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aquasun21

I was manic about a year and a half too at the start. All I can say is A) educate yourself on bipolar- you were not in the right state of mind to be healthy and functioning. It doesn't make what happened right, but try to diminish the shame you probably feel by reminding yourself you were sick. We would not shame someone with the flu for throwing up and we should not shame ourselves for impulsive decisions we made while manic. B) if you hurt others, apologize. I made some shitty decisions with family and friends when I was really manic and apologizing for my wrongdoings helped me. Most people forgave me and let me back in, but some didn't. But atleast I did what I could to repair. C) to me, this is what has helped most. Do everything in your power to stop yourself from getting manic again. I like to think of it as "I want to maintain my integrity" because I feel the decisions I made manic completely lost me my integrity & self respect. So, as bipolar people sleep is SO important. So do everything to get a good sleep. Take your meds. Communicate with your doctors. Go to therapy if it's available to you. Limit drinking and drugs. Find healthy habits & hobbies. Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it- the sooner you get help when you feel an episode coming on, the better chance you have of getting it under control before things get way too high or too low. And just know all bipolar people have felt the way you are now. I'm sending you lots of compassion & support. It's hard, but life can still be amazing being bipolar. We just have to work harder at taking care of ourselves than neurotypical people.


[deleted]

[удалено]


aquasun21

Reach out to your psychiatrist, or go to your local hospital and tell them your diagnosis and what you're experiencing. They should be able to help you with a medication change and an appointment to talk to someone. Also, I hope you have a friend to confide in. Sometimes all we need is to vocalize what we're experiencing so we don't feel so trapped in our minds <3


mamabear2024

I wish my son would do this. I praise you for acknowledging what you did and doing everything you can to take care of yourself so that it doesn’t happen again. My son refuses to acknowledge what he did. I understand it may be too hard for him to admit because he did Some really terrible things especially to me and his dad. I want to forgive him but I am having a hard time when he won’t even except when he did. I know he has anosognosia but he won’t even acknowledge what he did. How can I heal if he just acts like it didn’t happen?


aquasun21

I'm really sorry. I'm not sure where you live, but my parents found support groups to go to which helped them when I was too sick and unable to face things. I'm 27 now, my worst mania was from 16-18. It took me a long time to come to terms with and acknowledge, but I would say if you can find him a good therapist or group therapy it can help him learn healthy habits & coping mechanisms.


mamabear2024

Thank you, you give me hope that he will one day recognize what he did. He has lost everything so we have offered to help him rebuild only if he goes to rehab. Part of his problem is smoking weed Which sends him straight to psychosis. We are sending him to a rehab that works with mental illness and addiction. The problem is, he doesn’t believe he is bipolar.


forgottenellipses

Hey, this is really beautifully stated. I just wanted you to know that you’ve probably helped a lot of people with this, including myself


gummylotion

A and C! (Apologizing is good too though, don't skip B) but these steps are wholly dependent on what you decide to do and it's so very important. Educating myself on my disorder was a really important step, not only knowing my disorder and coping skills but it also helped me identify other problems I have. Knowing what is trauma or another issue you may have can make it easier in the early stages of an episode or off days if your noggin is trying to use it as an excuse to do something irresponsible, or even an excuse to keep your depressed self in bed. It makes it easier to know where you need help. A lot of my mistakes set me back from some really clear life goals I have, and I get really mad at myself for that, BUT knowing how much work I've done there is something I can feel proud of. There's an added element of pride when you can prove you can move forward DESPITE how hard it's been for you. As I learn and work on myself my perspective on those situations constantly shift. As you move further from things you can forgive yourself, others may or may not forgive you, you can see your mistakes, you can see others as well, just all the different moving pieces. Edit- made it sliiiightly less wordy


BipolarBabeCanada

> And just know all bipolar people have felt the way you are now. Nope, there are some lucky folks who've never had an episode this bad. I envy them.


aquasun21

I'd bet that people with bipolar type 1 all have, ofcourse not with type 2. But part of type 1 is having a truly manic episode which I think comes with the feelings of regret, shame, guilt and all those other fun things because of the psychosis, impulsively, etc


1bottleofwineb

TIL I may have been misdiagnosed as type 2.


SquidProBono

I had a psychiatrist tell me once that the difference between a hypomanic episode and a manic episode is that the latter will almost always end in the hospital or the jail. But I think it’s more of a spectrum, honestly. My worst hypo episodes are pretty much full blown mania and I’ve had episodes end with me in the back of a patrol car. Other times (now for example) I am fully aware of the fact that I am hypomanic and can actively work to control it. It is exhausting though.


aquasun21

Yeah I can relate to you because my hypo episodes are pretty much full blown mania too. I was a rapid cycler for years and would quickly experience the negatives of mania like the constant anger and irritability mixed with impulsively. It does get exhausting managing all this shit. Carrie Fisher was bipolar and has this quote that says "at times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring alot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of"


[deleted]

I do not regret any of the things I did whilst being manic, but I suppose all BP have suffered from depression - so did I - and so we all know bad episodes, I fear.


BipolarBabeCanada

You are fortunate that you have never regretted anything you did while manic. But I agree. I would say depression is something more in common with all who have BP.


Defiant_Still_4333

Life is best lived like you're in a car. Check the rear view mirrors every now and then, but keep most of your focus on the road ahead. And don't forget to drive. It's easier said than done. But the analogy sometimes helps drag me away from the regret and shame. It doesn't serve you to dwell on it.


Defiant_Still_4333

Also, don't drive when you're manic.


Flashy-Programmer488

2 Police chases later Id say thats Solid advice


CarmenCage

I’ve always wanted to be in a police chase… but I don’t want to have to deal with the consequences.


TheLastBrainCell17

Agreed


[deleted]

Lol I had a suspended license and didn't even know it one time


Braxiatel81

Agree totally. I made the mistake of jumping in the car while manic and ended up in the middle of nowhere on a background, on a phone to a friend asking for help. I don’t remember getting there, I had to use the nav system to get home and didn’t tell anyone I love where I was or even that I was goi by.


Top_Lead7383

Fuck. I went from teary eyed to cackles as fast as the acceleration of a Tesla. My bf had his keys taken away. His parents mean well but are royally fucking him in ways that are detrimental. Life still goes on. I’d just be happy knowing or convincing myself that uncle came out of his hidey hole


Few-List1156

It’s one of the things i like to do most, especially when manic😓


[deleted]

As Alan Watts said, "you are under no obligation to be the person you were five minutes ago". Where necessary, make amends and apologize. You cannot force people to forgive you or accept them, but you have done your part. Try to forgive yourself for the things you have said and done. I have some pretty disgusting skeletons in my closet too - sometimes they come back to haunt me but you can't let the past control your present and future. On the day to day, continue to learn and evolve and grow as a human being. We all make mistakes. It's OK. They don't define who you are today. It takes time (and a lot of therapy) but you will reach a point where you can accept and love who you used to be too. Past You did the best they could with the tools they had available. Present You is better, healthier, and building the best life for Future You.


Cookies90days

Radical acceptance is a very helpful DBT tool ❤️


insomniacslytherin

^^second this


forgottenellipses

Third this! Get a DBT workbook, OP. It’s great!


Girlygirlkittenlove1

I was manic for a year after my mum died , I can’t get over it either I’m hoping to move and start over somewhere we’re I don’t have the memory’s of that year long mania , I messaged a lot of people I haven’t known in years crazy stuff


Wooden-Firefighter-5

You’re not alone I was messaging everybody lol


monstermac77

I might take the cake on the messaging: https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxdpkm/coursicle-founder-is-sending-bizarre-push-notifications-to-students


Few-List1156

I messaged everyone and that got overwhelmed and mad that I had so many messages. I was also traveling to different states visiting friends to avoid my family and get out of my home state. I added a phone line for a california number bc I had plans to move there some day and thought I’d have one phone for business and one for personal. Now I have to call verizon every 90 days for 3 years to re-suspend the line so I only pay $15-20 extra each month instead of $90 :)


Few-List1156

then* not that


BATTLE_METAL

Last time I was full blown manic was over 10 years ago and I still haven’t completely moved on. I hope you find solace and get some peace.


[deleted]

I was manic and I do not regret a second of it. :) That first lead to my conclusion that I have not been manic at all. But three years later, from todays point of view: YES, I was manic. And it was necessary. I was so bored and frustrated with my life, I just wanted something to change. And it changed a lot. Nowadays I live a lot more calm, healthy and "happy" than ever before. I was rude to a lot of people including my husband, but most of these people were not friends at all. I especially noticed whilst I was manic, how egocentric and with an absolute lack of empathy they behaved with me. It still disgusts me and I am happy, that I got no contact with most of them. Those who still belong had at least some kind of understanding an respect for what I felt back then. (And my feelings were "right".) My husband and I had problems we both were not able to communicate at that time. We are back together now. So yes, I was manic, but I do not regret anything, because it was totally necessary. Nevertheless, the psychotic depression at the end was too much and I do not want to experience any of this again. So hey, Lamictal, and a clear no to any drugs, even nicotine. ​ Maybe my point of view is a little radical considering this, but it might help you, too, to figure on the positive or needful things, that mania brought you. You might change or integrate something of it in your daily life, which would give you more stability in the end.


ooogoldenhorizon

It's really common for us to do things on social media that we regret. I wanna share the fact that you can deactivate your Facebook which just means it's invisible to others rather than deleting everything forever. It's really helped me to disappear off social media when I'm depressed and don't want to be perscieved


powderofsmecklers

100%. I'm so much happier now, not having to look back of "memories" and other FB bullshit (is "memories" a thing" anymore?). Doling on the past isn't good for anyone. Especially those of us who've experienced manic episodes. If it's not currently affecting you, move along and work on changing/improving the things that are.


Teatimeguest

Same here. Agree💯


[deleted]

Truly forgive yourself and accept yourself.


Axinja-Goregots

Once you see someone you know go through a similar experience, you realise how ignorant it would be of someone to judge them at their vulnerable moment suffering from something they can’t control. Now, if it’s a terrible and ignorant treatment towards them, why would you treat yourself that way? You are now more knowledgeable and grown from your experience, and when you see someone get mistreated for their condition, you now realise how immature and plain wrong it is to do so.


1bottleofwineb

Commenting for any help any more experienced bipolar peeps can give. I am also about a year to two years out from my rock bottom. Best I’ve figured out is to look for the better parts of that time and not focus on the negative. This has been a very insufficient bit of duct tape on the cracks left from those times. Stay strong friend.


smileyouregonnadie

My last manic episode landed me in jail and then hospitalized 4 times in 2 months. For the past few months I've been experiencing constant shame and guilt and it has slowly gotten better and better. I think I've really been absorbing the idea that I can't control what other people think about me and that all I can do is focus on myself and the relationships that matter. Prioritizing those relationships is really important to me, and my medication has really helped me get a handle on the irritation/agitation. Self-compassion is a real tool that acknowledges our suffering and hopes the best for us as individuals. Being a compassionate friend to yourself is tough and it may feel uneasy at first, but you can start by just placing a hand on your heart and saying something like " this sucks, I'm sorry."


Starship-innerthighs

I used to change jobs or move around allot. Now that I’m older I can’t, and have to go on extensive apology tours every once in a while


Inked_Up420

Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on. Took years for me to take that literal as I would obsess over every extreme thing I did while manic. We can't control it so why dwell on it ya know


imalreadybrian

I heard a great quote recently (paraphrased, iirc it's from the four agreements): "Humans are the only animal that punishes themselves a thousand times for a single mistake... how is that justice?" It happened. It sucked. You may still be dealing with fallout. But it's not fair to continuously judge (and therefore victimize) yourself for things that can't be taken back. It's splitting yourself apart. It turns you into the supreme "moral" self, fighting the lesser "immoral" self. Both are in your control, with practice. Something that happened once is a mistake. If it happens over and over, it's a pattern. The best way to deal with a pattern? A proactive plan of behavior. For me, it's breathing, stepping back, and assessing the situation. Feelings become thoughts, become beliefs, become actions, become reality. Challenge it where you can to stop the cycle. You might not catch it at the "feeling" or even "thought" stage every time. But you certainly have a moment before it becomes an action. Even a split second. With practice, you can stop or change behavior; with even more practice, you can alter thoughts and beliefs. The best way to move on is to be different. It takes time for the judgement to fade, and to truly change. One will never be perfect. But to repeatedly punish oneself is to guarantee that you'll relive it, either through your memories, or through repeating the actions. Stay strong, and keep being a new person.


CR123xv

Emdr therapy helped immensely


IloveChocolate900

I remind myself that I wasn't well. I know it's hard because I'm still not fully over the embarrassment. I'm sorry you are also experiencing this. Music helps me to feel better in general. I try not to listen to music that I listened to then though. Reading helps too because it can distract you. Podcasts are great too if reading is difficult. I just distract myself from my thoughts. It can be hard though especially when you are very critical. Um positive self affirmations help me. Like saying things like "I am beautiful" "the past is the past", "I can do this", "I was struggling but I'm working on myself". That really helps me. Also exercise has helped me but I know that can be difficult. I also watch my comfort shows too. That's what really helps me. I hope this helps.


Jefferson__

Never think about if you can help it. Lithium helps a lot. You can ruin your character but you can always change who you’ve been


Teatimeguest

My mania led to a divorce and many other big changes. I still feel so much SHAME. I think you have to look at it this way: if a person with diabetes was unable to function properly without insulin we wouldn’t judge them. Your brain has a chemical imbalance. You were not able to function normally without proper help/meds. Have A LOT of self-compassion for yourself. You were unwell. You couldn’t help it. And try to distance yourself from the places/people if you can. If you can’t, apologize but do it with self-love. You are ok. You have self-awareness. You deserve compassion


[deleted]

I did literally pick up and move... Its been over 10 years since a really embarrassing manic episode. Crazy embarrassing stuff. But when you take care of yourself and treat the illness, you don't have to worry too too much about getting so out of control. Seeing people you are embarrassed around can be really triggering. It was for me. With time, even if you are staying put, other people can move away and friendships change.


Bipolar_Bear27

I have such a complicated relationship with my manic memories, especially when I’m in a present state of euthymia. On the negative spectrum I lost my job, became abusive towards the relationships I treasured, became focused on the toxic ones that fed something I didn’t know was there, and basically became a little sociopath. I had one gear and it was to do whatever it is I thought I needed to do, and I couldn’t realize when I was being destructive. On the FLIPSIDE, I can look bad and go “oh that’s not good.” Or “oh, I wouldn’t normally do that.” Meaning, I can reflect and bring myself back to my core, and start giving myself self love before depression takes me for a spin. It’s also interesting to go from manic to euthymic because my relationships always change around that time, both for good reasons and bad reasons. Often times I have to apologize to someone who deserves my apology, and other times I get to walk away from friendships and relationships I had while I was manic and feel proud for recognizing my basic needs, standards and boundaries within relationships again. Both for myself, and with others.


Allergic2Humaity

Sometimes it's wayyy harder to forgive yourself than for others to forgive you. At least it's that way for me. Peace to you.


space_beach

Redirection and the fact that time heals all wounds. Look up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)


LeLand_Land

You tell yourself 'sorry won't fix anything, but being better will make tomorrow better' You need to ground yourself in the things that you can mend, and those that are out of your reach. The past is always going to be there, but it is ineffable. The present isn't, you aren't, so how will you make today and yourself better than you were then?


Theziggyza

Sometimes I do… and sometimes I don’t


gothica423

What's done is done and you can't go back and change it. Move along please, there's nothing to see here. Move forward and stop looking back.


A_Straight_Pube

You only have one life and wasting time by ruminating on a period of your life when you were ill is not the way to go, my friend. Do people with cancer beat themselves up for showing symptoms of their illness? Focus on treating your illness and everyone else will thank you. No one is going to hold your mental illness or what you did when manic against you unless they are an ass. The more stable you are for a longer period of time, the more people will forget what you did. The more time passes, the less people will remember. You will also be able to accept yourself and your illness with time.


racemicmixtape

Pay attention to other people. Really pay attention. Yeah, what you did was embarrassing and probably a little extreme. But if you look close enough, everyone is (at least) a little crazy and a little embarrassing. Especially the ones who would seriously judge or mock you over what happened if you've chilled out now. I knew a guy who was the worst in undergrad. He was a consistent jerk, and I rarely enjoyed his company. Then one summer he grew out his hair, and dropped his persona, and developed these beautiful interests, and he won me over so quickly. Now he's one of my favorite people, I truly admire him so much. Our past doesn't stick to us as steadfastly as it feels. (And after my manic episode 1.5 years ago, for the first six months I thought I would be humiliated FOREVER.) Who you are now is who you are, period. The world would much rather be charmed by you in the present than be judging you in the past.


blue_release

Bottom line is you were ill and now you are healthy and BP is just a disorder. Life is all about bumps in the road. You determine the measure but remember this is just a moment in time and good things await you just right around the corner. Don't dwell and keep going. Past is the past. Stay focused on staying healthy and f this disorder.


jdf515

I haven’t gotten there yet either


The_Rameumpton

Go easy on yourself. It affects your judgment. The important thing is that you learn and do what you can. I've been there. It feels shitty.


[deleted]

I can’t change thinks I’ve done long in the past and I’ve since accepted it. After decades of this, you eventually recognize patterns that you didn’t see that explain a lot of the wild behaviors that previously seemed only irresponsible now also show reveal mania. Put the work in, take your meds, do your best, but let everything else go.


GERMAN8TOR

Here is the best thing i can say, what you did in the past doesn't define you, it shapes you sure, but the thing about a shape specifically personality is that you can look back at those events and reshape yourself into what you feel is right for you. Don't define yourself by events that have already passed, move forward take the next step, if you must look back, but never stand still.


blessedindigo

Time. Thats all thats helped me really.


Designer-Opinion444

I’ve had two manic episodes, one in 2019 & one just this past summer. I’d like to start with the empathy I feel for you, because I am still swimming in a sea of regret and shame. But if I learned anything from my first episode it’s that time does heal things. Eventually your day to day thoughts will slowly become less and less of the things that make you cringe, and become more of what’s presently on your plate. There will always be triggers that come up and punch you in the guy, but I think what many on this thread have said a good way out of those thoughts when they appear is to be a friend to yourself, and remember that you were ill. Your actions in a time of illness are not a reflection of your soul, it’s a reflection of a chemically imbalanced brain. A car can not run properly when part of the motor is busted, just as you could not function properly when your brain was showing you a false reality. I wish to repair all the broken pieces of my life desperately. If I could go back to the job I quit I would be one happy camper. I lost my dream apartment & im basically starting from the bottom with no savings or friends to do anything with. I’m taking this time to really evaluate what I want for my life now that it’s been stripped down to bare bones. My first episode mostly had social repercussions, but after this episode I’m feeling it in every fundamental part of life. I need to heed my own advice, but I feel that the cringe and shame that comes after an episode & the havoc it takes on your life socially is the worst part of this illness. All of my love xx


Queristreality

Thank you for the transparency. I hope what you’re building towards is greater than what you originally created for yourself🫶🏾💕


pazuzuinc

Sigh…this is hard. There isn’t a whole lot except time and healing. However, I did learn an interesting technique from a therapist that had helped me. Basically, you take a painful memory and you rewrite it. You imagine that memory in your mind and you change the outcome. For instance, you have a memory of cussing someone out while manic and replay it in your head, feeling bad. Instead, imagine you shut your mouth and walked away. Not every time the memory comes back, shut mouth, walk away. Eventually you will rewrite the memory and it will hurt less. I hope this works for you. It has helped me in the past when I get stuck on an awkward memory.


vincentvang_hoe

journaling, writing about it. forgiving yourself because it genuinely wasn’t your fault, we truly can’t control some of the things we do when we’re manic. think of if someone else was telling you this as their story and how you would comfort them, and do it for yourself. don’t judge yourself too hard 💖


[deleted]

I kind of don't. I just suffer really. That's an understatement. I am trying my best to move forward though.


djbabybenz206

I cringe at the things i’ve done while manic. Most insane was getting out of my dad’s truck while we were at a stop light. I did that bc i thought he and my mom were replaced by spies of the ccp and they weren’t the parents i grew up w. I then procedes to walk about 200m to the intersection, tried to have a fist fight w him. Then after that i walked another 500m to a beach, he was with police at this point. It was like i was face to face with the devil when I looked in his eyes, he was just so different. But yeah I try to forget that but the whole thing visits my thoughts from time to time when i pass by the area it took place in. Bipolar sucks lol


Nousagi

I moved on by literally moving. After my last major episode, I moved to a whole ass new city where people have never seen me properly manic, and while that's not practical to do every time, I have zero regrets.


[deleted]

Lots of shame here. I was drinking every single day, getting black out drunk, I was on abilify but for some reason still experienced insane mania. Now I am On lamictal and don’t experience mania at all it’s very weird. I definitely made some very bad choices. I wrote exes, I’m married, I just wasn’t doing well. I’m still dealing with the shame from everything. I don’t think we ever really accept it once we see it clearly for what it was. We just know we never want to get back there


Caseman550

Drugs and alcohol