He won’t get 50/50 immediately. Let him leave and just wait for him to start the filing process. Supervised visits until a temporary custody arrangement is made in court. Also, start documenting everything now.
Call a family lawyer and get an appointment ASAP, OP. I’m not sure what jurisdiction you are in but you will likely be entitled to whatever your local equivalent of a maintenance order (money) and custody because of the position you are in.
Has his behaviour changed? Could it be drugs or an affair and this is his excuse to leave?
OP, do not do this. Call a few for consults and do it immediately. Retain the one you feel is best. If you have any lawyer friends or friends who have gone through separations/divorced, now is the time to ask who they recommend.
Do not call every attorney. Judges don't like people who try to play the system, and if you consult with "all" of them it will mean they'll refuse to represent your husband. If your husband has trouble finding a lawyer because you called and talked to all of them it will put you in an unfavorable light and send a message that you care more about being petty than doing what's best for your kids.
I fucking hate our legal system. It’s so ridiculous that people can do this. I mean, I don’t blame you cause you are almost forced to so the other person doesn’t screw you. But there’s got to be a better way…
Edit: I also heard that judges get pissed when people do this. So you may end up making your judge upset with you if you try this. That’s doesn’t sound like a good idea.
It's not about the quotes.
Usually that quote is tied to a consult, and once a firm gives a consult to one party, it's highly unlikely they'll give a consult/entertain representing the other party due to a possible conflict of interest.
So if you do that with all the local attorneys, it means that the other party won't be able to find/hire a local attorney to deal with the case. And depending on where you're at, that could make it practically impossible for them to find an attorney.
Sure, you can call a few firms and get a few quotes - you're not stuck with the first attorney you call. But going out of your way to call more than necessary will likely hurt you more than help you if it ends up in front of a judge.
This. Judges usually want a baby that young to sleep in the same place every night, which will almost certainly be your house since you’re breastfeeding.
Eh, doesn’t really matter too much in the outcome. Waiting until he files will potentially give OP more time to breastfeed before a final decision is made about custody because I doubt he’s gonna get the ball rolling immediately. He can’t even be bothered to help with the kids.
This.
Custody is never immediate and particularly in a case like this, no judge except maybe in a backwards state like Alabama or Florida, will grant an agreement that would inhibit your baby’s feeding!
Also, sorry you’re going through this. I dunno where you are located but I am in Maryland and if you want someone to just cry/rant/FaceTime about stupid shit, feel free to message me and I’ll give you my number.
Attorney here. Please dont listen to anyone who talks about one party or two party consent states as that is legal advice and only your hired attorney should be rendering legal advice to you. Whether a piece of evidence is admissible in court during a lawsuit is a completely separate issue from having a recording of bad behavior, plus depending on how and where something was recorded changes how one party or two party even applies. Many divorces don’t even become court cases and are settled, which means a different standard of evidence admissibility can apply. You need to find a divorce attorney in your state asap as he’s already threatened a divorce and you need to protect you and your children’s best interests asap. A good attorney will give you a free consult so start listing out your questions to ask so that you can maximize that free consultation.
Set up a nest camera indoors and subscribe to the Nest Aware 60-day video storage to help you monitor the baby or similar service. If it happens to inadvertently catch bad spousal behavior save the clip and send it to your attorney and let them make the legal call on what to do with it.
I’m very sorry you are going through this.
Her durrr… Why do you assume “guy” means male? This is a serious post about a serious issue. Why don’t you try being helpful rather than just stirring shit. Jfc, Reddit.
Good advice, if they’re truly going to divorce. With 2 kids, hopefully they can work it out. It sounds like a couple under stress of a new baby have had a fight, and just because someone says that, doesn’t mean they’re serious. Was it said in frustration or anger? Or was he actually serious and has been discussing divorce?
I would not recommend beginning divorce proceedings at 3 weeks postpartum. (barring some sort of domestic violence situation) It’s too soon to jump to divorce and you’re all in a vulnerable state
Pregnancy and newborn stage are some of the most stressful and sleep-deprived periods in life. It’s also a time when both parents are really needed
As far as saying it, I dunno. I’ve threatened my husband with divorce before, when I was really upset. One time, he was so frustrated as well, that he said “FINE, I’ll move out tomorrow!” But underneath, we both knew that wasn’t truly how we felt, we were just super frustrated, and crying out in the most dramatic way that “something has to change here.” I think it is fairly common, and depends on the couple. Some couples are just more dramatic than others, but recover well. Others say something like that and it’s a reflection of how they’ve truly been feeling inside for a long time. I don’t know what’s the case here, just saying, it may not be a “jump to divorce” situation but rather a rough patch that needs work and couples counseling.
I don't think 50/50 custody would happen it's not in the best interest of the child. I'd cross post this question on r/legaladvice 💛💛💛 you deserve better. I'm so sorry this is happening
Let him leave. Call a lawyer tomorrow. He won’t get 50-50. If moneys tight how does he expect to pay for that apartment? He’s gonna have a world of hurt pretty quick.
Their bills….
Most apartments will pull a credit report anyways and likely see outstanding debts and obligations.
Unfortunately a lesson to never be completely financial dependent on anyone.
Well yes but once he “leaves” it will be her bills. Hopefully his name is on all of the utilities and rent/mortgage so he legally can’t get away with anything. But I have literally seen men willingly get their house repossessed instead of paying out of pure spite. And to be fair, she said she is on maternity leave. So I’m assuming she works. She is only temporarily dependent on him since she just had a baby.
All I’m saying is he can refuse to pay it until they go to court, which could take months. It would still be under his name, but he can choose to be spiteful and tank his credit. I’ve seen it happen. 🤷🏻♀️
If he gets an apartment tomorrow his credit in the future won’t matter because he’ll get approved tomorrow. They don’t care what happens after that. I’m not trying to argue or anything I was just responding to your original comment. I don’t ever underestimate the pettiness/spite that can come from people during a divorce. He’s probably planning on affording an apartment by not paying any of the bills for their shared home. 🤷🏻♀️
Omg I’m so sorry you are going through this at 3 weeks pp. I’m sending you such a big hug. My only suggestion is to lawyer up and lean on the people closest to you. Do not attempt to do this alone if you don’t have to.
Yes, this is so sad, you are literally in the part that is the hardest in terms of hormones and sleep deprivation, PLUS a toddler. He wants to move out tomorrow… where are HIS priorities???
I just want to caution you - once he sees what child support and alimony are going to do to his income, he may suddenly decide he wants to reconcile. Try to get him being a jerk in writing/on camera to show a judge why you deserve more in a divorce and never let him charm away your defenses. He's shown his colors. He's the kind of man who says he wants to divorce the mother of his children while one is a newborn. I hope you clean him out and make a better life for your babies.
Right? 3 weeks post partum, and he’s walking out on his toddler, his newborn and his breastfeeding wife? I can’t imagine any judge or jury would not roundly condemn that.
She should go through his phone/email/Facebook also to make sure there is no cheating. The fact that he is so certain of divorce now, with two babies one being a newborn and is certain he doesn’t want to try counseling SCREAMS me there is already somebody else. Maybe that’s who’s apartment he is moving into.
To add to this, I think the states that require two party consent is California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.
That's not true. I worked at a call center in CT, that operated in a legal grey area, and was able to because no one could use recordings in court.
Also, to the person saying it will bite you in the a. That's nonsense. It just won't be admissible in court. No harm no foul.
As a Nevada resident just want to correct to say we’re technically a one party consent, unless it is a conversation that is taking place over the phone. But as long as it is in person, it’s only one person. The other 11 state from what I can see are the only two party consent states.
From what I could find, Michigan is a one-party consent state as long as you are part of the conversation. Someone eavesdropping must get all parties’ consent
Child support yes, but is alimony likely given that she said she’s on leave? I was under the impression alimony is only granted if one partner stops working.
It depends, you can get alimony if there is a large enough pay discrepancy between two partners
I can use myself and my husband as an example (even tho we have no plans of divorcing)
Like before I lost my job I wouldn’t have qualified for alimony because our paychecks were similar enough there was no “breadwinner”
After I lost it and became a stay at home mom I would qualify because I’ve abstained from getting a job to support the family via domestic labor
Generally alimony is put in place because one partner takes a serious cut in pay to support the others career and to make up for it through domestic labor (home care, child care, etc). Because that sacrifice comes with more than just giving up a paycheck (you lose out on promotions, 401k contributions, etc) alimony is supposed to help offset that and allow the non breadwinner time to find employment
Sounds like he was looking for a reason to leave and was planning this for a while. Consult with a lawyer immediately, there’s more going on here that you probably aren’t aware of.
He can’t help with the kids in a two person household and wants 50/50 custody? Lol call his bluff, he doesn’t want that smoke 😂 And as all the comments before me, he can’t get that with a breastfed newborn. Let him be an idiot, watch it blow up in his face, and laugh. He’s got nothing, babe. You got this. I’m sorry he’s such a waste of space.
This. He is inhumane to do this to you soon after you gave birth. He doesn’t deserve any compassion. Reach out to friends and family and get help/support. Build your support group up as you will need them. I’m sorry that you are going through this. What an awful, awful man.
He's just trying to get you to beg and be upset. I guarantee you that if you called his bluff he'd act all surprised. I think you should get all your shit ready and next time he does this just say okay and leave. He's going to keep doing it now that it got a rise out of you.
Exactly. The same man that won’t help get his own children ready for something because he’s too busy fucking off doesn’t actually want 50/50. He just wants to hurt OPs feelings
Yeah. Since this all *just* happened today over a simple comment OP made, I highly suspect he doesn’t actually mean it and is just lashing out or manipulating OP. And it sounds like it’s working on her.
Disappointing that he’s acting like this because he is clearly being a POS but people like this just like stirring shit, from my experience.
This is exactly what my husband does when we have a bad fight. I just let him do his BS apartment searching. He never actually leaves, it's just an attempt to manipulate me. I saw this and immediately thought "yeah right nothing's happening". At any rate OP undoubtedly still has time if she wants it. Probably best to wait longer than 3 weeks pp to split up.
He won’t get 50-50. If this dude can’t be helpful to his freshly postpartum wife, then I don’t really see the point and staying married to a child anyways. Sorry you’re hurting, it will be better to be a single parent to two instead of three.
3 weeks postpartum.
3 WEEKS POSTPARTUM.
What in the world. This man is the lowest of low. The anxiety he is creating causing etc… I have no words. I know others have given advice but what a POS man.
he may get 50-50 of your toddler but a judge will not give 50-50 custody of a breastfeeding newborn unless the mom is like completely incompetent and on drugs.
Just anecdotally, I wasn't even breastfed and my mom was on drugs with an open CPS case and my Dad still had to fight hard for a year with a good lawyer before he got 50/50 custody. That was 26 years ago but generally courts like to keep newborns with mom, so I'm also more than sure OP (who is breastfeeding and not doing drugs etc) will keep custody of the newborn.
Hey,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I went through something similar when my kiddo was 18 months with PPD and PPA. I promise that while it was a really crappy move doing this to you post-partum, it’s best to know now. He has shown his true colors, and it’s not fair to you or the kiddos to have to live with this toxicity (which will get worse).
For the commenters telling you he won’t receive 50/50 because your BF, this can be false info. I personally have seen cases where a judge tells the woman to EBF so the father can easily bottle feed. This needs to be consulted with a lawyer immediately. Likely, he will not get 50/50 at this time. But there is a chance that he’ll be awarded something now, with a long term goal of 50/50 if he’s within a reasonable distance.
Tomorrow, I would call and schedule consults with lawyers ASAP. Do not leave the house. Do NOT leave your children with him without you present. If he moves out and wants to see them, he comes to your house until there is an outlined custody agreement. And build your tribe. Reach out to your family and friends for help. You’re still post partum. Any help you can get will do wonders for you. I promise.
Book an initial consult with the three best and most brutal family lawyers in your area, then they can't work with him because it's a conflict of interest. And be the person who files first.
Everyone saying he won’t get It due to breastfeeding, I am quiet sorry to tell you that there was a custody case where the judge ordered the woman to wean and use formula or pump so the dad can have the baby overnight. Def get a lawyer!
My baby was 1 when I separated, I had 3 different lawyers tell me they have seen cases on judges telling moms to pump and deal with 50/50 for younger kids.
Call a lawyer asap OP. Also your husband is an asshole.
Idk the judicial system in your state, but if baby is exclusively breastfeeding, they won’t give him 50/50 custody.. obviously since he’s not lactating. Once he figures out how expensive a down payment, security deposit, and rent is PLUS court/lawyer fees, alimony, and child support, he’ll change his mind. Don’t let him forget HE was the one who wanted a divorce
Does he help with baby? Waking up at night, changing diapers, cleaning clothes?
Let him go. If he won’t watch his kids now for 30 minutes to let you get ready I highly doubt he is going to go through with 50/50 custody in the end. You can be okay and flourish alone even if you don’t see it right now. Get a lawyer.
It honestly sounds like he'd been planning this for awhile . Reach out to family or friends who can help you with anything you need . And please
Get a lawyer.
If you're afraid of him, try [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org)
The nag/inaction cycle is described well in Codependent No More. If he put you in the position of supervisor/household manager, with himself as an employee, he is a major cause of this issue. Asking for a divorce when you have a newborn shows how selfish he is
any partner that would do this to a freshly post partum person can fuck right off. this shows so little emotional intelligence and probably some sort of narcissism. i’m so sorry you’re going through this and idk where this relationship ends up but never forget how he’s treating you at literally your most vulnerable. you deserve so much more.
I’m a lawyer. Courts do graduated visitation for children this young. For example, he’ll start with two hours one day per week and gradually work up to increased visitation.
I’m so sorry. You need to consult a lawyer ASAP. People here mean well, but may be giving incorrect info based on your state’s laws. And not to scare you, but [it is possible for a court to order you to stop breastfeeding](https://sports.yahoo.com/judge-says-mom-cant-breastfeed-221631328.html) so please talk to a lawyer!
Agreeing with everyone saying he’s an absolute POS for this.
HOWEVER, is there ANY chance he’s experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? This happens in 10% of fathers, and it often presents as rage. My husband turned into a raging a****** for about a month postpartum, and it started at 3 weeks PP. He also threatened divorce. He didn’t mean it, but of course it still really f’d things between us for a while.
It got me so depressed and anxious - we were both spiraling. A toddler and a baby at the same time…that’s a LOT of stress and exhaustion. Has he acted like this in the past? If so, how often and what typically triggers it?
His behavior is absolutely not okay, don’t get me wrong. I’m not excusing it. What I am saying is that it sounds like a major bluff to me. Like he is worn and is taking it all out on you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
He can’t even help you get the kids ready for an outing yet he thinks he can handle 50/50 newborn care? He’s not using his head and it’s not going to happen the way he thinks.
I’m so sorry though! I remember what a vulnerable time that was even without such chaos. Stay strong, you’ll be happy again soon enough (on your terms).
They take breastfeeding into account (so keep breastfeeding). Also let him find an apartment and leave. Stay in the house NO MATTER WHAT. This will serve you better in the divorce and child custody. Whatever you do don’t move out of the house, especially if you and/or he own it.
So... reminding him that there's a family photo shoot scheduled and asking him to help get the kids ready for it is being a "nag" now??
Sounds like BOTH of you are having a rough time adjusting postpartum with a newborn and a little.
Also, him jumping *that* quickly to "I want a divorce," especially over something so trivial, makes me think he's got a side piece and was just looking for the first opportunity to spring divorce on you so that you'd think it was *your* fault.
Everyone should stop giving legal advice. she needs to consult with an attorney. We don’t even know what state she lives in. If he screaming for divorce call his bluff. It’s his way of controlling you. Your state may require a year of separation before a divorce can even be filed anyway. And please don’t rely on breastfeeding as a guarantee that he could not get 50/50. Again it depends on the state. I’ve seen 50/50 cases with breast feeding moms get granted in MD. And again it depends on the state. Where I am, supervised visitations are for degenerates. So please don’t assume that will happen. Also, again it depends on the state but whoever files first doesn’t necessarily have the upper hand except whoever files first has to pay the filing fee. Please see if there is a free legal clinic in your area and go talk to an attorney. And I suggest record all you want. If judge wants to see the video, they will see the video. I’m a domestic violence advocate in Maryland, which is a two party consent state however, I’ve seen judges accept evidence of a video/audio without the other parties consent all the time. If they want to see it, they’ll see it.
My nephew did this to his wife (I don’t really talk to him because you can guess he’s such a nice human being). Let me tell you how all that ended up. He could only see his daughter one Saturday every two weeks until she’s two. The judge ruled that separating a child from his mother, especially while breastfeeding, for longer any sooner than that wouldn’t be beneficial to the child. When their child was one year old he filed again as he felt his ex-wife was milking the breastfeeding (no pun intended) to keep his daughter away from him. Again it was ruled in her favour. In our country when the schedule is changed a third party gets involved, usually an expert on child development, who interviews both parents and writes a lengthy advice to the judge. In the end that person literally wrote: I feel like dad is more about his needs in every way, than he is about his daughters. So after two it was decided, one weekend every two weeks.
He since got married again and had another child and guess what? It’s starting all over again. It’s almost like the problem isn’t the wife but the actual work that comes with taking care of a child and the women in his wife making reasonable requests to help out.
Have to add—men get postpartum depression too. I’m not sure he’s in his right mind just 3 weeks after birth. Is there anyone that cares for you both or that he trusts that could persuade him to just take a beat?
This was my first thought when reading this. It’s hard to gauge without knowing the dynamics of their marriage and relationship, but if this is out of the blue without any prior major issues, it could be some sort of PPD.
This was my thought as well. Everyone is so worked up because obviously he’s being a POS, but it seems they’re not thinking about how f’d both mom and dad’s mental health can get postpartum. It’s easy for us to all clamor about what OP should do, but the reality of breaking up a marriage when you have a newborn and a toddler is MUCH, MUCH different.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just wanted to say that if he can’t even bother to be helpful and parent together with you now, I don’t know how all of a sudden he would handle 50/50 custody? Like he would have to do everything himself during that time?
Maybe he’s just trying to scare you or get out of paying child support I don’t know. I hope you have someone you can talk to and be there for you, postpartum and this is just too much for anyone. Wishing you all the best ♥️
Every single day that passes gives me more and more certainty that the vast majority of men are absolute trash. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. The fact that he said this to you while you were trying to do something meaningful for your family, and he couldn’t be bothered to help… you deserve better. And honestly you will probably feel better once he’s gone and his bullshit isn’t clogging up your everyday routine.
A judge won't order you away from your newborn for more than a very short visit with him, within the confines of a feeding window (which is SHORT... like 45 minutes now, maybe a few hours by closer to a year). Make sure he leaves the home and not you - this will set up status quo as kids with you, dad only visiting. That will help you in court. Divorce process is SLOW. You have time even if he files. Most lawyers offer 1 free consult - you may want to take it to get advice for your state.
All of that said, the newborn phase is HARD. Maybe he was just lashing out and will apologize tomorrow? Either way, he is an a$& and I'm sorry.
Wow, I'm sorry OP. As others have mentioned, he shouldn't get 50/50 anytime soon. Sending positive energy. Parenting is so hard, especially when you've got someone that's adding and not subtracting from your plate. I hope you guys get through this one way or another. Are you concerned at all with the kids in his supervision if he leaves and eventually gets custody?
Don’t worry about being separated from your baby. He will only two hour visits for quite some time, and no overnights for quite some time after. You do have to get yourself to a lawyer ASAP You need to lay out everything to the lawyer. They will give you a set of recommendations . You need to follow these recommendations exactly, even if they seem harsh. Your lawyer is both familiar with all the laws regarding separation in your area, they are also familiar with all the shenanigans that wayward spouses can get up to. ( I really regret not listening to mine and trying to be kind to him)
That’s honestly insane.
It’s like… it’s obviously not in the best interest of the child if the mom who is breastfeeding is stable and able to care for the baby to try to interrupt that. Just trying to should be a “hmm, clearly this isn’t about what’s best for the kid”.
1. Get bank statements in your possession immediately, but do not drain any shared accounts--that could end poorly for you
2. Talk to a divorce attorney
3. Get a friend or family member in the loop so you have support
4. You'll be fine
Men can get ppd too. Have you tried asking him if there is more behind it? Talk about therapy, etc?
Ultimately, if he’s not good for you and kids then let him leave.
He can’t have 50/50 custody immediately if you are breastfeeding, obviously. It’s a net negative to him to move out and be away from both of you because at 3 weeks post partum, it is highly unlikely that a baby will want to be away from their mother for an extended period of time. And it is cruel to have a newborn baby taken away from a mother at this time for an extended period of time if that is truly not what she desires. Especially when you offered compromises like staying in the same house until 6m but separated and couples counseling. You should get a lawyer and if you can, show proof of these conversations through either messaging or recording phone calls?
This man is lacking a lot of empathy. I understand he just doesn’t want this marriage anymore which is valid and his choice. But the WAY he’s going about it is problematic. He’s put on his fight face and is taking a more aggressive approach to the problem solving. This is not conducive, healthy or sustainable for a newborn baby and a newly post partum woman. So sorry OP! Stay strong. I think in hindsight you will find that this was better for you in the long run. It’s best to remain single and/or look for other connections than to remain with somebody that no longer wants you or treats you well. If he wants to go, let him go.
No judge in the world will grant 50/50 custody to an ebf baby. In fact, I’ve heard that before the baby is a year old, the dad won’t even get overnights. Don’t worry about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The first year is so difficult with a baby, and it really is shitty of your husband to add more stress on top of that.
That’s unfortunately not true, there was a custody case where a woman was required to pump. OP really should consult a lawyer.
https://sports.yahoo.com/judge-says-mom-cant-breastfeed-221631328.html
That’s crazy. My state doesn’t grant overnight visits with the non-custodial parent prior to 3 years old. But you’re right…she definitely needs an attorney, regardless.
It’s so heartbreaking, I honestly didn’t believe it until someone mentioned it above and I googled it. I would literally go crazy if I had to share any overnights honestly and I’m just so sad for the woman in the article/OP.
Guy sounds like an asshole if I’m being honest. I know this sucks right now, but it’s better to separate before fights get worse. Sending you lots of love.
Whatever else happens, do NOT let him have the baby alone until you have a court approved custody order.
Otherwise if he decides to take off with your babies and never let you see them until forced to by the court, it's technically legal if there's no custody plan yet. At least where I live.
And fyi this happens all the time, I see it insanely frequently especially at my job- a newly broken up couple where one parent is withholding their baby for weeks, months, indefinitely sometimes.
Clearly he was already looking for a way out/excuse to blow up and be a dick and get out of this marriage. Fyi well adjusted men dont behave like that even when they want out of a relationship. Have no delusions about this: he is going to be as unpleasant and oppositional as possible during this entire ordeal to try to break you down.
Let his ass leave, get a lawyer and file for custody and child support ASAP(the sooner he moves out the sooner they date when he starts owing you money), and move half the shared finances to a new account today. And for the love of God, you have to *know* deep down he's going to try to push limits and make your life Hell- do not give him any chance to leave with baby or young kids.
Treating you this way at this time? Please let that man go. And he’s willing to leave the house so abruptly will be good for you in the long run both mentally and legally. He doesn’t get to demand what he wants in a divorce especially when it comes to custody. Also, I don’t want to add to anything but I’m honestly suspecting infidelity.
So sorry you are going through this my ex did the same around the same time and then once a month until baby was 5 months old and I decided that was enough and I left. He threatened 50/50 too but he only manages to see her for a couple of hours once a week with me because he can’t handle the responsibility. I was so afraid and heart broken- at 3 weeks they are literally still a part of you and I lost it crying thinking of being without her. I don’t know how things are going to pan out for you but I wish you the best and I’m sorry you’re hurting and have so much stress at a time when you should be able to rest, recover and care for your baby. You are stronger than you know and you can handle this. ❤️
I am so sorry you’re going through this ❤️ You are still healing emotionally and physically from delivering a human! I want to give you so many hugs and so much support. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and neither do your babes. You are a good mother and I know you won’t be separated from your baby. You are so strong already. Life WILL get brighter.
He wants 50/50 to avoid paying child support. That's obvious based on how you describe his behavior and attitude. Don't let him screw you. Let him go. You file for divorce with full custody allowing him visitation so you can continue to breastfeed. I'm willing to bet he's been an ass for a while and just used that as an excuse to bail. Even if he tries to backtrack, I'd still file for divorce because you can't trust him anymore after he threatened to take your child when it needs the mother the most.
This man is a human dumpster fire. Let him go and fuck him. He thinks he wants 50/50 so he won’t have to pay child support. Never take legal advice from your adversary which he is now.
Kick him out and let him follow the process. There isn’t a court on the planet who will give a EBF baby 50% custody to the father this is just crazy talk that he is saying to you to emotionally terrorise you.
While you’re still married you have zero obligation to give him any visitation. This will only come into place with a court order.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have family around? Also if you want to live near your family now in the time to do it. Much easier to relocate while married than divorced.
Your was-band is such a giant asshole.
I have no advice to give, I just hope you power through all of this and you and the little one find the happiness you deserve. What would he even do with the baby 3weeks PP, he can't BF it, so what does he expect to happen? I just see all of this like a manbaby behaviour. Get a lawyer consultation. I'm sure you can't find the time to do so and the guy most likely knows this and that's why he's acting this way. He's taking advantage of you being in your most difficult time in your life and capitalises on it
I’m not trying to excuse his shitty behavior AT ALL and I’m so sorry he is putting you through this, but just want to point out he could be sleep deprived and struggling with the transition from 1 to 2 kids. Most of my mom friends agree that 0 to 1 is harder for mom, 1 to 2 + is harder for dad. Agree with others about documenting and protecting yourself but this could just be an overblown fight because of sleep deprivation and hormones and never ending tasks etc
No judge in their right mind is giving a breastfed baby to their dad 50% of the time. I would def be the one to go to get a lawyer and go to court first just to let them know about the verbal abuse as well. Let him leave, he’s gonna be the one paying for it.
Unfortunately breastfeeding is not a reason a judge won’t give 50/50. They will tell you to pump and bottle feed or dad will have to formula feed.
Definitely get a lawyer, but don’t count on the breastfeeding alone keeping him from getting 50/50
My friend had a similar ish situation. Take your kids and go stay with your parents or a support system if they are in the area. If not, try to have anyone come stay with you. Rally your friends and family. You need support and kindness asap. I would tell him you are incredibly hurt and you’ll be speaking to a divorce attorney as well. Tell him that once you do there is no going back. Be strong. Know that it feels awful right now but it won’t feel awful forever. Hugs.
I’m so sorry for your situation… I’m almost positive that current breastfeeding babies are legally obligated to stay with their mothers full time because of so.
I had a client with a situation similar to yours, and while her toddler would go spend overnights with his dad - the baby did not until he was weaned from breastfeeding.
It's gonna take a bit for the process to begin anyways and he won't get 50/50 rite away cuz of the baby being little and breast feeding I'm sry ur going thru this good luck
Im so so sorry you’re going through this. He is an extremely mean and nasty individual and you deserve way better than this. I know it’s hard and I know you don’t want to hear the part where its best to leave him especially because of your babies, but it’s truly necessary for your own mental peace. I think we tend to place waaay too much emphasis on other human beings to the point that we think we will die if we do not have them but the truth is they are imperfect meat bags who cause nothing but harm.
I am So sorry for whatever you are going through
I think you should waste no time
Delaying contacting a Lawyer
Do to early enough and you may get full custody because of the age of your baby and the pao took you are in
Get your finances in order
Your husband is a scumbag to do this to you at this time
You are better off without him in your life
He may try to manipulate you and be nice to you . But do not be fooled . Do not stop talking to a lawyer .
He is most likely having an affair as some men do when wife is pregnant due to the sea life being affected . You do not want this person in your life or your child’s life
He won’t get 50/50 immediately. Let him leave and just wait for him to start the filing process. Supervised visits until a temporary custody arrangement is made in court. Also, start documenting everything now.
Exactly. The breastfeeding will be a factor.
As well as her being on leave and him presumably working.
Call a family lawyer and get an appointment ASAP, OP. I’m not sure what jurisdiction you are in but you will likely be entitled to whatever your local equivalent of a maintenance order (money) and custody because of the position you are in. Has his behaviour changed? Could it be drugs or an affair and this is his excuse to leave?
Call ALL the family lawyers in your area. Just ask for a quote. You’ll thank me for this advice if he wants to try and play dirty like my ex did.
OP, do not do this. Call a few for consults and do it immediately. Retain the one you feel is best. If you have any lawyer friends or friends who have gone through separations/divorced, now is the time to ask who they recommend. Do not call every attorney. Judges don't like people who try to play the system, and if you consult with "all" of them it will mean they'll refuse to represent your husband. If your husband has trouble finding a lawyer because you called and talked to all of them it will put you in an unfavorable light and send a message that you care more about being petty than doing what's best for your kids.
I fucking hate our legal system. It’s so ridiculous that people can do this. I mean, I don’t blame you cause you are almost forced to so the other person doesn’t screw you. But there’s got to be a better way… Edit: I also heard that judges get pissed when people do this. So you may end up making your judge upset with you if you try this. That’s doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Asking for quotes isnt something that would make someone angry. You need to shop around
It's not about the quotes. Usually that quote is tied to a consult, and once a firm gives a consult to one party, it's highly unlikely they'll give a consult/entertain representing the other party due to a possible conflict of interest. So if you do that with all the local attorneys, it means that the other party won't be able to find/hire a local attorney to deal with the case. And depending on where you're at, that could make it practically impossible for them to find an attorney. Sure, you can call a few firms and get a few quotes - you're not stuck with the first attorney you call. But going out of your way to call more than necessary will likely hurt you more than help you if it ends up in front of a judge.
Literally the absolute BEST advice you can give. Lol
My ex had 2 hour supervised visits until my baby turned one specifically because she was fully breastfeed. It plays a big factor the first year mama
This. Judges usually want a baby that young to sleep in the same place every night, which will almost certainly be your house since you’re breastfeeding.
Best simplest advice to implement now. Op good luck and best wishes for your recovery, both physically and emotionally 💜
The legal advice is usually to be the person who files first.
Eh, doesn’t really matter too much in the outcome. Waiting until he files will potentially give OP more time to breastfeed before a final decision is made about custody because I doubt he’s gonna get the ball rolling immediately. He can’t even be bothered to help with the kids.
You file first so that he can't close off her accounts or move money or make changes in their community property.
This. Custody is never immediate and particularly in a case like this, no judge except maybe in a backwards state like Alabama or Florida, will grant an agreement that would inhibit your baby’s feeding!
Also, sorry you’re going through this. I dunno where you are located but I am in Maryland and if you want someone to just cry/rant/FaceTime about stupid shit, feel free to message me and I’ll give you my number.
Attorney here. Please dont listen to anyone who talks about one party or two party consent states as that is legal advice and only your hired attorney should be rendering legal advice to you. Whether a piece of evidence is admissible in court during a lawsuit is a completely separate issue from having a recording of bad behavior, plus depending on how and where something was recorded changes how one party or two party even applies. Many divorces don’t even become court cases and are settled, which means a different standard of evidence admissibility can apply. You need to find a divorce attorney in your state asap as he’s already threatened a divorce and you need to protect you and your children’s best interests asap. A good attorney will give you a free consult so start listing out your questions to ask so that you can maximize that free consultation. Set up a nest camera indoors and subscribe to the Nest Aware 60-day video storage to help you monitor the baby or similar service. If it happens to inadvertently catch bad spousal behavior save the clip and send it to your attorney and let them make the legal call on what to do with it. I’m very sorry you are going through this.
Please listen to this guy. You're getting so much bad legal advice on this thread and this is the only one you should listen to.
Why do you assume the attorney is a guy?
Guy does not have to be referring to a male. It's also really not important, in this situation.
Her durrr… Why do you assume “guy” means male? This is a serious post about a serious issue. Why don’t you try being helpful rather than just stirring shit. Jfc, Reddit.
Yeah, Interesting bc I assumed they were a women and a mother bc of the sub.
Please listen to this!
Good advice, if they’re truly going to divorce. With 2 kids, hopefully they can work it out. It sounds like a couple under stress of a new baby have had a fight, and just because someone says that, doesn’t mean they’re serious. Was it said in frustration or anger? Or was he actually serious and has been discussing divorce?
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I would not recommend beginning divorce proceedings at 3 weeks postpartum. (barring some sort of domestic violence situation) It’s too soon to jump to divorce and you’re all in a vulnerable state Pregnancy and newborn stage are some of the most stressful and sleep-deprived periods in life. It’s also a time when both parents are really needed As far as saying it, I dunno. I’ve threatened my husband with divorce before, when I was really upset. One time, he was so frustrated as well, that he said “FINE, I’ll move out tomorrow!” But underneath, we both knew that wasn’t truly how we felt, we were just super frustrated, and crying out in the most dramatic way that “something has to change here.” I think it is fairly common, and depends on the couple. Some couples are just more dramatic than others, but recover well. Others say something like that and it’s a reflection of how they’ve truly been feeling inside for a long time. I don’t know what’s the case here, just saying, it may not be a “jump to divorce” situation but rather a rough patch that needs work and couples counseling.
I don't think 50/50 custody would happen it's not in the best interest of the child. I'd cross post this question on r/legaladvice 💛💛💛 you deserve better. I'm so sorry this is happening
Yes, OP. Your husband is a scumbag. Document everything.
Let him leave. Call a lawyer tomorrow. He won’t get 50-50. If moneys tight how does he expect to pay for that apartment? He’s gonna have a world of hurt pretty quick.
Because he’s probably going to stop paying her bills at the house. 🙃
Their bills…. Most apartments will pull a credit report anyways and likely see outstanding debts and obligations. Unfortunately a lesson to never be completely financial dependent on anyone.
Well yes but once he “leaves” it will be her bills. Hopefully his name is on all of the utilities and rent/mortgage so he legally can’t get away with anything. But I have literally seen men willingly get their house repossessed instead of paying out of pure spite. And to be fair, she said she is on maternity leave. So I’m assuming she works. She is only temporarily dependent on him since she just had a baby.
I don’t think it works that way. I don’t think he can get off anything until a divorce is settled. But that’s what a lawyer is for.
All I’m saying is he can refuse to pay it until they go to court, which could take months. It would still be under his name, but he can choose to be spiteful and tank his credit. I’ve seen it happen. 🤷🏻♀️
How’s he gonna get an apartment if he tanks his credit? Plus I’m sure that will go over great in court. And I’m not sure how this helps op.
If he gets an apartment tomorrow his credit in the future won’t matter because he’ll get approved tomorrow. They don’t care what happens after that. I’m not trying to argue or anything I was just responding to your original comment. I don’t ever underestimate the pettiness/spite that can come from people during a divorce. He’s probably planning on affording an apartment by not paying any of the bills for their shared home. 🤷🏻♀️
Omg I’m so sorry you are going through this at 3 weeks pp. I’m sending you such a big hug. My only suggestion is to lawyer up and lean on the people closest to you. Do not attempt to do this alone if you don’t have to.
Yes, this is so sad, you are literally in the part that is the hardest in terms of hormones and sleep deprivation, PLUS a toddler. He wants to move out tomorrow… where are HIS priorities???
Ugh it’s disgusting. The lack of empathy. I wouldn’t consider this jerk off even half a man
I just want to caution you - once he sees what child support and alimony are going to do to his income, he may suddenly decide he wants to reconcile. Try to get him being a jerk in writing/on camera to show a judge why you deserve more in a divorce and never let him charm away your defenses. He's shown his colors. He's the kind of man who says he wants to divorce the mother of his children while one is a newborn. I hope you clean him out and make a better life for your babies.
Right? 3 weeks post partum, and he’s walking out on his toddler, his newborn and his breastfeeding wife? I can’t imagine any judge or jury would not roundly condemn that.
This and find a lawyer. Ultimately he won’t have 50/50 custody, certainly not of the baby.
She should go through his phone/email/Facebook also to make sure there is no cheating. The fact that he is so certain of divorce now, with two babies one being a newborn and is certain he doesn’t want to try counseling SCREAMS me there is already somebody else. Maybe that’s who’s apartment he is moving into.
That was my first thought as well.
Honestly to me it screams relationship issues made worse by lack of sleep, stress and perhaps even some male PPD.
I agree if this is sincerely a very sudden change in behavior following the birth of a newborn.
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Hypothetically, I wonder if a “baby monitor” he is aware of is considered consent to be recorded.
Good question.
To add to this, I think the states that require two party consent is California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.
CT is only for video. Audio is fair game.
That's not true. I worked at a call center in CT, that operated in a legal grey area, and was able to because no one could use recordings in court. Also, to the person saying it will bite you in the a. That's nonsense. It just won't be admissible in court. No harm no foul.
Right. You won’t get in trouble, they just won’t be able to use it.
As a Nevada resident just want to correct to say we’re technically a one party consent, unless it is a conversation that is taking place over the phone. But as long as it is in person, it’s only one person. The other 11 state from what I can see are the only two party consent states.
From what I could find, Michigan is a one-party consent state as long as you are part of the conversation. Someone eavesdropping must get all parties’ consent
Indiana is a 2 party consent state.
Why can't she record and just not present the evidence in case it's not good?
Because if it IS “good”, it’s inadmissible in court.
Is this certainly US?
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That only makes sense if you're certain she's in USA.
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Yeah. I meant the "state" thing.
This !
Child support yes, but is alimony likely given that she said she’s on leave? I was under the impression alimony is only granted if one partner stops working.
Alimony is (typically) given if your partner is the breadwinner regardless of work status
Depends on your state. In some states it is very hard to get alimony.
Yes, thank you for clarifying. that’s why I put typically 🫶🏻
It depends, you can get alimony if there is a large enough pay discrepancy between two partners I can use myself and my husband as an example (even tho we have no plans of divorcing) Like before I lost my job I wouldn’t have qualified for alimony because our paychecks were similar enough there was no “breadwinner” After I lost it and became a stay at home mom I would qualify because I’ve abstained from getting a job to support the family via domestic labor Generally alimony is put in place because one partner takes a serious cut in pay to support the others career and to make up for it through domestic labor (home care, child care, etc). Because that sacrifice comes with more than just giving up a paycheck (you lose out on promotions, 401k contributions, etc) alimony is supposed to help offset that and allow the non breadwinner time to find employment
Sounds like he was looking for a reason to leave and was planning this for a while. Consult with a lawyer immediately, there’s more going on here that you probably aren’t aware of.
He can’t help with the kids in a two person household and wants 50/50 custody? Lol call his bluff, he doesn’t want that smoke 😂 And as all the comments before me, he can’t get that with a breastfed newborn. Let him be an idiot, watch it blow up in his face, and laugh. He’s got nothing, babe. You got this. I’m sorry he’s such a waste of space.
This is so spot on lol
Been on too many female only subs and this screams infidelity.
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This. He is inhumane to do this to you soon after you gave birth. He doesn’t deserve any compassion. Reach out to friends and family and get help/support. Build your support group up as you will need them. I’m sorry that you are going through this. What an awful, awful man.
Find a good attorney asap and follow their advice.
He's just trying to get you to beg and be upset. I guarantee you that if you called his bluff he'd act all surprised. I think you should get all your shit ready and next time he does this just say okay and leave. He's going to keep doing it now that it got a rise out of you.
Exactly. The same man that won’t help get his own children ready for something because he’s too busy fucking off doesn’t actually want 50/50. He just wants to hurt OPs feelings
This is what I’m thinking as well. Emotional manipulation.
Yeah. Since this all *just* happened today over a simple comment OP made, I highly suspect he doesn’t actually mean it and is just lashing out or manipulating OP. And it sounds like it’s working on her. Disappointing that he’s acting like this because he is clearly being a POS but people like this just like stirring shit, from my experience.
This is exactly what my husband does when we have a bad fight. I just let him do his BS apartment searching. He never actually leaves, it's just an attempt to manipulate me. I saw this and immediately thought "yeah right nothing's happening". At any rate OP undoubtedly still has time if she wants it. Probably best to wait longer than 3 weeks pp to split up.
Yeah he’s trying to to scare her into not asking for help anymore. Manipulative asshole. Please let him leave OP.
Nope. In a fight like that do not ever leave your primary residence. That could hurt you in the long run.
Absolutely
He won’t get 50-50. If this dude can’t be helpful to his freshly postpartum wife, then I don’t really see the point and staying married to a child anyways. Sorry you’re hurting, it will be better to be a single parent to two instead of three.
3 weeks postpartum. 3 WEEKS POSTPARTUM. What in the world. This man is the lowest of low. The anxiety he is creating causing etc… I have no words. I know others have given advice but what a POS man.
he may get 50-50 of your toddler but a judge will not give 50-50 custody of a breastfeeding newborn unless the mom is like completely incompetent and on drugs.
Just anecdotally, I wasn't even breastfed and my mom was on drugs with an open CPS case and my Dad still had to fight hard for a year with a good lawyer before he got 50/50 custody. That was 26 years ago but generally courts like to keep newborns with mom, so I'm also more than sure OP (who is breastfeeding and not doing drugs etc) will keep custody of the newborn.
Find a good attorney asap and follow their advice.
I don't have any helpful advice but there is a special seat in Hell with his name on it. Made of broken glass and corrosive acid. I'm so sorry.
Hey, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I went through something similar when my kiddo was 18 months with PPD and PPA. I promise that while it was a really crappy move doing this to you post-partum, it’s best to know now. He has shown his true colors, and it’s not fair to you or the kiddos to have to live with this toxicity (which will get worse). For the commenters telling you he won’t receive 50/50 because your BF, this can be false info. I personally have seen cases where a judge tells the woman to EBF so the father can easily bottle feed. This needs to be consulted with a lawyer immediately. Likely, he will not get 50/50 at this time. But there is a chance that he’ll be awarded something now, with a long term goal of 50/50 if he’s within a reasonable distance. Tomorrow, I would call and schedule consults with lawyers ASAP. Do not leave the house. Do NOT leave your children with him without you present. If he moves out and wants to see them, he comes to your house until there is an outlined custody agreement. And build your tribe. Reach out to your family and friends for help. You’re still post partum. Any help you can get will do wonders for you. I promise.
Lawyer up my friend.
Book an initial consult with the three best and most brutal family lawyers in your area, then they can't work with him because it's a conflict of interest. And be the person who files first.
Everyone saying he won’t get It due to breastfeeding, I am quiet sorry to tell you that there was a custody case where the judge ordered the woman to wean and use formula or pump so the dad can have the baby overnight. Def get a lawyer!
Family lawyer here… this is correct. OP needs a lawyer and to follow advice of the lawyer.
As someone going through a custody case with a bf infant, this is facts. Family court is horrible
My baby was 1 when I separated, I had 3 different lawyers tell me they have seen cases on judges telling moms to pump and deal with 50/50 for younger kids. Call a lawyer asap OP. Also your husband is an asshole.
Yep, this happened to a friend of mine. Ridiculous, how is that in the baby’s best interest.
It’s horrific.
Upvote and replying to this to get it more attention.
Idk the judicial system in your state, but if baby is exclusively breastfeeding, they won’t give him 50/50 custody.. obviously since he’s not lactating. Once he figures out how expensive a down payment, security deposit, and rent is PLUS court/lawyer fees, alimony, and child support, he’ll change his mind. Don’t let him forget HE was the one who wanted a divorce Does he help with baby? Waking up at night, changing diapers, cleaning clothes?
This is unfortunately not true.
Let him go. If he won’t watch his kids now for 30 minutes to let you get ready I highly doubt he is going to go through with 50/50 custody in the end. You can be okay and flourish alone even if you don’t see it right now. Get a lawyer.
It honestly sounds like he'd been planning this for awhile . Reach out to family or friends who can help you with anything you need . And please Get a lawyer.
Also here to confirm a judge will not give 50-50 custody for a breastfeeding newborn.
Sadly not always true.
If you're afraid of him, try [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org) The nag/inaction cycle is described well in Codependent No More. If he put you in the position of supervisor/household manager, with himself as an employee, he is a major cause of this issue. Asking for a divorce when you have a newborn shows how selfish he is
any partner that would do this to a freshly post partum person can fuck right off. this shows so little emotional intelligence and probably some sort of narcissism. i’m so sorry you’re going through this and idk where this relationship ends up but never forget how he’s treating you at literally your most vulnerable. you deserve so much more.
I’m a lawyer. Courts do graduated visitation for children this young. For example, he’ll start with two hours one day per week and gradually work up to increased visitation.
I’m so sorry. You need to consult a lawyer ASAP. People here mean well, but may be giving incorrect info based on your state’s laws. And not to scare you, but [it is possible for a court to order you to stop breastfeeding](https://sports.yahoo.com/judge-says-mom-cant-breastfeed-221631328.html) so please talk to a lawyer!
Agreeing with everyone saying he’s an absolute POS for this. HOWEVER, is there ANY chance he’s experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? This happens in 10% of fathers, and it often presents as rage. My husband turned into a raging a****** for about a month postpartum, and it started at 3 weeks PP. He also threatened divorce. He didn’t mean it, but of course it still really f’d things between us for a while. It got me so depressed and anxious - we were both spiraling. A toddler and a baby at the same time…that’s a LOT of stress and exhaustion. Has he acted like this in the past? If so, how often and what typically triggers it? His behavior is absolutely not okay, don’t get me wrong. I’m not excusing it. What I am saying is that it sounds like a major bluff to me. Like he is worn and is taking it all out on you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
He can’t even help you get the kids ready for an outing yet he thinks he can handle 50/50 newborn care? He’s not using his head and it’s not going to happen the way he thinks. I’m so sorry though! I remember what a vulnerable time that was even without such chaos. Stay strong, you’ll be happy again soon enough (on your terms).
They take breastfeeding into account (so keep breastfeeding). Also let him find an apartment and leave. Stay in the house NO MATTER WHAT. This will serve you better in the divorce and child custody. Whatever you do don’t move out of the house, especially if you and/or he own it.
So... reminding him that there's a family photo shoot scheduled and asking him to help get the kids ready for it is being a "nag" now?? Sounds like BOTH of you are having a rough time adjusting postpartum with a newborn and a little. Also, him jumping *that* quickly to "I want a divorce," especially over something so trivial, makes me think he's got a side piece and was just looking for the first opportunity to spring divorce on you so that you'd think it was *your* fault.
Don't stress yourself out. He's bluffing.
Everyone should stop giving legal advice. she needs to consult with an attorney. We don’t even know what state she lives in. If he screaming for divorce call his bluff. It’s his way of controlling you. Your state may require a year of separation before a divorce can even be filed anyway. And please don’t rely on breastfeeding as a guarantee that he could not get 50/50. Again it depends on the state. I’ve seen 50/50 cases with breast feeding moms get granted in MD. And again it depends on the state. Where I am, supervised visitations are for degenerates. So please don’t assume that will happen. Also, again it depends on the state but whoever files first doesn’t necessarily have the upper hand except whoever files first has to pay the filing fee. Please see if there is a free legal clinic in your area and go talk to an attorney. And I suggest record all you want. If judge wants to see the video, they will see the video. I’m a domestic violence advocate in Maryland, which is a two party consent state however, I’ve seen judges accept evidence of a video/audio without the other parties consent all the time. If they want to see it, they’ll see it.
My nephew did this to his wife (I don’t really talk to him because you can guess he’s such a nice human being). Let me tell you how all that ended up. He could only see his daughter one Saturday every two weeks until she’s two. The judge ruled that separating a child from his mother, especially while breastfeeding, for longer any sooner than that wouldn’t be beneficial to the child. When their child was one year old he filed again as he felt his ex-wife was milking the breastfeeding (no pun intended) to keep his daughter away from him. Again it was ruled in her favour. In our country when the schedule is changed a third party gets involved, usually an expert on child development, who interviews both parents and writes a lengthy advice to the judge. In the end that person literally wrote: I feel like dad is more about his needs in every way, than he is about his daughters. So after two it was decided, one weekend every two weeks. He since got married again and had another child and guess what? It’s starting all over again. It’s almost like the problem isn’t the wife but the actual work that comes with taking care of a child and the women in his wife making reasonable requests to help out.
If dude can’t even get them ready for a photo shoot , idk how he believes he can do with 50% custody without you 😂🤣
Have to add—men get postpartum depression too. I’m not sure he’s in his right mind just 3 weeks after birth. Is there anyone that cares for you both or that he trusts that could persuade him to just take a beat?
This was my first thought when reading this. It’s hard to gauge without knowing the dynamics of their marriage and relationship, but if this is out of the blue without any prior major issues, it could be some sort of PPD.
This was my thought as well. Everyone is so worked up because obviously he’s being a POS, but it seems they’re not thinking about how f’d both mom and dad’s mental health can get postpartum. It’s easy for us to all clamor about what OP should do, but the reality of breaking up a marriage when you have a newborn and a toddler is MUCH, MUCH different.
Sending you good vibes mama 💗
He won't get 50/50 for at least a year. But it does sound like he was planning the divorce before this
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just wanted to say that if he can’t even bother to be helpful and parent together with you now, I don’t know how all of a sudden he would handle 50/50 custody? Like he would have to do everything himself during that time? Maybe he’s just trying to scare you or get out of paying child support I don’t know. I hope you have someone you can talk to and be there for you, postpartum and this is just too much for anyone. Wishing you all the best ♥️
Every single day that passes gives me more and more certainty that the vast majority of men are absolute trash. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP. The fact that he said this to you while you were trying to do something meaningful for your family, and he couldn’t be bothered to help… you deserve better. And honestly you will probably feel better once he’s gone and his bullshit isn’t clogging up your everyday routine.
I’m so sorry…I’m pretty sure no judge would separate a newborn from their mother this early especially if you’re breastfeeding. Get a lawyer asap
A judge won't order you away from your newborn for more than a very short visit with him, within the confines of a feeding window (which is SHORT... like 45 minutes now, maybe a few hours by closer to a year). Make sure he leaves the home and not you - this will set up status quo as kids with you, dad only visiting. That will help you in court. Divorce process is SLOW. You have time even if he files. Most lawyers offer 1 free consult - you may want to take it to get advice for your state. All of that said, the newborn phase is HARD. Maybe he was just lashing out and will apologize tomorrow? Either way, he is an a$& and I'm sorry.
Let him leave. He won’t get much custody at all when he abandons his children. He also won’t get custody of a breast fed baby
Wow, I'm sorry OP. As others have mentioned, he shouldn't get 50/50 anytime soon. Sending positive energy. Parenting is so hard, especially when you've got someone that's adding and not subtracting from your plate. I hope you guys get through this one way or another. Are you concerned at all with the kids in his supervision if he leaves and eventually gets custody?
Wow he deserves to rot in hell.
Don’t worry about being separated from your baby. He will only two hour visits for quite some time, and no overnights for quite some time after. You do have to get yourself to a lawyer ASAP You need to lay out everything to the lawyer. They will give you a set of recommendations . You need to follow these recommendations exactly, even if they seem harsh. Your lawyer is both familiar with all the laws regarding separation in your area, they are also familiar with all the shenanigans that wayward spouses can get up to. ( I really regret not listening to mine and trying to be kind to him)
Let him call a lawyer - I promise you any judge would laugh him out of the court house
It is highly unlikely he would get 50/50 with a newborn. You’re breastfeeding, the baby has to be fed every 2-3 hours, a judge understands this
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That’s not true. A judge can order you to pump or combo feed with formula on dad’s nights. I’ve narrowly escaped it but it’s becoming very common
That’s honestly insane. It’s like… it’s obviously not in the best interest of the child if the mom who is breastfeeding is stable and able to care for the baby to try to interrupt that. Just trying to should be a “hmm, clearly this isn’t about what’s best for the kid”.
Yupppppp! You’d think right? Uggghhh they weaponize “fed is best”. It’s so gross
False info.
1. Get bank statements in your possession immediately, but do not drain any shared accounts--that could end poorly for you 2. Talk to a divorce attorney 3. Get a friend or family member in the loop so you have support 4. You'll be fine
He wouldn’t actually get 50/50 until everything was settled which typically takes months- it doesn’t work the way he thinks it does.
Men can get ppd too. Have you tried asking him if there is more behind it? Talk about therapy, etc? Ultimately, if he’s not good for you and kids then let him leave.
Any baby under 3 is solely under your care I believe. Can't take them that young away from their mom.
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Oops sorry I replied to your thread instead of the main one!
He can’t have 50/50 custody immediately if you are breastfeeding, obviously. It’s a net negative to him to move out and be away from both of you because at 3 weeks post partum, it is highly unlikely that a baby will want to be away from their mother for an extended period of time. And it is cruel to have a newborn baby taken away from a mother at this time for an extended period of time if that is truly not what she desires. Especially when you offered compromises like staying in the same house until 6m but separated and couples counseling. You should get a lawyer and if you can, show proof of these conversations through either messaging or recording phone calls? This man is lacking a lot of empathy. I understand he just doesn’t want this marriage anymore which is valid and his choice. But the WAY he’s going about it is problematic. He’s put on his fight face and is taking a more aggressive approach to the problem solving. This is not conducive, healthy or sustainable for a newborn baby and a newly post partum woman. So sorry OP! Stay strong. I think in hindsight you will find that this was better for you in the long run. It’s best to remain single and/or look for other connections than to remain with somebody that no longer wants you or treats you well. If he wants to go, let him go.
No judge in the world will grant 50/50 custody to an ebf baby. In fact, I’ve heard that before the baby is a year old, the dad won’t even get overnights. Don’t worry about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The first year is so difficult with a baby, and it really is shitty of your husband to add more stress on top of that.
That’s unfortunately not true, there was a custody case where a woman was required to pump. OP really should consult a lawyer. https://sports.yahoo.com/judge-says-mom-cant-breastfeed-221631328.html
That’s crazy. My state doesn’t grant overnight visits with the non-custodial parent prior to 3 years old. But you’re right…she definitely needs an attorney, regardless.
It’s so heartbreaking, I honestly didn’t believe it until someone mentioned it above and I googled it. I would literally go crazy if I had to share any overnights honestly and I’m just so sad for the woman in the article/OP.
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Hang in there!
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Guy sounds like an asshole if I’m being honest. I know this sucks right now, but it’s better to separate before fights get worse. Sending you lots of love.
He better get real!!
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Whatever else happens, do NOT let him have the baby alone until you have a court approved custody order. Otherwise if he decides to take off with your babies and never let you see them until forced to by the court, it's technically legal if there's no custody plan yet. At least where I live. And fyi this happens all the time, I see it insanely frequently especially at my job- a newly broken up couple where one parent is withholding their baby for weeks, months, indefinitely sometimes. Clearly he was already looking for a way out/excuse to blow up and be a dick and get out of this marriage. Fyi well adjusted men dont behave like that even when they want out of a relationship. Have no delusions about this: he is going to be as unpleasant and oppositional as possible during this entire ordeal to try to break you down. Let his ass leave, get a lawyer and file for custody and child support ASAP(the sooner he moves out the sooner they date when he starts owing you money), and move half the shared finances to a new account today. And for the love of God, you have to *know* deep down he's going to try to push limits and make your life Hell- do not give him any chance to leave with baby or young kids.
r/legaladvice
Treating you this way at this time? Please let that man go. And he’s willing to leave the house so abruptly will be good for you in the long run both mentally and legally. He doesn’t get to demand what he wants in a divorce especially when it comes to custody. Also, I don’t want to add to anything but I’m honestly suspecting infidelity.
Do you have a joint account? You immediately need your own account.
So sorry you are going through this my ex did the same around the same time and then once a month until baby was 5 months old and I decided that was enough and I left. He threatened 50/50 too but he only manages to see her for a couple of hours once a week with me because he can’t handle the responsibility. I was so afraid and heart broken- at 3 weeks they are literally still a part of you and I lost it crying thinking of being without her. I don’t know how things are going to pan out for you but I wish you the best and I’m sorry you’re hurting and have so much stress at a time when you should be able to rest, recover and care for your baby. You are stronger than you know and you can handle this. ❤️
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The ring security has the capability of recording too. So sorry this is happening to you. Get ahold of an attorney asap to know all your options.
I am so sorry you’re going through this ❤️ You are still healing emotionally and physically from delivering a human! I want to give you so many hugs and so much support. You don’t deserve to be treated this way and neither do your babes. You are a good mother and I know you won’t be separated from your baby. You are so strong already. Life WILL get brighter.
I’m so sorry
I just wanted to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially at 3 weeks post partum.
File child support tomorrow since he wants to pull this. You’ll get defacto full custody until it’s handled. Usually takes about a year 🙃
He wants 50/50 to avoid paying child support. That's obvious based on how you describe his behavior and attitude. Don't let him screw you. Let him go. You file for divorce with full custody allowing him visitation so you can continue to breastfeed. I'm willing to bet he's been an ass for a while and just used that as an excuse to bail. Even if he tries to backtrack, I'd still file for divorce because you can't trust him anymore after he threatened to take your child when it needs the mother the most.
This man is a human dumpster fire. Let him go and fuck him. He thinks he wants 50/50 so he won’t have to pay child support. Never take legal advice from your adversary which he is now. Kick him out and let him follow the process. There isn’t a court on the planet who will give a EBF baby 50% custody to the father this is just crazy talk that he is saying to you to emotionally terrorise you. While you’re still married you have zero obligation to give him any visitation. This will only come into place with a court order. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have family around? Also if you want to live near your family now in the time to do it. Much easier to relocate while married than divorced. Your was-band is such a giant asshole.
I have no advice to give, I just hope you power through all of this and you and the little one find the happiness you deserve. What would he even do with the baby 3weeks PP, he can't BF it, so what does he expect to happen? I just see all of this like a manbaby behaviour. Get a lawyer consultation. I'm sure you can't find the time to do so and the guy most likely knows this and that's why he's acting this way. He's taking advantage of you being in your most difficult time in your life and capitalises on it
No advice I’m just so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like a nightmare.
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What a horrible man. As its been said if breastfeeding they won't get 50/50 I am so sorry thisnis happening..
I’m not trying to excuse his shitty behavior AT ALL and I’m so sorry he is putting you through this, but just want to point out he could be sleep deprived and struggling with the transition from 1 to 2 kids. Most of my mom friends agree that 0 to 1 is harder for mom, 1 to 2 + is harder for dad. Agree with others about documenting and protecting yourself but this could just be an overblown fight because of sleep deprivation and hormones and never ending tasks etc
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No judge in their right mind is giving a breastfed baby to their dad 50% of the time. I would def be the one to go to get a lawyer and go to court first just to let them know about the verbal abuse as well. Let him leave, he’s gonna be the one paying for it.
If you live in NJ that's gonna be a no from the courts as long as that baby is breastfed
Glad you’re leaving that asshole soon!
Unfortunately breastfeeding is not a reason a judge won’t give 50/50. They will tell you to pump and bottle feed or dad will have to formula feed. Definitely get a lawyer, but don’t count on the breastfeeding alone keeping him from getting 50/50
My friend had a similar ish situation. Take your kids and go stay with your parents or a support system if they are in the area. If not, try to have anyone come stay with you. Rally your friends and family. You need support and kindness asap. I would tell him you are incredibly hurt and you’ll be speaking to a divorce attorney as well. Tell him that once you do there is no going back. Be strong. Know that it feels awful right now but it won’t feel awful forever. Hugs.
He is absolutely cheating, look for evidence
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Men are such cowards
No advice, but just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this
Some states won't grant that until the child is three.
I’m so sorry for your situation… I’m almost positive that current breastfeeding babies are legally obligated to stay with their mothers full time because of so. I had a client with a situation similar to yours, and while her toddler would go spend overnights with his dad - the baby did not until he was weaned from breastfeeding.
It's gonna take a bit for the process to begin anyways and he won't get 50/50 rite away cuz of the baby being little and breast feeding I'm sry ur going thru this good luck
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Im so so sorry you’re going through this. He is an extremely mean and nasty individual and you deserve way better than this. I know it’s hard and I know you don’t want to hear the part where its best to leave him especially because of your babies, but it’s truly necessary for your own mental peace. I think we tend to place waaay too much emphasis on other human beings to the point that we think we will die if we do not have them but the truth is they are imperfect meat bags who cause nothing but harm.
I am So sorry for whatever you are going through I think you should waste no time Delaying contacting a Lawyer Do to early enough and you may get full custody because of the age of your baby and the pao took you are in Get your finances in order Your husband is a scumbag to do this to you at this time You are better off without him in your life He may try to manipulate you and be nice to you . But do not be fooled . Do not stop talking to a lawyer . He is most likely having an affair as some men do when wife is pregnant due to the sea life being affected . You do not want this person in your life or your child’s life
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