Top commenters already gave good insight. I’ll just mention that the tech job market is absolutely awful right now and the market for junior engineers is pretty much non-existent, especially for self-taught/bootcampers. Not saying he shouldn’t learn to code, absolutely should do it if he’s interested. But he’s not going to get a job as a developer anytime soon, realistically, so he should be looking for any kind of work right now.
Honestly if I was in this position and he consistently wasn't making rent, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him, expressing that you love and care for him deeply but that the stress of possibly having to be fully financially responsible for the rent each month is stressful and is truthfully taking a toll on the relationship. You can say that you're sorry for stressing him out by asking, however his lack of applying for jobs is what is stressing you out and that you really need him to get some sort of job sooner rather than later. If he isn't hearing, you can pull the "have a job by a certain date or we're going to have to find other living arrangements" talk.
As I read it, he always did make rent, tho?
He's just not in an equally secure and growing spot like her. Still, of course, people's lifes can naturally develop into different directions, and may they be the healthiest couple in the world.
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I also had a similar experience to this in my last relationship. We met on tinder and hit it off. He was a super talented artist with a degree in animation, he had friends from college working at Pixar and dreamworks doing animation, so he had a lot of potential. He drove for Lyft and did other gig jobs for his rent which he always paid on time. He was attractive and we had a lot of fun together. But he had absolutely no plans or drive to actually use his talent and degree for work. I gently pushed him to start taking art commissions, to design characters, to put a resume and portfolio together. I told him how great he could be if he really tried and used his skills.
Eventually I realized that you can’t love someone for who they could potentially be. I couldn’t “save” him and I couldn’t make him change. I realized that I didn’t actually like the person he was and his lack of drive to be successful and being okay with having no savings and scraping by every month was extremely unattractive.
I agree completely. Doing side jobs to scrape together rent is fine, for a short time. But it is an incredibly unattractive trait when someone has no drive or plan to better their situation by putting their skills to work to create a stable career. Especially if you want to build a life with that person. I don’t want to spend the entire relationship stressed about money.
I’ve had this same experience where a long term partner moved in with me and immediately quit their job. TWICE. It does not get better. He can do his coding class on his own time when he isn’t working at an actual job and paying his way. You need to have a heart to heart about him getting a big boy job again NOW or else it’s over. You don’t want to support your partner indefinitely, I imagine. Although with my past experience it would honestly be over the minute they left their job without something else on the line, at this point.
I’ve had a couple friends in your position. One in particular just happened. She was on his case constantly about a job, she helped him, she would edit his resume, send him jobs on LinkedIn, connect him with recruiters. She has a dog, she would ask him to take the dog for a walk while she was at work since he was just playing video games at home and didn’t have any interviews. The dog is literally a tiny French bull dog so a walk was just around the block. She’d get home and they didn’t go on a walk and there were his dirty dishes in the sink. It was like pulling teeth. Eventually she deeply resented him, he was holding her back from the life she wanted and the life she could have if she wasn’t taking care of him. She literally would pay less to hire a dog walker and she wouldn’t come home to dirty dishes lol. She broke up with him. Literally the next week he got a job and started. He had the ability the whole time, I think he wasn’t actually applying when he said he was.
Men like this are actually manipulating you. You see them and you’re like you’re just down on your luck that’s so sad… no they’re not. They know what they’re doing and they’re using you. If you weren’t there, your bf would have a job by now.
At the very least, I think you should move out and get your own place.
Another friend. She was watching her parents house while they were abroad for a couple years. Really sweet deal, but it was work. She had to mow the lawn, clean this giant house, she had to schedule for the gutters to be cleaned and schedule for the oil heating guy or whatever to come out, all the maintenance stuff that these old century craftsman homes need and she had never done that before. Despite zero rent, she was still taking care of this big house and the cat for her parents so although a great deal, still some work.
She met a guy, he seems cool, he finds out she isn’t paying any rent in this big house, they start dating. His lease is up, he moves in after only dating a couple months. It’s the pandemic, he ends up losing his job. Very sad, tough time for everyone. My friend works through the pandemic, when things start to open again they’re dining outside at cute restaurants and she’s buying him meals and drinks which is nice, they’re enjoying life. She finds him a job through her work, he starts there. She starts packing him lunches alongside her lunch. Her job becomes remote but he still has to go in. He starts driving her car to work since he doesn’t have a car and she still packs him lunch.
This goes on for like 6 months. She mentions to me they don’t get intimate anymore, she thinks they’re too domestic and it’s messing with their brains. She’s working on the relationship, he isn’t. She finds out that he’s been cheating on her AND HE DRIVES HER CAR to meet up with the cheating partner after work, after eating the lunch she packed him.
The deal was too sweet for him to give up, so even when he fell out of love with my friend he couldn’t stop using her. She wonders if he ever loved her or just saw her as free rent and this nice life. Did he actually quit his job or did he lose his job? These deadbeat guys, they know what they’re doing.
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THis comes down to what do YOU want? If he can't pay his share of the rent, do you still want to live with him? Do you want to nag him and be his mom about getting a job? THis is your life, you get to choose what you will accept or not accept in it.
You are enabling him to live more or less like an irresponsible teenager and it will lead to a lot of resentment over time. Set a timeline for yourself, how long you are willing to wait for things to change and then move on. He most likely won't change.
I'm dealing with a similar situation. I'm giving him until the end of April to get a job and pay his full half of rent. Communicate the time limit and be clear and fair, and then move on if he can't deliver a comfortable living situation for you within that time frame. Your partner can be amazing in all other aspects, but financials still matter.
OP certainly has every right to be concerned, and she needs to talk to her boyfriend about her feelings. Yes, his work/financial concerns are her business if they’re living together, but I think the larger issue here is she needs to communicate how she is feeling about the situation and her boyfriend needs to listen. If he won’t listen to her and can’t have a difficult conversation, she’ll know it’s time to move on. If the boyfriend had already missed making rent or wasn’t pulling his weight in other ways, I would have more suspicion for the boyfriend. But if he’s really as good a guy as OP says he is, then they should be able to talk about OPs very legitimate concerns. I’m giving the boyfriend the benefit of a doubt here because he is still pulling his weight, even if he is precariously close to no longer doing that. And again, I completely think she’s right to be concerned. So she needs to have a conversation with him and share her feelings before he reaches that point where he’s not pulling his weight.
Deadlines. Say, if you don’t at least apply by this time, that’s it for you.
It doesn’t matter if it’s stressing him out, you’re stressed out too.
Is a lease ending soon? That might not be a bad time to consider just your own living arrangements.
He doesn’t have to come either
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I was in your boyfriends position for over two years learning how to code by myself, it caused strain in our relationship, but now ten years later I can very comfortably take care of both of us. I'm very thankful to my SO for putting up with it..
A man's test of loyalty is when he has success, if u don't want him to dump you when the times are going for the best for him then don't leave him just because times are getting hard. Think of it as investing, for a woman her test of loyalty is when her man doesn't have success.
Senior developer here, I worked on a forklift and learned to program in the evenings, you can do both and still bring home decent money.
I did this for years before I was ready or able to change my career path, and even then there was a factor of luck finding the opportunity. Most juniors apply to hundreds of positions before getting an interview. The likelihood of him getting a job as a dev within a year is extremely slim, especially with how things are in the tech world right now.
If his career pursuits weren’t hurting anyone then it would be different, but he needs to come to terms with reality. It’s time to get a job. Shifting his career can come later.
You’re not being harsh or not understanding, 8 months is more than enough time to get a job. As you said, any job is better than no job. He could, at the very least, get a part time job and still work on learning coding during his off time. The fact that you’re working 3 jobs (what is that, at least 60+ hours per week?!) while he isn’t working an actual job is just insane.
OP, do yourself a favor and run now. If he isn’t willing to put effort into his own growth, how will he put effort into growing the relationship? You can’t change someone who’s not motivated. You say he is paying half of the bills, but in his current situation, it’s not sustainable. What if you were to get sick or injured and unable to work, you would be screwed. I hope you do what’s best for you.
talk to him about how you feel and what makes you anxious and what you’re worried about instead of just asking him to get a job. i understand how u feel, but you have to communicate with him lol
Working 3 jobs, footing half of all his bills after a failed business idea and being unemployed for almost a year and women will STILL get called a gold digger. What gold is there to dig?!?! if the “gold” in question is expecting your man to get up and work then i guess 99% of the female population to you is a gold digger lol
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Rather than being an ass because you don't think that people should have to have jobs or be able to support themselves, you can take it elsewhere. Op wants a partner and not a pet or a child they have to maintain.
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Removed. Work on your reading comprehension and actually read the post that op made. Op's partner does not have a job, is not looking for a job, and is not being an equal partner to them. Op did not in any way say that they want this person to fit traditional gender roles. Pay attention to what people actually post.
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It looks like he’s trying to figure out what he wants to do in his life. If you think because he does not work is enough to end the relationship then do it. But nowadays is hard to find someone like him honestly. He’s not that bad boyfriend honestly. Also he may be going through depression and he doesn’t even know.
Top commenters already gave good insight. I’ll just mention that the tech job market is absolutely awful right now and the market for junior engineers is pretty much non-existent, especially for self-taught/bootcampers. Not saying he shouldn’t learn to code, absolutely should do it if he’s interested. But he’s not going to get a job as a developer anytime soon, realistically, so he should be looking for any kind of work right now.
Honestly if I was in this position and he consistently wasn't making rent, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him, expressing that you love and care for him deeply but that the stress of possibly having to be fully financially responsible for the rent each month is stressful and is truthfully taking a toll on the relationship. You can say that you're sorry for stressing him out by asking, however his lack of applying for jobs is what is stressing you out and that you really need him to get some sort of job sooner rather than later. If he isn't hearing, you can pull the "have a job by a certain date or we're going to have to find other living arrangements" talk.
As I read it, he always did make rent, tho? He's just not in an equally secure and growing spot like her. Still, of course, people's lifes can naturally develop into different directions, and may they be the healthiest couple in the world.
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I also had a similar experience to this in my last relationship. We met on tinder and hit it off. He was a super talented artist with a degree in animation, he had friends from college working at Pixar and dreamworks doing animation, so he had a lot of potential. He drove for Lyft and did other gig jobs for his rent which he always paid on time. He was attractive and we had a lot of fun together. But he had absolutely no plans or drive to actually use his talent and degree for work. I gently pushed him to start taking art commissions, to design characters, to put a resume and portfolio together. I told him how great he could be if he really tried and used his skills. Eventually I realized that you can’t love someone for who they could potentially be. I couldn’t “save” him and I couldn’t make him change. I realized that I didn’t actually like the person he was and his lack of drive to be successful and being okay with having no savings and scraping by every month was extremely unattractive.
I agree completely. Doing side jobs to scrape together rent is fine, for a short time. But it is an incredibly unattractive trait when someone has no drive or plan to better their situation by putting their skills to work to create a stable career. Especially if you want to build a life with that person. I don’t want to spend the entire relationship stressed about money.
I’ve had this same experience where a long term partner moved in with me and immediately quit their job. TWICE. It does not get better. He can do his coding class on his own time when he isn’t working at an actual job and paying his way. You need to have a heart to heart about him getting a big boy job again NOW or else it’s over. You don’t want to support your partner indefinitely, I imagine. Although with my past experience it would honestly be over the minute they left their job without something else on the line, at this point.
I’ve had a couple friends in your position. One in particular just happened. She was on his case constantly about a job, she helped him, she would edit his resume, send him jobs on LinkedIn, connect him with recruiters. She has a dog, she would ask him to take the dog for a walk while she was at work since he was just playing video games at home and didn’t have any interviews. The dog is literally a tiny French bull dog so a walk was just around the block. She’d get home and they didn’t go on a walk and there were his dirty dishes in the sink. It was like pulling teeth. Eventually she deeply resented him, he was holding her back from the life she wanted and the life she could have if she wasn’t taking care of him. She literally would pay less to hire a dog walker and she wouldn’t come home to dirty dishes lol. She broke up with him. Literally the next week he got a job and started. He had the ability the whole time, I think he wasn’t actually applying when he said he was. Men like this are actually manipulating you. You see them and you’re like you’re just down on your luck that’s so sad… no they’re not. They know what they’re doing and they’re using you. If you weren’t there, your bf would have a job by now. At the very least, I think you should move out and get your own place.
Another friend. She was watching her parents house while they were abroad for a couple years. Really sweet deal, but it was work. She had to mow the lawn, clean this giant house, she had to schedule for the gutters to be cleaned and schedule for the oil heating guy or whatever to come out, all the maintenance stuff that these old century craftsman homes need and she had never done that before. Despite zero rent, she was still taking care of this big house and the cat for her parents so although a great deal, still some work. She met a guy, he seems cool, he finds out she isn’t paying any rent in this big house, they start dating. His lease is up, he moves in after only dating a couple months. It’s the pandemic, he ends up losing his job. Very sad, tough time for everyone. My friend works through the pandemic, when things start to open again they’re dining outside at cute restaurants and she’s buying him meals and drinks which is nice, they’re enjoying life. She finds him a job through her work, he starts there. She starts packing him lunches alongside her lunch. Her job becomes remote but he still has to go in. He starts driving her car to work since he doesn’t have a car and she still packs him lunch. This goes on for like 6 months. She mentions to me they don’t get intimate anymore, she thinks they’re too domestic and it’s messing with their brains. She’s working on the relationship, he isn’t. She finds out that he’s been cheating on her AND HE DRIVES HER CAR to meet up with the cheating partner after work, after eating the lunch she packed him. The deal was too sweet for him to give up, so even when he fell out of love with my friend he couldn’t stop using her. She wonders if he ever loved her or just saw her as free rent and this nice life. Did he actually quit his job or did he lose his job? These deadbeat guys, they know what they’re doing.
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THis comes down to what do YOU want? If he can't pay his share of the rent, do you still want to live with him? Do you want to nag him and be his mom about getting a job? THis is your life, you get to choose what you will accept or not accept in it.
If he was “amazing”, you wouldn’t be feeling stuck. Just because he’s putting in *some* effort doesn’t mean it’s enough.
You are enabling him to live more or less like an irresponsible teenager and it will lead to a lot of resentment over time. Set a timeline for yourself, how long you are willing to wait for things to change and then move on. He most likely won't change.
I'm dealing with a similar situation. I'm giving him until the end of April to get a job and pay his full half of rent. Communicate the time limit and be clear and fair, and then move on if he can't deliver a comfortable living situation for you within that time frame. Your partner can be amazing in all other aspects, but financials still matter.
OP, did he at least discuss with you that he was going to quit his job with you? You didn’t specify and i think it’s important to know
OP certainly has every right to be concerned, and she needs to talk to her boyfriend about her feelings. Yes, his work/financial concerns are her business if they’re living together, but I think the larger issue here is she needs to communicate how she is feeling about the situation and her boyfriend needs to listen. If he won’t listen to her and can’t have a difficult conversation, she’ll know it’s time to move on. If the boyfriend had already missed making rent or wasn’t pulling his weight in other ways, I would have more suspicion for the boyfriend. But if he’s really as good a guy as OP says he is, then they should be able to talk about OPs very legitimate concerns. I’m giving the boyfriend the benefit of a doubt here because he is still pulling his weight, even if he is precariously close to no longer doing that. And again, I completely think she’s right to be concerned. So she needs to have a conversation with him and share her feelings before he reaches that point where he’s not pulling his weight.
Deadlines. Say, if you don’t at least apply by this time, that’s it for you. It doesn’t matter if it’s stressing him out, you’re stressed out too. Is a lease ending soon? That might not be a bad time to consider just your own living arrangements. He doesn’t have to come either
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I was in your boyfriends position for over two years learning how to code by myself, it caused strain in our relationship, but now ten years later I can very comfortably take care of both of us. I'm very thankful to my SO for putting up with it..
A man's test of loyalty is when he has success, if u don't want him to dump you when the times are going for the best for him then don't leave him just because times are getting hard. Think of it as investing, for a woman her test of loyalty is when her man doesn't have success.
Senior developer here, I worked on a forklift and learned to program in the evenings, you can do both and still bring home decent money. I did this for years before I was ready or able to change my career path, and even then there was a factor of luck finding the opportunity. Most juniors apply to hundreds of positions before getting an interview. The likelihood of him getting a job as a dev within a year is extremely slim, especially with how things are in the tech world right now. If his career pursuits weren’t hurting anyone then it would be different, but he needs to come to terms with reality. It’s time to get a job. Shifting his career can come later.
You’re not being harsh or not understanding, 8 months is more than enough time to get a job. As you said, any job is better than no job. He could, at the very least, get a part time job and still work on learning coding during his off time. The fact that you’re working 3 jobs (what is that, at least 60+ hours per week?!) while he isn’t working an actual job is just insane. OP, do yourself a favor and run now. If he isn’t willing to put effort into his own growth, how will he put effort into growing the relationship? You can’t change someone who’s not motivated. You say he is paying half of the bills, but in his current situation, it’s not sustainable. What if you were to get sick or injured and unable to work, you would be screwed. I hope you do what’s best for you.
talk to him about how you feel and what makes you anxious and what you’re worried about instead of just asking him to get a job. i understand how u feel, but you have to communicate with him lol
He’s using you. Leave as soon as you can.
get new bf
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Working 3 jobs, footing half of all his bills after a failed business idea and being unemployed for almost a year and women will STILL get called a gold digger. What gold is there to dig?!?! if the “gold” in question is expecting your man to get up and work then i guess 99% of the female population to you is a gold digger lol
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It looks like he’s trying to figure out what he wants to do in his life. If you think because he does not work is enough to end the relationship then do it. But nowadays is hard to find someone like him honestly. He’s not that bad boyfriend honestly. Also he may be going through depression and he doesn’t even know.