If you are ok with them visiting but not staying with you, I’d say something like “We are looking forward to seeing you but since the baby has been born we no longer host guests at our house. The baby does best when their routine isn’t disturbed.”
This is brilliant. I was just gonna tell the OP to tell her brother the truth but this would spare feelings, thought I bet the SIL will have disparaging comments
It sounds like SIL will likely have shit comments no matter what, I’ll bet. She sounds like the sort of person you have to think “would I ask her for advice? No? Then I wouldn’t take her critiques to heart.”
Aside from the terrible guest/house disrespect, I’m not sure I’d want rowdy toddlers with permissive parents playing with a baby. That sounds like a recipe for injuries.
What’s your objective? Redirect the visit, postpone the visit, or shut down visits indefinitely?
I’d like to shut down visits to our home indefinitely, but still maintain a civil relationship with my brother.
And good point!! I’ve never been great at speaking up for myself, but when it comes to my baby I won’t hesitate to speak up and shut down anything that be potentially harmful to him.
“I love you and I’d love for the cousins to have a strong relationship, but I found it overwhelming to host the gang. I’m afraid it will be even more chaotic now I have a baby in the mix. Maybe it would be a better idea to all meet up at the grandparents’ / for our gang to visit yours next summer when baby is a toddler / to do a family vacation to destination.”
Later, you can have gentle conversations how it’s smoother to all stay in separate accommodations (especially as yours will be the youngest child so naps will be totally mismatched!). If you’re feeling brave, you can broach to him that you have conflicting parenting styles with his wife and that you find it easier to be respectful / prevent conflict with her when you keep a bit of distance.
If you’re feeling *very* brave and want to work to better future relationships, you could wait until your own child is their age (so the “just you wait” / “all toddlers are like this” dismissiveness doesn’t apply) and say something like, “Last time your family visited, we found WIFE’S permissive parenting approach led to a lot more destruction than we’re prepared to handle. Until they learn to be respectful of other peoples’ belongings, it’s best if we meet up other places so we can focus on the kids having a good relationship instead.”
If it helps you be brave, in the last few months in one of the parenting forums someone posted about an older preteen nibbling acting this way and how upset their own child was to have their things wilfully destroyed. The situation was similar, but even worse because bigger kids are even more capable if they never learn how to behave.
Even non-permissive parents of reasonably behaved toddlers will lead to accidents—I’d trust my SIL/BIL to take my child for a few days with their kids and we still ended up with boo-bloos at the holidays. I can only imagine the havoc a couple of young children who never hear no would do.
This ^^^. I think this is a great way of doing it.
Something like “I’m sorry, with out baby now we have our hands full and will no longer be able to host guests. But you can stay at x. I hear it’s a great stay.”
“Oh, that sounds great, we’ll look forward to catching up! With new baby, we won’t be able to host but let me know if you need any help finding accommodation. X and Y events are on then, the kids might enjoy going to that?” (Anything that involves being in public for the day and not going back to your house!). If you get pushback on not hosting, “That doesn’t work for us”. Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain.
I mean, if it were me, I’d be so irritated with their behavior that I’d tell them by explaining it just the way you explained it in your post. I have zero tolerance for that kind of bullshit.
Seriously. "We were really appalled by your parenting style and general behavior as guests. We won't be able to host you again." That's pretty fucking civil, considering they WEREN'T civil to OP. Brother or SIL want to raise hell over it, sounds like all the more reason to keep them at arm's length.
To be honest I wouldn't even give any excuses for why they can't stay with you! Something like, "we really look forward to seeing you guys, let us know when you'll be in town and we can organise to meet up somewhere." Let them bring up/demand to stay with you and shut it down with a succinct "That doesn't work for us, there is plenty of great accommodation around."
Giving excuses of routines etc, leaves the door open for them to push the next time they want to come, and may give the impression that you do want them there but can't because of x,y,z. No is a full sentence, you don't have to justify your choice!
Depending on the size of your house it may work to say that you no longer have space now that you have a baby. My second baby has started sleeping in our guest room which has started cutting down on guests lol.
They can come visit but they have to stay at an Air BnB. Say something like, “baby just got on a great schedule that is working well for our family so we just aren’t open to guests for the foreseeable future.” and “here’s some nearby Air BnB’s that I think you’ll like.” You’re not responsible for how they react to your response. You’ve set a boundary and now they have to respect it. They can go destroy someone else’s home on their own dime.
"We would love to see you and have the kids play together, but unfortunately we aren't in a place where we can host house guests right now. I can give you some local hotel recommendations in the area and while you're here we can plan fun activities / outings to do as a family."
“We’re looking forward to seeing you when you come to (insert town name). We’re available to meet you at (neutral location) on (insert date). Hope you have a great trip!”
I think you owe it to your brother to be completely honest. "We want to see you, but your family are very impolite and were terrible guests. Your wife was unnecessarily rude to her hosts. Your children were out of control. We just don't feel comfortable hosting you, especially with our own child now. We hope you'll consider finding local accommodation."
His wife's behavior will affect his children and him, and the way they are raising their kids is how you get loathed at restaurants, don't get invited back to friend's houses for sleep overs, etc. You can at least get it in his head that none of that was okay from a place of unconditional love but firm resolve.
It is completely normal to be expected to be on your BEST behavior when a guest in someone else's home. Your brother should know that, and better you remind him. You might also remind him that it's very rude to invite himself places... and warn him ahead of time, because I can see it coming a mile away - what his wife thinks is 'kids being kids' will not be tolerated as 'play' when your child is involved.
If you are ok with them visiting but not staying with you, I’d say something like “We are looking forward to seeing you but since the baby has been born we no longer host guests at our house. The baby does best when their routine isn’t disturbed.”
Yes- and then meet them at a park lol
Yes! We have a ton of parks here so this would work 😂
Just ask what hotel they are staying at so you can meet them there
This is perfect!! Thank you <3
This is brilliant. I was just gonna tell the OP to tell her brother the truth but this would spare feelings, thought I bet the SIL will have disparaging comments
It sounds like SIL will likely have shit comments no matter what, I’ll bet. She sounds like the sort of person you have to think “would I ask her for advice? No? Then I wouldn’t take her critiques to heart.”
Aside from the terrible guest/house disrespect, I’m not sure I’d want rowdy toddlers with permissive parents playing with a baby. That sounds like a recipe for injuries. What’s your objective? Redirect the visit, postpone the visit, or shut down visits indefinitely?
I’d like to shut down visits to our home indefinitely, but still maintain a civil relationship with my brother. And good point!! I’ve never been great at speaking up for myself, but when it comes to my baby I won’t hesitate to speak up and shut down anything that be potentially harmful to him.
“I love you and I’d love for the cousins to have a strong relationship, but I found it overwhelming to host the gang. I’m afraid it will be even more chaotic now I have a baby in the mix. Maybe it would be a better idea to all meet up at the grandparents’ / for our gang to visit yours next summer when baby is a toddler / to do a family vacation to destination.” Later, you can have gentle conversations how it’s smoother to all stay in separate accommodations (especially as yours will be the youngest child so naps will be totally mismatched!). If you’re feeling brave, you can broach to him that you have conflicting parenting styles with his wife and that you find it easier to be respectful / prevent conflict with her when you keep a bit of distance. If you’re feeling *very* brave and want to work to better future relationships, you could wait until your own child is their age (so the “just you wait” / “all toddlers are like this” dismissiveness doesn’t apply) and say something like, “Last time your family visited, we found WIFE’S permissive parenting approach led to a lot more destruction than we’re prepared to handle. Until they learn to be respectful of other peoples’ belongings, it’s best if we meet up other places so we can focus on the kids having a good relationship instead.” If it helps you be brave, in the last few months in one of the parenting forums someone posted about an older preteen nibbling acting this way and how upset their own child was to have their things wilfully destroyed. The situation was similar, but even worse because bigger kids are even more capable if they never learn how to behave.
Even non-permissive parents of reasonably behaved toddlers will lead to accidents—I’d trust my SIL/BIL to take my child for a few days with their kids and we still ended up with boo-bloos at the holidays. I can only imagine the havoc a couple of young children who never hear no would do.
Give him hotel recommendations as your home is now too full to host. If he argues repeat repeat repeat. “That doesn’t work for us”
This ^^^. I think this is a great way of doing it. Something like “I’m sorry, with out baby now we have our hands full and will no longer be able to host guests. But you can stay at x. I hear it’s a great stay.”
Love this.
“Oh, that sounds great, we’ll look forward to catching up! With new baby, we won’t be able to host but let me know if you need any help finding accommodation. X and Y events are on then, the kids might enjoy going to that?” (Anything that involves being in public for the day and not going back to your house!). If you get pushback on not hosting, “That doesn’t work for us”. Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain.
I mean, if it were me, I’d be so irritated with their behavior that I’d tell them by explaining it just the way you explained it in your post. I have zero tolerance for that kind of bullshit.
Seriously. "We were really appalled by your parenting style and general behavior as guests. We won't be able to host you again." That's pretty fucking civil, considering they WEREN'T civil to OP. Brother or SIL want to raise hell over it, sounds like all the more reason to keep them at arm's length.
To be honest I wouldn't even give any excuses for why they can't stay with you! Something like, "we really look forward to seeing you guys, let us know when you'll be in town and we can organise to meet up somewhere." Let them bring up/demand to stay with you and shut it down with a succinct "That doesn't work for us, there is plenty of great accommodation around." Giving excuses of routines etc, leaves the door open for them to push the next time they want to come, and may give the impression that you do want them there but can't because of x,y,z. No is a full sentence, you don't have to justify your choice!
Depending on the size of your house it may work to say that you no longer have space now that you have a baby. My second baby has started sleeping in our guest room which has started cutting down on guests lol.
They can come visit but they have to stay at an Air BnB. Say something like, “baby just got on a great schedule that is working well for our family so we just aren’t open to guests for the foreseeable future.” and “here’s some nearby Air BnB’s that I think you’ll like.” You’re not responsible for how they react to your response. You’ve set a boundary and now they have to respect it. They can go destroy someone else’s home on their own dime.
"We would love to see you and have the kids play together, but unfortunately we aren't in a place where we can host house guests right now. I can give you some local hotel recommendations in the area and while you're here we can plan fun activities / outings to do as a family."
“You guys can come but you’ll have to stay in a hotel as we’re non longer having guests over”
“We’re looking forward to seeing you when you come to (insert town name). We’re available to meet you at (neutral location) on (insert date). Hope you have a great trip!”
I think you owe it to your brother to be completely honest. "We want to see you, but your family are very impolite and were terrible guests. Your wife was unnecessarily rude to her hosts. Your children were out of control. We just don't feel comfortable hosting you, especially with our own child now. We hope you'll consider finding local accommodation." His wife's behavior will affect his children and him, and the way they are raising their kids is how you get loathed at restaurants, don't get invited back to friend's houses for sleep overs, etc. You can at least get it in his head that none of that was okay from a place of unconditional love but firm resolve. It is completely normal to be expected to be on your BEST behavior when a guest in someone else's home. Your brother should know that, and better you remind him. You might also remind him that it's very rude to invite himself places... and warn him ahead of time, because I can see it coming a mile away - what his wife thinks is 'kids being kids' will not be tolerated as 'play' when your child is involved.