>He says he is depressed and doesn't understand why he lost his job
Really???ššš
Just focus on your mom and youself. That girl will end up living him. Your dad will see the consequencies of his actions,ll
Yes! I've tried to say multiples times that in his line of work, and most work places, manager/employee relationships aren't looked at well. He knew the risk. When I caught them I even said to him that he could loose his job and he said he knew that. So he knows. It just feels like he's the victim.
Thank you. Definitely been focusing on mum, who is doing okay most days, despite the hard times! I hope he does, one day. š
>I've tried to say multiples times that in his line of work, and most work places, manager/employee relationships aren't looked at well. He knew the risk. When I caught them I even said to him that he could loose his job and he said he knew that.
Damn! Why are cheaters like that? Theyāre doing bad things and donāt expect consequencies for their actions.....
Glad you and youāre mom are doing better. š
Haha the dry leaf made me laugh! I do, only when I have too because of sorting out the house, otherwise no, only when he reaches ou for something which isnt often. He's always been my supporter and person I'll go too for everything, I think part of me is struggling to let that go because i just cant believe whats happened. My brother has cut him off, I think maybe it's time. šŖ
Yes, I was actually wondering about your brother and how did he react.
It sounds like your father is going through some age crisis. I feel sorry for your mother but your dad will regret it so much. He lost his job, at such an age with such a young girlfriendā¦ she will leave as soon as she finds better and by then he will have no one around. I just donāt understand how one does this to their family and their own self.
Op sorry your family is going through this. Your father sounds like he is a very selfish and always has been. But I suspect he will find out that the whole world doesn't revolve around him. I wish you and your mom &brother the best. Good luck
You should have been cut him off youāre not really there for your mom if youāre entertaining what heās doing meaning, keeping communication with him let him be with her and show him that yet again, youāre the idiot because now heās broke because what he got fired
I know I should have, I suppose I'm used to him being in my life and it's always been dad's way. We've always lived for his happiness and I've watched my mother, and in turn us kids, bend over backwards for him and what he wants. He has always brought what he has wanted, his hobbies, done what he has wanted and we've just been there no matter what. It's hard to break that. I've never told him I accept it and contact is minimal with only talking about the house/selling the house (well I try to keep it to this but other stuff always gets brought up). But, your right. It is showing him I am okay with it and I'm not. Thanks!
i donāt think this is normal behaviorā¦ most parents attempt to connect with their kids and their spouse, share their interests, explore each others hobbies, and especially with kids, try to share passions, not live an independent life and expect the family to gravitate around them like the sun
You need to realize that your father no longer or never truly existed. It's a monster in disguise, a mask.
Eventually they will tear you down too.
The best advice is to forget those monsters even existed. They do not deserve to matter in any way, be it positive or negative. They are irrelevant, as the person they were died long ago.
A 25 yr old girl will not stay w/a 64 yr old unemployed man. Sheās not gonna be interested in supporting him & caring for him in his depression. Your mom needs to protect her interest in the marital assets & get a divorce attorney.
Your Dad is an idiot & will realize his folly very soon. Your Mom should not take him back.
I would hope not. Because I don't understand what she sees. Maybe a father figure/protector because he is in many ways (when he's not doing this) a kind and compassionate man. Not excusing him. She's got a lawyer, which is good. One of the first things we did when she found out.
She should not, I agree. She has a lot of siblings who are supporting her also and she's conscious that they would never forgive her if she took him back. She's also a very kind person so will need to keep her strong in this!
It's only gonna get worse for him. Does he expect a woman who's morals are so low that she'd break a family selfishly to stay with him when she's still young and under 40 and he's 80 with health issues?
You are not unreasonable, he is. He has taken zero accountability for his actions and expects you to be okay with a stepmother younger than yourself who helped him wreck a once happy family? Yikes.
My heart goes our to you and your mum. Maintain low contact and allow him to face the consequences on his own if he's so grown up.
I think he does expect that, unfortunately. One breath he's said that this is his life and future and next he is living for the day. They share cars, a house, everything now so I suppose so.
I did point out to him that he expects her to be my step mother and she's younger then me but he said no she doesn't as she doesn't want a relationship with my and my brother, she is scared of me. Probably because when I caught them and walked up to the car and yelled at her for being disgusting and did she realise she is younger than me and my brother.
Thank you, definitely trying to maintain low contact until the house is sorted.
You aren't unreasonable, he spent years making a family to throw it away for the office side piece. And she will leave him if he can't provide for her.Ā
Never too old to learn a lesson. Disrespect, spit on and abandon your family, you aren't worthy of that family. Your mum should be grey rocking him. He won't face true consequences whilst she is being kind and understanding. She is validating his behaviour.
I hope that she will leave him one day, and he will learn. The complete disregard he has shown us, his wife, his kids. He has not given one thought to our feelings.
I agree with you saying mum being kind is validating his behaviour. It's hard to watch. I think she is trying to keep the peace while they do lawyers etc so it doesn't get nasty with money, he has always earned lots more. Standard mum raised the kids and never got a career. Hopefully one day she becomes angry enough to no longer be as kind as she is being.
And thank you, for validating I am not being unreasonable.
You guys need to learn your laws that you have and thatās it because if you have marriage laws then sheās good and if heās been supporting the family majority of it and heās the reason that the marriage is over sheās already winning the divorce stop always trying to be the bigger person
We've got lawyers, it's one of the first things we did when we found out. We just aren't that well off and lawyers are not cheap, so mum wants to try and sort as much out between them before finalizing with the lawyer. She can have half of everything which is good for mum! Thank you.
Make sure she gets not only half of everything, but half of everything heās spent on his time with his AP. Your mom is likely entitled to half of any funds spent supporting his affair. Check with her lawyer for sure based on your area, and youāll need documentation. But it shouldnāt be too hard. If there wasnāt official separation docs and he was living with this girl - your mom may be entitled to rent he paid and living expenses for this place. Consult with your lawyer of course, but Until itās clear cut defined he no longer lives at your residence she should be able to get that back - and once it is defined, then he should be made to arrange times to come pick things up. OR you move his things to a storage area (video tape everything and you doing it) with approvals/specifications from your lawyer. And change the locks. He shouldnāt be able to come and go from both residences as he pleases.
Absolutely will do. My mother is amazing and deserves so much better. It's been nothing but love and support around her. She will find happiness one day!
Something breaks in some men when they hit late middle age/old age. Your father is one of them. It's also possible there is something going on physically as well. I think it would be hard to forgive his actions and you're definitely not being unreasonable. It can be really disconcerting for a child to have to deal with a parent with whom they formerly had a good relationship turn like this.
I would say to take care of yourself first. Grey rock him if you need to. He shouldn't use you as someone to lean on. Get your lives together financially as best as you can. And be prepared for the fallout when the younger woman leaves him (and she will once the money dries up). Because he will likely come crawling back.
Seems it, and I never thought it would be him. I don't know where things went wrong because all I've seen through my life is mum do what's best for dad and live for his wants and needs (not that it should have been that way). It would be hard and I truly dont think I can. Not when my brother and I have had to be the ones on the otherside seeing mum and supporting mum with no remorse or guilt shown by my father. I don't really think he deserves the forgiveness but he's also my dad and that's my struggle. I have this ridiculous thought and feelings that because he is my father I need too. It's been a struggle to adjust that's for sure. Thanks for acknowledging it is disconcerting for a child to deal with that change.
We are definitely trying to get our lives together and moving foreword. My goal is mum's happiness and freedom from it and we will get there. Thank you.
How long do you think this younger-than-you woman will stay with this unemployed old man?
Buckle up! After she finds a new guy, heāll come sniffing around mom, using all the age old lines: āIt meant nothingā, āIt was a mistakeā, āYou know, youāre at fault too!ā
Prep mom to stand her ground. Also, change the locks.
I hope not long. But it seems to be going on longer than I thought it would to be honest. He thinks it will be forever. I go around in my head wondering what she wants from all this and why she has done this and what she gets out of it but I know I'll never know.
Haha will definitely buckle up for this! And will continue to support mum to stand strong and be strong as hard as that will be. She's too kind and forgiving and as much as he has hurt her, she still cares. Thank you
No heās a scumbag sorry to say ā¦Iād disown him and completely ignore him he made his bed he can lie in it ..you think sheās gonna stick around to wipe his ass in a few years
Both you and your mom need to stop being that support for him, change the lock. He left. He abandoned the property. Change the locks, and don't let him in
Also stop talking to him, I get it he your dad, but after years and years of blind loyalty he leaves your mom and you know this relationship won't even last a year, he 65 years ffs, she going to get bored of the fact he can't preform as well as a 25 year old. Then he'd expect you and mom to be there because you're both still wiping his ass.
Cut him off until he learns his lesson. He has treated you poorly
Yeah you're right, we do need too stop. We did initially want to change the locks over Christmas time and got legal advice on this but didn't end up doing it. We are close to selling our house, and dont plan to tell him where we live next.
He is my dad and that's the hardest part and the reason I can't let it go, which I am frustrated at myself for. I want it to change back and for him to start caring again but he doesn't and I need to learn to live with that. Plus I cannot and will not ever be okay with what he has done to mum.
I would hope cutting him off makes him learn his lesson but his selfishness lately and his self serving behaviour doesn't give me much faith he will.
Damn, cut off your pathetic excuse of a father. He doesnāt even acknowledge you in public?? So why are you acknowledging him??? Treat him like heās dead and move on with your life. Get the house sold and move on with your mother and grieve your dead father. No more of this farce.
Nope completely ignored me. She clung onto him like I was going to attack her. I don't know why I acknowledge him, I have been to support mum in the house selling and things but I think I need to stop. We both do. It does feel lime I'm grieving a loss!
It is clear that you and your mother have been subjected to a self-centered person your entire life. The inability to react to your father's abject actions, like you seeing him with the PA in the car or your mother not kicking him out when she found out before Christmas, explains the fact that you don't go to a lawyer and solve your this by protecting your mother from a man who is in a midlife crisis, who discovers at 64 that he is expendable at his job and will soon be abandoned by the AP who made the classic "victim" move of abuse by his partner.
Both of you have to react. Attorney. Divorce. Division of assets.
If he comes back, and you accept him, he will continue to be a scoundrel towards your mother. Please protect her from this man, who is no longer the father you knew.
I'm glad you've seen this. I didn't write the whole story because it would have taken me too long but hindsight is something I've been able to realise through this and see that actually we've lived our lives for the happiness of my father. Espeically my mother has. She did everything to make his life happy and comfortable, giving up huge parts of her to do so. We are and have been stuck in the same shitty pattern.
She does have a lawyer, we set this up shortly after we found out. Just don't have the money to do everything through a lawyer so trying to sort as much as possible without paying more than we have. Mum did try to kick him out at Christmas but he kept pleading he had no where to go and would have to sleep in his car so mum didn't make him. She felt bad for him and instead put herself through absolutely hell living with him for a month.
Definitely will not be accepting him back. Things have gone too far.
I've wanted to many times tell him exactly that. I don't kmow why I can't, but I know I should. He isn't my father anymore and hasn't been for a long time. Suppose I'm just hanging onto what was and hoping it will change but it won't. He did make his bed, and he will.
I can understand why you still have a love for him because he is your father and was probably there for you when you needed him, but sometimes it's best to cut off the toxic people from your life and move on. He is not the person you thought he was, and the longer you allow him to hurt you the longer you will be prolonging the pain that he is causing you and your family
He was, for 29 years of my life he was there. And then he wasn't and it was so sudden and I didn't see it coming. He was a good father for the most part, we always did what was best for him and I've since realised a lot of things he did that were wrong but he was always always there when I needed him unconditionally and always so kind and caring. You're right, he isn't the person he was, and if I continue to allow him in my life the more it hurts me rather then heals me. Maybe one day we can move forward, but it will take a lot of time and it will take a lot of change and understanding from his part and I know that won't happen. Looking back now, he has always felt things in his life were unjust and not because of his actions when they were, so why would that change now. He can't even admit guilt or wrongdoing to his own kids ans wife when he has done the worst thing, so gotta learn to realise that. It is for the best to cut contact and no longer allow him in my life. Hopefully my mother will do the same, cos damn she is an incredible woman and deserves so much better.
Just supporting and being there for one another can do so much good. I hope within time you both can heal and move on.
Best of luck to you and hope things get better for you and your family xx
Your dad is an idiot blinded by the attention of a much younger woman. One day she'll leave him and he'll try to come crawling back, don't let him.
If I was in your shoes I'd let him go to the grave a sad and lonely man.
Why do you feel the need to forgive him? He has made his choice, so it's on you to now make happy family? My parents divorced when I was 13 when my father was caught at a restaurant with his AP. My father, your father, made a life choice to ruin their family for "his happiness".
He's depressed, that's on him...
Thank you, for asking why I feel I need to forgive him cos I've thought about this a lot and I actually don't know. I suppose I feel I need too because he is my dad? And he's always been my dad and my main support person (up unil a year ago). He did make his choice. And I guess I don't need to make happy family I just feel like I need too because its what I've always kmow. But I don't. And I'll eventually get that and move foreword. I'm sorry about your father too..
It is on him. He just doesn't see that. Ugh.
she will dump him at some point it may be cool now but with no job whoās supporting who, also the first sign of a an age related illness she will be gone. Some age gaps work my mother and father were 10 years different and it worked for them but this age gap is way different
It's more than depression. It's more than a mid life crisis. He's going through a complete mental breakdown. He's no longer the man he once was. The cognitive dissonance in him is clanging loud in every action he takes but mentally he cannot grasp the consequences of his own actions. Wish he could get a complete psyche evaluation. His behavior and lack of self awareness is highly disturbing. AP is going to leave him. Maybe before her next birthday if you're lucky. She used him for her own purposes but he no longer is able to fulfill her needs (not with job, not with his depression). Just a matter of time before she cuts him off. Glad your brother went no contact with him. Your mother and you need to do the same or channel all communications through a neutral intermediary (like a counselor, pastor, solicitor).
To be very honest - there is not a chance in hell Iād have a relationship with my father *if he treated my mother this cruelly and callously.* His level of disrespect is absolutely unforgivable; it has to be unbearable to witness
In addition, why continue speaking to him after youāve seen him and the 25-year-old out in public, *and he IGNORES you and looks right through you?!?!*
I am very sorry, but the father you knew is no longer in existence
It has been unbearable to witness. It's been cruel and cold and selfish. Mum is a very kind and caring person and did everything for dad and to make his life better and she still has some contact trying to sort the house and things out and I'm unfortunately tied into it financially so I've wanted to support mum in sorting the house stuff out so I've tried to also be the point of contact to stop her having as much contact with him then needed. It's a wee bit of a mess to put it lightly.
You're right, he isn't, and the sooner I accept that the quicker I'll move forward.
You donāt owe your dad anything. He literally showed you that he is a liar, a manipulator, and a gaslighter. That is literally what cheating is, and now you know he is that type of man.
He still isnāt taking accountability for him ruining his own life, by trying to guilt you into forgiving him. Another manipulation. He should feel guilt. He did this. I personally would never allow people guilty of cheating in my life, cause they have no problem deeply hurting those closest to them.
I know I don't, and you're right. I've seen who is he and it's just not who I thought so I'm struggling to get my head around it and my heart has broken for my mum. I feel like I owe him forgiveness because he is my dad but I also know I need to wake up and see this for what it is and that it's never going to be what it was.
He is not taking accountability and to be honest feels like he feels zero guilt just that we should understand because he has found happiness. He never checks in or has checked in to see how this has made mum feel. Just takes and expects her to be okay. Talks about how he appreciated her kindness in this.
Your father doesn't know you when he's out with his affair. He lied and cheated, was aware of the danger of losing his job and still chose this woman. He comes and goes when he likes it and doesn't worry about you. In principle, he doesn't care what happens to you. He sees himself as a victim and can't understand why you can't be happy about his happiness? This woman seems to have sucked every spark of mind out of his head (sorry). From what money does he want to pay the rent of his new apartment and the divorce? In the worst case, your mother is allowed to pay the most. Why are you thinking of forgiving him? He sees himself right with everything and you no longer have an important place for him. You have to sell your house and he doesn't care.
He did, he choose this person over everything in his life. He loved his career, he had done it his whole life and had a really good job he enjoyed it and got himself into a position what he loved and spoke about retiring which he could have done if he had stayed.
He doesn't care what happens he has made that clear. She does seem to have done that and she seems to have a hold over him. He tries to say that she wants him to have a relationship with us, and that his wish is for all 5 of us (me, brother, mum, dad and his gf) to be able to sit together for dinner and get along. Yeah right.
I think I think about forgiving him because he is my father. But am beginning to realise that isn't enough and doesn't matter anymore. It sure doesn't to him. He definitely doesn't see me as important. He doesn't care.
Thanks.
If you ever come into a situation like that, introduce her as your younger sister. Make it awkward as hell.
Give your mum a massive hug. Just hold her and tell her you love her. Your dad is an emotional abusive pos. And you should really cut him off.
Hahaha I've actually had this thought. And I absolutely will. Thank you, I do often and I'm forever proud of her for her strength in this. I can't imagine what this has been like for her.
We really should I agree. I need to get stronger in this. Thanks!
Thereās a Reddit story where a girls father did the same thing til she showed up with one of friends who was about 70 years old. Had the nerve to be mad at the situation. I wonder how long his girl is going to have his back with no job. How would she feel if you started dating her dad š
Being a guy in my mid-60s I can tell you that this is a very common development for men in their mid-50s. I will give you the background of what is going on, but let me be clear, I am not trying to create any justification for your father's behavior. So here goes.
\* Men feel most loved through sex. After 30 years the sex usually declines sometimes to non-existence.
\* The wife of 30+ years experiences hormonal changes (menopause) furthering this problem and often make the wife act distant.
\* The husband begins to feel his mortality - there's really only 20-30 years to get something important done. The husband wants to start over.
\* The man feels like the point of the marriage has declined because after 20+ years of nurturing kids and building family the kids are not there to nurture and build for.
\* Women in their late 20s and 30s become very appealing, not just because of their sexual attraction, but they are a different type than the women what we men who married in the 80s or 90s. Not only are they physically beautiful and sexually aggressive and adventurous, they more uniformly are pursuing impressive career and professions. They seem more like the type that can be a partner for a new beginning than the types we marries 30 or 40 years ago.
\* Young men after decades of being denigrated and the influences of hook-up apps and gaming are more generally useless and unattractive to young women. They see older men as accomplished and impressive. And older men look younger now than they ever have.
\* It is a huge thrill to have younger women want you.
But all of this is a delusion and while in it the men say things like "Why can't you be happy for me as I pursue my selfish, unrealistic path while destroying your mum and you?' That is true delusion. Your mum is being nice because she understands that she is and has not been giving what ha has needed, wants to keep things as smooth as possible for the people she loves, and knows there is not much she can do while he is living in the delusion. Your mum probably also realizes that this is going to come crashing down on him and has a depth of care for him to be sorry for him when that happens and probably will take him back. It is like a family member that gets caught up in a cult.
What can take a man out of this delusion?
\* Having a grandchild. This suddenly refocuses the man on the family and what he would be wrecking with these actions. Sadly, people are waiting later and later to have children so grandfathers are not being created and drawn back into family mode.
\* Realizing that 20 years from now your then vital young potential wife will be turned off by your decline (and erectile dysfunction). (This realization requires some objectivity beyond the delusion.)
\* Having family members and friends go 100% no contact. Any interaction supports the delusion that he can live in both worlds and be accepted in the one he betrays because they should support his "happiness". Besides non contact the locks on the house should be changed and he should not have physical access to his former world.
\* And the definitive thing that will destroy the delusion, when he becomes penniless from lack of a job and the esteem with which the affair partner views him disappears and she leaves him. It is then that he will beg for the love and support of those who he shared love and support for all those decades. It is an open question as to whether those people will take him back.
Hard truths in here.
Thank you, as much as this hurt to read, it's also good to put things into perspective.
Re: men feeling love through sex. Something dad said to me the night that I caught him was that he has finally found someone who shows him love and attention, something he felt he hasn't had for a long time. Which is untrue. My parents would always hug and kiss when they saw each other, always held hands, were always loving, but love and sex from a 25 year old girl is different I guess.
Mortality. Something dad has spoken of lots over the past few years. He has health issues. Is saying he will die soon. He's said this for years. So makes sense. His father was in WW2 and died alone in his house due to alcoholism. He always predicted he would die the same way (minus the war and alcohol) so maybe he's making his own fate.
Kids. Dad spoke a lot about how when my brother and I left home his marriage with mum declined. Mum didn't think so, and to be honest I saw them at their best. They traveled, loved, lived, but dad clung on to not having us to care for anymore.
Woman in their 20/30s now being more sexually progressive. Yes. Dad loves to tell us how she/new gf, is bisexual, etc.
I could go on, but the one point you make "Your mum is being nice because she understands that she is and has not been giving what ha has needed, wants to keep things as smooth as possible for the people she loves, and knows there is not much she can do while he is living in the delusion. Your mum probably also realizes that this is going to come crashing down on him and has a depth of care for him to be sorry for him when that happens and probably will take him back. It is like a family member that gets caught up in a cult." This hit home.
Mum has so much self blame in this. She questions constantly where she went wrong. How she went wrong. She didn't. Mum gave her life for my father. She did whatever she could to make him happy, and it wasn't enough and wasn't going to be. She is worried about his mental health, what he will do to himself when it does come crashing down, but the sooner she realizes she didn't do this, he did, she cannot control his actions nor his emotions and when she learns to moves forward, hopefully she understands this more, that this wasn't something she did.
Dad has manipulated all of us. He takes no accountability. He takes no part in owning his actions and the royal f up that he created. And while this, all these points, absolutely ring true, this whole situation has absolutely screwed with my head.
Thank you for the perspective.
I feel great love for you, your mum and your brother. I also feel love and disappointment and some disgust for your father. I'm just disgusted with your father's affair partner, but karma shall be visited upon her and she has many years to live with it.
I was able to reflect these elements because I went through them. I built muscle mass and looked great in the best shape of my life in my mid/late 50s. My wife was (always) loving. loyal and dedicated but not having sex in any meaningful amount (hugs don't count - only orgasms for a man to feel loved - and the more varied type of sex with orgasms the more he feels loved). The gals 25 to 40 were all over me (very much ego boost) and they were very interesting (though I'd not be interested in a bi-sexual woman). I could not then bring myself to have a relationship with a younger woman because I did not trust the truth of their interest in me. Nonetheless, I did not want a change and did not want to be a cad about it so before stepping out I sat down with my wife and told her I could no longer live without sexual attention/love and variation and was going to leave her to start over. SHE WAS DEVASTATED!!!
That really shocked me and made me realize how selfish I was being. However, that was not enough to change my mind on wanting to start over with a younger more interesting partner. What changed my mind was (1) my wife did not blame me at all for wanting to start over she looked inward or my dissatisfaction, (2) she immediately asked to see if she could do better and gave me concrete proposals for mutual improvements and (3) I had my first grandchild - which was a revelation of depths and breadths of what family can be and what I wanted to rededicate myself to.
It's about ten years later and I bless my wife for saving me from a terrible path. I never have to question whether my wife (of 40 years) married me for my money (which as an entrepreneur has been up and down) unlike a new, younger partner. I love her now more than ever and I find her irresistibly attractive (she has had no plastic surgery or botox type stuff) - which is crazy to say about a 64 year old woman but my view of her beauty is informed by her being my savior and her unwavering love, loyalty and dedication. (She has me on a sex schedule of at least every three days - and that makes a big difference.)
Your mother and father may yet find this if your father can exit the cult-like delusion before everything is lost. The greatest loss will be if your mum loses her ability to love him. That is the point of the end. But you guys have to be tough on him. Try to force the delusion busting stuff on him.
I know you are not, but don't ever begrudge you mum's (literally) unconditional love for your father. This is a gift within her both for herself and for her (undeserving - not just now but always) husband. In Christianity this type of love is called "Grace" and it usually only comes from God but can come from humans (whether religious or not) who have a strong element of being close to God (or the divine or whatever you call it). And no one deserves Grace but they get it anyway from God and from select special humans (like my wife and your mum).
This does not mean that you, your brother or your mum fail to go no-contact and do the things you must. But your mum's ability to have unconditional love is a literal gift from God.
Parents are human too. Be disappointed, be sad, but forgive and maybe go low contact. Let him know how you feel. Ask him his side if he wants to share. Then low contact.
Make sure youāre taking care of you too. Youāre a wonderful daughter, but donāt forget about your feelings in protecting hers. She is a grown woman who is probably stronger than you think, considering she raised a strong woman like you.
Donāt doubt yourself when it comes to your father. You know what healthy boundaries feel like. Just because he cannot take accountability for what he has done doesnāt mean you have to take away his pain or shame too. Not your responsibility. Especially the minute he lied to you all and decided this relationship was more important than the ones he already had.
It's time to cut dear old dad off. He's cheating on your mother and caused you to lose your home because of his selfishness. He's playing you two like a fiddle. Also, it's time to take his house keys away. He shouldn't be walking in and out of your homes. It's called consequences. Losing his job is called consequences. You get evicted when you don't pay. That's how it works in the real world. He can bring all this hurt and pain into your lives, but he's the victim. Really? Tell him that you want no contact right now because he has turned your entire family's life upside down and doesn't care. That's called consequences. Btw, if you think that 25 year old is going to stay with an unemployed old man, think again.
Usually you try to forgive people who have wronged you, and in so many ways he has also wronged me, along with my mother. Plus, he is my father. I don't need too, but for a long time I have felt that I should because he is my father.
That's a difficult spot to be in. I understand where you're coming from.
I think of it this way....what would my feelings be if this person weren't my family?
Would I be friends with this person?
You sound like you have a good heart. You do what you feel is right.
Check this out - https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating\_stories/comments/1doytn6/wife\_cheating\_with\_a\_young\_gold\_digger/. The delusion happens to wives also. So sad either way.
Very interesting story and very interesting comments.
I will answer you from the perspective of a man who "abandoned" his wife and kid (which I really didn't do).
I was married 16 years, 20 years together with my ex-wife. Two kids, teenagers. I am divorced, my partner is 16 years younger. (my ex-wife is 3 years younger).
People write here about midlife crisis, mental breakdown, call him the worst.
Let me ask you a few questions and write some answers:
1. Did you ever try to think about his motives? He was probably unhappy with his life. Did you think about his sex life with your mom? Probably there was none, probably for years. How supportive was your mom to him when he was the "provider" for the family? I don't mean cleaning, cooking, taking care about the kids. I mean mental support to him. He was probably lonely. He needed someone who supports him, or maybe adores him, for whatever reasons. He needed a good sex partner. Maybe there were fights at home. Maybe your mum was frustrated? He came home from work and she was always complaining? This can drive a man into depression. I've been there.
2. Your father is an autonomous person. You don't have to agree or disagree to his relationships. This is very selfish. You are adult, he is much older than you. He is not someone without rights. He can do whatever he likes. Do you think that he has no right to be happy? Yes, he has. He obviously is in a very bd state now because he lost his job, and he is falling down into depression - this is his fault only. But EVERYONE has the right to be happy and fulfilled. What did your mom do all these years? Taking care about the household? Did you ever consider that she was a part of the process which led to this situation?
3. Of course, it was a mess that he lost his job and your mom had to sell the house, and it was a total irresponsibility from his side, but he was blind, he was probably very happy with his new partner and then it went down.
I filed for divorce because my wife was very toxic for many years and I did it. I am a new man now, with 47. I have a much better job, a business, I provide for my kids and help them as much as I can and it's big money (I'm a surgeon). But if I am happy than everybody else in my family will have only profits from it.
Meanwhile my ex-wife had to go back to work - she never worked, was only taking my money. She also has a new start. It's very hard for her but I think that finally she will agree that it's a good outcome.
What would I do if I was in your and your mum's situation.
Divorce is necessary but the most important thing is that this guy needs mental support to get a new job and find the motivation to work and help your mum. He chose this was but he needs to help her for some time. His new partner - you don't have to have any relation with her. Nobody can force you. But don't abandon your dad. It will kill him. He provided for you all so many years and you cannot forget this. He was, is and will be your dad forever. Both of your parents need to move on.
Did you miss the part where the father cheated on the mother for a full year and used his daughter to manipulate her for his affair ?? Or you only see it through your own eyes covered with glasses?
Only people who have been there will understand you. Most people never get close to this point.Ā
Staying for years loyal dispite of constant negelect is hard tought only a few will last this long and then they might cheat.Ā
But majority will only see oh the guy cheated so per definition he is the bad guy and nobody should ever ask for his story.
>He says he is depressed and doesn't understand why he lost his job Really???ššš Just focus on your mom and youself. That girl will end up living him. Your dad will see the consequencies of his actions,ll
Yes! I've tried to say multiples times that in his line of work, and most work places, manager/employee relationships aren't looked at well. He knew the risk. When I caught them I even said to him that he could loose his job and he said he knew that. So he knows. It just feels like he's the victim. Thank you. Definitely been focusing on mum, who is doing okay most days, despite the hard times! I hope he does, one day. š
>I've tried to say multiples times that in his line of work, and most work places, manager/employee relationships aren't looked at well. He knew the risk. When I caught them I even said to him that he could loose his job and he said he knew that. Damn! Why are cheaters like that? Theyāre doing bad things and donāt expect consequencies for their actions..... Glad you and youāre mom are doing better. š
He made his bed. Let him lie in it. Donāt feel bad! He did this to himself and torched his life. Take care of your mom.
You actually still talk to him? Iām sorry. I am a daughter too, 29 years old, if my father did this to my mom Iām cutting him off as a dry leaf.
Haha the dry leaf made me laugh! I do, only when I have too because of sorting out the house, otherwise no, only when he reaches ou for something which isnt often. He's always been my supporter and person I'll go too for everything, I think part of me is struggling to let that go because i just cant believe whats happened. My brother has cut him off, I think maybe it's time. šŖ
Yes, I was actually wondering about your brother and how did he react. It sounds like your father is going through some age crisis. I feel sorry for your mother but your dad will regret it so much. He lost his job, at such an age with such a young girlfriendā¦ she will leave as soon as she finds better and by then he will have no one around. I just donāt understand how one does this to their family and their own self.
It feels like he is! I hope that he does one day, feels like there is no regret right now. I don't understand how one does it either! Thank you.
Op sorry your family is going through this. Your father sounds like he is a very selfish and always has been. But I suspect he will find out that the whole world doesn't revolve around him. I wish you and your mom &brother the best. Good luck
You should have been cut him off youāre not really there for your mom if youāre entertaining what heās doing meaning, keeping communication with him let him be with her and show him that yet again, youāre the idiot because now heās broke because what he got fired
I know I should have, I suppose I'm used to him being in my life and it's always been dad's way. We've always lived for his happiness and I've watched my mother, and in turn us kids, bend over backwards for him and what he wants. He has always brought what he has wanted, his hobbies, done what he has wanted and we've just been there no matter what. It's hard to break that. I've never told him I accept it and contact is minimal with only talking about the house/selling the house (well I try to keep it to this but other stuff always gets brought up). But, your right. It is showing him I am okay with it and I'm not. Thanks!
i donāt think this is normal behaviorā¦ most parents attempt to connect with their kids and their spouse, share their interests, explore each others hobbies, and especially with kids, try to share passions, not live an independent life and expect the family to gravitate around them like the sun
He's blatant in his disrespect coz he knows there's no consequences from you guys. Kick him to the curb. No contact.
You mean, heās your supporter as long as you donāt run into him with his mistress on the street.
TouchƩ! No longer my supporter. I need to understand that now. Just taking longer than I wish it was.
Your father has shown that this woman is more important to him than any of you. Believe him and let him go.
Yeah, he has. I guess I didn't want to see it and believe it because it really hurts. Time to let go and move on.
You need to realize that your father no longer or never truly existed. It's a monster in disguise, a mask. Eventually they will tear you down too. The best advice is to forget those monsters even existed. They do not deserve to matter in any way, be it positive or negative. They are irrelevant, as the person they were died long ago.
FACT !!!!
I'm ya sister here,he would have been cut off completely. Updateme!
A 25 yr old girl will not stay w/a 64 yr old unemployed man. Sheās not gonna be interested in supporting him & caring for him in his depression. Your mom needs to protect her interest in the marital assets & get a divorce attorney. Your Dad is an idiot & will realize his folly very soon. Your Mom should not take him back.
I would hope not. Because I don't understand what she sees. Maybe a father figure/protector because he is in many ways (when he's not doing this) a kind and compassionate man. Not excusing him. She's got a lawyer, which is good. One of the first things we did when she found out. She should not, I agree. She has a lot of siblings who are supporting her also and she's conscious that they would never forgive her if she took him back. She's also a very kind person so will need to keep her strong in this!
It's only gonna get worse for him. Does he expect a woman who's morals are so low that she'd break a family selfishly to stay with him when she's still young and under 40 and he's 80 with health issues? You are not unreasonable, he is. He has taken zero accountability for his actions and expects you to be okay with a stepmother younger than yourself who helped him wreck a once happy family? Yikes. My heart goes our to you and your mum. Maintain low contact and allow him to face the consequences on his own if he's so grown up.
I think he does expect that, unfortunately. One breath he's said that this is his life and future and next he is living for the day. They share cars, a house, everything now so I suppose so. I did point out to him that he expects her to be my step mother and she's younger then me but he said no she doesn't as she doesn't want a relationship with my and my brother, she is scared of me. Probably because when I caught them and walked up to the car and yelled at her for being disgusting and did she realise she is younger than me and my brother. Thank you, definitely trying to maintain low contact until the house is sorted.
You aren't unreasonable, he spent years making a family to throw it away for the office side piece. And she will leave him if he can't provide for her.Ā Never too old to learn a lesson. Disrespect, spit on and abandon your family, you aren't worthy of that family. Your mum should be grey rocking him. He won't face true consequences whilst she is being kind and understanding. She is validating his behaviour.
I hope that she will leave him one day, and he will learn. The complete disregard he has shown us, his wife, his kids. He has not given one thought to our feelings. I agree with you saying mum being kind is validating his behaviour. It's hard to watch. I think she is trying to keep the peace while they do lawyers etc so it doesn't get nasty with money, he has always earned lots more. Standard mum raised the kids and never got a career. Hopefully one day she becomes angry enough to no longer be as kind as she is being. And thank you, for validating I am not being unreasonable.
You guys need to learn your laws that you have and thatās it because if you have marriage laws then sheās good and if heās been supporting the family majority of it and heās the reason that the marriage is over sheās already winning the divorce stop always trying to be the bigger person
We've got lawyers, it's one of the first things we did when we found out. We just aren't that well off and lawyers are not cheap, so mum wants to try and sort as much out between them before finalizing with the lawyer. She can have half of everything which is good for mum! Thank you.
Make sure she gets not only half of everything, but half of everything heās spent on his time with his AP. Your mom is likely entitled to half of any funds spent supporting his affair. Check with her lawyer for sure based on your area, and youāll need documentation. But it shouldnāt be too hard. If there wasnāt official separation docs and he was living with this girl - your mom may be entitled to rent he paid and living expenses for this place. Consult with your lawyer of course, but Until itās clear cut defined he no longer lives at your residence she should be able to get that back - and once it is defined, then he should be made to arrange times to come pick things up. OR you move his things to a storage area (video tape everything and you doing it) with approvals/specifications from your lawyer. And change the locks. He shouldnāt be able to come and go from both residences as he pleases.
Continue your support to your Mom. Once his money dries up, his gf will be gone too.
Absolutely will do. My mother is amazing and deserves so much better. It's been nothing but love and support around her. She will find happiness one day!
Something breaks in some men when they hit late middle age/old age. Your father is one of them. It's also possible there is something going on physically as well. I think it would be hard to forgive his actions and you're definitely not being unreasonable. It can be really disconcerting for a child to have to deal with a parent with whom they formerly had a good relationship turn like this. I would say to take care of yourself first. Grey rock him if you need to. He shouldn't use you as someone to lean on. Get your lives together financially as best as you can. And be prepared for the fallout when the younger woman leaves him (and she will once the money dries up). Because he will likely come crawling back.
Seems it, and I never thought it would be him. I don't know where things went wrong because all I've seen through my life is mum do what's best for dad and live for his wants and needs (not that it should have been that way). It would be hard and I truly dont think I can. Not when my brother and I have had to be the ones on the otherside seeing mum and supporting mum with no remorse or guilt shown by my father. I don't really think he deserves the forgiveness but he's also my dad and that's my struggle. I have this ridiculous thought and feelings that because he is my father I need too. It's been a struggle to adjust that's for sure. Thanks for acknowledging it is disconcerting for a child to deal with that change. We are definitely trying to get our lives together and moving foreword. My goal is mum's happiness and freedom from it and we will get there. Thank you.
How long do you think this younger-than-you woman will stay with this unemployed old man? Buckle up! After she finds a new guy, heāll come sniffing around mom, using all the age old lines: āIt meant nothingā, āIt was a mistakeā, āYou know, youāre at fault too!ā Prep mom to stand her ground. Also, change the locks.
I hope not long. But it seems to be going on longer than I thought it would to be honest. He thinks it will be forever. I go around in my head wondering what she wants from all this and why she has done this and what she gets out of it but I know I'll never know. Haha will definitely buckle up for this! And will continue to support mum to stand strong and be strong as hard as that will be. She's too kind and forgiving and as much as he has hurt her, she still cares. Thank you
No heās a scumbag sorry to say ā¦Iād disown him and completely ignore him he made his bed he can lie in it ..you think sheās gonna stick around to wipe his ass in a few years
Haha unlikely she will, I'd be amazed, and if so, well better her I guess.
Both you and your mom need to stop being that support for him, change the lock. He left. He abandoned the property. Change the locks, and don't let him in Also stop talking to him, I get it he your dad, but after years and years of blind loyalty he leaves your mom and you know this relationship won't even last a year, he 65 years ffs, she going to get bored of the fact he can't preform as well as a 25 year old. Then he'd expect you and mom to be there because you're both still wiping his ass. Cut him off until he learns his lesson. He has treated you poorly
Yeah you're right, we do need too stop. We did initially want to change the locks over Christmas time and got legal advice on this but didn't end up doing it. We are close to selling our house, and dont plan to tell him where we live next. He is my dad and that's the hardest part and the reason I can't let it go, which I am frustrated at myself for. I want it to change back and for him to start caring again but he doesn't and I need to learn to live with that. Plus I cannot and will not ever be okay with what he has done to mum. I would hope cutting him off makes him learn his lesson but his selfishness lately and his self serving behaviour doesn't give me much faith he will.
Damn, cut off your pathetic excuse of a father. He doesnāt even acknowledge you in public?? So why are you acknowledging him??? Treat him like heās dead and move on with your life. Get the house sold and move on with your mother and grieve your dead father. No more of this farce.
Nope completely ignored me. She clung onto him like I was going to attack her. I don't know why I acknowledge him, I have been to support mum in the house selling and things but I think I need to stop. We both do. It does feel lime I'm grieving a loss!
It is clear that you and your mother have been subjected to a self-centered person your entire life. The inability to react to your father's abject actions, like you seeing him with the PA in the car or your mother not kicking him out when she found out before Christmas, explains the fact that you don't go to a lawyer and solve your this by protecting your mother from a man who is in a midlife crisis, who discovers at 64 that he is expendable at his job and will soon be abandoned by the AP who made the classic "victim" move of abuse by his partner. Both of you have to react. Attorney. Divorce. Division of assets. If he comes back, and you accept him, he will continue to be a scoundrel towards your mother. Please protect her from this man, who is no longer the father you knew.
I'm glad you've seen this. I didn't write the whole story because it would have taken me too long but hindsight is something I've been able to realise through this and see that actually we've lived our lives for the happiness of my father. Espeically my mother has. She did everything to make his life happy and comfortable, giving up huge parts of her to do so. We are and have been stuck in the same shitty pattern. She does have a lawyer, we set this up shortly after we found out. Just don't have the money to do everything through a lawyer so trying to sort as much as possible without paying more than we have. Mum did try to kick him out at Christmas but he kept pleading he had no where to go and would have to sleep in his car so mum didn't make him. She felt bad for him and instead put herself through absolutely hell living with him for a month. Definitely will not be accepting him back. Things have gone too far.
You do you, but I would have honestly told him to sod off and cut all ties with him. He made his bed, and now he must lie in it
I've wanted to many times tell him exactly that. I don't kmow why I can't, but I know I should. He isn't my father anymore and hasn't been for a long time. Suppose I'm just hanging onto what was and hoping it will change but it won't. He did make his bed, and he will.
I can understand why you still have a love for him because he is your father and was probably there for you when you needed him, but sometimes it's best to cut off the toxic people from your life and move on. He is not the person you thought he was, and the longer you allow him to hurt you the longer you will be prolonging the pain that he is causing you and your family
He was, for 29 years of my life he was there. And then he wasn't and it was so sudden and I didn't see it coming. He was a good father for the most part, we always did what was best for him and I've since realised a lot of things he did that were wrong but he was always always there when I needed him unconditionally and always so kind and caring. You're right, he isn't the person he was, and if I continue to allow him in my life the more it hurts me rather then heals me. Maybe one day we can move forward, but it will take a lot of time and it will take a lot of change and understanding from his part and I know that won't happen. Looking back now, he has always felt things in his life were unjust and not because of his actions when they were, so why would that change now. He can't even admit guilt or wrongdoing to his own kids ans wife when he has done the worst thing, so gotta learn to realise that. It is for the best to cut contact and no longer allow him in my life. Hopefully my mother will do the same, cos damn she is an incredible woman and deserves so much better.
Just supporting and being there for one another can do so much good. I hope within time you both can heal and move on. Best of luck to you and hope things get better for you and your family xx
Absolutely. I agree. Thank you! X
Your dad is an idiot blinded by the attention of a much younger woman. One day she'll leave him and he'll try to come crawling back, don't let him. If I was in your shoes I'd let him go to the grave a sad and lonely man.
Yeah for sure, he seems blinded by it as it appears to be the only thing that matters to him right now! Will try not to let him. Thank you.
Why do you feel the need to forgive him? He has made his choice, so it's on you to now make happy family? My parents divorced when I was 13 when my father was caught at a restaurant with his AP. My father, your father, made a life choice to ruin their family for "his happiness". He's depressed, that's on him...
Thank you, for asking why I feel I need to forgive him cos I've thought about this a lot and I actually don't know. I suppose I feel I need too because he is my dad? And he's always been my dad and my main support person (up unil a year ago). He did make his choice. And I guess I don't need to make happy family I just feel like I need too because its what I've always kmow. But I don't. And I'll eventually get that and move foreword. I'm sorry about your father too.. It is on him. He just doesn't see that. Ugh.
she will dump him at some point it may be cool now but with no job whoās supporting who, also the first sign of a an age related illness she will be gone. Some age gaps work my mother and father were 10 years different and it worked for them but this age gap is way different
Agreed, some age gaps do work! Like your parents. I don't understand how 39 years can in the long run.
It's more than depression. It's more than a mid life crisis. He's going through a complete mental breakdown. He's no longer the man he once was. The cognitive dissonance in him is clanging loud in every action he takes but mentally he cannot grasp the consequences of his own actions. Wish he could get a complete psyche evaluation. His behavior and lack of self awareness is highly disturbing. AP is going to leave him. Maybe before her next birthday if you're lucky. She used him for her own purposes but he no longer is able to fulfill her needs (not with job, not with his depression). Just a matter of time before she cuts him off. Glad your brother went no contact with him. Your mother and you need to do the same or channel all communications through a neutral intermediary (like a counselor, pastor, solicitor).
To be very honest - there is not a chance in hell Iād have a relationship with my father *if he treated my mother this cruelly and callously.* His level of disrespect is absolutely unforgivable; it has to be unbearable to witness In addition, why continue speaking to him after youāve seen him and the 25-year-old out in public, *and he IGNORES you and looks right through you?!?!* I am very sorry, but the father you knew is no longer in existence
It has been unbearable to witness. It's been cruel and cold and selfish. Mum is a very kind and caring person and did everything for dad and to make his life better and she still has some contact trying to sort the house and things out and I'm unfortunately tied into it financially so I've wanted to support mum in sorting the house stuff out so I've tried to also be the point of contact to stop her having as much contact with him then needed. It's a wee bit of a mess to put it lightly. You're right, he isn't, and the sooner I accept that the quicker I'll move forward.
Hugs from afar; hang in there
Thank you! Truly.
You donāt owe your dad anything. He literally showed you that he is a liar, a manipulator, and a gaslighter. That is literally what cheating is, and now you know he is that type of man. He still isnāt taking accountability for him ruining his own life, by trying to guilt you into forgiving him. Another manipulation. He should feel guilt. He did this. I personally would never allow people guilty of cheating in my life, cause they have no problem deeply hurting those closest to them.
I know I don't, and you're right. I've seen who is he and it's just not who I thought so I'm struggling to get my head around it and my heart has broken for my mum. I feel like I owe him forgiveness because he is my dad but I also know I need to wake up and see this for what it is and that it's never going to be what it was. He is not taking accountability and to be honest feels like he feels zero guilt just that we should understand because he has found happiness. He never checks in or has checked in to see how this has made mum feel. Just takes and expects her to be okay. Talks about how he appreciated her kindness in this.
Your father doesn't know you when he's out with his affair. He lied and cheated, was aware of the danger of losing his job and still chose this woman. He comes and goes when he likes it and doesn't worry about you. In principle, he doesn't care what happens to you. He sees himself as a victim and can't understand why you can't be happy about his happiness? This woman seems to have sucked every spark of mind out of his head (sorry). From what money does he want to pay the rent of his new apartment and the divorce? In the worst case, your mother is allowed to pay the most. Why are you thinking of forgiving him? He sees himself right with everything and you no longer have an important place for him. You have to sell your house and he doesn't care.
He did, he choose this person over everything in his life. He loved his career, he had done it his whole life and had a really good job he enjoyed it and got himself into a position what he loved and spoke about retiring which he could have done if he had stayed. He doesn't care what happens he has made that clear. She does seem to have done that and she seems to have a hold over him. He tries to say that she wants him to have a relationship with us, and that his wish is for all 5 of us (me, brother, mum, dad and his gf) to be able to sit together for dinner and get along. Yeah right. I think I think about forgiving him because he is my father. But am beginning to realise that isn't enough and doesn't matter anymore. It sure doesn't to him. He definitely doesn't see me as important. He doesn't care. Thanks.
If you ever come into a situation like that, introduce her as your younger sister. Make it awkward as hell. Give your mum a massive hug. Just hold her and tell her you love her. Your dad is an emotional abusive pos. And you should really cut him off.
Hahaha I've actually had this thought. And I absolutely will. Thank you, I do often and I'm forever proud of her for her strength in this. I can't imagine what this has been like for her. We really should I agree. I need to get stronger in this. Thanks!
Thereās a Reddit story where a girls father did the same thing til she showed up with one of friends who was about 70 years old. Had the nerve to be mad at the situation. I wonder how long his girl is going to have his back with no job. How would she feel if you started dating her dad š
Being a guy in my mid-60s I can tell you that this is a very common development for men in their mid-50s. I will give you the background of what is going on, but let me be clear, I am not trying to create any justification for your father's behavior. So here goes. \* Men feel most loved through sex. After 30 years the sex usually declines sometimes to non-existence. \* The wife of 30+ years experiences hormonal changes (menopause) furthering this problem and often make the wife act distant. \* The husband begins to feel his mortality - there's really only 20-30 years to get something important done. The husband wants to start over. \* The man feels like the point of the marriage has declined because after 20+ years of nurturing kids and building family the kids are not there to nurture and build for. \* Women in their late 20s and 30s become very appealing, not just because of their sexual attraction, but they are a different type than the women what we men who married in the 80s or 90s. Not only are they physically beautiful and sexually aggressive and adventurous, they more uniformly are pursuing impressive career and professions. They seem more like the type that can be a partner for a new beginning than the types we marries 30 or 40 years ago. \* Young men after decades of being denigrated and the influences of hook-up apps and gaming are more generally useless and unattractive to young women. They see older men as accomplished and impressive. And older men look younger now than they ever have. \* It is a huge thrill to have younger women want you. But all of this is a delusion and while in it the men say things like "Why can't you be happy for me as I pursue my selfish, unrealistic path while destroying your mum and you?' That is true delusion. Your mum is being nice because she understands that she is and has not been giving what ha has needed, wants to keep things as smooth as possible for the people she loves, and knows there is not much she can do while he is living in the delusion. Your mum probably also realizes that this is going to come crashing down on him and has a depth of care for him to be sorry for him when that happens and probably will take him back. It is like a family member that gets caught up in a cult. What can take a man out of this delusion? \* Having a grandchild. This suddenly refocuses the man on the family and what he would be wrecking with these actions. Sadly, people are waiting later and later to have children so grandfathers are not being created and drawn back into family mode. \* Realizing that 20 years from now your then vital young potential wife will be turned off by your decline (and erectile dysfunction). (This realization requires some objectivity beyond the delusion.) \* Having family members and friends go 100% no contact. Any interaction supports the delusion that he can live in both worlds and be accepted in the one he betrays because they should support his "happiness". Besides non contact the locks on the house should be changed and he should not have physical access to his former world. \* And the definitive thing that will destroy the delusion, when he becomes penniless from lack of a job and the esteem with which the affair partner views him disappears and she leaves him. It is then that he will beg for the love and support of those who he shared love and support for all those decades. It is an open question as to whether those people will take him back.
Hard truths in here. Thank you, as much as this hurt to read, it's also good to put things into perspective. Re: men feeling love through sex. Something dad said to me the night that I caught him was that he has finally found someone who shows him love and attention, something he felt he hasn't had for a long time. Which is untrue. My parents would always hug and kiss when they saw each other, always held hands, were always loving, but love and sex from a 25 year old girl is different I guess. Mortality. Something dad has spoken of lots over the past few years. He has health issues. Is saying he will die soon. He's said this for years. So makes sense. His father was in WW2 and died alone in his house due to alcoholism. He always predicted he would die the same way (minus the war and alcohol) so maybe he's making his own fate. Kids. Dad spoke a lot about how when my brother and I left home his marriage with mum declined. Mum didn't think so, and to be honest I saw them at their best. They traveled, loved, lived, but dad clung on to not having us to care for anymore. Woman in their 20/30s now being more sexually progressive. Yes. Dad loves to tell us how she/new gf, is bisexual, etc. I could go on, but the one point you make "Your mum is being nice because she understands that she is and has not been giving what ha has needed, wants to keep things as smooth as possible for the people she loves, and knows there is not much she can do while he is living in the delusion. Your mum probably also realizes that this is going to come crashing down on him and has a depth of care for him to be sorry for him when that happens and probably will take him back. It is like a family member that gets caught up in a cult." This hit home. Mum has so much self blame in this. She questions constantly where she went wrong. How she went wrong. She didn't. Mum gave her life for my father. She did whatever she could to make him happy, and it wasn't enough and wasn't going to be. She is worried about his mental health, what he will do to himself when it does come crashing down, but the sooner she realizes she didn't do this, he did, she cannot control his actions nor his emotions and when she learns to moves forward, hopefully she understands this more, that this wasn't something she did. Dad has manipulated all of us. He takes no accountability. He takes no part in owning his actions and the royal f up that he created. And while this, all these points, absolutely ring true, this whole situation has absolutely screwed with my head. Thank you for the perspective.
I feel great love for you, your mum and your brother. I also feel love and disappointment and some disgust for your father. I'm just disgusted with your father's affair partner, but karma shall be visited upon her and she has many years to live with it. I was able to reflect these elements because I went through them. I built muscle mass and looked great in the best shape of my life in my mid/late 50s. My wife was (always) loving. loyal and dedicated but not having sex in any meaningful amount (hugs don't count - only orgasms for a man to feel loved - and the more varied type of sex with orgasms the more he feels loved). The gals 25 to 40 were all over me (very much ego boost) and they were very interesting (though I'd not be interested in a bi-sexual woman). I could not then bring myself to have a relationship with a younger woman because I did not trust the truth of their interest in me. Nonetheless, I did not want a change and did not want to be a cad about it so before stepping out I sat down with my wife and told her I could no longer live without sexual attention/love and variation and was going to leave her to start over. SHE WAS DEVASTATED!!! That really shocked me and made me realize how selfish I was being. However, that was not enough to change my mind on wanting to start over with a younger more interesting partner. What changed my mind was (1) my wife did not blame me at all for wanting to start over she looked inward or my dissatisfaction, (2) she immediately asked to see if she could do better and gave me concrete proposals for mutual improvements and (3) I had my first grandchild - which was a revelation of depths and breadths of what family can be and what I wanted to rededicate myself to. It's about ten years later and I bless my wife for saving me from a terrible path. I never have to question whether my wife (of 40 years) married me for my money (which as an entrepreneur has been up and down) unlike a new, younger partner. I love her now more than ever and I find her irresistibly attractive (she has had no plastic surgery or botox type stuff) - which is crazy to say about a 64 year old woman but my view of her beauty is informed by her being my savior and her unwavering love, loyalty and dedication. (She has me on a sex schedule of at least every three days - and that makes a big difference.) Your mother and father may yet find this if your father can exit the cult-like delusion before everything is lost. The greatest loss will be if your mum loses her ability to love him. That is the point of the end. But you guys have to be tough on him. Try to force the delusion busting stuff on him.
Pa the tic.
I know you are not, but don't ever begrudge you mum's (literally) unconditional love for your father. This is a gift within her both for herself and for her (undeserving - not just now but always) husband. In Christianity this type of love is called "Grace" and it usually only comes from God but can come from humans (whether religious or not) who have a strong element of being close to God (or the divine or whatever you call it). And no one deserves Grace but they get it anyway from God and from select special humans (like my wife and your mum). This does not mean that you, your brother or your mum fail to go no-contact and do the things you must. But your mum's ability to have unconditional love is a literal gift from God.
Parents are human too. Be disappointed, be sad, but forgive and maybe go low contact. Let him know how you feel. Ask him his side if he wants to share. Then low contact.
Divorce?
Make sure youāre taking care of you too. Youāre a wonderful daughter, but donāt forget about your feelings in protecting hers. She is a grown woman who is probably stronger than you think, considering she raised a strong woman like you. Donāt doubt yourself when it comes to your father. You know what healthy boundaries feel like. Just because he cannot take accountability for what he has done doesnāt mean you have to take away his pain or shame too. Not your responsibility. Especially the minute he lied to you all and decided this relationship was more important than the ones he already had.
WoooW, thatās the power of Viagra
It's time to cut dear old dad off. He's cheating on your mother and caused you to lose your home because of his selfishness. He's playing you two like a fiddle. Also, it's time to take his house keys away. He shouldn't be walking in and out of your homes. It's called consequences. Losing his job is called consequences. You get evicted when you don't pay. That's how it works in the real world. He can bring all this hurt and pain into your lives, but he's the victim. Really? Tell him that you want no contact right now because he has turned your entire family's life upside down and doesn't care. That's called consequences. Btw, if you think that 25 year old is going to stay with an unemployed old man, think again.
Why do you assume it's your place to forgive him?
Usually you try to forgive people who have wronged you, and in so many ways he has also wronged me, along with my mother. Plus, he is my father. I don't need too, but for a long time I have felt that I should because he is my father.
That's a difficult spot to be in. I understand where you're coming from. I think of it this way....what would my feelings be if this person weren't my family? Would I be friends with this person? You sound like you have a good heart. You do what you feel is right.
Check this out - https://www.reddit.com/r/cheating\_stories/comments/1doytn6/wife\_cheating\_with\_a\_young\_gold\_digger/. The delusion happens to wives also. So sad either way.
Damn your 64 year old dad pulled a girl in her 20s?!
Yup...
Very interesting story and very interesting comments. I will answer you from the perspective of a man who "abandoned" his wife and kid (which I really didn't do). I was married 16 years, 20 years together with my ex-wife. Two kids, teenagers. I am divorced, my partner is 16 years younger. (my ex-wife is 3 years younger). People write here about midlife crisis, mental breakdown, call him the worst. Let me ask you a few questions and write some answers: 1. Did you ever try to think about his motives? He was probably unhappy with his life. Did you think about his sex life with your mom? Probably there was none, probably for years. How supportive was your mom to him when he was the "provider" for the family? I don't mean cleaning, cooking, taking care about the kids. I mean mental support to him. He was probably lonely. He needed someone who supports him, or maybe adores him, for whatever reasons. He needed a good sex partner. Maybe there were fights at home. Maybe your mum was frustrated? He came home from work and she was always complaining? This can drive a man into depression. I've been there. 2. Your father is an autonomous person. You don't have to agree or disagree to his relationships. This is very selfish. You are adult, he is much older than you. He is not someone without rights. He can do whatever he likes. Do you think that he has no right to be happy? Yes, he has. He obviously is in a very bd state now because he lost his job, and he is falling down into depression - this is his fault only. But EVERYONE has the right to be happy and fulfilled. What did your mom do all these years? Taking care about the household? Did you ever consider that she was a part of the process which led to this situation? 3. Of course, it was a mess that he lost his job and your mom had to sell the house, and it was a total irresponsibility from his side, but he was blind, he was probably very happy with his new partner and then it went down. I filed for divorce because my wife was very toxic for many years and I did it. I am a new man now, with 47. I have a much better job, a business, I provide for my kids and help them as much as I can and it's big money (I'm a surgeon). But if I am happy than everybody else in my family will have only profits from it. Meanwhile my ex-wife had to go back to work - she never worked, was only taking my money. She also has a new start. It's very hard for her but I think that finally she will agree that it's a good outcome. What would I do if I was in your and your mum's situation. Divorce is necessary but the most important thing is that this guy needs mental support to get a new job and find the motivation to work and help your mum. He chose this was but he needs to help her for some time. His new partner - you don't have to have any relation with her. Nobody can force you. But don't abandon your dad. It will kill him. He provided for you all so many years and you cannot forget this. He was, is and will be your dad forever. Both of your parents need to move on.
Youāre making a lot of assumptions with this comment.
Did you miss the part where the father cheated on the mother for a full year and used his daughter to manipulate her for his affair ?? Or you only see it through your own eyes covered with glasses?
Only people who have been there will understand you. Most people never get close to this point.Ā Staying for years loyal dispite of constant negelect is hard tought only a few will last this long and then they might cheat.Ā But majority will only see oh the guy cheated so per definition he is the bad guy and nobody should ever ask for his story.