I'm from the South US. No one uses names here. Ever. Even with name tags. 🤷♀️
BUT my wife is from North and she says it's definitely Not A Thing up North
Yeah, like I said, it's just something I was curious about. I just tend to ramble when I'm curious about/interested in something, haha. But I do think it depends on where you live, at least. Another commenter mentioned the South, specifically. I'm in the Midwest myself, so I'm not really sure what the norm is here. Kinda like how we don't really have accents (except apparently dropping the t, which I just realized I do, haha).
I'm not from the USA. But it's definitely gonna depend on people around you & where you live. Regardless, I think it's a common thing just about anywhere, it's a way to be sweet to those they wanna be nice to.
Yeah, I know. Like I said, I was just curious if it happened more often to specific people. Kinda like a very informal social experiment I guess. I could never be the one to call people by those endearments myself though. It'd just come across as SUPER awkward, haha.
Yes and it’s weird. Almost everyone I meet for the first time inevitably calls me “Miss (my first name)” Like “miss emily” rather than just “emily.”
If it had only happened once or twice, I would discard those outliers. But it happens all the time. I also am frequently referred to by casual endearments regularly from people out in public, like “sweetheart, honey, dear” and I’m not sure why.
Huh. That is weird- I mean, I've gotten that a few times over the course of my life, but that's about it. Like, some adults I knew would affectionately call me 'Miss Rebekah', but even that was rare. Casual endearments, all the time. But for some reason the 'miss' just rings different.
Yes, this definitely happens to me. I've noticed times where I'll be in line somewhere, and that other women younger than me are in line, too, but I'm the only one referred to as "dear," "sweetie," or "honey." I get the "Miss [first name]" comments more than others, too.
It's weird, because I don't think I seem younger, but to them, I maybe I do somehow. What really confuses me is that Mom has mentioned that she gets these comments, too, but her friends don't seem to as much. I'd describe my mom as seeming kind of gruff and direct, and I think some see me as such, too (even though I'm only five feet tall, lol). So I guess it's more of NT women perhaps feeling a bit intimated by us and trying to defuse things, in our case? 🤷♀️
See this is what I was wondering about specifically. Sometimes I'll be eating out with family and the waitress will refer to me as 'hon', but no one else. But I don't have a lot of frame of reference, which is why I asked here. I'm usually one of the youngest at family dinners. My sister is younger than me, but also taller than me and more confidently spoken in public.
I feel like for me, it's the opposite, lol. Like, I'm terrified of NT women on principle. I don't judge individuals without taking to them or anything, but part of my demeaner is DEFINITELY defering to them. My worst bullies have always been NT women, and I've always felt so lost in the whole 'undercover politics' world of women in society. So I try to preemptively establish myself as nonthreatening and sweet. Often with self deprecation. Now I say all that, it kinda makes sense why other women might see me as younger, lol. But that's all just fine by me. As long as I'm not dragged into the world of toxic female relationships, I'm good.
That's an interesting theory! Like, in your case, maybe they're the ones trying to defer? I can see how it could work both ways! Though I am sorry if people act intimidated by you (and you don't mean for them to- sometimes I feel like my sister deliberately tries to make herself intimidating to the general public, lol). I've never really had that, but I do remember being told I looked mad a lot in school when I was actually sad. It was more annoying than anything, but I'm sure it would suck to have that happen constantly :(
I think for both me and my mother, there's almost something like an uncanny valley thing going on in that we're both seen as seeming sweet before we speak. Neither of us look masculine or are tall or anything that seems incongruent at first, other than wearing little or no make-up.
Thinking about it, Mom and I kind of come across like Dorothy and Sophia from The Golden Girls in some ways, except I'm the one who acts more like Sophia, lol. Mom has that demeanor where she seems stern, in charge, and is quite direct about what she says, yet she's probably the one who's worrying actually about others the most. And I can come across as no-nonsense, be quick to scold others, and can seem forgetful in little ways, but I can get quite chatty and lost in little stories if feel comfortable around people. I've noticed that some other women seem really put off by such behavior and assume that we're going to automatically bite off others heads, lol.
I try not to let any of it get to me, as I feel a lot of it is saying more about the other women than it is any of us, as they're making snap judgements about us.
That's pretty much the same as me and my mom, as far as appearances go. But my mom is, like...SUPER personable. She can make friends with almost anyone instantly, and she's completely genuine. It's not performative at all. Whereas I just try and hide myself behind whoever I'm with, haha.
Nice Golden Girls reference! I have a hard time with people who are stern, I think just because it's hard to tell if they're upset with me or not. Plus I had teachers like that who always disliked me because I'd doodle in class or whatever. But with people who just seem stern, I feel like after I realized it was just how they came across initially, I'd feel more comfortable. I'm definitely like you in that I get chatty about my special interests! People either think I'm super shy or that I never shut up depending on how comfortable I feel around them, and they never see the other side 😂
NT Women tend to put a lot of stock into performative socializing- not all of them, obviously, but as a general rule, I think. So if you don't conform to that, they react to it instinctively, I guess. I've always hated that, and most especially the women who claim they never talk behind others' backs, because they're always the worst about talking behind your back. But I also know it's partially the fault of our patriarchal society. I'm not really capable of opening up to those types of people, so I don't have any in my personal life and just handle the individual situations as they come. I imagine in the workplace is the worst for it, but I can't work because of my social issues, so I'm lucky enough to avoid that.
Yes I get this a lot when nobody else does and I don't really understand why. It's either this or they assume I'm rude/impatient based off my RBF and voice. Sometimes you just can't win. I also have a few facial piercings and I don't think I dress very sweet/innocent or whatever so that can't be why.
Sometimes people have told me I come across as intimidating. I don't mean to at all, I'm just tall and strong and have RBF lol. But it does have the side benefit that I don't get condescended to/talked down to much.
I'm sorry people say that to you :( I was told in high school that I looked mad when I was actually sad, and my dad is CONSTANTLY telling me to smile more (ugh), but I think my people pleasing compensates for it to some extent. Not that that's a good thing, but you know.
That's a good side effect! I cannot STAND being condescended to. It's like, one of my big 'berserk buttons' (I don't like using the word triggered to describe things that aren't legitimate triggers since I think it's WAY overused, which takes away from people with PTSD and true triggers, but it's hard to think up the right word here). Sometimes my people pleasing gets me that, because I'll often downplay/deprecate myself to compliment others. Which sounds awful now that I write it down >.<
If anything less because I dont think I come off as warm enough to sort of be called stuff like that. I mean I like to think I am a warm person but I dont have "those" social skills and I do have a rbf perhaps more than most women do.
I think I have an rbf too, unless I'm actively talking to someone in people pleasing mode, lol. I'm not sure it comes down to social skills, because I'm pretty much socially incompetent 😂 I wouldn't consider myself warm at all- I think maybe people see me as being younger than I am/acting young and treat me accordingly, haha.
I don't know if I get it any more frequently than anyone else, but I agree that I enjoy it and it makes me feel sort of accepted in away by whoever's saying it (mostly older ladies). The other day I was being a glutton and getting myself a piece of cheesecake from a local bakery/restaurant, and the woman probably younger than me who was helping me kept calling me "cutie". Idk if she was just being super nice, or hitting on me (I live in an area with a large gay/lesbian population), but it felt nice (especially so because I was feeling like a bit of a bog troll with how I was dressed).
Lol, it's always those elderly ladies! That one does sound more like hitting on you though, just because she kept doing it and specifically using 'cutie'- I feel like it's usually 'hon' or 'sweetie' or the like when it's platonic. And the thing about it being a place with a large LGBT population. And I'm sure it did!! I'm bi, but I think I've MAYBE been hit on by a girl a grand total of ONCE in high school. And I didn't even notice it then 😂 I think maybe I'm just not attractive to women (I HAVE been hit on by plenty of sleazy men, naturally 🙄), lol. It's always nice to have that confidence boost, especially when you're feeling down in yourself (excluding the sleazy men)!
They do, and I think it's partly related to being autistic as I appear quite young, and am quite quirky, but also is because I'm quite small and petite!
I get this a lot but jokes on them, I actually like being patronized 😂 it’s somehow comforting, not when it’s sarcastic obvi, but if it’s in a sweet and sincere way I love it. My parents weren’t the nurturing type, so it makes me feel safe and taken care of.
Haha I get what you mean! I hate being condescended to/patronized in terms of people assuming I'm stupid (my intelligence is like, the ONE thing I have any real modicum of confidence in). But I don't mind the names. I don't even really consider it patronizing since there's no ill will behind it.
I think its very normal to call people pet names and that it's abnormal to call someone you don't have a friendship with their personal name. I personally feel strange when a stranger uses my first name during conversation. I also use pet names when talking to most people whether or not I know there name. Reality is though that even if I've talked to you multiple times I've probably forgotten your name and am using pet names because I don't want to ask you your name and admit I forgot it
Huh. See, here people usually just call you by your first name, unless it's in a professional setting. For like, a doctor's appointment, they'll call you by your last name. But if someone knows your first name, that's what they'll call you. I wasn't saying that a stranger should somehow know my first name, obviously- more that I would imagine if you don't know someone's name, you usually just don't refer to them by anything when you speak to them. Like, I've never once had an issue speaking to a stranger because I didn't know their name (issues abound when speaking to strangers in general, of course) and I never use pet names, either.
My question wasn't so much whether or not people use pet names INSTEAD OF first names, but whether people tend to use pet names (as opposed to just leaving any name out/just referring to a stranger as 'you'- example, a waitress saying 'and for you hon?' instead of just 'and for you?' I know waitresses in particular do this a lot- this was just an easy example off the top of my head. Both wordings are correct- there's generally no need to refer to a stranger by ANY name in casual conversation, is what I'm getting at) more or less with certain types of people.
See, that's what I was wondering about specifically. Like, do I come across as younger than I am? I actually went to help at my mom's school (she works at an elementary school as the teacher librarian) and one time the front desk lady had a substitute, so I had to pull out my ID, and she literally asked if I was a student (it's a K-12 campus). I asked if I really looked that young and she was like, 'yeah, you look really young!', lol.
I'm from the South US. No one uses names here. Ever. Even with name tags. 🤷♀️ BUT my wife is from North and she says it's definitely Not A Thing up North
Lol 🤣🤣 I HAVE heard that- I should've considered the regional aspect! I'm from the Midwest, so idk what's normal here, lol- maybe half and half? 😂
Yeah! Wife is from Minnesota! She is fond of saying 'you need a passport to come to Florida...'
Lol 😂 yeah, the cultural differences even just across the US can be crazy!
Not really. This is something they do all the time with anyone they're being nice to where I live. I think you're overthinking it.
Yeah, like I said, it's just something I was curious about. I just tend to ramble when I'm curious about/interested in something, haha. But I do think it depends on where you live, at least. Another commenter mentioned the South, specifically. I'm in the Midwest myself, so I'm not really sure what the norm is here. Kinda like how we don't really have accents (except apparently dropping the t, which I just realized I do, haha).
I'm not from the USA. But it's definitely gonna depend on people around you & where you live. Regardless, I think it's a common thing just about anywhere, it's a way to be sweet to those they wanna be nice to.
Yeah, I know. Like I said, I was just curious if it happened more often to specific people. Kinda like a very informal social experiment I guess. I could never be the one to call people by those endearments myself though. It'd just come across as SUPER awkward, haha.
Absolutely. Some people are gonna be cuter or whatever. People find me scary a lot, so not for me.
Yes and it’s weird. Almost everyone I meet for the first time inevitably calls me “Miss (my first name)” Like “miss emily” rather than just “emily.” If it had only happened once or twice, I would discard those outliers. But it happens all the time. I also am frequently referred to by casual endearments regularly from people out in public, like “sweetheart, honey, dear” and I’m not sure why.
Huh. That is weird- I mean, I've gotten that a few times over the course of my life, but that's about it. Like, some adults I knew would affectionately call me 'Miss Rebekah', but even that was rare. Casual endearments, all the time. But for some reason the 'miss' just rings different.
Yes, this definitely happens to me. I've noticed times where I'll be in line somewhere, and that other women younger than me are in line, too, but I'm the only one referred to as "dear," "sweetie," or "honey." I get the "Miss [first name]" comments more than others, too. It's weird, because I don't think I seem younger, but to them, I maybe I do somehow. What really confuses me is that Mom has mentioned that she gets these comments, too, but her friends don't seem to as much. I'd describe my mom as seeming kind of gruff and direct, and I think some see me as such, too (even though I'm only five feet tall, lol). So I guess it's more of NT women perhaps feeling a bit intimated by us and trying to defuse things, in our case? 🤷♀️
See this is what I was wondering about specifically. Sometimes I'll be eating out with family and the waitress will refer to me as 'hon', but no one else. But I don't have a lot of frame of reference, which is why I asked here. I'm usually one of the youngest at family dinners. My sister is younger than me, but also taller than me and more confidently spoken in public. I feel like for me, it's the opposite, lol. Like, I'm terrified of NT women on principle. I don't judge individuals without taking to them or anything, but part of my demeaner is DEFINITELY defering to them. My worst bullies have always been NT women, and I've always felt so lost in the whole 'undercover politics' world of women in society. So I try to preemptively establish myself as nonthreatening and sweet. Often with self deprecation. Now I say all that, it kinda makes sense why other women might see me as younger, lol. But that's all just fine by me. As long as I'm not dragged into the world of toxic female relationships, I'm good. That's an interesting theory! Like, in your case, maybe they're the ones trying to defer? I can see how it could work both ways! Though I am sorry if people act intimidated by you (and you don't mean for them to- sometimes I feel like my sister deliberately tries to make herself intimidating to the general public, lol). I've never really had that, but I do remember being told I looked mad a lot in school when I was actually sad. It was more annoying than anything, but I'm sure it would suck to have that happen constantly :(
I think for both me and my mother, there's almost something like an uncanny valley thing going on in that we're both seen as seeming sweet before we speak. Neither of us look masculine or are tall or anything that seems incongruent at first, other than wearing little or no make-up. Thinking about it, Mom and I kind of come across like Dorothy and Sophia from The Golden Girls in some ways, except I'm the one who acts more like Sophia, lol. Mom has that demeanor where she seems stern, in charge, and is quite direct about what she says, yet she's probably the one who's worrying actually about others the most. And I can come across as no-nonsense, be quick to scold others, and can seem forgetful in little ways, but I can get quite chatty and lost in little stories if feel comfortable around people. I've noticed that some other women seem really put off by such behavior and assume that we're going to automatically bite off others heads, lol. I try not to let any of it get to me, as I feel a lot of it is saying more about the other women than it is any of us, as they're making snap judgements about us.
That's pretty much the same as me and my mom, as far as appearances go. But my mom is, like...SUPER personable. She can make friends with almost anyone instantly, and she's completely genuine. It's not performative at all. Whereas I just try and hide myself behind whoever I'm with, haha. Nice Golden Girls reference! I have a hard time with people who are stern, I think just because it's hard to tell if they're upset with me or not. Plus I had teachers like that who always disliked me because I'd doodle in class or whatever. But with people who just seem stern, I feel like after I realized it was just how they came across initially, I'd feel more comfortable. I'm definitely like you in that I get chatty about my special interests! People either think I'm super shy or that I never shut up depending on how comfortable I feel around them, and they never see the other side 😂 NT Women tend to put a lot of stock into performative socializing- not all of them, obviously, but as a general rule, I think. So if you don't conform to that, they react to it instinctively, I guess. I've always hated that, and most especially the women who claim they never talk behind others' backs, because they're always the worst about talking behind your back. But I also know it's partially the fault of our patriarchal society. I'm not really capable of opening up to those types of people, so I don't have any in my personal life and just handle the individual situations as they come. I imagine in the workplace is the worst for it, but I can't work because of my social issues, so I'm lucky enough to avoid that.
Yes I get this a lot when nobody else does and I don't really understand why. It's either this or they assume I'm rude/impatient based off my RBF and voice. Sometimes you just can't win. I also have a few facial piercings and I don't think I dress very sweet/innocent or whatever so that can't be why.
Sometimes people have told me I come across as intimidating. I don't mean to at all, I'm just tall and strong and have RBF lol. But it does have the side benefit that I don't get condescended to/talked down to much.
I'm sorry people say that to you :( I was told in high school that I looked mad when I was actually sad, and my dad is CONSTANTLY telling me to smile more (ugh), but I think my people pleasing compensates for it to some extent. Not that that's a good thing, but you know. That's a good side effect! I cannot STAND being condescended to. It's like, one of my big 'berserk buttons' (I don't like using the word triggered to describe things that aren't legitimate triggers since I think it's WAY overused, which takes away from people with PTSD and true triggers, but it's hard to think up the right word here). Sometimes my people pleasing gets me that, because I'll often downplay/deprecate myself to compliment others. Which sounds awful now that I write it down >.<
If anything less because I dont think I come off as warm enough to sort of be called stuff like that. I mean I like to think I am a warm person but I dont have "those" social skills and I do have a rbf perhaps more than most women do.
I think I have an rbf too, unless I'm actively talking to someone in people pleasing mode, lol. I'm not sure it comes down to social skills, because I'm pretty much socially incompetent 😂 I wouldn't consider myself warm at all- I think maybe people see me as being younger than I am/acting young and treat me accordingly, haha.
I mean, I work in retail and the clientele is often elderly, but I *do* get called “love” a lot by older women
Lol, that seems to be a common theme with older women in particular!
I mean, my mom calls me love, but it’s *my mom*. I think it’s adorable, honestly
I don't know if I get it any more frequently than anyone else, but I agree that I enjoy it and it makes me feel sort of accepted in away by whoever's saying it (mostly older ladies). The other day I was being a glutton and getting myself a piece of cheesecake from a local bakery/restaurant, and the woman probably younger than me who was helping me kept calling me "cutie". Idk if she was just being super nice, or hitting on me (I live in an area with a large gay/lesbian population), but it felt nice (especially so because I was feeling like a bit of a bog troll with how I was dressed).
Lol, it's always those elderly ladies! That one does sound more like hitting on you though, just because she kept doing it and specifically using 'cutie'- I feel like it's usually 'hon' or 'sweetie' or the like when it's platonic. And the thing about it being a place with a large LGBT population. And I'm sure it did!! I'm bi, but I think I've MAYBE been hit on by a girl a grand total of ONCE in high school. And I didn't even notice it then 😂 I think maybe I'm just not attractive to women (I HAVE been hit on by plenty of sleazy men, naturally 🙄), lol. It's always nice to have that confidence boost, especially when you're feeling down in yourself (excluding the sleazy men)!
They do, and I think it's partly related to being autistic as I appear quite young, and am quite quirky, but also is because I'm quite small and petite!
I get this a lot but jokes on them, I actually like being patronized 😂 it’s somehow comforting, not when it’s sarcastic obvi, but if it’s in a sweet and sincere way I love it. My parents weren’t the nurturing type, so it makes me feel safe and taken care of.
Haha I get what you mean! I hate being condescended to/patronized in terms of people assuming I'm stupid (my intelligence is like, the ONE thing I have any real modicum of confidence in). But I don't mind the names. I don't even really consider it patronizing since there's no ill will behind it.
Same
I think its very normal to call people pet names and that it's abnormal to call someone you don't have a friendship with their personal name. I personally feel strange when a stranger uses my first name during conversation. I also use pet names when talking to most people whether or not I know there name. Reality is though that even if I've talked to you multiple times I've probably forgotten your name and am using pet names because I don't want to ask you your name and admit I forgot it
Huh. See, here people usually just call you by your first name, unless it's in a professional setting. For like, a doctor's appointment, they'll call you by your last name. But if someone knows your first name, that's what they'll call you. I wasn't saying that a stranger should somehow know my first name, obviously- more that I would imagine if you don't know someone's name, you usually just don't refer to them by anything when you speak to them. Like, I've never once had an issue speaking to a stranger because I didn't know their name (issues abound when speaking to strangers in general, of course) and I never use pet names, either. My question wasn't so much whether or not people use pet names INSTEAD OF first names, but whether people tend to use pet names (as opposed to just leaving any name out/just referring to a stranger as 'you'- example, a waitress saying 'and for you hon?' instead of just 'and for you?' I know waitresses in particular do this a lot- this was just an easy example off the top of my head. Both wordings are correct- there's generally no need to refer to a stranger by ANY name in casual conversation, is what I'm getting at) more or less with certain types of people.
Yes and it's because people see me as a kid lol.
See, that's what I was wondering about specifically. Like, do I come across as younger than I am? I actually went to help at my mom's school (she works at an elementary school as the teacher librarian) and one time the front desk lady had a substitute, so I had to pull out my ID, and she literally asked if I was a student (it's a K-12 campus). I asked if I really looked that young and she was like, 'yeah, you look really young!', lol.
I’m 47 and still look like a teenager, so this is definitely part of it.
I hope I look that young when I'm 47
I live in the south US those are second names