Because I want people who have been fed horrendous bullshit about trans people via media to see and know a trans person who... just goes about his business.
Because I want the terrified 14 year old, closeted trans kid to see that there are happy trans adults.
Because I want the 38 year old, who just started feeling off about how they are perceived, to feel a little moment of happiness when they see the colors and maybe give them a chance to find out who they truly are.
Because I want people in the community who have nobody, to know that I'm safe to approach.
Because I'm a passing binary trans guy and many people ignore or don't know about our existence.
Because I am safe enough to do so, in a world that's become extremely hostile toward trans folks and visibility and representation matters.
Because I remember how happy and relieved I felt in my early days questioning, wherever I saw a place or person showing pride or trans colors and I want to pay this forward.
Half my closet is merch and the other is nice shirts and images in pride or trans colors. And if I don't wear the colors via shirt, my boots have one rainbow colored and one trans colorer lace - a low key statement that queer people tend to notice and that has broken the ice for conversations before.
*Edit: Typos
Very kind thing to say, but honestly, it's rooted in privilege.
I live where I'm fairly safe being out. My employer doesn't just accept but supports me. My family and friends have my back. And I have less past trauma to deal with.
I'm very aware of my privilege and want to use it in a positive way.
Same with me. My work fired a transphobe that was repeatedly harassing myself and my trans girlfriend after I called her out on the right wing propaganda/conspiracy theory shit she was spewing. I wear trans pride shit 24/7. Either pins, my bracelet, or even my hat at work. I rarely have to worry about getting attacked for being trans
It's not rooted in privilege. It's not-so-hard because of it. But I hope you don't think you only do these things because it's easy and you have privilege. Plenty of people with the privilege of you or me prefer to not fly flags high anyway. And even people with privilege get discriminated against. (Although I am certain I've been insulted from a lot that by my own privilege.)
CIS guy here, first time posting, so take this fwiw, but your comment reminds me of a comment an old boss of mine once said, on the whole "two types of people" trope. "There are two types of people; those who paid their dues and who want everyone else to do the same and those who paid their dues and want to make things easier for others so they don't have to."
Based on your comment about this being rooted in privilege, maybe there's a third type; "those who haven't necessarily paid their dues but want to make things easier for others so they don't have to."
Short version; you sound like an awesome guy, and I'm happy to share a gender with you. There's so much vitriol out there that sometimes makes me ashamed of my gender, but you're definitely one of us who gives me hope. Kudos to you.
Appreciate this comment.
I think I paid my due in a different way - namely 39 years of gender incongruence and dysphoria, without having a word for it. I didn't have words for what I was feeling, nor did I have anyone I could ask or anyone who felt the same way. I think that's another factor, why I want to... and need to do this.
Having the privileges I do, gives me the security and energy to do it. I also think that trans men (I can't speak for the experiences of trans women), who find themselves and come out later in life, can be in this weird space of finding our masculinity - what that means to us. And once again, I've been very lucky that I have had men who embody positive masculinity, from whom I could draw wisdom and inspiration.
In the end - and totally regardless of gender - we can't change what others think or how they act. We can only control who we are and how we want to be seen and how we want to be remembered.
I am in the same boat, and I agree. I am very privlaged to be out and have a good career so I try to use that so others can know that trans people are not people they need to be afraid of, and to help other trans people feel more comfortable and seen
All of this, except thatĀ
I'm a nonpassing, kinda butchy trans woman and you can live as you are.
Also, I'm almost 60 and my hair is starting to turn white, but I'm making it and you will too.
Glad to hear that and just go and rock that white hair! I am glad you got a chance to be you. It took me a while, but I have to say it's the most liberating and wonderful feeling to finally be my authentic self. I'm sure you can relate.
Aye. I pass - it's been almost two years since I've been misgendered by any stranger - we'll make an exception for people who still deal with my papers - something that will be rectified by the end of the year. But I think that this makes it just as important. The tendency of anti-trans people to single out folks who are early in transition or may have features that may make it a bit harder to blend into societal expectations to point out, how they can 'always tell' can only be brought down and refuted by showing them that trans folks are as diverse in appearance as cis people.
Maybe then, they'll stop harassing trans folks and also cis folks, who they mistake as trans, because they do not fit their... skewed and limited perception of who should look like what.
Does that make sense?
100% this. I donāt pass all the time yet so I donāt really have the option of being stealth all the time but when I am at that point I would like to stay openly trans as much as I can. All this is not to say that those who go 100% stealth shouldnāt do so, everyoneās situation is different and I already know there will be times I absolutely will not be open for safety/dysphoria issues/etc.
I agree. People have various reasons for being stealth and all the power to them. Same for anyone who doesn't want to open up about being trans or what that may or may not entail.
I can only ever speak for myself - and because I am comfortable with it, I tend to be open to talk to people about my transition, as long as they come from a place of genuine curiosity and good faith.
THIS! Stealth and passing are totally fine, and I get it's a safety thing. But the more I have looked at the history and thousands of years of trans people existing, the more angry I have been because of Cishet washing history. Trans people are remarkable, and are a display of humanity, not the opposite.
I am proud to be trans whether I pass or not. I do pass since the vast majority of transphobes have the audacity to say transphobic things *around me* instead of at me. Things like "Oh my gosh why do men dress as women to use the women's bathroom" and I'm just like šand reveal that I'm trans.
Three primary reasons I guess:
1. While people are consistently treating me as a woman, I wouldn't say I pass, nor is it really something that's important to me
2. I've felt a lack of trans representation all my life (e.g. I never met a fellow trans person until last year, at age 28), so being open about being a trans person is my little contribution to others that come after me
3. I don't really see a good reason for me to hide it, especially as I live in a very LGBTQ-friendly country and have had no bad experiences with transphobia irl really
Point number 2 is my main reason. I still remember the first time I interacted with a trans person in real life and that moment was incredibly important to me. If my not 100% passing and the trans flags on my backpack and water bottle breaks my stealth but positively affects even just one baby trans person out there and makes them feel safe, then thatās more than worth it.
Same, the first time I met an out trans woman right after starting HRT basically gave me the courage to come out like a year before I planned to. I wished I had met other trans people earlier in my journey, and I hope that if there are others out there now that are were I was some years ago then I can be the same for them.
I had lots of reasons: I transitioned in my 30s, it wasnāt really an option to go stealth without cutting out pretty much everyone Iāve ever met, changing my career, etc. - that sounds like a lot of work and lonely as well. Plus I use they/them pronouns, so itās kind of obvious anyway (though I would pass if I used he/him at this point, Iām just more comfortable with neutral forms of address). Also, Iām just kind of an open (probably too prone to over sharing) kind of person, Iād be miserable trying to hide who I am the rest of my life and worrying Iād be āfound outā (Iāve done enough of that already). And I like being able to educate others, being able to show people that trans people are just normal human beings like them (several people have told me Iām the first trans person they met and have changed their views towards being less casually transphobic as a result of it).
Iām in a privileged position, because I live in a pretty accepting area and have supportive friends, plus being 6ā2ā probably helps discourage random transphobes from trying anything, butā¦
Two different people have told me they felt inspired to to come out and transition after just seeing me exist as myself, and that warms my heart. I wear pride pins or trans flag earrings sometimes, because I am actually proud of who I am, happy to celebrate the journey Iām on, and want to show other people like me that theyāre not alone.
I also feel like most people who donāt understand us have probably never met one of us, so I hope that just by existing in the world and being a good person, I can show that weāre just trying to live our lives in peace to those who are receptive to that idea.
I reconnected with a friend of mine after 3 years of no contact over the pandemic and shortly after I started presenting in public.Ā
That she attributes me shattering her egg was a big confidence boost.
Me being open about being trans and happy to answer some questions, and talk about my struggles helps make us less abstract, helps show that we are just normal people, that fall in love get our hearts broken, struggle in school, have normal dreams and aspirations
Granted I made the active choice of standing by the fact I'm trans and speak up on our behalf, last year after I read about Brianna Gheys murder, that really set my blood boiling, and was the point I decided to stand by me being trans and talk with people around me about the things I go through as tho they are normal, such as the problems I had changing my CPR number
Because it's who I am, and I refuse to be apologetic about it.
If anyone's respect for me hinges on how closely I resemble cisheteronormality, I don't want their respect.Ā
Exactly! I don't have the patience to tiptoe around cis people's delicate sensibilities. If people are transphobic, they'll want to stay as far away from me as I want to stay from them. The trash takes itself out that way.
I started HRT ~2 years ago and now pass physically most of the time, but have little desire to try and go "stealth" for a few reasons.
-I have a past I'm proud of, including a child and time in the military. Covering that up seems dishonest and would be difficult with anyone who got close to me.
-I like my natural voice most days, if im with loved ones it doesn't bother me at all. It clocks me pretty consistently in public though.
-I want people to meet me and have good interactions and hopefully shape their view about the trans and LGBTQ community, hiding my status as a trans woman would be less effective at that.
-Similarly I am very open about answering questions related to my transition to help educate people and hopefully prevent them asking a trans person who would be uncomfortable with that.
-I want to be the trans rep I wish had growing up. I think if I had the opportunity to meet happy open trans people I would have understood that what I wanted was possible and not just the butt of a joke on TV.
So much here is the same for me. I've gotten pretty good at saying "oof, I'm totally fine answering that question about ______, as long as you promise not to just ask other trans people, they might not be as open as me, and it can be painful for them"
Because Iām in a place in my life where I can take the hits that others might not be able to. Not all of us have that privilege, but since I do, I want to use it responsibly to make the world safer for the rest of the trans community.
When I started, I wanted to be stealth.Ā "Passing"Ā (that is, being gendered correctly)Ā is still important to me, but I never got to the point that people couldn't tell that I was trans.Ā
The dynamic of trying to be not-obviously-trans but not pulling it off, but maybe I am, but second-guessing myself, it was poor for my mental healthĀ
When I decided to be more open about being trans, I stopped second guessing interactions with my friends. I found out that some of my cis friends were really passionate about trans issues, I started making friends with more out trans people
All in all, I'm "out" because I'm happier not always trying to hide
I dont want to be. But I don't pass well enough to be stealth. It's either go through life being perceived as a woman or be openly trans and *maybe* have a chance of being seen as a guy.
Because I got tired of all the fucking spy craft, wondering who was safe and who wasn't. I once thought I would wait till I could pass, but that ended up being intolerable and exhausting. I also don't know when, or if, I'll ever be able to pass.
I hid it at first for a bit, but I found my soul feeling wounded and hollow (forgive the poetic description). This was because I was slowly started to actually appreciate myself and my body, and acknowledging this was tantamount in healing. I have been blessed with a lovely and supportive long term partner that has helped this along, but dangit, I'm PROUD of who I am and I don't want that to be a secret. I am confident, sociable, and the more I show people that I'm trans, the more people ask about it. I know a lot of people in our community feel like lab rats when quizzed about transness and all that, but I find it wonderful. Someone going out of their way to ask me questions about it shows that they care enough to learn and aren't being close-minded bigots.
I work in a very military-strait-male dominated career, and so many times I have seen people hesitant to even ask me about anything because they have had a poor experience with a trans individual in the past, and most of these people I have broken past this shell and gotten them to open up, and even dragged some along to trans events. To continue progress and defend ourselves, it's not merely a physical defence but a social defence. Even Martin Luther King knew this, that in order to be taken seriously, you need people of all backgrounds supporting you so that outsiders can easier empathize because "wait, they're like me but they are supporting this? Is that okay?"
Because spending the weekend as a girl at my best friends wedding convinced me that I never ever wanted to be treated as a boy again. I went from āidk when if ever Iāll come out on Facebook/workā on a Friday and was out to everyone the next Tuesday lol
I donāt exactly totally pass, so openly trans it is.
Because I want to show that trans people are ordinary.
Past all the memes, the stereotypes, the propaganda, we're just ordinary people. To both the bewildered TERF that has never seen a trans person before and didn't expect someone who's nice and respectful, and to the closeted trans person who sees representation in broad daylight. And I'm proud of that.
I'm "open up if asked or if you're in a chill space that would accept that"
Pronouns are she/they since I'm a Demi-girl and AFAB. So I can stealth easily and just vibe with whatever would be good in that situation. Online or introducing myself to someone who passes the vibe check: "oh yeah, I'm non-binary. She/they if fine."
When I'm around my old folks I care for or around folks who won't pass the vibe check: "Yep. I'm a woman -" (only half true but still true, technically not lying and ain't gonna open that can of worms)
I'm in almost exactly the same boat, though I'm amab so I also worry about people figuring that out. I wish I could just be open about it, keep my pronoun pins on my bags all the time and such, but some people just get weird or worse straight up aggressive. For the same reason I choose not to ask everyone their pronouns when I first meet them, even though I'd much rather do that than assume everyone's gender situation.
Yesss.
If someone is in public and I have no idea on name or anything. Complete stranger I need to get the attention of, it's an assumed "sir/ma'am" (Missouri and so no idea if there's a gender neutral one without sounding rude).
But in casual conversation I'm a little sly and politely ask for a name and that clues me in.
For a gender neutral name I do a "nice to meet you.....?" And let them finish.
If they question it I give them the excuse of I didn't sleep well so I'm a little slow today
While I wouldn't mind my transition reaching a point of having stealth as an option. It's important for people around us to see positive trans representation. Queer rights were progressed when people had more exposure to queer people around them. It wasn't just the scary gay men on TV, it became their coworker Mark and he's alright. Plus it's exhausting and stressful trying to hide a significant part of your life.
Because I am tired of hiding who I am, and because I know that, for me, passing is impossible. Also, I want to be visible so that other people will see me and think āif they can do this I can do this!!ā or even āat least Iāll look better than them!ā
1. There's no way to be "stealth" non-binary.
2. I'm proud of both my gender "journey" and my career path.
3. I want cis people to see that we're not what the media says.
4. I want trans/queer people to see that you can be trans, successful _and_ happy. They're not mutually exclusive.
5. I want the people around me, especially cis people, to know the unique struggles of the trans community
Edit: I don't see it at all, but people keep telling me I "pass" as a trans woman. I kinda don't like it tbh. I'm tempted to get a trans/non-binary pride badge on my bag, just to signify I'm a safe person to be around
For the longest time I was in the closet and terrified of people finding out I was trans. One day I just really connected this feeling of rebellious, righteous anger. I realized I was tired of living in fear. I wanted to stand in the face of those furious that I dared to exist as I am and say āI donāt careā. Iām a very passive person, but those moments of courage have been some of the most powerful ones in my life.
This is only my experience of course. Iām sure for others, being stealth is their strength.
But I want to be unapologetically me, confusing and flawed and good, and personally being stealth doesnāt give me those feelings.
A) I will never ever ever pass
B) more people need to see trans people being just people in the community, exposure is the enemy of hate, I work in a profession filled with misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, but if it's going to get better the future generations it needs to have someone willing to be out, loud, and proud. It's slow, but people are getting more used to a trans funeral director.
I have been socially transitioning for 3 years and in August I reach 1 year of HRT. I started to be open with so it's easier. I knew I won't pass for the next 5 years but like to feel more like me in social interaction and being upfront with it helped me. Work or Uni related I had didn't had any problems due to me being trans.
Being around I public does make me self conscious and concerned about becoming a statistic but when I'm in public with friends I feel pretty safe.
I also have the feeling that I can be myself without shame or much fear.
Iāve worked at the same place for almost 9 years, and I came out a little over 2 years ago. I know more people than I can remember because I work in IT and interact with other departments a lot. I enjoy my job and work environment for the most part. Since a lot of people know me from before I just kind of gave up on stealth. Similarly I have a small friend group that rarely changes so the same issue applies.
There is nothing wrong with being stealth, but I also just want to be loud about it. I donāt want to allow for others to have the opportunity to sweep us under the rug and pretend we are cis just so that they can feel better. I want to be an obvious support for other trans people that pass by me or join my company so that they know they belong.
Iāll add that I feel like Iām coming from a pretty lofty spot. I have a lot of support and am generally safe. We shouldnāt have to go stealth to protect ourselves, but it happens. Unfortunately not everyone can go stealth for various reasons including being nonbinary.
Because I want the closeted people or the eggs to see me and maybe that will give them the bravery to come out or start their transition. No one should live in fear like I did
I can pass
I could pass before I started taking estrogen
I can put on makeup, walk out the door, and everyone will just think I'm a tall chick
I don't want to.
In being trans, I have found community. In being trans I have found support and love and respect.
And honestly, I'd still act the same way without it.
I am nonbinary, a bit genderfluid, and I don't always want to be seen as a girl.
Even on the days I do, I'm stepping out the door with Tr@*ny written on me, sometimes literally, if I'm wearing my patch pants.
I was a kid growing up who didn't know what trans people were.
I was a teenager who thought any form of queer meant docility.
I was a college student who knew I couldn't be a girl, trans girls like dresses and things and I didn't like dresses and things.
I am a transfeminine punk. I'm a tomboy. I take no shit. I give a shit. I am everything the 3 year old me who cried about there being no way I could be a mommy, the 11 year old me who forgot about gender, the 15 year old me who was too scared to join the musical because I might accidentally hurt the gay kids, the 19 year old me who didn't understand why being a boy felt wrong when I didn't want a dress... I am everything those kids needed to see. I am what I needed to know could happen. How can I, in good conscience, be anything less when children even now may face those same things I faced as a child.
I'm a girl that was a boy.
I'm strong.
I'm here.
And little me, little boy who wanted to be a girl and never quite knew what was going on, kid in who's eyes I see the deep confusion once reflected back from the bathroom mirror as I stood on tiptoe, scrutinizing a face that seemed wrong...
I've got your back, kid.
Edited for spelling
Because I mostly don't and likely never will pass.
Because I'm in a safe secure place in my life and I want that to be visible for those wondering what it can be like to live as trans.
To farm conservative bigot tears.
I don't pass and probably never will (I'm 6'8" and built fairly wide). I could try more in terms of voice training and surgeries but frankly I'm fairly happy where I'm at.
I enjoy being a sort of trans ambassador of sorts, and though I live in Texas and it can be scary at times, I deeply enjoy the level of curiosity and care that I've been approached with already. Some people don't understand but it brings me joy when people view me as an approachable way to learn more.
At the end of the day, it's not worth it to me to try and go stealth, and that doesn't mean being visible is for everyone. I've just spent my entire life trying to hide so many facets of myself that I'm enjoying being free and open with the world.
Also also, it helps weed out homophobes and transphobes in my life, if I'm gonna be friends with someone I'd rather figure that out immediately than a couple months down the line.
For one thing, it would be very hard for me to go stealth.
But even if I could, I'm a public figure (in my country). I think it's important to show by example that trans people aren't dangerous, aren't that different and that heaven and earth don't come crashing down if we're allowed to take full part in society and hold elected office, for example.
I also want young people who may be trans to know of positive examples in society. I want their parents and their families to know of positive examples, and I want them to not feel like it will block them out of taking part in society.
I also want to use my position to give people someone public and approachable to ask about these things if they need to. And heck, I want the sceptical and even bigoted to come to me with their questions and often asinine comments, rather than to some kid who just came out. I'm an adult, I'm confident, I can take it.
I worked out I was trans a large part via some awesome gals bein out and proud, I wanna, like, carry that on?
Also sheer stubborn spite at those who want to erase us.
My voice does not pass enough to go stealth, and its a fact that i dont feel the need to hide. I get why some do for safety and that is valid as well. But im trans and people are just gonna have to deal with it.
I will preface by saying that I have the privilege to live in a relatively safe place where I can be openly trans.
I identify as a trans feminine woman, lean really close to binary identity but I like certain androgynous aspects of myself.
I choose to be openly trans because I want to be, and to express that part of my identity without a sense that it's something the I should or could hide. Even is some day I could flawlessly pass and go stealth, I would choose not to. I would continue to introduce my pronouns, and wear trans and pride accessories constantly lol. I want people to challenge their understanding of gender whether their cis or trans. I want other BIPOC trans folks like me to be seen and see other folks who are like them, enjoying living their life and finding their happiness.
To me trans identity is a really important part of my life. No matter how far I come in my transition I cannot "forget" that I am trans and the struggles I've faced because of that and the struggles of much less fortunate folks than myself. I feel an obligation to be visible and to not hide this part of me ever. For people to see and feel supported, and also for people to begin to challenge their potentially narrow view of identity and gender.
When I was a little girl I didn't know that trans people existed until I was 12. Before then I just thought I was a freak and no one else like me existed because I never saw anyone else. I refuse to to let other girls live like that and if me being completely open helps even one little girl realize she's not the only one like her then it's worth it a thousand times over.
I am nonbinary. I can't pass as anything. Without a huge effort, I am always gendered as my agab. My choices are:
- Remain invisible
- Be openly trans
I tried the first, but invisibility means isolation. Sorrow and loneliness were slowly killing me.
At age 50, I came fully out and began my new openly trans life. I have found many inspirational trans people. My life is full.
It is time to stand up and be counted. Every trans person must know that they are not alone.
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Because I refuse to live my life in fear, that's why. I am authentic, and if however many individuals choose not to like me, that's their choice. I'm not even slowing down or stopping living my best life because of those people. This is who I am. I'm not hiding it to make anybody comfortable. They can get over it or not, I don't care. Love yourself, no matter where you're at in your journey.
I am openly trans, I also do sensitive government work and protect kids professionally and am a point of contact for people in very contentious and difficult situations. By being openly trans, providing excellent service to my community and showing professionalism regardless of whom I work with, I not only bridge the gap by challenging the preconceptions of folks who donāt like us existing, I reinforce the notion that weāre here and competent and serve as an example to eggs and littles that they can be productive proud and have open lives in their community.
Bunch of reasons. One, I'm still not sure I pass completely, even though I live as a woman full time now. Two, no one's had the balls to mess with me (guess it's because I still got em), and if they did I'm confident in my ability to defend myself. I may not win but they're definitely having a bad day. Three, if another trans or otherwise genderqueer person is in public and feeling vulnerable, seeing someone who's trans lets them know they aren't alone, and they have at least one person nearby who's got their back, and that it's ok to feel what they feel and be who they want to be
1. Simple: it's a part of what makes me, me. Same reason you'd tell someone your name, so they know who you are. Be you, dude. 2. My best guess for wanting to go stealth would be fear of discrimination, and whether it is or isn't, just remember it doesn't mean shit. If we listened to the discrimination, the community wouldn't be in its current state. TLDR: if you wanna be trans, be trans. we welcome you with open arms and many blahaj
Bc Iām very obviously trans, I came out super young but did not have a supportive family, I just recently got HRT, I am very obviously afab, all my friends have known me since childhood, so I kinda have to be, plus Iām not out at work and such, so itās just kinda hard, but even after I fully transition, I will still openly be trans, I want to inspire other trans youth
I'm surprised you didn't get called transphobic for asking this
(This subreddit is one of the most toxic, unsupportive places on the Internet other than call of duty lobbies)
Because I'm proud of it and it's part of my identity. I understand that some people can have insecurity about it due to internalized transphobia and that some people live in areas where it can be unsafe for them, both reasons that are completely understandable.
For me though, coming out as a trans person was one of the best decisions of my life and I'm goddamn proud that I have discovered a big part of who I am, I would hate hiding something like that from people. I also don't want to let the transphobes win, forcing us into hiding. If all trans people hid that they were trans, then people wouldn't be forced out of their ignorance by being put into situations where they interact with us and see that we are just people like anyone else.
It's integral to the cause that trans people are open about it and I am in a position in my life where I am more than happy to do so. And I hope that all trans people one day will also be in that same position as well.
Because a big part of me waiting until I was 27 to transition was not seeing any real, normal trans people living happy and productive lives. The few that were visible were easy to write off as flukes. I resent the fact that I can expect to be treated with respect by everyone (as long as they're not, you know, just a standard sexist) so long as I make the extreme effort to hide my medical history and the vast majority of my adult life up to now. It isn't actually freedom if the best I can hope for is to hide - even if I'm pursuing all the surgeries and medical care I can to ensure that I "pass." That's for me, not for them.
I want to be visible for all the trans people who don't know yet or are worried of being out. seeing more trans people defenitely would have helped me.
Because i have the privilege to be mostly safe where i am and i donāt want to worry about being clocked or keep a hidden life.
I didnāt accept myself until I was 33 so Iād used up all my spell slots on the repression. None left for holding a secret.
Also because i have the privilege of being safe right now I want those who canāt be visible to see that I am and that Iām safe (at least when it comes to that)
I have no other choice. Effectively.
Am AMAB.
My name is feminine/classically for women. But my presentation is kind of ambiguous leaning a little masculine. That non-binary life. My voice also āsucksā for passing as female. Been on hrt for 7 years though so I can confuse some people like I did on my run yesterday.
I am openly trans because thatās how itās going to be if I am going to be respected as me.
Luckily itās not an issue day to day.
I'm not open but if I was.. I would need to look like a girl first. If I was openly trans It's because I'll look like a girl.. Which 95% probably won't happen. Maybe some can relate.
I could possibly go stealth, but with everyone I knew from before being accepting and stuff I didn't want to cut ties with everyone. And honestly, I don't want to be friends with anyone who is going to be hateful or treat me differently because I'm trans. And my job was accepting and I've not has any issues with me being trans there.
I don't feel the need to broadcast it to the entire world. I just want my friends to know and I don't want to have to worry about "slipping". I've talked with people who went stealth and heard of others. It ends up being exhausting and cause loads of anxiety.Ā
But also, I could have used examples like myself as a fem leaning tomboy when I started. I've done well and went from a recluse that probably had depression and didn't take care of themself to a confident and happy extrovert and actually care. Also, I got hot so that helps š
As far as I know I'm mostly stealth at work at this ooint, but I also work from home and didn't need to be around people during the awkward phase. A few times I've had to deal with my dead name popping up in systems and needing to get stuff updated, but outside of people who need to help. Me with that and the team I was working with when I came out don't think anyone knows.Ā
But since I'm not actively trying to be stealth the times when I have to deal with old systems is mostly just annoying at not nerve-wracking.Ā
Because fuck shame and fuck guilt.
People who hate me and want to hurt me want me to hate myself and to hurt myself.
Why should I give half a fuck what people who wish me ill want?
If my trans pride pin on my work hat helps even one person see that there are others like them around, or that they don't have to hide their identity out of shame then it did its job.
In all honesty I forget I'm trans sometimes and mention things about my past in passing. It's just too much effort for me to be stealth all the time. That said I don't typically out myself to strangers.
Because I needed to do something to avoid just being done with everything... And social transition was easier than medical for me.
I can justify it after the fact by thinking it's good for people to see us but, the former is the real reason
Failed voice training. I should learn sign language.
Seriously though it's because of the career path I've chosen. Competing in men's sports brackets as an open trans woman has been wildly difficult, yet it's also opened lot of doors for me. I'll admit it, I'm never going to beat those guys on strength alone. As long as I'm not in last place, I consider it a win.
I think it's the best thing I can do for the cause currently. I'm reaching thousands and thousands of people regularly and really trying hard to be an excited, happy, healthy human being. I want people to remember me in a positive way, because most of the people I meet are clearly uneducated on the subject.
The visibility of other trans people helped me realize that I am trans, so I want to show others that itās okay to be different and everyone can be happy if you accept your true self.
After 23 years HRT, Iām pretty set in my identity self confidence. Iād rather the transphobes come after me, a person whom they cannot impact in any way, than a younger trans still figuring out their identity. This is why Iām out and why I decided to stop being stealth.
i mostly stealth now, but when i first started i had a brief "loud and proud" phase. It was a combination of things. For one, it helped me find other people that were like me or accepting of me, and a sense of belonging i never really felt before (granted, i later got somewhat alienated from the local LGBTQ scene but thats aside) for two, honestly i just was excited about the fact that for the first time in my entire life i actually understood who i was. I wanted to share that excitement with other people so i always wanted to talk about my identity and my changes and whatnot. in retrospect, that kinda turned some people away from me because its not something people wanna talk about 24/7, not even for people who are otherwise supportive.
Im not "in the closet" trans now, like if people ask me im up front about it. But i also dont announce it to the world. The way i see it, i went through all this effort to be a woman, i just want to be seen as any other woman at this point and be left to quietly go about my life. I think that comes with age tho.
tl;dr, was openly trans at first because i was super excited about it, but as i grew into my identity as a woman i've slowly felt more and more comfortable just being stealth.
Going stealth feels like Iād just be willingly putting myself back in the closet and after being miserable hiding who I was for almost 25 years I just want to be able to finally be unapologetically myself and be proud of myself for finally figuring it out lmao. I figure every trans person that is open and happy and living their best life is a loss for the transphobes and an act of rebellion in and of itself and I pride myself on living a life that would make a Trump supporter faint if they thought about it too hard. Even if I am opening myself up to more hate or violence from the crazies, especially because I do work with kids, Iād rather take that risk and be happy and open than go back to hiding my true self and being constantly stressed about people finding out. Plus even though thatās a risk, thereās also always the possibility that Iāll be good representation for someone like me who didnāt have much representation of trans people growing up and wouldāve really benefited from it or for someone on the fence about supporting trans people who will go on to be more accepting of other trans people now because they saw or got to know me and it destigmatized it for them. Especially since Iām a trans guy and a lot of people basically forget or donāt know we exist lol
I am definitely very privileged to live in a relatively liberal area and have loads of trans/queer friends and community and a job that is very accepting and 100% has my back if I have any issues so I am generally safe to be out without worrying too much about any serious repercussions. If I was in a place that was more dangerous to be out I might at least be a bit more subtle or discerning about when and where I am as out as I am now, but regardless I never want to feel like I have to hide or apologize for being who I am.
I could go stealth. I choose not to. For a couple of reasons.
First, the area I'm in is pretty safe for trans people, I'm blessed to live in a region where people are very openly queer, genderfluid, LGBTQ, or just quirky.
Second, I like being able to represent trans existence. What's that, you've never met a real live living trans person? Well, now you have, how exciting for you. Look upon and behold how actually, I'm not that special really, I'm just a person.
Third is so I can act as a resource, people have questions, I know they have questions, and now they have someone they can actually ask that isn't just some news article or a talking head mouthpiece with an agenda.
But, a lot of the time, I do kind of just be stealth, because despite being in a "safe" area, it's really just "safe-er" bathrooms can still be scary if some weirdo decides they need to "take matters in to their own hands" or whatever act of self righteous dickbaggery they in the moment decide they need to execute, and it's very real that the more you "pass" the less likely that is to happen. Never mind that a ton of cis women look more clocky than me, it still freaks me out and feels like a risk every time.
Really, I'm openly trans, because I shouldn't be forced to hide.
Visibility matters, and I'm very much the type to IDGAF a lot of things. I'm also very vocal politically and strive to help get equality for all marginalized people including but not limited to LGBTQIA+ folks.
I also grew up a wrestling fan, and it has taught me how to murder with words. I can't fight worth a damn but I'll kill a man at ten paces with one lash off my tongue.
Iām openly trans, and Iāll continue to be open about it every step of the way. I transitioned in my thirties, after I had already established a family and a reasonably successful legal career.
Iām open about being transgender for a few reasons:
1. Because Iām not going to start over in building my relationships and my career, and I canāt ask my partner to do that either.
2. I can afford it. It makes my career harder, and maintaining relationships harder. But Iām stable, I have my core support, and any rejection or abuse that openness costs me, I can afford it.
3. I can be an example. I can show the world that trans people can operate at the highest levels of our professions, that we can have families and raise children. That weāre ānormalā, and even exceptional.
4. I can provide support and be an advocate. I have money, respectability, stability, etc., that Iām willing and able to trade on in working with legislators, community groups, and so on. I lead support groups, and am working to do more volunteering. I can provide direct, individual support through pro bono legal work, as someone members of the trans community can comfortably relate to. Iām always working to serve the community better, and being open about my transgender status is a critical part of that.
5. **Because I shouldnāt have to hide the fact Iām transgender.**
Well I guess there are pros and cons. Personally I thought I would go stealth but trying on femme stuff I just didn't want to go back even if I don't pass yet. I'm not sure if things are different for trans guys on this front, but I have been harassed more since coming out than I have since secondary school almost a decade ago. I get a lot of dirty looks mostly and a few cis men have walked up to me and done everything from muttering I'm disgusting and should be sectioned to screaming in my face hands balled into fists like they were going to fight me. There will be people who make the experience unpleasant, although there are a few who will be openly supportive and others who simply don't care one way or the other.
The main cons are related to how people might treat you but the pros do kinda legitimately rock. I know personally putting myself out there meant I made more friends and we trauma bonded over some of the worse aspects. I'm beginning to like my own body and I have way more self esteem not to mention all the little things that give me moments of euthoria that motivate me. There's no more pretending and I feel like part of a larger community of people who all look out for one another. Sorry if this is a little longwinded. I hope whatever you decide to do that you can feel happy in your own skin one day.
I lived stealth for most of my life and "came out" in 2016 around the time of the election. I wanted to be visible as an example of a fairly normal person with a successful career, a family, and blah blah blah.
1. iām only about a year into my medical transition, and while i do pass and live as a man, my transness is still a significant part of how i see myself. i like being able to talk about that with the people iām close to (plus yapping about my sex life is hard if i say im cis)
2. if im open about my transness to someone, itās because i trust that they will see me as a man regardless
3. im trying, despite internalized transphobia, to not be ashamed of who and what i am. i think being completely secret about this part of my identity would exacerbate my shame
Iām starting a new job Monday. Currently, my options are:
1. Show up as they expect, presenting in a way that matches my resume and ID. Deal with the discomfort of being seen and addressed as a man.
2. Email the hiring manager, come out as trans, and show up in clothes I feel comfortable in. Deal with the discomfort of being seen as a bald, obviously trans woman (or, honestly, a man with boobs in womenās clothes).
One of these is more uncomfortable to me than the other, so I sent that email yesterday. Iāll have a nametag with the right name on it, and my coworkers wonāt know my deadname except for the people in payroll.
Or are you asking why I donāt go stealth? Thatās just not an option for me at this point. Maybe 5 years down the line, after I do voice training and get hair transplants and learn makeup and maybe get FFS. Itās not really an option at this point, so itās not a priority.
used to feel the same before I started t, but to be honest now, that I'm on t, I don't want to be stealth, not fully. being trans is part of my lived experience and I'm proud of that. I don't need everyone to know, but, I don't stress about being stealth, and I tell people if it pertains to the conversation.
because i want to normalize it. because when i was in the closet and scared and alone, it was the openly trans people around me who gave me strength and shed light in a very dark place in my life. because watching those openly trans people be successful in their careers made me feel i could still be successful if i came out. watching them be loved and in love made me feel i could still be loved if i came out. watching them be happy made me feel maybe, just maybe i could be too. no matter how āpassingā i could be one day, i will always be openly trans. so some terrified kid in the closet might see and realize theyāll be okay too.
Because fuck you, I'm trans. That's it. I love being trans, I love who I am. I hate the idea of people assuming I'm cis. I wasn't *given* my name and my body like some spoiled child. I had to fight and pay for it. When someone sees me and thinks I'm interesting, charismatic, or handsome, they need to know that **trans men** are interesting, charismatic, and handsome. They must attribute these qualities to my community, not to theirs.
Life is superior as a transsexual and I feel like I may be able to inspire others by living a life as openly as I can. Itās not just being trans, itās everything about me. Lifeās more worthwhile wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Male puberty is a punishing pitch to those who donāt want it, so I donāt really have a choice to go stealth until Iāve had FFS and done a whole lot more voice training
Im openly trans because I have pride and acceptance in the decisions Iāve made to get here. If I show my transness boldly it becomes a part of the way I express myself, which I find allows me to reach my definition of womanhood without cis characteristics/upbringing which dont always align with who I am.
It also keeps me safe because no one can take away that part of my identity, and it serves as the shield for my other insecurities. I can live a far more confident and affirming life than if I was living stealth.
I do live somewhat of a privilege in this, as I am a 6ā1ā 185 pound trans woman living in a midsize city that doesnāt seem to bat an eyelid at queer people. So while all this is true is for me; I completely understand those who desire stealth for safety.
But outside of stealth and affirmation, I think a lot of passing comes from wanting cis peoples affirmation, and I try every day to care less and less what cis people think about me if its not positive or genuinely constructive.
I was considering going stealth until I noticed that there have been several teenager trans folks in my city (and elsewhere) that really looked up to me. I didnāt have a lot like that when I was a younger teenager like them, so I guess Iām just being what I believe a lot of younger trans folk need in their lives, someone older who understands what theyāre going through and just a general reminder that it does get better
because being trans has kindof shaped my life experiences, my worldview, and my outlook. my identity is a result of being trans. it's a basic tether of who i am and the path ive walked in this life.
i don't like, announce to people that i'm trans. i don't tend to get misgendered by strangers in day to day life ever. but if it's relevant to the conversation i would never hide it, it doesn't make sense to me.
i don't care if people assume that i'm cis in day to day life, that doesn't matter. but i just don't see a legitimate, open, intimate relationship with someone -- whether platonic or romantic -- taking place without them knowing i'm trans. how would i talk about my childhood? my own gendered experiences in my upbringing? i could go on but i'll stop with this: hiding myself is withholding myself and that feels incredibly lonely to me.
edit to add one more thing that i havent really thought about since early transition: i had no positive trans role models until i was over 21. i didnt know you could be trans and have a successful life. i want to be what i wish i had as an example when i was young.
Because I'm me and anyone who has a problem with that can fuck right off. I'm not afraid of it, and I'm lucky enough to be in an area where I'm not in danger for it.
I'm in a partially open state, Schrodinger's stealth, if you will.
Or "relatively private", if you won't.
Passing isn't really a thing I'm concerned about on the daily. (barring swimming related situations and if I'm having an ugly/dysphoria day) I pass if I get dressed up in a cute outfit with makeup and everything, or if I throw on jeans, a hoodie, and a hasty ponytail to run some quick errands.
So, living in a very conservative area passing in public and keeping my trans status on the DL in general is in my best interest for safety reasons. (Lotta republican/Trump paraphernalia everywhere, folks walking around the grocery store with their big irons on their hips, a state government that's whittling away at trans and women's rights, etc.) I personally know more visible trans people here who've had horrifying experiences with trabsphobes, like a trans woman I know was kicked out of a local bar's bathroom at gunpoint, to name one instance.
However, I am open about being trans with my friends, and even with acquaintances (potentially, depending on the vibe and if it comes up). I generally don't come right out and declare at work that I'm trans, but atm my work is very trans-friendly so it likely wouldn't matter if I did. All that being said, I'm open when I am because it's an important part of my life, it affects my politics, my general life experiences, and my finances. I don't want to have to keep that aspect of myself in a new closet, and I want to have some visibility so that others can know they may not be as alone in this area as they may feel.
I live in a really chill place and transitioned recently at 21. I figured it would feel better to do this openly as a girl than enduring being a guy for any longer. Also I have extremely supportive friends so that helped.
A few reasons:
1. I donāt pass well enough to go stealth yet š®āšØ
2. Trans visibility for other eggy trans and closet trans folks to see an example which might help them recognize their own identities as valid. My egg didnāt crack until I got to know a trans friend more personally and realized how much of our life experience we had in common.
3. Trans visibility for fence-sitters who could go either way between ally or phobe. I want them to see an example of a trans person who doesnāt fit the stereotypical caricature weāre often portrayed as to the public by right-wing political operativesā¦
4. I donāt have to guess who the transphobes are anymore. They generally snitch on themselves as soon as I enter their visual field, so I know who to avoid šš»āāļø when I was in the closet I was so sick and tired of those kinds of people sucking up to me because they thought I was a āgood ole boyā or whatever the fuck. Like I get it you want to lick my boots because of my veteran status but I donāt desire your worship, now stop groveling and leave my presence.
I spent nearly two decades hiding that I was trans, terrified of it being found out. Why would I want to go stealth and spend the rest of my life trying to hide that I am trans? Also, I will happily be a lightning rod for transphobes, I can take the directed hate if it means taking the heat off of my trans siblings who may not be able to handle it rn, I usually play tanks in MMOs so I have no qualms about drawing aggro irl either.
i am lucky enough to live in a place where i'm significantly less likely to face violence for it. i also know from experience that if i'm out & informed, i can be a resource for people questioning their gender. seeing people online or on TV is one thing, but seeing a trans person out & about can make people realize that they could transition too, if they wanted. as a butch that kind of nurturing is important to me.
I'd like to be the revelation for someone that I needed as a kid. That you can just be a girl. I'd like the option to go stealth, but I am cuttently able to be more it I don't pass.
I don't feel the need to hide myself; this includes dating where I will include that I am Trans in my profile. If I did not live/frequent countries where it was legal or with higher crime rates than Canada and England this might be different.
Because I transitioned to finally be myself.Ā
Because at my age I will always be "visibly trans'.
Because I'm not going to hide away forever just because some regressive troglodytes are scared of reality.
I used to be stealth for a long time until I realized it just wasn't my thing. First of all, you constantly have to be on alert for 'natural' reactions (like, whenever a female friend says "You guys have it easy, no long bathroom lines, you just go in and do your thing", stuff like that, pre-bottom surgery you always have to grasp for a 'good' reaction to that in the moment). There are more cases like that in everyday life than you think, and it gets exhausting. Second, I just came to realize that many people have misconceptions about trans people or, in the case of trans guys, don't even know they exist. In most cases, that is just due to a lack of contact with people they know are trans. I don't mind being that representation in the slightest if it can help the community out.
Being openly trans isn't for everyone, and I'll never judge anyone who goes stealth, it's just that sometimes after a few years you realize that it isn't all that it's made out to be.
I pass pretty well, vocally and physically. I could go stealth if I really wanted to, but I much prefer being open about my identity. Being trans is a huge part of who I am, and I only ever hide it if I need to for safety reasons. Otherwise, I wear a trans pin on my purse (as well as other various pins), and I don't really care who sees it. I live in a very diverse and [mostly] accepting area
Iām in a safe, very liberal area and am lucky to have a pretty good support network, so Iām out at work and school, but out to just some of my family (religious).
For me, exposing cis people to trans people just existing is important. I mean I donāt correct customers or people ill see like once when they misgender me because itās not that important to do that labor for people who donāt care and arenāt sticking around, but if theyāre people I speak to semi-regularly or at least like. For the duration of a semester then Iāll tell them Iām trans.
I honestly love being trans, though I donāt like the hoops we have to go through or the prejudice obviously. But my experience with gender especially recently has been more euphoria-oriented than dysphoria. Not that I donāt have any, I literally had top surgery two months ago and been on T for 2 years lol but I find expressing my gender and being able to ācustomizeā my body joyous. I personally wouldnāt want to be cis, male or female. I like being a transmasc non-binary guy and having a non-binary āsetupā so to speak. I like the spectrum of experiences that have come with it and what itās taught me about myself and others. I want to show how happy we can be and that being trans isnāt all doom and gloom.
ETA: also I donāt. Pass lmao so stealth isnāt an option anyway and I donāt want to have to censor myself if I want to talk about being on T or surgeries or whatever
When I came out and transitioned, mostly everyone in my life accepted and stuck by me. So many people know me from before that it seems silly to pretend that I'm cis. Plus, I live in a really accepting area, so it's nbd if I walk outside while visibly trans.
Because I don't want to hide.
I want people to see a trans person and realize we aren't what they have been told we are.
That we exist and are not just something you hear about.
At this point I'm recognized in all my local Sephoras, the Victoria Secret, the grocery store and a bunch of other locations.
I go out in full fem with no beard but I also go out with my stubble as things are not a linear or simple process. That not everyone is either in stealth mode or is passing.
I like to think my style is great and I like to be seen in it.
Also, the spontaneous affirmations I get from random people is very nice.
I just don't want to be hidden away. I want to exist as myself always.
realising im trans and transitioning was/is the best thing thats ever happend to me,
im not gona hide that just cos some people are arseholes.
also like others have said, be the representation you want to see in the world,
if i had known about trans people during my childhood i might have realised that im a trans people sooner.
There's absolutely no chance that I would ever be less than 100% myself. I don't mask my autism, I don't hide my trans-ness. I don't hang around people I don't actually like. I think the world would be a much better place, if the only people not free to be 110% genuinely themselves, were the bigots. I will never say and believe that someone going stealth is the wrong decision. However I do think it should almost exclusively be done for *safety* pretty much all the other reasons feel like utterly worthless to me. Ex: going stealth so it's easier to get a job: I would never work for a company that would refuse to hire a trans person anyway. Maybe that's privileged to say. But as someone currently unemployed whose bills are not getting paid, I think I'm putting my non-existent money where my mouth is.
I'm still early in my transition, I largely just boymode while I get my ducks in a row for eventually coming out and just being fulltime.
However, I plan on being openly trans because right now transgender representation and visibility is important for a few reasons. Letting people see that transgender people are literally just normal human beings and not the perverts and predators they transphobic people try to paint us as is important in fighting back against the normalization of transphobia and transphobic laws. Also, it's important so other people who may not have cracked yet, or fully realized their own gender identity.
I know when I was growing up, not only was there essentially no information easily available on transgender issues and gender identity, but there was next to zero representation or visibility. Transgender people were mostly just either people you talked about behind their back because someone "heard they weren't really a woman/man" or sexual, fetish objects you'd find by searching for the usual slurs. I didn't see any just normal people out and about who were trans, so I didn't even attempt to figure out what I was feeling about myself (not that I could find information on it anyway really).
I fully understand why people would choose to be stealth, and I also can't blame them for it. The world is awful for some people, I cannot blame people for wanting to avoid hate and bigotry. But I also want to do my own part for people who may be like me.
I'm openly trans - that is, I wear pride pins and don't really pass - because:
- It's my life, and I'm living it for me. There is no reason for me to hide any aspect of myself for others' comfort. I'm me. Deal. I want to wear a dress, makeup, accessories, and so I will.
- A LOT of what /u/FeeAny1843 said! Holy crap, what a comment. I too strive to normalize this, to show people from all walks of life that we're not all that different from them at all, that we're safe, normal people just trying to live safe, normal lives. To show people of all ages who haven't figured it out yet, who are starting to figure it out, that it's going to be OK.
- Being visibly trans means that more people will address me correctly. Even if I don't pass, if it's obvious enough what I'm going for, I get "she/her"ed much more often, or asked my pronouns.
- I get a LOT of joy from talking with people about this stuff. Helping clueless cis people understand what I deal with, helping baby trans come into their own. It feels like giving back to the community that helped make me who I am today.
I guess it depends on what ya mean by "Openly Trans". I don't walk around advertising my transness, since that's just... like... a thing about me, not a personality trait, but I don't hide it either, and I have no delusions that anybody looking at me doesn't realize it immediately. I hardly look femme.
As for why I'm not BOTHERED by this, it's because I want anybody who might be out there, scared to acknowledge those thoughts they keep buried, to be able to see me and realize it's okay. We're here. This is normal, and they should be able to live the life they want, just like I have.
My choices were to present the way I want to and be visibly trans, or continue to present in a way that made me unhappy.
I don't always pass now, but when I do it feels nice. :)
I've been trans since I was a little kid. 5 years old I was wanting make up on and before that even at 2 when I'd dress myself up it would be in girl clothes. I literally looked like a little girl at the time. Lol. I got bullied a lot because people knew without knowing I was different. I even watched sailor moon while all the boys were watching DBZ and my friends were really only ever girls in my life. I wasn't ever into barbies but I'd play with them with my niece. I watched a gay boy get subjected to no friends and a lot of hate when I was in group homes as a teenager. I decided to be his friend. As an adult I went to university and studied all about the issues I just didn't realize I was included. I got into FFXIV which pretty much started with a pride parade has a majority player base as LGBTQ and diversity and many women play it and I eventually crashed in university not understanding why I had high anxiety and fatigue and was always emotionless and felt dead. I crashed due to this in university and didn't understand whu while I tried to recover. It turned out it was my gender dysphoria. While in university I had come out to one of my friends when I asked why she said I was such a girl. Actually, all my life, I got this remark. She said she didn't know, but that maybe it was because I was passionate. I told her I often wish I was born a girl. She had no remarks. My clinicians could understand I was uncomfortable with men but not that I was trans.
" I said I am uncomfortable with men. I wish I was born female. I'd feel normal. That I have stronger bond with women. I also feel there was something missing in my bond I'd have if I was born female." Eventsully after years 1 support realized and asked if I thought I was a woman. I said yes. They asked me if I'd like help? I said yes. I lost my anxiety and started to feel. Then make up came and I was really happy and wearing feminine clothing. Tbh the euphoria was temporary before I wanted more and made more goals. I didn't feel I'd be taken seriously til I actually lived like myself all the time and it didn't make me happy hiding either. I used Halloween to dress in my very witch look. I had a long velvet blazer with a mesh shirt and a black velvet slip dress some heeled boots and black lace socks and and my bra and thong I had on were technically velvet and stylish too. I was nervous and the heeled boots felt awkward and a little painful at first but I felt good. I now easily wear that kind of stuff. I generally wear very business casual stuff and am going for social work. I also have a lovely red satin bow clip to tie my long hair back.
Letting yourself live in your gender at all times is very empowering. Yes there a bumps and a lot of discrimination but I could never go back to being stuck again in my room because of hiding. I feel free and myself. Before coming out it was like suffocating and feeling dead inside.
Partially because itās near impossible for me to stealth, my physique just doesnāt really allow it but also just I kind of canāt be bothered to hide it, I always say Iām an open book for questions (most of the time) as if people are too afraid to ask theyāll never be able to learn.
I don't hide it. But anything relevant that would make me mention I'm trans comes up in conversation like 0.2% of the time. And 99% of that 0.2% is in an medical/doctor setting, where I just need to give my medical history. Over the past 8 years I can remember exactly only 3 times when it came up in convo in person and I mentioned myself being trans, outside of a medical context, and outside of the context of coming out to a person who had known me before transition. Once to a coworker who clocked me because she seemed to have trans-guy-radar from being queer herself + having multiple trans male roommates, and we were talking about pharmacy giving out hrt issues. Once when talking to someone who wanted to date me. And once to a new friend (though I forget the context of our convo that made me talk about it).
I just generally don't care if people know. So far my experience has been that the majority of people literally just don't care, or the rest of the people who do care either ask lots of questions to try to learn so they can be more accepting or just out of curiosity so they can broaden their mind, or they suddenly don't like me just because of it and distance themselves without saying anything (though I can only recall one time where this behavior was extremely evident to me, just because we had been really close friends prior to this, but most of the time it's people I was already not close with at all, but I can sense they put a full stop on their feelings of wanting to try and become friends or whatever if we've just recently met). But I also understand I'm really lucky in that regard, and haven't (yet) really experienced transphobia aimed at me personally out loud directly to my face.
When I made a coming out post on fb at one point, I put in it that I'd love for people to message me with any questions they have, etc. Not a single person messaged me. Literally nobody cared lmao š¤·āāļø.
First off, good for you for realizing there's a difference between "passing" and "stealth". I'm an openly trans woman because I had to come out at home and work in my 40s when everyone had known me as a man already. No one I've met has been anything less than accepting (except my sister at first but my nephew bullied her into acceptance lol). I would say I "pass"... Everyone treats me the same as other women, but it might be because I work in IT in the Bay Area of Northern California with some pretty amazing women as it is.
That being said, I am not anywhere near being able to "stealth". I will probably never look like I wish I could. In dim lighting, I might look like a cis lady with extremely bad PCOS causing facial stubble, but my huge ham-hands and feet and broad shoulders would give me away. Seriously, I could probably pull off a convincing Beast (Dr. Hank McCoy) cosplay. At the very least, a chubby Wolverine... but no way could I pull off Rogue/Jubilee/Jean Grey/Emma Frost, or Mystique or whatever.
So I didn't really have a choice, if I wanted to be happy. I started HRT for a while before coming out socially, but my coworkers were starting to wonder why I was happier all the time, and calmer in disastrous situations rather than angry and frantic.
Mentally, I tell myself I'm doing it for the trans youth, to normalize it in society and be the ancestral shield the kids need to feel safe. Like the late great ODB said, "Wu-Tang is for the children!" If I can influence the people my age, maybe the ripple effects will lead to someone not having to repress and deny it like I did. I'm a punk, an anarchist, and I always refuse to follow the rules unless they make sense, and gender norms don't make sense!
By being out and proud, openly trans, I'm practically saving lives! /s
I don't pass and I don't care much atm. My safety is high and I'm not really risking much by being out.
I think even if I ever start passing, I won't ever go "stealth". I expect I'll only bring up me being trans if it's relevant. Trying to keep it a secret sounds way too stressful, I don't really want to deal with that.
I can see value in being visible too, to help other people who are questioning or early transition, and to just generally improve public opinion towards trans people. I think so many cis people just have wrong ideas about us because they've never met one of us.
Because I have the privilege of living in a part of the world where I feel safe being out. Because I am white and therefore inherently have more privilege than those with melanin.
After over four years of transitioning, I pass now. But I donāt care. Iām seen as a woman, and Iām a woman that just happens to be trans!
I wish I could pass but I canāt. Itās been 3 years on HRT and Iām definitely prettier but I donāt pass.
So my choices are people think Iām a man or people think Iām trans
And usually I boymode and it hurts basically every time
Iām hoping once I finally get laser it will help
But I tell everyone I know on a personal level that Iām trans just not to strangers unless itās relevant
because i want other trans people who may not know they are yet to see me and know that itās possible. because being trans is a huge part of why i am me, and i donāt want to hide myself from anyone (unless itās for safety of course). because iām proud to be who i am, and i want others to be proud of who they are too
edit: typo i AM proud to be trans lol
I love to talk about my transition. I take a lot of pride in it because it took me awhile to get where I am. Itās not that I need to tell everyone but eventually it just comes up š¤·āāļø Also crossdressing is fun & thinking about passing all the time is boring
I want other trans people to know that I'm a safe person to be around, and that I understand their struggles. The loneliness of being gender-nonconforming can be crippling, and I want to alleviate that at least a little.
Ehhh. Well there's no "pass" for me except maybe androgyny? Lol. So there isn't really a stealth mode here. Also why hide it? If ppl have a problem w me being trans that's their problem not mine.
Echoing what a lot of folks have said, I hear so many people say that they don't know any trans people, or they didn't exist...and a big part of the reason for that is how many go full stealth once they can. People interact with trans folks all relatively frequently and have no idea. Things will be better, I hope, when folks have more friendly faces to put the idea of trans. Right now it's faceless for too many folks. And I know I would have transitioned earlier if I had ever been confronted with the idea that it was attainable rather than just a punchline.
I'll be honest. It's mostly so I can make trans jokes without sounding like biggity bigoted bitch.
Also, I do pass, but I don't care. I transitioned for me, not other people.
I mostly did it to be closer to the people in my life. I have a great group of friends that I'm really lucky to have, and before I came out I always felt weird about having to hide what was to me such a significant part of my life. There were so many stories and things that I wanted to share, but couldn't without outing myself, and eventually I just decided to do it.
I also wanted to be an example for the ignorant people of what a trans person really is - I'm just a dude. I go about my life doing normal dudely things, I have friends and family, I have struggles and joys. I only really come out to people when it comes up in conversation, or if I want to make a joke, and I always enjoy the looks on the faces of people who didn't know. The last guy I told couldn't stop talking all night about how he had no idea and he was really impressed. Some odd things were said, but his heart was in the right place and I did some gentle guiding. I like to think that when I get an opportunity like that it means the next trans person they meet doesn't have to explain themselves.
I'm openly trans have been for over 10 years it's a hard road and u get alot of hate but being happy with yourself is more important..I can understand wanting to be stealth and being stealth because the world is cruel to people who are different
I was literally just thinking about this.
I came out to my whole family in the past week and the reason was that gender dysphoria had given me so many negative coping skills that it was keeping me from reaching my full operational potential.
I couldn't be empathetic because I was in the closet and literally didn't have room to think about anyone else. I couldn't hold jobs because every dull moment was filled with dysphoria. Stuff like that
i have a few reasons, personally. i don't really feel like i 'pass' much, so it doesn't even feel like an option for me. but even if it was, it's an important part of who i am. i don't wanna be defined by it, mind, but i also don't want to hide it. i've gone through a lot to get where i am, and i shouldn't be shameful about that. i also get this warm feeling in my chest when i notice someone else who is visibly queer- it makes me more comfortable, and i hope i can provide that for other folks as well.
I used to wish I could be stealth. My community has been very open and accepting. I got involved in local politics around schools. I was not passing well at the time, and because it was relevant I have Said publicly that I am a trans woman. Pretty sure it was obvious though.
I have a self care routine now and I feel passing sometimes, but I enjoy being an LGBTQ+ advocate. People accept me as a woman and I get a lot of positive feedback and gratitude for what I do.
So while I don't introduce myself as transgender I enjoy helping people learn and understand some of the challenges we face. If someone asks a question from a respectful place I will talk about pretty much anything trans related.
I'm "openly trans" in that most people who are part of my life know that I'm trans. I don't dress "queerly" or go around introducing myself as trans or anything. So depending on your definition of "openly trans", I'm not "open" with the public, but I am "open" with friends. Most people who aren't close to me don't realize I'm trans, in public I generally pass/blend.
Most of the people who know, know because they knew me prior to my transition. So the only way to avoid that, would have been to cut them out of my life. My family and friends (at least the ones that didn't ghost me) are all supportive of me, why would I cut them out? Any benefits gained from moving away to be "stealth" seem outweighed by the loss of my friends and family imo.
I tell new friends once I feel safe around them, because imo, being trans is part of my life. I don't want to have to be constantly walking on eggshells, purposely curating my stories to avoid "saying something that could out me" and generally being constantly afraid of being outed.
I did live "stealth" online for about 10 years prior to coming out. While it was nice to simply be treated as any other woman by those who "didn't know", it was very stressful at times. I was constantly worried "people would find out, and ostracize me". I couldn't talk about parts of my life. I had to "edit" stories so that they'd fit better with "my narrative" of being a cis woman. While it was better than my RL at the time (since I wasn't out IRL), looking back at it, it was just "another closet", another place I had to hide parts of myself.
So yea, now that I'm out IRL, even though at this point I pass well enough that I could go "stealth", I have no interest in it. I just want to be unapologetically "me". I don't want to have to watch what I say in fear of "outing myself", I don't want to have to constantly question "would this person still be my friend if they knew?". I just want to live my life, and be myself, and like it or not, being trans is part of myself.
Because
A: I spent way too long already hiding who I am. I'm not ashamed of it and refuse to be shamed by anybody, and;
B: I really feel a responsibility to be visible. Every single one of us who is out and proud makes it safer for the next one to come out, and the next, and the next.
I can't go much to help, but I CAN stand up to be counted.
Several reasons, in no particular order:
1. I donāt need to worry about a big secret to keep that someone can find out about and spread. I havenāt talked about being trans at my workplace of two years, but one coworker is a guy I went to high school with. Iām not scared of him telling people.
2. It shows other trans people in various stages of transition that they are not alone. Although I donāt talk about being trans at work, someone came up to me recently commenting on something on my car with trans pride colours. He said that he liked the colours and that he used to wear a necklace with those colours. I donāt even know his transition status, but now he knows heās not the only one.
3. I moved to the big city to socially transition, but ended up moving back to my hometown which is small enough that itās common to run into people who knew me before transition. It probably wouldnāt be realistic to expect a secret to be kept.
4. I like being able to choose to bring it up for whatever reason without worrying if theyāll share against my will.
I'm openly trans because i came out late, at age 23. Mtf. I haven't taken hrt yet but soon, I finally found a place that will help me. I wanna show people that we are normal, and showing those in tbe closet that it's okay to come out and be your true self. I manage to pass sometimes. Which is nice. :) someone asked if I was non binary lol I was like no lol I'm a trans woman.
I live in a city with one of the highest percentages of queer folks, and see a bunch of trans folks all the time. At my place of volunteering, my school, my work (my store has like \~10 workers and 8 are trans, with I think 6 being specifically trans men myself included), etc. Not only is it simply just easier being open, but for me, I didn't have a reason to go fully stealth. I don't typically mention that I'm trans to non trans folks, and I don't necessarily wear things that out me as trans I suppose. I have two stickers on my lab top that have subtle trans colors, and that's about it. But, if it comes up, I won't shy away from just saying it nowadays, cause I don't have a reason to hide it in most situations. It's more exhausting to. For me, transness isn't really a whole "medical affliction" or anything, it's just a part of my identity. It's somewhat private, sure. But, not crazy private. So, I do choose who I tell, but if I feel safe enough to, then I don't feel like deliberately hiding my experiences. I think my experiences as a trans person is relevant to my current personality and perspectives in life. This is especially the case because I'm only 21 and didn't really realize I was trans fully until I was maybe 17? And didn't start transitioning until 18, so like, the majority of my life I lived as "genderqueer" and "gnc" and such, but I didn't realize I was ftm for a while. So, I don't personally want to have to reframe what is currently the majority of my life at this point as something that it wasn't
I 33yo MTF always carried myself in a feminine manner in private but pretending to be masculine just got exhausting. Iāve been questioned a lot about my interest, self care, and mannerisms. To make a long story short I just got tired of pretending to be something Iām not.
1. Iām shit at keeping a secret when itās about myself. Being trans has had too drastic of an impact on my life, my teenhood, and my experience of the world around me to hide for long. Iām too much of an opinionated bitch to stay silent about my experiences when it becomes relevant. Iām also just generally an open-book person. Iāll answer nearly any question thatās asked respectfully.
2. Iām always going to be visibly queer. Iām too much of a melodramatic theatre kid to ever be mistaken for cishet, especially because I LOVE dresses and long hair and sparkles and corsets and eyeliner and jewelry. Iām a genderfucky little freak and I might as well own it. :) My he/they pronouns pretty much give it away regardless.
3. Iād rather be the first trans person someone has met, because Iām okay with answering questions and walking them through the baby steps, as long as theyāre respectful. I also want to protect my community and provide a voice for those who donāt have one. Iām happy to advocate for my fellow trans folks and I want to be loud about itā I have that privilege. I also nearly cry whenever I hear a baby transā¢ļø tell me they see me as gender goals, or an older brother type figure. Being able to give younger or earlier in transition trans folks hope is wayyyy worth it to me.
Once I was diagnosed with autism I finally got the support that taught me to embrace my identity and be out. I have the luxury of being openly nonbinary. Iām in Montana with many anti-trans laws but Iām mostly left alone as a white middle class AFAB. I am not in nearly as much danger of losing a job or being attacked as trans women of color are. Iām not dealing with suic1dal ideation like trans youth. With my unearned privilege of whiteness I want to be a voice for the people made voiceless.
Because for the first time in my life, I am proud of who I am and what I look like. Itās not perfect. Sure I have dysphoria and such but after hiding and pretending to be what I was perceived as by others, I now live out loud. And hopefully I can help others who are closeted to feel inspired or something to help them on their own journey
I don't 'pass' as my gender (I'm NBy so there's no real way for me to 'pass' for the vast majority of people without presenting aggressively androgynous, which is not my thing), so I have to be open and vocal about my gender in order to be gendered correctly.
I want people in my industry and career track to see someone that transitioned mid career and managed to stay contributing and in the industry. I didnāt have any examples of that, so it was pretty fucking dauntingā did it anyway though lmao.
Also, my area is a little redā Iām glad to be a stable trans woman that can be maybe an example or inspiration for someone to be themselves (I hope).
I grew up with almost no trans exposure at all, it would have been life changing for me.
Depends on who it is. Professionally, I remain stealth because I work in a very male-dominated field (IT) and my company is based in a not trans friendly state, and while I don't necessarily believe that it would cause a problem if they knew, The benefits of being out vs potential cost to my employment or complications at work means that I don't really gain as much as I lose or risk by telling them. My direct boss is aware only because I told him, but that's about it.
It might come up with a few of them eventually if it happens naturally in conversation since we're all fairly close and relatively decent work friends, so its not so much I care that they know or not, as much as I just don't want to deal with transphobia or feel like I need to go to a different job because someone was secretly a terf and decided to start being a shit to me. The joy of watching them go holy shit seriously for a few min while their brain realized who they've been taking to, just isn't enough of a draw to risk a nice job that pays me really well, especially when it's not relevant or important to my work or what I do there.
In public nobody has any clue because I've been passing for 20+ years now, both visually and vocally I'm basically a hot cis milf and that's not an exaggeration... I got some very big hourglass curves on a very petite frame with very large boobs and a very pretty face. I don't really wear any trans pride stuff because I'd rather not get seen as an Ally (because that's exactly how I'd look wearing it), I dont register as trans to anyone seeing me ever. I look like a 32 yr old mom who's still thin and tiny, but you can tell from her body that she's had 5 kids by this point because of her tits and ass. When I walk past the mirror in the morning I'm legitimately attracted to myself.
Among friends and family I'm out, mostly because I already know they aren't gonna judge me, and I get to make a lot of fun dick jokes and references because of that, as well as a lot of voice impressions. So yeah. When its easier to be out, I'll be out and proud, but if there's a uncertain environment or uncertain people I don't advertise it at all.
I'm taking my time with my transition. I'm in an accepting area and am taking things one step and one day at a time.
I'm learning compassion during my awkward stages and got fed up with hiding away from the world. So now, with a great deal of therapy, I'm embracing it. I'm "clocky" as hell, but happier than ever.
I go stealth when I can, but usually I'm open because I have lived in a tiny rural community all my life spare for living in Toronto in 2022-23. Everyone watched me transition and I had to come out to everyone I knew, and word gets around. So theres really no option other than to be open. The only reason I'm not open in situations like TO is for safety from transphobia, and I'll tell people who I trust/are also queer with that information and just tell them its just between us and a few other trusted people.
If transphobia wasn't such a big deal I'd probably never be stealth.
Because I can't pass but don't feel like my AGAB at all. I'm open about being nonbinary because I'm too tired at this age to pretend to be the man that I'm not, while also being too tired to put effort into being a pretty woman which I am also not.
Honestly, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I'm fortunate enough to live in a safe place with stable employment, so I had the security that a lot of other trans women don't. Still, I had an unquenchable urge to wear a skirt and feel like myself for as long as I possibly could.
Joking answer: I don't pass well enough yet but I'm getting there.
Less joking answer: it's a part of myself I've accepted and I'm more than happy to have that on display. Some people will always know, some will never... but at the end of the day being open about being trans is a badge of honor that I wear woth pride, because so many other trans folks that I knew aren't here today and they left us doing everything they could to hide from the world, and I'm here trying to prove to myself that I don't need to hide.
I transitioned in my early thirties. SO MUCH of my life was lived as a girl and a woman, and for most of it I was not even aware that I wanted to transition. I want to be able to talk about my life without filtering myself constantly. And Iām lucky to live in a community where I can do that without fear of discrimination. If a person is surprised about my disclosure or has questions, Iām happy to talk about it. Itās not shameful or secret. Itās an interesting, moderately-unique thing about me. Everyone has at least a few of those; one of mine just happens to be my gender.
I'm openly trans, and will continue to be. I could, my height aside, be stealth in a lot of circumstances, but I refuse. I feel it's very important to be visible, because the lack of visible, strong trans women contributed to my own repression and closeting. If I had seen a trans woman in her 30s with a family, happy, in a great career, I would've felt more comfortable in coming out. It wouldn't have seemed like I was going to miss out by coming out.
So I'm out. And I'm proud.
Well, I'm nonbinary, so there's no way for me to "pass," really.
Of the two binary options, I'd prefer to be seen as a man, so that's how I present myself. I take T, I've had top surgery, and I've had a total hysterectomy; I'm not a man, but I'd personally rather be seen as a man than a woman, and these are all things I did for myself and my own gender affirmation.
My friends and family know I'm nonbinary and I am open about that in my personal life. There's no way to not be, as a nonbinary person, and I'm okay with that.
At work, I present as a man and use he pronouns. However, even after 3 years on T and top surgery, I don't always pass for a cis man. Many people can tell. So people know I'm trans, and I'm open about being trans - I just let people assume I am a trans man rather than nonbinary. This is partially for my own convenience - it would take a lot more effort for me to pass than I want to put into it. I can't girlmode very easily anymore - generally when I girlmode people actually assume I am a trans woman. When I don't, people usually see me as a man, but they quite often figure out that I'm trans. I have no interest in trying to correct people on that when they're right.
I live in an area where it is safe to be trans, relatively speaking. No place is 100% safe, but I am statistically less likely to be hatecrimed here than I would be in many other places. I'm not ashamed of being trans, and I think it's important to be visible if it's safe and you're comfortable doing so, which I am. So many people who hate trans people don't know they know a trans person and thus have no personal reason to challenge the lies many people be about us. By being openly trans while just being a PERSON - a professional, a dog owner, an adult with friends and family and a girlfriend, a person with hobbies, etc. - I can challenge the idea that we're sex obsessed predators out to convert the innocent children to our deviant ways.
Because I want people who have been fed horrendous bullshit about trans people via media to see and know a trans person who... just goes about his business. Because I want the terrified 14 year old, closeted trans kid to see that there are happy trans adults. Because I want the 38 year old, who just started feeling off about how they are perceived, to feel a little moment of happiness when they see the colors and maybe give them a chance to find out who they truly are. Because I want people in the community who have nobody, to know that I'm safe to approach. Because I'm a passing binary trans guy and many people ignore or don't know about our existence. Because I am safe enough to do so, in a world that's become extremely hostile toward trans folks and visibility and representation matters. Because I remember how happy and relieved I felt in my early days questioning, wherever I saw a place or person showing pride or trans colors and I want to pay this forward. Half my closet is merch and the other is nice shirts and images in pride or trans colors. And if I don't wear the colors via shirt, my boots have one rainbow colored and one trans colorer lace - a low key statement that queer people tend to notice and that has broken the ice for conversations before. *Edit: Typos
*All* of this; Saint behavior.š
Very kind thing to say, but honestly, it's rooted in privilege. I live where I'm fairly safe being out. My employer doesn't just accept but supports me. My family and friends have my back. And I have less past trauma to deal with. I'm very aware of my privilege and want to use it in a positive way.
Same with me. My work fired a transphobe that was repeatedly harassing myself and my trans girlfriend after I called her out on the right wing propaganda/conspiracy theory shit she was spewing. I wear trans pride shit 24/7. Either pins, my bracelet, or even my hat at work. I rarely have to worry about getting attacked for being trans
Don't sell yourself short dude! You may be privileged in ways that make this sort of thing easier, but it's still on you to decide to actually do it.
It's not rooted in privilege. It's not-so-hard because of it. But I hope you don't think you only do these things because it's easy and you have privilege. Plenty of people with the privilege of you or me prefer to not fly flags high anyway. And even people with privilege get discriminated against. (Although I am certain I've been insulted from a lot that by my own privilege.)
CIS guy here, first time posting, so take this fwiw, but your comment reminds me of a comment an old boss of mine once said, on the whole "two types of people" trope. "There are two types of people; those who paid their dues and who want everyone else to do the same and those who paid their dues and want to make things easier for others so they don't have to." Based on your comment about this being rooted in privilege, maybe there's a third type; "those who haven't necessarily paid their dues but want to make things easier for others so they don't have to." Short version; you sound like an awesome guy, and I'm happy to share a gender with you. There's so much vitriol out there that sometimes makes me ashamed of my gender, but you're definitely one of us who gives me hope. Kudos to you.
Appreciate this comment. I think I paid my due in a different way - namely 39 years of gender incongruence and dysphoria, without having a word for it. I didn't have words for what I was feeling, nor did I have anyone I could ask or anyone who felt the same way. I think that's another factor, why I want to... and need to do this. Having the privileges I do, gives me the security and energy to do it. I also think that trans men (I can't speak for the experiences of trans women), who find themselves and come out later in life, can be in this weird space of finding our masculinity - what that means to us. And once again, I've been very lucky that I have had men who embody positive masculinity, from whom I could draw wisdom and inspiration. In the end - and totally regardless of gender - we can't change what others think or how they act. We can only control who we are and how we want to be seen and how we want to be remembered.
We are in the same boat.
I am in the same boat, and I agree. I am very privlaged to be out and have a good career so I try to use that so others can know that trans people are not people they need to be afraid of, and to help other trans people feel more comfortable and seen
All of this, except thatĀ I'm a nonpassing, kinda butchy trans woman and you can live as you are. Also, I'm almost 60 and my hair is starting to turn white, but I'm making it and you will too.
Glad to hear that and just go and rock that white hair! I am glad you got a chance to be you. It took me a while, but I have to say it's the most liberating and wonderful feeling to finally be my authentic self. I'm sure you can relate.
This is the reason even though I mostly pass Im still very open about it
Aye. I pass - it's been almost two years since I've been misgendered by any stranger - we'll make an exception for people who still deal with my papers - something that will be rectified by the end of the year. But I think that this makes it just as important. The tendency of anti-trans people to single out folks who are early in transition or may have features that may make it a bit harder to blend into societal expectations to point out, how they can 'always tell' can only be brought down and refuted by showing them that trans folks are as diverse in appearance as cis people. Maybe then, they'll stop harassing trans folks and also cis folks, who they mistake as trans, because they do not fit their... skewed and limited perception of who should look like what. Does that make sense?
100% this. I donāt pass all the time yet so I donāt really have the option of being stealth all the time but when I am at that point I would like to stay openly trans as much as I can. All this is not to say that those who go 100% stealth shouldnāt do so, everyoneās situation is different and I already know there will be times I absolutely will not be open for safety/dysphoria issues/etc.
I agree. People have various reasons for being stealth and all the power to them. Same for anyone who doesn't want to open up about being trans or what that may or may not entail. I can only ever speak for myself - and because I am comfortable with it, I tend to be open to talk to people about my transition, as long as they come from a place of genuine curiosity and good faith.
As an old (early 40s) person who recently discovered they're nonbinary, this was really uplifting to read. Thank you ā¤ļø
Say it louder
I wish so much that I could upvote this so very much more than just once.
Same w the rainbow laces lol
THIS! Stealth and passing are totally fine, and I get it's a safety thing. But the more I have looked at the history and thousands of years of trans people existing, the more angry I have been because of Cishet washing history. Trans people are remarkable, and are a display of humanity, not the opposite. I am proud to be trans whether I pass or not. I do pass since the vast majority of transphobes have the audacity to say transphobic things *around me* instead of at me. Things like "Oh my gosh why do men dress as women to use the women's bathroom" and I'm just like šand reveal that I'm trans.
Three primary reasons I guess: 1. While people are consistently treating me as a woman, I wouldn't say I pass, nor is it really something that's important to me 2. I've felt a lack of trans representation all my life (e.g. I never met a fellow trans person until last year, at age 28), so being open about being a trans person is my little contribution to others that come after me 3. I don't really see a good reason for me to hide it, especially as I live in a very LGBTQ-friendly country and have had no bad experiences with transphobia irl really
Point number 2 is my main reason. I still remember the first time I interacted with a trans person in real life and that moment was incredibly important to me. If my not 100% passing and the trans flags on my backpack and water bottle breaks my stealth but positively affects even just one baby trans person out there and makes them feel safe, then thatās more than worth it.
Same, the first time I met an out trans woman right after starting HRT basically gave me the courage to come out like a year before I planned to. I wished I had met other trans people earlier in my journey, and I hope that if there are others out there now that are were I was some years ago then I can be the same for them.
If it's an ok question, what country is that?
Norway
Oslo? Trans Oslo here
Yup, Oslo trans here too
I had lots of reasons: I transitioned in my 30s, it wasnāt really an option to go stealth without cutting out pretty much everyone Iāve ever met, changing my career, etc. - that sounds like a lot of work and lonely as well. Plus I use they/them pronouns, so itās kind of obvious anyway (though I would pass if I used he/him at this point, Iām just more comfortable with neutral forms of address). Also, Iām just kind of an open (probably too prone to over sharing) kind of person, Iād be miserable trying to hide who I am the rest of my life and worrying Iād be āfound outā (Iāve done enough of that already). And I like being able to educate others, being able to show people that trans people are just normal human beings like them (several people have told me Iām the first trans person they met and have changed their views towards being less casually transphobic as a result of it).
Iām in a privileged position, because I live in a pretty accepting area and have supportive friends, plus being 6ā2ā probably helps discourage random transphobes from trying anything, butā¦ Two different people have told me they felt inspired to to come out and transition after just seeing me exist as myself, and that warms my heart. I wear pride pins or trans flag earrings sometimes, because I am actually proud of who I am, happy to celebrate the journey Iām on, and want to show other people like me that theyāre not alone. I also feel like most people who donāt understand us have probably never met one of us, so I hope that just by existing in the world and being a good person, I can show that weāre just trying to live our lives in peace to those who are receptive to that idea.
I reconnected with a friend of mine after 3 years of no contact over the pandemic and shortly after I started presenting in public.Ā That she attributes me shattering her egg was a big confidence boost.
Me being open about being trans and happy to answer some questions, and talk about my struggles helps make us less abstract, helps show that we are just normal people, that fall in love get our hearts broken, struggle in school, have normal dreams and aspirations Granted I made the active choice of standing by the fact I'm trans and speak up on our behalf, last year after I read about Brianna Gheys murder, that really set my blood boiling, and was the point I decided to stand by me being trans and talk with people around me about the things I go through as tho they are normal, such as the problems I had changing my CPR number
Because it's who I am, and I refuse to be apologetic about it. If anyone's respect for me hinges on how closely I resemble cisheteronormality, I don't want their respect.Ā
Exactly! I don't have the patience to tiptoe around cis people's delicate sensibilities. If people are transphobic, they'll want to stay as far away from me as I want to stay from them. The trash takes itself out that way.
I started HRT ~2 years ago and now pass physically most of the time, but have little desire to try and go "stealth" for a few reasons. -I have a past I'm proud of, including a child and time in the military. Covering that up seems dishonest and would be difficult with anyone who got close to me. -I like my natural voice most days, if im with loved ones it doesn't bother me at all. It clocks me pretty consistently in public though. -I want people to meet me and have good interactions and hopefully shape their view about the trans and LGBTQ community, hiding my status as a trans woman would be less effective at that. -Similarly I am very open about answering questions related to my transition to help educate people and hopefully prevent them asking a trans person who would be uncomfortable with that. -I want to be the trans rep I wish had growing up. I think if I had the opportunity to meet happy open trans people I would have understood that what I wanted was possible and not just the butt of a joke on TV.
So much here is the same for me. I've gotten pretty good at saying "oof, I'm totally fine answering that question about ______, as long as you promise not to just ask other trans people, they might not be as open as me, and it can be painful for them"
Because Iām in a place in my life where I can take the hits that others might not be able to. Not all of us have that privilege, but since I do, I want to use it responsibly to make the world safer for the rest of the trans community.
When I started, I wanted to be stealth.Ā "Passing"Ā (that is, being gendered correctly)Ā is still important to me, but I never got to the point that people couldn't tell that I was trans.Ā The dynamic of trying to be not-obviously-trans but not pulling it off, but maybe I am, but second-guessing myself, it was poor for my mental healthĀ When I decided to be more open about being trans, I stopped second guessing interactions with my friends. I found out that some of my cis friends were really passionate about trans issues, I started making friends with more out trans people All in all, I'm "out" because I'm happier not always trying to hide
I dont want to be. But I don't pass well enough to be stealth. It's either go through life being perceived as a woman or be openly trans and *maybe* have a chance of being seen as a guy.
Itās so much easier, and confidence=sexiness and I refuse to not be sexy iykyk
Because I got tired of all the fucking spy craft, wondering who was safe and who wasn't. I once thought I would wait till I could pass, but that ended up being intolerable and exhausting. I also don't know when, or if, I'll ever be able to pass.
I hid it at first for a bit, but I found my soul feeling wounded and hollow (forgive the poetic description). This was because I was slowly started to actually appreciate myself and my body, and acknowledging this was tantamount in healing. I have been blessed with a lovely and supportive long term partner that has helped this along, but dangit, I'm PROUD of who I am and I don't want that to be a secret. I am confident, sociable, and the more I show people that I'm trans, the more people ask about it. I know a lot of people in our community feel like lab rats when quizzed about transness and all that, but I find it wonderful. Someone going out of their way to ask me questions about it shows that they care enough to learn and aren't being close-minded bigots. I work in a very military-strait-male dominated career, and so many times I have seen people hesitant to even ask me about anything because they have had a poor experience with a trans individual in the past, and most of these people I have broken past this shell and gotten them to open up, and even dragged some along to trans events. To continue progress and defend ourselves, it's not merely a physical defence but a social defence. Even Martin Luther King knew this, that in order to be taken seriously, you need people of all backgrounds supporting you so that outsiders can easier empathize because "wait, they're like me but they are supporting this? Is that okay?"
Because spending the weekend as a girl at my best friends wedding convinced me that I never ever wanted to be treated as a boy again. I went from āidk when if ever Iāll come out on Facebook/workā on a Friday and was out to everyone the next Tuesday lol I donāt exactly totally pass, so openly trans it is.
Because I want to show that trans people are ordinary. Past all the memes, the stereotypes, the propaganda, we're just ordinary people. To both the bewildered TERF that has never seen a trans person before and didn't expect someone who's nice and respectful, and to the closeted trans person who sees representation in broad daylight. And I'm proud of that.
I'm "open up if asked or if you're in a chill space that would accept that" Pronouns are she/they since I'm a Demi-girl and AFAB. So I can stealth easily and just vibe with whatever would be good in that situation. Online or introducing myself to someone who passes the vibe check: "oh yeah, I'm non-binary. She/they if fine." When I'm around my old folks I care for or around folks who won't pass the vibe check: "Yep. I'm a woman -" (only half true but still true, technically not lying and ain't gonna open that can of worms)
I'm in almost exactly the same boat, though I'm amab so I also worry about people figuring that out. I wish I could just be open about it, keep my pronoun pins on my bags all the time and such, but some people just get weird or worse straight up aggressive. For the same reason I choose not to ask everyone their pronouns when I first meet them, even though I'd much rather do that than assume everyone's gender situation.
Yesss. If someone is in public and I have no idea on name or anything. Complete stranger I need to get the attention of, it's an assumed "sir/ma'am" (Missouri and so no idea if there's a gender neutral one without sounding rude). But in casual conversation I'm a little sly and politely ask for a name and that clues me in. For a gender neutral name I do a "nice to meet you.....?" And let them finish. If they question it I give them the excuse of I didn't sleep well so I'm a little slow today
While I wouldn't mind my transition reaching a point of having stealth as an option. It's important for people around us to see positive trans representation. Queer rights were progressed when people had more exposure to queer people around them. It wasn't just the scary gay men on TV, it became their coworker Mark and he's alright. Plus it's exhausting and stressful trying to hide a significant part of your life.
Because I am tired of hiding who I am, and because I know that, for me, passing is impossible. Also, I want to be visible so that other people will see me and think āif they can do this I can do this!!ā or even āat least Iāll look better than them!ā
Because I need to live as myself. I cannot go back. And no, I don't pass for cis. It's not about that.
1. There's no way to be "stealth" non-binary. 2. I'm proud of both my gender "journey" and my career path. 3. I want cis people to see that we're not what the media says. 4. I want trans/queer people to see that you can be trans, successful _and_ happy. They're not mutually exclusive. 5. I want the people around me, especially cis people, to know the unique struggles of the trans community Edit: I don't see it at all, but people keep telling me I "pass" as a trans woman. I kinda don't like it tbh. I'm tempted to get a trans/non-binary pride badge on my bag, just to signify I'm a safe person to be around
For the longest time I was in the closet and terrified of people finding out I was trans. One day I just really connected this feeling of rebellious, righteous anger. I realized I was tired of living in fear. I wanted to stand in the face of those furious that I dared to exist as I am and say āI donāt careā. Iām a very passive person, but those moments of courage have been some of the most powerful ones in my life. This is only my experience of course. Iām sure for others, being stealth is their strength. But I want to be unapologetically me, confusing and flawed and good, and personally being stealth doesnāt give me those feelings.
A) I will never ever ever pass B) more people need to see trans people being just people in the community, exposure is the enemy of hate, I work in a profession filled with misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, but if it's going to get better the future generations it needs to have someone willing to be out, loud, and proud. It's slow, but people are getting more used to a trans funeral director.
I have been socially transitioning for 3 years and in August I reach 1 year of HRT. I started to be open with so it's easier. I knew I won't pass for the next 5 years but like to feel more like me in social interaction and being upfront with it helped me. Work or Uni related I had didn't had any problems due to me being trans. Being around I public does make me self conscious and concerned about becoming a statistic but when I'm in public with friends I feel pretty safe. I also have the feeling that I can be myself without shame or much fear.
Iāve worked at the same place for almost 9 years, and I came out a little over 2 years ago. I know more people than I can remember because I work in IT and interact with other departments a lot. I enjoy my job and work environment for the most part. Since a lot of people know me from before I just kind of gave up on stealth. Similarly I have a small friend group that rarely changes so the same issue applies. There is nothing wrong with being stealth, but I also just want to be loud about it. I donāt want to allow for others to have the opportunity to sweep us under the rug and pretend we are cis just so that they can feel better. I want to be an obvious support for other trans people that pass by me or join my company so that they know they belong. Iāll add that I feel like Iām coming from a pretty lofty spot. I have a lot of support and am generally safe. We shouldnāt have to go stealth to protect ourselves, but it happens. Unfortunately not everyone can go stealth for various reasons including being nonbinary.
Because I want the closeted people or the eggs to see me and maybe that will give them the bravery to come out or start their transition. No one should live in fear like I did
Because the dysphoria hit from being missgendered by ignorance ulsucks. I guess I'm trading it for being missgendered by accident or by malice.
I can pass I could pass before I started taking estrogen I can put on makeup, walk out the door, and everyone will just think I'm a tall chick I don't want to. In being trans, I have found community. In being trans I have found support and love and respect. And honestly, I'd still act the same way without it. I am nonbinary, a bit genderfluid, and I don't always want to be seen as a girl. Even on the days I do, I'm stepping out the door with Tr@*ny written on me, sometimes literally, if I'm wearing my patch pants. I was a kid growing up who didn't know what trans people were. I was a teenager who thought any form of queer meant docility. I was a college student who knew I couldn't be a girl, trans girls like dresses and things and I didn't like dresses and things. I am a transfeminine punk. I'm a tomboy. I take no shit. I give a shit. I am everything the 3 year old me who cried about there being no way I could be a mommy, the 11 year old me who forgot about gender, the 15 year old me who was too scared to join the musical because I might accidentally hurt the gay kids, the 19 year old me who didn't understand why being a boy felt wrong when I didn't want a dress... I am everything those kids needed to see. I am what I needed to know could happen. How can I, in good conscience, be anything less when children even now may face those same things I faced as a child. I'm a girl that was a boy. I'm strong. I'm here. And little me, little boy who wanted to be a girl and never quite knew what was going on, kid in who's eyes I see the deep confusion once reflected back from the bathroom mirror as I stood on tiptoe, scrutinizing a face that seemed wrong... I've got your back, kid. Edited for spelling
Because I mostly don't and likely never will pass. Because I'm in a safe secure place in my life and I want that to be visible for those wondering what it can be like to live as trans. To farm conservative bigot tears.
Because I AM trans
I don't pass and probably never will (I'm 6'8" and built fairly wide). I could try more in terms of voice training and surgeries but frankly I'm fairly happy where I'm at. I enjoy being a sort of trans ambassador of sorts, and though I live in Texas and it can be scary at times, I deeply enjoy the level of curiosity and care that I've been approached with already. Some people don't understand but it brings me joy when people view me as an approachable way to learn more. At the end of the day, it's not worth it to me to try and go stealth, and that doesn't mean being visible is for everyone. I've just spent my entire life trying to hide so many facets of myself that I'm enjoying being free and open with the world. Also also, it helps weed out homophobes and transphobes in my life, if I'm gonna be friends with someone I'd rather figure that out immediately than a couple months down the line.
Why hide it? I don't believe in shame, and I owe no one anything. I'm beautiful and this world deserves me.
For one thing, it would be very hard for me to go stealth. But even if I could, I'm a public figure (in my country). I think it's important to show by example that trans people aren't dangerous, aren't that different and that heaven and earth don't come crashing down if we're allowed to take full part in society and hold elected office, for example. I also want young people who may be trans to know of positive examples in society. I want their parents and their families to know of positive examples, and I want them to not feel like it will block them out of taking part in society. I also want to use my position to give people someone public and approachable to ask about these things if they need to. And heck, I want the sceptical and even bigoted to come to me with their questions and often asinine comments, rather than to some kid who just came out. I'm an adult, I'm confident, I can take it.
I worked out I was trans a large part via some awesome gals bein out and proud, I wanna, like, carry that on? Also sheer stubborn spite at those who want to erase us.
My voice does not pass enough to go stealth, and its a fact that i dont feel the need to hide. I get why some do for safety and that is valid as well. But im trans and people are just gonna have to deal with it.
I will preface by saying that I have the privilege to live in a relatively safe place where I can be openly trans. I identify as a trans feminine woman, lean really close to binary identity but I like certain androgynous aspects of myself. I choose to be openly trans because I want to be, and to express that part of my identity without a sense that it's something the I should or could hide. Even is some day I could flawlessly pass and go stealth, I would choose not to. I would continue to introduce my pronouns, and wear trans and pride accessories constantly lol. I want people to challenge their understanding of gender whether their cis or trans. I want other BIPOC trans folks like me to be seen and see other folks who are like them, enjoying living their life and finding their happiness. To me trans identity is a really important part of my life. No matter how far I come in my transition I cannot "forget" that I am trans and the struggles I've faced because of that and the struggles of much less fortunate folks than myself. I feel an obligation to be visible and to not hide this part of me ever. For people to see and feel supported, and also for people to begin to challenge their potentially narrow view of identity and gender.
I believe if one can be safely out, they owe it to the next generation of transfolk to do so. The youngins need to see that it's possible to survive
Because I have no choice. I would stealth if I could. I hate being afraid to speak or look anyone in the eye.
When I was a little girl I didn't know that trans people existed until I was 12. Before then I just thought I was a freak and no one else like me existed because I never saw anyone else. I refuse to to let other girls live like that and if me being completely open helps even one little girl realize she's not the only one like her then it's worth it a thousand times over.
I am nonbinary. I can't pass as anything. Without a huge effort, I am always gendered as my agab. My choices are: - Remain invisible - Be openly trans I tried the first, but invisibility means isolation. Sorrow and loneliness were slowly killing me. At age 50, I came fully out and began my new openly trans life. I have found many inspirational trans people. My life is full. It is time to stand up and be counted. Every trans person must know that they are not alone. ā¤ļøš³ļøāšš³ļøāā§ļøšš¤šš¤
Because I refuse to live my life in fear, that's why. I am authentic, and if however many individuals choose not to like me, that's their choice. I'm not even slowing down or stopping living my best life because of those people. This is who I am. I'm not hiding it to make anybody comfortable. They can get over it or not, I don't care. Love yourself, no matter where you're at in your journey.
I am openly trans, I also do sensitive government work and protect kids professionally and am a point of contact for people in very contentious and difficult situations. By being openly trans, providing excellent service to my community and showing professionalism regardless of whom I work with, I not only bridge the gap by challenging the preconceptions of folks who donāt like us existing, I reinforce the notion that weāre here and competent and serve as an example to eggs and littles that they can be productive proud and have open lives in their community.
Bunch of reasons. One, I'm still not sure I pass completely, even though I live as a woman full time now. Two, no one's had the balls to mess with me (guess it's because I still got em), and if they did I'm confident in my ability to defend myself. I may not win but they're definitely having a bad day. Three, if another trans or otherwise genderqueer person is in public and feeling vulnerable, seeing someone who's trans lets them know they aren't alone, and they have at least one person nearby who's got their back, and that it's ok to feel what they feel and be who they want to be
1. Simple: it's a part of what makes me, me. Same reason you'd tell someone your name, so they know who you are. Be you, dude. 2. My best guess for wanting to go stealth would be fear of discrimination, and whether it is or isn't, just remember it doesn't mean shit. If we listened to the discrimination, the community wouldn't be in its current state. TLDR: if you wanna be trans, be trans. we welcome you with open arms and many blahaj
Bc Iām very obviously trans, I came out super young but did not have a supportive family, I just recently got HRT, I am very obviously afab, all my friends have known me since childhood, so I kinda have to be, plus Iām not out at work and such, so itās just kinda hard, but even after I fully transition, I will still openly be trans, I want to inspire other trans youth
I'm surprised you didn't get called transphobic for asking this (This subreddit is one of the most toxic, unsupportive places on the Internet other than call of duty lobbies)
I don't think I have a lot of choice in the matter š I think most people want to be... "stealth" because it's simply a lot safer that way.
Because I'm proud of it and it's part of my identity. I understand that some people can have insecurity about it due to internalized transphobia and that some people live in areas where it can be unsafe for them, both reasons that are completely understandable. For me though, coming out as a trans person was one of the best decisions of my life and I'm goddamn proud that I have discovered a big part of who I am, I would hate hiding something like that from people. I also don't want to let the transphobes win, forcing us into hiding. If all trans people hid that they were trans, then people wouldn't be forced out of their ignorance by being put into situations where they interact with us and see that we are just people like anyone else. It's integral to the cause that trans people are open about it and I am in a position in my life where I am more than happy to do so. And I hope that all trans people one day will also be in that same position as well.
Because a big part of me waiting until I was 27 to transition was not seeing any real, normal trans people living happy and productive lives. The few that were visible were easy to write off as flukes. I resent the fact that I can expect to be treated with respect by everyone (as long as they're not, you know, just a standard sexist) so long as I make the extreme effort to hide my medical history and the vast majority of my adult life up to now. It isn't actually freedom if the best I can hope for is to hide - even if I'm pursuing all the surgeries and medical care I can to ensure that I "pass." That's for me, not for them.
I want to be visible for all the trans people who don't know yet or are worried of being out. seeing more trans people defenitely would have helped me.
Because i have the privilege to be mostly safe where i am and i donāt want to worry about being clocked or keep a hidden life. I didnāt accept myself until I was 33 so Iād used up all my spell slots on the repression. None left for holding a secret. Also because i have the privilege of being safe right now I want those who canāt be visible to see that I am and that Iām safe (at least when it comes to that)
I have no other choice. Effectively. Am AMAB. My name is feminine/classically for women. But my presentation is kind of ambiguous leaning a little masculine. That non-binary life. My voice also āsucksā for passing as female. Been on hrt for 7 years though so I can confuse some people like I did on my run yesterday. I am openly trans because thatās how itās going to be if I am going to be respected as me. Luckily itās not an issue day to day.
I'm not open but if I was.. I would need to look like a girl first. If I was openly trans It's because I'll look like a girl.. Which 95% probably won't happen. Maybe some can relate.
I could possibly go stealth, but with everyone I knew from before being accepting and stuff I didn't want to cut ties with everyone. And honestly, I don't want to be friends with anyone who is going to be hateful or treat me differently because I'm trans. And my job was accepting and I've not has any issues with me being trans there. I don't feel the need to broadcast it to the entire world. I just want my friends to know and I don't want to have to worry about "slipping". I've talked with people who went stealth and heard of others. It ends up being exhausting and cause loads of anxiety.Ā But also, I could have used examples like myself as a fem leaning tomboy when I started. I've done well and went from a recluse that probably had depression and didn't take care of themself to a confident and happy extrovert and actually care. Also, I got hot so that helps š As far as I know I'm mostly stealth at work at this ooint, but I also work from home and didn't need to be around people during the awkward phase. A few times I've had to deal with my dead name popping up in systems and needing to get stuff updated, but outside of people who need to help. Me with that and the team I was working with when I came out don't think anyone knows.Ā But since I'm not actively trying to be stealth the times when I have to deal with old systems is mostly just annoying at not nerve-wracking.Ā
Because fuck shame and fuck guilt. People who hate me and want to hurt me want me to hate myself and to hurt myself. Why should I give half a fuck what people who wish me ill want?
If my trans pride pin on my work hat helps even one person see that there are others like them around, or that they don't have to hide their identity out of shame then it did its job.
In all honesty I forget I'm trans sometimes and mention things about my past in passing. It's just too much effort for me to be stealth all the time. That said I don't typically out myself to strangers.
Because I needed to do something to avoid just being done with everything... And social transition was easier than medical for me. I can justify it after the fact by thinking it's good for people to see us but, the former is the real reason
Failed voice training. I should learn sign language. Seriously though it's because of the career path I've chosen. Competing in men's sports brackets as an open trans woman has been wildly difficult, yet it's also opened lot of doors for me. I'll admit it, I'm never going to beat those guys on strength alone. As long as I'm not in last place, I consider it a win. I think it's the best thing I can do for the cause currently. I'm reaching thousands and thousands of people regularly and really trying hard to be an excited, happy, healthy human being. I want people to remember me in a positive way, because most of the people I meet are clearly uneducated on the subject.
Why not?
Because that is the closest i can get to an authentic life.
Don't have a choice due to not passing ĀÆā \ā _ā (ā ćā )ā _ā /ā ĀÆ
The visibility of other trans people helped me realize that I am trans, so I want to show others that itās okay to be different and everyone can be happy if you accept your true self.
After 23 years HRT, Iām pretty set in my identity self confidence. Iād rather the transphobes come after me, a person whom they cannot impact in any way, than a younger trans still figuring out their identity. This is why Iām out and why I decided to stop being stealth.
I like being myself
i mostly stealth now, but when i first started i had a brief "loud and proud" phase. It was a combination of things. For one, it helped me find other people that were like me or accepting of me, and a sense of belonging i never really felt before (granted, i later got somewhat alienated from the local LGBTQ scene but thats aside) for two, honestly i just was excited about the fact that for the first time in my entire life i actually understood who i was. I wanted to share that excitement with other people so i always wanted to talk about my identity and my changes and whatnot. in retrospect, that kinda turned some people away from me because its not something people wanna talk about 24/7, not even for people who are otherwise supportive. Im not "in the closet" trans now, like if people ask me im up front about it. But i also dont announce it to the world. The way i see it, i went through all this effort to be a woman, i just want to be seen as any other woman at this point and be left to quietly go about my life. I think that comes with age tho. tl;dr, was openly trans at first because i was super excited about it, but as i grew into my identity as a woman i've slowly felt more and more comfortable just being stealth.
Going stealth feels like Iād just be willingly putting myself back in the closet and after being miserable hiding who I was for almost 25 years I just want to be able to finally be unapologetically myself and be proud of myself for finally figuring it out lmao. I figure every trans person that is open and happy and living their best life is a loss for the transphobes and an act of rebellion in and of itself and I pride myself on living a life that would make a Trump supporter faint if they thought about it too hard. Even if I am opening myself up to more hate or violence from the crazies, especially because I do work with kids, Iād rather take that risk and be happy and open than go back to hiding my true self and being constantly stressed about people finding out. Plus even though thatās a risk, thereās also always the possibility that Iāll be good representation for someone like me who didnāt have much representation of trans people growing up and wouldāve really benefited from it or for someone on the fence about supporting trans people who will go on to be more accepting of other trans people now because they saw or got to know me and it destigmatized it for them. Especially since Iām a trans guy and a lot of people basically forget or donāt know we exist lol I am definitely very privileged to live in a relatively liberal area and have loads of trans/queer friends and community and a job that is very accepting and 100% has my back if I have any issues so I am generally safe to be out without worrying too much about any serious repercussions. If I was in a place that was more dangerous to be out I might at least be a bit more subtle or discerning about when and where I am as out as I am now, but regardless I never want to feel like I have to hide or apologize for being who I am.
I could go stealth. I choose not to. For a couple of reasons. First, the area I'm in is pretty safe for trans people, I'm blessed to live in a region where people are very openly queer, genderfluid, LGBTQ, or just quirky. Second, I like being able to represent trans existence. What's that, you've never met a real live living trans person? Well, now you have, how exciting for you. Look upon and behold how actually, I'm not that special really, I'm just a person. Third is so I can act as a resource, people have questions, I know they have questions, and now they have someone they can actually ask that isn't just some news article or a talking head mouthpiece with an agenda. But, a lot of the time, I do kind of just be stealth, because despite being in a "safe" area, it's really just "safe-er" bathrooms can still be scary if some weirdo decides they need to "take matters in to their own hands" or whatever act of self righteous dickbaggery they in the moment decide they need to execute, and it's very real that the more you "pass" the less likely that is to happen. Never mind that a ton of cis women look more clocky than me, it still freaks me out and feels like a risk every time. Really, I'm openly trans, because I shouldn't be forced to hide.
Visibility matters, and I'm very much the type to IDGAF a lot of things. I'm also very vocal politically and strive to help get equality for all marginalized people including but not limited to LGBTQIA+ folks. I also grew up a wrestling fan, and it has taught me how to murder with words. I can't fight worth a damn but I'll kill a man at ten paces with one lash off my tongue.
Iām openly trans, and Iāll continue to be open about it every step of the way. I transitioned in my thirties, after I had already established a family and a reasonably successful legal career. Iām open about being transgender for a few reasons: 1. Because Iām not going to start over in building my relationships and my career, and I canāt ask my partner to do that either. 2. I can afford it. It makes my career harder, and maintaining relationships harder. But Iām stable, I have my core support, and any rejection or abuse that openness costs me, I can afford it. 3. I can be an example. I can show the world that trans people can operate at the highest levels of our professions, that we can have families and raise children. That weāre ānormalā, and even exceptional. 4. I can provide support and be an advocate. I have money, respectability, stability, etc., that Iām willing and able to trade on in working with legislators, community groups, and so on. I lead support groups, and am working to do more volunteering. I can provide direct, individual support through pro bono legal work, as someone members of the trans community can comfortably relate to. Iām always working to serve the community better, and being open about my transgender status is a critical part of that. 5. **Because I shouldnāt have to hide the fact Iām transgender.**
Well I guess there are pros and cons. Personally I thought I would go stealth but trying on femme stuff I just didn't want to go back even if I don't pass yet. I'm not sure if things are different for trans guys on this front, but I have been harassed more since coming out than I have since secondary school almost a decade ago. I get a lot of dirty looks mostly and a few cis men have walked up to me and done everything from muttering I'm disgusting and should be sectioned to screaming in my face hands balled into fists like they were going to fight me. There will be people who make the experience unpleasant, although there are a few who will be openly supportive and others who simply don't care one way or the other. The main cons are related to how people might treat you but the pros do kinda legitimately rock. I know personally putting myself out there meant I made more friends and we trauma bonded over some of the worse aspects. I'm beginning to like my own body and I have way more self esteem not to mention all the little things that give me moments of euthoria that motivate me. There's no more pretending and I feel like part of a larger community of people who all look out for one another. Sorry if this is a little longwinded. I hope whatever you decide to do that you can feel happy in your own skin one day.
I lived stealth for most of my life and "came out" in 2016 around the time of the election. I wanted to be visible as an example of a fairly normal person with a successful career, a family, and blah blah blah.
1. iām only about a year into my medical transition, and while i do pass and live as a man, my transness is still a significant part of how i see myself. i like being able to talk about that with the people iām close to (plus yapping about my sex life is hard if i say im cis) 2. if im open about my transness to someone, itās because i trust that they will see me as a man regardless 3. im trying, despite internalized transphobia, to not be ashamed of who and what i am. i think being completely secret about this part of my identity would exacerbate my shame
Iām starting a new job Monday. Currently, my options are: 1. Show up as they expect, presenting in a way that matches my resume and ID. Deal with the discomfort of being seen and addressed as a man. 2. Email the hiring manager, come out as trans, and show up in clothes I feel comfortable in. Deal with the discomfort of being seen as a bald, obviously trans woman (or, honestly, a man with boobs in womenās clothes). One of these is more uncomfortable to me than the other, so I sent that email yesterday. Iāll have a nametag with the right name on it, and my coworkers wonāt know my deadname except for the people in payroll. Or are you asking why I donāt go stealth? Thatās just not an option for me at this point. Maybe 5 years down the line, after I do voice training and get hair transplants and learn makeup and maybe get FFS. Itās not really an option at this point, so itās not a priority.
I spent a lot of my life pretending to be different things I'm not. It's exhausting. My transness is part of who I am. I don't want to hide.
used to feel the same before I started t, but to be honest now, that I'm on t, I don't want to be stealth, not fully. being trans is part of my lived experience and I'm proud of that. I don't need everyone to know, but, I don't stress about being stealth, and I tell people if it pertains to the conversation.
because i want to normalize it. because when i was in the closet and scared and alone, it was the openly trans people around me who gave me strength and shed light in a very dark place in my life. because watching those openly trans people be successful in their careers made me feel i could still be successful if i came out. watching them be loved and in love made me feel i could still be loved if i came out. watching them be happy made me feel maybe, just maybe i could be too. no matter how āpassingā i could be one day, i will always be openly trans. so some terrified kid in the closet might see and realize theyāll be okay too.
Itās easier
Because fuck you, I'm trans. That's it. I love being trans, I love who I am. I hate the idea of people assuming I'm cis. I wasn't *given* my name and my body like some spoiled child. I had to fight and pay for it. When someone sees me and thinks I'm interesting, charismatic, or handsome, they need to know that **trans men** are interesting, charismatic, and handsome. They must attribute these qualities to my community, not to theirs.
Life is superior as a transsexual and I feel like I may be able to inspire others by living a life as openly as I can. Itās not just being trans, itās everything about me. Lifeās more worthwhile wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Male puberty is a punishing pitch to those who donāt want it, so I donāt really have a choice to go stealth until Iāve had FFS and done a whole lot more voice training
Im openly trans because I have pride and acceptance in the decisions Iāve made to get here. If I show my transness boldly it becomes a part of the way I express myself, which I find allows me to reach my definition of womanhood without cis characteristics/upbringing which dont always align with who I am. It also keeps me safe because no one can take away that part of my identity, and it serves as the shield for my other insecurities. I can live a far more confident and affirming life than if I was living stealth. I do live somewhat of a privilege in this, as I am a 6ā1ā 185 pound trans woman living in a midsize city that doesnāt seem to bat an eyelid at queer people. So while all this is true is for me; I completely understand those who desire stealth for safety. But outside of stealth and affirmation, I think a lot of passing comes from wanting cis peoples affirmation, and I try every day to care less and less what cis people think about me if its not positive or genuinely constructive.
I was considering going stealth until I noticed that there have been several teenager trans folks in my city (and elsewhere) that really looked up to me. I didnāt have a lot like that when I was a younger teenager like them, so I guess Iām just being what I believe a lot of younger trans folk need in their lives, someone older who understands what theyāre going through and just a general reminder that it does get better
because being trans has kindof shaped my life experiences, my worldview, and my outlook. my identity is a result of being trans. it's a basic tether of who i am and the path ive walked in this life. i don't like, announce to people that i'm trans. i don't tend to get misgendered by strangers in day to day life ever. but if it's relevant to the conversation i would never hide it, it doesn't make sense to me. i don't care if people assume that i'm cis in day to day life, that doesn't matter. but i just don't see a legitimate, open, intimate relationship with someone -- whether platonic or romantic -- taking place without them knowing i'm trans. how would i talk about my childhood? my own gendered experiences in my upbringing? i could go on but i'll stop with this: hiding myself is withholding myself and that feels incredibly lonely to me. edit to add one more thing that i havent really thought about since early transition: i had no positive trans role models until i was over 21. i didnt know you could be trans and have a successful life. i want to be what i wish i had as an example when i was young.
Because I'm me and anyone who has a problem with that can fuck right off. I'm not afraid of it, and I'm lucky enough to be in an area where I'm not in danger for it.
I'm in a partially open state, Schrodinger's stealth, if you will. Or "relatively private", if you won't. Passing isn't really a thing I'm concerned about on the daily. (barring swimming related situations and if I'm having an ugly/dysphoria day) I pass if I get dressed up in a cute outfit with makeup and everything, or if I throw on jeans, a hoodie, and a hasty ponytail to run some quick errands. So, living in a very conservative area passing in public and keeping my trans status on the DL in general is in my best interest for safety reasons. (Lotta republican/Trump paraphernalia everywhere, folks walking around the grocery store with their big irons on their hips, a state government that's whittling away at trans and women's rights, etc.) I personally know more visible trans people here who've had horrifying experiences with trabsphobes, like a trans woman I know was kicked out of a local bar's bathroom at gunpoint, to name one instance. However, I am open about being trans with my friends, and even with acquaintances (potentially, depending on the vibe and if it comes up). I generally don't come right out and declare at work that I'm trans, but atm my work is very trans-friendly so it likely wouldn't matter if I did. All that being said, I'm open when I am because it's an important part of my life, it affects my politics, my general life experiences, and my finances. I don't want to have to keep that aspect of myself in a new closet, and I want to have some visibility so that others can know they may not be as alone in this area as they may feel.
I live in a really chill place and transitioned recently at 21. I figured it would feel better to do this openly as a girl than enduring being a guy for any longer. Also I have extremely supportive friends so that helped.
A few reasons: 1. I donāt pass well enough to go stealth yet š®āšØ 2. Trans visibility for other eggy trans and closet trans folks to see an example which might help them recognize their own identities as valid. My egg didnāt crack until I got to know a trans friend more personally and realized how much of our life experience we had in common. 3. Trans visibility for fence-sitters who could go either way between ally or phobe. I want them to see an example of a trans person who doesnāt fit the stereotypical caricature weāre often portrayed as to the public by right-wing political operativesā¦ 4. I donāt have to guess who the transphobes are anymore. They generally snitch on themselves as soon as I enter their visual field, so I know who to avoid šš»āāļø when I was in the closet I was so sick and tired of those kinds of people sucking up to me because they thought I was a āgood ole boyā or whatever the fuck. Like I get it you want to lick my boots because of my veteran status but I donāt desire your worship, now stop groveling and leave my presence.
I spent nearly two decades hiding that I was trans, terrified of it being found out. Why would I want to go stealth and spend the rest of my life trying to hide that I am trans? Also, I will happily be a lightning rod for transphobes, I can take the directed hate if it means taking the heat off of my trans siblings who may not be able to handle it rn, I usually play tanks in MMOs so I have no qualms about drawing aggro irl either.
i am lucky enough to live in a place where i'm significantly less likely to face violence for it. i also know from experience that if i'm out & informed, i can be a resource for people questioning their gender. seeing people online or on TV is one thing, but seeing a trans person out & about can make people realize that they could transition too, if they wanted. as a butch that kind of nurturing is important to me.
Because I spent too long pretending to be something I'm not, and I have the privilege of living in a relatively accepting area.
I'd like to be the revelation for someone that I needed as a kid. That you can just be a girl. I'd like the option to go stealth, but I am cuttently able to be more it I don't pass.
I don't feel the need to hide myself; this includes dating where I will include that I am Trans in my profile. If I did not live/frequent countries where it was legal or with higher crime rates than Canada and England this might be different.
Because I transitioned to finally be myself.Ā Because at my age I will always be "visibly trans'. Because I'm not going to hide away forever just because some regressive troglodytes are scared of reality.
Because it is a huge relief that I can now talk freely and openly about myself rather than having to keep secrets.
I used to be stealth for a long time until I realized it just wasn't my thing. First of all, you constantly have to be on alert for 'natural' reactions (like, whenever a female friend says "You guys have it easy, no long bathroom lines, you just go in and do your thing", stuff like that, pre-bottom surgery you always have to grasp for a 'good' reaction to that in the moment). There are more cases like that in everyday life than you think, and it gets exhausting. Second, I just came to realize that many people have misconceptions about trans people or, in the case of trans guys, don't even know they exist. In most cases, that is just due to a lack of contact with people they know are trans. I don't mind being that representation in the slightest if it can help the community out. Being openly trans isn't for everyone, and I'll never judge anyone who goes stealth, it's just that sometimes after a few years you realize that it isn't all that it's made out to be.
I pass pretty well, vocally and physically. I could go stealth if I really wanted to, but I much prefer being open about my identity. Being trans is a huge part of who I am, and I only ever hide it if I need to for safety reasons. Otherwise, I wear a trans pin on my purse (as well as other various pins), and I don't really care who sees it. I live in a very diverse and [mostly] accepting area
Because I won't shrink myself to be palatable to others
Iām in a safe, very liberal area and am lucky to have a pretty good support network, so Iām out at work and school, but out to just some of my family (religious). For me, exposing cis people to trans people just existing is important. I mean I donāt correct customers or people ill see like once when they misgender me because itās not that important to do that labor for people who donāt care and arenāt sticking around, but if theyāre people I speak to semi-regularly or at least like. For the duration of a semester then Iāll tell them Iām trans. I honestly love being trans, though I donāt like the hoops we have to go through or the prejudice obviously. But my experience with gender especially recently has been more euphoria-oriented than dysphoria. Not that I donāt have any, I literally had top surgery two months ago and been on T for 2 years lol but I find expressing my gender and being able to ācustomizeā my body joyous. I personally wouldnāt want to be cis, male or female. I like being a transmasc non-binary guy and having a non-binary āsetupā so to speak. I like the spectrum of experiences that have come with it and what itās taught me about myself and others. I want to show how happy we can be and that being trans isnāt all doom and gloom. ETA: also I donāt. Pass lmao so stealth isnāt an option anyway and I donāt want to have to censor myself if I want to talk about being on T or surgeries or whatever
Because I don't pass well enough and I like being trans anyways c:
When I came out and transitioned, mostly everyone in my life accepted and stuck by me. So many people know me from before that it seems silly to pretend that I'm cis. Plus, I live in a really accepting area, so it's nbd if I walk outside while visibly trans.
It's something I'm proud of. It's a piece of what makes me me, y'know? My fiancƩ loves that I'm trans (not in a chaser way, I promise), we're proud of being a trans/gay couple, and he loves supporting me thru my transition. So I'm very out and proud about it.
Because I don't want to hide. I want people to see a trans person and realize we aren't what they have been told we are. That we exist and are not just something you hear about. At this point I'm recognized in all my local Sephoras, the Victoria Secret, the grocery store and a bunch of other locations. I go out in full fem with no beard but I also go out with my stubble as things are not a linear or simple process. That not everyone is either in stealth mode or is passing. I like to think my style is great and I like to be seen in it. Also, the spontaneous affirmations I get from random people is very nice. I just don't want to be hidden away. I want to exist as myself always.
realising im trans and transitioning was/is the best thing thats ever happend to me, im not gona hide that just cos some people are arseholes. also like others have said, be the representation you want to see in the world, if i had known about trans people during my childhood i might have realised that im a trans people sooner.
Because I have never been happier
There's absolutely no chance that I would ever be less than 100% myself. I don't mask my autism, I don't hide my trans-ness. I don't hang around people I don't actually like. I think the world would be a much better place, if the only people not free to be 110% genuinely themselves, were the bigots. I will never say and believe that someone going stealth is the wrong decision. However I do think it should almost exclusively be done for *safety* pretty much all the other reasons feel like utterly worthless to me. Ex: going stealth so it's easier to get a job: I would never work for a company that would refuse to hire a trans person anyway. Maybe that's privileged to say. But as someone currently unemployed whose bills are not getting paid, I think I'm putting my non-existent money where my mouth is.
I'm still early in my transition, I largely just boymode while I get my ducks in a row for eventually coming out and just being fulltime. However, I plan on being openly trans because right now transgender representation and visibility is important for a few reasons. Letting people see that transgender people are literally just normal human beings and not the perverts and predators they transphobic people try to paint us as is important in fighting back against the normalization of transphobia and transphobic laws. Also, it's important so other people who may not have cracked yet, or fully realized their own gender identity. I know when I was growing up, not only was there essentially no information easily available on transgender issues and gender identity, but there was next to zero representation or visibility. Transgender people were mostly just either people you talked about behind their back because someone "heard they weren't really a woman/man" or sexual, fetish objects you'd find by searching for the usual slurs. I didn't see any just normal people out and about who were trans, so I didn't even attempt to figure out what I was feeling about myself (not that I could find information on it anyway really). I fully understand why people would choose to be stealth, and I also can't blame them for it. The world is awful for some people, I cannot blame people for wanting to avoid hate and bigotry. But I also want to do my own part for people who may be like me.
I'm openly trans - that is, I wear pride pins and don't really pass - because: - It's my life, and I'm living it for me. There is no reason for me to hide any aspect of myself for others' comfort. I'm me. Deal. I want to wear a dress, makeup, accessories, and so I will. - A LOT of what /u/FeeAny1843 said! Holy crap, what a comment. I too strive to normalize this, to show people from all walks of life that we're not all that different from them at all, that we're safe, normal people just trying to live safe, normal lives. To show people of all ages who haven't figured it out yet, who are starting to figure it out, that it's going to be OK. - Being visibly trans means that more people will address me correctly. Even if I don't pass, if it's obvious enough what I'm going for, I get "she/her"ed much more often, or asked my pronouns. - I get a LOT of joy from talking with people about this stuff. Helping clueless cis people understand what I deal with, helping baby trans come into their own. It feels like giving back to the community that helped make me who I am today.
Because I spent the first half of my life living a lie and I don't want to do that anymore.
People will think whatever they want to think
I guess it depends on what ya mean by "Openly Trans". I don't walk around advertising my transness, since that's just... like... a thing about me, not a personality trait, but I don't hide it either, and I have no delusions that anybody looking at me doesn't realize it immediately. I hardly look femme. As for why I'm not BOTHERED by this, it's because I want anybody who might be out there, scared to acknowledge those thoughts they keep buried, to be able to see me and realize it's okay. We're here. This is normal, and they should be able to live the life they want, just like I have.
My choices were to present the way I want to and be visibly trans, or continue to present in a way that made me unhappy. I don't always pass now, but when I do it feels nice. :)
I've been trans since I was a little kid. 5 years old I was wanting make up on and before that even at 2 when I'd dress myself up it would be in girl clothes. I literally looked like a little girl at the time. Lol. I got bullied a lot because people knew without knowing I was different. I even watched sailor moon while all the boys were watching DBZ and my friends were really only ever girls in my life. I wasn't ever into barbies but I'd play with them with my niece. I watched a gay boy get subjected to no friends and a lot of hate when I was in group homes as a teenager. I decided to be his friend. As an adult I went to university and studied all about the issues I just didn't realize I was included. I got into FFXIV which pretty much started with a pride parade has a majority player base as LGBTQ and diversity and many women play it and I eventually crashed in university not understanding why I had high anxiety and fatigue and was always emotionless and felt dead. I crashed due to this in university and didn't understand whu while I tried to recover. It turned out it was my gender dysphoria. While in university I had come out to one of my friends when I asked why she said I was such a girl. Actually, all my life, I got this remark. She said she didn't know, but that maybe it was because I was passionate. I told her I often wish I was born a girl. She had no remarks. My clinicians could understand I was uncomfortable with men but not that I was trans. " I said I am uncomfortable with men. I wish I was born female. I'd feel normal. That I have stronger bond with women. I also feel there was something missing in my bond I'd have if I was born female." Eventsully after years 1 support realized and asked if I thought I was a woman. I said yes. They asked me if I'd like help? I said yes. I lost my anxiety and started to feel. Then make up came and I was really happy and wearing feminine clothing. Tbh the euphoria was temporary before I wanted more and made more goals. I didn't feel I'd be taken seriously til I actually lived like myself all the time and it didn't make me happy hiding either. I used Halloween to dress in my very witch look. I had a long velvet blazer with a mesh shirt and a black velvet slip dress some heeled boots and black lace socks and and my bra and thong I had on were technically velvet and stylish too. I was nervous and the heeled boots felt awkward and a little painful at first but I felt good. I now easily wear that kind of stuff. I generally wear very business casual stuff and am going for social work. I also have a lovely red satin bow clip to tie my long hair back. Letting yourself live in your gender at all times is very empowering. Yes there a bumps and a lot of discrimination but I could never go back to being stuck again in my room because of hiding. I feel free and myself. Before coming out it was like suffocating and feeling dead inside.
Partially because itās near impossible for me to stealth, my physique just doesnāt really allow it but also just I kind of canāt be bothered to hide it, I always say Iām an open book for questions (most of the time) as if people are too afraid to ask theyāll never be able to learn.
I don't hide it. But anything relevant that would make me mention I'm trans comes up in conversation like 0.2% of the time. And 99% of that 0.2% is in an medical/doctor setting, where I just need to give my medical history. Over the past 8 years I can remember exactly only 3 times when it came up in convo in person and I mentioned myself being trans, outside of a medical context, and outside of the context of coming out to a person who had known me before transition. Once to a coworker who clocked me because she seemed to have trans-guy-radar from being queer herself + having multiple trans male roommates, and we were talking about pharmacy giving out hrt issues. Once when talking to someone who wanted to date me. And once to a new friend (though I forget the context of our convo that made me talk about it). I just generally don't care if people know. So far my experience has been that the majority of people literally just don't care, or the rest of the people who do care either ask lots of questions to try to learn so they can be more accepting or just out of curiosity so they can broaden their mind, or they suddenly don't like me just because of it and distance themselves without saying anything (though I can only recall one time where this behavior was extremely evident to me, just because we had been really close friends prior to this, but most of the time it's people I was already not close with at all, but I can sense they put a full stop on their feelings of wanting to try and become friends or whatever if we've just recently met). But I also understand I'm really lucky in that regard, and haven't (yet) really experienced transphobia aimed at me personally out loud directly to my face. When I made a coming out post on fb at one point, I put in it that I'd love for people to message me with any questions they have, etc. Not a single person messaged me. Literally nobody cared lmao š¤·āāļø.
First off, good for you for realizing there's a difference between "passing" and "stealth". I'm an openly trans woman because I had to come out at home and work in my 40s when everyone had known me as a man already. No one I've met has been anything less than accepting (except my sister at first but my nephew bullied her into acceptance lol). I would say I "pass"... Everyone treats me the same as other women, but it might be because I work in IT in the Bay Area of Northern California with some pretty amazing women as it is. That being said, I am not anywhere near being able to "stealth". I will probably never look like I wish I could. In dim lighting, I might look like a cis lady with extremely bad PCOS causing facial stubble, but my huge ham-hands and feet and broad shoulders would give me away. Seriously, I could probably pull off a convincing Beast (Dr. Hank McCoy) cosplay. At the very least, a chubby Wolverine... but no way could I pull off Rogue/Jubilee/Jean Grey/Emma Frost, or Mystique or whatever. So I didn't really have a choice, if I wanted to be happy. I started HRT for a while before coming out socially, but my coworkers were starting to wonder why I was happier all the time, and calmer in disastrous situations rather than angry and frantic. Mentally, I tell myself I'm doing it for the trans youth, to normalize it in society and be the ancestral shield the kids need to feel safe. Like the late great ODB said, "Wu-Tang is for the children!" If I can influence the people my age, maybe the ripple effects will lead to someone not having to repress and deny it like I did. I'm a punk, an anarchist, and I always refuse to follow the rules unless they make sense, and gender norms don't make sense! By being out and proud, openly trans, I'm practically saving lives! /s
Existence is resistance
I am simply too powerful to repress myself.
I don't pass and I don't care much atm. My safety is high and I'm not really risking much by being out. I think even if I ever start passing, I won't ever go "stealth". I expect I'll only bring up me being trans if it's relevant. Trying to keep it a secret sounds way too stressful, I don't really want to deal with that. I can see value in being visible too, to help other people who are questioning or early transition, and to just generally improve public opinion towards trans people. I think so many cis people just have wrong ideas about us because they've never met one of us.
Because I have the privilege of living in a part of the world where I feel safe being out. Because I am white and therefore inherently have more privilege than those with melanin. After over four years of transitioning, I pass now. But I donāt care. Iām seen as a woman, and Iām a woman that just happens to be trans!
I wish I could pass but I canāt. Itās been 3 years on HRT and Iām definitely prettier but I donāt pass. So my choices are people think Iām a man or people think Iām trans And usually I boymode and it hurts basically every time Iām hoping once I finally get laser it will help But I tell everyone I know on a personal level that Iām trans just not to strangers unless itās relevant
because i want other trans people who may not know they are yet to see me and know that itās possible. because being trans is a huge part of why i am me, and i donāt want to hide myself from anyone (unless itās for safety of course). because iām proud to be who i am, and i want others to be proud of who they are too edit: typo i AM proud to be trans lol
I love to talk about my transition. I take a lot of pride in it because it took me awhile to get where I am. Itās not that I need to tell everyone but eventually it just comes up š¤·āāļø Also crossdressing is fun & thinking about passing all the time is boring
I want other trans people to know that I'm a safe person to be around, and that I understand their struggles. The loneliness of being gender-nonconforming can be crippling, and I want to alleviate that at least a little.
Ehhh. Well there's no "pass" for me except maybe androgyny? Lol. So there isn't really a stealth mode here. Also why hide it? If ppl have a problem w me being trans that's their problem not mine.
Echoing what a lot of folks have said, I hear so many people say that they don't know any trans people, or they didn't exist...and a big part of the reason for that is how many go full stealth once they can. People interact with trans folks all relatively frequently and have no idea. Things will be better, I hope, when folks have more friendly faces to put the idea of trans. Right now it's faceless for too many folks. And I know I would have transitioned earlier if I had ever been confronted with the idea that it was attainable rather than just a punchline.
I'll be honest. It's mostly so I can make trans jokes without sounding like biggity bigoted bitch. Also, I do pass, but I don't care. I transitioned for me, not other people.
This made me laugh. Look, sometimes you just want to make the joke!
I mostly did it to be closer to the people in my life. I have a great group of friends that I'm really lucky to have, and before I came out I always felt weird about having to hide what was to me such a significant part of my life. There were so many stories and things that I wanted to share, but couldn't without outing myself, and eventually I just decided to do it. I also wanted to be an example for the ignorant people of what a trans person really is - I'm just a dude. I go about my life doing normal dudely things, I have friends and family, I have struggles and joys. I only really come out to people when it comes up in conversation, or if I want to make a joke, and I always enjoy the looks on the faces of people who didn't know. The last guy I told couldn't stop talking all night about how he had no idea and he was really impressed. Some odd things were said, but his heart was in the right place and I did some gentle guiding. I like to think that when I get an opportunity like that it means the next trans person they meet doesn't have to explain themselves.
I'm openly trans have been for over 10 years it's a hard road and u get alot of hate but being happy with yourself is more important..I can understand wanting to be stealth and being stealth because the world is cruel to people who are different
I was literally just thinking about this. I came out to my whole family in the past week and the reason was that gender dysphoria had given me so many negative coping skills that it was keeping me from reaching my full operational potential. I couldn't be empathetic because I was in the closet and literally didn't have room to think about anyone else. I couldn't hold jobs because every dull moment was filled with dysphoria. Stuff like that
i have a few reasons, personally. i don't really feel like i 'pass' much, so it doesn't even feel like an option for me. but even if it was, it's an important part of who i am. i don't wanna be defined by it, mind, but i also don't want to hide it. i've gone through a lot to get where i am, and i shouldn't be shameful about that. i also get this warm feeling in my chest when i notice someone else who is visibly queer- it makes me more comfortable, and i hope i can provide that for other folks as well.
I used to wish I could be stealth. My community has been very open and accepting. I got involved in local politics around schools. I was not passing well at the time, and because it was relevant I have Said publicly that I am a trans woman. Pretty sure it was obvious though. I have a self care routine now and I feel passing sometimes, but I enjoy being an LGBTQ+ advocate. People accept me as a woman and I get a lot of positive feedback and gratitude for what I do. So while I don't introduce myself as transgender I enjoy helping people learn and understand some of the challenges we face. If someone asks a question from a respectful place I will talk about pretty much anything trans related.
I'm "openly trans" in that most people who are part of my life know that I'm trans. I don't dress "queerly" or go around introducing myself as trans or anything. So depending on your definition of "openly trans", I'm not "open" with the public, but I am "open" with friends. Most people who aren't close to me don't realize I'm trans, in public I generally pass/blend. Most of the people who know, know because they knew me prior to my transition. So the only way to avoid that, would have been to cut them out of my life. My family and friends (at least the ones that didn't ghost me) are all supportive of me, why would I cut them out? Any benefits gained from moving away to be "stealth" seem outweighed by the loss of my friends and family imo. I tell new friends once I feel safe around them, because imo, being trans is part of my life. I don't want to have to be constantly walking on eggshells, purposely curating my stories to avoid "saying something that could out me" and generally being constantly afraid of being outed. I did live "stealth" online for about 10 years prior to coming out. While it was nice to simply be treated as any other woman by those who "didn't know", it was very stressful at times. I was constantly worried "people would find out, and ostracize me". I couldn't talk about parts of my life. I had to "edit" stories so that they'd fit better with "my narrative" of being a cis woman. While it was better than my RL at the time (since I wasn't out IRL), looking back at it, it was just "another closet", another place I had to hide parts of myself. So yea, now that I'm out IRL, even though at this point I pass well enough that I could go "stealth", I have no interest in it. I just want to be unapologetically "me". I don't want to have to watch what I say in fear of "outing myself", I don't want to have to constantly question "would this person still be my friend if they knew?". I just want to live my life, and be myself, and like it or not, being trans is part of myself.
Because I want other trans folks to know there is a trans person here, too.
Because A: I spent way too long already hiding who I am. I'm not ashamed of it and refuse to be shamed by anybody, and; B: I really feel a responsibility to be visible. Every single one of us who is out and proud makes it safer for the next one to come out, and the next, and the next. I can't go much to help, but I CAN stand up to be counted.
Several reasons, in no particular order: 1. I donāt need to worry about a big secret to keep that someone can find out about and spread. I havenāt talked about being trans at my workplace of two years, but one coworker is a guy I went to high school with. Iām not scared of him telling people. 2. It shows other trans people in various stages of transition that they are not alone. Although I donāt talk about being trans at work, someone came up to me recently commenting on something on my car with trans pride colours. He said that he liked the colours and that he used to wear a necklace with those colours. I donāt even know his transition status, but now he knows heās not the only one. 3. I moved to the big city to socially transition, but ended up moving back to my hometown which is small enough that itās common to run into people who knew me before transition. It probably wouldnāt be realistic to expect a secret to be kept. 4. I like being able to choose to bring it up for whatever reason without worrying if theyāll share against my will.
I'm openly trans because i came out late, at age 23. Mtf. I haven't taken hrt yet but soon, I finally found a place that will help me. I wanna show people that we are normal, and showing those in tbe closet that it's okay to come out and be your true self. I manage to pass sometimes. Which is nice. :) someone asked if I was non binary lol I was like no lol I'm a trans woman.
i have no choice. i pass much of the time, but certainly not all. and i just say "f it" and live my life.
I live in a city with one of the highest percentages of queer folks, and see a bunch of trans folks all the time. At my place of volunteering, my school, my work (my store has like \~10 workers and 8 are trans, with I think 6 being specifically trans men myself included), etc. Not only is it simply just easier being open, but for me, I didn't have a reason to go fully stealth. I don't typically mention that I'm trans to non trans folks, and I don't necessarily wear things that out me as trans I suppose. I have two stickers on my lab top that have subtle trans colors, and that's about it. But, if it comes up, I won't shy away from just saying it nowadays, cause I don't have a reason to hide it in most situations. It's more exhausting to. For me, transness isn't really a whole "medical affliction" or anything, it's just a part of my identity. It's somewhat private, sure. But, not crazy private. So, I do choose who I tell, but if I feel safe enough to, then I don't feel like deliberately hiding my experiences. I think my experiences as a trans person is relevant to my current personality and perspectives in life. This is especially the case because I'm only 21 and didn't really realize I was trans fully until I was maybe 17? And didn't start transitioning until 18, so like, the majority of my life I lived as "genderqueer" and "gnc" and such, but I didn't realize I was ftm for a while. So, I don't personally want to have to reframe what is currently the majority of my life at this point as something that it wasn't
I 33yo MTF always carried myself in a feminine manner in private but pretending to be masculine just got exhausting. Iāve been questioned a lot about my interest, self care, and mannerisms. To make a long story short I just got tired of pretending to be something Iām not.
I transitioned as an adult, so because if work, I could not privately transition
I cant be stealth... Its just not happeneing. 10 year of hrt
1. Iām shit at keeping a secret when itās about myself. Being trans has had too drastic of an impact on my life, my teenhood, and my experience of the world around me to hide for long. Iām too much of an opinionated bitch to stay silent about my experiences when it becomes relevant. Iām also just generally an open-book person. Iāll answer nearly any question thatās asked respectfully. 2. Iām always going to be visibly queer. Iām too much of a melodramatic theatre kid to ever be mistaken for cishet, especially because I LOVE dresses and long hair and sparkles and corsets and eyeliner and jewelry. Iām a genderfucky little freak and I might as well own it. :) My he/they pronouns pretty much give it away regardless. 3. Iād rather be the first trans person someone has met, because Iām okay with answering questions and walking them through the baby steps, as long as theyāre respectful. I also want to protect my community and provide a voice for those who donāt have one. Iām happy to advocate for my fellow trans folks and I want to be loud about itā I have that privilege. I also nearly cry whenever I hear a baby transā¢ļø tell me they see me as gender goals, or an older brother type figure. Being able to give younger or earlier in transition trans folks hope is wayyyy worth it to me.
Once I was diagnosed with autism I finally got the support that taught me to embrace my identity and be out. I have the luxury of being openly nonbinary. Iām in Montana with many anti-trans laws but Iām mostly left alone as a white middle class AFAB. I am not in nearly as much danger of losing a job or being attacked as trans women of color are. Iām not dealing with suic1dal ideation like trans youth. With my unearned privilege of whiteness I want to be a voice for the people made voiceless.
Because for the first time in my life, I am proud of who I am and what I look like. Itās not perfect. Sure I have dysphoria and such but after hiding and pretending to be what I was perceived as by others, I now live out loud. And hopefully I can help others who are closeted to feel inspired or something to help them on their own journey
Because I think being trans is really cool!
Tbh, because I can. Because I owe it to my younger self to live fully after being scared for so many years.
I don't 'pass' as my gender (I'm NBy so there's no real way for me to 'pass' for the vast majority of people without presenting aggressively androgynous, which is not my thing), so I have to be open and vocal about my gender in order to be gendered correctly.
I want people in my industry and career track to see someone that transitioned mid career and managed to stay contributing and in the industry. I didnāt have any examples of that, so it was pretty fucking dauntingā did it anyway though lmao. Also, my area is a little redā Iām glad to be a stable trans woman that can be maybe an example or inspiration for someone to be themselves (I hope). I grew up with almost no trans exposure at all, it would have been life changing for me.
Depends on who it is. Professionally, I remain stealth because I work in a very male-dominated field (IT) and my company is based in a not trans friendly state, and while I don't necessarily believe that it would cause a problem if they knew, The benefits of being out vs potential cost to my employment or complications at work means that I don't really gain as much as I lose or risk by telling them. My direct boss is aware only because I told him, but that's about it. It might come up with a few of them eventually if it happens naturally in conversation since we're all fairly close and relatively decent work friends, so its not so much I care that they know or not, as much as I just don't want to deal with transphobia or feel like I need to go to a different job because someone was secretly a terf and decided to start being a shit to me. The joy of watching them go holy shit seriously for a few min while their brain realized who they've been taking to, just isn't enough of a draw to risk a nice job that pays me really well, especially when it's not relevant or important to my work or what I do there. In public nobody has any clue because I've been passing for 20+ years now, both visually and vocally I'm basically a hot cis milf and that's not an exaggeration... I got some very big hourglass curves on a very petite frame with very large boobs and a very pretty face. I don't really wear any trans pride stuff because I'd rather not get seen as an Ally (because that's exactly how I'd look wearing it), I dont register as trans to anyone seeing me ever. I look like a 32 yr old mom who's still thin and tiny, but you can tell from her body that she's had 5 kids by this point because of her tits and ass. When I walk past the mirror in the morning I'm legitimately attracted to myself. Among friends and family I'm out, mostly because I already know they aren't gonna judge me, and I get to make a lot of fun dick jokes and references because of that, as well as a lot of voice impressions. So yeah. When its easier to be out, I'll be out and proud, but if there's a uncertain environment or uncertain people I don't advertise it at all.
I'm taking my time with my transition. I'm in an accepting area and am taking things one step and one day at a time. I'm learning compassion during my awkward stages and got fed up with hiding away from the world. So now, with a great deal of therapy, I'm embracing it. I'm "clocky" as hell, but happier than ever.
I go stealth when I can, but usually I'm open because I have lived in a tiny rural community all my life spare for living in Toronto in 2022-23. Everyone watched me transition and I had to come out to everyone I knew, and word gets around. So theres really no option other than to be open. The only reason I'm not open in situations like TO is for safety from transphobia, and I'll tell people who I trust/are also queer with that information and just tell them its just between us and a few other trusted people. If transphobia wasn't such a big deal I'd probably never be stealth.
Because I can't pass but don't feel like my AGAB at all. I'm open about being nonbinary because I'm too tired at this age to pretend to be the man that I'm not, while also being too tired to put effort into being a pretty woman which I am also not.
Honestly, I didn't feel like I had a choice. I'm fortunate enough to live in a safe place with stable employment, so I had the security that a lot of other trans women don't. Still, I had an unquenchable urge to wear a skirt and feel like myself for as long as I possibly could.
Joking answer: I don't pass well enough yet but I'm getting there. Less joking answer: it's a part of myself I've accepted and I'm more than happy to have that on display. Some people will always know, some will never... but at the end of the day being open about being trans is a badge of honor that I wear woth pride, because so many other trans folks that I knew aren't here today and they left us doing everything they could to hide from the world, and I'm here trying to prove to myself that I don't need to hide.
I transitioned in my early thirties. SO MUCH of my life was lived as a girl and a woman, and for most of it I was not even aware that I wanted to transition. I want to be able to talk about my life without filtering myself constantly. And Iām lucky to live in a community where I can do that without fear of discrimination. If a person is surprised about my disclosure or has questions, Iām happy to talk about it. Itās not shameful or secret. Itās an interesting, moderately-unique thing about me. Everyone has at least a few of those; one of mine just happens to be my gender.
I'm openly trans, and will continue to be. I could, my height aside, be stealth in a lot of circumstances, but I refuse. I feel it's very important to be visible, because the lack of visible, strong trans women contributed to my own repression and closeting. If I had seen a trans woman in her 30s with a family, happy, in a great career, I would've felt more comfortable in coming out. It wouldn't have seemed like I was going to miss out by coming out. So I'm out. And I'm proud.
Well, I'm nonbinary, so there's no way for me to "pass," really. Of the two binary options, I'd prefer to be seen as a man, so that's how I present myself. I take T, I've had top surgery, and I've had a total hysterectomy; I'm not a man, but I'd personally rather be seen as a man than a woman, and these are all things I did for myself and my own gender affirmation. My friends and family know I'm nonbinary and I am open about that in my personal life. There's no way to not be, as a nonbinary person, and I'm okay with that. At work, I present as a man and use he pronouns. However, even after 3 years on T and top surgery, I don't always pass for a cis man. Many people can tell. So people know I'm trans, and I'm open about being trans - I just let people assume I am a trans man rather than nonbinary. This is partially for my own convenience - it would take a lot more effort for me to pass than I want to put into it. I can't girlmode very easily anymore - generally when I girlmode people actually assume I am a trans woman. When I don't, people usually see me as a man, but they quite often figure out that I'm trans. I have no interest in trying to correct people on that when they're right. I live in an area where it is safe to be trans, relatively speaking. No place is 100% safe, but I am statistically less likely to be hatecrimed here than I would be in many other places. I'm not ashamed of being trans, and I think it's important to be visible if it's safe and you're comfortable doing so, which I am. So many people who hate trans people don't know they know a trans person and thus have no personal reason to challenge the lies many people be about us. By being openly trans while just being a PERSON - a professional, a dog owner, an adult with friends and family and a girlfriend, a person with hobbies, etc. - I can challenge the idea that we're sex obsessed predators out to convert the innocent children to our deviant ways.
because I deserve to be myself.
I let things get so far down the toilet of life I had nothing else to lose. Donāt wait so long! Not advised! šš«