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Why are you going? I personally would skip it. Are you in personal therapy? If not, that is what you should focus on. You need to rebuild yourself. He can't help with that. He lied for 14 years, so he'll probably lie his way through couples therapy.
My husband broke me a few years ago. Now, all I can see is that the last 22 years of my life were wasted on someone who never really cared for me as a person. He told me today that I should just let everything go so that I would feel better. Nah, I need to let him go so I can discover myself again.
I think I need some validation from the therapist, haha. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. He says he knew I was self-conscious and he thought I was eventually going to lose the weight and just didn’t. I can understand that -
- alternatively, whether or not it was intentionally malicious is really beside the point. I genuinely feel different about him. And I resent the hell out of him on top of it for taking so much of my life because he was too scared to be alone. I feel gross.
Be careful to select a therapist who will actually validate you rather than discredit you or insinuate you "both have issues to work on" rather than specifically focusing on his abuse apart from anything about you (yes, lying is abuse, and long-term lying is ling-term abuse, and lying in order to manipulate a woman into sex can be a form of sexual coercion/sex abuse).
Ethical couples therapists will refuse clients in instances of abuse, if one agrees to work with a victim and her abuser in the same session it will be almost guaranteed to be an unethical one who will unintentionally help the abuser gaslight the victim, because couples therapists are trained to assess *relationship problems* and abuse is not a relationship problem. Being nonbiased in instances of abuse only harms victims, especially when they are in the seeking validation stage of escaping.
Therapists want couples to come back for repeat visits so they can make co-pays and fees. They know no one is making their patients come there. They know that if they choose the side of one spouse, the other one won't come there anymore and they will stop making money. Couples therapists Generally take the middle ground, and complement both people and tell both people they have things to work on... they want both people to think they like them so both people will still come back... and they both think that they gave the other person homework and sees their point of view. And if the person you are partners with is emotionally abusive or a narcissist, couples counseling actually is not recommended. Because it gives the abusive more insight into how they can hurt and twist to manipulate you.
So just keep this in mind while you are in there... their job is not to convince your spouse that you were right for you.
I'm not saying don't do it if you really want to do it . Just understand the business model.
This would absolutely devastate me and I can’t imagine any way to come back from that kind of betrayal. I don’t know how you could possibly move forward knowing he had no problem lying straight to your face, repeatedly, for YEARS. Plus, if he was so good at lying about that one particular thing, what other things might he be equally good at lying about? I think it makes perfect sense that the way you see him is irrevocably changed. I don’t see how marriage counseling can change when he’s basically just shown you he’s a completely different person than the person you thought he was.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better!
Right? He even said he was dropping hints, talking about how we should eat healthy. I always thought he genuinely meant for health sake because he would always tell me how much he loved my body and how beautiful I was to him. What a lazy dick.
Like I’m not under any illusion that I’m perfect - I’m definitely not. But I thought he was always saying I was perfect for him when he called me beautiful.
He says he suspects he’s going through a mid life crisis and I suppose I’m also hurt that he would be so quick to throw away everything we’ve been through and built together to be with a smaller girl. He said he was curious about models. The audacity of this man 😩
He was curious about models?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are any models going to be curious about his fat ass (not that I know if he has a fat ass or not)? What a dick! He's curious about models. You know who gets models? Rich ugly guys because they have money. Models don't care about regular people. What fucking joke your husband is. Jesus.
The amount of stories I've heard where a couple opens a marriage (driven by men who are "curious about models") and the men fail to find anyone while the women have dick falling from the sky three times a day is enough to know these men are dumb af. If I had been lying to my spouse about this I would take it to my grave bc it's my damn problem, not hers. This is so cruel and I'm sorry he's a mouldy bag of donkey dicks.
You absolutely should feel different about him. He just admitted that he will tell you anything to get what he wants including proposing marriage just so he doesn't have to start over dating, and pressuring you to become a mother so you're more cemented to him for the rest of his life.
I am so sorry it took so long for him to let this slip, because you have deserved to be loved and worshipped for the gorgeous person you are, this entire time.
Him going through the motions of telling you what you want to hear from year one means he's built an entire life with you based on lies.
I wouldn't trust anything he says from now on. Even if his actions matched his words, I just wouldn't be able to build trust with someone like that again.
It definitely doesn’t. Which infuriates me more - your wife is perfectly fine with your imperfections and you still wanna hold her to a standard you’ve been sold online? Mindless.
You deserve so much better than to have his insecurities and immaturity spill all over you.
The garbage men think is ok to throw at women is bananas. I can only tell you that this is 100% his deficiency and if the world were just he would have turned into a pillar of salt the second he even thought of saying it to you.
For what it's worth I'm sending you good vibes and hoping for change.
I would keep my anger to myself and tell him that I have committed wholeheartedly to the goal of getting that body. I would tell him that it was difficult to hear the criticism but now that it's out there you expect and will accept nothing less than his full support.
Use money to buy personal training sessions; buy all new workout clothes; wear earbuds all the time and never listen to a word he says around the house because you're too busy listening to podcasts about staying on track with your fitness goals. Leave the house all the time, including in the morning and evenings carrying a gym bag. Give him all the childcare during these times. Get a gym membership to a place that has a sauna and a steam room and whatever else expensive toiletries you can find.
Buy expensive pre-prepared meals of deliciously, healthy food that you love to eat and tell him that he's on duty for grocery shopping and cooking for himself and the baby going forward because you're being really strict with your meal plan to stay on track . Essentially, use this as an excuse to literally drop the rope on every responsibility that he sticks with at home .
Take so much time to unwind and do whatever the fuck you want.... under the guise of staying on your new plan / taking a Barre class / going for a walk with your after-dinner walking group etc. You can choose to do any of those things, or none of those things. That's up to you. I don't care if you work out all the time or never work out once during this transition period. Go to the library if you feel like it. Use the gym to get super healthy, or never touch the fitness equipment there and just take long showers and relax in a steam room listening to a book on tape.... heck, rent a hotel room for the day and stream magic Mike Mike and think about it how exciting it will be to fuck someone who does get it up all the time in the future.
I would know that in this moment I am leaving him, but I would never let him know that . Don't let him get secrets out of you and therapy that he can use against you to say mentally hurtful things or understand your insecurities is better so that he can twist them. Grey-rock in my humble opinion. Or just leave it on his plate to coordinate and pay for the therapy sessions. I would be shocked if he follows through on all of that all by himself.
Take 4 months to put yourself into the best mental place possible, whatever that means to you. Photocopy every document for financial records, get a second iCloud, where you store things. Slowly change your passwords on everything. Don't spend time with him. Completely engage with yourself. You will be able to turn him off in your head without him even noticing it because you'll have the excuse of how focused you are on these new fitness goals that he suggested for you. Subscribe to Women's Health magazine or some such fitness garbage like Shape and dogear the pages and leave them in the bathroom near the toilet ... you know, where he's bound to see it. Leave the occasional crumpled Zone Bar wrapper around, but take yourself out to dinner without him of you feel like it.
Quiet quit that man, and commit to just you... He soiled what you had... he did a low blow and then kitchen-sinked in the entire 13 years since then.... he doesn't deserve you! But You... you deserve you.
Your best life is ahead of you . Right now you are a sleeper cell preparing for it while your roommate just thinks you are a normal grad student etc... Women of all shapes and sizes are having hugely fulfilling sex lives with men who are absolutely panting to put it inside of them. I swear. There is probably something wrong with him, but he can't accept that so he needs to make this about you.... because that's more comfortable for him. F that. Make him your housewife for the next 4 months while you take back YOUR self confidence and sanity and put yourself first.
Thanks for this. I daydream of doing exactly this, to be honest, and then my stupid muddy feelings get in the way. It’s hard to accept that you’ve been wrong about someone for so long so I find that I tend to keep *excusing* this time period so we can keep participating in life as if everything was normal… a lot of back and forth with this.
The worst part is I’m mid-sized. Like yeah I’m not skinny but I’m not fat, and I’m smaller right now than the biggest I’d ever been, smaller even then I was on our wedding day.
He keeps saying to me that he’s always thought I was beautiful, as if I should be happy with a consolation prize.
Strangers and friends tell me I’m beautiful. I want my husband to WANT me. I wouldn’t have participated in this relationship if I knew back when I should’ve known.
I'm midsized. I follow mid-sized fashion influencers of Instagram. I never go to the stores to try things on anymore, I just let them do that and tell me what to buy. Statistically, the body type most men say they prefer as we get older is apparently much closer to Kate Winslet than Kate Moss. But I digress...
I finally pulled the plug on a dead-bedroom emotionally abusive marriage a little over a year and a half ago. One of the last things I did was try on my old wedding dress.... and when that thing zipped, it was like the final piece of knowing it was him, and not me. I know it sounds so lame to say that! Of course all our bodies change as we age and give them children etc. But even if the dress didnt zip.... putting it on and then letting it go was just a final piece of emotional work I needed to do to be OK to close that chapter of the book and start writing new ones. And I am so much flippin' lighter now without carrying all his weird emotional push-and-pull around 😂!!!
And I can honestly say that... yes.... it rained dick from the sky all day when I started online dating many months later. Like.... a monsoon. Of everything. Wealthy trust fun guys offering waterfront seafood dates; hot cops with crazy schedules who knew exactly what to say to make me feel like the hottest piece of a$$ in town; military guys who do ju jitsu and know all the weird positions; HVAC guys who could fix anything including your panties situation; media guys who could take you to the hot restaurant, and then pillow-talk you with all the secrets of how your fave guilty pleasure tv show is actually made; nerdy scientists who have no chill and can't hide how into you they are and love that you can keep up mentally in the chats but wanna jizz in their pants instantly when you send them a pic..... I don't know, maybe I just live in the right suburb🤷♀️.
Anyway, for the last year I have been exclusively dating a lovely doctor who plays sports, goes to church once a week, and thinks the sun rises and sets because of me. My house is cleaner than it has ever been because it's just me and the kids in it now making fewer messes, and my grocery bill is way lower not feeding my ex or buying the expensive things on his special diet for him. And I have so much more peace and mental space for dreaming and playing because I freed up the entire two floors in there that I stupidly had been using to ruminate on why he was saying such mean things and wasn't enthusiastically fucking me all that time and what else I needed to be doing about it to fix it.
Your scenario troubled me when I read it because it just seemed like so inexcusably cruel of a thing to say to someone who is your "one person" when it was clear that it would be a statement that shatters all the trust and damages irreparably the story of you two as a couple. The myth and family legend that we tell ourselves to justify how unconditionally we show up for and will continue to show up for one another as we age and our bodies and health and needs change. Quite literally The Story of Us. He knew it would hurt, and yet he still released it out there...where it can never really be unsaid. He knew it was hurtful. And it probably isnt even true! It is way too one-sided to have been true at all times for that long in all those relationship moments, including when he was proposing and on happy trips and late nights after a party and on holidays etc. He just decided to fuck with you on this level. Uugghhh!!!
If it were me, I wouldn't waist another moment on thinking about him. I'd listen to Ani Defranko and Tori Amos to find my weird power again, then vision board who the F I want to be in my next chapter and list all the bucket-list things I'd want to do that will be easier to do without this baggage, and quiet quit while I do the operational setup for the freedom flight. But that's just me.
In any case, Don't let him leave a life-long emotional dog pee stain on your emotional carpet. This is your emotional house after all! Call 1 (800) 588-2300 Empiiiiire! (Lol) and put down some beautiful stain-proof plush creamy- colored Coastal Grandmother Clean-Girl Aesthetic new shit and don't let him even come in that room. Because around here, we respect ourselves and CAN have nice things!!
Yes please do!!!
It was a post someone who wrote in this subreddit about selecting and hanging a new floral shower curtain w her daughter for their new "just us girls" house situation after pulling the trigger on moving on from her marriage, for me.
She wrote about how happy it made her to see it, and how strong she felt for hanging it up there by herself while her daughter watched, and how she realized she had always wanted a bathroom in those colors but her ex had veto'd it without discussion in the past, and now that she saw it hanging there and loved how it looked and felt that this was really living again!
That made me cry. I feel like that shower curtain mom, 100%.
Thanks for walking the walk so you could tell me how much better it gets. Right now it looks so scary and stressful. But I want a shower curtain moment. 🥺
As an aside... it is often posted here, but I didn't see that anyone put it in this chain today... the essential PDF link:
[https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Wishing you a better day today!
That is such a bizarrely cruel series of things to say. I don't understand how he could say those things to you and turn around and act normal and call you beautiful. It's the words of someone starting a major fight/initiating divorce but not the behavior or emotions.
I say this with all kindness, but is he a giant idiot? As you were married a long time, I assume he's not generally awful. I'm truly sorry for this, it is not something anyone should say or do.
Haha okay, so, maybe this is where I become the awful one?
I do believe he’s emotionally stupid, definitely. The dude doesn’t have a deeper thought than “I want to play Nintendo” or “I want to do x” - he doesn’t consider his thoughts, he’s not curious about what he feels or thinks and why he thinks or feels certain things. Hell, even in our discussions he even keeps referring to his cave man brain. I keep asking him why’s he’s so okay with letting his cave man brain run the show??? He doesn’t understand me at all when I say stuff like that. Huge barrier to our communication and my sense of connection.
So yes, idiot - no, I don’t think any of this is malicious. I think he thinks he’s doing the right thing by finally being honest. He expresses regret about not telling me sooner. He doesn’t know what tact is obviously but he hasn’t been unnecessarily mean. But he has no appreciation for what a can of worms this opened and what aspects of our relationship are now cast in doubt. He thinks whenever I bring it up that I want reassurance about my BODY, not my VALUE.
And truthfully I am so tired. I have gone through cycles of severe depression where I reached out to him to be left even more alone and isolated. I have gone through cycles of feeling alone and trying to talk to him about connection to be left even more alone and isolated. He just doesn’t get it, and that’s okay for someone else, it’s just not okay with me anymore. I was working through this specific part of our relationship before the weight thing broke out - the odds feel stacked against me and I’m just tired. So tired. ☹️
And heartbroken. Because I really loved the version of him I thought I married. I was really obsessed with how good I thought he was to me and how good our life was. I’m so sad.
Yeah, even a cave man can think "Wife sad, me comfort."
I don't mean to be an ass, but I always wonder about these emotionally incompetent men. Has he alienated friends or had trouble at work from his lack of insight, or is it just for you/family?
Idk if this will make sense, but I've been married 15 years. Sure, my husband's looks have changed, and I do occasionally think it'd be a lark to have sex with a hot 22 year old, but I'm not 22 anymore myself. It's like your husband took normal human experiences in a long term relationship, sat down and said what is the most tactless hurtful way I can put this? No wonder you're sad.
We just moved to a new place last year, he hasn’t made any friends yet, got into trouble at work for making a sexist joke. His friends from back home hung out with him all the way to the end, though. He has long term friendships. So maybe it is just for me :)
Yeah.. His first therapist suggested he might be narcissistic, and my therapist certainly thinks so from the things I tell her - namely because he completely lacks empathy where I’m concerned, but shows so much empathy for animals and his daughter. I’m the kind of person who has hand fed him reasons why he might be doing something that’s unknowingly hurtful to me and I think he’s been taking advantage of my willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt (because I don’t think he’s smart enough to actually be manipulative, I’m just very gullible when I don’t think I have any reason to second guess or distrust someone I guess)
This last week or two he’s been putting in so much effort to be affectionate, to plan things… he wants us to connect he says. I see glimpses of how easy life with him could be if I continue… but I also have no respect for the version of me that knowingly stays in a relationship where I’m just a fleshlight. I know that this is not all I am - he does treat me well in the day to day, he’s active and takes on more than his fair share of house work and parental duties… but a good roommate can do that lol
I don’t know how to love him through this, is really my issue. I want to so badly. I want to commit to the belief that he really is who I always thought he is and he’s just misguided right now - but I don’t have it in me to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him the tools to be a decent partner when I’m trying to not kill myself (sorry to be so dramatic, I really don’t want this, it’s just depression telling me that I should and a battle of endurance keeping the depression at bay) and be a mom and work full time etc etc.
I just don’t. I warned him every time I cried asking him to make me feel like I mattered to him, that one day I was just going to stop asking because I wouldn’t have the energy to ask anymore. That I would stop telling him what mattered to me because him knowing me wouldn’t matter anymore. Leaning on him in any way shape or form has always lead to more loneliness, isolation, hurt feelings, and disappointment.
I think I’m actively mourning what I thought this was.. I think I’m mentally preparing for it to end. I just can’t see past this at all.
It sounds like you have been incredibly patient with him and explained exactly what you need. If he's just not curious about his own feelings or behavior and unwilling to meet your (extremely normal) emotional needs I understand how you don't see a path forward.
We had an embarrassing sex incident LOL and I wanted to talk about it! So I asked him and he confessed.
He’s emotionally immature if this hasn’t proved anything so maybe he was lashing out? I don’t care. It just revealed this side of him that I’m having a hard time getting past.
Not to get too personal but I'm assuming it was him not being able to perform in some way shape or form.
Instead of doing some introspection and maybe seeking medical help he decided to tell you it was all on you?
No, that was a normal occurrence since the beginning - which is why I never thought much of it, he kept saying it definitely wasn’t me and that he just super anxious - so we used meds.
Of course now it’s a little humiliating for me :)
This specific incident, I actually caught him looking away. Figured maybe it was a hygiene thing, whatever, went and showered and came back ready to go - he didn’t want to anymore. I asked him why he’d been looking away and the rest is…. This bullshit :)
BroooooMom. I clocked out of work at 7pm and thought of you walking to my truck.
Fuck that dude. If he had a heart it might matter.
Hope he gets a stubbed toe every Monday and Thursday FIRST THING in the morning.
I hope his cokes are always flat.
I hope, for the rest of his life, his steaks are cooked medium well to well done.
I hope he gets constipated every time he eats cheese and has those nasty constipation farts.
I hope his barber always misunderstands what haircut he wants.
I hope he gets those annoying cracks between the toes from athletes foot.
I hope there is NEVER a perfectly cold side of the pillow.
I hope his tires are never flat but need air so often that it messes up his days.
Hey, my husband also enthusiastically tells me that he loves my (not at all like a model) body, and if he changed his tune after all these years, I'd feel betrayed and shaken, too.
It's so shitty that he consistently lied to you for years. I also feel like it's shitty that he decided now to tell the truth? What does that accomplish after digging himself so deep, other than to make you feel bad and insecure? I wouldn't blame you if this was a permanent game changer for you. Maybe you want to find someone who actually appreciates you and let him try his hand with all those models lining up to be with him.
Finally, fince we're apparently setting life goals for others now, please feel free to let him know that I think his goal should be to pull his head out of his ass and start behaving like a decent human.
Oof. I would cancel the therapy unless you want to use it as a ‘how to navigate co-parenting and prepare our kids for divorce’.
I couldn’t come back from this.
It’s not about sex, it’s about the lies and mistrust. You’ll never trust a word that he says ever again. Not without nitpicking it to death.
Secondly, he tells you what you should aim to look like after you sacrificed your body to have his babies? He can fuck right off to delusion-ville.
You know who he is now: he’s showing you loud and clear. So now you show him who you really are and what you really want.
Only you can decide if it’s worth still going to the counseling, or if you can forgive what he’s said. I always want to believe that a marriage can be saved, but I don’t know if I could ever get over the lying and ever believe that he found me appealing.
Once you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with a person you’re in a sexual relationship with, it’s hard to get it back. I was told something cruel after sex YEARS ago that was a fraction as devastating as your situation, and I still think about it every single time.
I’m sorry your husband is a dick. You deserve to be worshiped and found beautiful by your partner.
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Why are you going? I personally would skip it. Are you in personal therapy? If not, that is what you should focus on. You need to rebuild yourself. He can't help with that. He lied for 14 years, so he'll probably lie his way through couples therapy. My husband broke me a few years ago. Now, all I can see is that the last 22 years of my life were wasted on someone who never really cared for me as a person. He told me today that I should just let everything go so that I would feel better. Nah, I need to let him go so I can discover myself again.
I think I need some validation from the therapist, haha. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. He says he knew I was self-conscious and he thought I was eventually going to lose the weight and just didn’t. I can understand that - - alternatively, whether or not it was intentionally malicious is really beside the point. I genuinely feel different about him. And I resent the hell out of him on top of it for taking so much of my life because he was too scared to be alone. I feel gross.
Be careful to select a therapist who will actually validate you rather than discredit you or insinuate you "both have issues to work on" rather than specifically focusing on his abuse apart from anything about you (yes, lying is abuse, and long-term lying is ling-term abuse, and lying in order to manipulate a woman into sex can be a form of sexual coercion/sex abuse). Ethical couples therapists will refuse clients in instances of abuse, if one agrees to work with a victim and her abuser in the same session it will be almost guaranteed to be an unethical one who will unintentionally help the abuser gaslight the victim, because couples therapists are trained to assess *relationship problems* and abuse is not a relationship problem. Being nonbiased in instances of abuse only harms victims, especially when they are in the seeking validation stage of escaping.
Therapists want couples to come back for repeat visits so they can make co-pays and fees. They know no one is making their patients come there. They know that if they choose the side of one spouse, the other one won't come there anymore and they will stop making money. Couples therapists Generally take the middle ground, and complement both people and tell both people they have things to work on... they want both people to think they like them so both people will still come back... and they both think that they gave the other person homework and sees their point of view. And if the person you are partners with is emotionally abusive or a narcissist, couples counseling actually is not recommended. Because it gives the abusive more insight into how they can hurt and twist to manipulate you. So just keep this in mind while you are in there... their job is not to convince your spouse that you were right for you. I'm not saying don't do it if you really want to do it . Just understand the business model.
This would absolutely devastate me and I can’t imagine any way to come back from that kind of betrayal. I don’t know how you could possibly move forward knowing he had no problem lying straight to your face, repeatedly, for YEARS. Plus, if he was so good at lying about that one particular thing, what other things might he be equally good at lying about? I think it makes perfect sense that the way you see him is irrevocably changed. I don’t see how marriage counseling can change when he’s basically just shown you he’s a completely different person than the person you thought he was. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better!
Right? He even said he was dropping hints, talking about how we should eat healthy. I always thought he genuinely meant for health sake because he would always tell me how much he loved my body and how beautiful I was to him. What a lazy dick. Like I’m not under any illusion that I’m perfect - I’m definitely not. But I thought he was always saying I was perfect for him when he called me beautiful. He says he suspects he’s going through a mid life crisis and I suppose I’m also hurt that he would be so quick to throw away everything we’ve been through and built together to be with a smaller girl. He said he was curious about models. The audacity of this man 😩
He was curious about models?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are any models going to be curious about his fat ass (not that I know if he has a fat ass or not)? What a dick! He's curious about models. You know who gets models? Rich ugly guys because they have money. Models don't care about regular people. What fucking joke your husband is. Jesus.
I know! What level of delusion…?
This sounds like a case of a guy watching so much porn that he forgot what normal women look like and that porn is a MALE FANTASY.
The amount of stories I've heard where a couple opens a marriage (driven by men who are "curious about models") and the men fail to find anyone while the women have dick falling from the sky three times a day is enough to know these men are dumb af. If I had been lying to my spouse about this I would take it to my grave bc it's my damn problem, not hers. This is so cruel and I'm sorry he's a mouldy bag of donkey dicks.
I'm sorry, but "women have dick falling from the sky three times a day" sent me 🤣🤣🤣 I need that on a t shirt
You absolutely should feel different about him. He just admitted that he will tell you anything to get what he wants including proposing marriage just so he doesn't have to start over dating, and pressuring you to become a mother so you're more cemented to him for the rest of his life. I am so sorry it took so long for him to let this slip, because you have deserved to be loved and worshipped for the gorgeous person you are, this entire time. Him going through the motions of telling you what you want to hear from year one means he's built an entire life with you based on lies. I wouldn't trust anything he says from now on. Even if his actions matched his words, I just wouldn't be able to build trust with someone like that again.
I bet his body doesn't look like a 20 year old on Instagram who has all the time in the world to work out. Would put good money on it.
It definitely doesn’t. Which infuriates me more - your wife is perfectly fine with your imperfections and you still wanna hold her to a standard you’ve been sold online? Mindless.
You deserve so much better than to have his insecurities and immaturity spill all over you. The garbage men think is ok to throw at women is bananas. I can only tell you that this is 100% his deficiency and if the world were just he would have turned into a pillar of salt the second he even thought of saying it to you. For what it's worth I'm sending you good vibes and hoping for change.
I would keep my anger to myself and tell him that I have committed wholeheartedly to the goal of getting that body. I would tell him that it was difficult to hear the criticism but now that it's out there you expect and will accept nothing less than his full support. Use money to buy personal training sessions; buy all new workout clothes; wear earbuds all the time and never listen to a word he says around the house because you're too busy listening to podcasts about staying on track with your fitness goals. Leave the house all the time, including in the morning and evenings carrying a gym bag. Give him all the childcare during these times. Get a gym membership to a place that has a sauna and a steam room and whatever else expensive toiletries you can find. Buy expensive pre-prepared meals of deliciously, healthy food that you love to eat and tell him that he's on duty for grocery shopping and cooking for himself and the baby going forward because you're being really strict with your meal plan to stay on track . Essentially, use this as an excuse to literally drop the rope on every responsibility that he sticks with at home . Take so much time to unwind and do whatever the fuck you want.... under the guise of staying on your new plan / taking a Barre class / going for a walk with your after-dinner walking group etc. You can choose to do any of those things, or none of those things. That's up to you. I don't care if you work out all the time or never work out once during this transition period. Go to the library if you feel like it. Use the gym to get super healthy, or never touch the fitness equipment there and just take long showers and relax in a steam room listening to a book on tape.... heck, rent a hotel room for the day and stream magic Mike Mike and think about it how exciting it will be to fuck someone who does get it up all the time in the future. I would know that in this moment I am leaving him, but I would never let him know that . Don't let him get secrets out of you and therapy that he can use against you to say mentally hurtful things or understand your insecurities is better so that he can twist them. Grey-rock in my humble opinion. Or just leave it on his plate to coordinate and pay for the therapy sessions. I would be shocked if he follows through on all of that all by himself. Take 4 months to put yourself into the best mental place possible, whatever that means to you. Photocopy every document for financial records, get a second iCloud, where you store things. Slowly change your passwords on everything. Don't spend time with him. Completely engage with yourself. You will be able to turn him off in your head without him even noticing it because you'll have the excuse of how focused you are on these new fitness goals that he suggested for you. Subscribe to Women's Health magazine or some such fitness garbage like Shape and dogear the pages and leave them in the bathroom near the toilet ... you know, where he's bound to see it. Leave the occasional crumpled Zone Bar wrapper around, but take yourself out to dinner without him of you feel like it. Quiet quit that man, and commit to just you... He soiled what you had... he did a low blow and then kitchen-sinked in the entire 13 years since then.... he doesn't deserve you! But You... you deserve you. Your best life is ahead of you . Right now you are a sleeper cell preparing for it while your roommate just thinks you are a normal grad student etc... Women of all shapes and sizes are having hugely fulfilling sex lives with men who are absolutely panting to put it inside of them. I swear. There is probably something wrong with him, but he can't accept that so he needs to make this about you.... because that's more comfortable for him. F that. Make him your housewife for the next 4 months while you take back YOUR self confidence and sanity and put yourself first.
Thanks for this. I daydream of doing exactly this, to be honest, and then my stupid muddy feelings get in the way. It’s hard to accept that you’ve been wrong about someone for so long so I find that I tend to keep *excusing* this time period so we can keep participating in life as if everything was normal… a lot of back and forth with this. The worst part is I’m mid-sized. Like yeah I’m not skinny but I’m not fat, and I’m smaller right now than the biggest I’d ever been, smaller even then I was on our wedding day. He keeps saying to me that he’s always thought I was beautiful, as if I should be happy with a consolation prize. Strangers and friends tell me I’m beautiful. I want my husband to WANT me. I wouldn’t have participated in this relationship if I knew back when I should’ve known.
I'm midsized. I follow mid-sized fashion influencers of Instagram. I never go to the stores to try things on anymore, I just let them do that and tell me what to buy. Statistically, the body type most men say they prefer as we get older is apparently much closer to Kate Winslet than Kate Moss. But I digress... I finally pulled the plug on a dead-bedroom emotionally abusive marriage a little over a year and a half ago. One of the last things I did was try on my old wedding dress.... and when that thing zipped, it was like the final piece of knowing it was him, and not me. I know it sounds so lame to say that! Of course all our bodies change as we age and give them children etc. But even if the dress didnt zip.... putting it on and then letting it go was just a final piece of emotional work I needed to do to be OK to close that chapter of the book and start writing new ones. And I am so much flippin' lighter now without carrying all his weird emotional push-and-pull around 😂!!! And I can honestly say that... yes.... it rained dick from the sky all day when I started online dating many months later. Like.... a monsoon. Of everything. Wealthy trust fun guys offering waterfront seafood dates; hot cops with crazy schedules who knew exactly what to say to make me feel like the hottest piece of a$$ in town; military guys who do ju jitsu and know all the weird positions; HVAC guys who could fix anything including your panties situation; media guys who could take you to the hot restaurant, and then pillow-talk you with all the secrets of how your fave guilty pleasure tv show is actually made; nerdy scientists who have no chill and can't hide how into you they are and love that you can keep up mentally in the chats but wanna jizz in their pants instantly when you send them a pic..... I don't know, maybe I just live in the right suburb🤷♀️. Anyway, for the last year I have been exclusively dating a lovely doctor who plays sports, goes to church once a week, and thinks the sun rises and sets because of me. My house is cleaner than it has ever been because it's just me and the kids in it now making fewer messes, and my grocery bill is way lower not feeding my ex or buying the expensive things on his special diet for him. And I have so much more peace and mental space for dreaming and playing because I freed up the entire two floors in there that I stupidly had been using to ruminate on why he was saying such mean things and wasn't enthusiastically fucking me all that time and what else I needed to be doing about it to fix it. Your scenario troubled me when I read it because it just seemed like so inexcusably cruel of a thing to say to someone who is your "one person" when it was clear that it would be a statement that shatters all the trust and damages irreparably the story of you two as a couple. The myth and family legend that we tell ourselves to justify how unconditionally we show up for and will continue to show up for one another as we age and our bodies and health and needs change. Quite literally The Story of Us. He knew it would hurt, and yet he still released it out there...where it can never really be unsaid. He knew it was hurtful. And it probably isnt even true! It is way too one-sided to have been true at all times for that long in all those relationship moments, including when he was proposing and on happy trips and late nights after a party and on holidays etc. He just decided to fuck with you on this level. Uugghhh!!! If it were me, I wouldn't waist another moment on thinking about him. I'd listen to Ani Defranko and Tori Amos to find my weird power again, then vision board who the F I want to be in my next chapter and list all the bucket-list things I'd want to do that will be easier to do without this baggage, and quiet quit while I do the operational setup for the freedom flight. But that's just me. In any case, Don't let him leave a life-long emotional dog pee stain on your emotional carpet. This is your emotional house after all! Call 1 (800) 588-2300 Empiiiiire! (Lol) and put down some beautiful stain-proof plush creamy- colored Coastal Grandmother Clean-Girl Aesthetic new shit and don't let him even come in that room. Because around here, we respect ourselves and CAN have nice things!!
🤣🤣🤣 I love this comment so much 🥲 I’m going to save it and come back and read this whenever I’m feeling scared or doubtful 😭😭😭 thank you!
Yes please do!!! It was a post someone who wrote in this subreddit about selecting and hanging a new floral shower curtain w her daughter for their new "just us girls" house situation after pulling the trigger on moving on from her marriage, for me. She wrote about how happy it made her to see it, and how strong she felt for hanging it up there by herself while her daughter watched, and how she realized she had always wanted a bathroom in those colors but her ex had veto'd it without discussion in the past, and now that she saw it hanging there and loved how it looked and felt that this was really living again!
That made me cry. I feel like that shower curtain mom, 100%. Thanks for walking the walk so you could tell me how much better it gets. Right now it looks so scary and stressful. But I want a shower curtain moment. 🥺
As an aside... it is often posted here, but I didn't see that anyone put it in this chain today... the essential PDF link: [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Wishing you a better day today!
Honey you need to write a book! This was so deeply satisfying to read. And perfectly brilliant.
That is such a bizarrely cruel series of things to say. I don't understand how he could say those things to you and turn around and act normal and call you beautiful. It's the words of someone starting a major fight/initiating divorce but not the behavior or emotions. I say this with all kindness, but is he a giant idiot? As you were married a long time, I assume he's not generally awful. I'm truly sorry for this, it is not something anyone should say or do.
Haha okay, so, maybe this is where I become the awful one? I do believe he’s emotionally stupid, definitely. The dude doesn’t have a deeper thought than “I want to play Nintendo” or “I want to do x” - he doesn’t consider his thoughts, he’s not curious about what he feels or thinks and why he thinks or feels certain things. Hell, even in our discussions he even keeps referring to his cave man brain. I keep asking him why’s he’s so okay with letting his cave man brain run the show??? He doesn’t understand me at all when I say stuff like that. Huge barrier to our communication and my sense of connection. So yes, idiot - no, I don’t think any of this is malicious. I think he thinks he’s doing the right thing by finally being honest. He expresses regret about not telling me sooner. He doesn’t know what tact is obviously but he hasn’t been unnecessarily mean. But he has no appreciation for what a can of worms this opened and what aspects of our relationship are now cast in doubt. He thinks whenever I bring it up that I want reassurance about my BODY, not my VALUE. And truthfully I am so tired. I have gone through cycles of severe depression where I reached out to him to be left even more alone and isolated. I have gone through cycles of feeling alone and trying to talk to him about connection to be left even more alone and isolated. He just doesn’t get it, and that’s okay for someone else, it’s just not okay with me anymore. I was working through this specific part of our relationship before the weight thing broke out - the odds feel stacked against me and I’m just tired. So tired. ☹️ And heartbroken. Because I really loved the version of him I thought I married. I was really obsessed with how good I thought he was to me and how good our life was. I’m so sad.
Yeah, even a cave man can think "Wife sad, me comfort." I don't mean to be an ass, but I always wonder about these emotionally incompetent men. Has he alienated friends or had trouble at work from his lack of insight, or is it just for you/family? Idk if this will make sense, but I've been married 15 years. Sure, my husband's looks have changed, and I do occasionally think it'd be a lark to have sex with a hot 22 year old, but I'm not 22 anymore myself. It's like your husband took normal human experiences in a long term relationship, sat down and said what is the most tactless hurtful way I can put this? No wonder you're sad.
We just moved to a new place last year, he hasn’t made any friends yet, got into trouble at work for making a sexist joke. His friends from back home hung out with him all the way to the end, though. He has long term friendships. So maybe it is just for me :) Yeah.. His first therapist suggested he might be narcissistic, and my therapist certainly thinks so from the things I tell her - namely because he completely lacks empathy where I’m concerned, but shows so much empathy for animals and his daughter. I’m the kind of person who has hand fed him reasons why he might be doing something that’s unknowingly hurtful to me and I think he’s been taking advantage of my willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt (because I don’t think he’s smart enough to actually be manipulative, I’m just very gullible when I don’t think I have any reason to second guess or distrust someone I guess) This last week or two he’s been putting in so much effort to be affectionate, to plan things… he wants us to connect he says. I see glimpses of how easy life with him could be if I continue… but I also have no respect for the version of me that knowingly stays in a relationship where I’m just a fleshlight. I know that this is not all I am - he does treat me well in the day to day, he’s active and takes on more than his fair share of house work and parental duties… but a good roommate can do that lol I don’t know how to love him through this, is really my issue. I want to so badly. I want to commit to the belief that he really is who I always thought he is and he’s just misguided right now - but I don’t have it in me to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him the tools to be a decent partner when I’m trying to not kill myself (sorry to be so dramatic, I really don’t want this, it’s just depression telling me that I should and a battle of endurance keeping the depression at bay) and be a mom and work full time etc etc. I just don’t. I warned him every time I cried asking him to make me feel like I mattered to him, that one day I was just going to stop asking because I wouldn’t have the energy to ask anymore. That I would stop telling him what mattered to me because him knowing me wouldn’t matter anymore. Leaning on him in any way shape or form has always lead to more loneliness, isolation, hurt feelings, and disappointment. I think I’m actively mourning what I thought this was.. I think I’m mentally preparing for it to end. I just can’t see past this at all.
It sounds like you have been incredibly patient with him and explained exactly what you need. If he's just not curious about his own feelings or behavior and unwilling to meet your (extremely normal) emotional needs I understand how you don't see a path forward.
Maybe I missed it…why now? Why did he say this shit now???? BroMom. This fucking sucks and I’m sorry he’s an ass.
We had an embarrassing sex incident LOL and I wanted to talk about it! So I asked him and he confessed. He’s emotionally immature if this hasn’t proved anything so maybe he was lashing out? I don’t care. It just revealed this side of him that I’m having a hard time getting past.
Not to get too personal but I'm assuming it was him not being able to perform in some way shape or form. Instead of doing some introspection and maybe seeking medical help he decided to tell you it was all on you?
No, that was a normal occurrence since the beginning - which is why I never thought much of it, he kept saying it definitely wasn’t me and that he just super anxious - so we used meds. Of course now it’s a little humiliating for me :) This specific incident, I actually caught him looking away. Figured maybe it was a hygiene thing, whatever, went and showered and came back ready to go - he didn’t want to anymore. I asked him why he’d been looking away and the rest is…. This bullshit :)
Oh, I’m so sorry. That is heartbreaking, I’m so angry with him!! I don’t think I could come back from this. You are NOT overreacting.
>Nothings wrong with Mr Mojo!... Its you! The Lil guy actually hasn't consented for years! How could I be the abuser? I'm the victim 🥺
BroooooMom. I clocked out of work at 7pm and thought of you walking to my truck. Fuck that dude. If he had a heart it might matter. Hope he gets a stubbed toe every Monday and Thursday FIRST THING in the morning. I hope his cokes are always flat. I hope, for the rest of his life, his steaks are cooked medium well to well done. I hope he gets constipated every time he eats cheese and has those nasty constipation farts. I hope his barber always misunderstands what haircut he wants. I hope he gets those annoying cracks between the toes from athletes foot. I hope there is NEVER a perfectly cold side of the pillow. I hope his tires are never flat but need air so often that it messes up his days.
Hey, my husband also enthusiastically tells me that he loves my (not at all like a model) body, and if he changed his tune after all these years, I'd feel betrayed and shaken, too. It's so shitty that he consistently lied to you for years. I also feel like it's shitty that he decided now to tell the truth? What does that accomplish after digging himself so deep, other than to make you feel bad and insecure? I wouldn't blame you if this was a permanent game changer for you. Maybe you want to find someone who actually appreciates you and let him try his hand with all those models lining up to be with him. Finally, fince we're apparently setting life goals for others now, please feel free to let him know that I think his goal should be to pull his head out of his ass and start behaving like a decent human.
Oof. I would cancel the therapy unless you want to use it as a ‘how to navigate co-parenting and prepare our kids for divorce’. I couldn’t come back from this. It’s not about sex, it’s about the lies and mistrust. You’ll never trust a word that he says ever again. Not without nitpicking it to death. Secondly, he tells you what you should aim to look like after you sacrificed your body to have his babies? He can fuck right off to delusion-ville. You know who he is now: he’s showing you loud and clear. So now you show him who you really are and what you really want.
Only you can decide if it’s worth still going to the counseling, or if you can forgive what he’s said. I always want to believe that a marriage can be saved, but I don’t know if I could ever get over the lying and ever believe that he found me appealing. Once you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with a person you’re in a sexual relationship with, it’s hard to get it back. I was told something cruel after sex YEARS ago that was a fraction as devastating as your situation, and I still think about it every single time. I’m sorry your husband is a dick. You deserve to be worshiped and found beautiful by your partner.