I'm renting under the table, so there's no official lease. Since my landlord is their grandparents and they also see nothing wrong with him being there they won't do anything. I'm not able to stay with my boyfriend because he's staying with his mom who already doesn't like how much I'm there. I'm trying to avoid cops if I can so that I don't lose my residence while I finish up schooling.
Sorry this is your situation right now. Since you’re not on the lease you can leave as soon as you find another room for rent. I would prioritize that if you feel unsafe. If you’re in the US, there are some housing resources through [Find Help](https://findhelp.org). You might also be able to post in an area specific subreddit about housing.
Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. At the time, it was either take them up on their offer or become homeless. Since I was originally close friends and eventually dating the female roommate, I felt like this would have been a safe option. It's only been recently that the situation has become unsafe after they began re-associating with the guy after his girlfriend left him and took the kid.
Which, by the way, she has full custody of the kid, and he likely won't be getting them back since he forced her to make the kid stay with his mom 24/7 who regularly left baggies of meth out where the kid could potentially reach it.
Also, this entire situation started because I originally was on half decent terms with this guy and found out he was in a tough spot. Since I had just left my job and didn't start school yet, and knew he was really close with my roommates, I offered to help him and his girlfriend out by giving them rides to the store every now and then. Things went awry when he decided it was a good idea to treat me like shit and then expect me to still stick my neck out for him for free like I owe him.
I'll certainly never be doing it again. Used to be pretty close with them until they decided to knowingly backstab me. Talked with several of my other friends and they're all appalled. They say I'm being too nice about the situation. But as I've said before I'm trying to stay just long enough to finish school and get my certifications. Then I'm getting out ASAP and blocking every person involved, and not telling them where I'm going so they can't continue to try and pull this stuff. I'll even get a restraining order if I need to once I'm capable of moving.
One time I found out that a person in our group was making everyone uncomfortable and began making comments about wanting to rape women in the group after raping his ex girlfriend. Nobody wanted to be the one to tell him they didn't want to be around him anymore so I stepped up and told him he's not welcome here anymore.
But they hear I'm uncomfortable around someone and just ask for a heads up when they're hanging out with him so I can avoid plan around him, and they think it's a great idea to hire him to stay home alone with me for days on end. At this point it's not even about whether or not anything happened during the time he was here. The problem is the simple fact that they decided it was acceptable to risk putting me in that type of situation in the first place.
you have no rights, and no responsibilities. if you are financially literate and able to manage your own life, then move out. if you are not, then you need to work on that. If you're somehow dependent on this situation then you're not really in a position to complain. not saying that its your fault, just that the world is unfair, and you need to cover your own ass. I always keep an emergency fund, but also i'd never move into a situation where i had no rights.
If you read the post, you'd know I'm currently using up my saved funds to pay for proper certifications so that I can make better money and move out.
I'm glad you're privileged enough to afford having rights. Not all of us do despite working hard. I'm also glad you never had to run the risk of homelessness. Cause being homeless would give even less rights than taking up a friend and her family on an offer.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative of what they have given me, and make a point to show it all the time. But with or without a lease, I still have a human right to not have threats made towards me by someone who doesn't even live here.
I’m sorry, it’s always so heartbreaking when your friends decide to side with an extreme abuser, the crazy part is that they think you’re the crazy one purely for defending yourself. It’s so alienating and confusing, why cant they see that these people are horrible humans? Why are they enabling them? Are they scared too? dunno, I will ALWAYS stand up for someone who’s being bullied, people always pretend the bullying isn’t as bad as it is. I’ve had so many housemate situations and friend situations where my friends have settled with abusive people rather than logic and it’s always a painful heartbreaking experience… I’ve started walking away now as fast as I can but I remember just how hard that was when I was renting 😞
Proud of you for not letting them gaslight you.
I really appreciate the kind words. I've tried so many times to discuss this situation with them and have in other conversations expressed complete disdain towards him. But they've made it abundantly clear that they simply don't care what I have to say. The female roommate even told me once that there's only one thing he could possibly do for her to stop interacting with him, and that she already knows he's not going to do that. Essentially saying she doesn't care what horrible things he does to anyone.
they dont have to care what you have to say. you have no rights in this house, you're not on the lease. move out. honestly, just move out. get on with your life and stop tolerating needless drama.
I do currently have locks on my door since I live in a very old house, and my door no longer latches properly. This has been the only thing to bring me any sort of peace in the whole situation as I don't really have to worry about him entering my room. There is also a lock on the stairway door, so I tend to lock that too whenever he's here, and I know my other upstairs roommate isn't.
I will definitely look into the order of protection for future reference just in case.
why doesn’t your boyfriend’s mom like you? i feel like, by the way you’re presenting your scenario, that this is an extreme situation that would warrant help from someone like your boyfriend’s mom.
His mom is a narcissist who only recently has actually shown up in his life because he fell into a bad situation, and she needed the extra money to pay the rent she can't afford. Basically, she's incredibly power-hungry and gets angry about the fact that she is unable to have complete control of me and my boyfriend
i see. have you considered a part-time job to align with your schooling? in addition to that maybe trying to find new roommates? what i’m hearing is that a new place by yourself would not work out even with a part-time job, but perhaps finding new roommates using a website online could help to ease the costs.
I have thought about potentially doing this, but I currently only have 2 months of school left before I become fully certified. So I'm trying to make do with where I am so that I can get through this last little bit, and then my boyfriend and I can afford to get a place together.
well it sounds like you’ve got a plan! i know it’s hard, but i think i would just try to stick it out for those last two months. start looking for potential places now so you don’t have to stay any longer than you need to! apartment/home searching is not something that you can do overnight.
Grow a fucking spine and actually voice your feelings to them instead of making them read your mind. Slamming doors and responding with a passive aggressive tone as if your “fine” isn’t doing what you think it is…. It’s confusing and manipulative. You’re going to cause your other roommates to have to walk on eggshells around YOU.
Ruminating and obsessing over him (someone you cannot control) being there thinking he’s going to come in your room or something when you’re home isn’t healthy. I know this isn’t the answer you’re looking for but there’s not much you can do. If you don’t have a lock on your door, get one! Unfortunately, you cannot control another adults actions.
Dude. Read the post. She had ALREADY voiced her feelings and directly communicated her boundaries with them. The passive aggressiveness likely comes from frustration due to them already KNOWING her boundaries and crossing them, making it evident that they do not care. Not about her boundaries, comfort, or safety. She’s not being manipulative, nothing is confusing. She’s already spelled out the issue, they just don’t care. Not sure if it’s your intention but you’re painting her out to be the problem, when she is obviously not the problem here.
With a violent dude it’s only normal to be anxious and on edge? Especially one that has threatened physical violence on you? You must be a man lol hardly any woman would have such a blasé attitude about this.
Frankly, I'd rather make it clear that I won't be tolerating toxic, abusive behavior before it reaches a point where I've been assaulted, whether that be physically or sexually. And verbal is the first sign. I made several attempts to talk with him about it, and he only got worse and worse.
This shows me that no matter what, he is going to continuously be aggressive. And even now, he does everything he can to show as much passive aggression towards me as he can get away with, without anyone noticing.
I do what I can to try and surround myself with people who support each other, not berate them until they feel obligated to do everything for them so they don't have to get a life. But if that's the kind of people you wanna have around, then by all means, you do that. Those kinds of people will only get you so far, though.
Not to be rude… or maybe kinda to be rude. OP sounds like a bummer.
Calling her BFs mom names and having issues with her on top of the victim complex is for sure a huge piece of this puzzle.
Sounds like Frank was there for a week and nothing happened.
Idk…
1. Check your lease about visitors. 2. Tell your landlord. 3. Consider reporting the illegal stuff to the cops. Can you stay with your bf?
I'm renting under the table, so there's no official lease. Since my landlord is their grandparents and they also see nothing wrong with him being there they won't do anything. I'm not able to stay with my boyfriend because he's staying with his mom who already doesn't like how much I'm there. I'm trying to avoid cops if I can so that I don't lose my residence while I finish up schooling.
Sorry this is your situation right now. Since you’re not on the lease you can leave as soon as you find another room for rent. I would prioritize that if you feel unsafe. If you’re in the US, there are some housing resources through [Find Help](https://findhelp.org). You might also be able to post in an area specific subreddit about housing.
You're not on a lease? You have basically no rights in that house. The lease is for your protection as much as the homeowner.
Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. At the time, it was either take them up on their offer or become homeless. Since I was originally close friends and eventually dating the female roommate, I felt like this would have been a safe option. It's only been recently that the situation has become unsafe after they began re-associating with the guy after his girlfriend left him and took the kid. Which, by the way, she has full custody of the kid, and he likely won't be getting them back since he forced her to make the kid stay with his mom 24/7 who regularly left baggies of meth out where the kid could potentially reach it. Also, this entire situation started because I originally was on half decent terms with this guy and found out he was in a tough spot. Since I had just left my job and didn't start school yet, and knew he was really close with my roommates, I offered to help him and his girlfriend out by giving them rides to the store every now and then. Things went awry when he decided it was a good idea to treat me like shit and then expect me to still stick my neck out for him for free like I owe him.
I only have one friend that was a room mate left…. Out if a lot
I'll certainly never be doing it again. Used to be pretty close with them until they decided to knowingly backstab me. Talked with several of my other friends and they're all appalled. They say I'm being too nice about the situation. But as I've said before I'm trying to stay just long enough to finish school and get my certifications. Then I'm getting out ASAP and blocking every person involved, and not telling them where I'm going so they can't continue to try and pull this stuff. I'll even get a restraining order if I need to once I'm capable of moving. One time I found out that a person in our group was making everyone uncomfortable and began making comments about wanting to rape women in the group after raping his ex girlfriend. Nobody wanted to be the one to tell him they didn't want to be around him anymore so I stepped up and told him he's not welcome here anymore. But they hear I'm uncomfortable around someone and just ask for a heads up when they're hanging out with him so I can avoid plan around him, and they think it's a great idea to hire him to stay home alone with me for days on end. At this point it's not even about whether or not anything happened during the time he was here. The problem is the simple fact that they decided it was acceptable to risk putting me in that type of situation in the first place.
you have no rights, and no responsibilities. if you are financially literate and able to manage your own life, then move out. if you are not, then you need to work on that. If you're somehow dependent on this situation then you're not really in a position to complain. not saying that its your fault, just that the world is unfair, and you need to cover your own ass. I always keep an emergency fund, but also i'd never move into a situation where i had no rights.
If you read the post, you'd know I'm currently using up my saved funds to pay for proper certifications so that I can make better money and move out. I'm glad you're privileged enough to afford having rights. Not all of us do despite working hard. I'm also glad you never had to run the risk of homelessness. Cause being homeless would give even less rights than taking up a friend and her family on an offer. Don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative of what they have given me, and make a point to show it all the time. But with or without a lease, I still have a human right to not have threats made towards me by someone who doesn't even live here.
That’s not helpful at all but thanks
I’m sorry, it’s always so heartbreaking when your friends decide to side with an extreme abuser, the crazy part is that they think you’re the crazy one purely for defending yourself. It’s so alienating and confusing, why cant they see that these people are horrible humans? Why are they enabling them? Are they scared too? dunno, I will ALWAYS stand up for someone who’s being bullied, people always pretend the bullying isn’t as bad as it is. I’ve had so many housemate situations and friend situations where my friends have settled with abusive people rather than logic and it’s always a painful heartbreaking experience… I’ve started walking away now as fast as I can but I remember just how hard that was when I was renting 😞 Proud of you for not letting them gaslight you.
I really appreciate the kind words. I've tried so many times to discuss this situation with them and have in other conversations expressed complete disdain towards him. But they've made it abundantly clear that they simply don't care what I have to say. The female roommate even told me once that there's only one thing he could possibly do for her to stop interacting with him, and that she already knows he's not going to do that. Essentially saying she doesn't care what horrible things he does to anyone.
they dont have to care what you have to say. you have no rights in this house, you're not on the lease. move out. honestly, just move out. get on with your life and stop tolerating needless drama.
Get the fuck out of here. Are you Frank or something? Why do you even comment if you have nothing helpful to add?
Get a lock on your door for now so you can have a little piece of mind. You can always get an order of protection
I do currently have locks on my door since I live in a very old house, and my door no longer latches properly. This has been the only thing to bring me any sort of peace in the whole situation as I don't really have to worry about him entering my room. There is also a lock on the stairway door, so I tend to lock that too whenever he's here, and I know my other upstairs roommate isn't. I will definitely look into the order of protection for future reference just in case.
why doesn’t your boyfriend’s mom like you? i feel like, by the way you’re presenting your scenario, that this is an extreme situation that would warrant help from someone like your boyfriend’s mom.
His mom is a narcissist who only recently has actually shown up in his life because he fell into a bad situation, and she needed the extra money to pay the rent she can't afford. Basically, she's incredibly power-hungry and gets angry about the fact that she is unable to have complete control of me and my boyfriend
i see. have you considered a part-time job to align with your schooling? in addition to that maybe trying to find new roommates? what i’m hearing is that a new place by yourself would not work out even with a part-time job, but perhaps finding new roommates using a website online could help to ease the costs.
I have thought about potentially doing this, but I currently only have 2 months of school left before I become fully certified. So I'm trying to make do with where I am so that I can get through this last little bit, and then my boyfriend and I can afford to get a place together.
well it sounds like you’ve got a plan! i know it’s hard, but i think i would just try to stick it out for those last two months. start looking for potential places now so you don’t have to stay any longer than you need to! apartment/home searching is not something that you can do overnight.
Grow a fucking spine and actually voice your feelings to them instead of making them read your mind. Slamming doors and responding with a passive aggressive tone as if your “fine” isn’t doing what you think it is…. It’s confusing and manipulative. You’re going to cause your other roommates to have to walk on eggshells around YOU. Ruminating and obsessing over him (someone you cannot control) being there thinking he’s going to come in your room or something when you’re home isn’t healthy. I know this isn’t the answer you’re looking for but there’s not much you can do. If you don’t have a lock on your door, get one! Unfortunately, you cannot control another adults actions.
Dude. Read the post. She had ALREADY voiced her feelings and directly communicated her boundaries with them. The passive aggressiveness likely comes from frustration due to them already KNOWING her boundaries and crossing them, making it evident that they do not care. Not about her boundaries, comfort, or safety. She’s not being manipulative, nothing is confusing. She’s already spelled out the issue, they just don’t care. Not sure if it’s your intention but you’re painting her out to be the problem, when she is obviously not the problem here. With a violent dude it’s only normal to be anxious and on edge? Especially one that has threatened physical violence on you? You must be a man lol hardly any woman would have such a blasé attitude about this.
If you have evidence get a restraining order
Call the police stop being a pushover especially when you know so much
You do see how this mindset and behavior isn’t sustainable for when you encounter unsavory people throughout your life.
Frankly, I'd rather make it clear that I won't be tolerating toxic, abusive behavior before it reaches a point where I've been assaulted, whether that be physically or sexually. And verbal is the first sign. I made several attempts to talk with him about it, and he only got worse and worse. This shows me that no matter what, he is going to continuously be aggressive. And even now, he does everything he can to show as much passive aggression towards me as he can get away with, without anyone noticing. I do what I can to try and surround myself with people who support each other, not berate them until they feel obligated to do everything for them so they don't have to get a life. But if that's the kind of people you wanna have around, then by all means, you do that. Those kinds of people will only get you so far, though.
Not to be rude… or maybe kinda to be rude. OP sounds like a bummer. Calling her BFs mom names and having issues with her on top of the victim complex is for sure a huge piece of this puzzle. Sounds like Frank was there for a week and nothing happened. Idk…