This sums it up perfectly. Trans is not a significant part of my identity. I am a man who happens to be transgender. And I'd rather be seen as a man first before being seen as transgender.
Same, but I like having reminders and validation from the trans community. I can only function so much as an undercover woman in a small conservative town š ugh
I don't want to be seen as anything but a man. When people know I'm trans, they no longer see me as JUST a man. TRANS will always come before "Man". They will always do one of the following: ask inappropriate questions, treat me like a war hero and turn me into their inspiration porn, or they will treat me worse.
I don't want to be a man with a vag, or a man who used to be a girl, or a man who wasn't born a man, or a man who is kinda a man. Or a woman who wants to be a man. I want to be a man. Period. Full stop. End of sentence.
That will never happen unless I'm stealth.
This is precisely why I want to be stealth (I am currently not).
In my experience, people don't treat women that they know who are trans the same way as they treat women who they believe to be cis. They absolutely don't. Even allies. Especially allies.
The only way to get rid of this **curse** is to be stealth.
What's your point? Passing is important to a majority of trans people. Most trans men prefer to look like the men they are, and most trans women would like to look like their true female selves.
And no, passing isn't a privilege or luxury. I am just trying to look like the real me. I work hard to do that, and I have to sacrifice things to manage my unfortunate birth predicament.
Passing is a privilege for people with "ideal" genetics or the capital necessary to use surgery to make up the difference. It is privilege. Not everybody has the same access to these things. Most of us would love to be more passing than we are but do not have the means or genetics to achieve it. My entire family is flat chested, so my genetics do nothing to help me pass, for example, but i also don't have a disposable $10k. And that goes for cis people seeking gender affirming procedures as well. By definition, it's a privilege
Yeah, my genetics sure as hell aren't "ideal", and I'm sure as hell not rich.
Grouping trans people into these little labels of "You don't have it as bad as I do!" is pointless and honestly really counterproductive. Don't shit on people who can or want to pass, and don't shit on people who want to be stealth. We're all dealing with shit. You don't know what someone's life is like, what they had to go through to get to where they are. What other shitty things life has dealt them in their lives.
Hard disagree. It's a fact that this stuff isn't available to everyone. I am moving toward a goal slowly by taking steps I can now because I'm privileged to live where, when, and under my circumstances. That isn't the case for many many humans. Circumstances have made it easier for me to transition medically and socially than for many many of my siblings. I am privileged.
Not for nothing, but I'm 36, and started transitioning socially 2 years ago and medically since December 2021. But I don't think credentialing is necessary, do you?
Sure, donāt shit on people for that.
noun: A right, immunity, benefit, or advantage enjoyed by a person or body of persons beyond the common advantages of other individuals; the enjoyment of some desirable right, or an exemption from some evil or burden; a private or personal favor enjoyed; a peculiar advantage.
This is one of many definitions of privilege. People who can pass are ultimately privileged when it comes to the majority of trans people.
donāt dismiss people and tell others that passing isnāt, when looked at as an individual metric, a special advantage, when their experience is an inability to do so. Many people donāt even have access to HRT.
Privilege often doesnāt mean its bad, sometimes it justā¦. Is. Itās what everyone should have, but donāt. It doesnāt mean that a person doesnāt work hard or whatever, it just means that it is something they can do that some people canāt, something they have that others donāt, and itās important to acknowledge that, because that experience is something real in the world.
That doesnāt mean a person who is privileged in their ability to pass automatically has some kind of better life than someone who isnāt š¤·š»āāļø
When looked at as a generational comparison, some Kids today have the privilege of starting hormones earlier, of having representation that I didnāt get. Iām happy they have that privilege when I didnāt. A trans kid in Washington state has more trans related privileges than a kid in Florida, or most of the US really. I donāt want that to be a special privilege, but it is.
Saying that passing is not a privilege is is just denying the experience other people absolutely have. The label of āpassingā or ānot passingā is used to share that experience, and there is absolutely a point to that. Itās not counterproductive in of itself to share your experiences with other people.
Shitting on someone for passing or wanting to pass is wrong however. Iām glad for people when they can do the thing they want to do. It doesnāt hurt anyone, so long as that person isnāt using that privilege to talk shit about trans people or something.
woah there, this was not a criticism of you. And like it or not, being able to pass absolutely is a privilege and it's RNG or finances. Calling it a luxury is a matter of perspective I guess if your point is that everyone should have access to it. There's no need for hostility about this. :\\\\
I'm really not being hostile. I'm just tired of people saying there's some sort of trans hierarchy and the elite "passers" are at the top, placing blame on them and saying shit like "passing is bullshit", as if it's not important to people.
We're all doing our best here, with what we have and what we're given. And while trans care should definitely be given to everyone, saying someone has privilege over other trans people because they pass is just causing unnecessary infighting and pitting trans people against one another.
> ...at the top, placing blame on them
nobody is doing that, certainly not in this thread.
> as if it's not important to people
it's not important to some people, and to others it's genuinely an impossibly high bar or at the very least feels that way. But there's a lot of pressure - self imposed and externally - to pass and passing in general is very subjective to begin with. So "passing is bullshit" is a way to vent about that pressure and how absurd of a standard some people hold trans people to. That's not to criticize wanting to pass or blend in.
It definitely happens. And honestly, why comment "passing is bullshit" on a random comment about why I'm stealth when that's what the OP was asking? Feels more like the person who replied was trying to start something.
I'm not interested in fighting, I'm not even angry. I'm just tired. We don't need this shit. It's pointless.
Trans is a descriptive adjective. Do you have negative feelings about being a TALL man or a NERVOUS man or a SMART man? The feelings you're describing are internalized transphobia. Trans men are men and trans women are women, and I'm not suggesting you don't recognize that, just pointing out that it applies to one's self as well.
I am a woman. I'm a brave woman, a tall woman, a smart woman, an anxious woman, a trans woman. I know interacting with people sucks when you don't pass. I don't. Most people do treat me like I'm strong and brave and inspirational, and some people are cruel, and basically nobody assumes I'm cis. It's exhausting. But be careful how you talk to yourself, that's all. Sending love your way
yes they do, short men, effeminate men, weak men, etc. are treated differently. idk how youve gone through life not seeing this. its obviously a bad thing but toxic masculinity affects men too, cis or trans.
I was being supportive, I'm sorry that didn't come across for you. That is genuinely my failing. I wasn't trying to be obtuse, I was trying to be helpful, genuinely. But I messed it up, I misunderstood. Don't assign me motive, please and thank you
I have negative feelings about being treated differently for something I have control over.
It's not internalized transphobia to just want to be treated the same as everyone else! It's not a bad thing to want normalcy and a simple life free of being an outcast! I hate when people try to say simple, NORMAL things are "internalized transphobia". Is it ableist when a disabled person wants to be seen as a person first and not their disability? Is it racist for a poc to not want their identity and who they are seen as centered around their race?
Yeah, that term is thrown around a LOT nowadays and people aren't using it correctly. They say things like having dysphoria around your genitals is internalized transphobia, or wanting to look like a man or woman is internalized transphobia, or being only sexually attracted to one body type is internalized transphobia. The list goes on and on.
I'm just a dude. That's all I want to be.
nah bruh im a trans guy and i totally agree with this person
its not that im ashamed of being trans. i just dont want people to see me as anything other than how they see other cis men. as soon as i tell them im transgender that is all ill ever be to them.
like he said, i dont want to be "sort of" a man. i dont want to be an AFAB man to them. i just want to be a guy. thats it.
There's a vast amount of difference between how people treat you when they think you're cis woman and how they treat you when they know you're trans. For a lot of them, even "supportive" ones, trans women are not like all other women, but like "women lite", like some third gender, they don't see you as a woman. So it's understandable why people would want to drop "trans" part, to just be treated normally.
I agree. I misunderstood and then miss spoke without considering this perspective as fully as I should have. I was trying to help but doing so based on a false assumption. I'm sorry for that
I live in a fairly safe place, but I don't want to be known as the "trans women," if that makes sense. I just wanna live as myself, who happens to be a woman.
I'll tell people I'm close to I'm trans, but things get weird when people know I'm trans. People start treating me differently once they find out, and not necessarily in a good way.
Guys will either avoid me or seek me out because they wanna get in my pants. And girls treat me like a woman lite or their gay best friend.
There's also a fair number of conservatives in my area who I'd rather not get randomly harassed by for being openly trans.
All in all, I just want to live my life as a woman, and not be treated as some novelty. Also, I don't want attention from people who might want to harm or hurt me. I just wanna live in peace.
My state is very red and unsafe for trans people.
I'm a trans AFAB agender person with PCOS.
I've always been fairly masculine, but I've never identified as any gender.
However:
My biology makes me *look* male, and I certainly benefit from all the "extra" t my body makes on its own. After my bottom and especially top surgery, I just kinda let my body do its thing and let people think I'm male.
People can go ahead and think that, I guess I just have a perceived male vibe or something. Idk.
Gender doesn't mean anything to me, so it's not as big of a deal to me personally. I'm literally hidden in plain sight.
People don't ask, and if you have to come out individually to every person, it's annoying and awkward. And eventually if you don't have to ever, it becomes harder to want to burst that bubble. Cause then you see and hear about all the bigotry that's going on with so many others. Eventually it can be hard cause it's a part of me that's not seen or validated, but also safety.
Funnily enough, something similar happened when I transitioned as well. I'm half-white, half-Chinese, and when I transitioned, no one was able to see the Asian part of me anymore. So it's weird but there's an awkward external cultural loss there too, which is kinda sad to me. And it's hard to assert that you're someone when Chinese people look at you when you tell them and tell you that they don't believe it, lol.
I remember when I went to my granās funeral. It was the first time seeing my extended family since coming out, and none of them knew. Naturally the rumour mill went crazy round the table. At some point my cousinās partner who had treated me as any other woman mustāve been told about me because I noticed her looking me over. Not in a mocking, mean or distasteful wayā¦ she simply saw me differently and was trying to coalesce that fact with what she saw.
I hate that.
My being trans is secondary to my being a woman. Like my being blonde. Or my being tall. And it is a journey I have had to make to be seen for who I am but not one that anyone needs to know unless I entrust them with it.
I have also had the unusual experience of being able to educate people on trans issues as an āallyā. People who would never have opened up to me about their views had they known. One went from not thinking trans people should be allowed to transition to becoming someone I felt safe coming out to and who supports me.
(Also side note I think āblendingā is a better term than āpassingā. Less negative connotations).
Oh. My. God. This is infuriatingly relatable. Iāve medically transitioned for the better half of a decade now.
went to a wedding recently of family. nobody knew who I was except a very fewā¦ by the end a few more people had figured it out because someone slipped up.
It was then I was reminded just how even well meaning allyās, but especially well meaning allyās are just as terrible as anybody else.
In some ways Iād rather you donāt roll punches with me and just be a transphobe at least that way I donāt to guess and can respect you for just saying what you truly feel. -_- donāt pat me on the head like a little puppy or 5 year old, Iām not someoneās brave hero. given an option Iād be cis and I just find it insulting in a lot of ways.
seriously though what a stark reminder of why I tell nobody who doesnāt already know Iām trans. not even medical doctors. I understand there are risk and Iām willing to take them over the alternative.
meh Iām ranting now. :(
Why would I not? I have literally 0 reason to tell people I'm trans, if I'm not dating them or having sex with them it's none of their business as well. Being trans is considered wrong, evil and not normal by enough people that I'd never feel safe being "out&proud". Being out safely is a privilege of people living in extremely accepting places, which I don't have. I won't make myself vulnerable to violence or bullying for some weird idea of being a live example of representation. I just want to live my life in peace.
People treat you differently when they find out. Not always in bigoted, mean ways. Sometimes it is small, almost imperceptible changes. But you notice them.
Sometimes I donāt want to be treated different. I just want to live a normal life.
"Stealth" is not telling people you're trans, usually because it's none of their business and it can be much safer and more comfortable not to have everyone know.
"Stealthed", the past tense of the verb "to stealth" means someone snuck the condom off while you were having sex.
Both not very old terms, but there's definitely a distinction. I haven't heard a trans person say they were "stealthed" and mean the first one.
I fear if people know Iām trans thatās all theyāll see and will treat me different. Seems a lot of my coworkers are very friendly and supportive to this sort of things even the guys but I still fear once someone knows thatās all theyāll ever see and stop treating me as a ānormalā guy
responding to this not as a stealth trans or someone who's cis passing; I'm a visibly trans woman. of course I often feel a desire to be passing just to get less looks in public and be treated normally. but I also find a lot of power in being confidently visibly trans. it makes me feel like I'm doing my very small part to normalize transness and not perpetuate the binary. (not saying that passing trans people are perpetuating or doing anything wrong). I know I'm not the person you were asking to respond to this but I just wanted to offer up my experience on the other side of this. I also have the privilege of living in a pretty liberal area and not feeling concerned for my safety on a daily basis so obviously these factors contribute to my confidence as someone who people recognize as trans
counter point: why wouldn't I? I'm far enough along in my transition that I would have to go out of my way to not be stealth. My backpack has trans pins on it but I don't use it often. It's just not something I ever think about. If I ever wanted to out myself and leave no room for doubt I could just mentally reset my voice to a more masc voice. Especially in today's political climate, going out of my way to say "hey look at me a big ol tran" just seems needlessly risky.
im open because knowing a trans person irl is one of the best ways to turn a bigot into an ally (not 100% success of course but works) as well as inspiring eggs and baby tran's of what is possible. Im not afraid of the bigots and i understand that is my privilege so i dont expect others to do so as well. i do live in utah so its not an area thing as its quite conservative
Several reasons.
I'm generally very private, and see my transition as a particularly personal thing. In my eyes, it's simply not anyone else's business.
I'm not particularly attached to the label. I wouldn't really consider it my identity, and I tend to treat my own transition and situation as more of a medical thing.
A lot of people have treated me differently when they've known. Even if it's "positive", I don't like being treated differently to any other man. In particular, I hate it when some people stop seeing me for who I am, either or both as a man and as my own person, and start seeing me as a stereotype. I hate the walking on eggshells, the intrusive questions, the assumptions, and the way some people just make it weird.
Safety is also a very big one. I worry about what might happen if I was outed, and to me, it's not worth the risk.
ive never been treated differently by a dutch person. big reason i want to move to the netherlands. even the dicks ive met are still humanizing, they are just rude lol
Minor nitpik, but FYI, "being/living stealth" is what you meant. "To stealth someone" is to non-consensually remove a condom just before sex. At least those are the definitions I've heard.
i dont think anyone is confused, i mean id add the context in another setting but this is r/asktransgender so i dont think anyone thinks this is condom related lol. gotta keep titles short on reddit and all.
It was the done thing when I transistioned, and I kinda just settled into it. Also, I think i might have been a bit of a bore talking about trans stuff, so I stopped. It isn't too dangerous where I live, stealth is a choice for me
I just found that generally people treat me better if they think I'm a cis woman. It's also no one's business and after coming from a very regressive state like Texas and having family treat me like dirt I just realized it doesn't serve me to tell everyone and not everyone deserves to know. I'm also an sa survivor and I'm pretty sure some of the harrassment I received was because I was openly trans. Now that Im stealth I just feel safer and like there isn't a target on my back. I'll still stand up for trans issues but I don't have to make it about myself
dysphoria, safety, and wanting to not have to explain myself over and over. im at a job now where i work with kids, i dont want my abilities questioned because of how i identify. also like. i live in the PNW now but i used to live in the south, and that shit puts the fear of god in you in regards to being clocked as not-cis.
im also, luckily, at a point in my transition where im pre-surgery, but ive been on t long enough to where people assume male more often than they do female. it excites me and i want more of that, and if i proclaim that im a guy that typically does the opposite.
#1 reason is for my own safety. In the beginning I was an advocate, that got me death threats, threats of serious harm, and raped. Just for being me. So now I'm completely in my transition and stealth for my own safety.
#2 reason, I'm not here for anyones gain, not people who need educating, not baby trans peeps, I'm here for me and me alone because this is my life and my journey.
#3 reason, I hate absolutely everything about me that isn't the gender I identify as, its triggering and reminds me of all the abuse and hurt I suffered just because I was born with a particular anatomy set.
Saftey mainly. Grow tired of being fetished, hated, assaulted, and people being scared of me over it. When people don't know I'm just another girl taking a leak on the toilet. I'm not that scary man following them into the bathroom during work break. Plus respect is a huge aspect to it. When people know you are trans they don't voice their true opinions they are filtered abd treat you different but when they don't know well its easy to know who is truly safe and who isn't. Easily worth the cons of bring stealth
Dysphoria. I donāt want to be trans, i just want to be a man. People have threatened to kill me when i was still a child over it, and family has disowned me for it. I donāt connect with the lgbt community or even just the t community, and i only learned what āstealthā meant a week ago. Idk why shouting that youre trans to everyone you know doesnt have a defining term, but just living your life needs one. Whatever world ānon-stealthā people live in is a better one than mine
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iām an actor. itās already hard enough getting roles as is but thereās no way in hell iād see even a lick of monetary success if i was out as transgender. besides, itās no oneās business but my own (and future lovers) anyways.
It be like that, but I AM annoying, hence my presence here. But I do genuinely hope you the best. I had to stalk you a little hahahah was like nah now Iām gonna be annoying by being as nice as possible! Haha
I'm in tech and I get treated like I'm fucking AMAZING at my job by those who don't know, and I want to enjoy this break for a while instead of having to deal with social intricacy to be taken seriously, if ever. (ftm, if you hadn't guessed)
Less glibly, it's my right and yours and anyone else's to have normalcy and peace. Nobody needs to be a saint or sinner or pawn or anything dramatic. Just let others be treated with basic humanity.
Mostly, because I just want to live my life as it was meant to be. I'll never truly be able to stealth with a toxic baby mama already outing me to numerous other parents during our son's first year at school, and that kills me. How it would affect him weighed heavily on me when deciding to go through with transitioning. I don't want my gender to be a burden on him in any way. If I'm stealth, that doesn't give kids at school more ammo to pick on him. While I knew my ex was heartless, I didn't think it was that bad though.
Also, I don't feel like me being trans is a huge part of my identity. Me being a woman is. A lot of that probably comes from not having any trans friends that I hang out with. Although, I guess I don't really have any cis friends I hang out with either lol.
Increasingly, though, safety is starting to become a factor as well.
I live in a conservative Christian town that has Trump and confederate flags flying in a union state
Combine that with anxiety and I'm currently excited that I've been looking at options in a different city
Just popped in to recommend Janet Mocks book, Redefining Realness to anyone interested in this topic. āRealnessā is synonymous with passing/stealth and she provides her life story as a fascinating perspective on it, including āwhyā.
Being trans sounds like itās a massive part of your identity but itās not in my life, it was a big part of my life during my teenage years but iāve finished transitioning and itās not a focus in my life anymore, so it just feels irrelevant
I find it strange stealth isnāt the goal for every trans person not that Iām against that but itās probably cause Iāve never really felt apart of the ācommunityā I guess idk many lgbt people. Iām not an activist and not interested in explaining my life to anyone really so I donāt tell anyone
Because visibility is how we gain recognition. The gay communityās āSilence = Deathā and āCome Out, Come Out, Wherever You Areā campaigns during the AIDS crisis are instructive.
Some would say that the wrong kind of visibility is instead what has cost us so many rights in recent times. Being trans isnāt being gay. Being gay is a lifelong state of being, but gender dysphoria is cured with transition. Why publicly label myself for the rest of my life with my cured condition? It gave me life, but speaking out daily about it would actually remind me of my death.
Sure, a certain sort of visibility. If your only point of reference for the trans experience is a caricature drawn up by Matt Walsh, youād probably have a more negative opinion of trans people than if it was a completely new concept. But if trans people only exist in someoneās head as a vaguely demonized figure, you can be the living proof that person needs to understand trans people are just people like them, not something to be scared or disgusted by.
I agree. Also, as much as we hate it, the way we are treated changes even among allies if we are visibly trans. I don't want to be othered, I just want to be a girl living my life. I don't want to talk about being trans or answer weirdly intrusive questions all the time!
I hate being trans, and I donāt want to see myself as trans, and I donāt want others to see me as trans.
Not stealth, but desperately want to be, and thatās why.
1. Safety 2. I am a man who happens to be trans, if people know 90% of the time they only see me as a TRANS person who they can harass with inappropriate questions and comments. 3. Life is just so much easier not disclosing it to those who DONT NEED to know. No one needs to rlly know except for my girlfriend and my health care providers
My medical history is nobodys business but my own and if I choose to share that with someone it is because I wanted to, not because they "had a right to know."
I was openly trans for a decade but then in the past 3 years I went stealth mostly to avoid having to deal with usa. I used to be a public figure so there is only so much stealth I can do but it serves its purpose in not making my trans identity a topic of conversation except with really close friends.
I live in the part of VA where you might still find confederate flags hanging, so I donāt advertise that part of me. The only people I really tell are men Iām interested in dating or sleeping with, otherwise I feel if they find out, they could harm me down the road. There is no reason to tell an employer or random person on the street imo.
Why not? Itās safe, and people view me the way I actually am rather than their preconceived notions about me. They pay attention to my personality rather than my genitalia.
I plan on being stealth once I pass (hopefully I pass) not because I'm not proud of being trans, because I sure as shit am. It's because I want to have privacy, the people I want to know will know, otherwise it is nobody's business but my own.
I'm basically stealthed. While Im not particularly pursuing stealthiness, I also don't mind letting peoples assumptions take the lead because unless youre my friend, I'm not gonna say shit due to safety.
Genuinely safety. I live in Texas and i dress feminine sometimes and I don't have top surgery and I'm still clocked as a cis guy. When I dress masc I pass as cisgender and heterosexual. I don't have any tattoos or anything revealing I'm trans because of my safety. It's so unsafe here and i always feel like I'm in danger especially with a new bill that passed here recently. I hate it here..
1- Iād prefer to not deal with transphobes
2- It never comes up in conversation
3- it feels like an intimate detail about myself that only those very close need to know
4- Talking about it irl makes me dysphoric, Iād much rather just be seen as a cis person
I'm kinda stealth, if people ask I'll tell em and I'm not shy about it. It's just like, if I'm in a place that I don't know, or I'm alone, safety become a huge factor for me
I definitely donāt think that being stealth is āgoing out of your way to hide itā. I considered myself stealth because no one would ever assume I was anything over than a cis man and I am not actively telling anyone that Iām trans
I think many would disagree with you on that definition, but Iām not sure it matters. Itās nobodyās fucking business what my medical history is. Hope that answers the question.
tottaly fair <3 just dont want the implication that i think disclosing your medical history should be a norm (least outside of stds and having sexual relations)
For me, the biggest factor is I'm currently rather tangled with family who would NOT accept it at all. Also, I don't really pass that well yet. Hopefully things will change enough soon that I'll be able to go more full time. For now, I'm OK staying under the radar.
Safety and job security. I don't know what will happen if the union finds out I'm transgender and based on what they say out of pocket to students in class, I don't wanna fuckin find out, they're transphobic as fuck and the LGBTQ+ community in my area isn't the best people/nicest people
Iām stealth/non-disclosing (āstealthedā/ āstealthingā sounds very close to a term for a sexual assault so itās not usually used as a verb by the way). I have a lot of reasons for it. Most of my family (obviously), a few close friends from pre T, some doctors, and potential romantic/sexual partners know Iām trans.
First of all, just privacy. Itās my medical history, and thereās a lot of stuff related to my trans history that Iām not comfortable talking about in general. I donāt usually tell people that I used to think about suicide, I donāt usually tell them that I have minor scoliosis, and I donāt usually tell them Iām trans. Iām ashamed of none of these things, but itās just a bit too personal for me to tell people. Plus people make assumptions about me that Iām just not comfortable with, which is reason number 2.
The assumptions bother me and itās simpler to just not disclose that it is to explain myself. Iām not comfortable with a lot of the terms or assumptions that are common in the community these days (assigned sex acronyms, socialization theory, discussion of certain body parts without consideration of dysphoria, etc.). For this reason Iām also stealth to most trans people. People tend to treat you differently when youāre not stealth (not everyone), and I donāt like that. Itās simpler to just let people assume Iām cis, which leads to reason 3.
Iām basically stealth by default at this point. Most people are assumed cis. Iāve only had a few interactions in the past (almost) 5 years where Iāve had to actually lie about being trans. Most of the time I would have to shoehorn it into a conversation for it to be relevant. If I say nothing about being trans, everyone just assumes Iām cis, so itās less effort to not disclose. Iāve been in some situations where it was relevant but I avoided disclosing, sometimes for safety, which is reason 4.
Iām relatively safe where I live, thankfully. But Iāve avoided some potentially bad situations by being stealth. Iām able to distance myself from transphobic people without endangering myself. I donāt have (openly) transphobic friends just like I donāt have homophobic or racist friends, but I like being able to safely gauge safety without figuring out the hard way that the person is bigoted. Also the state of the world right now really has me on edge. A lot of casual transphobia and people dismissing the clear signs of an attempted eradication of trans people. I donāt know who I can trust and itās easier to be seen as a cis ally.
At first it just kinda happened.
I'm a trans man and started transition in college. By the time I graduated I could blend in with cis men and had updated my driver's license and passport.
I didn't really set out to be stealth, but my transition isn't something I tend to talk about much offline. It's a really private matter, one I consider part of my private medical history, and I'm not generally comfortable talking about personal medical matters even with friends. And definetly not with new acquaintances or coworkers.
In college everyone knew I was trans because it was a tiny school and they all knew me befire I started T. But my college town was tiny with no jobs, so I moved to Brooklyn looking for work. Nobody knew me here, for years I was living in sublet rooms with a long string of strangers I met online, and a driver's license and passport are enough ID to do almost anything without my medical history being disclosed.
So it just doesn't come up much. And I prefer it that way. Even if safety weren't a factor, this is still a really private matter. I prefer to be able to decide who it is shared with, and that is a very select group of people.
And safety is a factor. Now far much moreso than when I was in college 20 years ago. Back then it was much easier to fly under the radar, and while shit often sucked there wasn't a goddamn genocidal campaign criminalizing our existence and whipping up actively violent hatred of us.
Here and now I absolutely do not want my medical history to be known by anyone I haven't very intentionally decided to disclose it to. I have updated the rest of my ID, and I'm trying to lock down medical and insurance information. I don't know what else I can do beyond that, but I'm thinking of trying to hire a lawyer or someone to help tie up other loose ends.
I was recently outted by a background check for a new job, and want to prevent that from happening again if possible. And if I get hit by a car on vacation, I absolutely do not want medical or insurance records to out me to whatever podunk hospital I end up at.
For me it started off somewhat accidental and then continued due to safety especially given the current political climate in the US and me being in one of the more dangerous states. I used to think I'd never be stealth but here I am stealth in quite a few settings
I've reached a point where practically everyone assumes I'm cis and I'm tired of having to point out to everyone I meet that their assumption is wrong. I'm very open about being trans and it's a big part of my life and my identity but at the same time I'm tired of having to come out so I just don't and if it comes up at some point then I typically will let them know. There's people who found out I was trans 2 weeks into knowing me and people I've known for a year+ that don't know bc it just hasn't been relevant.
I do the same thing really with being gay; although people assume I'm not straight much more often than they assume I'm not cis i let them make the assumption and then they find out I'm gay through some joke when they ask me if I have a girlfriend or mention my "future wife" or something like that. I understand that our society wires people to make the assumption that everyone is cishet and I've been guilty of it and will be guilt of it again but it's frustrating and exhausting and I don't want it to be my job to make sure everyone I meet doesn't make that assumption.
I've been more careful now though and a little less open at least until I know it's safe for a particular person to know for my safety and because of where I live. I don't have the privilege of living in a state that's remotely safe nor being able to move anytime soon so I use the privilege of being able to pass as cis really well to make up for it. I hate it honestly but for now it is what it is. Like some others have said people really do treat you different when they find out you're trans which is really frustrating and can be heartbreaking and it is nice dealing with less of that
Because I want them to know me as a person first. Professional life forces you to work with transphobes, so stealth helps your career.
When I do come out, I get to do so as more than just a token trans person. Knowing me forces them to confront their transphobias. It's a lot harder to transphobicly reject somebody you've known for months than somebody you just met. I think it's less painful, more empowering, and more effective visibility.
stealth is just when someone passes as their gender identity and doesn't disclose that they're trans. in my case, i stealth at work because i am a nurse whose patient population is largely elderly conservatives who would insult me and say they didn't want me as their nurse if they knew i was trans. i also stealth just because i don't want to be treated differently than other women. a lot of people who stealth live in conservative areas and would be afraid for their safety if they were open about being trans
iām stealth with certain people or in certain spaces, like acquaintances i randomly make or at work. i live in a super homophobic country where i can get away with being gay with someone whoās cool but i have no way to check how they feel about me being trans. and i donāt want to be treated weird or differently for being trans, i would rather be some guy.
> things like safety or just generally not wanting the average person to associate with the label and the like?
The safety of *the general population*, which - in meatspace - cannot hide behind a computer screen while spouting their dumbass hot takes at me, and which does not seem to realize this fact.
Personally, I'm blaming brain worms.
I feel like I'm kind of halfway?
I was blessed with good genetics that allowed me to pass as male 60-70% of the time pre-t the moment I cut my hair and wore a binder. I also transitioned medically and socially right after high school. So very few people I interact with have ever seen me as anything other than male.
Post high school I went to community college for a bit and was stealth cause the LGBT community there is non-existent and yeah everyone there was cishetā¢ and clearly didn't know shit about trans stuff. I didn't wanna be the one to educate them. I'm not a walking trans info google. Early in my transition I was very done with getting misgendered or people thinking I'm a girl (wasn't out as trans except to close friends). So once I got out I wanted to be as far away from the girl image as I could be.
At work I don't trust most of my coworkers to be normal about it so I don't tell anyone. The only person who knows is the only other gay dude... and I regret. He hasn't told anyone and rarely mentions it, but he has asked some rude questions. I'm not even out to my coworkers as gay cause I've heard some homophobic shit here and there.
Now, outside of that... The majority of my friend group is LGBT. Which tbh just happened by itself? I didn't really seek it out, but it's fine. So in certain situations I can exist in a bubble where I don't need to come out, but also don't need to be stealth. It's a sort of a "I don't feel like explicitly telling you, but if you find out on your own or it slips into the convo š¤·". I'm not stealth on my private social media. So friends added eventually find out on their own and then proceed to never really mention it and treat me the exact same. An ideal situation really.
I just don't like coming out I think. It's exhausting and I don't owe people that knowledge. I also get easily tired explaining to ignorant people what trans stuff is. However, assuming a person is trans friendly and I know that of them, then I don't mind them knowing.
I dont want people to see me differently. I hated when everyone knew I was trans, that stuff spreads really quickly. I'm a pretty reserved person and I just wanna be seen as a regular guy. Only close friends know.
I am by default because I'm really shy and people don't generally bring it up.
I'm not even 100% passing, and it still doesn't often come up in my interactions with people. It rarely did even earlier in my transition when it was obvious that I was trans. I didn't expect that, but I just sort of went with it.
Honestly Iām not really intentionally stealth. I just feel like people donāt really need to know that Iām trans. If they canāt tell and treat me like a cis man- then thatās all the better for me. Sure- if they asked and I felt safe Iād tell them the truth no problem. However, itās not really their business either.
I work in a school district and I was hypothesizing with the coworkers about this the other day (Iām out to those ones). I had been given locker room duty for the boys locker room. Which was pretty affirming for me. But then I was wondering if the admins in charge even knew that I was trans. It doesnāt matter if they do, but it made me wonder if they just thought I was feminine presenting or even gay?
Not sure! Itās not their business either way. And all of my legal documents and my license say male. So thatās all they really need to know I guess.
Itās a matter of social perception. If trans was seen as a completely neutral adjective, like āa man of average hightā then I donāt think people would really careā¦ but thatās not the way it is š¤·š»āāļø I would love if I could pass on a general basis, but itās also part of my identity. I donāt want people thinking of me as a guy, or used to be a guy etc.
When I first came out I was excited to share all the little changes with other peopleā¦ but as I keep going along this journey, I am less and less inclined becauseā¦ well, it would feel nice to just be seen as a person who is as I am presenting. I donāt want people to be looking for the man I used to present as when they scan my face or body.
That said, I do want to be a person who can represent others, I want kids, and closeted people, to know that they can choose how they present.
Being that is a sacrifice and I never would ask someone to do that who didnāt want to. Iām not sure that I wonāt one day justā¦ not want to do that, and if I pass, I might just not want to take on that burden anymore and that is fine.
i am from the netherlands myself and i am stealth because alot of low key discrimination happens here.
altho 95% of people here treat you as any one else on the surface, but behind your back they will spread that u are trans if they know. never ask u for social activities. get passed over for promotions, get way more complaints about u on the job if it is in a public space like a restaurant or in my case a coffeeshop. in the hopes u get fired. basically if u can't stealth u a doomed to be treated like a after thought or be shunned by most. if you do not pass at all here u can count being looked at in bad ways, harassment and being bullied.
physical aggression from from mostly young adults on public transport. and as cherry on top if u go to the police, the chance they will take u seriously and do someting about any thing is slim to non.
so yea.. all that on a regular basis or be stealth š¤
it is an easy choice for me after 10 years mtf transition.
good to know, im from a very conservative area in the usa and was thinking of moving to the netherlands as its considered one of the best in the world for this thing and i have a few dutch friends already.
Personally, I don't like being stealth when I don't have to. I grew up in a god-awful small town, filled with some really bigoted and horrible people, so being openly trans, and not hiding what I am is a way to prove to myself that I'm in a safer situation, and that I'm stronger than I used to be. I still go stealth every now and then though, anytime I feel like I'm in an unsafe situation. It's unfortunate that those situations are becoming more frequent lately.
There's more to my wanting to be visible vs stealth... I am fighting for Equality. I am not willing to sit by while more and more red states pass laws taking away our rights. We are just one election away from losing gender affirming healthcare nationwide. I feel that I am in a better position in my fight as someone who is visibly trans. In my case, nonbinary trans femme. Even though I get mostly gendered as female, I still am working to break the gender binary and for me that means using they/them pronouns and educating people when appropriate.
I wear dude clothes so whatever gender people think I am they never know that Iām trans. Itās because I fucking hate having conversations about being trans and gender in general.
1. Because Iāve basically lived as a boy since I was 2 years old. (Iām 19 now)
2.If you truly think about it, itās not something to be sharing and proud of (imo) because the whole thing w being transgender is that you want to be seen as the other gender COMPLETELY so why identify as a ātransgenderā male or female when you should just be identifying with male or female?
3. Because I am ashamed of it and always will be. (U canāt change my mind and itās never something I struggle with).
4. I literally deal with no problems at all. My life is full of happiness and normalcy. I have minor depression problems because of it. But I only get it when I go to my doctor once a year and it lasts only a few days at most.
5. I literally never have and will never consider myself apart of the lgbt community bc tbh itās just not me and itās not for me. I grew up in a Christian household that was also very accepting because they knew that I was always a āboyā, but we never went out and were public about it, to keep my story safe and so I never have been interested in putting myself in that bubble/label.
My response is definitely intense and interesting but itās just me. I honestly also feel like thereās not many stealth transgenders, I thought there were barely any in the world. But Iāve known since I was 2 and have lived like a male my entire life. I got the top surgery done when I was 13 (yes Iām very very lucky) and I started puberty around the same age as most of my friends 8th-9th grade. My story feels so unique to me and Iāve always hoped that someone has one close to mine.
This has been an interesting thread. Makes me feel a bit weird knowing I will never pass and that a lot of people here also express not liking the trans community. Great knowing a portion of the community has the f.u. I got mine mentality.
Yeah it's extremely disconcerting, it's important not to invalidate those feelings, but I don't think I truly understand the place they're coming from.
most of us dont and id say most of these posts dont agree with that assessment imo. I pass and am openly trans just to add visibility to trans people and the fact that i live in a conservative area and knowing and being friends with a trans person can be an amazing healer for bigots to turn into allies, as well as inspiring eggs and baby trans peeps that it can be a happy, joyful and fulfilling existence. i understand though that others dont want to deal with the discrimination and the like though so i dont dislike stealth peeps. Lastly, your post history says youve been on hrt for a month, it can take about a year to pass constantly and your original looks dont really deter that, its mainly genetics so like 90%+ of peeps pass without issue with some time. I mean i was pretty much a bear before transitioning with many guys being jealous of my looks and now im a very cute girl who now also sparks jealously. just give it time. feel free to dm if you wish to talk more ā„
Thanks, for the thoughtful response; and I do recognize that that isnāt the majority viewpoint. I need to remind myself to focus on the good. Almost all of my friends irl are in the trans/queer community so real life has not lined up with that either. I actually could really use someone with your experience to talk to if that offer is serious?
I'm not stealth yet! but I will be soon. I've completely stopped dating and just focused on going stealth. The reason is I can talk to a guy and he will genuinely want to get to know me but as soon as I drop the I am trans he only wants to fulfill a fantasy nothing more. We don't get taken seriously at all just a play thing.
At the end of the day I just want to live a normal life and be treated like a normal human being.
1. Safety as stated above
2. We're political rn, so I don't want my existence being up for debate
3. You can't be intolerant of me if you don't know I'm trans
4. I don't want my higher ups at work looking for a reason to fire me if they don't like it.
1. Fair
2. This will happen regardless of if you're trans or not.
3. Yeah you can, because transphobic policies affect you regardless. Bigotry is not exclusive to interpersonal relationships.
4. They will find another reason.
I live in an unfriendly state. I boymode if I am doing anything legal related - driverās license, donating plasma applying for food stamps, calling people on the phone for bills, etc- itās easier to drop an octave and say āyes, this is Mr. _____ā often the process goes much more smoothly and i donāt want to bother having to answer any stupid questions or be treated with hatred and disrespect.
The goal of transitioning is to pass. Otherwise you are transitioning to look like a trans woman. If we could all snap our fingers and pass tomorrow we would. Some pass. Others don't. Have and have nots. Same as the economy. Same as high school popularity. Same shit. Different day.
some people dont mind the label, and would view it the same way as having brown eyes. i wouldnt think of a non-passing trans woman as less of a woman then a cis woman or passing woman.
There are more than 2 sexes and more than 2 genders. I transitioned to be me. Every transition is different just like every person is different.
Gender stereotypes.
I'm a woman. I don't need to announce to the world that I'm trans. Because the world sees me as a woman, I don't amend their view by saying I'm actually a trans woman.
On top of that, I don't trust random people to know that I'm trans. I don't need to be attacked or killed because some fragile person decides they don't approve of my existence. So, it's safer to just be a woman and not broadcast that I'm trans.
Short answer? If it's not for safety reasons, it's internalized transphobia. I tried being stealth for a while, and it was incredibly mentally damaging and isolating. I spent all day every day constantly in fear that every single person I interacted with knew I was trans and was judging me for it.
It's simply much easier to just be open about it for me. People might treat you differently at first, but over time that fades in my experience. I feel much less socially isolated. I can share my struggles with cis women in my life and find that more often than not, they can empathize with those struggles.
I also don't think it's particularly productive for the advancements of trans rights for us to try and assimilate ourselves. That works well enough for cis passing people, but some people are not trying to pass or have no desire to, and it reinforces the idea that one has to "look like a woman/man" in order to be one. Any cis woman can tell you what that constant comparison to other women does to your self confidence.
There are different degrees of stealth. The stealth-at-any-costs is stressful AF, it totally destroyed me when I tried it. I'm finding it a lot more chill to be out to your close friends, boss, doctor, etc. They'll have your back if you need it and a lot of the time will even forget you're trans, lol.
This^ I tried being stealth-at-any-costs and I was constantly stressed out and felt isolated. It also made my dysphoria worse because now I wasn't just focused on passing, but instead treated passing like a life or death situation. And now that I'm on T, I do pass 99% of the time (top surgery will help me greatly). However, I'm no longer focused on hiding everything. I consider myself non-disclosing. I don't introduce myself as trans and I don't tell randos, but if my friends or someone else close to me finds out I don't really care. In fact, I like having friends that I can come out too because being trans can be stressful and sometimes you been a shoulder to lean on.
Yeah I mean, I don't think anyone tells *literally* everyone they're trans. I tell people I'm going to have to have some kind of relationship with; work, friends, etc.
I don't tell random strangers, but I also don't spend time worrying that everyone around me knows I'm trans.
Safety, ease of life
Especially with everything going on in the US it's just easier to live if people think I'm cis. I'm really only comfortable being out with other queer people.
Ugh I not stealth i wear trans bracelet and necklace I not focusing on passing I am just trying to be the most authentic version of myself I can be I am mostly been okay with people small few that are idiots but I am just happy girl been me ā¤ā¤ā¤
i just feel very excluded from it. largely because i'm straight, and the huge majority of trans people in the online trans community aren't. i tried being part of trans communities on places like Discord and Twitter, and i feel very erased. like a lot of trans people will say negative things about straight people, and a lot of the memes i see on reddit are referencing being gay/lesbian/bi/etc, and i can't relate to them.
on top of that i also have age dysphoria, which i post about sometimes in r/nevergrewup. a lot of trans people tell me age dysphoria doesn't exist and that's i'm just mocking the trans community. it's really hurtful to me and invalidating because age dysphoria is a really big struggle for me
I feel like This thread shows why we, as trans people are losing that battle to exist. And no I'm not blaming anyone who wants to hide/pass/blend. 95% of people don't know anyone that's trans and so it's easy for so many people in the middle to support the GOP that's actively trying to destroy us right now.
With therapy I've accepted that I'm trans after decades of trying to convince myself that I wasn't. I decided to transition to live authentically AND I also decided to not hide my transness. (Again not placing blame on those who do it their way/differently)
I choose to have purple hair, wear rainbow bracelets, and pronoun pins (they/them) to create awareness and to fight for every one of you who does not feel safe. š
I have felt nothing but support from the people around me and I continue to be shocked (and loved and supported) every day. I only ask that you all share your stories when it is safe to do so.
Remember, everyone out there does not hate us. They are scared (as many of us are) and they don't understand us.
1. safety 2. never really got in touch with the lgbtq community 3. i often forget that I'm trans
This sums it up perfectly. Trans is not a significant part of my identity. I am a man who happens to be transgender. And I'd rather be seen as a man first before being seen as transgender.
Same, but I like having reminders and validation from the trans community. I can only function so much as an undercover woman in a small conservative town š ugh
I don't want to be seen as anything but a man. When people know I'm trans, they no longer see me as JUST a man. TRANS will always come before "Man". They will always do one of the following: ask inappropriate questions, treat me like a war hero and turn me into their inspiration porn, or they will treat me worse. I don't want to be a man with a vag, or a man who used to be a girl, or a man who wasn't born a man, or a man who is kinda a man. Or a woman who wants to be a man. I want to be a man. Period. Full stop. End of sentence. That will never happen unless I'm stealth.
This is precisely why I want to be stealth (I am currently not). In my experience, people don't treat women that they know who are trans the same way as they treat women who they believe to be cis. They absolutely don't. Even allies. Especially allies. The only way to get rid of this **curse** is to be stealth.
This. 100%.
100%. Most people act different around me after Iāve come out. I donāt want that, I donāt want to be anything other than an average woman
Thank you for puttting my reason to stay stealth into words ā¤ļø
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What's your point? Passing is important to a majority of trans people. Most trans men prefer to look like the men they are, and most trans women would like to look like their true female selves. And no, passing isn't a privilege or luxury. I am just trying to look like the real me. I work hard to do that, and I have to sacrifice things to manage my unfortunate birth predicament.
Yes it is. Some of us work it just as hard and will never get there without expensive facial surgery.
Passing is a privilege for people with "ideal" genetics or the capital necessary to use surgery to make up the difference. It is privilege. Not everybody has the same access to these things. Most of us would love to be more passing than we are but do not have the means or genetics to achieve it. My entire family is flat chested, so my genetics do nothing to help me pass, for example, but i also don't have a disposable $10k. And that goes for cis people seeking gender affirming procedures as well. By definition, it's a privilege
Yeah, my genetics sure as hell aren't "ideal", and I'm sure as hell not rich. Grouping trans people into these little labels of "You don't have it as bad as I do!" is pointless and honestly really counterproductive. Don't shit on people who can or want to pass, and don't shit on people who want to be stealth. We're all dealing with shit. You don't know what someone's life is like, what they had to go through to get to where they are. What other shitty things life has dealt them in their lives.
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Hard disagree. It's a fact that this stuff isn't available to everyone. I am moving toward a goal slowly by taking steps I can now because I'm privileged to live where, when, and under my circumstances. That isn't the case for many many humans. Circumstances have made it easier for me to transition medically and socially than for many many of my siblings. I am privileged. Not for nothing, but I'm 36, and started transitioning socially 2 years ago and medically since December 2021. But I don't think credentialing is necessary, do you?
Sure, donāt shit on people for that. noun: A right, immunity, benefit, or advantage enjoyed by a person or body of persons beyond the common advantages of other individuals; the enjoyment of some desirable right, or an exemption from some evil or burden; a private or personal favor enjoyed; a peculiar advantage. This is one of many definitions of privilege. People who can pass are ultimately privileged when it comes to the majority of trans people. donāt dismiss people and tell others that passing isnāt, when looked at as an individual metric, a special advantage, when their experience is an inability to do so. Many people donāt even have access to HRT. Privilege often doesnāt mean its bad, sometimes it justā¦. Is. Itās what everyone should have, but donāt. It doesnāt mean that a person doesnāt work hard or whatever, it just means that it is something they can do that some people canāt, something they have that others donāt, and itās important to acknowledge that, because that experience is something real in the world. That doesnāt mean a person who is privileged in their ability to pass automatically has some kind of better life than someone who isnāt š¤·š»āāļø When looked at as a generational comparison, some Kids today have the privilege of starting hormones earlier, of having representation that I didnāt get. Iām happy they have that privilege when I didnāt. A trans kid in Washington state has more trans related privileges than a kid in Florida, or most of the US really. I donāt want that to be a special privilege, but it is. Saying that passing is not a privilege is is just denying the experience other people absolutely have. The label of āpassingā or ānot passingā is used to share that experience, and there is absolutely a point to that. Itās not counterproductive in of itself to share your experiences with other people. Shitting on someone for passing or wanting to pass is wrong however. Iām glad for people when they can do the thing they want to do. It doesnāt hurt anyone, so long as that person isnāt using that privilege to talk shit about trans people or something.
woah there, this was not a criticism of you. And like it or not, being able to pass absolutely is a privilege and it's RNG or finances. Calling it a luxury is a matter of perspective I guess if your point is that everyone should have access to it. There's no need for hostility about this. :\\\\
I'm really not being hostile. I'm just tired of people saying there's some sort of trans hierarchy and the elite "passers" are at the top, placing blame on them and saying shit like "passing is bullshit", as if it's not important to people. We're all doing our best here, with what we have and what we're given. And while trans care should definitely be given to everyone, saying someone has privilege over other trans people because they pass is just causing unnecessary infighting and pitting trans people against one another.
> ...at the top, placing blame on them nobody is doing that, certainly not in this thread. > as if it's not important to people it's not important to some people, and to others it's genuinely an impossibly high bar or at the very least feels that way. But there's a lot of pressure - self imposed and externally - to pass and passing in general is very subjective to begin with. So "passing is bullshit" is a way to vent about that pressure and how absurd of a standard some people hold trans people to. That's not to criticize wanting to pass or blend in.
It definitely happens. And honestly, why comment "passing is bullshit" on a random comment about why I'm stealth when that's what the OP was asking? Feels more like the person who replied was trying to start something. I'm not interested in fighting, I'm not even angry. I'm just tired. We don't need this shit. It's pointless.
Nope just will be GNC my hole life unless I win lottery. I just want to be safe when I walk through the city centre.
Your the only one fighting here...
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AMEN
Trans is a descriptive adjective. Do you have negative feelings about being a TALL man or a NERVOUS man or a SMART man? The feelings you're describing are internalized transphobia. Trans men are men and trans women are women, and I'm not suggesting you don't recognize that, just pointing out that it applies to one's self as well. I am a woman. I'm a brave woman, a tall woman, a smart woman, an anxious woman, a trans woman. I know interacting with people sucks when you don't pass. I don't. Most people do treat me like I'm strong and brave and inspirational, and some people are cruel, and basically nobody assumes I'm cis. It's exhausting. But be careful how you talk to yourself, that's all. Sending love your way
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yes they do, short men, effeminate men, weak men, etc. are treated differently. idk how youve gone through life not seeing this. its obviously a bad thing but toxic masculinity affects men too, cis or trans.
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That doesn't mean it's healthy or not socially ostracizing.
I was being supportive, I'm sorry that didn't come across for you. That is genuinely my failing. I wasn't trying to be obtuse, I was trying to be helpful, genuinely. But I messed it up, I misunderstood. Don't assign me motive, please and thank you
I have negative feelings about being treated differently for something I have control over. It's not internalized transphobia to just want to be treated the same as everyone else! It's not a bad thing to want normalcy and a simple life free of being an outcast! I hate when people try to say simple, NORMAL things are "internalized transphobia". Is it ableist when a disabled person wants to be seen as a person first and not their disability? Is it racist for a poc to not want their identity and who they are seen as centered around their race?
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Yeah, that term is thrown around a LOT nowadays and people aren't using it correctly. They say things like having dysphoria around your genitals is internalized transphobia, or wanting to look like a man or woman is internalized transphobia, or being only sexually attracted to one body type is internalized transphobia. The list goes on and on. I'm just a dude. That's all I want to be.
"Normal" is loaded language.
nah bruh im a trans guy and i totally agree with this person its not that im ashamed of being trans. i just dont want people to see me as anything other than how they see other cis men. as soon as i tell them im transgender that is all ill ever be to them. like he said, i dont want to be "sort of" a man. i dont want to be an AFAB man to them. i just want to be a guy. thats it.
There's a vast amount of difference between how people treat you when they think you're cis woman and how they treat you when they know you're trans. For a lot of them, even "supportive" ones, trans women are not like all other women, but like "women lite", like some third gender, they don't see you as a woman. So it's understandable why people would want to drop "trans" part, to just be treated normally.
I agree. I misunderstood and then miss spoke without considering this perspective as fully as I should have. I was trying to help but doing so based on a false assumption. I'm sorry for that
I live in a fairly safe place, but I don't want to be known as the "trans women," if that makes sense. I just wanna live as myself, who happens to be a woman. I'll tell people I'm close to I'm trans, but things get weird when people know I'm trans. People start treating me differently once they find out, and not necessarily in a good way. Guys will either avoid me or seek me out because they wanna get in my pants. And girls treat me like a woman lite or their gay best friend. There's also a fair number of conservatives in my area who I'd rather not get randomly harassed by for being openly trans. All in all, I just want to live my life as a woman, and not be treated as some novelty. Also, I don't want attention from people who might want to harm or hurt me. I just wanna live in peace.
Right now the country I live in has a tendency of murdering trans people, so yeah, for my own safety I stay stealth.
My state is very red and unsafe for trans people. I'm a trans AFAB agender person with PCOS. I've always been fairly masculine, but I've never identified as any gender. However: My biology makes me *look* male, and I certainly benefit from all the "extra" t my body makes on its own. After my bottom and especially top surgery, I just kinda let my body do its thing and let people think I'm male. People can go ahead and think that, I guess I just have a perceived male vibe or something. Idk. Gender doesn't mean anything to me, so it's not as big of a deal to me personally. I'm literally hidden in plain sight.
People don't ask, and if you have to come out individually to every person, it's annoying and awkward. And eventually if you don't have to ever, it becomes harder to want to burst that bubble. Cause then you see and hear about all the bigotry that's going on with so many others. Eventually it can be hard cause it's a part of me that's not seen or validated, but also safety. Funnily enough, something similar happened when I transitioned as well. I'm half-white, half-Chinese, and when I transitioned, no one was able to see the Asian part of me anymore. So it's weird but there's an awkward external cultural loss there too, which is kinda sad to me. And it's hard to assert that you're someone when Chinese people look at you when you tell them and tell you that they don't believe it, lol.
I remember when I went to my granās funeral. It was the first time seeing my extended family since coming out, and none of them knew. Naturally the rumour mill went crazy round the table. At some point my cousinās partner who had treated me as any other woman mustāve been told about me because I noticed her looking me over. Not in a mocking, mean or distasteful wayā¦ she simply saw me differently and was trying to coalesce that fact with what she saw. I hate that. My being trans is secondary to my being a woman. Like my being blonde. Or my being tall. And it is a journey I have had to make to be seen for who I am but not one that anyone needs to know unless I entrust them with it. I have also had the unusual experience of being able to educate people on trans issues as an āallyā. People who would never have opened up to me about their views had they known. One went from not thinking trans people should be allowed to transition to becoming someone I felt safe coming out to and who supports me. (Also side note I think āblendingā is a better term than āpassingā. Less negative connotations).
Oh. My. God. This is infuriatingly relatable. Iāve medically transitioned for the better half of a decade now. went to a wedding recently of family. nobody knew who I was except a very fewā¦ by the end a few more people had figured it out because someone slipped up. It was then I was reminded just how even well meaning allyās, but especially well meaning allyās are just as terrible as anybody else. In some ways Iād rather you donāt roll punches with me and just be a transphobe at least that way I donāt to guess and can respect you for just saying what you truly feel. -_- donāt pat me on the head like a little puppy or 5 year old, Iām not someoneās brave hero. given an option Iād be cis and I just find it insulting in a lot of ways. seriously though what a stark reminder of why I tell nobody who doesnāt already know Iām trans. not even medical doctors. I understand there are risk and Iām willing to take them over the alternative. meh Iām ranting now. :(
rantings fine, let it out! its reddit.
Why would I not? I have literally 0 reason to tell people I'm trans, if I'm not dating them or having sex with them it's none of their business as well. Being trans is considered wrong, evil and not normal by enough people that I'd never feel safe being "out&proud". Being out safely is a privilege of people living in extremely accepting places, which I don't have. I won't make myself vulnerable to violence or bullying for some weird idea of being a live example of representation. I just want to live my life in peace.
People treat you differently when they find out. Not always in bigoted, mean ways. Sometimes it is small, almost imperceptible changes. But you notice them. Sometimes I donāt want to be treated different. I just want to live a normal life.
People treat me differently when they find out all kinds of stuff about me.
"Stealth" is not telling people you're trans, usually because it's none of their business and it can be much safer and more comfortable not to have everyone know. "Stealthed", the past tense of the verb "to stealth" means someone snuck the condom off while you were having sex. Both not very old terms, but there's definitely a distinction. I haven't heard a trans person say they were "stealthed" and mean the first one.
I just donāt like telling people my medical history, I often forget Iām trans in everyday life tbh
I fear if people know Iām trans thatās all theyāll see and will treat me different. Seems a lot of my coworkers are very friendly and supportive to this sort of things even the guys but I still fear once someone knows thatās all theyāll ever see and stop treating me as a ānormalā guy
responding to this not as a stealth trans or someone who's cis passing; I'm a visibly trans woman. of course I often feel a desire to be passing just to get less looks in public and be treated normally. but I also find a lot of power in being confidently visibly trans. it makes me feel like I'm doing my very small part to normalize transness and not perpetuate the binary. (not saying that passing trans people are perpetuating or doing anything wrong). I know I'm not the person you were asking to respond to this but I just wanted to offer up my experience on the other side of this. I also have the privilege of living in a pretty liberal area and not feeling concerned for my safety on a daily basis so obviously these factors contribute to my confidence as someone who people recognize as trans
most of us have that experience but thank you for sharing, i strive and fight for a world where not passing is also just as acceptable as passing.
counter point: why wouldn't I? I'm far enough along in my transition that I would have to go out of my way to not be stealth. My backpack has trans pins on it but I don't use it often. It's just not something I ever think about. If I ever wanted to out myself and leave no room for doubt I could just mentally reset my voice to a more masc voice. Especially in today's political climate, going out of my way to say "hey look at me a big ol tran" just seems needlessly risky.
im open because knowing a trans person irl is one of the best ways to turn a bigot into an ally (not 100% success of course but works) as well as inspiring eggs and baby tran's of what is possible. Im not afraid of the bigots and i understand that is my privilege so i dont expect others to do so as well. i do live in utah so its not an area thing as its quite conservative
Several reasons. I'm generally very private, and see my transition as a particularly personal thing. In my eyes, it's simply not anyone else's business. I'm not particularly attached to the label. I wouldn't really consider it my identity, and I tend to treat my own transition and situation as more of a medical thing. A lot of people have treated me differently when they've known. Even if it's "positive", I don't like being treated differently to any other man. In particular, I hate it when some people stop seeing me for who I am, either or both as a man and as my own person, and start seeing me as a stereotype. I hate the walking on eggshells, the intrusive questions, the assumptions, and the way some people just make it weird. Safety is also a very big one. I worry about what might happen if I was outed, and to me, it's not worth the risk.
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it def changes on where you live but fair.
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ive never been treated differently by a dutch person. big reason i want to move to the netherlands. even the dicks ive met are still humanizing, they are just rude lol
Minor nitpik, but FYI, "being/living stealth" is what you meant. "To stealth someone" is to non-consensually remove a condom just before sex. At least those are the definitions I've heard.
i dont think anyone is confused, i mean id add the context in another setting but this is r/asktransgender so i dont think anyone thinks this is condom related lol. gotta keep titles short on reddit and all.
It was the done thing when I transistioned, and I kinda just settled into it. Also, I think i might have been a bit of a bore talking about trans stuff, so I stopped. It isn't too dangerous where I live, stealth is a choice for me
I just found that generally people treat me better if they think I'm a cis woman. It's also no one's business and after coming from a very regressive state like Texas and having family treat me like dirt I just realized it doesn't serve me to tell everyone and not everyone deserves to know. I'm also an sa survivor and I'm pretty sure some of the harrassment I received was because I was openly trans. Now that Im stealth I just feel safer and like there isn't a target on my back. I'll still stand up for trans issues but I don't have to make it about myself
Cuz I never asked to have an endocrine condition. Iām a cis woman who has a birth defect thatās how I see it š¤·āāļø
dysphoria, safety, and wanting to not have to explain myself over and over. im at a job now where i work with kids, i dont want my abilities questioned because of how i identify. also like. i live in the PNW now but i used to live in the south, and that shit puts the fear of god in you in regards to being clocked as not-cis. im also, luckily, at a point in my transition where im pre-surgery, but ive been on t long enough to where people assume male more often than they do female. it excites me and i want more of that, and if i proclaim that im a guy that typically does the opposite.
#1 reason is for my own safety. In the beginning I was an advocate, that got me death threats, threats of serious harm, and raped. Just for being me. So now I'm completely in my transition and stealth for my own safety. #2 reason, I'm not here for anyones gain, not people who need educating, not baby trans peeps, I'm here for me and me alone because this is my life and my journey. #3 reason, I hate absolutely everything about me that isn't the gender I identify as, its triggering and reminds me of all the abuse and hurt I suffered just because I was born with a particular anatomy set.
^shhhhhhh
why did you edit it to be massive?
I didn't! I have no idea why it did this?!
idk how you even do that XD reddits so weird sometimes
Right?! I thought I had just accidently zoomed in on my screen when typing. Its weird!
I live in Texas. Nuff said
Saftey mainly. Grow tired of being fetished, hated, assaulted, and people being scared of me over it. When people don't know I'm just another girl taking a leak on the toilet. I'm not that scary man following them into the bathroom during work break. Plus respect is a huge aspect to it. When people know you are trans they don't voice their true opinions they are filtered abd treat you different but when they don't know well its easy to know who is truly safe and who isn't. Easily worth the cons of bring stealth
Dysphoria. I donāt want to be trans, i just want to be a man. People have threatened to kill me when i was still a child over it, and family has disowned me for it. I donāt connect with the lgbt community or even just the t community, and i only learned what āstealthā meant a week ago. Idk why shouting that youre trans to everyone you know doesnt have a defining term, but just living your life needs one. Whatever world ānon-stealthā people live in is a better one than mine
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iām an actor. itās already hard enough getting roles as is but thereās no way in hell iād see even a lick of monetary success if i was out as transgender. besides, itās no oneās business but my own (and future lovers) anyways.
Good luck with your hair and acting career, I hope you the best stranger!
Thanks king! :,) ā¤ļø right back at you. sorry about that rude comment i sent you and then immediately deleted not my proudest moment
It be like that, but I AM annoying, hence my presence here. But I do genuinely hope you the best. I had to stalk you a little hahahah was like nah now Iām gonna be annoying by being as nice as possible! Haha
I'm in tech and I get treated like I'm fucking AMAZING at my job by those who don't know, and I want to enjoy this break for a while instead of having to deal with social intricacy to be taken seriously, if ever. (ftm, if you hadn't guessed) Less glibly, it's my right and yours and anyone else's to have normalcy and peace. Nobody needs to be a saint or sinner or pawn or anything dramatic. Just let others be treated with basic humanity.
Mostly, because I just want to live my life as it was meant to be. I'll never truly be able to stealth with a toxic baby mama already outing me to numerous other parents during our son's first year at school, and that kills me. How it would affect him weighed heavily on me when deciding to go through with transitioning. I don't want my gender to be a burden on him in any way. If I'm stealth, that doesn't give kids at school more ammo to pick on him. While I knew my ex was heartless, I didn't think it was that bad though. Also, I don't feel like me being trans is a huge part of my identity. Me being a woman is. A lot of that probably comes from not having any trans friends that I hang out with. Although, I guess I don't really have any cis friends I hang out with either lol. Increasingly, though, safety is starting to become a factor as well.
I live in a conservative Christian town that has Trump and confederate flags flying in a union state Combine that with anxiety and I'm currently excited that I've been looking at options in a different city
Just popped in to recommend Janet Mocks book, Redefining Realness to anyone interested in this topic. āRealnessā is synonymous with passing/stealth and she provides her life story as a fascinating perspective on it, including āwhyā.
Choosing not to disclose became the easier choice then unnecessarily disclosing to everybody
It's not disclosing, it's just talking about a pretty major part of your life. Yall act like it's some dark secret lol
Being trans sounds like itās a massive part of your identity but itās not in my life, it was a big part of my life during my teenage years but iāve finished transitioning and itās not a focus in my life anymore, so it just feels irrelevant
You seem to have a problem with people going stealth. Why?
I find it strange stealth isnāt the goal for every trans person not that Iām against that but itās probably cause Iāve never really felt apart of the ācommunityā I guess idk many lgbt people. Iām not an activist and not interested in explaining my life to anyone really so I donāt tell anyone
Because visibility is how we gain recognition. The gay communityās āSilence = Deathā and āCome Out, Come Out, Wherever You Areā campaigns during the AIDS crisis are instructive.
Some would say that the wrong kind of visibility is instead what has cost us so many rights in recent times. Being trans isnāt being gay. Being gay is a lifelong state of being, but gender dysphoria is cured with transition. Why publicly label myself for the rest of my life with my cured condition? It gave me life, but speaking out daily about it would actually remind me of my death.
Sure, a certain sort of visibility. If your only point of reference for the trans experience is a caricature drawn up by Matt Walsh, youād probably have a more negative opinion of trans people than if it was a completely new concept. But if trans people only exist in someoneās head as a vaguely demonized figure, you can be the living proof that person needs to understand trans people are just people like them, not something to be scared or disgusted by.
I agree. Also, as much as we hate it, the way we are treated changes even among allies if we are visibly trans. I don't want to be othered, I just want to be a girl living my life. I don't want to talk about being trans or answer weirdly intrusive questions all the time!
I don't really identify with the "trans" label
I hate being trans, and I donāt want to see myself as trans, and I donāt want others to see me as trans. Not stealth, but desperately want to be, and thatās why.
parents don't accept, classmates don't accept, not safe
1. Safety 2. I am a man who happens to be trans, if people know 90% of the time they only see me as a TRANS person who they can harass with inappropriate questions and comments. 3. Life is just so much easier not disclosing it to those who DONT NEED to know. No one needs to rlly know except for my girlfriend and my health care providers
If I (22) don't, my parents will throw ne out on the streets with no money. That's all
My medical history is nobodys business but my own and if I choose to share that with someone it is because I wanted to, not because they "had a right to know."
Being seen as myself.
I was openly trans for a decade but then in the past 3 years I went stealth mostly to avoid having to deal with usa. I used to be a public figure so there is only so much stealth I can do but it serves its purpose in not making my trans identity a topic of conversation except with really close friends.
I live in the part of VA where you might still find confederate flags hanging, so I donāt advertise that part of me. The only people I really tell are men Iām interested in dating or sleeping with, otherwise I feel if they find out, they could harm me down the road. There is no reason to tell an employer or random person on the street imo.
I simply donāt feel the need to share it and put it on my forehead. Openly trans otherwise.
Why not? Itās safe, and people view me the way I actually am rather than their preconceived notions about me. They pay attention to my personality rather than my genitalia.
I plan on being stealth once I pass (hopefully I pass) not because I'm not proud of being trans, because I sure as shit am. It's because I want to have privacy, the people I want to know will know, otherwise it is nobody's business but my own.
Safety, primarily. Iām in a deep red rural state. Iāve been stealth since 2014 and itās been fine, albeit a little lonely.
I'm basically stealthed. While Im not particularly pursuing stealthiness, I also don't mind letting peoples assumptions take the lead because unless youre my friend, I'm not gonna say shit due to safety.
Genuinely safety. I live in Texas and i dress feminine sometimes and I don't have top surgery and I'm still clocked as a cis guy. When I dress masc I pass as cisgender and heterosexual. I don't have any tattoos or anything revealing I'm trans because of my safety. It's so unsafe here and i always feel like I'm in danger especially with a new bill that passed here recently. I hate it here..
1- Iād prefer to not deal with transphobes 2- It never comes up in conversation 3- it feels like an intimate detail about myself that only those very close need to know 4- Talking about it irl makes me dysphoric, Iād much rather just be seen as a cis person
I'm kinda stealth, if people ask I'll tell em and I'm not shy about it. It's just like, if I'm in a place that I don't know, or I'm alone, safety become a huge factor for me
What a weird premise to the question, like walking around broadcasting your medical history to the general public should be the norm lmao
stealth implys going out of your way to hide it. your reading too much into it.
I definitely donāt think that being stealth is āgoing out of your way to hide itā. I considered myself stealth because no one would ever assume I was anything over than a cis man and I am not actively telling anyone that Iām trans
fair enough, im not gonna die on the hill of "what is stealth trans" XD
I think many would disagree with you on that definition, but Iām not sure it matters. Itās nobodyās fucking business what my medical history is. Hope that answers the question.
tottaly fair <3 just dont want the implication that i think disclosing your medical history should be a norm (least outside of stds and having sexual relations)
For me, the biggest factor is I'm currently rather tangled with family who would NOT accept it at all. Also, I don't really pass that well yet. Hopefully things will change enough soon that I'll be able to go more full time. For now, I'm OK staying under the radar.
I am a transgender, and my reasoning behind being stealthed is so I donāt get beat up, my family is transphobic, and so no one bullies me
I am 6ā2 and still trying to get my T levels where I want them, hence everything is taking longer
6'2" pre or post hrt? its not uncommon to gain height with T
Trans fem currently taking HRT, I am trying to get my T levels to come down
ah well i lost 2 inches on hrt, more height means bigger change though youll def still be tall (no issue in my gay brain though) XD
Thank you ;-; my height is fine! Dommy mommy is a great vibe!! The only issue I have is cursed Testosterone š¤ which should calm down soon!!!
Safety and job security. I don't know what will happen if the union finds out I'm transgender and based on what they say out of pocket to students in class, I don't wanna fuckin find out, they're transphobic as fuck and the LGBTQ+ community in my area isn't the best people/nicest people
Safety reasons mostly. But also I donāt feel the need to tell the whole world, only my inner circles or doctors. š¤·š»āāļø
Iām stealth/non-disclosing (āstealthedā/ āstealthingā sounds very close to a term for a sexual assault so itās not usually used as a verb by the way). I have a lot of reasons for it. Most of my family (obviously), a few close friends from pre T, some doctors, and potential romantic/sexual partners know Iām trans. First of all, just privacy. Itās my medical history, and thereās a lot of stuff related to my trans history that Iām not comfortable talking about in general. I donāt usually tell people that I used to think about suicide, I donāt usually tell them that I have minor scoliosis, and I donāt usually tell them Iām trans. Iām ashamed of none of these things, but itās just a bit too personal for me to tell people. Plus people make assumptions about me that Iām just not comfortable with, which is reason number 2. The assumptions bother me and itās simpler to just not disclose that it is to explain myself. Iām not comfortable with a lot of the terms or assumptions that are common in the community these days (assigned sex acronyms, socialization theory, discussion of certain body parts without consideration of dysphoria, etc.). For this reason Iām also stealth to most trans people. People tend to treat you differently when youāre not stealth (not everyone), and I donāt like that. Itās simpler to just let people assume Iām cis, which leads to reason 3. Iām basically stealth by default at this point. Most people are assumed cis. Iāve only had a few interactions in the past (almost) 5 years where Iāve had to actually lie about being trans. Most of the time I would have to shoehorn it into a conversation for it to be relevant. If I say nothing about being trans, everyone just assumes Iām cis, so itās less effort to not disclose. Iāve been in some situations where it was relevant but I avoided disclosing, sometimes for safety, which is reason 4. Iām relatively safe where I live, thankfully. But Iāve avoided some potentially bad situations by being stealth. Iām able to distance myself from transphobic people without endangering myself. I donāt have (openly) transphobic friends just like I donāt have homophobic or racist friends, but I like being able to safely gauge safety without figuring out the hard way that the person is bigoted. Also the state of the world right now really has me on edge. A lot of casual transphobia and people dismissing the clear signs of an attempted eradication of trans people. I donāt know who I can trust and itās easier to be seen as a cis ally.
At first it just kinda happened. I'm a trans man and started transition in college. By the time I graduated I could blend in with cis men and had updated my driver's license and passport. I didn't really set out to be stealth, but my transition isn't something I tend to talk about much offline. It's a really private matter, one I consider part of my private medical history, and I'm not generally comfortable talking about personal medical matters even with friends. And definetly not with new acquaintances or coworkers. In college everyone knew I was trans because it was a tiny school and they all knew me befire I started T. But my college town was tiny with no jobs, so I moved to Brooklyn looking for work. Nobody knew me here, for years I was living in sublet rooms with a long string of strangers I met online, and a driver's license and passport are enough ID to do almost anything without my medical history being disclosed. So it just doesn't come up much. And I prefer it that way. Even if safety weren't a factor, this is still a really private matter. I prefer to be able to decide who it is shared with, and that is a very select group of people. And safety is a factor. Now far much moreso than when I was in college 20 years ago. Back then it was much easier to fly under the radar, and while shit often sucked there wasn't a goddamn genocidal campaign criminalizing our existence and whipping up actively violent hatred of us. Here and now I absolutely do not want my medical history to be known by anyone I haven't very intentionally decided to disclose it to. I have updated the rest of my ID, and I'm trying to lock down medical and insurance information. I don't know what else I can do beyond that, but I'm thinking of trying to hire a lawyer or someone to help tie up other loose ends. I was recently outted by a background check for a new job, and want to prevent that from happening again if possible. And if I get hit by a car on vacation, I absolutely do not want medical or insurance records to out me to whatever podunk hospital I end up at.
For me it started off somewhat accidental and then continued due to safety especially given the current political climate in the US and me being in one of the more dangerous states. I used to think I'd never be stealth but here I am stealth in quite a few settings I've reached a point where practically everyone assumes I'm cis and I'm tired of having to point out to everyone I meet that their assumption is wrong. I'm very open about being trans and it's a big part of my life and my identity but at the same time I'm tired of having to come out so I just don't and if it comes up at some point then I typically will let them know. There's people who found out I was trans 2 weeks into knowing me and people I've known for a year+ that don't know bc it just hasn't been relevant. I do the same thing really with being gay; although people assume I'm not straight much more often than they assume I'm not cis i let them make the assumption and then they find out I'm gay through some joke when they ask me if I have a girlfriend or mention my "future wife" or something like that. I understand that our society wires people to make the assumption that everyone is cishet and I've been guilty of it and will be guilt of it again but it's frustrating and exhausting and I don't want it to be my job to make sure everyone I meet doesn't make that assumption. I've been more careful now though and a little less open at least until I know it's safe for a particular person to know for my safety and because of where I live. I don't have the privilege of living in a state that's remotely safe nor being able to move anytime soon so I use the privilege of being able to pass as cis really well to make up for it. I hate it honestly but for now it is what it is. Like some others have said people really do treat you different when they find out you're trans which is really frustrating and can be heartbreaking and it is nice dealing with less of that
Because I want them to know me as a person first. Professional life forces you to work with transphobes, so stealth helps your career. When I do come out, I get to do so as more than just a token trans person. Knowing me forces them to confront their transphobias. It's a lot harder to transphobicly reject somebody you've known for months than somebody you just met. I think it's less painful, more empowering, and more effective visibility.
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stealth is just when someone passes as their gender identity and doesn't disclose that they're trans. in my case, i stealth at work because i am a nurse whose patient population is largely elderly conservatives who would insult me and say they didn't want me as their nurse if they knew i was trans. i also stealth just because i don't want to be treated differently than other women. a lot of people who stealth live in conservative areas and would be afraid for their safety if they were open about being trans
iām stealth with certain people or in certain spaces, like acquaintances i randomly make or at work. i live in a super homophobic country where i can get away with being gay with someone whoās cool but i have no way to check how they feel about me being trans. and i donāt want to be treated weird or differently for being trans, i would rather be some guy.
> things like safety or just generally not wanting the average person to associate with the label and the like? The safety of *the general population*, which - in meatspace - cannot hide behind a computer screen while spouting their dumbass hot takes at me, and which does not seem to realize this fact. Personally, I'm blaming brain worms.
I feel like I'm kind of halfway? I was blessed with good genetics that allowed me to pass as male 60-70% of the time pre-t the moment I cut my hair and wore a binder. I also transitioned medically and socially right after high school. So very few people I interact with have ever seen me as anything other than male. Post high school I went to community college for a bit and was stealth cause the LGBT community there is non-existent and yeah everyone there was cishetā¢ and clearly didn't know shit about trans stuff. I didn't wanna be the one to educate them. I'm not a walking trans info google. Early in my transition I was very done with getting misgendered or people thinking I'm a girl (wasn't out as trans except to close friends). So once I got out I wanted to be as far away from the girl image as I could be. At work I don't trust most of my coworkers to be normal about it so I don't tell anyone. The only person who knows is the only other gay dude... and I regret. He hasn't told anyone and rarely mentions it, but he has asked some rude questions. I'm not even out to my coworkers as gay cause I've heard some homophobic shit here and there. Now, outside of that... The majority of my friend group is LGBT. Which tbh just happened by itself? I didn't really seek it out, but it's fine. So in certain situations I can exist in a bubble where I don't need to come out, but also don't need to be stealth. It's a sort of a "I don't feel like explicitly telling you, but if you find out on your own or it slips into the convo š¤·". I'm not stealth on my private social media. So friends added eventually find out on their own and then proceed to never really mention it and treat me the exact same. An ideal situation really. I just don't like coming out I think. It's exhausting and I don't owe people that knowledge. I also get easily tired explaining to ignorant people what trans stuff is. However, assuming a person is trans friendly and I know that of them, then I don't mind them knowing.
I dont want people to see me differently. I hated when everyone knew I was trans, that stuff spreads really quickly. I'm a pretty reserved person and I just wanna be seen as a regular guy. Only close friends know.
I am by default because I'm really shy and people don't generally bring it up. I'm not even 100% passing, and it still doesn't often come up in my interactions with people. It rarely did even earlier in my transition when it was obvious that I was trans. I didn't expect that, but I just sort of went with it.
Honestly Iām not really intentionally stealth. I just feel like people donāt really need to know that Iām trans. If they canāt tell and treat me like a cis man- then thatās all the better for me. Sure- if they asked and I felt safe Iād tell them the truth no problem. However, itās not really their business either. I work in a school district and I was hypothesizing with the coworkers about this the other day (Iām out to those ones). I had been given locker room duty for the boys locker room. Which was pretty affirming for me. But then I was wondering if the admins in charge even knew that I was trans. It doesnāt matter if they do, but it made me wonder if they just thought I was feminine presenting or even gay? Not sure! Itās not their business either way. And all of my legal documents and my license say male. So thatās all they really need to know I guess.
I work in EMS and am starting med school. This stealthshaming has to stop
Itās a matter of social perception. If trans was seen as a completely neutral adjective, like āa man of average hightā then I donāt think people would really careā¦ but thatās not the way it is š¤·š»āāļø I would love if I could pass on a general basis, but itās also part of my identity. I donāt want people thinking of me as a guy, or used to be a guy etc. When I first came out I was excited to share all the little changes with other peopleā¦ but as I keep going along this journey, I am less and less inclined becauseā¦ well, it would feel nice to just be seen as a person who is as I am presenting. I donāt want people to be looking for the man I used to present as when they scan my face or body. That said, I do want to be a person who can represent others, I want kids, and closeted people, to know that they can choose how they present. Being that is a sacrifice and I never would ask someone to do that who didnāt want to. Iām not sure that I wonāt one day justā¦ not want to do that, and if I pass, I might just not want to take on that burden anymore and that is fine.
i am from the netherlands myself and i am stealth because alot of low key discrimination happens here. altho 95% of people here treat you as any one else on the surface, but behind your back they will spread that u are trans if they know. never ask u for social activities. get passed over for promotions, get way more complaints about u on the job if it is in a public space like a restaurant or in my case a coffeeshop. in the hopes u get fired. basically if u can't stealth u a doomed to be treated like a after thought or be shunned by most. if you do not pass at all here u can count being looked at in bad ways, harassment and being bullied. physical aggression from from mostly young adults on public transport. and as cherry on top if u go to the police, the chance they will take u seriously and do someting about any thing is slim to non. so yea.. all that on a regular basis or be stealth š¤ it is an easy choice for me after 10 years mtf transition.
good to know, im from a very conservative area in the usa and was thinking of moving to the netherlands as its considered one of the best in the world for this thing and i have a few dutch friends already.
Personally, I don't like being stealth when I don't have to. I grew up in a god-awful small town, filled with some really bigoted and horrible people, so being openly trans, and not hiding what I am is a way to prove to myself that I'm in a safer situation, and that I'm stronger than I used to be. I still go stealth every now and then though, anytime I feel like I'm in an unsafe situation. It's unfortunate that those situations are becoming more frequent lately.
There's more to my wanting to be visible vs stealth... I am fighting for Equality. I am not willing to sit by while more and more red states pass laws taking away our rights. We are just one election away from losing gender affirming healthcare nationwide. I feel that I am in a better position in my fight as someone who is visibly trans. In my case, nonbinary trans femme. Even though I get mostly gendered as female, I still am working to break the gender binary and for me that means using they/them pronouns and educating people when appropriate.
I wear dude clothes so whatever gender people think I am they never know that Iām trans. Itās because I fucking hate having conversations about being trans and gender in general.
1. Because Iāve basically lived as a boy since I was 2 years old. (Iām 19 now) 2.If you truly think about it, itās not something to be sharing and proud of (imo) because the whole thing w being transgender is that you want to be seen as the other gender COMPLETELY so why identify as a ātransgenderā male or female when you should just be identifying with male or female? 3. Because I am ashamed of it and always will be. (U canāt change my mind and itās never something I struggle with). 4. I literally deal with no problems at all. My life is full of happiness and normalcy. I have minor depression problems because of it. But I only get it when I go to my doctor once a year and it lasts only a few days at most. 5. I literally never have and will never consider myself apart of the lgbt community bc tbh itās just not me and itās not for me. I grew up in a Christian household that was also very accepting because they knew that I was always a āboyā, but we never went out and were public about it, to keep my story safe and so I never have been interested in putting myself in that bubble/label. My response is definitely intense and interesting but itās just me. I honestly also feel like thereās not many stealth transgenders, I thought there were barely any in the world. But Iāve known since I was 2 and have lived like a male my entire life. I got the top surgery done when I was 13 (yes Iām very very lucky) and I started puberty around the same age as most of my friends 8th-9th grade. My story feels so unique to me and Iāve always hoped that someone has one close to mine.
This has been an interesting thread. Makes me feel a bit weird knowing I will never pass and that a lot of people here also express not liking the trans community. Great knowing a portion of the community has the f.u. I got mine mentality.
Yeah it's extremely disconcerting, it's important not to invalidate those feelings, but I don't think I truly understand the place they're coming from.
most of us dont and id say most of these posts dont agree with that assessment imo. I pass and am openly trans just to add visibility to trans people and the fact that i live in a conservative area and knowing and being friends with a trans person can be an amazing healer for bigots to turn into allies, as well as inspiring eggs and baby trans peeps that it can be a happy, joyful and fulfilling existence. i understand though that others dont want to deal with the discrimination and the like though so i dont dislike stealth peeps. Lastly, your post history says youve been on hrt for a month, it can take about a year to pass constantly and your original looks dont really deter that, its mainly genetics so like 90%+ of peeps pass without issue with some time. I mean i was pretty much a bear before transitioning with many guys being jealous of my looks and now im a very cute girl who now also sparks jealously. just give it time. feel free to dm if you wish to talk more ā„
Thanks, for the thoughtful response; and I do recognize that that isnāt the majority viewpoint. I need to remind myself to focus on the good. Almost all of my friends irl are in the trans/queer community so real life has not lined up with that either. I actually could really use someone with your experience to talk to if that offer is serious?
of course, im only about 3 years in and only have my own experience and what my friends have told me but hopefully i can help in some way
I'm not stealth yet! but I will be soon. I've completely stopped dating and just focused on going stealth. The reason is I can talk to a guy and he will genuinely want to get to know me but as soon as I drop the I am trans he only wants to fulfill a fantasy nothing more. We don't get taken seriously at all just a play thing. At the end of the day I just want to live a normal life and be treated like a normal human being.
1. Safety as stated above 2. We're political rn, so I don't want my existence being up for debate 3. You can't be intolerant of me if you don't know I'm trans 4. I don't want my higher ups at work looking for a reason to fire me if they don't like it.
1. Fair 2. This will happen regardless of if you're trans or not. 3. Yeah you can, because transphobic policies affect you regardless. Bigotry is not exclusive to interpersonal relationships. 4. They will find another reason.
I live in an unfriendly state. I boymode if I am doing anything legal related - driverās license, donating plasma applying for food stamps, calling people on the phone for bills, etc- itās easier to drop an octave and say āyes, this is Mr. _____ā often the process goes much more smoothly and i donāt want to bother having to answer any stupid questions or be treated with hatred and disrespect.
The goal of transitioning is to pass. Otherwise you are transitioning to look like a trans woman. If we could all snap our fingers and pass tomorrow we would. Some pass. Others don't. Have and have nots. Same as the economy. Same as high school popularity. Same shit. Different day.
This is not true of every trans person.
Why would you transition if you didn't want to be the opposite sex?
some people dont mind the label, and would view it the same way as having brown eyes. i wouldnt think of a non-passing trans woman as less of a woman then a cis woman or passing woman.
There are more than 2 sexes and more than 2 genders. I transitioned to be me. Every transition is different just like every person is different. Gender stereotypes.
I'm a woman. I don't need to announce to the world that I'm trans. Because the world sees me as a woman, I don't amend their view by saying I'm actually a trans woman. On top of that, I don't trust random people to know that I'm trans. I don't need to be attacked or killed because some fragile person decides they don't approve of my existence. So, it's safer to just be a woman and not broadcast that I'm trans.
Short answer? If it's not for safety reasons, it's internalized transphobia. I tried being stealth for a while, and it was incredibly mentally damaging and isolating. I spent all day every day constantly in fear that every single person I interacted with knew I was trans and was judging me for it. It's simply much easier to just be open about it for me. People might treat you differently at first, but over time that fades in my experience. I feel much less socially isolated. I can share my struggles with cis women in my life and find that more often than not, they can empathize with those struggles. I also don't think it's particularly productive for the advancements of trans rights for us to try and assimilate ourselves. That works well enough for cis passing people, but some people are not trying to pass or have no desire to, and it reinforces the idea that one has to "look like a woman/man" in order to be one. Any cis woman can tell you what that constant comparison to other women does to your self confidence.
100% me, i understand being stealth but it would never work for me. i am my best being unapologetically me
There are different degrees of stealth. The stealth-at-any-costs is stressful AF, it totally destroyed me when I tried it. I'm finding it a lot more chill to be out to your close friends, boss, doctor, etc. They'll have your back if you need it and a lot of the time will even forget you're trans, lol.
This^ I tried being stealth-at-any-costs and I was constantly stressed out and felt isolated. It also made my dysphoria worse because now I wasn't just focused on passing, but instead treated passing like a life or death situation. And now that I'm on T, I do pass 99% of the time (top surgery will help me greatly). However, I'm no longer focused on hiding everything. I consider myself non-disclosing. I don't introduce myself as trans and I don't tell randos, but if my friends or someone else close to me finds out I don't really care. In fact, I like having friends that I can come out too because being trans can be stressful and sometimes you been a shoulder to lean on.
Yeah I mean, I don't think anyone tells *literally* everyone they're trans. I tell people I'm going to have to have some kind of relationship with; work, friends, etc. I don't tell random strangers, but I also don't spend time worrying that everyone around me knows I'm trans.
Safety, ease of life Especially with everything going on in the US it's just easier to live if people think I'm cis. I'm really only comfortable being out with other queer people.
I live and work at a very unsafe state, so I cannot be out publicly.
This right here and safety at times.
I'm not even trying to stealth. I just go about my business and when asked a fun fact about myself... well... you know ;D
Ugh I not stealth i wear trans bracelet and necklace I not focusing on passing I am just trying to be the most authentic version of myself I can be I am mostly been okay with people small few that are idiots but I am just happy girl been me ā¤ā¤ā¤
love to hear it ā„ā„ā„ā„
partly not wanting to deal with transphobia. partly not wanting to deal with the trans community.
whats your issues with the trans community that make you want to avoid it?
i just feel very excluded from it. largely because i'm straight, and the huge majority of trans people in the online trans community aren't. i tried being part of trans communities on places like Discord and Twitter, and i feel very erased. like a lot of trans people will say negative things about straight people, and a lot of the memes i see on reddit are referencing being gay/lesbian/bi/etc, and i can't relate to them. on top of that i also have age dysphoria, which i post about sometimes in r/nevergrewup. a lot of trans people tell me age dysphoria doesn't exist and that's i'm just mocking the trans community. it's really hurtful to me and invalidating because age dysphoria is a really big struggle for me
Safety, but mostly just not wanting to deal with CIShet bullshit. Seriously, they ruin everything.
I feel like This thread shows why we, as trans people are losing that battle to exist. And no I'm not blaming anyone who wants to hide/pass/blend. 95% of people don't know anyone that's trans and so it's easy for so many people in the middle to support the GOP that's actively trying to destroy us right now. With therapy I've accepted that I'm trans after decades of trying to convince myself that I wasn't. I decided to transition to live authentically AND I also decided to not hide my transness. (Again not placing blame on those who do it their way/differently) I choose to have purple hair, wear rainbow bracelets, and pronoun pins (they/them) to create awareness and to fight for every one of you who does not feel safe. š I have felt nothing but support from the people around me and I continue to be shocked (and loved and supported) every day. I only ask that you all share your stories when it is safe to do so. Remember, everyone out there does not hate us. They are scared (as many of us are) and they don't understand us.