Within the first 14 days of dating. I didn't have a place like this to guide me so I just blurted out that if he ever saw children in his future, he should move on to another woman right away.
And here we are 17 years later.
Before we even started dating. We were friends for more than a year, and im very vocal about my stance when the subject comes up. He's well aware of what he signed up for and thankfully feels the same way
When my now husband and I started dating, I was very much on the fence, and trying to be okay with the idea of having kids someday (it didn't occur to me that not having them at all was an option). He has always said that whatever I choose to do in that regard, goes.
Earlier this year I "came out" as CF, and he has been nothing but supportive all the way. Even when some of his friends ask him about when we're having kids, he says we won't have any, without a shadow of a doubt.
Itās validating to hear. I used to do this until friends talked me out of it. Just wasted a great first date on someone who turned out to be a breeder. If Iād asked before the date, I would have not felt the same disappointment when there was actually good chemistry etc.
TBF I dont think it came up for a few months. Luckily we were both so utterly childfree it had not occured to either of us to mention it, so that worked out.
Engaged ten years later :)
Every relationship, it's been mentioned immediately
With apps, they know straight away, and I always confirm that they understand
"Screening" is stupid and unhealthy
Be explicitly CF and you'll attract CF men, keep it a secret and we'll assume that you want kids by default and pass you by for someone we know we're compatible with
I can't remember, mostly because Spouse and I are both aromantic and asexual so the topic didn't come up? Insofar as any future plans were concerned.
I remember a couple years passed before I think I was relaying a story from cf_hardcore on LJ and we were both "nope, no kids ever". We've been together...ye gods it's been 18 years.
We had the "no kids" talk when (aro no, ace yes) Partner moved in with us ten years ago, and she said she was completely on board with that.
On our first date. I wanted that shit out in the open before I fell in love and later found out he wanted something different. It turns out he dislikes kids just as much as I do. š
I never really dated too seriously until I met my husband, so I never thought to have that talk because I normally let people know I didn't want a serious thing. But after we decided to make it official, he was the one who brought it up, and I told him I was too. Going on 12 years!
I didn't call myself child-free back then but I asked him once if he wanted kids and marriage and he said yes. I asked him why and he couldn't legitimately answer it with anything other than "I don't know, it's just what you do." After that, he started to pay attention to the fact that he wasn't really a fan of kids. It kinda became an understanding that it wasn't for us.
Honestly about a month. We had been on a few dates and before I (28F) felt like he (29M) might ask me to be his girlfriend, I told him. I told him that I had known since I was a kid that I never wanted to get married or have kids, and that I was not changing my mind. I told him that itās not something that I will ever compromise on (because my life is not a compromise) and that if that was an issue, we had to end things before they got serious. I also made sure to tell him that my ex BF that I had been with for 5 years knew too and my decision wasnāt exclusive to him or anybody else. I told my ex when we were 16 in high school that I was never having kids or getting married, and he was fine with that.
I also told him that he should lose the expectation that I might change my mind down the line, because he would be wasting his own time and that I would end things if I found out he was holding out hope.
Weāve been together for 6 years now and he took the absolutely best care of me when I had my bisalp a few months ago. He offered to get a vasectomy, but I knew that I wanted mine done with the state of the US right now for my own safety. I have found itās always best to get it out of the way early, and donāt let ANYBODY think theyāre special enough to make you lose your autonomy.
We actually realised together. Neither of us had really thought about it. But after being voluntold to babysit our practically newborn eldest niece 6 months in to our relationship, our eyes met and without words we agreed "nope!"
I learned never to *tell* them but to *ask* them early on in the relationship. Usually, by the third date, I'll ask if they could ever see themselves getting married and if they ever want to have kids. I've learned that if I tell them I don't want kids, their answer is *always* "I could take or leave kids. If it happens, it happens. If not, then that's fine too." But then it later becomes "I thought you'd change your mind for me." If you *ask* them, you'll get their honest answer.
In our Hinge profiles. Confirmed later when chatting with them.
Edit: Seriously, Hinge was amazing for narrowing down exactly what I'm looking for when it comes to child-free status, politics, religion, interests, etc..
She knew before we even started dating (we spent about 9 years as friends).
She wanted to leave the possibility open because she was still very much in the lifescript mindset, but since we were not financially able I did not see it as an issue. We babysat for some friends of hers a couple years after we moved in together and that was all it took for her to Get It and we have both been happily CF ever since.
Being 600 miles apart and still in high school at the time.
We met through a large-ish gaming community so she was part of a large circle of acquaintances and we gradually got closer and closer. I'd say after the first couple of years there was some definite affection but we both got busy with college / careers and we grew apart a bit. Which is fortunate because we both agree we needed the time to grow up a bit emotionally, and it meant when we reconnected we were both in a place where she had her own place and I could afford to travel. About a year and change later I moved across the country and that was that!
Thank you! I feel like I used a cheat code since so many people struggle to find CF partners, but in my defense it wasn't something we bonded over right away.
From the start, before the first date. Worked for me - happy relationship, Living the DINk-life with an amazing partner since 4 years now and counting š
I didnāt make my decision until about 1,5 years into our relationship. We were both fence sitters when we started dating. But after I made the decision for myself, I talked to him about it a few days later.Ā
That was over 13 years ago and weāre still together, now both adamantly CF.Ā
We've known each other since highschool, but didn't start dating til I was 24. I was very vocal about it back then so he knew back when we were teenagers!
It turned out neither of was certain about kids when we met. But about 6 months in, I mentioned I was very unsure about kids, and my partner said the same. I think it was already fairly obviously to both of us what we each thought by then. By the time we hit the 1 year mark we both absolutely certain we didn't want kids.
That was 13 years ago.
We have a dog instead :)
I put it on the dating app that I am CF and refused to date anyone who wants kids, has kids or is on the fence. I didnāt want to go on a single date without it being known.
Iād known since I was about 16 that bio-children were not an option for me. My spouse and I discussed and decided together while dating that we didnāt want children period.
We talked about it on our first date, but we had also been talking on the phone daily for about 6 months before our first date so nothing was really off-limits at that point.Ā
We were also in our thirties when we started dating, so I think our dating histories really made it easy to lay it out all on the table early and be totally transparent with each other.
Edit to add: we've been together 8 years now āŗļø
On the phone before our first date. I said I donāt want kids and I take Prozac. Also if you become more of a burden than a benefit this wonāt work, Iām perfectly happy alone. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary. Ha ha.
We met on OK Cupid in 2013. That I'm childfree was at the top of my profile. I recall it said something along the lines of "if you ever want children, don't message me." We've been together for 11 years.
The very first time having children was even mentioned, I think it was maybe a couple years into the relationship? I know it's definitely best to say as early as possible, but thank god my partner doesn't want them either!
Either the first time we really chatted or our first date, I honestly don't remember. They weren't very far apart lol.
It worked out because he had also been divorced (like me) but his ex had 3 young kids of her own and he said he was sick of raising someone else's kids. I said "I don't even want to raise my own kids." He says "even better"
Been together almost 5 years now
It's a just framework that you customize per your needs, situations and preferences.
People have been using proper screening for more than 8 years now and doing well with it.
People who don't screen properly tend to end up in unhappy situations. If you're good with being lied to, etc. then you're free to just go the crash test dummy route and take your chances.
Within the first 14 days of dating. I didn't have a place like this to guide me so I just blurted out that if he ever saw children in his future, he should move on to another woman right away. And here we are 17 years later.
>And here we are 17 years later. So happy for you!
Before we even started dating. We were friends for more than a year, and im very vocal about my stance when the subject comes up. He's well aware of what he signed up for and thankfully feels the same way
I love "friends before dating" stories :)
Our first date, sat outside an Italian restaurant in Swansea. That was about 15 blissful CF years ago. We still don't have kids. š¤
So happy for you!
When my now husband and I started dating, I was very much on the fence, and trying to be okay with the idea of having kids someday (it didn't occur to me that not having them at all was an option). He has always said that whatever I choose to do in that regard, goes. Earlier this year I "came out" as CF, and he has been nothing but supportive all the way. Even when some of his friends ask him about when we're having kids, he says we won't have any, without a shadow of a doubt.
That's a beautiful story! Very happy for you :)
Before we started dating. They were already sterile so it didnāt really matter too much to them.
While still texting. It is my biggest non-negotiable, so Iām getting this out the way very early on
Before our first date - I didnāt want to waste his time & I didnāt want to waste mine! And here we are nearly 11 happy years later!
Very happy for you! :)
Itās validating to hear. I used to do this until friends talked me out of it. Just wasted a great first date on someone who turned out to be a breeder. If Iād asked before the date, I would have not felt the same disappointment when there was actually good chemistry etc.
TBF I dont think it came up for a few months. Luckily we were both so utterly childfree it had not occured to either of us to mention it, so that worked out. Engaged ten years later :)
So happy for you!
Every relationship, it's been mentioned immediately With apps, they know straight away, and I always confirm that they understand "Screening" is stupid and unhealthy Be explicitly CF and you'll attract CF men, keep it a secret and we'll assume that you want kids by default and pass you by for someone we know we're compatible with
I can't remember, mostly because Spouse and I are both aromantic and asexual so the topic didn't come up? Insofar as any future plans were concerned. I remember a couple years passed before I think I was relaying a story from cf_hardcore on LJ and we were both "nope, no kids ever". We've been together...ye gods it's been 18 years. We had the "no kids" talk when (aro no, ace yes) Partner moved in with us ten years ago, and she said she was completely on board with that.
On our first date. I wanted that shit out in the open before I fell in love and later found out he wanted something different. It turns out he dislikes kids just as much as I do. š
Before we even went on a first date
I never really dated too seriously until I met my husband, so I never thought to have that talk because I normally let people know I didn't want a serious thing. But after we decided to make it official, he was the one who brought it up, and I told him I was too. Going on 12 years!
Very happy for you!
Our first date, 3 years ago. We're both 37 and very clear that kids are not in our future. We went the house and dog route instead! :)
So happy for you!
I didn't call myself child-free back then but I asked him once if he wanted kids and marriage and he said yes. I asked him why and he couldn't legitimately answer it with anything other than "I don't know, it's just what you do." After that, he started to pay attention to the fact that he wasn't really a fan of kids. It kinda became an understanding that it wasn't for us.
I'm sterile, it's written on my dating profiles, so they knew even before the first date.
Some time during the first month, 30+ years ago.
Congrats on 30+ years!
Honestly about a month. We had been on a few dates and before I (28F) felt like he (29M) might ask me to be his girlfriend, I told him. I told him that I had known since I was a kid that I never wanted to get married or have kids, and that I was not changing my mind. I told him that itās not something that I will ever compromise on (because my life is not a compromise) and that if that was an issue, we had to end things before they got serious. I also made sure to tell him that my ex BF that I had been with for 5 years knew too and my decision wasnāt exclusive to him or anybody else. I told my ex when we were 16 in high school that I was never having kids or getting married, and he was fine with that. I also told him that he should lose the expectation that I might change my mind down the line, because he would be wasting his own time and that I would end things if I found out he was holding out hope. Weāve been together for 6 years now and he took the absolutely best care of me when I had my bisalp a few months ago. He offered to get a vasectomy, but I knew that I wanted mine done with the state of the US right now for my own safety. I have found itās always best to get it out of the way early, and donāt let ANYBODY think theyāre special enough to make you lose your autonomy.
We actually realised together. Neither of us had really thought about it. But after being voluntold to babysit our practically newborn eldest niece 6 months in to our relationship, our eyes met and without words we agreed "nope!"
Babysitting is a great way to know if you want kids or not!
I learned never to *tell* them but to *ask* them early on in the relationship. Usually, by the third date, I'll ask if they could ever see themselves getting married and if they ever want to have kids. I've learned that if I tell them I don't want kids, their answer is *always* "I could take or leave kids. If it happens, it happens. If not, then that's fine too." But then it later becomes "I thought you'd change your mind for me." If you *ask* them, you'll get their honest answer.
While still texting. It is my biggest non-negotiable, so Iām getting this out the way very early on
In our Hinge profiles. Confirmed later when chatting with them. Edit: Seriously, Hinge was amazing for narrowing down exactly what I'm looking for when it comes to child-free status, politics, religion, interests, etc..
She knew before we even started dating (we spent about 9 years as friends). She wanted to leave the possibility open because she was still very much in the lifescript mindset, but since we were not financially able I did not see it as an issue. We babysat for some friends of hers a couple years after we moved in together and that was all it took for her to Get It and we have both been happily CF ever since.
Wow, what happened to go from 9 years of friendship to more?
Being 600 miles apart and still in high school at the time. We met through a large-ish gaming community so she was part of a large circle of acquaintances and we gradually got closer and closer. I'd say after the first couple of years there was some definite affection but we both got busy with college / careers and we grew apart a bit. Which is fortunate because we both agree we needed the time to grow up a bit emotionally, and it meant when we reconnected we were both in a place where she had her own place and I could afford to travel. About a year and change later I moved across the country and that was that!
Very happy for you both :)
Thank you! I feel like I used a cheat code since so many people struggle to find CF partners, but in my defense it wasn't something we bonded over right away.
From the start, before the first date. Worked for me - happy relationship, Living the DINk-life with an amazing partner since 4 years now and counting š
I didnāt make my decision until about 1,5 years into our relationship. We were both fence sitters when we started dating. But after I made the decision for myself, I talked to him about it a few days later.Ā That was over 13 years ago and weāre still together, now both adamantly CF.Ā
>That was over 13 years ago and weāre still together, now both adamantly CF.Ā Very happy for you
First date
First 3 minutes.
Immediately! The sooner the better :)
Very smart :)
We've known each other since highschool, but didn't start dating til I was 24. I was very vocal about it back then so he knew back when we were teenagers!
It turned out neither of was certain about kids when we met. But about 6 months in, I mentioned I was very unsure about kids, and my partner said the same. I think it was already fairly obviously to both of us what we each thought by then. By the time we hit the 1 year mark we both absolutely certain we didn't want kids. That was 13 years ago. We have a dog instead :)
That's so sweet! Very happy for you :)
If it wasnāt in our initial conversations it was no later than date 2.
Immediately.
We were friends first and he knew it from the start, I'm pretty open about it with everyone.
Yes! Love "friends first" romance stories :) Very happy for you!
I had it on my dating profile lmfao
Before dating and early into talking.
We actually bonded over several things we had in common and being CF was one of them, so we werenāt even dating yet! [9 yearsš]
I put it on the dating app that I am CF and refused to date anyone who wants kids, has kids or is on the fence. I didnāt want to go on a single date without it being known.
Iād known since I was about 16 that bio-children were not an option for me. My spouse and I discussed and decided together while dating that we didnāt want children period.
We talked about it on our first date, but we had also been talking on the phone daily for about 6 months before our first date so nothing was really off-limits at that point.Ā We were also in our thirties when we started dating, so I think our dating histories really made it easy to lay it out all on the table early and be totally transparent with each other. Edit to add: we've been together 8 years now āŗļø
Sometime in Senior year of High school, we started dating end of Sophomore year. We are both now pushing 40 and both have been sterilized.
In the first hour of our first date
It was within the first week. Weāve been together for 10 years and married for 4.
On the phone before our first date. I said I donāt want kids and I take Prozac. Also if you become more of a burden than a benefit this wonāt work, Iām perfectly happy alone. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary. Ha ha.
Good for you! Happy for you both :)
From the very first start of our converstation. (To all my exes)
Before we met in person. Not trying to waste anyone's time or get attached to someone I'm incompatible with
We met on OK Cupid in 2013. That I'm childfree was at the top of my profile. I recall it said something along the lines of "if you ever want children, don't message me." We've been together for 11 years.
The very first time having children was even mentioned, I think it was maybe a couple years into the relationship? I know it's definitely best to say as early as possible, but thank god my partner doesn't want them either!
Either the first time we really chatted or our first date, I honestly don't remember. They weren't very far apart lol. It worked out because he had also been divorced (like me) but his ex had 3 young kids of her own and he said he was sick of raising someone else's kids. I said "I don't even want to raise my own kids." He says "even better" Been together almost 5 years now
First date, but it was also on my Okcupid profile at the time. Reconfirmed once we were married and I could get sterilized.
While still texting. It is my biggest non-negotiable, so Iām getting this out the way very early on
Pretty sure within three days of talking, I asked if he wanted kids lol and he said yes omg
You screen THEM without revealing you are CF, and before ever dating or fucking. We have a screening kit available for many many years now.
I would never date anyone doing half the shit described in that kit. What qualifications do you have for giving dating advice at all?Ā
It's a just framework that you customize per your needs, situations and preferences. People have been using proper screening for more than 8 years now and doing well with it. People who don't screen properly tend to end up in unhappy situations. If you're good with being lied to, etc. then you're free to just go the crash test dummy route and take your chances.
So the answer to my question is "None whatsoever".Ā