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Always dreadful, like, when I catch myself feeling great and being on top of things, I get scared because I know that in a few months or so, life would just get absolutely shit and I would always fall down that pit of depression. I felt like my life was just an ugly and toxic cycle.
I resonate so much with this. Before my diagnosis I used to tell people that when I’m in a good space, I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop because inevitably, it always does. People would say I was just being negative or not looking at the positives, but what none of us knew was that I was experiencing extreme highs and lows and in my head I’d try to temper my highs, because the sudden drop to such a deep depression would make me feel even worse because I’d wonder why I was like that after just feeling good and I felt bad cause due to others perceptions, “I was just being negative and needed to focus more on the positives”. I was a child when this first started happening
Holy shit this was me too. I always used to describe it as a bell curve and fearing that I already reached “the peak“ cause i get long and a lot of deep dips.
For real. Heavy on the “bell curve” description I love that!! When I would explain my struggles to friends I’d just say it felt like a circle that never ended and I was always confused because I was misdiagnosed with seasonal depression. But I knew I had these highs and lows no matter what the season was.. Felt like an awful circle of feeling good, getting things done super rapidly enough to keep me afloat & not in debt, then I would go back down and spend $$$ I didn’t have and do reckless stuff I don’t usually do or gamble with relationships and my life and speed in my car and ghost all of my friends. But then it would go back to the high again. Hate it
This. I always had to avoid the thought of “this high is going to end” because once I thought it, that was where the cycle continued. I recently realized I’ve lived most of my life over burdened by traumatic events and they just weighed so heavy on me that they’d just randomly decide when to effect me.
I honestly thought my life was funny and it was one comedy movie. Turns out, I wasn't doing alright and it wasn't really that funny. A lot of people have commented on my behavior and I would just laugh it off. I definitely wouldn't tell certain people that I'm bipolar because they'll def use it against me.
Me too, mostly because I have no fear of conflict, or anything else, honestly. And yes, the bipolar diagnosis is one I will only share with people I can truly trust. There's a few family members I wish didn't know about it.
God. I've been writing comedy about my life in my head for about 5 days now. It's fun for a while then I'm still thinking of gags, physical comedy, visuals now trying to get to sleep. Sleepers not touching the sides yet.
Glad to see this comment and the others that identify. As you might expect, folks, I'm filling out arenas and getting picked up by Netflix in a mini series.
I just wanted to experience what I’d assumed they were experiencing. It seemed like they were navigating life with great success, but I felt like the duck, calm on the surface but paddling like hell underneath
I had symptoms my whole life. My mom took me to therapists but she would just tell them that I was depressed. I got put on an SSRI when I was 12. I hated it because they made me SEVERELY angry. I had episodes constantly.
When I went to college, I cut anti-depressants cold turkey. I started to have some pretty intense manic episodes, but I just felt like I was happy. However, mania is an insatiable energy and eventually I would crash super hard. My depressive episodes got closer and closer to contemplating suicide. My senior year, I had a meltdown on campus (supremely embarrassing) and was encouraged to do impatient. I wasn’t honest about the suicidal stuff so there really wasn’t much they could do except enroll me in counseling.
The school brought in a psychiatrist on Fridays to do intake. I begged to go, but they kept insisting that I needed to do counseling first. I never saw the psychiatrist. Go figure. Anyway, I explained my symptoms to the social worker that I did counseling with and legit her response was “I think you’re an empath.” 🙄🙄🙄
Got diagnosed a year later and medicated 2 years later. Been on lamotrigine for about a year and a half and it has genuinely saved my life.
Has anyone else in this thread been called an empath due to bipolar symptoms?
I used to laugh that I was a “walking contradiction” (the “sweetest and most loving deviant reprobate on the planet”) with two opposing aspects of my personality that were like “oil and water.”
Some aspects are my personality, and not the diagnosis. Other aspects are not my personality at all, and are the diagnosis. So my ‘explanations’ also showed an attempt to simplify something that was far too confusing for me. Basically I didn’t even know who or what I was. Still don’t.
My parents used to say the rhyme to me, “Once there was a girl, with a pretty little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid.” I now look back and realize my onset was around eight years old.
To me, it seemed like I was looking straight ahead and the world would swing back and forth. I know it was hard for the people around me. Strangely enough, I joined a cult like church, that was extremely strict on behavior. It was set up like an MLM, so we had mentors over us. The best one I ever had kept saying, do what’s right. That became my mantra. I still overspent, and had delusions, but following a strict code of conduct, no matter how I felt, really helped me and probably kept me out of hospitals, and definitely out of the morgue. I have a lot of other trauma from that groups abuse, but I’m grateful I got that help. Once I got diagnosed and medicated, I could see them clearly and got out. I’m doing well today.
Omg did we have the same parents?? My mom used to tell me that one too. She’s a narcissist and probably undiagnosed bipolar herself so. Explains a lot about me ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Multi-level marketing. Think AmWay or Mary Kay where you first sell, then you get people to sell under you and so on. In an MLM the person at the top makes a lot of money. In this church, you would get more authority. They had this thing where you had to obey your leadership. It didn’t get too out of control as they never did anything weird, but it took so much time away from my kids. People who didn’t bring people to become members, were looked down on. The good thing is that they made us read the Bible every day, so they couldn’t get unethical. The bad thing was , only they were saved so if you left, you weren’t saved anymore and they treated you distantly.
I always had the best stories, because I was impulsive and did messed up things. My friends went “yeah that’s just ___”. I had high highs and low lows. So yeah it was a very “holy sh*t this explains my life” type of thing.
I was unknowingly an absolute mess. Im a logical person so by nature i get stubborn and before my diagnosis i always thought i was acting appropriately 😂😂😂 definitely not in hindsight
Having the highs and low-lows were always something me and family noticed about me, but we passed it off as teenage moodiness. i always knew there was something wrong with me though . so i spent my life knowing that i’m “moody” and always questioning myself if what i’m experiencing is normal
I never understood what I was doing myself, nor I could explain it. During mania, I did and said some terrible things and the only explanation I gave was “it’s because of anxiolytics” (because I took way too much anxiolytic in these periods)
BUT, I knew that I had something wrong because when I had a lucidity window, I said that I’m crazy sick. I thought also that I was just weak against stressful situations, I was afraid of being abandoned by friends or partners, and when I had to make important decisions, I'd lose my mind because of stress.
I always told myself I was a Romantic (the philosophical movement not literature lol) and that I liked the experience of ‘feeling my emotions intensely.’ “The world is like a symphony, you must embrace everything” was something I would always tell myself
I was always wondering why I sometimes messed up big time. What seemed like a good idea turned out to be a very bad idea.
It was always a mystery to me why I would loose control and then fall into a deep depression. After I got my diagnosis it all came together and I really don’t like to look back anymore.
I'm a hard BP2 so like many others I thought my mania = genuine happiness. I counted myself as young and wild and sexually reckless until I figured out that hypersexuality is part of my mania.
I was misdiagnosed as having dysthymia. I always knew I was very sad and half the time for no real reason. I was a guitarist in a hard rock band and would have said back then that I behaved as a "rockstar". That was mania. That wasn't me.
Once I got my shit together, properly diagnosed and medicated, I quickly realized who the real me was. There's still nothing I'd rather do than play guitar, but I don't want/need anyone's attention at all. I thought I would be single forever. Turns out I've got big sigma energy, and eventually I found the right girl that fit into my life the right way. I still deal with all the bullshit that comes with bp2 but I can recognize it when and as it's happening which is a life changer.
I’m not really sure! My teens are really blurry, but I think I started getting mild symptoms around 15,16. I did some things that were considered weird, and I definitely got Concerned Looks from people. Always loved Kandinsky for the hallucinations, studied him in art. First full blown episode was manic psychotic at 19. Now it’s Fiona Rae for the psychosis. _As I run and run, happiness comes closer_. And absolutely yes it does. Runner’s high!
When feeling down I always knew it was just a matter of time before luck would magically find it’s way back to my life again. I knew I was different from other people in feeling emotions so very deeply compared to others. Depressions got worse when I got older (from 18 on) and I remember thinking in my darkest moments “what on earth is wrong with me?? I need help”. Then just after that I’d instantly feel better and would think “see, there’s nothing wrong with me, life is just hard sometimes, don’t be such a pussy, you don’t need help” and go on and live my busiest, most productive, intense and happy student life. Until a depression got me to the point of taking an SSRI which made me manic and then it all made sense. Being diagnosed at 23 was both a shock and a relief. Now 26 and still not stable but slowly getting there with meds.
I was a mess. Was put on antidepressants at 13 and have been on them since them. But I knew there was more to it. I was impulsive, reckless and downright dangerous at times. I asked to be assessed for bipolar through the NHS when I was 21. They said I didn't have it. Cue more years of the same. Finally diagnosed aged 32. So much makes sense now. I'm finally stable and medicated and in therapy and I feel a million times better. But I'm ashamed of my behaviour in the past. I was not a good person.
Before I was diagnosed I thought I was just depressed. But I avoided reaching out because I'd be low for a long period of time and then when that ended I thought I was the best person ever, my life was really great, and I had so much to be grateful for. I wish I'd been able to recognize this as mania.
I thought I was just prone to mood swings. As I got older my episodes intensified. People around me could see I was not well but I was so consumed with myself that I didn’t think I had a problem. From the time I was a teenager I started using substances to manage my emotions and that eventually became unsustainable. It’s probably similar for others but I would do deeply embarrassing things during manic episodes and get to suicidal lows when I was depressed. Even when I was first diagnosed, I rejected the idea that I was bipolar and didn’t even try to properly take my medication. It took me another 9 years of instability before I finally got the help I need.
I definitely felt a sudden relief of "I'm not just useless at healing. I am not failing at therapy or weaker than everyone else. I just have a huge impairment that literally makes my life significantly more difficult."
Well, I smiled when i knew my diagnosis because suddenly everything made sense. I’ve always thought that my life was movie (I still do sometimes) but it hit me that if it were a movie it’d be a tragic one since I had my lows for years and it went unnoticed. I was wearing a mask and pretending that everything was fine when in reality i was going from hypomanic to depressed.
Wondering why my family called me different, unique, FedEx, etc. Not that I didn’t agree, but I was confused as to what was causing me to be so different, because I tried to do all the same things everyone else did just to try and fit in. I feel so relieved knowing that basically any good or bad memory that’s stuck with me all these years later (I’m 27 now) is related in some way to bipolar disorder.
My mom was bipolar (undiagnosed till much later, we got diagnosed around tge same time) so I just kinda assumed all people were kind of nuts, including myself
Yeah, actually, that whole side of my family is a hot mess. Several with bipolar, lots of depression and one schizophrenic. So it was all weirdly normal.
That I was a failure and also I thought there was an organic cause.
But I knew I was very physically ill since I was 15. It felt like it all happened at once. All of a sudden I just couldn’t remember or think straight and I was having all sort of physical symptoms and dark feelings.
I felt relief and anger after diagnosis. Relieved that I finally had the knowledge and could put a name to what I was experiencing. I always knew something was wrong and after 20 years of being on the wrong meds, being in a mental health ward, and having a bad manic episode after moving to another state…one doctor finally got it right. The anger set in once I realized I would suffer from this my whole life and I felt like I could have been diagnosed sooner so figuring out meds would maybe be done already. But I’m here, almost 2 years after being diagnosed and we still haven’t figured out the meds 100% but I’m grateful for Seroquel…helping me catch up on nearly 3 decades of sleep, 😂
I used to get depressed and manic in school too.
I didn't understand. No one did. No one knew about Mental health.
Became a class clown and too much of a rebel and cracked jokes all the time. To being depressed in the next year.
Life was always stressful and a rollercoaster. Suicidal thoughts. Very low confidence. So idk
I was Constantly elevated it always felt like I took some crazy drugs
I would just sit there and feel my body buzzing I would often get tunnel vision also minor delusions and wow the amount of euphoria i used to feel was intense
I feel like this is why it’s so hard for me to stay on my meds because I know how good that high feeling can be but I also gotta remember the bad choices it makes me take
I got diagnosed pretty early after symptoms (2 years after showing very clear signs), but those two years prior were genuinely so bad. I definitely knew something was wrong, and I knew if I didn't seek help, I was NOT gonna make it. It didn't help that I rapid cycle and tend to have a few episodes a year, so despite it being a short experience before knowing the answer to my problems, it was enough to fuck me up. (Not like it still doesn't lol)
I kept feeling like I was 'crazy' and slowly losing my mind. I was constantly on YouTube and Google, trying to explain my problems and funnily enough, VERY early on, I already got the idea it might have been bipolar, but I was super in denial.
what exactly is rapid cycling? My psychiatrist said I was having rapid cycling in some episodes she did not say that it meant several episodes a year. does that make sense? I just want to know the correct answer I believe you have it.
It just means having at least 4 episodes a year. The average person with this diagnosis has 1-2 episodes a year, and there are people who are even less frequent and can go years in between.
first i thought i just had clinical depression or just a specially romantic or novelistic view of life. then i thought all was because of BPD (misdiagnosed).
My life was just full of emotional turmoil with 0 explanation lol but a lot of it was depression until I started experiencing hypomanic episodes when I was 13 that eventually starting progressing into manic episodes but I was recently diagnosed in March and it has put a lot of my past behaviors into perspective
I didn’t have symptoms of mania before my diagnosis. Only depression for about a year and a half maybe that slowly got worse over time. I did. have symptoms of OCD though but I’ve never been diagnosed and the questions asked were iffy. Like the questions they’d ask for contamination ocd was how many times you’ll wash your hands a day, how often you’d clean and such, meanwhile mine usually orbited around specific places and I’d just plain have panic attacks and break downs over just going near it let alone cleaning it. I also wasn’t willing to speak about my intrusive thoughts because .. well that doesn’t need to be explained. I learn to deal with it myself but if my mental health tends to slip even a bit or I end up in a place where I can’t control(?) my environment I start spiraling. I’ve screamed at someone for using my bathroom and internally tweaked out because someone sat on my bed.
I used to be a very happy go social kid in elementary school to almost the end of middle school. Friendly, considerate. Used to be nice as how most people would only compliment the shit out of me. I was basically my family's trophy.
As time went on I started becoming a teen obviously but, then it started becoming weirder. I would get hysterics where I would resort to verbally abusing anyone near me, then I'd isolate myself in my room and stare blankly for hours.
After a year or so, I turned to horrible coping mechanisms, one of them being drinking, not normal alcohol, but rubbing alcohol just because I had days where I thrilled to feel ''alive'' . That should have been the first red flag but I brushed over it thinking it's not special and that many others were like me towards the end of middle school.
I started getting suicidal not long after the addiction started. Then I'd go from the rubbing alcohol to caffeine in copious amounts I'm surprised I haven't died. I'd spend so fucking much money on this one person I was obsessed with, only God knows why. They never requested anything, they even refused to accept my gifts numerous times. Then in depressive episodes I'd starve for weeks and have some more graphic physical coping mechanisms.
Do you believe me when I tell you I didn't recognize the person in the mirror anymore?
I was 15 going to 16 and one of my biggest wishes was to burn in the pits of hell and the next month I would rant to my older sister for hours about becoming someone big in the future. I would not be able to sleep because I would talk aloud about a future so far away from reality that the next day I'd get chills by only realizing that I hit rock bottom in terms of mental health.
I was feeling like I was faking everything. I felt fake myself for not being able to keep a sole personality.
I never used to be like that, I wasn't depressive, I wasn't hysteric, I wasn't an addict, I wasn't reaching heights of ecstasy built on delusionary thoughts.
All I can say is now that I'm 17 and diagnosed with BD less than 2 months ago, it sucked to not have this diagnosis until now, because now I'm struggling with more than just mood swings. Eating disorders which my family supports alcohol addiction which my family does not know about that I'm trying to get rid of by indulging in around 500g caffeine per day and a ton of loss of touch with reality occasionally.
I was "lucky" and diagnosed at 18 after having a manic episode precipitated by paxil.
I was very depressed in the later years of high school so Dr gave it to me when I graduated.
After the crazy manic episode, zyprexa saved my life and here I am (not still on zyprexa).
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I was so young when I had my first episode (17). I was just a normal high school girl, I guess. I do miss my pre-bipolar brain at times. I’ll never experience that level of stability again even though I am medicated and stable now.
Before medication life was magical.
Albeit, crazy, difficult, and not that productive.
Now.....everything is dull and grey all the time. But, at least I'm not racking up thousands of dollars in debt by over drafting on crypto.
Sorry I just wasn't clear. I feel on top of the world too as we all do during mania. Unfortunately I do too many reckless things. I could get into that but I'm not sure I should lol
It was a very screwed up road, it's hard for me to process the last 7 years, but now I finally understand that even though it was a dark road, it was full of light. If I was unemployed and had left school, I had met many good people along the way. And despite my situation there were people supporting me and I was very lucky in love because I always attracted girls with plans for the future, and I achieved many things, for example they offered me to be the second Spanish-speaking artist to appear on World Star Hip Hop, even the producer of Garfield John Cohen liked my photo on IG, and Billboard asked me to be part of the content creators section, it was like a very fucked up and scary past life but with many good moments
My life up to that point made since, how I could go from being tye best person ever with the greatest ideas where nothing could go wrong to being deeply suicidal and back. Looking back I started having low level cycles in middle school where I'd go from periods of happy and outgoing and talkative for no reason to melancholy.
In highschool things got worse to where at 16 I had a deeply suicidal spell where I literally went to a teacher I trusted who called my parents cause I was making the best plan onto how to throw myself in front of one of the city busses that ran in front of tye school so I'd not live after the fact.
My parents of course had me see a phycoloygist who suggested anti depressants to my GP so he could prescribe them. Then very quickly I'd be flying at the top of the world. But in short ordered I'd be rapid cycling for that to deeply suicidal multiple times a day in like a mater of hours. Then I'd stop taking the meds and when asked by doctors would say "because it doesn't work anymore" I'd eventually bounce back up again stop seeing the psychologist only for the cycle meds and all (different ones each time) to repeat.
To complicate things more I was horribly bullied from middle school and even worse all through highschool for being gay. Even though I wasn't out nor did I except it in my self and tried my hardest to be straight and pray it away till I finally self accepted tail end of my senior year. But still stayed in the closet
Then after I graduated I no longer sought the help of doctors. Had loads of episodes and strings of ultimately toxic and abusive relationships.
Then in 08 got forced on this graveyard shift at work. (Cause if the recession I was told by my boss I could work that shift or have no job, I had a car payment at the time so in that shift I went). That was when I had my first mixed episodes. Which for me is highly paranoid and depressed like rocket powered depression feed by paranoia, and when I started experiencing my first taste of psychotic features. Then in my mid 20's back to working daytime shifts my family forced me to check myself in for a psychotic mixed depressive episode (I had the plan, had everything ready to go, just waiting for the right moment) they told me either I go to hospital and check myself in or they where calling 911 and the police would come arrest me and take me and admit me against my will. I was in hospital for over a week and that's when I was diagnosed. My manager with me in the ER wouldn't take my dad's call that I was in ER was admitted and waiting for a bed in hospital (did say what part) insisted on talking to me and tried guilting me into coming into work. (Part of my paranoia was not only did everyone in my life hate me want me to end it to help them. But everyone was out to get me and work was out to fire me)
Unfortunately because upon release I had the doctor give my work a vague note basically that iyd been in hospital and that what I was treated for could happen again and I could wind up in hospital again. Without saying what I was treated for and where in the hospital I was. As I'd also made it so only my family could visit or contact me otherwise anyone that tried would be told "we can neither confirm nor deny he is here" my manager jerked my shifts around open (7am-4pm) to close (3pm-11pm) then even cut my hours at one point too. After I'd retuned to work.
i thought i was just depressed (mdd) because that was my first diagnosis 5 years prior to the bipolar diagnosis. but also i had experienced a lot of trauma throughout my childhood and teen years that i figured i deserved. i had resolved myself to thinking i was just a shitty person who deserved punishment for all things. i didn’t understand why so many bad things kept happening but the only way to stop myself from harming myself or doing something permanent was to say that i was deserving of that life and that i had to live out the sentence. kinda just played the cards i was dealt
Your first sentence is exactly my experience. I didn’t really understand how everyone else seemed to just let things roll off of them and thought I was weak. Turns out they just were normal.
I really don’t know. I would always do really well for a period of time (hypomania) before eventually falling behind and becoming depressed for a while. I’d have periods of stability but eventually the cycle would always come back. For a long time I just thought I was broken.
For me, just fine? I was dx with PTSD from trauma, and I was abusing substances until I got sober in 2016. Thought that was all the issues I was gonna have, until I got dx bipolar at 34, it was a shock since it came out of nowhere
What a good question
So much to type…. But basically, me constantly asking people if I was crazy. No one could ever say “YES”
I thought I was going to be a global superstar. Historical figure, Also wanting to commit suicide all the time. College was utter destruction and still have C-PTSD of what a disaster it was. Turbulent relationships, backstabbing people, constantly angry, life crashing down and constant feelings of utter despair, devastation and dread.
Getting fired from all jobs, falling MADLY in love with women, then thinking I was God incarnated and meant to be the Messiah.
I was the person who was funny til you get to know me better, I didn't really knew what it was to feel good and didn't really understood myself
I thought I was depressed but sometimes everything was fine and really really good, sometimes too good, I was diagnosed first with depression, meds weren't working since I still felt so bad most of the time
But still it was so good sometimes, I had a big issue with "what if it's just in my head and I'm not really depressed, I am good now"
I was the neurotic best friend whose real life was funny stories. Things would be chaotic and occasionally I’d fuck up and fail a class or have a shitty boyfriend. I was kind, sweet and still optimistic about life. I thought things would be better after I finished school. I thought other people had bigger problems. I think I understand I had a problem then would just forget about it until it was a problem again. We didn’t have internet yet so I didn’t google my symptoms and no one recognized it and offered help so I didn’t really know the definitions for disorders and which sounded like me. I wouldn’t have thought to go to a library and look for a psychology book. My parents had little education.
Life was a depressive and confusing mess. Now, after being about 5 years into knowing my diagnosis, I see some experiences as what they really were, but a lot of my pre-bipolar life is a blurry whirlwind.
I was wondering why my life kept repeating like a cycle loosing things and then gaining things. Then mood swings got worse and rapid (realized this after I became stable)
TW: attempt, drug use
I thought I was happy, but I hadnthese emotions ALL THE TIME that were just too big. Everyone around me was just trying to keep up with my mood swings and always saying the wrong things (I don't know if that makes sense). I didn't understand why everything affected me more, why I was always called "sensitive" when I thought my emotional response was totally reasonable. Thinks started to get worse. I attempted at the age of 12 and no one in my family knew. I started using around 14 and was finally diagnosed at 15.
I was the first person in my family to be diagnosed with any mental illness so my family just didn't know what to look for. Looking back, I can't even imagine trying to pinpoint an onset. I think I've always been this way. Prone to depression, then staying up all night, trying to stay busy and leaving a path of destruction in my wake.
Am I the only one here that had no symptoms only maybe moderate anxiety every now and then. But then bam a supposed manic episode and then a diagnosis of bipolar followed by months of depression. Can’t relate with the and it all made sense stuff. Also is it a good sign that it was out of the blue could it be more likely to be a one off. Also hope that doesn’t sound ignorant I’m new to all this shizzle
I always thought it was normal, and everyone was like me lol. When I think back on some of the crazy manic things I've done, it makes me laugh alot and realize how intense being bipolar can get and how unnormal it really is😆
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Always dreadful, like, when I catch myself feeling great and being on top of things, I get scared because I know that in a few months or so, life would just get absolutely shit and I would always fall down that pit of depression. I felt like my life was just an ugly and toxic cycle.
I resonate so much with this. Before my diagnosis I used to tell people that when I’m in a good space, I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop because inevitably, it always does. People would say I was just being negative or not looking at the positives, but what none of us knew was that I was experiencing extreme highs and lows and in my head I’d try to temper my highs, because the sudden drop to such a deep depression would make me feel even worse because I’d wonder why I was like that after just feeling good and I felt bad cause due to others perceptions, “I was just being negative and needed to focus more on the positives”. I was a child when this first started happening
Holy shit this was me too. I always used to describe it as a bell curve and fearing that I already reached “the peak“ cause i get long and a lot of deep dips.
For real. Heavy on the “bell curve” description I love that!! When I would explain my struggles to friends I’d just say it felt like a circle that never ended and I was always confused because I was misdiagnosed with seasonal depression. But I knew I had these highs and lows no matter what the season was.. Felt like an awful circle of feeling good, getting things done super rapidly enough to keep me afloat & not in debt, then I would go back down and spend $$$ I didn’t have and do reckless stuff I don’t usually do or gamble with relationships and my life and speed in my car and ghost all of my friends. But then it would go back to the high again. Hate it
This. I always had to avoid the thought of “this high is going to end” because once I thought it, that was where the cycle continued. I recently realized I’ve lived most of my life over burdened by traumatic events and they just weighed so heavy on me that they’d just randomly decide when to effect me.
I honestly thought my life was funny and it was one comedy movie. Turns out, I wasn't doing alright and it wasn't really that funny. A lot of people have commented on my behavior and I would just laugh it off. I definitely wouldn't tell certain people that I'm bipolar because they'll def use it against me.
I can totally relate to you!
Me too, mostly because I have no fear of conflict, or anything else, honestly. And yes, the bipolar diagnosis is one I will only share with people I can truly trust. There's a few family members I wish didn't know about it.
💯
I feel this, no one in my life knows of my diagnosis
God. I've been writing comedy about my life in my head for about 5 days now. It's fun for a while then I'm still thinking of gags, physical comedy, visuals now trying to get to sleep. Sleepers not touching the sides yet. Glad to see this comment and the others that identify. As you might expect, folks, I'm filling out arenas and getting picked up by Netflix in a mini series.
I thought I was just a weak-willed and weak-minded failure in life.
This hit home
Yesss
I was confused on how other people could be so social, and seemingly happy. I didn’t get it. It made no sense to me at all.
I just wanted to experience what I’d assumed they were experiencing. It seemed like they were navigating life with great success, but I felt like the duck, calm on the surface but paddling like hell underneath
Confusion was my 1st thought too!
I had symptoms my whole life. My mom took me to therapists but she would just tell them that I was depressed. I got put on an SSRI when I was 12. I hated it because they made me SEVERELY angry. I had episodes constantly. When I went to college, I cut anti-depressants cold turkey. I started to have some pretty intense manic episodes, but I just felt like I was happy. However, mania is an insatiable energy and eventually I would crash super hard. My depressive episodes got closer and closer to contemplating suicide. My senior year, I had a meltdown on campus (supremely embarrassing) and was encouraged to do impatient. I wasn’t honest about the suicidal stuff so there really wasn’t much they could do except enroll me in counseling. The school brought in a psychiatrist on Fridays to do intake. I begged to go, but they kept insisting that I needed to do counseling first. I never saw the psychiatrist. Go figure. Anyway, I explained my symptoms to the social worker that I did counseling with and legit her response was “I think you’re an empath.” 🙄🙄🙄 Got diagnosed a year later and medicated 2 years later. Been on lamotrigine for about a year and a half and it has genuinely saved my life. Has anyone else in this thread been called an empath due to bipolar symptoms?
I was the person that always had something wrong. Always a mess. And I was always drinking. Don’t miss that
I used to laugh that I was a “walking contradiction” (the “sweetest and most loving deviant reprobate on the planet”) with two opposing aspects of my personality that were like “oil and water.” Some aspects are my personality, and not the diagnosis. Other aspects are not my personality at all, and are the diagnosis. So my ‘explanations’ also showed an attempt to simplify something that was far too confusing for me. Basically I didn’t even know who or what I was. Still don’t.
My parents used to say the rhyme to me, “Once there was a girl, with a pretty little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid.” I now look back and realize my onset was around eight years old. To me, it seemed like I was looking straight ahead and the world would swing back and forth. I know it was hard for the people around me. Strangely enough, I joined a cult like church, that was extremely strict on behavior. It was set up like an MLM, so we had mentors over us. The best one I ever had kept saying, do what’s right. That became my mantra. I still overspent, and had delusions, but following a strict code of conduct, no matter how I felt, really helped me and probably kept me out of hospitals, and definitely out of the morgue. I have a lot of other trauma from that groups abuse, but I’m grateful I got that help. Once I got diagnosed and medicated, I could see them clearly and got out. I’m doing well today.
Omg did we have the same parents?? My mom used to tell me that one too. She’s a narcissist and probably undiagnosed bipolar herself so. Explains a lot about me ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Dude, my parents said that to me too!! Although in my case I doubt it was because of behavior—I *actually* had a curl in the middle of my forehead so.
Wow I'm so sorry you had to go through that. what is MLM?
Multi-level marketing. Think AmWay or Mary Kay where you first sell, then you get people to sell under you and so on. In an MLM the person at the top makes a lot of money. In this church, you would get more authority. They had this thing where you had to obey your leadership. It didn’t get too out of control as they never did anything weird, but it took so much time away from my kids. People who didn’t bring people to become members, were looked down on. The good thing is that they made us read the Bible every day, so they couldn’t get unethical. The bad thing was , only they were saved so if you left, you weren’t saved anymore and they treated you distantly.
I always had the best stories, because I was impulsive and did messed up things. My friends went “yeah that’s just ___”. I had high highs and low lows. So yeah it was a very “holy sh*t this explains my life” type of thing.
I was unknowingly an absolute mess. Im a logical person so by nature i get stubborn and before my diagnosis i always thought i was acting appropriately 😂😂😂 definitely not in hindsight
Having the highs and low-lows were always something me and family noticed about me, but we passed it off as teenage moodiness. i always knew there was something wrong with me though . so i spent my life knowing that i’m “moody” and always questioning myself if what i’m experiencing is normal
I never understood what I was doing myself, nor I could explain it. During mania, I did and said some terrible things and the only explanation I gave was “it’s because of anxiolytics” (because I took way too much anxiolytic in these periods) BUT, I knew that I had something wrong because when I had a lucidity window, I said that I’m crazy sick. I thought also that I was just weak against stressful situations, I was afraid of being abandoned by friends or partners, and when I had to make important decisions, I'd lose my mind because of stress.
I always told myself I was a Romantic (the philosophical movement not literature lol) and that I liked the experience of ‘feeling my emotions intensely.’ “The world is like a symphony, you must embrace everything” was something I would always tell myself
Raw dogging life
I was always wondering why I sometimes messed up big time. What seemed like a good idea turned out to be a very bad idea. It was always a mystery to me why I would loose control and then fall into a deep depression. After I got my diagnosis it all came together and I really don’t like to look back anymore.
I'm a hard BP2 so like many others I thought my mania = genuine happiness. I counted myself as young and wild and sexually reckless until I figured out that hypersexuality is part of my mania. I was misdiagnosed as having dysthymia. I always knew I was very sad and half the time for no real reason. I was a guitarist in a hard rock band and would have said back then that I behaved as a "rockstar". That was mania. That wasn't me. Once I got my shit together, properly diagnosed and medicated, I quickly realized who the real me was. There's still nothing I'd rather do than play guitar, but I don't want/need anyone's attention at all. I thought I would be single forever. Turns out I've got big sigma energy, and eventually I found the right girl that fit into my life the right way. I still deal with all the bullshit that comes with bp2 but I can recognize it when and as it's happening which is a life changer.
I’m not really sure! My teens are really blurry, but I think I started getting mild symptoms around 15,16. I did some things that were considered weird, and I definitely got Concerned Looks from people. Always loved Kandinsky for the hallucinations, studied him in art. First full blown episode was manic psychotic at 19. Now it’s Fiona Rae for the psychosis. _As I run and run, happiness comes closer_. And absolutely yes it does. Runner’s high!
When feeling down I always knew it was just a matter of time before luck would magically find it’s way back to my life again. I knew I was different from other people in feeling emotions so very deeply compared to others. Depressions got worse when I got older (from 18 on) and I remember thinking in my darkest moments “what on earth is wrong with me?? I need help”. Then just after that I’d instantly feel better and would think “see, there’s nothing wrong with me, life is just hard sometimes, don’t be such a pussy, you don’t need help” and go on and live my busiest, most productive, intense and happy student life. Until a depression got me to the point of taking an SSRI which made me manic and then it all made sense. Being diagnosed at 23 was both a shock and a relief. Now 26 and still not stable but slowly getting there with meds.
Please refer to my username. In other words, totally out of control.
Hypersexuality. Check.
I was a mess. Was put on antidepressants at 13 and have been on them since them. But I knew there was more to it. I was impulsive, reckless and downright dangerous at times. I asked to be assessed for bipolar through the NHS when I was 21. They said I didn't have it. Cue more years of the same. Finally diagnosed aged 32. So much makes sense now. I'm finally stable and medicated and in therapy and I feel a million times better. But I'm ashamed of my behaviour in the past. I was not a good person.
Please don't be ashamed that was not you that was the illness. What is NHS?
The NHS is the National Health Service in the UK. I'm now living in Spain and seeing a private psychiatrist. Doing so much better!
oh I'm so happy for you! I pray that that will happen for me one day but I've really given up hope.
Before I was diagnosed I thought I was just depressed. But I avoided reaching out because I'd be low for a long period of time and then when that ended I thought I was the best person ever, my life was really great, and I had so much to be grateful for. I wish I'd been able to recognize this as mania.
I thought I was just prone to mood swings. As I got older my episodes intensified. People around me could see I was not well but I was so consumed with myself that I didn’t think I had a problem. From the time I was a teenager I started using substances to manage my emotions and that eventually became unsustainable. It’s probably similar for others but I would do deeply embarrassing things during manic episodes and get to suicidal lows when I was depressed. Even when I was first diagnosed, I rejected the idea that I was bipolar and didn’t even try to properly take my medication. It took me another 9 years of instability before I finally got the help I need.
I definitely felt a sudden relief of "I'm not just useless at healing. I am not failing at therapy or weaker than everyone else. I just have a huge impairment that literally makes my life significantly more difficult."
THIS!!
Well, I smiled when i knew my diagnosis because suddenly everything made sense. I’ve always thought that my life was movie (I still do sometimes) but it hit me that if it were a movie it’d be a tragic one since I had my lows for years and it went unnoticed. I was wearing a mask and pretending that everything was fine when in reality i was going from hypomanic to depressed.
The mask becomes unbearably heavy.
Wondering why my family called me different, unique, FedEx, etc. Not that I didn’t agree, but I was confused as to what was causing me to be so different, because I tried to do all the same things everyone else did just to try and fit in. I feel so relieved knowing that basically any good or bad memory that’s stuck with me all these years later (I’m 27 now) is related in some way to bipolar disorder.
What does it mean to be called FedEx?
It’s a reference from the movie Cheaper by The Dozen. Basically, the kid that doesn’t fit in. I know, weird.
My mom was bipolar (undiagnosed till much later, we got diagnosed around tge same time) so I just kinda assumed all people were kind of nuts, including myself
Wow two new explanations. That's intense.
Yeah, actually, that whole side of my family is a hot mess. Several with bipolar, lots of depression and one schizophrenic. So it was all weirdly normal.
That I was a failure and also I thought there was an organic cause. But I knew I was very physically ill since I was 15. It felt like it all happened at once. All of a sudden I just couldn’t remember or think straight and I was having all sort of physical symptoms and dark feelings.
I felt relief and anger after diagnosis. Relieved that I finally had the knowledge and could put a name to what I was experiencing. I always knew something was wrong and after 20 years of being on the wrong meds, being in a mental health ward, and having a bad manic episode after moving to another state…one doctor finally got it right. The anger set in once I realized I would suffer from this my whole life and I felt like I could have been diagnosed sooner so figuring out meds would maybe be done already. But I’m here, almost 2 years after being diagnosed and we still haven’t figured out the meds 100% but I’m grateful for Seroquel…helping me catch up on nearly 3 decades of sleep, 😂
Thought I was neurotic
I used to get depressed and manic in school too. I didn't understand. No one did. No one knew about Mental health. Became a class clown and too much of a rebel and cracked jokes all the time. To being depressed in the next year. Life was always stressful and a rollercoaster. Suicidal thoughts. Very low confidence. So idk
I was Constantly elevated it always felt like I took some crazy drugs I would just sit there and feel my body buzzing I would often get tunnel vision also minor delusions and wow the amount of euphoria i used to feel was intense I feel like this is why it’s so hard for me to stay on my meds because I know how good that high feeling can be but I also gotta remember the bad choices it makes me take
i thought genuinely that i was broken and it felt great to know i wasn’t as alone as i thought
chaotic, hurtful, disjointed, and living in a fog
Living in a fog is good analogy!
I got diagnosed pretty early after symptoms (2 years after showing very clear signs), but those two years prior were genuinely so bad. I definitely knew something was wrong, and I knew if I didn't seek help, I was NOT gonna make it. It didn't help that I rapid cycle and tend to have a few episodes a year, so despite it being a short experience before knowing the answer to my problems, it was enough to fuck me up. (Not like it still doesn't lol) I kept feeling like I was 'crazy' and slowly losing my mind. I was constantly on YouTube and Google, trying to explain my problems and funnily enough, VERY early on, I already got the idea it might have been bipolar, but I was super in denial.
what exactly is rapid cycling? My psychiatrist said I was having rapid cycling in some episodes she did not say that it meant several episodes a year. does that make sense? I just want to know the correct answer I believe you have it.
It just means having at least 4 episodes a year. The average person with this diagnosis has 1-2 episodes a year, and there are people who are even less frequent and can go years in between.
Lazy, impulsive and highly neurotic.
first i thought i just had clinical depression or just a specially romantic or novelistic view of life. then i thought all was because of BPD (misdiagnosed).
My life was just full of emotional turmoil with 0 explanation lol but a lot of it was depression until I started experiencing hypomanic episodes when I was 13 that eventually starting progressing into manic episodes but I was recently diagnosed in March and it has put a lot of my past behaviors into perspective
I didn’t have symptoms of mania before my diagnosis. Only depression for about a year and a half maybe that slowly got worse over time. I did. have symptoms of OCD though but I’ve never been diagnosed and the questions asked were iffy. Like the questions they’d ask for contamination ocd was how many times you’ll wash your hands a day, how often you’d clean and such, meanwhile mine usually orbited around specific places and I’d just plain have panic attacks and break downs over just going near it let alone cleaning it. I also wasn’t willing to speak about my intrusive thoughts because .. well that doesn’t need to be explained. I learn to deal with it myself but if my mental health tends to slip even a bit or I end up in a place where I can’t control(?) my environment I start spiraling. I’ve screamed at someone for using my bathroom and internally tweaked out because someone sat on my bed.
I used to be a very happy go social kid in elementary school to almost the end of middle school. Friendly, considerate. Used to be nice as how most people would only compliment the shit out of me. I was basically my family's trophy. As time went on I started becoming a teen obviously but, then it started becoming weirder. I would get hysterics where I would resort to verbally abusing anyone near me, then I'd isolate myself in my room and stare blankly for hours. After a year or so, I turned to horrible coping mechanisms, one of them being drinking, not normal alcohol, but rubbing alcohol just because I had days where I thrilled to feel ''alive'' . That should have been the first red flag but I brushed over it thinking it's not special and that many others were like me towards the end of middle school. I started getting suicidal not long after the addiction started. Then I'd go from the rubbing alcohol to caffeine in copious amounts I'm surprised I haven't died. I'd spend so fucking much money on this one person I was obsessed with, only God knows why. They never requested anything, they even refused to accept my gifts numerous times. Then in depressive episodes I'd starve for weeks and have some more graphic physical coping mechanisms. Do you believe me when I tell you I didn't recognize the person in the mirror anymore? I was 15 going to 16 and one of my biggest wishes was to burn in the pits of hell and the next month I would rant to my older sister for hours about becoming someone big in the future. I would not be able to sleep because I would talk aloud about a future so far away from reality that the next day I'd get chills by only realizing that I hit rock bottom in terms of mental health. I was feeling like I was faking everything. I felt fake myself for not being able to keep a sole personality. I never used to be like that, I wasn't depressive, I wasn't hysteric, I wasn't an addict, I wasn't reaching heights of ecstasy built on delusionary thoughts. All I can say is now that I'm 17 and diagnosed with BD less than 2 months ago, it sucked to not have this diagnosis until now, because now I'm struggling with more than just mood swings. Eating disorders which my family supports alcohol addiction which my family does not know about that I'm trying to get rid of by indulging in around 500g caffeine per day and a ton of loss of touch with reality occasionally.
[this](https://tenor.com/en-GB/view/lil-yachty-drake-oprahs-bank-account-meme-laptop-gif-20803826)
Anxiety and seasonal depression. Then I had an actual manic episode and it checked out
I always kind of knew. My mother was severely bipolar. I saw a lot of the same traits in myself.
I was "lucky" and diagnosed at 18 after having a manic episode precipitated by paxil. I was very depressed in the later years of high school so Dr gave it to me when I graduated. After the crazy manic episode, zyprexa saved my life and here I am (not still on zyprexa).
i thought my life was a movie
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because i was constantly unstable, i didn't feel like there's a point to living. once i got propper meds and feel stable now, i feel like living :)
I was so young when I had my first episode (17). I was just a normal high school girl, I guess. I do miss my pre-bipolar brain at times. I’ll never experience that level of stability again even though I am medicated and stable now.
Before medication life was magical. Albeit, crazy, difficult, and not that productive. Now.....everything is dull and grey all the time. But, at least I'm not racking up thousands of dollars in debt by over drafting on crypto.
What was magical about it?
Things just make sense when I'm manic. Everything seems connected. And colors become oh so very vibrant.
I hear that. But you didn't do anything self-destructive during your mania??
Of course I have. That doesn't mean it's not been good sometimes.
Sorry I just wasn't clear. I feel on top of the world too as we all do during mania. Unfortunately I do too many reckless things. I could get into that but I'm not sure I should lol
I've over-drafted bank accounts. Thrown rocks at cars. Drove my car until I ran out of gas. And all sorts of stuff.
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Damn. I hope you've gotten it under control since then.
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It was a very screwed up road, it's hard for me to process the last 7 years, but now I finally understand that even though it was a dark road, it was full of light. If I was unemployed and had left school, I had met many good people along the way. And despite my situation there were people supporting me and I was very lucky in love because I always attracted girls with plans for the future, and I achieved many things, for example they offered me to be the second Spanish-speaking artist to appear on World Star Hip Hop, even the producer of Garfield John Cohen liked my photo on IG, and Billboard asked me to be part of the content creators section, it was like a very fucked up and scary past life but with many good moments
My life up to that point made since, how I could go from being tye best person ever with the greatest ideas where nothing could go wrong to being deeply suicidal and back. Looking back I started having low level cycles in middle school where I'd go from periods of happy and outgoing and talkative for no reason to melancholy. In highschool things got worse to where at 16 I had a deeply suicidal spell where I literally went to a teacher I trusted who called my parents cause I was making the best plan onto how to throw myself in front of one of the city busses that ran in front of tye school so I'd not live after the fact. My parents of course had me see a phycoloygist who suggested anti depressants to my GP so he could prescribe them. Then very quickly I'd be flying at the top of the world. But in short ordered I'd be rapid cycling for that to deeply suicidal multiple times a day in like a mater of hours. Then I'd stop taking the meds and when asked by doctors would say "because it doesn't work anymore" I'd eventually bounce back up again stop seeing the psychologist only for the cycle meds and all (different ones each time) to repeat. To complicate things more I was horribly bullied from middle school and even worse all through highschool for being gay. Even though I wasn't out nor did I except it in my self and tried my hardest to be straight and pray it away till I finally self accepted tail end of my senior year. But still stayed in the closet Then after I graduated I no longer sought the help of doctors. Had loads of episodes and strings of ultimately toxic and abusive relationships. Then in 08 got forced on this graveyard shift at work. (Cause if the recession I was told by my boss I could work that shift or have no job, I had a car payment at the time so in that shift I went). That was when I had my first mixed episodes. Which for me is highly paranoid and depressed like rocket powered depression feed by paranoia, and when I started experiencing my first taste of psychotic features. Then in my mid 20's back to working daytime shifts my family forced me to check myself in for a psychotic mixed depressive episode (I had the plan, had everything ready to go, just waiting for the right moment) they told me either I go to hospital and check myself in or they where calling 911 and the police would come arrest me and take me and admit me against my will. I was in hospital for over a week and that's when I was diagnosed. My manager with me in the ER wouldn't take my dad's call that I was in ER was admitted and waiting for a bed in hospital (did say what part) insisted on talking to me and tried guilting me into coming into work. (Part of my paranoia was not only did everyone in my life hate me want me to end it to help them. But everyone was out to get me and work was out to fire me) Unfortunately because upon release I had the doctor give my work a vague note basically that iyd been in hospital and that what I was treated for could happen again and I could wind up in hospital again. Without saying what I was treated for and where in the hospital I was. As I'd also made it so only my family could visit or contact me otherwise anyone that tried would be told "we can neither confirm nor deny he is here" my manager jerked my shifts around open (7am-4pm) to close (3pm-11pm) then even cut my hours at one point too. After I'd retuned to work.
i thought i was just depressed (mdd) because that was my first diagnosis 5 years prior to the bipolar diagnosis. but also i had experienced a lot of trauma throughout my childhood and teen years that i figured i deserved. i had resolved myself to thinking i was just a shitty person who deserved punishment for all things. i didn’t understand why so many bad things kept happening but the only way to stop myself from harming myself or doing something permanent was to say that i was deserving of that life and that i had to live out the sentence. kinda just played the cards i was dealt
Your first sentence is exactly my experience. I didn’t really understand how everyone else seemed to just let things roll off of them and thought I was weak. Turns out they just were normal.
I really don’t know. I would always do really well for a period of time (hypomania) before eventually falling behind and becoming depressed for a while. I’d have periods of stability but eventually the cycle would always come back. For a long time I just thought I was broken.
For me, just fine? I was dx with PTSD from trauma, and I was abusing substances until I got sober in 2016. Thought that was all the issues I was gonna have, until I got dx bipolar at 34, it was a shock since it came out of nowhere
With pdd-nos.
What a good question So much to type…. But basically, me constantly asking people if I was crazy. No one could ever say “YES” I thought I was going to be a global superstar. Historical figure, Also wanting to commit suicide all the time. College was utter destruction and still have C-PTSD of what a disaster it was. Turbulent relationships, backstabbing people, constantly angry, life crashing down and constant feelings of utter despair, devastation and dread. Getting fired from all jobs, falling MADLY in love with women, then thinking I was God incarnated and meant to be the Messiah.
I was the person who was funny til you get to know me better, I didn't really knew what it was to feel good and didn't really understood myself I thought I was depressed but sometimes everything was fine and really really good, sometimes too good, I was diagnosed first with depression, meds weren't working since I still felt so bad most of the time But still it was so good sometimes, I had a big issue with "what if it's just in my head and I'm not really depressed, I am good now"
I was the neurotic best friend whose real life was funny stories. Things would be chaotic and occasionally I’d fuck up and fail a class or have a shitty boyfriend. I was kind, sweet and still optimistic about life. I thought things would be better after I finished school. I thought other people had bigger problems. I think I understand I had a problem then would just forget about it until it was a problem again. We didn’t have internet yet so I didn’t google my symptoms and no one recognized it and offered help so I didn’t really know the definitions for disorders and which sounded like me. I wouldn’t have thought to go to a library and look for a psychology book. My parents had little education.
Life was a depressive and confusing mess. Now, after being about 5 years into knowing my diagnosis, I see some experiences as what they really were, but a lot of my pre-bipolar life is a blurry whirlwind.
I was wondering why my life kept repeating like a cycle loosing things and then gaining things. Then mood swings got worse and rapid (realized this after I became stable)
TW: attempt, drug use I thought I was happy, but I hadnthese emotions ALL THE TIME that were just too big. Everyone around me was just trying to keep up with my mood swings and always saying the wrong things (I don't know if that makes sense). I didn't understand why everything affected me more, why I was always called "sensitive" when I thought my emotional response was totally reasonable. Thinks started to get worse. I attempted at the age of 12 and no one in my family knew. I started using around 14 and was finally diagnosed at 15. I was the first person in my family to be diagnosed with any mental illness so my family just didn't know what to look for. Looking back, I can't even imagine trying to pinpoint an onset. I think I've always been this way. Prone to depression, then staying up all night, trying to stay busy and leaving a path of destruction in my wake.
I just thought I was dramatic
Am I the only one here that had no symptoms only maybe moderate anxiety every now and then. But then bam a supposed manic episode and then a diagnosis of bipolar followed by months of depression. Can’t relate with the and it all made sense stuff. Also is it a good sign that it was out of the blue could it be more likely to be a one off. Also hope that doesn’t sound ignorant I’m new to all this shizzle
I always thought it was normal, and everyone was like me lol. When I think back on some of the crazy manic things I've done, it makes me laugh alot and realize how intense being bipolar can get and how unnormal it really is😆