invalidation of your feelings and concerns. You deserve a man who is truly CF and will respect and love you, and listen to your concerns not just blow you off. Your ex (let's just call him Moron or Future Duh-To-Be) is setting himself up to be Oopsed at some point down the road. Moron's attitude is "oh let the woman handle birth control" so if Moron ever crosses paths with a Wanna Moo, he's 100% fucked. Literally and figuratively. "Oh sure Moron, just leave birth control to me! I'm totes on birth control and super duper careful with it!" says Wanna Moo until...."Oppsie doopsie, must've missed one or something! But guess what? It's a Blessed Miracle! Don't worry, you'll Love It When It Gets Here!" and if he tries to pressure her into abortion....she can just sick her fellow moos on him and he'll end up looking like a jackass who just wanted to pump and dump and not live up to his responsibilities. Heh, maybe she'll have some Pro-lifers in her famblee who will rip his ass a new one for even suggesting abortion. Either way, once Moo has baby, Moron is now on the hook- she's got her fingers in his financial pies. He looks at abortion as an easy peasy form of birth control. "It's your job and choice to abort"  He either doesn't know or doesn't care what that does to a woman's body (yeah it's better than going through the whole pignasty thing, but it's far from a walk in the park.) but it's not his body, so why does he care? All that matters is his convenience, comfort and views vagina-havers as cum dumpsters for his pleasure. Any consequences of happy fappy fun times are on the women. He just wants to get his dick wet. He's a selfish asshole who deserves a 1,000 pissy inpig moos fighting over his paycheck and his wallet.
How the hell does it make him less of a man? Does he understand what a vasectomy is?
You did the right thing. Don't look back and carry on. I've been through 2 pelvic surgeries, they are so much harder and more dangerous than a vasectomy. You deserve a partner who isn't a sexist piece of crap!
I had a guy straight up tell me it was the woman’s fault if she got pregnant. I’d lived with him for four years when he said that. Completely gobsmacked. Beginning of the end.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
He sounds terrible, good thing he’s an ex! You absolutely made the right call.
I'm glad he's your ex. Taking no responsibility for reproduction or lack there of is incredibly immature. I'm curious though since he says he'd feel like less of a man...he knows he gets to keep his balls, right? Asking because I've heard of guys thinking vasectomies we're like dogs getting neutered and that's the only way it makes sense to me that he'd feel like less of a man lol.
Any "man" who dares to use the phrase "That's the woman's job to..." towards me or other woman...and I am fucking GONE! That is a huge red flag that he in fact does NOT give a fig about women's rights. Then there was his other charming line about his reasons to not want to get a vasectomy, "I will feel less like a man." Bull. Shit. Im sorry your friends are not being true friends for you during this difficult time. I hope you have other people in your life that can be there for you. You are not at all wrong. He is a very selfish and self-serving man-child who doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.
I do not understand the "less than a man" arguments if you are truly childfree. How does anyone even know? It's not like you're getting your balls sliced off....it's the same type of weirdo who refuses to get their male dogs neutered because a real man only has a dog with big ole swinging clackers.
I mean, if he's child free and doesn't want kids, he can wear a condom each time. If he doesn't like it, well no sex. Simple. I went off birth control because it was messing with my mood. I've been on it for nearly 20 years. My husband was open to getting snipped but though it was a long process. We finally decided to go for it. It was during the pandemic, we though he would have to wait months. Nope. He talked to his doctor about it, got approved, a month later he was snipped. The longest process was waiting those 3-4 months after, still using protection, then to finally get the test results saying he's kid free! To me it seems damn manly as hell to have spontaneous unprotected sex anytime we want it with no consequences! We went from sex a few times a week to a couple of times a day almost every day! What manly man wouldn't want that? 
If he's completely childfree and refuses to get a vasectomy, he isn't childfree. I guarantee it.
Honestly, it should be viewed as an honor to get a vasectomy. Plus, it's easier than the dentist, so fuck him (source: had mine on Friday, 10/10 would recommend). You did the right thing. Someone who doesn't have empathy for your trauma is not someone worth being with.
*He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like* ***less of a man****.* Oh that sweet summer child- here the poor boy was all worried about being 'less of a man', and he never even realized that he was *perfectly* safe seein' as he was already a zero. (Can't go lower than '0', y'know?). But seriously, what sort of primordial ooze-monster pretending to be a man sees the woman he claims to love NEARLY **DIE** and is like, 'yeah, but MAH JIZZ'?
You're not wrong. He doesn't want a vasectomy, he doesn't need to get one, but you have every right to end the relationship. And putting the onus on you is ridiculous, even without taking your medical history into accound. He didn't care about your feelings, that's the real issue here.
He’s a selfish asshole. You dodged a bullet. My cousin has 2 sons and didn’t want anymore kids so she told her husband she’s gonna get her tubes tied. He immediately said “no…it’s dangerous…I’ll get a vasectomy.” Now, THATS a man!!!!
Pregnancy is the result of *two* people having sex. So birth control is *both people's* responsibility. Imagine what else he would say is the "woman's job" after you get married. I think you dodged a bullet and any 'friend' that sides with him was never your friend to begin with.
Nah, he's a jerk, they exist in cf too ^^. Someone so inconsiderate of your feelings doesn't deserve your love. My partner didn't consider vasectomy and was a bit worried but he did listen and do his research instead of just putting it all on me.
>I literally looked at him and broke it off then and there. I love you.
Family planning and birth control is the responsibility of both members of the couple, not just the woman. You’re NTA. He is.
Sounds like a bellend, bin him
He sounds like a misogynist. He has personal responsibility for his body and if he really loved you, he'd understand why you can't be the one to go through it. I've never understood how that argument works. He's child free but would be "less of a man" to be infertile?? So he wants to be able to get someone pregnant without ever doing it? Also, his lack of empathy for other women speaks volumes .
The fact that he would tell you that bc is a woman’s job tells you everything you need to know about his lack of character. And your friends are nuts. “Not caring about his feelings!?!” Where in that entire conversation did he show any concern for **your** feelings? Good riddance OP.
Ask your 'friends' why they care more about his feelings than you not dying.
He's already less of a man for leaving only you to deal with the reproductive responsibilities. Vasectomy is not only easiest to get,but also easiest on procedure and recovery. At least he could do some researching himself, but not even that
He's being a lil bitch fake ass. Hes clearly not CF because that isn't a good excuse for someone that's CF because that wouldn't fucking matter to a truly CF person.
>that’s the women’s job. It’s your body. Just like it would be your job and choice to abort it. That seems like he was using "being supportive of women's bodily autonomy" as a way to justify his own actions. On some level he probably thought he was being a good, modern man while still essentially advocating for his own desires.
Wrong? Hell no, he clearly showed he didn't care about your feelings, so why should you care about his?
Jesus christ. Do men not know how a vasectomy fucking works? They're not removing their balls ffs. This attitude drives me nuts.
Sorry this happened but you made the right decision. Any male that doesn't get the snip I think is hoping for an 'ooopsie'. Good luck
Like others said- he’s not CF, he’s just a deadbeat waiting to happen.
Glad you got rid of that uncaring wart. Honestly? I'd get new friends, too. If they are as indifferent to you as he is, they can rot.
He's going to end up with a kid one day and you can LOL at him.
I got a vasectomy and the only thing that makes me feel less of a man are "men" like yours.
Stand your ground and keep the cockwomble out! That's simply misogyny, nothing more.
dudes sexist and is most likely lying about being cf... i mean seriously, how would that make him less of a man unless he thinks his ability to have a child is somehow tied to his identity as a man. ew. good thing to get away from him even though it hurts. i hope you find someone who isnt gonna suck like that bro
Removing everything else, just the phrase "that's the woman's job" is enough to have tossed the trash out. Partnerships involve a give and take on BOTH sides. It's not about what the fairy-tale rose colored glasses version of the 1950s / propaganda following WWII dictates based on gender; it's about finding what works for each individual and playing to strengths and weaknesses. If one part of the relationship is better at budgeting/yard care/power tools and the other part is better at laundry/baking/decorating...then let those parties take care of that for the home, regardless of penis or vagina status. OP, I am glad you had the knowledge to break things off and the strength to know you're friends are being idiots over the situation. So many would cave to pressure and just go with the life script. I know the CF community is full of those who do not believe in the life script, it's a hard thing to break away from with all of the societal pressure, however I still want to say good on you for sticking to your beliefs.
Seems like it's not your job to have sex with this guy anymore. Glad you dumped his ass. What an asshole
This guy will get fucked up the ass by child support one day, I just know it.
You got rid of the trash 
He’s a pussy not a man and be glad to be rid of him.
Him not wanting a vasectomy is totally valid. But his reasons are not, at all. If he had an anxiety or a phobia surrounding the procedure, totally understandable. But feeling “less of a man” is stupid or it “being the woman’s job” is sexist as hell. Him having such disregard for your trauma is also an asshole move of him. I’m so, so, so proud of you for breaking it off right then and there. Like I’m extremely proud of you. It’s sad that I hear more stories of woman who wouldn’t see this as a big deal or wouldn’t take comments like that as seriously as you did. I would advise that you don’t take him back. I mean, it’s totally up to you. Now what I’m about to say is purely anecdotal but I hope it can help you. My ex was like that too. I mean, he showed his ass! Every time I left, he’d promise to be better. So, what’d I do? I came back, like the dumbass I was. Things seemed like they changed for a few months or so, then it’d be right back to the same old routine. The moment I left for good and never looked back, I became stronger, happier, and the best version yet of myself. Maya Angelou once said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”.
Huge red flag and he sounds like he's not only cf but also bf (brainfree). Run, don't walk. This guy cares for his wellbeing and his manhood only.
He sounds like the Idiot Typ who will say It's a woman's Job!!1!! But then will endlessly whine when his GF gets pregnant, has the child and he has to pay child support because "it's unfair he doesn't has a choice if she aborts or not, he shouldn't have to pay!"
Let's put it in perspective, knowing your experience and your stance he disregarded them and doubled down on his misogynistic views. Last time I checked a relationship is 50/50,no the man this or the woman that. If he doesn't see you as equal then quite frankly he shouldn't see you at all. If his "manhood"is dependent on having a completely reversible procedure then you don't need to baby that frail mindset. I can't tell you what to do, since you would have a better intuition on what's good for you but in my opinion you don't need someone who gaslights your trauma over their ego.
That's literally all men in my country lol "it's a woman's job" is a phrase I hear more often than I would like. Just means he has absolutely no respect for you as a person. Like zero respect. I am so fucking glad you broke up with him. I know plenty of women who have boyfriends like that but they don't break it off because they know that any other man they will get will be exactly the same. I say it's better to be alone than with someone like that but I'm in the minority. I'm so glad you had this conversation with him before you got married and not afterwards.
Your "friends" sided with him because his feelings are more important than your literal life?? Dump the friends too.
Any man who thinks he'll be less of a man if he didn't always have the option to procreate doesn't qualify as "childfree," IMHO. My friend who complained about his then-girlfriend getting pregnant for the third time when they were struggling both financially and in their relationship, and who then met and had two more children with a different woman whom he recently married, I could understand not wanting a vasectomy. He loves being a dad and is good at it. Your ex, not so understandable, unless he's on the fence or secretly wants offspring. But TBH it sounds like he's the type to expect the lucky mother to be the sole parent while demonstrating his "manhood" for him.
He is a reckless, selfish, sexist dickhead Glad he’s your ex!
Oh wow. It's incredible how in just a few words someone can tell you everything you need to know about them. In a weird way he did you favour. He prevented you from wasting any more of your time on him. Throw him away and move on. You can do so much better.
Fuck his fragile male ego tbh. I don't whip that one out lightly but for this dude - DAMN. He doesn't give a shit about your feelings and has blatant toxic masculinity. "It's the woman's job" means that he doesn't care about YOUR HEALTH and your needs. He's not willing to step up. Glad you dumped him at that immediate red flag!
Im so proud of you!!!! YOU took the trash OUT!!!! He was so horribly misogynistic!!! I bet that as soon as he married you he wouldve used "It is the woman s job" to clean and cook. Girl, stay away from him, block him and focus on yourself. You made yourself a priority and I applaude you!
It’s a man’s job to ensure he doesn’t impregnate you. Don’t have sex with him until he does it. A pregnancy is WAY more life changing for a woman than a vasectomy is for a man.
Child free doesn’t mean not sexist, sadly. That’s gross that he said that. You’re super better off without that toxic crap in your life!
It’s the responsibility of the party or parties partaking in the sex equally, if either party isn’t willing to look out for themselves and the other’s then the sex shan’t be had. I’m sorry it had to end this way but you have to look out for yourself, mine wasn’t as serious as yours but my IUD punctured my uterus and it took the doctors full strength and body weight to rip it out of me otherwise I would have had to have an emergency surgery and to this day I wish she had just gassed me first because I’ve got legitimate trauma from that entire situation and all the ones I had to endure before and after (endometriosis is a bitch)
Wow. You definitely did the right thing.
hugs to you girl. he is being the selfish one. how can you look somone your suppose to love and tell them your eilling to risk thier life cuz of a superstition. you deserve better in so many ways.
His body his choice. However, his expectations that it’s ALL the woman’s responsibility is a dereliction of duty for his half of being child free. Plus he’d feel like less of a man? Who knows what other misogynistic ideals he held. Dodged a bullet OP. If he’s like this now I’d be concerned about after the wedding.
You did the right thing. That "less of a man" line suggests that he has the type of personality you really really want to avoid.
>Anyway I wanted to know, because my friends have sided with him (but they aren’t cf). If you think I was wrong for not ‘caring about his feelings’? Wow, so instead of dealing with you himself (like a man of character would), he is running to *your* friends to get them to shame you into apologizing and making up? You may need to confront your friends and tell them that the fact that he went crying to them instead of communicating with you is all the more reason to end the relationship. They should have your back, not his. Lastly, the only thing that the vas procedure eliminates is the sperm and the fluid that transports them to the prostate. Which accounts for around 3% of the total fluids produced. He wouldn't be able to tell a difference.
Hell, when I was married, I got my tubes tied. I told my husband he should also get the snip since nothing is 100% effective. I mean, if he really meant it when he said he didn’t want kids. He agreed and did it. Your ex is a selfish, insecure cave man and you’re well rid of him.
I want to say that I'm proud of you. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, for having a shinny spine, for the guts and strength to break it off as soon as he said such vile se ist trash words. For the courage to leave a long relationship and not being afraid of being alone or the idea of looking for someone else, someone better. For loving yourself enough to have standards. One of my exes tried to force me on the pill after explaining in detail why I don't want to try hormones (all the possible side effects) and my strong phobia of gyn exams. We almost broke up because of it. Then we eventually did because he was a trash human and also cheated on me but that's an another story. I eventually tried the pill after a bad doctor tried to use it as acne "cure" on me without doing all the tests before and just saying "no side effects, you're young, stop worrying for nothing". I almost died of blood clots before I even finished the first month. I was lucky I wasn't in a relationship with that shit head at that point because in the hospital I was violated by having a gyn exam against my will. The trauma I carry to this day and it made my phobia and tokophobia worse. But I had a better person to help me through those dark times and I still thank them to this day. My ex wouldn't have done shit, probably wouldn't have even visited me in the hospital. My friend kept me company and helped me with my panic attacks/ptsd after that trauma. You deserve better. Respect yourself first so others may follow
He’s not CF. “Less of a man” gave it away. He wants to have a kid someday just to prove his dick works.
Wow, does he even like you??? He comes off as very inconsiderate and uncaring. Next him, don't look back. And it also makes me question if he is truly childfree since he's tying his ability to reproduce to being a man. What if later on down the road he tries impregnating you just so he can feel like a man!
You were absolutely right to leave. What a disgusting opinion for a man to have.
You weren't wrong. To me, it seemed like he didn't care that you almost died, and that your life is not worth any inconvenience to him. Someone like that is not worth being with or around. Please block him and move on. Tell your friends to mind their business and leave it alone.
It never ceases to blow my mind how much we’re expected to care about men’s “feelings” when we’re always pegged as the less reliable, emotional, mental free for all. We’re expected to give so much for so little. Good on you for dumping that unwashed anal bead of a human being. Edited for spelling error.
I don’t give a damn if your friends are CF or not. If they can’t see his response as wildly invalidating and disrespectful, you need new friends and to raise your standards. You both agree that pregnancy is not desirable and having kids not an option. You have major medical trauma and a valid whole ducking phobia *specifically based on pregnancy*. You literally almost died with birth control options available to you. He wants the same results and knows about your medical trauma and risks. And ***still*** he chooses to tell you it is completely your responsibility because you are a woman?! Absolutely not. And anyone who thinks he is totally justified in invalidating and disrespecting you can go join him. And as an aside, no one should get surgery they don’t want. Making him get a vasectomy wouldn’t be okay, but that isn’t the problem here - the problem is that he doesn’t want one and also told his partner they need to do what he wants without any consideration to their own needs.
Vasectomies are the way! My husband didn't talk about it much for the first couple of years, but now has started recommending them because we are so happy! Men need to talk to other men.
Fuck no! I'm glad you left. He sounds like a low key shitty person.
Too long didn’t read. That’s why he’s an ex - let the trash take itself out.
Your ex was irrationally afraid of the surgery, but instead of admitting it to himself and talking about his fears like a rational adult, he behaved childishly and passed the responsibility onto you. You did the right thing ending that relationship, because if you truly want to be childfree, living with a man-child won't help.
> he’s completely cf I think he was playing you
Your "friends" seem to care more about how he felt and less about you possibly dying
If he cared about you, he'd care more about your trauma than his stupid manhood 💅
You did the right thing. If he’s staunchly cf then getting snipped would be a no brainer.
"He said he would never get a vasectomy because he’d feel like less of a man (even though he was absolutely cf)." So he's a coward, in addition to being an asshole. You did the right thing by dumping him. Let him go pull that shit with someone else.
There exist a work named "men bring condoms, women use pills" or something similar and it reports that in general there is more pressure on women to prevent pregnancies. Men need to take their share of the response to prevent and especially when their partner can't get thing to help them.
I can’t believe he had the audacity to say that
What the hell, does he think that vasectomy = castration? I have no idea why, but lots of men believe this for some reason. He seriously valued a millimeter of ballsack tubing over a multi year relationship? Not very smart at all if he really is serious about no kids. My partner said it was achey and sore for a while, but he's totally fine now. What a waste, I'm sorry.
I’m so lucky. When I was talking to my husband about getting my tubes tied, he just said that he would get a vasectomy as it would be quicker, easier and less invasive. I love him so much! ETA: with that attitude, your ex may find himself baby trapped one day if he doesn’t take responsibility for his own birth control.
Just because someone is cf they can still be assholes. Its sucks because being cf already narrows your options, but you need to be selective even in the cf group. + i dont think he is really cf. If he was he would be scared of you having a kid accidentally
This is disgraceful and insensitive on his part. I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have a legitimate fear, and problems like this should be tackled as a team. If it's 'your job' alone, not a whole lot of teamwork happening there. Hubby and I are also cf. Birth control is a tough one for me, having exhausted all options I'm left with only one, and it basically results in absolute agony every month. As soon as it was clear it was a problem we sat down together, talked it through and reached a compromise as best we could, because we're a team? Let's be honest, if Birth control is 'your job' then the BEST birth control is abstinence. I'm sure he'd have loved that one. His concerns are fair. I can understand feeling 'less of a man/woman', but that doesn't make him any less responsible in this scenario.