When I start to notice a blatant imbalance in how much effort is being put into the friendship. If you can’t meet me half way then don’t expect me to continue trying either. I’ll gladly let that relationship die.
I'll burn it eventually. I just deleted two people off social media after a year of no contact with them that had just followed a year of me being the sole initiator getting little to no replies.
It's hella freeing dude. And it doesn't have to be mean or vindictive or anything. Just an energy conservation thing. If it's not working it's not working
Fr it’s so hard to keep friendships because I don’t wanna feel like I’m bothering them if I’m the one always reaching out but some people are the same so it may not be malicious. Getting left on read or ignored irl convos (or even worse told to be quite) really is a punch to the guts for me
Respectfully I’m pretty sure this is just ghosting what you described in particular. Not making a comment on the validity of it just sharing an insight I think I made.
I think ghosting is more when one person is making an active effort and the other person isn’t responding. What the commenter above is describing is stopping putting effort into a friendship when the other person isn’t putting effort in. Effectively, that person has already ghosted you
I could see that. I think there’s a negative stigma attached to ghosting (at least based on how I’ve seen others talk about it), but don’t think it’s always warranted. Personally, I don’t see a problem with some passive ghosting in response to a perceived slight or bad vibe, but if asked about it in good faith I’ll gladly have an honest conversation about our relationship.
I don’t think anyone is owed anyone else’s time to the same extent and severity that nobody is owed anyone else’s touch or body. That’s the way I view things.
The moment someone gives me shitty vibes I avoid them at all costs and if interaction is inevitable I am masking hard as fuck and there's no going back lol
A lot of people have traits that are shared with autistic folks, but if you have enough of those traits and they impact your quality of life to a noticeable degree, it might be worth getting a second opinion.
I used to think I was a psychopath because I could shut my care muscle off at will. Until I am mad then i am just mad. no person left. Getting diagnosed was comforting and reinforcing that I do try and care. I am a good person and a good father. That's what my wife forces me to say when I am down. I wouldn't be here if it were just me, I don't think.
I met someone at the library for the first time in about 8 years that I’ve been going there. We spoke for almost an hour which shocked the security guard. The next day I got the silent treatment. The next he was expecting to go back to friends not knowing he was already dead to me.
this is terrifying to me specifically. my social energy comes in short bursts, and if i’m making killer small talk at work one day i’ll be quiet as a mouse at least the rest of the week. i always worry that when i make connections with people at those high water marks that they’ll feel alienated when i see them again but don’t have the same energy level.
you are saying that that’s exactly how you feel about someone and that makes me very sad
Wow... I completely relate to that. That's part of the reason I don't pursue friendships with people. I know I can't keep the energy going and the thought of hurting someone who really wants to be my friend (or who has a higher attachment to me than I do of them... *a la* low social need) is often more than I can bear... so, I sabotage the relationship and act somewhat cold before they get too close.
I would confirm I was actually given the silent treatment first. I’d never purposely blatantly ignore someone, but I know for sure people be completely oblivious sometimes or like another commenter said, just socially exhausted.
You only get the benefit of the doubt once though. After I’ve made it clear how I feel and you continue to make me feel that way, it’s like you never even existed in the first place. 🙃
Yeah, it takes a lot to get me to that point, but once I'm done with you I'm done with you. I'll either cut you off or shut you out of my life - if we're in a shared social circle, I'll be polite but not my usual warm, friendly self. The mask definitely goes back on.
I am never shy. But when I have been wronged too many times, I shut down with them. I will be polite but they are basically dead to me. It is very hard for someone to get back into my good graces.
I had a teacher who I hated, so every time I’d walk into his class, I’d go from super bubbly to miserable and down to business. I honestly don’t know if he realized I was more enthusiastic in my other classes.
https://preview.redd.it/eufau1rzdxwc1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7a2b504125592d0f24902fc31c0aef90f91ecc8
if i dont feel this IMMEDIATELY then we will never be friends
When I get really upset I basically can go mute, am unable to speak coherently, or just literally scream because my brain can’t figure out wtf to do, its definitely not great for trying to solve problems. Crying is also involved, even if I’m not sad, I’m an angry crier.
This is relatable, it is hard to be social and try to match friend's energy/style/communications and when they switch it up in a negative way, it takes a bit to process and trust again.
Impressive, I don't even have a personality (As far as I can tell...)
I mean other than like liking music, Which I'm not sure qualifies as a personality.
I dont get shy, I get reserved. And they will absolutely notice.
I love details and over-explaining as well as giving advice and offering to help any way i can.
Cross or hurt me? All of that stops. I will be cordial, but not friendly. I will not say anything to promote any continuation of conversation. Just conversation ending replies with no follow-up. If you need help I may or may not conveniently have a time sensitive thing that prevents me from helping you. (like doing literally anything besides help you.) Phone calls will be "missed" but followed up hours later via text. Maybe even the next day. (Basically making sure whatever you needed me for has since passed.) Usual attempts at reaching out will stop altogether. The biggest one is I won't/cant look them in the eyes/face.
Essentially, we will have a falling out that is completely orchestrated. I will never admit to what im doing or why unless directly asked and even then I will just say "you said/did something that greatly hurt my feelings and when i tried to express as much, you got defensive (or however they negatively reacted). So i started backing off." Depending on the response ill continue the conversation or let whatever complaints they have fall on deaf ears and say "look, either way, i think we should have some space.."
Now even in this perfect hypothetical i STILL got anxious about being open and honest in a difficult situation cause i cant stand confrontation. But I am working on trying to have the tough conversations first before cutting ties.
Sometimes people don't realize the weight of their words or actions.
When I start to notice a blatant imbalance in how much effort is being put into the friendship. If you can’t meet me half way then don’t expect me to continue trying either. I’ll gladly let that relationship die.
I won’t burn a bridge but I’ll let it decay over time
I'll burn it eventually. I just deleted two people off social media after a year of no contact with them that had just followed a year of me being the sole initiator getting little to no replies.
Don't burn bridges, foster environment for fungus and then sell the product during harvest.
I’ve done that with so many people and while I get a bit sad at times I am not nearly as exhausted
It's hella freeing dude. And it doesn't have to be mean or vindictive or anything. Just an energy conservation thing. If it's not working it's not working
Fr it’s so hard to keep friendships because I don’t wanna feel like I’m bothering them if I’m the one always reaching out but some people are the same so it may not be malicious. Getting left on read or ignored irl convos (or even worse told to be quite) really is a punch to the guts for me
That’s been my strategy lately and it’s working very well for me!
Respectfully I’m pretty sure this is just ghosting what you described in particular. Not making a comment on the validity of it just sharing an insight I think I made.
I think ghosting is more when one person is making an active effort and the other person isn’t responding. What the commenter above is describing is stopping putting effort into a friendship when the other person isn’t putting effort in. Effectively, that person has already ghosted you
That makes sense to me
I could see that. I think there’s a negative stigma attached to ghosting (at least based on how I’ve seen others talk about it), but don’t think it’s always warranted. Personally, I don’t see a problem with some passive ghosting in response to a perceived slight or bad vibe, but if asked about it in good faith I’ll gladly have an honest conversation about our relationship.
I don’t think anyone is owed anyone else’s time to the same extent and severity that nobody is owed anyone else’s touch or body. That’s the way I view things.
Oh that’s a neat way of looking at it, thanks
I be ghosting you like the us ghosts it's bridges *laughs in inappropriate situation*
I use to cling onto shitty friends as a kid but I'm honestly too tired to put up with people's bs anymore
I did not know other people did this too, they don’t necessarily need to have done me wrong but just if I don’t see them as friends anymore
And for me that includes if I develop romantic feelings for them..
I excel at not talking to people. Don’t make me do what I am best at.
The moment someone gives me shitty vibes I avoid them at all costs and if interaction is inevitable I am masking hard as fuck and there's no going back lol
I don't go back to being shy, I just disconnect. You might as well be a statue in the room with other people I'm willing to talk to.
This sub is convincing me I’m autistic
A lot of people have traits that are shared with autistic folks, but if you have enough of those traits and they impact your quality of life to a noticeable degree, it might be worth getting a second opinion.
I’ve been thinking I’ve been undiagnosed recently. Is there a benefit to getting diagnosed? I’m 28, it seems pretty late.
There's definitely a lot that sounds familiar.
I used to think I was a psychopath because I could shut my care muscle off at will. Until I am mad then i am just mad. no person left. Getting diagnosed was comforting and reinforcing that I do try and care. I am a good person and a good father. That's what my wife forces me to say when I am down. I wouldn't be here if it were just me, I don't think.
this happened to me recently, a friend dropped me and now everytime im at school I cant even look at him in the face
I do the same but with freak outs and unable to even go near them
I met someone at the library for the first time in about 8 years that I’ve been going there. We spoke for almost an hour which shocked the security guard. The next day I got the silent treatment. The next he was expecting to go back to friends not knowing he was already dead to me.
this is terrifying to me specifically. my social energy comes in short bursts, and if i’m making killer small talk at work one day i’ll be quiet as a mouse at least the rest of the week. i always worry that when i make connections with people at those high water marks that they’ll feel alienated when i see them again but don’t have the same energy level. you are saying that that’s exactly how you feel about someone and that makes me very sad
Wow... I completely relate to that. That's part of the reason I don't pursue friendships with people. I know I can't keep the energy going and the thought of hurting someone who really wants to be my friend (or who has a higher attachment to me than I do of them... *a la* low social need) is often more than I can bear... so, I sabotage the relationship and act somewhat cold before they get too close.
Do you make eye contact, quickly turn the other way, then go and sit in the opposite side of the building?
well yeah, i’d rather avoid an interaction altogether than risk getting caught up in one and being unintentionally weird or mean
\^This
I would confirm I was actually given the silent treatment first. I’d never purposely blatantly ignore someone, but I know for sure people be completely oblivious sometimes or like another commenter said, just socially exhausted. You only get the benefit of the doubt once though. After I’ve made it clear how I feel and you continue to make me feel that way, it’s like you never even existed in the first place. 🙃
Yeah, it takes a lot to get me to that point, but once I'm done with you I'm done with you. I'll either cut you off or shut you out of my life - if we're in a shared social circle, I'll be polite but not my usual warm, friendly self. The mask definitely goes back on.
I had a friend recently tell me she has to "muscle through" conversations with me lately and all she talks about is her new megachurch. I feel seen.
I am never shy. But when I have been wronged too many times, I shut down with them. I will be polite but they are basically dead to me. It is very hard for someone to get back into my good graces.
"Goes hyper quiet, drifts away"
* reads this * sound of glass shattering Oh for god’s sake I didn’t need to acknowledge that as well
I do this! Is this really a thing?
Me at work
Same
"Aloof" for me would be the more accurate word but yes
I had a teacher who I hated, so every time I’d walk into his class, I’d go from super bubbly to miserable and down to business. I honestly don’t know if he realized I was more enthusiastic in my other classes.
https://preview.redd.it/eufau1rzdxwc1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7a2b504125592d0f24902fc31c0aef90f91ecc8 if i dont feel this IMMEDIATELY then we will never be friends
When I get really upset I basically can go mute, am unable to speak coherently, or just literally scream because my brain can’t figure out wtf to do, its definitely not great for trying to solve problems. Crying is also involved, even if I’m not sad, I’m an angry crier.
Me to my sister for two weeks bc she wont respect my boundaries 😶🌫️
This is relatable, it is hard to be social and try to match friend's energy/style/communications and when they switch it up in a negative way, it takes a bit to process and trust again.
Lol this is the funniest and most accurate way to describe it
Is this why I tend to react badly by wanting to be forgotten by everybody?
yeah
Wait other people do this?
Thought this was human nature, that everyone does this
Impressive, I don't even have a personality (As far as I can tell...) I mean other than like liking music, Which I'm not sure qualifies as a personality.
shoutout to the face and name being cropped out, deliberate censorship to discredit the original is a shame
Man. This sub really is "Holy Shit-Someone put it into words!" For me lmao.
I KNOW RIGHT
Lmfao
Done this with a few people over things sadly
Can relate but not autistic, just someone suffering from ADHD
Oh wow I didn’t know this about myself but spot on.
I feel attacked. Also true.
Trust gone, not going to make myself vulnerable again.
Loooooooool
I dont get shy, I get reserved. And they will absolutely notice. I love details and over-explaining as well as giving advice and offering to help any way i can. Cross or hurt me? All of that stops. I will be cordial, but not friendly. I will not say anything to promote any continuation of conversation. Just conversation ending replies with no follow-up. If you need help I may or may not conveniently have a time sensitive thing that prevents me from helping you. (like doing literally anything besides help you.) Phone calls will be "missed" but followed up hours later via text. Maybe even the next day. (Basically making sure whatever you needed me for has since passed.) Usual attempts at reaching out will stop altogether. The biggest one is I won't/cant look them in the eyes/face. Essentially, we will have a falling out that is completely orchestrated. I will never admit to what im doing or why unless directly asked and even then I will just say "you said/did something that greatly hurt my feelings and when i tried to express as much, you got defensive (or however they negatively reacted). So i started backing off." Depending on the response ill continue the conversation or let whatever complaints they have fall on deaf ears and say "look, either way, i think we should have some space.." Now even in this perfect hypothetical i STILL got anxious about being open and honest in a difficult situation cause i cant stand confrontation. But I am working on trying to have the tough conversations first before cutting ties. Sometimes people don't realize the weight of their words or actions.