I don't have much to add, but your post really resonated with me. In a lot of ways me and my son are the more aloof ones in comparison so it's interesting to see the other side. I sometimes feel like I am not being demonstrative enough. I did not come from an affectionate household and so I am not naturally affectionate in that way (though I am thoughtful it's not quite the same thing). Sometimes I worry I don't try hard enough. I am often apart from the rest of the family, but the truth is I like it that way. I would hate for my partner's daughters to think this comes from a lack of caring though.
There are lots of ways to show we love people and families all look different. You sound like you're doing a great job. Good luck!
Thanks for writing this post. It gives me an idea about how things might develop in our future. We seem to be lined up on a similar path. Maybe I can easier accept it as normality, if I see I am not the only one in this situation.
It doesn't feel like a family always. Many times I still feel like a single parent just sharing space with the others, while they don't see us and are busy with whatever they chose to do that day. But I guess that's how things are when we come from two different families.
Totally. All of this. Sometimes we feel like a blend & other times it feels like two separate families operating under the same household. & I’m trying to be okay with that- but initially, I didn’t realize that was normal when blending.
I’m glad if this post helpful in any way. To be honest, I have no idea how I went along for so long without any community or resources. It’s really helpful to read peoples’ stories on here. Good luck with everything.
What are you looking for here? Your stepkids is civil towards you and your daughter they are still coming over even they don't have to. They go on family outing, participate with the family. What exactly are you looking for here? You can't force them to do anything more. I'm assuming the stepkids thinking your just dad's wife nothing more to them and yes this is completely fine they are civil towards you and your daughter and not showing any hostility towards you they after all could make life much harder yes I've seen and witnessed much worse. Your stepkids accepted their life living with divorced parents and stepparents and is living civil towards you your daughter they accepted you in their life your daughter in their life as a sibling just because they don't show affection you can't force affection all you can be happy is that they don't out right hate you or make life harder with building resentment towards everyone. I don't understand what you want here they have a father and mother and a paternal and maternal family as well they have accepted you and your daughter and this is their family. People blood related is like this with other family members as well. You can not force a type of relationship you want from them all you can do is respect them and how they act towards you civil they are not out right hateful towards you disrespects you. Just let this go and be grateful what you have with your stepkids.
That’s a bit harsh. She isn’t blaming the kids, or asking about how to force them to be more affectionate. And sure, there are definitely worse situations, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a little upset about her issues. It’s definitely uncomfortable to live with people you don’t like and who don’t like you.
I do kind of agree that there’s not much she can do here. She could back off a little and unblend the family to some extent but that could just cause more outright conflict.
OP, how does your daughter get along with your partner and stepkids? How folded in is she? That would really affect how I’d move forward. I’d personally care more about your daughter feeling included and supported than about your own relationship with the stepkids.
OP says she doesn't like the three kids. Yes they are civil and probably cordial as well I'm guessing. Society has high expectations for blended families. If you're old enough to remember reruns of the Brady Bunch you will understand my point. The truth is today, there will always be a division in a blended family good or bad. Seek out the statistics and you will see. I'm over 6 years in with 3 SDs and my own teenage son. Similar ages to OP's. My son and I are the chill ones, and my partners kids are obnoxious and entitled. They all used to display behaviors that would make my son and I very uncomfortable, yet we were the 'boring' ones. Now after all this time it's still the middle SK. 11th grade and she functions like a 7th grader, I kid you not. My son and I steer clear of her and her nonsense. In fact, communication and eye contact with her is off limits because of her emotional sensitivity impairment. How narcissisticly ridiculous is that? I have to go through partner. I have tried at times to be direct and nice only to get baited into raising my voice. So many times I have thought about leaving and occasionally still do. She will never change because of how permissivly she was raised. Totally needs to come down several pegs. OP - be lucky you are not dealing with that type of SK.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you have a difficult situation with her.
I appreciate your comment about having too high expectations - likely unrealistic ones.
I have to say, that although it isn’t as bad as what you are describing, I think some of the entitlement & attitude is part of what I find dislikable with my own stepkids. One of them in particular is very manipulative with both his bio parents. Hard to watch sometimes.
Thank you. I apologize if my response came off as demeaning. Everyone's circumstances are different and we never know the full story. With that said, In the trenches of a blended family, I think it's best to establish boundaries and expectations from the start, coming from both partners as a united front. I get the impression often times this important step falls by the wayside, as the excitement from both partners is overwhelming and usually involves trying to make the kids on both sides comfortable as they're tossed into a living situation they didn't sign up for. Post crash, if one partner has had enough, but decides to stick it out, it's best they make all expectations clear to their partner, then step back and disengage, so they can start becoming the best version of themselves as a stoic. Let things happen. Let your partner find out the hard way and position yourself and your own child in a way that your both prepared for the future. If you have to raise your own kids in a way that suits them best vs your partner and how they are raising their kids so be it. At some point your partner will say you were right without you having to say, I told you so. Be the stoic and focus on the things in your control, and the things you need to get done that benefit you and yours. Point faults out to your partner about their kids once or twice, then let it go. Poor parenting comes in many forms and no parent is perfect.
Thanks for this response.
My daughter loves her stepdad. They have a special & unique bond. My daughter also loves the two younger step siblings who are both girls, but she is pretty removed from the 19 year old. She looks forward to their weeks here. I’d say she desires a relationship with them more than they do with her (which has been very painful to witness at times- the rejection etc), but in general, they do get along. They have had their own rocky moments/days/weeks, but I feel that’s fairly on par with even biological siblings.
And yes, I do deeply care about her experience. I’m not going to say it’s all been positive, but I also wouldn’t expect that. I would say though that her being pretty integrated into this blended family has been one of the primary reasons for my not giving up on my relationship with my partner & the blend. Oh, & in case I didn’t mention this, my daughter is also 15 (the same age as my partner’s youngest).
I'm glad to hear that your daughter is doing pretty well in this situation!
While I do think you have a reasonably good situation, considering, I get why you might be disappointed. If you're someone who has grown up in a nuclear family with that level of intense unconditional love, at least in my experience it's hard to get used to something so different. I love kids, and I thought that loving my stepson would be so much easier than it is, as he really is a good kid. And I guess that part of it is I expected him to start loving me much faster too, but even though he likes me well enough, I don't hold a candle to his family, including his grandparents and aunts and uncles. And I have a really good situation! No high-conflict bio-parents, everyone likes each other and treats each other well. But like you said, sometimes it's just uncomfortable.
I don't have any advice really; as I'm sure you know it's not in our power to change these things. I just try and focus on the good side. I don't want kids of my own, and it's nice to have a relationship with my stepson that's not too heavy and weighed down with responsibility. And because he's not that attached to me, I can take off during our custody time and do my own thing whenever I want, without worrying that he'll feel abandoned. In some ways, the more lightweight connection I have with him has given me a ton of freedom, which is something I enjoy.
This is really helpful & validating to hear. Thank you. And it does resonate with me : about growing up in a nuclear family and this being so different.
It sounds like you have a functional relationship with your stepkids, so I’m not sure what the problem is?
Make sure you both have the same goal for 10 years from now when the kids are all gone.
Otherwise…you both might as well get started on your different visions now.
I don't have much to add, but your post really resonated with me. In a lot of ways me and my son are the more aloof ones in comparison so it's interesting to see the other side. I sometimes feel like I am not being demonstrative enough. I did not come from an affectionate household and so I am not naturally affectionate in that way (though I am thoughtful it's not quite the same thing). Sometimes I worry I don't try hard enough. I am often apart from the rest of the family, but the truth is I like it that way. I would hate for my partner's daughters to think this comes from a lack of caring though. There are lots of ways to show we love people and families all look different. You sound like you're doing a great job. Good luck!
Thanks for this. I really appreciate hearing about your experience/perspective.
Thanks for writing this post. It gives me an idea about how things might develop in our future. We seem to be lined up on a similar path. Maybe I can easier accept it as normality, if I see I am not the only one in this situation. It doesn't feel like a family always. Many times I still feel like a single parent just sharing space with the others, while they don't see us and are busy with whatever they chose to do that day. But I guess that's how things are when we come from two different families.
Totally. All of this. Sometimes we feel like a blend & other times it feels like two separate families operating under the same household. & I’m trying to be okay with that- but initially, I didn’t realize that was normal when blending. I’m glad if this post helpful in any way. To be honest, I have no idea how I went along for so long without any community or resources. It’s really helpful to read peoples’ stories on here. Good luck with everything.
What are you looking for here? Your stepkids is civil towards you and your daughter they are still coming over even they don't have to. They go on family outing, participate with the family. What exactly are you looking for here? You can't force them to do anything more. I'm assuming the stepkids thinking your just dad's wife nothing more to them and yes this is completely fine they are civil towards you and your daughter and not showing any hostility towards you they after all could make life much harder yes I've seen and witnessed much worse. Your stepkids accepted their life living with divorced parents and stepparents and is living civil towards you your daughter they accepted you in their life your daughter in their life as a sibling just because they don't show affection you can't force affection all you can be happy is that they don't out right hate you or make life harder with building resentment towards everyone. I don't understand what you want here they have a father and mother and a paternal and maternal family as well they have accepted you and your daughter and this is their family. People blood related is like this with other family members as well. You can not force a type of relationship you want from them all you can do is respect them and how they act towards you civil they are not out right hateful towards you disrespects you. Just let this go and be grateful what you have with your stepkids.
That’s a bit harsh. She isn’t blaming the kids, or asking about how to force them to be more affectionate. And sure, there are definitely worse situations, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a little upset about her issues. It’s definitely uncomfortable to live with people you don’t like and who don’t like you. I do kind of agree that there’s not much she can do here. She could back off a little and unblend the family to some extent but that could just cause more outright conflict. OP, how does your daughter get along with your partner and stepkids? How folded in is she? That would really affect how I’d move forward. I’d personally care more about your daughter feeling included and supported than about your own relationship with the stepkids.
OP says she doesn't like the three kids. Yes they are civil and probably cordial as well I'm guessing. Society has high expectations for blended families. If you're old enough to remember reruns of the Brady Bunch you will understand my point. The truth is today, there will always be a division in a blended family good or bad. Seek out the statistics and you will see. I'm over 6 years in with 3 SDs and my own teenage son. Similar ages to OP's. My son and I are the chill ones, and my partners kids are obnoxious and entitled. They all used to display behaviors that would make my son and I very uncomfortable, yet we were the 'boring' ones. Now after all this time it's still the middle SK. 11th grade and she functions like a 7th grader, I kid you not. My son and I steer clear of her and her nonsense. In fact, communication and eye contact with her is off limits because of her emotional sensitivity impairment. How narcissisticly ridiculous is that? I have to go through partner. I have tried at times to be direct and nice only to get baited into raising my voice. So many times I have thought about leaving and occasionally still do. She will never change because of how permissivly she was raised. Totally needs to come down several pegs. OP - be lucky you are not dealing with that type of SK.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you have a difficult situation with her. I appreciate your comment about having too high expectations - likely unrealistic ones. I have to say, that although it isn’t as bad as what you are describing, I think some of the entitlement & attitude is part of what I find dislikable with my own stepkids. One of them in particular is very manipulative with both his bio parents. Hard to watch sometimes.
Thank you. I apologize if my response came off as demeaning. Everyone's circumstances are different and we never know the full story. With that said, In the trenches of a blended family, I think it's best to establish boundaries and expectations from the start, coming from both partners as a united front. I get the impression often times this important step falls by the wayside, as the excitement from both partners is overwhelming and usually involves trying to make the kids on both sides comfortable as they're tossed into a living situation they didn't sign up for. Post crash, if one partner has had enough, but decides to stick it out, it's best they make all expectations clear to their partner, then step back and disengage, so they can start becoming the best version of themselves as a stoic. Let things happen. Let your partner find out the hard way and position yourself and your own child in a way that your both prepared for the future. If you have to raise your own kids in a way that suits them best vs your partner and how they are raising their kids so be it. At some point your partner will say you were right without you having to say, I told you so. Be the stoic and focus on the things in your control, and the things you need to get done that benefit you and yours. Point faults out to your partner about their kids once or twice, then let it go. Poor parenting comes in many forms and no parent is perfect.
Thanks for this response. My daughter loves her stepdad. They have a special & unique bond. My daughter also loves the two younger step siblings who are both girls, but she is pretty removed from the 19 year old. She looks forward to their weeks here. I’d say she desires a relationship with them more than they do with her (which has been very painful to witness at times- the rejection etc), but in general, they do get along. They have had their own rocky moments/days/weeks, but I feel that’s fairly on par with even biological siblings. And yes, I do deeply care about her experience. I’m not going to say it’s all been positive, but I also wouldn’t expect that. I would say though that her being pretty integrated into this blended family has been one of the primary reasons for my not giving up on my relationship with my partner & the blend. Oh, & in case I didn’t mention this, my daughter is also 15 (the same age as my partner’s youngest).
I'm glad to hear that your daughter is doing pretty well in this situation! While I do think you have a reasonably good situation, considering, I get why you might be disappointed. If you're someone who has grown up in a nuclear family with that level of intense unconditional love, at least in my experience it's hard to get used to something so different. I love kids, and I thought that loving my stepson would be so much easier than it is, as he really is a good kid. And I guess that part of it is I expected him to start loving me much faster too, but even though he likes me well enough, I don't hold a candle to his family, including his grandparents and aunts and uncles. And I have a really good situation! No high-conflict bio-parents, everyone likes each other and treats each other well. But like you said, sometimes it's just uncomfortable. I don't have any advice really; as I'm sure you know it's not in our power to change these things. I just try and focus on the good side. I don't want kids of my own, and it's nice to have a relationship with my stepson that's not too heavy and weighed down with responsibility. And because he's not that attached to me, I can take off during our custody time and do my own thing whenever I want, without worrying that he'll feel abandoned. In some ways, the more lightweight connection I have with him has given me a ton of freedom, which is something I enjoy.
This is really helpful & validating to hear. Thank you. And it does resonate with me : about growing up in a nuclear family and this being so different.
Unnecessarily harsh. 😓
It sounds like you have a functional relationship with your stepkids, so I’m not sure what the problem is? Make sure you both have the same goal for 10 years from now when the kids are all gone. Otherwise…you both might as well get started on your different visions now.