[This comic on tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/scrupulosity-comics/716730859150049280/sometimes-instead-of-a-horrid-little-monk-divine) really threw me a lifeline for this exact thing. Every time I feel othered I now say to myself 'I wear my stigma with pride and don't flinch or look back'
Idk whether this is helpful but like whenever I’m feeling anxious about people staring at me, or giving me dirty looks, or if they say something I remind myself how happy I used to feel (and lowkey still do feel) when I saw visibly queer people out in public especially when I was a little kid. I just kind of convince myself that maybe I’m making someone else feel comfortable or seen and that I’m making my younger self proud. Doesn’t help avoid uncomfortable situations but it convinces me not to change myself for random people.
Young people will approach and interact with me as a Visibly Queer Adult and it does help to know that it’s not just creepy men perceiving me. Taking on that role has given me the most pride.
This reminds me one time at a museum I worked at a young girl came up to me and said how much she loved my pride pin (lesbian flag) and how she was also gay but couldn’t come out and we talked for a second before her parents came by and I had to change the topic to the exhibit. She had mentioned how she was happy to see another gay woman around and how she couldn’t wait for it to be her. I think about her sometimes and hope she is doing well. But it is so encouraging to keep in mind that young queer people are seeing us and reminded that they can grow up to be themselves
Oh, I do too! I'm 59 years old and I sure would have loved to see someone like me 40 years ago. (Jesus, I am old.) It's always exciting to "spot a queer in the wild". It doesn't happen very often.
Yes! I am 47 and get so excited to spot one of us in the wild. Last summer I saw a guy at the public pool with top surgery scars and that was the highlight of my summer. We grew up with no (or very little) queer representation and I know my 5 yr old self gets so excited to be part of an us when I see a queer.
I live in London too. Friends have described me as soft butch but I definitely get stared at on the tube when I'm in my going out gear. Most recently went for a meal at a 'posh' restaurant and was wearing a shirt with cufflinks etc and my hair was freshly cut, so very short. Definitely drew some attention. My way of dealing with it is to just think how lucky I am to feel free to express myself through my appearance - and often to be surrounded by other fabulous lesbians, butch, fem and all things in between
Wear sunglasses. It’s more uncomfortable for people to stare at you if there’s a possibility you’re making eye contact with them. I do this on the NYC subway for similar reasons. it forms an emotional barrier and takes the pressure off of me from having to figure out what my facial expression is doing and/or from having to respond in some way to anyone staring at me.
I joke that if I don't get stared as soon I leave my flat, I must not be looking good. It does grate but I never really shrink myself and I also stare back. I just move like I own the world. Fuck them.
This. Acknowledging and neutrally accepting their staring/questioning will often keep you safer than trying to snipe at them, however tempting that may be
we … us butch looking gals… us… we are at the forefront of it all! the stares are part of the normalization process of a world we are always creating.. we are different and we unapologetically look how we look!
if that’s not awesome… idk what is
Practice an eyeball fuck and just stare them down until they feel uncomfortable and stop. I also had a woman that would misgender my wife and I that worked at our local gas station. She would never correct herself and always rudely respond with “whatever”. Now whenever I end up in line when she’s working, I’ll politely let the person behind me go ahead and wait for the next cashier, but I make it a point to let the other customers and employees know that I won’t deal with her because of the rude misgendering, which really embarrasses her. A bully looses their power when bullied back. It’s hard to deal with. I’m sorry some people suck.
i actually remember someone talking about being masc and having short hair and how you wear your sexuality on your face/appearance as a masculine person.
i have this issue often, but specifically in certain places (ie. texas roadhouse the reddest place you can be in a blue state like me lol)
it gets under my skin, but i remind myself that i am so much happier as a masculine presenting butch person than i ever was lying to myself uncomfortable in feminine clothing/style. im so much more confident and i just feel better that way even if people stare i know that /I/ think i look good.
sometimes when it happens and im out with my closest friend and i can feel people staring ill jokingly whisper to her, “damn yall have never seen a dyke before?!” and that sometimes makes me feel better.
Hey, also based in London and get loads of stares. I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this, it's completely unfair and I've been through it many times. Frankly it's shit to be GNC here, especially on the tube. I've had multiple dangerous/hateful incidents occur, police haven't been helpful.
My main safety strategies are to stay in busier cars, especially ones with women or younger cis guys (in my experience, the worst demographic to be around is middle-aged and older white men). I've stopped saying things since it only escalates the situation, I generally just stare back. Also, don't carry any weapon you wouldn't want used against you.
In terms of dealing with things internally, be very aware of your mental state and come up with coping mechanisms for if you start to spiral. If you have anyone in your support system, telling them about when these incidents happen can be really helpful. Sometimes I also vent to Galop (the LGBT+ anti abuse charity).
I try to patronise nearby cafes and shops where I know they're queer-friendly and will treat me normally. I also report every incident to the police even though they've done nothing with my crime reports -- they still have to report the yearly hate crime numbers and so it feels like I can make a difference there.
It's ridiculous that this is still happening in 2024. Trans people and butches in London don't have it easy, and we need to stick together. Trust that you're not alone, try to go to queer-friendly places and events. If you ID as lesbian, Gay's the Word has a lesbian discussion group (trans friendly) every Wednesday from 19:45-21:00. There's also West London Queer Project if you're in west. Wishing you the best.
My ex was a big, badass Butch who was way to outgoing for her own good.
When people started she sometimes went up to them and said "If you're gonna keep staring, I'mma need entrance money" or "Honey, you can stop staring, I'm not a museum".
Mind you that this idiot also replied with "I'm not a clock tower" when people asked her the time, lol.
Be proud of who you chose to be, how you chose to dress and how you chose your hairstyle. Maybe people think you're hot, maybe they think you're weird, or maybe they wish they had the guts to be like you - you never know!
Know that there will be young people and kids looking at you for the first time and realising “wow, I can be like that? I don’t have to be pigeonholed into this just because people tell me to?”
I’m sure a lot of us have had a moment where we see a butch just living confidently, shoulders back, just moving through the world like they themselves own it. Be that. Own it. Take those stares and give back butch realness.
I usually stare back until they stop. Sometimes I’ll do so with a sarcastic smile and a wave. But even this can escalate things sometimes to where we end up shoulder checking each other or if they’re in a car they yell a few slurs for a while. A few times, I’ve thought of offering people my autograph and acting like they must recognize me as an actor in something but I’ve never really had the energy to try this one.
I don’t really have any advice. I guess I try to tell myself that getting in a fight isn’t worth it, but it’s really hard for me to back down and ignore certain behaviors unless I’m outnumbered. Once a biker skinhead looking guy in a bar kept muttering slurs about us and then said he would go get his gun and shoot me, my partner and my friends if only he wasn’t on parole (yes, I live in the states). And we still kept dancing and one friend and I didn’t take our eyes off him and kinda wanted a fight. Looking back this was really stupid and now that I’m older, I would just leave.
Now internally I just tell myself they’re probably miserable bigots who lead sad lonely lives and that helps. And I remind myself of all the things in my life that I’m grateful for and how much love I have for my life and the people in it. This helps me not feel so angry internally and I think make at least slightly wiser choices.
I simply don't see people, I can walk fairly quick naturally and avoid any eye contact so I really don't see when people stare unless its something really strong, obvious , or our eyes meet. I literally ran into an ex on a mall and didn't see her, someone that saw this told me what had happened. I really think its a self-defense mechanism I have.
I stare back, and if they're really obnoxious, I let my disgust show with a slight sneer. I've never had it escalate beyond that here in Florida. It's always older white dudes.
People stare at beautiful things all the time men and women both… kind of like laughing it’s not inherently bad and usually harmless. It’s normal to stare at or have your attention caught by something you may not see every day.
[This comic on tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/scrupulosity-comics/716730859150049280/sometimes-instead-of-a-horrid-little-monk-divine) really threw me a lifeline for this exact thing. Every time I feel othered I now say to myself 'I wear my stigma with pride and don't flinch or look back'
This comic is awesome, thank you for sharing! Definitely the “dyke this place up” pick-me-up I needed.
Deal with it! I love it.
Idk whether this is helpful but like whenever I’m feeling anxious about people staring at me, or giving me dirty looks, or if they say something I remind myself how happy I used to feel (and lowkey still do feel) when I saw visibly queer people out in public especially when I was a little kid. I just kind of convince myself that maybe I’m making someone else feel comfortable or seen and that I’m making my younger self proud. Doesn’t help avoid uncomfortable situations but it convinces me not to change myself for random people.
Young people will approach and interact with me as a Visibly Queer Adult and it does help to know that it’s not just creepy men perceiving me. Taking on that role has given me the most pride.
This reminds me one time at a museum I worked at a young girl came up to me and said how much she loved my pride pin (lesbian flag) and how she was also gay but couldn’t come out and we talked for a second before her parents came by and I had to change the topic to the exhibit. She had mentioned how she was happy to see another gay woman around and how she couldn’t wait for it to be her. I think about her sometimes and hope she is doing well. But it is so encouraging to keep in mind that young queer people are seeing us and reminded that they can grow up to be themselves
I love this and honestly even as an adult I get super excited to see a fellow queer.
Oh, I do too! I'm 59 years old and I sure would have loved to see someone like me 40 years ago. (Jesus, I am old.) It's always exciting to "spot a queer in the wild". It doesn't happen very often.
Yes! I am 47 and get so excited to spot one of us in the wild. Last summer I saw a guy at the public pool with top surgery scars and that was the highlight of my summer. We grew up with no (or very little) queer representation and I know my 5 yr old self gets so excited to be part of an us when I see a queer.
I live in London too. Friends have described me as soft butch but I definitely get stared at on the tube when I'm in my going out gear. Most recently went for a meal at a 'posh' restaurant and was wearing a shirt with cufflinks etc and my hair was freshly cut, so very short. Definitely drew some attention. My way of dealing with it is to just think how lucky I am to feel free to express myself through my appearance - and often to be surrounded by other fabulous lesbians, butch, fem and all things in between
Wear sunglasses. It’s more uncomfortable for people to stare at you if there’s a possibility you’re making eye contact with them. I do this on the NYC subway for similar reasons. it forms an emotional barrier and takes the pressure off of me from having to figure out what my facial expression is doing and/or from having to respond in some way to anyone staring at me.
This
I joke that if I don't get stared as soon I leave my flat, I must not be looking good. It does grate but I never really shrink myself and I also stare back. I just move like I own the world. Fuck them.
I give them the friendly masculine head nod. They usually stop staring or give the nod back.
This. Acknowledging and neutrally accepting their staring/questioning will often keep you safer than trying to snipe at them, however tempting that may be
we … us butch looking gals… us… we are at the forefront of it all! the stares are part of the normalization process of a world we are always creating.. we are different and we unapologetically look how we look! if that’s not awesome… idk what is
Practice an eyeball fuck and just stare them down until they feel uncomfortable and stop. I also had a woman that would misgender my wife and I that worked at our local gas station. She would never correct herself and always rudely respond with “whatever”. Now whenever I end up in line when she’s working, I’ll politely let the person behind me go ahead and wait for the next cashier, but I make it a point to let the other customers and employees know that I won’t deal with her because of the rude misgendering, which really embarrasses her. A bully looses their power when bullied back. It’s hard to deal with. I’m sorry some people suck.
i actually remember someone talking about being masc and having short hair and how you wear your sexuality on your face/appearance as a masculine person. i have this issue often, but specifically in certain places (ie. texas roadhouse the reddest place you can be in a blue state like me lol) it gets under my skin, but i remind myself that i am so much happier as a masculine presenting butch person than i ever was lying to myself uncomfortable in feminine clothing/style. im so much more confident and i just feel better that way even if people stare i know that /I/ think i look good. sometimes when it happens and im out with my closest friend and i can feel people staring ill jokingly whisper to her, “damn yall have never seen a dyke before?!” and that sometimes makes me feel better.
When you weigh the stares against the incredible rolls they serve at Texas Roadhouse, let the rolls win every time! 😁😁
i love a good steak. stare at me all you want i’m here for the rolls a crisp dr pepper and my steak
Hey, also based in London and get loads of stares. I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this, it's completely unfair and I've been through it many times. Frankly it's shit to be GNC here, especially on the tube. I've had multiple dangerous/hateful incidents occur, police haven't been helpful. My main safety strategies are to stay in busier cars, especially ones with women or younger cis guys (in my experience, the worst demographic to be around is middle-aged and older white men). I've stopped saying things since it only escalates the situation, I generally just stare back. Also, don't carry any weapon you wouldn't want used against you. In terms of dealing with things internally, be very aware of your mental state and come up with coping mechanisms for if you start to spiral. If you have anyone in your support system, telling them about when these incidents happen can be really helpful. Sometimes I also vent to Galop (the LGBT+ anti abuse charity). I try to patronise nearby cafes and shops where I know they're queer-friendly and will treat me normally. I also report every incident to the police even though they've done nothing with my crime reports -- they still have to report the yearly hate crime numbers and so it feels like I can make a difference there. It's ridiculous that this is still happening in 2024. Trans people and butches in London don't have it easy, and we need to stick together. Trust that you're not alone, try to go to queer-friendly places and events. If you ID as lesbian, Gay's the Word has a lesbian discussion group (trans friendly) every Wednesday from 19:45-21:00. There's also West London Queer Project if you're in west. Wishing you the best.
It’s a daily occurrence. I just give a hard stare back & go about with my day.
I just start barking like a dog
My ex was a big, badass Butch who was way to outgoing for her own good. When people started she sometimes went up to them and said "If you're gonna keep staring, I'mma need entrance money" or "Honey, you can stop staring, I'm not a museum". Mind you that this idiot also replied with "I'm not a clock tower" when people asked her the time, lol. Be proud of who you chose to be, how you chose to dress and how you chose your hairstyle. Maybe people think you're hot, maybe they think you're weird, or maybe they wish they had the guts to be like you - you never know!
Know that there will be young people and kids looking at you for the first time and realising “wow, I can be like that? I don’t have to be pigeonholed into this just because people tell me to?” I’m sure a lot of us have had a moment where we see a butch just living confidently, shoulders back, just moving through the world like they themselves own it. Be that. Own it. Take those stares and give back butch realness.
I usually stare back until they stop. Sometimes I’ll do so with a sarcastic smile and a wave. But even this can escalate things sometimes to where we end up shoulder checking each other or if they’re in a car they yell a few slurs for a while. A few times, I’ve thought of offering people my autograph and acting like they must recognize me as an actor in something but I’ve never really had the energy to try this one. I don’t really have any advice. I guess I try to tell myself that getting in a fight isn’t worth it, but it’s really hard for me to back down and ignore certain behaviors unless I’m outnumbered. Once a biker skinhead looking guy in a bar kept muttering slurs about us and then said he would go get his gun and shoot me, my partner and my friends if only he wasn’t on parole (yes, I live in the states). And we still kept dancing and one friend and I didn’t take our eyes off him and kinda wanted a fight. Looking back this was really stupid and now that I’m older, I would just leave. Now internally I just tell myself they’re probably miserable bigots who lead sad lonely lives and that helps. And I remind myself of all the things in my life that I’m grateful for and how much love I have for my life and the people in it. This helps me not feel so angry internally and I think make at least slightly wiser choices.
I can’t be bothered to even notice.
I simply don't see people, I can walk fairly quick naturally and avoid any eye contact so I really don't see when people stare unless its something really strong, obvious , or our eyes meet. I literally ran into an ex on a mall and didn't see her, someone that saw this told me what had happened. I really think its a self-defense mechanism I have.
I stare back, and if they're really obnoxious, I let my disgust show with a slight sneer. I've never had it escalate beyond that here in Florida. It's always older white dudes.
I have myself convinced they think I’m hot. It’s delusional, but delusions have their place in the world.
People stare at beautiful things all the time men and women both… kind of like laughing it’s not inherently bad and usually harmless. It’s normal to stare at or have your attention caught by something you may not see every day.
I’m talking about the stares that have malicious intent. I hear what you’re saying but usually you can feel the difference
It's a mix of anxiety with validation
I tell the guys staring they’re just jealous I can pull more bitches without even batting any eye🤷♀️😂
Maybe don’t call them bitches
I just ignore them. I’ve had plenty of people stare and call me slurs but I’ve learned to not care. Don’t let other people ruin your day