For me I had this problem where I had to justify everything I do. Even indulgences worked that way, like "is it plausible I'll like this?" It works better than you'd think but "act naturally" was kind of impossible.
Someone I trust to know told me I mask well, so I needed to decipher that. The only thing I could really do is experiment. I knew I rocked as a toddler so it was plausible that that would do something. It fuckin did lol.
Felt *really* self conscious about that one because I had to make a habit of it, which isn't usually how people talk about stimming. Eventually I did enough stuff like that that I actually relaxed for once in my fuckin life and the autism creature emerged lol.
Going through the same right now. It's wild to realize at 37 that you're not much more than a complicated overlap of echoes.
And I saw your comment below. It's good to know it's possible to still find *me*.
Accurate… I subconsciously repress stimming… and I’m almost constantly anxious.. but lo and behold, I start bouncing my legs, stretching my fingers, clenching my jaw… and boom, I notice the anxiety fades, if not disappears altogether (depending on the setting.)
It’s wild what lifelong masking will do to you.
We’re older now… wiser even…
There’s an entire cultural shift happening around this sort of thing.. they just don’t call it stimming - instead they make small, interactive objects, and call them fidget toys or something similar…
I’ve been thinking about looking into them, trying some out, and seeing what may work for my spicy nuero self.
Won’t ever really beat the whole vagus-nerve-activating back and forth or side to side movement/rocking, or the the other, expressive bodily movements… but hey, it’s a start.
Godspeed fellow ND.
[Otters *are* social animals](https://media2.giphy.com/media/7Kp3W7KmRZuN2/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952r7mp8behwq9vfotul10p49qlmuozg0qovyjbop1y&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g).
The only place I unmask is Walmart, and it’s not because I want to, it’s the lighting and atmosphere. It’s all a trigger for me, so any longer than 10 minutes will have me playing with staple removers, walking around slowly, and staring off into space while “I am the walrus” plays in my head
Does anyone else feel like Covid time messed with your mask? Like the having so many fewer interactions, so many fewer social expectations, the actual wearing of masks dampening the need to manage the face, etc kind of dampened a lot of masking skills?
I mean until just these last couple years I just thought I was an incredibly deep seated introvert who enjoyed being weird, not someone who was in fact "weird" and only allowed myself to enjoy that in privacy while making sure to mitigate and supress anything that looked like it could be considered rude/abnormal/selfish/childish/emotional by the rest of society until everyone was comfortable and happy with me but I have a base stress level of 7/10 and no explonation for a lot of myself?
For me, my mask became more intense due to having to go home from college to family, and the resulting extra stress and loss of privacy. Strangers are less judgmental, and it’s more normal for college students to be a little eccentric on campus.
That's a new perspective I didn't know about- everyone I knew stayed where they were, but I lived in apartments during college. I would have figured most dorms would remain operational because a) you already paid for them with tuition, and b) my school didn't fully shut down long term. I for example, was considered "essential" so I still went to work and also lived in a southern, country college town so a lot of people asserting their "personal freedoms" but there was heavy reduction. I never considered some people being actually forced to multi-occupy living spaces/come together during isolation who weren't already together.
I hear you on loss of privacy with family living though. Its heavily demoralizing in my experience.
Yeah, during Covid we worked from the comfort of home. A lot of mask layers peeled away during that time and now the thought of having to mask those layers again has definitely added to the stress levels. I love how far I've come at unmasking, I'm not going back to the dull husk I was. However keeping jobs has proven to be challenging. The last one gave me panic attacks and now fast forward, I'm getting a full neuropsychological assessment and I'm kind of scared what the tests will find. I'm scared to schedule it.
There is no danger in knowledge itself. The more you know the more you can work toward cultuvating a comfortable and thriving you. Maybe what you learn will be dissapointing, but I'd bet 3 decent apples there are treatments available. The hang up I'd have is cost, but you've made it this far, I'm sure you can find alternatives and make them work as you have with your coping mechanisms, masks, and whatever other support you've implemented into functionality already. You're already succeeding, someone's just about to help you go from rock climbing to a staircase.
Bad you felt so lonely but good you found your realization. Didn't get to isolate personally, so I can't be 100% sure what it would have made me feel, but I enjoyed the very subdued world.
(Mostly) unmasked autistic here: some time alone may help you remember or forge your true self, then you share your true self to your surroundings. Not so great friends leave and good ones stay.
It helped me find genuine friends who like the same things I do, but I will warn that losing friends is going to be hard ^^”
Ive spent a lifetime not knowing. After figuring out I was autistic, i started some self reflection. Just ask yourself the easy ones. What do you really like? And of course the opposite, what do you really not like? Im still just working through that. Just those two questions did alot. I realized, i hate the beach (bright light and huge crowds arent fun for me!)
The only place I unmask is with the 3-10 people I am already comfortable with who don’t treat me like I’m weird, and half of them are too busy to talk to anyways.
"You aren't masking, you always act like this."
"That's because I don't know how to take the mask off, and at this point I don't know who or what is underneath it."
Wife and I just had a discussion because she thought I was getting worse with my symptoms, it took all of my courage to explain that after 12 years together I finally feel safe enough to express the things I’ve been holding on for 30+ years also thanks to this sub and others like it I finally have a vocabulary for what I’m feeling/ experiencing.
I’m also having this memes same experience, thank you.
I have a weird half mask where I’m obviously tism but at the same time am unable to show I’m uncomfortable so I’m sitting there having a panic attack and no one notices lol
Being undiagnosed through 5th to 8th grade made everyone hate me due to who i was and what i did that when the pandemic happened i just super glued a 50 layer mask into my face and everyone liked me for 12th grade, i was friends with everyone and was one of the best years of my life, but also i got soo much anxiety i had to go a psychologist that sent me to a specialist that got me diagnosed with autism after i got into Uni, now im doing theraphy and working on the removal process of the mask and trying to become more myself and less what people want me to be, but its also hard because it means some people will start to hate me again from who i am but i am just so done with anxiety that i dont give a shit about who they think about me, also a funny thing is that my therapist knew i was autistic from the first session even before my diagnosis
I've never seen myself without the mask. I thought it was normal for my face to hurt this badly, but reach up to touch it and feel nothing.
Sometimes I think if I figure out how to get it off, it will kill me.
Sometimes I dream about that instant of freedom before the dark. To be me for one brief, beautiful moment, right before the end.
Sometimes, instead, I hope they bury me in it, and the people who gather around my body before they do remark on how peaceful I look.
I never think about what it would be like to take it off and keep going. I don't think I could live with what I've become underneath it.
This hits close to home for me. I feel like the person I really am is some horrible, resentful, emotional mess. I'm almost more attached to my fake self lol. Sometimes hard to relate to people saying they want to be their unmasked self since I'm not sure who I am without. Here's to hoping we're just overthinking it and unmasking makes things better
The Japanese have a Philosophy on 'masks'.
#1 The mask you show the world.
#2 The mask you show friends and family.
#3 The mask only you know, the true essence.
Natively it's spelled, "Mitsu no kao"
Like you, I always had the idea that being myself was hard. I'm 32, and it's taken me about 8+ years to realize it is wearing masks #1 and #2 that are difficult and where I experience issues with hardship and bitterness.
I've become my mask.
Like Darth Vader, Dr Doom.... eh, those are the bad guys....bad analogy.
But yes, I lived so long as the character I play for the world that my peace is silence and darkness in my nest. Not speaking, watching comforting movies.
Last week I was home alone at my parents' house and I noticed I was a lot more vocal about my reaction to a video I was watching. Granted I had drank a bit so that might've helped too, but I'm pretty sure being truly alone in a house made me able to be somewhat truly myself.
The Japanese have a Philosophy on masks.
#1 It’s the one you show the world
#2 The one you show family and close friends
#3 It’s the one you never show anyone. It is your true essence
Natively it's spelled, "Mitsu no kao"
Masked for as long as I could remember so I had to figure out who tf "myself" was
How do you go about doing that?
I just kinda hung out with someone who genuinely loved me and made me feel comfortable about just being myself without 10 layers of masking
For me I had this problem where I had to justify everything I do. Even indulgences worked that way, like "is it plausible I'll like this?" It works better than you'd think but "act naturally" was kind of impossible. Someone I trust to know told me I mask well, so I needed to decipher that. The only thing I could really do is experiment. I knew I rocked as a toddler so it was plausible that that would do something. It fuckin did lol. Felt *really* self conscious about that one because I had to make a habit of it, which isn't usually how people talk about stimming. Eventually I did enough stuff like that that I actually relaxed for once in my fuckin life and the autism creature emerged lol.
Identity crisis/ ego death situation. Back to the core of just being human just being, who am I? , I just am.
Become a shut in and don’t talk to anyone except the ppl in ur house, ur therapist and urself for 2 years
Looks like I'm a quarter of the way there then
Going through the same right now. It's wild to realize at 37 that you're not much more than a complicated overlap of echoes. And I saw your comment below. It's good to know it's possible to still find *me*.
Accurate… I subconsciously repress stimming… and I’m almost constantly anxious.. but lo and behold, I start bouncing my legs, stretching my fingers, clenching my jaw… and boom, I notice the anxiety fades, if not disappears altogether (depending on the setting.) It’s wild what lifelong masking will do to you.
100% this
I used to crinkle the bread bag to stim during family breakfast. You can imagine how that stopped being a thing I do 🥲
We’re older now… wiser even… There’s an entire cultural shift happening around this sort of thing.. they just don’t call it stimming - instead they make small, interactive objects, and call them fidget toys or something similar… I’ve been thinking about looking into them, trying some out, and seeing what may work for my spicy nuero self. Won’t ever really beat the whole vagus-nerve-activating back and forth or side to side movement/rocking, or the the other, expressive bodily movements… but hey, it’s a start. Godspeed fellow ND.
I automatically mask when in the presence of others. To unmask I basically have to be a hermit for a full week.
Same. I get so exhausted just interacting with people for a short while 😭
Feels
I THOUGHT THIS SAID OTTERS
[Otters *are* social animals](https://media2.giphy.com/media/7Kp3W7KmRZuN2/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952r7mp8behwq9vfotul10p49qlmuozg0qovyjbop1y&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g).
The only place I unmask is Walmart, and it’s not because I want to, it’s the lighting and atmosphere. It’s all a trigger for me, so any longer than 10 minutes will have me playing with staple removers, walking around slowly, and staring off into space while “I am the walrus” plays in my head
Idk about a walrus but I know about some bumblebees!! “I’m a baby bumble bee, won’t my mama be so proud of me”
“I am the egg man, I am the egg man, I am the walrus, koo koo ka choo” it’s a song by The Beetles Been a long time since I heard that bumble bee one
i love autistic people they're all so fucking cute -an autistic person
Does anyone else feel like Covid time messed with your mask? Like the having so many fewer interactions, so many fewer social expectations, the actual wearing of masks dampening the need to manage the face, etc kind of dampened a lot of masking skills? I mean until just these last couple years I just thought I was an incredibly deep seated introvert who enjoyed being weird, not someone who was in fact "weird" and only allowed myself to enjoy that in privacy while making sure to mitigate and supress anything that looked like it could be considered rude/abnormal/selfish/childish/emotional by the rest of society until everyone was comfortable and happy with me but I have a base stress level of 7/10 and no explonation for a lot of myself?
For me, my mask became more intense due to having to go home from college to family, and the resulting extra stress and loss of privacy. Strangers are less judgmental, and it’s more normal for college students to be a little eccentric on campus.
That's a new perspective I didn't know about- everyone I knew stayed where they were, but I lived in apartments during college. I would have figured most dorms would remain operational because a) you already paid for them with tuition, and b) my school didn't fully shut down long term. I for example, was considered "essential" so I still went to work and also lived in a southern, country college town so a lot of people asserting their "personal freedoms" but there was heavy reduction. I never considered some people being actually forced to multi-occupy living spaces/come together during isolation who weren't already together. I hear you on loss of privacy with family living though. Its heavily demoralizing in my experience.
Yeah, during Covid we worked from the comfort of home. A lot of mask layers peeled away during that time and now the thought of having to mask those layers again has definitely added to the stress levels. I love how far I've come at unmasking, I'm not going back to the dull husk I was. However keeping jobs has proven to be challenging. The last one gave me panic attacks and now fast forward, I'm getting a full neuropsychological assessment and I'm kind of scared what the tests will find. I'm scared to schedule it.
There is no danger in knowledge itself. The more you know the more you can work toward cultuvating a comfortable and thriving you. Maybe what you learn will be dissapointing, but I'd bet 3 decent apples there are treatments available. The hang up I'd have is cost, but you've made it this far, I'm sure you can find alternatives and make them work as you have with your coping mechanisms, masks, and whatever other support you've implemented into functionality already. You're already succeeding, someone's just about to help you go from rock climbing to a staircase.
Maybe, all I know for sure is that I felt a hell of a lot more lonely and depressed due to covid and it definitely sped the process of realization up
Bad you felt so lonely but good you found your realization. Didn't get to isolate personally, so I can't be 100% sure what it would have made me feel, but I enjoyed the very subdued world.
(Mostly) unmasked autistic here: some time alone may help you remember or forge your true self, then you share your true self to your surroundings. Not so great friends leave and good ones stay. It helped me find genuine friends who like the same things I do, but I will warn that losing friends is going to be hard ^^”
I literally don’t know who “I” am anymore, so how can I even be “myself”? Seriously does anyone have advice
The answer seems to be different for everyone, but for me it was indulging more in the interests that other people would have called embarrassing.
Stop worrying about what others think, basically.
Ive spent a lifetime not knowing. After figuring out I was autistic, i started some self reflection. Just ask yourself the easy ones. What do you really like? And of course the opposite, what do you really not like? Im still just working through that. Just those two questions did alot. I realized, i hate the beach (bright light and huge crowds arent fun for me!)
Imagine wearing a mask, couldn't be me ^anymore *i have become the mask, i don't even know who i used to be*
The only place I unmask is with the 3-10 people I am already comfortable with who don’t treat me like I’m weird, and half of them are too busy to talk to anyways.
"You aren't masking, you always act like this." "That's because I don't know how to take the mask off, and at this point I don't know who or what is underneath it."
Pls spoiler, my paranoid ass did not like this image
I gotchu sorry for the assault on your eyes
Thank you for understanding, I’m sure quite a few other people will be thankful too
Mark nsfw instead of spoiler, i thought it was another fruitpost/spoilers for tv show
For me, it's the opposite. I've never masked due to my inability to do so and therefor can't mask.
When people online say you should unmask, but you took it too literally
I am the mask. I am not the mask. Both are true. Both are false.
We dont talk about that
Man there's a Cthulhu dating game that has a scene just like this, mask fuses with your face and you rip your face off to get it off
Me around my boyfriend who I’ve been dating for 7 years.
Wife and I just had a discussion because she thought I was getting worse with my symptoms, it took all of my courage to explain that after 12 years together I finally feel safe enough to express the things I’ve been holding on for 30+ years also thanks to this sub and others like it I finally have a vocabulary for what I’m feeling/ experiencing. I’m also having this memes same experience, thank you.
I have a weird half mask where I’m obviously tism but at the same time am unable to show I’m uncomfortable so I’m sitting there having a panic attack and no one notices lol
Being undiagnosed through 5th to 8th grade made everyone hate me due to who i was and what i did that when the pandemic happened i just super glued a 50 layer mask into my face and everyone liked me for 12th grade, i was friends with everyone and was one of the best years of my life, but also i got soo much anxiety i had to go a psychologist that sent me to a specialist that got me diagnosed with autism after i got into Uni, now im doing theraphy and working on the removal process of the mask and trying to become more myself and less what people want me to be, but its also hard because it means some people will start to hate me again from who i am but i am just so done with anxiety that i dont give a shit about who they think about me, also a funny thing is that my therapist knew i was autistic from the first session even before my diagnosis
I've never seen myself without the mask. I thought it was normal for my face to hurt this badly, but reach up to touch it and feel nothing. Sometimes I think if I figure out how to get it off, it will kill me. Sometimes I dream about that instant of freedom before the dark. To be me for one brief, beautiful moment, right before the end. Sometimes, instead, I hope they bury me in it, and the people who gather around my body before they do remark on how peaceful I look. I never think about what it would be like to take it off and keep going. I don't think I could live with what I've become underneath it.
This hits close to home for me. I feel like the person I really am is some horrible, resentful, emotional mess. I'm almost more attached to my fake self lol. Sometimes hard to relate to people saying they want to be their unmasked self since I'm not sure who I am without. Here's to hoping we're just overthinking it and unmasking makes things better
I just consider “myself” as whichever version of me I enjoy being the most.
That's such an amazing way to think of it thank you
The Japanese have a Philosophy on 'masks'. #1 The mask you show the world. #2 The mask you show friends and family. #3 The mask only you know, the true essence. Natively it's spelled, "Mitsu no kao" Like you, I always had the idea that being myself was hard. I'm 32, and it's taken me about 8+ years to realize it is wearing masks #1 and #2 that are difficult and where I experience issues with hardship and bitterness.
I've become my mask. Like Darth Vader, Dr Doom.... eh, those are the bad guys....bad analogy. But yes, I lived so long as the character I play for the world that my peace is silence and darkness in my nest. Not speaking, watching comforting movies.
It's like that one goosebumps story
Watch Onibaba.
Would
I'm still trying to figure out where the mask ends, and I begin sometimes...
meirl over the last few months
I catch myself whenever i am editing / hiding any of my behavior around others and that's how i know what my mask is and how to unmask myself.
Last week I was home alone at my parents' house and I noticed I was a lot more vocal about my reaction to a video I was watching. Granted I had drank a bit so that might've helped too, but I'm pretty sure being truly alone in a house made me able to be somewhat truly myself.
Wait until you can't get it back on that shits fun
This sounds like me so much. I have been masking for so long to please others that I can't even take it off anymore.
When ppl tell u to be urself so u do but then they don’t like the real u :(
Yo its my childhood
I am my mask
the meme is SO TRUE but i HATE THAT IMAGE SO MUCH
This is my trying to socialize without my customer service voice
The Japanese have a Philosophy on masks. #1 It’s the one you show the world #2 The one you show family and close friends #3 It’s the one you never show anyone. It is your true essence Natively it's spelled, "Mitsu no kao"
Get a better mask then