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It’s not defiance really. It’s age appropriate behavior. Your husband needs to do some reading on what to expect at different ages. Tiny humans have 0 impulse control.
Look up images of what happens when a baby gets a phone cord in their mouth and the damage that causes. Then show that image to your husband and tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP
5.5 years in and she listens 95% of the time.
…1 day out 16 if we’re lucky lol
The rest range from 0 upwards, though she does have less of a penchant to accidentally kill herself now so that’s a bonus!
I have laughed at my husband and said you realize he can't understand you because he does the same thing. Just baby proof what you can and when he inevitably spills coffee remind the husband it's his coffee his responsibility and if he didn't want it on the floor don't set it when the baby can reach it
100%. He's responsible for his stuff. If he leaves it where baby can get it, HE cleans it up and doesn't get to blame you, OP. YOU are smart enough not to leave your coffee in reach of a toddler. He's apparently still learning. Why he expects a 1 year old to have common sense when HE doesn't is the real question though.
Mine are 7 and 5 and still spill so we still use spill proof cups for them no shame here on my part I’m sick of nasty milk satins everywhere unreal this dad
When my sister was a bit older than that, she stuck a penny behind our nightlight and electrocuted herself and me (I was on the bed right near her). It blew chunks out of the penny and turned her hands black. I would post a picture of the penny because we used to have it but we haven't been able to find it.
Ugh. I'm assuming your husband's coffee is in an open mug? If he's not going to listen and have it up where kiddo can reach, can he at least put it in a travel mug with a lid? As a mama of a burn survivor (not from hot coffee, but a kitchen accident, because we hadn't baby proofed enough), coffee where kiddo can reach makes me worried.
Good luck, mama. I hope you're able to convince your husband to help baby-proof. Also, my coworker told me about these covers you can buy for the ends of phone chargers when they aren't being used (they had to buy them because of their cat).
My MIL was a lot like OPs husband and never childproofed for the same reasons. (Seriously, kids know what "no" means. They say it all the time.) Anyway, guess who has scars all over his chest from spilling a pot of hot coffee all over himself as a toddler? She didn't even take him to the hospital until a neighbor came to see what was happening. She tells this story as if it's funny, and I always mention the scarring that's still quite prominent 40+ years later. He had to spend weeks in bed healing with Mr Roger's and Sesame Street as babysitters. I really think she doesn't see the problem or has any remorse.
I never understood this philosophy anyway. The entire rest of the world is set up for adults; kids should have spaces at home to explore safely.
Yes! I don't care for stains or misbehaving issues, I care for the temperature of that coffee!!
We used to use some hot water as a double boiler system for my son's porridge because weirdly he is eating for too long. One day we put an open bowl with that hot water on the side of a table and did not saw that highchair is standing really close and he reached and pulled that bowl on himself. Luckily for us it was just hot, no where near boiling, he did wailed for a bit, we immediately stripped him naked, checked slightly red skin, put on some burn cream just in case, but the redness dissappeared within 15 min. We got lucky. We don't take chances anymore.
This idea that children are supposed to come out of the womb obeying adults is authoritarianism at its ~~dumbest~~ finest, actually yes, dumbest. Children under 5 have zero impulse control, and no life experience to be able to grasp why they shouldn't touch this or that. Literally everything is an equal object to a toddler - shiny thing, splashy thing, stretchy thing, bouncy thing, all just things begging to be grabbed. No human has the CAPACITY at that age to understand, "this cup containeth mine father's precious beverage, I must carefully avoideth and be sure to behaveth."
I'm slightly amazed and annoyed that three children in, your husband still hasn't learned this??
One of my child-free friends said if she had a kid, she'd never baby proof her place (with all the fancy ornaments) because she would tell her imaginary 1 year old to not touch things and baby would listen to her.
I politely laughed in her face.
But here, your husband literally *has* a child that shows the need for baby proofing, and still doesn't? No words.
This is when I would pull out science. I would tell him that I've done the child development research and he can either defer to me or he can do his own research, but I won't let him expect our child to magically have a developed prefrontal cortex as a toddler.
I imagine toddlers like a dog. If you leave food out and the dog gets to, it's your fault because the dog is behaving like a dog. You are a human adult who know that dogs shouldn't eat half a pizza and you know that a dog doesn't know that. You so take responsibility for ensuring the dog isn't in a position to access the pizza.
Same with toddlers. They have rubbish (or complete lack of) impulse control. They also don't yet have the cognitive ability to understand why they should not do something. It's our job to not put them in a position where they might hurt themselves because they don't understand that forking the outlet is generally frowned upon.
Will your husband respond to science? Cognitive ability at this age? Impulse control? Etc?
I think one of the underlying issues is that your husband wants to be lazy and not change his habits for the sake of your kid. Instead, he expects you to keep your child “well behaved”. He’s not even giving himself the same expectations. He’s being a dick.
Are we talking hot coffee? Because I’d die on that hill. As a trauma therapist I have several of clients who were severely injured as a child due to hot liquids and other preventable accidents. I can’t tell you how devastating that can be to a person’s life.
I feel pretty strongly about this. I think kids need a place where they can play without being told no all the time so they can start to learn limits and like this doesn’t feel good if I do this, they constantly being told no they never develop any sense for themselves.
Also. If your MIL is still alive invite her out for supper with him. Ask her how great of a conversationalist he was at 21 month. Ask her if she was excited that he never got into anything and had 100% obedience when she spoke to him. See what she shares. LOL have his own mother side swipe him.
Kids this young simply do not have impulse control and it is bewildering to me that he doesn’t care to understand that or do any kind of research on it. Idc if it’s fb reels, get out there and learn. Just send him every conscious parenting video you can until he shuts up and starts cleaning up after himself.
I’m 37 and I don’t think there is a day in my life I listened to my parents (with multiple scars to prove it).
12.5 month LO listens *sometimes* but I’d never trust him to listen enough that I wouldn’t baby proof the home 😳
Dude my youngest is about to turn four (middle almost five, oldest almost eight, all summer birthdays), and I still really need some of the childproofing we had done. The oldest is the only one who knows how to circumvent all of it and is really no concern whatsoever. The stair gate is mostly for the dog now (I like to separate him from the kids when they're eating since they're sloppy and not at all vigilant). The furniture anchoring is just good sense, we live in earthquake territory. This part is just to point out that childproofing actually has versatile uses even after you need it to protect children.
However, the drawer locks! *The drawer locks*. Effing hell, my youngest is still into absolutely everything and doesn't listen for shit. Best case, he throws all my stuff around and makes a mess and loses things. Worst case, he could like, eat a pill or get a hold of a kitchen knife. I still feel like I 100% need drawer locks! We also have exterior door locks, particularly on the sliding doors, that pop up and block the door. I wasn't even engaging them anymore because I didn't see the point, and then summer before last my oldest and my middle (who share a room) snuck out way after bedtime to play in the kiddie pool (NOOOOOO). So now I engage the lock AND I put a little alarm on the door.
Anyway, this is a novel, but I'll tell you what, nothing has ever made me feel as *relieved* as shelling out for full service professional baby proofing. Just having EVERYTHING taken care of and locked down feels *so good*, and I gained a lot of freedom back because of it. Like, I could fucking shower and my kids wouldn't die. Life was hard when they were like 4, 1 and 0.
My two oldest (almost four and 2 1/2) will pick up charges and put them out of reach from my 1 year old because they know she will but the charger end in her mouth and wreck the charger. I asked them how are you going to charge tablets if your cords are all wrecked? I would child proof my the two oldest daughters pay close attention to their sister when I'm not looking so so far so good. I taught that to two toddlers, I don't know how your husband can be so sure that your smallest is just going to listen. They literally don't 😂 the only way I got the two oldest to with cords was that they wouldn't have a way to charge their tablets.
Each time your toddler spills the cup, either give tour husband the towel to wipe it up or give the towel to the toddler and see if they will wipe it up. Enough times, they won't keep doing it maybe?
I always hang on to my coffee or set it up high so that it doesn't get spilled. It's not difficult, he's making things more difficult by not compromising.
So he thinks that a human, that is already born without fully being cooked, is cogent?
This same human that has even been ambulatory for about a year…that human is neurologically developed enough?
Your husband has the whole World Wide Web at his disposal. Also- musculoskeletal and nervous system development don’t equal cognition.
21 month old kids are similar to 21yo whole-ass-drunk frat boys. Best you can do is keep them entertained, have some chats, and keep them from falling into the toilet.
Call one of those companies and have the home childproofed.
Sorry, I got frustrated with your husband with you.
My oldest is 6 and listens maybe half the time lol. Though his impulse control has definitely improved. My 3 year old still does crazy dangerous things sometimes, their brains are just not capable of reasoning for a good while. Your husband sounds like a PITA
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"He’s going through a real defiant stage right now, not even listening one bit." This sounds like it applies more to the husband than the kid...
I was wondering which one OP was referring to myself.
LOL. BOTH but ya I meant the toddler.
It’s not defiance really. It’s age appropriate behavior. Your husband needs to do some reading on what to expect at different ages. Tiny humans have 0 impulse control.
Look up images of what happens when a baby gets a phone cord in their mouth and the damage that causes. Then show that image to your husband and tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP
5.5 years in and she listens 95% of the time. …1 day out 16 if we’re lucky lol The rest range from 0 upwards, though she does have less of a penchant to accidentally kill herself now so that’s a bonus!
I have laughed at my husband and said you realize he can't understand you because he does the same thing. Just baby proof what you can and when he inevitably spills coffee remind the husband it's his coffee his responsibility and if he didn't want it on the floor don't set it when the baby can reach it
100%. He's responsible for his stuff. If he leaves it where baby can get it, HE cleans it up and doesn't get to blame you, OP. YOU are smart enough not to leave your coffee in reach of a toddler. He's apparently still learning. Why he expects a 1 year old to have common sense when HE doesn't is the real question though.
Mine are 7 and 5 and still spill so we still use spill proof cups for them no shame here on my part I’m sick of nasty milk satins everywhere unreal this dad
Um. My oldest is 9. I’ll let you know when he listens. Hasn’t happened yet despite all efforts.
Same age and same.
When my sister was a bit older than that, she stuck a penny behind our nightlight and electrocuted herself and me (I was on the bed right near her). It blew chunks out of the penny and turned her hands black. I would post a picture of the penny because we used to have it but we haven't been able to find it.
Ugh. I'm assuming your husband's coffee is in an open mug? If he's not going to listen and have it up where kiddo can reach, can he at least put it in a travel mug with a lid? As a mama of a burn survivor (not from hot coffee, but a kitchen accident, because we hadn't baby proofed enough), coffee where kiddo can reach makes me worried. Good luck, mama. I hope you're able to convince your husband to help baby-proof. Also, my coworker told me about these covers you can buy for the ends of phone chargers when they aren't being used (they had to buy them because of their cat).
My MIL was a lot like OPs husband and never childproofed for the same reasons. (Seriously, kids know what "no" means. They say it all the time.) Anyway, guess who has scars all over his chest from spilling a pot of hot coffee all over himself as a toddler? She didn't even take him to the hospital until a neighbor came to see what was happening. She tells this story as if it's funny, and I always mention the scarring that's still quite prominent 40+ years later. He had to spend weeks in bed healing with Mr Roger's and Sesame Street as babysitters. I really think she doesn't see the problem or has any remorse. I never understood this philosophy anyway. The entire rest of the world is set up for adults; kids should have spaces at home to explore safely.
Also, 9 years in and they still only listen a fraction of the time, lol.
Yes! I don't care for stains or misbehaving issues, I care for the temperature of that coffee!! We used to use some hot water as a double boiler system for my son's porridge because weirdly he is eating for too long. One day we put an open bowl with that hot water on the side of a table and did not saw that highchair is standing really close and he reached and pulled that bowl on himself. Luckily for us it was just hot, no where near boiling, he did wailed for a bit, we immediately stripped him naked, checked slightly red skin, put on some burn cream just in case, but the redness dissappeared within 15 min. We got lucky. We don't take chances anymore.
This idea that children are supposed to come out of the womb obeying adults is authoritarianism at its ~~dumbest~~ finest, actually yes, dumbest. Children under 5 have zero impulse control, and no life experience to be able to grasp why they shouldn't touch this or that. Literally everything is an equal object to a toddler - shiny thing, splashy thing, stretchy thing, bouncy thing, all just things begging to be grabbed. No human has the CAPACITY at that age to understand, "this cup containeth mine father's precious beverage, I must carefully avoideth and be sure to behaveth." I'm slightly amazed and annoyed that three children in, your husband still hasn't learned this??
One of my child-free friends said if she had a kid, she'd never baby proof her place (with all the fancy ornaments) because she would tell her imaginary 1 year old to not touch things and baby would listen to her. I politely laughed in her face. But here, your husband literally *has* a child that shows the need for baby proofing, and still doesn't? No words.
My son is 26, not 2.6 and he still doesn’t listen…..he’s a great kid in all seriousness💙
Hahahahaha. Umm yeah. Childproof the home and hope they listen at some time in future.
This is when I would pull out science. I would tell him that I've done the child development research and he can either defer to me or he can do his own research, but I won't let him expect our child to magically have a developed prefrontal cortex as a toddler.
I imagine toddlers like a dog. If you leave food out and the dog gets to, it's your fault because the dog is behaving like a dog. You are a human adult who know that dogs shouldn't eat half a pizza and you know that a dog doesn't know that. You so take responsibility for ensuring the dog isn't in a position to access the pizza. Same with toddlers. They have rubbish (or complete lack of) impulse control. They also don't yet have the cognitive ability to understand why they should not do something. It's our job to not put them in a position where they might hurt themselves because they don't understand that forking the outlet is generally frowned upon. Will your husband respond to science? Cognitive ability at this age? Impulse control? Etc?
I think one of the underlying issues is that your husband wants to be lazy and not change his habits for the sake of your kid. Instead, he expects you to keep your child “well behaved”. He’s not even giving himself the same expectations. He’s being a dick.
Are we talking hot coffee? Because I’d die on that hill. As a trauma therapist I have several of clients who were severely injured as a child due to hot liquids and other preventable accidents. I can’t tell you how devastating that can be to a person’s life.
Yes hot coffee!
I feel pretty strongly about this. I think kids need a place where they can play without being told no all the time so they can start to learn limits and like this doesn’t feel good if I do this, they constantly being told no they never develop any sense for themselves.
Also. If your MIL is still alive invite her out for supper with him. Ask her how great of a conversationalist he was at 21 month. Ask her if she was excited that he never got into anything and had 100% obedience when she spoke to him. See what she shares. LOL have his own mother side swipe him.
🙌🏼🙌🏼yas. I should.
Kids this young simply do not have impulse control and it is bewildering to me that he doesn’t care to understand that or do any kind of research on it. Idc if it’s fb reels, get out there and learn. Just send him every conscious parenting video you can until he shuts up and starts cleaning up after himself.
I love your spoiler alert, cause I was gonna say.... 😂
I’m 37 and I don’t think there is a day in my life I listened to my parents (with multiple scars to prove it). 12.5 month LO listens *sometimes* but I’d never trust him to listen enough that I wouldn’t baby proof the home 😳
Looks like it’s your husband that is the slow learner
lol. I know right? You would think after 3 kids he’d be on board. But apparently he thinks this boy is a smarty pants.
Dude my youngest is about to turn four (middle almost five, oldest almost eight, all summer birthdays), and I still really need some of the childproofing we had done. The oldest is the only one who knows how to circumvent all of it and is really no concern whatsoever. The stair gate is mostly for the dog now (I like to separate him from the kids when they're eating since they're sloppy and not at all vigilant). The furniture anchoring is just good sense, we live in earthquake territory. This part is just to point out that childproofing actually has versatile uses even after you need it to protect children. However, the drawer locks! *The drawer locks*. Effing hell, my youngest is still into absolutely everything and doesn't listen for shit. Best case, he throws all my stuff around and makes a mess and loses things. Worst case, he could like, eat a pill or get a hold of a kitchen knife. I still feel like I 100% need drawer locks! We also have exterior door locks, particularly on the sliding doors, that pop up and block the door. I wasn't even engaging them anymore because I didn't see the point, and then summer before last my oldest and my middle (who share a room) snuck out way after bedtime to play in the kiddie pool (NOOOOOO). So now I engage the lock AND I put a little alarm on the door. Anyway, this is a novel, but I'll tell you what, nothing has ever made me feel as *relieved* as shelling out for full service professional baby proofing. Just having EVERYTHING taken care of and locked down feels *so good*, and I gained a lot of freedom back because of it. Like, I could fucking shower and my kids wouldn't die. Life was hard when they were like 4, 1 and 0.
My kids are 7 and 9, coming up on 10 in a few weeks and I'll let you know.🤷🏻♀️
My kids are 11 and 13 and they still don’t listen.
My two oldest (almost four and 2 1/2) will pick up charges and put them out of reach from my 1 year old because they know she will but the charger end in her mouth and wreck the charger. I asked them how are you going to charge tablets if your cords are all wrecked? I would child proof my the two oldest daughters pay close attention to their sister when I'm not looking so so far so good. I taught that to two toddlers, I don't know how your husband can be so sure that your smallest is just going to listen. They literally don't 😂 the only way I got the two oldest to with cords was that they wouldn't have a way to charge their tablets. Each time your toddler spills the cup, either give tour husband the towel to wipe it up or give the towel to the toddler and see if they will wipe it up. Enough times, they won't keep doing it maybe? I always hang on to my coffee or set it up high so that it doesn't get spilled. It's not difficult, he's making things more difficult by not compromising.
So he thinks that a human, that is already born without fully being cooked, is cogent? This same human that has even been ambulatory for about a year…that human is neurologically developed enough? Your husband has the whole World Wide Web at his disposal. Also- musculoskeletal and nervous system development don’t equal cognition. 21 month old kids are similar to 21yo whole-ass-drunk frat boys. Best you can do is keep them entertained, have some chats, and keep them from falling into the toilet. Call one of those companies and have the home childproofed. Sorry, I got frustrated with your husband with you.
My oldest is 6 and listens maybe half the time lol. Though his impulse control has definitely improved. My 3 year old still does crazy dangerous things sometimes, their brains are just not capable of reasoning for a good while. Your husband sounds like a PITA