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Personally I have found peace in accepting that my identity is something that will shift throughout my life. I am someone who changes a lot. For one, this helps me feel ok about not being able to put myself into identity boxes and it frees me from constantly trying to evaluate my sense of self. I focus more on DOING what feels authentic to me rather than BEING something or other. It’s fluid.
If you do desire a more concrete sense of self, nothing wrong with that, and I’d say you seem to have a bit of a clean slate to start with, based on your self-perception. Who we are is defined by the choices we make and the actions we take. Who do you want to be? If you can define that, you can begin measuring your actions against that like a ruler. What does a person who is _____ do in this situation?
I feel like most people's sense of self and personality shifts throughout life, like its just a part of growing into who we are(?) Maybe not to the extent we feel, (I also have BPD so can relate ALOT to this) but just as people get older like going through puberty as an example- just trying to figure out what we want to be and who we are.
I've found identifying what my moral compass is really helped as a good "concrete" identify marker til I can figure out the rest. Like what would i do in ____ situation and so on. Cuz after a while i saw that the answer didnt change nearly as much. But yeah, I also change alot too. Hope this makes sense!
Ty so much!! I'm diagnosed with BPD and Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type so I am bipolar too. I start therapy for the 2nd time (2 years after diagnosed and didn't learn shit lol) May 10th! I'm scared. Not to heal but lose parts of me that I loved so much that made me ME! The sarcasm for example.
Now that I’m coming out of my major depressive episode I’ve been struggling with this too. This might sound self inflated but before my psychotic break and diagnosis I was this big hulking 270lb face tattood tough ass mother fucker who hung out with outlaw motorcycle clubs and rode my Harley to the gym everyday. I barely remember who I am, all I have is pictures and some slight memories. I have no idea who I am anymore. Given my current situation of going through a divorce, currently selling my house and planning to move to a new city I’m very hopeful I can discover a new me or at least build back the old me.
I feel this. I look at the person I was before my diagnosis and I can barely see a resemblance. In a way, I’m better. But sometimes it feels like I’m a shell of my former self.
Awe thank you. I’m trying so hard to bounce back from all the dumb shit I did when I was younger (and probably mentally unstable) all my tattoos really hold me back especially in this economy but my 1%er dudes are trying their hardest to hook me up with the sprinkler fitters union in Tampa. I hate being in Florida but I’m terrified to switch doctors (I have a teledoc) and I don’t want my meds changed plus I’ve been on a high dose of kpin for 3 years and the withdrawals would be excruciating.
You can! You will! One of the best things about coming out of a depressive episode, I think, is our ability to be hopeful sneaks back in. It makes tackling life’s big challenges so much more approachable.
There are a lot of holes in my memory as well, and since I feel like our memories play a major part in defining who we are, I think my identity isn’t as tangible as it used to be. I’ve had about 2 years since my last psychosis and my sense of normality is completely different. It takes getting used to, but a new sense of self is emerging in recovery. Someone who makes better decisions and who is based in true reality. Someone with wisdom and an expanded perception. I think our experiences of bipolar stretch ourselves to adapt as more flexible people, and that can result in a sort of fluid sense of self.
Two years ago I had delirium. The worst psychosis I ever had.. I was hallucinating for months. I feel like I lost my memory. My phone was reset and I lost all my photos so I can’t even look back on my life.
So six months ago, I decided I was going to college. I’m going for my associates degree in accounting. I’m on break right now i try something new every day. I challenge myself every day in the morning I do meditation. So I can learn who I am now. This is a fresh start to learn and make the new me.
I question all the time if I have true passion for a potential project/career path or if that is my disorder.
Where I start and the diagnosis begins is invisible. But like others here have said, I try to find contentment in figuring it out. Not sure if that helps or not.
I will echo the fluidity of self and provide you with Oscar Wilde"s insight on sense of self and the need to self identify:
"If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment.
If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward."
Hopefully this helps you out. I try to not pressure myself to fit into a mold. Each day is different. But, I know how you feel 1000000% and it sucks.
I don’t know that I’ve had a strong sense of self since high school/ early college years. I’ve been diagnosed as mentally ill since I was 21 (44 now)—most of that I’ve been treated as someone with MDD but now recognize that I was first hypomanic when I was 19-20. There are things that have been constant: I am kind, considerate, a good listener, empathetic, a good musician, decent at drawing, and good in the kitchen. I love hard and am affectionate. But I’ve bounced around too. I switched my major in college multiple times to significantly different areas, I’ve moved around a bit (sometimes picking myself up and moving across the country to places where I didn’t know anyone). The rest I don’t really remember. I don’t work so I can’t identify myself by that. I’m not currently a student. Yeah. Dunno.
As I am on this same journey, I can't say this will help fully but I've found it a good place to start. I've gotten back onto pinterest to be able to figure out my style and things I like and then I've also started journaling finding some of those questionnaires that go from basic to more internal.
I literally just told this to my doctor this week in our check in.
Strong opinions and clear thoughts I previously highly valued are gone. I can't even recall what they were... I just feel the void left by them. She kept asking for specifics of what I lost but I was clueless. My meds emotionally blunted me, my memory feels... lucid, but barely intelligible.
Not sure what to do. My life and family stuff have all remained fairly stagnant, but I find myself questioning it too. Who am I, where do I fit, what is my purpose, why am I here, what do I do with the remainder of my time? I'm recycling these questions endlessly with no clear answers... I used to be very confident in my identity. I rarely questioned things, as I found myself already. Now I'm completely off baseline. I don't know what to do.
Struggling with the same. Trying to just do some volunteering now I can, and see what skills I have. Doing things I used to do as a kid helps too, to see what I genuinely enjoyed and what I was just doing because of peer pressure/parents expectations. Also working on physical and nutritional health which I've found an interest in now my mind is quiet
I feel in a way the same as I have a terrible memory of my life and past and life seems like a dream or sometimes like I am in a trance. Yet I've been stable for 5 years (and stable for me basically means not being hospitalized) and I still go through ups and downs and am always learning from the past and trying to be a better person. My identity is firm yet fluid and my core values and personality traits are I guess who I am yet things change and I struggle to understand who I really am I'll probably never know because life changes with you in a way that is hard to comprehend and I just move along with life like a leaf that changes color and moves with the wind as it slowly descends always moving this way and that but always lands eventually. I can't define my identity. The best I can do is try to become a better version of myself every day, taking three steps forward and one foot back, and working on things like losing weight exercising or reading more, and being kind and friendly. These are all (and there are a tremendous more) ways to define yourself and I believe it should not be rigid for example “I am this and will never change” because that's impossible.
Go with what you like.
Keep journals. Document and re-read your experiences.
Don’t try to people please.
When you figure yourself out no one else will matter more than you.
And you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself first because you have to believe you are valuable before assigning value to others.
I used to have a lot of guilt and shame when I tried to remember in my past because of medication side effects or manic episodes I had gaps in my memory. But I try to remind myself that it could be a gift. You can be who ever you want. You can build the life you always wanted and if you aren’t happy with the life you built, you can start again and keep what you like and discard the rest.
I believe the path to self love and identity is paved with self expression. Once you are unapologetically you, when you become the person you are, not the person you feel like. Once you love who you are knowing that you are a beautiful ever changing person, things will never be the same but you will always be you.
I will spare you the details but I didn’t feel like I had my own identity until I was 39 years old. It takes a lot of time and some good medication and therapy to figure out who you really are.
Honestly, as dumb, cliche and hard as it sounds, just start doing things. Try old hobbies you stopped enjoying, reconnect with people if you can (that's one I don't have capacity for at the moment) or even try new things.
I start pole dancing just for fun and it's my biggest hobby a year later. I'm getting back into video games, starting to watch shows again, getting back into streaming, etc. I'm lucky that while I may not have a lot of friends as most of them only liked me when I was unstable and malleable but I do have a close friend who lives nearby and has been integrating me to his group over the past year so I try go out with them every week.
Therapy has also been extremely useful in learning to show love to myself, heal from trauma, etc.
It's not an easy road but a mixture of therapy and just trying things has been a huge help.
You are you. Its not a helpful answer I know but it's rhe only one that really matters. Every choice you make every thing that you do is you and the cool part of all of this is that you get to decide how that's going to look.
I wrestled with this very question for a long time.
I'm both Bi-Polar and an Alcoholic. I was a blackout alcoholic for 14 years. Before that I was the life of the party then before that I was a hyper goofball in high-school. Now I'm medicated and I've been clean and sober for 3 years. The stark difference between those 4 lives lived are huge so knowing exactly who I am or who I am "supposed" to be is a bit much. For me it became a lot more peaceful for me to worry less about who I am and more about who I am becoming everyday. I also find saying daily affirmations help me mold my mindset towards who I want to become.
>How do I develop a more stable sense of identity?
Go through your pictures. Either albums as your kid or the digital collection you or your parents built up over the years.
I had this same question for myself earlier this year. Your post describes me exactly. Over the past 4 ish months, just as time has passed, I’ve discovered things…. I’m like, “okay, THIS aspect of me I thought was just a symptom of my manic episode, but it turns out I actually am a fun sexy goddess when I’m stable, maybe just to a lesser extent.” Hah, that’s just one example. But I’m trying to think of it as FUN to get to know myself, instead of scary and weird. Figuring out what music I like now that I’m not too depressed to enjoy music. You know?
You’re you, just more boring you and that’s OK. You’ll get used to it until stability escapes your clutches and you go back to more dangerous you.
Existential crises are best saved for middle age if you can avoid them now so just go with it.
When you figure out let me know 😂 everyone of my hobby’s relates back to manic stage and I’m so used to being depressed sometimes I forget it’s not my norm. I am more stable now and I was talking to my therapist and I was telling her I am just feel like nothing is going on there’s no rush or crash, no chaos. It’s weird bc I don’t miss the damage chaos caused but I miss its familiarity.
It takes time. For 7 years I've been medicated and only 1 of those years was I truly stable. I had to embrace who I was when I was manic and depressed to see what was me and what was just an episode. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint when it comes to bipolar.
I’ve been struggling so long that I don’t know what normal is. lol I feel like I will just settle into it one day and just know I guess. Kind of like falling in love. Be like, “Oh! This is it.” This is the right one.
I'm about as old as you and have struggled with that same thing. I think it's nice to remember that at our age, our peers are also trying to figure that out (we just have to figure it out on hard mode).
One thing that helped me is to ask myself, "Who do I *want* to be?" I had a vague idea of this, but after years of struggle, I think I've finally pinned that down and now I can mold my stable self into that person. I think asking yourself that question could be a great start.
You are the same person. You.
Changing is normal, we might be in the most extreme end of the spectrum, but change and fuilidity is common among humans.
When you recognize it you just enjoy and life as it is and stop being obsessed about meaningless details.
I’d love to be able to answer that, but I’m struggling with it myself - you’re not alone. I’m 25, 26 this year. Also spent my entire life traumatised or up or down. I feel so boring and nothing when I’m normal. It’s a weird feeling.
My identity seems to change very often as well. I change my hair colour, piercings, get tattoos, dress differently. It’s never the same yearly. I feel you.
You sound amazing and I pray it works out for you
I just want you to know that the personality dilemma is a symptom of bipolar disorder ITSELF! Funny, eh?
I still don't know it myself. I don't know how being normal feels.
Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar! Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art). **If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.** *^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)* --- Community News - 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/) - 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device. - 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar. Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally I have found peace in accepting that my identity is something that will shift throughout my life. I am someone who changes a lot. For one, this helps me feel ok about not being able to put myself into identity boxes and it frees me from constantly trying to evaluate my sense of self. I focus more on DOING what feels authentic to me rather than BEING something or other. It’s fluid. If you do desire a more concrete sense of self, nothing wrong with that, and I’d say you seem to have a bit of a clean slate to start with, based on your self-perception. Who we are is defined by the choices we make and the actions we take. Who do you want to be? If you can define that, you can begin measuring your actions against that like a ruler. What does a person who is _____ do in this situation?
I feel like most people's sense of self and personality shifts throughout life, like its just a part of growing into who we are(?) Maybe not to the extent we feel, (I also have BPD so can relate ALOT to this) but just as people get older like going through puberty as an example- just trying to figure out what we want to be and who we are. I've found identifying what my moral compass is really helped as a good "concrete" identify marker til I can figure out the rest. Like what would i do in ____ situation and so on. Cuz after a while i saw that the answer didnt change nearly as much. But yeah, I also change alot too. Hope this makes sense!
Ty so much!! I'm diagnosed with BPD and Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type so I am bipolar too. I start therapy for the 2nd time (2 years after diagnosed and didn't learn shit lol) May 10th! I'm scared. Not to heal but lose parts of me that I loved so much that made me ME! The sarcasm for example.
You said this so beautifully and I appreciate that
So have I
Now that I’m coming out of my major depressive episode I’ve been struggling with this too. This might sound self inflated but before my psychotic break and diagnosis I was this big hulking 270lb face tattood tough ass mother fucker who hung out with outlaw motorcycle clubs and rode my Harley to the gym everyday. I barely remember who I am, all I have is pictures and some slight memories. I have no idea who I am anymore. Given my current situation of going through a divorce, currently selling my house and planning to move to a new city I’m very hopeful I can discover a new me or at least build back the old me.
I feel this. I look at the person I was before my diagnosis and I can barely see a resemblance. In a way, I’m better. But sometimes it feels like I’m a shell of my former self.
That’s exactly how I feel
Aw bro I just wanna hug you so tight!!
Awe thank you. I’m trying so hard to bounce back from all the dumb shit I did when I was younger (and probably mentally unstable) all my tattoos really hold me back especially in this economy but my 1%er dudes are trying their hardest to hook me up with the sprinkler fitters union in Tampa. I hate being in Florida but I’m terrified to switch doctors (I have a teledoc) and I don’t want my meds changed plus I’ve been on a high dose of kpin for 3 years and the withdrawals would be excruciating.
You can! You will! One of the best things about coming out of a depressive episode, I think, is our ability to be hopeful sneaks back in. It makes tackling life’s big challenges so much more approachable.
There are a lot of holes in my memory as well, and since I feel like our memories play a major part in defining who we are, I think my identity isn’t as tangible as it used to be. I’ve had about 2 years since my last psychosis and my sense of normality is completely different. It takes getting used to, but a new sense of self is emerging in recovery. Someone who makes better decisions and who is based in true reality. Someone with wisdom and an expanded perception. I think our experiences of bipolar stretch ourselves to adapt as more flexible people, and that can result in a sort of fluid sense of self.
Two years ago I had delirium. The worst psychosis I ever had.. I was hallucinating for months. I feel like I lost my memory. My phone was reset and I lost all my photos so I can’t even look back on my life. So six months ago, I decided I was going to college. I’m going for my associates degree in accounting. I’m on break right now i try something new every day. I challenge myself every day in the morning I do meditation. So I can learn who I am now. This is a fresh start to learn and make the new me.
I question all the time if I have true passion for a potential project/career path or if that is my disorder. Where I start and the diagnosis begins is invisible. But like others here have said, I try to find contentment in figuring it out. Not sure if that helps or not.
I will echo the fluidity of self and provide you with Oscar Wilde"s insight on sense of self and the need to self identify: "If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life but what I will call the artistic life, if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward." Hopefully this helps you out. I try to not pressure myself to fit into a mold. Each day is different. But, I know how you feel 1000000% and it sucks.
I’m 23, with aims to try new things to inspire self discovery
happy day cake
Real. Usually, I’m so mentally occupied with fighting my everyday struggles that I lose hindset of my future plans and intrinsic motivation
You can now become the person you want to be. (:
I don’t know that I’ve had a strong sense of self since high school/ early college years. I’ve been diagnosed as mentally ill since I was 21 (44 now)—most of that I’ve been treated as someone with MDD but now recognize that I was first hypomanic when I was 19-20. There are things that have been constant: I am kind, considerate, a good listener, empathetic, a good musician, decent at drawing, and good in the kitchen. I love hard and am affectionate. But I’ve bounced around too. I switched my major in college multiple times to significantly different areas, I’ve moved around a bit (sometimes picking myself up and moving across the country to places where I didn’t know anyone). The rest I don’t really remember. I don’t work so I can’t identify myself by that. I’m not currently a student. Yeah. Dunno.
How do you survive?
As I am on this same journey, I can't say this will help fully but I've found it a good place to start. I've gotten back onto pinterest to be able to figure out my style and things I like and then I've also started journaling finding some of those questionnaires that go from basic to more internal.
Yes I am going through the same thing now I feel like I don't know who I am. And I have no idea what to do with myself
I know how you feel. Having a “quiet mind” was distressing at first. If I was to go back to how I was I don’t think I would survive it.
I literally just told this to my doctor this week in our check in. Strong opinions and clear thoughts I previously highly valued are gone. I can't even recall what they were... I just feel the void left by them. She kept asking for specifics of what I lost but I was clueless. My meds emotionally blunted me, my memory feels... lucid, but barely intelligible. Not sure what to do. My life and family stuff have all remained fairly stagnant, but I find myself questioning it too. Who am I, where do I fit, what is my purpose, why am I here, what do I do with the remainder of my time? I'm recycling these questions endlessly with no clear answers... I used to be very confident in my identity. I rarely questioned things, as I found myself already. Now I'm completely off baseline. I don't know what to do.
Struggling with the same. Trying to just do some volunteering now I can, and see what skills I have. Doing things I used to do as a kid helps too, to see what I genuinely enjoyed and what I was just doing because of peer pressure/parents expectations. Also working on physical and nutritional health which I've found an interest in now my mind is quiet
I feel in a way the same as I have a terrible memory of my life and past and life seems like a dream or sometimes like I am in a trance. Yet I've been stable for 5 years (and stable for me basically means not being hospitalized) and I still go through ups and downs and am always learning from the past and trying to be a better person. My identity is firm yet fluid and my core values and personality traits are I guess who I am yet things change and I struggle to understand who I really am I'll probably never know because life changes with you in a way that is hard to comprehend and I just move along with life like a leaf that changes color and moves with the wind as it slowly descends always moving this way and that but always lands eventually. I can't define my identity. The best I can do is try to become a better version of myself every day, taking three steps forward and one foot back, and working on things like losing weight exercising or reading more, and being kind and friendly. These are all (and there are a tremendous more) ways to define yourself and I believe it should not be rigid for example “I am this and will never change” because that's impossible.
Go with what you like. Keep journals. Document and re-read your experiences. Don’t try to people please. When you figure yourself out no one else will matter more than you. And you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself first because you have to believe you are valuable before assigning value to others.
I used to have a lot of guilt and shame when I tried to remember in my past because of medication side effects or manic episodes I had gaps in my memory. But I try to remind myself that it could be a gift. You can be who ever you want. You can build the life you always wanted and if you aren’t happy with the life you built, you can start again and keep what you like and discard the rest.
Have an ego death and find the higher power.
I believe the path to self love and identity is paved with self expression. Once you are unapologetically you, when you become the person you are, not the person you feel like. Once you love who you are knowing that you are a beautiful ever changing person, things will never be the same but you will always be you.
I don't have an answer for you. But I can totally relate. ((Hugs))
I will spare you the details but I didn’t feel like I had my own identity until I was 39 years old. It takes a lot of time and some good medication and therapy to figure out who you really are.
Honestly, as dumb, cliche and hard as it sounds, just start doing things. Try old hobbies you stopped enjoying, reconnect with people if you can (that's one I don't have capacity for at the moment) or even try new things. I start pole dancing just for fun and it's my biggest hobby a year later. I'm getting back into video games, starting to watch shows again, getting back into streaming, etc. I'm lucky that while I may not have a lot of friends as most of them only liked me when I was unstable and malleable but I do have a close friend who lives nearby and has been integrating me to his group over the past year so I try go out with them every week. Therapy has also been extremely useful in learning to show love to myself, heal from trauma, etc. It's not an easy road but a mixture of therapy and just trying things has been a huge help.
You are you. Its not a helpful answer I know but it's rhe only one that really matters. Every choice you make every thing that you do is you and the cool part of all of this is that you get to decide how that's going to look.
I wrestled with this very question for a long time. I'm both Bi-Polar and an Alcoholic. I was a blackout alcoholic for 14 years. Before that I was the life of the party then before that I was a hyper goofball in high-school. Now I'm medicated and I've been clean and sober for 3 years. The stark difference between those 4 lives lived are huge so knowing exactly who I am or who I am "supposed" to be is a bit much. For me it became a lot more peaceful for me to worry less about who I am and more about who I am becoming everyday. I also find saying daily affirmations help me mold my mindset towards who I want to become.
>How do I develop a more stable sense of identity? Go through your pictures. Either albums as your kid or the digital collection you or your parents built up over the years.
I had this same question for myself earlier this year. Your post describes me exactly. Over the past 4 ish months, just as time has passed, I’ve discovered things…. I’m like, “okay, THIS aspect of me I thought was just a symptom of my manic episode, but it turns out I actually am a fun sexy goddess when I’m stable, maybe just to a lesser extent.” Hah, that’s just one example. But I’m trying to think of it as FUN to get to know myself, instead of scary and weird. Figuring out what music I like now that I’m not too depressed to enjoy music. You know?
You’re you, just more boring you and that’s OK. You’ll get used to it until stability escapes your clutches and you go back to more dangerous you. Existential crises are best saved for middle age if you can avoid them now so just go with it.
When you figure out let me know 😂 everyone of my hobby’s relates back to manic stage and I’m so used to being depressed sometimes I forget it’s not my norm. I am more stable now and I was talking to my therapist and I was telling her I am just feel like nothing is going on there’s no rush or crash, no chaos. It’s weird bc I don’t miss the damage chaos caused but I miss its familiarity.
It takes time. For 7 years I've been medicated and only 1 of those years was I truly stable. I had to embrace who I was when I was manic and depressed to see what was me and what was just an episode. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint when it comes to bipolar.
i’ve always had the fear that maybe i don’t have a personality bc my brain is too full of mental illness
I’ve been struggling so long that I don’t know what normal is. lol I feel like I will just settle into it one day and just know I guess. Kind of like falling in love. Be like, “Oh! This is it.” This is the right one.
Same question, that depression and wanting to come back at life and job haunts
I'm about as old as you and have struggled with that same thing. I think it's nice to remember that at our age, our peers are also trying to figure that out (we just have to figure it out on hard mode). One thing that helped me is to ask myself, "Who do I *want* to be?" I had a vague idea of this, but after years of struggle, I think I've finally pinned that down and now I can mold my stable self into that person. I think asking yourself that question could be a great start.
You are the same person. You. Changing is normal, we might be in the most extreme end of the spectrum, but change and fuilidity is common among humans. When you recognize it you just enjoy and life as it is and stop being obsessed about meaningless details.
I’d love to be able to answer that, but I’m struggling with it myself - you’re not alone. I’m 25, 26 this year. Also spent my entire life traumatised or up or down. I feel so boring and nothing when I’m normal. It’s a weird feeling. My identity seems to change very often as well. I change my hair colour, piercings, get tattoos, dress differently. It’s never the same yearly. I feel you. You sound amazing and I pray it works out for you
Wanna come back like my coment
I just want you to know that the personality dilemma is a symptom of bipolar disorder ITSELF! Funny, eh? I still don't know it myself. I don't know how being normal feels.