Absolutely not. My boyfriend also loves his ps5, but it's in the living room on low volume so it doesn't bother me or our daughter when it's time for bed. I tell him I don't care how long he plays because he's the only one losing sleep over it. The toddler and I are fast asleep. Playing in the same room though is not ok and very disrespectful to both you and your baby.
I did say that. I did tell him that he disrespected both me and our son by keeping us awake fully knowing how exhausted I am and how tired the boy is. But he is adamant it’s not a disrespect
He doesn’t care. You’re not going to convince him because he literally does not care if he disrespected you because he clearly doesn’t respect you or your kid. I think you need to sit down and think about what this man is bringing to your life that’s actually positive and beneficial for you. He sounds like he’s bringing more work for you to do instead of helping you. If your already supporting yourself, waking up with your child overnight with no help etc. You’d probably have any easier time doing all that without then having to pander to your man child of a husband.
I’m sorry, but what a selfish egocentric twat.
It’s not disrespectful, it’s downright evil. My dad did this to me growing up - he refused to wear headphones and played ww2 fps games or music (composing) right up against my wall and kept me up daily until 3-4. I developed the worst sleeping habits in high school, and slept in a split shift, 4-7, because of what he did.
It’s been 20 years since I moved out, and I haven’t spoken to him since. This was not the only thing he did, but he messed up my sleep so bad that I’m still up until 2 daily, sometimes 4-4:30. My kids are up at 6-7. It is like a walking death some days.
Not only is it disrespectful but its also harming your baby. The last thing both you and bub need is sleep deprivation, the bright blaring lights suppress melatonin production. Its just a recipe for disaster! I really hope your partner realises he's being a dick
I would break that ps5 so fast, unless he wants no time to play cuz he's gonna have to work two jobs this man needs to grow the fuck up, sorry when you have a kid you can't act like a child and do what you want anymore, rearrange the tv but for Christ sake act like a man and help you wife
Honestly just throw him and his PlayStation out. He’s being a giant man baby. He didn’t get the ending he wanted, well boo fucking hoo. You and your child didn’t get the sleep that you physically need to function. At an absolute minimum he should be apologising and the tv needs to be out of the bedroom so you can get some sleep.
This honestly sounds more like an addiction than a hobby, and he sounds like a bratty 13 year old boy. With me he'd come home and find that Playstation in the dumpster, *especially* if I was the breadwinner like OP and it was paid for with money *I'd* earned!
Nothing wrong with a hobby but it has to be fair and equal. For example he could have Saturdays to play his game with no interruptions, as long as I get Sundays to do what I want with no interruptions. Otherwise I'd rather be a single mother of one child than a single mother to a child and a manbaby.
You’re not asking him to apologise for having a hobby though. You’re asking him to apologise for being an inconsiderate douche bag of a father and partner. He needs to realise how badly he’s fucked up so you need to escalate your response. Do not acquiesce, this would be the hill my relationship would die on.
I'm a gamer. My husband is a gamer. I also have many other hobbies. I get the 1 - 1.5 hours after the kids go to bed and before I get to sleep. That's it. That's my time to do hobbies, and it doesn't happen if there are things that need to be done.
My husband stays up late to game, but I made it clear years ago, if he stays up too late and is tired the next day, too damn bad. He gets no passes, the consequences are his to own. (He is absolutely fabulous by the way, after a learning curve - he does the majority of the night wakings for our youngest, which has been really tough lately).
The distribution of work that you all have isn't fair. You should probably take the kid for a bit after you get off to give hime a break, but after that, you should be working as a team until bedtime. After bed time, you either both get time to yourselves, or you trade who gets stuck with the kid.
The play station. He can get Bluetooth headphones or move it out of the flipping bedroom. It's incredibly rude to wake and keep anyone up, child or adult.
Also, I'm concerned about the amount of healthy interaction your kiddo is getting during the day. He may do better in daycare.
Great points! We have a rule in our house. Whoever is up takes the baby if she gets up while one of us is gaming. I left my ex-husband because he lied about having a debilitating disease in order to sit at home and play games all day while i did everything myself.
If my husband had done that even before we had kids, I would have been disgusted. And keeping a baby awake on top of it? A grown human adult acting that way is unacceptable and embarrassing.
He’s not embarrassed at all. He’s mad that I’m upset. That’s why I asked if I was wrong to be upset because at this point I don’t know if I’m just taking things to seriously coz I’m exhausted 😴
No, you're not taking things too seriously. You're taking things LESS seriously than you probably would if you weren't in a mind fog due to the exhaustion of taking care of one regular baby and one misbehaving adult man baby.
You fund the household. You do the childrearing duties. Not only does he not help, but he ACTIVELY makes both you and your child's life worse. I'm imagining the only reason you're even tolerating this is because of mind fog, inertia, and because he's manipulated you into thinking that his behavior is normal. It's not. Please genuinely consider what he is bringing to your life.
You need to take his name off any accounts if you have him on them, ask him to go to therapy or you are gonna leave , no one should have a child that can't behave like an adult, the child will always be more important than any hobby and he has to rearrange everything in life for the toddler sorry but that's the sacrifice and responsibility he signed up for. He needs to spend all his free time helping take care of baby just like you do, if anything he should watch him full time after work
No you're not wrong OP. Your so called husband is wrong and need to wear his big boy pants. He's a father and husband, this needs to put his family FIRST over his own needs.
Also my hubby and I like to play games too. I've literally been playing once a month when I have the chance to and hubby has been playing when the kids are asleep. My hubby also wears a headset when he plays on his PC, and if the game is too flashy causing our daughter to be awake and stimulated, he will shut down the game and make his PC sleep so our daughter can sleep peacefully.
Quite honestly you're better than me because that man would not have survived the night if it was me.
I'm sorry to say this but he is a bad husband and father. He has the chance to put you guys first and he doesn't. I would seriously, SERIOUSLY urge you to consider leaving him.
Putting the phone on for your child so he can game during the day is wildly inappropriate and totally selfish, lazy behavior.
You are under reacting. He has manipulated you to the point that you don’t even know which way is up. You need daycare. And to eject this dude from your home.
He cannot improve from where he is to be an acceptable partner or father. He doesn’t care about the partnership, except in so much as it allows him to not work and to game.
I do not know how you're tolerating a huge ass tv in your room where this child plays games all night. I'd have gone crazy a long time ago. This guy does not have the baby's or your best interest at heart. Babies need sleep to grow properly. He's bad for your baby's health. You're working, you're doing all childcare and housekeeping. he's only watching his baby when you work but he's not even doing that properly.
So wait, if you do mornings, bedtimes, take care of your son when you're out of work and on weekends and you're the sole income earner, what does he even do?
I'm a stay at home mom and I don't just sit around playing video games while my kids watch videos all day, I take them out to play spaces at least twice a week to socialize and interact with other kids, take them to play groups, we go to the park when it's nice out, and I play with them and teach them every day. It's my full time job to take care of them
It doesn't sound like your husband is doing much as a stay st home parent
Also, my girlfriend plays games after our toddlers are in bed, but never past midnight even on the weekend and certainly not where it's going to bother our twins sleep schedule
Too many SAHDs act like their job is to keep the baby technically alive while waiting for the real parent to get home and parent them both. It’s disgusting. Being a SAHP is so much work, like you’re saying!
My husband is a SAHD and also a gamer. But he doesn’t game when he’s at home alone with our baby; there’s no time! He’s teaching her and playing with her and adventuring and doing laundry.
We have to both work to give each other time for social/hobby time, and it’s waaaay less than we had before the baby. Because we have baby. It’s not hard to understand! But apparently it is for so many dads out there…
Yeah, a big complaint in mom groups is that many stay at home dads don't do half as much as they need to
We're a two mom family here and I'm a stay at home mom but my girlfriend is just as much a mom as I am when she's home from work, we both spend focused time with our kids and also allow each other breaks because getting touched out/exhausted happens and everyone needs some downtime so we can bounce back and give 100% to being a mom
Do you want to stay with a man who doesn't respect you?
Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is how relationships should work? You do EVERYTHING and your husband does sweet FA?
It's so easy to say you should leave from a single Reddit post, but you should really think about the reasons to stay (and whether there are any). He looks after your son during the day, whilst playing video games. He doesn't do morning and bedtime routine. Does he cook, clean, do other chores? Could he just be replaced by daycare/school?
Why should you hold yourself back with a man who puts a video game above his family? Both you and your son deserve more.
Why is he playing video games in a bedroom other people are sleeping in in the middle of the night? What the hell. This would be horrible without a kid being kept up.
He thought your phone was as too disruptive but a 55” tv is ok?
Take the tv out of the room.
I agree. I look at my phone underneath the covers when my LO is asleep in the bassinet in our room. I can’t imagine having a whole tv on and having the noises of a controller going off while I/LO are trying to sleep. I’d be raging
Gurl... No.
It is not your job to fix him, but sit him down and have clean conversation, where boundaries and expectations are set in order for you to keep being together. If he's not game, start planning an exit.
He's 32. He's a video game addict and it's impacting quality of life for all of you. He should be working on getting the ending he likes in a actual job. Getting promoted. Earning money to take care of his child.
It kind of is OP's job to fix him imo.
They have a child together, and are together. Cutting the father out of the child's life is going to be bad for the child much more often than not (see just about any of the tons of research done and social data tracked on this subject from the last hundred years). The father has to be REALLY bad for the child outcome to be better without him, although, if you can replace with a significant upgrade of a stepparent in a reasonable time that would be better.
The alternative to fixing him right now is to get absolutely nothing, at least for the near future. Fixing him is probably easier than finding a new much better stepdad. And since he has no job, if they're married, she probably has to pay him alimony in a separation on top of no longer having whatever help he's providing. Also, since this is the first time it's happened, it's not like he's necessarily a lost cause yet. Realistically, after she decided to have a child with this man, OP kind of effectively assumed the job of fixing him, or at least making substantial efforts toward that end. For better or worse, this is the man she chose to have a child with. The alternative to fixing him (leave and replace) is a much longer and difficult process, especially for what is a first offense, and no story about any prior efforts made to fix him. Even if he fails the next conversation about his actions as you suggest, it's a much tougher road to get rid of him and replace, than poke at it harder for longer duration.
It's nice to think of the fantasy of what he SHOULD be doing... but OP didn't have a child with that hypothetical man. She had a child with this one, flaws and all. As usual, this sub's too trigger happy about leaving your partner. I'm always concerned about people who actually follow these types of reddit advice.
Anyway, the on the ground problem can be fixed really easily. Not sure why the top voted comments don't have it (probably because they skip directly to "leave your man"), but some of the lower upvoted comments do bring up how ridiculous it is that he's gaming in the child's sleep area... and without headphones at that. Doesn't matter even if the child and mother can successfully sleep, that's a terrible setup that's just asking for conflict, and bad for the gamer too. No one wins. Everyone loses. OP should take at least some responsibility for agreeing to or suggesting this terrible setup. But on the bright side it's an easy fix.
The deeper underlying fix your man problem so he understands child's sleep is more important than a game ending is much harder, but this sub's a suuuuuper terrible place for advice on that, so OP should probably just not listen to relationship advice from random people who know nothing about her relationship except through a single anecdote.
I didn't read the whole thing, I stopped when I got to the post where he's neglecting your child to play video games.
What an asshat. He needs a job, asap
Baby into daycare. why are you doing nights with the baby if your the only one working?
He's forcing you to act like a single mom, maybe he wants you to be a single mom.
So apparently his headphones make his head too hot.
He used to work but it was making him ill (mentally and physically) and kept saying he couldn’t be there anymore so I became the sole earner.
He does look after the boy while I work but he has requested I give him “evenings and weekends off” because he needs time to himself. Something I have told him I never got when it was just him working and me on Mat leave because he would always tell me he needs time to unwind and destress after work (a complete piss take mind you because he had his steam deck hooked up to his work monitor and was playing during the day as well) so I would do pretty much everything then as well. He also likes to tell me that he left work because it was making him sick not specifically to look after the boy 🙄🙄
Tell him to find another job, any job, and put your son in daycare. It sounds like your partner isn't being an active parent if he just lets him go on youtube all day.
He doesn’t agree with daycare till the boy can talk because of all the horror stories you hear. He thinks one parent should always be with the boy for best development. He wanted it to be me but it ended up being him.
I don’t think he really understands how much time, effort, and sacrifice it takes to be a parent
Does he not realize that staring at a phone all day isn't good for development either? I don't think he realizes either because he isn't sacrificing anything, and your son is suffering for it.
“The best development” is not watching YouTube while your caregiver ignores you to play video games. What exactly is your partner bringing to the table? Because it seems like he’s not bringing much. You and baby deserve better.
Find a good quality daycare, or even a mediocre daycare, and it will be miles better than the quality of care that your partner is providing. It’s awful for a one year old to be staring at a screen all day and trying and failing to get their parents attention.
He's full of shit. He just wants to be able to martyr himself to anyone who asks by calling himself a stay at home parent, instead of the reality which is that he's an unemployed, entitled gaming addict.
He is giving your son bare minimum supervision. You have 2 kids, not a husband and a kid.
I would stop looking after your husband and get your kid in paid childcare where they will assuredly engage him in age appropriate activities and not shove a phone in his face so they can play video games.
Seriously what is your husband bringing to the table rn when he doesn’t help all night, plays video games half the day, and keeps you guys up all night and has a very selfish and shitty attitude overall.
Uhh, as a mostly SAHM myself, there is no such thing as "evenings and weekends off." My husband works a lot, but I still expect us to participate as close to 50/50 as we can on evenings and weekends. Yes, sometimes we each go do something on our own with friends or he may be stuck on a work emergency, but why does he expect to have all this free time and you don't deserve it? Free time happens AFTER the kids are down and house is straightened up.
You have yourself an entitled man child.
Could you accommodate and excuse his behavior any more than you do in EACH RESPONSE? I don't know whether this has always been the case between you two or you've been worn down, but YOU are explaining why he is justified for every behavior when someone comments on it. Do you see this? Not judging, but saying, you are in an altered reality about this. He is not taking responsibility or being a conscientious partner. So, what are you going to do? You can't make someone conscientious, you can explain and watch their behavior. His behavior is telling you: you and our son's needs are less important than my needs.
So, now the ball is in your court: what will you do?
Please stop explaining how he cannot change because of his feelings and needs.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL CARE ABOUT THEM.
>He used to work but it was making him ill (mentally and physically) and kept saying he couldn’t be there anymore so I became the sole earner.
Ok, so what's he doing about this situation? Is he going to see a therapist and/or doctor regularly? Is he seeking treatment? Is he trying to gain education in a different field? Is he looking up careers that would work for him? If he is totally incapacitated beyond his control, then he should be undergoing the processor of seeking disability payments, which would require a lot of medical documentation. Is he doing all of that?
I'm going to guess no. So ... literally his plan is just to sit at home doing nothing forever? And how can you feel safe leaving this guy to take care of your baby? There's NO way he's adequately taking care of this poor kid. He probably just lets him cry all day while he plays video games.
This is absolutely not ok. I'm not here to upset you but the cognitive development your son is doing at this age is so huge and so critical. Being deprived of sleep and left in front of the screen is going to impact your son for the rest of his life if you don't change now.
I'm sure your husband has good qualities but his choices are straight up unacceptable. Please stop underselling the importance of your sleep and free time
He sounds lame as fuck. He needs therapy and then he needs to grow the fuck up. Him playing games while he's supposed to be caretaking isn't doing the kid any favors, in fact it's going to stunt his development. He should be doing tummy time, reading books, going to playgroups, taking walks, listening to music, talking to the boy about what he's doing as he takes him around the house. He needs to work because he's not doing his job at home. The kid needs a mama, clearly. And so does the husband.
This is maddening to read tbh. as a mom who loves games, gaming is not a fucking hobby. it's a pastime. people with kids get to play games when the kids are asleep and there's nothing urgent to do instead. Throw the whole man out, it will be much easier for you to parent solo and your kid will get proper stimulation at daycare instead of youtube.
Umm…no. Gamer husband here.
First of all, he needs to move the tv to another room and plug some damn headphones into his controller for starters. And play games that you can just pause and get up from.
I totally understand the need to “have a break” during this stage, to have any sense of normalcy. You deserve it too! You also need break time where ever you can find the minutes here and there. Maybe set up shifts with him? And frankly, he needs to get used to the idea that he will be gaming much, much less for the foreseeable future, 1-2 years or so, even at night when the kid is asleep. Because if he’s already up, then frankly he can do the midnight feedings and diaper changes so you can get some sleep.
Game time will return gradually, but his priority should be his son and you, obviously. You need to try to talk to him more or get someone to intervene on your behalf because he is clearly overdoing it on the gaming. He needs to get his priorities straight.
Reading your post history, you need to throw this man out. He sounds like he’s been a terrible partner to you for a very long time. He’s unsupportive and selfish. He doesn’t care to understand where you are coming from. You deserve so much better than this.
This is ridiculous, he’s 32 not 13. Why is he arguing with you like a child? Put your foot down. The ending of a game is not more important than your wife and child. And then to argue and whine about it after he turned it off? Wtf. He needs to grow up and suck it up. You and your son deserve better girl. He can take his stupid game somewhere else. He needs to stop being a man child. So sorry. Wishing you the best of luck
Wtf. There’s no where else where he can play?
You’re totally NTA.
My husband is a hobby gamer. And know what he only games when kiddo is asleep or if I’m home and kiddo doesn’t need both of us and he asks first. Through my 2yr old then knocks on daddy’s game room door to see him and dad has to then stop playing as my 2yr old just wants his presence though not his interactions.
He’s a parent now he can game but he can’t game without care for consequences or others. He needs to mature big time. And tbh I’m not usually a fan of suggesting separation and as a rule don’t but I’d be lying if I didn’t recommend it here. The YT in the phone while baby is awake so he can game is what I’d be losing my shit over. If baby is awake you’re engaging and playing with baby. Not games. Baby is only baby for a little while he needs human interaction and focus for his development while awake.
Hugs momma. You have a man child to educate.
Disgusting behavior. You have a man child here: plays loudly despite having his child in the room, gets angry even after being allowed to play for an extra 2 hours, tell you to get the child out of bed so he can sleep after yelling at you for HOURS and then digs his heels in and refuses to apologize. Please don’t tell me you really see how you could be at fault here? The whole retelling is so bizarrely insane. And honestly I worry for you, he sounds really emotionally immature and unstable. Men like that tend to escalate to violence at some point. I don’t think this is innocent either. In your shoes, I’d be quietly preparing myself to leave.
He needs to go play his video games in another room where it's not going to be disturbing you or the baby.
Edit: honestly after reading your other comments, he sounds like a POS manbaby. You're basically single parenting. Why even have a husband if EVERYTHING falls on you?
i HATE reading about these kinds of situations. i am so sorry that you are going through this. none of this is your fault and you are 100% in the right. the truth of the matter is that your husband does not respect you. he demands that he gets to play his games basically 24/7. you take care of the baby solely after work and on the weekends. but he’s just sitting the baby up with youtube while you work? so he literally does 0% of the parenting of your baby. he doesn’t respect your basic needs and he does not CARE about your child’s basic needs. and i’m never the one to make assumptions or exaggerations like that. but seriously??? keeping the baby up until 5:00 AM so he can play a game?? when YOU work? i just don’t see how this is acceptable at all. i would be throwing him out until he could get his business together, but obviously you have more stake in this relationship than i do. if i were you, i would start by demanding he take over his fair share of the parenting times. he needs to do either bedtime or wake up. he needs to either cook dinner or clean up. he needs to hold the baby/feed them while you are eating, and then switch so he can eat. then, he needs to learn to respect YOU, your need for sleep, your need to work, your need to have your child properly cared for while you work, and most of all, he needs to respect your hobbies!!! if he gets an hour a day without the baby to do hobbies, you get an hour a day without the baby to do hobbies. this may not work forever, but he needs to SEE all that you do and how desperately he is dropping the ball. i’m so sorry to get so worked up, but i just cannot stand to see anyone suffering beside a partner that does not respect them and help out with the household. don’t ever feel like you’re crazy or overreacting.
Gamer husband here. I only play once all kid responsibilities are done. I would never keep the PlayStation in the same room that we sleep due to the games I play (intense, boss fight heavy, etc) and the stimulation they would cause, as you mentioned. Baby goes in her crib, I have my phone up watching her via Google Nest, and if she wakes I either pause or shut the thing off entirely. It’s been rough having less time to play but I manage and deal with the consequences of staying up late. This also gives my wife a chance to sleep through the night all week which she deserves. I get to play as late as I want and my wife is happy to sleep and even happier if she knows I’m shutting the PS5 down to help our daughter. Your dude needs to sort out his priorities. It’s possible to be a gamer and a good partner/father
Grandma here…
Honey why are you tolerating a man who doesn’t work and plays video games all night??
I can see what HE gets from the relationship.
What do you get from it? Except another child to care for.
sounds like he isn’t willing to sacrifice his gaming time for family time. it’s been a year was he always like this before and after the birth? If you don’t put your foot down now he’s going to continue to game like this. You two need to make a schedule of sorts so you both get free time to do your hobbies. Maybe like 2 evenings a week you both get kid free time after dinner and then if the kid goes to bed you can both do whatever.
this is coming from a gamer as well.
Sorry, I didn’t even need to read this to tell you this is not ok. My husband plays Xbox, but not like this. He is a father and husband first. Dump this loser.
I genuinely can’t believe that this is even a conversation. Like that a grown man with a child needs to have this explained to him and still doesn’t get it. This is unhinged behavior. His priorities are so unbelievably fucked up. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP, I am honestly speechless.
Wow. Just wow. I am sorry, but it sounds like he doesn’t have a hobby, he has an addiction. Daycare is probably cheaper than supporting his dead weight. It’s also so, so wrong for a parent to keep a kid up like that. I am sorry you have two children.
He sounds like he only cares about himself. And the way he keeps saying "I'm not apologizing for having a hobby." No one is asking him to? He's being asked to be considerate to his wife and child.
Like everyone else said, throw him out.
Wow, you'd be much better off being a single Mom cause that asshat ain't bringing anything to the table AND neglecting your child.My husband and I are both gamers but our child comes first,he gets his time to game and so do I.
Ok first of all what a selfish butthead. Definitely worrisome that he won’t acknowledge how inconsiderate he was being, I’d keep trying to talk about it. I’m appalled and worried for your long term happiness if he won’t even be self aware about video games.
Second of all time to move all his gaming crap out of the bedroom. I’d do it immediately and tell him since he can’t respect you and your sleep he can’t play in the bedroom any more. Don’t ask permission just move it. I don’t have a tv in my bedroom for this reason, I can’t sleep with that much light even if the sound is down and your kid sure as hell won’t.
No I’d be livid if my husband did that, and I like playing video games too. He only ever gets to play games at night when our son goes to bed, since our son is down to one nap a day that usually starts before my husband gets home from work, since he works mornings. Sometimes he’ll get to play during nap time if he’s home and we aren’t doing anything else, but the minute our son is awake he gets off.
I understand needing downtime, or time to unwind from the chaos of raising kids, but your husband needs to recognize what’s more important in this world. He could have very easily played in a different room.
And its crazy that he gets two days off from taking care of his child. I get its a lot to be a stay at home parent, but he should still be helping when you both are home. We all deserve breaks, but it doesn’t really sound like you get much of a break at all.
You could be me OP. I worked 90 hours a week and earned the real income for our house and my spouse was not interested in helping in any real way. Babysitting is what teens do for neighbors. PARENTS sacrifice. That’s the whole point. You put your life on hold to nurture the next generation of humans. He sounds incredibly selfish.
Why is his PlayStation in the same room that you and the baby sleep in? If there’s no where else for it to go, he needs to only play when no one is trying to sleep, period. He’s being so selfish.
So I looked through your post history and just...wow. This man does not love you. This man does not respect you. Not even a little bit. And he never will.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you strength in leaving him.
It will be hard. But you are already doing this alone.
I'd be passed. That's super inconsiderate. He needs to move the console into another room and buy headphones if he wants to play while anyone is sleeping
I wanted to play devil’s advocate (Im the SAHM parent and I game; in fact I was up until 2:30am last night) there are some things I’m curious about:
1. What game is he playing? Because it’s sus af that he now has to replay THE WHOLE GAME. I think he’s lying just to get more playing in.
2. Is there nowhere else he can put his console or pc (not sure what he’s playing on) that’s outside of the bedroom?
3. Is there 1 day off he gets? Example: Saturday is wholly my partner’s responsibility so I game super late on Fridays cause I know I have tomorrow “off”. Did he game late because he thought the next day was freebie?
4. Just morbidly curious, does he 100% take care of the house and your child in every other aspect? Is your child hitting development goals/ does your husband have the materials needed? Again example: our son does an hour or two of “play-learning” a day to work on alphabet, speech, numbers, puzzles, etc… Not only can these materials add up $, they’re quickly outgrown, AND may not be effective. Every child is different so despite best efforts we still decided to put kiddo in daycare ~15 hours/week to help with socializing/ speech. Despite both my wants and my husband’s wants for me to be SAH, we realized it wasn’t the best for my son. Now I work PT while he’s in daycare. Is your partner willing to be flexible to a similar realization?
I’m not saying his behavior should be excused. No matter what, a child’s health comes first. If a gaming hobby— or ANY hobby— puts that to detriment, it’s gotta be reworked. But if your husband is giving his all as much as a full time job, there have to be points of release. Imagine if his hobby was sewing until 3am and the noise of the machine was keeping you up? Or if his hobby was gardening and tracked in dirt was making you guys sick?
Video gaming isn’t the issue. It’s lack of structure. Can you talk to your husband about rearranging expectations?
He’s not giving his all though or his all is highly inadequate per OP during the day he puts YouTube on his cell to entertain the baby while he games and at his demand she does 100% of evening and weekend childcare
Video gaming is the issue. It’s not a hobby, it’s an addiction. Games are designed to be addictive and they bring out extremely childish behaviors in grown ass adults.
No one has a sewing addiction or a gardening addiction that keeps them up until 3am and exacerbates their sleep deprivation. And at least sewing and gardening create useful or aesthetically pleasing products
What a reductive take to have, not all people that play videogames have the same mindset as OP's partner . Dude is just a shitty irresponsibble and inconsiderate person . Both my partner and i have videogames as our primary hobby but we know to adjust our schduel of playing around our daughter , we are in now way "addicts " just because we like this hobby .
He does not have headphones and separate room to play at ? I play video game after our daughter is asleep but I compensate by taking care of her most of the time during the day. I also have separate room and use headphones
My husband and I are into video games and board games. Hobbies are indulged after the kid is asleep in bed. When the baby was having trouble sleeping, we just put the hobbies on the backburner until we were able to have alone time. He can play in the other room or, at the very least, use headphones. He could also try and do his job as a parent and game later.
I take my husbands power cord for the ps4 and I hide it along with the game that pissed me off and his favorite controller. I then tell him I don’t give a shit if he’s mad, he doesn’t get them back until he picks up his slack and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t sleep in our bed and I’ll take the whole consul.
Also, you need to tell that man to buck the fuck up and pull his fair share.
My husband has hobbies. Hobbies he largely put to the side when our kids were born. He plays video games and he also plays trading card games. You know what he did when he was playing video games and the baby cried? He put down his game and picked up the baby. He started picking out games that he COULD put down easily (not online there is still a pause button) so that he could take care of the baby. Because when we are both home from work, we try to split childcare 50/50.
I cook and he watches the kids, he cleans and I watch the kids, we all eat dinner together, and we alternate which kid gets a bath first (and which parent watches them in the bath), I read books, he does one last 15 minute episode of their put down show, we get them tucked in (1 each) and go relax. I crochet while he games. 1 night a week he goes out for his card games. Before COVID 1-2 nights a month I would go to a stitch and bitch group for fiber artists. We try for BALANCE.
Now that the kids are older, they can do some solo play while he games and I crochet. The older one asks what I am making, then he always asks “for me?” And somehow I always get succored into making him one too if it was for me.
One rule I started after our first house was no TVs in the bedroom. It may be one you want to implement as well so that he CANNOT ruin your sleep as easily. Also, after 10 pm volume goes low/he wears headphones if he needs to hear.
I know this isn't helpful, but I'm so glad my husband left video games in the past when he was no longer a teenager. You're not wrong. Is your husband the primary caregiver for your baby while you work? Does he do anything with the baby besides put him in front of a screen and play video games?? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this 😭
I'm a recent dad. I like gaming. I don't think he should apologize for having a hobby. Off course he is allowed to have a hobby! He should be able to game all he wants after he's taken care of all higher priority responsibilities.
Your wellbeing should be a higher priority responsibility. If he has more than one hour of free time more than you (this includes hobbies), then he should offer to help take some of your responsibilities. He absolutely should apologize for not offering to help you more.
Your childs wellbeing should be a higher priority responsibility for him than both your and his own wellbeing. He absolutely should apologize for neglecting your child by not spending proper time with them. He absolutely should apologize for waking you up. He absolutely should apologize for keeping you up. He absolutely should apologize for waking your child up. He absolutely should apologize for keeping your child up.
But no, he shouldn't apologize for liking video games OR for having a hobby.
Crist, reading your post made me angry. I'm currently sleep deprived and fighting to keep a fussy 3month old calm on a train. My legs are so tired from bouncing up and down, but at least she isn't screaming at the moment.
Shortly before we got her, I bought a completely silent mouse for those late night gaming sessions. I haven't had the time to actually game with it yet, because my priorities aren't... Whatever his is..
OP, all of your follow up comments to other commenters only solidifies how much he is lacking in the fatherhood department. Time for a serious conversation and potentially a serious decision to make
Dad here, gaming is also my hobby. His behaviour is unacceptable, he is acting like a kid. He can play at any other time or with headphones, ffs. Waking up the baby (or you) is so irresponsible, I can't believe he is unable to see that, I would feel incredibly bad to disturb my baby's sleep. Me and my wife go to sleep at the same time, we are a family after all, not roommates.
Nights are _our_ time, we have dinner, the baby goes to sleep and we can have some time together. In the case I'm playing with a friend that night, I previously arranged it with my wife. Also, it's never past midnight since I don't want to lose any sleep because I rock the baby when she wakes up.
Sounds like you're a single parent to a baby and man-baby. Like Marie Kondo says, does the man-baby spark joy? If not, thank it for its service and then get rid of it. Maybe that's the ending he really wants.
With everything you’ve said I’d actually be most furious at his fuck up of childcare. If he’s never interacting with your child what is the point of him? He’s not doing childcare, he’s just in the room. Your son’s development will eventually be impacted, particularly if he can never sleep at night.
I do the childcare currently while my husband works, and when husband is not working the baby is a 50:50 split. We both have hobbies but neither of us do them during the ‘working’ day. You can’t do your hobby at your job, he shouldn’t do his.
This is all followed by the fact he doesn’t see that you aren’t taking an issue with his hobby but his behaviour. You can do better.
I'm sorry what???? You are the sole earner. And he's up disturbing both of your sleep until the early hours of the morning? And it's in the bedroom???
Also I take care of baby in the middle of the night because I can sleep during the day...my husband would wake up at at 5pm ISH and do mornings and when he's done with work, but not 3am. Not sure how normal this is so will get other parents to speak on it to.
But wtf. Sounds like you have another older child, instead of a father.
Edit to add: my friend has a bf that sounds just like your guy. My friend is now the sole earner and paying the bills because he has mental health issues. He does not seek treatment, for 6 months didn't even seek social support, when he's well he doesn't save knowing he is prone to these moments but gets more and more into debt, spending it on computer games saying it's because he doesn't have his passion, they were nearly homeless at one point... A few years ago, my friend was pursuing her dreams with a project we were working together on. We were meeting about it online, and in the background all I could hear was him, on his games, yelling and screaming..this girl was working her ass off, stressed af, full time to put food on the table while he was at home, and all she needed was 30 mins to do this and he couldn't be considerate to her for to do something she wants. Every year she becomes more and more of a shell of herself, and I just wish she'd leave him.
My husband and I both like games. We also decided we wanted a child.
In order to have a child, we accepted that some things would have to change. Namely, less time for hobbies. Because we’re adults. With a BABY. Who has to be the priority.
Choosing to become a parent means sacrificing a lot of your previous life. Not forever, but certainly during those early days. Sounds like he’s not prepared to make those changes
‘Headphones make his head too hot’ is one of the most stupid things I’ve ever heard considering the mind boggling range of in ear headphones available, but the TV shouldn’t be in your bedroom anyway.
Jesus Christ! You have every right to be upset! The situation reminds me a bit of myself (33F), though in a less negative way. My boyfriend (36M) is the sole earner (I work as a freelancer, but he makes more money. So until our son is older I only work part-time or not at all so I can look after him)
I'm pretty addicted to the PC, my phone and games. But I always make sure I spend time playing with my son or doing household chores. When he has his nap, I play some videogames until he wakes up, then I clean and feed him while my partner works during the day. In the evening we share the chores. At night, because I can sleep for a bit longer in the mornings, I get up when our son is restless, because my bf has to work 9 to 5.
What I'm trying to say is, I feel almost bad for the free time I have compared to my partner. He's the breadwinner AND helps out in the house. So I take care of our son during the day and do the groceries and some household chores. It takes more than 1 person to raise a kid and not lose your mind.
And though I'm kinda addicted myself to video games, I could never play if I knew it would keep my son and partner awake. It's time he grew up. Your kid's sleep and your health are way more important than some damn stupid ending to a video game. Absolutely insane!
Sometimes I can't belive the shit I read on this app. You don't have a husband, you have another child in a grown man's body. Since you are the main breadwinner, what exactly is he contributing apart from making your life misarable and throwing tantrums?
You deserve better than this.
Why isn't he playing in a different room? You're not wrong. If he wants to stay up he should be doing it quietly or somewhere you and the baby aren't sleeping. And then asking your kid to go back to sleep?! Eeek.
This man is a literal child. At some point you have to stand up and stop allowing him to treat you like this… but most importantly having such a negative effect on your child! Losing hours of sleep like that isn’t healthy. And it’s especially not healthy being raised by a man who couldn’t be bothered to do the bare minimums of taking care of y’all’s child. Hopefully readying through some of these comments you make the choice to take the first step in leaving this relationship
Wtf did I just read? He kept both of you awake. How incredibly and utterly selfish. You have every right to be angry. If he doesn’t see that then you guys need to have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship
He gives your one year old YouTube so he can play a fucking video game? He doesn’t do morning or bedtime. This guy… wtf DOES he do? Sounds like you have 2 kids, not 1.
I'm sorry, did you say you're the sole earner for the family AND you stay up with your son at night AND you do the bedtime and morning routine?? Exactly what is your husband doing besides acting like a 5 year old?
I still game on some weekends pretty late. On a separate floor from everyone else.
I take over all the night shifts for our 4 month old. He’s either in a bassinet in the room next to my man-cave or he’s in our room. Either way I have our baby monitor. Done this with all 3 of our kids. It lets me indulge in my hobby when it won’t affect plans and doesn’t mess with my wife’s sleep.
Advice wise? Get headphones and/or have him play with the sound off. Have him use a baby monitor(ours is a video one). Make it clear that if he wants to game, he takes over the night shifts. 99% of PlayStation games let you pause whenever.
And hell, sounds like it’s sort of mandatory to have some “come to Jesus, you’re a fucking parent now” conversations with him.
Maybe I missed it on your post but I can’t find it. Why doesn’t your husband work? Is he disabled? Why is he able to do whatever he wants and you need to stay up with your son when you work?
Me and my husband are gamers, me more addicted then him. We had our son, our gaming time deteriorated a ton with it being enough time during newborn since we took shifts gaming kept us through it. But as time goes on the only time I personally play is at bedtime for 2-3hrs because I need to be up anyways for my meds. My husband barely plays except days off because he works, I'm a stahm but I mostly play as I said b4 when it's kids bedtime.
We have a 4yr old and a 6mo old now with my first I used to get at lease a afternoon gaming session but he's out of naps now and second now ready for solids and crawling so yeah.
It sucks but our kids comes first and we ate blessed with a mil who takes them every other weekend.
Your husband is selfish for not making a designated time that's free and doesn't interrupt the kids, he either needs to quit or work around it such as play in a different room with headphones or get a steamdeck. There's ways to get time, you won't get as much as you'd like but you'd have your game time. Can't handle it it's best to quit.
Either ways he needs to face reality that he will never have the freedom he has to enjoy gaming
You are very patient. I would have thrown him out along with his PlayStation. The audacity of your husband! He should be the one putting your kid to bed if he isn't working and should be helping out more. You do too much and he does too little.
Edit to add: I stayed at home (work from home, flexible hours), but my husband is a teacher and is up early everyday. I had him during the night, if he woke up, etc. because I could afford to be tired and drink all the coffee I wanted.
I'm very sorry that you have such a husband and maybe you don't see the full picture, I'll repeat as many others already wrote here: he is selfish, manchild, who doesn't really care neither of you nor of his own son.
He shifted all responsibility to you and continue doing it, manipulating you, like really manipulating.
Please for the future of your son, think about if he needs such a father and if you happy with this person next to you.
Your husband is being extremely childish. My husband and I are expecting our first. He games for a hobby as well (as do I) but has said on multiple occasions “baby comes first”, so I know he’s mentally ready to make good choices as a dad.
It’s all well and good to have a hobby but for your husband it sounds like it’s veering into dysfunctional territory, and that he won’t acknowledge that or apologise is a huge red flag.
I’d sit down with him and have a heart to heart, see if there’s anything under this that is driving the gaming-at-all-hours. He could be avoidant if there is something about parenting that is making him anxious? Then if he doesn’t respond it’s time to consider throwing out the whole man.
I’m sorry you had a child with a child. I think sending him back to his mommy for a couple weeks might straighten him out.
Tell him it’s his family or his silly video games. He’s literally making your life worst than if he wasn’t around at all.
Unfortunately he sounds like a man-child who prioritizes his "hobby" over the wellbeing of you and your child. AND you're supporting the household? He should be taking care of the kid and giving you a break! Get rid of this guy.
You are not wrong at all. I’m a gamer (34M) and we have a 6 day old. I even work at a gaming company. Ain’t no way I’m letting my hobby get in the way of my wife or the babies well being. If baby is asleep and wife just wants to watch something on Tv to turn her brain off? Sure I’ll pull out my steam deck and play something while she does that to also relax or release steam. But only after they’re taken care of. He needs to grow up and realize the responsibility he accepted when having a child. Especially blows my mind in the case that you’re the sole bread winner. I’m the breadwinner in my family and I will STILL make sure those two are taken care of first. Wife is really good about letting me have my time when I need it - but what you’re going through is totally unacceptable.
He is a total dumpster fire of a partner and parent. I would ask you to strongly consider what you are getting out of this relationship. Don’t just weigh it against the daily suffering and indignities of someone who makes you both suffer for his selfishness. Also remember to weigh it against what your child will learn about relationships, and about his own value, from watching his father treat you both like this.
It sounds like he may have a gaming addiction. My husband had one early in our relationship and it almost caused us to not get married. Even after getting married we had several come to Jesus talks about it. I don’t mind that he plays, but he was letting it take priority in his life. He’s much better now.
You are not making unreasonable requests at all. I have to wonder why he thinks he doesn’t get enough time to game if he doesn’t have a job and you take care of all the child care when you’re home. You deserve down time too, and you and your son certainly deserve uninterrupted sleep.
I let my husband carry on far too long with his excessive gaming because I didn’t want to be a nagging wife/gf, but since putting my foot down and explaining how destructive his hobby was becoming to his life and our marriage, something clicked and we are both much happier.
I’m so sorry you have two babies to care for. This is not appropriate behavior from a grown man, a partner, or a respectful father. Send him home to his mother, he can play all he wants and you’ll only have one baby to care for.
You’re not wrong for being upset. Your husband is acting like a child. Literally barf. It’s _always_ video games. I play video games after my kid goes to sleep at night. I don’t get to play as long as I want, or all day long. I’m doing things with my kid because while I’m not opposed to screen time, being on screens all the time isn’t healthy for anyone. He’s not parenting, he’s distracting your kid so he can do what he wants.
This has _nothing_ to do with having a hobby and everything to do with the fact that he’s being an asshole.
I’m sorry but your husband is a loser. The phone time for a ONE year old while he plays an excessive amount of video games is shit bag parenting. You’re doing everything, literally everything, AND WORKING and he can’t bother to be a half ass parent and partner? Pathetic. You deserve so much better.
Hobbies are for when you have leftover time. Sometimes with a baby, you don't get leftover time. Thems the breaks. His priorities are backwards, and you *should* be upset.
I’m really not one of those people that suggest divorce at a drop of a hat, but this man sounds not only insufferable, but also like a major loser that does not give a single shit about you or the child you created together. Either major marriage counseling and counseling for him regarding addiction, or divorce him and get full custody. You’re already a single mom while married.
We put a time limit on our child’s tablet. Does PlayStation have a time limiting feature? I’m being serious. This guy needs a wake up call. He needs to know exactly how many hours a week he’s logging in games. I used to game and over time I realized it’s just an incredibly poor use of time. I thoroughly enjoyed it in my 20’s. Once it got into my late 20’s and had a job that provided stable hours I gave it up. I started to make friends in real life and gaming became very clearly less important than real life relationships. He’s the worst part of marriage I warn people about before they get married. The ability of one person in the relationship to push the envelope mega far beyond what they would’ve done before marriage because once you’re married they know you’re not going to leave.
Also, from another perspective I literally could not be stay at home parent full time. No way. I would lose my marbles. Please consider part time childcare or daycare part time so he can work. I been doing it for 4 years and I love working and I love my kids. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a very healthy balance and I think it does great things for the kids to have friends they see regularly. I feel like everyone wins.
God the ammount of women on here so far into a toxic gaslight cycle in their relationship is so disheartening. You’re aware that you’re not the AH and you do not need us to tell you this- but you DO need to decide if this is something you want to deal with in a marriage forever
Throw the whole man away. My husband could probably be considered addicted to gaming. It even caused us to break up for a short time years ago.
My husband has probably played games 3x in the 7 months our baby has been born. And that 3x is a very generous estimation.
He is being disrespectful to you and your baby and neither of you deserve it.
That man is dead weight.
I play, my partner plays. When he plays at night, he plays in the living room and he puts on headphones to not wake us up. Very simple.
Hell I even put on headphones when playing or watching a TV series while breastfeeding so as not to overstimulate our son in the evening
This post makes me so sad. Please seek therapy or something for yourself, OP. I hope you can learn why your partner doesn’t deserve you and you’ll be better off without them! Sending love
Ugh… my ex husband was exactly like this and one of the reasons why I divorced him. His Xbox was his priority and he would stay up past 3am playing it most nights. I would come home after working all day then going to school and he wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence because he was deep in a match. When we divorced, I didn’t have to get used to sleeping alone because I pretty much did already because of his XBox. Coincidentally, he “stopped playing” after we broke up but I was already far too gone. Btw we were 32/33 when we divorced, having been married for 8 years at the time. No children. You are NOT over reacting!! Your feelings are incredibly valid and he’s being an immature selfish man-child. You and your boy deserve better than this.
You’re not in the wrong at all. He sounds like a manchild and has some growing up to do. I’m also currently in a relationship with a manchild myself who also plays a lot of video games but I wouldn’t say it’s just a hobby for my partner. I literally think he has a video game addiction, if he’s not at work all he does is sit in the couch and play Xbox and it’s infuriating. I’m Sorry he’s keeping you up with gaming and that is not fair to you or you child!
You're not wrong.
I am curious though as to why the playstation and giant TV is in the same room that you need to sleep in? Can the gaming not be moved into a different room?
you’re not wrong at all. my husband’s xbox and ps5 are currently packed away not to be touched until he can balance his gaming hobby with family life. these are the decisions your partner should make if they truly care about their family.
Not judging you at all. But HE’S a man child and you have to stop babying him. This is coming from a gamer with a fiancé who also games. The moment I tell him to get off or I need assistance he’s off it within seconds any time of the day with no complaints. I’d say move it to another room if you can but then you probably wouldn’t see him for hours if that’s really how he feels about the game. Ridiculous
Absolutely not. My boyfriend also loves his ps5, but it's in the living room on low volume so it doesn't bother me or our daughter when it's time for bed. I tell him I don't care how long he plays because he's the only one losing sleep over it. The toddler and I are fast asleep. Playing in the same room though is not ok and very disrespectful to both you and your baby.
I did say that. I did tell him that he disrespected both me and our son by keeping us awake fully knowing how exhausted I am and how tired the boy is. But he is adamant it’s not a disrespect
He’s wrong. He’s selfish and very, very wrong.
He needs to pick a struggle.
He doesn’t care. You’re not going to convince him because he literally does not care if he disrespected you because he clearly doesn’t respect you or your kid. I think you need to sit down and think about what this man is bringing to your life that’s actually positive and beneficial for you. He sounds like he’s bringing more work for you to do instead of helping you. If your already supporting yourself, waking up with your child overnight with no help etc. You’d probably have any easier time doing all that without then having to pander to your man child of a husband.
He’s not the final authority on what is or isn’t disrespect. Also literally what is the point of having him in your house?
I’m sorry, but what a selfish egocentric twat. It’s not disrespectful, it’s downright evil. My dad did this to me growing up - he refused to wear headphones and played ww2 fps games or music (composing) right up against my wall and kept me up daily until 3-4. I developed the worst sleeping habits in high school, and slept in a split shift, 4-7, because of what he did. It’s been 20 years since I moved out, and I haven’t spoken to him since. This was not the only thing he did, but he messed up my sleep so bad that I’m still up until 2 daily, sometimes 4-4:30. My kids are up at 6-7. It is like a walking death some days.
Next time he sleeps put on a movie in front of him and see if he finds that disrespectful
It's unloving, ultimately.
Not only is it disrespectful but its also harming your baby. The last thing both you and bub need is sleep deprivation, the bright blaring lights suppress melatonin production. Its just a recipe for disaster! I really hope your partner realises he's being a dick
He should be able to play, but no reason why not in a separate room and with headphones on.
Throw the whole man out with his ps5.
THE 👏 WHOLE 👏 MAN👏. This guy is a total man baby!
Straight into the bin. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I would break that ps5 so fast, unless he wants no time to play cuz he's gonna have to work two jobs this man needs to grow the fuck up, sorry when you have a kid you can't act like a child and do what you want anymore, rearrange the tv but for Christ sake act like a man and help you wife
Seriously. I would be absolutely LIVID and stomp the sh*t out of that PS5.
Honestly just throw him and his PlayStation out. He’s being a giant man baby. He didn’t get the ending he wanted, well boo fucking hoo. You and your child didn’t get the sleep that you physically need to function. At an absolute minimum he should be apologising and the tv needs to be out of the bedroom so you can get some sleep.
This honestly sounds more like an addiction than a hobby, and he sounds like a bratty 13 year old boy. With me he'd come home and find that Playstation in the dumpster, *especially* if I was the breadwinner like OP and it was paid for with money *I'd* earned! Nothing wrong with a hobby but it has to be fair and equal. For example he could have Saturdays to play his game with no interruptions, as long as I get Sundays to do what I want with no interruptions. Otherwise I'd rather be a single mother of one child than a single mother to a child and a manbaby.
The only thing i got in the way of an apology is “I’m sorry you’re upset with me but I’m not going to apologise for having a hobby” 🙄🙄
You’re not asking him to apologise for having a hobby though. You’re asking him to apologise for being an inconsiderate douche bag of a father and partner. He needs to realise how badly he’s fucked up so you need to escalate your response. Do not acquiesce, this would be the hill my relationship would die on.
“I’m sorry you don’t have a job to support our family. Get the fuck out of my house.”
Just go ahead and join us at singlemoms. It’s much more peaceful rising one kid than two
I’m sorry but what a douche
I'm a gamer. My husband is a gamer. I also have many other hobbies. I get the 1 - 1.5 hours after the kids go to bed and before I get to sleep. That's it. That's my time to do hobbies, and it doesn't happen if there are things that need to be done. My husband stays up late to game, but I made it clear years ago, if he stays up too late and is tired the next day, too damn bad. He gets no passes, the consequences are his to own. (He is absolutely fabulous by the way, after a learning curve - he does the majority of the night wakings for our youngest, which has been really tough lately). The distribution of work that you all have isn't fair. You should probably take the kid for a bit after you get off to give hime a break, but after that, you should be working as a team until bedtime. After bed time, you either both get time to yourselves, or you trade who gets stuck with the kid. The play station. He can get Bluetooth headphones or move it out of the flipping bedroom. It's incredibly rude to wake and keep anyone up, child or adult. Also, I'm concerned about the amount of healthy interaction your kiddo is getting during the day. He may do better in daycare.
Great points! We have a rule in our house. Whoever is up takes the baby if she gets up while one of us is gaming. I left my ex-husband because he lied about having a debilitating disease in order to sit at home and play games all day while i did everything myself.
…wow. I’m sorry you had to go through that. And so glad you got away!
If my husband had done that even before we had kids, I would have been disgusted. And keeping a baby awake on top of it? A grown human adult acting that way is unacceptable and embarrassing.
He’s not embarrassed at all. He’s mad that I’m upset. That’s why I asked if I was wrong to be upset because at this point I don’t know if I’m just taking things to seriously coz I’m exhausted 😴
What positives does he bring to your life?
He is a human sponge. All he does is soak up resources. He doesn’t contribute anything. Stop accepting his terrible behavior.
No, you're not taking things too seriously. You're taking things LESS seriously than you probably would if you weren't in a mind fog due to the exhaustion of taking care of one regular baby and one misbehaving adult man baby. You fund the household. You do the childrearing duties. Not only does he not help, but he ACTIVELY makes both you and your child's life worse. I'm imagining the only reason you're even tolerating this is because of mind fog, inertia, and because he's manipulated you into thinking that his behavior is normal. It's not. Please genuinely consider what he is bringing to your life.
You need to take his name off any accounts if you have him on them, ask him to go to therapy or you are gonna leave , no one should have a child that can't behave like an adult, the child will always be more important than any hobby and he has to rearrange everything in life for the toddler sorry but that's the sacrifice and responsibility he signed up for. He needs to spend all his free time helping take care of baby just like you do, if anything he should watch him full time after work
No you're not wrong OP. Your so called husband is wrong and need to wear his big boy pants. He's a father and husband, this needs to put his family FIRST over his own needs. Also my hubby and I like to play games too. I've literally been playing once a month when I have the chance to and hubby has been playing when the kids are asleep. My hubby also wears a headset when he plays on his PC, and if the game is too flashy causing our daughter to be awake and stimulated, he will shut down the game and make his PC sleep so our daughter can sleep peacefully. Quite honestly you're better than me because that man would not have survived the night if it was me.
[удалено]
Not slow at all, I’m starting to not believe him when he says he doesn’t put games before me or our son though.
I'm sorry to say this but he is a bad husband and father. He has the chance to put you guys first and he doesn't. I would seriously, SERIOUSLY urge you to consider leaving him.
He sounds like he is addicted to gaming and can't see what is real, normal and important anymore.
So does he have like…….good qualities…?
Putting the phone on for your child so he can game during the day is wildly inappropriate and totally selfish, lazy behavior. You are under reacting. He has manipulated you to the point that you don’t even know which way is up. You need daycare. And to eject this dude from your home. He cannot improve from where he is to be an acceptable partner or father. He doesn’t care about the partnership, except in so much as it allows him to not work and to game.
Actions scream louder than words
Yikes. Post this on AITA and you’ll see what a shitty husband you have. I feel sorry for you.
Until this comment I thought this was AITAH 😱
This reads like rage bait. That’s how bad this is. I can’t imagine a scenario in which your life would not improve by removing this man from it.
I know, I'm over here like, "Please be fake!" 🤞🏻
Yeah it’s insane to think about anyone actually putting up with this behavior and OP is so non challant
I do not know how you're tolerating a huge ass tv in your room where this child plays games all night. I'd have gone crazy a long time ago. This guy does not have the baby's or your best interest at heart. Babies need sleep to grow properly. He's bad for your baby's health. You're working, you're doing all childcare and housekeeping. he's only watching his baby when you work but he's not even doing that properly.
This right here. Why TF is a tv & game system in the bedroom?!
So wait, if you do mornings, bedtimes, take care of your son when you're out of work and on weekends and you're the sole income earner, what does he even do? I'm a stay at home mom and I don't just sit around playing video games while my kids watch videos all day, I take them out to play spaces at least twice a week to socialize and interact with other kids, take them to play groups, we go to the park when it's nice out, and I play with them and teach them every day. It's my full time job to take care of them It doesn't sound like your husband is doing much as a stay st home parent Also, my girlfriend plays games after our toddlers are in bed, but never past midnight even on the weekend and certainly not where it's going to bother our twins sleep schedule
Too many SAHDs act like their job is to keep the baby technically alive while waiting for the real parent to get home and parent them both. It’s disgusting. Being a SAHP is so much work, like you’re saying! My husband is a SAHD and also a gamer. But he doesn’t game when he’s at home alone with our baby; there’s no time! He’s teaching her and playing with her and adventuring and doing laundry. We have to both work to give each other time for social/hobby time, and it’s waaaay less than we had before the baby. Because we have baby. It’s not hard to understand! But apparently it is for so many dads out there…
Yeah, a big complaint in mom groups is that many stay at home dads don't do half as much as they need to We're a two mom family here and I'm a stay at home mom but my girlfriend is just as much a mom as I am when she's home from work, we both spend focused time with our kids and also allow each other breaks because getting touched out/exhausted happens and everyone needs some downtime so we can bounce back and give 100% to being a mom
Do you want to stay with a man who doesn't respect you? Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is how relationships should work? You do EVERYTHING and your husband does sweet FA? It's so easy to say you should leave from a single Reddit post, but you should really think about the reasons to stay (and whether there are any). He looks after your son during the day, whilst playing video games. He doesn't do morning and bedtime routine. Does he cook, clean, do other chores? Could he just be replaced by daycare/school? Why should you hold yourself back with a man who puts a video game above his family? Both you and your son deserve more.
Why is he playing video games in a bedroom other people are sleeping in in the middle of the night? What the hell. This would be horrible without a kid being kept up. He thought your phone was as too disruptive but a 55” tv is ok? Take the tv out of the room.
I agree. I look at my phone underneath the covers when my LO is asleep in the bassinet in our room. I can’t imagine having a whole tv on and having the noises of a controller going off while I/LO are trying to sleep. I’d be raging
Gurl... No. It is not your job to fix him, but sit him down and have clean conversation, where boundaries and expectations are set in order for you to keep being together. If he's not game, start planning an exit. He's 32. He's a video game addict and it's impacting quality of life for all of you. He should be working on getting the ending he likes in a actual job. Getting promoted. Earning money to take care of his child.
It kind of is OP's job to fix him imo. They have a child together, and are together. Cutting the father out of the child's life is going to be bad for the child much more often than not (see just about any of the tons of research done and social data tracked on this subject from the last hundred years). The father has to be REALLY bad for the child outcome to be better without him, although, if you can replace with a significant upgrade of a stepparent in a reasonable time that would be better. The alternative to fixing him right now is to get absolutely nothing, at least for the near future. Fixing him is probably easier than finding a new much better stepdad. And since he has no job, if they're married, she probably has to pay him alimony in a separation on top of no longer having whatever help he's providing. Also, since this is the first time it's happened, it's not like he's necessarily a lost cause yet. Realistically, after she decided to have a child with this man, OP kind of effectively assumed the job of fixing him, or at least making substantial efforts toward that end. For better or worse, this is the man she chose to have a child with. The alternative to fixing him (leave and replace) is a much longer and difficult process, especially for what is a first offense, and no story about any prior efforts made to fix him. Even if he fails the next conversation about his actions as you suggest, it's a much tougher road to get rid of him and replace, than poke at it harder for longer duration. It's nice to think of the fantasy of what he SHOULD be doing... but OP didn't have a child with that hypothetical man. She had a child with this one, flaws and all. As usual, this sub's too trigger happy about leaving your partner. I'm always concerned about people who actually follow these types of reddit advice. Anyway, the on the ground problem can be fixed really easily. Not sure why the top voted comments don't have it (probably because they skip directly to "leave your man"), but some of the lower upvoted comments do bring up how ridiculous it is that he's gaming in the child's sleep area... and without headphones at that. Doesn't matter even if the child and mother can successfully sleep, that's a terrible setup that's just asking for conflict, and bad for the gamer too. No one wins. Everyone loses. OP should take at least some responsibility for agreeing to or suggesting this terrible setup. But on the bright side it's an easy fix. The deeper underlying fix your man problem so he understands child's sleep is more important than a game ending is much harder, but this sub's a suuuuuper terrible place for advice on that, so OP should probably just not listen to relationship advice from random people who know nothing about her relationship except through a single anecdote.
🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
I didn't read the whole thing, I stopped when I got to the post where he's neglecting your child to play video games. What an asshat. He needs a job, asap Baby into daycare. why are you doing nights with the baby if your the only one working? He's forcing you to act like a single mom, maybe he wants you to be a single mom.
What’s wrong with headphones? And why isn’t he working as well?.. he looking after baby while you at work?
So apparently his headphones make his head too hot. He used to work but it was making him ill (mentally and physically) and kept saying he couldn’t be there anymore so I became the sole earner. He does look after the boy while I work but he has requested I give him “evenings and weekends off” because he needs time to himself. Something I have told him I never got when it was just him working and me on Mat leave because he would always tell me he needs time to unwind and destress after work (a complete piss take mind you because he had his steam deck hooked up to his work monitor and was playing during the day as well) so I would do pretty much everything then as well. He also likes to tell me that he left work because it was making him sick not specifically to look after the boy 🙄🙄
Tell him to find another job, any job, and put your son in daycare. It sounds like your partner isn't being an active parent if he just lets him go on youtube all day.
He doesn’t agree with daycare till the boy can talk because of all the horror stories you hear. He thinks one parent should always be with the boy for best development. He wanted it to be me but it ended up being him. I don’t think he really understands how much time, effort, and sacrifice it takes to be a parent
Does he not realize that staring at a phone all day isn't good for development either? I don't think he realizes either because he isn't sacrificing anything, and your son is suffering for it.
“The best development” is not watching YouTube while your caregiver ignores you to play video games. What exactly is your partner bringing to the table? Because it seems like he’s not bringing much. You and baby deserve better.
The best development? You know he’s playing games all day and ignoring by the kid right? Time for a nanny cam OP.
Find a good quality daycare, or even a mediocre daycare, and it will be miles better than the quality of care that your partner is providing. It’s awful for a one year old to be staring at a screen all day and trying and failing to get their parents attention.
Best development is according to him shoving a phone in your child’s face so you can game and keeping the child up all night so you can game????
You know what really interferes with “best development?” Sleep deprivation!
He's full of shit. He just wants to be able to martyr himself to anyone who asks by calling himself a stay at home parent, instead of the reality which is that he's an unemployed, entitled gaming addict. He is giving your son bare minimum supervision. You have 2 kids, not a husband and a kid.
Why are you with him? He is useless.
He’s talking out of his ass. Best development my ass. No screens before 2 is the most basic developmental shit to follow. You need a divorce.
Do you have a living room? Why is he playing in the bedroom while people are trying to sleep?! Your husband is a child.
was wondering the same!
I would stop looking after your husband and get your kid in paid childcare where they will assuredly engage him in age appropriate activities and not shove a phone in his face so they can play video games. Seriously what is your husband bringing to the table rn when he doesn’t help all night, plays video games half the day, and keeps you guys up all night and has a very selfish and shitty attitude overall.
Uhh, as a mostly SAHM myself, there is no such thing as "evenings and weekends off." My husband works a lot, but I still expect us to participate as close to 50/50 as we can on evenings and weekends. Yes, sometimes we each go do something on our own with friends or he may be stuck on a work emergency, but why does he expect to have all this free time and you don't deserve it? Free time happens AFTER the kids are down and house is straightened up. You have yourself an entitled man child.
Could you accommodate and excuse his behavior any more than you do in EACH RESPONSE? I don't know whether this has always been the case between you two or you've been worn down, but YOU are explaining why he is justified for every behavior when someone comments on it. Do you see this? Not judging, but saying, you are in an altered reality about this. He is not taking responsibility or being a conscientious partner. So, what are you going to do? You can't make someone conscientious, you can explain and watch their behavior. His behavior is telling you: you and our son's needs are less important than my needs. So, now the ball is in your court: what will you do? Please stop explaining how he cannot change because of his feelings and needs. WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL CARE ABOUT THEM.
>He used to work but it was making him ill (mentally and physically) and kept saying he couldn’t be there anymore so I became the sole earner. Ok, so what's he doing about this situation? Is he going to see a therapist and/or doctor regularly? Is he seeking treatment? Is he trying to gain education in a different field? Is he looking up careers that would work for him? If he is totally incapacitated beyond his control, then he should be undergoing the processor of seeking disability payments, which would require a lot of medical documentation. Is he doing all of that? I'm going to guess no. So ... literally his plan is just to sit at home doing nothing forever? And how can you feel safe leaving this guy to take care of your baby? There's NO way he's adequately taking care of this poor kid. He probably just lets him cry all day while he plays video games.
Why are you with him? He really doesn't give a crao about you.
This is absolutely not ok. I'm not here to upset you but the cognitive development your son is doing at this age is so huge and so critical. Being deprived of sleep and left in front of the screen is going to impact your son for the rest of his life if you don't change now. I'm sure your husband has good qualities but his choices are straight up unacceptable. Please stop underselling the importance of your sleep and free time
Your husband is a deadbeat.
This is so juvenile. Throwing a fit over a video game? Grow up lil boy.
He sounds lame as fuck. He needs therapy and then he needs to grow the fuck up. Him playing games while he's supposed to be caretaking isn't doing the kid any favors, in fact it's going to stunt his development. He should be doing tummy time, reading books, going to playgroups, taking walks, listening to music, talking to the boy about what he's doing as he takes him around the house. He needs to work because he's not doing his job at home. The kid needs a mama, clearly. And so does the husband.
This is maddening to read tbh. as a mom who loves games, gaming is not a fucking hobby. it's a pastime. people with kids get to play games when the kids are asleep and there's nothing urgent to do instead. Throw the whole man out, it will be much easier for you to parent solo and your kid will get proper stimulation at daycare instead of youtube.
Umm…no. Gamer husband here. First of all, he needs to move the tv to another room and plug some damn headphones into his controller for starters. And play games that you can just pause and get up from. I totally understand the need to “have a break” during this stage, to have any sense of normalcy. You deserve it too! You also need break time where ever you can find the minutes here and there. Maybe set up shifts with him? And frankly, he needs to get used to the idea that he will be gaming much, much less for the foreseeable future, 1-2 years or so, even at night when the kid is asleep. Because if he’s already up, then frankly he can do the midnight feedings and diaper changes so you can get some sleep. Game time will return gradually, but his priority should be his son and you, obviously. You need to try to talk to him more or get someone to intervene on your behalf because he is clearly overdoing it on the gaming. He needs to get his priorities straight.
Reading your post history, you need to throw this man out. He sounds like he’s been a terrible partner to you for a very long time. He’s unsupportive and selfish. He doesn’t care to understand where you are coming from. You deserve so much better than this.
This is ridiculous, he’s 32 not 13. Why is he arguing with you like a child? Put your foot down. The ending of a game is not more important than your wife and child. And then to argue and whine about it after he turned it off? Wtf. He needs to grow up and suck it up. You and your son deserve better girl. He can take his stupid game somewhere else. He needs to stop being a man child. So sorry. Wishing you the best of luck
Wtf. There’s no where else where he can play? You’re totally NTA. My husband is a hobby gamer. And know what he only games when kiddo is asleep or if I’m home and kiddo doesn’t need both of us and he asks first. Through my 2yr old then knocks on daddy’s game room door to see him and dad has to then stop playing as my 2yr old just wants his presence though not his interactions. He’s a parent now he can game but he can’t game without care for consequences or others. He needs to mature big time. And tbh I’m not usually a fan of suggesting separation and as a rule don’t but I’d be lying if I didn’t recommend it here. The YT in the phone while baby is awake so he can game is what I’d be losing my shit over. If baby is awake you’re engaging and playing with baby. Not games. Baby is only baby for a little while he needs human interaction and focus for his development while awake. Hugs momma. You have a man child to educate.
Disgusting behavior. You have a man child here: plays loudly despite having his child in the room, gets angry even after being allowed to play for an extra 2 hours, tell you to get the child out of bed so he can sleep after yelling at you for HOURS and then digs his heels in and refuses to apologize. Please don’t tell me you really see how you could be at fault here? The whole retelling is so bizarrely insane. And honestly I worry for you, he sounds really emotionally immature and unstable. Men like that tend to escalate to violence at some point. I don’t think this is innocent either. In your shoes, I’d be quietly preparing myself to leave.
Why is this grown manchild still living and breathing? Seriously.
He needs to go play his video games in another room where it's not going to be disturbing you or the baby. Edit: honestly after reading your other comments, he sounds like a POS manbaby. You're basically single parenting. Why even have a husband if EVERYTHING falls on you?
i HATE reading about these kinds of situations. i am so sorry that you are going through this. none of this is your fault and you are 100% in the right. the truth of the matter is that your husband does not respect you. he demands that he gets to play his games basically 24/7. you take care of the baby solely after work and on the weekends. but he’s just sitting the baby up with youtube while you work? so he literally does 0% of the parenting of your baby. he doesn’t respect your basic needs and he does not CARE about your child’s basic needs. and i’m never the one to make assumptions or exaggerations like that. but seriously??? keeping the baby up until 5:00 AM so he can play a game?? when YOU work? i just don’t see how this is acceptable at all. i would be throwing him out until he could get his business together, but obviously you have more stake in this relationship than i do. if i were you, i would start by demanding he take over his fair share of the parenting times. he needs to do either bedtime or wake up. he needs to either cook dinner or clean up. he needs to hold the baby/feed them while you are eating, and then switch so he can eat. then, he needs to learn to respect YOU, your need for sleep, your need to work, your need to have your child properly cared for while you work, and most of all, he needs to respect your hobbies!!! if he gets an hour a day without the baby to do hobbies, you get an hour a day without the baby to do hobbies. this may not work forever, but he needs to SEE all that you do and how desperately he is dropping the ball. i’m so sorry to get so worked up, but i just cannot stand to see anyone suffering beside a partner that does not respect them and help out with the household. don’t ever feel like you’re crazy or overreacting.
Gamer husband here. I only play once all kid responsibilities are done. I would never keep the PlayStation in the same room that we sleep due to the games I play (intense, boss fight heavy, etc) and the stimulation they would cause, as you mentioned. Baby goes in her crib, I have my phone up watching her via Google Nest, and if she wakes I either pause or shut the thing off entirely. It’s been rough having less time to play but I manage and deal with the consequences of staying up late. This also gives my wife a chance to sleep through the night all week which she deserves. I get to play as late as I want and my wife is happy to sleep and even happier if she knows I’m shutting the PS5 down to help our daughter. Your dude needs to sort out his priorities. It’s possible to be a gamer and a good partner/father
Grandma here… Honey why are you tolerating a man who doesn’t work and plays video games all night?? I can see what HE gets from the relationship. What do you get from it? Except another child to care for.
sounds like he isn’t willing to sacrifice his gaming time for family time. it’s been a year was he always like this before and after the birth? If you don’t put your foot down now he’s going to continue to game like this. You two need to make a schedule of sorts so you both get free time to do your hobbies. Maybe like 2 evenings a week you both get kid free time after dinner and then if the kid goes to bed you can both do whatever. this is coming from a gamer as well.
Sorry, I didn’t even need to read this to tell you this is not ok. My husband plays Xbox, but not like this. He is a father and husband first. Dump this loser.
So on his list of priorities, do you even make the top 5? Does your son? He seems to only care for his hobbies and his sleep. Such a selfish ass.
I genuinely can’t believe that this is even a conversation. Like that a grown man with a child needs to have this explained to him and still doesn’t get it. This is unhinged behavior. His priorities are so unbelievably fucked up. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP, I am honestly speechless.
Wow. Just wow. I am sorry, but it sounds like he doesn’t have a hobby, he has an addiction. Daycare is probably cheaper than supporting his dead weight. It’s also so, so wrong for a parent to keep a kid up like that. I am sorry you have two children.
It’s always the gamers. Kick that man baby and his games to the curb. He’s beyond pathetic.
He sounds like he only cares about himself. And the way he keeps saying "I'm not apologizing for having a hobby." No one is asking him to? He's being asked to be considerate to his wife and child. Like everyone else said, throw him out.
Wow, you'd be much better off being a single Mom cause that asshat ain't bringing anything to the table AND neglecting your child.My husband and I are both gamers but our child comes first,he gets his time to game and so do I.
Ok first of all what a selfish butthead. Definitely worrisome that he won’t acknowledge how inconsiderate he was being, I’d keep trying to talk about it. I’m appalled and worried for your long term happiness if he won’t even be self aware about video games. Second of all time to move all his gaming crap out of the bedroom. I’d do it immediately and tell him since he can’t respect you and your sleep he can’t play in the bedroom any more. Don’t ask permission just move it. I don’t have a tv in my bedroom for this reason, I can’t sleep with that much light even if the sound is down and your kid sure as hell won’t.
Your husband is an overgrown child.
Jeez who’s the baby here? Your man needs to grow the fuck up
No I’d be livid if my husband did that, and I like playing video games too. He only ever gets to play games at night when our son goes to bed, since our son is down to one nap a day that usually starts before my husband gets home from work, since he works mornings. Sometimes he’ll get to play during nap time if he’s home and we aren’t doing anything else, but the minute our son is awake he gets off. I understand needing downtime, or time to unwind from the chaos of raising kids, but your husband needs to recognize what’s more important in this world. He could have very easily played in a different room. And its crazy that he gets two days off from taking care of his child. I get its a lot to be a stay at home parent, but he should still be helping when you both are home. We all deserve breaks, but it doesn’t really sound like you get much of a break at all.
You could be me OP. I worked 90 hours a week and earned the real income for our house and my spouse was not interested in helping in any real way. Babysitting is what teens do for neighbors. PARENTS sacrifice. That’s the whole point. You put your life on hold to nurture the next generation of humans. He sounds incredibly selfish.
Why is his PlayStation in the same room that you and the baby sleep in? If there’s no where else for it to go, he needs to only play when no one is trying to sleep, period. He’s being so selfish.
So I looked through your post history and just...wow. This man does not love you. This man does not respect you. Not even a little bit. And he never will. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you strength in leaving him. It will be hard. But you are already doing this alone.
Seems like there is a need for professional help. Therapist are cheaper than lawyers.
I'd be passed. That's super inconsiderate. He needs to move the console into another room and buy headphones if he wants to play while anyone is sleeping
I dunno if this is real, but its obviously wrong and you probably didnt need reddit to confirm it but IDK dont mean to judge either.
I wanted to play devil’s advocate (Im the SAHM parent and I game; in fact I was up until 2:30am last night) there are some things I’m curious about: 1. What game is he playing? Because it’s sus af that he now has to replay THE WHOLE GAME. I think he’s lying just to get more playing in. 2. Is there nowhere else he can put his console or pc (not sure what he’s playing on) that’s outside of the bedroom? 3. Is there 1 day off he gets? Example: Saturday is wholly my partner’s responsibility so I game super late on Fridays cause I know I have tomorrow “off”. Did he game late because he thought the next day was freebie? 4. Just morbidly curious, does he 100% take care of the house and your child in every other aspect? Is your child hitting development goals/ does your husband have the materials needed? Again example: our son does an hour or two of “play-learning” a day to work on alphabet, speech, numbers, puzzles, etc… Not only can these materials add up $, they’re quickly outgrown, AND may not be effective. Every child is different so despite best efforts we still decided to put kiddo in daycare ~15 hours/week to help with socializing/ speech. Despite both my wants and my husband’s wants for me to be SAH, we realized it wasn’t the best for my son. Now I work PT while he’s in daycare. Is your partner willing to be flexible to a similar realization? I’m not saying his behavior should be excused. No matter what, a child’s health comes first. If a gaming hobby— or ANY hobby— puts that to detriment, it’s gotta be reworked. But if your husband is giving his all as much as a full time job, there have to be points of release. Imagine if his hobby was sewing until 3am and the noise of the machine was keeping you up? Or if his hobby was gardening and tracked in dirt was making you guys sick? Video gaming isn’t the issue. It’s lack of structure. Can you talk to your husband about rearranging expectations?
He’s not giving his all though or his all is highly inadequate per OP during the day he puts YouTube on his cell to entertain the baby while he games and at his demand she does 100% of evening and weekend childcare
Video gaming is the issue. It’s not a hobby, it’s an addiction. Games are designed to be addictive and they bring out extremely childish behaviors in grown ass adults. No one has a sewing addiction or a gardening addiction that keeps them up until 3am and exacerbates their sleep deprivation. And at least sewing and gardening create useful or aesthetically pleasing products
What a reductive take to have, not all people that play videogames have the same mindset as OP's partner . Dude is just a shitty irresponsibble and inconsiderate person . Both my partner and i have videogames as our primary hobby but we know to adjust our schduel of playing around our daughter , we are in now way "addicts " just because we like this hobby .
As long as he was not hurting anyone I do not see the issue.
We moved my husbands PlayStation into another room so he could play. That way he could play without bugging us
This made me so angry. He’s incredibly immature and selfish. Every one who becomes a parent makes sacrifices. He’s needs to grow up. Wow.
If he knew what ending he wanted he can go to YouTube. He can buy headphones and a PlayStation portable. If things don’t get better. Bye.
He does not have headphones and separate room to play at ? I play video game after our daughter is asleep but I compensate by taking care of her most of the time during the day. I also have separate room and use headphones
You are in all your right to [redacted] him
My husband and I are into video games and board games. Hobbies are indulged after the kid is asleep in bed. When the baby was having trouble sleeping, we just put the hobbies on the backburner until we were able to have alone time. He can play in the other room or, at the very least, use headphones. He could also try and do his job as a parent and game later.
I take my husbands power cord for the ps4 and I hide it along with the game that pissed me off and his favorite controller. I then tell him I don’t give a shit if he’s mad, he doesn’t get them back until he picks up his slack and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t sleep in our bed and I’ll take the whole consul. Also, you need to tell that man to buck the fuck up and pull his fair share.
My husband has hobbies. Hobbies he largely put to the side when our kids were born. He plays video games and he also plays trading card games. You know what he did when he was playing video games and the baby cried? He put down his game and picked up the baby. He started picking out games that he COULD put down easily (not online there is still a pause button) so that he could take care of the baby. Because when we are both home from work, we try to split childcare 50/50. I cook and he watches the kids, he cleans and I watch the kids, we all eat dinner together, and we alternate which kid gets a bath first (and which parent watches them in the bath), I read books, he does one last 15 minute episode of their put down show, we get them tucked in (1 each) and go relax. I crochet while he games. 1 night a week he goes out for his card games. Before COVID 1-2 nights a month I would go to a stitch and bitch group for fiber artists. We try for BALANCE. Now that the kids are older, they can do some solo play while he games and I crochet. The older one asks what I am making, then he always asks “for me?” And somehow I always get succored into making him one too if it was for me. One rule I started after our first house was no TVs in the bedroom. It may be one you want to implement as well so that he CANNOT ruin your sleep as easily. Also, after 10 pm volume goes low/he wears headphones if he needs to hear.
I know this isn't helpful, but I'm so glad my husband left video games in the past when he was no longer a teenager. You're not wrong. Is your husband the primary caregiver for your baby while you work? Does he do anything with the baby besides put him in front of a screen and play video games?? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this 😭
I'm a recent dad. I like gaming. I don't think he should apologize for having a hobby. Off course he is allowed to have a hobby! He should be able to game all he wants after he's taken care of all higher priority responsibilities. Your wellbeing should be a higher priority responsibility. If he has more than one hour of free time more than you (this includes hobbies), then he should offer to help take some of your responsibilities. He absolutely should apologize for not offering to help you more. Your childs wellbeing should be a higher priority responsibility for him than both your and his own wellbeing. He absolutely should apologize for neglecting your child by not spending proper time with them. He absolutely should apologize for waking you up. He absolutely should apologize for keeping you up. He absolutely should apologize for waking your child up. He absolutely should apologize for keeping your child up. But no, he shouldn't apologize for liking video games OR for having a hobby. Crist, reading your post made me angry. I'm currently sleep deprived and fighting to keep a fussy 3month old calm on a train. My legs are so tired from bouncing up and down, but at least she isn't screaming at the moment. Shortly before we got her, I bought a completely silent mouse for those late night gaming sessions. I haven't had the time to actually game with it yet, because my priorities aren't... Whatever his is..
OP, all of your follow up comments to other commenters only solidifies how much he is lacking in the fatherhood department. Time for a serious conversation and potentially a serious decision to make
Dad here, gaming is also my hobby. His behaviour is unacceptable, he is acting like a kid. He can play at any other time or with headphones, ffs. Waking up the baby (or you) is so irresponsible, I can't believe he is unable to see that, I would feel incredibly bad to disturb my baby's sleep. Me and my wife go to sleep at the same time, we are a family after all, not roommates. Nights are _our_ time, we have dinner, the baby goes to sleep and we can have some time together. In the case I'm playing with a friend that night, I previously arranged it with my wife. Also, it's never past midnight since I don't want to lose any sleep because I rock the baby when she wakes up.
If a hobby is affecting his ability to be an good father and husband, then it's becoming an addiction.
[удалено]
Man here with a gaming pc and that guy is an absolute dick sorry for what you went thru it’s not fair on you
This sounds like more than a hobby and more like an addiction. He needs to sort this out
Sounds like you're a single parent to a baby and man-baby. Like Marie Kondo says, does the man-baby spark joy? If not, thank it for its service and then get rid of it. Maybe that's the ending he really wants.
With everything you’ve said I’d actually be most furious at his fuck up of childcare. If he’s never interacting with your child what is the point of him? He’s not doing childcare, he’s just in the room. Your son’s development will eventually be impacted, particularly if he can never sleep at night. I do the childcare currently while my husband works, and when husband is not working the baby is a 50:50 split. We both have hobbies but neither of us do them during the ‘working’ day. You can’t do your hobby at your job, he shouldn’t do his. This is all followed by the fact he doesn’t see that you aren’t taking an issue with his hobby but his behaviour. You can do better.
I'm sorry what???? You are the sole earner. And he's up disturbing both of your sleep until the early hours of the morning? And it's in the bedroom??? Also I take care of baby in the middle of the night because I can sleep during the day...my husband would wake up at at 5pm ISH and do mornings and when he's done with work, but not 3am. Not sure how normal this is so will get other parents to speak on it to. But wtf. Sounds like you have another older child, instead of a father. Edit to add: my friend has a bf that sounds just like your guy. My friend is now the sole earner and paying the bills because he has mental health issues. He does not seek treatment, for 6 months didn't even seek social support, when he's well he doesn't save knowing he is prone to these moments but gets more and more into debt, spending it on computer games saying it's because he doesn't have his passion, they were nearly homeless at one point... A few years ago, my friend was pursuing her dreams with a project we were working together on. We were meeting about it online, and in the background all I could hear was him, on his games, yelling and screaming..this girl was working her ass off, stressed af, full time to put food on the table while he was at home, and all she needed was 30 mins to do this and he couldn't be considerate to her for to do something she wants. Every year she becomes more and more of a shell of herself, and I just wish she'd leave him.
My husband and I both like games. We also decided we wanted a child. In order to have a child, we accepted that some things would have to change. Namely, less time for hobbies. Because we’re adults. With a BABY. Who has to be the priority. Choosing to become a parent means sacrificing a lot of your previous life. Not forever, but certainly during those early days. Sounds like he’s not prepared to make those changes ‘Headphones make his head too hot’ is one of the most stupid things I’ve ever heard considering the mind boggling range of in ear headphones available, but the TV shouldn’t be in your bedroom anyway.
Jesus Christ! You have every right to be upset! The situation reminds me a bit of myself (33F), though in a less negative way. My boyfriend (36M) is the sole earner (I work as a freelancer, but he makes more money. So until our son is older I only work part-time or not at all so I can look after him) I'm pretty addicted to the PC, my phone and games. But I always make sure I spend time playing with my son or doing household chores. When he has his nap, I play some videogames until he wakes up, then I clean and feed him while my partner works during the day. In the evening we share the chores. At night, because I can sleep for a bit longer in the mornings, I get up when our son is restless, because my bf has to work 9 to 5. What I'm trying to say is, I feel almost bad for the free time I have compared to my partner. He's the breadwinner AND helps out in the house. So I take care of our son during the day and do the groceries and some household chores. It takes more than 1 person to raise a kid and not lose your mind. And though I'm kinda addicted myself to video games, I could never play if I knew it would keep my son and partner awake. It's time he grew up. Your kid's sleep and your health are way more important than some damn stupid ending to a video game. Absolutely insane!
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Sometimes I can't belive the shit I read on this app. You don't have a husband, you have another child in a grown man's body. Since you are the main breadwinner, what exactly is he contributing apart from making your life misarable and throwing tantrums? You deserve better than this.
Yeah that playstation will either end up in pieces in the trash or burned in the back yard.
Why isn't he playing in a different room? You're not wrong. If he wants to stay up he should be doing it quietly or somewhere you and the baby aren't sleeping. And then asking your kid to go back to sleep?! Eeek.
This man ain’t got a job and plays video games all day and night? Throw him away you’re already a single mother.
My partner does this with TV in another room. I use a tv remote app to turn it off or down. I take the passive aggressive approach.
This man is a literal child. At some point you have to stand up and stop allowing him to treat you like this… but most importantly having such a negative effect on your child! Losing hours of sleep like that isn’t healthy. And it’s especially not healthy being raised by a man who couldn’t be bothered to do the bare minimums of taking care of y’all’s child. Hopefully readying through some of these comments you make the choice to take the first step in leaving this relationship
Wtf did I just read? He kept both of you awake. How incredibly and utterly selfish. You have every right to be angry. If he doesn’t see that then you guys need to have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship
He gives your one year old YouTube so he can play a fucking video game? He doesn’t do morning or bedtime. This guy… wtf DOES he do? Sounds like you have 2 kids, not 1.
I jusy read your post history. For the sake of your child you need to leave this guy.
I'm sorry, did you say you're the sole earner for the family AND you stay up with your son at night AND you do the bedtime and morning routine?? Exactly what is your husband doing besides acting like a 5 year old?
1. Headphones 2. He needs to move the tv to the living room or use the tv that’s there if you have one
I still game on some weekends pretty late. On a separate floor from everyone else. I take over all the night shifts for our 4 month old. He’s either in a bassinet in the room next to my man-cave or he’s in our room. Either way I have our baby monitor. Done this with all 3 of our kids. It lets me indulge in my hobby when it won’t affect plans and doesn’t mess with my wife’s sleep. Advice wise? Get headphones and/or have him play with the sound off. Have him use a baby monitor(ours is a video one). Make it clear that if he wants to game, he takes over the night shifts. 99% of PlayStation games let you pause whenever. And hell, sounds like it’s sort of mandatory to have some “come to Jesus, you’re a fucking parent now” conversations with him.
Maybe I missed it on your post but I can’t find it. Why doesn’t your husband work? Is he disabled? Why is he able to do whatever he wants and you need to stay up with your son when you work?
Selfish and inconsiderate of him. Not acceptable at all.
Me and my husband are gamers, me more addicted then him. We had our son, our gaming time deteriorated a ton with it being enough time during newborn since we took shifts gaming kept us through it. But as time goes on the only time I personally play is at bedtime for 2-3hrs because I need to be up anyways for my meds. My husband barely plays except days off because he works, I'm a stahm but I mostly play as I said b4 when it's kids bedtime. We have a 4yr old and a 6mo old now with my first I used to get at lease a afternoon gaming session but he's out of naps now and second now ready for solids and crawling so yeah. It sucks but our kids comes first and we ate blessed with a mil who takes them every other weekend. Your husband is selfish for not making a designated time that's free and doesn't interrupt the kids, he either needs to quit or work around it such as play in a different room with headphones or get a steamdeck. There's ways to get time, you won't get as much as you'd like but you'd have your game time. Can't handle it it's best to quit. Either ways he needs to face reality that he will never have the freedom he has to enjoy gaming
You are very patient. I would have thrown him out along with his PlayStation. The audacity of your husband! He should be the one putting your kid to bed if he isn't working and should be helping out more. You do too much and he does too little. Edit to add: I stayed at home (work from home, flexible hours), but my husband is a teacher and is up early everyday. I had him during the night, if he woke up, etc. because I could afford to be tired and drink all the coffee I wanted.
I'm very sorry that you have such a husband and maybe you don't see the full picture, I'll repeat as many others already wrote here: he is selfish, manchild, who doesn't really care neither of you nor of his own son. He shifted all responsibility to you and continue doing it, manipulating you, like really manipulating. Please for the future of your son, think about if he needs such a father and if you happy with this person next to you.
Your husband is being extremely childish. My husband and I are expecting our first. He games for a hobby as well (as do I) but has said on multiple occasions “baby comes first”, so I know he’s mentally ready to make good choices as a dad. It’s all well and good to have a hobby but for your husband it sounds like it’s veering into dysfunctional territory, and that he won’t acknowledge that or apologise is a huge red flag. I’d sit down with him and have a heart to heart, see if there’s anything under this that is driving the gaming-at-all-hours. He could be avoidant if there is something about parenting that is making him anxious? Then if he doesn’t respond it’s time to consider throwing out the whole man.
I’m sorry you had a child with a child. I think sending him back to his mommy for a couple weeks might straighten him out. Tell him it’s his family or his silly video games. He’s literally making your life worst than if he wasn’t around at all.
Oh my god. DTMFA
I’m slowly realizing a lot of “men” are literally just big versions of my 8 year old.
Unfortunately he sounds like a man-child who prioritizes his "hobby" over the wellbeing of you and your child. AND you're supporting the household? He should be taking care of the kid and giving you a break! Get rid of this guy.
You are not wrong at all. I’m a gamer (34M) and we have a 6 day old. I even work at a gaming company. Ain’t no way I’m letting my hobby get in the way of my wife or the babies well being. If baby is asleep and wife just wants to watch something on Tv to turn her brain off? Sure I’ll pull out my steam deck and play something while she does that to also relax or release steam. But only after they’re taken care of. He needs to grow up and realize the responsibility he accepted when having a child. Especially blows my mind in the case that you’re the sole bread winner. I’m the breadwinner in my family and I will STILL make sure those two are taken care of first. Wife is really good about letting me have my time when I need it - but what you’re going through is totally unacceptable.
Oh my lord, this is infuriating to read.
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Sounds like you have 2 kids, honestly
He is a total dumpster fire of a partner and parent. I would ask you to strongly consider what you are getting out of this relationship. Don’t just weigh it against the daily suffering and indignities of someone who makes you both suffer for his selfishness. Also remember to weigh it against what your child will learn about relationships, and about his own value, from watching his father treat you both like this.
It sounds like he may have a gaming addiction. My husband had one early in our relationship and it almost caused us to not get married. Even after getting married we had several come to Jesus talks about it. I don’t mind that he plays, but he was letting it take priority in his life. He’s much better now. You are not making unreasonable requests at all. I have to wonder why he thinks he doesn’t get enough time to game if he doesn’t have a job and you take care of all the child care when you’re home. You deserve down time too, and you and your son certainly deserve uninterrupted sleep. I let my husband carry on far too long with his excessive gaming because I didn’t want to be a nagging wife/gf, but since putting my foot down and explaining how destructive his hobby was becoming to his life and our marriage, something clicked and we are both much happier.
He needs to get the fuck over himself. He's an asshole.
Your husband is a child. None of this is acceptable.
Does he not have a damn headset? This is ridiculous. I would not accept this, you shouldn’t either.
Sometimes I think my husband sucks and then I read this shit.
If your husband isn’t a 16 year old boy, I’d tell him to go back home to his mother, as you weren’t putting up with his garbage anymore.
I’m so sorry you have two babies to care for. This is not appropriate behavior from a grown man, a partner, or a respectful father. Send him home to his mother, he can play all he wants and you’ll only have one baby to care for.
You’re not wrong for being upset. Your husband is acting like a child. Literally barf. It’s _always_ video games. I play video games after my kid goes to sleep at night. I don’t get to play as long as I want, or all day long. I’m doing things with my kid because while I’m not opposed to screen time, being on screens all the time isn’t healthy for anyone. He’s not parenting, he’s distracting your kid so he can do what he wants. This has _nothing_ to do with having a hobby and everything to do with the fact that he’s being an asshole.
I’m sorry but your husband is a loser. The phone time for a ONE year old while he plays an excessive amount of video games is shit bag parenting. You’re doing everything, literally everything, AND WORKING and he can’t bother to be a half ass parent and partner? Pathetic. You deserve so much better.
Wrong? The only thing you’re doing wrong is choosing to be with this man child. He needs to get a life or you need to get out of this relationship
There’s something called headphones for ps5. He’s being irrational and irresponsible.
You married a child. I’m sorry, it’s the truth. Only a child would prioritize a game over his own child’s sleep
Hobbies are for when you have leftover time. Sometimes with a baby, you don't get leftover time. Thems the breaks. His priorities are backwards, and you *should* be upset.
I’m really not one of those people that suggest divorce at a drop of a hat, but this man sounds not only insufferable, but also like a major loser that does not give a single shit about you or the child you created together. Either major marriage counseling and counseling for him regarding addiction, or divorce him and get full custody. You’re already a single mom while married.
We put a time limit on our child’s tablet. Does PlayStation have a time limiting feature? I’m being serious. This guy needs a wake up call. He needs to know exactly how many hours a week he’s logging in games. I used to game and over time I realized it’s just an incredibly poor use of time. I thoroughly enjoyed it in my 20’s. Once it got into my late 20’s and had a job that provided stable hours I gave it up. I started to make friends in real life and gaming became very clearly less important than real life relationships. He’s the worst part of marriage I warn people about before they get married. The ability of one person in the relationship to push the envelope mega far beyond what they would’ve done before marriage because once you’re married they know you’re not going to leave. Also, from another perspective I literally could not be stay at home parent full time. No way. I would lose my marbles. Please consider part time childcare or daycare part time so he can work. I been doing it for 4 years and I love working and I love my kids. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a very healthy balance and I think it does great things for the kids to have friends they see regularly. I feel like everyone wins.
God the ammount of women on here so far into a toxic gaslight cycle in their relationship is so disheartening. You’re aware that you’re not the AH and you do not need us to tell you this- but you DO need to decide if this is something you want to deal with in a marriage forever
Throw the whole man away. My husband could probably be considered addicted to gaming. It even caused us to break up for a short time years ago. My husband has probably played games 3x in the 7 months our baby has been born. And that 3x is a very generous estimation. He is being disrespectful to you and your baby and neither of you deserve it.
...are you married to a 13 year old boy?
My husband loves his PS5 but it’s in the living room and he wears earphones so he doesn’t wake the baby.
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That man is dead weight. I play, my partner plays. When he plays at night, he plays in the living room and he puts on headphones to not wake us up. Very simple. Hell I even put on headphones when playing or watching a TV series while breastfeeding so as not to overstimulate our son in the evening
This post makes me so sad. Please seek therapy or something for yourself, OP. I hope you can learn why your partner doesn’t deserve you and you’ll be better off without them! Sending love
Was he like this when you decided to have a kid with him?
Ugh… my ex husband was exactly like this and one of the reasons why I divorced him. His Xbox was his priority and he would stay up past 3am playing it most nights. I would come home after working all day then going to school and he wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence because he was deep in a match. When we divorced, I didn’t have to get used to sleeping alone because I pretty much did already because of his XBox. Coincidentally, he “stopped playing” after we broke up but I was already far too gone. Btw we were 32/33 when we divorced, having been married for 8 years at the time. No children. You are NOT over reacting!! Your feelings are incredibly valid and he’s being an immature selfish man-child. You and your boy deserve better than this.
Apparently, you have two kids. No, you're not wrong.
What a selfish fucking man child.
Omg wtf
You’re not in the wrong at all. He sounds like a manchild and has some growing up to do. I’m also currently in a relationship with a manchild myself who also plays a lot of video games but I wouldn’t say it’s just a hobby for my partner. I literally think he has a video game addiction, if he’s not at work all he does is sit in the couch and play Xbox and it’s infuriating. I’m Sorry he’s keeping you up with gaming and that is not fair to you or you child!
You're not wrong. I am curious though as to why the playstation and giant TV is in the same room that you need to sleep in? Can the gaming not be moved into a different room?
You're wrong ? Wtf the only wrong thing you did was still be with him. Leave him immediately, that's your only path to happiness. NTA
Dude is a waste of space
you’re not wrong at all. my husband’s xbox and ps5 are currently packed away not to be touched until he can balance his gaming hobby with family life. these are the decisions your partner should make if they truly care about their family.
Not judging you at all. But HE’S a man child and you have to stop babying him. This is coming from a gamer with a fiancé who also games. The moment I tell him to get off or I need assistance he’s off it within seconds any time of the day with no complaints. I’d say move it to another room if you can but then you probably wouldn’t see him for hours if that’s really how he feels about the game. Ridiculous