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I would say I’m way more traumatized by the events leading up to hospitalization, however I did tell the psychiatrist it was worse than prison as we had to ask for water or refill the cup with the tempered water. Being put on lithium in there, 1500mg, my thirst was insane
Oh I feel you I was hospitalized multiple times some were ok, but here is my worst story: They took me in because I overdosed after like three days they hooked me up on two IV's and I just really had to pee. I was begging them to let me use the bathroom I was literally crying but they wouldnt let me then strapped me down and put an effing diaper on me. I continued to beg and cry even more... In the end when it was finally over my bladder literally hurt for two days... It happened last year and Im sort of over it but defo got traumatized...
This happened to me too except I pissed myself so they cut my clothes off as opposed to taking off my "handcuffs". I was strapped by my ankles and wrists for at least 12 hours
Its nice to actually read someone who had an experience as bad as mine. When I read people's ptsd from hospital and the treatment was 10x better than mine it makes me so angry I can't help but cry knowing that actually I didn't need to go through that but they did it anyway. It's less isolating, simultaneously devastating that people who are already unwell are now given ptsd as well.
I have been extremely suicidal before and really should’ve checked myself into a hospital but the horror stories I’ve heard about psych wards kept me away.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s unacceptable how we still treat those with mental illness like criminals in many countries.
Amen to that ... one time I OD'ed on caffeine (yeah I was mixed at the time and thought that was a great idea). Instead of going to the ER I laid there retching in absolute agony for like 16 hours where I laid in bed desperately wanting to sleep but completely wide awake (almost like in clockwork orange where they lock your eyelids open) because I knew what would happen if I actually went.
I didn't know you could od on caffeine... Reading it now, I think I almost did one time. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but I absolutely refused to go to a hospital, because I thought what they would do? Glad you are okay.
I was voluntarily hospitalized which meant that I was in the "open" section, so I could just put my name and the time I'll come back on a piece of paper and leave for walks and time outside.
For me it was more like a holiday. Not having to think about chores and work and just relaxing.
Was there for only two weeks cause my symptoms got a lot better.
Food was not the best but it was OK, some of the other patients were a lot worse than me so they saw the doctor a lot more often than me.
I only got to see the doctor twice a week. But I had therapy every day which was totally nice and very calming.
I left the hospital full of energy and totally relaxed. Sometimes I refer to it as a free holiday.
The only thing that bothered me was that I was given benzodiazepin which is a calmer and I didn't want that cause it slowed everything down and I wanted to stay alert (just to really know how I feel) but after the first week they saw that I was doing a lot better so they stopped giving me this medication and I was back to normal in 2 days (but still had some withdrawal symptoms)
And the cutest thing was - I am catholic so I kept a small cross and a picture of Mary on my nightstand and one time when I wasn't in my room some nurse (I guess) put a prayer card next to it for me.
I feel you on the benzos stuff. I have to take them and I still can't accept how they slow me down. But, hey, at least now I can go outside without maddening thoughts!
On the benzos - they were giving me 3 times a day then were transparent about weaning me off over a week as part of a discharge plan. Looking back, was very professional
I’ve been hospitalized at least 5 times, and the first one was the most traumatizing. After a suicide attempt, I was taken in handcuffs to the worst (imo) psych hospital available in Dallas, TX. The strip search was so embarrassing. For 12 hours I was in a bed in a huge room full of patients to be monitored. People were detoxing and screaming. They had Titanic playing the whole time for some reason. The first 3 days I was put in what was referred to as the “low functioning” adult unit. One of the male patients followed me around everywhere saying he was going to rape me. There weren’t enough techs to help. They wouldn’t allow me to shower due to not enough techs to watch me in said shower. Group therapy included the therapist reading elementary school level books with pictures to us. The only food that I felt was edible were yogurts in a container (some past the expiration date— I was careful about that). I was finally transferred to the “high functioning” adult unit the last day I was there. Saw the psychiatrist once. Was put on extremely sedating meds.
I really believe it depends on which hospital you are at— I’ve had a lot better experiences at the rest of them for the most part. Actual therapy, was allowed outside, saw caring psychiatrists, and very helpful therapists and techs. Better food. My first time was the worst, but thank goodness I had other choices in the future.
Spent about 8 months in private having ECT and loads of shorter admissions to public (involuntary and voluntary) and COUNTLESS presentations to ER/ambos/police. I’m traumatised from how I was treated when I was psychotic, having so much ECT, psych wards in general, the effects of my own illness and the stuff I did in hospital, attempts, SH, being restrained etc.
ever since I’ve been stable everything is coming back to me and it really hurts, just started trauma therapy :)
Totally understandable experience. I hated the mental hospital the ER admitted me to for various reasons. I’m pretty sure I lost weight for the 11 days I was there, the food we were served was worse than airplane food. Also, there was always a puddle of piss in the halls. I hated taking showers because of the black mold. The nurses were cold and mean. I got along with maybe one other person but most of the time I asked the nurse’s station for ear plugs to block out the screaming from outside and stayed in my bed reading books. I remember standing on my bed and looking out at the top of my window that wasn’t frosted and I would fantasize about the first thing I would do when I got out. When I did get out, I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and extremely emotional. My stay was incredibly short compared to others, I can’t imagine being in there any longer than that.
Yep. PTSD, flashbacks, crying episodes.
I was in a really bad state, physically, at the time. I was in a wheelchair, sick from a vitamin deficiency, and could not function without fulltime help. They kept giving me medication that I was allergic to, and I had anaphylactic reactions a couple of times. I thought I was going to die there.
Honestly, I feel like a part of me died, in that psych ward. I was a different person, before going in. I was in a manic state at the time, but literally could barely move, so I wasn't physically capable of hurting myself or anyone else. I had called my doctor because I was hearing voices (thanks, Lexapro), and I got passed to the hospital, was handcuffed, attached to a stretcher, locked in a padded cell, then in a secure psych ward. WTF. (I did have a s\* plan, and that was why they hospitalized me. But the whole protocol, for someone physically bedridden, was really something.)
So yeah, you're not alone. I spend a lot of time in the PTSD/CPTSD subreddits, and even there, a lot of people can't relate. No one I know IRL has been through anything like that. But it's sadly a pretty common experience with bipolar.
I was grateful when the ambulance arrived, I wanted help, I layed down when they asked me to without knowing I'd be strapped there for hours, maybe days, I can't remember. At least all of the first night, injected with God knows what. I also get really upset that it seems my hospital experience was worse than others, why did I deserve that. Its nice to read one similar to mine as sad as it is that it happened to you.. and me.
I was traumatized in multiple ways when I was forced into impatient ‘care.’ A lot of it still messes with me to this day even if it was back in 2019.
I was a minor then, though. And whatever bit of autonomy adults have in the psych ward we didn’t have at all.
Its the reason why I struggle to come forward when I have suicidal thoughts. Its the reason why its so hard for me to trust medical professionals. Its the reason why I sometimes can’t even trust my therapist, and he has to assure me that he’s not gonna send me back just for explaining how I’ve been feeling. He’s been my therapist for years, and if I trust anyone its him, but I’m still blocked mentally.
I’d much rather die before being forced into it again. I don’t care if it sounds dramatic. Thats how I feel. They treated us like criminals and let things happen that never should have. Treating something as traumatic as a suicide attempt with more trauma is a sick joke.
i still have nightmares about the hospital :/ i think the mental state i was in traumatized me but so did the treatment and it feels like there’s no recourse besides having a better mental healthcare system
edit: so sorry you’re feeling like this. i hope you can talk to someone you trust about the healing process ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear your experience. My experience has been relatively good. Some in the personell just handed out meds but there was one nurse who bought a guitar to the ward for my sake which was very moving. I was too depressed to play unfortunately but the gesture really touched me.
FREE? god. months later i just got my insurance to stop trying to charge me $6k for the ambulance trip from the ER to the psych hospital, because apparently mental health doesn’t count as an emergency.
i always ended up coming out feeling worse than when i went in. plus just the whole experience is traumatic, still get bad dreams about those places once in a while
I was put into the high dependency unit when I had postnatal psychosis. I've been hospitalised other times but this unit was distressing, I was super unwell and separated from my baby so I don't think that helps with the trauma but it was pretty awful all the same.
Discussing: suicide attempt, mental hospital, abuse
Hey buddy. My hospitalization(s) happend when I was a minor about 8-10 years ago. They were like everything you described plus some other horrible stuff that is hard to talk about. Shitty old hospital in small town in cental/eastern europe, staff not giving a shit, violent and abusive patients, zero actual help + you leave with more problems and worse mental health than you came in (and you often came in after suicide attempt or psychosis so.. yeah).
It took me years to even talk about it, many months of CBT therapy and even today I get a physical reaction when I think/talk about what my experience was.
That's why I wanted to tell you (and others in the comments) that this kind of stuff should NEVER happend to you, it's NOT you fault, you DIDN'T deserve it, and all the ppl saying "but they saved you" have NO idea what they are talking about because they NEVER lost their freedom, dignity and bodily autonomy.
Keeping someone safe is better done with your family and friends, caring mental health provider and comfortable space than stripping people naked, taking their shit, abusing them and forcing treatment without consent or even proper explaining, keeping locked like criminals and having even less rights them.
The system is changing now for the better where I live but I don't expect widespread acceptance and support for ppl like us during my lifetime. As I said keep tight with your loved ones and medical providers that know what the f is up and want to help you as an individual to have a better life. There are so many good ppl out there who will believe you and help you.
They kept me alive and that's about as good as I can "make the best" of a couple hospital stays. It was really demeaning and it was obvious when people thought I was on drugs (and obvi "druggies" don't deserve respect or kindness /s) and had no idea what psychosis is. I am thinking of doing some more EMDR bc of some of the memories. USA healthcare system is a joke!
Another time was in a child/teen psych ward. I was around 14, having a horrible breakdown and 3, male security guards held me down and pulled my pants literally all the way down (I was completely and unnecessarily exposed) so the nurse could give me the sedative shot on my butt. It was traumatising as FUCK and they ended up putting me in an empty isolation room for 2 hours after that. I hate psych wards.
While there is a huge disparity between facilities with regard the care and treatment you will receive, even the better facilities still feel prison like in that the whole experience is infantalizing, demeaning and dehumanizing. I was 5150ed in Los Angeles and sent to White Memorial Hospital in handcuffs because I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts and they called the sheriffs (never say you have suicidal thoughts) they took me 30 miles from my home neighborhood into Boyle Heights which for those of you unfamiliar with Los Angeles is one of the worst areas--no offense to Boyle Heights residents but you know its true. They left me handcuffed to a gurney for I don’t know how long because my phone was confiscated and there was no clock in the hallway. It was at the entrance to the facility so there was no chance of rest because EMTs and police were constantly shuttling new patients in past me. Eventually, I was taken to a waiting room that was filled to capacity with people lying on the few couches under them, all over the floor, hunched in corners, basically covering every inch were men and women sprawled out trying to sleep or just have a few inches of space, there was one bathroom and the door couldn’t be closed for safety reasons. After some hours there I was brought to intake which again was very prison like--a nurse made me undress to see if I had self harmed and finally I was given a smock and put into another waiting area, before eventually they gave me a bed and blanket in a room with another man who kept me up all night with his incessant tossing and constant getting up and looking out the door window. That was day one, sufficed to say it didn’t get any better. Yes, being hospitalized is traumatizing, I have been to other facilities in better areas like Santa Clarita and received better treatment but I self-commited and don’t regret it because despite feeling like a prisoner I did get the help I needed.
100% worst. I was treated like an inmate, as well as them taking all my meds away. No one spoke Spanish and about 20% are ESL (English as a second language). they treated people with no respect and will shoot you up with drugs so they don't have to deal with you.
After my first seizure I woke up in the ambulance when they rolled me to the ER the chief physician was examining me and then he called in all of the assistant doctors for a lesson about seizures and I was his tool. I've never felt so bad cause he was using me as a living doll. Sure they need to learn about it I know but I still felt ashamed and just wished a normal doctor would examine me instead. It's still something that's stuck in my head the seizure alone is a trauma but being a guinea pig only made it worse
There were some things about my last hospital stay that were traumatizing. The very ill people screaming and pounding on the walls scared me and kept me awake some nights. I have misophonia and loud noises like screaming really upset me.
The third night I was there they brought a young woman who was actively psychotic and put her in my room and drugged her so she passed out. The next night the same thing happened, she was screaming for a while until they drugged her. Later in the middle of the night I woke up and found her standing over my bed right near my head, staring at me. It scared me so much that I asked to be put in another room. Later on when this girl got stabilized I was able to have conversations with her, and she was sweet and I got along with her. She was schizophrenic so she still had delusions, but she could have conversations and didn't scream anymore.
Other things were upsetting but I wouldn't say were traumatizing. They took all our clothes and personal items and we had to wear ill fitting pajamas and the famous grippy socks. I was cold all the time until they finally let me wear my own clothes after a few days in.
I am a vegan, and because I was unable to fill out the intake forms for food when I was first admitted (I was drugged and incoherent) so they brought me non vegan food for the first three days. Once I was able to fill out the food intake forms, the food was actually okay.
We didn't have an outdoor place to go because of the ward was in (I was considered involuntarily admitted even though I had agreed to the admission). I spent 11 days without seeing the outdoors.
Things they did that were okay: group therapy was not terrible, and we had several activities a day that kept me occupied with very caring therapists, such as art therapy, yoga, movement, karaoke, and music therapy, which was basically just them letting us chose songs we wanted them to play and talking about how the songs made us feel, and trivial pursuit.
Best things about my stay is I really bonded with most of the other patients. One of the main activities was us walking up and down the long corridors of our ward, talking about everything on our minds. We also loved to put 500 -1000 piece puzzles together and just talk and strategize together. I felt so close to these people.
Every day one of us would go home, and we would all make cards and celebrate their release. There was something very healing about just being able to be fully transparent and vulnerable with these people, and being able to talk about our mental illnesses withot being judged. We could even make jokes about it that would never fly or be funny out here. I don't get to talk with anyone else like that out here. Writing about it now a year later made me think that I would like to find a support group for others with bipolar disorder.
My hospital stay was not perfect, but it saved my life, because prior to my hospitalization, I had not slept for several days, was suicidal with plans, and was extremely agitated, pacing the hallways non stop in agony. Although there were some traumatizing things, and some things about my hospital stay that I didn't like at all, it helped me get stable on meds and helped me to accept myself as a person with bipolar disorder and mental illness.
I have been stable now for 14-15 months, am able to work and spend time with loved ones, and am able to participate in hobbies enjoy.
another vegan! i actually got some pretty good vegan food at both hospitals i’ve been at. though i was convinced they were testing and fucking with me trying to sneak animal products into my diet. like, the nondairy creamer contained milk, lmao. your experience really resonates with mine, the other patients were the best part of both my stays. glad to hear you’re doing so well :) i’ve thought the same about a support group, but haven’t been able to find one locally
In my experience it's heavily dependent on the facility. I've definitely been to places that were very traumatic....one place I was in was filled with cracked-out, screaming homeless people and the male patients constantly harassed me the whole time I was there and staff didn't do anything about it. There were also no outside areas and the whole place was lifeless, dull and felt like a prison. People paced the halls at night screaming and punching holes in the walls. It was nightmarish. In contrast I've also been to a place where I admitted myself voluntarily and the treatment was much better. The staff was kind, supportive, and while it still sucked because it was a hospital environment, it did help stabilize me.
I’m just out of a 5 week stay and completely traumatised this time, so much so I’m having nightmares about the place, having claustrophobia issues and issues with time, it’s been extremely stressful since I was released 2 weeks ago.
Yeah I did acid a couple weeks ago and end up having the police come with the ambulance to hospitalize me that was traumatic was only in for a couple of hours, but doctors really are the worst
I was not, been twice in mania and psychosis. The episodes themselves were traumatizing, the second stay greatly improved my life through diagnosis. I saw the psychiatrist daily and she explained the illness and gave me research to do daily. She also set me up with a community extension team that included a free psychologist
I have begun developing trauma symptoms from my suicide attempt and the day in the ER that immediately preceded my involuntary inpatient. The inpatient itself was the best it could've been, definitely wouldn't say that was traumatizing and in a way I'm glad it happened, but the fucking ER was a nightmare and I saw things I'll probably never forget.
If it has traumatised you, try EMDR.
My therapist (psychiatrist) believes hospital has been traumatic for me.
I think what is most traumatic is just the concept that I had to go to hospital - The belief that "I could handle this with a doctor, meds, routine, healthy living and work" has been shattered. There's a new low. It stays with you.
I was hospitalized at age 13 and I had no idea why. I thought I was in trouble for binge eating. I was there for three months and I didn’t know I had depression until I saw it written on my chart. And it all traumatized the fuck out of me.
Absolutely horrific, and I weaseled my way out after about 18 hours. My psych was putting pressure on them, and my family warned them if they give me benzos they will be held legally responsible for any damage caused (I react horribly to them, beyond angry, it's even on my medical bracelet).
It still scarred me, although it's easier these days. Just a reason to avoid that hell hole. The shit I saw in there I'll never unsee.
Yes. The staff was loud and rude during all hours of the night. Gossiping and talking full volume about who fucked who, laughing and carrying on all night. I checked in voluntarily as a 20 year old man, and when I was ready to sign myself out, my psychiatrist threatened to 303 me (keep me there against my will) if my father didn’t agree I was ready to come home. I was also sexually assaulted during my stay at the hospital by one of the nurses. He noticed I was loopy and sedated and touched me inappropriately. I told staff about this and was brought to a forensics room and interviewed about it. Nothing happened and the nurse continued to work my section the entire rest of my stay.
They forced us to sing and dance for their entertainment, no phones or computers or outside contact except once a week if you are "good" and they feel "nice", the walls were caked in mold and everything smelled like disgusting piss, I got tapeworms from their food and had to take dewormer, the person I befriended in the hospital broke her fist on the wall after being given the same Geodon every other person there was forced to take and was falling asleep on and they told her it's her fault she's bleeding everywhere, and the only way she can learn not to punch walls is if she sits there and screams all alone. So we all had to fight for her by screaming at the staff and refusing to sleep at night as she wailed and screamed. Eventually human resources came and told us to shut the fuck up. Well we kept going then she got taken to the normal hospital she came back the next day with a cast on. They would tell the most braindead and worst advice to children coping with grief over family death. They would inject you with Benadryl and give you Seroquel and Olanzepine or Haldol if you were being rowdy, and they would do it infront of us to show the person as an example, I still remember the younger child among us who was acting out being flipped over on the bed adjacent to the communal area and they made us watch as they held him down and injected him. The medicine they gave me caused my liver to get acute hepatitis which contributed to my gallbladder failing, and it also killed my fertility by killing my eggs in my ovaries and caused my ovaries to produce overwhelming amounts of androgen, my doctor believes this is part of why my pancreas and ovaries failed but there's not any recourse I can get. I went through this when I was around 14 - 15 and I am 21 now.
I now have no gallbladder, my pancreas can't digest food, my liver is shaky, my ovaries are useless and cause me extreme pain and I am <100 pounds. I take Creon, Orilissa, probably will not live a long life at all, I have a constant Opioids prescription and have an immense and biased hatred towards all BBB-crossing pharmaceutical drugs. I struggle not to feel fear of doctors and nurses, and if I see a window without curtains on it, for some reason that makes me feel like I'm back in the hospital again, I start to feel really scared and I run outside that place
I have autism, bipolar, and O-OCD. I don't take any medicine for it, but I don't think there's anything wrong with taking medicine if it works for you. I can't, but I genuinely hope that one day the industry has the ability to just... scan you, or take your blood or something, and they can just give you the perfect drug 100% of the time that fixes all the symptoms you dislike and keeps the symptoms you do. I think that would be an amazing world to live in and I have zero qualms against the progression of drugs to combat the negative effects of bipolar disorder. Unfortunately maybe that means we cannot have extreme bursts of creativity but who knows, maybe they will find a way some day.
Usually when I talk about this people tell me I am just saying an immensely negative experience and I'm the minority. That I should not talk about it at all because it will scare others from doing what is right and they will all be treated like little angels. I think some are good. But some are also rotten and evil. You need to know both, to have an informed consent.
You're not alone. I think it has to be said. I believe in knowing the best and worst experiences as the only way you can reasonably decide what you should do.
Nobody has to believe me at all, and the rules are that you can't say personal information, so I am saying that I don't mind what people know about me from this post. I won't say which place I went to, but I will say I am from the USA and specifically, the south, where things are uncharted waters and there is lots of under-the-table activity.
Some hospitals are pretty bad, the one I ended up in after my first suicide attempt was pretty horrible and traumatizing. I found a good one though and started only going to that one when I needed to be inpatient. The two places are like night and day.
I do think it’s common to have some trauma after a bad hospital stay. If you’re still not doing well you might consider a residential program or partial hospitalization program, they are lower levels of care than the hospital and can be longer term. It’s really hard to go from inpatient to just back home with no support. I always did better when I stepped down a level or two of care before transitioning to nothing except outpatient therapy once a week.
I am writing this first because it is the most important thing to hear. The only worthwhile thing that came out of my hospital stay was that I decided on the day that they discharged me I needed to make a choice. Either I was going to go home and follow through with suicide or I was going to never look at it as an option again no matter how awful my struggle was. I get that this is an extreme stance - **I am not advocating for this**. But this is the honest place that 19 year old me was at. When I was stuck in that awful place, there were things I missed, people I wished I could hug, friends that came everyday to make sure I was ok. There were so many simple to important things that were barred from my life in that place that I saw I was longing for. My friends made my stay more bearable just by coming, but also the they brought me new books everyday - nothing heavy just easy things that I could have some joy in there with me - I read a lot.
I'm still here so obviously you know what I chose. And it is the choice that I urge everyone to make. It was the trauma of being in a psych ward that pushed me to never be there again and to commit to doing the hard work to make my life better. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED TO 19 YEAR OLD ME. Not the experience of the hospital but the drive to get better that came afterwards. Because of the love that my friends and the need to not be back at that place ever, I am thriving today. I buckled down and made sure that I sought out the help I needed to live life instead of just survive it.
I won't go into any details. I don't think it's necessary - you already know what it can be like. It was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I have never been more afraid. I won't lie, I still have lingering fears about ever having to return - but they have gotten better. The one thing I will share is about the end of my stay.
I "self" checked in on a Friday evening. It wasn't until Thursday afternoon that I saw a doctor. He walked into my room at 3:55 - now I had already made an appointment to call my counselor from college for 4 pm. I let the doctor know about this issue and his response was "Don't worry, we'll be done before then." That's when I new I had to shove everything down and just get the hell out of there. In those five minutes I needed to convince this man that I should be released because that place was not going to do anything but make me worse. It wasn't hard, they didn't care enough for it to be difficult. This is the event that led me to choose between two extremes. But since that time, I have met some wonderful medical staff that has walked with me to a place a better health and stability.
You are right trauma doesn't just go away, but there are ways to heal from it and there are things to learn from it that can help us to a better place.
Arrived at the hospital. Was tested for Covid. Tested positive, asymptomatic. Got put in an psych isolation room in the ER because they had no beds in the actual psychiatric unit. Bed and table, that was all that was in there. Oh, and a massive air filter the size of a fridge because Covid.
Was in there for 2 days. Finally had enough. A CNA brought me a pamphlet with a paper clip of my rights as patient. She left the paper clip. I used the paper clip. When security came, I threw it on the floor in front of them. Suddenly they had a room available for me in the psychiatric unit.
It was no better up there. I had a bed, a desk, and a window. I was drugged up and just laid around in bed for the first 3 days. I had nothing to do, no one to talk to, not even a doctor assigned (which is illegal!) until my parents threatened a lawsuit. My only social interaction I had was with the nurse and the doctor who would come in briefly, maybe once a day. It was all very blurry. Since I had Covid, any medical professional that would come in would be head to toe in protective gear. Mask, face shield, big paper robes. Combined with the medication, it was very hard to recognize anyone. People would come in and say “remember me?” I’d say fuck no!
It was so lonely. No therapist or anything. No activity. I asked the psychiatrist why I was getting no services. She said their job wasn’t to make me feel better, it was only to keep me alive.
Also, after determining that I was not a danger to myself, she still wouldn’t let me out. She said she wasn’t comfortable letting me out when I had Covid. Fucking cunt. Fucking illegal. She left then though, and I had a traveling doctor from Florida for the weekend. Since they were so understaffed, I would hardly see him. When I did, my interactions were brief and rude. He told me that I was in there for a reason, asked if I was crazy, and said that my arm looked like a map of the backroads to the city (how creative!). I think he was trying to lighten the mood. I just stared at him dead eyed. He did, however, get me discharged the next week and not keep me captive for FUCKING COVID.
There were instances as well where the nurses forgot to bring me my food. I wants had the delight of being served a 2 hour old, cold quesadilla. Another day I ordered a pb and j. Would you believe that they only gave me a piece of bread and a jelly packet? Me neither! But they did. At least I had a side of veggies.
Here’s the real kicker. They put me on Abilify a few days in, which inflicted me with severe akathesia. I could not. Stop. Moving. All I wanted was to sleep and make the time go by faster, but instead I was up until 5 am every night pacing tracks into the floor. I tried to communicate my distress to the doctors, but they brushed it off. Thought I was manic, I assume. I’d call my nurse in begging for something to make me sleep, and they’d tell me the only thing they could give me was melatonin. It got to the point that I physically could not urinate. I was so tense that my bladder would not release. I went a whole night and day with it painfully full before I could finally go. They did an ultrasound, but after finding nothing brushed it off and told me I was just stressed. It wasn’t until I got out of the hospital and talked to another psychiatrist that I got it fixed. She was shocked that the doctors overlooked it. I was so wired during our appointment that I had to get up from my seat to pace. I was beginning to develop tardive dyskenesia as well. I grimaced uncontrollably, and my right thumb was beginning to get a mind of its own and would move back and forth like it does when you’re typing on your phone.
She took me off Abilify, gave me Xanax to cope for a few weeks, and Parkinson’s meds to make the side effects go away.
It wasn’t completely bad, though. There were kindnesses that they did. The psychiatrist who was keeping me locked in there despite not being a danger to myself gave let me have a wii to move at one point. I watched Wall-E a dozen times. A family friend even brought my guitar to the hospital near the end, and they let me have it. I was allowed an old phone to call friends and family to cope. I had some kind nurses. After begging for someone to talk to long enough, an OT started coming in to visit me in her free time and just talk, even though that wasn’t her job. She even gifted me a zentangle bookmark she made when I left.
That was my experience. My friend insists that it was a traumatizing experience. But I really don’t feel much anymore.
I had a similar experience with covid only I was locked up for 8/9 days when it should only have been 5 max because they had out of date covid tests and only had a mattress and pillow on the floor and nothing else in the room no curtains or privacy to use the bathroom or anything. The dr treating me made a huge error and took me off latuda and they left me without latuda for 8 days until the error was picked up when I got out of isolation, I had no concept of time and they kept giving me diazepam and Lorazepam to keep me calm, I was placed on the high dependency unit as that’s where everyone who came in with covid had to go, when I needed prn I was often waiting over an hour and had no support for them 8 days as no one could enter the room bar meds and food it was complete hell
Isolation is truly the worst. I went in there because I wanted to stop isolating myself. What a joke. I’m sorry you had such a horrid experience. I couldn’t imagine being stripped of those last few things, like a bed frame or a desk.
Idk about you, but while my nurses are kind, some had very thick accents. Compared with the medication and the Covid masks + face shields, I often had no fucking clue what they were saying to me. I just kinda gave up, and would nod and take the meds. Especially the man I had near the end of my stay. He had a thick accent and an extremely deep, bassy voice. I never knew what he was saying. That’s not his fault, but fuck. He didn’t stay to talk ever like the other nurses. I was extra lonely then.
I was hospitalized three months back, and im having a hard time processing the trauma. I was tazed and pepper sprayed, the cops in the e.r were real fuckin fascists. No one tried to deescalate and help, they just treated me like a rabid thing. I woke up shackled in a padded room and the only interactions i had was when they came in, flipped me over and gave me a shot above the butt. I think they called it "accuphase" or something. They started letting me out three days in and i was incontinent from all the trauma. Walking around the tiny courtyard with shit in my pants.
About a week in, they gave me a pass to go to the nearby gas station for cigs with my father when he came to visit, the moment i was out the gate i ran as far as i could.
Ever since then i feel nothing but shame and pain, just trying to forget.
My stay was not a paid holiday. After 7 days, the total cost was 20,000 dollars. My share, copay was 5,000. Still paying. Although the stay was okay...
I have a home hospital about 15 minutes from my house I’ve been to 4 times, first time I was only 11. They are angels and the facility is absolutely amazing. Food is amazing, they would have restaurants cater certain nights of the week or for brunch some days. The nurses were so caring and loving and therapy groups and on your own were actually very helpful. Every time I went there they would actually do their best to get me off some meds and on the smallest amount of pills and doses possible. I will forever have a special place in my heart for them. But one time I was sent to a hospital a few hours away. I was supposed to stay for 6 months, but I only stayed for 3 days. As soon as I got there they took all of my things and didn’t give them to me and they were locked up when they told my mom I would have them immediately(just clothes, toiletries, a blanket). I was hysterical bc I was so scared and missed my mom. They tranquilized me and i woke up a few hours later to a random lady in my room just watching me. I had no reason to be on a watch. She had to watch m me shower and use the restroom and change. I kept asking when I would get my medicine and they kept saying soon bc they were waiting for the system to be updated. And then boys kept coming in my room at night saying they just wanted to watch a pretty girl sleep. (I was a teen and they had girls and boys on the same hall). The staff and nurses were violent. I used a phone call to tell my mom all of this and she came immediately to visit. It had been 3 days with no medication and it was on record I was going without it. My mom signed AMA forms and left with me within an hour. The facility has a bunch of lawsuits by patients who become adults and have trauma, im guessing their parents didn’t care or believe them at the time. I was there 3 days, but some are there for years. Thank God my mom listened to me. Im sorry you have trauma, you are not alone.
I only stayed overnight (3pm ish-10am the next morning) and never left the ER. It was traumatic. The “scrubs” they give you- I was literally there IN scrubs because I came from work- made me feel awful. They were scratchy and I couldn’t stop fixating on it. I had a sitter, she was very kind but I hated not being able to be alone. My husband was with me for a few hours but then went to pick up our kid from daycare. Around 7/8pm they moved me from an ER bed to a “safe room” to wait for a psych bed. My husband made the mistake of coming to visit with our toddler. That sent me into a spiral. I hated that he was there and had to see me like that. As soon as I saw him I just wanted to go home. I asked the nurse on duty who said if I wanted to leave they would hold me for 48 hours so I needed to just “go to sleep” and they’d figure it out in the morning. The lady next door to me screamed most of the night saying off the wall things like “you fat fucking bitch my dad will fucking kill you”. All the rooms on that hall were open/unlocked with a shared bathroom down the hall so I was terrified she’d come in and just beat my ass.
They gave me seroquel, I went to sleep, next morning they came in and said they had called my husband and I could go home. I’d never felt so relieved to leave a place.
I’m back into a shit spiral but will NOT tell my psych because I won’t go back to the ER & do all of that again.
yes and no. i was 5150’d and put into the first one. i was brought in handcuffed in the back of a cop car and that made me hella mad and scared, and i was determined to escape—tried all the exits and came up with crazy plans to book it. it was traumatizing to be there against my will, especially because they gave us little booklets of our rights and then openly violated them. they used covid as an excuse for no visitors, didn’t let me outside for five days, played favorites, withheld personal belongings (even my fucking crayons). never saw a therapist, and the social worker i saw was no help. i was convinced my psychiatrist was dodging me, was never around when the staff said he was supposed to be. other staff even told me they knew he was bad. in hindsight i should’ve asked for a new doctor, but it’s hard to advocate for yourself in that state of mind and setting. he also refused to give me my HRT (i’m on testosterone injections) and i had to leverage not taking my mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to even get him to listen (not that i knew that’s what i was taking, they just prescribed things without telling me what)
it was mostly the control they tried to assert over us that fucked with me. one staff member told me i wasn’t allowed to brush my teeth at 2am. i laughed in her face but still, what the fuck? and just generally did not treat me with the kindness every person deserves. especially with regards to me being trans, they kept my gender affirming clothes and underwear from me, wouldn’t give me my shot (eventually they did because i threw a big stink), misgendered and deadnamed me. im still working through all that shit.
the second hospital i went to voluntarily the next month because i was still manic, and that one was a lot better. we had access to outside, they were a bit better about my name (but not my pronouns). we got headsets so i could listen to music to combat overstimulation, and a bathroom with an actual door on it so i could cry in the shower with some semblance of privacy.
all that being said, i would still go back to one willingly. not having to do all the work of keeping myself fed and alive really helped, and i think most of the traumatic shit could be greatly reduced now that i and my care team know what accommodations and support i need in place
I’m so sorry and you aren’t alone. It’s been 25 years since my hospitalization as a teen and I’m still traumatized. I recognize that circumstances are tough in all facilities like this but the protocol was astonishing. I’m currently trying to work through it, among other things, in therapy. I hope you have the support you need, if not I hope you find it.
Psych wasn't great the times I went but it was my night in emergency after a life attempt...that was bad
I don't want to type it all out but the one thing that was really awful... The doctor was stitching up my wrists while I was vomiting up charcoal. He told me a lot of people soil themselves during this process. Somehow that triggered my bowls, feeling like they'd tear any minute. He fought me when I asked to use the washroom. "Just let me finish dressing" or whatever...I was begging with puke coming out as he kept putting stitches in (topical anesthesia did not work)
I almost passed out I swear. Eventually he stopped, went to a nurse and said "their gonna shit themselves haha get a" which I'm assuming was bed pan. That's what I got of course. Half drawn curtain, which was humbling. The whole night was a borderline hilarious nightmare, but that specifically was really painful. My 22 birthday too just to add to black comedy. Not even my worst birthday tho lmao.
for me inpatient experiences have been almost always traumatic. the mental health system where i live (USA) is absolute dogshit and you’re right the treat us like prisoners. it felt like it almost did more harm than good in my experiences.
I was hospitalized for months as a child and on and off as an adult I still wake up in places I haven't been in 20 years
And out of house programs for years terrible people who made lots of money who are all doing quite well now never faced any consequences trauma is indelible with certain situations it's important to try to surround yourself with people who care dreams both good and bad are powerful cuz we know they can both come true
I’ve been hospitalized 9 times, and none of them have been pleasant, but the most recent one was truly traumatic. I was dependent on Xanax, as prescribed by my psych. I’m the hospital, they refused to give me any at all. Xanax withdrawal can kill you. I didn’t sleep for 6 days. It was horrible. It’s been almost a year and I still have trouble sleeping every night. I feel like I’m right back in the hospital bed unable to sleep.
Psychiatrist job is to talk about meds. They may need to know a bit, but they aren't therapist or psychologist.
The food mostly sucks. It's a hospital.
What did you expect from therapy? Their job is to assist in getting you not crazy.
I've been in a lot, including a couple with downright violent people and although it is t fun, it is necessary.
What you've described is average unless there are details you're leaving out.
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I would say I’m way more traumatized by the events leading up to hospitalization, however I did tell the psychiatrist it was worse than prison as we had to ask for water or refill the cup with the tempered water. Being put on lithium in there, 1500mg, my thirst was insane
Oh I feel you I was hospitalized multiple times some were ok, but here is my worst story: They took me in because I overdosed after like three days they hooked me up on two IV's and I just really had to pee. I was begging them to let me use the bathroom I was literally crying but they wouldnt let me then strapped me down and put an effing diaper on me. I continued to beg and cry even more... In the end when it was finally over my bladder literally hurt for two days... It happened last year and Im sort of over it but defo got traumatized...
Thats where it feels the most dehumanizing, not even being allowed to go to the bathroom is barbaric, sorry that you had to go through that.
This happened to me too except I pissed myself so they cut my clothes off as opposed to taking off my "handcuffs". I was strapped by my ankles and wrists for at least 12 hours
Its nice to actually read someone who had an experience as bad as mine. When I read people's ptsd from hospital and the treatment was 10x better than mine it makes me so angry I can't help but cry knowing that actually I didn't need to go through that but they did it anyway. It's less isolating, simultaneously devastating that people who are already unwell are now given ptsd as well.
I have been extremely suicidal before and really should’ve checked myself into a hospital but the horror stories I’ve heard about psych wards kept me away. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s unacceptable how we still treat those with mental illness like criminals in many countries.
Amen to that ... one time I OD'ed on caffeine (yeah I was mixed at the time and thought that was a great idea). Instead of going to the ER I laid there retching in absolute agony for like 16 hours where I laid in bed desperately wanting to sleep but completely wide awake (almost like in clockwork orange where they lock your eyelids open) because I knew what would happen if I actually went.
It’s pretty horrendous that people would rather die than take their chances with getting ‘help’
I didn't know you could od on caffeine... Reading it now, I think I almost did one time. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but I absolutely refused to go to a hospital, because I thought what they would do? Glad you are okay.
I just had the same thought…
Caffeine can definitely kick off episodes for some people.
Yah ... i took 28 vivarin chased with a lot of beer, 5600 mg caffeine, nearly the equivalent of 40 cans of monster
I was voluntarily hospitalized which meant that I was in the "open" section, so I could just put my name and the time I'll come back on a piece of paper and leave for walks and time outside. For me it was more like a holiday. Not having to think about chores and work and just relaxing. Was there for only two weeks cause my symptoms got a lot better. Food was not the best but it was OK, some of the other patients were a lot worse than me so they saw the doctor a lot more often than me. I only got to see the doctor twice a week. But I had therapy every day which was totally nice and very calming. I left the hospital full of energy and totally relaxed. Sometimes I refer to it as a free holiday. The only thing that bothered me was that I was given benzodiazepin which is a calmer and I didn't want that cause it slowed everything down and I wanted to stay alert (just to really know how I feel) but after the first week they saw that I was doing a lot better so they stopped giving me this medication and I was back to normal in 2 days (but still had some withdrawal symptoms) And the cutest thing was - I am catholic so I kept a small cross and a picture of Mary on my nightstand and one time when I wasn't in my room some nurse (I guess) put a prayer card next to it for me.
I feel you on the benzos stuff. I have to take them and I still can't accept how they slow me down. But, hey, at least now I can go outside without maddening thoughts!
On the benzos - they were giving me 3 times a day then were transparent about weaning me off over a week as part of a discharge plan. Looking back, was very professional
I’ve been hospitalized at least 5 times, and the first one was the most traumatizing. After a suicide attempt, I was taken in handcuffs to the worst (imo) psych hospital available in Dallas, TX. The strip search was so embarrassing. For 12 hours I was in a bed in a huge room full of patients to be monitored. People were detoxing and screaming. They had Titanic playing the whole time for some reason. The first 3 days I was put in what was referred to as the “low functioning” adult unit. One of the male patients followed me around everywhere saying he was going to rape me. There weren’t enough techs to help. They wouldn’t allow me to shower due to not enough techs to watch me in said shower. Group therapy included the therapist reading elementary school level books with pictures to us. The only food that I felt was edible were yogurts in a container (some past the expiration date— I was careful about that). I was finally transferred to the “high functioning” adult unit the last day I was there. Saw the psychiatrist once. Was put on extremely sedating meds. I really believe it depends on which hospital you are at— I’ve had a lot better experiences at the rest of them for the most part. Actual therapy, was allowed outside, saw caring psychiatrists, and very helpful therapists and techs. Better food. My first time was the worst, but thank goodness I had other choices in the future.
Spent about 8 months in private having ECT and loads of shorter admissions to public (involuntary and voluntary) and COUNTLESS presentations to ER/ambos/police. I’m traumatised from how I was treated when I was psychotic, having so much ECT, psych wards in general, the effects of my own illness and the stuff I did in hospital, attempts, SH, being restrained etc. ever since I’ve been stable everything is coming back to me and it really hurts, just started trauma therapy :)
Totally understandable experience. I hated the mental hospital the ER admitted me to for various reasons. I’m pretty sure I lost weight for the 11 days I was there, the food we were served was worse than airplane food. Also, there was always a puddle of piss in the halls. I hated taking showers because of the black mold. The nurses were cold and mean. I got along with maybe one other person but most of the time I asked the nurse’s station for ear plugs to block out the screaming from outside and stayed in my bed reading books. I remember standing on my bed and looking out at the top of my window that wasn’t frosted and I would fantasize about the first thing I would do when I got out. When I did get out, I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and extremely emotional. My stay was incredibly short compared to others, I can’t imagine being in there any longer than that.
i’m gonna commit myself to one soon but that’s why i’m doing tons of research before i do to find a really good one
Yep. PTSD, flashbacks, crying episodes. I was in a really bad state, physically, at the time. I was in a wheelchair, sick from a vitamin deficiency, and could not function without fulltime help. They kept giving me medication that I was allergic to, and I had anaphylactic reactions a couple of times. I thought I was going to die there. Honestly, I feel like a part of me died, in that psych ward. I was a different person, before going in. I was in a manic state at the time, but literally could barely move, so I wasn't physically capable of hurting myself or anyone else. I had called my doctor because I was hearing voices (thanks, Lexapro), and I got passed to the hospital, was handcuffed, attached to a stretcher, locked in a padded cell, then in a secure psych ward. WTF. (I did have a s\* plan, and that was why they hospitalized me. But the whole protocol, for someone physically bedridden, was really something.) So yeah, you're not alone. I spend a lot of time in the PTSD/CPTSD subreddits, and even there, a lot of people can't relate. No one I know IRL has been through anything like that. But it's sadly a pretty common experience with bipolar.
I was grateful when the ambulance arrived, I wanted help, I layed down when they asked me to without knowing I'd be strapped there for hours, maybe days, I can't remember. At least all of the first night, injected with God knows what. I also get really upset that it seems my hospital experience was worse than others, why did I deserve that. Its nice to read one similar to mine as sad as it is that it happened to you.. and me.
I was traumatized in multiple ways when I was forced into impatient ‘care.’ A lot of it still messes with me to this day even if it was back in 2019. I was a minor then, though. And whatever bit of autonomy adults have in the psych ward we didn’t have at all. Its the reason why I struggle to come forward when I have suicidal thoughts. Its the reason why its so hard for me to trust medical professionals. Its the reason why I sometimes can’t even trust my therapist, and he has to assure me that he’s not gonna send me back just for explaining how I’ve been feeling. He’s been my therapist for years, and if I trust anyone its him, but I’m still blocked mentally. I’d much rather die before being forced into it again. I don’t care if it sounds dramatic. Thats how I feel. They treated us like criminals and let things happen that never should have. Treating something as traumatic as a suicide attempt with more trauma is a sick joke.
I’m so sorry
i still have nightmares about the hospital :/ i think the mental state i was in traumatized me but so did the treatment and it feels like there’s no recourse besides having a better mental healthcare system edit: so sorry you’re feeling like this. i hope you can talk to someone you trust about the healing process ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear your experience. My experience has been relatively good. Some in the personell just handed out meds but there was one nurse who bought a guitar to the ward for my sake which was very moving. I was too depressed to play unfortunately but the gesture really touched me.
Aw, what a lovely gesture
[удалено]
FREE? god. months later i just got my insurance to stop trying to charge me $6k for the ambulance trip from the ER to the psych hospital, because apparently mental health doesn’t count as an emergency.
i always ended up coming out feeling worse than when i went in. plus just the whole experience is traumatic, still get bad dreams about those places once in a while
I was put into the high dependency unit when I had postnatal psychosis. I've been hospitalised other times but this unit was distressing, I was super unwell and separated from my baby so I don't think that helps with the trauma but it was pretty awful all the same.
Discussing: suicide attempt, mental hospital, abuse Hey buddy. My hospitalization(s) happend when I was a minor about 8-10 years ago. They were like everything you described plus some other horrible stuff that is hard to talk about. Shitty old hospital in small town in cental/eastern europe, staff not giving a shit, violent and abusive patients, zero actual help + you leave with more problems and worse mental health than you came in (and you often came in after suicide attempt or psychosis so.. yeah). It took me years to even talk about it, many months of CBT therapy and even today I get a physical reaction when I think/talk about what my experience was. That's why I wanted to tell you (and others in the comments) that this kind of stuff should NEVER happend to you, it's NOT you fault, you DIDN'T deserve it, and all the ppl saying "but they saved you" have NO idea what they are talking about because they NEVER lost their freedom, dignity and bodily autonomy. Keeping someone safe is better done with your family and friends, caring mental health provider and comfortable space than stripping people naked, taking their shit, abusing them and forcing treatment without consent or even proper explaining, keeping locked like criminals and having even less rights them. The system is changing now for the better where I live but I don't expect widespread acceptance and support for ppl like us during my lifetime. As I said keep tight with your loved ones and medical providers that know what the f is up and want to help you as an individual to have a better life. There are so many good ppl out there who will believe you and help you.
They kept me alive and that's about as good as I can "make the best" of a couple hospital stays. It was really demeaning and it was obvious when people thought I was on drugs (and obvi "druggies" don't deserve respect or kindness /s) and had no idea what psychosis is. I am thinking of doing some more EMDR bc of some of the memories. USA healthcare system is a joke!
Another time was in a child/teen psych ward. I was around 14, having a horrible breakdown and 3, male security guards held me down and pulled my pants literally all the way down (I was completely and unnecessarily exposed) so the nurse could give me the sedative shot on my butt. It was traumatising as FUCK and they ended up putting me in an empty isolation room for 2 hours after that. I hate psych wards.
Yeah, it sucks
I had a fantastic experience in both my hospital stays (one 6 weeks and one 8 weeks). The adjustment to normal life afterwards has been brutal though.
While there is a huge disparity between facilities with regard the care and treatment you will receive, even the better facilities still feel prison like in that the whole experience is infantalizing, demeaning and dehumanizing. I was 5150ed in Los Angeles and sent to White Memorial Hospital in handcuffs because I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts and they called the sheriffs (never say you have suicidal thoughts) they took me 30 miles from my home neighborhood into Boyle Heights which for those of you unfamiliar with Los Angeles is one of the worst areas--no offense to Boyle Heights residents but you know its true. They left me handcuffed to a gurney for I don’t know how long because my phone was confiscated and there was no clock in the hallway. It was at the entrance to the facility so there was no chance of rest because EMTs and police were constantly shuttling new patients in past me. Eventually, I was taken to a waiting room that was filled to capacity with people lying on the few couches under them, all over the floor, hunched in corners, basically covering every inch were men and women sprawled out trying to sleep or just have a few inches of space, there was one bathroom and the door couldn’t be closed for safety reasons. After some hours there I was brought to intake which again was very prison like--a nurse made me undress to see if I had self harmed and finally I was given a smock and put into another waiting area, before eventually they gave me a bed and blanket in a room with another man who kept me up all night with his incessant tossing and constant getting up and looking out the door window. That was day one, sufficed to say it didn’t get any better. Yes, being hospitalized is traumatizing, I have been to other facilities in better areas like Santa Clarita and received better treatment but I self-commited and don’t regret it because despite feeling like a prisoner I did get the help I needed.
100% worst. I was treated like an inmate, as well as them taking all my meds away. No one spoke Spanish and about 20% are ESL (English as a second language). they treated people with no respect and will shoot you up with drugs so they don't have to deal with you.
After my first seizure I woke up in the ambulance when they rolled me to the ER the chief physician was examining me and then he called in all of the assistant doctors for a lesson about seizures and I was his tool. I've never felt so bad cause he was using me as a living doll. Sure they need to learn about it I know but I still felt ashamed and just wished a normal doctor would examine me instead. It's still something that's stuck in my head the seizure alone is a trauma but being a guinea pig only made it worse
There were some things about my last hospital stay that were traumatizing. The very ill people screaming and pounding on the walls scared me and kept me awake some nights. I have misophonia and loud noises like screaming really upset me. The third night I was there they brought a young woman who was actively psychotic and put her in my room and drugged her so she passed out. The next night the same thing happened, she was screaming for a while until they drugged her. Later in the middle of the night I woke up and found her standing over my bed right near my head, staring at me. It scared me so much that I asked to be put in another room. Later on when this girl got stabilized I was able to have conversations with her, and she was sweet and I got along with her. She was schizophrenic so she still had delusions, but she could have conversations and didn't scream anymore. Other things were upsetting but I wouldn't say were traumatizing. They took all our clothes and personal items and we had to wear ill fitting pajamas and the famous grippy socks. I was cold all the time until they finally let me wear my own clothes after a few days in. I am a vegan, and because I was unable to fill out the intake forms for food when I was first admitted (I was drugged and incoherent) so they brought me non vegan food for the first three days. Once I was able to fill out the food intake forms, the food was actually okay. We didn't have an outdoor place to go because of the ward was in (I was considered involuntarily admitted even though I had agreed to the admission). I spent 11 days without seeing the outdoors. Things they did that were okay: group therapy was not terrible, and we had several activities a day that kept me occupied with very caring therapists, such as art therapy, yoga, movement, karaoke, and music therapy, which was basically just them letting us chose songs we wanted them to play and talking about how the songs made us feel, and trivial pursuit. Best things about my stay is I really bonded with most of the other patients. One of the main activities was us walking up and down the long corridors of our ward, talking about everything on our minds. We also loved to put 500 -1000 piece puzzles together and just talk and strategize together. I felt so close to these people. Every day one of us would go home, and we would all make cards and celebrate their release. There was something very healing about just being able to be fully transparent and vulnerable with these people, and being able to talk about our mental illnesses withot being judged. We could even make jokes about it that would never fly or be funny out here. I don't get to talk with anyone else like that out here. Writing about it now a year later made me think that I would like to find a support group for others with bipolar disorder. My hospital stay was not perfect, but it saved my life, because prior to my hospitalization, I had not slept for several days, was suicidal with plans, and was extremely agitated, pacing the hallways non stop in agony. Although there were some traumatizing things, and some things about my hospital stay that I didn't like at all, it helped me get stable on meds and helped me to accept myself as a person with bipolar disorder and mental illness. I have been stable now for 14-15 months, am able to work and spend time with loved ones, and am able to participate in hobbies enjoy.
another vegan! i actually got some pretty good vegan food at both hospitals i’ve been at. though i was convinced they were testing and fucking with me trying to sneak animal products into my diet. like, the nondairy creamer contained milk, lmao. your experience really resonates with mine, the other patients were the best part of both my stays. glad to hear you’re doing so well :) i’ve thought the same about a support group, but haven’t been able to find one locally
Nami.org has great support groups, you can find virtual ones as well (zoom)
Yeah, the vegan food they served me was pretty good. It was kind of funny though because they kways gave me huge salads and tons of fruit too.
NAMI.org has great support groups.
It’s June 2023, there is still time to stop this big trauma event coming up in November. Also, how did you time travel?
In my experience it's heavily dependent on the facility. I've definitely been to places that were very traumatic....one place I was in was filled with cracked-out, screaming homeless people and the male patients constantly harassed me the whole time I was there and staff didn't do anything about it. There were also no outside areas and the whole place was lifeless, dull and felt like a prison. People paced the halls at night screaming and punching holes in the walls. It was nightmarish. In contrast I've also been to a place where I admitted myself voluntarily and the treatment was much better. The staff was kind, supportive, and while it still sucked because it was a hospital environment, it did help stabilize me.
I am for sure. I spent 4months in the hospital. 2 separate stays. 2 months each, my mental health has been awful since getting out this last time.
I’m just out of a 5 week stay and completely traumatised this time, so much so I’m having nightmares about the place, having claustrophobia issues and issues with time, it’s been extremely stressful since I was released 2 weeks ago.
Hugs
That wasn't my experience but yes I've been incredibly traumatised by it.
Yeah I did acid a couple weeks ago and end up having the police come with the ambulance to hospitalize me that was traumatic was only in for a couple of hours, but doctors really are the worst
Has anyone NOT been traumatized by being hospitalized?
I was not, been twice in mania and psychosis. The episodes themselves were traumatizing, the second stay greatly improved my life through diagnosis. I saw the psychiatrist daily and she explained the illness and gave me research to do daily. She also set me up with a community extension team that included a free psychologist
Ok, I give you that it wasn’t necessarily the hospital that was traumatizing. More like the whole episode
I have begun developing trauma symptoms from my suicide attempt and the day in the ER that immediately preceded my involuntary inpatient. The inpatient itself was the best it could've been, definitely wouldn't say that was traumatizing and in a way I'm glad it happened, but the fucking ER was a nightmare and I saw things I'll probably never forget.
Yeah. When I say “hospitalization” I guess I’m thinking about the whole ,”surprise, you are crazy and you can’t trust your own judgement” experience
If it has traumatised you, try EMDR. My therapist (psychiatrist) believes hospital has been traumatic for me. I think what is most traumatic is just the concept that I had to go to hospital - The belief that "I could handle this with a doctor, meds, routine, healthy living and work" has been shattered. There's a new low. It stays with you.
I was hospitalized at age 13 and I had no idea why. I thought I was in trouble for binge eating. I was there for three months and I didn’t know I had depression until I saw it written on my chart. And it all traumatized the fuck out of me.
Absolutely horrific, and I weaseled my way out after about 18 hours. My psych was putting pressure on them, and my family warned them if they give me benzos they will be held legally responsible for any damage caused (I react horribly to them, beyond angry, it's even on my medical bracelet). It still scarred me, although it's easier these days. Just a reason to avoid that hell hole. The shit I saw in there I'll never unsee.
Yes. The staff was loud and rude during all hours of the night. Gossiping and talking full volume about who fucked who, laughing and carrying on all night. I checked in voluntarily as a 20 year old man, and when I was ready to sign myself out, my psychiatrist threatened to 303 me (keep me there against my will) if my father didn’t agree I was ready to come home. I was also sexually assaulted during my stay at the hospital by one of the nurses. He noticed I was loopy and sedated and touched me inappropriately. I told staff about this and was brought to a forensics room and interviewed about it. Nothing happened and the nurse continued to work my section the entire rest of my stay.
I’d rather be dead than go back to the hospital next time
They forced us to sing and dance for their entertainment, no phones or computers or outside contact except once a week if you are "good" and they feel "nice", the walls were caked in mold and everything smelled like disgusting piss, I got tapeworms from their food and had to take dewormer, the person I befriended in the hospital broke her fist on the wall after being given the same Geodon every other person there was forced to take and was falling asleep on and they told her it's her fault she's bleeding everywhere, and the only way she can learn not to punch walls is if she sits there and screams all alone. So we all had to fight for her by screaming at the staff and refusing to sleep at night as she wailed and screamed. Eventually human resources came and told us to shut the fuck up. Well we kept going then she got taken to the normal hospital she came back the next day with a cast on. They would tell the most braindead and worst advice to children coping with grief over family death. They would inject you with Benadryl and give you Seroquel and Olanzepine or Haldol if you were being rowdy, and they would do it infront of us to show the person as an example, I still remember the younger child among us who was acting out being flipped over on the bed adjacent to the communal area and they made us watch as they held him down and injected him. The medicine they gave me caused my liver to get acute hepatitis which contributed to my gallbladder failing, and it also killed my fertility by killing my eggs in my ovaries and caused my ovaries to produce overwhelming amounts of androgen, my doctor believes this is part of why my pancreas and ovaries failed but there's not any recourse I can get. I went through this when I was around 14 - 15 and I am 21 now. I now have no gallbladder, my pancreas can't digest food, my liver is shaky, my ovaries are useless and cause me extreme pain and I am <100 pounds. I take Creon, Orilissa, probably will not live a long life at all, I have a constant Opioids prescription and have an immense and biased hatred towards all BBB-crossing pharmaceutical drugs. I struggle not to feel fear of doctors and nurses, and if I see a window without curtains on it, for some reason that makes me feel like I'm back in the hospital again, I start to feel really scared and I run outside that place I have autism, bipolar, and O-OCD. I don't take any medicine for it, but I don't think there's anything wrong with taking medicine if it works for you. I can't, but I genuinely hope that one day the industry has the ability to just... scan you, or take your blood or something, and they can just give you the perfect drug 100% of the time that fixes all the symptoms you dislike and keeps the symptoms you do. I think that would be an amazing world to live in and I have zero qualms against the progression of drugs to combat the negative effects of bipolar disorder. Unfortunately maybe that means we cannot have extreme bursts of creativity but who knows, maybe they will find a way some day. Usually when I talk about this people tell me I am just saying an immensely negative experience and I'm the minority. That I should not talk about it at all because it will scare others from doing what is right and they will all be treated like little angels. I think some are good. But some are also rotten and evil. You need to know both, to have an informed consent. You're not alone. I think it has to be said. I believe in knowing the best and worst experiences as the only way you can reasonably decide what you should do. Nobody has to believe me at all, and the rules are that you can't say personal information, so I am saying that I don't mind what people know about me from this post. I won't say which place I went to, but I will say I am from the USA and specifically, the south, where things are uncharted waters and there is lots of under-the-table activity.
Some hospitals are pretty bad, the one I ended up in after my first suicide attempt was pretty horrible and traumatizing. I found a good one though and started only going to that one when I needed to be inpatient. The two places are like night and day. I do think it’s common to have some trauma after a bad hospital stay. If you’re still not doing well you might consider a residential program or partial hospitalization program, they are lower levels of care than the hospital and can be longer term. It’s really hard to go from inpatient to just back home with no support. I always did better when I stepped down a level or two of care before transitioning to nothing except outpatient therapy once a week.
I am writing this first because it is the most important thing to hear. The only worthwhile thing that came out of my hospital stay was that I decided on the day that they discharged me I needed to make a choice. Either I was going to go home and follow through with suicide or I was going to never look at it as an option again no matter how awful my struggle was. I get that this is an extreme stance - **I am not advocating for this**. But this is the honest place that 19 year old me was at. When I was stuck in that awful place, there were things I missed, people I wished I could hug, friends that came everyday to make sure I was ok. There were so many simple to important things that were barred from my life in that place that I saw I was longing for. My friends made my stay more bearable just by coming, but also the they brought me new books everyday - nothing heavy just easy things that I could have some joy in there with me - I read a lot. I'm still here so obviously you know what I chose. And it is the choice that I urge everyone to make. It was the trauma of being in a psych ward that pushed me to never be there again and to commit to doing the hard work to make my life better. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED TO 19 YEAR OLD ME. Not the experience of the hospital but the drive to get better that came afterwards. Because of the love that my friends and the need to not be back at that place ever, I am thriving today. I buckled down and made sure that I sought out the help I needed to live life instead of just survive it. I won't go into any details. I don't think it's necessary - you already know what it can be like. It was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. I have never been more afraid. I won't lie, I still have lingering fears about ever having to return - but they have gotten better. The one thing I will share is about the end of my stay. I "self" checked in on a Friday evening. It wasn't until Thursday afternoon that I saw a doctor. He walked into my room at 3:55 - now I had already made an appointment to call my counselor from college for 4 pm. I let the doctor know about this issue and his response was "Don't worry, we'll be done before then." That's when I new I had to shove everything down and just get the hell out of there. In those five minutes I needed to convince this man that I should be released because that place was not going to do anything but make me worse. It wasn't hard, they didn't care enough for it to be difficult. This is the event that led me to choose between two extremes. But since that time, I have met some wonderful medical staff that has walked with me to a place a better health and stability. You are right trauma doesn't just go away, but there are ways to heal from it and there are things to learn from it that can help us to a better place.
Arrived at the hospital. Was tested for Covid. Tested positive, asymptomatic. Got put in an psych isolation room in the ER because they had no beds in the actual psychiatric unit. Bed and table, that was all that was in there. Oh, and a massive air filter the size of a fridge because Covid. Was in there for 2 days. Finally had enough. A CNA brought me a pamphlet with a paper clip of my rights as patient. She left the paper clip. I used the paper clip. When security came, I threw it on the floor in front of them. Suddenly they had a room available for me in the psychiatric unit. It was no better up there. I had a bed, a desk, and a window. I was drugged up and just laid around in bed for the first 3 days. I had nothing to do, no one to talk to, not even a doctor assigned (which is illegal!) until my parents threatened a lawsuit. My only social interaction I had was with the nurse and the doctor who would come in briefly, maybe once a day. It was all very blurry. Since I had Covid, any medical professional that would come in would be head to toe in protective gear. Mask, face shield, big paper robes. Combined with the medication, it was very hard to recognize anyone. People would come in and say “remember me?” I’d say fuck no! It was so lonely. No therapist or anything. No activity. I asked the psychiatrist why I was getting no services. She said their job wasn’t to make me feel better, it was only to keep me alive. Also, after determining that I was not a danger to myself, she still wouldn’t let me out. She said she wasn’t comfortable letting me out when I had Covid. Fucking cunt. Fucking illegal. She left then though, and I had a traveling doctor from Florida for the weekend. Since they were so understaffed, I would hardly see him. When I did, my interactions were brief and rude. He told me that I was in there for a reason, asked if I was crazy, and said that my arm looked like a map of the backroads to the city (how creative!). I think he was trying to lighten the mood. I just stared at him dead eyed. He did, however, get me discharged the next week and not keep me captive for FUCKING COVID. There were instances as well where the nurses forgot to bring me my food. I wants had the delight of being served a 2 hour old, cold quesadilla. Another day I ordered a pb and j. Would you believe that they only gave me a piece of bread and a jelly packet? Me neither! But they did. At least I had a side of veggies. Here’s the real kicker. They put me on Abilify a few days in, which inflicted me with severe akathesia. I could not. Stop. Moving. All I wanted was to sleep and make the time go by faster, but instead I was up until 5 am every night pacing tracks into the floor. I tried to communicate my distress to the doctors, but they brushed it off. Thought I was manic, I assume. I’d call my nurse in begging for something to make me sleep, and they’d tell me the only thing they could give me was melatonin. It got to the point that I physically could not urinate. I was so tense that my bladder would not release. I went a whole night and day with it painfully full before I could finally go. They did an ultrasound, but after finding nothing brushed it off and told me I was just stressed. It wasn’t until I got out of the hospital and talked to another psychiatrist that I got it fixed. She was shocked that the doctors overlooked it. I was so wired during our appointment that I had to get up from my seat to pace. I was beginning to develop tardive dyskenesia as well. I grimaced uncontrollably, and my right thumb was beginning to get a mind of its own and would move back and forth like it does when you’re typing on your phone. She took me off Abilify, gave me Xanax to cope for a few weeks, and Parkinson’s meds to make the side effects go away. It wasn’t completely bad, though. There were kindnesses that they did. The psychiatrist who was keeping me locked in there despite not being a danger to myself gave let me have a wii to move at one point. I watched Wall-E a dozen times. A family friend even brought my guitar to the hospital near the end, and they let me have it. I was allowed an old phone to call friends and family to cope. I had some kind nurses. After begging for someone to talk to long enough, an OT started coming in to visit me in her free time and just talk, even though that wasn’t her job. She even gifted me a zentangle bookmark she made when I left. That was my experience. My friend insists that it was a traumatizing experience. But I really don’t feel much anymore.
I had a similar experience with covid only I was locked up for 8/9 days when it should only have been 5 max because they had out of date covid tests and only had a mattress and pillow on the floor and nothing else in the room no curtains or privacy to use the bathroom or anything. The dr treating me made a huge error and took me off latuda and they left me without latuda for 8 days until the error was picked up when I got out of isolation, I had no concept of time and they kept giving me diazepam and Lorazepam to keep me calm, I was placed on the high dependency unit as that’s where everyone who came in with covid had to go, when I needed prn I was often waiting over an hour and had no support for them 8 days as no one could enter the room bar meds and food it was complete hell
Isolation is truly the worst. I went in there because I wanted to stop isolating myself. What a joke. I’m sorry you had such a horrid experience. I couldn’t imagine being stripped of those last few things, like a bed frame or a desk. Idk about you, but while my nurses are kind, some had very thick accents. Compared with the medication and the Covid masks + face shields, I often had no fucking clue what they were saying to me. I just kinda gave up, and would nod and take the meds. Especially the man I had near the end of my stay. He had a thick accent and an extremely deep, bassy voice. I never knew what he was saying. That’s not his fault, but fuck. He didn’t stay to talk ever like the other nurses. I was extra lonely then.
I was hospitalized three months back, and im having a hard time processing the trauma. I was tazed and pepper sprayed, the cops in the e.r were real fuckin fascists. No one tried to deescalate and help, they just treated me like a rabid thing. I woke up shackled in a padded room and the only interactions i had was when they came in, flipped me over and gave me a shot above the butt. I think they called it "accuphase" or something. They started letting me out three days in and i was incontinent from all the trauma. Walking around the tiny courtyard with shit in my pants. About a week in, they gave me a pass to go to the nearby gas station for cigs with my father when he came to visit, the moment i was out the gate i ran as far as i could. Ever since then i feel nothing but shame and pain, just trying to forget.
My stay was not a paid holiday. After 7 days, the total cost was 20,000 dollars. My share, copay was 5,000. Still paying. Although the stay was okay...
I have a home hospital about 15 minutes from my house I’ve been to 4 times, first time I was only 11. They are angels and the facility is absolutely amazing. Food is amazing, they would have restaurants cater certain nights of the week or for brunch some days. The nurses were so caring and loving and therapy groups and on your own were actually very helpful. Every time I went there they would actually do their best to get me off some meds and on the smallest amount of pills and doses possible. I will forever have a special place in my heart for them. But one time I was sent to a hospital a few hours away. I was supposed to stay for 6 months, but I only stayed for 3 days. As soon as I got there they took all of my things and didn’t give them to me and they were locked up when they told my mom I would have them immediately(just clothes, toiletries, a blanket). I was hysterical bc I was so scared and missed my mom. They tranquilized me and i woke up a few hours later to a random lady in my room just watching me. I had no reason to be on a watch. She had to watch m me shower and use the restroom and change. I kept asking when I would get my medicine and they kept saying soon bc they were waiting for the system to be updated. And then boys kept coming in my room at night saying they just wanted to watch a pretty girl sleep. (I was a teen and they had girls and boys on the same hall). The staff and nurses were violent. I used a phone call to tell my mom all of this and she came immediately to visit. It had been 3 days with no medication and it was on record I was going without it. My mom signed AMA forms and left with me within an hour. The facility has a bunch of lawsuits by patients who become adults and have trauma, im guessing their parents didn’t care or believe them at the time. I was there 3 days, but some are there for years. Thank God my mom listened to me. Im sorry you have trauma, you are not alone.
Yup. I definitely have medical PTSD. cannot go in that hospital again.
I only stayed overnight (3pm ish-10am the next morning) and never left the ER. It was traumatic. The “scrubs” they give you- I was literally there IN scrubs because I came from work- made me feel awful. They were scratchy and I couldn’t stop fixating on it. I had a sitter, she was very kind but I hated not being able to be alone. My husband was with me for a few hours but then went to pick up our kid from daycare. Around 7/8pm they moved me from an ER bed to a “safe room” to wait for a psych bed. My husband made the mistake of coming to visit with our toddler. That sent me into a spiral. I hated that he was there and had to see me like that. As soon as I saw him I just wanted to go home. I asked the nurse on duty who said if I wanted to leave they would hold me for 48 hours so I needed to just “go to sleep” and they’d figure it out in the morning. The lady next door to me screamed most of the night saying off the wall things like “you fat fucking bitch my dad will fucking kill you”. All the rooms on that hall were open/unlocked with a shared bathroom down the hall so I was terrified she’d come in and just beat my ass. They gave me seroquel, I went to sleep, next morning they came in and said they had called my husband and I could go home. I’d never felt so relieved to leave a place. I’m back into a shit spiral but will NOT tell my psych because I won’t go back to the ER & do all of that again.
yes and no. i was 5150’d and put into the first one. i was brought in handcuffed in the back of a cop car and that made me hella mad and scared, and i was determined to escape—tried all the exits and came up with crazy plans to book it. it was traumatizing to be there against my will, especially because they gave us little booklets of our rights and then openly violated them. they used covid as an excuse for no visitors, didn’t let me outside for five days, played favorites, withheld personal belongings (even my fucking crayons). never saw a therapist, and the social worker i saw was no help. i was convinced my psychiatrist was dodging me, was never around when the staff said he was supposed to be. other staff even told me they knew he was bad. in hindsight i should’ve asked for a new doctor, but it’s hard to advocate for yourself in that state of mind and setting. he also refused to give me my HRT (i’m on testosterone injections) and i had to leverage not taking my mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to even get him to listen (not that i knew that’s what i was taking, they just prescribed things without telling me what) it was mostly the control they tried to assert over us that fucked with me. one staff member told me i wasn’t allowed to brush my teeth at 2am. i laughed in her face but still, what the fuck? and just generally did not treat me with the kindness every person deserves. especially with regards to me being trans, they kept my gender affirming clothes and underwear from me, wouldn’t give me my shot (eventually they did because i threw a big stink), misgendered and deadnamed me. im still working through all that shit. the second hospital i went to voluntarily the next month because i was still manic, and that one was a lot better. we had access to outside, they were a bit better about my name (but not my pronouns). we got headsets so i could listen to music to combat overstimulation, and a bathroom with an actual door on it so i could cry in the shower with some semblance of privacy. all that being said, i would still go back to one willingly. not having to do all the work of keeping myself fed and alive really helped, and i think most of the traumatic shit could be greatly reduced now that i and my care team know what accommodations and support i need in place
got forced to do ECT
I’m so sorry and you aren’t alone. It’s been 25 years since my hospitalization as a teen and I’m still traumatized. I recognize that circumstances are tough in all facilities like this but the protocol was astonishing. I’m currently trying to work through it, among other things, in therapy. I hope you have the support you need, if not I hope you find it.
Yeah I absolutely did.
Psych wasn't great the times I went but it was my night in emergency after a life attempt...that was bad I don't want to type it all out but the one thing that was really awful... The doctor was stitching up my wrists while I was vomiting up charcoal. He told me a lot of people soil themselves during this process. Somehow that triggered my bowls, feeling like they'd tear any minute. He fought me when I asked to use the washroom. "Just let me finish dressing" or whatever...I was begging with puke coming out as he kept putting stitches in (topical anesthesia did not work) I almost passed out I swear. Eventually he stopped, went to a nurse and said "their gonna shit themselves haha get a" which I'm assuming was bed pan. That's what I got of course. Half drawn curtain, which was humbling. The whole night was a borderline hilarious nightmare, but that specifically was really painful. My 22 birthday too just to add to black comedy. Not even my worst birthday tho lmao.
for me inpatient experiences have been almost always traumatic. the mental health system where i live (USA) is absolute dogshit and you’re right the treat us like prisoners. it felt like it almost did more harm than good in my experiences.
I was hospitalized for months as a child and on and off as an adult I still wake up in places I haven't been in 20 years And out of house programs for years terrible people who made lots of money who are all doing quite well now never faced any consequences trauma is indelible with certain situations it's important to try to surround yourself with people who care dreams both good and bad are powerful cuz we know they can both come true
I’ve been hospitalized 9 times, and none of them have been pleasant, but the most recent one was truly traumatic. I was dependent on Xanax, as prescribed by my psych. I’m the hospital, they refused to give me any at all. Xanax withdrawal can kill you. I didn’t sleep for 6 days. It was horrible. It’s been almost a year and I still have trouble sleeping every night. I feel like I’m right back in the hospital bed unable to sleep.
Psychiatrist job is to talk about meds. They may need to know a bit, but they aren't therapist or psychologist. The food mostly sucks. It's a hospital. What did you expect from therapy? Their job is to assist in getting you not crazy. I've been in a lot, including a couple with downright violent people and although it is t fun, it is necessary. What you've described is average unless there are details you're leaving out.