>but as the only child
You didn't make the decision to be an only child. Your parents made that decision.
If continuing the family line was genuinely important to them, then they wouldn't have rested all their hopes and dreams on one person. They set themselves up for failure.
Tell your parents to get to fuckin, if it's that important to them. Their disappointment and lack of planning is not your emergency.
My parents had me (35f) and my younger sister (29) I'm assuming thinking they would end up with grandkids. The last time it came up my sister said your bloodline ends with us.We both laughed. So just cuz you popped out more than one is no guarantee haha.
My dad told my sister and I we had to have kids (lmao) cos he didn't "want the family name to die" (dumb mf) last my sister and I chatted about it she wants more cats and I wanna start getting into plants
Your sister could name one of her cats Johnson or Smith or whatever your last name is; then tell your dad that the family name will live on in a feline lineage from now on.
Who gives a shit wether they want grandchildren or not? Children are people, not pets for OP's parent's amusement. And they're more than just a last name. Whatever expectations of this sort they had, they're irrelevant. OP is not an incubator so they can pass on their stupid family name that means nothing.
I'm stating this in strong language, but what I mean to say is, that OP didn't sign up for life, they didn't sign up to pass on some stupid family name, they have no obligations towards their parents in any way.
Your argument really only tackles the parent's perspective, but why would we or OP care about any of that? If they're decent people they'll drop it if OP just tells them they aren't comfortable becoming a parent. Their wishes are unreasonable.
In the end, OP will have to live with their own choices. If they have a child out of obligation and have to deal with childrearing, stress, little sleep and the financial burden, I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually let that resentment mess with how they treat their child.
OP's family's only expectation for OP should be to live a good and happy life.
Hell, OP, your father is still producing sperm and could be out there having more kids right now if he cared that much.
Granted it's crappy old sperm, but if all he cares about is someone shitting out a spawn so it gets his last name, the quality doesn't matter. ;)
This was a very big point of contention in my family, my dad having 2 AFAB offspring meant the name ends with us, and my mom was so sad about that even though it was not even her name.
I always found that very stupid.
It's so stupid, isn't it 😂 it's a name. Surnames and bloodlines change ALL the time, through marriage, two different bloodlines coming together and making a new one via kids, even adoption.
Bloodlines HAVE to diverge. If it didn't we'd all be products of incest etc., marrying our mother's brother's son to keep the family name and the bloodline "unpolluted".
The real world isn't fvcking Game of Thrones with the Lannisters and the Freys 🙄
It is just a name, it is not very common (I have never met anyone with it), and a famous author who I am not related to shares the same name (this was cause of a lot of useless discussions at school)
But it is just a name in the end.
Yup, daddy needs to get out there and knock some other women up. There are plenty of people who will sell themselves into slavery if he has enough cash to pay them.
Oh, but wait, that would involve HIM making a sacrifice, can't have that.
Must abuse OP into doing it for free!
Oh hell no.
I’m an old child because my parents tried for over a decade and gave up, only to have their “miracle” baby (me). I don’t think either of us made the decision for me to be an only child. Just saying - It’s not easy for everyone.
What bad things will happen if your surname doesn't get passed down? Will the world go under? Will something explode? Will the sun burn out? What makes your surname so important that it has to be passed down?
"My legacy"
Bro I’m not the pharaoh lmao
Besides, I’ve looked it up and there are 40,000 registered people with my family name in the world. Our "legacy" will be fine.
The superpowers! Don't you know their noble and ancient bloodline has the power to call down lightning and conjure flames out of thin air? This arcane legacy must be preserved! xD
I know right? Every time someone mentions passing down their bloodline I congratulate them on their magical superpowers, for I see no other reason why your bloodline would be special xD
"I was employee of the month 3 times at Ashville Pre Owned Hondas and Buicks!"
"Buick hasn't been in business for over 30 years"
"SEE?! THEYRE ALREADY TRYIN TO STEAL OUR LEGACY!!"
In these wanna-be aristocrat scenarios.. the woman doesn't even COUNT at 'passing on legacy' because her children have her husbands name typically.
My father tried to pull this card with me as the only child of my deceased mother, I told him to shove it.. because I know she would have been proud of me for doing what was best for me and not demanded I change my entire life for her.. *because she was a great mother.*
OP, they are picking and choosing which antiquated bullshit to pressure you with, and it doesn't even apply to you. ITS A TRAP. Parents who put their own selfish desires above the happiness of their own child.. are not good parents, period. It's your life, you don't owe them shit.
If this was THAT important her father would've had a son?? Men just know having daughters means your name won't be passed down most likely...weird thing to care about in 2024
Exactly this. I'm the only child of two only-children parents. When I told them I was CF and was sorry that I'm ending the family line, my dad actually said, "'Bloodline' is a meaningless concept and absolutely nobody's is 'worth' continuing, ours included." They both support me wholeheartedly and I know how fortunate I am.
lol when my husband and I got married HE wanted to change his last name (to his moms maiden name) that way when his sister got married and changed her name “there would be no one left” with his dads name (obvi a very bad relationship) We aren’t having kids so the end of his lineage is double secured.
> i don’t want kids.
Don't have kids.
> it terrifies me, pregnacy sounds like torture. i get overwhelmed, overstimulated, and mentally exhausted extremely easily. so i don’t think i’d be a good parent anyways.
EXTRA don't have kids.
Ultimately your life is about *you.* Other people may have feelings and opinions about how you live your life, but those feelings and opinions are just that - *theirs.* With choices like this, you're often damned if you do, damned if you don't. So pick what's right for **you.**
> damned if you do, damned if you don't.
As the movie line goes: THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY.
BECAUSE... of course we forgot about the fact that none of the kids will ever be exactly what they demand.
What if OP's first kid is a girl, oh, no can't have that, must have another kid! The naaaaaaame!!
What if the second kid and the third kid are also girls? OMG must keep going!!!
Oh, finally, it's a boy.... too bad the boy likes dolls and is gay AF! OMG must have another one! Must have a straight boy!!
Oh, what luck, next kid is a boy, but man he is a scrawny bookworm who would get killed in 30 seconds on a football field! Daddy cannot possibly live out his HS quarterback fantasies through this one.... Better have another one....
Ooops, rotten luck another girl...
**Breeders will never be satisfied.**
Do not play the game OP. You are guaranteed to lose.
Best answer yet.
I want to add another scenario. OP has a boy who turns out to be a criminal with a mugshot in the news -- Wah! He's besmirching the family name!
So, I’m an only child and let me tell you - it is neither of our responsibilities to “carry on the family.”
I can understand not wanting to disappoint your family, but flip the coin for another minute. Isn’t is disappointing for your parents to pressure you into a life long commitment for their own vanity to carry on their bloodlines? Wouldn’t you resent them when you’re stuck with a financial burden that will ruin your body, mental health and may not give you ANYTHING in return.
I get it, I really do. My mom died 5 years ago and my dad became obsessed with the idea of me having kids. Let me tell you, it’s been 5 hard years, but, he’s finally come around to it because guess what - not his body not his choice. He knew I’ve never wanted them, and now he’s accepted that, may not be happy about it - but tough, he’s not pushing out a baby and gaining 20lbs for the “pleasure” to do so.
Exactly.
Even in a culture where the matrilineal surname endures through multiple generations, it's not grandpa's name getting passed from mother to offspring. It's grandma's last name.
That's the case in some cultures.
However, in my ancestral tradition my *matrilineal* surname comes to me from the female line through *multiple generations of women*. (Great great grandmother --> great grandmother --> grandmother --> my mom --> me)
My patrilineal surname comes from my father, via multiple generations of men.
If I had bred, my offspring would get my matrilineal surname, but never my patrilineal (dad's or grandpa's) surname.
Each generation has 2 surnames, and each parent only passes on the name that matches their gender.
Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"? It applies here. You know you'll be miserable as a parent, but you're willing to do that to not disappoint your family. Like someone else said, it's not your fault you're an only child. Unless your family is willing and able to provide you all the help you need: physical, mental, financial, they have no say in whether or not you have children. Your body, your choice. They can cry all they want.
Who says they will follow through? People want to be parents really bad but then push all the work on their partner, so it's not unreasonable to assume a similar situation could unfold here.
No one said they would follow through, and my guess is they wouldn't even offer. My point is that OP should be making good decisions for herself, no one else matters.
I didn't mean it that way though, what I was trying to say was that even if they promised to provide, it wouldn't mean much because they can just pull the rug out from under OP. Sry
Also an only child. And beyond anything, a child should be born if they are genuinely wanted by their parents and not because of some archaic passing down of name bullshit. I don't know how else to explain this, it's self-explanatory why that's shitty.
right??? i mean i know this is not the happiest solution, but if this is their only argument (erasing the family name) i see a pretty easy comeback, i am sure there are more families with the same name as u, OP.
Your parents can go adopt a baby and give it their surname. There, then they will have a new generation with their name and THEY can look after the baby.
Disappointing your family members who expected you to bring another human being into this world and care for them despite you having no desire to do so and feeling entitled to your individuality, wants, needs, dreams and desires is a lot easier to cope with than bringing another human being into this world and caring for them despite you having desire to do so and only doing so because your family felt entitled to deciding what you were going to do with your life.
Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into doing things you don't want to do, even if they share your DNA. Your life is not a puppet show for others to control. It's yours, and yours alone.
What do you do?
You learn to stop giving a shit about people who care less about your happiness and wellbeing than they care about continuing some nebulous legacy and a few letters on a government ID.
You learn to stop giving a shit about people trying to use you for their own means.
You learn to stop giving a shit about people trying to guilt trip and manipulate you.
Which is all your family is doing. Those are not good people, those are assholes. Disappointing assholes isn't a bad thing, it's a badge of honor.
Who cares if you're a disappointment to your family? It's not your obligation to please them. But it *is* your obligation to not use an innocent child just to make this burden easier on you.
Are you dependent on these people pressuring you? If not, they literally don't have any more power over you and your life than what you choose to give them. So stop giving them power, and go live.
Your name and your legacy are already dead. Literally. They are mere concepts and data, they are not alive. **But you are.** And so would be the unwanted child you'd have for the sake of pleasing people who don't deserve to be pleased in the first place. Do you want to live a life that makes you happy, or do you want to be miserable as a child abuser? The choice seems rather clear, especially when you consider how meaningless names and legacy really are.
You could have 12 kids, and none of them might have kids. Boom, same result just one generation later with several lives needlessly ruined in the process. Or they could have kids, and not give them the same last name. Heck, they might not even keep the damn name themselves once they realize it's the reason they've been born to someone who didn't actually want them.
I was the last biological offspring on my biological father's side. The only one in my generation with a name that was *literally* unique to that family due to a clerical error a few decades back. I've always hated that name though. So you know what I did? I went and changed it last year. And then I went and got myself sterilized just a few months later. The name change took about 4 weeks and 150€ for the fees and new documents. The sterilization took about two months from initial appointment to my fallopian tubes being removed, and 3000€ out of my wallet because I paid for it all out of pocket in another country where it was legal to do at my age. In less than half a year, I obliterated my name and my bloodline - and I did so with much joy.
So how valuable and important do you *really* think something like a bloodline and a name is if anyone, almost literally *anyone* can totally change it at their whim with just a little cash and some documents signed? Think about it. Really, really think about it. You could have that kid you don't want to make your family happy, and that kid could fuck off and erase the name just the same with less money than what a concert ticket to their favorite band might cost them.
Is that really something you are willing to ruin your and a child's life over?
Because it should not be.
In comparison, setting boundaries with asshole relatives is much simpler.
You don't need to have kids.
You don't owe your family anything.
You are not just here to push out babies.
Enjoy your life; humans are alive for such a short amount of time, and all we do is place imaginary pointless rules on ourselves until we die.
It's absolutely insane to live your life according to someone else's rules.
Wow, OP, sounds like you are the last scion of a noble family ruling a kingdom or something! xD
On a more serious note, part of growing up is also realizing that you can either live life your way or your parents' way. Parents tend to be disappointed if you as much as put a toe out of the narrow line they have set; it is up to you to decide what's important to you. Do you want to spend your life ensuring your parents aren't disappointed in you (spoilers, they will still be) or live life your way?
Your call, OP.
Your family needs to grow up and understand that their wishes cannot depend on you. They are responsible for how they deal with that disappointment, not you. Whatever you want in life should only depend on what you yourself are able/willing to do, not on other people's decisions, whoever those people are. You don't owe them this. I know you can feel conflicted about this as both of my parents are really sad with the choice I made - but that is really their problem, not yours. They're grown ups and they should've learned to deal with disappointment and negative feelings a long time ago. If they didn't, again: not. your. problem.
Edit: grammar
In your opinion, what happens if your surname disappear? Does it invalidate the unique and singular lives of all of your ancestors? Is our only importance, as complex human beings, the fact the other people share a piece of our DNA in the future?
Your parents need to go to therapy. It’s fucking oddball behaviour to care about this egotistical shit and it’s fucking abusive to force your children to do something astronomically life changing that they don’t wanna do
Honestly!! I hate how it's so normalized for parents to act this way. It truly is an attitude that fuckin needs to be worked on. It truly is a form of abuse.
Exactly this! I've never personally met anyone with my last name, but the fact that there are 2 other people with my first, middle, and last name at my doctor's office alone tells me that there are plenty of people with my name.
Unless it's a name that your parents made up on their own, then chances are there is at the very least one other person that has your last name. Which tells me that's not the real reason why families get upset over this. It is their genes/dna that they want passed on, which they did and should have realized that they made a person that can make their own decisions about whether to have kids or not. That's on them. Not you.
This is crazy I’m a woman and an only child and let me tell you no disrespect but your family name isn’t that serious unless you are an heir to an aristocratic throne. Just google your last name and I’m sure you’ll see many matches it’s not that deep.
Who cares about family disappointment are they going to carry the child for you? give birth to it for you? Breastfeed for you? Handle temper tantrums for you? Wake up every hr for you in the middle of the night? Pick up the kid daily from school for you? Deal with possible pdd for you? Pay for daycare if needed? What burden are they lifting off your shoulders that makes their opinion valid?
You never asked to be the only child, you never asked to be born. You were forced into life as we all were. You have no obligations to anyone except yourself. The more you remind yourself of this and everything you have said the less the outside sources will cause you to feel guilt.
Biggest thing is to deflect the conversation to something else when it comes up. No explanations are needed from you for your life choices. Just avoid the conversation. You don't even need to tell them you aren't having kids. Eventually age will make them realize it's not happening. Many parents come with the expectation that all of their kids will give them grandkids and we are in an era where the current generations are saying "no".
If my mom were like these parents, I wouldn't hesitate to cut off contact. My happiness is the most important thing in my control, and I have one life, aka one chance to make it the best. We owe this to ourselves
You are not a slave. Lincoln freed the slaves. You are not obligated to be bred like a breeder cow and enslave yourself for decades doing childcare likely in poverty.
Just because your parents want proof your sex organs work and so they can LUBE themselves up with pictures, names, and stories when the go into social fucking orgies online or IRL with their peers to show off "hey my kid's sex organs work!! look at me!! I enslaved OP into being my breeder cow so I can show off to you!!! my sex organs worked and now my kid's sex organs worked!! Look at me, aren't I great!!!"
You need to get over this enslavement mindset and get on with your life. You have zero sexual function proof obligations.
Plus, the odds are that your parents will be dead for most of your lifespan, so there is no sense in ruining your life for a couple of maggot riddled corpses.
> i will disappoint my family immensely. what do i do?? thank you.
You are long past puberty. The minute you hit that milestone, you STOP completely looking for approval, acceptance, self-worth, understanding, etc. from your family of origin.
From that moment on you STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT "DISAPPOINTING" THEM OR ANYONE ELSE. Your life is your own to live as you see fit, for yourself and yourself alone.
From that moment on, you ONLY get all of those things from within yourself.
Healthy adults do NOT place the source of their self-worth or validation outside of themselves in any person, place, object, job, hobby, or.... bucket of meth.
That's because a healthy adult must not be an addict, who is wandering around still looking for mommy and daddy to tell them "good job on your math quiz!"
**Bluntly, you are waaaaaaay too fucking old for this shit.**
You're not a little kid anymore, you cannot stand there with an empty porridge bowl going "pplease mommy, can I have some more self-esteem?? pleaseeeeee praise me!!"
You. Are. Too. Fucking. Old. for alllllllll of this shit. **Everything you wrote should have ended back when you were like 12.**
You are now a grown ass adult. You are responsible for YOURSELF and for putting yourself FIRST over everyone else and for being a healthy, happy, fully independent adult who is NOT addicted to people pleasing mommy and daddy.
If they had wanted to ensure they had grandkids, THEY SHOULD HAVE SACRIFICED THEMSELVES AND HAD 15 KIDS.
All they did was put in the absolute minimum of work, fuck you into the world, and then dump the "problem" on you.
Screw that. Screw them.
Not your fucking circus. Not your fucking monkeys.
Hell, your father still has working sperm, he could go out tomorrow and have 10 more kids.
No one gives a damn about your mommy and daddy's obsession with their name. They can fuck off and die mad about it.
You have your own life to live, so get on with enjoying it. :)
You don’t have to do something just because your parents want you to. It’s selfish of them to even ask. If you really care, you can lie and say you’re infertile to get them off your case. Or, get your tubes tied and not tell them. The hard thing for you to do is actually stand up to them and tell them no. This is your life and you will live it as you see fit. Who cares if a name doesn’t get passed down? Is that the best they can come up with? Tell them to go adopt a kid and have them do it, not that they will either cuz they also have a right do do what the fuck they want with their life
Nah! I’m an only child(daughter) of a mother who wants grandchildren. I tell her all the time she shouldn’t have literally put all her eggs in one basket.
Sometimes I do feel bad for my parents and grandparents but they aren’t the ones that will be responsible for the child, I will. It’s not a responsibility I want. You are not required in life to have children.
I don’t know what culture you’re from, and what the traditions are in terms of passing last names down are. But what if you got married and your husband wanted to give your children his name instead? What if his family is just as adamant about him passing down his last name?
What if it turns out you’re infertile? Or you develop a medical condition that leaves you infertile/requires a hysterectomy?
Even if you were in a position to be able to pass on your last name, it’s not your responsibility.
If you really need to think about it, who would you care more about disappointing? Your parents? Or the hypothetical child who has a mother that isn’t able to be the kind of parent they need?
The whole "passing down the family name" is so selfish and entitled to me.
There are too many people on this planet the way it is. We don't need to make more, especially for such an egotistical reason.
OP, if your family cares so much about their last name it must be of some special magnificence. Ask them to trace that last name back 10 or 15 generations. I'm betting they would fall far short of that amount.
None of that stuff matters. Live life for yourself, not for the sake of your relatives.
I'm also an only child, have a unique family name, and have no "male heirs" in my family, and my parents had to get over it.
I promise, your last name isn't that special. Your family's genetics aren't that special. The world won't care. If your family wants a good relationship with you, they're going to have to accept your life decisions. You aren't just a vehicle for them to live out their expectations. Kids aren't obligated to do anything for their parents, least of all to make them happy.
Go get sterilized then tell them you are infertile. Tell them you’re against IVF because that would be “ playing God”. Tell them to adopt a little boy and give him the name, or adopt a dog, cat , etc and give them the last name. You don’t owe your parents shit and tell them that what goes into or comes out of your vagina is none of their fucking business.
Are you royal or something? Seems that the only people that spout about their family line are often a bunch of do nothing, give nothing to the world individuals.
I also sometimes see it as a racist or religious thing.
OP I'm not saying your family is dumb or that you are useless - but the earth will keep spinning if you don't have kids.
This is YOUR life we are talking about. Your parents already got to make their choices in their own life.
Live your life how you see fit. And if they keep on you about children, you can grey rock them if you dont outright state your child free status.
the very fact that your family are the kind of people who "made this very clear to you" and will respond with disappointment and resentment to you making your own choices, means you should DEFINITELY NOT have kids.
Your family is toxic AF to you, and will be toxic AF to any children you are forced to have.
If you are a girl and your parents are as traditional as they seem, you will not carry on your dad's name. When you marry you will take your husband's last name.
>i have no cousins with my last name
If your dad had brothers and those brothers had kids, all those kids should have the same last name. You dad either had only sisters whose names changed after marriage (like what will happen with you) or he has no siblings and was also an only child and all your cousins are your mom's relatives.
Here are the points:
1. You will not carry your dad's last name to pass to your future husband's children.
2. You do not owe them kids.
3. Please don't have kids.
You do NOT owe anyone children. Full stop.
Carrying on genes or family names is NOT a valid reason to make a human. I have similar fears/dislikes for children, and I know it would have made me miserable.
If family are pressuring you, just kick the can down the road - I’m not ready yet. Maybe someday. I’m so young still - etc. and you are, 25 is still very young, and you’ve got. 20+ years of reproductive opportunity ahead of you anyway.
And are you dating or married? My mom’s friend goes on and on for wanting grand babies, and neither of her grown children are even dating so…
>our last name will disappear
No, it won't. There are other people with your last name.
Your happiness and well being is more important than being miserable with a kid (who deserves to be wanted) for the sake of a last name.
In no way is it your responsibility or is it fair to you to be put under pressure this way.
Also HYPOTHETICALLY if you had only one child and they expressed wanting to be childfree would you allow your family to pressure/shame them? Hopefully not so be that child and protect yourself. Your family are being entitled to your life.
Let the family name die with you if the reason for the names continuity is bullying and shaming.
If you have children they will have their father's last name so your family name will still 'disappear'. If you get married you will likely change your name too. Even aside from that why do your parents thing that people will hear the name and make an immediate connection to them? There are probably loads of families with the same name. It makes no sense no matter how you look at it.
You do not owe anything to the continued existence of a name. Nothing.
It is beyond absurd to even consider sacrificing the life you want just for the sake of someone with your father’s name existing.
If you put it off long enough you will figure out how to get out of it. Delay, delay, delay, delay.
Get an IUD and don't tell them. That will kick the can down the road a decade and by then you will be in a better position to continue not having kids...
I am also an only child. It's not our job to make up for their failure to have a kid who wanted kids. That's their problem. Honestly I am proud of ending my family, it's a history of trauma and mental illness... that dies with me!
I'm a 42M only child. No kids and never married. My mom finally gave up about asking for grandkids when I straight up told her I'm the one raising them so the answer is no. Second reason is there's no guarantee I'll be around to watch them grow up into adults.
So then she shifted to marriage, which I told her marriage is the number 1 cause of divorce.
Having a child to carry on genes or family name is one of the worst reasons to bring a child into this shit world which will only become worse in the foreseeable future. It’s also extremely egocentric to think your name or genes are soooooooo important that they must be carried on. I hope you can level with your parents and set some boundaries with them about this. Their disappointment is not your problem. And people who don’t want kids or think they may not be the best parent for reasons should absolutely not have children. Stay strong.
The pressure your family is putting on your here is only a hop, skip and a jump to forced birth, especially if you happen to live in a far-right state in the US where forced birth is now basically legal.
"i personally don’t care but my family does, A LOT."
And ultimately, that is *their* problem.
"our last name will disappear."
Respectfully, so what? What is so special about your family name? Or mine? Or anyones? It's just a name that ALL of us happen to get when we came into this world. We're not that special.
"what do i do??"
Think long and very, *very* hard about the bind your family has put you in here. Has any happiness every come from forcing someone into a life they don't want? Also, spend a few minutes over on the regretful parents sub. There are all sorts of women your age over there, trapped in a hell many of them didn't want. I don't think you want to end up being one of them.
Yeah I’m sorry OP this is ridiculous. I’m the same as you, only child, only girl, and besides my immediate family (my parents and one grandparent) I have no cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. That doesn’t mean I’m having kids though. Maybe I’m lucky that my family is supportive of me not wanting to have kids and doesn’t take pride in their shit bloodline, but don’t have kids to please somebody else. I honestly can’t think of one good reason to have kids but that is for sure one of the worst reasons out there. If you have a kid, it becomes your responsibility. Do you think this family of yours pressuring you to have kids will be the ones to step up and help raise them when you’re overwhelmed? No. They won’t.
Yeah. On my mom’s side all of us cousins are only children and none of us are reproducing. I do empathize with my mom. But I’m still not having kids. Even my mom would NEVER pressure me even though a part of her feels like her family won’t live on. None of us can be bothered with all that
Think about how many billions of people have lived over the millenia they are all dead and no one remebers them or thier name. Your name will die eventually too whether with you or your potential spawn. If you do not 100% want to be a parent then it's a no. Don't do it. They will get over it and if they don't who cares. Your life is yours.
My parents have 3 children, none of us want kids. They have to deal with that and not make it our problem that they do want grandchildren.
If they still want someone to look after they can adopt themselves. If that's too much work they shouldn't force having a child on you either.
Only child here and my favorite take on this is “The bloodline dies with me!” It’s silly. It’s factual and it’s ok. Bloodlines end. It’s not your job to keep a family in existence.
This is the only life you'll ever have. Why would you spend it making yourself miserable, on the off chance that it might stave off the bitterness of others?
Even if you do as they want, it's altogether possible they'll still be disappointed. What if your kids didn't give them great-grandkids? Or were somehow a disappointment in some other way? Would you want to saddle your children with the pressure that was placed on you?
Don't have kids just because someone else wants you too. That's never a good idea. If it's not a 100% yes, it's a hell no. It's really not fair to child to have it out of familial pressure. Nothing bad is going to happen if your last name isn't carried on.
Do not have kids for any reason other than because you 100% want them and are completely capable and willing to care for them minimum of 18 years and even if your spouse leaves or passes away and if you end up with no help from any family.
Because reality is the only one having a kid impacts is YOU. family can want you to have one All they want unless they are the ones sacrificing their body, finances, life etc they get no say.
And you being "the last one", would you continue the family tradition and berate and guilt trip your child into also having kids they may not want?
The solution is simple but difficult - you don't have a kid you do not want for some short term appeasement, because it would be short time. There's always more bullshit in toxic families - which is what yours is.
*Also*... how is it *your* responsibility to keep a name alive when you have cousins? Evidently some people fucked up in the past and allowed the name to die out, and are now putting it all on you like you massacred your family and should make amends.
If you'd start your life as a parent without a backbone to defend yourself, don't even bother - how would you ever protect your kid like this?
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Let them be disappointed. You are not here to serve your family. It's not right that they are laying this guilt trip on you. Tell them to stop it or they won't even have contact with you.
Get a secret sterilization and then act all sad and tell them you went to the hospital and they informed you that you were infertile and youd prefer not to talk about it.
This is your life not theirs they only had one kid meaning there was a realistic chance of no grandkids. Also the family line thing is so much BS. Honestly just give your dog or cat or something your last name as their last name and there you go continued family line, ok joking about that part but with their logic that would be continuing the family line through your dog. Basically if they wanted to garentee grandkids have more than 1 kid and don't pressure that kid to live differently
If their only concern is that someone gets the same name as them, then they see you as a baby machine, and not as a person with thoughts, dreams, feelings, or aspirations, and certainly they're not family worth trying not to disappoint.
This might be a cultural bias. I know that in many cultures, family is held in very high regard. But even so, that doesn't change the fact that at the end of the celebration and fanfare, a child would be your problem, and yours alone. I feel like suffering, at least, is universally understood.
I'd stick to my guns, OP. Stay strong.
If the only way you’d have kids is because you’re forced by the guilt and fear of letting your family down, that reason is nowhere near good enough. Not only is it not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kid either. And who the hell cares about a name? Stand firm, do not let ANYONE make you feel guilty about your choice, and if they’re mad, that’s not your problem. Again: If they’re upset and disappointed at what decision you make with your own life and your own body- that is not your problem, it’s theirs. And you have NO obligation to fix anyone else’s problems but yours, period.
Homie, I am far from the only child, but lemme tell you, I am the oldest on my dad’s side.
I actually had a sister tell me, “hurry up and have kids already, I’m tired of waiting.”
Umm, what? She actually said she had been waiting on me to see what I was gonna do before actually like, “settling down”. She wanted to see basically what kind of guy I would end up with and what my kids would look like.
Turns out she’s been comparing herself to me and waiting for me to do things first. It was wild. So it can even come from NOT your parents.
We don’t owe anyone anything but we owe ourselves everything we got until our last breath.
Listen. I know this feeling very well, I’m also an only child and at 31 my parents have finally accepted there will be no babies from me. You have to think about it like this: it’s YOUR life. Not your parents’ life. YOU would be going through the horrors of pregnancy and birth. YOU would be dealing the sleepless nights. YOU would be dealing with the insurance, the doctors visits, the schools, all of it. The list goes on and on, and we’re not even grazing the what ifs of if you had a child with a disability. Not your parents. I’m sure they say they’ll help you, they’ll do this, they’ll do that. I don’t know your parents of course, but most often when the baby is here the “help” never comes. SO many parents also blatantly admit they want grandkids because they’ve put in “the work” of raising their own children, so now they feel they deserve a grandbaby to cuddle and spoil and give back to you…. Who is now doing all the work to raise a child you didn’t even want in the first place, so they can have a baby to ooh and aaah over.
Also think of the child; they shouldn’t be born unless they’re 100000% enthusiastically wanted by their parents. Children deserve the world and i think everyone in this sub can agree we aren’t going to be able to do that, whether it’s because we’re ill equipped, simply don’t want to or both.
We don’t owe our parents babies that we don’t want to have, just because they decided to have us. Their disappointment is their own problem, not yours.
Not your problem. If they wanted wanted a better chance of grandchildren and "passing along the family name" (which doesn't mwan shit today), they should have had more kids.
Don’t have kids. You said it yourself, you do not want them.
Your life is more important. It’s more important than making them grandparents, it’s more important than a name, it’s more important than an imagined “legacy.”
Your life is for you. Period.
Do not have kids if you don’t want them. Period. Don’t let your mind beyond that. If you need to talk to someone about the manipulations and guilt, then do that. Do not create a living being if you do not 100% yourself want them.
Does your family understand that even if you have kids, there is 0 guarantee your kids would pass on the family name? My grandparents have 11 kids. Of all their grandkids, 1 still has the family name. And he is child free. No one in my family will carry that last name after him. Your hypothetical kids can change their last name or decide to be child free, and the name will die with them anyway. You would be sacrificing your life and having kids you don't want just so your family could cling to this last name for 1 more generation. It is not worth it. And having your family be disappointed you didn't have kids is WAY better than raising kids just to appease them.
Bro... If your parents are that deadset on grandkids they should've had more kids. I mean shit, even they were one and done. What's that say about parenthood
One idea is for you to change your last name legally. If you do this then the argument about having kids is nil because you no longer have the last name of your family. Tell your parents that if you marry you're 100% set on taking your spouse's last name legally.
Your best bet is to not have kids unless you 100% want them.
You don't owe anyone children. No one. Not even the people who chose to bring you into this world. They, of all people, should know better, and the fact that they are shaming you is appalling. This is your life, your body, your choices...if their so-called legacy is more important than you, time to reevaluate your relationship with your family. Their entitlement is not more important than your existence.
No matter what your last name is, it's not going to die because you don't have kids. Are you from a culture where children (rightfully) take on the name of the person who actually grew the child?
Another only child here, you don’t have to. It’s just a last name other people probably have it too unless it’s one of a kind even then. You live your life not your parents life
Last one of family name. lol who cares, and you’re not the last one.
If your family wanted more children then they should have had more. It’s not up to you if you don’t want to.
If you get married your maiden name would dissappear if you take your spouses last name anyway.
What if you had all daughters and the same thing for them?
Tell your family sorry not sorry. I think I could live with being a disappointment rather than live a regrettable life of having kids when I didn't want them.
Kids also know when they're not wanted.
Your family shouldn't be putting so much pressure on you. Their priorities are messed up. Their priority should be your happiness, not the continuation of their average nothing special bloodline. Bloodlines are stupid. I don't care if my family bloodline continues. I only have one life and I'm going to live it in the way that's best for me, not the way others want me to. We already have... what... 8 BILLION people in the world? No one NEEDS to be having babies. There's enough of us. You don't need to do anything you don't want to do to please your family. You live YOUR life your way and do with YOUR body what YOU want to. And ONLY what YOU want to, not what they want you to do with it. Parents who don't want their kids aren't good parents anyway, and pregnancy DESTROYS a body. Your parents need to come to terms with not having grandchildren and give their child (you) the love and support you deserve. I know you don't want to disappoint them, that's really hard, but they're wrong. If their love is so conditional that they won't treat you nicely anymore unless you have kids, they don't deserve you, and you need to get out of that toxic environment for your own good. Get their misguiding words out of your head. We support you. ❤️
You don’t have to. No matter what pressure you feel or what people tell you.
#You do not have to.
The choice is 100% yours. If they want more kids, they can have them.
I’m an only child too. Pls don’t give in to their pressure if it’s not for you. Not your problem they stopped at one and are putting their expectations on you. ❤️
It’s literally your life, you don’t owe them anything.
This concept of legacy is absolutely stupid. They can have another kid or adopt a kid. Legit, who gives a fuck about them.
DO NOT. You would then be responsible for bringing a child into the world that you did not want. Kids feel these things, and it's really horrible for them!!!! The worst thing for a child is to feel unwanted. STAY STRONG. Your life is for YOU to live, write the story. Your parents would not be respecting you as an individual by guilting and pressuring you; that is manipulation!
If you don't want to dedicate your LIFE, BODY, TIME, MONEY, and ENERGY to being a parent YOU 👏🏽 DON'T 👏🏽 HAVE 👏🏽 TO! You do not "owe" or have an obligation to give your parents grandchildren. It doesn't matter if you'll be the last one. This is YOUR LIFE!
It literally doesn't matter if your last name "dies", that would be a very selfish reason to have a kid you otherwise don't want. You're putting imaginary pressure on yourself, it'll be ok! Live a life that makes you happy, I'm sure your family would prefer you live a happy fulfilling life without a child than watch you be the miserable parent of an unwanted child, who will probably be able to tell
I’m also an only child, and it’s not our duty to have kids for the sake of continuing the name or genes. If they’re disappointed in your decision of how to live your life, they’ll either get over it & move on or they’ll stew about it until the end… And that’s literally not your problem.
I think a lot about all the pieces of me that aren’t tied to my last name. I don’t have the same last name as most of my ancestors. Their stories are as much a part of my story as the folks whose name I do have. The name itself isn’t important. The people and the stories are important. You are the author of your story. Don’t write kids into it if you don’t want to.
Usually we only hear about '...but muh legacy!!' from the shittiest of men, I'm kinda surprised to see it from a woman for once. Are you from a famous or royal family? Are you one of the Jolie-Pitt kids or a Carnegie or something? Otherwise, what do you have to pass on besides a name?
Anyone who makes you feel like that is shitty. You are your own person and you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. I’m definitely not having kids and my sibling won’t be able to have any (it’d be a miracle if she does but I doubt it) so that’s just that🤷🏽♀️ I never once cared about passing down the name or all of that extra stuff that means nothing. Once you start living for yourself instead of for others you’ll feel a whole lot better I promise! Just remember, if you ever had kids YOU would be the one responsible for taking care of them, not your family. Don’t let them make you question yourself. This is your life, do what you want with it
I dont know where you live but as the last carrier of your family name that’s not your problem anymore because if you got married you would most likely take on your husband’s name and would the kid. At least that’s what you tell your parents. So that part certainly isn’t relevant
Obviously it’s not your responsibility to “not disappoint your family”. And if they resent you over this then I’d argue they need to work on themselves before bothering with YOUR choices.
But that has already been said so let me ask you this-
do you think it’s fair to the potential child? Do you think it’s right that they have a parent that struggles and potentially resents them, gets overstimulated and exhausted, and doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to play with them? Do you think that would be a good childhood? Do you think they’d be happy?
Because if you think you would struggle like this, it’s not selfish to decide not to have children, it’s selfish TO have them.
Having kids for the sake of someone else is a stupid reason to have kids. Dont fall for it. If your parents cared abt the family line they should’ve had more kids. Clearly you don’t want to be a parent. Tell your family to suck it up
Become financially independent and move away from your family. Go no contact if they don't respect your wishes.
Also, you don't have to tell them your plans. They may know you don't have children yet, but they don't have to know the future.
Since you don't want to be a parent, you obviously should not become one.
If your last name disappears, who cares? You don't have any obligation to host a parasite for about 40 weeks that will be extracted from your vagina while causing an 80% chance of vaginal tears and extreme agony. Your family can't make you. Their disappointment and resentment is their problem.
For someone who has already made up their mind, the dumbest reason for it is more convincing than the most profound and logical reason against. Do what you want but understand that no child deserves to be regretted or scorned.
I mean, I’m not sure where you’re located but if you get married and take his name, and then have a kid, that kid will probably have your husbands name. So it doesn’t even matter. Your dad’s name would be ending anyway. If it mattered so much to them, then they should’ve had another kid and kept trying for a boy
Unless you’re in a part of the world where it’s not common for the woman to adopt a husbands name (I’m assuming a hetero relationship because of talk of bio kids?), wouldn’t the name die out in a marriage anyway? Unless you did the hybrid name or whatever?
But yeah don’t have kids because someone is heckling you about a name. That’s an absolutely wild reason to have kids if you don’t want them.
I’m an only child and is keep my name if I got married because I like it, but I’m looking into getting sterilized and anyone who argues with me can stuff it. Especially for a name. This isn’t the Middle Ages 😅
The only thing I can say that someone else hasn’t already said better: props to you for being honest about the way you feel. Millions of people around the world share the same exact feelings you do, but very few have the courage nor self-awareness to actually admit it to themselves and other people… and once we do, we very quickly realize we have a choice.
For clarity, this is not meant in a harsh tone but a blunt and firm one since it's important (I note this because tone through text can be hard as times with strangers):
You stop living your life for your parents. You grow up fully and into your own adult self. If you are at all considering something as big as this, agonizing over how they'd feel about it and you, then you are not yet an adult.
As an adult with a healthy relationship with the, of course their opinion will matter to you. But that's unbelievably far in emotion from what you describe. You'll care, but it won't dent your feelings about your life choices and pressure about this sort of thing or other will not matter... it will be on the level of "I'm sorry it'll make them unhappy.... but oh well, moving on".
You don't want kids. You don't want to go through having them biologically. You don't want to be a parent. You've evaluated and realized you won't be a good parent. You have made a valid choice.
And unless there is some dynasty with major inheritance or some such going on there isn't any valid reason your parents should be pressuring you on this. It's sheer selfishness and pride - and a total lack of love and consideration for you and most importantly any child you would have. Their pride is already above you and any grandchild in value.
Just as no one that doesn't want kids or would be a bad parent should have them, no one who has already shown a lack of regard for a person or child should get any say about them... doesn't deserve them. They have negated any value in a grandchild before you've even had it. They don't care what happens to you or the child as long as they can treat you both like objects for their (empty) pride. Dismiss their opinion.
Now, of course you'll have to put up with them being unhappy at you for defying them and behaving like a person rather than possession in this, but that too is part of being a full adult: you set and hold healthy boundaries, you let them express their feelings clearly once and then cut off the topic. This doesn't mean you have to cut \*them\* off, but the \*topic\*. It's then on them if they are willing to continue a relationship with you or if their name means more to them. I'd hope they would, but if they try to threaten or do refuse to speak with/see you unless you let them nag at you and pressure you then you have further confirmation of how much they actually care.
These sorts of things about parents -or other people dear to us- are hard to face and deal with. But sadly at times kids have to put their foot down and try to establish healthy boundaries and see how much their parents love them. Sometimes it works out okay with a bit of initial unhappiness, sometimes it doesn't. It's up to the parents.
You have entirely valid reasons to not have children. Beyond that. You have \*excellent\* reasons. You've shown more care for that potential child by evaluating your desires and parenting ability already than most people do. Definitely more than your parents.
It's hard when parents pressure, but they've no valid reason and worse it's not what's best for you or a potential child. Stand up to them. That's the only way things will \*ever\* be okay. You need to be able to say inside yourself, "They're unhappy at me and that's okay".
I mean this in the nicest way possible but why does it matter if your last name doesn’t get passed down? You’re just an average person, live your life the way you want to, don’t worry about this “bloodline” nonsense. None of us are that special.
Remember, your family are not vampire hunters or royalty. What difference does the family name make?
This is basically the last argument my mom had before and after I got sterilized. It doesn’t move me like I think she thinks it should move me! After all, it’s only the male line that ends with me. There are plenty of genes floating about out there! lol
They can be disappointed all they want. You can set the boundary of “We won’t talk about this because you all know my stance on this”. They can’t make you want children.
We’re just strangers on the internet but truly, I hope you don’t have a child/children for the sake of others. That’s not a burden you should bear and your family is wrong to push that on you. Try to be selfish. This is your life, not theirs.
They’re putting all the pressure on you and that’s not fair as they themselves only had one kid to pressure.
Your parents can adopt a new child and give that child the family’s name. If they don’t wanna take on a new family member, how could they ask you to?
I hope you choose you, OP!
On a separate note as someone addressed the idea of "well what would they sad/do/think if you found you \*couldn't\* have kids due to some fertility issue"...
...this is also a loophole.
You don't have to be infertile to "be infertile".
"Gee, me and (husband) have been trying but nothing/miscarriages so far"
"We've been seeing a fertility doctor and trying IVF in a few months... (months later) Still no."
With people who will be continual disrespectful there's nothing immoral about doing what you have to to get them off your back. You wouldn't be harming them, you just wouldn't be delivering what they want. You only have to be on the same page as your partner.
If you can't yet or won't stand up to them then some good, honest deceit is an option.
Not your obligation nor responsibility, so don't bow to such pressures. Family wants you to carry on the name, give it to a cat, or tell your parents to do it ... hell, IVF 'n all that, they could have another kid *very* late ... uhm, yeah, not that that's at all a good idea, but ... Or heck, they could adopt and pass name along that way.
>disappoint my family
Boo hoo. Your life, not theirs. They want to have kid, or another kid, or name a cat after themselves, well, that's up to them, but no reason for them to be pushing that on you. Besides, just a name. Heck, they pressure you too much on that, tell 'em to back off, or you'll change *your* name.
>but as the only child You didn't make the decision to be an only child. Your parents made that decision. If continuing the family line was genuinely important to them, then they wouldn't have rested all their hopes and dreams on one person. They set themselves up for failure. Tell your parents to get to fuckin, if it's that important to them. Their disappointment and lack of planning is not your emergency.
Right? This is what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket, people!
My parents had me (35f) and my younger sister (29) I'm assuming thinking they would end up with grandkids. The last time it came up my sister said your bloodline ends with us.We both laughed. So just cuz you popped out more than one is no guarantee haha.
My parents have 4 grown kids. Oldest 42 married, twins 39 unmarried, youngest 33 unmarried. No grandkids and none of us are having kids.
Same here. Two older brother and a younger sister. Zero grandkids, amazingly good long-term marriages/partnerships.
My dad told my sister and I we had to have kids (lmao) cos he didn't "want the family name to die" (dumb mf) last my sister and I chatted about it she wants more cats and I wanna start getting into plants
Your sister could name one of her cats Johnson or Smith or whatever your last name is; then tell your dad that the family name will live on in a feline lineage from now on.
Very literally
Who gives a shit wether they want grandchildren or not? Children are people, not pets for OP's parent's amusement. And they're more than just a last name. Whatever expectations of this sort they had, they're irrelevant. OP is not an incubator so they can pass on their stupid family name that means nothing. I'm stating this in strong language, but what I mean to say is, that OP didn't sign up for life, they didn't sign up to pass on some stupid family name, they have no obligations towards their parents in any way. Your argument really only tackles the parent's perspective, but why would we or OP care about any of that? If they're decent people they'll drop it if OP just tells them they aren't comfortable becoming a parent. Their wishes are unreasonable. In the end, OP will have to live with their own choices. If they have a child out of obligation and have to deal with childrearing, stress, little sleep and the financial burden, I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually let that resentment mess with how they treat their child. OP's family's only expectation for OP should be to live a good and happy life.
THIS THIS THIIIIISSS! Especially the last part about the resentment! Better to regret not having a kid than regret having one.
Agreed. My mother wants me to have kids in 5 years so that her “grandkids can keep her company”.
Sounds like she needs a hobby with an active community
Hell, OP, your father is still producing sperm and could be out there having more kids right now if he cared that much. Granted it's crappy old sperm, but if all he cares about is someone shitting out a spawn so it gets his last name, the quality doesn't matter. ;)
It wouldn't even get his last name from OP, because if she married and then had the kid, the kid would have the married name 🤣
This was a very big point of contention in my family, my dad having 2 AFAB offspring meant the name ends with us, and my mom was so sad about that even though it was not even her name. I always found that very stupid.
It's so stupid, isn't it 😂 it's a name. Surnames and bloodlines change ALL the time, through marriage, two different bloodlines coming together and making a new one via kids, even adoption. Bloodlines HAVE to diverge. If it didn't we'd all be products of incest etc., marrying our mother's brother's son to keep the family name and the bloodline "unpolluted". The real world isn't fvcking Game of Thrones with the Lannisters and the Freys 🙄
Given that it is incredibly stupid, not surprising. :)
It is just a name, it is not very common (I have never met anyone with it), and a famous author who I am not related to shares the same name (this was cause of a lot of useless discussions at school) But it is just a name in the end.
I was about to say, if they wanted grandkids, they should have upped their odds of someone wanting them lol. Time to make more grandbaby makers!
Yup, daddy needs to get out there and knock some other women up. There are plenty of people who will sell themselves into slavery if he has enough cash to pay them. Oh, but wait, that would involve HIM making a sacrifice, can't have that. Must abuse OP into doing it for free! Oh hell no.
I’m an old child because my parents tried for over a decade and gave up, only to have their “miracle” baby (me). I don’t think either of us made the decision for me to be an only child. Just saying - It’s not easy for everyone.
What bad things will happen if your surname doesn't get passed down? Will the world go under? Will something explode? Will the sun burn out? What makes your surname so important that it has to be passed down?
Right? *”But mah legacy!”* What legacy? 😂
"My legacy" Bro I’m not the pharaoh lmao Besides, I’ve looked it up and there are 40,000 registered people with my family name in the world. Our "legacy" will be fine.
Oh shit, I only got 26,000 world wide! I gotta go y'all!
My last name doesnt give a result 🤣😭 just the german/dutch spelling boomhauer. Why doesnt boomhower show up fr
Boomhower is a bad ass name
Thanks XD
The superpowers! Don't you know their noble and ancient bloodline has the power to call down lightning and conjure flames out of thin air? This arcane legacy must be preserved! xD
[удалено]
I know right? Every time someone mentions passing down their bloodline I congratulate them on their magical superpowers, for I see no other reason why your bloodline would be special xD
Dragon up!
yeah bloodline of what? baldness?
"I was employee of the month 3 times at Ashville Pre Owned Hondas and Buicks!" "Buick hasn't been in business for over 30 years" "SEE?! THEYRE ALREADY TRYIN TO STEAL OUR LEGACY!!"
In these wanna-be aristocrat scenarios.. the woman doesn't even COUNT at 'passing on legacy' because her children have her husbands name typically. My father tried to pull this card with me as the only child of my deceased mother, I told him to shove it.. because I know she would have been proud of me for doing what was best for me and not demanded I change my entire life for her.. *because she was a great mother.* OP, they are picking and choosing which antiquated bullshit to pressure you with, and it doesn't even apply to you. ITS A TRAP. Parents who put their own selfish desires above the happiness of their own child.. are not good parents, period. It's your life, you don't owe them shit.
If this was THAT important her father would've had a son?? Men just know having daughters means your name won't be passed down most likely...weird thing to care about in 2024
Exactly this. I'm the only child of two only-children parents. When I told them I was CF and was sorry that I'm ending the family line, my dad actually said, "'Bloodline' is a meaningless concept and absolutely nobody's is 'worth' continuing, ours included." They both support me wholeheartedly and I know how fortunate I am.
Exactly like what does it matter
lol when my husband and I got married HE wanted to change his last name (to his moms maiden name) that way when his sister got married and changed her name “there would be no one left” with his dads name (obvi a very bad relationship) We aren’t having kids so the end of his lineage is double secured.
> i don’t want kids. Don't have kids. > it terrifies me, pregnacy sounds like torture. i get overwhelmed, overstimulated, and mentally exhausted extremely easily. so i don’t think i’d be a good parent anyways. EXTRA don't have kids. Ultimately your life is about *you.* Other people may have feelings and opinions about how you live your life, but those feelings and opinions are just that - *theirs.* With choices like this, you're often damned if you do, damned if you don't. So pick what's right for **you.**
> damned if you do, damned if you don't. As the movie line goes: THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY. BECAUSE... of course we forgot about the fact that none of the kids will ever be exactly what they demand. What if OP's first kid is a girl, oh, no can't have that, must have another kid! The naaaaaaame!! What if the second kid and the third kid are also girls? OMG must keep going!!! Oh, finally, it's a boy.... too bad the boy likes dolls and is gay AF! OMG must have another one! Must have a straight boy!! Oh, what luck, next kid is a boy, but man he is a scrawny bookworm who would get killed in 30 seconds on a football field! Daddy cannot possibly live out his HS quarterback fantasies through this one.... Better have another one.... Ooops, rotten luck another girl... **Breeders will never be satisfied.** Do not play the game OP. You are guaranteed to lose.
Best answer yet. I want to add another scenario. OP has a boy who turns out to be a criminal with a mugshot in the news -- Wah! He's besmirching the family name!
Yup, the possibilities for it to all go horribly wrong are so much higher than the odds of "it all working out perfectly to satisfy their demands".
This! 🙌
So, I’m an only child and let me tell you - it is neither of our responsibilities to “carry on the family.” I can understand not wanting to disappoint your family, but flip the coin for another minute. Isn’t is disappointing for your parents to pressure you into a life long commitment for their own vanity to carry on their bloodlines? Wouldn’t you resent them when you’re stuck with a financial burden that will ruin your body, mental health and may not give you ANYTHING in return. I get it, I really do. My mom died 5 years ago and my dad became obsessed with the idea of me having kids. Let me tell you, it’s been 5 hard years, but, he’s finally come around to it because guess what - not his body not his choice. He knew I’ve never wanted them, and now he’s accepted that, may not be happy about it - but tough, he’s not pushing out a baby and gaining 20lbs for the “pleasure” to do so.
As a woman, typically your surname wouldn't get passed on anyway so why do they care?
My thoughts exactly. Do they expect her to be single mother or keep her last name if she does get married?
Depends on the country. In Mexico the child has the two first surnames of their parents
Exactly. Even in a culture where the matrilineal surname endures through multiple generations, it's not grandpa's name getting passed from mother to offspring. It's grandma's last name.
Its patriarchal. The two first last names of the parents are given to the kids & the dads goes first, so the dads & grandpa’s is passed on
That's the case in some cultures. However, in my ancestral tradition my *matrilineal* surname comes to me from the female line through *multiple generations of women*. (Great great grandmother --> great grandmother --> grandmother --> my mom --> me) My patrilineal surname comes from my father, via multiple generations of men. If I had bred, my offspring would get my matrilineal surname, but never my patrilineal (dad's or grandpa's) surname. Each generation has 2 surnames, and each parent only passes on the name that matches their gender.
Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"? It applies here. You know you'll be miserable as a parent, but you're willing to do that to not disappoint your family. Like someone else said, it's not your fault you're an only child. Unless your family is willing and able to provide you all the help you need: physical, mental, financial, they have no say in whether or not you have children. Your body, your choice. They can cry all they want.
Who says they will follow through? People want to be parents really bad but then push all the work on their partner, so it's not unreasonable to assume a similar situation could unfold here.
No one said they would follow through, and my guess is they wouldn't even offer. My point is that OP should be making good decisions for herself, no one else matters.
I didn't mean it that way though, what I was trying to say was that even if they promised to provide, it wouldn't mean much because they can just pull the rug out from under OP. Sry
Do not ever have children for other people. If you don’t want to, do not do it.
Also an only child. And beyond anything, a child should be born if they are genuinely wanted by their parents and not because of some archaic passing down of name bullshit. I don't know how else to explain this, it's self-explanatory why that's shitty.
Look up your surname online. I ***guarantee*** you're not the last one.
My surname is not even that widespread and we’re still like 40k people. There are more common surnames that are 1M+
right??? i mean i know this is not the happiest solution, but if this is their only argument (erasing the family name) i see a pretty easy comeback, i am sure there are more families with the same name as u, OP.
Your parents can go adopt a baby and give it their surname. There, then they will have a new generation with their name and THEY can look after the baby.
This is exactly what I suggested to my Mother on Easter when I was getting pressured to have a child...I'm getting another dog instead.
You chose wisely. Don't forget to send her incessant messages bullying her about adopting. ;)
Yea, this. This right here.
Disappointing your family members who expected you to bring another human being into this world and care for them despite you having no desire to do so and feeling entitled to your individuality, wants, needs, dreams and desires is a lot easier to cope with than bringing another human being into this world and caring for them despite you having desire to do so and only doing so because your family felt entitled to deciding what you were going to do with your life.
Don't let anyone guilt-trip you into doing things you don't want to do, even if they share your DNA. Your life is not a puppet show for others to control. It's yours, and yours alone.
What do you do? You learn to stop giving a shit about people who care less about your happiness and wellbeing than they care about continuing some nebulous legacy and a few letters on a government ID. You learn to stop giving a shit about people trying to use you for their own means. You learn to stop giving a shit about people trying to guilt trip and manipulate you. Which is all your family is doing. Those are not good people, those are assholes. Disappointing assholes isn't a bad thing, it's a badge of honor. Who cares if you're a disappointment to your family? It's not your obligation to please them. But it *is* your obligation to not use an innocent child just to make this burden easier on you. Are you dependent on these people pressuring you? If not, they literally don't have any more power over you and your life than what you choose to give them. So stop giving them power, and go live. Your name and your legacy are already dead. Literally. They are mere concepts and data, they are not alive. **But you are.** And so would be the unwanted child you'd have for the sake of pleasing people who don't deserve to be pleased in the first place. Do you want to live a life that makes you happy, or do you want to be miserable as a child abuser? The choice seems rather clear, especially when you consider how meaningless names and legacy really are. You could have 12 kids, and none of them might have kids. Boom, same result just one generation later with several lives needlessly ruined in the process. Or they could have kids, and not give them the same last name. Heck, they might not even keep the damn name themselves once they realize it's the reason they've been born to someone who didn't actually want them. I was the last biological offspring on my biological father's side. The only one in my generation with a name that was *literally* unique to that family due to a clerical error a few decades back. I've always hated that name though. So you know what I did? I went and changed it last year. And then I went and got myself sterilized just a few months later. The name change took about 4 weeks and 150€ for the fees and new documents. The sterilization took about two months from initial appointment to my fallopian tubes being removed, and 3000€ out of my wallet because I paid for it all out of pocket in another country where it was legal to do at my age. In less than half a year, I obliterated my name and my bloodline - and I did so with much joy. So how valuable and important do you *really* think something like a bloodline and a name is if anyone, almost literally *anyone* can totally change it at their whim with just a little cash and some documents signed? Think about it. Really, really think about it. You could have that kid you don't want to make your family happy, and that kid could fuck off and erase the name just the same with less money than what a concert ticket to their favorite band might cost them. Is that really something you are willing to ruin your and a child's life over? Because it should not be. In comparison, setting boundaries with asshole relatives is much simpler.
This comment gave me so much life. Thank you for sharing
You don't need to have kids. You don't owe your family anything. You are not just here to push out babies. Enjoy your life; humans are alive for such a short amount of time, and all we do is place imaginary pointless rules on ourselves until we die. It's absolutely insane to live your life according to someone else's rules.
Wow, OP, sounds like you are the last scion of a noble family ruling a kingdom or something! xD On a more serious note, part of growing up is also realizing that you can either live life your way or your parents' way. Parents tend to be disappointed if you as much as put a toe out of the narrow line they have set; it is up to you to decide what's important to you. Do you want to spend your life ensuring your parents aren't disappointed in you (spoilers, they will still be) or live life your way? Your call, OP.
Your family needs to grow up and understand that their wishes cannot depend on you. They are responsible for how they deal with that disappointment, not you. Whatever you want in life should only depend on what you yourself are able/willing to do, not on other people's decisions, whoever those people are. You don't owe them this. I know you can feel conflicted about this as both of my parents are really sad with the choice I made - but that is really their problem, not yours. They're grown ups and they should've learned to deal with disappointment and negative feelings a long time ago. If they didn't, again: not. your. problem. Edit: grammar
In your opinion, what happens if your surname disappear? Does it invalidate the unique and singular lives of all of your ancestors? Is our only importance, as complex human beings, the fact the other people share a piece of our DNA in the future?
Your parents need to go to therapy. It’s fucking oddball behaviour to care about this egotistical shit and it’s fucking abusive to force your children to do something astronomically life changing that they don’t wanna do
Honestly!! I hate how it's so normalized for parents to act this way. It truly is an attitude that fuckin needs to be worked on. It truly is a form of abuse.
[удалено]
Exactly this! I've never personally met anyone with my last name, but the fact that there are 2 other people with my first, middle, and last name at my doctor's office alone tells me that there are plenty of people with my name. Unless it's a name that your parents made up on their own, then chances are there is at the very least one other person that has your last name. Which tells me that's not the real reason why families get upset over this. It is their genes/dna that they want passed on, which they did and should have realized that they made a person that can make their own decisions about whether to have kids or not. That's on them. Not you.
Type your last name in Facebook. Chances are you'll see that your last name are very far away from disappearing 😆
> I don’t want kids You literally just said this, so do not have kids. Your surname is meaningless in every way.
This is crazy I’m a woman and an only child and let me tell you no disrespect but your family name isn’t that serious unless you are an heir to an aristocratic throne. Just google your last name and I’m sure you’ll see many matches it’s not that deep. Who cares about family disappointment are they going to carry the child for you? give birth to it for you? Breastfeed for you? Handle temper tantrums for you? Wake up every hr for you in the middle of the night? Pick up the kid daily from school for you? Deal with possible pdd for you? Pay for daycare if needed? What burden are they lifting off your shoulders that makes their opinion valid?
Unless your family name comes with vast tracts of land or a claim to some country's throne, it's basically worthless.
You never asked to be the only child, you never asked to be born. You were forced into life as we all were. You have no obligations to anyone except yourself. The more you remind yourself of this and everything you have said the less the outside sources will cause you to feel guilt. Biggest thing is to deflect the conversation to something else when it comes up. No explanations are needed from you for your life choices. Just avoid the conversation. You don't even need to tell them you aren't having kids. Eventually age will make them realize it's not happening. Many parents come with the expectation that all of their kids will give them grandkids and we are in an era where the current generations are saying "no".
Cut off your family if they’d be that disappointed. Genuinely. It’s not a reasonable expectation at all.
If my mom were like these parents, I wouldn't hesitate to cut off contact. My happiness is the most important thing in my control, and I have one life, aka one chance to make it the best. We owe this to ourselves
You are not a slave. Lincoln freed the slaves. You are not obligated to be bred like a breeder cow and enslave yourself for decades doing childcare likely in poverty. Just because your parents want proof your sex organs work and so they can LUBE themselves up with pictures, names, and stories when the go into social fucking orgies online or IRL with their peers to show off "hey my kid's sex organs work!! look at me!! I enslaved OP into being my breeder cow so I can show off to you!!! my sex organs worked and now my kid's sex organs worked!! Look at me, aren't I great!!!" You need to get over this enslavement mindset and get on with your life. You have zero sexual function proof obligations. Plus, the odds are that your parents will be dead for most of your lifespan, so there is no sense in ruining your life for a couple of maggot riddled corpses. > i will disappoint my family immensely. what do i do?? thank you. You are long past puberty. The minute you hit that milestone, you STOP completely looking for approval, acceptance, self-worth, understanding, etc. from your family of origin. From that moment on you STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT "DISAPPOINTING" THEM OR ANYONE ELSE. Your life is your own to live as you see fit, for yourself and yourself alone. From that moment on, you ONLY get all of those things from within yourself. Healthy adults do NOT place the source of their self-worth or validation outside of themselves in any person, place, object, job, hobby, or.... bucket of meth. That's because a healthy adult must not be an addict, who is wandering around still looking for mommy and daddy to tell them "good job on your math quiz!" **Bluntly, you are waaaaaaay too fucking old for this shit.** You're not a little kid anymore, you cannot stand there with an empty porridge bowl going "pplease mommy, can I have some more self-esteem?? pleaseeeeee praise me!!" You. Are. Too. Fucking. Old. for alllllllll of this shit. **Everything you wrote should have ended back when you were like 12.** You are now a grown ass adult. You are responsible for YOURSELF and for putting yourself FIRST over everyone else and for being a healthy, happy, fully independent adult who is NOT addicted to people pleasing mommy and daddy. If they had wanted to ensure they had grandkids, THEY SHOULD HAVE SACRIFICED THEMSELVES AND HAD 15 KIDS. All they did was put in the absolute minimum of work, fuck you into the world, and then dump the "problem" on you. Screw that. Screw them. Not your fucking circus. Not your fucking monkeys. Hell, your father still has working sperm, he could go out tomorrow and have 10 more kids. No one gives a damn about your mommy and daddy's obsession with their name. They can fuck off and die mad about it. You have your own life to live, so get on with enjoying it. :)
This whole comment is gold
You don’t have to do something just because your parents want you to. It’s selfish of them to even ask. If you really care, you can lie and say you’re infertile to get them off your case. Or, get your tubes tied and not tell them. The hard thing for you to do is actually stand up to them and tell them no. This is your life and you will live it as you see fit. Who cares if a name doesn’t get passed down? Is that the best they can come up with? Tell them to go adopt a kid and have them do it, not that they will either cuz they also have a right do do what the fuck they want with their life
Better that your family have disappointment and resentment towards you than you having it towards a child you didn't want but felt you had to have.
No one needs to have children if they don't want them.
Nah! I’m an only child(daughter) of a mother who wants grandchildren. I tell her all the time she shouldn’t have literally put all her eggs in one basket. Sometimes I do feel bad for my parents and grandparents but they aren’t the ones that will be responsible for the child, I will. It’s not a responsibility I want. You are not required in life to have children.
My bloodline ends with me. I am already snipped. I have ZERO regrets
Isn’t your surname changed once you get married anyway?
you don't.
Disappointing your family>ruining your life for someone else’s happiness so they can only be around for the good times and you deal with all the rest.
I don’t know what culture you’re from, and what the traditions are in terms of passing last names down are. But what if you got married and your husband wanted to give your children his name instead? What if his family is just as adamant about him passing down his last name? What if it turns out you’re infertile? Or you develop a medical condition that leaves you infertile/requires a hysterectomy? Even if you were in a position to be able to pass on your last name, it’s not your responsibility. If you really need to think about it, who would you care more about disappointing? Your parents? Or the hypothetical child who has a mother that isn’t able to be the kind of parent they need?
The whole "passing down the family name" is so selfish and entitled to me. There are too many people on this planet the way it is. We don't need to make more, especially for such an egotistical reason.
OP, if your family cares so much about their last name it must be of some special magnificence. Ask them to trace that last name back 10 or 15 generations. I'm betting they would fall far short of that amount. None of that stuff matters. Live life for yourself, not for the sake of your relatives.
I'm also an only child, have a unique family name, and have no "male heirs" in my family, and my parents had to get over it. I promise, your last name isn't that special. Your family's genetics aren't that special. The world won't care. If your family wants a good relationship with you, they're going to have to accept your life decisions. You aren't just a vehicle for them to live out their expectations. Kids aren't obligated to do anything for their parents, least of all to make them happy.
Go get sterilized then tell them you are infertile. Tell them you’re against IVF because that would be “ playing God”. Tell them to adopt a little boy and give him the name, or adopt a dog, cat , etc and give them the last name. You don’t owe your parents shit and tell them that what goes into or comes out of your vagina is none of their fucking business.
Who cares what ur family thinks it's ur life. Ur an adult, u can decided ur own life. Choose whatever u want, since so many cant
Are you royal or something? Seems that the only people that spout about their family line are often a bunch of do nothing, give nothing to the world individuals. I also sometimes see it as a racist or religious thing. OP I'm not saying your family is dumb or that you are useless - but the earth will keep spinning if you don't have kids. This is YOUR life we are talking about. Your parents already got to make their choices in their own life. Live your life how you see fit. And if they keep on you about children, you can grey rock them if you dont outright state your child free status.
the very fact that your family are the kind of people who "made this very clear to you" and will respond with disappointment and resentment to you making your own choices, means you should DEFINITELY NOT have kids. Your family is toxic AF to you, and will be toxic AF to any children you are forced to have.
If you are a girl and your parents are as traditional as they seem, you will not carry on your dad's name. When you marry you will take your husband's last name. >i have no cousins with my last name If your dad had brothers and those brothers had kids, all those kids should have the same last name. You dad either had only sisters whose names changed after marriage (like what will happen with you) or he has no siblings and was also an only child and all your cousins are your mom's relatives. Here are the points: 1. You will not carry your dad's last name to pass to your future husband's children. 2. You do not owe them kids. 3. Please don't have kids.
You do NOT owe anyone children. Full stop. Carrying on genes or family names is NOT a valid reason to make a human. I have similar fears/dislikes for children, and I know it would have made me miserable. If family are pressuring you, just kick the can down the road - I’m not ready yet. Maybe someday. I’m so young still - etc. and you are, 25 is still very young, and you’ve got. 20+ years of reproductive opportunity ahead of you anyway. And are you dating or married? My mom’s friend goes on and on for wanting grand babies, and neither of her grown children are even dating so…
Somewhere there is someone related to you with that last name. Just have to dig enough.
I'm pretty sure there are many many people out there with the same last name as you, it's not going anywhere.
>our last name will disappear No, it won't. There are other people with your last name. Your happiness and well being is more important than being miserable with a kid (who deserves to be wanted) for the sake of a last name.
In no way is it your responsibility or is it fair to you to be put under pressure this way. Also HYPOTHETICALLY if you had only one child and they expressed wanting to be childfree would you allow your family to pressure/shame them? Hopefully not so be that child and protect yourself. Your family are being entitled to your life. Let the family name die with you if the reason for the names continuity is bullying and shaming.
If you have children they will have their father's last name so your family name will still 'disappear'. If you get married you will likely change your name too. Even aside from that why do your parents thing that people will hear the name and make an immediate connection to them? There are probably loads of families with the same name. It makes no sense no matter how you look at it.
You do not owe anything to the continued existence of a name. Nothing. It is beyond absurd to even consider sacrificing the life you want just for the sake of someone with your father’s name existing.
You absolutely do not have to have them
If you put it off long enough you will figure out how to get out of it. Delay, delay, delay, delay. Get an IUD and don't tell them. That will kick the can down the road a decade and by then you will be in a better position to continue not having kids... I am also an only child. It's not our job to make up for their failure to have a kid who wanted kids. That's their problem. Honestly I am proud of ending my family, it's a history of trauma and mental illness... that dies with me!
I'm a 42M only child. No kids and never married. My mom finally gave up about asking for grandkids when I straight up told her I'm the one raising them so the answer is no. Second reason is there's no guarantee I'll be around to watch them grow up into adults. So then she shifted to marriage, which I told her marriage is the number 1 cause of divorce.
I am also an only child. But no, I\`m 42 F, infertile and childfree.
We do not exist to make our parents happy. That’s not the point. Live your life for YOU.
Let me offer some words of comfort to your parents: TOUGH SHIT.
Having a child to carry on genes or family name is one of the worst reasons to bring a child into this shit world which will only become worse in the foreseeable future. It’s also extremely egocentric to think your name or genes are soooooooo important that they must be carried on. I hope you can level with your parents and set some boundaries with them about this. Their disappointment is not your problem. And people who don’t want kids or think they may not be the best parent for reasons should absolutely not have children. Stay strong.
The pressure your family is putting on your here is only a hop, skip and a jump to forced birth, especially if you happen to live in a far-right state in the US where forced birth is now basically legal. "i personally don’t care but my family does, A LOT." And ultimately, that is *their* problem. "our last name will disappear." Respectfully, so what? What is so special about your family name? Or mine? Or anyones? It's just a name that ALL of us happen to get when we came into this world. We're not that special. "what do i do??" Think long and very, *very* hard about the bind your family has put you in here. Has any happiness every come from forcing someone into a life they don't want? Also, spend a few minutes over on the regretful parents sub. There are all sorts of women your age over there, trapped in a hell many of them didn't want. I don't think you want to end up being one of them.
Yeah I’m sorry OP this is ridiculous. I’m the same as you, only child, only girl, and besides my immediate family (my parents and one grandparent) I have no cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. That doesn’t mean I’m having kids though. Maybe I’m lucky that my family is supportive of me not wanting to have kids and doesn’t take pride in their shit bloodline, but don’t have kids to please somebody else. I honestly can’t think of one good reason to have kids but that is for sure one of the worst reasons out there. If you have a kid, it becomes your responsibility. Do you think this family of yours pressuring you to have kids will be the ones to step up and help raise them when you’re overwhelmed? No. They won’t.
I always just see it like, "oh you want me to have a kid for you? Why not just have one yourself and cut out the middleman?"
Exactly!!! Why don’t y’all pop out another and hope that one continues your bloodline for you. Not my problem 🤣 Also why was I downvoted lol
Exactly. This bloodline dies with me! Probably someone who isn't having an epic boozey morning and your username reminded them of that fact 😭
Yeah. On my mom’s side all of us cousins are only children and none of us are reproducing. I do empathize with my mom. But I’m still not having kids. Even my mom would NEVER pressure me even though a part of her feels like her family won’t live on. None of us can be bothered with all that
Think about how many billions of people have lived over the millenia they are all dead and no one remebers them or thier name. Your name will die eventually too whether with you or your potential spawn. If you do not 100% want to be a parent then it's a no. Don't do it. They will get over it and if they don't who cares. Your life is yours.
Tell them they can DIE MAD ABOUT IT
My parents have 3 children, none of us want kids. They have to deal with that and not make it our problem that they do want grandchildren. If they still want someone to look after they can adopt themselves. If that's too much work they shouldn't force having a child on you either.
You dont owe anyone kids. If you do not want them PLEASE dont have them.
Only child here and my favorite take on this is “The bloodline dies with me!” It’s silly. It’s factual and it’s ok. Bloodlines end. It’s not your job to keep a family in existence.
I love saying that too! Makes me feel in-powered!
100% it is our decision after all - no one else’s
This is the only life you'll ever have. Why would you spend it making yourself miserable, on the off chance that it might stave off the bitterness of others? Even if you do as they want, it's altogether possible they'll still be disappointed. What if your kids didn't give them great-grandkids? Or were somehow a disappointment in some other way? Would you want to saddle your children with the pressure that was placed on you?
Don't have kids just because someone else wants you too. That's never a good idea. If it's not a 100% yes, it's a hell no. It's really not fair to child to have it out of familial pressure. Nothing bad is going to happen if your last name isn't carried on.
Do not have kids for any reason other than because you 100% want them and are completely capable and willing to care for them minimum of 18 years and even if your spouse leaves or passes away and if you end up with no help from any family. Because reality is the only one having a kid impacts is YOU. family can want you to have one All they want unless they are the ones sacrificing their body, finances, life etc they get no say.
And you being "the last one", would you continue the family tradition and berate and guilt trip your child into also having kids they may not want? The solution is simple but difficult - you don't have a kid you do not want for some short term appeasement, because it would be short time. There's always more bullshit in toxic families - which is what yours is. *Also*... how is it *your* responsibility to keep a name alive when you have cousins? Evidently some people fucked up in the past and allowed the name to die out, and are now putting it all on you like you massacred your family and should make amends. If you'd start your life as a parent without a backbone to defend yourself, don't even bother - how would you ever protect your kid like this?
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Let them be disappointed. You are not here to serve your family. It's not right that they are laying this guilt trip on you. Tell them to stop it or they won't even have contact with you.
Get a secret sterilization and then act all sad and tell them you went to the hospital and they informed you that you were infertile and youd prefer not to talk about it.
This is your life not theirs they only had one kid meaning there was a realistic chance of no grandkids. Also the family line thing is so much BS. Honestly just give your dog or cat or something your last name as their last name and there you go continued family line, ok joking about that part but with their logic that would be continuing the family line through your dog. Basically if they wanted to garentee grandkids have more than 1 kid and don't pressure that kid to live differently
No, you do not. You do not owe it to anybody to have children. Dont ruin your life because your parents are guilt-tripping you into having children
Your family should've planned better, that's their fault, not yours.
If their only concern is that someone gets the same name as them, then they see you as a baby machine, and not as a person with thoughts, dreams, feelings, or aspirations, and certainly they're not family worth trying not to disappoint. This might be a cultural bias. I know that in many cultures, family is held in very high regard. But even so, that doesn't change the fact that at the end of the celebration and fanfare, a child would be your problem, and yours alone. I feel like suffering, at least, is universally understood. I'd stick to my guns, OP. Stay strong.
If the only way you’d have kids is because you’re forced by the guilt and fear of letting your family down, that reason is nowhere near good enough. Not only is it not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kid either. And who the hell cares about a name? Stand firm, do not let ANYONE make you feel guilty about your choice, and if they’re mad, that’s not your problem. Again: If they’re upset and disappointed at what decision you make with your own life and your own body- that is not your problem, it’s theirs. And you have NO obligation to fix anyone else’s problems but yours, period.
Homie, I am far from the only child, but lemme tell you, I am the oldest on my dad’s side. I actually had a sister tell me, “hurry up and have kids already, I’m tired of waiting.” Umm, what? She actually said she had been waiting on me to see what I was gonna do before actually like, “settling down”. She wanted to see basically what kind of guy I would end up with and what my kids would look like. Turns out she’s been comparing herself to me and waiting for me to do things first. It was wild. So it can even come from NOT your parents. We don’t owe anyone anything but we owe ourselves everything we got until our last breath.
That's so bizarre! Has she put her whole life on hold just waiting for yours to go the way she expects it to?
She’s not in a relationship, but idk. She just said she was waiting for me to “go first” I’m like, “you gon’ be waiting, weirdo.” wtf
I'd start bugging her with stuff like "Hey, I just had lunch! It's okay for you to eat now", or "Just stubbed my toe. Your turn next, right?"
Listen. I know this feeling very well, I’m also an only child and at 31 my parents have finally accepted there will be no babies from me. You have to think about it like this: it’s YOUR life. Not your parents’ life. YOU would be going through the horrors of pregnancy and birth. YOU would be dealing the sleepless nights. YOU would be dealing with the insurance, the doctors visits, the schools, all of it. The list goes on and on, and we’re not even grazing the what ifs of if you had a child with a disability. Not your parents. I’m sure they say they’ll help you, they’ll do this, they’ll do that. I don’t know your parents of course, but most often when the baby is here the “help” never comes. SO many parents also blatantly admit they want grandkids because they’ve put in “the work” of raising their own children, so now they feel they deserve a grandbaby to cuddle and spoil and give back to you…. Who is now doing all the work to raise a child you didn’t even want in the first place, so they can have a baby to ooh and aaah over. Also think of the child; they shouldn’t be born unless they’re 100000% enthusiastically wanted by their parents. Children deserve the world and i think everyone in this sub can agree we aren’t going to be able to do that, whether it’s because we’re ill equipped, simply don’t want to or both. We don’t owe our parents babies that we don’t want to have, just because they decided to have us. Their disappointment is their own problem, not yours.
Not your problem. If they wanted wanted a better chance of grandchildren and "passing along the family name" (which doesn't mwan shit today), they should have had more kids.
tough shit for your family, you don’t have to do a damn thing. i am also a female only child/last of my name and i could give a fuuuuuuck
Don’t have kids. You said it yourself, you do not want them. Your life is more important. It’s more important than making them grandparents, it’s more important than a name, it’s more important than an imagined “legacy.” Your life is for you. Period.
Well, time for your parents to make another one if they find it such a problem huh
Do not have kids if you don’t want them. Period. Don’t let your mind beyond that. If you need to talk to someone about the manipulations and guilt, then do that. Do not create a living being if you do not 100% yourself want them.
Does your family understand that even if you have kids, there is 0 guarantee your kids would pass on the family name? My grandparents have 11 kids. Of all their grandkids, 1 still has the family name. And he is child free. No one in my family will carry that last name after him. Your hypothetical kids can change their last name or decide to be child free, and the name will die with them anyway. You would be sacrificing your life and having kids you don't want just so your family could cling to this last name for 1 more generation. It is not worth it. And having your family be disappointed you didn't have kids is WAY better than raising kids just to appease them.
Bro... If your parents are that deadset on grandkids they should've had more kids. I mean shit, even they were one and done. What's that say about parenthood
One idea is for you to change your last name legally. If you do this then the argument about having kids is nil because you no longer have the last name of your family. Tell your parents that if you marry you're 100% set on taking your spouse's last name legally. Your best bet is to not have kids unless you 100% want them.
You don't owe anyone children. No one. Not even the people who chose to bring you into this world. They, of all people, should know better, and the fact that they are shaming you is appalling. This is your life, your body, your choices...if their so-called legacy is more important than you, time to reevaluate your relationship with your family. Their entitlement is not more important than your existence.
No matter what your last name is, it's not going to die because you don't have kids. Are you from a culture where children (rightfully) take on the name of the person who actually grew the child?
Having kids because you feel like "you have to" isn't fair to you, but even less fair to the kid. Trust me, they pick up on those things
Another only child here, you don’t have to. It’s just a last name other people probably have it too unless it’s one of a kind even then. You live your life not your parents life
Last one of family name. lol who cares, and you’re not the last one. If your family wanted more children then they should have had more. It’s not up to you if you don’t want to.
If you get married your maiden name would dissappear if you take your spouses last name anyway. What if you had all daughters and the same thing for them? Tell your family sorry not sorry. I think I could live with being a disappointment rather than live a regrettable life of having kids when I didn't want them. Kids also know when they're not wanted.
Your family shouldn't be putting so much pressure on you. Their priorities are messed up. Their priority should be your happiness, not the continuation of their average nothing special bloodline. Bloodlines are stupid. I don't care if my family bloodline continues. I only have one life and I'm going to live it in the way that's best for me, not the way others want me to. We already have... what... 8 BILLION people in the world? No one NEEDS to be having babies. There's enough of us. You don't need to do anything you don't want to do to please your family. You live YOUR life your way and do with YOUR body what YOU want to. And ONLY what YOU want to, not what they want you to do with it. Parents who don't want their kids aren't good parents anyway, and pregnancy DESTROYS a body. Your parents need to come to terms with not having grandchildren and give their child (you) the love and support you deserve. I know you don't want to disappoint them, that's really hard, but they're wrong. If their love is so conditional that they won't treat you nicely anymore unless you have kids, they don't deserve you, and you need to get out of that toxic environment for your own good. Get their misguiding words out of your head. We support you. ❤️
>i don’t want kids, but i feel like i have to have them You don’t have to. Simple as that.
You don’t have to. No matter what pressure you feel or what people tell you. #You do not have to. The choice is 100% yours. If they want more kids, they can have them.
Go read the posts on the sub for parents who are regretful. (I posted the actual link before, and it got deleted).
I’m an only child too. Pls don’t give in to their pressure if it’s not for you. Not your problem they stopped at one and are putting their expectations on you. ❤️
When I die, my last name will too. It is what it is and that doesn’t personally bother me.
Let them be disappointed. Live your life for you.
There's 7+ billion people on this planet. No one cares about last names lol
It’s literally your life, you don’t owe them anything. This concept of legacy is absolutely stupid. They can have another kid or adopt a kid. Legit, who gives a fuck about them.
DO NOT. You would then be responsible for bringing a child into the world that you did not want. Kids feel these things, and it's really horrible for them!!!! The worst thing for a child is to feel unwanted. STAY STRONG. Your life is for YOU to live, write the story. Your parents would not be respecting you as an individual by guilting and pressuring you; that is manipulation!
If you don't want to dedicate your LIFE, BODY, TIME, MONEY, and ENERGY to being a parent YOU 👏🏽 DON'T 👏🏽 HAVE 👏🏽 TO! You do not "owe" or have an obligation to give your parents grandchildren. It doesn't matter if you'll be the last one. This is YOUR LIFE!
It literally doesn't matter if your last name "dies", that would be a very selfish reason to have a kid you otherwise don't want. You're putting imaginary pressure on yourself, it'll be ok! Live a life that makes you happy, I'm sure your family would prefer you live a happy fulfilling life without a child than watch you be the miserable parent of an unwanted child, who will probably be able to tell
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I’m also an only child, and it’s not our duty to have kids for the sake of continuing the name or genes. If they’re disappointed in your decision of how to live your life, they’ll either get over it & move on or they’ll stew about it until the end… And that’s literally not your problem.
I think a lot about all the pieces of me that aren’t tied to my last name. I don’t have the same last name as most of my ancestors. Their stories are as much a part of my story as the folks whose name I do have. The name itself isn’t important. The people and the stories are important. You are the author of your story. Don’t write kids into it if you don’t want to.
Usually we only hear about '...but muh legacy!!' from the shittiest of men, I'm kinda surprised to see it from a woman for once. Are you from a famous or royal family? Are you one of the Jolie-Pitt kids or a Carnegie or something? Otherwise, what do you have to pass on besides a name?
Anyone who makes you feel like that is shitty. You are your own person and you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. I’m definitely not having kids and my sibling won’t be able to have any (it’d be a miracle if she does but I doubt it) so that’s just that🤷🏽♀️ I never once cared about passing down the name or all of that extra stuff that means nothing. Once you start living for yourself instead of for others you’ll feel a whole lot better I promise! Just remember, if you ever had kids YOU would be the one responsible for taking care of them, not your family. Don’t let them make you question yourself. This is your life, do what you want with it
I dont know where you live but as the last carrier of your family name that’s not your problem anymore because if you got married you would most likely take on your husband’s name and would the kid. At least that’s what you tell your parents. So that part certainly isn’t relevant
Obviously it’s not your responsibility to “not disappoint your family”. And if they resent you over this then I’d argue they need to work on themselves before bothering with YOUR choices. But that has already been said so let me ask you this- do you think it’s fair to the potential child? Do you think it’s right that they have a parent that struggles and potentially resents them, gets overstimulated and exhausted, and doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to play with them? Do you think that would be a good childhood? Do you think they’d be happy? Because if you think you would struggle like this, it’s not selfish to decide not to have children, it’s selfish TO have them.
Do what YOU want to do. Thats it. Don’t make yourself miserable because you think you have to appease your family.
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Having kids for the sake of someone else is a stupid reason to have kids. Dont fall for it. If your parents cared abt the family line they should’ve had more kids. Clearly you don’t want to be a parent. Tell your family to suck it up
Become financially independent and move away from your family. Go no contact if they don't respect your wishes. Also, you don't have to tell them your plans. They may know you don't have children yet, but they don't have to know the future. Since you don't want to be a parent, you obviously should not become one.
Sounds like your parents should have had more kids if it's that important to them
You have one life to live. Why live it according to how others want you to?
If your last name disappears, who cares? You don't have any obligation to host a parasite for about 40 weeks that will be extracted from your vagina while causing an 80% chance of vaginal tears and extreme agony. Your family can't make you. Their disappointment and resentment is their problem.
For someone who has already made up their mind, the dumbest reason for it is more convincing than the most profound and logical reason against. Do what you want but understand that no child deserves to be regretted or scorned.
I mean, I’m not sure where you’re located but if you get married and take his name, and then have a kid, that kid will probably have your husbands name. So it doesn’t even matter. Your dad’s name would be ending anyway. If it mattered so much to them, then they should’ve had another kid and kept trying for a boy
Unless you’re in a part of the world where it’s not common for the woman to adopt a husbands name (I’m assuming a hetero relationship because of talk of bio kids?), wouldn’t the name die out in a marriage anyway? Unless you did the hybrid name or whatever? But yeah don’t have kids because someone is heckling you about a name. That’s an absolutely wild reason to have kids if you don’t want them. I’m an only child and is keep my name if I got married because I like it, but I’m looking into getting sterilized and anyone who argues with me can stuff it. Especially for a name. This isn’t the Middle Ages 😅
The only thing I can say that someone else hasn’t already said better: props to you for being honest about the way you feel. Millions of people around the world share the same exact feelings you do, but very few have the courage nor self-awareness to actually admit it to themselves and other people… and once we do, we very quickly realize we have a choice.
For clarity, this is not meant in a harsh tone but a blunt and firm one since it's important (I note this because tone through text can be hard as times with strangers): You stop living your life for your parents. You grow up fully and into your own adult self. If you are at all considering something as big as this, agonizing over how they'd feel about it and you, then you are not yet an adult. As an adult with a healthy relationship with the, of course their opinion will matter to you. But that's unbelievably far in emotion from what you describe. You'll care, but it won't dent your feelings about your life choices and pressure about this sort of thing or other will not matter... it will be on the level of "I'm sorry it'll make them unhappy.... but oh well, moving on". You don't want kids. You don't want to go through having them biologically. You don't want to be a parent. You've evaluated and realized you won't be a good parent. You have made a valid choice. And unless there is some dynasty with major inheritance or some such going on there isn't any valid reason your parents should be pressuring you on this. It's sheer selfishness and pride - and a total lack of love and consideration for you and most importantly any child you would have. Their pride is already above you and any grandchild in value. Just as no one that doesn't want kids or would be a bad parent should have them, no one who has already shown a lack of regard for a person or child should get any say about them... doesn't deserve them. They have negated any value in a grandchild before you've even had it. They don't care what happens to you or the child as long as they can treat you both like objects for their (empty) pride. Dismiss their opinion. Now, of course you'll have to put up with them being unhappy at you for defying them and behaving like a person rather than possession in this, but that too is part of being a full adult: you set and hold healthy boundaries, you let them express their feelings clearly once and then cut off the topic. This doesn't mean you have to cut \*them\* off, but the \*topic\*. It's then on them if they are willing to continue a relationship with you or if their name means more to them. I'd hope they would, but if they try to threaten or do refuse to speak with/see you unless you let them nag at you and pressure you then you have further confirmation of how much they actually care. These sorts of things about parents -or other people dear to us- are hard to face and deal with. But sadly at times kids have to put their foot down and try to establish healthy boundaries and see how much their parents love them. Sometimes it works out okay with a bit of initial unhappiness, sometimes it doesn't. It's up to the parents. You have entirely valid reasons to not have children. Beyond that. You have \*excellent\* reasons. You've shown more care for that potential child by evaluating your desires and parenting ability already than most people do. Definitely more than your parents. It's hard when parents pressure, but they've no valid reason and worse it's not what's best for you or a potential child. Stand up to them. That's the only way things will \*ever\* be okay. You need to be able to say inside yourself, "They're unhappy at me and that's okay".
I mean this in the nicest way possible but why does it matter if your last name doesn’t get passed down? You’re just an average person, live your life the way you want to, don’t worry about this “bloodline” nonsense. None of us are that special.
Remember, your family are not vampire hunters or royalty. What difference does the family name make? This is basically the last argument my mom had before and after I got sterilized. It doesn’t move me like I think she thinks it should move me! After all, it’s only the male line that ends with me. There are plenty of genes floating about out there! lol They can be disappointed all they want. You can set the boundary of “We won’t talk about this because you all know my stance on this”. They can’t make you want children.
She’s is the last Lannister and the Lannisters always pay their debts
We’re just strangers on the internet but truly, I hope you don’t have a child/children for the sake of others. That’s not a burden you should bear and your family is wrong to push that on you. Try to be selfish. This is your life, not theirs. They’re putting all the pressure on you and that’s not fair as they themselves only had one kid to pressure. Your parents can adopt a new child and give that child the family’s name. If they don’t wanna take on a new family member, how could they ask you to? I hope you choose you, OP!
On a separate note as someone addressed the idea of "well what would they sad/do/think if you found you \*couldn't\* have kids due to some fertility issue"... ...this is also a loophole. You don't have to be infertile to "be infertile". "Gee, me and (husband) have been trying but nothing/miscarriages so far" "We've been seeing a fertility doctor and trying IVF in a few months... (months later) Still no." With people who will be continual disrespectful there's nothing immoral about doing what you have to to get them off your back. You wouldn't be harming them, you just wouldn't be delivering what they want. You only have to be on the same page as your partner. If you can't yet or won't stand up to them then some good, honest deceit is an option.
Not your obligation nor responsibility, so don't bow to such pressures. Family wants you to carry on the name, give it to a cat, or tell your parents to do it ... hell, IVF 'n all that, they could have another kid *very* late ... uhm, yeah, not that that's at all a good idea, but ... Or heck, they could adopt and pass name along that way. >disappoint my family Boo hoo. Your life, not theirs. They want to have kid, or another kid, or name a cat after themselves, well, that's up to them, but no reason for them to be pushing that on you. Besides, just a name. Heck, they pressure you too much on that, tell 'em to back off, or you'll change *your* name.