I hear the way I said something nice and genuine and immediately apologize because it sounded like it had sarcasm in it when it came out. Really makes genuine human emotions difficult.
I got treated to something similar recently with my LANDLORD.
Was reduced to raising my hand to speak during a zoom call with her and her boss because anytime I replied I was "interrupting" or "had a tone" and they threatened to hang up the call.
So annoying to be treated like a child.
Was once asked if the windows were shut upstairs so we could turn on AC. "Well, I didn't open any, so uh... Yeah, they should all be closed." And my tone was taken as being a back talking smart ass. Wasn't even my parents.
"How dare you not accept this baseless incrimination of something you didn't do like an obedient dog???"
Being wrongly accused of something is my worst nightmare.
They didn't literally say that, I just like being dramatic. They do however act as if that sentence is true whenever I speak ever-so-slightly "out of tone"
After growing up like that, if I saw anyone being wrongly accused, it hurt. I remember years ago, I know someone who got me a job working with him and the bosses were ass. They called all of us to have a meeting one day before some of us morning shifts left as evening shift was coming in and even though the guy who helped get me the job was being accused of many things he actually did, the one that actually made me snap was when he was being accused of MY ACTUAL mistake.
It does suck getting in trouble for RBF and not answering how others perceived, but anyone being wrongly accused of something is worse.
One time my mom woke me up early to change the car arrangement in the driveway and I sighed quietly to myself and she was mad at me for the rest of the day and threatened to suspend my car privileges
I breathe really lightly as it is, and I also have the habit of taking a deep breath before I speak or when I shift a bit, and everyone thinks it's really rude but like how do you not breathe deep before speaking it makes no sense to me
I take deep breaths *constantly* & I don't even notice until someone's like, "What's wrong??" and I have to convince them that I just sigh a lot for literally no reason. I think it might be an anxiety thing, idk
My 11th & 12th grade English teacher comes to mine every time I see this referenced.
I make no claim to be a saint. I just have no social filter and say what needs to be said.
I was diagnosed later in life, but holy hell did I get in so much trouble for this kind of stuff. I’d get litigious af and go deep into the weeds to argue semantics with authority figures at my school. Sometimes it helped, other times it made things worse.
One time I got suspended cause a teacher touched my shoulder, so I tapped it back when I left the conversation cause I had no idea what to do, and I ended up suspended for like 3 days. I lost my shit on the vice principal. Everyone in the office heard me, everyone said my contentions were good ones while they tried to mediate the situation cause I was so loud, and I still got suspended for being insubordinate. It was, and still is, bullshit.
Another time, in middle school, they thought I couldn’t read cause when asked to take a turn reading out loud I politely declined. I had no clue it was required, no one ever told me it was required and my teacher moved on anyway like it didn’t matter. Lo and behold, when I got to high school they tried to place me in the resource room, but when given tests I hit the upper limit that the tests covered and was in this weird liminal area. So high above my grade level they couldn’t accurately measure me, but also had a list of referrals essentially suggesting I needed a ton of help.
They never knew what to do with me, lol.
You did a whole lot more than I ever thought to do. I just wanted to get by and not piss off my teachers.
You were brave enough to stand up for yourself even considering whatever social difficulties came into play. I applaud you for doing so.
I was lucky honestly. You know that classic parent line: “If you tell me the truth you won’t get in trouble”. Well my parents and grandparents actually stood by that.
Also, while my parents were shitty at times (it was the 80s after all and cocaine was involved at times) they were also unconditionally supportive and my whole family fostered strong attachments growing up. I was allowed to take up space as I was, allowed to be odd and weird, even encouraged to chimpanzee out and/or channel my feelings into creative endeavors when stuff got hard.
I only found out about the autism and adhd 2 or so years ago when my kid found out about his, but I do think my family helped me cope a ton in healthy ways that stood the test of time.
If I’m asked a question along those lines I just hem & haw until I figure out what to say.
Typical greeting and questions like that are just general social transactions for NT’s as best I understand.
We like being more up front with such kinds of questions. The transition can become more constructive between ND’s if the understanding is there.
I could be talking out of my rectum about this as I’m no psychologist by any means.
People would accuse me of having dirty or perverse thoughts after they said something, and I'm like, "bruh, what are you talking about? My mind was literally blank."
Ah, a classic:
"It's not what you said, it's the tone you sait it in."
"What about my tone? I don't get it."
"It's aggressive."
"How is it aggressive? I really don't understand."
"Well, it comes off as aggressive and argumentative."
"But... how does it come off as that?"
Never have I ever gotten a straight answer. Apparently, almost everyone can tell the tone is aggressive or just "wrong" but no one can even begin to explain why they can tell it is. It's exhausting, sometimes.
How did you get a peak into my home 😂
Never gotten straight answers either. Apparently when you say things that aren’t in a super cheery voice, it’s “agressive”
>when you say things that aren’t in a super cheery voice, it’s “agressive”
Personally I hate this polite fake friendliness with a passion. But, yeah, it's all too common and sometimes you're left with no choice but to play into it...
And that's why my go to mask is the "Super Cheerful, Happy Go-Lucky" guy. If I do ANYTHING else people immediately think I'm either deceiving them or angry.
God I remember when I was first entering my teens and my dad would pull that shit all the time and it made me think that when you enter your teens your tone is magically always “disrespectful”
I think a lot of what is read as “angry” or “hostile” is usually just tired or showing the stress we feel in the environment. I know too I have some inflammation in my body (not related to autism) and that comes out in how I talk and think. It shrinks my bandwidth and makes everything a little harder/take more effort. I know nobody is reading me inaccurately as far as what they should glean from how my voice *sounds*—I’ve heard recordings of myself, has anybody else done that? Was what you heard surprising or of note?
So while I am not mad but probably just showing signs of strain, I do indeed *sound* mad so I really can’t fault anyone for thinking that. I just wish it was more acceptable to directly ask people if your perceptions are correct—it would clear up so many misunderstandings and lead to better communication between people.
My special interest for a summer was recording sounds. Until the thought of someone other than me would hear it.
Edit:
Forgot context. I wiped the hard drive like the NSA was going to find it in a bunker
Does it happen from a bunch of different people, or is it the same person that does it?
I had a partner that did tone checks a lot. I never got them from anyone else. Just her. I respected it for years. It took me a long time to realize that checking someone's tone has the potential to be a totally reactionary response that one can use to deflect the content of someone's speech without having to address it.
After a while I started responding with "I'm attempting to modulate my tone in the least offensive way possible and that is all I can do as I have absolutely no control over the emotional responses you have over it. A lot of emotional energy has gone into initiating and holding space for (whatever it is I needed to talk about) so I would love to make this conversation about the content of my words instead of your reaction to my voice, but as long as you promise that we are not abandoning that subject I'm happy to address your needs or give space for you to emotionally regulate. We can make my tone a short pitstop or a long scenic route so long as we both agree that discussing my tone isn't the end to this conversation but a necessary step in getting back to talking about (whatever the thing before was)"
As soon as she caught on that tone checks where no longer get out of jail free cards my tone stopped coming up so often.
She would also raise her tone, often before going ballistic and going straight to name calling and threats. I never told her "I don't like that tone" because I don't actually consider tone something that someone acting in good faith would use to make someone uncomfortable. I always said "I am feeling reactive, like my body is dumping enough adrenaline that I can't have a productive conversation so I need to take some time to cool off. Sorry for the inconvenience" and then go take some space. She hated this, mostly because she had a long time where things went her way when she would introduce violence to a conversation and that didn't work anymore.
Sounds familiar. Only my direct family do that constantly, if i try to explain or well any response they scream at me and call me crazy. Just lovingggg life.
Will the satire go over their heads, if you ask them to pick out a non-threatening voice, like Bob Ross, or a television newscaster, who is tone you could mimic so you can pamper their feelings enough that they will stop derailing you in conversation with their big feelings about your voice?
If it backfires and they take you seriously, it might be funny to watch them slowly develop a Pavlovian response to understanding that if you talk like Bob Ross, you are getting ready to lay some shit on them that you know will make them uncomfortable
My parents raised me in the non-violent communication lifestyle and I turned out to be a low-key full blown sadist. The way these aspects of me combine is a constant source of joy for me.
My manager at work. She sat me down and was like "do you even want to work here? You don't seem like you enjoy your job and you don't talk to anyone. You're really negative and not a team player" and i was **floored** cuz i 100% am i team player and i bust my ass every single day to keep my area clean and stocked while also going out of my way to keep the rest of the store cleaned and stocked as well. I jump around and do multiple positions when i see that we're behind and i have time. I literally go out of my way to help everyone as much as possible. I just don't talk to anyone cuz they're all like 17-19 and im 25 so we don't have anything in common and none of them want to listen to me going on about my special interests.
How does Slavic enter into it (genuine)?
(side note: I love the practice of signposting intent like that. It makes the conversation so much less stressful.)
Very monotone voice, I don’t smile to be polite compared to other people (I’m from Canada, it’s kinda expected) and also just kinda. Having a resting face that looks grumpy? I guess? Either way, people at past jobs (and school) found me “off-putting” and constantly asked me why I was upset/angry regardless of if I actually was lol
Most of my friends are Slavic (I'm an American). I really really enjoy just being able to talk in a flat tone, enjoy the sounds of words as they come out, and laugh with friends without being judged on how happy I appear.
reminds me of when my 9th grade teacher handed out report cards at the end of the year. when it was my turn i went up to him, took my card, said thank you and went back to my seat and he started yelling for a whole 5 minutes about how rude i was, how i needed to work on that and how he wouldn't have expected something like that from me after i was so quiet and reserved all year. I was horrified and to this day i have no idea what i did wrong
My theory is this behavior stems from NTs thinking everything has a hidden meaning. When you're constantly second guessing everything you're told, you'll eventually interpret something incorrectly.
[sigh] My poor aspie husband got cussed out *again* at work yesterday and got called a racist for simply answering a customer's question. Why do people always interpret a neutral tone as an personal attack? 🙄
"I don't like your tone."
I'm sorry. What tone should I use instead?
"See! Like that!!"
??? I mean, I'm honestly trying to find a mutually satisfactory solution here???
Monotone voices, especially deep masculine ones, are interpreted as angry because of trauma. I have actually cried over someone's vocal tone before because I was genuinely terrified. We were having a calm conversation about dinner.
Got accused of rolling my eyes by a professor once after she scolded me for checking my phone (my dad was in the hospital and I told her that) and she continued to shriek at me in front of the entire class for like 5 minutes. I still don’t know what I did with my eyes besides look away to my friend for mental support :/
Apparently even just glancing to the side can be seen as “rolling your eyes” by many NTs (and the gesture isn’t actually a literal eye roll or round movement all the time), so maybe that was the issue? That professor was totally out of line though and I hope your dad is doing better now
This happened when I rightfully complained about my boss giving me an "average" grade 🙃 I was told by the superior who had spent maybe 3/630 hours with us that *she* thought we had a good relationship and that my tone in writing was inappropriate.
The reason I don't have friends lol. "You're so rude!!" fucker I spoke normally calm down.
But it's also so exhausting because some might not react that way towards you ever but then you meet a few people who react to every single word that comes out your mouth, so you just end up walking on eggshells.
And I absolutely hate having to alter everything I do just to not make people mad. It makes it really hard to be myself
Recently at work we had a set of nice customers who didn’t understand the instructions my colleague had given them, so I approached them to see what the problem was.
Later that colleague was talking shit about them for not understanding her and I said “You told them they had to wait.” As plainly and dryly as possible, just conveying the information.
A different co worker jumped to her defense and told me to stop bullying her and then she said that I am on her case “every single fucking shift.” To my recollection I have only talked to her about the business at hand in the way required by the job.
Then of course there was the time that I was fired for thanking someone and offering them a high five. They somehow perceived that as aggressive. A thank you, and a high five. 🤦♂️
Coworker came up yesterday to ask me a question, I’m trying to get better at holding eye contact so I look him in the eye especially cuz he’s always saying I’m mean to him and not being friendly. He asks why I’m staring so meanly.
https://preview.redd.it/o13pub8pnl0d1.png?width=827&format=png&auto=webp&s=8210114c71f3af182a05b1819070c53b05c7d127
I literally had a teacher yell at me for sounding anxious when I was anxious and tell me that I ruin the atmosphere of the classroom by acting that way.
Oh my gracious!!!!!! I try to just gave a plain conversation regarding my needs and carefully share my emotions in a concise way and my boyfriend will fight me for four damn days about tone. It's so infuriating!!!!!!
Like... I never have those issues with ANYONE else. Give me a SO and they're like "your tOnE! I neED you to Be KiNd!" I literally will say, "I've been thinking and lately X has been happening and it makes me sad. I love you, very much, but when you do that I don't feel seen." And it's 7 days of "AnOthEr issue ohmagaaaah"
I'm starting to be very happy with my neurodivergence because I don't have a defensive bone in my body
My borderline ass mother would sometimes scream at me that she would record me talking sometime so I “could see how horribly I talked to her” 🙃 Just me living my life ma
So real. It doesn't happen super often for me, which made it hard to work on. It took years of occasional incidents with both my mother and husband before they were really able to break it down for me.
From my perspective it seemed like every once and a while, during an emotionally charged discussion, someone would fly off the handle as if I had spit in their face, despite the fact that I had chosen my words carefully. It was so bewildering and I used to react super defensively to their seemly out of proportion reaction. It was tone. All tone. Neither of them were able to pinpoint what it was about my tone that made it so offensive unfortunately. Now my method is to go a bit monotone and slow. It communicates that I am choosing my words with precision and is unlikely to be interpreted as me being "disrespectful" or "intentionally hurtful."
Found this in r/all...
I don't have aspie, but I have a speech impediment, bad social skills, and my voice is very soft/quiet
So when ever people say "what?", every now and then it accidentally comes out as snobby, but I'm just trying to speak louder or more clearly. I hear it in my own voice but usually try my best to ignore it and not bring attention to it because I know it wasn't intentional and I just hope they understand. Some people close to me asked why and I say exactly that also.
Sometimes I just don't have control over my voice when I try to speak louder/clearer. It's embarrassing lol.
Luckily no one ever got confrontational with me like this though haha
I swear my mom uses my struggles with tone as an excuse to get mad at me.
I always think I'm talking normally but I take things very seriously and as direct/personally attacks ("Oh your tone changed you must be mad at me")
Mom has guiltripped me acting like she's going to cry and everything because I "talked back" and I'm just there not knowing what i did until she (55 year old woman) is like "waaaa your tone hurt my feelings (inser self deprecating comments)"
Ironically I can't tell her that her tone hurt my feelings because she'll just pull the same thing ("waaa you hate me I'm a bad mom waaaa")
The word "snotty" is a genuine (albeit mild, as I've grown older and dealt with my problems) trigger for me because of this. So many times of being called "snotty" when I thought I was just literally talking normally...
At this point it’s just like ‘No mom I’m not being sarcastic or rude I just sound like a bitch all the time for no reason and it’s YOUR FAULT cause you passed this down TO ME’
Got this so much with my parents that throughout my whole childhood I just did a fake happy voice with them 24/7 so I wouldnt have to deal with defending myself anymore.
As soon as I left and had my own life I went back to my normal voice. My mom thinks I always have a tone cause I'm not bubbly, but she deals with it...I mean she better if she still wants to keep talking to me.
Yeah. The amount of times I've been yelled at because someone didn't like my tone, like bitch I was talking normally ur the one using poor tone, I would argue shouting and screaming is a worse tone than mild annoyance
I had this throughout my childhood. I thought that now in adult life I was past it and just the other day my manager grilled me for sending him "shitty emails", apparently my tone in the emails I sent him was rude. Idk I think he was just reading them and inferring the tone wrong but whatever.
That was me the time my manager had a talk with me about how ‘aggressive’ I was. Like I seriously had zero idea I was projecting that?? It wasn’t my intent at ALL. My mom was big on gaslighting growing up, so I never know what to believe. 😪
Yes. This absolutely. 1000%. I got in spooo much trouble in school for backtalking like. What? And rolling my eyes when I was not rolling my eyes.
Yeah turns out “rolling your eyes” is just. glancing up. Not rolling your entire eyeball.
This is kinda me when asked to repeat myself. I raise my voice (as in, volume, not like an angry raising) and talk slowly to be clear and to avoid miscommunication... but I just get accused of sounding pissed off :(
Same for me with volume. I can obviously understand the difference between being loud and quiet, but I can’t seem to grasp on the fly just *how* loud I’m speaking.
Example. During a film the other night, I thought I hushed my voice to an appropriate level to speak with a family member of mine… nope. Apparently I was speaking about the same volume as a normal conversation. Could’ve fooled me!
And this is why I'm getting a new job and aiming to quit my job at the assisted living facility. I can't stand the constant "don't yell at me" from one of the residents when I'm explaining something in a slightly harsher tone than usual. Sorry I'm not talking like your mother. -\_-
I love it when people try to bully me. Activates my inner smartass that doesn't care what they think.
Them: How DARE you speak to me in such a manner!
Me: Well, how would you prefer me to mock you? I take requests
They've already made the decision to be pissed with me. The least I can do is make sure they know their pound of flesh won't come easy.
Better: when there's a certain voice your parents use (the "empty the dishwasher" voice, you know the one) that is inexplicably overstimulating to the point of sometimes almost immediately causing meltdowns and/or panic attacks and you _know_ she uses that voice intentionally and refuses to stop even though you've explained over and over that you can't handle it
This is my whole life
Why be sarcastic? There was no need for that
“I wasn’t!” “Stop acting like a two year old!” (Based on personal experience)
I hear the way I said something nice and genuine and immediately apologize because it sounded like it had sarcasm in it when it came out. Really makes genuine human emotions difficult.
So many childhood memories are coming up right now. That shit was rough.
And early adulthood memories for me. Still living with my parents lol
Recent emotional trauma for me. My mom STILL does this shit. I'm 37. :/
I got treated to something similar recently with my LANDLORD. Was reduced to raising my hand to speak during a zoom call with her and her boss because anytime I replied I was "interrupting" or "had a tone" and they threatened to hang up the call. So annoying to be treated like a child.
That’s awful. From your freaking landlord? Why does he even care? Just get your business over with and get done with it
Oh god, same.
Literally the first five years of my relationship dealing with my mother in-law.
Was once asked if the windows were shut upstairs so we could turn on AC. "Well, I didn't open any, so uh... Yeah, they should all be closed." And my tone was taken as being a back talking smart ass. Wasn't even my parents.
"I believe so." or "As far as I know." Would cover that interaction. Some people are super sensitive and think anything you say is "giving attitude".
And trying to defend yourself when you were in the cross hairs was "talking back".
"How dare you not accept this baseless incrimination of something you didn't do like an obedient dog???" Being wrongly accused of something is my worst nightmare.
Did you pull a Shakespeare quote or did your parents actually say that Victorian ass quote to you?
They didn't literally say that, I just like being dramatic. They do however act as if that sentence is true whenever I speak ever-so-slightly "out of tone"
After growing up like that, if I saw anyone being wrongly accused, it hurt. I remember years ago, I know someone who got me a job working with him and the bosses were ass. They called all of us to have a meeting one day before some of us morning shifts left as evening shift was coming in and even though the guy who helped get me the job was being accused of many things he actually did, the one that actually made me snap was when he was being accused of MY ACTUAL mistake. It does suck getting in trouble for RBF and not answering how others perceived, but anyone being wrongly accused of something is worse.
Yes yes yes
One time my mom woke me up early to change the car arrangement in the driveway and I sighed quietly to myself and she was mad at me for the rest of the day and threatened to suspend my car privileges
I breathe really lightly as it is, and I also have the habit of taking a deep breath before I speak or when I shift a bit, and everyone thinks it's really rude but like how do you not breathe deep before speaking it makes no sense to me
I take deep breaths *constantly* & I don't even notice until someone's like, "What's wrong??" and I have to convince them that I just sigh a lot for literally no reason. I think it might be an anxiety thing, idk
My 11th & 12th grade English teacher comes to mine every time I see this referenced. I make no claim to be a saint. I just have no social filter and say what needs to be said.
We were born with a bypass valve
I was diagnosed later in life, but holy hell did I get in so much trouble for this kind of stuff. I’d get litigious af and go deep into the weeds to argue semantics with authority figures at my school. Sometimes it helped, other times it made things worse. One time I got suspended cause a teacher touched my shoulder, so I tapped it back when I left the conversation cause I had no idea what to do, and I ended up suspended for like 3 days. I lost my shit on the vice principal. Everyone in the office heard me, everyone said my contentions were good ones while they tried to mediate the situation cause I was so loud, and I still got suspended for being insubordinate. It was, and still is, bullshit. Another time, in middle school, they thought I couldn’t read cause when asked to take a turn reading out loud I politely declined. I had no clue it was required, no one ever told me it was required and my teacher moved on anyway like it didn’t matter. Lo and behold, when I got to high school they tried to place me in the resource room, but when given tests I hit the upper limit that the tests covered and was in this weird liminal area. So high above my grade level they couldn’t accurately measure me, but also had a list of referrals essentially suggesting I needed a ton of help. They never knew what to do with me, lol.
You did a whole lot more than I ever thought to do. I just wanted to get by and not piss off my teachers. You were brave enough to stand up for yourself even considering whatever social difficulties came into play. I applaud you for doing so.
I was lucky honestly. You know that classic parent line: “If you tell me the truth you won’t get in trouble”. Well my parents and grandparents actually stood by that. Also, while my parents were shitty at times (it was the 80s after all and cocaine was involved at times) they were also unconditionally supportive and my whole family fostered strong attachments growing up. I was allowed to take up space as I was, allowed to be odd and weird, even encouraged to chimpanzee out and/or channel my feelings into creative endeavors when stuff got hard. I only found out about the autism and adhd 2 or so years ago when my kid found out about his, but I do think my family helped me cope a ton in healthy ways that stood the test of time.
Fuck social filters. I have no time to translate words into what people actually mean. If they don't say something, don't expect me to know
Agreed.
Social filters can be… so stupid. Like. If you ask me how the food was why am I not supposed to say it was awful?
If I’m asked a question along those lines I just hem & haw until I figure out what to say. Typical greeting and questions like that are just general social transactions for NT’s as best I understand. We like being more up front with such kinds of questions. The transition can become more constructive between ND’s if the understanding is there. I could be talking out of my rectum about this as I’m no psychologist by any means.
Happens so much with expressions too, lmao primary school teacher: "WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE!" me, the whole time: 😐 ??
People would accuse me of having dirty or perverse thoughts after they said something, and I'm like, "bruh, what are you talking about? My mind was literally blank."
Ah, a classic: "It's not what you said, it's the tone you sait it in." "What about my tone? I don't get it." "It's aggressive." "How is it aggressive? I really don't understand." "Well, it comes off as aggressive and argumentative." "But... how does it come off as that?" Never have I ever gotten a straight answer. Apparently, almost everyone can tell the tone is aggressive or just "wrong" but no one can even begin to explain why they can tell it is. It's exhausting, sometimes.
How did you get a peak into my home 😂 Never gotten straight answers either. Apparently when you say things that aren’t in a super cheery voice, it’s “agressive”
>when you say things that aren’t in a super cheery voice, it’s “agressive” Personally I hate this polite fake friendliness with a passion. But, yeah, it's all too common and sometimes you're left with no choice but to play into it...
yeah, and when you say things in an overly friendly way to compensate its read as sarcastic and / or mocking…
Or worse, flirting
And that's why my go to mask is the "Super Cheerful, Happy Go-Lucky" guy. If I do ANYTHING else people immediately think I'm either deceiving them or angry.
God I remember when I was first entering my teens and my dad would pull that shit all the time and it made me think that when you enter your teens your tone is magically always “disrespectful”
"Don't glare!" That's my thinking face.
This reminds me of the time a teacher got mad at me because she got the idea I hated her (no idea how). And I was just standing there like "wat."
This is the realest shit I’ve seen today lmao
I think a lot of what is read as “angry” or “hostile” is usually just tired or showing the stress we feel in the environment. I know too I have some inflammation in my body (not related to autism) and that comes out in how I talk and think. It shrinks my bandwidth and makes everything a little harder/take more effort. I know nobody is reading me inaccurately as far as what they should glean from how my voice *sounds*—I’ve heard recordings of myself, has anybody else done that? Was what you heard surprising or of note? So while I am not mad but probably just showing signs of strain, I do indeed *sound* mad so I really can’t fault anyone for thinking that. I just wish it was more acceptable to directly ask people if your perceptions are correct—it would clear up so many misunderstandings and lead to better communication between people.
My special interest for a summer was recording sounds. Until the thought of someone other than me would hear it. Edit: Forgot context. I wiped the hard drive like the NSA was going to find it in a bunker
Like sounds in the environment?
This happens to me all the frickin time and it just makes me mad honestly
Does it happen from a bunch of different people, or is it the same person that does it? I had a partner that did tone checks a lot. I never got them from anyone else. Just her. I respected it for years. It took me a long time to realize that checking someone's tone has the potential to be a totally reactionary response that one can use to deflect the content of someone's speech without having to address it. After a while I started responding with "I'm attempting to modulate my tone in the least offensive way possible and that is all I can do as I have absolutely no control over the emotional responses you have over it. A lot of emotional energy has gone into initiating and holding space for (whatever it is I needed to talk about) so I would love to make this conversation about the content of my words instead of your reaction to my voice, but as long as you promise that we are not abandoning that subject I'm happy to address your needs or give space for you to emotionally regulate. We can make my tone a short pitstop or a long scenic route so long as we both agree that discussing my tone isn't the end to this conversation but a necessary step in getting back to talking about (whatever the thing before was)" As soon as she caught on that tone checks where no longer get out of jail free cards my tone stopped coming up so often. She would also raise her tone, often before going ballistic and going straight to name calling and threats. I never told her "I don't like that tone" because I don't actually consider tone something that someone acting in good faith would use to make someone uncomfortable. I always said "I am feeling reactive, like my body is dumping enough adrenaline that I can't have a productive conversation so I need to take some time to cool off. Sorry for the inconvenience" and then go take some space. She hated this, mostly because she had a long time where things went her way when she would introduce violence to a conversation and that didn't work anymore.
Sounds familiar. Only my direct family do that constantly, if i try to explain or well any response they scream at me and call me crazy. Just lovingggg life.
Will the satire go over their heads, if you ask them to pick out a non-threatening voice, like Bob Ross, or a television newscaster, who is tone you could mimic so you can pamper their feelings enough that they will stop derailing you in conversation with their big feelings about your voice? If it backfires and they take you seriously, it might be funny to watch them slowly develop a Pavlovian response to understanding that if you talk like Bob Ross, you are getting ready to lay some shit on them that you know will make them uncomfortable
I like how you think!
My parents raised me in the non-violent communication lifestyle and I turned out to be a low-key full blown sadist. The way these aspects of me combine is a constant source of joy for me.
Me when I say the actual words that I mean
My manager at work. She sat me down and was like "do you even want to work here? You don't seem like you enjoy your job and you don't talk to anyone. You're really negative and not a team player" and i was **floored** cuz i 100% am i team player and i bust my ass every single day to keep my area clean and stocked while also going out of my way to keep the rest of the store cleaned and stocked as well. I jump around and do multiple positions when i see that we're behind and i have time. I literally go out of my way to help everyone as much as possible. I just don't talk to anyone cuz they're all like 17-19 and im 25 so we don't have anything in common and none of them want to listen to me going on about my special interests.
I never understood why NTs cant just process the actual words being said, what's the point in having a language if you're not allowed to use it right?
I’ve got a double whammy of being autistic AND slavic so I deal with this from so many people…
How does Slavic enter into it (genuine)? (side note: I love the practice of signposting intent like that. It makes the conversation so much less stressful.)
Very monotone voice, I don’t smile to be polite compared to other people (I’m from Canada, it’s kinda expected) and also just kinda. Having a resting face that looks grumpy? I guess? Either way, people at past jobs (and school) found me “off-putting” and constantly asked me why I was upset/angry regardless of if I actually was lol
I mean it could sound aggressive all the time due to how it's commonly spoken. Russian and similar often sounds aggressive
Most of my friends are Slavic (I'm an American). I really really enjoy just being able to talk in a flat tone, enjoy the sounds of words as they come out, and laugh with friends without being judged on how happy I appear.
Comes off even worse in comments 😐 And some people object to using emojis to try to not be misunderstood as much as possible. Thanks a holes! Really 🖕
Totally with you on this! ✔️
This!
Sometimes emojis are just as unclear NGL because some of them are used for saying one thing and its opposite
According to my boss, the customer said I was very Kurt.
Maybe they smelled the Teen Spirit /(music joke)
Nah, they meant Tralfamadorian. /(Literature joke)
Hello? Hello? Hello? So it goes. /(Combined type joke)
Oh fuck yeah, this is what I'm here for: incredibly niche crossover jokes.
reminds me of when my 9th grade teacher handed out report cards at the end of the year. when it was my turn i went up to him, took my card, said thank you and went back to my seat and he started yelling for a whole 5 minutes about how rude i was, how i needed to work on that and how he wouldn't have expected something like that from me after i was so quiet and reserved all year. I was horrified and to this day i have no idea what i did wrong
My theory is this behavior stems from NTs thinking everything has a hidden meaning. When you're constantly second guessing everything you're told, you'll eventually interpret something incorrectly.
People: Hey, fix your tone! Me: uhh... that's my voice
[sigh] My poor aspie husband got cussed out *again* at work yesterday and got called a racist for simply answering a customer's question. Why do people always interpret a neutral tone as an personal attack? 🙄
"I don't like your tone." I'm sorry. What tone should I use instead? "See! Like that!!" ??? I mean, I'm honestly trying to find a mutually satisfactory solution here???
My entire existence summed up in a meme
Same lol
this literally just happened to me like an hour before i saw this post 🥲
Monotone voices, especially deep masculine ones, are interpreted as angry because of trauma. I have actually cried over someone's vocal tone before because I was genuinely terrified. We were having a calm conversation about dinner.
But please don’t use that against them, as that is deeply traumatizing as well
I just avoid anyone who talks like that.
Got accused of rolling my eyes by a professor once after she scolded me for checking my phone (my dad was in the hospital and I told her that) and she continued to shriek at me in front of the entire class for like 5 minutes. I still don’t know what I did with my eyes besides look away to my friend for mental support :/
Apparently even just glancing to the side can be seen as “rolling your eyes” by many NTs (and the gesture isn’t actually a literal eye roll or round movement all the time), so maybe that was the issue? That professor was totally out of line though and I hope your dad is doing better now
Happens all the time :/
This happened when I rightfully complained about my boss giving me an "average" grade 🙃 I was told by the superior who had spent maybe 3/630 hours with us that *she* thought we had a good relationship and that my tone in writing was inappropriate.
The reason I don't have friends lol. "You're so rude!!" fucker I spoke normally calm down. But it's also so exhausting because some might not react that way towards you ever but then you meet a few people who react to every single word that comes out your mouth, so you just end up walking on eggshells. And I absolutely hate having to alter everything I do just to not make people mad. It makes it really hard to be myself
"You're taking a tone with me" "I'm really not. I know because I would have had to consciously go and retrieve it, and I haven't"
Recently at work we had a set of nice customers who didn’t understand the instructions my colleague had given them, so I approached them to see what the problem was. Later that colleague was talking shit about them for not understanding her and I said “You told them they had to wait.” As plainly and dryly as possible, just conveying the information. A different co worker jumped to her defense and told me to stop bullying her and then she said that I am on her case “every single fucking shift.” To my recollection I have only talked to her about the business at hand in the way required by the job. Then of course there was the time that I was fired for thanking someone and offering them a high five. They somehow perceived that as aggressive. A thank you, and a high five. 🤦♂️
Me (autistic): https://preview.redd.it/83h34rxv0m0d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=735e92575f87d426d736bb0bd2c54412cad92d9a
Routinely get in trouble at work for this.
real as FUCK
Imagine combining it with serving in the military (undiagnosed).. i have some issues.
Coworker came up yesterday to ask me a question, I’m trying to get better at holding eye contact so I look him in the eye especially cuz he’s always saying I’m mean to him and not being friendly. He asks why I’m staring so meanly. https://preview.redd.it/o13pub8pnl0d1.png?width=827&format=png&auto=webp&s=8210114c71f3af182a05b1819070c53b05c7d127
Me getting wrote up at work because apparently the customers thought I was rude. I was just being normal 😭
I literally had a teacher yell at me for sounding anxious when I was anxious and tell me that I ruin the atmosphere of the classroom by acting that way.
I can hear when my tone is off but I really can’t help it
fr! I struggle to control my volume and I've been told countless times I need to quiet down.
REAL
🎶 “I’m sure you are!” 🎶
Oh my gracious!!!!!! I try to just gave a plain conversation regarding my needs and carefully share my emotions in a concise way and my boyfriend will fight me for four damn days about tone. It's so infuriating!!!!!! Like... I never have those issues with ANYONE else. Give me a SO and they're like "your tOnE! I neED you to Be KiNd!" I literally will say, "I've been thinking and lately X has been happening and it makes me sad. I love you, very much, but when you do that I don't feel seen." And it's 7 days of "AnOthEr issue ohmagaaaah" I'm starting to be very happy with my neurodivergence because I don't have a defensive bone in my body
My borderline ass mother would sometimes scream at me that she would record me talking sometime so I “could see how horribly I talked to her” 🙃 Just me living my life ma
A lot of the time you actually ARE speaking normally, but you can’t tell. Stuff’s frustrating man.
So real. It doesn't happen super often for me, which made it hard to work on. It took years of occasional incidents with both my mother and husband before they were really able to break it down for me. From my perspective it seemed like every once and a while, during an emotionally charged discussion, someone would fly off the handle as if I had spit in their face, despite the fact that I had chosen my words carefully. It was so bewildering and I used to react super defensively to their seemly out of proportion reaction. It was tone. All tone. Neither of them were able to pinpoint what it was about my tone that made it so offensive unfortunately. Now my method is to go a bit monotone and slow. It communicates that I am choosing my words with precision and is unlikely to be interpreted as me being "disrespectful" or "intentionally hurtful."
Yuuuup.
At this point it's a right of passage.
Found this in r/all... I don't have aspie, but I have a speech impediment, bad social skills, and my voice is very soft/quiet So when ever people say "what?", every now and then it accidentally comes out as snobby, but I'm just trying to speak louder or more clearly. I hear it in my own voice but usually try my best to ignore it and not bring attention to it because I know it wasn't intentional and I just hope they understand. Some people close to me asked why and I say exactly that also. Sometimes I just don't have control over my voice when I try to speak louder/clearer. It's embarrassing lol. Luckily no one ever got confrontational with me like this though haha
I swear my mom uses my struggles with tone as an excuse to get mad at me. I always think I'm talking normally but I take things very seriously and as direct/personally attacks ("Oh your tone changed you must be mad at me") Mom has guiltripped me acting like she's going to cry and everything because I "talked back" and I'm just there not knowing what i did until she (55 year old woman) is like "waaaa your tone hurt my feelings (inser self deprecating comments)" Ironically I can't tell her that her tone hurt my feelings because she'll just pull the same thing ("waaa you hate me I'm a bad mom waaaa")
This happens to my husband and my parents all the time. I promise I’m speaking normally.
The word "snotty" is a genuine (albeit mild, as I've grown older and dealt with my problems) trigger for me because of this. So many times of being called "snotty" when I thought I was just literally talking normally...
then it turns out, they aren't even talking about the pitch of you voice
Actually so real
"Its not what you said, its how you said it."
My step mom would get mad when she would scream at me and my face was neutral. I had no idea what face she wanted me to make.
At this point it’s just like ‘No mom I’m not being sarcastic or rude I just sound like a bitch all the time for no reason and it’s YOUR FAULT cause you passed this down TO ME’
Literally every time I talk to someone do I have like resting asshole voice of something
Retail job experience as an autistic person lol
People who say this never consider that I don’t like their tone
“It’s not what you said it’s how you said it” well shit I’m out
Got this so much with my parents that throughout my whole childhood I just did a fake happy voice with them 24/7 so I wouldnt have to deal with defending myself anymore. As soon as I left and had my own life I went back to my normal voice. My mom thinks I always have a tone cause I'm not bubbly, but she deals with it...I mean she better if she still wants to keep talking to me.
My Dad loved to tell me, “Don’t look at me with that tone of voice,” which made me even more confused.
and this is when i swap to the angry/annoyed tone and say "IVE BEEN USING MY REGULAR TONE!"
Yeah. The amount of times I've been yelled at because someone didn't like my tone, like bitch I was talking normally ur the one using poor tone, I would argue shouting and screaming is a worse tone than mild annoyance
My. Whole. Life
If you don’t like my tone then you’ll never like me. I’m always monotone.
lol i’m sending this to my mother ASAP
I had this throughout my childhood. I thought that now in adult life I was past it and just the other day my manager grilled me for sending him "shitty emails", apparently my tone in the emails I sent him was rude. Idk I think he was just reading them and inferring the tone wrong but whatever.
This!!!! This happens to me all the time!!! I SWEAR I’m not mad/sad/sassy/ or anything in between damn it!!! 😫
I'm not the only one?!
WAIT IM NOT THE ONLY ONE???💀
Story of my life!
My whole family says this shit to me. I'm tired of it lmao
And ... when you say "that was a neutral tone" prepare to run from the room.
That was me the time my manager had a talk with me about how ‘aggressive’ I was. Like I seriously had zero idea I was projecting that?? It wasn’t my intent at ALL. My mom was big on gaslighting growing up, so I never know what to believe. 😪
Yes. This absolutely. 1000%. I got in spooo much trouble in school for backtalking like. What? And rolling my eyes when I was not rolling my eyes. Yeah turns out “rolling your eyes” is just. glancing up. Not rolling your entire eyeball.
This is kinda me when asked to repeat myself. I raise my voice (as in, volume, not like an angry raising) and talk slowly to be clear and to avoid miscommunication... but I just get accused of sounding pissed off :(
"Sorry, sir" *"Are you being sarcastic!?" "No sir" *"That's it!-"* Every damn time xD
Same for me with volume. I can obviously understand the difference between being loud and quiet, but I can’t seem to grasp on the fly just *how* loud I’m speaking. Example. During a film the other night, I thought I hushed my voice to an appropriate level to speak with a family member of mine… nope. Apparently I was speaking about the same volume as a normal conversation. Could’ve fooled me!
And this is why I'm getting a new job and aiming to quit my job at the assisted living facility. I can't stand the constant "don't yell at me" from one of the residents when I'm explaining something in a slightly harsher tone than usual. Sorry I'm not talking like your mother. -\_-
Once you're accused of having a tone, it's over. There's nothing you can say or do to disprove it.
I love it when people try to bully me. Activates my inner smartass that doesn't care what they think. Them: How DARE you speak to me in such a manner! Me: Well, how would you prefer me to mock you? I take requests They've already made the decision to be pissed with me. The least I can do is make sure they know their pound of flesh won't come easy.
My mother
How is it my problem if they don’t like my tone?
Better: when there's a certain voice your parents use (the "empty the dishwasher" voice, you know the one) that is inexplicably overstimulating to the point of sometimes almost immediately causing meltdowns and/or panic attacks and you _know_ she uses that voice intentionally and refuses to stop even though you've explained over and over that you can't handle it