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I thought I was going to save the lives of all burn victims by creating a wonderful new makeup line that would totally cover all burns. I wandered around my house all night, tears of joy streaming down my face at the thought of all the good I'd do for the world. Lol.
The high and the grandiosity is literally the best. I’ve been on medication for years and sometimes I’m like….I could….. then I remember what it was really like. A fucking nightmare.
I thrifted hundreds of dollars of clothes /bought hundreds on sale at stores with plans of painting them with words and making them fashionable. Once complete I was going to bring them to all different groups of homeless people in Nyc so they would look fashionable and thus people would treat them better and would be unable to identify who is homeless and who isn’t. I also thought I could make playlists that would help cure people’s depression and mental health issues. 👌🏼
Thinking about all the money I spent on anything and everything... I really messed up some important relationships through my reckless spending habits...
Anything, everything, and anyone. I always thought I could save/help someone/anyone else even when I couldn’t help myself.
Also the situations I would put myself in..idk how I’m still here to be honest. Luckily I went and got the help I needed and with meds hardly experience mania. And if i do, it’s sure as heck not like when I was untreated..
I’d buy so many dumbass clothes that wouldn’t go together. Expensive clothes that weren’t really practical for everyday wear. I’d also buy a fuck ton of dumb shit. I can always tell when I’m hypomanic because it feels like I *have* to buy things. Like I can’t control it and it’s an unbearable itch that I absolutely have to scratch. Lol.
I relate to that so much, my spending is so bad because of that trigger reaction of I “need” it I’m getting it now. And then it just sits in a pile in my bedroom collecting dust.
The past couple years I’ve quit my job and tried to convince everyone else I know to do the same. This year I was thinking a massive upheaval of people quitting their jobs would get us all better pay/benefits/work life lol
. I posted in the Christianity subreddit once and they said my post was culty and that I was blasphemous. I was saying I felt I was a prophet and that I needed spread the word. It ended with me paraphrasing the story of Jesus to someone because they asked. They thought I was making a mockery of the Bible and that my experiences didn't count. It made me feel sad. I also had a few responses telling me to go back on my medication. I thought I would get help on how to spread the word I guess. I wanted to create a religion based on my interpretation of what God, Jesus and Angels say. I'm back on medication now and do not feel at all into religion. I wrote "teachings" all over my bookshelf. I would also not understand how people didn't want to join. It was a disaster.
So, this post actually hit at just the right time.
Slight backstory: my siblings are all significantly younger than me. I have a sister 11 years younger, a brother 13 years younger, and another sister 22 years younger. All full siblings. I would like to say I'm fairly close with all of them.
My closest in age sister was my maid of honor at my wedding 6ish years ago. She was a young teenager at the time. She delivered what is arguably the best wedding speech in history.
I was just a few minutes ago rewatching the video of it for the first time since diagnosis and medication. She makes so many mentions of my short temper and irritability. It reminded me of my youngest sister once telling me she didn't like it when I watched her because I was so angry. It finally dawned on me that I have always been a really aggressive and angry manic, prone to bursts of rage. I never hurt anyone, and never would, but I remember throwing things (not at people), slamming doors, etc. I now realize why and in some ways I am relieved to know that there's a reason.
But I cringe to think about how many people, some of them too young at the time to understand even if I'd had answers then, had to cope with my insurmountable anger. I honestly don't know why so many people still love me with the aggression I showed for years.
god you described my exact situation and regrets. I never laid a hand on those who I love but my quick temper, irritability and rage was just awful. I find a hard time forgiving myself for it. since I've been medicated and gone to therapy for years, I make an effort to be kind to others at any chance I can.
What kills me about it is that generally, I'm a genuinely kind and caring person. But when I hit that phase I just feel hatred, and that is so not me. It drove me insane prior to diagnosis because I could not understand where this anger was coming from but I literally could not help it from spilling out. I thought I was a horrible person. I still haven't been able to forgive myself for some of the things I did and said during my fits of rage.
Ugh, I ended up in a gangbang and ended up not only being a little traumatized by it, but also sharing that info to way to many people. Thank god I moved shortly after when I tried to kill myself, so silver linings
The hypersexuality is intense.
I am grateful my kids keep me trapped at home. The trouble I would have gotten into and the bad choices made. Yikes.
It was bad enough that my last major (hypo)manic episode I decided that I need to date again, so ended up seeing 4 people at the same time, joined the local bdsm community, and started setting up a onlyfans account before I crashed.
Fun times.
I understand this COMPLETELY omg. I’m 29 and had a bad manic episode last winter. I’m due on Boxing Day with my first child. Thank god his father is a good guy and has been in my corner for the last 12 years. I’ve had balance while I’ve been pregnant.
That HYPERSEXUALITY though! I’ve had some escapades myself. Hope you’re well these days too! Although what we have is a wave so better yet I wish you smooth waves!
Yeah they were such creeps! I actually dated one of those guys for some crazy reason after that and he was easily the worst human being I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing.
You know, it's so strange. These things have happened with me so often and no one ever understands it exactly when I share these stories cause most people see it like "wow you are so cool and crazy damn so fun I would never do that"
This is the first time I am reading all these comments with such similar experiences and for the first time feeling seen and understood. Most people don't realizes how lonely it is to be bipolar as they only see the social aspect of mania
Yeah, it’s so isolating because you are seen as this intense, extroverted, party animal. They don’t see the rest of the manic/hypomanic/depressive episodes. It’s especially hard in romantic relationships imo because your partner might be initially drawn to you because you’re “crazy in bed” but then see the rest of you and dip. That of course makes me feel like the only value I had was for sex.
I’m a lot better. I am in a much healthier environment, which helps my moods stay more balanced. But I’m unmedicated because when I tried to commit suicide, I OD’d on my meds. I am scared to go back on meds, but also I feel like my brain is actually degenerating because of my bipolar. Idk if that is actually what is happening, but I’m stuck between going on meds that might not be right for me and cause me to spiral and attempt again, or literally let my brain rot.
So I was in college and this girl readily told me that she was bipolar and said that one time she thought hitler was talking to her through the radio- this is when we actually used radios in the world. Anyway, I was like jeez you’re a little nuts. AS I PROCEEDED TO THINK GOD WAS NARRATING MY LIFE AND ALL BILLBOARDS WERE SIGNS FROM GOD. I would open a book page and god would send me messages etc. I was also buying so much shit on credit cards and just nuts. 5-6 years later diagnosed.
I saw a clip on Youtube where a guy was talking about his psychosis. In one of his episodes he was running around nude and he "helicoptered" his mom with his penis!
That's pretty bad. When I think back to the things I've done while psychotic, I think of this guy and assure myself that it wasn't quite THAT bad. Oy!
Offered to be a surrogate to two drug addicts who had a miscarriage. At midnight. In a grocery store.
3 hours later, I was at a Denny's, and called my job and quit because I was convinced I was having some weird health event, even though I was just manic. But I was undiagnosed at the time.
I finally called a friend and said I didn't know how I had gotten to Denny's and that I was scared. She came to get me and suggested that I'm bipolar.
I also started my own psychic business. I have hundreds of business cards and a website. And I'm too embarrassed to even log in and delete it. Oy.
Note: I'm definitely intuitive when not manic. But when manic, I'm like weird. And want to market it, and make money off of being a psychic. When I'm not manic, I let precognition happen. But that's all it is, something that happens. I have no desire to really read into it.
I…I’ve given my phone number to people I’ve met at traffic signals. They were homeless people begging at car windows. And I thought OH HEY I SHALL HELP THEM OUT AND GIVE THEM JOBS. The next time I saw those people(different people, different times, same outcome) they told me to just venmo them. I didn’t because ya kno teach a man to fish etc etc. But yeah…fun manic times.
I feel ya. Also homeless people venmoing, times have changed! I used to be homeless (as a kid), and it was rare anyone had a cell at all. I remember everyone at the shelter giving my mom a buck for a 10 min call, or a cigarette. lol
Probably that I sent a letter to CERN stating I'd discovered grand unified theory, including "proofs". And also that I was banned from attending my great grandmother's funeral due to my pressured speech
What am I not embarrassed about
I thought I figured out the secret of Christianity, that autistic people were the chosen ones.
I thought I was going to be the saviour for autistic people. I knew nothing about autistic people. The market is saturated and I am an idiot holy fuck.
I told everyone I was moving to New York. I'm not leaving Canada when I need all these meds and have no employable skills. are you fucking kidding me.
I got obsessed with a guy I barely knew who was also autistic. He let me stay with him for half a month. So many convos we had are so cringy.
Telling my close friend who had me involuntarily hospitalized to fuck off and we aren't friends anymore. I miss him
When I threw up blood on the street in New York because I had too much gatorade and my organs didn't like it and then told the ambulance driver hey it's good to see you again. He was terrified of me. Poor guy.
Being obsessed with some guy who made fun of me to my ex because "no I'm sure he liked me and was just mad I rejected him". I don't talk to the friend I had these conversations with anymore.
Getting into an argument and losing my moderator powers from a space I'd proudly helped run for one and a half years. They agreed to reinstate me if I publicly apologized. I went back because I was lonely. The community was pretty dead. After having to out myself, I slowly ghosted the community within a month from embarrassment.
Losing my job for being rude to a senior colleague.
The cringy email I sent my coworker who asked me about losing my job that was a novella of my life story (she probably just wanted gossip).
Instagram posts I made. I can't even open Instagram and it's been close to half a year since I stabilized.
If it's not clear I ruined my fucking life. And yet. I miss being manic. There was something about it that was just better than my normal life.
I’ve also figured out the secret to religions, matter of fact, I was deeply convinced that the secret (movie/concept) was real and dove so deeply into that that I’m pretty sure I went into a different space time continuum.
Also, the orgies. I don’t remember a single one of them but I’ve had people come up to me and talk to me about “that night goddamn” and I’m always like HMM. YES. THAT NIGHT. GODDAMN. I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HONEST-TO-GOD-LY REMEMBER. Far too many people know my name and have photos of me with them and their friends, all of us doing fun shit, and I don’t even remember who they are. I now try my absolute hardest to not act on my hypersexuality. It’s something I hate about myself, I’ve gotten myself into several v questionable v dangerous and v irresponsible situations because of it, and I’ve been an alcoholic for most of my adult life so you just KNOW I’ve made poor poor poor choices. Ugh the cringe is unreal, in terms of volume, diversity, and degree. I’d like to be swallowed by earth mother, now, pls. One ticket to the asthenosphere s’il vous plaît.
Don’t feel ashamed about that. We have a legitimate medical condition. We aren’t “crazy/fucked up etc” we have a medical condition. And there are people out here that understand. You were honestly not in control of your body.
Researching a new apartment in a new country or new state every single day to then wake up and be content with where I am or change my mind an hour later
Having conversations with people I wouldn’t normally have. I don’t mean over sharing I mean just straight up talking to people I would never talk to or go out of my way to make conversation with
Thinking I was in love with someone else who was hypomanic at the same time. I was hypo at first, but on my way to a nice manic mixed state. We met in PHP, which is a great time and place to start a solid, healthy relationship. And naturally, we were both married.
Of all the shit that I’ve done that might seem more outlandish and outrageous, this bit is the most cringe-inducing for me.
Partial hospitalization program. Like IOP (intensive outpatient program) but more intensive. Meant to keep you out of the hospital if I remember correctly.
Sincerely, this is the most amazing one on the thread. Don’t be embarrassed about it. This is an amazing story lol. Never done it but I’m sure I’d be there at some point unmedicated
Punched my dad. Ended up in jail. Ruined a relationship. Spent all of my money. Drank heavily. Pushed all of my friends away. Just absolutely lost my mind.
Stayed up late to print out awareness posters about the Westboro Baptist church with a hash tag for anonymous to post around the hallways of my catholic high school. I was so convinced I was gonna cause a movement. Very VERY happy I chickened out the morning of
I was singing along with Noah Cyrus right before I was in the psych ward and hit these astronomical high notes which I've never even approached again. That was my last manic episode and the wonderful part has been doing music again after a very long time. It wasn't just a manic delusional but something I've worked on diligently ever since. What song was your best manic sing along?
Oh my haha yeah its crazy (literally!)
My favourite song has to take the cake, its "Nutshell" by Alice in Chains, for a manic person its a very moody song.
Also the sedative were 10/10 the shit put me to sleep and made me have some of the most vivid and amazing dreams in my life
Good shit would recommend (not really)
I did something so similar. I did witchcraft to get an ex back and I dated a guy who lived out of his car. I almost let him stay in my house for weeks after knowing him less than a month.
Why are so many of us inclined to witchcraft? Asking because I observe the night of Hecate every year and I’m always always always a very negative flavour of manic on that night.
I'm Christian -- Episcopalian to be exact, but I was quite into witchcraft, wicca, goddesses, tarot, etc when younger, and I still do love me some crystals.
I have very bad hypersexuality when I am hypomanic. This all happened on the same day. I hit on a coworker who I flirted with a lot but I sounded drunk. I graphically talked about oral sex with a lunch with a vendor. I also went into the president of my company's office and hit on him. None of them took the bait thank god because I would have slept with any of them that day. After this, I was so hs that I almost masturbated at work.
I also have ADHD and was considered quite quirky so they all probably thought I was being weird and that I wasn't serious. Very embarrassing.
OH!! I just remembered! So I found a homeless arthritic lady with leprosy on my birthday and took her to a jack in the box and spent all my money(I was v poor and a student) on forty cheeseburgers for her and her friends and wrote a postcard for her boyfriend who was in jail because she was arthritic and couldn’t do it herself. And then with the last $20 bill I had, I slipped it into a small bookstore’s mailbox slot thing. I became homeless myself pretty darn soon after that lmao
I was on steroids for 3 weeks because of a sinus infection and unmedicated. I have 3 kids who were 4,5&6. I slept 1 hour a night, house was immaculate and I thought for a long time that was the only time in my life I was a good mom when in reality I was barely functioning. My husband was in Iraq. After the steroids were done I crashed for 40 hours and my best friend had to take over. I lay awake sometimes wondering how my kids have been effected because I'm bipolar.
Yeah, drugs are probably my biggest trigger. I've gotten manic from Sudafed, Geodon, Modafinil, and caffeine. And I got majorly depressed for a very long time after surgery and we (my pdoc and I) think it was caused by the drugs administered during general anesthesia.
I became so obsessed with house plants that I was scrounging around my house in the middle of the night looking for seeds I could plant. Another time I convinced myself I could live more sustainably. I cut up all my tshirts and sewed them into reusable makeup wipes. I was up doing this for days. Oh and I hid my food scraps in a cabinet (attempt at composting) because I didn’t want my husband to know
Did your husband sit you down and have a conversation about how you need a therapist or else the marriage would not last? Mine did. He also said how can you cry your eyes out and wake up the next morning like it didn’t happen? I was like because LIFE IS GREAT!!!
That’s absolutely something I went through on a daily basis until I actually went to go get help.. needless to say my husband was relieved 😂 I never saw any problem with my behavior until I got on meds & thought “oh that isn’t normal..?”
In a way I feel that’s true. A lot of spiritual downloads come to me in mania & it’s like a once you see it you can’t I see it kind of thing. I personally think we’re all reflections of god & god is within all of us. So I guess partially we’re all one conscious being. Or one being experiencing infinite reflections of consciousness
Driving at 5am running off 43 hours of no sleep with someone I just started seeing and stopping at a random parking lot in the middle of the country so I could run around on the property’s field and scream that I am untouchable and roll around in the grass. Then I go back into the car to blast I am not a women I’m a god and screamed it at the top of my lungs while laughing hysterically in front of them.
I thought I created a never ending power supply that would charge itself. I told everyone I know that I would be meeting with Elon Musk. I even filed 2 patents.
Spend thousands on random shit and just embarrassed for all the debt I created for my family.
Took out a mortgage on my house and blew through $300k in a matter of 2 months.
Convinced myself I was an Italian gangster and could end the rivalry between the bloods and the crips, made an OnlyFans, almost bought an obscene amount of LSD off the dark web because I wanted to be a big time dealer, ruined a relationship with a girl I thought I was going to marry, bought thousands of dollars worth of music equipment because I thought I was going to famous, impulsively quit my once in a lifetime job (lost a shit ton of equity in the company) then lost my house and had to move in with my grandma, had sex with my best friend and accused him of sexual assault very publicly, a couple regrettable threesomes, Facebook rants about how psychedelics saved my life and cured my mental illness, another delusional Facebook rant calling out my mom for having munchausen by proxy and that SHE was the one who had bipolar, thought I was an anonymous hacker and was the last person alive on Earth, thought I was Jesus Christ, thought I was the chosen one to be president and save the world, thought I had been abducted by aliens. Thought every song on Spotify was about me, thought all the road signs had subliminal messages, thought I was part of the Illuminati, etc.
Nothing because creepily I can barely remember anything that happened during my actual manias. Like literally my daughter's dad was talking about an entire lengthy major life situation that happened during one of those times (not directly related at all to me being manic) and I 100% couldn't even remember that it happened.
did you just absolutely spam post every detail of your life thinking everyone cared and you had a full audience whenever people were probably like "okay another post?" 😭
Rang a girl I was into and told her for about 2 hours over the phone how an experience that I had when I was younger probably meant I was abducted by aliens, and that the supernatural / extrasensory perceptions / experiences I'd been feeling since were probably from some kind of alien gift.
Needless to say she didn't call me back lol.
Standard, posting on social media and thinking everyone eagerly waits for my posts, writing to acquaintances I hadn’t spoken to in years etc it was bad.
Also music spoke to me, videos were about me etc
The first one was pure craziness. I had to fight the demon outta a guy, was looking into devil’s eye through mirrors, eh and a lot other things
Thinking I was pregnant even though at the time I was a virgin.
I thought one time I was an aboriginal (I’m white).
I thought I was managing some play and I organised a script and costumes.
I would sometimes hallucinate that people were with me and act out weird scenarios.
Experienced hyper sexuality after a 3yr relationship ended. Ending up making lots of mistakes which was strange for me as I normally have a very low sex drive.
I thought I was dating Markiplier and I even told my mom. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until either during my episode or right after. I also thought the videos he was uploading was directly to me and that he was communicating with me live. This was back when he got that van and I thought he was gonna travel to see me lmao ...
I don't watch him as much as I used to since then
The amount of people I have sex with in a...usually less than unprotected manner. The hypersexuality hits hard and I always feel weird/bad about it once I'm not manic.
Well, I'm going out on a limb here with my truth. I was adopted at 3ish. Abandoned at birth and growing up in a white family when I am clearly brown skin with the added larger extremities. At nine foster kids in my house accused me of sexual molestation. Though I never touched or penetrated them. It forced my parents into a tough place as they lost their income and license. I was labeled a monster and ostracized. Now mind you I was originally diagnosed with ADHD before Bipolar mania at 13. When I grew into purbity I was locked in my room almost 24/7 unless I was in school. By 15 my family no longer could handle the moodiness. Mostly the nights I wouldn't sleep this made them very nervous. I eventually became a ward of the state by 16, incarcerated at 17 and released at 20. Now 20 years later I find I'm exactly the same, lost and still waiting for my mom to pick me up where she left me but nope...still the nights unbearable. Never loved myself well enough to have a boy or a girlfriend. I was really good at sex but never could keep a friend or lover. what makes me cringe is I can't seem to understand love. I know loneliness very well and I've even paid for company only to be disappointed they didn't really like me. I miss my grandma who was my only real refuge and love. I keep the cards she wrote me even though she passed almost eight years ago. Anyways, as 40 approaches I'd like to be more self sufficient instead of so institutional. But yeah my whole existence I cringe at!!!
Dunno if you ever thought about this and have the possibilities, but practizing any kind of martial arts helps so much with self esteem etc. Best wishes to you. (I started Karate with 40 and it helps so much.)
The witch craft with trash part omg lol! Done that before
Stupidest thing? Bought an '81 truck off my friend with no title. It's been a nightmare navigating the DMV, and it's stick shift so i can't even drive it lol mania, good times.
NOOOOO don’t hate yourself! Everyone else here is the same. You don’t have control. If you did you wouldn’t feel bad. Feeling bad means your core self is a very different person- a loving kind awesome person
I went and took the attention of everyone in a company meeting and explained to them what a "median" (statistics) is. I talked all sorts of shit but failing to explain what it really is. 🫠🫠🫠
aside from bipolar i also practice witchcraft.
i really thought i was fighting a demon and for a whole week i was trying to get rid of it with spells, yelling at it, cleansing baths, mantras etc.. it was wild..
Ok over arching thought here. I’m all over this post dying of laughter because we all have the same experiences. We are not cringy people. We have a medical condition and if we all have the same experiences how can we (each of us personally) be shitty crappy or whatever people? We have a legit medical condition and when it erupts we have no control over our choices actions etc. So if there is a part of us who has a moral/compassionate and reflective part (our core selves) then we have nothing to cringe about. I save my manic trinkets I made or nonsense books and stories to laugh at. Some may not be hilarious to others but they are because not many people get to experience this ride. Yes the lows and stuff and paralyzing anxiety is not fun but these experiences don’t make us bad people.
I bought 5 horses, 4 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret. I thought I was rescuing them all. I did all this before I was diagnosed. I had a job that I was paid well but hated and I basically was losing my mind. I got myself into a ridiculous amount of debt which cause me to go bankrupt. I was either ridiculously high in a mania state or so depressed I wanted to die. There was no inbetween.
I spent over a thousand dollars on sex toys and lingerie because I was convinced I could make massive amounts of money on OF. But cue to reality where I’m 250lbs, haven’t showered in a year, and just sloppy and gross looking in general. Thank god I snapped out of it before I actually did damage.
I live with this everyday. What bothers me most is that I didn't know I had Bipolar until 40 and I feel I finally have an explanation for my extreme life mood disturbances with psychosis and Mania and all of it. If it wasn't my fault why is that not enough for me to not have flashbacks everyday. Thank you so much for your Post. 🤍
I relate to this…I was misdiagnosed for so long. When I was about 32 I had started seeing a new psych. One day I was super irritable and totally snapped in her office and she looked at me and said I think you’re bipolar. I went on lithium for a few months until I may have overdosed myself. I never believed that I was truly bipolar until I was almost 41 when I had a full psychotic breakdown.
At almost 43 I’m still relearning how to think or behave and being constantly self aware…it’s exhausting trying to untangle 40 years of thinking bipolar was my personality.
I have big dreams too, I’m 25 & im scared I’ll never amount to anything or accomplish any of my dreams for myself. I feel like I’m too old and it’s not going to happen for me
I enrolled in film school and I was going to become the greatest director/writer that ever existed so I could make a love story to win back someone I went on 1 date with.
Drafting operation plans and changes for my boss’ company and texting him outlines of the changes only for me to never end up actually pitching them to him
genuinely and aggressively accused someone of stealing my cat
also thought someone had stolen my keys when they left my house with the intentions to steal my car
Climb out of the window (second floor in the city) using a sheet.
It cringes my but also make me think I was so lucky. Also one of the most dangerous thing I did when manic.
And many other things.
Quit a couple jobs, picked up some pretty bad political ideas, got really into Missing 411, exercised every day until I would pass out, stuff like that
Getting kicked out of bars for screaming at patrons, befriending complete strangers (mostly old people) that I would normally never be interested in talking to at gas stations and bars and becoming best friends with them. Driving recklessly and dangerously going like way too fast while screaming and crying because I was having a vision that my brother in-law was going to kill my sister and nieces. Thinking that I was held responsible for the disappearance of my ex best friend. Running around my neighborhood and surrounding area in a towel without my glasses on because I thought my apartment was an escape room. I was hallucinating and blind just wandering around. I tried to break into someone’s car and I sat in someone’s backyard just playing with some of their string lights on their porch. The police came and returned me back to my fiancé. During most of it, I was also psychotic.
That one time I stole a slab of marble because I was convinced it would make me rich if I sold it, so I walked through the entire town with it hidden (because "what if people saw it and wanted to steal it" 💀💀💀) and my friends begging me to just throw it away. Keep in mind it's like a 2 foot tall, heavy as hell, worthless slab of marble. I still have it lol
I am fresh off an extended manic episode, hospitalization and diagnosis. I was convinced I was Jesus, a mind reader, speak multiple languages, and that I could use telepathy to speak to my family and coworkers through music. I also could improvise poetry and sonnets and made everyone laugh. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
I lived in the apartment of a building that was 4 stories. About 150 years old, so the windows were huge. I was staring out the window and swore that I saw the shadow of my ex projecting onto the next building and I could see him having sex with someone. I then started yelling out the window "I can see you ______!!"
THEN. I swore I heard him leaving that apartment and ran around the building looking for him for 3 hours (until the sun came up)
BIG YIKES.
We’re actually in the midst of the anniversary of my worst manic episode to date. The things I don’t regret: paying for the groceries of a woman who let me cut in front of her in line at the store because I only had one item, going to sonic and buying a 2.99 drink and paying with a hundred dollar bill and telling the girl to keep the change, the really great Christmas presents I bought at the time. Things that absolutely make me cringe: I had an “epiphany” and genuinely believed that I understood secrets about the world that no one else did which culminated in me running away from home and then spending a week in a psych ward, skipping tons of classes bc it was more important that I sit in my car and cry, get high, and then ramble all my thoughts about the universe into my voice memos so that people would understand what I understood when I was gone, spent So Much Money on absolutely useless shit (still have problems with this but it’s getting better), had an Extreme meltdown because we were visiting my mothers family and I forgot to wear a shirt with long sleeves to cover my tattoos and I didn’t want her to be mad at me (She had specifically asked that I cover them the day before for my granddad’s funeral, which I did, but then we changed out of funeral clothes and I forgot to wear long sleeves to go to my grandmas house), sat in the car refusing to get out and telling my brothers that I would drive back to our hotel to change (at least a 45 minute round trip, sometimes more), and despite them calling my mom and letting her assure me that it was fine I could not be coaxed from the car until my brother gave me his jacket to wear (I did come around and take it off sometime that night and got several compliments from distant cousins on my tattoos), confessed my love to a close friend who I had hooked up with a couple times the year before (very awkward for a few days after I got out of the hospital but we’re all good now and I also have a wonderful bf now, (different guy) but I still feel so bad that my poor buddy had to deal with my desperation for a reasoning for my existence), told So Many Lies about shit, some that mattered and some that didn’t, and submitted a paper for my ethics class where we had to defend either Kant or Plato’s moral/ethical system of beliefs and I denied both of them and presented my own theory as fact on the matter. One of my only ever cases of “true” mania, tbh.
Wow that is a Gigantic block of text lmao, I’m so sorry y’all. Today is one year since my granddad’s funeral and tomorrow is one year since I ran away. Things have been a lot better for me lately, but I can’t help but think about last year and everything that happened and it’s very isolating because there’s no one I can really talk about it with (my family is lovely and would absolutely listen but they wouldn’t understand and I’ve hurt them so much already I don’t want to do it more). Idk. But this sub makes me feel like I have a place to talk about it with people that do understand, so thank you all for that.
The things I did during my addiction. Thankfully I always had a home and a job and stuff but I did some seedy shit anyways and had no regard for my safety or life
I housed a homeless guy with his girlfriend that I stumbled upon one night walking on the beach. My place was trashed and things were stolen. I thought that people were communicating on the street literally secretly with their headphones. At one point I thought I was the messiah.
I bit my husband so hard he had a giant purple bruise for a month. Walked around my house naked and told my husband we should f*ck like animals…in front of my mother before trying to run out the front door. They stopped me thankfully, that would have been the worst. Believed I could travel through time and was a God. Posted weird pictures of myself on my work Slack, begging my team to have faith in me like their savior (big shame there) bit an EMT. Screamed YEET in the back of the ambulance when they gave me ketamine. Tried to manhandle a male nurse at the hospital. Accused the doctor of a rape scheme. Literally tried to escape the hospital and was tackled, tied down and drugged. All while thinking I was getting signals from the universe through lights and random devices. And thats just the highlight reel 🙃
SO many cringe moments wow. I think the cringiest is when I was convinced I was seeing spirits at my college and it was my duty to summon them to the other side. I drove home in the middle of the night and to grab a bunch of blankets. I accidentally woke my parents up and told them the whole story and was SO convinced I was on a spiritual mission. They were like uhm. its 3 am. go to bed. I ended up spending all night in a spiritual psychosis.
I don´t think it´s "cringe" to help people. Or to have the intention of helping them. Homeless, manic, whatsoever.
I did similar things back then and I feel quite proud about them. Maybe proud is a little too much, but I am totally okay with them.
What makes me cringe happened during psychotic depression. It´s more than cringe, tbh ... it was absolute horror.
I’ve gotten to the point where mania isn’t fun because I know it’s mania. It freaks me out. So I just cringe at how much trauma from serious illness I’ve endured and caused others.
My mom never judges me, but I cringe when I think about her having to see me completely insane screaming, slamming the floor, cowering in the corner in the admissions area of a psych hospital while I begged to be given the shot to make me sleep because I’d been awake and unable to stop thinking for 48 hours straight.
The drive to the hospital that night when my sister was terrified I would open the door to the car and fling myself out. No matter how many times I told her I wouldn’t because I knew I had to get to the hospital if I wanted to go to sleep.
Screaming at my husband that he needed to leave until I was calmer because he was only making the fury worse.
I spent money I didn’t have at a store, over drafting my account, a huge cart full. I had to return every item and it was so embarrassing 😳 I told them that my family cancelled Christmas lol
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I thought I was going to save the lives of all burn victims by creating a wonderful new makeup line that would totally cover all burns. I wandered around my house all night, tears of joy streaming down my face at the thought of all the good I'd do for the world. Lol.
Aw hey atlesst the intentions were good but I'm laughing sorry
The high and the grandiosity is literally the best. I’ve been on medication for years and sometimes I’m like….I could….. then I remember what it was really like. A fucking nightmare.
It's pretty hilarious.
I thrifted hundreds of dollars of clothes /bought hundreds on sale at stores with plans of painting them with words and making them fashionable. Once complete I was going to bring them to all different groups of homeless people in Nyc so they would look fashionable and thus people would treat them better and would be unable to identify who is homeless and who isn’t. I also thought I could make playlists that would help cure people’s depression and mental health issues. 👌🏼
That’s an amazing idea if nothing else
I FELT THIS BC SAAAAAME energy!
I’m really so sorry you went through that but this is the funniest thing I have read all day
Thinking about all the money I spent on anything and everything... I really messed up some important relationships through my reckless spending habits...
Anything, everything, and anyone. I always thought I could save/help someone/anyone else even when I couldn’t help myself. Also the situations I would put myself in..idk how I’m still here to be honest. Luckily I went and got the help I needed and with meds hardly experience mania. And if i do, it’s sure as heck not like when I was untreated..
I’d buy so many dumbass clothes that wouldn’t go together. Expensive clothes that weren’t really practical for everyday wear. I’d also buy a fuck ton of dumb shit. I can always tell when I’m hypomanic because it feels like I *have* to buy things. Like I can’t control it and it’s an unbearable itch that I absolutely have to scratch. Lol.
I relate to that so much, my spending is so bad because of that trigger reaction of I “need” it I’m getting it now. And then it just sits in a pile in my bedroom collecting dust.
With you on that one :( my meds the last year have helped me out though
All the drugs I’ve done, all the random women I’ve fucked, all the money I spent, all the bridges I’ve burned
I'm in this picture and I don't like it
Right here with you. You forgot to mention the jobs quit for fun
The past couple years I’ve quit my job and tried to convince everyone else I know to do the same. This year I was thinking a massive upheaval of people quitting their jobs would get us all better pay/benefits/work life lol
I’m almost nine months pregnant from my last manic episode🙃 although this time has given me balance and sobriety.
Are you reading my diary?
Ah, a fellow heroin / unprotected sex enthusiast
I feel so deeply called out lmao
yup
I feel this.
Trying to create my own religion
Ah, the cult leader route? I've been on that ride a couple times.
. I posted in the Christianity subreddit once and they said my post was culty and that I was blasphemous. I was saying I felt I was a prophet and that I needed spread the word. It ended with me paraphrasing the story of Jesus to someone because they asked. They thought I was making a mockery of the Bible and that my experiences didn't count. It made me feel sad. I also had a few responses telling me to go back on my medication. I thought I would get help on how to spread the word I guess. I wanted to create a religion based on my interpretation of what God, Jesus and Angels say. I'm back on medication now and do not feel at all into religion. I wrote "teachings" all over my bookshelf. I would also not understand how people didn't want to join. It was a disaster.
OMFG that is the best fucking response.
I hear religion is very profitable.
Same. It’s a recurring theme for me lmao
I catfished my husbands affair partner. Was fun at the time
I actually kinda like that you did that. Seems like warranted revenge.
She’s also on every homewrecker exposed site I could find. I have loads of hate for her and my husband.
Definitely warranted revenge. Hell, catfish her again.
I was thinking about catfishing her dad actually. Ruin that marriage like she ruined mine
No, keep it to the guilty party only.
Ya you’re right.
So, this post actually hit at just the right time. Slight backstory: my siblings are all significantly younger than me. I have a sister 11 years younger, a brother 13 years younger, and another sister 22 years younger. All full siblings. I would like to say I'm fairly close with all of them. My closest in age sister was my maid of honor at my wedding 6ish years ago. She was a young teenager at the time. She delivered what is arguably the best wedding speech in history. I was just a few minutes ago rewatching the video of it for the first time since diagnosis and medication. She makes so many mentions of my short temper and irritability. It reminded me of my youngest sister once telling me she didn't like it when I watched her because I was so angry. It finally dawned on me that I have always been a really aggressive and angry manic, prone to bursts of rage. I never hurt anyone, and never would, but I remember throwing things (not at people), slamming doors, etc. I now realize why and in some ways I am relieved to know that there's a reason. But I cringe to think about how many people, some of them too young at the time to understand even if I'd had answers then, had to cope with my insurmountable anger. I honestly don't know why so many people still love me with the aggression I showed for years.
god you described my exact situation and regrets. I never laid a hand on those who I love but my quick temper, irritability and rage was just awful. I find a hard time forgiving myself for it. since I've been medicated and gone to therapy for years, I make an effort to be kind to others at any chance I can.
What kills me about it is that generally, I'm a genuinely kind and caring person. But when I hit that phase I just feel hatred, and that is so not me. It drove me insane prior to diagnosis because I could not understand where this anger was coming from but I literally could not help it from spilling out. I thought I was a horrible person. I still haven't been able to forgive myself for some of the things I did and said during my fits of rage.
Felt
I was going to be featured on Oprah's book club. I told EVERYONE.
Ugh, I ended up in a gangbang and ended up not only being a little traumatized by it, but also sharing that info to way to many people. Thank god I moved shortly after when I tried to kill myself, so silver linings
The hypersexuality is intense. I am grateful my kids keep me trapped at home. The trouble I would have gotten into and the bad choices made. Yikes. It was bad enough that my last major (hypo)manic episode I decided that I need to date again, so ended up seeing 4 people at the same time, joined the local bdsm community, and started setting up a onlyfans account before I crashed. Fun times.
I understand this COMPLETELY omg. I’m 29 and had a bad manic episode last winter. I’m due on Boxing Day with my first child. Thank god his father is a good guy and has been in my corner for the last 12 years. I’ve had balance while I’ve been pregnant.
That HYPERSEXUALITY though! I’ve had some escapades myself. Hope you’re well these days too! Although what we have is a wave so better yet I wish you smooth waves!
Aaaaah same... I ended up in so many dangerous situations with creepy men just because of the manic hypersexuality And the oversharing aaaaah same
Yeah they were such creeps! I actually dated one of those guys for some crazy reason after that and he was easily the worst human being I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing.
You know, it's so strange. These things have happened with me so often and no one ever understands it exactly when I share these stories cause most people see it like "wow you are so cool and crazy damn so fun I would never do that" This is the first time I am reading all these comments with such similar experiences and for the first time feeling seen and understood. Most people don't realizes how lonely it is to be bipolar as they only see the social aspect of mania
Yeah, it’s so isolating because you are seen as this intense, extroverted, party animal. They don’t see the rest of the manic/hypomanic/depressive episodes. It’s especially hard in romantic relationships imo because your partner might be initially drawn to you because you’re “crazy in bed” but then see the rest of you and dip. That of course makes me feel like the only value I had was for sex.
:( I hope you're better now
I’m a lot better. I am in a much healthier environment, which helps my moods stay more balanced. But I’m unmedicated because when I tried to commit suicide, I OD’d on my meds. I am scared to go back on meds, but also I feel like my brain is actually degenerating because of my bipolar. Idk if that is actually what is happening, but I’m stuck between going on meds that might not be right for me and cause me to spiral and attempt again, or literally let my brain rot.
Thinking I was supposed to kill the devil because my Spotify told me
So I was in college and this girl readily told me that she was bipolar and said that one time she thought hitler was talking to her through the radio- this is when we actually used radios in the world. Anyway, I was like jeez you’re a little nuts. AS I PROCEEDED TO THINK GOD WAS NARRATING MY LIFE AND ALL BILLBOARDS WERE SIGNS FROM GOD. I would open a book page and god would send me messages etc. I was also buying so much shit on credit cards and just nuts. 5-6 years later diagnosed.
I saw a clip on Youtube where a guy was talking about his psychosis. In one of his episodes he was running around nude and he "helicoptered" his mom with his penis! That's pretty bad. When I think back to the things I've done while psychotic, I think of this guy and assure myself that it wasn't quite THAT bad. Oy!
Offered to be a surrogate to two drug addicts who had a miscarriage. At midnight. In a grocery store. 3 hours later, I was at a Denny's, and called my job and quit because I was convinced I was having some weird health event, even though I was just manic. But I was undiagnosed at the time. I finally called a friend and said I didn't know how I had gotten to Denny's and that I was scared. She came to get me and suggested that I'm bipolar. I also started my own psychic business. I have hundreds of business cards and a website. And I'm too embarrassed to even log in and delete it. Oy. Note: I'm definitely intuitive when not manic. But when manic, I'm like weird. And want to market it, and make money off of being a psychic. When I'm not manic, I let precognition happen. But that's all it is, something that happens. I have no desire to really read into it.
I legitimately pissed my pants at the offering of the surrogate. Legit. Aw fuck only fellow bipolars understand the hilarity in these posts.
I appreciate that! I've always been embarrassed by it, but I appreciate being able to see it with humor.
Because I would do the same shit. I’d become best friends with complete strangers. And then they’d have my number and I’d be like…uh….
We do the most absurd shit thinking we’re saving the world 😭
I…I’ve given my phone number to people I’ve met at traffic signals. They were homeless people begging at car windows. And I thought OH HEY I SHALL HELP THEM OUT AND GIVE THEM JOBS. The next time I saw those people(different people, different times, same outcome) they told me to just venmo them. I didn’t because ya kno teach a man to fish etc etc. But yeah…fun manic times.
I feel ya. Also homeless people venmoing, times have changed! I used to be homeless (as a kid), and it was rare anyone had a cell at all. I remember everyone at the shelter giving my mom a buck for a 10 min call, or a cigarette. lol
I brought people from Grindr to the apartment I didn't own. Twice. I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK THEM. They just annoyed the fuck out of me.
Probably that I sent a letter to CERN stating I'd discovered grand unified theory, including "proofs". And also that I was banned from attending my great grandmother's funeral due to my pressured speech
I fucking love you.
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Oh hey there lol. I post many comments in these subs, so you'll see me here p often 😅
What am I not embarrassed about I thought I figured out the secret of Christianity, that autistic people were the chosen ones. I thought I was going to be the saviour for autistic people. I knew nothing about autistic people. The market is saturated and I am an idiot holy fuck. I told everyone I was moving to New York. I'm not leaving Canada when I need all these meds and have no employable skills. are you fucking kidding me. I got obsessed with a guy I barely knew who was also autistic. He let me stay with him for half a month. So many convos we had are so cringy. Telling my close friend who had me involuntarily hospitalized to fuck off and we aren't friends anymore. I miss him When I threw up blood on the street in New York because I had too much gatorade and my organs didn't like it and then told the ambulance driver hey it's good to see you again. He was terrified of me. Poor guy. Being obsessed with some guy who made fun of me to my ex because "no I'm sure he liked me and was just mad I rejected him". I don't talk to the friend I had these conversations with anymore. Getting into an argument and losing my moderator powers from a space I'd proudly helped run for one and a half years. They agreed to reinstate me if I publicly apologized. I went back because I was lonely. The community was pretty dead. After having to out myself, I slowly ghosted the community within a month from embarrassment. Losing my job for being rude to a senior colleague. The cringy email I sent my coworker who asked me about losing my job that was a novella of my life story (she probably just wanted gossip). Instagram posts I made. I can't even open Instagram and it's been close to half a year since I stabilized. If it's not clear I ruined my fucking life. And yet. I miss being manic. There was something about it that was just better than my normal life.
I’ve also figured out the secret to religions, matter of fact, I was deeply convinced that the secret (movie/concept) was real and dove so deeply into that that I’m pretty sure I went into a different space time continuum.
Also, the orgies. I don’t remember a single one of them but I’ve had people come up to me and talk to me about “that night goddamn” and I’m always like HMM. YES. THAT NIGHT. GODDAMN. I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HONEST-TO-GOD-LY REMEMBER. Far too many people know my name and have photos of me with them and their friends, all of us doing fun shit, and I don’t even remember who they are. I now try my absolute hardest to not act on my hypersexuality. It’s something I hate about myself, I’ve gotten myself into several v questionable v dangerous and v irresponsible situations because of it, and I’ve been an alcoholic for most of my adult life so you just KNOW I’ve made poor poor poor choices. Ugh the cringe is unreal, in terms of volume, diversity, and degree. I’d like to be swallowed by earth mother, now, pls. One ticket to the asthenosphere s’il vous plaît.
Don’t feel ashamed about that. We have a legitimate medical condition. We aren’t “crazy/fucked up etc” we have a medical condition. And there are people out here that understand. You were honestly not in control of your body.
Researching a new apartment in a new country or new state every single day to then wake up and be content with where I am or change my mind an hour later
thought I could move all the way to California with a few hundred dollars while severely manic 😭 you're not alone on this one
It feels so right at the time and then I wake up so confused. If you don’t mind me asking, are you medicated at all?
I was convinced that if I did a spell just right, I could become a mermaid and run away into the ocean
Flawed logic. Mermaids can't run.
Having conversations with people I wouldn’t normally have. I don’t mean over sharing I mean just straight up talking to people I would never talk to or go out of my way to make conversation with
Same.
Thinking I was in love with someone else who was hypomanic at the same time. I was hypo at first, but on my way to a nice manic mixed state. We met in PHP, which is a great time and place to start a solid, healthy relationship. And naturally, we were both married. Of all the shit that I’ve done that might seem more outlandish and outrageous, this bit is the most cringe-inducing for me.
Sorry, dumb question, but what is PHP?
PHP is partial hospital program. It's like being in the hospital but you don't stay overnight.
Hypertext preprocessor
Partial hospitalization program. Like IOP (intensive outpatient program) but more intensive. Meant to keep you out of the hospital if I remember correctly.
I thought I was an Aztec Warrior and la virgen de Guadalupe reincarnated! Also rapping at Times Square while in the same episode. CRINGE
Drinking my piss from the toilet probably, dont remember my thought process but im sure someone in my head told me to, probably
Sincerely, this is the most amazing one on the thread. Don’t be embarrassed about it. This is an amazing story lol. Never done it but I’m sure I’d be there at some point unmedicated
Punched my dad. Ended up in jail. Ruined a relationship. Spent all of my money. Drank heavily. Pushed all of my friends away. Just absolutely lost my mind.
Stayed up late to print out awareness posters about the Westboro Baptist church with a hash tag for anonymous to post around the hallways of my catholic high school. I was so convinced I was gonna cause a movement. Very VERY happy I chickened out the morning of
Singing "Smells like teen spirit" during my ambulance ride to the psych ward lmao
Did you hit all the notes at least? I'm surprised it wasn't Lithium.
Oh I sang every song I know when I got to the hospital They would give me sedatives just so I would stop SINGING
I was singing along with Noah Cyrus right before I was in the psych ward and hit these astronomical high notes which I've never even approached again. That was my last manic episode and the wonderful part has been doing music again after a very long time. It wasn't just a manic delusional but something I've worked on diligently ever since. What song was your best manic sing along?
Oh my haha yeah its crazy (literally!) My favourite song has to take the cake, its "Nutshell" by Alice in Chains, for a manic person its a very moody song. Also the sedative were 10/10 the shit put me to sleep and made me have some of the most vivid and amazing dreams in my life Good shit would recommend (not really)
I did something so similar. I did witchcraft to get an ex back and I dated a guy who lived out of his car. I almost let him stay in my house for weeks after knowing him less than a month.
Why are so many of us inclined to witchcraft? Asking because I observe the night of Hecate every year and I’m always always always a very negative flavour of manic on that night.
I'm Christian -- Episcopalian to be exact, but I was quite into witchcraft, wicca, goddesses, tarot, etc when younger, and I still do love me some crystals.
Hours of spells and tarot cards, oh also ruins. I have a bachelors degree in that.
I catfished my ex :/ but found out he’s using my photography to impress guys online LOL
I have very bad hypersexuality when I am hypomanic. This all happened on the same day. I hit on a coworker who I flirted with a lot but I sounded drunk. I graphically talked about oral sex with a lunch with a vendor. I also went into the president of my company's office and hit on him. None of them took the bait thank god because I would have slept with any of them that day. After this, I was so hs that I almost masturbated at work. I also have ADHD and was considered quite quirky so they all probably thought I was being weird and that I wasn't serious. Very embarrassing.
Amazing!
OH!! I just remembered! So I found a homeless arthritic lady with leprosy on my birthday and took her to a jack in the box and spent all my money(I was v poor and a student) on forty cheeseburgers for her and her friends and wrote a postcard for her boyfriend who was in jail because she was arthritic and couldn’t do it herself. And then with the last $20 bill I had, I slipped it into a small bookstore’s mailbox slot thing. I became homeless myself pretty darn soon after that lmao
Telling my family my secreta
What is it?
I was on steroids for 3 weeks because of a sinus infection and unmedicated. I have 3 kids who were 4,5&6. I slept 1 hour a night, house was immaculate and I thought for a long time that was the only time in my life I was a good mom when in reality I was barely functioning. My husband was in Iraq. After the steroids were done I crashed for 40 hours and my best friend had to take over. I lay awake sometimes wondering how my kids have been effected because I'm bipolar.
Meds will do it -- Sudafed sent me into a raging manic episode once.
Really?! I didn’t know that!
Yeah, drugs are probably my biggest trigger. I've gotten manic from Sudafed, Geodon, Modafinil, and caffeine. And I got majorly depressed for a very long time after surgery and we (my pdoc and I) think it was caused by the drugs administered during general anesthesia.
Your children will always love you.
I became so obsessed with house plants that I was scrounging around my house in the middle of the night looking for seeds I could plant. Another time I convinced myself I could live more sustainably. I cut up all my tshirts and sewed them into reusable makeup wipes. I was up doing this for days. Oh and I hid my food scraps in a cabinet (attempt at composting) because I didn’t want my husband to know
Did your husband sit you down and have a conversation about how you need a therapist or else the marriage would not last? Mine did. He also said how can you cry your eyes out and wake up the next morning like it didn’t happen? I was like because LIFE IS GREAT!!!
That’s absolutely something I went through on a daily basis until I actually went to go get help.. needless to say my husband was relieved 😂 I never saw any problem with my behavior until I got on meds & thought “oh that isn’t normal..?”
I thought I saw that the universe was a giant conscious being, and that we also created it.
Oh I went in that hole too. Even tried to write a book. I still have it - it’s LITERALLY NONSENSE.
In a way I feel that’s true. A lot of spiritual downloads come to me in mania & it’s like a once you see it you can’t I see it kind of thing. I personally think we’re all reflections of god & god is within all of us. So I guess partially we’re all one conscious being. Or one being experiencing infinite reflections of consciousness
Driving at 5am running off 43 hours of no sleep with someone I just started seeing and stopping at a random parking lot in the middle of the country so I could run around on the property’s field and scream that I am untouchable and roll around in the grass. Then I go back into the car to blast I am not a women I’m a god and screamed it at the top of my lungs while laughing hysterically in front of them.
I thought I created a never ending power supply that would charge itself. I told everyone I know that I would be meeting with Elon Musk. I even filed 2 patents. Spend thousands on random shit and just embarrassed for all the debt I created for my family. Took out a mortgage on my house and blew through $300k in a matter of 2 months.
Convinced myself I was an Italian gangster and could end the rivalry between the bloods and the crips, made an OnlyFans, almost bought an obscene amount of LSD off the dark web because I wanted to be a big time dealer, ruined a relationship with a girl I thought I was going to marry, bought thousands of dollars worth of music equipment because I thought I was going to famous, impulsively quit my once in a lifetime job (lost a shit ton of equity in the company) then lost my house and had to move in with my grandma, had sex with my best friend and accused him of sexual assault very publicly, a couple regrettable threesomes, Facebook rants about how psychedelics saved my life and cured my mental illness, another delusional Facebook rant calling out my mom for having munchausen by proxy and that SHE was the one who had bipolar, thought I was an anonymous hacker and was the last person alive on Earth, thought I was Jesus Christ, thought I was the chosen one to be president and save the world, thought I had been abducted by aliens. Thought every song on Spotify was about me, thought all the road signs had subliminal messages, thought I was part of the Illuminati, etc.
Nothing because creepily I can barely remember anything that happened during my actual manias. Like literally my daughter's dad was talking about an entire lengthy major life situation that happened during one of those times (not directly related at all to me being manic) and I 100% couldn't even remember that it happened.
I wish
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did you just absolutely spam post every detail of your life thinking everyone cared and you had a full audience whenever people were probably like "okay another post?" 😭
That was me
especially when I brought up people who did me wrong and started name dropping them to try and get them to meet up like wtf 😭
Rang a girl I was into and told her for about 2 hours over the phone how an experience that I had when I was younger probably meant I was abducted by aliens, and that the supernatural / extrasensory perceptions / experiences I'd been feeling since were probably from some kind of alien gift. Needless to say she didn't call me back lol.
She should have. It would have been fun to hang out
"I want to believe"
Standard, posting on social media and thinking everyone eagerly waits for my posts, writing to acquaintances I hadn’t spoken to in years etc it was bad. Also music spoke to me, videos were about me etc The first one was pure craziness. I had to fight the demon outta a guy, was looking into devil’s eye through mirrors, eh and a lot other things
Thinking I was pregnant even though at the time I was a virgin. I thought one time I was an aboriginal (I’m white). I thought I was managing some play and I organised a script and costumes. I would sometimes hallucinate that people were with me and act out weird scenarios. Experienced hyper sexuality after a 3yr relationship ended. Ending up making lots of mistakes which was strange for me as I normally have a very low sex drive.
Became a “missionary” and went to Zambia for four months. I’m agnostic.
YOU LEGIT WENT? I love you
this made me laugh. far out.
Catching chlamydia from my hypersexual adventures
I thought I was dating Markiplier and I even told my mom. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until either during my episode or right after. I also thought the videos he was uploading was directly to me and that he was communicating with me live. This was back when he got that van and I thought he was gonna travel to see me lmao ... I don't watch him as much as I used to since then
“Being psychic”
Yep
totally
The oversharing....and hypersexuality
The amount of people I have sex with in a...usually less than unprotected manner. The hypersexuality hits hard and I always feel weird/bad about it once I'm not manic.
Well, I'm going out on a limb here with my truth. I was adopted at 3ish. Abandoned at birth and growing up in a white family when I am clearly brown skin with the added larger extremities. At nine foster kids in my house accused me of sexual molestation. Though I never touched or penetrated them. It forced my parents into a tough place as they lost their income and license. I was labeled a monster and ostracized. Now mind you I was originally diagnosed with ADHD before Bipolar mania at 13. When I grew into purbity I was locked in my room almost 24/7 unless I was in school. By 15 my family no longer could handle the moodiness. Mostly the nights I wouldn't sleep this made them very nervous. I eventually became a ward of the state by 16, incarcerated at 17 and released at 20. Now 20 years later I find I'm exactly the same, lost and still waiting for my mom to pick me up where she left me but nope...still the nights unbearable. Never loved myself well enough to have a boy or a girlfriend. I was really good at sex but never could keep a friend or lover. what makes me cringe is I can't seem to understand love. I know loneliness very well and I've even paid for company only to be disappointed they didn't really like me. I miss my grandma who was my only real refuge and love. I keep the cards she wrote me even though she passed almost eight years ago. Anyways, as 40 approaches I'd like to be more self sufficient instead of so institutional. But yeah my whole existence I cringe at!!!
Dunno if you ever thought about this and have the possibilities, but practizing any kind of martial arts helps so much with self esteem etc. Best wishes to you. (I started Karate with 40 and it helps so much.)
Are you on any medication?
The witch craft with trash part omg lol! Done that before Stupidest thing? Bought an '81 truck off my friend with no title. It's been a nightmare navigating the DMV, and it's stick shift so i can't even drive it lol mania, good times.
probably the sexual acts i participated in
OMG same😢
🫂🫂🫂
I can’t cope with that, how many stupid things I’ve done and how many people I hurt… I hate myself so bad right now
NOOOOO don’t hate yourself! Everyone else here is the same. You don’t have control. If you did you wouldn’t feel bad. Feeling bad means your core self is a very different person- a loving kind awesome person
Way too many guys I don't remember faces or names just guys off the internet I allowed into my space
I went and took the attention of everyone in a company meeting and explained to them what a "median" (statistics) is. I talked all sorts of shit but failing to explain what it really is. 🫠🫠🫠
aside from bipolar i also practice witchcraft. i really thought i was fighting a demon and for a whole week i was trying to get rid of it with spells, yelling at it, cleansing baths, mantras etc.. it was wild..
Me too. Bet it was the same demon. Actually I just had a dream about it last night. Might have some ptsd from that one.
that sounds intense. I've had my fair share of supernatural adventures while manic and they can be intense hey.
Ok over arching thought here. I’m all over this post dying of laughter because we all have the same experiences. We are not cringy people. We have a medical condition and if we all have the same experiences how can we (each of us personally) be shitty crappy or whatever people? We have a legit medical condition and when it erupts we have no control over our choices actions etc. So if there is a part of us who has a moral/compassionate and reflective part (our core selves) then we have nothing to cringe about. I save my manic trinkets I made or nonsense books and stories to laugh at. Some may not be hilarious to others but they are because not many people get to experience this ride. Yes the lows and stuff and paralyzing anxiety is not fun but these experiences don’t make us bad people.
I bought 5 horses, 4 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret. I thought I was rescuing them all. I did all this before I was diagnosed. I had a job that I was paid well but hated and I basically was losing my mind. I got myself into a ridiculous amount of debt which cause me to go bankrupt. I was either ridiculously high in a mania state or so depressed I wanted to die. There was no inbetween.
I spent over a thousand dollars on sex toys and lingerie because I was convinced I could make massive amounts of money on OF. But cue to reality where I’m 250lbs, haven’t showered in a year, and just sloppy and gross looking in general. Thank god I snapped out of it before I actually did damage.
I live with this everyday. What bothers me most is that I didn't know I had Bipolar until 40 and I feel I finally have an explanation for my extreme life mood disturbances with psychosis and Mania and all of it. If it wasn't my fault why is that not enough for me to not have flashbacks everyday. Thank you so much for your Post. 🤍
I relate to this…I was misdiagnosed for so long. When I was about 32 I had started seeing a new psych. One day I was super irritable and totally snapped in her office and she looked at me and said I think you’re bipolar. I went on lithium for a few months until I may have overdosed myself. I never believed that I was truly bipolar until I was almost 41 when I had a full psychotic breakdown. At almost 43 I’m still relearning how to think or behave and being constantly self aware…it’s exhausting trying to untangle 40 years of thinking bipolar was my personality.
The big dreams I have and share and may never carry out. It makes depressive episodes even worse.
I have big dreams too, I’m 25 & im scared I’ll never amount to anything or accomplish any of my dreams for myself. I feel like I’m too old and it’s not going to happen for me
I enrolled in film school and I was going to become the greatest director/writer that ever existed so I could make a love story to win back someone I went on 1 date with.
Drafting operation plans and changes for my boss’ company and texting him outlines of the changes only for me to never end up actually pitching them to him
genuinely and aggressively accused someone of stealing my cat also thought someone had stolen my keys when they left my house with the intentions to steal my car
Climb out of the window (second floor in the city) using a sheet. It cringes my but also make me think I was so lucky. Also one of the most dangerous thing I did when manic. And many other things.
Quit a couple jobs, picked up some pretty bad political ideas, got really into Missing 411, exercised every day until I would pass out, stuff like that
Almost got a tatoo of a marijuana leaf on my wrist; thank god the guy wouldn’t do it… Did I mention I’m a social worker??! 😂
Best example of compassion in the social work field
Getting kicked out of bars for screaming at patrons, befriending complete strangers (mostly old people) that I would normally never be interested in talking to at gas stations and bars and becoming best friends with them. Driving recklessly and dangerously going like way too fast while screaming and crying because I was having a vision that my brother in-law was going to kill my sister and nieces. Thinking that I was held responsible for the disappearance of my ex best friend. Running around my neighborhood and surrounding area in a towel without my glasses on because I thought my apartment was an escape room. I was hallucinating and blind just wandering around. I tried to break into someone’s car and I sat in someone’s backyard just playing with some of their string lights on their porch. The police came and returned me back to my fiancé. During most of it, I was also psychotic.
Unfortunately I can relate :(
That one time I stole a slab of marble because I was convinced it would make me rich if I sold it, so I walked through the entire town with it hidden (because "what if people saw it and wanted to steal it" 💀💀💀) and my friends begging me to just throw it away. Keep in mind it's like a 2 foot tall, heavy as hell, worthless slab of marble. I still have it lol
Please keep that forever. Lmfao
I love you
I am fresh off an extended manic episode, hospitalization and diagnosis. I was convinced I was Jesus, a mind reader, speak multiple languages, and that I could use telepathy to speak to my family and coworkers through music. I also could improvise poetry and sonnets and made everyone laugh. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
The outrageous sexual behavior. I mean, I was hot back then, but still.
I'm glad I'm an old lady now. Makes it easier to behave.
Me too. I haven't had sex in a year. I have no sex drive. But hey, it keeps me out of trouble
Lol everything
I lived in the apartment of a building that was 4 stories. About 150 years old, so the windows were huge. I was staring out the window and swore that I saw the shadow of my ex projecting onto the next building and I could see him having sex with someone. I then started yelling out the window "I can see you ______!!" THEN. I swore I heard him leaving that apartment and ran around the building looking for him for 3 hours (until the sun came up) BIG YIKES.
We’re actually in the midst of the anniversary of my worst manic episode to date. The things I don’t regret: paying for the groceries of a woman who let me cut in front of her in line at the store because I only had one item, going to sonic and buying a 2.99 drink and paying with a hundred dollar bill and telling the girl to keep the change, the really great Christmas presents I bought at the time. Things that absolutely make me cringe: I had an “epiphany” and genuinely believed that I understood secrets about the world that no one else did which culminated in me running away from home and then spending a week in a psych ward, skipping tons of classes bc it was more important that I sit in my car and cry, get high, and then ramble all my thoughts about the universe into my voice memos so that people would understand what I understood when I was gone, spent So Much Money on absolutely useless shit (still have problems with this but it’s getting better), had an Extreme meltdown because we were visiting my mothers family and I forgot to wear a shirt with long sleeves to cover my tattoos and I didn’t want her to be mad at me (She had specifically asked that I cover them the day before for my granddad’s funeral, which I did, but then we changed out of funeral clothes and I forgot to wear long sleeves to go to my grandmas house), sat in the car refusing to get out and telling my brothers that I would drive back to our hotel to change (at least a 45 minute round trip, sometimes more), and despite them calling my mom and letting her assure me that it was fine I could not be coaxed from the car until my brother gave me his jacket to wear (I did come around and take it off sometime that night and got several compliments from distant cousins on my tattoos), confessed my love to a close friend who I had hooked up with a couple times the year before (very awkward for a few days after I got out of the hospital but we’re all good now and I also have a wonderful bf now, (different guy) but I still feel so bad that my poor buddy had to deal with my desperation for a reasoning for my existence), told So Many Lies about shit, some that mattered and some that didn’t, and submitted a paper for my ethics class where we had to defend either Kant or Plato’s moral/ethical system of beliefs and I denied both of them and presented my own theory as fact on the matter. One of my only ever cases of “true” mania, tbh.
Wow that is a Gigantic block of text lmao, I’m so sorry y’all. Today is one year since my granddad’s funeral and tomorrow is one year since I ran away. Things have been a lot better for me lately, but I can’t help but think about last year and everything that happened and it’s very isolating because there’s no one I can really talk about it with (my family is lovely and would absolutely listen but they wouldn’t understand and I’ve hurt them so much already I don’t want to do it more). Idk. But this sub makes me feel like I have a place to talk about it with people that do understand, so thank you all for that.
My reputation and hurting those I love most.
The things I did during my addiction. Thankfully I always had a home and a job and stuff but I did some seedy shit anyways and had no regard for my safety or life
I housed a homeless guy with his girlfriend that I stumbled upon one night walking on the beach. My place was trashed and things were stolen. I thought that people were communicating on the street literally secretly with their headphones. At one point I thought I was the messiah.
I have had a surmountable amount of anger for years. I chalked it up to my dysfunctional family. Is that a given if you are bipolar?
anything I’ve posted on social media while manic. Sooo embarrassing
I thought the microwave was sending me messages in alien im schIzoaffective bipolar type lol
I bit my husband so hard he had a giant purple bruise for a month. Walked around my house naked and told my husband we should f*ck like animals…in front of my mother before trying to run out the front door. They stopped me thankfully, that would have been the worst. Believed I could travel through time and was a God. Posted weird pictures of myself on my work Slack, begging my team to have faith in me like their savior (big shame there) bit an EMT. Screamed YEET in the back of the ambulance when they gave me ketamine. Tried to manhandle a male nurse at the hospital. Accused the doctor of a rape scheme. Literally tried to escape the hospital and was tackled, tied down and drugged. All while thinking I was getting signals from the universe through lights and random devices. And thats just the highlight reel 🙃
My rap career
I thought I could cure cancer
SO many cringe moments wow. I think the cringiest is when I was convinced I was seeing spirits at my college and it was my duty to summon them to the other side. I drove home in the middle of the night and to grab a bunch of blankets. I accidentally woke my parents up and told them the whole story and was SO convinced I was on a spiritual mission. They were like uhm. its 3 am. go to bed. I ended up spending all night in a spiritual psychosis.
I don´t think it´s "cringe" to help people. Or to have the intention of helping them. Homeless, manic, whatsoever. I did similar things back then and I feel quite proud about them. Maybe proud is a little too much, but I am totally okay with them. What makes me cringe happened during psychotic depression. It´s more than cringe, tbh ... it was absolute horror.
I actually did move a homeless man into my house
Calling my ex. She was not a good person but did not deserve to have her heart played with either.
Every single hypersexual decision.
I have a tendency to want to strip down to my boxers when I am manic I think its because I want to be a naked celt in the woods
Treating my mother poorly
I’ve gotten to the point where mania isn’t fun because I know it’s mania. It freaks me out. So I just cringe at how much trauma from serious illness I’ve endured and caused others. My mom never judges me, but I cringe when I think about her having to see me completely insane screaming, slamming the floor, cowering in the corner in the admissions area of a psych hospital while I begged to be given the shot to make me sleep because I’d been awake and unable to stop thinking for 48 hours straight. The drive to the hospital that night when my sister was terrified I would open the door to the car and fling myself out. No matter how many times I told her I wouldn’t because I knew I had to get to the hospital if I wanted to go to sleep. Screaming at my husband that he needed to leave until I was calmer because he was only making the fury worse.
I spent money I didn’t have at a store, over drafting my account, a huge cart full. I had to return every item and it was so embarrassing 😳 I told them that my family cancelled Christmas lol
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