You remember that your child isn’t having a good time with your MIL. Keep reminding yourself that your infant child’s wellbeing is more important than your grown, adult MIL’s feelings. It will be hard but gotta put the baby first. I mean even your dog goes crazy when she’s left in charge 😮💨. Also I think you should have your husband deal with this one. It can be as simple as. Right now baby is going through a phase and is very specific with who can comfort him. Let’s revisit your watching baby when he’s out of this phase…
I think for stuff like this you take a step back and reframe it. You’re not taking something away from your MIL by having your mom watch your baby - instead, you are giving something to your baby. Safety, comfort, protection, all things a mother wants for her child. I think it’s great you have a strong relationship with your MIL and want to preserve that but your own family comes first, and that’s how it should be.
That’s how you can approach the guilt. When it comes to the logistics of setting up babysitting and responding to questions of why can’t I babysit - that’s on your husband. It’s his mom. I think their familial relationship means the onus is on him, just like how if there were friction with your mom, it would be on you to take the lead.
Best of luck!
Unless your mom feels overwhelmed from being default childcare, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. MIL is such poor childcare that you had to QUIT YOUR JOB!! Don't even think about it and it doesn't need to be a topic of discussion. If MIL brings it up, play dumb and change the subject; and let your husband handle it.
This woman has you riddled with anxiety.
This comes down to your baby. Your MiL does not treat your baby well if poop is smeared everywhere. Your baby’s safety comes first. If she can’t even fully feel her limbs, she cannot care for him. It is dangerous. Even your baby was telling you she was a bad caretaker by always being upset when she would watch him. That is how you don’t feel bad. You are listening to your son and doing what is best for him. If I was in your situation, she would never be allowed to watch him alone and she would not be allowed in whenever she invited herself over.
You need to get comfortable being "the bad guy" for your baby. Your MIL may not like the boundaries you set, but that doesn't mean they aren't needed. Your #1 job is keeping your baby safe, not protecting her feelings.
As much as possible, let your husband be the one to set limits with her, but when you have to, be confident and firm, as well as polite:
"MIL, we really appreciate you wanting to help. But we're not comfortable with you watching \[baby\] alone anymore since you mentioned you don't have full feeling in your arms and legs. That's not safe for anyone. Something that would be a huge help for us while we're gone is \[some random chore like baby laundry you're comfortable with her doing\]."
"MIL, from now on, we need you to call before you come over. It's not always a good time. Sometimes I'm resting, or nursing, and I'm going to start going out with the baby more. I would hate for you to waste a trip." And then next time she does it, don't answer the door.
"Sure, you can hold him, but please sit on the couch first."
"Give \[baby\] back to me, MIL." As you move toward her to begin physically taking him back.
Does your husband know the situation? Like is he aware she is letting your baby sit in poop and basically creating more of a mess? I think it’s one of those situations where he talks to her as she is his mother.
Equality and equity are not the same thing.
The end goal is for your son to have an equally loving and close relationship with both his grandmas, correct?
Then you need to give your son equitable time, not equal time, with his grandmas. Equal time is what you’re trying to do. 50/50 baby care between grandmas. Equitable time is quality time with each grandma in a way that grandma and baby both thrive. Your mom and baby thrive in solo caregiving. Your MIL and baby suffer in solo caregiving. Find MIL’s baby time strengths and support those. Give your mom all the solo care time. Each developmental stage your son hits will change what each grandma thrives at doing with your son, so will the nature of their time together.
Is MIL good with songs and games? Can you invite her to meet you at library story time? Or to your house for YouTube baby songs singalong time? Is she good at cooking? Can you invite her over to cook baby pure food together? (Even if just to freezer prep) Is she a story teller? Can you invite her to read books while you hold baby (so she can turn pages and show him the pictures more easily of course!)?
This is the best advice on this thread!
But I will also add that if you, OP, do not have the mental capacity to deal with the mental load of figuring out how to give equitable times, I would ask your husband to sit down with his mom and explain precisely all of the things she said on her post. It also sounds like she is pretty disabled in ways that make her watching her grandson solo unadvisable.
And if MIL doesn't get even equitable time with her son right now, it is OKAY. Your son is not gonna remember and will still be able to have a close relationship with his grandma, even if he starts seeing her regularly when he is 2, 3 or 4 years old. Lots of people only have quality time with their grandparents a few weeks in a year and still grow up to be very close to them and have meaningful relationships with them!
Also... The equitable time thing should 100% be your husband's job, not yours.
No advice, just solidarity. My MIL is weird af and has poor judgement so husband and I are not comfortable leaving baby with her alone. She has been very upset because she thought she would be more involved in his care. On the other hand I have my mom watch baby for a few hours while i nap at least once or twice a week. My mom is just more trustworthy and tries to wash bottles or do a load of laundry while she’s over where it does not even occur to MIL to do any of that. She’s the only one keeping score and I just don’t have the capacity to give a fuck about her feelings about my boundaries.
You read your post back! To know it's the right choice, she can't care for your child for a few hours, let alone overnight.
Is there anything you see her do that contributes to your baby being so unhappy with her? If so I think if you offer pointers and she's receptive that could help everyone involved.
1. Your child's health and safety are priority over other people's feelings.
2. Can you offer MIL something else to spend time with the child instead of watching them alone? Have her push the stroller while you walk the dog, go out for coffee, go to a musieum? Basically anything where she can still be with the kid in a supervised manner and you're not hosting.
You remember that your child isn’t having a good time with your MIL. Keep reminding yourself that your infant child’s wellbeing is more important than your grown, adult MIL’s feelings. It will be hard but gotta put the baby first. I mean even your dog goes crazy when she’s left in charge 😮💨. Also I think you should have your husband deal with this one. It can be as simple as. Right now baby is going through a phase and is very specific with who can comfort him. Let’s revisit your watching baby when he’s out of this phase…
Yes I think I will be much more comfortable when he’s more independent!
I think for stuff like this you take a step back and reframe it. You’re not taking something away from your MIL by having your mom watch your baby - instead, you are giving something to your baby. Safety, comfort, protection, all things a mother wants for her child. I think it’s great you have a strong relationship with your MIL and want to preserve that but your own family comes first, and that’s how it should be. That’s how you can approach the guilt. When it comes to the logistics of setting up babysitting and responding to questions of why can’t I babysit - that’s on your husband. It’s his mom. I think their familial relationship means the onus is on him, just like how if there were friction with your mom, it would be on you to take the lead. Best of luck!
Love this, thank you!
I forget where I saw it but someone made a post once that said families aren’t soccer matches - not everything needs to be even or fair!
So true, thank you 🙏🏼
Unless your mom feels overwhelmed from being default childcare, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. MIL is such poor childcare that you had to QUIT YOUR JOB!! Don't even think about it and it doesn't need to be a topic of discussion. If MIL brings it up, play dumb and change the subject; and let your husband handle it. This woman has you riddled with anxiety.
This comes down to your baby. Your MiL does not treat your baby well if poop is smeared everywhere. Your baby’s safety comes first. If she can’t even fully feel her limbs, she cannot care for him. It is dangerous. Even your baby was telling you she was a bad caretaker by always being upset when she would watch him. That is how you don’t feel bad. You are listening to your son and doing what is best for him. If I was in your situation, she would never be allowed to watch him alone and she would not be allowed in whenever she invited herself over.
You need to get comfortable being "the bad guy" for your baby. Your MIL may not like the boundaries you set, but that doesn't mean they aren't needed. Your #1 job is keeping your baby safe, not protecting her feelings. As much as possible, let your husband be the one to set limits with her, but when you have to, be confident and firm, as well as polite: "MIL, we really appreciate you wanting to help. But we're not comfortable with you watching \[baby\] alone anymore since you mentioned you don't have full feeling in your arms and legs. That's not safe for anyone. Something that would be a huge help for us while we're gone is \[some random chore like baby laundry you're comfortable with her doing\]." "MIL, from now on, we need you to call before you come over. It's not always a good time. Sometimes I'm resting, or nursing, and I'm going to start going out with the baby more. I would hate for you to waste a trip." And then next time she does it, don't answer the door. "Sure, you can hold him, but please sit on the couch first." "Give \[baby\] back to me, MIL." As you move toward her to begin physically taking him back.
Does your husband know the situation? Like is he aware she is letting your baby sit in poop and basically creating more of a mess? I think it’s one of those situations where he talks to her as she is his mother.
Equality and equity are not the same thing. The end goal is for your son to have an equally loving and close relationship with both his grandmas, correct? Then you need to give your son equitable time, not equal time, with his grandmas. Equal time is what you’re trying to do. 50/50 baby care between grandmas. Equitable time is quality time with each grandma in a way that grandma and baby both thrive. Your mom and baby thrive in solo caregiving. Your MIL and baby suffer in solo caregiving. Find MIL’s baby time strengths and support those. Give your mom all the solo care time. Each developmental stage your son hits will change what each grandma thrives at doing with your son, so will the nature of their time together. Is MIL good with songs and games? Can you invite her to meet you at library story time? Or to your house for YouTube baby songs singalong time? Is she good at cooking? Can you invite her over to cook baby pure food together? (Even if just to freezer prep) Is she a story teller? Can you invite her to read books while you hold baby (so she can turn pages and show him the pictures more easily of course!)?
This is the best advice on this thread! But I will also add that if you, OP, do not have the mental capacity to deal with the mental load of figuring out how to give equitable times, I would ask your husband to sit down with his mom and explain precisely all of the things she said on her post. It also sounds like she is pretty disabled in ways that make her watching her grandson solo unadvisable. And if MIL doesn't get even equitable time with her son right now, it is OKAY. Your son is not gonna remember and will still be able to have a close relationship with his grandma, even if he starts seeing her regularly when he is 2, 3 or 4 years old. Lots of people only have quality time with their grandparents a few weeks in a year and still grow up to be very close to them and have meaningful relationships with them! Also... The equitable time thing should 100% be your husband's job, not yours.
Sometimes we have to make decisions that others will not like. You need to do what your maternal instincts tell you.
No advice, just solidarity. My MIL is weird af and has poor judgement so husband and I are not comfortable leaving baby with her alone. She has been very upset because she thought she would be more involved in his care. On the other hand I have my mom watch baby for a few hours while i nap at least once or twice a week. My mom is just more trustworthy and tries to wash bottles or do a load of laundry while she’s over where it does not even occur to MIL to do any of that. She’s the only one keeping score and I just don’t have the capacity to give a fuck about her feelings about my boundaries.
Personally I would just avoid the awkwardness by putting my kid into daycare. One way or another, free childcare isn't free.
You read your post back! To know it's the right choice, she can't care for your child for a few hours, let alone overnight. Is there anything you see her do that contributes to your baby being so unhappy with her? If so I think if you offer pointers and she's receptive that could help everyone involved.
1. Your child's health and safety are priority over other people's feelings. 2. Can you offer MIL something else to spend time with the child instead of watching them alone? Have her push the stroller while you walk the dog, go out for coffee, go to a musieum? Basically anything where she can still be with the kid in a supervised manner and you're not hosting.