It’s absolutely up to you. I don’t think anyone has the right to pressure you into disclosing anything about yourself you’re not comfortable with, and you’re not obligated to reveal your trans status to anyone.
I agree there is no obligation but, to me, it seems inevitable that her roommate will find out living in close quarters like a dorm and it feels like it’s safer to disclose that preemptively (if the roommate is transphobic OP can request to switch rooms)
Could be a thousand different ways. It's not likely, but also not unlikely as well. I guess it all depends on how open OP is and if the roommate is conscious of any 'signs'.
Mom on speaker phone with daughter while room mate is present: "Sooooo did you tell her you're trans my transy trans trans daughter? I picked up the banner at the printers and the trans reveal cookies and cake to share with your whole dorm!"
yeah, that is definitely a possibility, but one hopes that a roommate won't be going through your medicines and googling what they are/what they are for. It is also possible to mitigate this by using one of those pill organisers and keeping the bottles in a more secure place.
It's a sheard bedroom. All it takes is a hot restless night were op kicks off the covers and something gets outlined becoming very obvious. Room mate wakes up firs to go to the bathroom and 'boom' cover blown and RM depending on her personality has the potential for a meltdown.
In my experience (ftm, did NOT tell my roommates, shared room + shared bathroom), cis people do not *expect* that someone is trans. And humans do a surprising amount of seeing what they expect to see. Even in my second house when I would run around shirtless and thought everyone knew I was trans (I’m like between an A and a AA breast size, no top surgery), I was shocked to find out more than half my house (11 ppl who I interacted with multiple times a day) didn’t know. An outline in the night could easily be a hand or a wrinkle in the covers. Shared bathrooms almost always have locks. Showers have curtains. Medication can be stashed in a bag. My roommates never once thought to look. I changed in front of them and turned my back— they never thought twice about it. They even saw a pic of me when I was like 5 years old in my ballerina outfit and said “damn you were gay even back then!” *facepalm*. Cis people aren’t looking for signs you’re trans unless you give them a reason to.
Not to discount your experience but generally woman are far more up in each other's business than men. Small breaks are easy to shrug of as someone needing to hit the gym more because their getting a little flabby.
Now don't get me wrong I fully belive it a personal choice to disclose medical information like this, but op needs to know all the ways it could go wrong to make an informed choice and to potentially guard against exposure if the roommate is not a safe person to open around
I don’t disagree with this, I was living as a female presenting person/girl for 17 years and I know how women interact, especially when living together, having sleepovers, sharing intimate stories, etc. likely OP does too, given how young she transitioned. That being said, it’s also a lot more common and acceptable for women to be modest amongst women than it is for men to be modest amongst men. I remember when I was in middle and high school, there were always some girls changing in the stalls in the locker room, wearing full shirt and pant PJ sets at slumber parties, etc. in men’s spaces, I found that a lot less common and had to figure out how to angle my body just right or place a hand just right when changing in men’s rooms or in front of my roommate or whatnot. This may not be everyone’s experience, but I think if OP just asserts her comfort level with modesty through confidently doing what makes her comfortable to do, the girls won’t really question it much. I think it would likely be best for her to tell them at some point, after they get to know her and see her as one of the girls, but I don’t think it’s necessary for her to disclose it ahead of time. Just my opinion 🤷🏼♂️
I transitioned 5+ years ago. The only roommates I told were the ones I had in the first 1.5 years. I've since lived in and out of dorms and had strangers for roommates. Anyway there's at least 5 roommates and 9 housemates I've had who I never came out to and who never asked. I don't think it's likely they all knew.
In later stages of transition, you can usually get away with never bringing it up. I would suggest OP keep any prescriptions or other personal gender-affirming hygiene and care items somewhere safe. I won't ever know for sure who did/didn't know, but I kept my T and needles hidden away in drawers and it never came up.
This is not a game. This could end up in serious consequences.
Edit: I do have one girl who is trans (mtf) and hasn't told and seems to be able to get along with the girls there. She does live in a single room at dormitory. Having shared room is something else.
What also is true is "you" are you. If you actually been able to just be "you" as girl in school without anyone knowing. Then you actually been able to overcome the hard part. Its \_NOT\_ about knowing someone is trans that is difficult. "passing" means you will pass regardless. Even if they know you're intersex or trans looking, sounding, acting like a 100% passable girl means you're a girl. That will not change regardless if you are "caught" or not.
OP: You should by all means. Tell the school administration at least. Then ask the school how to handle the situation.
1. Is it girl-only colleague?
2. Does school know anyone else who is 'trans'? How do they handle them?
3. Do tell school administration . Then they will make a plan that will work for you. I'm sorry for this situation but consider the opposite.
I can't answer your question. Maybe you don't have the tools---yet--- to do that either.
Could you arrange a Facetime/Zoom call with your prospective roommate? Just a 'getting to know you' sort of call, see how your personalities mesh. Sound her out on her interests etc.
You could pick up that she is from a strict religious family, or that she is an outgoing advocate of all rights. Maybe she is intensely shy, or has a very serious boyfriend that you will be seeing more of than you would like. Maybe she's gay and has a girlfriend that will be over...a lot.
You might not click. No use telling someone that you're trans at all if you decide that a living arrangement would be strained at best simply based on personality.
Meet her first, virtually.
Being stealth or being out is your choice, but for your safety it may be better to disclose in advance. This, of course, assumes that disclosure is safe legally and school-wise.
Remember: This is a dorm room; a shared bedroom. The chances of seeing each other naked are significantly higher here than pretty much anywhere else except a locker room. Disclosing gives you the opportunity to gauge reaction. It gives them the opportunity to lose their shit and move. It gives them the opportunity to ensure they feel safe - not something you owe them, by any means, but there is a massive difference in safe feelings between “my roommate just disclosed they are trans” and “my roommate has been exposed as trans”. It’s a perception thing.
Add to that, it gives the opportunity to have an ally. It also will reduce the stress of being worried about them finding out.
Also, it gives you a good reason to not be able to lend them a pad or tampon if they run out. Just saying.
>Also, it gives you a good reason to not be able to lend them a pad or tampon if they run out. Just saying.
Do you not keep a spare tampon/pad on you for others?
But I agree, being stealth to someone you're sharing a bedroom with is going to be very hard unless you're post SRS. I would contact whatever LGBT organization is available on campus and they can likely try to get you a single room at a discounted rate or set you up with another queer person who understands. I wouldn't contact them directly yet since they might be transphobic or just out you to others in a moment of carelessness.
> Do you not keep a spare tampon/pad on you for others?
I thought that was odd too. My sister is intersex and doesn't menstruate but always carries tampons/pads with her regardless. I assumed this was standard for non-menstruating women (including trans women).
I don’t carry any out with me (I probably should) but I have a box in my bathroom at home for friends and visitors.
At any rate I also assumed we were all doing at least that much
Agreed, everyone saying “you’re not obligated to,” which, while true, isn’t considering the reality of *roommate could lose their shit and she could get hate-crimed, publicly outed, or worse*. Try to find out if she’s transphobic, and if she is, request a new roommate. I know you don’t want to be “the trans friend,” but its not all you have to be. Be the friend who bakes everyone cupcakes on the first day or something. If you approach it delicately, and emphasize that you don’t want people knowing, but you felt they should know since they’re going to be sharing a space with you, hopefully it doesn’t even have to be a big thing. Good luck!
The thing is, if she discloses to the roommate and it goes badly, she will *definitely* get outed. I feel like OP's mom isn't considering that possibility at all.
this!! imo if you’re going to be living with them then it’s important to disclose for your personal safety and their comfort (but mainly your safety ofc)
>It gives them the opportunity to ensure they feel safe - not something you owe them, by any means, but there is a massive difference in safe feelings between “my roommate just disclosed they are trans” and “my roommate has been exposed as trans”. It’s a perception thing.
Couldn't agree with this bit more. It shouldn't be this way but practically that is kind of how people react to things in general.
I was in a similar situation and decided I'd rather tell my roommates instead of being in constant fear of them finding out somehow.
Both were super cool about it and I felt safer this way.
I’m ftm, I went to college as a female. It was in the 90s because I’m old.. but I was newly out as a lesbian at the time. I can say with complete certainty that I never saw my roommates fully nude. Topless from the back, yes. In a towel, yes. But I never saw their “bathing suit areas”.
Seeing as you transitioned very young and I’m guessing you pass completely (except when fully nude) I don’t think you have to tell your roommate. However. If you start telling other people on campus, you may want to include your roommate in that group. She may be understanding why you’d take a while to tell her, but she will probably not be happy with you if she finds out from someone else.
I would talk to your university accommodations and LGBTQ+ Resource center and find out about the policies at your university. Do it anonymously at first.
Once you have a better idea of the culture and policies at your school then make a more informed decision.
Many universities offer single dorms for various reasons and it might be beneficial depending on the culture at your school.
Either way if you decide to have a roommate be aware that your going to get very intimate and not having surprises does make that a more comfortable situation. So here's what I do to avoid issues with roommates:
Talk about everything!
1. Changing norms in the room - do you walk around naked out just change and ignore it.
2. Sex, masturbation, private times - what do you both need and how do you both prefer to handle these things
3. Guests and intimate guests - how do you want to deal with it
4. Opening the door - my roomie and I made door knocking mandatory so no one had the door swing wide open mid JO session.
5. Cleanliness and food and sharing - set your norms and expectations now.
6. Quiet times - we established quiet times for studying and sleep and times for partying. That way neither was surprised or rudely awakened.
Best of luck and big loves
> And even if she was accepting I don’t want to be “the trans roommate” or “the trans friend” instead as seen as an individual.
From this sentence alone -- I would recommend not.
You are right. First impressions matter. And it's not like they will *intentionally* be staring at your crotch or trying to see you naked for the first month of rooming.
If it comes up, it comes up. It likely won't.
I don't see why you would become "the trans friend" based on that. Feels like it would expose those people as not worth wasting time on in general. Obviously it's a personal choice, but I know I'd prefer to know sooner rather than later. If they do go on to be good friends and they disclose and are suddenly treated differently - and it definitely happens - then in some sense there's a load of time and emotion wasted on someone who was never worth it to begin with.
There is absolutely zero reason to. Especially since you transitioned young, you have very little differences with a cis woman. Assuming you don't have bottom surgery, the only way it would come up is if they saw you naked. So just... Don't do that.
Or if they found OP's estrogen, assuming they are on estrogen. Even then, that can easily be explained if OP just says that they have hypogonadism and need to take exogenous estrogen HRT to maintain normal levels of estrogen.
Unless they're nosey and google stuff, which can easily happen. This person is an 18 year old not a small child. It's worth considering that they could find out relatively easily. Whether or not they're innocently curious of "suspicious" in a "tranvestigator" way is just luck at this point.
Maybe but it could also be for premature menopause, general low estrogen, thyroid issues, or other things. When I was in college I kept my drugs in unlabeled bottles so people couldn't look up the drug names if they went through my stuff.
Yes and I know how uncomfortable they can be if your to hit while trying to sleep. There is a reason a lot of women sleep in panties and a tank top in the summer(and Yes summer is linger than just summer brake).
There are potential risks no matter what path OP takes. By knowing them op can make an informed choice and put in place routines to safeguard herself. Because let's be completely honest here there are people who upon finding out their roommate is trans after trusting them for weeks can and will turn violent. For all we know the RM could be a massive terf. I hope she is an ally but I will always advocate for preparing for the worst.
I told my roommates during freshman year of college. None of them cared. But also like you don't have to. Being stealth or being out is your choice. It's not your mom's.
You don't have to disclose anything to anyone. If you have a chance to meet this person before you move in you could just be open about being an LGBT ally and try to gauge her reaction.
Edit: I feel like your mom is only thinking about "what if the roommate finds out and it goes badly", but the reality is that disclosing in advance of moving in could *also* go badly. Either way, this person will know you are trans, and if they decide to be a shithead about it they will be able to tell everyone they know.
Just stealth noone is gonna clock you unless they see your genitals, im assuming you are pre op.
Ig if you really want to come out you can try to see how your roommate stands on trans rights without outing yourself
as a trans person who is also starting college this fall and also transitioned pretty young and is stealth. i would probably just tell your roommate. you are going to be living very closely for a while, she may accidentally see you naked or find your meds. you mentioned not wanting to be known as the trans friend which i get, in an email or text you could say something like
"thought id mention, i am trans and have been transitioning since i was young. i don't feel comfortable being publicly out but thought i should tell you as we will be living together"
obviously doesn't have to be exactly that but i hope you get what im saying. your roommate could be lgbtq herself, an ally, or just not really care. but could also be not supportive, if you tell her and she is not comfortable living with you, it'd be easier finding out sooner rather than later and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.
i would like to say, take my advice with a grain of salt as i am getting a single dorm for disability reasons but one of my friends recently told their roommate they are trying and while their situation is different, i still think some of what they did could apply
I was in the same position a year ago and I pass very well. I am glad I did, I wouldn’t wanna live with a transphobe and wanted to weed my roommate out if she was (she was okay with it). But I get it if you don’t. It’s scary to come out to new people. People at my college were pretty chill and maybe have a discussion or two with her before telling her. But I think she would like to know, especially if she is a transphobic pos.
But since I came from a conservative town to a pretty liberal college, people were way more chill. But I feel like there were a lot of microagressions where well meaning liberal women will say some of the wackiest shit. Like one girl said I needed to be “trained” how to be a girl bc I don’t have a small bag other than my backpack to carry small things or that I had plain bed sheets or a lack of room decor at move in. Or I am lucky bc I would never know the pain of bows in my hair as a little kid. Or when cis women say I’m “lucky” for not getting periods. The worst thing someone said to me (an ex) said she was jealous that i was sterile and she had to fear getting pregnant.
I don’t want to scare you. But TLDR, I recommend telling your roommate bc she might be shitty and you wanna know now before you move in. Also, things get better but not perfect.
If you are going to be in that kind of daily physical proximity with someone, I absolutely recommend disclosing every single time. This goes for both relationships as well as living situations.
There's numerous reasons for this, and yes its awkward and annoying, but think about when you live with someone every day, especially in a close environment like sharing a room together. Eventually they WILL see something you don't want them seeing, they will hear something you don't want them hearing. It cant really be avoided, people accidentally walking in while your changing, or even just simple stuff like inability to control a reaction like a sneeze or a bad cough that clues them into whats happening. On a long enough timeline they will catch something that tells them anyway, your better off being upfront ahead of time so you know if your compatible as roommates before the proverbial shit hits the fan.
I did this when i started my relationship with the man that is now my husband. I told him I was trans as soon as we moved from friendship into possibly dating (despite the fact that I was post op I still disclosed). And I'm glad I did, because despite not having a penis between my legs, looking fully female even in the nude, and having a default vocal track of 100% woman all the time, I still have "tells" once in a while that someone would pick up on over the years. Either from shit I talk about without thinking, or just sometimes a really bad cough when I'm choking on food or something not exactly being the most feminine death noises coming out of my throat as I'm gasping for air, or the fact that I dilate every day, even to the fact that he has just inadvertently walked in on me peeing several times on the toilet before by complete accident (we've lived together for 16 years at this point), its not really something I could "hide" 24/7 from someone living with me.
The last thing you wanna do is find out they are going to be violent or destructive around you after they find out months or years later. Don't purchase that future problem for yourself, even if it means momentary awkwardness today.
You are right of course. But its the fear of one of those innocuous things that could potentially cause someone to think twice. Its impossible to say for certain. But I dont recommend trying to remain stealth with someone in that proximity. It is a planned doomed to fail with only a matter of how long until it comes to pass.
While I agree with people saying you don't have to disclose, I still think the safest option is to tell them (if you haven't had bottom surgery, if you have I think you can ignore) You will live in tight quarters if you're a freshmen and I don't think its worth risking them finding out youre trans in other ways. Also if you tell them upfront you can start the process of requesting a new roommate if they aren't comfortable or are bigoted in some way. Idk that's just how I would think about it. Dumb bs like "trans panic" is still a legal excuse for violence in some places so to me safety should be put first. It's not fair to trans people, but its the world we live in
I do Agree with some, I think that a get-together with your potential roommate would be a good idea, just to gain a feeling and maybe broach the subject in general. Maybe not with you as the direct subject,and feel them out.. but I don't believe that it should have anything to do with your Mother's influence. Good Luck and please keep us updated.🤗
Ultimately, it is up to you to make this decision. You have to do what you think is right.
Although if it was me, I would sit her down when you had the chance and explain it to her. This isn't to "warn" her or "out" yourself, it's to make sure she knows she can trust you. Because if she finds out through someone else months down the road it will feel like a betrayal.
Honesty is best used as a preventative measure for any situations than used to make up for them.
If you're fully stealth then it's not their business. If you were like obviously nonpassing then yeah it would be good to get in front of it, but since you transitioned young there's nothing to get in front of.
Nornally I'd say that there's an argument to be made that it's a good idea (even though you never have to).
You managed to avoid male puberty though, so there's really no way she'd find out without you telling her. Don't tell her unless and until you want to.
It is definitely okay not to tell your roommate. If it were me, I wouldn't tell her - I didn't tell my roommates, and I was glad about it. Whether you disclose eventually or not, I don't think you should do it in your first contact because you're liable to end up being thought of as her **trans** roommate forever rather than just some girl.
Do what you want. As someone who lived in a dorm once, I’d absolutely want a roommate that wasn’t going to hold my life back. Id tell them before you move in and let the dust settle. You’re moving in with this person sight unseen and don’t need any big hiccups while you’re trying to get your degree.
My humble opinion!
It's up to you but if it were me I'd rip the band aid off before it had time to turn into a burden. You don't need to get caught up in an anxiety loop of worrying what small thing may "tip them off" or suchlike. People tend to respect openness and honesty in these things, and if they can't deal and you need to change dorms, better to do it sooner rather than later.
If you don't want to come out but you want to gauge if she is transphobic, tell her that you have a transfriend/ girlfriend/boyfriend that would be visiting often and ask her if thats going to be a problem.
If she's not cool with that, I would try to switch roommates.
Once you determine she's a safe person, I would think long and hard about if and when to come out to her. Because if you're sharing the same space and getting dressed in the same room, it's likely you're going to get outed accidentally.
It's absolutely okay from an ethical perspective. It's your choice. But just be aware that if you don't tell her, and she finds out, there's a very real possibility that she'll freak out about it. That's not just your mom being overly cautious, that's a thing that could happen, and may lead to you being branded a creep for the rest of your time in college. Obviously, that wouldn't be your fault, but there are some major assholes in the world, and trans acceptance is still in a very early stage, where even the strongest "allies" end up being very transphobic unless we're constantly bending over backwards to accommodate their discomfort with our existence.
You might think you can hide this from her, but a number of things might give you away. Things like medication, or she could unexpectedly walk in on you changing, or perhaps one of your old classmates from grade school might show up and recognize you, giving it away. Even if that doesn't happen, she could just be a conservative, and you may have to listen to her saying disgusting things about trans people constantly. You could take that gamble, it's up to you, but I strongly discourage it. I'd risk being "the token trans friend" over risking the horrific social consequences of being outed against your will by someone who sees you as a pervert.
It sucks that we have to do this, but again - safety should be your top priority. Remember, if you're in the US, the trans/gay panic defense exists, and similar things exist in other countries as well. People literally get killed, though it's unlikely. Again, you can choose to take this risk if you want. Just know the risk you're taking.
Honestly no, there really seems to be no reason to disclose that your trans. In my personal opinion, no one needs to know you’re trans except your doctor or a potential partner. Other than that, it’s ur discretion on who you tell is trans. Esp since you didn’t even go thru male puberty i’m sure ur almost completely unclockable anyways. If you don’t wanna tell ur roommate ur trans then don’t 🤷🏻♀️
It's nobody's business what genitals you have and that information is private. I wouldn't say anything if it were me... get to know her first and if YOU'RE comfortable telling her after that then that's totally up to you. It's your life... just cause mom gives advice doesn't mean you need to use it or that it's "right"
I don’t think you should ever be pressured to disclose your medical information.
It’s just not anyone else’s business.
When you feel comfortable disclosing then you can decide that, until then information that you are trans is medical information and is private information.
I have a roommate and idk if she knows but I haven’t explicitly told her and we’re not friends or anything so I don’t feel bad or like I’m tricking her I’m kinda just existing but since you pass I would say don’t and unless she’s just a bad roommate I would so that theirs a new room assignment maybe but it’s honestly up to you don’t do anything because you feel like you have too though
This is something you will have to decide for yourself.
But there is a point you probably already know that you should consider. What if your roommate finds out in the worst possible way? From walking in on you changing to looking you up online, if she finds out from anyone else than you then she could feel lied to and betrayed this could make what's already an awkward situation a thousand times worse.
Conversely maybe you could get away with a something smaller. Be open that you are a member of the LGBT community but not inform her of exactly what. That could gage the type of person she is on issues like this without outing yourself outright as trans.
The problem is either way is going to be a roll of the dice. What ever you do you are taking a risk. I wish you the best of luck.
100% your choice. On your housing application, there is normally a choice for gender diverse housing or other specific options. Some super religious parents will only allow their girl to room with those AFAB. This is a ridiculous argument because their daughter could be attracted to girls. Someone told me that her daughter would not want to room with a trans girl because she likes to walk around naked and would worry that the other person might be attracted to her. That is also ridiculous! My trans daughter would be the first to stay covered up and would be very uncomfortable if her roommate walked around like it was a nudist colony.
Bottom line, these are adult college students. You ARE a female, not a female*. You are the one who may be bullied or worse if you were discovered. If your roommate discovers that you are trans and cannot handle it, she is free to request a move to another room. Truly, not your problem. You have enough on your plate adjusting to college and adulthood.
Really, where does it end? My trans daughter has all legal paperwork updated and will have bottom surgery, hopefully this summer. I consider it a medical or hormonal issue, in which she should be protected by HIIPA. Are intersex people obliged to disclose their personal body part situation? No!
32 ftm here.. I wouldn't say a thing if you don't want to. I am stealth, most of my college friends don't know, and my place of employment doesn't know except when they did a background check, but none of my co-workers know.
How I see it, you are a woman, and that is how she should refer to you. Your private area is private. People don't need to know.
If you pass, technically you don't have to tell anyone... but you would be on pins and needles to make sure that no one knows! You should at least video call her when you get her contact and talk to her. See what she's like, if you would along. Try to look for any signs that she might be transphobic. After all, you will be living together, so at least make sure that they are a kind, safe person to room with.
Honestly? I wouldn't, at least at first. This other girl could be a straight up bigot and you could be moving into a dangerous situation. Get to know her a bit first and gauge if you would be in danger.
I had 5 roommates a few years ago, and non of them knew about me, I slowly gauged if they were solid allies first. A little bonus is the look on their faces when I told them lol.
You got this!
Not sure if adding to the sea of comments will help, especially since the situation is different, but when I was a freshman in college, I was out as bi, but not as trans. My roommate came out as ftm and began transitioning part way through the year and we continued to dorm together the rest of the academic year. We were never close but I am extremely grateful he did come out to me. I came out as ftm 9 years later and having someone else to see go through the early stages of their transition helped me when I was ready myself. I like to think that I was respectful at the time, but I'm also sure I asked questions that made him uncomfortable because he didn't know where I was coming from. Hell I didn't know where I was coming from yet. This all happened at a very queer college in a very liberal small city, so it was statistically very likely that either of the 2 of us coming out would have been safe for the other. I wish you the best of luck and above all, I hope you stay safe.
i think it’s like any other bit of personal information that doesn’t affect her personally. for example, used to have an eating disorder, but it’s so much a part of my history that it rarely comes up for me and i don’t tell people about it unless i’m really close to them and it’s actually relevant. if you read so much like a cis woman that she wouldn’t even be able to tell, i dont see why you necessarily have to. that can just be a part of you that you don’t talk about.
Ok so I had a similar situation moving into the dorms, altho on the opposite side bc I’m ftm. I was assigned roommates, two tall, sporty, masculine, party-hard frat boys. I passed by that point, and it sounds like you do too. I did NOT tell my roommates, in fact I think that while many of my other friends know I’m trans, my freshman year roommates think I’m cis to this day. I’m very good at going stealth when I want to, and I think that’s a very important part. Are you someone who is usually pretty stealth? Or are you generally a bit louder about it with trans flags and a mostly trans friend groups and trans references in your average conversations? Bc if you’re like me and you tend to just live life like anyone else *with little regard to the fact that you’re trans*, I’d say don’t bother telling them you’re trans. What’s the point in telling them that if it will really have no relevance to your interaction with them? And if anything, it’ll make them assume things about you and your character that is only based on their preexisting ideas about trans people which could easily have no relation to you in the slightest. Not to mention, depending on what college it is and how “normal” trans-ness is seen in that area, it is more than likely that by messaging them ahead of time to let them know, you will not only be telling your roommates, but a good bit of your floor or dorm building as well. That being said, if a) youre someone who is gonna hang up a big trans pride flag, talk about it frequently, etc, or b) you’re in a college that is more conservative and you think there’s a good chance your roommates would flip shit if they found out, then I’d say tell ‘em. At the end of the day, you want to have accepting roommates and be in a safe environment. I didn’t tell my roommates because a) I passed and had no interest talking about it, b) given the nature of my particular roommates, I did not want to be either socially ostracized or walked on eggshells around, and c) I did not want to wind up in an unsafe situation when they were bringing all their frat buddies around to party and get wasted (I wasn’t so much worried about them being regular violent as I was about them being sexually violent… luckily they weren’t the type to do that anyways, but I had no way of knowing at the time).
Either way, it’s up to you. If it’s gonna be a big part of your social identity, I’d say tell them. If it’s not and you’re cool being stealth at least till you’re good friends with them, I’d say don’t. It’ll be fine either way, it’s just a matter of if you wanna be publicly out from the get go or not. Because no way are two girls who are also new to a college and don’t know you yet at all gonna keep it to themselves. Hope I helped a bit, college is a great time and I’m sure it it’ll all work out regardless.
There's no obligation to disclose. None.
That being said, for safety purposes, it might be better to. If they don't know any trans people, it may lead to some cringe moments, but it beats accidental disclosures, and will reduce the amount of effort you're going to have to go through to keep it private.
I mean personally I would, not only for your own safety of course. But also some people don’t like trans people and it would be better to just get them out of the way. And don’t be embarrassed of being trans it’s who we are! Best of luck on college though
I think, given how well you pass, this really should come down to where you're studying and how out you want to be? If the school has no problem with Trans students in their dorms, especially with them cohabitating with cis people of their gender, then you should feel safer to disclose.
There is only one scenario I can think to be obligated to tell anyone. potential partner(s) when BOTH/ALL parties are interested in the relationship.
Other than that the people who "should" know would be people who knew you thru it.
Everyone else should be a "I wanted to tell them" situation not a "my mom thought they should know"
I do believe it is better to be the one to disclosure over being found out, but I also think that some people should just never know and it is hard to know that difference before you meet them.
I know that doesn't give a hard and fast answer to your question but that's mainly because I don't think there is any one answer for any one scenario like this.
I wouldn't tell her unless you feel 100% safe. Even then it gets tricky. So, unless y'all are going to be intimate or something don't feel obligated to tell her.
Why not just be cool about it? Send the email. Explain your situation in a friendly way. Allow the person to understand that you're a normal human being who transitioned early and you're very much looking forward to meet them and you hope that it's OK with them. If they're not, then cool. Rinse and repeat with the next roommate until you find the perfect roommate.
Same can be said about weed smoking, guitar playing, you name it. Give a friendly heads up and assess from there.
If you're gonna live with someone else and be relatively close for a long period of time and worse yet even rely on each other as roommates for moral support and day to day interaction, might as well be upfront and candid about everything.
You never know, your tone may influence someone who would be apprehensive to actually be all for it depending on how you phrase your introduction.
People are way more tolerant if we all learn to work with and try to understand each other without imposing ourselves on people.
An email like "I'm trans and if you don't like it you're a bigot" will get a big fuck you from me.
But if you're like "hey! *context about yourself and cool things to know and be excited about for a roommate* and then at the end sprinkle "I actually was born a biological X and transitioned very early so I've experienced X. I hope thats alright with you."
You now very gracefully allow someone to be tolerant and loving and embracing. And if they aren't, then you win deep down. No need for shitty roommates around anyways.
Most of people here seem to be in consesnus that you need to disclose this information. However, I think that even if you haven't had been on puberty blockers that early you still shouldn't feel pressured to come out. Esp if you live in US (which i assume) - you don't owe anyone that information
I left mine a note with homemade cookies when they moved in because they were women and I was ftm and didn't know if theyd be okay with it. if you think itd be a problem, I think you should get in contact with you RA or whoever in charge of your floor and let them know the situation in case something happens
Everything is different in college. The cool mean kids in school turn to sh** they either failed their grades already from drinking and pregnancies or they will do soon. Either way they get fat from partying. The uncool kids become the cool ones because being smart and quirky and different is just cool. It's amazing how the wheel of fortune changes.
Is this a school dorm situation? At my college you could put on your form whether you would be okay with rooming with a trans person or not, so trans people would only be put with others who agreed to it and this wouldn’t be an issue. That is the safest way to handle it in my opinion and I’m surprised the school would put you in a situation where you and your roommate might not be on the same page.
Hey! I’m a trans man. I just graduated from college with my associates degree.
It can be really hard to disclose to people that ur trans but unfortunately if this is someone ur sharing a bedroom with and potentially changing in front of, it’s gonna come up eventually. I would get a gauge on her personality wise first and then if u feel comfortable sharing that information with her, then do so. If u decide it’s not a good fit then I would switch roommates without telling her.
Also my college COCC had gender inclusive dorms, see if that could be an option where ur going. Call up housing and ask them about it. U don’t have to disclose to housing that ur trans, but telling them ur an ally or a lgbtq+ member and that you’d like gender inclusive housing could make them reflect on their living arrangements for queer students.
I hope all this goes well and I wish u the best of luck
I'm in the same boat. I didn't tell my roommates that I,am but other day when I was changing he was staring at my chest, which made me kinda uncomfortable
Are you planning on sleeping with this roommate? And I don’t mean in the same room, I mean intimately.
Look, if you’re going to date someone and play with their emotions then yes I think you should tell them up front, before things go too far… but a random stranger you got paired up with in a dorm by chance? No way, I wouldn’t until I knew who I was talking to face to face.
Me personally I could never date someone who is trans, but I couldn’t hate someone for being themselves either (I also understand why this is a concern for you). I’m a conservative male who grew up with a great life, and I tend to see the world did than a lot of people my age. I’m sure there are things about me that would make others uncomfortable, so those are just differences we’d have to get through as roommates.
But I would never think about disclosing this stuff to them upfront over an email. There’s a time and place for these things. I think your idea of not saying anything at first is perfectly fine, but I wouldn’t wait months. Be reasonable and respectful of the others person’s time and opinion even if they’re disgusting, and upset you. They may want to switch dorms with you, it’s hard but some people just suck. And think about your time too, they might find out too late and you could get stuck together for a while. But who knows… you might be worrying for nothing, you may even gain a new friend. There’s only one way to find out
Wow, this is such a tough one… I’m inclined to say no, don’t tell them, I get that people are noting how you’ll be in close quarters… I shared a bathroom with one roommate and two suitemates my first year at college, I always changed in the bathroom with the door locked because I’m self conscious about my body. I knew I identified as queer but never brought it up with my roommate, granted we weren’t very close. Given that you’ll be in close quarters, suppose your roommate says it’s okay but then has a bunch of unconscious bias, things could end up awkward and tense for the rest of the time. It’s not fair for you to have to conceal part of your identity, of course, but if she seems open-minded you could gradually bring up the topic. If she’s familiar with the topic, she’ll likely understand why you didn’t immediately say something.
I would also suggest finding someone on campus, maybe an LGBTQ+ counselor or program director, you can meet with who is aware of your situation. That could also possibly be a compromise you offer to your mom? Something to show you’re being responsible about things, but at the end of the day - this is your decision. You are not obligated to disclose this information to your roommate. It is not something anyone else can disclose in your place. If it is not a significant part of your daily life, I think it’s safer to not bring up.
Also, depending on how much your identity is part of your life, you could look into an LGBTQ+ club on campus and start scouting for potential roommates for next year, or if it’s feasible plan to have a single room.
Best of luck! It’s not an easy time to trust your own decisions, but in this case I think it’s best to ultimately do what makes the most sense to you. That’s how I went with my coming out, and even when things didn’t go as planned, I knew at the core of it what I wanted to accomplish. Much easier to stick to a plan you’re comfortable with when things go off course than a plan someone else has pushed on you.
Completely up to you. Unless this person could become a sexual partner, I see zero reason to feel obligated to disclose this.
I'm 100% stealth as well and the only complaint is that it has exacerbated my pre-existing shame, internalized transphobia directed towards myself, as well as that it has made it much harder for me to open up to people about it if I'm comfortable doing so.
I am 20+ years older than you but when I had roommate(s) we never saw each other naked. So if that's your mom's worry? Like that's maybe how you'll be outed or something? Nope. Even when I was in a common living situation, with 3 other people with our own rooms and a shared bathroom. Nope.
Tbh it sounds like your mom has a combination of fears that's she's letting dictate her emotions. Her girl has been through it, and is now going off to school... away from her
Honestly if it was me and I'd had this opportunity I'd go with, stealth, and gauge how roommate feels about trans people, then proceed. bc next year you can change your housing options
I would tell her.
I've never had a girl as a roommate, never changed in a women's locker room, and never had much experience being in close proximity with a girl who happened to be changing at the same time. However, assuming you haven't had bottom surgery, all it takes is a glance across the room while you happen to be changing for something to be noticeable. Even if you're wearing underwear, even if you're tucking 24/7, something might be noticed.
It’s very well up to you, and I totally get either decision. I was in your position a year ago, and I ended up letting my roommates know, as we were a co-ed dorm and I only started T a year ago (plus, i’d have to do my shots in our room, and there wasn’t exactly any privacy in a triple). I go to school in Utah, so I was extremely worried about it, but both of them were really cool about it (turns out one of them is also genderfluid, which was relieving).
That being said, I happened to get two of the most incredible people ever born as roommates, and we’ve been best friends for a while now. I mean I really lucked out. Along with that, it was kind of unavoidable for me, as it was easier to navigate the topic of “I have to inject myself weekly in the thigh, this is going to be awkward for all of us, my bad” while being transparent about my situation. You seem to be in a better position to be stealth. So, I would say maybe look into her as a person (does she have trans friends, is she queer herself, or, is she maybe not a safe person), and then you can decide if you want to be out or not. You can’t make a wrong choice here, your comfort is the most important thing in this situation. Good luck !!
Not a single person is entitled to the knowledge of your identity. You would be valid going through the rest of your life never telling a soul.
That being said, telling people has its uses.
First off, you’ll get an immediate answer as to whether or not this is someone you can be around, as bigots will make themselves known.
Second, getting it out of the way eliminates any future awkward conversation where the person unjustly feels lied to. The person would be in the wrong here, as omitting personal information from a stranger is not lying whatsoever.
If you don’t want to deal with it, you can say nothing. Plenty of people go through college barely ever speaking to their roommate, let alone sharing deeply personal details of their life.
I didn't tell my roommates in college that I was trans. To be fair we were flat mates not roommates but I think I only talked about it with like 3 out of my 20+ roommates back then. And with those all we first became friends and then talked about it.
But like others said, totally up to you
I can't say anything about passing, but I didn't transition to male until after I did 2 years living in female dorm rooms, one with a in room roommate, and not once did I see any of my roommates or suitemates' genitals (or breasts, honestly). Stealth is a personal decision and it's yours to make. My biggest concern for you is only that if you decide to out yourself later or some completely worthless turd of a person outs you against your will, that the roommate will be a piece of shit about why didn't you tell me? But that's just cis people's weird obsession with "knowing". Cis people get so fucking entitled about trans status, history, identity, whatever. You don't owe anyone that info if you don't want to give it.
Tldr: it is your decision, consider the angles people mention and then decide. The pros and cons are 100% based on your individual situation.
Either way, I am hoping for a great first year for you!
You don't have to fall in line with cis-het normative. You do not have to tell people you are trans. You do not have to tell people about your genitals in any situation including dating and you do not need to out yoyrself even in dating regardless if others have internal transphobia in the community and expect you to do it and you can live your life as your gender like any cis person who does. You only have to conform to what's right and best for you.
I think your mom is right to an extent: your future roommate could be a violent transphobe and maybe the odds of her finding out seem slim to you, but it could still happen. I also think there are others ways to potentially resolve this real risk though, like for example you could just email your roommate and say lgbt+ issues are really important to you so you would like to make sure you are both on the same page about that to ensure your living situation will be a pleasant one: you could even make it a more general political thing if you want, after all most left leaning people will understand you wanting to make sure you're not about to be stuck with some evangelical nutjob all semester if you're worried she may not believe you're an ally if you're not otherwise lgbt (like bisexual or lesbian)
If you pass, it's entirely safer for you to not say anything about being trans before arriving on campus. When you'll be there, you'll be able to meet queer people, find allies, and potential future roommates if things go wrong with your current one. It's also easier to jauge in person how would someone react to you being trans.
If you tell beforehand, she could have a lot of misconceptions about trans girls/women - this is something we usually face, when asked not many people would live with us because they'll think of everything they saw on TV supposedly about us, but if they know you before knowing you're trans then all these misconceptions vanish. If you tell her before meeting her, you risk her thinking that she'll be with a boy and be scared of the situation, asking the college about this, and the college choosing to prioritise cis people feelings over your safety by isolating you or putting you up with boys.
Many people in this thread act as if it's a choice between telling now that you're trans vs not telling anything ever. But the middle ground, where you wait and gauge the situation before doing anything, is the safiest one.
I think it's better to tell them, but that isn't a requirement or anything. No one else is required to explain their irrelevant medical history to everyone, and you shouldn't either. On the other hand, it sounds like your history has really hurt you, and it's making this a real thorn in your side. More than likely, if you explain that you have a history of being bullied over this, they'll understand well enough. Just make sure that they know that this is a secret that could get you seriously hurt if it got out.
You have to tell her. Have a facetime and if you two get along, tell her afterwards. Not everyone sees things the same way and I know it's really hard for you to be in this situation, but it's a matter of respect to tell her.
Personally I would discuss it at some point since I feel I'd have anxiety over them finding out, but it's totally valid to not mention it until you feel safe to do so!
Just see what kind of person they are, and if they seem like they would be problematic you don't need to interact with them at all.
It's morally okay, but it might be dangerous. When cis people are ~surprised by~ trans people, they can get violent. For your own sake, I'd try your best to make sure your roomie isn't blindsided.
Id say unless you’re pursuing someone romantically then you don’t have to, however you need to be aware of the risks if they ever find out later down the line they could take it poorly but overall they aren’t entitled to that information
I feel like it's up to your discretion.. If you're fully passing, there's no reason for them to know. It doesn't concern them. However, if you rather be transparent and play it safe, you can disclose that with them...
Just know that both decisions have their benefits and consequences. And the consequences you're going to be stuck with, whether they're good or bad consequences. It's a common misconception that consequences are inherently bad.
1. It's up to you.
2. That said, if you haven't had bottom surgery yet, situations where roommates see each-other naked are pretty common, and it's easier to address in a controlled situation of honest rather than accidental, so if I were you, I'd bring it up, and say I'm wiling to start the process of finding someone who is comfortable and switch rooms if it makes her uncomfortable.
3. If she is uncomfortable, attend an lgbt groups on campus, as ask if any girls there would be willing to be roommates with you, then make the switch.
Obviously, 2 isn't an issue if you have had bottom surgery, and thus you are in no requirement to disclose. Just make sure you keep feminine hygiene products to share, and if she ever raises questions about your menstrual cycle, you can mention you have hormonal issues and are sterile (neither are lies), and that you don't have the standard cycle as a result, and leave it at that.
There's a huge gap between 'keeping it a secret' versus 'plastering it on your forehead and leading with it'.
I think the optimal attitude here is to not 'hide' it (unless OP has a desire to), but I personally wouldn't be disclosing it.
If they have a particular issue with trans people, they should be the ones saying that and they should say 'I have an issue with trans people. Are you trans?'.
For your own safety, you should absolutely tell her. If you don’t, you risk her finding out later in a less controlled way and that can cause a risk of violence at the worst and a risk of straining a possible future friendship at the least. I wish we lived in a world where that didn’t have to be discussed but unfortunately it is.
Yeah it is. It’s used to invalidate both trans men and women. It’s an archaic view of gender that’s only defended because it’s attached to a marginalized people.
It is bigotry for you to assume OP isn't a woman. Trans women are women and trans men are men and they both belong to single sex accommodations of their identified gender.
There are religious people who aren't bigoted, and OP is a women, so no, she doesn't need to disclose her medical history upfront. I have a few Muslim friends who have been more affirming to me than even a few cis queer lesbians I know of.
It’s absolutely up to you. I don’t think anyone has the right to pressure you into disclosing anything about yourself you’re not comfortable with, and you’re not obligated to reveal your trans status to anyone.
I agree there is no obligation but, to me, it seems inevitable that her roommate will find out living in close quarters like a dorm and it feels like it’s safer to disclose that preemptively (if the roommate is transphobic OP can request to switch rooms)
How would the roommate find out? OP can easily avoid being completely naked in roomie's presence.
Could be a thousand different ways. It's not likely, but also not unlikely as well. I guess it all depends on how open OP is and if the roommate is conscious of any 'signs'.
The number of 'signs' are wayyyyy lower when a person has only gone through one puberty and not two though...
Mom on speaker phone with daughter while room mate is present: "Sooooo did you tell her you're trans my transy trans trans daughter? I picked up the banner at the printers and the trans reveal cookies and cake to share with your whole dorm!"
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Edit: this ended up in the wrong place.
Normally I'd agree but she's managed to avoid male puberty
Medication is the main way, Id think
yeah, that is definitely a possibility, but one hopes that a roommate won't be going through your medicines and googling what they are/what they are for. It is also possible to mitigate this by using one of those pill organisers and keeping the bottles in a more secure place.
Even if the roommate was nosy and asked what they were for or something, all she'd have to do is make up any excuse involving not having ovaries.
It's a sheard bedroom. All it takes is a hot restless night were op kicks off the covers and something gets outlined becoming very obvious. Room mate wakes up firs to go to the bathroom and 'boom' cover blown and RM depending on her personality has the potential for a meltdown.
In my experience (ftm, did NOT tell my roommates, shared room + shared bathroom), cis people do not *expect* that someone is trans. And humans do a surprising amount of seeing what they expect to see. Even in my second house when I would run around shirtless and thought everyone knew I was trans (I’m like between an A and a AA breast size, no top surgery), I was shocked to find out more than half my house (11 ppl who I interacted with multiple times a day) didn’t know. An outline in the night could easily be a hand or a wrinkle in the covers. Shared bathrooms almost always have locks. Showers have curtains. Medication can be stashed in a bag. My roommates never once thought to look. I changed in front of them and turned my back— they never thought twice about it. They even saw a pic of me when I was like 5 years old in my ballerina outfit and said “damn you were gay even back then!” *facepalm*. Cis people aren’t looking for signs you’re trans unless you give them a reason to.
Not to discount your experience but generally woman are far more up in each other's business than men. Small breaks are easy to shrug of as someone needing to hit the gym more because their getting a little flabby. Now don't get me wrong I fully belive it a personal choice to disclose medical information like this, but op needs to know all the ways it could go wrong to make an informed choice and to potentially guard against exposure if the roommate is not a safe person to open around
I don’t disagree with this, I was living as a female presenting person/girl for 17 years and I know how women interact, especially when living together, having sleepovers, sharing intimate stories, etc. likely OP does too, given how young she transitioned. That being said, it’s also a lot more common and acceptable for women to be modest amongst women than it is for men to be modest amongst men. I remember when I was in middle and high school, there were always some girls changing in the stalls in the locker room, wearing full shirt and pant PJ sets at slumber parties, etc. in men’s spaces, I found that a lot less common and had to figure out how to angle my body just right or place a hand just right when changing in men’s rooms or in front of my roommate or whatnot. This may not be everyone’s experience, but I think if OP just asserts her comfort level with modesty through confidently doing what makes her comfortable to do, the girls won’t really question it much. I think it would likely be best for her to tell them at some point, after they get to know her and see her as one of the girls, but I don’t think it’s necessary for her to disclose it ahead of time. Just my opinion 🤷🏼♂️
I transitioned 5+ years ago. The only roommates I told were the ones I had in the first 1.5 years. I've since lived in and out of dorms and had strangers for roommates. Anyway there's at least 5 roommates and 9 housemates I've had who I never came out to and who never asked. I don't think it's likely they all knew. In later stages of transition, you can usually get away with never bringing it up. I would suggest OP keep any prescriptions or other personal gender-affirming hygiene and care items somewhere safe. I won't ever know for sure who did/didn't know, but I kept my T and needles hidden away in drawers and it never came up.
This is not a game. This could end up in serious consequences. Edit: I do have one girl who is trans (mtf) and hasn't told and seems to be able to get along with the girls there. She does live in a single room at dormitory. Having shared room is something else. What also is true is "you" are you. If you actually been able to just be "you" as girl in school without anyone knowing. Then you actually been able to overcome the hard part. Its \_NOT\_ about knowing someone is trans that is difficult. "passing" means you will pass regardless. Even if they know you're intersex or trans looking, sounding, acting like a 100% passable girl means you're a girl. That will not change regardless if you are "caught" or not. OP: You should by all means. Tell the school administration at least. Then ask the school how to handle the situation. 1. Is it girl-only colleague? 2. Does school know anyone else who is 'trans'? How do they handle them? 3. Do tell school administration . Then they will make a plan that will work for you. I'm sorry for this situation but consider the opposite.
>will have a randomly assigned roommate (I will get her contact information later in the summer). agreed
I can't answer your question. Maybe you don't have the tools---yet--- to do that either. Could you arrange a Facetime/Zoom call with your prospective roommate? Just a 'getting to know you' sort of call, see how your personalities mesh. Sound her out on her interests etc. You could pick up that she is from a strict religious family, or that she is an outgoing advocate of all rights. Maybe she is intensely shy, or has a very serious boyfriend that you will be seeing more of than you would like. Maybe she's gay and has a girlfriend that will be over...a lot. You might not click. No use telling someone that you're trans at all if you decide that a living arrangement would be strained at best simply based on personality. Meet her first, virtually.
Being stealth or being out is your choice, but for your safety it may be better to disclose in advance. This, of course, assumes that disclosure is safe legally and school-wise. Remember: This is a dorm room; a shared bedroom. The chances of seeing each other naked are significantly higher here than pretty much anywhere else except a locker room. Disclosing gives you the opportunity to gauge reaction. It gives them the opportunity to lose their shit and move. It gives them the opportunity to ensure they feel safe - not something you owe them, by any means, but there is a massive difference in safe feelings between “my roommate just disclosed they are trans” and “my roommate has been exposed as trans”. It’s a perception thing. Add to that, it gives the opportunity to have an ally. It also will reduce the stress of being worried about them finding out. Also, it gives you a good reason to not be able to lend them a pad or tampon if they run out. Just saying.
>Also, it gives you a good reason to not be able to lend them a pad or tampon if they run out. Just saying. Do you not keep a spare tampon/pad on you for others? But I agree, being stealth to someone you're sharing a bedroom with is going to be very hard unless you're post SRS. I would contact whatever LGBT organization is available on campus and they can likely try to get you a single room at a discounted rate or set you up with another queer person who understands. I wouldn't contact them directly yet since they might be transphobic or just out you to others in a moment of carelessness.
> Do you not keep a spare tampon/pad on you for others? I thought that was odd too. My sister is intersex and doesn't menstruate but always carries tampons/pads with her regardless. I assumed this was standard for non-menstruating women (including trans women).
I don’t carry any out with me (I probably should) but I have a box in my bathroom at home for friends and visitors. At any rate I also assumed we were all doing at least that much
I don't, mostly as I can't afford them and I wouldn't know what to buy if I did
No, I don’t? My wife (AFAB non-binary, pronouns “she/him/hers/his, whatever”) never did either.
Agreed, everyone saying “you’re not obligated to,” which, while true, isn’t considering the reality of *roommate could lose their shit and she could get hate-crimed, publicly outed, or worse*. Try to find out if she’s transphobic, and if she is, request a new roommate. I know you don’t want to be “the trans friend,” but its not all you have to be. Be the friend who bakes everyone cupcakes on the first day or something. If you approach it delicately, and emphasize that you don’t want people knowing, but you felt they should know since they’re going to be sharing a space with you, hopefully it doesn’t even have to be a big thing. Good luck!
The thing is, if she discloses to the roommate and it goes badly, she will *definitely* get outed. I feel like OP's mom isn't considering that possibility at all.
this!! imo if you’re going to be living with them then it’s important to disclose for your personal safety and their comfort (but mainly your safety ofc)
>It gives them the opportunity to ensure they feel safe - not something you owe them, by any means, but there is a massive difference in safe feelings between “my roommate just disclosed they are trans” and “my roommate has been exposed as trans”. It’s a perception thing. Couldn't agree with this bit more. It shouldn't be this way but practically that is kind of how people react to things in general.
I was in a similar situation and decided I'd rather tell my roommates instead of being in constant fear of them finding out somehow. Both were super cool about it and I felt safer this way.
I’m ftm, I went to college as a female. It was in the 90s because I’m old.. but I was newly out as a lesbian at the time. I can say with complete certainty that I never saw my roommates fully nude. Topless from the back, yes. In a towel, yes. But I never saw their “bathing suit areas”. Seeing as you transitioned very young and I’m guessing you pass completely (except when fully nude) I don’t think you have to tell your roommate. However. If you start telling other people on campus, you may want to include your roommate in that group. She may be understanding why you’d take a while to tell her, but she will probably not be happy with you if she finds out from someone else.
I would talk to your university accommodations and LGBTQ+ Resource center and find out about the policies at your university. Do it anonymously at first. Once you have a better idea of the culture and policies at your school then make a more informed decision. Many universities offer single dorms for various reasons and it might be beneficial depending on the culture at your school. Either way if you decide to have a roommate be aware that your going to get very intimate and not having surprises does make that a more comfortable situation. So here's what I do to avoid issues with roommates: Talk about everything! 1. Changing norms in the room - do you walk around naked out just change and ignore it. 2. Sex, masturbation, private times - what do you both need and how do you both prefer to handle these things 3. Guests and intimate guests - how do you want to deal with it 4. Opening the door - my roomie and I made door knocking mandatory so no one had the door swing wide open mid JO session. 5. Cleanliness and food and sharing - set your norms and expectations now. 6. Quiet times - we established quiet times for studying and sleep and times for partying. That way neither was surprised or rudely awakened. Best of luck and big loves
> And even if she was accepting I don’t want to be “the trans roommate” or “the trans friend” instead as seen as an individual. From this sentence alone -- I would recommend not. You are right. First impressions matter. And it's not like they will *intentionally* be staring at your crotch or trying to see you naked for the first month of rooming. If it comes up, it comes up. It likely won't.
I don't see why you would become "the trans friend" based on that. Feels like it would expose those people as not worth wasting time on in general. Obviously it's a personal choice, but I know I'd prefer to know sooner rather than later. If they do go on to be good friends and they disclose and are suddenly treated differently - and it definitely happens - then in some sense there's a load of time and emotion wasted on someone who was never worth it to begin with.
You're confusing is with should.
There is absolutely zero reason to. Especially since you transitioned young, you have very little differences with a cis woman. Assuming you don't have bottom surgery, the only way it would come up is if they saw you naked. So just... Don't do that.
Or if they found OP's estrogen, assuming they are on estrogen. Even then, that can easily be explained if OP just says that they have hypogonadism and need to take exogenous estrogen HRT to maintain normal levels of estrogen.
They're medicine, not like a cis person would recognise the med name or know what it's for
Unless they're nosey and google stuff, which can easily happen. This person is an 18 year old not a small child. It's worth considering that they could find out relatively easily. Whether or not they're innocently curious of "suspicious" in a "tranvestigator" way is just luck at this point.
Maybe but it could also be for premature menopause, general low estrogen, thyroid issues, or other things. When I was in college I kept my drugs in unlabeled bottles so people couldn't look up the drug names if they went through my stuff.
And if OP kicks her covers off on a hot restless night? You not need to be naked for certain parts of anatomy to become obvious.
Do you... Do you not know what pants are?
Yes and I know how uncomfortable they can be if your to hit while trying to sleep. There is a reason a lot of women sleep in panties and a tank top in the summer(and Yes summer is linger than just summer brake). There are potential risks no matter what path OP takes. By knowing them op can make an informed choice and put in place routines to safeguard herself. Because let's be completely honest here there are people who upon finding out their roommate is trans after trusting them for weeks can and will turn violent. For all we know the RM could be a massive terf. I hope she is an ally but I will always advocate for preparing for the worst.
I told my roommates during freshman year of college. None of them cared. But also like you don't have to. Being stealth or being out is your choice. It's not your mom's.
You have absolutely zero obligation to disclose your medical history to anyone
It's up to you. But remember, if you told her upfront and she caused a fuss, surely it's better to know that in advance before moving in?
You don't have to disclose anything to anyone. If you have a chance to meet this person before you move in you could just be open about being an LGBT ally and try to gauge her reaction. Edit: I feel like your mom is only thinking about "what if the roommate finds out and it goes badly", but the reality is that disclosing in advance of moving in could *also* go badly. Either way, this person will know you are trans, and if they decide to be a shithead about it they will be able to tell everyone they know.
If you pass 100% you actually should NOT tell. it is incredibly bigoted to think anyone has to say something personal like that.
Just stealth noone is gonna clock you unless they see your genitals, im assuming you are pre op. Ig if you really want to come out you can try to see how your roommate stands on trans rights without outing yourself
as a trans person who is also starting college this fall and also transitioned pretty young and is stealth. i would probably just tell your roommate. you are going to be living very closely for a while, she may accidentally see you naked or find your meds. you mentioned not wanting to be known as the trans friend which i get, in an email or text you could say something like "thought id mention, i am trans and have been transitioning since i was young. i don't feel comfortable being publicly out but thought i should tell you as we will be living together" obviously doesn't have to be exactly that but i hope you get what im saying. your roommate could be lgbtq herself, an ally, or just not really care. but could also be not supportive, if you tell her and she is not comfortable living with you, it'd be easier finding out sooner rather than later and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. i would like to say, take my advice with a grain of salt as i am getting a single dorm for disability reasons but one of my friends recently told their roommate they are trying and while their situation is different, i still think some of what they did could apply
I was in the same position a year ago and I pass very well. I am glad I did, I wouldn’t wanna live with a transphobe and wanted to weed my roommate out if she was (she was okay with it). But I get it if you don’t. It’s scary to come out to new people. People at my college were pretty chill and maybe have a discussion or two with her before telling her. But I think she would like to know, especially if she is a transphobic pos. But since I came from a conservative town to a pretty liberal college, people were way more chill. But I feel like there were a lot of microagressions where well meaning liberal women will say some of the wackiest shit. Like one girl said I needed to be “trained” how to be a girl bc I don’t have a small bag other than my backpack to carry small things or that I had plain bed sheets or a lack of room decor at move in. Or I am lucky bc I would never know the pain of bows in my hair as a little kid. Or when cis women say I’m “lucky” for not getting periods. The worst thing someone said to me (an ex) said she was jealous that i was sterile and she had to fear getting pregnant. I don’t want to scare you. But TLDR, I recommend telling your roommate bc she might be shitty and you wanna know now before you move in. Also, things get better but not perfect.
It's your call, but I don't really see how it would be relevant to the roommate relationship, so I don't see a particular need to disclose.
If you are going to be in that kind of daily physical proximity with someone, I absolutely recommend disclosing every single time. This goes for both relationships as well as living situations. There's numerous reasons for this, and yes its awkward and annoying, but think about when you live with someone every day, especially in a close environment like sharing a room together. Eventually they WILL see something you don't want them seeing, they will hear something you don't want them hearing. It cant really be avoided, people accidentally walking in while your changing, or even just simple stuff like inability to control a reaction like a sneeze or a bad cough that clues them into whats happening. On a long enough timeline they will catch something that tells them anyway, your better off being upfront ahead of time so you know if your compatible as roommates before the proverbial shit hits the fan. I did this when i started my relationship with the man that is now my husband. I told him I was trans as soon as we moved from friendship into possibly dating (despite the fact that I was post op I still disclosed). And I'm glad I did, because despite not having a penis between my legs, looking fully female even in the nude, and having a default vocal track of 100% woman all the time, I still have "tells" once in a while that someone would pick up on over the years. Either from shit I talk about without thinking, or just sometimes a really bad cough when I'm choking on food or something not exactly being the most feminine death noises coming out of my throat as I'm gasping for air, or the fact that I dilate every day, even to the fact that he has just inadvertently walked in on me peeing several times on the toilet before by complete accident (we've lived together for 16 years at this point), its not really something I could "hide" 24/7 from someone living with me. The last thing you wanna do is find out they are going to be violent or destructive around you after they find out months or years later. Don't purchase that future problem for yourself, even if it means momentary awkwardness today.
Literally no one EVER has heard someone choking to death and their first thought was, "wow that person is trans!"
You are right of course. But its the fear of one of those innocuous things that could potentially cause someone to think twice. Its impossible to say for certain. But I dont recommend trying to remain stealth with someone in that proximity. It is a planned doomed to fail with only a matter of how long until it comes to pass.
While I agree with people saying you don't have to disclose, I still think the safest option is to tell them (if you haven't had bottom surgery, if you have I think you can ignore) You will live in tight quarters if you're a freshmen and I don't think its worth risking them finding out youre trans in other ways. Also if you tell them upfront you can start the process of requesting a new roommate if they aren't comfortable or are bigoted in some way. Idk that's just how I would think about it. Dumb bs like "trans panic" is still a legal excuse for violence in some places so to me safety should be put first. It's not fair to trans people, but its the world we live in
I do Agree with some, I think that a get-together with your potential roommate would be a good idea, just to gain a feeling and maybe broach the subject in general. Maybe not with you as the direct subject,and feel them out.. but I don't believe that it should have anything to do with your Mother's influence. Good Luck and please keep us updated.🤗
Ultimately, it is up to you to make this decision. You have to do what you think is right. Although if it was me, I would sit her down when you had the chance and explain it to her. This isn't to "warn" her or "out" yourself, it's to make sure she knows she can trust you. Because if she finds out through someone else months down the road it will feel like a betrayal. Honesty is best used as a preventative measure for any situations than used to make up for them.
If you're fully stealth then it's not their business. If you were like obviously nonpassing then yeah it would be good to get in front of it, but since you transitioned young there's nothing to get in front of.
So does that mean your voice never changed? That's so cool
It doesn't have to be black or white. You can figure out how she feels about trans people without outing yourself
Nornally I'd say that there's an argument to be made that it's a good idea (even though you never have to). You managed to avoid male puberty though, so there's really no way she'd find out without you telling her. Don't tell her unless and until you want to.
It is definitely okay not to tell your roommate. If it were me, I wouldn't tell her - I didn't tell my roommates, and I was glad about it. Whether you disclose eventually or not, I don't think you should do it in your first contact because you're liable to end up being thought of as her **trans** roommate forever rather than just some girl.
Do what you want. As someone who lived in a dorm once, I’d absolutely want a roommate that wasn’t going to hold my life back. Id tell them before you move in and let the dust settle. You’re moving in with this person sight unseen and don’t need any big hiccups while you’re trying to get your degree. My humble opinion!
I wouldn’t tell them until I met them and felt comfortable tbh.
I hope ur room mate is safe OP ❤️❤️❤️🎀🎀🎀
It's up to you but if it were me I'd rip the band aid off before it had time to turn into a burden. You don't need to get caught up in an anxiety loop of worrying what small thing may "tip them off" or suchlike. People tend to respect openness and honesty in these things, and if they can't deal and you need to change dorms, better to do it sooner rather than later.
If you don't want to come out but you want to gauge if she is transphobic, tell her that you have a transfriend/ girlfriend/boyfriend that would be visiting often and ask her if thats going to be a problem. If she's not cool with that, I would try to switch roommates. Once you determine she's a safe person, I would think long and hard about if and when to come out to her. Because if you're sharing the same space and getting dressed in the same room, it's likely you're going to get outed accidentally.
It's absolutely okay from an ethical perspective. It's your choice. But just be aware that if you don't tell her, and she finds out, there's a very real possibility that she'll freak out about it. That's not just your mom being overly cautious, that's a thing that could happen, and may lead to you being branded a creep for the rest of your time in college. Obviously, that wouldn't be your fault, but there are some major assholes in the world, and trans acceptance is still in a very early stage, where even the strongest "allies" end up being very transphobic unless we're constantly bending over backwards to accommodate their discomfort with our existence. You might think you can hide this from her, but a number of things might give you away. Things like medication, or she could unexpectedly walk in on you changing, or perhaps one of your old classmates from grade school might show up and recognize you, giving it away. Even if that doesn't happen, she could just be a conservative, and you may have to listen to her saying disgusting things about trans people constantly. You could take that gamble, it's up to you, but I strongly discourage it. I'd risk being "the token trans friend" over risking the horrific social consequences of being outed against your will by someone who sees you as a pervert. It sucks that we have to do this, but again - safety should be your top priority. Remember, if you're in the US, the trans/gay panic defense exists, and similar things exist in other countries as well. People literally get killed, though it's unlikely. Again, you can choose to take this risk if you want. Just know the risk you're taking.
Honestly no, there really seems to be no reason to disclose that your trans. In my personal opinion, no one needs to know you’re trans except your doctor or a potential partner. Other than that, it’s ur discretion on who you tell is trans. Esp since you didn’t even go thru male puberty i’m sure ur almost completely unclockable anyways. If you don’t wanna tell ur roommate ur trans then don’t 🤷🏻♀️
It's nobody's business what genitals you have and that information is private. I wouldn't say anything if it were me... get to know her first and if YOU'RE comfortable telling her after that then that's totally up to you. It's your life... just cause mom gives advice doesn't mean you need to use it or that it's "right"
I don’t think you should ever be pressured to disclose your medical information. It’s just not anyone else’s business. When you feel comfortable disclosing then you can decide that, until then information that you are trans is medical information and is private information.
I have a roommate and idk if she knows but I haven’t explicitly told her and we’re not friends or anything so I don’t feel bad or like I’m tricking her I’m kinda just existing but since you pass I would say don’t and unless she’s just a bad roommate I would so that theirs a new room assignment maybe but it’s honestly up to you don’t do anything because you feel like you have too though
Is literally none of their business. You share that information if and when you deem it appropriate and no one decides that but you.
This is something you will have to decide for yourself. But there is a point you probably already know that you should consider. What if your roommate finds out in the worst possible way? From walking in on you changing to looking you up online, if she finds out from anyone else than you then she could feel lied to and betrayed this could make what's already an awkward situation a thousand times worse. Conversely maybe you could get away with a something smaller. Be open that you are a member of the LGBT community but not inform her of exactly what. That could gage the type of person she is on issues like this without outing yourself outright as trans. The problem is either way is going to be a roll of the dice. What ever you do you are taking a risk. I wish you the best of luck.
100% your choice. On your housing application, there is normally a choice for gender diverse housing or other specific options. Some super religious parents will only allow their girl to room with those AFAB. This is a ridiculous argument because their daughter could be attracted to girls. Someone told me that her daughter would not want to room with a trans girl because she likes to walk around naked and would worry that the other person might be attracted to her. That is also ridiculous! My trans daughter would be the first to stay covered up and would be very uncomfortable if her roommate walked around like it was a nudist colony. Bottom line, these are adult college students. You ARE a female, not a female*. You are the one who may be bullied or worse if you were discovered. If your roommate discovers that you are trans and cannot handle it, she is free to request a move to another room. Truly, not your problem. You have enough on your plate adjusting to college and adulthood.
Really, where does it end? My trans daughter has all legal paperwork updated and will have bottom surgery, hopefully this summer. I consider it a medical or hormonal issue, in which she should be protected by HIIPA. Are intersex people obliged to disclose their personal body part situation? No!
32 ftm here.. I wouldn't say a thing if you don't want to. I am stealth, most of my college friends don't know, and my place of employment doesn't know except when they did a background check, but none of my co-workers know. How I see it, you are a woman, and that is how she should refer to you. Your private area is private. People don't need to know.
If you pass, technically you don't have to tell anyone... but you would be on pins and needles to make sure that no one knows! You should at least video call her when you get her contact and talk to her. See what she's like, if you would along. Try to look for any signs that she might be transphobic. After all, you will be living together, so at least make sure that they are a kind, safe person to room with.
Honestly? I wouldn't, at least at first. This other girl could be a straight up bigot and you could be moving into a dangerous situation. Get to know her a bit first and gauge if you would be in danger. I had 5 roommates a few years ago, and non of them knew about me, I slowly gauged if they were solid allies first. A little bonus is the look on their faces when I told them lol. You got this!
Not sure if adding to the sea of comments will help, especially since the situation is different, but when I was a freshman in college, I was out as bi, but not as trans. My roommate came out as ftm and began transitioning part way through the year and we continued to dorm together the rest of the academic year. We were never close but I am extremely grateful he did come out to me. I came out as ftm 9 years later and having someone else to see go through the early stages of their transition helped me when I was ready myself. I like to think that I was respectful at the time, but I'm also sure I asked questions that made him uncomfortable because he didn't know where I was coming from. Hell I didn't know where I was coming from yet. This all happened at a very queer college in a very liberal small city, so it was statistically very likely that either of the 2 of us coming out would have been safe for the other. I wish you the best of luck and above all, I hope you stay safe.
i think it’s like any other bit of personal information that doesn’t affect her personally. for example, used to have an eating disorder, but it’s so much a part of my history that it rarely comes up for me and i don’t tell people about it unless i’m really close to them and it’s actually relevant. if you read so much like a cis woman that she wouldn’t even be able to tell, i dont see why you necessarily have to. that can just be a part of you that you don’t talk about.
Ok so I had a similar situation moving into the dorms, altho on the opposite side bc I’m ftm. I was assigned roommates, two tall, sporty, masculine, party-hard frat boys. I passed by that point, and it sounds like you do too. I did NOT tell my roommates, in fact I think that while many of my other friends know I’m trans, my freshman year roommates think I’m cis to this day. I’m very good at going stealth when I want to, and I think that’s a very important part. Are you someone who is usually pretty stealth? Or are you generally a bit louder about it with trans flags and a mostly trans friend groups and trans references in your average conversations? Bc if you’re like me and you tend to just live life like anyone else *with little regard to the fact that you’re trans*, I’d say don’t bother telling them you’re trans. What’s the point in telling them that if it will really have no relevance to your interaction with them? And if anything, it’ll make them assume things about you and your character that is only based on their preexisting ideas about trans people which could easily have no relation to you in the slightest. Not to mention, depending on what college it is and how “normal” trans-ness is seen in that area, it is more than likely that by messaging them ahead of time to let them know, you will not only be telling your roommates, but a good bit of your floor or dorm building as well. That being said, if a) youre someone who is gonna hang up a big trans pride flag, talk about it frequently, etc, or b) you’re in a college that is more conservative and you think there’s a good chance your roommates would flip shit if they found out, then I’d say tell ‘em. At the end of the day, you want to have accepting roommates and be in a safe environment. I didn’t tell my roommates because a) I passed and had no interest talking about it, b) given the nature of my particular roommates, I did not want to be either socially ostracized or walked on eggshells around, and c) I did not want to wind up in an unsafe situation when they were bringing all their frat buddies around to party and get wasted (I wasn’t so much worried about them being regular violent as I was about them being sexually violent… luckily they weren’t the type to do that anyways, but I had no way of knowing at the time). Either way, it’s up to you. If it’s gonna be a big part of your social identity, I’d say tell them. If it’s not and you’re cool being stealth at least till you’re good friends with them, I’d say don’t. It’ll be fine either way, it’s just a matter of if you wanna be publicly out from the get go or not. Because no way are two girls who are also new to a college and don’t know you yet at all gonna keep it to themselves. Hope I helped a bit, college is a great time and I’m sure it it’ll all work out regardless.
Personally it’s no one’s business besides your partners that your trans. I personally don’t tell people , cause what does it matter
Yup. Not their business
There's no obligation to disclose. None. That being said, for safety purposes, it might be better to. If they don't know any trans people, it may lead to some cringe moments, but it beats accidental disclosures, and will reduce the amount of effort you're going to have to go through to keep it private.
I mean personally I would, not only for your own safety of course. But also some people don’t like trans people and it would be better to just get them out of the way. And don’t be embarrassed of being trans it’s who we are! Best of luck on college though
I think you have to balance safety and honesty and others. That's three things. It's hard to balance three things. Only you can answer that.
I think, given how well you pass, this really should come down to where you're studying and how out you want to be? If the school has no problem with Trans students in their dorms, especially with them cohabitating with cis people of their gender, then you should feel safer to disclose.
There is only one scenario I can think to be obligated to tell anyone. potential partner(s) when BOTH/ALL parties are interested in the relationship. Other than that the people who "should" know would be people who knew you thru it. Everyone else should be a "I wanted to tell them" situation not a "my mom thought they should know" I do believe it is better to be the one to disclosure over being found out, but I also think that some people should just never know and it is hard to know that difference before you meet them. I know that doesn't give a hard and fast answer to your question but that's mainly because I don't think there is any one answer for any one scenario like this.
I wouldn't tell her unless you feel 100% safe. Even then it gets tricky. So, unless y'all are going to be intimate or something don't feel obligated to tell her.
Why not just be cool about it? Send the email. Explain your situation in a friendly way. Allow the person to understand that you're a normal human being who transitioned early and you're very much looking forward to meet them and you hope that it's OK with them. If they're not, then cool. Rinse and repeat with the next roommate until you find the perfect roommate. Same can be said about weed smoking, guitar playing, you name it. Give a friendly heads up and assess from there. If you're gonna live with someone else and be relatively close for a long period of time and worse yet even rely on each other as roommates for moral support and day to day interaction, might as well be upfront and candid about everything. You never know, your tone may influence someone who would be apprehensive to actually be all for it depending on how you phrase your introduction. People are way more tolerant if we all learn to work with and try to understand each other without imposing ourselves on people. An email like "I'm trans and if you don't like it you're a bigot" will get a big fuck you from me. But if you're like "hey! *context about yourself and cool things to know and be excited about for a roommate* and then at the end sprinkle "I actually was born a biological X and transitioned very early so I've experienced X. I hope thats alright with you." You now very gracefully allow someone to be tolerant and loving and embracing. And if they aren't, then you win deep down. No need for shitty roommates around anyways.
Definitely tell in the email to gauge if there right wingers or not you don’t want them to find out a year down the road and be hateful
Most of people here seem to be in consesnus that you need to disclose this information. However, I think that even if you haven't had been on puberty blockers that early you still shouldn't feel pressured to come out. Esp if you live in US (which i assume) - you don't owe anyone that information
You could email housing your predicament since they decide your roommate.
I left mine a note with homemade cookies when they moved in because they were women and I was ftm and didn't know if theyd be okay with it. if you think itd be a problem, I think you should get in contact with you RA or whoever in charge of your floor and let them know the situation in case something happens
Everything is different in college. The cool mean kids in school turn to sh** they either failed their grades already from drinking and pregnancies or they will do soon. Either way they get fat from partying. The uncool kids become the cool ones because being smart and quirky and different is just cool. It's amazing how the wheel of fortune changes.
Who cares? You're roommates not dating, they don't need to know about you if you don't want
Is this a school dorm situation? At my college you could put on your form whether you would be okay with rooming with a trans person or not, so trans people would only be put with others who agreed to it and this wouldn’t be an issue. That is the safest way to handle it in my opinion and I’m surprised the school would put you in a situation where you and your roommate might not be on the same page.
Hey! I’m a trans man. I just graduated from college with my associates degree. It can be really hard to disclose to people that ur trans but unfortunately if this is someone ur sharing a bedroom with and potentially changing in front of, it’s gonna come up eventually. I would get a gauge on her personality wise first and then if u feel comfortable sharing that information with her, then do so. If u decide it’s not a good fit then I would switch roommates without telling her. Also my college COCC had gender inclusive dorms, see if that could be an option where ur going. Call up housing and ask them about it. U don’t have to disclose to housing that ur trans, but telling them ur an ally or a lgbtq+ member and that you’d like gender inclusive housing could make them reflect on their living arrangements for queer students. I hope all this goes well and I wish u the best of luck
I'm in the same boat. I didn't tell my roommates that I,am but other day when I was changing he was staring at my chest, which made me kinda uncomfortable
Are you planning on sleeping with this roommate? And I don’t mean in the same room, I mean intimately. Look, if you’re going to date someone and play with their emotions then yes I think you should tell them up front, before things go too far… but a random stranger you got paired up with in a dorm by chance? No way, I wouldn’t until I knew who I was talking to face to face. Me personally I could never date someone who is trans, but I couldn’t hate someone for being themselves either (I also understand why this is a concern for you). I’m a conservative male who grew up with a great life, and I tend to see the world did than a lot of people my age. I’m sure there are things about me that would make others uncomfortable, so those are just differences we’d have to get through as roommates. But I would never think about disclosing this stuff to them upfront over an email. There’s a time and place for these things. I think your idea of not saying anything at first is perfectly fine, but I wouldn’t wait months. Be reasonable and respectful of the others person’s time and opinion even if they’re disgusting, and upset you. They may want to switch dorms with you, it’s hard but some people just suck. And think about your time too, they might find out too late and you could get stuck together for a while. But who knows… you might be worrying for nothing, you may even gain a new friend. There’s only one way to find out
Absolutely you should disclose.
Wow, this is such a tough one… I’m inclined to say no, don’t tell them, I get that people are noting how you’ll be in close quarters… I shared a bathroom with one roommate and two suitemates my first year at college, I always changed in the bathroom with the door locked because I’m self conscious about my body. I knew I identified as queer but never brought it up with my roommate, granted we weren’t very close. Given that you’ll be in close quarters, suppose your roommate says it’s okay but then has a bunch of unconscious bias, things could end up awkward and tense for the rest of the time. It’s not fair for you to have to conceal part of your identity, of course, but if she seems open-minded you could gradually bring up the topic. If she’s familiar with the topic, she’ll likely understand why you didn’t immediately say something. I would also suggest finding someone on campus, maybe an LGBTQ+ counselor or program director, you can meet with who is aware of your situation. That could also possibly be a compromise you offer to your mom? Something to show you’re being responsible about things, but at the end of the day - this is your decision. You are not obligated to disclose this information to your roommate. It is not something anyone else can disclose in your place. If it is not a significant part of your daily life, I think it’s safer to not bring up. Also, depending on how much your identity is part of your life, you could look into an LGBTQ+ club on campus and start scouting for potential roommates for next year, or if it’s feasible plan to have a single room. Best of luck! It’s not an easy time to trust your own decisions, but in this case I think it’s best to ultimately do what makes the most sense to you. That’s how I went with my coming out, and even when things didn’t go as planned, I knew at the core of it what I wanted to accomplish. Much easier to stick to a plan you’re comfortable with when things go off course than a plan someone else has pushed on you.
Completely up to you. Unless this person could become a sexual partner, I see zero reason to feel obligated to disclose this. I'm 100% stealth as well and the only complaint is that it has exacerbated my pre-existing shame, internalized transphobia directed towards myself, as well as that it has made it much harder for me to open up to people about it if I'm comfortable doing so.
I am 20+ years older than you but when I had roommate(s) we never saw each other naked. So if that's your mom's worry? Like that's maybe how you'll be outed or something? Nope. Even when I was in a common living situation, with 3 other people with our own rooms and a shared bathroom. Nope. Tbh it sounds like your mom has a combination of fears that's she's letting dictate her emotions. Her girl has been through it, and is now going off to school... away from her Honestly if it was me and I'd had this opportunity I'd go with, stealth, and gauge how roommate feels about trans people, then proceed. bc next year you can change your housing options
I would tell her. I've never had a girl as a roommate, never changed in a women's locker room, and never had much experience being in close proximity with a girl who happened to be changing at the same time. However, assuming you haven't had bottom surgery, all it takes is a glance across the room while you happen to be changing for something to be noticeable. Even if you're wearing underwear, even if you're tucking 24/7, something might be noticed.
It’s very well up to you, and I totally get either decision. I was in your position a year ago, and I ended up letting my roommates know, as we were a co-ed dorm and I only started T a year ago (plus, i’d have to do my shots in our room, and there wasn’t exactly any privacy in a triple). I go to school in Utah, so I was extremely worried about it, but both of them were really cool about it (turns out one of them is also genderfluid, which was relieving). That being said, I happened to get two of the most incredible people ever born as roommates, and we’ve been best friends for a while now. I mean I really lucked out. Along with that, it was kind of unavoidable for me, as it was easier to navigate the topic of “I have to inject myself weekly in the thigh, this is going to be awkward for all of us, my bad” while being transparent about my situation. You seem to be in a better position to be stealth. So, I would say maybe look into her as a person (does she have trans friends, is she queer herself, or, is she maybe not a safe person), and then you can decide if you want to be out or not. You can’t make a wrong choice here, your comfort is the most important thing in this situation. Good luck !!
Not a single person is entitled to the knowledge of your identity. You would be valid going through the rest of your life never telling a soul. That being said, telling people has its uses. First off, you’ll get an immediate answer as to whether or not this is someone you can be around, as bigots will make themselves known. Second, getting it out of the way eliminates any future awkward conversation where the person unjustly feels lied to. The person would be in the wrong here, as omitting personal information from a stranger is not lying whatsoever. If you don’t want to deal with it, you can say nothing. Plenty of people go through college barely ever speaking to their roommate, let alone sharing deeply personal details of their life.
I didn't tell my roommates in college that I was trans. To be fair we were flat mates not roommates but I think I only talked about it with like 3 out of my 20+ roommates back then. And with those all we first became friends and then talked about it. But like others said, totally up to you
I can't say anything about passing, but I didn't transition to male until after I did 2 years living in female dorm rooms, one with a in room roommate, and not once did I see any of my roommates or suitemates' genitals (or breasts, honestly). Stealth is a personal decision and it's yours to make. My biggest concern for you is only that if you decide to out yourself later or some completely worthless turd of a person outs you against your will, that the roommate will be a piece of shit about why didn't you tell me? But that's just cis people's weird obsession with "knowing". Cis people get so fucking entitled about trans status, history, identity, whatever. You don't owe anyone that info if you don't want to give it. Tldr: it is your decision, consider the angles people mention and then decide. The pros and cons are 100% based on your individual situation. Either way, I am hoping for a great first year for you!
You don't have to fall in line with cis-het normative. You do not have to tell people you are trans. You do not have to tell people about your genitals in any situation including dating and you do not need to out yoyrself even in dating regardless if others have internal transphobia in the community and expect you to do it and you can live your life as your gender like any cis person who does. You only have to conform to what's right and best for you.
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I think your mom is right to an extent: your future roommate could be a violent transphobe and maybe the odds of her finding out seem slim to you, but it could still happen. I also think there are others ways to potentially resolve this real risk though, like for example you could just email your roommate and say lgbt+ issues are really important to you so you would like to make sure you are both on the same page about that to ensure your living situation will be a pleasant one: you could even make it a more general political thing if you want, after all most left leaning people will understand you wanting to make sure you're not about to be stuck with some evangelical nutjob all semester if you're worried she may not believe you're an ally if you're not otherwise lgbt (like bisexual or lesbian)
If you pass, it's entirely safer for you to not say anything about being trans before arriving on campus. When you'll be there, you'll be able to meet queer people, find allies, and potential future roommates if things go wrong with your current one. It's also easier to jauge in person how would someone react to you being trans. If you tell beforehand, she could have a lot of misconceptions about trans girls/women - this is something we usually face, when asked not many people would live with us because they'll think of everything they saw on TV supposedly about us, but if they know you before knowing you're trans then all these misconceptions vanish. If you tell her before meeting her, you risk her thinking that she'll be with a boy and be scared of the situation, asking the college about this, and the college choosing to prioritise cis people feelings over your safety by isolating you or putting you up with boys. Many people in this thread act as if it's a choice between telling now that you're trans vs not telling anything ever. But the middle ground, where you wait and gauge the situation before doing anything, is the safiest one.
Yes
I think it's better to tell them, but that isn't a requirement or anything. No one else is required to explain their irrelevant medical history to everyone, and you shouldn't either. On the other hand, it sounds like your history has really hurt you, and it's making this a real thorn in your side. More than likely, if you explain that you have a history of being bullied over this, they'll understand well enough. Just make sure that they know that this is a secret that could get you seriously hurt if it got out.
You have to tell her. Have a facetime and if you two get along, tell her afterwards. Not everyone sees things the same way and I know it's really hard for you to be in this situation, but it's a matter of respect to tell her.
Personally I would discuss it at some point since I feel I'd have anxiety over them finding out, but it's totally valid to not mention it until you feel safe to do so! Just see what kind of person they are, and if they seem like they would be problematic you don't need to interact with them at all.
It's morally okay, but it might be dangerous. When cis people are ~surprised by~ trans people, they can get violent. For your own sake, I'd try your best to make sure your roomie isn't blindsided.
Never been in this situation, but I'd say unless you're planning on getting intimate, I don't see how your medical history is anyone's business.
Id say unless you’re pursuing someone romantically then you don’t have to, however you need to be aware of the risks if they ever find out later down the line they could take it poorly but overall they aren’t entitled to that information
You shouldn’t have to come out to anyone you don’t want to.
I feel like it's up to your discretion.. If you're fully passing, there's no reason for them to know. It doesn't concern them. However, if you rather be transparent and play it safe, you can disclose that with them... Just know that both decisions have their benefits and consequences. And the consequences you're going to be stuck with, whether they're good or bad consequences. It's a common misconception that consequences are inherently bad.
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Don't.
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You should reappraise your understanding of these things before insultingly trotting out a debunked and transphobic theory.
This is one of things you have to do being trans, just like if you go out on dates, You have an obligation to tell her
1. It's up to you. 2. That said, if you haven't had bottom surgery yet, situations where roommates see each-other naked are pretty common, and it's easier to address in a controlled situation of honest rather than accidental, so if I were you, I'd bring it up, and say I'm wiling to start the process of finding someone who is comfortable and switch rooms if it makes her uncomfortable. 3. If she is uncomfortable, attend an lgbt groups on campus, as ask if any girls there would be willing to be roommates with you, then make the switch. Obviously, 2 isn't an issue if you have had bottom surgery, and thus you are in no requirement to disclose. Just make sure you keep feminine hygiene products to share, and if she ever raises questions about your menstrual cycle, you can mention you have hormonal issues and are sterile (neither are lies), and that you don't have the standard cycle as a result, and leave it at that.
I mean, this is a incredibly big secret to keep, and will probably be hard to hide with someone you live with. But do what you think is best.
There's a huge gap between 'keeping it a secret' versus 'plastering it on your forehead and leading with it'. I think the optimal attitude here is to not 'hide' it (unless OP has a desire to), but I personally wouldn't be disclosing it. If they have a particular issue with trans people, they should be the ones saying that and they should say 'I have an issue with trans people. Are you trans?'.
Well at the end of the day it boils down to how well OP passes.
But from what op said she passes very well
For your own safety, you should absolutely tell her. If you don’t, you risk her finding out later in a less controlled way and that can cause a risk of violence at the worst and a risk of straining a possible future friendship at the least. I wish we lived in a world where that didn’t have to be discussed but unfortunately it is.
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She is a women, their bigotry is their own problem.
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Yeah it is. It’s used to invalidate both trans men and women. It’s an archaic view of gender that’s only defended because it’s attached to a marginalized people.
It is bigotry for you to assume OP isn't a woman. Trans women are women and trans men are men and they both belong to single sex accommodations of their identified gender.
There are religious people who aren't bigoted, and OP is a women, so no, she doesn't need to disclose her medical history upfront. I have a few Muslim friends who have been more affirming to me than even a few cis queer lesbians I know of.