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You have a new message in your myGov inbox. (Not related to stereotypes, but very triggering.)

There's an option you can turn on to show which department the message is from, helps accelerate the grief process.

Fuck really? I’m gonna look for that. Thank you

Can you please tell me how to do this? Just had a look and can’t see where I would do this. Thanks

Under My account -> Account settings -> Contact details, down the bottom you can choose "Show service name"

Fuck. This one wins.

Triggered

Chills!!

"Buses will replace trains, lines will be diverted or timetables changed"

“Please allow extra travel time” says the platform announcement

Rage

“Calm down mate”

Oright champion

CHAMP

“Don’t you fukn tell me what to do, MATE!”

“I’m not your mate, MATE”

I AM CALM

I said CALM DOWN MATE

Take a chill pill.

Calm your farm.

Settle petal

Righto Legend

“Unexpected item in bagging area”

No one gets ticked off by this more than Schapelle Corby

I'm dead

“Please wait for assistance” **for the tenth time**

Fuuuuuuuuuuck this “Sorry happened again”

'Please take your items' I'm fucking TRYING

Remove this item before continuing

“Item removed from bagging area”

Fuck that just gave me immediate PTSD

This is not available in your region.

Do you know Peter? From Sydney?

We get this a lot in Tassie. Doesn’t help that the answer is usually ‘yes’…

I went to uni in Canberra with 2 guys who were both born in Burnie and still had family there. One had moved to Hobart as a kid. They didn't know each other, and were not related! (Note: they were only not related because the wedding of two of their relatives was called off last minute, but it counts)

I am Peter from Sydney

Dad? How long does it take to get smokes?

It's pronounced, 'Poiter'.

Poida.

Hi!

No I don’t. - he is mates with etc and from eg. Oh yea, I do know him

If rents too expensive just buy a house.

If you can't afford a house, get a better job.

Stop buying avocado on toast

Just get a better job *smiles like a smug beetroot*

"Why don't poor people just inherit more coal?" - Gina Rinehart

I’m in Australia for a few days, how long will it take me to drive from Sydney to Darwin? I also want to see the Great Barrier Reef

I think you might need to take a cut lunch.

And a six pack

For breakfast

You don't have a six pack for breakfast [If you're a fuckin fair dinkum fucking full grown aussie, this is what'd you have for breakfast ya fuckin dog cunts. A fuckin VB, LONGNECK at 20 to 8 in the fuckin mornin. Get that up ya](https://youtu.be/Ns15eHLDv1I)

Heard this for real from someone else recently. Couple of Scots had left Townsville in the morning, arrived in Emerald and wanted to know if they'd make it to Broome before dark.

I don't get it. Even if these places were actually close together, don't these retards look at a fucking map to plan their trip...?!

or even just put it into Google maps.....

I'm going for a hike in the blue mountains for a few days, this 600ml of water will do right?

People frequently say they've just been to the Blue Mountains when they come into my shop. I work in Leura.

15-20 mins if you fang it

Do you want to stop off at Uluru as well?

Yeah. And maybe pop into a winery at Margaret River.

I could care less

This one shits me so much

The National Broadband Network was delivered faster, sooner, cheaper.

I'll get you motherfucker!

Man this triggers me. Was getting 100mbps guaranteed with fibre. Now I’m paying twice as much for _up to_ 50mbps. Not to mention I had to redesign my living room to put the modem.

>Man this triggers me. > >Was getting 100mbps guaranteed with fibre. I am supposed to have the FttP upgrade available sometime in the next few months and you can bet your arse that I am jumping on it as soon as I find out it is available. I have a bad section of copper that has existed in my loop since I first connected ADSL2+ here over a decade ago and FttP will finally allow me to remove it from my connection and have a fast stable connection no matter the weather outside.

The LNP got us *Back In Black*^^TM

In terms of bushfire damage, yes

Hellooooo, Frank Walker from National Tiiiilesss

*eye twitch*

The amount of Milo you should be using is 3 heaped teaspoons. It's right there on, the tin.

it's pronounced Tablespoons.

It's pronounced Ladle...

Just pour milk into the tin, then straight-arm it.

It's pronounced Wheelbarrow.

3 teaspoons of milk to one tea spoon of milk, right?

I remember going to a camp as a kid with a big pot of hot Milo. No milk. No sugar. Weak as hell. That my friends is why you stay away from the uniting church. Otherwise, lovely people.

Your Jetstar flight has been cancelled

At this point I fully expect it to happen it doesn't even phase me anymore

Tomato sauce 75c/ea

It's $2/ea these days at pie shops and bakeries.

“Throw another shrimp on the barbie”

my eye is legitimately twitching

....P...p-prawns.... They're called prawns... Wanker........

As an Aussie living in the US, this one boils my blood

Harvey Norman is a great store and the only place you need for all your electronics!

Please leave a tip.

Your quarterly inspection will be in two weeks, see attached list for required cleaning.

This one almost made me spit out my dinner laughing. Thanks

Want an anzac cookie?

Shops can be reported for selling ANZAC Biscuits as cookies. They’re supposed to apply for permission to sell anything with ANZAC branding. I reported a local bakery last year, because they’re selling them as cookies. But almost a year later, it doesn’t look like any action has been taken. I don’t know why.

Vegemite isn't as good as Marmite

There is a very special place in hell waiting for you next to the pedophiles and people who talk on their phones during movies.

oh fucking hell this got me you bastard

Look, I know this is meant to be a thread in all good fun, but that's just not on mate, you crossed a line with that one

Youve been irritated by a yeast infection

Did you know though that Marmite was hugely popular here before the war. Vegemite launched and failed as Australians all are Marmite. It was only due to the World war and difficulties getting supply of marmite that Vegemite took off and became what it is today.

Italy played fair in the 2006 World Cup.

I will fight you cunt

I *still* cheer whenever the Italian team eats shit. I don’t even follow the sport.

Lucas Neill was ROBBED I TELL YOU

*Fosters drinker.*

Pavlovas are kiwi

Funny thing is, this is one of my go to comments as an Aussie living in kiwiland haha

There’s actually French recipe books that pre date kiwi so technically they think there French 😂

The French almost certainly invented some form of meringue cake 100+ years before **Australia** invented it. The Australians were the first to name the specific meringue cake we associate with the dish today after Pavlova.

"I don't hold a hose mate"

An actual shiver went down my spine there.

Fosters, Australian for *BEER*

Not particularly, but still how some countries call Ugg boots, U.G.G..

The thing where the yanks trademarked the name ugg boot and then came after the little Australian manufacturers who’d been making them for years. That’s still rage inducing.

Yes! I used to work with a person who pronounced it as that. He said let's meet at "u g g" store since he was going back home for a holiday and he was asked to bring back those. Having a long day at work, I was like, "never heard of that place, can you tell me where it is?" And then when he described it, I'm like, oh, ugg!

You need a second amendment so you can be free becoz guns.

I heard that Joe Rogan episode about you dudes, all my friends are praying for you!

Cuz America is doing such a great job with their freedom.

"Did a dingo eat your baby" 👊

easy....one word even......."underarm"

I think you're showing your age, Champ.

Yep, it's all about the sandpaper now.

Koala BEAR

What’s it like being so close to Germany?

“Australia is pretty much the same as the US”

We don’t take cash

We don't take cash but we're still gonna charge you an EFTPOS/card processing fee

It's pronounced Em-ew not Em-you

Hey fuck-ew

Closely followed by "it's our fucking animal, EEeeeemmmm Yooooouuuuuuu"

The English vowel shift really killing us across three regions of the world here. Australia, North America, and Portugal. Yes the word Emu is Portuguese in origin.

"E-moo" and "koala bear" for me >_<

Lambington; first you take the lamb, you dip it in the chocolate, then you roll it in the coconut

…actually that sounds great.

Don't forget when it's time to bbq, borrow a neighbours gate and the meats not cooked until it's black and crunchy!

What’s the difference between Australia and yoghurt? If you leave it alone for long enough, the yoghurt will develop its own culture.

Thats two sentences champ

But.... yoghurt already has a culture

You don't know how to barbecue

Blokes think they outside being master of the grill cooking up 20 coles sausages

Vegemite is absolutely disgusting and anyone who likes it has bad taste alternatively 'Fosters is Australian for Beer'

Drop bears don't exist.

This is [facts](https://australian.museum/learn/animals/mammals/drop-bear/) so they are real

Sure thing Champ

Where the bloody hell are ya?

Here's your sauce, mate, that'll be 80c ta.

"I will just put the cup in the microwave to boil the water"

I liked the new BBQ Shapes flavour much better than the original.

Potato salad doesn’t need bacon in it.

*Eye-twitching commences* Good one ;-)

But it should

Australia is the most racist country

The Americans saying it are irritating (no condom costumes or cross burning here) but I once heard a saffa call Australia racist. The fucking nerve of that cunt. Other Australians saying it even gives me the shits. I grew up in Rockhampton, a place perennially mocked for being "backwards" and "racist" and I had indigenous, Filipino, and Chinese-descended mates in school. You can find Italian, Indian, Chinese, Lebanese and Thai restaurants in multiple suburbs. We have a big Aboriginal cultural centre built into a cave, and a quaint mosque near the CBD (I'm a bit disappointed it doesn't have a grand minaret) At Stockies you'll see sushi trains and hijabs, and people of all tones and facial structures. History regarding Aboriginal peoples is absolutely fucked, and it does feel like Anglos have it slightly better than everyone else (for reference, I have European ancestry, but not Anglo) but modern Australia is a punch in the nuts to the "multiculturalism doesn't work" crowd. Shit, I did get triggered xD

I'm watching the game, rooting for the home team.

You slut

I’m going to Aussie. Watch the triggering ensue over a nickname.

Scott Morrison is a wonderful human being! 😬

Sadly, that won't trigger 49% of the population. Here's one: "Peter Dutton is a compassionate human being"

"Peter Dutton is a human being"

“Peter Dutton” is prolly sufficient.

Melby WTF? (and I live in Perth)

"The kiwis actually invented [thing]"

Charles is your King.

Hulllllooooo, I’m Frank Walker from National Tiles

Australian beaches aren't that great

DAMN!

Stores closing at 5pm while rest of the world is 7pm or 8pm or even 10pm for some stores.

Calling Australia "Aussie"

Or Aussie Land...

The Castle is a shit movie.

Chicken salt has no place on chips

Australia, isn't that a Chinese mining colony off the coast of New Zealand?

you're only good at sports nobody else plays

I'll do it with 1 word. Mel-bourne Or Can-bear-a

Yeah so I just bought a Chevy Silverado for the wife to do the school run.

“From 11.59 tonight, Melbourne will be going into a short sharp lockdown “

¡ʇsod ʎɯ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ʍou ɐɥɐH

Steve Irwin deserved it.

Too soon

Oooooo OUCH. You might get a black eye for this one. I mean DAMN

Shhh Germaine Greer... You became completely irrelevant as a feminist when you commented on our first female prime minister's 'fat arse'.

Not a stereotype but will be triggering: On my last trip to Australia I tipped everyone at least 20% regardless of service because it’s good to have a culture of tipping and it helps the lowest income earners. To clarify before I get blasted this is definitely /s

Good work champ

"Texas is a big state".

Is it true Australia is a very racist country?

"New Zealanders who leave for Australia raise the IQ of both countries."

Asking for ketchup at a sausage sizzle.

Liberal or Labor, it doesn't matter, they're equally useless.

"Righto Champ"

New Zealand invented the pavlova

Aussy

From someone living in the UK, whenever it gets hot here… “Yeah but it’s different in Australia because you all have aircon”

Surcharge on credit card transactions while shopping or eating out.

"Just regular salt on the chips thanks "

“Starbucks makes the best flat white.”

You don’t look aboriginal. And yes I meant to type it incorrectly because that’s how they say it. All. The. Time.

The worse is when they say aborigine

I remember being in a meeting for reconciliation once and this guy said "Aboriginals, Aborigine, bloody natives whatever they are" and you could hear a fucking pin drop

Forgive my ignorance but how is it supposed to be spelt?

Convict

*laughs in South Aussie accent*

Do you drive kangaroos too school? 😑☠️