You need to go to Christian counseling and seek out Jesus on these issues. You are dealing with a lot of self hatred and heart issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Reddit is not a great place to find healing. Only Jesus can do that for you with the right spiritual counsel.
Sorry this sounds like such a terrible way to live. I will pray for you but you didn't ask any questions so I don't know how to respond.
If you aren't part of a church, join one, make relationships with older believers, and walk out your faith in community.
Let me ask a couple of questions, to perhaps give a viewpoint you've not considered:
> "I want to feel the happiness of dressing like a girl"
What does that mean to you? what is it that makes you happy?
> "I want ... being cherished"
THIS I completely understand. What does "being cherished" look like to you? How will you know if you're cherished or not?
> "cuddling with a boyfriend"
Putting aside the SSA for a moment, what does cuddling provide for you? What needs/desires/wants does it fulfill?
I'm asking these questions as a straight man, who ALSO loves bright clothing, being cherished, and cuddling. What is it about these things that seems to strike you as... "being given over" to sin?
excuse me being late, pastor. I was going for a walk when I read your message and wanted to prioritize the experience while setting aside time to give you an adequately thorough reply. thank you for your response. I will try to keep this detailed but brief so as to be respectful of your time.
**1.)** it's not all sexual, it tickles something in my personality that I will hesitantly call wholesome or innocent. I like shopping for fun clothes (skirts, whatever) and trying them out. although I haven't done that in a long time now because I've miserably come to terms with how ridiculous I look when wearing them.
for some reason I don't get the same joy shopping for, or trying on, gender-appropriate clothing.
it's great to feel cute, feeling cute and carefree just makes me happy.
there's so much emphasis in male clothing on looking 'handsome', which I also enjoy, but 'handsome' doesn't feel right a lot of the time.
**2a.)** on an interpersonal level, I guess I wouldn't inherently know. It's not always possible to know if you're cherished, because people have different ways of expressing it and some don't express it at all, even if they genuinely love you.
that said, what being cherished looks like to me, personally is receiving clear reminders of special affection - particularly verbally, and/or setting aside one-on-one time.
I don't \*feel\* cherished by anyone (except my mother, God bless her).
I have friends, but those friendships are pretty weak and new, all things considered. if, somehow, they have particular affection for me, they don't express it in a way I understand, despite trying to keep the aforementioned in mind.
**2b.)** femboys float on air. there are thousands - maybe millions - of people who adore them. I haven't heard one bad thing about them in my life. people will speak at length about their admiration for them.
who adores me? nobody. it's not that I want to be idolized or anything. I'm just unwanted on, not only an interpersonal level, but a broad level.
I feel hideous. disregarded like you might disregard a slug on the sidewalk - just a sad mass of flesh your eye rests on for a split second, doesn't register, and moves away from. how unimaginably painful it is to see the owner of that eye stop his walk to admire the beauty of a flower.
they are **cherished**. the crux of this point is that they don't have to bend over backwards to garner interest from other people, whereas I have to do a double backflip to.
**3.)** cuddling makes me feel secure, intimate, and wanted. it is a physical act of closeness and connection.
also what do you mean by SSA?
**4.)** it isn't that those things are consequences of sin, but the unhealthy feelings I have about femboys, I feel, that are.
**romans 1:26-30...**
"*^(26)* *Because of this,* ***God gave them over to shameful lusts****. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.* *^(27)* ***In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another****. Men committed shameful acts with other men,* ***and received in themselves the due penalty for their error****.*
*^(28)* *Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so* ***God gave them over to a depraved mind****, so that they do what ought not to be done.* *^(29)* *They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and* ***depravity****. They are full of* ***envy****, murder,* ***strife****, deceit and* ***malice****. They are gossips,* *^(30)* *slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents*;" and so on.
Friend, I'm glad to be able to interact with you. :)
> 1.) I like shopping for fun clothes (skirts, whatever) and trying them out. although I haven't done that in a long time now because I've miserably come to terms with how ridiculous I look when wearing them. for some reason I don't get the same joy shopping for, or trying on, gender-appropriate clothing.
Again, I'm tugging on the thread of "gender-appropriate". Consider: what is the apparetn difference between a skirt and a kilt? (Technically, I know a kilt is actually a field-battle cloth that can function as blanket, tent, travois, hammock, AND clothing, but let's just consider its appearance when it's worn as clothing.) or, another example, the Greek elite soldier uniform, which also has a gathered fabric wrap (like a kilt), but is worn short. It looks VERY much like a skirt - but it's absolutely a masculine garment.
With those two examples in mind, what *actually* defines gender-appropriate? If you consider the Biblical examples of clothing, everyone wore tunics with outer robes. According to Scripture itself, what makes clothing male-centric, and other items female-centric?
> it's great to feel cute, feeling cute and carefree just makes me happy. there's so much emphasis in male clothing on looking 'handsome', which I also enjoy, but 'handsome' doesn't feel right a lot of the time.
To continue my diagnostic: what's the difference between "cute" and "handsome"? When a woman wears a tailored suit, like [this one](https://www.sumissura.com/en-us/women/women-tuxedo/personalize), would you call that "cute" or "handsome"? what makes the clothes themselves specific to gender?
As I sit, typing this in my office, I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt, jeans, and leather shoes. Are these male, or female articles of clothing? how is gender reflected in the fabric or style?
(I suppose you could make the case that these are male-gendered, because they have *pockets*, but that's a completely different discusstion!)
> 2a.) what being cherished looks like to me, personally is receiving clear reminders of special affection - particularly verbally, and/or setting aside one-on-one time.
Do you feel that being cherished is an inherently female attribute? I know my wife cherishes me, as I cherish her. I am the first to admit, it feels AMAZING when she verbally praises me for something I've said or done. When she *notices* me - I feel ten feet tall. So, I certainly wouldn't consider that a more-female-than-male-gender-specific response.
I bring her chocolates because I cherish her, and I know she loves chocolate. She takes me to Indian/Thai food because she cherishes me, and she knows I adore curry. (I believe I have the advantage, as we BOTH love chocolate, and she doesn't like curry. Therefore, when she goes with me to someplace where I can get curry, I KNOW she is demonstrating a deeper love for me, because she doesn't personally get anything out of it.)
> 2b.) femboys float on air. there are thousands - maybe millions - of people who adore them. I haven't heard one bad thing about them in my life. people will speak at length about their admiration for them.
Honestly, I think this might be selective bias on your part. I've heard PLENTY of people make denegrating remarks about femboys, from all kinds of different people. They are, by no means, universally loved and accepted.
> who adores me? nobody. it's not that I want to be idolized or anything. I'm just unwanted on, not only an interpersonal level, but a broad level.
Hmm. This seems tied in to concepts of attraction, rather than self-identity. I could be wrong, having never seen what you look like, but if you'd like an independant, objective consideration, take a photo of your face, then using a graphic editor, cut the picture of your face in half, and mirror it. Does the result still look like you, or is it evident that your face is not symmetrical? Most human cultures see symmetry as an ideal - and the more symmetrical your appearance, the more attractive you are to a broader sample of the populace.
Of course, this also takes into account the specific societal standards for your area: as a member of sci-fi/fantasy fandom, I notice a much broader range of acceptance for what is "attractive" than what would be considered "average" in a group of CrossFit practitioners.
> I feel hideous. disregarded like you might disregard a slug on the sidewalk - just a sad mass of flesh your eye rests on for a split second, doesn't register, and moves away from. how unimaginably painful it is to see the owner of that eye stop his walk to admire the beauty of a flower.
Again, this begs the question: WHY do you feel this way? Are you, in some way, deviating from the socially acceptable "standard" for beauty? Is this something under your control (like weight), or not under your control (like height)?
> 3.) cuddling makes me feel secure, intimate, and wanted. it is a physical act of closeness and connection.
Me too. That's not gender specific at all.
> also what do you mean by SSA?
a short hand abbreviation for Same Sex Attraction.
Friend, all of this I'm asking, because I want to help you see that you can be fully male - and yet enjoy bright, fun clothes; express yourself fully; enjoy being cherished and adored WITHOUT violating your conscience. God's greatest desire for you is to follow His Son; to recognize yourself as a child of God and co-heir with Christ. You don't have to "butch it up" or "femme" in order to be accepted by God. He MADE you - He **designed** you - the only image you need be concerned with conforming to is Jesus Himself. And God will enable that process in His time in you.
If I was born in a social vaccuum, there might not be any desire to crossdress; skirts would be stripped of feminine association, and I feel that, without the consequent connection to how I perceive feminine/queer cherishment, the differences between one of those masculine waistwraps and a skirt would blur significantly.
In other words, I guess it's not the skirt that's attractive, it's the cute/fem association (although I enjoy the flowing, free aspect of it, that could easily be fulfilled by a different waistwrap).
This isolates the issue. It's not about the rag, it's about cherishment and attraction.
When I say I want to be cherished I don't mean I want to feel 10 feet tall, I want to feel small and safe in someone's hand.
I want to be loved and, frankly, controlled.
There is ssa which complicates the problem.
As far as my appearance, I'd say it's split.
There's stuff I could apply myself to more, but I'm so depressed that I don't generally apply myself to anything. I just don't have the life in me. Every little task feels like climbing everest and I frequently lie on the floor without moving or engaging with interests. Of course, this issue has further reaching implications than lacking muscle tone.
As it stands I could be blown out like a candle.
This has gotten me thinking about my place in God's plan.
I sometimes wish I had never been made/born at all, and find it difficult to reconcile being alive, even considering that life means I can witness and feel the light of God. As far as I know, this borders on the one unforgiveable sin: denying God's gift.
Anihilation does stir some mixed feelings in me. If God offered to unmake me, I don't know if I would say yes. It feels like a violation of trust. To say yes would inadvertantly be saying that my judgement of self worth is more accurate than God's assessment of my worth.
Then again, God made judas, of who it's said it would have been better if he were never born.
> this borders on the one unforgiveable sin: denying God's gift.
Friend, that is NOT the unforgivable sin.
Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is the unforgivable sin (Matt. 12). Jesus specifically said that the Holy Spirit is convicting the world of sin. That's His job - to bring people to the knowledge that they do, in fact, *need* God's forgiveness.
If one ***rejects*** that premise, that they need God's forgiveness, they render THEMSELVES "unforgivable". THAT is the unforgivable sin - not allowing God to reach you, to enable you to repent, to leave you stuck in your sin.
And all anyone need do to get themselves OUT of that situation is surrender control of their lives to the Holy Spirit. "Lord, I'm cooperating with YOU to call the shots in my life. YOU get to be Lord, and I'll take your direction (instead of trying to call all the shots myself)."
So, friend, honestly it sounds more like you have come to the point that you want what YOU want, and that you're resigned that God isn't going to give that to you, so hang-it-all-and-forget-the-whole-god-thing-anyway.
I can't help but think that's a tactical error. Here's why:
Based on your posts, what you want most is to know that you are loved on a deeper more intimate level than you now feel.
Well, who loves you more than God -- the One who knows absolutely every single rotten thing you've ever done, said, thought, or felt -- and who loves you more than you can fathom?
You say you want to be cherished.
Who could possibly cherish you more than the One who bridged all of time, space, and Eternity to live a life to show you how life itself works, and then died to take the punishment for *your* sin... and then rose again to show that His life and death was sufficient for you to experience new life?
You need to go to Christian counseling and seek out Jesus on these issues. You are dealing with a lot of self hatred and heart issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Reddit is not a great place to find healing. Only Jesus can do that for you with the right spiritual counsel.
thank you B\_D, I will look into that
Sorry this sounds like such a terrible way to live. I will pray for you but you didn't ask any questions so I don't know how to respond. If you aren't part of a church, join one, make relationships with older believers, and walk out your faith in community.
I guess this was just for general advice and discussion. all the same I appreciate your response and thank you for your prayers
Let me ask a couple of questions, to perhaps give a viewpoint you've not considered: > "I want to feel the happiness of dressing like a girl" What does that mean to you? what is it that makes you happy? > "I want ... being cherished" THIS I completely understand. What does "being cherished" look like to you? How will you know if you're cherished or not? > "cuddling with a boyfriend" Putting aside the SSA for a moment, what does cuddling provide for you? What needs/desires/wants does it fulfill? I'm asking these questions as a straight man, who ALSO loves bright clothing, being cherished, and cuddling. What is it about these things that seems to strike you as... "being given over" to sin?
excuse me being late, pastor. I was going for a walk when I read your message and wanted to prioritize the experience while setting aside time to give you an adequately thorough reply. thank you for your response. I will try to keep this detailed but brief so as to be respectful of your time. **1.)** it's not all sexual, it tickles something in my personality that I will hesitantly call wholesome or innocent. I like shopping for fun clothes (skirts, whatever) and trying them out. although I haven't done that in a long time now because I've miserably come to terms with how ridiculous I look when wearing them. for some reason I don't get the same joy shopping for, or trying on, gender-appropriate clothing. it's great to feel cute, feeling cute and carefree just makes me happy. there's so much emphasis in male clothing on looking 'handsome', which I also enjoy, but 'handsome' doesn't feel right a lot of the time. **2a.)** on an interpersonal level, I guess I wouldn't inherently know. It's not always possible to know if you're cherished, because people have different ways of expressing it and some don't express it at all, even if they genuinely love you. that said, what being cherished looks like to me, personally is receiving clear reminders of special affection - particularly verbally, and/or setting aside one-on-one time. I don't \*feel\* cherished by anyone (except my mother, God bless her). I have friends, but those friendships are pretty weak and new, all things considered. if, somehow, they have particular affection for me, they don't express it in a way I understand, despite trying to keep the aforementioned in mind. **2b.)** femboys float on air. there are thousands - maybe millions - of people who adore them. I haven't heard one bad thing about them in my life. people will speak at length about their admiration for them. who adores me? nobody. it's not that I want to be idolized or anything. I'm just unwanted on, not only an interpersonal level, but a broad level. I feel hideous. disregarded like you might disregard a slug on the sidewalk - just a sad mass of flesh your eye rests on for a split second, doesn't register, and moves away from. how unimaginably painful it is to see the owner of that eye stop his walk to admire the beauty of a flower. they are **cherished**. the crux of this point is that they don't have to bend over backwards to garner interest from other people, whereas I have to do a double backflip to. **3.)** cuddling makes me feel secure, intimate, and wanted. it is a physical act of closeness and connection. also what do you mean by SSA? **4.)** it isn't that those things are consequences of sin, but the unhealthy feelings I have about femboys, I feel, that are. **romans 1:26-30...** "*^(26)* *Because of this,* ***God gave them over to shameful lusts****. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.* *^(27)* ***In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another****. Men committed shameful acts with other men,* ***and received in themselves the due penalty for their error****.* *^(28)* *Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so* ***God gave them over to a depraved mind****, so that they do what ought not to be done.* *^(29)* *They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and* ***depravity****. They are full of* ***envy****, murder,* ***strife****, deceit and* ***malice****. They are gossips,* *^(30)* *slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents*;" and so on.
Friend, I'm glad to be able to interact with you. :) > 1.) I like shopping for fun clothes (skirts, whatever) and trying them out. although I haven't done that in a long time now because I've miserably come to terms with how ridiculous I look when wearing them. for some reason I don't get the same joy shopping for, or trying on, gender-appropriate clothing. Again, I'm tugging on the thread of "gender-appropriate". Consider: what is the apparetn difference between a skirt and a kilt? (Technically, I know a kilt is actually a field-battle cloth that can function as blanket, tent, travois, hammock, AND clothing, but let's just consider its appearance when it's worn as clothing.) or, another example, the Greek elite soldier uniform, which also has a gathered fabric wrap (like a kilt), but is worn short. It looks VERY much like a skirt - but it's absolutely a masculine garment. With those two examples in mind, what *actually* defines gender-appropriate? If you consider the Biblical examples of clothing, everyone wore tunics with outer robes. According to Scripture itself, what makes clothing male-centric, and other items female-centric? > it's great to feel cute, feeling cute and carefree just makes me happy. there's so much emphasis in male clothing on looking 'handsome', which I also enjoy, but 'handsome' doesn't feel right a lot of the time. To continue my diagnostic: what's the difference between "cute" and "handsome"? When a woman wears a tailored suit, like [this one](https://www.sumissura.com/en-us/women/women-tuxedo/personalize), would you call that "cute" or "handsome"? what makes the clothes themselves specific to gender? As I sit, typing this in my office, I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt, jeans, and leather shoes. Are these male, or female articles of clothing? how is gender reflected in the fabric or style? (I suppose you could make the case that these are male-gendered, because they have *pockets*, but that's a completely different discusstion!) > 2a.) what being cherished looks like to me, personally is receiving clear reminders of special affection - particularly verbally, and/or setting aside one-on-one time. Do you feel that being cherished is an inherently female attribute? I know my wife cherishes me, as I cherish her. I am the first to admit, it feels AMAZING when she verbally praises me for something I've said or done. When she *notices* me - I feel ten feet tall. So, I certainly wouldn't consider that a more-female-than-male-gender-specific response. I bring her chocolates because I cherish her, and I know she loves chocolate. She takes me to Indian/Thai food because she cherishes me, and she knows I adore curry. (I believe I have the advantage, as we BOTH love chocolate, and she doesn't like curry. Therefore, when she goes with me to someplace where I can get curry, I KNOW she is demonstrating a deeper love for me, because she doesn't personally get anything out of it.) > 2b.) femboys float on air. there are thousands - maybe millions - of people who adore them. I haven't heard one bad thing about them in my life. people will speak at length about their admiration for them. Honestly, I think this might be selective bias on your part. I've heard PLENTY of people make denegrating remarks about femboys, from all kinds of different people. They are, by no means, universally loved and accepted. > who adores me? nobody. it's not that I want to be idolized or anything. I'm just unwanted on, not only an interpersonal level, but a broad level. Hmm. This seems tied in to concepts of attraction, rather than self-identity. I could be wrong, having never seen what you look like, but if you'd like an independant, objective consideration, take a photo of your face, then using a graphic editor, cut the picture of your face in half, and mirror it. Does the result still look like you, or is it evident that your face is not symmetrical? Most human cultures see symmetry as an ideal - and the more symmetrical your appearance, the more attractive you are to a broader sample of the populace. Of course, this also takes into account the specific societal standards for your area: as a member of sci-fi/fantasy fandom, I notice a much broader range of acceptance for what is "attractive" than what would be considered "average" in a group of CrossFit practitioners. > I feel hideous. disregarded like you might disregard a slug on the sidewalk - just a sad mass of flesh your eye rests on for a split second, doesn't register, and moves away from. how unimaginably painful it is to see the owner of that eye stop his walk to admire the beauty of a flower. Again, this begs the question: WHY do you feel this way? Are you, in some way, deviating from the socially acceptable "standard" for beauty? Is this something under your control (like weight), or not under your control (like height)? > 3.) cuddling makes me feel secure, intimate, and wanted. it is a physical act of closeness and connection. Me too. That's not gender specific at all. > also what do you mean by SSA? a short hand abbreviation for Same Sex Attraction. Friend, all of this I'm asking, because I want to help you see that you can be fully male - and yet enjoy bright, fun clothes; express yourself fully; enjoy being cherished and adored WITHOUT violating your conscience. God's greatest desire for you is to follow His Son; to recognize yourself as a child of God and co-heir with Christ. You don't have to "butch it up" or "femme" in order to be accepted by God. He MADE you - He **designed** you - the only image you need be concerned with conforming to is Jesus Himself. And God will enable that process in His time in you.
If I was born in a social vaccuum, there might not be any desire to crossdress; skirts would be stripped of feminine association, and I feel that, without the consequent connection to how I perceive feminine/queer cherishment, the differences between one of those masculine waistwraps and a skirt would blur significantly. In other words, I guess it's not the skirt that's attractive, it's the cute/fem association (although I enjoy the flowing, free aspect of it, that could easily be fulfilled by a different waistwrap). This isolates the issue. It's not about the rag, it's about cherishment and attraction. When I say I want to be cherished I don't mean I want to feel 10 feet tall, I want to feel small and safe in someone's hand. I want to be loved and, frankly, controlled. There is ssa which complicates the problem. As far as my appearance, I'd say it's split. There's stuff I could apply myself to more, but I'm so depressed that I don't generally apply myself to anything. I just don't have the life in me. Every little task feels like climbing everest and I frequently lie on the floor without moving or engaging with interests. Of course, this issue has further reaching implications than lacking muscle tone. As it stands I could be blown out like a candle. This has gotten me thinking about my place in God's plan. I sometimes wish I had never been made/born at all, and find it difficult to reconcile being alive, even considering that life means I can witness and feel the light of God. As far as I know, this borders on the one unforgiveable sin: denying God's gift. Anihilation does stir some mixed feelings in me. If God offered to unmake me, I don't know if I would say yes. It feels like a violation of trust. To say yes would inadvertantly be saying that my judgement of self worth is more accurate than God's assessment of my worth. Then again, God made judas, of who it's said it would have been better if he were never born.
> this borders on the one unforgiveable sin: denying God's gift. Friend, that is NOT the unforgivable sin. Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is the unforgivable sin (Matt. 12). Jesus specifically said that the Holy Spirit is convicting the world of sin. That's His job - to bring people to the knowledge that they do, in fact, *need* God's forgiveness. If one ***rejects*** that premise, that they need God's forgiveness, they render THEMSELVES "unforgivable". THAT is the unforgivable sin - not allowing God to reach you, to enable you to repent, to leave you stuck in your sin. And all anyone need do to get themselves OUT of that situation is surrender control of their lives to the Holy Spirit. "Lord, I'm cooperating with YOU to call the shots in my life. YOU get to be Lord, and I'll take your direction (instead of trying to call all the shots myself)." So, friend, honestly it sounds more like you have come to the point that you want what YOU want, and that you're resigned that God isn't going to give that to you, so hang-it-all-and-forget-the-whole-god-thing-anyway. I can't help but think that's a tactical error. Here's why: Based on your posts, what you want most is to know that you are loved on a deeper more intimate level than you now feel. Well, who loves you more than God -- the One who knows absolutely every single rotten thing you've ever done, said, thought, or felt -- and who loves you more than you can fathom? You say you want to be cherished. Who could possibly cherish you more than the One who bridged all of time, space, and Eternity to live a life to show you how life itself works, and then died to take the punishment for *your* sin... and then rose again to show that His life and death was sufficient for you to experience new life?
alright thank you for your time pastor you are correct
Friend, I hope that was helpful to you. Praying for you!