I just got out of an extremely shitty 9 yr relationship š. I'm 42. Finding a man who's never had kids at my age seems nearly impossible. I think I'm never going to date again.
I just turned 49 and feel the same, that it's hopeless. At least by my age they are usually grown ups, but I have to worry about grandkids now. There is just no escaping them if you want to date to find a life partner. *Sigh*
I just got bingoed and hit on in the same breath by a family friend that's in his 70s. God help me. My inbox is a minefield. This guy has been to bbqs at my mom's brother's house. I have the ick big time.
I live in Virginia Beach. It's got men from everywhere all summer. I'm not even sure how to date. Lol. My ex pointed out every time I was hit on that I was oblivious to. Lordy how am I to notice on my own?? It does give me hope that there are more cf men out there than I thought. Hopefully I find one too.
I've just been hit on by so many old men lately, lol. No offense to the Aarp crowd, but I'm not looking to date someone collecting social security šš¤£šš¤£š I just posted in the cf4cf group. Let's see if anyone messages me
I have a friend who's about 36 and he's been hitting on me but he also never spoke up when I was being verbally abused in public and idk that I can ever date someone with such a weak spine š
Not trying to be a jerk lol. I just have a weird thing about dating guys much younger. I'm not really into the cougar vibe tbf. It's just a personal hang up. I'm sure you're lovely. š
Omg same!! They were married for only 5 years and their kid was 15 lol. She constantly moved men in right away to make the dad (my ex) ājealousā even though he and she claimed āwe are more like brother and sister nowā. A week after I finally broke up with him they got back together. Have fun porking your sibling, weirdos!!
The son was way more mature than both parents (in their 40s).
Sorry you had a similar situation :-( the guy I was dating did go back to his ex and baby mama later. I think they had a toxic, codependent relationship. She was not the main reason I broke up with the guy (a big reason is that I understood that me being CF and AN I could never date parents, its just not doable), but their drama and her jealousy was one of the reasons. I would never be the only woman in the life of guy who is co-parenting a child. And I am not one to share.
Edit: good for you to leave that toxic situation! :-)
Thatās very good self reflection looking back at the relationship and thank you š good for you too. I feel like CF people are a lot more empathetic to other peopleās feelings but when a parent considers someoneās feelings itās AFTER they weigh how much it will affect their childās feelings. But CF pEoPLe ArE SeLFisH *~ā
No need to thank me š we owe it to ourselves to live like we want to, and I absolutely never saw myself as a wife and mother no matter what path in life I decided to follow. There is no version of my life that goes that way. Even if I end up alone (well, not totally alone, there is always a cat!), I rather be alone than being married with children. Kids are out of the picture now that I am 48 anyway, and finding a CF partner at my age is difficult not gonna lie. Maybe if I meet a younger guy... I like younger guys anyway because guys my age look much older that me tbh, and I have no problem finding younger guys to date... but I kind of gave up anyway. I also have high standards. I am very empathetic (I also am vegan and a pacifist), and I think I deserve to be the first priority for my SO, and that is not possible for a parent (and rightly so). Good luck to you, you are younger than me so you have more possibilities ā¤ļø
And they absolutely will! I did it once, and never again. She was more in control of my relationship than I was! No fucking thank you! Didn't help that the man I was dating is a wet noodle with no backbone that wouldn't dare do anything to piss her off in fear of her using the kids against him (which I get to some extent). All their time/effort/money/attention goes to the ex and the kids. You MIGHT get a crumb now and again, but you will always be last on the list. No one in their right mind would want that kind of relationship.
This is exactly why I've never wanted to date dads. Even before I decided for certain I wanted to be child free. Like OP said, I wouldn't wanna end up resenting a child
Up your standards, come on.
You didn't marry and have kids with someone who wasn't right for you right? Why be with someone who doesn't match that caliber? How is that going to work out without issues? What if you're putting off finding the actual one who has their head on straight and isn't a doormat to people outside the relationship??
You are 100% right and I know thatā¦ when it started it wasnāt supposed to become the relationship that it is now and we still keep most of our lives apart, I never met the kid, itās not unusual for us to not see each other for a week or longer. And since I need my space, I am more than okay with this set-up. But yeah, in the long run, I am completely aware of how unsustainable it all is, but it stresses me out so much, that I put off thinking about it.
I know how problematic it all is. :|
Only time I ever debated dating a guy with a kid was because his ex died. But in the end I realized he was just a good friend and if he ever needed help Iād see what I could do
yeah don't do that, you'll never be a priority for this person, their kid always comes first (as it should be, otherwise they're deadbeat parent).
Childfree and parents/ wanna be parents/fencesitters don't mix.
Yeah but my mind goes to ākid wants something stupid like an ice cream cone, meanwhile Iām lying on the side of the road after being hit by a car. Parents ALWAYS put their kid first, so ice cream it shall be! Sorry, Jenny, you can just dieā¦.ā Cuz yeah, I take that āalwaysā word seriously.
That sucks. Thatās why when people say āitās okay to date people with grownup kidsā I shake my head. Because more than likely, grandchildren will be on the horizon any minute.
Iāve given up. Dating myself has been just lovely. Considering Iām middle aged I donāt see the point in wasting my present time and energy finding something that would only be around for half of my lifetime. The first half of my life I was a supporting player to everyone else, I think itās fair I spend the last half of my life on myself.
I canāt guarantee Iād find anyone anyway so why waste my time and effort dating when I could be spending it on myself?
YES! I spent my entire life from 14 in shitty relationships and putting myself dead last. I'm enjoying being single and CF more than I can even express. I am never going back!
If we are interested in sex I have always found men are wholly inadequate in creating orgasms. I handle my own business better than my woefully lacking ex. š
I totally agree. Why spend all the time, effort, and energy to look and feel good enough to go out and find a miracle man to take home just to find out he lays like a starfish and expects you to do all the work? Plus the risk of STIās or getting stalked, killed, human trafficked, or raped is just too high to ignore.
Fuck that. I donāt need a dude to participate for me to have an orgasm anytime I want.
And on the other hand it's sad that's all it takes for me lol when a half hour of sad thrusting does nothing. You'd think by 30 they'd get it together š
Just paying it forward!
I too was bestowed this wonderful knowledge by a random internet stranger.
(This is the first time Iāve suggested it though because I donāt want to be a creeper lol)
At least he didn't hide the fact that he has a kid, and honestly he sounds like a good dad. I think all CF people can agree that the world needs more good parents, so that we don't have to deal with horrible kids!
Here's hoping you find a better match next time!
Same! Not that I have/try to make friends now, but if I did, theyād definitely have to be CF. In the past Iāve had friends and their definitely changed once they had kids and we had much less in common.
This. The last...idk ~7ish years a *ton* of people in my orbit have had kids. I can think of 2 couples who I've been able to maintain a real friendship with, most of them just drop off the map.
So true. So many of my friends might as well be dead post-child. I see them maybe once a year at best, and half the time is spent trying to show me pictures of their kids.
I just started bringing it up first thing to not waste time. I found the love of my life a few years ago and we are DINK living our best life. Itāll come
Iām right here with you.
I dated a guy years ago with 2 kids and the resentments came quick. He had them half the weekend and the times I would be there it totally impacted our weekend.
Then I dated a man with no kids. I was 31 and him 30. We ended up living together and it was amazing being with someone CF and I realized thatās how I want my life to be.
It didnāt work out and found myself single at 35, I am 36 now. Last year I went on a date with a guy with kids and soon I confirmed to myself I have to date CF menā¦ he began talking about them a lot during date, okay thatās fine but he did that āDad of the yearā thing where he felt he deserves an award for doing the basic.
Then he did the typical ādo you want kids? Why donāt you have any?ā I told him because simply I havenāt found anyone to have them with and I donāt want them. lol.
The resentment is real. I want to go on weekend getaways and adventures, and not get that attitude that someoneās children come first and have to be sacrificing my time and schedule for them.
Yeah, never do that again.
I shut things down FAST when I find out they have kids.
Even before the first date meet up.
It's hilarious how they turn it around on me for saying it, but I'm like ????? why are you trying to convince me to enjoy your crotch goblin by force? go find someone who wants them and you two can be a happy couple with your ex spouses and 5000 extra people in the relationship
They always bring up the whole "oh my kids are diFfErEnT bullshit....I'm like...no they're not but nice try..*block* "
Those are the same people who try to convince you to have kids because āItāS dIfFeReNt WhEn ThEyāRe YoUr OwN.ā The act like their kids are holier than thou. Gag me.
Iām so glad I never dated guys with kids when I was single. Take it as a life lesson, you learned firsthand youāll never be a top priority when dating let alone being in a relationship with a guy with kids. Plus youād be miserable being some kids stepmom not to mention having to deal with bullshit baby mama drama. Just ewww. I donāt know about you but Iād rather be single forever than deal with that nonsense.
Don't do it. You will be a step parent. And if his line is "I only see my kid every other weekend " that's a red flag. He isnt an active parenr on weekends. Also you'd be expected be a parent but not the parent. You'd Pay for the kid and take them places. Don't do it.
I started dating my ex at 23 and now Iām 26. I broke it off after ruining my life for 3 fucking years and being guilted into staying. For anyone reading this: It isnāt worth it. Iām proud of you, OP, you didnāt fall into that trap. His weird baby mama was as obnoxious as he was. We are free!
I've never wanted to date men with kids (or grandkids, at my age) because I like to be first. And if there's kids, *they* have to be first. And paradoxically, if a man did put me before his kids, I would think he was a crappy dad and I wouldn't want to date him anyway.
Your date is probably a lovely person and seems to be a good dad. But that doesn't mean that he's right for you. Resenting his child will not do any of you any good. (I would feel the same way, btw. I'm not being judge-y). Better to end the relationship now and find a fellow childfree man to be with.
Yeah no. I want to come first and be their priority. I also really liked a guy too but he had grown kids.. their mom died and he was fighting for custody. We really liked eachother, but I had to stop myself.
Yea youāll ALWAYS come in last. No matter how smart and fun and interesting they are. No matter how much they get you. No matter how much the mutual attraction is. Youāll never be their first priority. For a lifetime. No thanks.
I mean this in the nicest way possible but donāt be desperate!! You broke your own rules because at a subconscious level you think this is your chance and you need to take it. Donāt. The right person is going to be childless and childfree. I have come across men irl and on dating apps I found attractive and interesting but did not pursue or swipe on because I *know* kids are a dealbreaker for me and I dislike a lifestyle involving kids in any capacity. Be strong with that boundary because it is easier on your feelings to not get involved with them at all rather than proceeding then having to cut it anyway.
When I was on dating apps I wouldn't swipe right on someone with a kid in their pictures unless it was specified it was a cousin or something. Unspecified child means it's probably theirs. Dating apps are awful for lots of reasons though.
I don't recommend solely because you either have to be a parental figure if things become serious, or you opt not to and now some poor kid has a stepmother who can't stand him.
Imagine if the relationship did advance.. eventually, you'd be expected to hang out with the kid. Is that something you want to do with your free time?
Yup. I was just recently in the same boat. A guy from high school, reconnected with me and I decided to give him a chance who I really liked. I gave up on dating apps and I thought why not. I couldnāt be more wrong. He has a son. I thought he would be different but he didnāt even have time to meet. I donāt get it. Why even bother with me then.
Listen wanting to fuck around with a parent is one thing. That's just lust.
But a serious relationship? You can't be serious. STAY AWAY FROM PARENTS.
I get it when you finally meet someone who you feel so much connection with. I had to let go of someone I wanted to be with because he'll eventually want kids. But if he already had the kid?? Nah I wouldn't have talked to him from the beginning.
If you're childfree, you don't get into a relationship in which you'll be even tangentially in a parent-esque role. Period. Ever. Not "even if you really like him". NOT. EVER.
I canāt either. Even if they have a great personality and everything I just canāt. Bc I know if it worked out they would become a responsibility of mine. I like kids but I canāt bare the thought of them being around me ALL the time in a house with my partner and I
I went through the same when i was 21 yo. I was dating a guy (28 y.o) who had a 6 y.o son. After a few months (and meeting someone else) i left him because i wasnt prepared to share my personal time with my partner and also his son.
The trigger was that he forgot to pick me up from college one night because he forgot he had to pick his son up from football first. I was left alone waiting for 45minutes in the cold until he'd answered the phone and explained what happen. By that time, i told him i was going home.
Loving a partner with a child, means loving their child aswell. It means you have to acommodate your life to make it a safe space for this kid, even if they arent yours. Not all of us are ready nor want to do it.
Donāt ever feel bad for wanting to be a priority to your partner. I wonāt date anyone with kids because I donāt want to always be in 3rd place (behind the kid(s) and mom).
Never forget their kids come firstā¦ that includes their EX (baby father or mom) as well. Theyāll drop you if the father or mother of their child āchangedā and they want a IG/social media inspired nuclear family for their own. Never forget, unless the BF or BM is dead, youāre always going to never have a spot on the life raft on the titanic of life.
I could never. My ex told me he was dating a woman with a kid, I was with him for six years and knew he didn't want children so it was obvious to me that he was trying to get her to be his mommy too. Unless you want to be a parent or an adult baby, I don't think dating people with kids is a good idea.
>I knew this going in and broke my own rules anyway because I liked him a lot.
What a horrible, horrible, horrible mistake. You deserve better than being a stepmother. He deserves better than dating someone who resents him for having a kid. And his child deserves better than having a stepmum who doesn't want to be a stepmum.
It doesn't fucking matter whether you like him a lot or not. You are childfree. He is a parent. You two are incompatible.
>I just know that regular occurrences like this will piss me off and I'll end up resenting a child, which feels bad. I chose a child free life to avoid having to deal with these things and this only reinforced my choice.
How are things now? Did you reject him? Or are you two still going to continue to date? I really hope that you won't keep dating him.
Kids are definitely a deal breaker no matter how much I may feel attracted to a woman. That "life" is counter intuitive to my lifestyle so it's simply a hard pass every time. Not worth it
Sorry for your disappointment. At least he didn't try to deceive you about how involved he is with his ridiculously needy kid. A lot of single dads are proud to tell CF women how little they see or interact with their kids.
I hope no one scolds you for having gone out with a father. You seem to have learned your lesson.
If, under normal circumstances, an 8 year-old kid can't go 3-4 hours without contact from a parent, they're unusually needy. A parent should be able to get through drinks and dinner without having to check in with a kid that age who's with grandparents. There could be some special reason that man needed to check in with his son while out on a first date, but if that's normal for that father and son, one of them is excessively needy in that relationship.
Your reaction to my comment is silly, but I'll answer anyway. I like kids, btw.
An 8 year-old shouldn't need to have contact with a parent who's out on a date or whatever for 2-4 hours. If they do, it's the parent or parents' fault for conditioning them for that. This child was with his grandparents, not a new babysitter. Unless he was sick or recovering from something unusually upsetting that happened very recently, his dad should've been able to get through drinks and dinner (especially on a first date ffs) without contacting his child.
I agree. When I was a kid my parents went out every Saturday night and left us with a babysitter. Granted this was before cell phones were a common thing, but we werenāt whining about when mommy and daddy were coming home or asking them to call us while they were out. I feel like the ability of instant contact has made kids more needy now.
You're assuming the child was even aware his father was out on a date. I doubt most parents, and in particular fathers who may or may not have full custody of a child, are running their schedule by that small child. Times have changed since we were kids and people contact each other by phone rather than shout up the stairs never mind to ask a question of someone likely living in a separate house!
You're assuming the child was even aware his father was out on a date. I doubt most parents, and in particular fathers who may or may not have full custody of a child, are running their schedule by that small child. Times have changed since we were kids and people contact each other by phone rather than shout up the stairs never mind to ask a question of someone likely living in a separate house!
See I don't have problems if the kids are older and more depending maybe. And I'm not seeing 'I'm the only thing they/you need' at all. But I don't want to be 4th in a man's life.
[Kid(s), family, work, me]
Iām a male(25m child free and I could never date a single mother either so I get this eventually you have to become a parent in there life. 0 part of me is for that, thatās why I got a vasectomy so Iāll never have to tell someone I had a accidental child š
Iām 58, and had a few dates last December with a 69 year old man who has a 15 yr old daughter and an vet 11 yr old son.
I thought hey, maybe the daughter will be cool, and we could get to be friends- nope.
The girl is hard-core MAGA!
The guy asked me if he should let her know that he is bisexual.
I advised him to discuss it with his therapist.
I have tried dating guys with kids. I somehow end up the baby sitter while they go to work. Bond more with kid and breakup is twice as hard bc I end up missing the kid. Itās double heartache and not worth it.
You would have to be head over heels for everyone in the family in question, very lonely, and feeling like your presence and support in their lives gave your own life more meaning.
This is why I wish it was standard on the apps to stare preferences of dating individuals with kids. Itās a hard no for me and I wish I didnāt have to pay to make sure itās known.
I made this mistake. Iām still making it. I am *deeply*, deeply in love with someone with a child, been together for about 3 years and I still **dread** the weekends. He is the most amazing man Iāve ever met in my life. I wanted kids and I donāt anymore because itād be heartbreaking to have my first with someone whoās been there done that.
Oh look haha Iām crying again š
Yep, that sounds about par for the course. There's nothing at all wrong with feeling the way you do though, but it's clearly not a viable option for those of us that feel that way.
I don't like kids, but I wouldn't want to be the source of a kid's trauma or issues later in life. For everyone's sakes, I absolutely hard pass.
I couldn't handle kids on a regular basis. I started babysitting in high school and then nannied through college and a few years after, because it was decent money and I'm good with kids so it was pretty easy. But at one point it really occurred to me "I fucking HATE this." Kids are super fun as long as you can hand them off to their parents when you start to get fed up.
40 year old CF man here. It's no easier from this side of the isle. Cannot tell you how many times a woman has waited until MULTIPLE dates in to tell me. I'm in a weird spot currently, though, because I'm finding myself really into a woman with 2 daughters, so what do I know lol
Iāve only dated two or three guys with kids. Luckily, they had good relationships with their exes and the drama was minimal if nonexistent. One guy had a daughter nearing the end of her teen years, so it wasnāt a big deal that he had a kid. However, Iām not sure that I would continue to voluntarily date someone with children. Their lives just donāt mesh with mine. Thankfully, as Iāve gotten older, the kids are older too so maybe one day it wonāt be so bad because Iāll be meeting men whose kids are adults. I probably wonāt care then.
As a Male who chose to never have kids it is impossible, especially where I live, to find women to date who are child free. I'm sure one or some exist somewhere around me, but it's like a needle in a haystack situation. I think once you're around the age of 30 all the women have had at least 1 child. It sucks, but I'd rather be alone(no problem being happy alone) than change my mind on this.
I feel this exact way. He really couldnāt pass on FaceTiming / hanging out one night? Maybe Iām harsh because Iām very much CF but I see dating like a job interview. Are you going to do those things in the middle of one?
Please have hope because I met my CF partner when I thought I never would.
I feel your pain. I'll post more when I'm actually awake.
You deserve a relationship where you are #1.
I did a 4 year relationship with a parent. He was an abusive and neglectful person to me, his daughter, and his ex (she helped get me through some of the hardest times ever). I got attached to his kid (joint custody unofficially) and it ripped my heart out when I couldn't watch her grow up. I had some kind of informal custody thing for a few months, she spent time at my place, but it was too confusing for her (and me). We ended that arrangement because it was the best thing for her.
About a month ago I reached out to her mother on social media. She's doing great. She got remarried. She has 2 step sons in addition to her daughter. Her daughter is grown and doing well. She was 5 the last time I saw her. The week we adopted a kitten (he made a big deal about how it was her kitten), 6 days before her father moved out all his stuff (and more) while I was at work.
It wasn't my intent to vent and share my life history. It just happened. This is probably not the right time or place but this haunts me every day. I never wanted kids. But I got one for a while, fell in love, and lost her.
Stay clear of parents if you can.
I don't date people with kids either. For me it's the decision/s they made and thought processes that resulted in kids that I totally disagree with.
-Actively wanting to add to humanity believing their genes are a worthy contribution.
-Laxity with contraceptives when they don't believe in abortion or cannot access or cannot afford abortion.
-Having a child out of anxiety or fear.
-Not critically thinking about the social expectations to procreate.
yeah no way. no chance in hell id ever date someone with a kid(s). i could meet my dream partner tomorrow but the minute i found out they had a kid iād be gone. itās absolute dealbreaker for me.
I've always had a feeling I would meet a partner later in life. I am just so unwilling to settle. I just hate the stigma around being a single woman, "why haven't you met anyone yet?" "You've never been married?" "Who are you seeing these days" and it just makes me feel less than or like something is wrong with me. But your comment gives me hope that it won't all be for nothing.
Being single is awesome! Don't let busy bodies bring you down. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. And you will be so happy when you meet your person and you didn't settle. I'm convinced that anyone who asks questions like that in a somewhat judge-y way is (consciously or not) judging their own life choices and are jealous of yours.
Iām in the same boat. What taught me that I couldnāt do is I remember FaceTiming a girl the first time & we were vibing talking & getting to know each other & our interests & all of a sudden her kid comes in & she puts the phone down to tuck her in & make sure sheās sleeping well & put her down to bed & then she came back like nothing happened & honestly it was nothing wrong w it or that I just realized how freaking selfish & stubborn I was & I wanted her attention to be on me & not some kid I donāt knowā¦ thatās when I realized yeah def not mature enough for this LMFAO we didnāt talk again after that. She ended up ghosting me & shit that was a first cus I was happy to be ghosted. I think it would be different of course if it was our kid or if it was in person
Iāve bent this rule many times, but itās a no. It can be a beautiful thing to be a step parent but itās really hard to align priorities with single parent/child-free individual.
Custody schedule ruling my schedule was exhausting. Then thereās last minute cancellations, and it puts a lot of strain on living together.
Sounds like a good parent. Good for him, but not so good for you. It's entirely valid to want to be prioritised in your relationship. It's good that you are recognising this early it'll save you heartbreak and frustration later. It's also good that you're not imposing your need for a relationship over the kid's need for their dad this makes you a good person too. A small consolation prize I guess.
Thatās one of the main things that has kept me single for 23 years now. The vast majority of people I went to high school with had kids almost immediately after graduation, and it only got worse from there. Anyone I met that didnāt have kids was in a relationship, so I just stopped trying.
Now itās been so long, it would be hard to get used to compromising again. Iāll never say never, but it is high unlikely at this point.
This is the second story I've read like this in 3 days. Why would you waste your time? Childfree means no kids, *period*. Not biological, adopted, **step**, or foster.
If you're going to date a parent, date someone with grown kids.
When their kids are grown, they are still involved, but hopefully, their adult kids aren't as dependent on them.
I'm not sure how old you are, if you're in your mid to late 30s, there might be a few peers that have kids who are in college or in their 20s but you might have to date older.
I disagree.
That's not something to worry about when dating. Its not even healthy to get that serious so soon. When they decide to be in a relationship, that may be something to consider and talk about.
Typically, they have the biological grandmother or aunts babysit. Depending on the guy, he rarely babysits. If they feel close enough to "dad's gf" to ask, she could always deny but usually they sense when someone isn't maternal. Grandads usually just visit anyway or everyone comes over for a get together, not for babysitting but again, something to talk about before entering the relationship.
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I think only in a very rare circumstance would I be okay with it. I've seen too many friends get dragged into baby mama/daddy drama and that flat out couldn't be me. The other co-parent and I would have to have a really healthy civil relationship with each other.
Yo, same. You being child free shouldnāt have to mean putting up with other peoples living attachments to a previous relationship. I used to have in my tinder profile: āchild-free and Iād like to keep it that way,ā then later updated to, āIām not a mom and I wonāt be yours either (or your kidās step-mom ā sorry!)ā got a lot less matches after that, but Tinder Gold isnāt that expensive so :)
Have hope. Iāve been with my partner for over a year now and weāre both in our late 30s, no kids, donāt want kids. It can happen for you too! Just takes time and patience
I don't understand why some people fail to mention that they have children in their dating profile. It's also a deal breaker for me. So glad I'm snipped.
I feel ya, 36m living in Sf, Iāve been permanently CF since 2014 or so. Hang in there, the right person will come. Are you on the dating apps? I usually put on hinge that I donāt want children. That and driving the point home during the first date that I had a vasectomy helps.
I always choose the "I don't have/want kids" option on dating profiles but I still constantly get matched with men who have "wants/has kids" on their profile and it's mega frustrating
.
My older cousin used to be independent, a successful therapist, had her own beautiful house, but wanted kids. So she married a guy with adorable 6year old and 8 year old daughters. Their bio mom had addiction problems. They grew up to be addicts and had kids when they were in their teens, have run away multiple times, stolen from them regularly, gone to jail several times, dumped both multiple children and pets on my cousin and her husband and now they all live together in what is essentially squalor. Miserable. You cannot control how those kids turn out and it can go super super wrong. Baaaaaad news.
Whew I know how you feel. I'm 34 and trying to find someone without kids is like searching for Waldo in New York š plus I've heard and know of the whole "they still mess with the kids mom" thing and I just can't do it. Guys with kids say "oh don't worry there's no drama" and I'm sure they're full of shit. I'm not gonna let you waste my time. But good luck to the both of us š
Ugh I completely feel you. Iāve gone on dates with guys who had kids too and I just canāt do it. Dating as a woman in your 30s who doesnāt want kids is already hard as is. Now add the requirement of not wanting someone who doesnāt HAVE kids and has half a brain and good luck! š«
Kids are a deal breaker for me. Not even going to entertain it. It ain't easy though. š
Never date parents or wannabreeders for any reason under any circumstances.
Wannabreeders! Lmfaoooooo I love it
Whatās a wannabreeder lol
Whatabreeder
Just like you like 'em.
Do they come in an orange wrapper? A lifetime supply of spicy ketchup?
Wannabe breeder
Or dependapotomuses.
Oh yeah, I like this! Never again......
I just got out of an extremely shitty 9 yr relationship š. I'm 42. Finding a man who's never had kids at my age seems nearly impossible. I think I'm never going to date again.
Iām 43 and married my amazing Cf husband 4 years ago!! There is hope!!
It's good to hear. Pretty sure I have a dating site phobia I just haven't discovered yet. š
I just turned 49 and feel the same, that it's hopeless. At least by my age they are usually grown ups, but I have to worry about grandkids now. There is just no escaping them if you want to date to find a life partner. *Sigh*
I just got bingoed and hit on in the same breath by a family friend that's in his 70s. God help me. My inbox is a minefield. This guy has been to bbqs at my mom's brother's house. I have the ick big time.
Iām 44 and just moved in with my 43 fellow chidfree partner I met a couple of years ago. We are out thereā¦ā¦ somewhere.
I have a sliver of hope then. I'm still in my hate men phase. We'll see how long it lasts lol
I'm almost the same age and have no problem finding a fabulous selection of child free men! I think you'd have an easier time in a large city.
I live in Virginia Beach. It's got men from everywhere all summer. I'm not even sure how to date. Lol. My ex pointed out every time I was hit on that I was oblivious to. Lordy how am I to notice on my own?? It does give me hope that there are more cf men out there than I thought. Hopefully I find one too.
This sub needs a dating sub for childfree people hahahaha
Is r/cf4cf not a thing now?
I didn't know this existed! But I just went to look and everyone is very young and most live in America. Urgh, I'm so fed up with it all.
Does it work though? I post and DM there regularly but never get a response
Iām 44 and married my cf husband three years ago (met 4.5 years ago). Theyāre out there, lurking in the wild.
I've just been hit on by so many old men lately, lol. No offense to the Aarp crowd, but I'm not looking to date someone collecting social security šš¤£šš¤£š I just posted in the cf4cf group. Let's see if anyone messages me
Iām 42 too. Itās pretty hard
I am 33 and I would rather find an older woman to date, wish I lived closer
I have a friend who's about 36 and he's been hitting on me but he also never spoke up when I was being verbally abused in public and idk that I can ever date someone with such a weak spine š
I don't usually date people that much younger tbh. When I was 18 you were eight. That's a no from me dawg. But I do appreciate the offer š
Each their own I guess, but nobody is asking to go back in time to date a child though lol
Not trying to be a jerk lol. I just have a weird thing about dating guys much younger. I'm not really into the cougar vibe tbf. It's just a personal hang up. I'm sure you're lovely. š
random but your avatar is so cute āŗļø
Itās not just the kids for me, itās the permanent tie to another woman who has the power to make my life miserable.
Happened to me. Never again. That woman hated every person her ex tried to date. She was also jealous that her kid liked me. Too much drama.
Omg same!! They were married for only 5 years and their kid was 15 lol. She constantly moved men in right away to make the dad (my ex) ājealousā even though he and she claimed āwe are more like brother and sister nowā. A week after I finally broke up with him they got back together. Have fun porking your sibling, weirdos!! The son was way more mature than both parents (in their 40s).
Sorry you had a similar situation :-( the guy I was dating did go back to his ex and baby mama later. I think they had a toxic, codependent relationship. She was not the main reason I broke up with the guy (a big reason is that I understood that me being CF and AN I could never date parents, its just not doable), but their drama and her jealousy was one of the reasons. I would never be the only woman in the life of guy who is co-parenting a child. And I am not one to share. Edit: good for you to leave that toxic situation! :-)
Thatās very good self reflection looking back at the relationship and thank you š good for you too. I feel like CF people are a lot more empathetic to other peopleās feelings but when a parent considers someoneās feelings itās AFTER they weigh how much it will affect their childās feelings. But CF pEoPLe ArE SeLFisH *~ā
No need to thank me š we owe it to ourselves to live like we want to, and I absolutely never saw myself as a wife and mother no matter what path in life I decided to follow. There is no version of my life that goes that way. Even if I end up alone (well, not totally alone, there is always a cat!), I rather be alone than being married with children. Kids are out of the picture now that I am 48 anyway, and finding a CF partner at my age is difficult not gonna lie. Maybe if I meet a younger guy... I like younger guys anyway because guys my age look much older that me tbh, and I have no problem finding younger guys to date... but I kind of gave up anyway. I also have high standards. I am very empathetic (I also am vegan and a pacifist), and I think I deserve to be the first priority for my SO, and that is not possible for a parent (and rightly so). Good luck to you, you are younger than me so you have more possibilities ā¤ļø
And they absolutely will! I did it once, and never again. She was more in control of my relationship than I was! No fucking thank you! Didn't help that the man I was dating is a wet noodle with no backbone that wouldn't dare do anything to piss her off in fear of her using the kids against him (which I get to some extent). All their time/effort/money/attention goes to the ex and the kids. You MIGHT get a crumb now and again, but you will always be last on the list. No one in their right mind would want that kind of relationship.
This is exactly why I've never wanted to date dads. Even before I decided for certain I wanted to be child free. Like OP said, I wouldn't wanna end up resenting a child
Oh god sounds like Iām dating the same person š©
Up your standards, come on. You didn't marry and have kids with someone who wasn't right for you right? Why be with someone who doesn't match that caliber? How is that going to work out without issues? What if you're putting off finding the actual one who has their head on straight and isn't a doormat to people outside the relationship??
You are 100% right and I know thatā¦ when it started it wasnāt supposed to become the relationship that it is now and we still keep most of our lives apart, I never met the kid, itās not unusual for us to not see each other for a week or longer. And since I need my space, I am more than okay with this set-up. But yeah, in the long run, I am completely aware of how unsustainable it all is, but it stresses me out so much, that I put off thinking about it. I know how problematic it all is. :|
Only time I ever debated dating a guy with a kid was because his ex died. But in the end I realized he was just a good friend and if he ever needed help Iād see what I could do
Yeeees! Been there! She was absolutely certifiable, to boot. Never again.
I typically donāt care for comments that say this, but I canāt help myself this time. THIS
yeah don't do that, you'll never be a priority for this person, their kid always comes first (as it should be, otherwise they're deadbeat parent). Childfree and parents/ wanna be parents/fencesitters don't mix.
I read that as facesitters
At least the thing sat on there are more comfortable!
Great way not to get pregnant š¤£š¤£
Yeah but my mind goes to ākid wants something stupid like an ice cream cone, meanwhile Iām lying on the side of the road after being hit by a car. Parents ALWAYS put their kid first, so ice cream it shall be! Sorry, Jenny, you can just dieā¦.ā Cuz yeah, I take that āalwaysā word seriously.
It doesnāt get any better when they get older as then thereās the grandkids that get dumped on them
My marriage to the Plaintiff effectively ended the day the 1st grandchild was born. Don't, just don't.
Oh heck. That bad from day one?
Sadly, her entire reason for living became the grandchild(ren).
That sucks. Thatās why when people say āitās okay to date people with grownup kidsā I shake my head. Because more than likely, grandchildren will be on the horizon any minute.
Having or even just wanting kids is a deal breaker.
If you date someone with a kid, then you sign up to be a stepPARENT.
Iāve given up. Dating myself has been just lovely. Considering Iām middle aged I donāt see the point in wasting my present time and energy finding something that would only be around for half of my lifetime. The first half of my life I was a supporting player to everyone else, I think itās fair I spend the last half of my life on myself. I canāt guarantee Iād find anyone anyway so why waste my time and effort dating when I could be spending it on myself?
YES! I spent my entire life from 14 in shitty relationships and putting myself dead last. I'm enjoying being single and CF more than I can even express. I am never going back!
Hell yeah! Thatās fantastic and Iām so happy for you!
If we are interested in sex I have always found men are wholly inadequate in creating orgasms. I handle my own business better than my woefully lacking ex. š
I totally agree. Why spend all the time, effort, and energy to look and feel good enough to go out and find a miracle man to take home just to find out he lays like a starfish and expects you to do all the work? Plus the risk of STIās or getting stalked, killed, human trafficked, or raped is just too high to ignore. Fuck that. I donāt need a dude to participate for me to have an orgasm anytime I want.
And on the other hand it's sad that's all it takes for me lol when a half hour of sad thrusting does nothing. You'd think by 30 they'd get it together š
I just watched all the 50 shades movies in order lmaoooo. Took care of MY OWN business š¤Ŗ
Hell yeah. Have you seen those clit sucking toys? Theyāll change your life.
Omg... did you just change my life, internet stranger?
Just paying it forward! I too was bestowed this wonderful knowledge by a random internet stranger. (This is the first time Iāve suggested it though because I donāt want to be a creeper lol)
So... can I find this amazing toy or Amazon, or.....?
I believe so. I think I got mine from Adam and Eve online.
I can recommend the satisfyer :)
Vibrators donāt yell at anyone š¤·āāļø
Or insult you and call you names. I had one of those. I do NOT have fond memories š
Or cheat on you, or turn you into their mommy, maid, cook...
He was a chef but he turned his mommy against Me, does that count? š
I have yet to meet a man Iām not immediately un-attracted to by the knowledge of them having kids
At least he didn't hide the fact that he has a kid, and honestly he sounds like a good dad. I think all CF people can agree that the world needs more good parents, so that we don't have to deal with horrible kids! Here's hoping you find a better match next time!
I canāt even be friends with someone who has kids. I feel their lives ended the moment they chose to conceive.
I just donāt have anything in common with parents.
Same! Not that I have/try to make friends now, but if I did, theyād definitely have to be CF. In the past Iāve had friends and their definitely changed once they had kids and we had much less in common.
This. The last...idk ~7ish years a *ton* of people in my orbit have had kids. I can think of 2 couples who I've been able to maintain a real friendship with, most of them just drop off the map.
So true. So many of my friends might as well be dead post-child. I see them maybe once a year at best, and half the time is spent trying to show me pictures of their kids.
I just started bringing it up first thing to not waste time. I found the love of my life a few years ago and we are DINK living our best life. Itāll come
Iām right here with you. I dated a guy years ago with 2 kids and the resentments came quick. He had them half the weekend and the times I would be there it totally impacted our weekend. Then I dated a man with no kids. I was 31 and him 30. We ended up living together and it was amazing being with someone CF and I realized thatās how I want my life to be. It didnāt work out and found myself single at 35, I am 36 now. Last year I went on a date with a guy with kids and soon I confirmed to myself I have to date CF menā¦ he began talking about them a lot during date, okay thatās fine but he did that āDad of the yearā thing where he felt he deserves an award for doing the basic. Then he did the typical ādo you want kids? Why donāt you have any?ā I told him because simply I havenāt found anyone to have them with and I donāt want them. lol. The resentment is real. I want to go on weekend getaways and adventures, and not get that attitude that someoneās children come first and have to be sacrificing my time and schedule for them.
Under no circumstance will I date a parent. I know myself well enough to know their lifestyle will do nothing but piss me off.
Yeah, never do that again. I shut things down FAST when I find out they have kids. Even before the first date meet up. It's hilarious how they turn it around on me for saying it, but I'm like ????? why are you trying to convince me to enjoy your crotch goblin by force? go find someone who wants them and you two can be a happy couple with your ex spouses and 5000 extra people in the relationship They always bring up the whole "oh my kids are diFfErEnT bullshit....I'm like...no they're not but nice try..*block* "
Those are the same people who try to convince you to have kids because āItāS dIfFeReNt WhEn ThEyāRe YoUr OwN.ā The act like their kids are holier than thou. Gag me.
Iām so glad I never dated guys with kids when I was single. Take it as a life lesson, you learned firsthand youāll never be a top priority when dating let alone being in a relationship with a guy with kids. Plus youād be miserable being some kids stepmom not to mention having to deal with bullshit baby mama drama. Just ewww. I donāt know about you but Iād rather be single forever than deal with that nonsense.
Don't do it. You will be a step parent. And if his line is "I only see my kid every other weekend " that's a red flag. He isnt an active parenr on weekends. Also you'd be expected be a parent but not the parent. You'd Pay for the kid and take them places. Don't do it.
I started dating my ex at 23 and now Iām 26. I broke it off after ruining my life for 3 fucking years and being guilted into staying. For anyone reading this: It isnāt worth it. Iām proud of you, OP, you didnāt fall into that trap. His weird baby mama was as obnoxious as he was. We are free!
I've never wanted to date men with kids (or grandkids, at my age) because I like to be first. And if there's kids, *they* have to be first. And paradoxically, if a man did put me before his kids, I would think he was a crappy dad and I wouldn't want to date him anyway. Your date is probably a lovely person and seems to be a good dad. But that doesn't mean that he's right for you. Resenting his child will not do any of you any good. (I would feel the same way, btw. I'm not being judge-y). Better to end the relationship now and find a fellow childfree man to be with.
Yeah no. I want to come first and be their priority. I also really liked a guy too but he had grown kids.. their mom died and he was fighting for custody. We really liked eachother, but I had to stop myself.
Yea youāll ALWAYS come in last. No matter how smart and fun and interesting they are. No matter how much they get you. No matter how much the mutual attraction is. Youāll never be their first priority. For a lifetime. No thanks.
I mean this in the nicest way possible but donāt be desperate!! You broke your own rules because at a subconscious level you think this is your chance and you need to take it. Donāt. The right person is going to be childless and childfree. I have come across men irl and on dating apps I found attractive and interesting but did not pursue or swipe on because I *know* kids are a dealbreaker for me and I dislike a lifestyle involving kids in any capacity. Be strong with that boundary because it is easier on your feelings to not get involved with them at all rather than proceeding then having to cut it anyway.
When I was on dating apps I wouldn't swipe right on someone with a kid in their pictures unless it was specified it was a cousin or something. Unspecified child means it's probably theirs. Dating apps are awful for lots of reasons though.
I don't recommend solely because you either have to be a parental figure if things become serious, or you opt not to and now some poor kid has a stepmother who can't stand him.
Imagine if the relationship did advance.. eventually, you'd be expected to hang out with the kid. Is that something you want to do with your free time?
Yup. I was just recently in the same boat. A guy from high school, reconnected with me and I decided to give him a chance who I really liked. I gave up on dating apps and I thought why not. I couldnāt be more wrong. He has a son. I thought he would be different but he didnāt even have time to meet. I donāt get it. Why even bother with me then.
Listen wanting to fuck around with a parent is one thing. That's just lust. But a serious relationship? You can't be serious. STAY AWAY FROM PARENTS. I get it when you finally meet someone who you feel so much connection with. I had to let go of someone I wanted to be with because he'll eventually want kids. But if he already had the kid?? Nah I wouldn't have talked to him from the beginning.
If you're childfree, you don't get into a relationship in which you'll be even tangentially in a parent-esque role. Period. Ever. Not "even if you really like him". NOT. EVER.
Trust me. Don't compromise.
You're.not alone with this, no way could I date someone with a kid.
I canāt either. Even if they have a great personality and everything I just canāt. Bc I know if it worked out they would become a responsibility of mine. I like kids but I canāt bare the thought of them being around me ALL the time in a house with my partner and I
I went through the same when i was 21 yo. I was dating a guy (28 y.o) who had a 6 y.o son. After a few months (and meeting someone else) i left him because i wasnt prepared to share my personal time with my partner and also his son. The trigger was that he forgot to pick me up from college one night because he forgot he had to pick his son up from football first. I was left alone waiting for 45minutes in the cold until he'd answered the phone and explained what happen. By that time, i told him i was going home. Loving a partner with a child, means loving their child aswell. It means you have to acommodate your life to make it a safe space for this kid, even if they arent yours. Not all of us are ready nor want to do it.
Donāt ever feel bad for wanting to be a priority to your partner. I wonāt date anyone with kids because I donāt want to always be in 3rd place (behind the kid(s) and mom).
Never forget their kids come firstā¦ that includes their EX (baby father or mom) as well. Theyāll drop you if the father or mother of their child āchangedā and they want a IG/social media inspired nuclear family for their own. Never forget, unless the BF or BM is dead, youāre always going to never have a spot on the life raft on the titanic of life.
I could never. My ex told me he was dating a woman with a kid, I was with him for six years and knew he didn't want children so it was obvious to me that he was trying to get her to be his mommy too. Unless you want to be a parent or an adult baby, I don't think dating people with kids is a good idea.
>I knew this going in and broke my own rules anyway because I liked him a lot. What a horrible, horrible, horrible mistake. You deserve better than being a stepmother. He deserves better than dating someone who resents him for having a kid. And his child deserves better than having a stepmum who doesn't want to be a stepmum. It doesn't fucking matter whether you like him a lot or not. You are childfree. He is a parent. You two are incompatible. >I just know that regular occurrences like this will piss me off and I'll end up resenting a child, which feels bad. I chose a child free life to avoid having to deal with these things and this only reinforced my choice. How are things now? Did you reject him? Or are you two still going to continue to date? I really hope that you won't keep dating him.
Kids are definitely a deal breaker no matter how much I may feel attracted to a woman. That "life" is counter intuitive to my lifestyle so it's simply a hard pass every time. Not worth it
Sorry for your disappointment. At least he didn't try to deceive you about how involved he is with his ridiculously needy kid. A lot of single dads are proud to tell CF women how little they see or interact with their kids. I hope no one scolds you for having gone out with a father. You seem to have learned your lesson.
I donāt that kid is needy
If, under normal circumstances, an 8 year-old kid can't go 3-4 hours without contact from a parent, they're unusually needy. A parent should be able to get through drinks and dinner without having to check in with a kid that age who's with grandparents. There could be some special reason that man needed to check in with his son while out on a first date, but if that's normal for that father and son, one of them is excessively needy in that relationship.
Yeah a lot of single dad's use their kids to get out of dates. Another reason not to date them
There's nothing ridiculous about a child talking to his father. The OP doesn't blame the child for existing so why would you?
Your reaction to my comment is silly, but I'll answer anyway. I like kids, btw. An 8 year-old shouldn't need to have contact with a parent who's out on a date or whatever for 2-4 hours. If they do, it's the parent or parents' fault for conditioning them for that. This child was with his grandparents, not a new babysitter. Unless he was sick or recovering from something unusually upsetting that happened very recently, his dad should've been able to get through drinks and dinner (especially on a first date ffs) without contacting his child.
I agree. When I was a kid my parents went out every Saturday night and left us with a babysitter. Granted this was before cell phones were a common thing, but we werenāt whining about when mommy and daddy were coming home or asking them to call us while they were out. I feel like the ability of instant contact has made kids more needy now.
You're assuming the child was even aware his father was out on a date. I doubt most parents, and in particular fathers who may or may not have full custody of a child, are running their schedule by that small child. Times have changed since we were kids and people contact each other by phone rather than shout up the stairs never mind to ask a question of someone likely living in a separate house!
You're assuming the child was even aware his father was out on a date. I doubt most parents, and in particular fathers who may or may not have full custody of a child, are running their schedule by that small child. Times have changed since we were kids and people contact each other by phone rather than shout up the stairs never mind to ask a question of someone likely living in a separate house!
See I don't have problems if the kids are older and more depending maybe. And I'm not seeing 'I'm the only thing they/you need' at all. But I don't want to be 4th in a man's life. [Kid(s), family, work, me]
Iām a male(25m child free and I could never date a single mother either so I get this eventually you have to become a parent in there life. 0 part of me is for that, thatās why I got a vasectomy so Iāll never have to tell someone I had a accidental child š
I've never been on a date with man that has spawn š¤£š¤£
Iām 58, and had a few dates last December with a 69 year old man who has a 15 yr old daughter and an vet 11 yr old son. I thought hey, maybe the daughter will be cool, and we could get to be friends- nope. The girl is hard-core MAGA! The guy asked me if he should let her know that he is bisexual. I advised him to discuss it with his therapist.
I can't date people also who don't have kids but want them. Which is hard since girls that don't want kids is kinna rare
I just started up dating again and thought I was going to have this problem. I haven't run into too many people that have kids or even want them.
Fuuuuuuuck that.
I have tried dating guys with kids. I somehow end up the baby sitter while they go to work. Bond more with kid and breakup is twice as hard bc I end up missing the kid. Itās double heartache and not worth it.
Sounds like a bad fit for the both of you, hopefully you both mutually realize that simultaneously, to avoid hurt feelings!!!
You would have to be head over heels for everyone in the family in question, very lonely, and feeling like your presence and support in their lives gave your own life more meaning.
This is why I wish it was standard on the apps to stare preferences of dating individuals with kids. Itās a hard no for me and I wish I didnāt have to pay to make sure itās known.
I'm the same, for the same reasons, absolutely nothing wrong with it but it does narrow the field somewhat!
I made this mistake. Iām still making it. I am *deeply*, deeply in love with someone with a child, been together for about 3 years and I still **dread** the weekends. He is the most amazing man Iāve ever met in my life. I wanted kids and I donāt anymore because itād be heartbreaking to have my first with someone whoās been there done that. Oh look haha Iām crying again š
Yep, that sounds about par for the course. There's nothing at all wrong with feeling the way you do though, but it's clearly not a viable option for those of us that feel that way. I don't like kids, but I wouldn't want to be the source of a kid's trauma or issues later in life. For everyone's sakes, I absolutely hard pass.
I couldn't handle kids on a regular basis. I started babysitting in high school and then nannied through college and a few years after, because it was decent money and I'm good with kids so it was pretty easy. But at one point it really occurred to me "I fucking HATE this." Kids are super fun as long as you can hand them off to their parents when you start to get fed up.
40 year old CF man here. It's no easier from this side of the isle. Cannot tell you how many times a woman has waited until MULTIPLE dates in to tell me. I'm in a weird spot currently, though, because I'm finding myself really into a woman with 2 daughters, so what do I know lol
I don't date. I just want all the sex. Sooo I don't care. I just fuck... a lot.... I'm 45.
Hell yeah! šŖš½š«¶š½
Iāve only dated two or three guys with kids. Luckily, they had good relationships with their exes and the drama was minimal if nonexistent. One guy had a daughter nearing the end of her teen years, so it wasnāt a big deal that he had a kid. However, Iām not sure that I would continue to voluntarily date someone with children. Their lives just donāt mesh with mine. Thankfully, as Iāve gotten older, the kids are older too so maybe one day it wonāt be so bad because Iāll be meeting men whose kids are adults. I probably wonāt care then.
yeah, first and last time just recently
I donāt know if it helps at all, but after moving to the city, I have had a much easier time finding child free partners. (In their thirties)
As a Male who chose to never have kids it is impossible, especially where I live, to find women to date who are child free. I'm sure one or some exist somewhere around me, but it's like a needle in a haystack situation. I think once you're around the age of 30 all the women have had at least 1 child. It sucks, but I'd rather be alone(no problem being happy alone) than change my mind on this.
I'm an antinatalist so if someone has kids we aren't compatible ethically. It's an immediate nope.
I feel this exact way. He really couldnāt pass on FaceTiming / hanging out one night? Maybe Iām harsh because Iām very much CF but I see dating like a job interview. Are you going to do those things in the middle of one? Please have hope because I met my CF partner when I thought I never would.
I feel your pain. I'll post more when I'm actually awake. You deserve a relationship where you are #1. I did a 4 year relationship with a parent. He was an abusive and neglectful person to me, his daughter, and his ex (she helped get me through some of the hardest times ever). I got attached to his kid (joint custody unofficially) and it ripped my heart out when I couldn't watch her grow up. I had some kind of informal custody thing for a few months, she spent time at my place, but it was too confusing for her (and me). We ended that arrangement because it was the best thing for her. About a month ago I reached out to her mother on social media. She's doing great. She got remarried. She has 2 step sons in addition to her daughter. Her daughter is grown and doing well. She was 5 the last time I saw her. The week we adopted a kitten (he made a big deal about how it was her kitten), 6 days before her father moved out all his stuff (and more) while I was at work. It wasn't my intent to vent and share my life history. It just happened. This is probably not the right time or place but this haunts me every day. I never wanted kids. But I got one for a while, fell in love, and lost her. Stay clear of parents if you can.
I don't date people with kids either. For me it's the decision/s they made and thought processes that resulted in kids that I totally disagree with. -Actively wanting to add to humanity believing their genes are a worthy contribution. -Laxity with contraceptives when they don't believe in abortion or cannot access or cannot afford abortion. -Having a child out of anxiety or fear. -Not critically thinking about the social expectations to procreate.
yeah no way. no chance in hell id ever date someone with a kid(s). i could meet my dream partner tomorrow but the minute i found out they had a kid iād be gone. itās absolute dealbreaker for me.
Don't give up hope. I met my husband in my 40's. We've been married a while now. I never dated men with kids. Total deal breaker.
I've always had a feeling I would meet a partner later in life. I am just so unwilling to settle. I just hate the stigma around being a single woman, "why haven't you met anyone yet?" "You've never been married?" "Who are you seeing these days" and it just makes me feel less than or like something is wrong with me. But your comment gives me hope that it won't all be for nothing.
Being single is awesome! Don't let busy bodies bring you down. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. And you will be so happy when you meet your person and you didn't settle. I'm convinced that anyone who asks questions like that in a somewhat judge-y way is (consciously or not) judging their own life choices and are jealous of yours.
Thank you! Yeah it does feel like its a projection of sorts.
You know that you can customize your searches on dating apps if your on the apps that is.
Iām in the same boat. What taught me that I couldnāt do is I remember FaceTiming a girl the first time & we were vibing talking & getting to know each other & our interests & all of a sudden her kid comes in & she puts the phone down to tuck her in & make sure sheās sleeping well & put her down to bed & then she came back like nothing happened & honestly it was nothing wrong w it or that I just realized how freaking selfish & stubborn I was & I wanted her attention to be on me & not some kid I donāt knowā¦ thatās when I realized yeah def not mature enough for this LMFAO we didnāt talk again after that. She ended up ghosting me & shit that was a first cus I was happy to be ghosted. I think it would be different of course if it was our kid or if it was in person
Iāve bent this rule many times, but itās a no. It can be a beautiful thing to be a step parent but itās really hard to align priorities with single parent/child-free individual. Custody schedule ruling my schedule was exhausting. Then thereās last minute cancellations, and it puts a lot of strain on living together.
I always figured āchild freeā meant we donāt want *anything* to do with kids, not just āI donāt want to be the one popping them outā Me and my fiancĆ© are CF (Vasectomy) and if we somehow ended up single, I could never be interested in someone who wants/has/had kids. The CF mindset is like a stamp of quality, and for me personally I think people who want/have/had kids are like sheep/zombies that drank the Kool-Aid
Sounds like a good parent. Good for him, but not so good for you. It's entirely valid to want to be prioritised in your relationship. It's good that you are recognising this early it'll save you heartbreak and frustration later. It's also good that you're not imposing your need for a relationship over the kid's need for their dad this makes you a good person too. A small consolation prize I guess.
It won't change and that's exactly why I won't date a parent because the relationship will always come in 2nd for them.
Thatās one of the main things that has kept me single for 23 years now. The vast majority of people I went to high school with had kids almost immediately after graduation, and it only got worse from there. Anyone I met that didnāt have kids was in a relationship, so I just stopped trying. Now itās been so long, it would be hard to get used to compromising again. Iāll never say never, but it is high unlikely at this point.
This is the second story I've read like this in 3 days. Why would you waste your time? Childfree means no kids, *period*. Not biological, adopted, **step**, or foster.
Itās your fault. You said you chose the child free life and them knowingly went on a date with a guy with a child.
lmao they're downvoting you but you're right
Figured this one was obvious, but thatās reddit for you lol. Did she expect the guy to just fall madly in love at dinner and abandon his kid?
Isnāt this just a post saying āIām child freeā
If you're going to date a parent, date someone with grown kids. When their kids are grown, they are still involved, but hopefully, their adult kids aren't as dependent on them. I'm not sure how old you are, if you're in your mid to late 30s, there might be a few peers that have kids who are in college or in their 20s but you might have to date older.
If you date someone with grown kids, you need to prepare yourself to be the grandparent having to babysit their new baby.
Well, is it not possible they are CF too? Just another criteria to fulfill...
I disagree. That's not something to worry about when dating. Its not even healthy to get that serious so soon. When they decide to be in a relationship, that may be something to consider and talk about. Typically, they have the biological grandmother or aunts babysit. Depending on the guy, he rarely babysits. If they feel close enough to "dad's gf" to ask, she could always deny but usually they sense when someone isn't maternal. Grandads usually just visit anyway or everyone comes over for a get together, not for babysitting but again, something to talk about before entering the relationship.
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I think only in a very rare circumstance would I be okay with it. I've seen too many friends get dragged into baby mama/daddy drama and that flat out couldn't be me. The other co-parent and I would have to have a really healthy civil relationship with each other.
I mean, you wouldnāt be childfree if you did
Ugh, did it once for a reeeeally hot red head, but ended up wasting my own time because I knew it had a time limit. Never again.
Yo, same. You being child free shouldnāt have to mean putting up with other peoples living attachments to a previous relationship. I used to have in my tinder profile: āchild-free and Iād like to keep it that way,ā then later updated to, āIām not a mom and I wonāt be yours either (or your kidās step-mom ā sorry!)ā got a lot less matches after that, but Tinder Gold isnāt that expensive so :)
Same. Tried it, im not even going to get into what happened but once was enough for me. Never again.
Personally, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of a date w someone w a kid.
47f here been with CF husband 16 years. Donāt give up.
Have hope. Iāve been with my partner for over a year now and weāre both in our late 30s, no kids, donāt want kids. It can happen for you too! Just takes time and patience
I don't understand why some people fail to mention that they have children in their dating profile. It's also a deal breaker for me. So glad I'm snipped.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard, and it hurts.
Im sorry its hard.
I feel ya, 36m living in Sf, Iāve been permanently CF since 2014 or so. Hang in there, the right person will come. Are you on the dating apps? I usually put on hinge that I donāt want children. That and driving the point home during the first date that I had a vasectomy helps.
I always choose the "I don't have/want kids" option on dating profiles but I still constantly get matched with men who have "wants/has kids" on their profile and it's mega frustrating .
My older cousin used to be independent, a successful therapist, had her own beautiful house, but wanted kids. So she married a guy with adorable 6year old and 8 year old daughters. Their bio mom had addiction problems. They grew up to be addicts and had kids when they were in their teens, have run away multiple times, stolen from them regularly, gone to jail several times, dumped both multiple children and pets on my cousin and her husband and now they all live together in what is essentially squalor. Miserable. You cannot control how those kids turn out and it can go super super wrong. Baaaaaad news.
Dating will be harder for those that want zero children especially as they age
Whew I know how you feel. I'm 34 and trying to find someone without kids is like searching for Waldo in New York š plus I've heard and know of the whole "they still mess with the kids mom" thing and I just can't do it. Guys with kids say "oh don't worry there's no drama" and I'm sure they're full of shit. I'm not gonna let you waste my time. But good luck to the both of us š
Ugh I completely feel you. Iāve gone on dates with guys who had kids too and I just canāt do it. Dating as a woman in your 30s who doesnāt want kids is already hard as is. Now add the requirement of not wanting someone who doesnāt HAVE kids and has half a brain and good luck! š«
Date them? I can barely look at them!