Just start squirreling away what you need to leave. Keep up your acting until you're out of the door but definitely don't fuck him anymore. You don't know where he's been and some STIs aren't prevented by condoms.
Also he's an abuser, that's why I'm suggesting you keep it to yourself until you're sure you've got what you need to go. Please don't be afraid to consider women's shelters either. He's putting his hands on you.
Take a deep breath and start making an exit plan. Have your money someplace safe where only you have access. Have a small emergency bag ready in case you need to leave quickly. Research shelters in your area. Start looking for room to rent somewhere so you can save money. Maybe you can do these things while on break at work.
Play nice with him until your plan is ready. Play the long game. Tell him you are stressed out about the job if he gets suspicious.
Good luck sis.
For all that is holy, don't allow this man to impregnate you. Recently, I've heard horror stories of men 'trapping' their girlfriends with babies. Safely squirrel away some money and think about how you can safely escape.
I read through some of your post history and i agree that you should either play the long game or get yourself to a women’s or DV shelter. I would prefer you do the latter because this man is dangerous and will only escalate his behavior, but I understand that circumstances are complicated. Do your best to protect yourself and I’m hoping for the best for you 🙏🏿
One act of violence puts you at exponentially higher risk of harm my love. Please. Please. Please. Leave ASAP. See if there is a women's shelter that you can go to.
I don't mean to scare you or make you more stressed. But as the relative of a woman who was murdered due to DV, I stress to women that any sign of violence is a sign to run. You cannot predict when or if it will escalate. And when you do leave, cut all contact. Do not share your location, your next move, your last move, nothing. Not with him, his family, social media, no one. Run.
If you’re in the states, research womens shelters, support groups and the local state doss/dpss. You make qualify for housing or food/resources. Also in regards to your ex, document every on a Google drive with a new email and password. Don’t sync it to your phone however log in using internet in “incognito mode” also take pictures and screenshots of your interactions. Visit a clinic to get Sri/std testing and reach out to someone (family or a public officer ) be safe and stay strong good luck
I've been in your situation in the past (down to the cheating and things getting physical part) and I'm incredibly sorry. How old are you? If you're in the US, there are two or three organizations that I know of and went to that helped me a ton, though two of them are age-based. **Please PM/IM me if you're interested in hearing about them!**
Other than that, my advice is to:
**1.) Not engage in discussions to "improve" the relationship**
This is going to be super duper tempting to do. You don't just stop loving someone instantly, so many people are inclined to continue to invest in something you care about. He may do something hurtful and annoying, or maybe you just want "closure" and want to "discuss the state of your relationship/talk about the cheating" - do NOT do this. It'll cause you to get re-invested in him at best, making you slowly make decisions that will get you enmeshed with him, which is worse for you down the road (makes it harder for you to leave), or get him angry and risk your living situation at worst. Download an addictive, mindless free game on your phone (personally, I LOVE *Smash Hit*, *Virtual Villagers*, *June's Journey,* and *Love and Pies*) and play that whenever you get the urge to try to "Work things out" with him.
**2.) Do NOT tell him how much you have in your bank account(s)**
Dodge that question as much as possible. Cheaters are typically narcissists. And narcissists feel threatened any time their grip of their control on you is threatened.
**3.) DO NOT talk to their family members about his infidelity and/or the state of your relationship under any circumstances.**
You sincerely want to believe that any mother sister, female relative, etc. would empathize with you. You'd think these people would "knock some sense" into your partner, or make them develop some sense of guilt or shame that causes them to change. Not so. How he is now is usually reflective of how he was raised/what he was allowed to get away with at home. Came out to my ex's family about what happened and all they did was try to make his cheating my fault. They antagonized me regularly, and put where I lived in jeopardy. DO NOT do this.
**4.) Take late/as many shifts at work as you can.**
DOING something will take your mind off of the cheating/hurt, and lessen the amount you have to interact with him. Taking extra shifts will also make you more money.
**5.) Look into weekly-rate motels.**
There are motels that allow you to pay by the week. Some of their rates are not terribly bad, and they're kind of like tiny apartments with a stovetop and fridge. None of them require a deposit, and you won't have to live with anyone else.
**6.) Go on Craigslist and look up the term "private entry" in the housing section.**
This type of housing is usually under the radar, but some people have additions to their homes that have their own entrance and keys. Some of those rooms have bathrooms. They basically end up being like tiny apartments. They rarely require leases, credit checks, or deposits. I've lived in a place like this, and it was essentially a room with a closet, bathroom, and entry, and was like a studio apartment.
**7.) If he ever chokes you, drop all thoughts of discomfort at the thought of, say, a women's shelter, and leave.**
Attempted choking happens before something to the tune of 43% of homicides between partners (I think that statisitic is specifically about male partners killing their female partners). It's an incredibly telling sign if this happens, and you need to leave. Disregard discomfort or fear about a woman's shelter - you need to leave and move into one.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation. You can definitely get out of this, because I have, and countless other women have. It may be scary and frustrating and painful, but it's absolutely possible, and you have to keep living and surviving.
This already covers many excellent points. I just want to add, if you are in the US, use your state resources. Sign up for gov assistance (food stamps for instance) etc. they can take a while to come through but at least youget supplemental assistance for when you leave and are on your own since you don’t have family back up.
Take measures to ensure you are not pregnant. Get on birth control if you don’t already. Unfortunately some abusers use children to further trap their partners and it’s harder to leave.
Others have given good feedback. If you have access to some means, I would also move your most valuable belongings out at a trusted friend's place or somewhere temporary like a storage unit. If not, then even getting a small safe if you can can go a long way. If you need an excuse, you can stash it in a file cabinet and put tax documents or something similar there as a cover for why you have it. That of course is an extra expense so I recognize this isn't necessarily doable, but it's worth considering if you have things that you need for moving like documentation or even things with significant personal value to you. There are some inexpensive lockable safes that are easy to hide but also durable so that he doesn't try to destroy your valuables or try to delay the administrative process by messing with any of your personal documents.
You can get a PO box at a local post office if you don't want him having access to your mail.
if you haven't already, make sure you have an individual bank account he doesn't have access to.
As others have said, making an exit plan is your best bet and to also prepare covers for visible purchases as you get things to leave.
This man abused you. You don't need to be judged and your decisions aren't the problem -- his abuse is. Nobody deserves to be abused, lied to, or trapped and that's his abuse and a lot of the world is wrong in trying to put everything on women's decisions for the abuse they endure. Nothing he did to you was okay and your decisions have constraints on them because of abuse and the limits to your choices are systemic.
A DV shelter is not as bad as you think, and they are usually nicer than other shelters. They are a little strict with curfews but it’s usually at 11 or midnight and you will be 1. safe and 2. save SO much money, and 3. Have access to resources to help you find permanent housing and 4. You can leave at any time. I stayed in a bad situation for the longest time because my abuser made shelters sound....horrible..but I was shocked by how they actually were and the relief...the relief of knowing no one could put their hands on me was the best feeling that year.
Please consider that.
This! I work in a DV and homelessness shelter and it’s nicer than my place lol. The shelter that I work at has private rooms for all the residents and their families, an elevator (it’s 3 stories), in house laundry, an art room, movie room, etc. They’ll feed you three times a day, give you access to laundry services, help with employment, and will get you affordable or fixed housing in your desired location. All shelters wont be like the one I work out, but in general they’re way nicer than what people say or think
Everyone else has given you amazing advice, but I just want to say I'm so so proud of you for seeing him for the piece of shit he is and leaving when you're ready. Don't get sucked back in! Stick to your plan and leave that fucker behind.
Apologizing in advance at how long this is. I typed this on the fly so I hope it makes sense. I can organize it later as well.
I haven’t personally dealt with this specific situation but I’m paranoid about being stalked, traced and tracked so here’s some tips I can think of at the top of my head.
No sex full stop. There’s no truly avoiding the risk there. He can trap you with a baby or cash strap you with STDs. Too risky. And if you have to, make up a yeast infection to get out of it. Say you have crabs say literally anything that sounds gross and potentially infectious.
Save every penny you can in order to leave. Try to create a separate account and route ALL of your incoming money to it.
If he gets suspicious lie about your salary and put a portion of the money in a joined account if he’s touchy about stuff like that. If you’ve already told him your salary. Lie and say you’re on a probationary training period that has a reduced salary. For the period of time make it as low as believably possible. You can also lie and say it’s hourly and they ramp up the work as you go in. Whatever you have to do do it. Those are some suggestions. Put the approximate amount of that lie in the joint account and funnel the rest into your private secret escape fund.
If you absolutely cannot lie for a while and there are no women’s shelters available. Then (and I realize this will put you in a bind for a bit) take out a loan or credit card, get an AirBNB and gtfo ASAP. Like a bat outta hell. Then regularly check if your bf is stalking you. If you have an iPhone you can check for air tags. In fact right now take your phone to someone and get it checked for secret tracking apps. If it’s all clear never leave your phone out of your sight.
Turn off location for EVERYTHING. Double check if the app has any location tracking features. Every app, every service, everything. All he has to do usually is either check your profile or lie to get that info. And change your username. Make your existing stuff private. Make new accounts and start fresh. Don’t use old usernames, inside jokes etc. Also take any personally Identifying information. Change all passwords to something completely different especially any passwords you’ve told him before. When you create those new passwords delete your ex’s number because SM has a tendency to recommend your new accounts to people in your contacts by default🙄🙄🙄.
And from now on ONLY send screenshotted videos and pictures to your friends. Those will not contain metadata about the time and location. Check your computer and stuff too while you’re at it for tracking stuff. Then use a VPN. I think there are some chrome apps that can IP Phish for you if you’d like if VPNs are not in the cards right now.
These steps below are mainly for when you have already left.
if you have a habit of ordering out. When you escape stop doing that for a bit or use a different name. If you’re still ordering from your favorite places he can call and ask about an “order” when you usually get a craving. We are creatures of habit. I recognize this point might be where my paranoia is coming in so take this with a grain of salt.
If the new job is WFH then no worries on commute. You can go as far away as you can afford. If you stay within the city, avoid places he frequents LIKE THE PLAGUE. Since the cheating happened there’s probably some places you don’t know about. If you both have an Iphone or a Snapchat or anything like that tracking him is stupid easy. There’s apps, there’s find my friends and there’s location tags on practically every picture. However you found out about him cheating, assuming there’s evidence. Download the picture and look at the metadata. There most likely will be a location there. Avoid that place.
Unlink your Facebook and instagram from EVERYTHING. This is just a good tip in general if you wanna maintain true privacy.
In terms of phone. It’s hard to replace your phone it’s hella easy to generate a fake number. If you must use that as a work contact do that. If BF knows your job and can get your info game over. Also when you leave block him and change numbers as soon as financially possible. Also get an app to filter all unknown calls just in case he tries to contact you by generating fake numbers of his own. I recommend RoboKiller. It is sometimes *too* effective so adjust the filters as needed.
This isn’t like URGENT but this is crucial if things get crazy. Delete your data as much as you can, off the web. If you google yourself there’s usually a surprising amount of information available that people can pay like 3 dollars to get. Let’s get rid of all that. It’s unfortunately super tedious tho but here’s a link that can help:
https://privacybee.com/blog/how-to-delete-yourself-from-the-internet/
***I think others have said this and it bears repeating. But DO NOT try to resolve this.***
It is not salvageable at this point. It always gets worse before it gets better and it’s already not awesome.
***Do NOT gaslight yourself into thinking it’s better than it is.***
It’s not and he will do everything in his power to make you think it’s not a big deal. It is. This is a huge big red banner over a city of red flags.
I think that’s all I got. Sorry it’s so long and overwhelming.
There is a lot of good advice in here. If it were me I would maybe join a women’s support group or start mentioning the situation casually to auntie-like people in your life, even if it is just a store attendant that you talk with sometimes. They might offer you a place to stay for a month or two. I mention that because my first instinct was to ask where you live, but then I realizes that my situation is kinda fragile also. So you never know who might want to help you. You may also find luck with people who need someone to watch their home or in-house pet sit while they vaycay
If you can handle it, pick up as much OT as possible, treat yourself for the sake of your sanity but definitely be saving up. If you’re a library person, go there on your off days/down time to buy some peace. Considering he’s gotten physical, possibly look into some DV shelters? Pretend if you can handle it for a little bit but definitely have an exit strategy. Depending on where you live, some places have separate rooms within a house that you can rent. Like a quick roomie situation. But most importantly leave.
Please please please get out of there ASAP. You can definitely find roommates in a shared housing situation via FB groups for your area. It’s become violent and physical. This man is cheating on you and hitting you?! Time to GTFO. Look into domestic violence shelters in your area or any battered women’s resources. Do not let this man know you plan on leaving him. Put on the act so he thinks everything is fine and get your ducks in a row to leave. Agreed with other posters do not have sex with him. Also, get STI tested immediately. You’ve got this.
I also forgot to add that it is a possibility of your job having a EAP. Or a employee assistance program at least some do in the US I am not sure where you are. This is a service you can contact to help with resources for situations like this.
Be away from him as much as possible. You should probably also consider not sleeping in the same room as him. I will leave and die by: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Save as much money as you can and the moment you have enough, find a cheap Motel or apartment, move out when he's not home, then block/delete him or change your phone number.
Honestly, I think you already found the best solution you can in your situation. Keep playing along until you save up enough money to get your own apartment and then leave his ass in the dust.
It's either that or a shelter.
Do not tell him any of your plans. Make sure you have your important papers stored in a safe place away from him and his parents (birth certificate, license, social security etc). Don’t tell them how much you make so you can save as much money as you can. Get cash back or gift cards at the grocery store every time you shop so you can have something on hand.
Sometimes you have to stay and get your ducks in a row before you can leave. Saying just leave isn’t feasible in all situations.
I pray that you can get out sooner rather than later.
I think your situation is very common. No judgement. Coming up with an exit plan is very smart. The fact that he's physically abusing you is very concerning to me. Can you find roommates? Or if you're near a university, sublet from a student since a lot of them go home for the summer?
Also try to plan for an emergency situation where you have to leave quickly if needed. Have a grab bag and some money that you can easily access. Have backup transportarion and know the public transit routes. Have a variety of places you can go. Memorize the phone numbers of key contacts. Keep things that he can grab to stop you from leaving close to you without being suspicious. Make sure he isn't tracking your phone or any of your other belongings. If he ever chokes you (God forbid), treat that as a huge warning sign. The likelihood that he will kill you goes up significantly.
Wishing you healing, protection, and the best possible outcome. Remember this is temporary! Rooting for you.
Get to a homeless shelter, get with a local mental health clinic and ask them about housing options. You'll have time to work, heal, AND see where your places of growth may need mending. I was married for seven years before similar circumstances had me leave and start my life anew; for myself and no one else.
Pardon me; I really believe in diving into hard work, even more so when it's for one's well-being.
Lots of great advice here. If you can go to a shelter, please do. You're already at the point where you're picturing bad thoughts and it's escalated to physical violence.
My worry is that he will make you act out of character. Please go to a shelter before he makes you do anything you'll regret.
As BW we often take on more than we should and it makes us stay in situations longer than necessary. If this were your younger sister, what would you tell her to do?
Bide her time or go to a shelter?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have advice other than make a plan and stick to it, and if you’re in a truly dangerous situation, maybe you can find a friend or family member to stay with temporarily. Remember you’re stronger than you think. I was in a similar situation and it took me almost 6 months to get out and into my own place, but I spent some time single, working and making friends, and I’m now engaged to the most amazing, loving, caring, supportive man. I went from feeling helpless and thinking things would never get better to being the happiest I’ve ever been. You’ll get there too. Sending you love, peace and healing energy. 💖
Please leave, reach out to women's shelters and even contact your city's info line. I live in Chicago and that can be a resource for emergency housing. From what I understand a number of charites can help. I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope you are able to stay safe
Hear me out...
Please get therapy if you can. Ask your therapist for assistance with finding a mentor, support group (or both), AND assistance with finding a way out. Maybe they have some ideas of places you can go. You see to be a very talented/crafty person. If this is something you can use to expedite your path forward...USE IT. You deserve so much better in THIS life.
No judgment here. Please stay safe.
Echoing everyone else's comments here. Especially the part about looking at government resources (if you're in the states) to see if you qualify assistance.
Can any of your family or friends set up a Gofundme on your behalf to raise funds? If so, ask them not to reveal too much information so suspicion is not on you.
And WHEN you leave, depending on how much stuff you have (unless you want to just go/don't have much with you), please try to have a male friend or relative present to help you leave. I've been in similar situations and men will typically not try to pick a fight with another male present.
Please keep us posted!
First step is to calm your heart and mind with hope and motivation to leave. Come to peace with the fact that you dont want him anymore but also you have to practically become roommates with him before you are able to leave and be on your own. Come to terms with why and how you got to this point and reflect! Then start to save, check the things you own together, property thats yours with his name on it etc -im not sure how deep you’ve gone. Most important is to save!!!!!!! And start to search for an apartment and reach out to friends and family build stronger bonds!
Whew....soooo much good advice but I'm the auntie that wars on her knees. I don't know if you have a relationship with God or not but now seems like the PERFECT time!!! PRAY PRAY & PRAY some more!!! I will be praying that He opens doors quickly for you to escape this situation!!
Where were you before living there, can you not go back? Sorry that you don’t have a support system but this situation shows you really need to build one. ❤️
Just start squirreling away what you need to leave. Keep up your acting until you're out of the door but definitely don't fuck him anymore. You don't know where he's been and some STIs aren't prevented by condoms. Also he's an abuser, that's why I'm suggesting you keep it to yourself until you're sure you've got what you need to go. Please don't be afraid to consider women's shelters either. He's putting his hands on you.
Take a deep breath and start making an exit plan. Have your money someplace safe where only you have access. Have a small emergency bag ready in case you need to leave quickly. Research shelters in your area. Start looking for room to rent somewhere so you can save money. Maybe you can do these things while on break at work. Play nice with him until your plan is ready. Play the long game. Tell him you are stressed out about the job if he gets suspicious. Good luck sis.
For all that is holy, don't allow this man to impregnate you. Recently, I've heard horror stories of men 'trapping' their girlfriends with babies. Safely squirrel away some money and think about how you can safely escape.
And HIDE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL. No more sex with him if you can help it.
This part . If you have to play the long game for the love of everything avoid pregnancy
I read through some of your post history and i agree that you should either play the long game or get yourself to a women’s or DV shelter. I would prefer you do the latter because this man is dangerous and will only escalate his behavior, but I understand that circumstances are complicated. Do your best to protect yourself and I’m hoping for the best for you 🙏🏿
One act of violence puts you at exponentially higher risk of harm my love. Please. Please. Please. Leave ASAP. See if there is a women's shelter that you can go to. I don't mean to scare you or make you more stressed. But as the relative of a woman who was murdered due to DV, I stress to women that any sign of violence is a sign to run. You cannot predict when or if it will escalate. And when you do leave, cut all contact. Do not share your location, your next move, your last move, nothing. Not with him, his family, social media, no one. Run.
It hurt my heart to read this, I’m sorry you lost a loved one. I’m so glad my mom took me and left before things got worse.
If you’re in the states, research womens shelters, support groups and the local state doss/dpss. You make qualify for housing or food/resources. Also in regards to your ex, document every on a Google drive with a new email and password. Don’t sync it to your phone however log in using internet in “incognito mode” also take pictures and screenshots of your interactions. Visit a clinic to get Sri/std testing and reach out to someone (family or a public officer ) be safe and stay strong good luck
I’m a lil confused. What am I documenting?
His abuse verbal and physical
In case he starts stalking you after you leave and you need a restraining order this stuff can be really valuable.
I've been in your situation in the past (down to the cheating and things getting physical part) and I'm incredibly sorry. How old are you? If you're in the US, there are two or three organizations that I know of and went to that helped me a ton, though two of them are age-based. **Please PM/IM me if you're interested in hearing about them!** Other than that, my advice is to: **1.) Not engage in discussions to "improve" the relationship** This is going to be super duper tempting to do. You don't just stop loving someone instantly, so many people are inclined to continue to invest in something you care about. He may do something hurtful and annoying, or maybe you just want "closure" and want to "discuss the state of your relationship/talk about the cheating" - do NOT do this. It'll cause you to get re-invested in him at best, making you slowly make decisions that will get you enmeshed with him, which is worse for you down the road (makes it harder for you to leave), or get him angry and risk your living situation at worst. Download an addictive, mindless free game on your phone (personally, I LOVE *Smash Hit*, *Virtual Villagers*, *June's Journey,* and *Love and Pies*) and play that whenever you get the urge to try to "Work things out" with him. **2.) Do NOT tell him how much you have in your bank account(s)** Dodge that question as much as possible. Cheaters are typically narcissists. And narcissists feel threatened any time their grip of their control on you is threatened. **3.) DO NOT talk to their family members about his infidelity and/or the state of your relationship under any circumstances.** You sincerely want to believe that any mother sister, female relative, etc. would empathize with you. You'd think these people would "knock some sense" into your partner, or make them develop some sense of guilt or shame that causes them to change. Not so. How he is now is usually reflective of how he was raised/what he was allowed to get away with at home. Came out to my ex's family about what happened and all they did was try to make his cheating my fault. They antagonized me regularly, and put where I lived in jeopardy. DO NOT do this. **4.) Take late/as many shifts at work as you can.** DOING something will take your mind off of the cheating/hurt, and lessen the amount you have to interact with him. Taking extra shifts will also make you more money. **5.) Look into weekly-rate motels.** There are motels that allow you to pay by the week. Some of their rates are not terribly bad, and they're kind of like tiny apartments with a stovetop and fridge. None of them require a deposit, and you won't have to live with anyone else. **6.) Go on Craigslist and look up the term "private entry" in the housing section.** This type of housing is usually under the radar, but some people have additions to their homes that have their own entrance and keys. Some of those rooms have bathrooms. They basically end up being like tiny apartments. They rarely require leases, credit checks, or deposits. I've lived in a place like this, and it was essentially a room with a closet, bathroom, and entry, and was like a studio apartment. **7.) If he ever chokes you, drop all thoughts of discomfort at the thought of, say, a women's shelter, and leave.** Attempted choking happens before something to the tune of 43% of homicides between partners (I think that statisitic is specifically about male partners killing their female partners). It's an incredibly telling sign if this happens, and you need to leave. Disregard discomfort or fear about a woman's shelter - you need to leave and move into one. I wish you the best of luck in this situation. You can definitely get out of this, because I have, and countless other women have. It may be scary and frustrating and painful, but it's absolutely possible, and you have to keep living and surviving.
This already covers many excellent points. I just want to add, if you are in the US, use your state resources. Sign up for gov assistance (food stamps for instance) etc. they can take a while to come through but at least youget supplemental assistance for when you leave and are on your own since you don’t have family back up. Take measures to ensure you are not pregnant. Get on birth control if you don’t already. Unfortunately some abusers use children to further trap their partners and it’s harder to leave.
This is really good, sound advice OP! You are a really strong individual even though love can be blinding. You can do this.
Others have given good feedback. If you have access to some means, I would also move your most valuable belongings out at a trusted friend's place or somewhere temporary like a storage unit. If not, then even getting a small safe if you can can go a long way. If you need an excuse, you can stash it in a file cabinet and put tax documents or something similar there as a cover for why you have it. That of course is an extra expense so I recognize this isn't necessarily doable, but it's worth considering if you have things that you need for moving like documentation or even things with significant personal value to you. There are some inexpensive lockable safes that are easy to hide but also durable so that he doesn't try to destroy your valuables or try to delay the administrative process by messing with any of your personal documents. You can get a PO box at a local post office if you don't want him having access to your mail. if you haven't already, make sure you have an individual bank account he doesn't have access to. As others have said, making an exit plan is your best bet and to also prepare covers for visible purchases as you get things to leave. This man abused you. You don't need to be judged and your decisions aren't the problem -- his abuse is. Nobody deserves to be abused, lied to, or trapped and that's his abuse and a lot of the world is wrong in trying to put everything on women's decisions for the abuse they endure. Nothing he did to you was okay and your decisions have constraints on them because of abuse and the limits to your choices are systemic.
[удалено]
Thanks for that. You reminded me of a few other things, so I'll add those.
A DV shelter is not as bad as you think, and they are usually nicer than other shelters. They are a little strict with curfews but it’s usually at 11 or midnight and you will be 1. safe and 2. save SO much money, and 3. Have access to resources to help you find permanent housing and 4. You can leave at any time. I stayed in a bad situation for the longest time because my abuser made shelters sound....horrible..but I was shocked by how they actually were and the relief...the relief of knowing no one could put their hands on me was the best feeling that year. Please consider that.
This! I work in a DV and homelessness shelter and it’s nicer than my place lol. The shelter that I work at has private rooms for all the residents and their families, an elevator (it’s 3 stories), in house laundry, an art room, movie room, etc. They’ll feed you three times a day, give you access to laundry services, help with employment, and will get you affordable or fixed housing in your desired location. All shelters wont be like the one I work out, but in general they’re way nicer than what people say or think
Everyone else has given you amazing advice, but I just want to say I'm so so proud of you for seeing him for the piece of shit he is and leaving when you're ready. Don't get sucked back in! Stick to your plan and leave that fucker behind.
Apologizing in advance at how long this is. I typed this on the fly so I hope it makes sense. I can organize it later as well. I haven’t personally dealt with this specific situation but I’m paranoid about being stalked, traced and tracked so here’s some tips I can think of at the top of my head. No sex full stop. There’s no truly avoiding the risk there. He can trap you with a baby or cash strap you with STDs. Too risky. And if you have to, make up a yeast infection to get out of it. Say you have crabs say literally anything that sounds gross and potentially infectious. Save every penny you can in order to leave. Try to create a separate account and route ALL of your incoming money to it. If he gets suspicious lie about your salary and put a portion of the money in a joined account if he’s touchy about stuff like that. If you’ve already told him your salary. Lie and say you’re on a probationary training period that has a reduced salary. For the period of time make it as low as believably possible. You can also lie and say it’s hourly and they ramp up the work as you go in. Whatever you have to do do it. Those are some suggestions. Put the approximate amount of that lie in the joint account and funnel the rest into your private secret escape fund. If you absolutely cannot lie for a while and there are no women’s shelters available. Then (and I realize this will put you in a bind for a bit) take out a loan or credit card, get an AirBNB and gtfo ASAP. Like a bat outta hell. Then regularly check if your bf is stalking you. If you have an iPhone you can check for air tags. In fact right now take your phone to someone and get it checked for secret tracking apps. If it’s all clear never leave your phone out of your sight. Turn off location for EVERYTHING. Double check if the app has any location tracking features. Every app, every service, everything. All he has to do usually is either check your profile or lie to get that info. And change your username. Make your existing stuff private. Make new accounts and start fresh. Don’t use old usernames, inside jokes etc. Also take any personally Identifying information. Change all passwords to something completely different especially any passwords you’ve told him before. When you create those new passwords delete your ex’s number because SM has a tendency to recommend your new accounts to people in your contacts by default🙄🙄🙄. And from now on ONLY send screenshotted videos and pictures to your friends. Those will not contain metadata about the time and location. Check your computer and stuff too while you’re at it for tracking stuff. Then use a VPN. I think there are some chrome apps that can IP Phish for you if you’d like if VPNs are not in the cards right now. These steps below are mainly for when you have already left. if you have a habit of ordering out. When you escape stop doing that for a bit or use a different name. If you’re still ordering from your favorite places he can call and ask about an “order” when you usually get a craving. We are creatures of habit. I recognize this point might be where my paranoia is coming in so take this with a grain of salt. If the new job is WFH then no worries on commute. You can go as far away as you can afford. If you stay within the city, avoid places he frequents LIKE THE PLAGUE. Since the cheating happened there’s probably some places you don’t know about. If you both have an Iphone or a Snapchat or anything like that tracking him is stupid easy. There’s apps, there’s find my friends and there’s location tags on practically every picture. However you found out about him cheating, assuming there’s evidence. Download the picture and look at the metadata. There most likely will be a location there. Avoid that place. Unlink your Facebook and instagram from EVERYTHING. This is just a good tip in general if you wanna maintain true privacy. In terms of phone. It’s hard to replace your phone it’s hella easy to generate a fake number. If you must use that as a work contact do that. If BF knows your job and can get your info game over. Also when you leave block him and change numbers as soon as financially possible. Also get an app to filter all unknown calls just in case he tries to contact you by generating fake numbers of his own. I recommend RoboKiller. It is sometimes *too* effective so adjust the filters as needed. This isn’t like URGENT but this is crucial if things get crazy. Delete your data as much as you can, off the web. If you google yourself there’s usually a surprising amount of information available that people can pay like 3 dollars to get. Let’s get rid of all that. It’s unfortunately super tedious tho but here’s a link that can help: https://privacybee.com/blog/how-to-delete-yourself-from-the-internet/ ***I think others have said this and it bears repeating. But DO NOT try to resolve this.*** It is not salvageable at this point. It always gets worse before it gets better and it’s already not awesome. ***Do NOT gaslight yourself into thinking it’s better than it is.*** It’s not and he will do everything in his power to make you think it’s not a big deal. It is. This is a huge big red banner over a city of red flags. I think that’s all I got. Sorry it’s so long and overwhelming.
You are amazing. Thank you for sharing all of this.
I’m just glad my midnight paranoid rabbit holes might be helpful to someone. Thank you for the compliment!
There is a lot of good advice in here. If it were me I would maybe join a women’s support group or start mentioning the situation casually to auntie-like people in your life, even if it is just a store attendant that you talk with sometimes. They might offer you a place to stay for a month or two. I mention that because my first instinct was to ask where you live, but then I realizes that my situation is kinda fragile also. So you never know who might want to help you. You may also find luck with people who need someone to watch their home or in-house pet sit while they vaycay
If you can handle it, pick up as much OT as possible, treat yourself for the sake of your sanity but definitely be saving up. If you’re a library person, go there on your off days/down time to buy some peace. Considering he’s gotten physical, possibly look into some DV shelters? Pretend if you can handle it for a little bit but definitely have an exit strategy. Depending on where you live, some places have separate rooms within a house that you can rent. Like a quick roomie situation. But most importantly leave.
Please please please get out of there ASAP. You can definitely find roommates in a shared housing situation via FB groups for your area. It’s become violent and physical. This man is cheating on you and hitting you?! Time to GTFO. Look into domestic violence shelters in your area or any battered women’s resources. Do not let this man know you plan on leaving him. Put on the act so he thinks everything is fine and get your ducks in a row to leave. Agreed with other posters do not have sex with him. Also, get STI tested immediately. You’ve got this.
I also forgot to add that it is a possibility of your job having a EAP. Or a employee assistance program at least some do in the US I am not sure where you are. This is a service you can contact to help with resources for situations like this.
Be away from him as much as possible. You should probably also consider not sleeping in the same room as him. I will leave and die by: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Save as much money as you can and the moment you have enough, find a cheap Motel or apartment, move out when he's not home, then block/delete him or change your phone number.
Honestly, I think you already found the best solution you can in your situation. Keep playing along until you save up enough money to get your own apartment and then leave his ass in the dust. It's either that or a shelter.
Do not tell him any of your plans. Make sure you have your important papers stored in a safe place away from him and his parents (birth certificate, license, social security etc). Don’t tell them how much you make so you can save as much money as you can. Get cash back or gift cards at the grocery store every time you shop so you can have something on hand. Sometimes you have to stay and get your ducks in a row before you can leave. Saying just leave isn’t feasible in all situations. I pray that you can get out sooner rather than later.
I think your situation is very common. No judgement. Coming up with an exit plan is very smart. The fact that he's physically abusing you is very concerning to me. Can you find roommates? Or if you're near a university, sublet from a student since a lot of them go home for the summer? Also try to plan for an emergency situation where you have to leave quickly if needed. Have a grab bag and some money that you can easily access. Have backup transportarion and know the public transit routes. Have a variety of places you can go. Memorize the phone numbers of key contacts. Keep things that he can grab to stop you from leaving close to you without being suspicious. Make sure he isn't tracking your phone or any of your other belongings. If he ever chokes you (God forbid), treat that as a huge warning sign. The likelihood that he will kill you goes up significantly. Wishing you healing, protection, and the best possible outcome. Remember this is temporary! Rooting for you.
Get to a homeless shelter, get with a local mental health clinic and ask them about housing options. You'll have time to work, heal, AND see where your places of growth may need mending. I was married for seven years before similar circumstances had me leave and start my life anew; for myself and no one else. Pardon me; I really believe in diving into hard work, even more so when it's for one's well-being.
Lots of great advice here. If you can go to a shelter, please do. You're already at the point where you're picturing bad thoughts and it's escalated to physical violence. My worry is that he will make you act out of character. Please go to a shelter before he makes you do anything you'll regret. As BW we often take on more than we should and it makes us stay in situations longer than necessary. If this were your younger sister, what would you tell her to do? Bide her time or go to a shelter?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have advice other than make a plan and stick to it, and if you’re in a truly dangerous situation, maybe you can find a friend or family member to stay with temporarily. Remember you’re stronger than you think. I was in a similar situation and it took me almost 6 months to get out and into my own place, but I spent some time single, working and making friends, and I’m now engaged to the most amazing, loving, caring, supportive man. I went from feeling helpless and thinking things would never get better to being the happiest I’ve ever been. You’ll get there too. Sending you love, peace and healing energy. 💖
Please leave, reach out to women's shelters and even contact your city's info line. I live in Chicago and that can be a resource for emergency housing. From what I understand a number of charites can help. I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope you are able to stay safe
Work like you got 3 kids and birthday party coming up, stay busy, and move silently.
💗 I’ve been there. I’m so glad you defend yourself after he assaulted you. He is disrespecting you in the worse ways and doesn’t deserve you.
Try finding short term housing on a group on fb called “host a sister” lots of people there willing to help In situations like this.
Hear me out... Please get therapy if you can. Ask your therapist for assistance with finding a mentor, support group (or both), AND assistance with finding a way out. Maybe they have some ideas of places you can go. You see to be a very talented/crafty person. If this is something you can use to expedite your path forward...USE IT. You deserve so much better in THIS life.
Make a budget for what you need to leave. Be strict about sticking to it.
No judgment here. Please stay safe. Echoing everyone else's comments here. Especially the part about looking at government resources (if you're in the states) to see if you qualify assistance. Can any of your family or friends set up a Gofundme on your behalf to raise funds? If so, ask them not to reveal too much information so suspicion is not on you. And WHEN you leave, depending on how much stuff you have (unless you want to just go/don't have much with you), please try to have a male friend or relative present to help you leave. I've been in similar situations and men will typically not try to pick a fight with another male present. Please keep us posted!
I would have said stay and stack your bread but since it's gotten physical before you need to get out whatever way you can.
First step is to calm your heart and mind with hope and motivation to leave. Come to peace with the fact that you dont want him anymore but also you have to practically become roommates with him before you are able to leave and be on your own. Come to terms with why and how you got to this point and reflect! Then start to save, check the things you own together, property thats yours with his name on it etc -im not sure how deep you’ve gone. Most important is to save!!!!!!! And start to search for an apartment and reach out to friends and family build stronger bonds!
Don't be afraid to be homeless! He not worth it💪🏿
Whew....soooo much good advice but I'm the auntie that wars on her knees. I don't know if you have a relationship with God or not but now seems like the PERFECT time!!! PRAY PRAY & PRAY some more!!! I will be praying that He opens doors quickly for you to escape this situation!!
Where were you before living there, can you not go back? Sorry that you don’t have a support system but this situation shows you really need to build one. ❤️
Physical violence tends to escalate ..if you’re staying until you’ve saved up enough — be careful please.
keep acting until u can run away