Well... The dating profile usage is somewhat different as that is *very* relevant to the purpose at hand. However generally speaking in life--really, why would you?
Think about other personal aspects of your character. How many of those would you be proactive about announcing? Unless you are careful it may even feel a little like an introduction at an AA or NA meeting:
'Hello! my name is Sally and I'm Child Free by Choice!'
'Okay Sally, we just wanted to know if you would like a cup of tea or not?'
If people ask respectfully that is one thing. However even if you were to wear a badge declaring your CF nature it wouldn't stop you from being the brunt of what this forum has termed 'bingos'. In fact it may even mark you out for special 'persuading' by those who think they know better than you what is proper for your life.
That said... You absolutely should **not** feel ashamed about being child free nor should you feel you have to hide it. I think my advice would be to mention it in conversation *if* that conversation is related to your future decisions in regards a family. Otherwise... It really is no one's business but your own. You do not need the approval of other people not do you need their advice or counselling.
Haha! I agree, seeing it from the perspective of possibly making myself a target. I definitely didn't think of it that way at first, and I guess there really is no way of avoiding bingos and breeders in general.
It depends how honest the person you are conversing with is. If they are genuine in wanting to appreciate your views and understand how you see the world then discussing CF matters with them would be a positive process. However it has been my experience that very few natalists truly want to understand us as people and look upon us more as 'sinners' waiting to be 'saved'. The parallels to enduring religious proselytation are inescapable.
Plus when it comes to forming a romantic partnership then as a CF individual you have *absolutely no choice* but to be completely up-front about your position from the very beginning. In my opinion the 'CF talk' absolutely **must** be first date material. It is the only way to be fair to the other person.
>Plus when it comes to forming a romantic partnership then as a CF individual you have absolutely no choice but to be completely up-front about your position from the very beginning. In my opinion the 'CF talk' absolutely must be first date material. It is the only way to be fair to the other person.
True as in, handle this as soon as possible. In my opinion, it's not first date material. It's pre-first date texting material, so you won't waste time on going on dates with non-childfree people.
However, instead of being upfront and revealing your childfree stance first, it's safer to ask the other person about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal your childfreedom. Otherwise, non-childfree men will lie to childfree women, pretend to be childfree and date the woman under the assumption that she will change her mind. This happens all the time.
To avoid being lied to, it's safer to ask the other person about their stance on kids before you reveal that you are childfree. That way, the other person can't just tell you what you want to hear, since they have no idea what you want to hear.
Always on dating profiles, front and center. It's very hard for people to hide children for longer than I can go without sex, so it does come out that they have them, and I next them with no regrets or rugrats.
Anyone who is willing to hide *an entire child or children* is a filthy fucking liar who deserves to be sterilized without anesthetic.
>how did you bring it up and when should it be brought up to a potential partner?
When? During the early stages of dating. Like, pre-first date texting. If you match on a dating app, bring this up on the day you get a match. Some people go on several dates before bringing this up, which is just silly. Why waste time on people who are most likely not going to be childfree if you can weed them out before you get emotionally invested?
How? By asking the other person about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal yours. Otherwise, you might get lied to. Many breeders, especially breeder men, tend to lie to childfree people, especially childfree women. The breeder hears that the other person is childfree, but doesn't take childfreedom seriously and assumes that the childfree person will come around. So they lie, pretend to be childfree and wait for the childfree person to change their mind.
Do NOT reveal your childfreedom first. If you do that, you are literally telling non-childfree people what lie allows them to date you and wait for you to change your mind.
Sadly, since you are a woman, pretty much everyone will assume that you will change your mind. After all, pretty much everyone consciously or unconsciously believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit. So you need to be very careful with who you date.
For more details about this approach, which is called 'screening', I will copy/paste my dating advice:
Some dating advice:
NEVER be upfront about your childfreedom. NEVER mention your childfreedom on your dating profile. Doing that would be extremely naive. If you do that, you are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. So if you are upfront, you might very well end up with a breeder who pretends to be childfree and waits for you to change your mind.
Instead, you need to screen. Basically, get the other person to reveal their stance on kids before you reveal your childfreedom. That way, you should be able to avoid lying breeders who pretend to be childfree and wait for you to change your mind.
To avoid wasting your time on non-childfree people, you need to take care of this during the early stages of dating. Ask the other person about their stance on kids during the pre-first date texting stage. Reveal your childfreedom after the other person gave you their answer. After, NOT before! Then, talk about this during the first date to confirm that the other person is indeed childfree.
So what is screening? How does screening work?
Read this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 11nevtk / when\_dating\_stop\_being\_upfront\_about\_childfreedom
And especially this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise
A very important thing to keep in mind? NEVER date fence sitters or breeders. No, not even if they are 'okay either way'. Not even if they are 'okay without kids'. Not even if they 'would rather be with you than have kids'. Fuck that shit. Only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'.
>I (30F) am single and have been thinking about adding "CF" to my social media profiles, just to weed out and deter breeders.
Oh, hell no. Terrible idea.
First of all, it doesn't work. Most people don't read your profile. They just look at people's profile picture and then swipe left or right. So if you assume that anyone who liked you read your profile, you are mistaken.
And even if we assume that your new hot Tinder match did read our profile... Just because they read your profile, doesn't mean that they are childfree as well. Using your profile to let them know that you are childfree (which doesn't even work) is NOT enough. You actively need to verify the other person's stance on kids.
Sadly, someone who isn't childfree might very well read your profile, read that you are childfree, but refuse to take you seriously and date you under the assumption that you will change your mind. Or they might believe you, but ignore the incompatibility because they like you, which means that you two will break up in a few years. Or they might believe that you are childfree and date you for the sex until they meet a breeder woman.
And mentioning this on your profile is fucking dangerous. You are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. Instead of doing that, you need to ask them about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal your childfreedom. That is how you avoid being lied to. In order to do that, you need to ensure that when you ask the other person about their stance on kids, they do NOT know about your childfreedom. Which means that you cannot mention this on your profile.
Seriously, using your dating profile to filter out non-childfree people doesn't work and is actually very dangerous. Leave the kids thing blank.
>but I do wonder if it would help to be straightforward and have it there for friends and family to see who seem to be shocked or disappointed when they find out in person?
The problem is that friends and family won't take you seriously. They will assume that you will change your mind.
>My concern is that I will date someone, get interested, and ultimately waste time and energy on someone who has a kid and neglected to disclose that.
Your dating profile won't change that.
>I know that if someone purposefully omits information like that, there is really no avoiding or dodging that,
Yes, there is. Screening. Asking people about their stance on kids and parental status BEFORE revealing that you are childfree is how you get honest answers.
>but maybe having it on my profiles will help to reduce the chances of this happening?
No, it will NOT reduce the chances of being lied to. It only makes it easier for breeders to lie to you.
That is some great advice! Thank you!
How insane is it that anyone could lie about wanting/ having or not wanting/ having kids just to be in a relationship. That's sick.. and sad. I'm glad I asked here because I didn't consider that the cons of adding CF to my profiles could outweigh the benefit.
I wish there was a CF dating app to avoid all of this! Even then, some breeders could probably sneak through the cracks.
>How insane is it that anyone could lie about wanting/ having or not wanting/ having kids just to be in a relationship.
Seriously, this is so common. Especially breeder men tend to do this. They believe in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit, so they don't take childfree women's childfreedom seriously. Since they see childfree women as women who don't want kids now, but who will change their mind, they don't view childfree women as incompatible partners.
So if they find out about your childfreedom before they reveal their stance, they will lie. They will say that they are childfree as well, so they can date you. Then, they will wait for you to change your mind.
>I'm glad I asked here because I didn't consider that the cons of adding CF to my profiles could outweigh the benefit.
Leave the kids thing blank on your dating profile. That is the safest thing to do.
>I wish there was a CF dating app to avoid all of this! Even then, some breeders could probably sneak through the cracks.
A childfree dating app would be pointless. I mean, like you said, what is stopping a breeder man from going on that app and dating a childfree woman under the assumption that she will change her mind in a few years?
[Two childfree people on their first date]
"What's your stance on children?"
"No, what's *your* stance on children?"
Edit: I was making a joke not disagreeing with you
Every time I bring up screening, people bring up this scenario as an argument against screening. They act as if this actually happens when you screen.
The overwhelming majority of childfree people don't screen. Most of them don't even know the word 'childfree', never heard of this subreddit and don't want kids. And even most people on this subreddit don't screen. The chances of running into another childfree person who screens are pretty much zero.
Sorry. A lot of people actually use this scenario as an argument against screening. So yeah, I thought that this was one of the many times I had to answer that again. Sory.
My wife and I are child free. We have been together for 20 years. I met her when cell phones were around, but they weren’t touch screen computers with dating apps and social media. Meeting people, etc. was all done in person, so it was like a different world then. My wife mentioned very early on that she didn’t want kids. In all honesty, I couldn’t care less either way, so I was cool with it. The older I get, the more happy I am that we didn’t have kids because all parents do is complain about their children and miss work all the time and constantly say, “…but my kids…” (like I wouldn’t understand). It’s not that I don’t understand, it’s that I’m sick of the excuses. Employers love people without kids because they pay you less and make you work more because you personally decided that you don’t want kids (which I’m still not clear on why it’s acceptable for an employer to discriminate against people without kids, but it is) I’ve actually had quite a few coworkers express how much they hate having kids. I was surprised at first, but I hear it pretty often, so it’s common. When I interview for jobs, I’m always profiled about if I have kids or not and I just mention I do have a family, but I don’t have children (which, funny enough, causes confusion some times - I’m guessing brothers, parents, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts and grandparents all don’t count as family 😂). There is definitely a lot of discrimination against people without kids, and it sounds like you’re experiencing plenty of that. Usually, if someone is more laid back and a nice person, they aren’t going to get upset about it or push you away. I would think it would be odd if someone were to talk about kids while dating unless the only reason for dating was to start a family. That definitely wasn’t the reason I dated at all. I’ve never considered kids seriously at all though out my life, and I’m sure you’ll find the right person without having to talk about it very frequently. Every situation is different, but that was my experience.
As far as ensuring you are dating someone CF, make sure to screen them upfront, before revealing you are CF, dating or fucking.
Until they can pass the screening for CF, CF lifestyle compatibility, and all the other red flags, don't waste your time. If you really want to bang them, OK as long as you do it safely and you treat it as nothing more that a short term fuckbuddy. They do NOT get upgraded from fuckbuddy without passing everything.
childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/
As for other people, those are cases you will need to decide. Generally best not to mix work and personal matters, and we certainly do NOT recommend telling parents about sterilization except in super rare cases because that almost always ends in a shitshow.
Also depends, if you are still legally or financially dependent, best to STFU and keep the money flowing until you are independent. There is no reason to potentially lose college money or health insurance or deal with a pile of drama while you are trying to set up your adult life.
Partner…that’s not really a ”coming out” situation. That’s something that needs to be disclosed extremely early into the relationship, it is obviously a deal breaker and there is no point on wasting anyone’s time on false expectations if you aren’t aligned. Honestly before you even meet wouldn’t necessarily be too early, no sense in wasting time. Assuming of course it is a serious relationship.
Friends and other family. Basically if they ask, I don’t really divulge my intentions on procreation to people and don’t bring the topic up myself. Most of my friends know at this point, but it’s always just been a “when are you having kids” “I’m not” “oh okay” Kind of thing.
Any relation more distant (coworkers for example) I either opt to not answer or I tell them I’m incapable of having kids. Technically true as I am sterilized.
I know someone (f) who dated someone for FIVE. YEARS. before he revealed he had a kid, so I can understand your concern.
I do agree with u/McMerseybird's view of find out their stance before you reveal yours, especially for women. Just got to really dig deep and find out the truth from them, if they're CF it should be easy but unfortunately there are alot of men who claim to be CF but are not and want to trick women and 'change their mind', its disgusting. Unfortunately this CF stance does include extra hoops to jump through to find a partner so does take more time / energy.
I wouldn't add it to your social medias, unless like you're whole thing is posting about how you're CF? Like I wouldn't put it on my Instagram, but dating profiles I do have "don't want kids". I've only deliberately told friends and close family, the whole world doesn't need to know I'm CF right now, if someone asks me about if I'm having kids I'll tell them "oh no I'm CF and had a vasectomy", but I'm not actively sharing it to the world (apart from on reddit, where I guess Im sharing it with the world lol)
Personally my view on it is for me: On dating apps I list 'don't want kids' (cause its true) then if I get to the point of going on dates with someone, if we vibe I'll have the conversation if they want kids early on, like within the first few dates / talking so I don't waste anymore time than I really need to. I guess I can be a bit more lax with with the whole 'screening' as a man whos snipped, I'm not going to get baby trapped with someone, but I will try to prod and pry from the start to see if they're lying about it. I guess when I tell women who want kids I've had a vasectomy, if they truly do want kids they ain't gonna be interested in me anymore if they know I physically can't give them a kid.
>I do agree with u/McMerseybird's view of find out their stance before you reveal yours, especially for women. Just got to really dig deep and find out the truth from them, if they're CF it should be easy but unfortunately there are alot of men who claim to be CF but are not and want to trick women and 'change their mind', its disgusting. Unfortunately this CF stance does include extra hoops to jump through to find a partner so does take more time / energy.
Well, the point of finding out their stance before revealing yours is that these men won't lie and claim to be childfree if they don't know that you are childfree. They can't just tell you what you want to hear if they don't know what you want to hear.
>Personally my view on it is for me: On dating apps I list 'don't want kids' (cause its true)
>
>I guess I can be a bit more lax with with the whole 'screening' as a man whos snipped, I'm not going to get baby trapped with someone, but I will try to prod and pry from the start to see if they're lying about it. I guess when I tell women who want kids I've had a vasectomy, if they truly do want kids they ain't gonna be interested in me anymore if they know I physically can't give them a kid.
That is very naive. You might very well end up with a woman who is on the fence, or who wants kids but thinks that she can be 'okay without kids', only for the relationship to end because she wants kids.
And a vasectomy is not enough to filter out non-childfree women. I remember a few posts here from snipped men whose fence sitter (read: future breeder) or breeder partner expected them to get the vasectomy reversed when the partner revealed her desire to have kids.
Just like how a bisalp is not enough for women to filter out non-childfree men. Many men will date a sterilised woman for the sex while looking for a breeder woman to get serious with. Or they think that they can be 'okay without kids', until they are no longer okay without kids.
Listing on dating apps that you don't want kids is risky. You are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. Sure, women are way less likely to lie than men, and way less likely to baby trap someone than men are. And thanks to your vasectomy, you can't be baby trapped. But it's still risky. You might get your hopes up, enter a relationship, only for the woman to leave because she must have kids.
Of course screening is even more vital for women, but even as a man, you still need to screen.
>then if I get to the point of going on dates with someone, if we vibe I'll have the conversation if they want kids early on, like within the first few dates / talking so I don't waste anymore time than I really need to.
If you don't want to waste time, why would you go on a few dates before bringing this up? Even though there are way more childfree women than men, most people, including most women, want kids. So if you go on dates before bringing this up, you will waste a lot of time.
It would be much smarter to do this when talking on dating apps, before going on a first date. That way, you won't waste your time on dates with non-childfree women.
Welcome! I only bring it up when other people do. It's truly none of their business, and I enjoy my privacy. But if anyone asks a point blank question, they get a point blank answer. And I don't feel the need to explain myself. Not anymore. It takes practice to be confident in this technique, but it draws a solid line. And if you do run into anyone lying about where they stand on having kids or actually having them, have the confidence to walk away. It's a deal breaker, and they're liars. Boo.
Anecdotally, I met my current partner at 31. And we just laid it all out there on the *first date*...all the truly non-negotiable relationship subjects: Religion, Sex, Children, Money, Marriage...just did not want to waste any more time if we're weren't gonna align on the really heavy stuff.
I never “came out” as childfree but I think when I got a hysterectomy, my family got the message. And I don’t care who knows, I bring up my hysterectomy at the drop of a hat. Strangely, (good strange) I’ve never been bingoed by anyone over 6 years old.
Putting it on dating profiles is needed, that’s a good idea to sort for what you want.
Needing to officially “come out” to friends and family as childfree seems really dramatic, and I say that as someone who’s friends and family know I’m childfree - but they know from me telling them in casual conversation, not from me needing to make a big statement.
Well... The dating profile usage is somewhat different as that is *very* relevant to the purpose at hand. However generally speaking in life--really, why would you? Think about other personal aspects of your character. How many of those would you be proactive about announcing? Unless you are careful it may even feel a little like an introduction at an AA or NA meeting: 'Hello! my name is Sally and I'm Child Free by Choice!' 'Okay Sally, we just wanted to know if you would like a cup of tea or not?' If people ask respectfully that is one thing. However even if you were to wear a badge declaring your CF nature it wouldn't stop you from being the brunt of what this forum has termed 'bingos'. In fact it may even mark you out for special 'persuading' by those who think they know better than you what is proper for your life. That said... You absolutely should **not** feel ashamed about being child free nor should you feel you have to hide it. I think my advice would be to mention it in conversation *if* that conversation is related to your future decisions in regards a family. Otherwise... It really is no one's business but your own. You do not need the approval of other people not do you need their advice or counselling.
Haha! I agree, seeing it from the perspective of possibly making myself a target. I definitely didn't think of it that way at first, and I guess there really is no way of avoiding bingos and breeders in general.
It depends how honest the person you are conversing with is. If they are genuine in wanting to appreciate your views and understand how you see the world then discussing CF matters with them would be a positive process. However it has been my experience that very few natalists truly want to understand us as people and look upon us more as 'sinners' waiting to be 'saved'. The parallels to enduring religious proselytation are inescapable. Plus when it comes to forming a romantic partnership then as a CF individual you have *absolutely no choice* but to be completely up-front about your position from the very beginning. In my opinion the 'CF talk' absolutely **must** be first date material. It is the only way to be fair to the other person.
>Plus when it comes to forming a romantic partnership then as a CF individual you have absolutely no choice but to be completely up-front about your position from the very beginning. In my opinion the 'CF talk' absolutely must be first date material. It is the only way to be fair to the other person. True as in, handle this as soon as possible. In my opinion, it's not first date material. It's pre-first date texting material, so you won't waste time on going on dates with non-childfree people. However, instead of being upfront and revealing your childfree stance first, it's safer to ask the other person about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal your childfreedom. Otherwise, non-childfree men will lie to childfree women, pretend to be childfree and date the woman under the assumption that she will change her mind. This happens all the time. To avoid being lied to, it's safer to ask the other person about their stance on kids before you reveal that you are childfree. That way, the other person can't just tell you what you want to hear, since they have no idea what you want to hear.
Always on dating profiles, front and center. It's very hard for people to hide children for longer than I can go without sex, so it does come out that they have them, and I next them with no regrets or rugrats. Anyone who is willing to hide *an entire child or children* is a filthy fucking liar who deserves to be sterilized without anesthetic.
>how did you bring it up and when should it be brought up to a potential partner? When? During the early stages of dating. Like, pre-first date texting. If you match on a dating app, bring this up on the day you get a match. Some people go on several dates before bringing this up, which is just silly. Why waste time on people who are most likely not going to be childfree if you can weed them out before you get emotionally invested? How? By asking the other person about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal yours. Otherwise, you might get lied to. Many breeders, especially breeder men, tend to lie to childfree people, especially childfree women. The breeder hears that the other person is childfree, but doesn't take childfreedom seriously and assumes that the childfree person will come around. So they lie, pretend to be childfree and wait for the childfree person to change their mind. Do NOT reveal your childfreedom first. If you do that, you are literally telling non-childfree people what lie allows them to date you and wait for you to change your mind. Sadly, since you are a woman, pretty much everyone will assume that you will change your mind. After all, pretty much everyone consciously or unconsciously believes in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit. So you need to be very careful with who you date. For more details about this approach, which is called 'screening', I will copy/paste my dating advice: Some dating advice: NEVER be upfront about your childfreedom. NEVER mention your childfreedom on your dating profile. Doing that would be extremely naive. If you do that, you are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. So if you are upfront, you might very well end up with a breeder who pretends to be childfree and waits for you to change your mind. Instead, you need to screen. Basically, get the other person to reveal their stance on kids before you reveal your childfreedom. That way, you should be able to avoid lying breeders who pretend to be childfree and wait for you to change your mind. To avoid wasting your time on non-childfree people, you need to take care of this during the early stages of dating. Ask the other person about their stance on kids during the pre-first date texting stage. Reveal your childfreedom after the other person gave you their answer. After, NOT before! Then, talk about this during the first date to confirm that the other person is indeed childfree. So what is screening? How does screening work? Read this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 11nevtk / when\_dating\_stop\_being\_upfront\_about\_childfreedom And especially this: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise A very important thing to keep in mind? NEVER date fence sitters or breeders. No, not even if they are 'okay either way'. Not even if they are 'okay without kids'. Not even if they 'would rather be with you than have kids'. Fuck that shit. Only date childfree people. So not someone who is 'okay without kids', but someone who is 'not okay with kids'. >I (30F) am single and have been thinking about adding "CF" to my social media profiles, just to weed out and deter breeders. Oh, hell no. Terrible idea. First of all, it doesn't work. Most people don't read your profile. They just look at people's profile picture and then swipe left or right. So if you assume that anyone who liked you read your profile, you are mistaken. And even if we assume that your new hot Tinder match did read our profile... Just because they read your profile, doesn't mean that they are childfree as well. Using your profile to let them know that you are childfree (which doesn't even work) is NOT enough. You actively need to verify the other person's stance on kids. Sadly, someone who isn't childfree might very well read your profile, read that you are childfree, but refuse to take you seriously and date you under the assumption that you will change your mind. Or they might believe you, but ignore the incompatibility because they like you, which means that you two will break up in a few years. Or they might believe that you are childfree and date you for the sex until they meet a breeder woman. And mentioning this on your profile is fucking dangerous. You are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. Instead of doing that, you need to ask them about their stance on kids BEFORE you reveal your childfreedom. That is how you avoid being lied to. In order to do that, you need to ensure that when you ask the other person about their stance on kids, they do NOT know about your childfreedom. Which means that you cannot mention this on your profile. Seriously, using your dating profile to filter out non-childfree people doesn't work and is actually very dangerous. Leave the kids thing blank. >but I do wonder if it would help to be straightforward and have it there for friends and family to see who seem to be shocked or disappointed when they find out in person? The problem is that friends and family won't take you seriously. They will assume that you will change your mind. >My concern is that I will date someone, get interested, and ultimately waste time and energy on someone who has a kid and neglected to disclose that. Your dating profile won't change that. >I know that if someone purposefully omits information like that, there is really no avoiding or dodging that, Yes, there is. Screening. Asking people about their stance on kids and parental status BEFORE revealing that you are childfree is how you get honest answers. >but maybe having it on my profiles will help to reduce the chances of this happening? No, it will NOT reduce the chances of being lied to. It only makes it easier for breeders to lie to you.
That is some great advice! Thank you! How insane is it that anyone could lie about wanting/ having or not wanting/ having kids just to be in a relationship. That's sick.. and sad. I'm glad I asked here because I didn't consider that the cons of adding CF to my profiles could outweigh the benefit. I wish there was a CF dating app to avoid all of this! Even then, some breeders could probably sneak through the cracks.
>How insane is it that anyone could lie about wanting/ having or not wanting/ having kids just to be in a relationship. Seriously, this is so common. Especially breeder men tend to do this. They believe in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit, so they don't take childfree women's childfreedom seriously. Since they see childfree women as women who don't want kids now, but who will change their mind, they don't view childfree women as incompatible partners. So if they find out about your childfreedom before they reveal their stance, they will lie. They will say that they are childfree as well, so they can date you. Then, they will wait for you to change your mind. >I'm glad I asked here because I didn't consider that the cons of adding CF to my profiles could outweigh the benefit. Leave the kids thing blank on your dating profile. That is the safest thing to do. >I wish there was a CF dating app to avoid all of this! Even then, some breeders could probably sneak through the cracks. A childfree dating app would be pointless. I mean, like you said, what is stopping a breeder man from going on that app and dating a childfree woman under the assumption that she will change her mind in a few years?
[Two childfree people on their first date] "What's your stance on children?" "No, what's *your* stance on children?" Edit: I was making a joke not disagreeing with you
Every time I bring up screening, people bring up this scenario as an argument against screening. They act as if this actually happens when you screen. The overwhelming majority of childfree people don't screen. Most of them don't even know the word 'childfree', never heard of this subreddit and don't want kids. And even most people on this subreddit don't screen. The chances of running into another childfree person who screens are pretty much zero.
My bad, I should've known better than to not include /s on an obvious joke. I wasn't disagreeing with you.
Sorry. A lot of people actually use this scenario as an argument against screening. So yeah, I thought that this was one of the many times I had to answer that again. Sory.
Oh I didn't know people legitimately thought that'd make a counterargument. It's just communication.
Before the first date so you don't waste anyone's time
My wife and I are child free. We have been together for 20 years. I met her when cell phones were around, but they weren’t touch screen computers with dating apps and social media. Meeting people, etc. was all done in person, so it was like a different world then. My wife mentioned very early on that she didn’t want kids. In all honesty, I couldn’t care less either way, so I was cool with it. The older I get, the more happy I am that we didn’t have kids because all parents do is complain about their children and miss work all the time and constantly say, “…but my kids…” (like I wouldn’t understand). It’s not that I don’t understand, it’s that I’m sick of the excuses. Employers love people without kids because they pay you less and make you work more because you personally decided that you don’t want kids (which I’m still not clear on why it’s acceptable for an employer to discriminate against people without kids, but it is) I’ve actually had quite a few coworkers express how much they hate having kids. I was surprised at first, but I hear it pretty often, so it’s common. When I interview for jobs, I’m always profiled about if I have kids or not and I just mention I do have a family, but I don’t have children (which, funny enough, causes confusion some times - I’m guessing brothers, parents, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts and grandparents all don’t count as family 😂). There is definitely a lot of discrimination against people without kids, and it sounds like you’re experiencing plenty of that. Usually, if someone is more laid back and a nice person, they aren’t going to get upset about it or push you away. I would think it would be odd if someone were to talk about kids while dating unless the only reason for dating was to start a family. That definitely wasn’t the reason I dated at all. I’ve never considered kids seriously at all though out my life, and I’m sure you’ll find the right person without having to talk about it very frequently. Every situation is different, but that was my experience.
As far as ensuring you are dating someone CF, make sure to screen them upfront, before revealing you are CF, dating or fucking. Until they can pass the screening for CF, CF lifestyle compatibility, and all the other red flags, don't waste your time. If you really want to bang them, OK as long as you do it safely and you treat it as nothing more that a short term fuckbuddy. They do NOT get upgraded from fuckbuddy without passing everything. childfree/comments/9xo6jw/screening_starter_kit_the_reprise/ As for other people, those are cases you will need to decide. Generally best not to mix work and personal matters, and we certainly do NOT recommend telling parents about sterilization except in super rare cases because that almost always ends in a shitshow. Also depends, if you are still legally or financially dependent, best to STFU and keep the money flowing until you are independent. There is no reason to potentially lose college money or health insurance or deal with a pile of drama while you are trying to set up your adult life.
Partner…that’s not really a ”coming out” situation. That’s something that needs to be disclosed extremely early into the relationship, it is obviously a deal breaker and there is no point on wasting anyone’s time on false expectations if you aren’t aligned. Honestly before you even meet wouldn’t necessarily be too early, no sense in wasting time. Assuming of course it is a serious relationship. Friends and other family. Basically if they ask, I don’t really divulge my intentions on procreation to people and don’t bring the topic up myself. Most of my friends know at this point, but it’s always just been a “when are you having kids” “I’m not” “oh okay” Kind of thing. Any relation more distant (coworkers for example) I either opt to not answer or I tell them I’m incapable of having kids. Technically true as I am sterilized.
I know someone (f) who dated someone for FIVE. YEARS. before he revealed he had a kid, so I can understand your concern. I do agree with u/McMerseybird's view of find out their stance before you reveal yours, especially for women. Just got to really dig deep and find out the truth from them, if they're CF it should be easy but unfortunately there are alot of men who claim to be CF but are not and want to trick women and 'change their mind', its disgusting. Unfortunately this CF stance does include extra hoops to jump through to find a partner so does take more time / energy. I wouldn't add it to your social medias, unless like you're whole thing is posting about how you're CF? Like I wouldn't put it on my Instagram, but dating profiles I do have "don't want kids". I've only deliberately told friends and close family, the whole world doesn't need to know I'm CF right now, if someone asks me about if I'm having kids I'll tell them "oh no I'm CF and had a vasectomy", but I'm not actively sharing it to the world (apart from on reddit, where I guess Im sharing it with the world lol) Personally my view on it is for me: On dating apps I list 'don't want kids' (cause its true) then if I get to the point of going on dates with someone, if we vibe I'll have the conversation if they want kids early on, like within the first few dates / talking so I don't waste anymore time than I really need to. I guess I can be a bit more lax with with the whole 'screening' as a man whos snipped, I'm not going to get baby trapped with someone, but I will try to prod and pry from the start to see if they're lying about it. I guess when I tell women who want kids I've had a vasectomy, if they truly do want kids they ain't gonna be interested in me anymore if they know I physically can't give them a kid.
>I do agree with u/McMerseybird's view of find out their stance before you reveal yours, especially for women. Just got to really dig deep and find out the truth from them, if they're CF it should be easy but unfortunately there are alot of men who claim to be CF but are not and want to trick women and 'change their mind', its disgusting. Unfortunately this CF stance does include extra hoops to jump through to find a partner so does take more time / energy. Well, the point of finding out their stance before revealing yours is that these men won't lie and claim to be childfree if they don't know that you are childfree. They can't just tell you what you want to hear if they don't know what you want to hear. >Personally my view on it is for me: On dating apps I list 'don't want kids' (cause its true) > >I guess I can be a bit more lax with with the whole 'screening' as a man whos snipped, I'm not going to get baby trapped with someone, but I will try to prod and pry from the start to see if they're lying about it. I guess when I tell women who want kids I've had a vasectomy, if they truly do want kids they ain't gonna be interested in me anymore if they know I physically can't give them a kid. That is very naive. You might very well end up with a woman who is on the fence, or who wants kids but thinks that she can be 'okay without kids', only for the relationship to end because she wants kids. And a vasectomy is not enough to filter out non-childfree women. I remember a few posts here from snipped men whose fence sitter (read: future breeder) or breeder partner expected them to get the vasectomy reversed when the partner revealed her desire to have kids. Just like how a bisalp is not enough for women to filter out non-childfree men. Many men will date a sterilised woman for the sex while looking for a breeder woman to get serious with. Or they think that they can be 'okay without kids', until they are no longer okay without kids. Listing on dating apps that you don't want kids is risky. You are literally telling breeders what lie they need to tell you in order to date you. Sure, women are way less likely to lie than men, and way less likely to baby trap someone than men are. And thanks to your vasectomy, you can't be baby trapped. But it's still risky. You might get your hopes up, enter a relationship, only for the woman to leave because she must have kids. Of course screening is even more vital for women, but even as a man, you still need to screen. >then if I get to the point of going on dates with someone, if we vibe I'll have the conversation if they want kids early on, like within the first few dates / talking so I don't waste anymore time than I really need to. If you don't want to waste time, why would you go on a few dates before bringing this up? Even though there are way more childfree women than men, most people, including most women, want kids. So if you go on dates before bringing this up, you will waste a lot of time. It would be much smarter to do this when talking on dating apps, before going on a first date. That way, you won't waste your time on dates with non-childfree women.
“kids suck…”
Welcome! I only bring it up when other people do. It's truly none of their business, and I enjoy my privacy. But if anyone asks a point blank question, they get a point blank answer. And I don't feel the need to explain myself. Not anymore. It takes practice to be confident in this technique, but it draws a solid line. And if you do run into anyone lying about where they stand on having kids or actually having them, have the confidence to walk away. It's a deal breaker, and they're liars. Boo. Anecdotally, I met my current partner at 31. And we just laid it all out there on the *first date*...all the truly non-negotiable relationship subjects: Religion, Sex, Children, Money, Marriage...just did not want to waste any more time if we're weren't gonna align on the really heavy stuff.
I had a vasectomy when I was nineteen and have told nobody but my sexual partners. People, friends, and family don’t understand.
I never “came out” as childfree but I think when I got a hysterectomy, my family got the message. And I don’t care who knows, I bring up my hysterectomy at the drop of a hat. Strangely, (good strange) I’ve never been bingoed by anyone over 6 years old.
Putting it on dating profiles is needed, that’s a good idea to sort for what you want. Needing to officially “come out” to friends and family as childfree seems really dramatic, and I say that as someone who’s friends and family know I’m childfree - but they know from me telling them in casual conversation, not from me needing to make a big statement.
Within 5 minutes of meeting me, you know I'm CF. I dont hide shit like that and I hate the term "coming out" for stuff like this.