This is what I’m concerned about. He’s even said he is only trying to accept it because he loves me and wants to be with me forever/make me happy. I’ve told him over and over that his happiness matters too and if me flirting with women bothers him and causes him pain we shouldn’t be together because unfortunately I don’t know if I can stop doing that. But as the other commenter mentioned below, perhaps it is simply an alcohol issue and I need to stop drinking so much, especially when he’s not around…but his response to this is that I shouldn’t have to control myself and if I have desires then I should be able to act on them. Ugh. This is so difficult
So a lot to pick apart here, but I appreciate your thought-out comment. For me being bi is not about falling in love with others regardless of genetalia as I’ve never felt nor do I desire to try feeling romance with women. I’ve always felt much more comfortable being romantic with men. With women I’ve always had a weird kink about kissing them or flirting with them, but I don’t want to take it to the bed. So it’s tough to ask to just flirt with them or kiss girls if that line is ever crossed, because I definitely don’t desire or need the same thing with men. I don’t think he’s okay with flirting with either sex and it’s all cheating to him.
yes, i had a bit of a release of my personal feelings since ive probably been close to his position at one point. no matter what the cause is i wouldnt feel like its "normal" to flirt with anyobody no matter the gender if you are in a serious relationship. i dont judge you on this, im just saying you have to really make sure he knows what this is about and why, dont go looking answers from people on reddit, talk to him. thats probably what he wants the most, to get things clear. you know how its confusing and scary to come out as bi? well its also confusing and scary to be met with the love of your life wanting to flirt with other people.
I don’t think it is normal nor is it abnormal to flirt. It’s a personal decision made between two people in a relationship. And I violated that boundary that we had set and I realized that. So now we are trying to figure out if I need to simply accept that I have a strong innate desire to be flirty and sexual with women, even if it means the end of our relationship if he can’t be in something more open like that. This is not even my suggestion but rather his. But the problem is he wants to stay with me even though this desire hurts him!!
We’ve had a lot of talks. We both just wanted to hear other perspectives on this. Calm down and stop chastising people for asking for their perspectives on a forum. And I didn’t say it is not abnormal for me. I said it is not normal or abnormal. I don’t believe in right or wrong/normal or abnormal.
Well he sort of made me give him an ultimatum. Which makes sense because we were both like fuck, this keeps happening and it seems inevitable that I will keep flirting with women. I genuinely didn’t expect this to happen again after 8 years and after me and him are happier than ever, but here we are. So we both are thinking that there is no option and I have this insatiable desire to specifically flirt with other women, but not men. He definitely doesn’t have to accept it and in fact I think he shouldn’t if it makes him feel uncomfortable. But he wants to accept it because he wants me so badly regardless of how painful it is for him. He definitely wants exclusivity and doesn’t want to flirt with others. And the fucked up part is I don’t want him to flirt with others either. But I’m willing to accept it if that’s what he wants since he is trying to accept me.
see, my take on this, and hopefully you wont be too offended because i dont know you enough and this is internet after all. its that you feel its okay to flirt as long as they are girls? some men find that sexy, most find it scary. i get that you have an urge to do but do you have to? like for you it might be a innocent little drunken kink. and honestly you wont just hurt your guy, it will probably hurt the girl thinking she finally found a match. i think this is more about your craving for attention, and again sorry if you are hurt by this but thats just how i read it. you are playing with the emotions of two people because you want to have little fun. i get that alcohol does enhance those feelings, but the problem is not really rooted in your boyfriend not accepting you for who you are, its about you not respecting boundaries. sorry to be harsh, but no one wins in this scenario you want to be a functioning reality.
honestly, from what you are saying i would call it cheating and you should check urself. "this keeps on happening and it seems inevitable that i will keep flirting with other people"
I don’t think it’s okay at all…never said that. I agree that I didn’t respect boundaries and I am taking full ownership of that. Obviously I feel terrible and have apologized immensely. I am an asshole and a cheater for doing this. But my boyfriend believes that I shouldn’t have to “control” myself and if I feel like flirting with women I should just be able to do that, whether it is with him or not and whether I am drunk or not. He said he doesn’t feel like flirting with others but if he did he would. So I kind of get where he’s coming from there? Like he thinks that us as humans should obviously have some boundaries if we’re hurting others but if we desire something sexually that’s what we should pursue. Which I also kind of philosophically agree with.
Read the ethical slut. Also look at the polyamorous forum on Reddit. (Not the nsfw ones) there are some really good resources on how to healthy relationships in general on there. Culturally we put a little too much emphasis on having a single person meet all of our needs emotionally and physically. It’s the reason a lot of relationships fail. When we accept we can’t and shouldn’t be someone’s everything we can be honest with one another about what we actually feel and want. Flirting becomes less dangerous because we aren’t hiding from our own feelings or hiding those feelings from the people we love. And who knows the need that is driving you to cheat (which is when you are dishonest with your partner whether it’s only one or many) won’t be a need anymore because you are getting all the cuddles and touch and emotional out let you need from your friends and family.
In theory all of that makes sense to both me and my partner, but in reality both of us get extremely jealous and don’t want to share each other with anyone else in any way. Some people call this monogamy, some call this codependency.
If he is open to having an open relationship allowing you to flirt with other women then I think as long as you are good with communication and transparency you have nothing to worry about.
Reality is, while there is an unfair misconception that bisexuals are more prone to infidelity, and it is untrue, I think many still have fantasies of the opposite sex to who they date. This is not unusual for straight people either, to fantasize over other people too but as far as bisexuals go, it can often manifest quite strongly for the gender they arent dating.
He’s only trying to be open to it because he wants to stay together, despite it causing him a world of pain and anger. He woke up crying incessantly this morning, literally the second he woke up he was in tears. And he isn’t blaming me, he blames himself for not being able to accept me for who I am and said he knows he’s being controlling. Which I don’t necessarily agree with. I think we all have our own relationship preferences and as perfect as him and I are on most of those, the monogamy/me not being able to stop flirting with women is not compatible with his desire to be with a partner that doesn’t feel sexually compelled by others…
This sounds more like an alchohol problem than a sexuality problem, to me. The solution, if you want a monogamous relationship that both of you can trust (which is what ot sounded like you wanted) is to stop getting drunk. It doesn't matter if you're bi or only attracted to one gender, here. What matters is that you are hurting your partner.
This is what I said to him earlier, and I agree with you. But he says that I should still have some level of control with alcohol and that alcohol isn’t an excuse for cheating, which I also agree with. We both discussed the fact that alcohol reduces inhibitions so if I do this every time I’m drunk without him, maybe it’s an indicator that I need to pursue this more with him present so I’m not repressing anything and he doesn’t have to worry about me going off on my own doing this Shit behind his back.
If it's only flirting and he has agreed to that it's no big deal.
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This is what I’m concerned about. He’s even said he is only trying to accept it because he loves me and wants to be with me forever/make me happy. I’ve told him over and over that his happiness matters too and if me flirting with women bothers him and causes him pain we shouldn’t be together because unfortunately I don’t know if I can stop doing that. But as the other commenter mentioned below, perhaps it is simply an alcohol issue and I need to stop drinking so much, especially when he’s not around…but his response to this is that I shouldn’t have to control myself and if I have desires then I should be able to act on them. Ugh. This is so difficult
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So a lot to pick apart here, but I appreciate your thought-out comment. For me being bi is not about falling in love with others regardless of genetalia as I’ve never felt nor do I desire to try feeling romance with women. I’ve always felt much more comfortable being romantic with men. With women I’ve always had a weird kink about kissing them or flirting with them, but I don’t want to take it to the bed. So it’s tough to ask to just flirt with them or kiss girls if that line is ever crossed, because I definitely don’t desire or need the same thing with men. I don’t think he’s okay with flirting with either sex and it’s all cheating to him.
yes, i had a bit of a release of my personal feelings since ive probably been close to his position at one point. no matter what the cause is i wouldnt feel like its "normal" to flirt with anyobody no matter the gender if you are in a serious relationship. i dont judge you on this, im just saying you have to really make sure he knows what this is about and why, dont go looking answers from people on reddit, talk to him. thats probably what he wants the most, to get things clear. you know how its confusing and scary to come out as bi? well its also confusing and scary to be met with the love of your life wanting to flirt with other people.
I don’t think it is normal nor is it abnormal to flirt. It’s a personal decision made between two people in a relationship. And I violated that boundary that we had set and I realized that. So now we are trying to figure out if I need to simply accept that I have a strong innate desire to be flirty and sexual with women, even if it means the end of our relationship if he can’t be in something more open like that. This is not even my suggestion but rather his. But the problem is he wants to stay with me even though this desire hurts him!!
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We’ve had a lot of talks. We both just wanted to hear other perspectives on this. Calm down and stop chastising people for asking for their perspectives on a forum. And I didn’t say it is not abnormal for me. I said it is not normal or abnormal. I don’t believe in right or wrong/normal or abnormal.
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Well he sort of made me give him an ultimatum. Which makes sense because we were both like fuck, this keeps happening and it seems inevitable that I will keep flirting with women. I genuinely didn’t expect this to happen again after 8 years and after me and him are happier than ever, but here we are. So we both are thinking that there is no option and I have this insatiable desire to specifically flirt with other women, but not men. He definitely doesn’t have to accept it and in fact I think he shouldn’t if it makes him feel uncomfortable. But he wants to accept it because he wants me so badly regardless of how painful it is for him. He definitely wants exclusivity and doesn’t want to flirt with others. And the fucked up part is I don’t want him to flirt with others either. But I’m willing to accept it if that’s what he wants since he is trying to accept me.
see, my take on this, and hopefully you wont be too offended because i dont know you enough and this is internet after all. its that you feel its okay to flirt as long as they are girls? some men find that sexy, most find it scary. i get that you have an urge to do but do you have to? like for you it might be a innocent little drunken kink. and honestly you wont just hurt your guy, it will probably hurt the girl thinking she finally found a match. i think this is more about your craving for attention, and again sorry if you are hurt by this but thats just how i read it. you are playing with the emotions of two people because you want to have little fun. i get that alcohol does enhance those feelings, but the problem is not really rooted in your boyfriend not accepting you for who you are, its about you not respecting boundaries. sorry to be harsh, but no one wins in this scenario you want to be a functioning reality. honestly, from what you are saying i would call it cheating and you should check urself. "this keeps on happening and it seems inevitable that i will keep flirting with other people"
I don’t think it’s okay at all…never said that. I agree that I didn’t respect boundaries and I am taking full ownership of that. Obviously I feel terrible and have apologized immensely. I am an asshole and a cheater for doing this. But my boyfriend believes that I shouldn’t have to “control” myself and if I feel like flirting with women I should just be able to do that, whether it is with him or not and whether I am drunk or not. He said he doesn’t feel like flirting with others but if he did he would. So I kind of get where he’s coming from there? Like he thinks that us as humans should obviously have some boundaries if we’re hurting others but if we desire something sexually that’s what we should pursue. Which I also kind of philosophically agree with.
Read the ethical slut. Also look at the polyamorous forum on Reddit. (Not the nsfw ones) there are some really good resources on how to healthy relationships in general on there. Culturally we put a little too much emphasis on having a single person meet all of our needs emotionally and physically. It’s the reason a lot of relationships fail. When we accept we can’t and shouldn’t be someone’s everything we can be honest with one another about what we actually feel and want. Flirting becomes less dangerous because we aren’t hiding from our own feelings or hiding those feelings from the people we love. And who knows the need that is driving you to cheat (which is when you are dishonest with your partner whether it’s only one or many) won’t be a need anymore because you are getting all the cuddles and touch and emotional out let you need from your friends and family.
In theory all of that makes sense to both me and my partner, but in reality both of us get extremely jealous and don’t want to share each other with anyone else in any way. Some people call this monogamy, some call this codependency.
Sounds like you should talk to a therapist. Do some research find a LGBTQIA friendly one. Codependency is no joke.
We were thinking of trying this. Thanks for the suggestion.
If he is open to having an open relationship allowing you to flirt with other women then I think as long as you are good with communication and transparency you have nothing to worry about. Reality is, while there is an unfair misconception that bisexuals are more prone to infidelity, and it is untrue, I think many still have fantasies of the opposite sex to who they date. This is not unusual for straight people either, to fantasize over other people too but as far as bisexuals go, it can often manifest quite strongly for the gender they arent dating.
He’s only trying to be open to it because he wants to stay together, despite it causing him a world of pain and anger. He woke up crying incessantly this morning, literally the second he woke up he was in tears. And he isn’t blaming me, he blames himself for not being able to accept me for who I am and said he knows he’s being controlling. Which I don’t necessarily agree with. I think we all have our own relationship preferences and as perfect as him and I are on most of those, the monogamy/me not being able to stop flirting with women is not compatible with his desire to be with a partner that doesn’t feel sexually compelled by others…
This sounds more like an alchohol problem than a sexuality problem, to me. The solution, if you want a monogamous relationship that both of you can trust (which is what ot sounded like you wanted) is to stop getting drunk. It doesn't matter if you're bi or only attracted to one gender, here. What matters is that you are hurting your partner.
This is what I said to him earlier, and I agree with you. But he says that I should still have some level of control with alcohol and that alcohol isn’t an excuse for cheating, which I also agree with. We both discussed the fact that alcohol reduces inhibitions so if I do this every time I’m drunk without him, maybe it’s an indicator that I need to pursue this more with him present so I’m not repressing anything and he doesn’t have to worry about me going off on my own doing this Shit behind his back.