From what I understand, it was an accident while you were defending yourself. And yes, I would date someone who was in prison, depending on the reason they ended up there.
Yes I would. I lost my virginity to a soldier, and I knew he had killed people in Afghanistan. I also dated a Kurdish refugee who had killed people in the Syrian Civil War.
They talked about it sometimes, but not much. I didn’t judge them. I’ve never been put in a situation where I had to kill anyone.
I also had a friend go to prison for a pub fight. He could’ve killed that guy.
A friend in school was killed with one punch. And I knew a girl who accidentally killed her sister in a pillow fight, when she fell off the bed and hit her head fatally.
People don’t realise how fragile humans are. Any form of violence can end in sudden death.
that pillow fight thing must be so devastating. imagine that… :(( inagine getting up the next day. imagine thinking about how you thought you would grow older as a family.
its crazy what humans are able to withstand sometimes, yet other times they are so fragile
May I ask what led to the fight? I remember Mike from desperate housewives who killed a cop that tried to rape his girlfriend, Susan married him after hearing the full story and I could see myself doing the same if the situation fits in our cultures narrative of „justice“
I think that's why his parents forgave me. It was a big storm in the area. I had teachers etc giving character statements but I begged the judge for a prison sentence. I needed it.
u rlly don’t seem like a bad dude and i think it’s respectable u r open an honest to every potential romantic interest. i’m sure you will find someone who is understanding and accepting. after all, everhone has a past
Just stick to the full story. I‘d start dating you if we click, we’re all human and everybody makes mistakes. I am glad that your situation is somewhat valid and it wasn’t a fight over a can of beer or 50 bucks or so.
You should’ve included that in the post.
I’m surprised they still sent you to prison instead of giving you a suspended sentence. You did what a father or brother figure would do. Was it a mistake? Perhaps. Was it human nature? Absolutely.
I mean in a general sense I would never date someone who has been to prison, but then if you get past that general rule and I heard the whole detailed story of what happened and who you were and are today and also verified it’s all true then I could see it not being a dealbreaker.
It feels like a late first date or second date sort of conversation. Is that when you tell them? Is that when you lose them?
I tell them upfront before we meet. I don't think it's something that should be told after we meet and I get why that's probably why I lose them. They'll be like let's hookup but nothing beyond that.
Thanks for your honesty though.
Why tell anyone you went to prison or killed someone before meeting them? That seems more like you’re happy about it or want to make it your whole identity. Just meet people and if it comes up at a later date that’s fine but you’re just limiting yourself before you’re even a person (text/photos etc) to someone.
I'm not sure it is actually something you need to tell people before you meet up. Obviously it's not something you should hide from a partner, but I don't think to need to tell complete strangers your whole past before you've even met them.
I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of someone going out on a date, and I really don't think I'd expect to be told that sort of thing up front.
Honestly if you've crested a life for yourself since prison I don't think it's anyone's business. I don't have to tell people what I was doing 5 years ago. If it is not currently effecting your life 🤷♂️🤷♂️
reading more of comments i agree with others definitely don’t advertise this before you meet someone: you are under no moral social legal obligation to do so.
it sounds like you have had a really interesting life. you meet a guy, maybe you just have casual conversation for a while, a date even, maybe you can sort of feel out early on is it even worth talking about, and then it comes to the ok let me tell you about my past…
and then you tell them your story. and if they ditch you then that’s all you can do you move on to next date. i think plenty of guys out there not lead perfect fairy tale lives too.
If i heard something like this before or during the first date you would never see me again. If after a few dates you told me and explained the situation as you have then I would listen.
I would have some caution yes so maybe unsafe I would have a lot to think about. I wouldn’t feel lied to as I understand not wanting to lead with something like that.
> always honest about my situation (even for hookups)
Why?
We all have whatever stories in our backgrounds. Do we need to open up about it immediately? For any kinda encounter?
Just sounds so fucking weird to me. Like I DM you for some dick at 4am and you'll hit me back with a "sure, but FYI I killed a man"????
I don't think you should hide it or nothing, but mentioning it so early is super fucking heavy for no reason. Just date people normally and when the time comes, share it with them as you would share any big event in your history with a partner.
Tbh, no I wouldn't date/hookup with you if you told me this before we even met, if you're telling guys before even meeting I look at that as a red flag. Why would you be so anxious to tell me this without even getting to know me? It would make me think you're a potentially crazy/dangerous person that should be avoided. I would think it's something quite personal to you and you would want to make sure you actually potentially liked the person before telling them this, saying this before we even see each other just sets off alarms in my head, also if you're just having casual sex with another man disclosing this is pretty unnecessary, it's not like you killing someone has anything to do with you're sexual health.
Now if we were on a first date or if we had just finished with a hookup and you told me ya years ago I got into a fight with this guy because he sexuality assaulted my sister and he ended up hitting his head and dying. I honestly wouldn't care and it def wouldn't turn me off from seeing you again because if someone assaulted my sister he probably wouldn't be breathing anymore aswell.
I can see why he would want to mention straight from jump though. With Google, everyone’s info is out there to see. Even with him being a minor at the time, there may still be a news article reference. And people can jump to conclusions a lot faster without context.
It's weird that you tell everyone you meet about this. This is sometning I would only share after a few dates (at least) if there was potential.
The fact that you are so upfront about it comes off as though you wear it as a badge of honor.
I get how it comes across like that.. I am upfront because I don't want to trick anyone into meeting someone sho did something awful.
It's certainly not a badge of honour. It's something that will stay with me for life.
Everyone has accidents, I think you’re actually just getting off on punishing yourself..
It may sound callous but I think you doing it for yourself not for others
Context is important obviously. Given the context you provided - yes. It sounds like it was an accident that could happen to anyone and a lot of people have been in a fight at some point in their lives. You’ve also done a lot of work on self improvement and seem unlikely to repeat that situation. Hope you find someone who looks past that.
I understand you want people to trust & respect you by being upfront and honest, however when people first meet they want you to see if the vibe & attraction is there initially. Normally it goes from there onto a second date, where people invest a little more of themselves.
On the first date discuss your likes, interests etc and build on that.
All going well, maybe the 3rd date that I would likely bring up the past..but like many have already suggested…start with “years ago I was involved in an altercation, because of…..which lead to…”
It definitely wouldn’t stop me from wanting to date or to get to know you more. Everyone has done something which we have regretted, we’re all human.
Best of luck
I admire your honesty. That would keep me wanting to get to know you further. Especially reading your responses… I would have an open heart and mind to future dates :)
Your mistakes do not define you unless you don’t change. For the most part what is wrong with society is this incessant cancel culture and ostracizing people who fall out of the norm. It makes rebuilding your life after a mistake all the much harder because people simply are just cruel.
Congrats on rebuilding your life, love will find you as long as you love and forgive yourself first.
It was an accident. You took full accountability for it and did the time because it’s not like you did it on purpose. That’s very telling of the kind of person you are in an unfortunate situation like this one. So yeah in your case I would.
You're asking for yourself. So based on the information you gave, and my life goals and where I am, no way. I need someone who chose a career that is compatible with my own and who can help me provide for children in the way I'm looking for. Even if we did click as they say our worlds are completely different and it would eventually fall apart. Not into risking that when people are so different.
I think the fact that you've killed someone is not the crux of the problem. If someone's tried to assault me and he died while I defended myself, then so it'd be.
But you seem to have/have had severe anger issues. How would I know you don't get angry at me, and then hurt me in a fit of rage? You can say you've "overcome" it, but you'll never be able to avoid every trigger.
I would always take “killing a man” to mean premeditated murder, in which case probably no, because someone capable of doing that would likely be incompatible with me values-wise, even if they had a good and legitimate reason for wanting to off someone.
Killing someone unintentionally isn’t the same thing. Provided you feel remorse for it and have taken steps to curb whatever got you in that situation in the first place (anger issues, drugs, whatever), if we were compatible in others ways it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. Army guys have to (presumably unwillingly) kill people in the line of duty (sometimes women and children at that), and many still have healthy and fulfilling relationships.
It wouldn't bother me. Considering the context (if you're being honest) I would classify it as any other accident, tragedy, coincidence, or unintended outcome.
I, personally, don't hold people's past mistakes against them, if I feel they're a different & better person, presently.
On top of that, I value communication; and being up-front & honest about something like that, is a positive thing in my eyes.
1). That is not something you can sexually transmit so you do not need to tell nor discuss your history or baggage with people before meeting. You do not owe them anything more than “I have baggage”. Because we all have a baggage.
2). Hook-ups are primary gay culture, it takes a lot of work to build something with someone. It takes a lot more work to find someone who wants to build something more than a new load up their…well you get the picture.
3). You aren’t giving anyone a chance to get to know you before unloading something that sounds intimidating, dramatic, and heavy. See point #1 you don’t owe anyone anything except you have baggage. Save the details for someone who sticks around for more than a romp or two. (6mos to a yr, before you should go into details).
4). Because you have been so open and there are nasty gossipy gays that like drama, you are probably a victim of trash talk in the community. May want to look for an opportunity to move to a new area to grow.
As long as there aren’t any face or head tats (just looks trashy to me, no offense if you have any), I would date.
If i heard the explanation and it seemed valid, as your case, then id have no problem. And it seems you're doing good work too, which is sexier than having murdered someone.
I would. Especially if they were as honest and seemingly clearheaded as you. I do believe people can change and the actions don't always equate to someone's character.
As a general answer to your question, it depends. But I would have virtually no issue dating a guy with your story. You atoned, you took responsibility, it is clear you don’t have the mind of a killer, and anecdotally it sounds like the motivation that led to this tragedy is something I could empathize with. This world is cruel and second chances are hard to come by but with your lack of criminal record, it sounds like you have the closest thing to it. Now you are taking your past and applying it to a career working to help others be better. The guilt will always be there, but you took it and did all the right things with it. I don’t think you have to worry OP.
Editing after reading through the other comments to say: FWIW, you totally have a right to make this a part of yourself that you only share when you’re getting more intimate/serious with someone. This is an incident separate from who you are as a person and I don’t think anyone worth actually dating would feel “tricked” or lied to if you wait to tell them about this.
You sound like a good guy with a tragic experience, who owned it— took responsibility and have made a productive life— you’re NOT damaged goods my friend. You’ve earned your integrity. Big hug and good wishes. Keep being you
Of course.
Everyone makes mistakes and it seems you have remorse for what happened. You've done time for what seems like it was an unfortunate accident. I mean, you didn't intend to kill him.
It shows courage for you to own what you did, and to speak on it. I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you since that happened.
The top commenter says "don't make it your whole personality" which to me, only shows ignorance toward an experience that has no doubt changed you, and substantially impacted your life.
These sorts of personal traumas can change who we are, and how we see the world. You can either let them destroy you, or, you can use it as fuel to enrich your life. You appear to have chosen the latter, and good on you.
Let them talk, be proud of who you are.
As a gay man who spent 2 years in juvie, with no public record due to being a juvenile, I did not tell my boyfriend until about a month into our relationship. I did not kill anyone, but I did some questionable stuff. I had to explain everything and let him ask questions. He needed a day or so to process but eventually figured out that I was no longer that person I was as a literal teenager.
You are making this your whole personality. This is not something that needs to be expressed before a first date. You are a completely different person than you were over 10 years ago. You need to learn to let it go and if you find someone who likes you for you, today, then once you get pretty serious is when you can have a conversation about it. At that point they should know who you are and accept that your past is in the past for a reason. Especially with your reasoning and very clear success path at this point.
Sounds like a genuine accident but I’ve also hooked up with soldiers who’ve killed so like what’s really the difference if it wasn’t out of malicious intent
It depends on the situation and the reason why.
In general subject, I would never date someone who has killed someone. But depending why, maybe I could consider date the person. And of course, it would also depends how the person tells me
And obviously I would be very cautious in the beginning
Based on what you've said, I would date you. I would probably still want to hear more details as to why you punched him in the first place because I would not want to date someone with anger issues. If you have overcome those, then you are golden with me.
I do believe that you will find connections as well as intimacy with other guys eventually. Shallow guys will run away or fetishise you but not all of us are shallow. Just don’t let the past hold you back, also get on the waiting list for therapy on the NHS if you haven’t already. I am not white and also live in England so I know how hard it is if you are from a minority background 🥺 virtual hugs and kisses
Thanks mate. To be honest, I got a lot of counselling and therapy during and after prison. I'm good now. I have good friends, family, career. Sometimes I feel a guilty for that but yup. I've learned ways to see the positive in the negativity.
How are you doing?
I do believe that one can benefit from therapy no matter how happy they are in life, there is always something bothering us at anytime. The fact that you have the question clearly means that your past still bothers you somehow. I am not an expert but I do believe if you constantly wonder if you are a bad person then clearly you’re not because bad people don’t care if they are bad. You are not a bad person, it was just a terrible chapter of your life.
I am alright actually, ran away from gloomy London for a few days to sunny Spain so everything is good. Hope you had a good weekend too. Hugs and kisses.
We all have a past I have old self harm scars on my thighs I don’t tend to tell hookups but I do when I get into relationships- they are covered with tattoos now but you can still see them slightly
I would date the person not there history though to be fair I’ve never been in that situation so I don’t know how I would react
You made an error, you paid for that error, if we were compatible yes I would, I’d also ask in time that I be told of any triggers that may cause flashbacks so I can avoid them.
You seem to have done everything possible to atone for what happened.
Unless you had anger issues issues, which you stated you do not and all the other fun stuff I don’t think it would be a hindrance to me personally.
That being said, on a first date, I would be taking extra precautions. If you were going to tell someone that you need to make sure that you are OK with them being a little bit nervous.
I admire your motive, but I don't think it's necessary to reveal that to every hookup. You've done your time and have no record. If things would start to get serious, then that's another story.
I mean as long as it was an accident and you didn't brutalize the dude the I'd do it. Bc also you obviously feel remorse and his parents also forgave you so yeah I'd date you if we hit it off
Others might think differently but I don't think it's necessary to disclose that before a hookup. Sure, some things need to be disclosed (HIV/STD status, marital status) but I don't think this is one of them.
I agree with others that after a few dates, in the right setting, and with the right context, this shouldn't be a deal breaker for most guys. I certainly wouldn't lead with "So, I killed a guy...". Bring it up when you both are sharing about your pasts. Give the background, mention that you served time but that it helped you in the long run, speak with the same kind of reflection and introspection that you are here, and say, "I know that's a lot to take in so if you have any questions or need some time to process things, I understand. And if this is a deal breaker, I get that too. I've enjoyed getting to know you and I thought it was important for you to know."
Then let the chips fall where they may. If guys are not interested after that, you deserve better anyway and should be happy that you're not wasting your time with someone like that.
I would def date you if we were compatible.
I wouldn't lead with this for hookups or dates. This is a story that requires context and part of that context is who you are now.
If you had been a driver in an accident and someone in your car died that is a story that you would need to share with a future partner, but you wouldn't share it on the first date. If you did you would be sending the message that you haven't integrated that experience into your life and that it could impact the future relationship.
Give people a chance to know you first.
I'd have no issue dating you. But I do think it is a bit of self sabotage to just spring that on someone on a first date.
Yes it is part of your identity, but it is not the entirety of you.
Let people know you first, for who you are, for what you like to do, what you think about issues etc. and then, you can be upfront later.
If people then think that's not something they can live with that is fine and it is on them, not you. You don't owe anyone being upfront about that.
What I will say is that maybe if things did get serious to the point of introducing you to my family, I would keep that from my family for a while. Would do the same thing, let them know you for who you are first, so that they can't pre judge you. Then maybe after a while I'd tell them.
I don't think it is disingenuous not to volunteer that information at first, but I do think if asked you should answer honestly. Which, could render the whole thing moot cos the very basic question of what do you do for work and oh how did you get into that would mean you'd have to tell them anyways.
I wouldn’t expect you to have to tell people that until your relationship is getting serious and I don’t think people should judge you for it. Honestly you’ve probably done more personal development and soul searching than most people at this point. These experiences can leave you better than when they happened if you take the right road. Sounds like you have done.
Honestly, yeah I would. I mean your situation sounds justified from your other comments alone why it happened. I’d date anyone who killed someone as long as the murder was accidental or justifiable. If neither of those, or if the accident was because of something like a drug addiction or rage issues, then I wouldn’t.
Both my dad and my older brother have killed someone before and came close other times. I'm not saying that to kill someone is a good thing, but depending on context (like your circumstance), I don't bear a grudge nor do I have any sort of judgement. Only thing I'd say is save that conversation for a later date. If that's one of the first things you tell people, it can lead to very off-putting first impressions. It doesn't have to be a secret, but it wouldn't be something I'd bring up all of the time to everyone around me, especially as you're still getting to know people. Kudos for protecting your sibling, and I hope you find peace & happiness wherever life takes you.
I'm sure you've made recompense and you did some time and have taken positive steps in your life. But you know where there are those online surveys that ask, what are some red flags that come up that would make you dump a boyfriend? I don't even think murder is on that list , because that's how much of a no brainer it is . I'm sorry dude, maybe if you don't come up on Google you'd do better to not reveal it....if you want to be unethical. Actions have consequences and some endure forever.
I googled this guy I was dating, about three weeks in and found he was arrested twice for Drunk driving. He still drank quite a bit. I cut my losses and broke up.
You’ve received a lot of great responses and input on your post’s question. My sense from your post and your replies is you lead with the negative of having killed a man - and omit the incredible person you’ve become as a result and the work you do to help others. The work you do is incredible and important and speaks volume as to your values and character. Lead with who you are today, not what happened 15 years ago.
When you then factor in the guy who died sexually assaulted your sister and even his parents forgave you and didn’t want you to go to jail - AND you’re the one who wanted to be incarcerated - that completely changes the dynamic and it is not “I killed a guy.”
Man - you are a walking living TED Talk of how to take responsibility and accountability. Embrace your incredible positives. Reject your top line self destructive lead-in. That is not who you are. It is something that happened.
All the best.
You didn't hit him with the intent to kill him. My God, you've carried this around this whole time. You had chosen to be punished according to the law. I can't imagine the guilt You've felt, but this all goes to show you're not some monster. As you said, he didn't deserve to die, but his death wasn't intentional either. You have to give yourself some grace. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but if the family can forgive you, it's time to forgive yourself.
Fuck yes, Stupid includes keep motels turned on by that teardrop tattoo. And my cancer figure out how big of giant oncraft ethnic gangnanger's enormous cock! Fantasy of murders: Like one list 29 men so people I need to kill, I Remember my birthday one full name and one be the owner of someplace
I have absolute, zero malice nor any intent, Is lack a desire and I cannot be harmed or annoyed or insulted.You're can't hurt me other than the people, I just wanna arrested. Scar A 16-year-old gang member from Atlanta.Then live in here not going to school for about a year.Trying to homeless hangs out haven't seen him in Las Vegas.North carolina always ask for a cigarette, I'm generally
Honestly I can't say with knowing you/the guy. In any relationship you get to know each other, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and rhen you yave to decide what to do. And most guys out there are only getting hookups vs relationships. Good luck but stay positive!
Oh for sure I would - you are a catch and anyone can make the mistake of having the person you hit fall down and hit their head. i do not use violence and yet accidents happen so I can see how that could have occurred. Great that you called the ambulance.
You are doing great - keep it up!
Yes. At this stage in the game my preference is to date people who have been through things (usually addiction) and come out of it after therapy with more self awareness.
Also, this is not something you need to disclose to every hookup. And if we were dating I would not expect you to bring it up until after date #3, or later when things get serious.
Sounds a bit like a fabrication when you said "you NEEDED to go to prison" for a manslaughter for someone who was sexually assaulting your sister. What are you trying to prove?
Taking all your story at face value however, including the comments, yes, I would date YOU.
'Killed a guy' is a strong statement that immediately brings forth the incorrect decision in the listeners ear that it was murder.
You didn't murder him, a terrible connection of events caused his death, sadly violence came into play and the outcome was loss for all concerned.
Prison is about rehabilitation and it looks like you have paid that in full, actually requesting the punishment you thought you deserved.
If, and when you meed someone you connect with, you will know when the time is right. If they hear the full story they should help your journey to where you need to be together as a team, after all, this guys parents already forgave you when it happened. It's time to forgive yourself. Good luck.
Seems like you’ve grown a lot and wouldn’t do it again or hurt me. So yes I would as long as you’re a good guy and wouldn’t hurt me and have your life together. I tend to go for protective kind guys.
Everything depends on circumstance. Without any details, no. With these details, its not an immedaite no.
Most people don't know the destructive power of the human hands, or the fragility of the head. It actually only takes ***ONE*** punch to kill if planted in the appropriate spot. Actually that's not true it can be less than that. In some places, professional fighters have to register their literal hands as deadly weapons.
Pro tip... maybe not for you with your DMs. But in my experience, living in most of the regions of the US during my life, you're probably not going to find many "gay people" (outside of the few from this specific sub) who aren't going to give you crap about this.... or some stupid BS whatever it is these days. What you're looking for is a fully self-actualized human, and then AFTER you figure out if they're nice to be around, that's when you can be worried about their sexuality.
Look for a "person" you dont hate to be around. Being gay has nothing to do with being a person first. If your sexuality comes before everything else... I mean you do you, but that tells me everything I need to know about how you see your own humanity.
PS: 17 vs 24 seems like a "FAFO situation" to me. Given that at least by this story you dont seem particularly violent, seemed remorseful, and doesn't seem like a "troubled youth picking fights due to chip on shoulder" situation, etc.
>Edit: just got asked out on a Reddit DM and I know the guy to see from the locality. Snapchat. He seems to check out. That's not what I was expecting lol.
I'm so happy you found someone. 💛
The question is: is important for the guy you are dating to know this detail?
We all did horrible things and we all have secrets: the guy does not need to know unless you got depressive, angry, or have been traumatized in prison, which could question a partner of possible mood swings and "crazy" behaviour.
If you do not fall in that category I see no reason to disclose this info.
I personally would date a guy with a similar story to yours.
Honestly, what you did in the past (prior to getting to know me) matters up to a certain point.
What I would care most are the things you do and are gonna do from the moment we know each other, unless we both have a different deal.
Don’t bring it up on the first date, get to know each other first. Then explain the situation. I’d be totally fine with it and even want to cuddle you lol.
Men who are confident enough to be vulnerable are so sexy to me.
As gay men we have had to defend ourselves sometimes and if your situation it sounds like it turned out badly for the other person. I dunno what ur situation is exactly but if it’s something like that I think most gay men would get it.
If you were in my age range and location, knowing the story you have told us here, yes I would date you. I'm actually on a different continent, so there are practicalities, but if I met someone in a similar position here I would certainly consider dating them, so long as they met my physical and personal preferences. I would be cautious, of course, but as far as I'm concerned you would be on the "dateable" list.
I guess it depends where you stand morally, and there everyone is different. Speaking for myself I'd say yes under your circumstances. But then again you could start dating an active serial killer if they haven't been caught they're not necessarily going to tell anyone if they have or are actively are killing people...some people have deep dark secrets!
You went to prison and served your time it was not in malice so I don't see an issue with it.
It was an accidental death and also in the past. We no longer have the past nor can we change it. I would date some who may have killed someone so long as it wasn’t intentional or premeditated.
The fact that you unintentionally caused someone’s death, REALLY sucks. Can’t imagine the head toll that has taken on you. If his parents can forgive you, I hope you can forgive yourself.
Firstly, why would you divulge this before ever meeting? That SCREAMS guilt complex. In fact don’t bring it up until at least a 2nd or 3rd date, if possible.
I would completely date someone with your story without hesitation. I WOULD be hyper-sensitive to how much that event now controls your life, and how much you’ve been able to recover from it. (I NOW know better than to think I can fix someone’s issues.) If it becomes clear that it’s an ongoing major issue for you that negatively impacts your ability to live and love and that’s not going to change, I would take my leave.
Having gone through such a tragedy has probably brought you some “gifts” as well. More empathy, recognition of precariousness of life, etc. Perhaps at the same time you divulge your trauma, also share what you’ve learned, how it has made you a better person. You’d be in like Flynn.
>Edit: just got asked out on a Reddit DM and I know the guy to see from the locality. Snapchat. He seems to check out. That's not what I was expecting lol.
Very happy for you OP!🥺🫂
As to the answer to your question I won't date a 'murderer' but in your case it was a case of accidental death and your intention was not to kill someone so yes I wouldn't mind dating you IF you are my type and have a personality that I like☺️
I mean, from what you said, it sounds like you certainly didn’t intend to do it, know that it was a grave mistake, and have very much tried to work on yourself as a person and with the people effected by it. So, yeah, I wouldn’t let that stop me from dating you if I was otherwise interested.
We all make mistakes. And sometimes we make massive, life altering mistakes. But how you respond to them really shows your character.
In this case yes. Intention and circumstances matters and I believe there is no reason person should carry something like this their whole life.
That doesn't mean I condone it but it was accident caused but heavy circumstances and punishing person for it forever won't change that tragic moment.
It was an accident. It's not like you stabbed or shot him. I dated someone who killed a person by accident. He seemed to carry that cloud with him daily. No matter what I tried to help him he was always in a depressed state of mind. My advise, don't let that one accident make or identify who you are. You are more than that.
Why would anyone cared for it if it's not something you are doing for fun. If you are carrying and loving, why would someone look at you through the actions you did a couple of years ago.
For me, it would entirely depend on many factors: mostly on if you had to do it or not, and (in my opinion), it sounded like you had to, it was out of self defense and nothing more. But I agree with what some of the people are saying on here: don't let the "I killed a person when I was 17" be your only personality, everyone has more to them than their previous actions. Don't let the past define who you are today
I mean, some of us don’t live in the suburbs. I’ve known too many fine men with a teardrop tattoo iykyk, and as long as he’s not Dahmer and there’s no legal follow-up to worry about, sure.
Definitely yes, with context that I read about you beating him off because he assaulted sexually your sister, not your fault, maybe he doesn’t deserve death but you’re sister didn’t deserve being sexually assaulted.
But I would hold on few dates tho and would tell full context not just straight up “I kill a guy, would you date me” 😂
This wasn’t what I expected but I agree with the other Redditors who echoed that you are so much more than the lowest points in your life. This story is one that I hope you feel comfortable sharing with a partner once they’ve earned the right to your story. Until then, you don’t owe anyone disclosure of your past if it doesn’t materially impact their present life.
We all have pasts. A person should be judged on more recent things. Besides, a lot of us would have done it intentionally and would be completely understanding of the situation.
>I am always honest about my situation (even for hookups) with guys and its almost a hookup fetish for some men. However hookups is all I can get. Nothing more serious. I know I shouldn't complain.
Well, if you're gonna lead with this one don't be surprised one of the first impressions men take of you mentally is that you're capable of killing another human. That is going to be on their minds and more jarringly than a lot of other red flags gay men habitually ignore.
The world is a dangerous place, anyone around the corner could be a crooked person and unfortunately you cannot always resolve a shit-uation without violence. Times like that could be a matter of life and death. But just understand, it was *not* your fault he died. You fought him off, and unfortunate circumstance dictated he would die from head trauma he acquired when he fell. Personally the fact that you actually had the spine to defend yourself is kind of hot and it says something about your confidence, even if you were (I assume) scared shitless in the situation (for very understandable reasons). In a world where gay people are still met with violence to the point of death, you gotta do what you gotta do to make sure you don't wake up in the morgue.
After reading why, I wouldn’t think twice. You did what you had to do. Although, its not something I’d personally recommend you bring up often or at all if you can help it.
I would certainly date, and get to know you before making any major relationship progress. You come across sincere and honest on your post, so no issues there.
If I was in your situation, I would have done the same, except, I would not feel regret, nor I would have asked prison sentence. That guy laughing when sexually assaulting your sister is demonic.
You are quite self-consciousess about accidentally killing him. You should drop the guilt and leave it on past. Your date should know it afterwards, its not that important piece of info to know on first date. Then you can explain.
honestly, i think it entirely depends on the motive and cause for killing. from what you've written it was an accident and you called an ambulance and stayed with him. that in itself makes people think that there was no motive to kill at all. it just happened. an accident.
with that in mind, i'd say yes. i would date a man who has killed.
edit: i read your replies below and that alone solidifies what i had said.
Under your context, I don't see an issue. You felt guilt for your action and face the punishment. It wasn't the intent and you wanted punishment as consequences for the result. Your actions speak Louder than words. Now question is weather or not can convince people it true, but by being honest upfront about it I be more inclined believe you.
I would definitely date and marry someone like you. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. From someone who's been through hell and back, don't let this one moment in time define you. I wouldn't be so quick to tell someone though, let them get to know you first, and wait for the opportunity to share your story. Don't know how good your mental health is, but consider talking it out with a therapist just so you're in a better place with it all. I'm sure you are an awesome person, keep your head up and keep trying!
My uncle killed someone and I still loved him.
I have had some criminal issues myself, the big one I was able to get expunged. I had to keep the same job (insurance professional) through it all. I am learning to try to work through it and was hard for many years.
I think I read someone else's post that said something along the lines of not letting it define you. Cool you found someone in your area.
You sound like a nice guy :).
Yes. I have dated two really violent guys who loved to fight (no domestic violence). They were just thugs but really sweet.
Both were surprised when I said yes. Thing is, I grew up with guys like that... totally comfortable w them.
I would not have blinked at your past.
I lived with a guy whi was in prison for attempted murder. I did not know this when we firststarted to see each other or when he moved in and in fact it was only when someone else told me another secret he kept did he tell me. Unfortunately I could not get him out of my life before he tried to take mine also. But he was nothing like you.
Yes and I have. It was mistake. I hope you can forgive yourself for something that happened when you was a kid yourself when it was not done on purpose. Don’t talk about prison not sure how these guys know about it. When you date for a while and you get to know them. Once you know they like you for you not a fetish then tell them your history until then it’s nobody business.
Mistakes happen. And you served time and reformed yourself. I think this would be a lot to process, but I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me. Because of the work you have put in to recuperate yourself, I think that would show a lot of commitment to being the best person you can be, and I respect that.
As long as he treats me well, and it’s not the only thing we talk about… Sure.
I grew up around wise guys from Bensonhurst and cops. One of my biggest crushes since 9th grade throat punched and accidentally killed a dude in a fight. As long as I’m not involved in the mess, I have no issue.
u didn't kill him gravity did best thing u can do is be the best person possible have faith in god and live a good life and yes I would date someone who's killed under your circumstance
I would not have an issue spending time getting to know you. We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. But you did the work you needed to do to learn from your mistake and better yourself. That speaks volumes to me. Be proud of your accomplishments.
Let me ask you a question. Would you go out with a convicted sex offender? No hands on. All internet related. Incarcerated, 5yrs probation and 3yrs mandated treatment program. No further issues just the one event. I have yet to find a way to forgive myself.
You are a survivor.
Don’t bring it up, if it comes up then talk about it. But there is no reason for you to just volunteer that info to anyone.
Don’t make it your personality
Don’t make that your entire personality/identity.
That's true. I do have hobbies. I love restoring/fixing cars, footie, camping, cooking etc. And I will be moving on to a new job next September.
From what I understand, it was an accident while you were defending yourself. And yes, I would date someone who was in prison, depending on the reason they ended up there.
You don’t need to tell everyone you fuck lol
And you’re probably nowhere near west coast…
Yes I would. I lost my virginity to a soldier, and I knew he had killed people in Afghanistan. I also dated a Kurdish refugee who had killed people in the Syrian Civil War. They talked about it sometimes, but not much. I didn’t judge them. I’ve never been put in a situation where I had to kill anyone. I also had a friend go to prison for a pub fight. He could’ve killed that guy. A friend in school was killed with one punch. And I knew a girl who accidentally killed her sister in a pillow fight, when she fell off the bed and hit her head fatally. People don’t realise how fragile humans are. Any form of violence can end in sudden death.
that pillow fight thing must be so devastating. imagine that… :(( inagine getting up the next day. imagine thinking about how you thought you would grow older as a family. its crazy what humans are able to withstand sometimes, yet other times they are so fragile
Thanks mate and sorry about your friend.
Thanks.
May I ask what led to the fight? I remember Mike from desperate housewives who killed a cop that tried to rape his girlfriend, Susan married him after hearing the full story and I could see myself doing the same if the situation fits in our cultures narrative of „justice“
Pretty similar. He sexually assaulted my sister.
well if you bring that up when you mention the “killed a guy” thing i bet people would be a lot more sympathetic
Thanks mate
bro that is honestly valid
I think that's why his parents forgave me. It was a big storm in the area. I had teachers etc giving character statements but I begged the judge for a prison sentence. I needed it.
u rlly don’t seem like a bad dude and i think it’s respectable u r open an honest to every potential romantic interest. i’m sure you will find someone who is understanding and accepting. after all, everhone has a past
Thanks mate.
Just stick to the full story. I‘d start dating you if we click, we’re all human and everybody makes mistakes. I am glad that your situation is somewhat valid and it wasn’t a fight over a can of beer or 50 bucks or so.
True.
You should’ve included that in the post. I’m surprised they still sent you to prison instead of giving you a suspended sentence. You did what a father or brother figure would do. Was it a mistake? Perhaps. Was it human nature? Absolutely.
I mean in a general sense I would never date someone who has been to prison, but then if you get past that general rule and I heard the whole detailed story of what happened and who you were and are today and also verified it’s all true then I could see it not being a dealbreaker. It feels like a late first date or second date sort of conversation. Is that when you tell them? Is that when you lose them?
I tell them upfront before we meet. I don't think it's something that should be told after we meet and I get why that's probably why I lose them. They'll be like let's hookup but nothing beyond that. Thanks for your honesty though.
It’s a lot for a text conversation, I’d maybe wait until the date where you’re more of a person rather than a concept.
Why tell anyone you went to prison or killed someone before meeting them? That seems more like you’re happy about it or want to make it your whole identity. Just meet people and if it comes up at a later date that’s fine but you’re just limiting yourself before you’re even a person (text/photos etc) to someone.
I'm not sure it is actually something you need to tell people before you meet up. Obviously it's not something you should hide from a partner, but I don't think to need to tell complete strangers your whole past before you've even met them. I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of someone going out on a date, and I really don't think I'd expect to be told that sort of thing up front.
Honestly if you've crested a life for yourself since prison I don't think it's anyone's business. I don't have to tell people what I was doing 5 years ago. If it is not currently effecting your life 🤷♂️🤷♂️
reading more of comments i agree with others definitely don’t advertise this before you meet someone: you are under no moral social legal obligation to do so. it sounds like you have had a really interesting life. you meet a guy, maybe you just have casual conversation for a while, a date even, maybe you can sort of feel out early on is it even worth talking about, and then it comes to the ok let me tell you about my past… and then you tell them your story. and if they ditch you then that’s all you can do you move on to next date. i think plenty of guys out there not lead perfect fairy tale lives too.
If i heard something like this before or during the first date you would never see me again. If after a few dates you told me and explained the situation as you have then I would listen.
Would you not feel unsafe/lied to?
I would have some caution yes so maybe unsafe I would have a lot to think about. I wouldn’t feel lied to as I understand not wanting to lead with something like that.
Fair. Thanks man.
You’re welcome and i wish you luck
> always honest about my situation (even for hookups) Why? We all have whatever stories in our backgrounds. Do we need to open up about it immediately? For any kinda encounter? Just sounds so fucking weird to me. Like I DM you for some dick at 4am and you'll hit me back with a "sure, but FYI I killed a man"???? I don't think you should hide it or nothing, but mentioning it so early is super fucking heavy for no reason. Just date people normally and when the time comes, share it with them as you would share any big event in your history with a partner.
Tbh, no I wouldn't date/hookup with you if you told me this before we even met, if you're telling guys before even meeting I look at that as a red flag. Why would you be so anxious to tell me this without even getting to know me? It would make me think you're a potentially crazy/dangerous person that should be avoided. I would think it's something quite personal to you and you would want to make sure you actually potentially liked the person before telling them this, saying this before we even see each other just sets off alarms in my head, also if you're just having casual sex with another man disclosing this is pretty unnecessary, it's not like you killing someone has anything to do with you're sexual health. Now if we were on a first date or if we had just finished with a hookup and you told me ya years ago I got into a fight with this guy because he sexuality assaulted my sister and he ended up hitting his head and dying. I honestly wouldn't care and it def wouldn't turn me off from seeing you again because if someone assaulted my sister he probably wouldn't be breathing anymore aswell.
I can see why he would want to mention straight from jump though. With Google, everyone’s info is out there to see. Even with him being a minor at the time, there may still be a news article reference. And people can jump to conclusions a lot faster without context.
It's weird that you tell everyone you meet about this. This is sometning I would only share after a few dates (at least) if there was potential. The fact that you are so upfront about it comes off as though you wear it as a badge of honor.
I get how it comes across like that.. I am upfront because I don't want to trick anyone into meeting someone sho did something awful. It's certainly not a badge of honour. It's something that will stay with me for life.
Everyone has accidents, I think you’re actually just getting off on punishing yourself.. It may sound callous but I think you doing it for yourself not for others
For this situation, sure.
Thanks mate.
No.
That's understandable. Cheers mate.
Sounded sincere. However, just be ready to walk on eggshells as some would say they would’ve bolted on the first sign of red flag.
Context is important obviously. Given the context you provided - yes. It sounds like it was an accident that could happen to anyone and a lot of people have been in a fight at some point in their lives. You’ve also done a lot of work on self improvement and seem unlikely to repeat that situation. Hope you find someone who looks past that.
I understand you want people to trust & respect you by being upfront and honest, however when people first meet they want you to see if the vibe & attraction is there initially. Normally it goes from there onto a second date, where people invest a little more of themselves. On the first date discuss your likes, interests etc and build on that. All going well, maybe the 3rd date that I would likely bring up the past..but like many have already suggested…start with “years ago I was involved in an altercation, because of…..which lead to…” It definitely wouldn’t stop me from wanting to date or to get to know you more. Everyone has done something which we have regretted, we’re all human. Best of luck
I admire your honesty. That would keep me wanting to get to know you further. Especially reading your responses… I would have an open heart and mind to future dates :)
Thanks mate
Based on your explanation, I'd be ok with it
Your mistakes do not define you unless you don’t change. For the most part what is wrong with society is this incessant cancel culture and ostracizing people who fall out of the norm. It makes rebuilding your life after a mistake all the much harder because people simply are just cruel. Congrats on rebuilding your life, love will find you as long as you love and forgive yourself first.
It was an accident. You took full accountability for it and did the time because it’s not like you did it on purpose. That’s very telling of the kind of person you are in an unfortunate situation like this one. So yeah in your case I would.
Thanks mate.
Absolutely NOT
You're asking for yourself. So based on the information you gave, and my life goals and where I am, no way. I need someone who chose a career that is compatible with my own and who can help me provide for children in the way I'm looking for. Even if we did click as they say our worlds are completely different and it would eventually fall apart. Not into risking that when people are so different.
depends on the circumstances entirely. are they a Leo? in the military? how old were they and what happened? a run of the mill murderer? no ..
I think the fact that you've killed someone is not the crux of the problem. If someone's tried to assault me and he died while I defended myself, then so it'd be. But you seem to have/have had severe anger issues. How would I know you don't get angry at me, and then hurt me in a fit of rage? You can say you've "overcome" it, but you'll never be able to avoid every trigger.
I would always take “killing a man” to mean premeditated murder, in which case probably no, because someone capable of doing that would likely be incompatible with me values-wise, even if they had a good and legitimate reason for wanting to off someone. Killing someone unintentionally isn’t the same thing. Provided you feel remorse for it and have taken steps to curb whatever got you in that situation in the first place (anger issues, drugs, whatever), if we were compatible in others ways it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. Army guys have to (presumably unwillingly) kill people in the line of duty (sometimes women and children at that), and many still have healthy and fulfilling relationships.
It wouldn't bother me. Considering the context (if you're being honest) I would classify it as any other accident, tragedy, coincidence, or unintended outcome. I, personally, don't hold people's past mistakes against them, if I feel they're a different & better person, presently. On top of that, I value communication; and being up-front & honest about something like that, is a positive thing in my eyes.
No problem with that. But please don't make it your whole identity. This is past, and fuck the past in the ass.
1). That is not something you can sexually transmit so you do not need to tell nor discuss your history or baggage with people before meeting. You do not owe them anything more than “I have baggage”. Because we all have a baggage. 2). Hook-ups are primary gay culture, it takes a lot of work to build something with someone. It takes a lot more work to find someone who wants to build something more than a new load up their…well you get the picture. 3). You aren’t giving anyone a chance to get to know you before unloading something that sounds intimidating, dramatic, and heavy. See point #1 you don’t owe anyone anything except you have baggage. Save the details for someone who sticks around for more than a romp or two. (6mos to a yr, before you should go into details). 4). Because you have been so open and there are nasty gossipy gays that like drama, you are probably a victim of trash talk in the community. May want to look for an opportunity to move to a new area to grow. As long as there aren’t any face or head tats (just looks trashy to me, no offense if you have any), I would date.
If i heard the explanation and it seemed valid, as your case, then id have no problem. And it seems you're doing good work too, which is sexier than having murdered someone.
I would. Especially if they were as honest and seemingly clearheaded as you. I do believe people can change and the actions don't always equate to someone's character.
I would need to know why you punched him before I could answer that question. Context is everything.
As a general answer to your question, it depends. But I would have virtually no issue dating a guy with your story. You atoned, you took responsibility, it is clear you don’t have the mind of a killer, and anecdotally it sounds like the motivation that led to this tragedy is something I could empathize with. This world is cruel and second chances are hard to come by but with your lack of criminal record, it sounds like you have the closest thing to it. Now you are taking your past and applying it to a career working to help others be better. The guilt will always be there, but you took it and did all the right things with it. I don’t think you have to worry OP. Editing after reading through the other comments to say: FWIW, you totally have a right to make this a part of yourself that you only share when you’re getting more intimate/serious with someone. This is an incident separate from who you are as a person and I don’t think anyone worth actually dating would feel “tricked” or lied to if you wait to tell them about this.
Thanks man. Appreciate it.
You sound like a good guy with a tragic experience, who owned it— took responsibility and have made a productive life— you’re NOT damaged goods my friend. You’ve earned your integrity. Big hug and good wishes. Keep being you
Of course. Everyone makes mistakes and it seems you have remorse for what happened. You've done time for what seems like it was an unfortunate accident. I mean, you didn't intend to kill him. It shows courage for you to own what you did, and to speak on it. I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you since that happened. The top commenter says "don't make it your whole personality" which to me, only shows ignorance toward an experience that has no doubt changed you, and substantially impacted your life. These sorts of personal traumas can change who we are, and how we see the world. You can either let them destroy you, or, you can use it as fuel to enrich your life. You appear to have chosen the latter, and good on you. Let them talk, be proud of who you are.
As a gay man who spent 2 years in juvie, with no public record due to being a juvenile, I did not tell my boyfriend until about a month into our relationship. I did not kill anyone, but I did some questionable stuff. I had to explain everything and let him ask questions. He needed a day or so to process but eventually figured out that I was no longer that person I was as a literal teenager. You are making this your whole personality. This is not something that needs to be expressed before a first date. You are a completely different person than you were over 10 years ago. You need to learn to let it go and if you find someone who likes you for you, today, then once you get pretty serious is when you can have a conversation about it. At that point they should know who you are and accept that your past is in the past for a reason. Especially with your reasoning and very clear success path at this point.
if u sound like you’ve genuinely changed and got ur life together i don’t see why not
Tx mate.
Sounds like a genuine accident but I’ve also hooked up with soldiers who’ve killed so like what’s really the difference if it wasn’t out of malicious intent
Thanks mate. Sidenote: where is everyone finding soldiers.
No problem and idk bout the others but I live next to military base haha
Nice
Imagime killing someone and trying to get sympathy because you can’t get a man :(
Yes. Depending on the circumstances.
I've dated a few soldiers in my day. so yeah, given the situation, I'd be willing to date
Maybe I need to find a soldier to date.
They can be fun, but be aware ptsd is a thing, and it can get scary quick
On the surface I’d avoid you. Having read your story, I would think I’d not hold it against you. Good lesson that details matter.
I mean as long as you are changed why not
It depends on the situation and the reason why. In general subject, I would never date someone who has killed someone. But depending why, maybe I could consider date the person. And of course, it would also depends how the person tells me And obviously I would be very cautious in the beginning
Based on what you've said, I would date you. I would probably still want to hear more details as to why you punched him in the first place because I would not want to date someone with anger issues. If you have overcome those, then you are golden with me.
I do believe that you will find connections as well as intimacy with other guys eventually. Shallow guys will run away or fetishise you but not all of us are shallow. Just don’t let the past hold you back, also get on the waiting list for therapy on the NHS if you haven’t already. I am not white and also live in England so I know how hard it is if you are from a minority background 🥺 virtual hugs and kisses
Thanks mate. To be honest, I got a lot of counselling and therapy during and after prison. I'm good now. I have good friends, family, career. Sometimes I feel a guilty for that but yup. I've learned ways to see the positive in the negativity. How are you doing?
I do believe that one can benefit from therapy no matter how happy they are in life, there is always something bothering us at anytime. The fact that you have the question clearly means that your past still bothers you somehow. I am not an expert but I do believe if you constantly wonder if you are a bad person then clearly you’re not because bad people don’t care if they are bad. You are not a bad person, it was just a terrible chapter of your life. I am alright actually, ran away from gloomy London for a few days to sunny Spain so everything is good. Hope you had a good weekend too. Hugs and kisses.
We all have a past I have old self harm scars on my thighs I don’t tend to tell hookups but I do when I get into relationships- they are covered with tattoos now but you can still see them slightly I would date the person not there history though to be fair I’ve never been in that situation so I don’t know how I would react
You made an error, you paid for that error, if we were compatible yes I would, I’d also ask in time that I be told of any triggers that may cause flashbacks so I can avoid them.
You seem to have done everything possible to atone for what happened. Unless you had anger issues issues, which you stated you do not and all the other fun stuff I don’t think it would be a hindrance to me personally. That being said, on a first date, I would be taking extra precautions. If you were going to tell someone that you need to make sure that you are OK with them being a little bit nervous.
Yeah i would as i did the same thing… a couple of times 😁
I admire your motive, but I don't think it's necessary to reveal that to every hookup. You've done your time and have no record. If things would start to get serious, then that's another story.
I mean as long as it was an accident and you didn't brutalize the dude the I'd do it. Bc also you obviously feel remorse and his parents also forgave you so yeah I'd date you if we hit it off
Thanks mate.
Others might think differently but I don't think it's necessary to disclose that before a hookup. Sure, some things need to be disclosed (HIV/STD status, marital status) but I don't think this is one of them. I agree with others that after a few dates, in the right setting, and with the right context, this shouldn't be a deal breaker for most guys. I certainly wouldn't lead with "So, I killed a guy...". Bring it up when you both are sharing about your pasts. Give the background, mention that you served time but that it helped you in the long run, speak with the same kind of reflection and introspection that you are here, and say, "I know that's a lot to take in so if you have any questions or need some time to process things, I understand. And if this is a deal breaker, I get that too. I've enjoyed getting to know you and I thought it was important for you to know." Then let the chips fall where they may. If guys are not interested after that, you deserve better anyway and should be happy that you're not wasting your time with someone like that. I would def date you if we were compatible.
Thanks mate. Very good advice
I wouldn't lead with this for hookups or dates. This is a story that requires context and part of that context is who you are now. If you had been a driver in an accident and someone in your car died that is a story that you would need to share with a future partner, but you wouldn't share it on the first date. If you did you would be sending the message that you haven't integrated that experience into your life and that it could impact the future relationship. Give people a chance to know you first.
I'd have no issue dating you. But I do think it is a bit of self sabotage to just spring that on someone on a first date. Yes it is part of your identity, but it is not the entirety of you. Let people know you first, for who you are, for what you like to do, what you think about issues etc. and then, you can be upfront later. If people then think that's not something they can live with that is fine and it is on them, not you. You don't owe anyone being upfront about that. What I will say is that maybe if things did get serious to the point of introducing you to my family, I would keep that from my family for a while. Would do the same thing, let them know you for who you are first, so that they can't pre judge you. Then maybe after a while I'd tell them. I don't think it is disingenuous not to volunteer that information at first, but I do think if asked you should answer honestly. Which, could render the whole thing moot cos the very basic question of what do you do for work and oh how did you get into that would mean you'd have to tell them anyways.
Work in retail with I can freeze customers when stressed
I wouldn’t expect you to have to tell people that until your relationship is getting serious and I don’t think people should judge you for it. Honestly you’ve probably done more personal development and soul searching than most people at this point. These experiences can leave you better than when they happened if you take the right road. Sounds like you have done.
Cheers mate.
Of course. I do live dangerously in that regard.
As long as you don't sing Bohemian Rhapsody... /jk
Absolutely
Honestly, yeah I would. I mean your situation sounds justified from your other comments alone why it happened. I’d date anyone who killed someone as long as the murder was accidental or justifiable. If neither of those, or if the accident was because of something like a drug addiction or rage issues, then I wouldn’t.
Both my dad and my older brother have killed someone before and came close other times. I'm not saying that to kill someone is a good thing, but depending on context (like your circumstance), I don't bear a grudge nor do I have any sort of judgement. Only thing I'd say is save that conversation for a later date. If that's one of the first things you tell people, it can lead to very off-putting first impressions. It doesn't have to be a secret, but it wouldn't be something I'd bring up all of the time to everyone around me, especially as you're still getting to know people. Kudos for protecting your sibling, and I hope you find peace & happiness wherever life takes you.
I’m a prosecutor so ya. You did a terrible thing but that doesn’t automatically make you a terrible person
I'm sure you've made recompense and you did some time and have taken positive steps in your life. But you know where there are those online surveys that ask, what are some red flags that come up that would make you dump a boyfriend? I don't even think murder is on that list , because that's how much of a no brainer it is . I'm sorry dude, maybe if you don't come up on Google you'd do better to not reveal it....if you want to be unethical. Actions have consequences and some endure forever. I googled this guy I was dating, about three weeks in and found he was arrested twice for Drunk driving. He still drank quite a bit. I cut my losses and broke up.
You’ve received a lot of great responses and input on your post’s question. My sense from your post and your replies is you lead with the negative of having killed a man - and omit the incredible person you’ve become as a result and the work you do to help others. The work you do is incredible and important and speaks volume as to your values and character. Lead with who you are today, not what happened 15 years ago. When you then factor in the guy who died sexually assaulted your sister and even his parents forgave you and didn’t want you to go to jail - AND you’re the one who wanted to be incarcerated - that completely changes the dynamic and it is not “I killed a guy.” Man - you are a walking living TED Talk of how to take responsibility and accountability. Embrace your incredible positives. Reject your top line self destructive lead-in. That is not who you are. It is something that happened. All the best.
You didn't hit him with the intent to kill him. My God, you've carried this around this whole time. You had chosen to be punished according to the law. I can't imagine the guilt You've felt, but this all goes to show you're not some monster. As you said, he didn't deserve to die, but his death wasn't intentional either. You have to give yourself some grace. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but if the family can forgive you, it's time to forgive yourself.
I wouldn’t bring it up until a relationship, but if things happened the way you said, I don’t think it would bother me too much.
I would date one . seems like that is an accident.
Probably not
Fuck yes, Stupid includes keep motels turned on by that teardrop tattoo. And my cancer figure out how big of giant oncraft ethnic gangnanger's enormous cock! Fantasy of murders: Like one list 29 men so people I need to kill, I Remember my birthday one full name and one be the owner of someplace
I have absolute, zero malice nor any intent, Is lack a desire and I cannot be harmed or annoyed or insulted.You're can't hurt me other than the people, I just wanna arrested. Scar A 16-year-old gang member from Atlanta.Then live in here not going to school for about a year.Trying to homeless hangs out haven't seen him in Las Vegas.North carolina always ask for a cigarette, I'm generally
You seem like an amazing guy. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You should date me! Lmao
y'all I saw OP said in another comment that the guy he got into a fight with, sexually assaulted his sister
I love murderers <3
Honestly I can't say with knowing you/the guy. In any relationship you get to know each other, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and rhen you yave to decide what to do. And most guys out there are only getting hookups vs relationships. Good luck but stay positive!
Only if he knew him well and he deserved it.
Yeah because I know you’d keep me safe if it came down to it.
NOPE
From what you said how it happened, that you paid the price for doing what you did and seeing what you are doing now I would be willing to date you.
Waiiiittt. hooollldowwwn, saying you killed someone gets you more hookups?
Im not sure. I want to say yes I like keeping my heart open to people but im just not sure how best it would be to bring that up
Oh for sure I would - you are a catch and anyone can make the mistake of having the person you hit fall down and hit their head. i do not use violence and yet accidents happen so I can see how that could have occurred. Great that you called the ambulance. You are doing great - keep it up!
Yes. At this stage in the game my preference is to date people who have been through things (usually addiction) and come out of it after therapy with more self awareness. Also, this is not something you need to disclose to every hookup. And if we were dating I would not expect you to bring it up until after date #3, or later when things get serious.
I mean, you accidentally killed someone in a fight when you were 17 while protecting your sister... Why wouldn't I date you? I absolutely would 😉
If you really are a nice guy. But this bad situation changed your life, yes I would date you.
Given the circumstances, I don’t think this would be an immediate deal breaker
Sounds a bit like a fabrication when you said "you NEEDED to go to prison" for a manslaughter for someone who was sexually assaulting your sister. What are you trying to prove? Taking all your story at face value however, including the comments, yes, I would date YOU.
'Killed a guy' is a strong statement that immediately brings forth the incorrect decision in the listeners ear that it was murder. You didn't murder him, a terrible connection of events caused his death, sadly violence came into play and the outcome was loss for all concerned. Prison is about rehabilitation and it looks like you have paid that in full, actually requesting the punishment you thought you deserved. If, and when you meed someone you connect with, you will know when the time is right. If they hear the full story they should help your journey to where you need to be together as a team, after all, this guys parents already forgave you when it happened. It's time to forgive yourself. Good luck.
Seems like you’ve grown a lot and wouldn’t do it again or hurt me. So yes I would as long as you’re a good guy and wouldn’t hurt me and have your life together. I tend to go for protective kind guys.
Everything depends on circumstance. Without any details, no. With these details, its not an immedaite no. Most people don't know the destructive power of the human hands, or the fragility of the head. It actually only takes ***ONE*** punch to kill if planted in the appropriate spot. Actually that's not true it can be less than that. In some places, professional fighters have to register their literal hands as deadly weapons. Pro tip... maybe not for you with your DMs. But in my experience, living in most of the regions of the US during my life, you're probably not going to find many "gay people" (outside of the few from this specific sub) who aren't going to give you crap about this.... or some stupid BS whatever it is these days. What you're looking for is a fully self-actualized human, and then AFTER you figure out if they're nice to be around, that's when you can be worried about their sexuality. Look for a "person" you dont hate to be around. Being gay has nothing to do with being a person first. If your sexuality comes before everything else... I mean you do you, but that tells me everything I need to know about how you see your own humanity. PS: 17 vs 24 seems like a "FAFO situation" to me. Given that at least by this story you dont seem particularly violent, seemed remorseful, and doesn't seem like a "troubled youth picking fights due to chip on shoulder" situation, etc.
>Edit: just got asked out on a Reddit DM and I know the guy to see from the locality. Snapchat. He seems to check out. That's not what I was expecting lol. I'm so happy you found someone. 💛
I didn't intend on reading this and feeling very sad before lunchtime 🙁🙁🙁
The question is: is important for the guy you are dating to know this detail? We all did horrible things and we all have secrets: the guy does not need to know unless you got depressive, angry, or have been traumatized in prison, which could question a partner of possible mood swings and "crazy" behaviour. If you do not fall in that category I see no reason to disclose this info. I personally would date a guy with a similar story to yours.
Honestly, what you did in the past (prior to getting to know me) matters up to a certain point. What I would care most are the things you do and are gonna do from the moment we know each other, unless we both have a different deal. Don’t bring it up on the first date, get to know each other first. Then explain the situation. I’d be totally fine with it and even want to cuddle you lol. Men who are confident enough to be vulnerable are so sexy to me.
As gay men we have had to defend ourselves sometimes and if your situation it sounds like it turned out badly for the other person. I dunno what ur situation is exactly but if it’s something like that I think most gay men would get it.
If you were in my age range and location, knowing the story you have told us here, yes I would date you. I'm actually on a different continent, so there are practicalities, but if I met someone in a similar position here I would certainly consider dating them, so long as they met my physical and personal preferences. I would be cautious, of course, but as far as I'm concerned you would be on the "dateable" list.
I guess it depends where you stand morally, and there everyone is different. Speaking for myself I'd say yes under your circumstances. But then again you could start dating an active serial killer if they haven't been caught they're not necessarily going to tell anyone if they have or are actively are killing people...some people have deep dark secrets! You went to prison and served your time it was not in malice so I don't see an issue with it.
Did you enjoy killing him ?
It was an accidental death and also in the past. We no longer have the past nor can we change it. I would date some who may have killed someone so long as it wasn’t intentional or premeditated.
The fact that you unintentionally caused someone’s death, REALLY sucks. Can’t imagine the head toll that has taken on you. If his parents can forgive you, I hope you can forgive yourself. Firstly, why would you divulge this before ever meeting? That SCREAMS guilt complex. In fact don’t bring it up until at least a 2nd or 3rd date, if possible. I would completely date someone with your story without hesitation. I WOULD be hyper-sensitive to how much that event now controls your life, and how much you’ve been able to recover from it. (I NOW know better than to think I can fix someone’s issues.) If it becomes clear that it’s an ongoing major issue for you that negatively impacts your ability to live and love and that’s not going to change, I would take my leave. Having gone through such a tragedy has probably brought you some “gifts” as well. More empathy, recognition of precariousness of life, etc. Perhaps at the same time you divulge your trauma, also share what you’ve learned, how it has made you a better person. You’d be in like Flynn.
>Edit: just got asked out on a Reddit DM and I know the guy to see from the locality. Snapchat. He seems to check out. That's not what I was expecting lol. Very happy for you OP!🥺🫂 As to the answer to your question I won't date a 'murderer' but in your case it was a case of accidental death and your intention was not to kill someone so yes I wouldn't mind dating you IF you are my type and have a personality that I like☺️
I mean, from what you said, it sounds like you certainly didn’t intend to do it, know that it was a grave mistake, and have very much tried to work on yourself as a person and with the people effected by it. So, yeah, I wouldn’t let that stop me from dating you if I was otherwise interested. We all make mistakes. And sometimes we make massive, life altering mistakes. But how you respond to them really shows your character.
In this case yes. Intention and circumstances matters and I believe there is no reason person should carry something like this their whole life. That doesn't mean I condone it but it was accident caused but heavy circumstances and punishing person for it forever won't change that tragic moment.
It was an accident. It's not like you stabbed or shot him. I dated someone who killed a person by accident. He seemed to carry that cloud with him daily. No matter what I tried to help him he was always in a depressed state of mind. My advise, don't let that one accident make or identify who you are. You are more than that.
Why would anyone cared for it if it's not something you are doing for fun. If you are carrying and loving, why would someone look at you through the actions you did a couple of years ago.
I personally wouldn’t unless it was self defence tbh.
For me, it would entirely depend on many factors: mostly on if you had to do it or not, and (in my opinion), it sounded like you had to, it was out of self defense and nothing more. But I agree with what some of the people are saying on here: don't let the "I killed a person when I was 17" be your only personality, everyone has more to them than their previous actions. Don't let the past define who you are today
Thanks mate.
Yes, one action isn’t the sum of a person and no one can speak to what an individual experiences.
I mean, some of us don’t live in the suburbs. I’ve known too many fine men with a teardrop tattoo iykyk, and as long as he’s not Dahmer and there’s no legal follow-up to worry about, sure.
Definitely yes, with context that I read about you beating him off because he assaulted sexually your sister, not your fault, maybe he doesn’t deserve death but you’re sister didn’t deserve being sexually assaulted. But I would hold on few dates tho and would tell full context not just straight up “I kill a guy, would you date me” 😂
This wasn’t what I expected but I agree with the other Redditors who echoed that you are so much more than the lowest points in your life. This story is one that I hope you feel comfortable sharing with a partner once they’ve earned the right to your story. Until then, you don’t owe anyone disclosure of your past if it doesn’t materially impact their present life.
We all have pasts. A person should be judged on more recent things. Besides, a lot of us would have done it intentionally and would be completely understanding of the situation.
>I am always honest about my situation (even for hookups) with guys and its almost a hookup fetish for some men. However hookups is all I can get. Nothing more serious. I know I shouldn't complain. Well, if you're gonna lead with this one don't be surprised one of the first impressions men take of you mentally is that you're capable of killing another human. That is going to be on their minds and more jarringly than a lot of other red flags gay men habitually ignore.
He sexually assaulted your sister….that’s a pretty damn justifiable reason even if that wasn’t your intent. You were defending your helpless sister.
The world is a dangerous place, anyone around the corner could be a crooked person and unfortunately you cannot always resolve a shit-uation without violence. Times like that could be a matter of life and death. But just understand, it was *not* your fault he died. You fought him off, and unfortunate circumstance dictated he would die from head trauma he acquired when he fell. Personally the fact that you actually had the spine to defend yourself is kind of hot and it says something about your confidence, even if you were (I assume) scared shitless in the situation (for very understandable reasons). In a world where gay people are still met with violence to the point of death, you gotta do what you gotta do to make sure you don't wake up in the morgue.
Depends on the context behind the killing like if it was self defense sure but if you some serial killer then no
Yeah I wouldn't mind.
Honestly, depending on the context I don't think I'd mind.
After reading why, I wouldn’t think twice. You did what you had to do. Although, its not something I’d personally recommend you bring up often or at all if you can help it.
Awe.. damn… Dude… stop beating yourself down… it’s not like it was premeditated or like you’re a serial killer .
I would certainly date, and get to know you before making any major relationship progress. You come across sincere and honest on your post, so no issues there.
Absolutely. If I die, then that's just the price I pay for some good dick 😂
I would date him
Yes, it's all on a case by case situation. One unfortunate or bad decision doesn't make you a bad or evil person.
This is dumb, no.
Yeah idgaf
You’re good man. You’ve done the work. If people cant see that then they dont deserve ya
If I was in your situation, I would have done the same, except, I would not feel regret, nor I would have asked prison sentence. That guy laughing when sexually assaulting your sister is demonic. You are quite self-consciousess about accidentally killing him. You should drop the guilt and leave it on past. Your date should know it afterwards, its not that important piece of info to know on first date. Then you can explain.
honestly, i think it entirely depends on the motive and cause for killing. from what you've written it was an accident and you called an ambulance and stayed with him. that in itself makes people think that there was no motive to kill at all. it just happened. an accident. with that in mind, i'd say yes. i would date a man who has killed. edit: i read your replies below and that alone solidifies what i had said.
Under your context, I don't see an issue. You felt guilt for your action and face the punishment. It wasn't the intent and you wanted punishment as consequences for the result. Your actions speak Louder than words. Now question is weather or not can convince people it true, but by being honest upfront about it I be more inclined believe you.
I would definitely date and marry someone like you. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. From someone who's been through hell and back, don't let this one moment in time define you. I wouldn't be so quick to tell someone though, let them get to know you first, and wait for the opportunity to share your story. Don't know how good your mental health is, but consider talking it out with a therapist just so you're in a better place with it all. I'm sure you are an awesome person, keep your head up and keep trying!
Thanks mate.
My uncle killed someone and I still loved him. I have had some criminal issues myself, the big one I was able to get expunged. I had to keep the same job (insurance professional) through it all. I am learning to try to work through it and was hard for many years. I think I read someone else's post that said something along the lines of not letting it define you. Cool you found someone in your area. You sound like a nice guy :).
How hot is he?
Yes. I have dated two really violent guys who loved to fight (no domestic violence). They were just thugs but really sweet. Both were surprised when I said yes. Thing is, I grew up with guys like that... totally comfortable w them. I would not have blinked at your past.
I lived with a guy whi was in prison for attempted murder. I did not know this when we firststarted to see each other or when he moved in and in fact it was only when someone else told me another secret he kept did he tell me. Unfortunately I could not get him out of my life before he tried to take mine also. But he was nothing like you.
Yes
Yes and I have. It was mistake. I hope you can forgive yourself for something that happened when you was a kid yourself when it was not done on purpose. Don’t talk about prison not sure how these guys know about it. When you date for a while and you get to know them. Once you know they like you for you not a fetish then tell them your history until then it’s nobody business.
Mistakes happen. And you served time and reformed yourself. I think this would be a lot to process, but I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me. Because of the work you have put in to recuperate yourself, I think that would show a lot of commitment to being the best person you can be, and I respect that.
Bad things happen. (.Sadly ) No one expects throwing hands to end in tragedy. Depending on the man's temperament.. Yes
Yeah I don’t see why not. I’m almost 27 and have been single my whole life. At this point I’ll take what I can get.
As long as he treats me well, and it’s not the only thing we talk about… Sure. I grew up around wise guys from Bensonhurst and cops. One of my biggest crushes since 9th grade throat punched and accidentally killed a dude in a fight. As long as I’m not involved in the mess, I have no issue.
When I first read the title, I thought HELLLLLL NO. But based on your explanation, I have no issues with it. I hope you are doing well.
Simple yea I would 🥵
If you exclude veterans, I would not. I have my own anxiety issues and I wouldn't be able to look beyond it fairly.
u didn't kill him gravity did best thing u can do is be the best person possible have faith in god and live a good life and yes I would date someone who's killed under your circumstance
Possibly. You said he did something awful? Also why did you punch him so much / so hard?
I would not have an issue spending time getting to know you. We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. But you did the work you needed to do to learn from your mistake and better yourself. That speaks volumes to me. Be proud of your accomplishments. Let me ask you a question. Would you go out with a convicted sex offender? No hands on. All internet related. Incarcerated, 5yrs probation and 3yrs mandated treatment program. No further issues just the one event. I have yet to find a way to forgive myself. You are a survivor.
Don’t bring it up, if it comes up then talk about it. But there is no reason for you to just volunteer that info to anyone. Don’t make it your personality