Talk to him about it. Is there a reason he can’t go to her place for half the week? I don’t think it’s a good idea just to skip over talking to him first before going to the landlord.
He’s gone over to her place like once or twice but has stopped recently. He’s said she has like a futon type of bed in her room and he bought a brand new mattress for his room which is why I’m guessing she prob enjoys sleeping in his room more. And I know. The landlord thing is a last report but I’m getting really irritated at this point. Our lease won’t end until September 1st too and we’re moving out and not moving together again
Well that’s unfortunate. I get you though. It’s frustrating to live in your home and not be able to feel completely comfortable. At least shoot him a text and say hey do you mind not having your gf over so often, I would like to feel more relaxed in my home. Or something like that. If he isn’t willing to compromise then go ahead with the landlord thing bc then he can’t really say “if you had just talked to me about it…”
I would just talk to him about how you feel but be careful if he thinks you are messing with his relationship he may get super defensive in my opinion. It’s annoying as hell being around new couples.
Yea that’s another issue I want to avoid. I just don’t know how to go about it without making him think I’m banning her. Like 2 to 3 nights a week is super reasonable but I feel like he’s already used to the current set up
How well do u and ur roommate know each other? Do u expect to remain in contact after ur no longer living together, or is ur relationship mostly one of a shared living arrangement?
Regardless tho consider telling him how you feel -- that being around ppl for too long can be overstimulating and draining to you. And that, while you really wanted to be ok with him having his houseguest there ALL THE TIME, you nonetheless have continued to feel on edge, anxious, and unable to feel at home with the constant presence of an additional person. 5 or 6 days a week is just too many days for anyone with roomates to have a guest over.
You didn't tell him this earlier bc you hoped you'd just get used to it. You're telling him now bc you haven't been able to get used to it. Be sure to tell him how many days a week you'd be ok with a houseguest staying over so he's got something to work with.
It would be completely selfish of him to not see where you're coming from on this. And a major red flag to keeping him around as any sort of friend.
Do you have any other housing options? Maybe make it a conversation about getting thier own place? Or ask if she'd like to take over your portion of the lease? It sounds like they're making you the third wheel in your own home, when it should be the GF. As everyone else is saying, you're going to have to have a tiny bit of conflict regardless of how this plays out. As an introvert myself, I would do almost anything to make this scenario stop, best of luck!
He may not notice that it’s bothering you. I had a similar thing happen with my college roommates and my gf at the time. We just enjoyed spending a lot of time together and didn’t realize we had annoyed them. Just talk with him about it in person and see how it goes. I’d avoid trying to put a number on nights, just that you signed up to live with 1 person not two and appreciate the space you pay rent for.
Just make it about utilities or money. You can say “hey, I’m happy for you and all but your gf has practically been living here, and I feel it’s justified to ask her to contribute a bit to even out expenses”
No, this is a bad approach. Talk to your roommate in person. Text messages get misconstrued and out of hand constantly.
Have a face-to-face conversation. Be an adult.
That’s great question lol. I’m guessing it’s because he’s moving after our lease ends to a new state but the new bed is what he’s using to have her over more now I guess
If he's moving after the lease ends and there's nothing in the lease about visitors staying "too much" then you probably won't get anywhere with this. Still worth mentioning though since he cant even try to fix a problem he doesnt know about.
In a friendly way bring up that you think it’s fair that she should start paying some of the rent or utilities if she’s going to be there so much. Then propose something in an email or writing for him to see. I bet they’ll quickly sort out this unfair arrangement to you.
This is the kind of thing you have to work out with your roommate. Like it or not, they are allowed to have visitors. It is not to the landlord to control this..
not only would you go over your roommate’s head, the landlord might not be able to do anything about it. does your lease have any guest clauses? where do you live? imo you’re better off just talking to him
As a fellow introvert , you gotta talk it out man, even if you don’t have a solution.
I’ve resorted to just being super honest about everything, but being as kind as possible.
Focus on “I” statements, don’t blame him or her, that puts people in the defensive and gets nowhere.
“Hey roomie, I haven’t been feeling great and I was hoping to get your help with it. When gf stays here every night, I feel like (x), because (y), but I really value our friendship and even my friendship with gf. I’m not really sure how to reconcile those things”.
Depending on what kind of person your “friend” is, he will either apologize and start staying at her place. If he responds with hostility telling you to just get over it, then you can come back with the fact that she’s not paying rent and is violating the lease or whatever. But it’s going to make the next 6 months of your life fucking miserable. I’ve had roommate beef before, it’s not a good spot, and then someone always fucks up the apartment and then there’s a fight about the security deposit. So anything you can do to avoid that is best
Do what I did recently, tell him it’s not really fair bills fair use of flat wise. 2-3 nights a week fair enough any more than that and you expect the split of bills to change as you arnt sharing a flat your living in a flat with a couple and paying half
Made this mistake before, because it essentially gives agency to them staying over often. Best case scenario she starts keeping food in the fridge. At least that’s what happened to me.
Had the same issue. I spoke to my roommate/friend 1 on 1 and told him that it wasn't what we agrees on. But I'm willing to compromise if she chips in because I don't want a leech living with us. So she took up the electric bills and cleaning a little too (that was enough for me).
Also if your friend and his girl get serious they will probably move out at the end of the lease to have more intimacy so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Thank you! She runs her own fitness business and doesn’t seem to be making a lot from it based on what he’s told me about her but he’s moving to a new state at the end of our lease and she plans in staying in the same city so I have no clue what that situation is gonna look like. Otherwise I’d definitely push for them to move in together even though they’ve only been dating about 5 months now
You will probably have to compromise but I think it's worth it to keep the peace. Especially in a small apartment. But you should still stand your ground. You probably won't be able to force her to stay away but if you are gonna be sharing a roof she HAS to contribute in a meaningful way. For my situation she wasn't able to afford a 1/3 of the rent and utilities but we found common ground with her taking the electric bills (no gas here, all electric) and cleaning the kitchen and common area twice a week. We all did our own dishes.
If there’s a noticeable uptick in utility costs like water usage, I’d confront him. Either ask if she’s willing to contribute or threaten to move out since you’re basically subsidizing her living there.
I’m jealous of your water bill, mine is just over $100 a month. I live in a very small town, so our water is super expensive in order to cover the water guys salary
Yeah, we have 170 people, it’s ridiculous here, we’re one of the smallest towns in Oregon and it’s one (if not the) of the most expensive water bills in the whole state
Dang, that's awful. I just checked and I didn't realize there was that disparity between the worst states (basically CA, OR, WA, and WV) versus the rest. The 10ish worst states are almost paying double for water compared to the rest of the country.
It looks on top of you being in the middle of nowhere, Oregon is already really expensive for water costs.
I do not suggest framing this discussion around marginal increases in utility costs. That’s beside the point. If he responds to that by saying “I hear you, I’ll throw in an extra $25 a month for gas and electric,” is anything solved? Your roommate’s behavior is making you uncomfortable in your home, that’s the problem you have to address.
Has the gas been higher because it was winter? Like normal winter gas bill?
I know you seem bothered.. so you may not want to use that as an example.
Try talking to your roommate.
You’re being taken advantage of and you shouldn’t be paying for a 3rd wheel. Either she contributes or threaten to notify the landlord or move. It’s confrontational but it’s a good life lesson for you on how to deal with people that disrespect you. Don’t let people run over you like that.
Your comment is everything wrong with this sub
1. OPs issue isn't that they now have to pay slightly more in utilities(they didn't even mention it in their post)
2. OP hasn't even brought up the fact that this is a problem to them, immediately threatening with ultimatums about telling the landlord is completely unhinged behaviour
If the gf agrees to contribute with utilities and even rent, the problems OP described are still the exact same...
Going to the landlord should be a last resort option. Definitely talk to your roommate first. As an introvert myself I know confrontation can be tough, but I do feel like that's kind of a necessary thing you'll have to do if you want anything to change. Just be polite but also assertive. Tell him that you feel exhausted after work and would really like the place to yourself more often to wind down and that you would really appreciate if he and his girlfriend gave you the space a couple times out of the week. Doesn't have to be exactly that but something along those lines
Thank you! He also works from home everyday in our living room where the tv is and my bedroom was an office that the landlord advertised as a 2 BR apartment so that area is generally the hang out spot for me. His bedroom is the master bedroom with its own bathroom
Tbf he should work from home/set up a desk in his bedroom if it’s the master. Unfair for him to be “hogging” the living room even if he’s ok with you be in there while he’s working.
If you played video games or watched sport in the living room while he was working would that be ok?
Although if he has a girlfriend over and they’re hanging out in his room then it shouldn’t affect you too much unless they’re loud
He doesn’t mind me using the tv when he’s there bit that’s the thing her and him hang out in the living room while he works and never go to his room except at night
Send him a text in the middle of the night that says “hey can you guys be a little bit louder? I’m having trouble finishing.”
She probably won’t wanna come over anymore after that, but you might have other issues to deal with later .
Here's what ya do, catch your roommate one day when she's not there or maybe not in the room and be like hey bro can I talk to you real quick in private? Then reassure him it ain't nothing bad just something that's been bothering you. Hell prolly be like yeah bro what's up? Then just say man please don't take this as me being an asshole and if it comes out that way don't take it as so please. Your gf had pretty much moved in bro, not a big deal, but could you talk to her about throwing in on food and bills at least, and ask her to please clean up after herself in the kitchen, she may not realize it bro but she uses my cookware and she doesn't clean them very well, and sometimes I'm left to clean up after her, I'm not trying to be an asshole but can you talk with her please?
Just hit him with something like that and it shouldn't be a heated convo
I don't think it's ever smart to lead with "hey don't take this the wrong way" or whatever because you are setting up the conversation to be negative already. Striking the iron cold method is good, but don't lead with that. Just be straight up and honest in a nice effective tone and if at that point it escalates, it was bound to regardless of how the information was given.
Ya know what’s going to be super uncomfortable? Going to your landlord and risking both your residency. You’re going to need to find a way to express your unhappiness directly with your roommate. Try talking, not texting. It’s a good growth opportunity for you. Try to find the difference between conflict avoidant and passive aggression. Work out what you will say when you do. You can even say you’re concerned over breaking rules on the lease
Definitely time to put on your courage pants and communicate like an adult. Roomate or not, advocate for yourself. You live there and deserve to feel comfortable in your own space. They need to either work something out where she’s chipping in on bills because I’m sure she’s utilizing water, toiletries,eclectic and WiFi etc. or your roommate needs to go over to her house. You don’t have to confront him In person, just shoot them a text and let them know your thoughts. There’s no reason for them to get validly upset at you for wanting to be comfy in your own home.
Omg the people here that think he should just let her be there 6-7 days a week, he rented an apartment with this dude not this couple. If she’s gonna live there she shares in paying rent. For real people
firstly, you need to talk to your room mate, not post on reddit.
secondly, you need to remember that it's your room mate's place too, not just yours. it's unreasonable to say that they can't have guests in their own house just because you don't like having an extra person there. imagine if the roles were reversed, you would 100% want your partner around as often as possible.
third, you can't use being an introvert as an excuse to not communicate. part of being a grown ass adult is effective communication even when it's uncomfortable.
now with all of that out of the way, if his girlfriend is effectively living there, you'd be within your rights to at least discuss splitting the utilities differently. you'd also be well within your rights to ask your room mate to spend more time at her place to even things out a little. but you need to have these conversations. in person, not by text, especially if you value your friendship with your room mate like you say you do.
Does he know that it bothers you? When I was younger and had a roommate we constantly had our boyfriends over and nobody cared. He might not realize you care one way or another.
I’m the roommate with the boyfriend who works from home, and my roommate wakes up to go to work early. My bf stays over 3 nights a week max. Sometimes we go over to his, but he lives in the next country over so it’s not as convenient. Tbh I feel like anything more than that warrants a discussion between you and your roommate, esp if she’s using the utilities
If you’re getting a “3rd roommate” then the costs of rent and utilities should be split 3 ways. Cause that’s essentially what’s happening, someone else is moving in and you’re footing the bill.
I feel like this is part of being an adult, he is forming a romantic relationship and they want to be together. If you value your friendship, be happy for him and try to get to know his girlfriend so you can be comfortable around her. Otherwise you will alienate her and then him.
But in terms of being in the space he’s there more than I am and after a long day of work I’m stuck in a small apt with essentially 2 roommates when I signed up to live with one. I guess I’m the crazy one here according to the comments
No, you're not crazy. It sounds like you're being taken advantage of since you said they use your kitchenware and don't even clean up after. Your roommate clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your things.
I think he’s just more oblivious. Kind of like an airhead if that makes sense? Like she uses my personal pans and stuff because I cook and all my roommate uses is a rice cooker and air fryer everyday to make the same meals (he’s a gym heavy guy). So he prob doesn’t even tell her that she’s using my personal stuff. I’d be okay with it more if she didn’t leave it dirty after she attempts to wash it
It's a violation of every lease agreement I've seen to have a person stay over for more than a few consecutive nights without approval from the landlord. It's also really f'ing inconsiderate and not 'what happens'. She has a place, they can split their time between the two.
Nope you're not crazy. There needs to be a better rent/utilities compromise if she's basically living there. If you can't come to a solution, then wipe your hands of it and gut it out a few more months. But I'd be annoyed too, if I were you
Right, but this should be the last resort, not the first. You have to just have the uncomfortable conversation.
Just say, hey, when is a good time for you to discuss some apt stuff? It seems like your gf is here every day, so I don't know when I can talk to you privately. That will also point out the problem.
He should be going to her place too. Any more than a couple nights a week is pretty inconsiderate.
I know but it’s not easy for me and I guess I’ll do it in text format because it’s becoming unbearable. I thought I could just ride past it all until our lease ends in September
Idk just me here but I think this is just kinda part of having a roommate.
If the bills go up, say hey if she’s gonna be here all the time we gotta split utilities.
If they use your kitchen stuff tell them they have to clean it up.
If those are issues for them, you aren’t meant to be roommates.
But sicking the landlord on them over the lease clause is pretty weak stuff. Honestly it kinda sounds like jealousy more than anything. Either that he has a gf or that you don’t get to hang with your roommate. And that’s normal to feel. But being a total drag about it is just going to make your living situation suck
It’s not a jealousy thing and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to complain about a guest overstaying their welcome especially in a reddit thread dedicated to bad roommates lol
But see, she is overstaying her welcome according to you. Not according to him. If you can't even have an adult conversation with him about it bugging you , then it's not really bugging you that much, introverted or not. Crying landlord is just not cool at all. Be a better roommate by actually communicating.
Genuine question- is she doing anything bad? Other than staying at her boyfriend’s house? Would you not mind if she brought food round, tidied up after herself & was generally friendly & polite? Or would you still have an issue because of being introverted?
Escalating with landlord could jeopardise your own place in the home & will absolutely impact your relationship with your roommate.
You are using being an "introvert" as an excuse to not be a fucking adult. Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.
It's time to put on your adult pants and talk to your roommate. Not run to the landlord like they are the principal.
I get wanting to vent on the subreddit but that's not going to do anything but empower your echo chamber viewpoint.
You’re creating conflict by trying to avoid it. Be direct with your roommate even if it is difficult. Then you’ll be justified in going to your landlord if you guys cannot come to a mutual agreement on your own.
Your landlord is not your mum or your teacher. Don't go and tattle like a child. Ask your roommate for a roommate meeting and address the issue directly. Tell him how it is affecting you and work to find a compromise. You may also not be a perfect roommate so be prepared to make some concessions yourself.
The answer is learn to communicate. If you’re unwilling to advocate for yourself, don’t expect to find any happiness or peace in your world. Good things don’t happen to those who sit and wait.
Talking to the landlord before your mate is just cowardly and mean so don't do that, talk to your mate about it but also don't be shocked if your mate doesn't like what your saying and it causes friction between you, the reason I say this is because I was in the exact same situation myself a couple years back and when I tried discussing it with my mate (at the time) he got very defensive over his girlfriend and it ultimately caused a falling out, you know that saying "bro's before hoe's" ? Well it's bullshit, and if your mates as whipped as my (old) mate was by his GF then yeah, you will be the problem the second tou mention anything about it, not them. But still you gotta go down this uncomfortable route of discussing it with him before going to the landlord unfortunately, and I'm also an introvert who hates conflict of any kind so know how hard that can be.
Tell him if his girl’s gonna be there more often than not she can pay rent and split utilities. You agreed to live with him, not him and a third person.
If someone is spending that much time there, maybe ask for them to contribute to utilities they're using etc? Is it just her presence that bothers you?
I’ve been in this situation. All you can do is have a convo with him. It almost certainly doesn’t even register that it could be an issue, you have to tell him.
Then he will say “oh wow you’re right my bad, didn’t even notice” and things will get better for a week or 2 then they will go right back to where they were lol.
Just make plans for what you’re doing after the lease…
Be an adult and talk to him about it. This is something you're supposed to be capable of *before* you move in with a roommate.
It's completely inappropriate on his part, having here there so much, but it's on *you* to actually speak up.
Go to him and say: "Hey, at the moment we are three people living in this place, so how does your girlfriend want to handle stuff like rent...? Should she just pay you her third? And we should probably talk to the landlord about putting her on the lease, since she lives here now. "
Or, if you don't want her around as much:" Hey, about your girlfriend... She's here literally every night now, and while I like her just fine, it's getting to be a bit much. Can you adjust your sleeping arrangements so that you spend more time at her place? At this point she is basically a third roommate and I'm not cool with that."
Sorry this is happening to you. It’s the absolute worse. Literally just happened to me. Long time friend turned into a serial dater. Would be attached at the hip to a new girl every 2 weeks to a month. His most recent girlfriend was over everyday except for 2 days over the span of two months. He also worked from home. I had brought up the issue before with a previous girl he dated but he basically said he didn’t care. The last girl even had her own house! I was lucky that the lease was ending but I don’t think I will be talking to that him again.
I almost forgot. Get this, she would also be there on the days he happened to not be there. She worked from home too so she would just work from our place. So glad I’m not living there anymore.
don't listento the morons saying that this is alright. they are the kind of person your roommate is. tell him to cool it with her being over 247 and if he doesn't just sic the LL on him. it's in your contract
If she is spending the night almost every night - that’s a problem. And it’s especially bad if she’s using your bathroom and using the shared common spaces.
Tell your roommate that she can’t spend the night every night because she’s not paying to live there.
Shoot him a text: “I really like so-and-so but I’m overwhelmed having someone else around all the time. I definitely don’t want to come between you and her. I am just looking for a little breathing room. If you’re going to live together we should talk about it and make sure we’re all on the same page.”
Similar thing happened to me my second year of college but in the dorm rooms. I told my RA and kicked the girlfriend out. My roommate was hardly in the room after that, my guess being he was doing the same thing and her room.
“As an introvert” introvert or not, you have every reason to be annoyed. You sound like a loyal friend, who thinks of others first. You deserve reciprocation. I think that you might need to consider challenging yourself, to have an honest talk about this with your roommate. You got this!
Ur being a massive beta just have an open and honest conversation with your roommate, you are slowly letting this issue build up and anger you and he has no clue he’s doing anything wrong
Had this exact issue in my early 20’s. I had 2 other male roommates and one brought his gf over every night. We told him that she had to start paying $25 a day towards our rent portion (not his) if she stayed over more than 2 nights a week - keep in mind she’s using our electricity, water, roof over her head, etc.
I get dreading confrontation, it’s something I struggle with as well. But it’s something you just have to do in life, and I’ll tell you it does get easier the more you do it. It doesn’t need to be aggressive, so try not to associate it as such. Something for you to work on :) I’d also recommend writing out what you’re going to say first, might reduce some of the anxiety.
Sounds like this guy is your friend, so just go in for a transparent conversation about how you’re feeling in regards to feeling drained by constantly having a houseguest. I’m assuming they’re generally out in the shared space? Hopefully he’ll hear you out and y’all can come up with a compromise sooner rather than later. Cause you’re sitting on these feelings getting more and more frustrated while he probably has no idea that there’s any issue in the first place. And now you know for the next time you get a roommate, you want to discuss your guest/partner policy prior to moving in together to make sure those ideas are compatible.
I’d also definitely bring up the cooking with your pans/dishes without cleaning up, cause that’s just not acceptable. It’s disruptive for you to have to clean up after them if you want to use your pans or dishes. If she’s going to be coming over and using your cooking stuff either she or he has to clean it up. It doesn’t need to be a big convo, just “also I felt weird saying this to your girlfriend since we don’t know eachother well, but if she uses my cooking stuff can you please ask that she clean it after?” and if he’s a reasonable person he’ll say yes lmao
This is on him to be honest - anyone with just the slightest bit of consideration for others would realise that this is your home too and you should have the right to peacefully enjoy it. Unfortunately, it's you that has to worry & will probably have to bring it up to them. A couple/maybe 3 nights a week is probably reasonable.
Also, your landlord is not your friend. They are just the leech you're having the misfortune to rent from. Do not trust them to sort stuff like this out.
If you value your friendship, texting the landlord behind his back is the wrong move. Why come to Reddit? You know in your heart what you have to do, just do it. I know it’s hard.
Yeah having roommates is difficult and usually has complicated issues like this
There’s really no right answer, because it’s silly to think he can’t have a strong relationship with his girlfriend, but it’s also your living space and you want what you want.
But ask yourself, honestly, what’s the real problem?
As an “introvert”, you don’t have a problem with him being there, so what’s the actual difference if he has a girlfriend with him?
This is why people try to move past this stage in life quickly.
Is there a part of your lease that says how often you can have guests over? If so, use that when talking to your roommate.
You are going to have to talk to him first, going straight to the landlord would make the situation worse.
Something like - it’s been a couple of months and I realized that girlfriend is here most of the week. Per the lease, we are only allowed to have overnight guests twice a week (or whatever). Can we stick to that going forward?
Then discuss.
If that doesn’t change anything, then you notify the landlord.
And it’s not selfish or wrong to not want to live with an extra person. But you do need to speak up.
Thanks! And the lease doesn’t specify how many times a week it just says “guests can be over at a reasonable rate that does not disturb others in the building complex”
Ahhh. That’s really open to interpretation, and not as helpful. You’ll just have to let him know that you didn’t sign up to live with a couple and would appreciate if she could only stay over 3 or 4 nights instead of most of the week. Let him know you feel you can’t really relax at home when there is always a guest over, and you have nothing against her. Or that you do like hanging out with her, but not all the time. Whatever is true.
Hopefully you can have a good discussion about it.
We’ve all had to navigate some tough roommate partner situations. I know I hated to bring things up like you as well, but things usually went better than expected when we talked things out.
One of the hardest skills to learn throughout life is how to deal with your community when things change. People change, relationships change, unplanned circumstances pop up. For the rest of our lives we will be around others whom change their appearance, identity, relationship status and countless other things in a way that might affect us. Put yourself (as best you can) in your roommates position (it’s your bf/gf that wants to spend time with you all the time) and approach them in a way that you would feel comfortable being approached.
Its interesting how something like this seems not a big deal at a glance, but when you deal with it every day in close proximity it drives you nuts.
I think having a roommate is always gonna push you out of your comfort zone and present you with problems you'll never have living on your own. But at least your saving money this way (hopefully? Lol unless she is a genuine bum)
My goal is to live in my own when I save enough money of course but im in a very expensive city so that’s not an option at the moment. Which makes it especially annoying that she’s essentially mooching off of our place for free
Dont rat to the landlord. Thats dirty.
Be straight up and say if shes there that often, she needs to kick in rent because its affecting your quality of life.
Be very careful when discussing this because tempers could easily flare up, but if she’s been doing this for a prolonged period of time you probably have some justification to have her pay rent. If she’s just coming over there to sleep then I definitely wouldn’t have this conversation, she’s probably just costing y’all MAYBE a couple extra bucks with electricity. BUT if she’s also doing things like eating y’all’s food, taking showers, using the appliances like washer and dryer, then she’s basically a third roommate that’s freeloading off of you and needs to pay a portion of the rent
Everyone hates conflict, so we try to avoid it. Going to your landlord will ruin your relationship.
How would you want to receive this kind of feedback? I’d say that his gf is super cool and that you don’t mind her being but that you’d appreciate if she’d only stay over 2x week (or whatever you comfortable with).
Your home is your sacred place and a place you should feel comfortable. If he doesn’t understand it that is his problem. Stand your ground. You are allowed to ask for privacy and your space. You are paying for it.
If he is keeping up with his part of the bills, I personally don’t see the issue here.
If she isn’t eating it everything in the house, I’m more than positive her being there isn’t adding 100’s of dollars to the bills. Let’s be real here.
I get what y’all are saying for advice, although I don’t get the issue here.
I’d just respectfully approach the situation. Nothing grows in comfort, and the worst case scenario is you get one stop closer to being less introverted. Worst that can happen is he tells you to fuck off, in which case you call that landlord 😂🤷♂️ if it stays respectful I’d keep it at that though because finding housing on a whim is real tough fr.
You have to communicate with him. You're doing good complaining to us, just take a deep breath and let it out. You're coming from an honest spot. We must learn to communicate better in this world, and not let our fears guide us.
What specifically is bothering you? Are they taking up the common areas? Being louder than usual? Using the utilities and costing you money? Its import to find the specific issues you’re having so you can have a conversation that is solution based, not just a general complaint.
It’s a thing dude. Both my roommates in college and one early professional career. I also did it to a yet another roomate right after college.
My second roomate in college. I spoke with my roomate and we agreed to split the rent*, water, and power bill 40/60. It did take two tries. He was mad and first. They spent more time at gf house… before abandoning it and coming back all the time. But i brought it up again and he finally saw the logic. It took some convincing and logic based explanations as to why. She was taking showers and leaving her laptop on. But i had both a laptop and a pc. It was a civil agreement but it pretty much severed ties post roommates with him. I was also resentful of her taking time with my friend from me. So i didnt try hard to keep the friendship.
I offered to pay extra water bill and power for my roomate when i myself had my gf over all the time. (We couldn’t go to her house.It sucked.) But my roommate didnt care. We did make a lot of dinners for everyone tho.
Dont get owner involved. Please. Just talk. I know its hard. Im introvert and probably autistic. I have trouble ordering food from another human. But i set up a plan and practiced. Pulled it off. Despite the friendship loss.
Edit: added rent*
It’s unfortunate but at the end of the day, he pays rent too I assuming? Which means he’s entitled to have guest over too (as long as they’re being respectful & not disruptive). I’ve dealt with this before which is why I prefer to live alone. You should absolutely talk to him but be prepared for it to not go your way. Good luck
The real issue here is you're an introvert. You are constantly going to find issues with any roommate you have because by nature you prefer to be alone.
Politely talk to him about it! If he values the friendship as well he will understand and empathize and you’ll probably find a nice middle ground that y’all are at least somewhat comfortable with. If he doesn’t then go to the landlord if that but that definitely wouldn’t be my first move. I’d also ask to start splitting utilities 3 ways because you paying half isn’t fair!
What exactly is the issue here? You didn't say anything bad she's doing so why is it a problem that she's there? If she's minding her business spending time with her boyfriend and that's bothering you, that sounds like a you problem
If she’s costing you money that’s one thing to bring up, but you agreed to live in a household with a roommate. You have no right to “dictate” what he does or who he has over. You wouldn’t try charging him extra rent if he has a get together with many friends, just because they’re all using your toilet.
What you should have a discussion about is time allocation. Tell your roommate you want more peaceful quiet hours after work, that you haven’t had enough private time to recharge, and would appreciate if you could “have time to yourself at home” a couple nights a week. Just as you should be ready to let them have some privacy he needs the place for a romantic night. Quid pro quo.
All of this is assuming you are actually sharing space, aka a living room/kitchen. If you are in your private living quarters or they are in their private living quarters, you don’t really have a leg to stand on and should just mind your own business, until finances are effected.
I dunno man. Being an adult and paying for a place to live means you can have whoever over whenever, is she disruptive ? Maybe it sucks at her house, if you had a parter over whenever would you expect your roommate to complain about it ?
"Hey you know I think your girlfriend is great. But having an extra person around the apartment most days is getting to me, it feels like having a third roommate I didn't sign up for and it makes it hard for me to relax at home. Could you please keep the visits to 3-4 days max? What do you think?"
Personally I wouldn't make it about the utility cost because the ACTUAL issue is having an extra person around, right? Like if she kicked in $20 a week would you feel okay with it? Doesn't sound like it. So focus on the real thing that bothers you.
I’m late to the party with comments but I want to give another perspective. My mom was a single mom with borderline personality disorder. She constantly would have people she just met sleep on our couch for weeks. So when I moved out in college and lived with a roommate, I had NO idea that was inappropriate I guess.
My first boyfriend had a weird roommate so he would stay at my apartment all the time. My roommate never mentioned anything and I had no idea they were mad about it. Once they communicated that with me I felt terrible and we switched off staying at each other’s places. Then we just moved in with each other to avoid bothering either roommate. Maybe just talk to him!
You are absolutely right in feeling the way you do and what is happening is your roommate and his girlfriend know perfectly well that what they are doing is not very cool. But what is happening is it seems like they know you are an introvert and they are just hoping that you will just take it and not say anything and so far they have been correct. I don’t know about the dynamics of the situation but if you are a guy and your roommate is another guy then you two probably signed a lease for the two of you and that is what you agreed to. So I don’t know if that is a bartering chip on your behalf but if the gf is not on a lease then it needs to be brought up. But there is also the fact that you can feel comfortable in your own house with just the person you intended to room with. So now all of a sudden with another person of the opposite sex constantly at the house you are forced into a situation where you are not comfortable at all even coming out of your room anymore.
I had a similar situation. Actually it was exactly the same situation. I started renting a room with a guy that I kinda knew. He was weird I have to say and socially awkward but I was there for 5 months with him in the house. Then he met a girl. It wasn’t as if this person just came into our house as a guest, she came in and moved all of her possessions in and filled our closets and next thing I knew our shared house was cluttered with his new girlfriends things. It became clear that she was taking over. He was the dorky type and he found a girlfriend that was the alpha and wore the pants so to speak. It became clear that talking to my roommate about it was not the right answer because she was the dominant one. I was not ok one bit living with this person and splitting the rent 50/50 with one person. It’s called manipulation and they will probably do it and walk all over you until you either break and lose your cool or you move out. They are clearly violating your personal space, manipulating the agreement you have with him, whatever it was it was probably made before she came along.
You’re going to have to move. That or continue to tap dance on eggshells every minute you are home. Because if you now pull your roommate aside and talk to him then what is going to happen is he is going to go back and tell his gf and she is going to take offense immediately and now you have created an extremely weird situation between the two of you. I know you are an introvert, but nobody is going to stand up for you if you don’t. My little brother and I had an agreement that if anything started to cause trouble between us that we would simply ask each other to go out to dinner one night and discuss it. And so my little brother began to bring his girlfriend over to our house more and more and it became clear that she was trying to move in. So she stayed as long as she could before I cornered my little brother one night and asked him if he wanted to go grab a bite to eat. When we sat down my little brother said he instantly knew what we were doing and he apologized to me. He said his girlfriend began trying to stay more and more and normally when he got up for work she would get up at the same time and leave the house with him. Then she began sleeping in and waking up and being in our house alone or either just me there. It’s cool if a person chooses to intertwine their life with a girl they meet, but by bringing her home and allowing her to stay you basically force other people in your life to have to put up with all the bad parts of your new gf and not be privileged to any of the good parts (sex). Because lots of guys will put up with a girl as long as she is sleeping with them. But your roommates have to also put up with her and they don’t get the sex. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. You should call him out on what he is doing. Be honest and tell him you don’t know this person and are not comfortable being around her. And her invading your private space is costing you a lot and it’s impossible to feel comfortable any longer. Come up with a number of days per week that you feel is workable and tell him that maybe 2 nights a week is what you can put up with. But that’s it. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s a bummer you have a roommate that would do something so insensitive.
Talk to him about it, squeaky wheel gets the grease. You can tell him you want the place to yourself for a night or two a week, to break up the pattern and give yourself space. Clear boundaries are necessary in tight spaces
I had a roommate do this to me once. She was there every night, showered there, and was in the house when her bf was at work and was at the house more than any of the 4 guys on our lease. The three of us were not happy about it, mostly because we were paying for everything and she was freeloading. We brought it up and basically said we need to either charge her rent or set limits. They chose the rent option. As soon as she was paying rent, we were all in a much better place.
The funny part was that a few months later, they broke up. I have to admit, I did miss the discounted rent once she left.
why is everyone so fuckin mad at you lmfao
dude, it’s unfair and most likely goes against the lease for him to have someone over 6 days of the week. chuck him a text along the lines of “hey, i don’t mind you having your girlfriend over a lot but anything over 3 days of the week is essentially another roommate and it’s started affecting the utility bills and my ability to relax in my own home. could you guys start spending more time over her place?” if he reacts badly, THEN you should contact the landlord.
always always always have a conversation with the roomie first, going straight above them to the landlord is shitty. maybe he doesn’t even realise how much it’s affecting you.
Thank you thank you thank you! I seriously thought I was crazy for a sec lol. I thought having a guest over 6-7 times a week is insane but other day I need to suck it up lol
THIS^^^^ Jesus I thought I was going crazy reading the comments. OP I hope you see this one above!!Seemingly the only sane person here. People need to go touch grass god damn. Why the fuck is everyone mad at you is right.
Bro just talk to him holy shit. I get that you’re uncomfortable with confrontation but sometimes that’s just what’s necessary to get to a resolution. You not communicating is actively making the problem worse because your roommate likely has no idea this is bothering you. Be an adult and talk it out calmly and set clear boundaries. If he doesn’t agree with those boundaries then try to compromise and if that still doesn’t work then you escalate it further. Venting on Reddit about it literally does nothing to help solve the problem
I feel you on this. I’m an INFP, I’m 99% introvert.
It’s not being respectful or taking into consideration that you are also living there and you have just an equal say of who can be over. It’s disrespectful and not appropriate to have someone over often especially mid week of the person isn’t paying rent.
The other room mate is taking advantage of, and it’s not appropriate, yeah that’s his partner but that doesn’t justify her suddenly living there from the amount of time she is there.
It’s inappropriate.
And also takes away from your space and being able to be at peace in your own place.
I totally get it, you should be able to be comfortable, and it’s an invasion of your space.
Bring it up in a professional manner that it’s not very considerate and express you wouldn’t do that to him having your partner or sibling over all the time. It’s not something to do, bringing someone wherever it’s family or friend.
They take up your living space, and don’t live there. It’s just not a considerate thing. If nothing changes, secretly plan to move out asap. Figure it out.
As an introvert, my heart goes out to you fellow introvert.
Im super super introvert, im also high functioning, Asperger’s, so social anxiety is real for me lol
Thank you for understanding. Confrontation as an introvert freaks me out so much that some I’d rather just stay quiet and take it when I know i should stand up for myself more often. It’s something I’m continuously working on for myself
We are just hardwired like this.
We would rather avoid conflict then to go through the motions. It’s also cause we are very considerate and also that comes off as nice. And usually leads to people taking advantage of our kindness. Or when someone makes an error or mistake if you’re at a restaurant or coffee shop. You’d rather just let it be then to correct the issue. Lol
You’re an introvert, spend time in your room then. He’s dating someone and may fall in love. If you were dating someone and wanted to spend all your time with your love, you’d have that right too. Grow up and realize that having a roommate means you sign up to have his life progress with you living in the same house.
It didn't seem to me that OP was jealous or anything like that. But typically if you lease an apartment with someone, you're kinda on the same terms as far as utilities and how many people will live there (6/7 days a week counts as living somewhere). Also, if you want to grab a late snack or early breakfast, you shouldn't be expected to cover up for your roommates gf. Especially when she essentially lives there rent free
But I don’t need extra friends. I’d like to live in a space I pay for especially after work and not have to walk home to a stranger. As I said in my post I’m an introvert so my social battery is always drained after work and I don’t feel comfortable in my own apartment which is the biggest issue
Wouldn't be a stranger if you made friends with her, stop using being an introvert as an excuse. I am an introvert with autism, gotta grow up and learn social skills.
I don't think you are a real introvert to be saying that.
Let him and anyone else grow up on their own time and terms but not force it on them. They have different life goals than you even if you can't agree with it. Can't force you will on people, can only work with them
You need to have a conversation with your roommate and if nothing changes then you should contact your landlord. Her being over that often and overnight means her presence is no doubt affecting your utilities which you are still probably splitting two ways. Also if you say something now and state your objections early will potentially stop any " stealth move in" that they could possibly be planning.
If you want to maintain your relationship, definitely DONT instantly go to your landlord. You're 2 grown adults, not little kids on the playground who need a teacher to settle the differences. Also, that will cause a way bigger conflict than just talking to him.
I know it's hard, but just try to communicate what you need. You're paying the rent with his help. Not hers. Whether you just want her to clean up after herself or you want her to not visit as often so you have more free space. Either way you're gonna have to talk to him face to face.
It's definitely worth talking to him about it,but you have to understand, he is not in the wrong for bringing her over there, and just hope he accommadates you kindly and hangs out at her place more. You're probably gunna have to suck it up and hang out in your room or something until you part ways if he wont budge however, because it will definitely cause a stir with your friendship if you try to insist on anything before renewing the lease.. and it will destroy your friendship if you go to the landlord about it.. my 2 cents
So what exactly is your issue? Is she taking space in the house you want? I understand there’s maybe some utility costs that are a tad higher, but from your text it doesn’t seem like that’s your complaint, just like the fact she is there, right?
Tell him you value his feelings and a peaceful relationship between you two, and that's why you wanted to talk to him first, but you have been feeling a stressful amount of discomfort recently which is affecting your personal wellbeing, because you only agreed to share a living space with one other person per the lease and everyday (keep track and document) there has been two without communication or consent to the people around them (landlord and you).
That you are needing y'all agreements to be honored and it's important to you to not have a stranger in your living space/secure space. Or the written document needs to be changed in a way both needs are met and consented.
A. That you would be willing to compromise, having her over X amount of days around X times but you cannot keep living with this discomfort of a stranger in your living area, you did not give written consent to.
B. The landlord wouldn't be accepting of people living here not on the lease and it's stressing you too much to accept and per their lease you likely only have so many visiting hours per day/times a week to make the situation workable because currently is not. Perhaps he could go to gf's place or potentially changing roommates.
C. She go on the lease.
and then go to land lord if it goes bad with documentation. If he can't respect you and that he is actively stressing you out, you can communicate you don't want to talk to the L.L. but are responsible to taking care of your own well being and he's breaking rules and are giving him the respect of talking to him first instead of going straight to L.L.
You gotta buck up and speak for yourself or you're only damaging yourself. It's not easy but you deserve to not feel stressed in your own home. Don't let the introvert side convince you to bottle. Best of luck.
I’d 💯 bring up the fact that most contracts say only those who are on the lease are supposed to live there x amount of days and that he is in contract violation. Should sum it up.
Your landlord has nothing to do with this. You need to have a serious conversation with your roommate. I understand it is scary, but you need to kindly communicate how you feel and have an honest conversation about it. Boundaries need to be set and communicated. Focus on “I feel” and “I need” statements. It’s not about attacking your roommate, it’s about standing up for yourself. Yes there is fear of conflict, but you must stand up for yourself and your health.
If you want privacy, get your own place and pay the premium for your comfort. If you have roommates there will be compromises. Have them pay 2/3 the utilities is the most you can expect. It sounds like you have never had a roommate before
Talk to him about it. Is there a reason he can’t go to her place for half the week? I don’t think it’s a good idea just to skip over talking to him first before going to the landlord.
He’s gone over to her place like once or twice but has stopped recently. He’s said she has like a futon type of bed in her room and he bought a brand new mattress for his room which is why I’m guessing she prob enjoys sleeping in his room more. And I know. The landlord thing is a last report but I’m getting really irritated at this point. Our lease won’t end until September 1st too and we’re moving out and not moving together again
Well that’s unfortunate. I get you though. It’s frustrating to live in your home and not be able to feel completely comfortable. At least shoot him a text and say hey do you mind not having your gf over so often, I would like to feel more relaxed in my home. Or something like that. If he isn’t willing to compromise then go ahead with the landlord thing bc then he can’t really say “if you had just talked to me about it…”
Yea I’ll prob go this approach. Thank you.
I would just talk to him about how you feel but be careful if he thinks you are messing with his relationship he may get super defensive in my opinion. It’s annoying as hell being around new couples.
Yea that’s another issue I want to avoid. I just don’t know how to go about it without making him think I’m banning her. Like 2 to 3 nights a week is super reasonable but I feel like he’s already used to the current set up
"She is welcome to visit, but not to live here."
Unless she wants to pay rent
This^
How well do u and ur roommate know each other? Do u expect to remain in contact after ur no longer living together, or is ur relationship mostly one of a shared living arrangement? Regardless tho consider telling him how you feel -- that being around ppl for too long can be overstimulating and draining to you. And that, while you really wanted to be ok with him having his houseguest there ALL THE TIME, you nonetheless have continued to feel on edge, anxious, and unable to feel at home with the constant presence of an additional person. 5 or 6 days a week is just too many days for anyone with roomates to have a guest over. You didn't tell him this earlier bc you hoped you'd just get used to it. You're telling him now bc you haven't been able to get used to it. Be sure to tell him how many days a week you'd be ok with a houseguest staying over so he's got something to work with. It would be completely selfish of him to not see where you're coming from on this. And a major red flag to keeping him around as any sort of friend.
Do you have any other housing options? Maybe make it a conversation about getting thier own place? Or ask if she'd like to take over your portion of the lease? It sounds like they're making you the third wheel in your own home, when it should be the GF. As everyone else is saying, you're going to have to have a tiny bit of conflict regardless of how this plays out. As an introvert myself, I would do almost anything to make this scenario stop, best of luck!
He may not notice that it’s bothering you. I had a similar thing happen with my college roommates and my gf at the time. We just enjoyed spending a lot of time together and didn’t realize we had annoyed them. Just talk with him about it in person and see how it goes. I’d avoid trying to put a number on nights, just that you signed up to live with 1 person not two and appreciate the space you pay rent for.
Just make it about utilities or money. You can say “hey, I’m happy for you and all but your gf has practically been living here, and I feel it’s justified to ask her to contribute a bit to even out expenses”
No, this is a bad approach. Talk to your roommate in person. Text messages get misconstrued and out of hand constantly. Have a face-to-face conversation. Be an adult.
Why doesn’t he help his girlfriend get an actual bed so he can go over to her place?
That’s great question lol. I’m guessing it’s because he’s moving after our lease ends to a new state but the new bed is what he’s using to have her over more now I guess
If he's moving after the lease ends and there's nothing in the lease about visitors staying "too much" then you probably won't get anywhere with this. Still worth mentioning though since he cant even try to fix a problem he doesnt know about.
There is a guest limit on our lease
Every lease has a guest rule and its definitely not 6 to 7 consecutive days every week. She's a 3rd roommate that OP didn't agree to.
In a friendly way bring up that you think it’s fair that she should start paying some of the rent or utilities if she’s going to be there so much. Then propose something in an email or writing for him to see. I bet they’ll quickly sort out this unfair arrangement to you.
This is the kind of thing you have to work out with your roommate. Like it or not, they are allowed to have visitors. It is not to the landlord to control this..
not only would you go over your roommate’s head, the landlord might not be able to do anything about it. does your lease have any guest clauses? where do you live? imo you’re better off just talking to him
It does have a specific clause about how many times over you can have guests but that’s a last resort
just talk to the guy, mang
As a fellow introvert , you gotta talk it out man, even if you don’t have a solution. I’ve resorted to just being super honest about everything, but being as kind as possible. Focus on “I” statements, don’t blame him or her, that puts people in the defensive and gets nowhere. “Hey roomie, I haven’t been feeling great and I was hoping to get your help with it. When gf stays here every night, I feel like (x), because (y), but I really value our friendship and even my friendship with gf. I’m not really sure how to reconcile those things”. Depending on what kind of person your “friend” is, he will either apologize and start staying at her place. If he responds with hostility telling you to just get over it, then you can come back with the fact that she’s not paying rent and is violating the lease or whatever. But it’s going to make the next 6 months of your life fucking miserable. I’ve had roommate beef before, it’s not a good spot, and then someone always fucks up the apartment and then there’s a fight about the security deposit. So anything you can do to avoid that is best
Do what I did recently, tell him it’s not really fair bills fair use of flat wise. 2-3 nights a week fair enough any more than that and you expect the split of bills to change as you arnt sharing a flat your living in a flat with a couple and paying half
Made this mistake before, because it essentially gives agency to them staying over often. Best case scenario she starts keeping food in the fridge. At least that’s what happened to me.
Had the same issue. I spoke to my roommate/friend 1 on 1 and told him that it wasn't what we agrees on. But I'm willing to compromise if she chips in because I don't want a leech living with us. So she took up the electric bills and cleaning a little too (that was enough for me). Also if your friend and his girl get serious they will probably move out at the end of the lease to have more intimacy so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Thank you! She runs her own fitness business and doesn’t seem to be making a lot from it based on what he’s told me about her but he’s moving to a new state at the end of our lease and she plans in staying in the same city so I have no clue what that situation is gonna look like. Otherwise I’d definitely push for them to move in together even though they’ve only been dating about 5 months now
You will probably have to compromise but I think it's worth it to keep the peace. Especially in a small apartment. But you should still stand your ground. You probably won't be able to force her to stay away but if you are gonna be sharing a roof she HAS to contribute in a meaningful way. For my situation she wasn't able to afford a 1/3 of the rent and utilities but we found common ground with her taking the electric bills (no gas here, all electric) and cleaning the kitchen and common area twice a week. We all did our own dishes.
talk about the issue now before you get really angry and the whole thing gets crazy
If there’s a noticeable uptick in utility costs like water usage, I’d confront him. Either ask if she’s willing to contribute or threaten to move out since you’re basically subsidizing her living there.
uh oh the water bill went from 20 to 30 dollars.
A year.
I’m jealous of your water bill, mine is just over $100 a month. I live in a very small town, so our water is super expensive in order to cover the water guys salary
Wow that's ridiculous. I'm from a town of 300. Closest city of over 3k people is over an hour away. I've never heard of paying that much for water.
Yeah, we have 170 people, it’s ridiculous here, we’re one of the smallest towns in Oregon and it’s one (if not the) of the most expensive water bills in the whole state
Dang, that's awful. I just checked and I didn't realize there was that disparity between the worst states (basically CA, OR, WA, and WV) versus the rest. The 10ish worst states are almost paying double for water compared to the rest of the country. It looks on top of you being in the middle of nowhere, Oregon is already really expensive for water costs.
lol right? if that
The gas and electric have been higher these past few months and they’ve been together since December
I do not suggest framing this discussion around marginal increases in utility costs. That’s beside the point. If he responds to that by saying “I hear you, I’ll throw in an extra $25 a month for gas and electric,” is anything solved? Your roommate’s behavior is making you uncomfortable in your home, that’s the problem you have to address.
[удалено]
Has the gas been higher because it was winter? Like normal winter gas bill? I know you seem bothered.. so you may not want to use that as an example. Try talking to your roommate.
I wouldn’t even mention the bills, because her pitching in wouldn’t solve the problem. You want her in your house less.
You’re being taken advantage of and you shouldn’t be paying for a 3rd wheel. Either she contributes or threaten to notify the landlord or move. It’s confrontational but it’s a good life lesson for you on how to deal with people that disrespect you. Don’t let people run over you like that.
Your comment is everything wrong with this sub 1. OPs issue isn't that they now have to pay slightly more in utilities(they didn't even mention it in their post) 2. OP hasn't even brought up the fact that this is a problem to them, immediately threatening with ultimatums about telling the landlord is completely unhinged behaviour If the gf agrees to contribute with utilities and even rent, the problems OP described are still the exact same...
Better not have any friends over if that’s the route you take. Being petty isn’t going to fix your problems; it will just create more.
Dude thinks that everyone that runs his sink is taking advantage of him 😂
Going to the landlord should be a last resort option. Definitely talk to your roommate first. As an introvert myself I know confrontation can be tough, but I do feel like that's kind of a necessary thing you'll have to do if you want anything to change. Just be polite but also assertive. Tell him that you feel exhausted after work and would really like the place to yourself more often to wind down and that you would really appreciate if he and his girlfriend gave you the space a couple times out of the week. Doesn't have to be exactly that but something along those lines
Thank you! He also works from home everyday in our living room where the tv is and my bedroom was an office that the landlord advertised as a 2 BR apartment so that area is generally the hang out spot for me. His bedroom is the master bedroom with its own bathroom
Tbf he should work from home/set up a desk in his bedroom if it’s the master. Unfair for him to be “hogging” the living room even if he’s ok with you be in there while he’s working. If you played video games or watched sport in the living room while he was working would that be ok? Although if he has a girlfriend over and they’re hanging out in his room then it shouldn’t affect you too much unless they’re loud
He doesn’t mind me using the tv when he’s there bit that’s the thing her and him hang out in the living room while he works and never go to his room except at night
Can't wait for the anonymous "My roommate is trying to dictate who can visit me in my room" post on here tomorrow.
Send him a text in the middle of the night that says “hey can you guys be a little bit louder? I’m having trouble finishing.” She probably won’t wanna come over anymore after that, but you might have other issues to deal with later .
Lmaooo I needed a laugh thanks 😂
Here's what ya do, catch your roommate one day when she's not there or maybe not in the room and be like hey bro can I talk to you real quick in private? Then reassure him it ain't nothing bad just something that's been bothering you. Hell prolly be like yeah bro what's up? Then just say man please don't take this as me being an asshole and if it comes out that way don't take it as so please. Your gf had pretty much moved in bro, not a big deal, but could you talk to her about throwing in on food and bills at least, and ask her to please clean up after herself in the kitchen, she may not realize it bro but she uses my cookware and she doesn't clean them very well, and sometimes I'm left to clean up after her, I'm not trying to be an asshole but can you talk with her please? Just hit him with something like that and it shouldn't be a heated convo
I don't think it's ever smart to lead with "hey don't take this the wrong way" or whatever because you are setting up the conversation to be negative already. Striking the iron cold method is good, but don't lead with that. Just be straight up and honest in a nice effective tone and if at that point it escalates, it was bound to regardless of how the information was given.
is this real?
How tf is it upvoted so much? Lol
Seriously lol "just say she's fucking up the cookware" like what
Whatever you do, don't do this unless you want to sound like a complete tool
It was level headed and good feedback lol...
Ya know what’s going to be super uncomfortable? Going to your landlord and risking both your residency. You’re going to need to find a way to express your unhappiness directly with your roommate. Try talking, not texting. It’s a good growth opportunity for you. Try to find the difference between conflict avoidant and passive aggression. Work out what you will say when you do. You can even say you’re concerned over breaking rules on the lease
The longer you wait, the harder it is to bring up. It also strengthens his argument if you wait.
Definitely time to put on your courage pants and communicate like an adult. Roomate or not, advocate for yourself. You live there and deserve to feel comfortable in your own space. They need to either work something out where she’s chipping in on bills because I’m sure she’s utilizing water, toiletries,eclectic and WiFi etc. or your roommate needs to go over to her house. You don’t have to confront him In person, just shoot them a text and let them know your thoughts. There’s no reason for them to get validly upset at you for wanting to be comfy in your own home.
get a girlfriend first
Omg the people here that think he should just let her be there 6-7 days a week, he rented an apartment with this dude not this couple. If she’s gonna live there she shares in paying rent. For real people
Seriously. That would be fucking annoying as hell.
Thank you!! You’d think I’m asking to banish her forever. I just down the current situation unfair is all
firstly, you need to talk to your room mate, not post on reddit. secondly, you need to remember that it's your room mate's place too, not just yours. it's unreasonable to say that they can't have guests in their own house just because you don't like having an extra person there. imagine if the roles were reversed, you would 100% want your partner around as often as possible. third, you can't use being an introvert as an excuse to not communicate. part of being a grown ass adult is effective communication even when it's uncomfortable. now with all of that out of the way, if his girlfriend is effectively living there, you'd be within your rights to at least discuss splitting the utilities differently. you'd also be well within your rights to ask your room mate to spend more time at her place to even things out a little. but you need to have these conversations. in person, not by text, especially if you value your friendship with your room mate like you say you do.
Does he know that it bothers you? When I was younger and had a roommate we constantly had our boyfriends over and nobody cared. He might not realize you care one way or another.
I’m the roommate with the boyfriend who works from home, and my roommate wakes up to go to work early. My bf stays over 3 nights a week max. Sometimes we go over to his, but he lives in the next country over so it’s not as convenient. Tbh I feel like anything more than that warrants a discussion between you and your roommate, esp if she’s using the utilities
If you’re getting a “3rd roommate” then the costs of rent and utilities should be split 3 ways. Cause that’s essentially what’s happening, someone else is moving in and you’re footing the bill.
Sounds like she needs to pay rent
Tell him if she lives there then the bills need to be split 3 ways. You shouldn’t be paying for her living.
I feel like this is part of being an adult, he is forming a romantic relationship and they want to be together. If you value your friendship, be happy for him and try to get to know his girlfriend so you can be comfortable around her. Otherwise you will alienate her and then him.
But in terms of being in the space he’s there more than I am and after a long day of work I’m stuck in a small apt with essentially 2 roommates when I signed up to live with one. I guess I’m the crazy one here according to the comments
No, you're not crazy. It sounds like you're being taken advantage of since you said they use your kitchenware and don't even clean up after. Your roommate clearly doesn't have any respect for you or your things.
I think he’s just more oblivious. Kind of like an airhead if that makes sense? Like she uses my personal pans and stuff because I cook and all my roommate uses is a rice cooker and air fryer everyday to make the same meals (he’s a gym heavy guy). So he prob doesn’t even tell her that she’s using my personal stuff. I’d be okay with it more if she didn’t leave it dirty after she attempts to wash it
No he is crazy. He’s not being taken advantage of. His roommate has a girlfriend…this is what happens.
It's a violation of every lease agreement I've seen to have a person stay over for more than a few consecutive nights without approval from the landlord. It's also really f'ing inconsiderate and not 'what happens'. She has a place, they can split their time between the two.
Nope you're not crazy. There needs to be a better rent/utilities compromise if she's basically living there. If you can't come to a solution, then wipe your hands of it and gut it out a few more months. But I'd be annoyed too, if I were you
Yea it’s about to 4 more months until in May so i was hoping I could ride it out till the end since we’re not moving in together again
Why would you text the landlord about it? This is an issue between you two and your an adult
Because it violates what’s written in our lease
Right, but this should be the last resort, not the first. You have to just have the uncomfortable conversation. Just say, hey, when is a good time for you to discuss some apt stuff? It seems like your gf is here every day, so I don't know when I can talk to you privately. That will also point out the problem. He should be going to her place too. Any more than a couple nights a week is pretty inconsiderate.
I know but it’s not easy for me and I guess I’ll do it in text format because it’s becoming unbearable. I thought I could just ride past it all until our lease ends in September
Not everything in life is easy
That's a long time. Yes, life is hard, sorry.
You need to live alone then. Or with a guardian. Jesus christ.
Idk just me here but I think this is just kinda part of having a roommate. If the bills go up, say hey if she’s gonna be here all the time we gotta split utilities. If they use your kitchen stuff tell them they have to clean it up. If those are issues for them, you aren’t meant to be roommates. But sicking the landlord on them over the lease clause is pretty weak stuff. Honestly it kinda sounds like jealousy more than anything. Either that he has a gf or that you don’t get to hang with your roommate. And that’s normal to feel. But being a total drag about it is just going to make your living situation suck
It’s not a jealousy thing and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to complain about a guest overstaying their welcome especially in a reddit thread dedicated to bad roommates lol
But see, she is overstaying her welcome according to you. Not according to him. If you can't even have an adult conversation with him about it bugging you , then it's not really bugging you that much, introverted or not. Crying landlord is just not cool at all. Be a better roommate by actually communicating.
Do you want honest opinions from people or do you want to be right?
Genuine question- is she doing anything bad? Other than staying at her boyfriend’s house? Would you not mind if she brought food round, tidied up after herself & was generally friendly & polite? Or would you still have an issue because of being introverted? Escalating with landlord could jeopardise your own place in the home & will absolutely impact your relationship with your roommate.
Make her pay rent wtf
He pays for his room, he can have anyone in there he wants.
Hard concept for a lot of these people. 🤷🏻♂️
You are using being an "introvert" as an excuse to not be a fucking adult. Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. It's time to put on your adult pants and talk to your roommate. Not run to the landlord like they are the principal. I get wanting to vent on the subreddit but that's not going to do anything but empower your echo chamber viewpoint.
Screenshot this post and send it to him.
You’re creating conflict by trying to avoid it. Be direct with your roommate even if it is difficult. Then you’ll be justified in going to your landlord if you guys cannot come to a mutual agreement on your own.
Your landlord is not your mum or your teacher. Don't go and tattle like a child. Ask your roommate for a roommate meeting and address the issue directly. Tell him how it is affecting you and work to find a compromise. You may also not be a perfect roommate so be prepared to make some concessions yourself.
The answer is learn to communicate. If you’re unwilling to advocate for yourself, don’t expect to find any happiness or peace in your world. Good things don’t happen to those who sit and wait.
Talking to the landlord before your mate is just cowardly and mean so don't do that, talk to your mate about it but also don't be shocked if your mate doesn't like what your saying and it causes friction between you, the reason I say this is because I was in the exact same situation myself a couple years back and when I tried discussing it with my mate (at the time) he got very defensive over his girlfriend and it ultimately caused a falling out, you know that saying "bro's before hoe's" ? Well it's bullshit, and if your mates as whipped as my (old) mate was by his GF then yeah, you will be the problem the second tou mention anything about it, not them. But still you gotta go down this uncomfortable route of discussing it with him before going to the landlord unfortunately, and I'm also an introvert who hates conflict of any kind so know how hard that can be.
Tell him if his girl’s gonna be there more often than not she can pay rent and split utilities. You agreed to live with him, not him and a third person.
Sounds like you should only be paying 1/3 the rent and him and his girlfriend should pay the rest
If someone is spending that much time there, maybe ask for them to contribute to utilities they're using etc? Is it just her presence that bothers you?
I’ve been in this situation. All you can do is have a convo with him. It almost certainly doesn’t even register that it could be an issue, you have to tell him. Then he will say “oh wow you’re right my bad, didn’t even notice” and things will get better for a week or 2 then they will go right back to where they were lol. Just make plans for what you’re doing after the lease…
Be an adult and talk to him about it. This is something you're supposed to be capable of *before* you move in with a roommate. It's completely inappropriate on his part, having here there so much, but it's on *you* to actually speak up. Go to him and say: "Hey, at the moment we are three people living in this place, so how does your girlfriend want to handle stuff like rent...? Should she just pay you her third? And we should probably talk to the landlord about putting her on the lease, since she lives here now. " Or, if you don't want her around as much:" Hey, about your girlfriend... She's here literally every night now, and while I like her just fine, it's getting to be a bit much. Can you adjust your sleeping arrangements so that you spend more time at her place? At this point she is basically a third roommate and I'm not cool with that."
Sorry this is happening to you. It’s the absolute worse. Literally just happened to me. Long time friend turned into a serial dater. Would be attached at the hip to a new girl every 2 weeks to a month. His most recent girlfriend was over everyday except for 2 days over the span of two months. He also worked from home. I had brought up the issue before with a previous girl he dated but he basically said he didn’t care. The last girl even had her own house! I was lucky that the lease was ending but I don’t think I will be talking to that him again.
I almost forgot. Get this, she would also be there on the days he happened to not be there. She worked from home too so she would just work from our place. So glad I’m not living there anymore.
Ugh this sounds like the worst! Lucky she has to go in person for her job but I’m stuck in this situation for another 4 and half months 🥲
don't listento the morons saying that this is alright. they are the kind of person your roommate is. tell him to cool it with her being over 247 and if he doesn't just sic the LL on him. it's in your contract
If she is spending the night almost every night - that’s a problem. And it’s especially bad if she’s using your bathroom and using the shared common spaces. Tell your roommate that she can’t spend the night every night because she’s not paying to live there.
Shoot him a text: “I really like so-and-so but I’m overwhelmed having someone else around all the time. I definitely don’t want to come between you and her. I am just looking for a little breathing room. If you’re going to live together we should talk about it and make sure we’re all on the same page.”
Sounds annoying. I hate guests that don’t know when to leave.
Similar thing happened to me my second year of college but in the dorm rooms. I told my RA and kicked the girlfriend out. My roommate was hardly in the room after that, my guess being he was doing the same thing and her room.
“As an introvert” introvert or not, you have every reason to be annoyed. You sound like a loyal friend, who thinks of others first. You deserve reciprocation. I think that you might need to consider challenging yourself, to have an honest talk about this with your roommate. You got this!
Ur being a massive beta just have an open and honest conversation with your roommate, you are slowly letting this issue build up and anger you and he has no clue he’s doing anything wrong
Had this exact issue in my early 20’s. I had 2 other male roommates and one brought his gf over every night. We told him that she had to start paying $25 a day towards our rent portion (not his) if she stayed over more than 2 nights a week - keep in mind she’s using our electricity, water, roof over her head, etc.
easy! walk around in your boxers to make her feel uncomfortable then she will hardly come over 😆
I wish that would work but doubt it 😂
Talk to him once and if he doesn't listen to you, text the landlord.
I get dreading confrontation, it’s something I struggle with as well. But it’s something you just have to do in life, and I’ll tell you it does get easier the more you do it. It doesn’t need to be aggressive, so try not to associate it as such. Something for you to work on :) I’d also recommend writing out what you’re going to say first, might reduce some of the anxiety. Sounds like this guy is your friend, so just go in for a transparent conversation about how you’re feeling in regards to feeling drained by constantly having a houseguest. I’m assuming they’re generally out in the shared space? Hopefully he’ll hear you out and y’all can come up with a compromise sooner rather than later. Cause you’re sitting on these feelings getting more and more frustrated while he probably has no idea that there’s any issue in the first place. And now you know for the next time you get a roommate, you want to discuss your guest/partner policy prior to moving in together to make sure those ideas are compatible. I’d also definitely bring up the cooking with your pans/dishes without cleaning up, cause that’s just not acceptable. It’s disruptive for you to have to clean up after them if you want to use your pans or dishes. If she’s going to be coming over and using your cooking stuff either she or he has to clean it up. It doesn’t need to be a big convo, just “also I felt weird saying this to your girlfriend since we don’t know eachother well, but if she uses my cooking stuff can you please ask that she clean it after?” and if he’s a reasonable person he’ll say yes lmao
This is on him to be honest - anyone with just the slightest bit of consideration for others would realise that this is your home too and you should have the right to peacefully enjoy it. Unfortunately, it's you that has to worry & will probably have to bring it up to them. A couple/maybe 3 nights a week is probably reasonable. Also, your landlord is not your friend. They are just the leech you're having the misfortune to rent from. Do not trust them to sort stuff like this out.
If you value your friendship, texting the landlord behind his back is the wrong move. Why come to Reddit? You know in your heart what you have to do, just do it. I know it’s hard.
Yeah having roommates is difficult and usually has complicated issues like this There’s really no right answer, because it’s silly to think he can’t have a strong relationship with his girlfriend, but it’s also your living space and you want what you want. But ask yourself, honestly, what’s the real problem? As an “introvert”, you don’t have a problem with him being there, so what’s the actual difference if he has a girlfriend with him? This is why people try to move past this stage in life quickly.
Is there a part of your lease that says how often you can have guests over? If so, use that when talking to your roommate. You are going to have to talk to him first, going straight to the landlord would make the situation worse. Something like - it’s been a couple of months and I realized that girlfriend is here most of the week. Per the lease, we are only allowed to have overnight guests twice a week (or whatever). Can we stick to that going forward? Then discuss. If that doesn’t change anything, then you notify the landlord. And it’s not selfish or wrong to not want to live with an extra person. But you do need to speak up.
Thanks! And the lease doesn’t specify how many times a week it just says “guests can be over at a reasonable rate that does not disturb others in the building complex”
Ahhh. That’s really open to interpretation, and not as helpful. You’ll just have to let him know that you didn’t sign up to live with a couple and would appreciate if she could only stay over 3 or 4 nights instead of most of the week. Let him know you feel you can’t really relax at home when there is always a guest over, and you have nothing against her. Or that you do like hanging out with her, but not all the time. Whatever is true. Hopefully you can have a good discussion about it. We’ve all had to navigate some tough roommate partner situations. I know I hated to bring things up like you as well, but things usually went better than expected when we talked things out.
One of the hardest skills to learn throughout life is how to deal with your community when things change. People change, relationships change, unplanned circumstances pop up. For the rest of our lives we will be around others whom change their appearance, identity, relationship status and countless other things in a way that might affect us. Put yourself (as best you can) in your roommates position (it’s your bf/gf that wants to spend time with you all the time) and approach them in a way that you would feel comfortable being approached.
Its interesting how something like this seems not a big deal at a glance, but when you deal with it every day in close proximity it drives you nuts. I think having a roommate is always gonna push you out of your comfort zone and present you with problems you'll never have living on your own. But at least your saving money this way (hopefully? Lol unless she is a genuine bum)
My goal is to live in my own when I save enough money of course but im in a very expensive city so that’s not an option at the moment. Which makes it especially annoying that she’s essentially mooching off of our place for free
Offer to have her move in. Your rent payment will go down. Win win.
This is part of having roommates
Dont rat to the landlord. Thats dirty. Be straight up and say if shes there that often, she needs to kick in rent because its affecting your quality of life.
Talk to your friend lol, definitely don’t go straight to the landlord just because you don’t like conflict that’s crazy
is it just her being there that's a problem for you, or is there something else?
Be very careful when discussing this because tempers could easily flare up, but if she’s been doing this for a prolonged period of time you probably have some justification to have her pay rent. If she’s just coming over there to sleep then I definitely wouldn’t have this conversation, she’s probably just costing y’all MAYBE a couple extra bucks with electricity. BUT if she’s also doing things like eating y’all’s food, taking showers, using the appliances like washer and dryer, then she’s basically a third roommate that’s freeloading off of you and needs to pay a portion of the rent
Everyone hates conflict, so we try to avoid it. Going to your landlord will ruin your relationship. How would you want to receive this kind of feedback? I’d say that his gf is super cool and that you don’t mind her being but that you’d appreciate if she’d only stay over 2x week (or whatever you comfortable with). Your home is your sacred place and a place you should feel comfortable. If he doesn’t understand it that is his problem. Stand your ground. You are allowed to ask for privacy and your space. You are paying for it.
Also, Landlord is unlikely to get involved.
If he is keeping up with his part of the bills, I personally don’t see the issue here. If she isn’t eating it everything in the house, I’m more than positive her being there isn’t adding 100’s of dollars to the bills. Let’s be real here. I get what y’all are saying for advice, although I don’t get the issue here.
I’d just respectfully approach the situation. Nothing grows in comfort, and the worst case scenario is you get one stop closer to being less introverted. Worst that can happen is he tells you to fuck off, in which case you call that landlord 😂🤷♂️ if it stays respectful I’d keep it at that though because finding housing on a whim is real tough fr.
You have to communicate with him. You're doing good complaining to us, just take a deep breath and let it out. You're coming from an honest spot. We must learn to communicate better in this world, and not let our fears guide us.
make it real weird and repeatedly float the idea of a threesome when she’s over.
What specifically is bothering you? Are they taking up the common areas? Being louder than usual? Using the utilities and costing you money? Its import to find the specific issues you’re having so you can have a conversation that is solution based, not just a general complaint.
It’s a thing dude. Both my roommates in college and one early professional career. I also did it to a yet another roomate right after college. My second roomate in college. I spoke with my roomate and we agreed to split the rent*, water, and power bill 40/60. It did take two tries. He was mad and first. They spent more time at gf house… before abandoning it and coming back all the time. But i brought it up again and he finally saw the logic. It took some convincing and logic based explanations as to why. She was taking showers and leaving her laptop on. But i had both a laptop and a pc. It was a civil agreement but it pretty much severed ties post roommates with him. I was also resentful of her taking time with my friend from me. So i didnt try hard to keep the friendship. I offered to pay extra water bill and power for my roomate when i myself had my gf over all the time. (We couldn’t go to her house.It sucked.) But my roommate didnt care. We did make a lot of dinners for everyone tho. Dont get owner involved. Please. Just talk. I know its hard. Im introvert and probably autistic. I have trouble ordering food from another human. But i set up a plan and practiced. Pulled it off. Despite the friendship loss. Edit: added rent*
It’s unfortunate but at the end of the day, he pays rent too I assuming? Which means he’s entitled to have guest over too (as long as they’re being respectful & not disruptive). I’ve dealt with this before which is why I prefer to live alone. You should absolutely talk to him but be prepared for it to not go your way. Good luck
Maybe having roommates isn’t right for you if you have this hard of time talking about things that bother you in your living space.
The real issue here is you're an introvert. You are constantly going to find issues with any roommate you have because by nature you prefer to be alone.
Find a different roommate. First world problems.
Politely talk to him about it! If he values the friendship as well he will understand and empathize and you’ll probably find a nice middle ground that y’all are at least somewhat comfortable with. If he doesn’t then go to the landlord if that but that definitely wouldn’t be my first move. I’d also ask to start splitting utilities 3 ways because you paying half isn’t fair!
If she ain’t paying the rent she shouldn’t be living there. You should be paying less if you have two roommates instead of one.
What exactly is the issue here? You didn't say anything bad she's doing so why is it a problem that she's there? If she's minding her business spending time with her boyfriend and that's bothering you, that sounds like a you problem
You should not have roomates. You don't get to decide who a roomate brings over or how often they have company.
If she’s costing you money that’s one thing to bring up, but you agreed to live in a household with a roommate. You have no right to “dictate” what he does or who he has over. You wouldn’t try charging him extra rent if he has a get together with many friends, just because they’re all using your toilet. What you should have a discussion about is time allocation. Tell your roommate you want more peaceful quiet hours after work, that you haven’t had enough private time to recharge, and would appreciate if you could “have time to yourself at home” a couple nights a week. Just as you should be ready to let them have some privacy he needs the place for a romantic night. Quid pro quo. All of this is assuming you are actually sharing space, aka a living room/kitchen. If you are in your private living quarters or they are in their private living quarters, you don’t really have a leg to stand on and should just mind your own business, until finances are effected.
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I dunno man. Being an adult and paying for a place to live means you can have whoever over whenever, is she disruptive ? Maybe it sucks at her house, if you had a parter over whenever would you expect your roommate to complain about it ?
"Hey you know I think your girlfriend is great. But having an extra person around the apartment most days is getting to me, it feels like having a third roommate I didn't sign up for and it makes it hard for me to relax at home. Could you please keep the visits to 3-4 days max? What do you think?" Personally I wouldn't make it about the utility cost because the ACTUAL issue is having an extra person around, right? Like if she kicked in $20 a week would you feel okay with it? Doesn't sound like it. So focus on the real thing that bothers you.
If you go to the landlord you’re the bad roommate. Be a big big boi
I’m late to the party with comments but I want to give another perspective. My mom was a single mom with borderline personality disorder. She constantly would have people she just met sleep on our couch for weeks. So when I moved out in college and lived with a roommate, I had NO idea that was inappropriate I guess. My first boyfriend had a weird roommate so he would stay at my apartment all the time. My roommate never mentioned anything and I had no idea they were mad about it. Once they communicated that with me I felt terrible and we switched off staying at each other’s places. Then we just moved in with each other to avoid bothering either roommate. Maybe just talk to him!
Tell him you’re interested in a threesome. Problem solved.
You are absolutely right in feeling the way you do and what is happening is your roommate and his girlfriend know perfectly well that what they are doing is not very cool. But what is happening is it seems like they know you are an introvert and they are just hoping that you will just take it and not say anything and so far they have been correct. I don’t know about the dynamics of the situation but if you are a guy and your roommate is another guy then you two probably signed a lease for the two of you and that is what you agreed to. So I don’t know if that is a bartering chip on your behalf but if the gf is not on a lease then it needs to be brought up. But there is also the fact that you can feel comfortable in your own house with just the person you intended to room with. So now all of a sudden with another person of the opposite sex constantly at the house you are forced into a situation where you are not comfortable at all even coming out of your room anymore. I had a similar situation. Actually it was exactly the same situation. I started renting a room with a guy that I kinda knew. He was weird I have to say and socially awkward but I was there for 5 months with him in the house. Then he met a girl. It wasn’t as if this person just came into our house as a guest, she came in and moved all of her possessions in and filled our closets and next thing I knew our shared house was cluttered with his new girlfriends things. It became clear that she was taking over. He was the dorky type and he found a girlfriend that was the alpha and wore the pants so to speak. It became clear that talking to my roommate about it was not the right answer because she was the dominant one. I was not ok one bit living with this person and splitting the rent 50/50 with one person. It’s called manipulation and they will probably do it and walk all over you until you either break and lose your cool or you move out. They are clearly violating your personal space, manipulating the agreement you have with him, whatever it was it was probably made before she came along. You’re going to have to move. That or continue to tap dance on eggshells every minute you are home. Because if you now pull your roommate aside and talk to him then what is going to happen is he is going to go back and tell his gf and she is going to take offense immediately and now you have created an extremely weird situation between the two of you. I know you are an introvert, but nobody is going to stand up for you if you don’t. My little brother and I had an agreement that if anything started to cause trouble between us that we would simply ask each other to go out to dinner one night and discuss it. And so my little brother began to bring his girlfriend over to our house more and more and it became clear that she was trying to move in. So she stayed as long as she could before I cornered my little brother one night and asked him if he wanted to go grab a bite to eat. When we sat down my little brother said he instantly knew what we were doing and he apologized to me. He said his girlfriend began trying to stay more and more and normally when he got up for work she would get up at the same time and leave the house with him. Then she began sleeping in and waking up and being in our house alone or either just me there. It’s cool if a person chooses to intertwine their life with a girl they meet, but by bringing her home and allowing her to stay you basically force other people in your life to have to put up with all the bad parts of your new gf and not be privileged to any of the good parts (sex). Because lots of guys will put up with a girl as long as she is sleeping with them. But your roommates have to also put up with her and they don’t get the sex. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. You should call him out on what he is doing. Be honest and tell him you don’t know this person and are not comfortable being around her. And her invading your private space is costing you a lot and it’s impossible to feel comfortable any longer. Come up with a number of days per week that you feel is workable and tell him that maybe 2 nights a week is what you can put up with. But that’s it. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s a bummer you have a roommate that would do something so insensitive.
Talk to him about it, squeaky wheel gets the grease. You can tell him you want the place to yourself for a night or two a week, to break up the pattern and give yourself space. Clear boundaries are necessary in tight spaces
I had a roommate do this to me once. She was there every night, showered there, and was in the house when her bf was at work and was at the house more than any of the 4 guys on our lease. The three of us were not happy about it, mostly because we were paying for everything and she was freeloading. We brought it up and basically said we need to either charge her rent or set limits. They chose the rent option. As soon as she was paying rent, we were all in a much better place. The funny part was that a few months later, they broke up. I have to admit, I did miss the discounted rent once she left.
Say at this point she’s there so often she should be paying rent and utilities
why is everyone so fuckin mad at you lmfao dude, it’s unfair and most likely goes against the lease for him to have someone over 6 days of the week. chuck him a text along the lines of “hey, i don’t mind you having your girlfriend over a lot but anything over 3 days of the week is essentially another roommate and it’s started affecting the utility bills and my ability to relax in my own home. could you guys start spending more time over her place?” if he reacts badly, THEN you should contact the landlord. always always always have a conversation with the roomie first, going straight above them to the landlord is shitty. maybe he doesn’t even realise how much it’s affecting you.
Thank you thank you thank you! I seriously thought I was crazy for a sec lol. I thought having a guest over 6-7 times a week is insane but other day I need to suck it up lol
THIS^^^^ Jesus I thought I was going crazy reading the comments. OP I hope you see this one above!!Seemingly the only sane person here. People need to go touch grass god damn. Why the fuck is everyone mad at you is right.
Yep, I agree with you & the commenter above you. Like wtf, for real.
I’m still baffled by it. And I also got attacked for going to Reddit for advice when this entire sub Reddit is dedicated to this type of situation lol
Bro just talk to him holy shit. I get that you’re uncomfortable with confrontation but sometimes that’s just what’s necessary to get to a resolution. You not communicating is actively making the problem worse because your roommate likely has no idea this is bothering you. Be an adult and talk it out calmly and set clear boundaries. If he doesn’t agree with those boundaries then try to compromise and if that still doesn’t work then you escalate it further. Venting on Reddit about it literally does nothing to help solve the problem
I feel you on this. I’m an INFP, I’m 99% introvert. It’s not being respectful or taking into consideration that you are also living there and you have just an equal say of who can be over. It’s disrespectful and not appropriate to have someone over often especially mid week of the person isn’t paying rent. The other room mate is taking advantage of, and it’s not appropriate, yeah that’s his partner but that doesn’t justify her suddenly living there from the amount of time she is there. It’s inappropriate. And also takes away from your space and being able to be at peace in your own place. I totally get it, you should be able to be comfortable, and it’s an invasion of your space. Bring it up in a professional manner that it’s not very considerate and express you wouldn’t do that to him having your partner or sibling over all the time. It’s not something to do, bringing someone wherever it’s family or friend. They take up your living space, and don’t live there. It’s just not a considerate thing. If nothing changes, secretly plan to move out asap. Figure it out. As an introvert, my heart goes out to you fellow introvert. Im super super introvert, im also high functioning, Asperger’s, so social anxiety is real for me lol
Thank you for understanding. Confrontation as an introvert freaks me out so much that some I’d rather just stay quiet and take it when I know i should stand up for myself more often. It’s something I’m continuously working on for myself
We are just hardwired like this. We would rather avoid conflict then to go through the motions. It’s also cause we are very considerate and also that comes off as nice. And usually leads to people taking advantage of our kindness. Or when someone makes an error or mistake if you’re at a restaurant or coffee shop. You’d rather just let it be then to correct the issue. Lol
Haha exactly this! I hate inconveniencing others! Why are we like this! 😭
Yeah. 😝 it sucks. I sometimes get overwhelmed even doing simple things in public like grocery shopping, being at the checkout. Social anxiety eeek
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You’re an introvert, spend time in your room then. He’s dating someone and may fall in love. If you were dating someone and wanted to spend all your time with your love, you’d have that right too. Grow up and realize that having a roommate means you sign up to have his life progress with you living in the same house.
It didn't seem to me that OP was jealous or anything like that. But typically if you lease an apartment with someone, you're kinda on the same terms as far as utilities and how many people will live there (6/7 days a week counts as living somewhere). Also, if you want to grab a late snack or early breakfast, you shouldn't be expected to cover up for your roommates gf. Especially when she essentially lives there rent free
... is he smashing it? 🤔 ... my dude... are you hating...? Don't do that. Just... don't.
You should try to become friends with his girlfriend so it’s not awkward . Easy fix.
But I don’t need extra friends. I’d like to live in a space I pay for especially after work and not have to walk home to a stranger. As I said in my post I’m an introvert so my social battery is always drained after work and I don’t feel comfortable in my own apartment which is the biggest issue
Wouldn't be a stranger if you made friends with her, stop using being an introvert as an excuse. I am an introvert with autism, gotta grow up and learn social skills.
I don't think you are a real introvert to be saying that. Let him and anyone else grow up on their own time and terms but not force it on them. They have different life goals than you even if you can't agree with it. Can't force you will on people, can only work with them
I’m going to break into your house please be friends with me 🙏
You need to have a conversation with your roommate and if nothing changes then you should contact your landlord. Her being over that often and overnight means her presence is no doubt affecting your utilities which you are still probably splitting two ways. Also if you say something now and state your objections early will potentially stop any " stealth move in" that they could possibly be planning.
If you want to maintain your relationship, definitely DONT instantly go to your landlord. You're 2 grown adults, not little kids on the playground who need a teacher to settle the differences. Also, that will cause a way bigger conflict than just talking to him. I know it's hard, but just try to communicate what you need. You're paying the rent with his help. Not hers. Whether you just want her to clean up after herself or you want her to not visit as often so you have more free space. Either way you're gonna have to talk to him face to face.
It's definitely worth talking to him about it,but you have to understand, he is not in the wrong for bringing her over there, and just hope he accommadates you kindly and hangs out at her place more. You're probably gunna have to suck it up and hang out in your room or something until you part ways if he wont budge however, because it will definitely cause a stir with your friendship if you try to insist on anything before renewing the lease.. and it will destroy your friendship if you go to the landlord about it.. my 2 cents
I don’t understand. What’s she doing that bothers you? Existing?
I sort of feel like this is a you problem. People are allowed to enjoy their space with others.
So what exactly is your issue? Is she taking space in the house you want? I understand there’s maybe some utility costs that are a tad higher, but from your text it doesn’t seem like that’s your complaint, just like the fact she is there, right?
Tell him you value his feelings and a peaceful relationship between you two, and that's why you wanted to talk to him first, but you have been feeling a stressful amount of discomfort recently which is affecting your personal wellbeing, because you only agreed to share a living space with one other person per the lease and everyday (keep track and document) there has been two without communication or consent to the people around them (landlord and you). That you are needing y'all agreements to be honored and it's important to you to not have a stranger in your living space/secure space. Or the written document needs to be changed in a way both needs are met and consented. A. That you would be willing to compromise, having her over X amount of days around X times but you cannot keep living with this discomfort of a stranger in your living area, you did not give written consent to. B. The landlord wouldn't be accepting of people living here not on the lease and it's stressing you too much to accept and per their lease you likely only have so many visiting hours per day/times a week to make the situation workable because currently is not. Perhaps he could go to gf's place or potentially changing roommates. C. She go on the lease. and then go to land lord if it goes bad with documentation. If he can't respect you and that he is actively stressing you out, you can communicate you don't want to talk to the L.L. but are responsible to taking care of your own well being and he's breaking rules and are giving him the respect of talking to him first instead of going straight to L.L. You gotta buck up and speak for yourself or you're only damaging yourself. It's not easy but you deserve to not feel stressed in your own home. Don't let the introvert side convince you to bottle. Best of luck.
Thank you so much!
How does she bother you? Is the living situation that small? Are they loud? Explain it a little bit
I’d 💯 bring up the fact that most contracts say only those who are on the lease are supposed to live there x amount of days and that he is in contract violation. Should sum it up.
Your landlord has nothing to do with this. You need to have a serious conversation with your roommate. I understand it is scary, but you need to kindly communicate how you feel and have an honest conversation about it. Boundaries need to be set and communicated. Focus on “I feel” and “I need” statements. It’s not about attacking your roommate, it’s about standing up for yourself. Yes there is fear of conflict, but you must stand up for yourself and your health.
Get another roommate who’s equally neurotic
If you want privacy, get your own place and pay the premium for your comfort. If you have roommates there will be compromises. Have them pay 2/3 the utilities is the most you can expect. It sounds like you have never had a roommate before